History

Thursday, February 14, 2013 4:20 PM CST

I can't believe another year has passed. Where does the time go? This week has been an extrememly hard one. I am still waiting on the time when it supposedly gets easier.

Happy Birthday my sweet Valentine!!!!! I know you have partied in heaven all day long with all of your friends. I also know that you know how much we all miss you. Be on the lookout for your balloons tonight. Love you all the way to heaven and back.

Mommy

Tuesday, February 14, 2012 9:57 AM CST

Happy Birthday my sweet Valentine. I love and miss you so much. I know you are having a HUGE celebration in heaven.

Mommy

Monday, January 30, 2012 1:09 PM CST

Well, it is that time of the year again. It just seems like time is flying by and I have no way of slowing it down. It is hard to believe that in a couple of weeks Stanton will have been an angel for 7 years and he would be turning 11 years old. As I was watching Mary Claire play basketball last Friday out of the blue thoughts of Stanton came to mind. I tried to picture what he would look like and how much fun he would be having being on the same team as Mary Claire. I can imagine that they would be the best of friends. About as quickly as the thoughts came reality hit. Man I miss that kid!!!!
This weekend is Minden’s big St. Jude Auction www.mindenstjude.com . We will spend the weekend with all of our St. Jude volunteer family. It is so much fun and I don’t even have to tell you how important a cause it is to my family. If you are in town be sure and come by the Civic Center. There is always lots going on. If you are from out of town, they stream the auction live on the website and you can place your pledges on the raffle items on line as well. There is a video from last year that still is a favorite of mine, the question was asked “Why do you Give”? I give so that no other parent has to have their son or daughter’s birthday party at the angle garden. I will ask you, Why do you give? Please feel free to leave me comments on your answers.
I have been hearing a song on the radio lately by a favorite artist of mine, Natalie Grant. I really think whoever writes her songs has walked in my shoes.
You would think only so much can go wrong
Calamity only strikes once
And you assume this one has suffered her share
Life will be kinder from here
Oh, but sometimes the sun stays hidden for years
Sometimes the sky rains night after night
When will it clear?

But our Hope endures the worst of conditions
It's more than our optimism
Let the earth quake
Our Hope is unchanged

How do we comprehend peace within pain?
Or joy at a good man's wake?
Walk a mile with the woman whose body is torn
From illness, but she marches on.
Oh, 'cause sometimes the sun stays hidden for years
Sometimes the sky rains night after night
When will it clear?

But our Hope endures the worst of conditions
It's more than our optimism
Let the earth quake
Our Hope is unchanged

Emmanuel, God is with us
El Shaddai, all sufficient
We never walk alone
And this is our hope

But our Hope endures the worst of conditions
It's more than our optimism
Let the earth quake
Our Hope is unchanged
My Hope Endures
Tina

Thursday, September 29, 2011 11:23 AM CDT

After a very long two weeks (and they are not even over yet) I heard this song on the way to work. When I get stressed out all of my emotions seem to go into overdrive, which means the missing Stanton gets even harder. I have heard time will heal and I do believe that with time the pain finds a place in your life and it is not always so acute, but there are still days when it hurts as bad as it did the day he earned his angel wings and lately the days have been just those kind of days. Then I remember what a perfect world he lives in now, free of cancer and all of the side effects that went with it. I try to say I would not wish him back to this earth and again most days that is true. This song was just a reminder to me that our time on this earth is just a quick blink of an eye compared to heaven and our eternal life and I know that when it is over I have a very special angel waiting on me at heaven’s gates.
Don't be mad if I cry
It just hurts so bad sometimes
'Cause everyday it's sinking in
And I have to say goodbye all over again
You know I bet it feels good to have the weight of this world off your shoulders now
I'm dreaming of the day when I'm finally there with you

Save a place for me
Save a place for me
I'll be there soon
I'll be there soon
Save a place for me
Save some grace for me
I'll be there soon
I'll be there soon

I have asked the question why
But I guess the answer's for another time
So instead I'll pray with every tear
And be thankful for the time I had you here
And I wanna live my life just like you did
Make the most of my time just like you did
And I wanna make my home up in the sky
Just like you did
Oh, but until I get there
Until I get there

I ask you all to remember that for anyone who has lost someone they love that time helps but no amount of time can erase the pain. If you see someone that seems a bit off their typical personality stop and take the time to offer something as little as a hug or an "I have been thinking about you lately". It takes something very small to remind us that you remember.

Missing my baby
Tina

Friday, June 3, 2011 1:53 PM CDT

I got an email devotion from one of my favorite authors yesterday and after reading it over and over again I decided to share it with you. Before I get to that I have to share what just happened. I am sitting here listening to the radio and a new song by Steve Holy came on. The significance you might wonder? The 2nd time Stanton was in the hospital at St. Jude was during Country Cares and you know he was quite the cowboy. Steve Holy was one of the entertainers that came to the hospital and he came to Stanton’s room and signed his red boot. All was on video and ultimately ended up on a commercial on CMT. I haven’t heard too much from Steve Holy until recently and this song came on the radio and I loved it and guess what, it was Steve Holy. First of all I love to see someone who cares so much about the kids of St. Jude do well but it also just brought back some really cool memories.
This devotional brought back so many thoughts and emotions.
The following is a one of 172 questions and answers from the new book, Max on Life.
QUESTION #148:
The seven-year-old son of our neighbors died last week. They are devastated. So are we. What can we tell them?
God is a good God. We must begin here. Though we don’t understand his actions, we can trust his heart.
God does only what is good. But how can death be good? Some mourners don’t ask this question. When the quantity of years has outstripped the quality of years, we don’t ask how death can be good.
But the father of the dead teenager does. The widow of the young soldier does. The parents of a seven-year-old do. How could death be good?

Part of the answer may be found in Isaiah 57:1–2: “Good people are taken away, but no one understands. Those who do right are being taken away from evil and are given peace. Those who live as God wants find rest in death” (NCV).

Death is God’s way of taking people away from evil. From what kind of evil? An extended disease? An addiction? A dark season of rebellion? We don’t know. But we know that no person lives one day more or less than God intends. “All the days planned for me were written in your book before I was one day old” (Ps. 139:16 NCV).

But her days here were so few . . .

His life was so brief . . .

To us it seems that way. We speak of a short life, but compared to eternity, who has a long one? A person’s days on earth may appear as a drop in the ocean. Yours and mine may seem like a thimbleful. But compared to the Pacific of eternity, even the years of Methuselah filled no more than a glass. James was not speaking just to the young when he said, “Your life is like a mist. You can see it for a short time, but then it goes away”
(James 4:14 NCV).
In God’s plan every life is long enough and every death is timely. And though you and I might wish for a longer life, God knows better.

And—this is important—though you and I may wish a longer life for our loved ones, they don’t. Ironically, the first to accept God’s decision of death is the one who dies.

While we are shaking heads in disbelief, they are lifting hands in worship. While we are mourning at a grave, they are marveling at heaven. While we are questioning God, they are praising God.
I will be the first to admit that I had and still have a hard time believing that Stanton’s death was something that God could allow. The way it is worded in this devotional made me feel a little at peace. We know that had Stanton lived he would have been faced with a lifetime of complications from his treatment. Please don’t get me wrong, for me I would much rather have him here with me complications and all than in heaven but I have to believe that if you ask him he is going to choose heaven every time. Where he lives now his life is perfect! We were also given the opportunity for Stanton to talk to us about death (in a way only a 3 year old can) and I believe he was ready. I believe he had accepted God’s decision.
My hope in posting this is that if you have lost someone way sooner than you planned, you will find some peace.

Still Missing my Baby
Tina

Friday, April 22, 2011 9:31 AM CDT

Happy Good Friday everyone! I love this particular day of the year because I am vividly reminded that thanks to God I will see Stanton again some day. Having lost a child I have no way to understand or comprehend how God could let Jesus die but I am so thankful that He did.

I wanted to share an email that I got that just started the day off right.

Mary Magdalene
at Jesus' Tomb
by Max Lucado
Mary had been there. She had heard the leaders clamor for Jesus’ blood. She had witnessed the Roman whip rip the skin off his back. She had winced as the thorns sliced his brow and wept at the weight of the cross.
In the Louvre there is a painting of the scene of the cross. In the painting the stars are dead and the world is wrapped in darkness. In the shadows there is a kneeling form. It is Mary. She is holding her hands and lips against the bleeding feet of the Christ.
We don’t know if Mary did that, but we know she could have. She was there. She was there to hold her arm around the shoulder of Mary the mother of Jesus. She was there to close his eyes. She was there.
So it’s not surprising that she wants to be there again.
In the early morning mist she arises from her mat, takes her spices and aloes, and leaves her house, past the Gate of Gennath and up to the hillside. She anticipates a somber task. By now the body will be swollen. His face will be white. Death’s odor will be pungent.
A gray sky gives way to gold as she walks up the narrow trail. As she rounds the final bend, she gasps. The rock in front of the grave is pushed back.
“Someone took the body.” She runs to awaken Peter and John. They rush to see for themselves. She tries to keep up with them but can’t.
Peter comes out of the tomb bewildered and John comes out believing, but Mary just sits in front of it weeping. The two men go home and leave her alone with her grief.
But something tells her she is not alone. Maybe she hears a noise. Maybe she hears a whisper. Or maybe she just hears her own heart tell her to take a look for herself.
Whatever the reason, she does. She stoops down, sticks her head into the hewn entrance, and waits for her eyes to adjust to the dark.
“Why are you crying?” She sees what looks to be a man, but he’s white—radiantly white. He is one of two lights on either end of the vacant slab. Two candles blazing on an altar.
“Why are you crying?” An uncommon question to be asked in a cemetery. In fact, the question is rude. That is, unless the questioner knows something the questionee doesn’t.
“They have taken my Lord away, and I don’t know where they have put him.”
She still calls him “my Lord.” As far as she knows his lips were silent. As far as she knows, his corpse had been carted off by grave robbers. But in spite of it all, he is still her Lord.
Such devotion moves Jesus. It moves him closer to her. So close she hears him breathing. She turns and there he stands. She thinks he is the gardener.
Now, Jesus could have revealed himself at this point. He could have called for an angel to present him or a band to announce his presence. But he didn’t.
“Why are you crying? Who is it you are looking for?” (John 20:1-18 NIV).
He doesn’t leave her wondering long, just long enough to remind us that he loves to surprise us. He waits for us to despair of human strength and then intervenes with heavenly. God waits for us to give up and then—surprise!
And listen to the surprise as Mary’s name is spoken by a man she loved—a man she had buried.
“Miriam.”
God appearing at the strangest of places. Doing the strangest of things. Stretching smiles where there had hung only frowns. Placing twinkles where there were only tears. Hanging a bright star in a dark sky. Arching rainbows in the midst of thunderclouds. Calling names in a cemetery.
“Miriam,” he said softly, “surprise!”
Mary was shocked. It’s not often you hear your name spoken by an eternal tongue. But when she did, she recognized it. And when she did, she responded correctly. She worshiped him.
I really enjoyed the paragraph where it talked about God placing twinkles where there are only tears and hanging a bright star in the dark sky. I have seen the twinkles and often look to the night sky to find the brightest “Stancie” star. And the rainbow, well that has a special meaning all on it’s own.

I hope you all have a joyous Easter. Please say a special prayer for all of the families that are spending it without their children. No matter how long ago it has been it is special times when the pain is the worst.

Blessed
Tina

Friday, March 11, 2011 12:31 AM CST

I know you can’t believe that I am back in less than a month. I just have a lot on my mind and as always like to put it in writing to make me feel better. I am sure you all know that we have been through Stanton’s angelversary and birthday. To be perfectly honest, I really struggled this year. I just could not pull myself together and make this all okay. The good news is that after all of these years I have learned that it is okay to have bad days. Time may heal parts of the holes in my heart but there will always be a HUGE hole where Stanton was.

I got a Kindle for Christmas and the first book I ordered on it was Mary Beth Chapman’s “Choosing to See”. If you have not read this book I strongly recommend it, especially if you have suffered the loss of a child or know someone who has. She puts into words so elegantly the feelings she had during her own loss of a child. When I was reading I would come across things she would say and think “oh my goodness, that is word for word something I thought”. Some of the things I never could make myself say out loud. After reading her book I downloaded her husband, Steven Curtis Chapman’s, Beauty will rise album. The songs are such a reflection of his reaction to the loss of his daughter. On that album there were a couple of interviews, one with him and one with Mary Beth and once again, they stated exactly some of the things I had thought during my journey through Stanton’s loss.

I wanted to share some of these thoughts, and please know how difficult it is to write some of these. Not that I haven’t always believed in everything I will tell you, it just makes it more real when you say it out loud. Mary Beth talked about her life being a story and in the story there are chapters. I won’t bore you with all of the chapters of my life but the one thing that is most important is knowing that we don’t write the story of our life. The story has already been written and God knows all of the chapters even those we haven’t experienced yet. He knows the valleys that you will walk through. He didn’t blink and Stanton’s illness and death did not catch him off guard. Someone sent me a card when Stanton was diagnosed and in it he wrote “just know that this was not a surprise to God”. Mary Beth also said that “Maria was in the right place at the right time”. I can’t even begin to wrap my brain around that statement but when you get down to it, it is so true. In that chapter in my book Stanton was right where God wanted him to be. Stanton was so amazing during his life, I could only hope to be so strong but he is just as amazing now and his story is so amazing. Mary Beth stated “in her death her life became bigger”. I believe this is true of Stanton too. I will never get over the pain of losing Stanton and will never stop wishing he was still here. I do know that he is right where God intended for him to be in this chapter of my story and I do know that when it is my time I will be right there with him and I know that God wants the same for all of you. As the Chapman’s have been entrusted with a big cross to carry so do all of us that have losses in our lives. How we carry those crosses will be viewed by everyone that we come in contact with and God is watching what those people see. Hebrews 12:2 says “Jesus, the author and finisher of our faith, who for the joy that was set before Him endured the cross, despising the shame and has sat down at the right hand of God.” I think that pretty much sums it up.

I can’t finish without talking about Hayden and how incredible he is as well. He is in his last quarter of college and will graduate May 21. I cannot believe I am fixing to be the mother to a college graduate. I am enjoying any time I get to spend with him, knowing he will probably be moving far away after graduation. I will ask for special prayers for him as he is having a small problem. He stuck a stick through the top of his foot and it was so deep that he had to go to the ER and have it cut out. A week later and his foot is still very swollen and he is having trouble moving his toes. He will follow-up again next week and we hope to have better results. Only in my family could a stick cause so many problems.

I guess I have written enough. Thank you as always for your love and prayers.

“God is good even when things are really really bad”
Tina

Monday, February 14, 2011 3:17 PM CST

Happy Birthday my special Valentine!!!! I miss you so much but I know you are having the best birthday with all of your friends in heaven. Hope you like the balloons this afternoon.

Love you
Mom

Friday, January 28, 2011 12:35 AM CST

So I haven’t made it back here since Christmas. I am struggling emotionally right now and when I get in that state I come here to put things in words which is pretty therapeutic for me. This time of the year is always hard but this year is much worse. My counselor and I have talked about the struggle being not just the loss of Stanton but the fact that Hayden is growing up and moving on. Empty nest syndrome times a million. Last night I just sat there and thought of the “what ifs”. I know not the best thing to do but as I was turning into my driveway last night I almost felt like I was in a dream. Can this really be my life? So much has happened in the last 6 years and I guess some of it just doesn’t feel real sometimes. I try not to think about it to often but lately I have been watching all of the kids that are Stanton’s age and how fast they grow up. I can’t help but think, what would Stanton be like? Would he be lanky like Hayden was, would he want to play basketball, what would the afternoons and evenings be like? The thoughts almost get overwhelming sometimes. I miss that kid more than I could ever put into words.

As for Hayden, he is still doing great! He has had 5 articles published in his college newspaper. I would have never imagined he would write for anything. He is getting a double major and one of them is journalism which is how he ended up on the Tech Talk staff. His other major is political science (pre-law). I guess that comes as no surprise. He will graduate in May and it looks like he will move to DC to work. Now you understand the whole empty nest attitude. I could talk about Hayden all day long and all that he has accomplished. I am more proud of him than anyone could imagine. He has grown up so fast and has had so many obstacles to overcome. He is amazing and I would love to have just a little of his strength. All I can say is watch out “real world” he will be there before you know it.

Well I need to get back to work. Thank you for still checking on us.

Tina

Our annual St Jude Auction is next weekend. Go to www.mindenstjude.com to learn more about it. If you are around Minden I urge you to come by. It is so much fun.

Friday, January 28, 2011 12:33 AM CST

Wednesday, December 8, 2010 5:19 PM CST

I LOVE this song. I bet Christmas in Heaven is AWESOME!!! I hope everyone has a Merry Christmas!

Christmas In Heaven

December hasn’t changed
This town looks the same
They still light that tree in the city square
There’s red, white, and green shining everywhere
And I wish you were here
And I wonder . . .

Is the snow falling down on the streets of gold?
Are the mansions all covered in white?
Are you singing with angels Silent Night?
I wonder . . . what Christmas in Heaven is like

There’s a little manger scene
Down on Third and Main
I must have walked right by it a thousand times
But I see it now in a different light
Cause I know you are there
And I wonder . . .

Are you kneeling with shepherds before Him now?
Can you reach out and touch His face?
Are you part of that glorious holy night?
I wonder . . . .what Christmas in Heaven is like

Is the snow falling down on the streets of gold?
Are the mansions all covered in white?
Are you singing with angels Silent Night?
I wonder . . . what Christmas in Heaven is like

2008 words and music by Jeremy Johnson and Paul Marino
Sung by Sarah Schieber

Tuesday, November 2, 2010 1:14 PM CDT

Okay, since the last post a few things have changed. I am a year older but more importantly I am the parent of an adult. Hayden turned 21 the 23 of October. It is so hard to believe that he is that old although he has always acted older than his age. He is still doing great. He has 2 quarters left of school if things go as expected. Again, that is really hard for me to believe. His plans for after graduation change pretty regularly so I am not sure what they are this week. I am just more than proud of the man that he has become.

With all of Hayden’s independence lately “empty nest” has really hit me hard. I haven’t seen him in weeks and don’t even talk to him much. He just has a lot going on and I wouldn’t want it any other way. So many people get excited when their kids move out but I am just not there yet. I think in my head I should still have someone at home who needs me. I try not to dwell on the “what could have been’s” to much though. This time of the year that is easier said than done though. I still miss Stanton each and every day and some days the pain is still so raw while other days something I remember makes me smile and keep going. I have just come to accept that there will always be a hole in my heart that will never heal. But I also know that Stanton would not like that hole in my heart to keep me from living life. George Strait has a new song that talks about “Life’s not the breaths you take but the moments that take your breath away”. It reminded me so much about those moments in my life. There are so many that I wouldn’t trade for anything. It also reminded me to keep priorities in my life. Sometimes I lose sight of what is most important. I continue to believe that God has a BIG plan for my life and I don’t want to miss an opportunity that he places in front of me because I am in too big of a hurry. One lesson learned for me through this difficult journey is that I am not in control of anything. Although sometimes I like to think I am I know God has it all under His control.

I have a special prayer request and since I know what good prayer warriors you all are I am going to share. A friend of Jeff’s brother, John Major, is 22 or 23 and his lived with Cystic Fibrosis all of his life. He was one of those who always loved on Stanton when he was around and made him feel so special. He is in Galveston waiting on a lung transplant. He and his mom have temporarily moved down there to wait. I somewhat understand what they are going through with the medical issues but can really sympathize with the being away from home and the waiting game. Please keep John Major, his mother Jerri and the future donor’s family in your prayers. He does have a website www.caringbridge.org/visit/johnmajor . Stop by and tell them Stanton sent you. They are such a special family.

I need to get moving to the next project. I hope everyone has a great holiday season if I don’t get back here before then.

Looking to Him for the plan
Tina

Tuesday, November 2, 2010 1:09 PM CDT

Friday, September 10, 2010 3:17 PM CDT

Well, I don’t know how many of you still come around but I just thought I would update on what is going on with us these days. First of all a BIG HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO JEFF!!! He is the big 40. Wow I am beginning to feel old although I have a couple of years before I reach that milestone. Jeff-I love you and am so glad that we have grown up together. Life was not at all what we expected but I would not have wanted anyone else by my side (I don’t think anyone else could have put up with me). I can’t wait to spend many more years loving you.

Yes, life has not been anything like what we expected or wanted. Stanton has been on my mind so much lately. I should come to expect it this time of the year. With school starting, watching everyone get ready makes me miss everything that I am missing with Stanton. I know that Stanton isn’t missing anything and I am pretty sure there is no school in heaven. I was listening to Jamie getting all the kids ready for bed last night which led to a small pity party but I got over it. I would love to have Stanton at home and having to get him ready for bed. I know that sounds so small but if you haven’t lived it you could never understand that sometimes the triggers are more than the BIG anniversary’s, birthday’s etc. Some things just blind side you.

I have had some health problems lately, mainly a kidney stone but it caused a couple of days in the hospital and an outpatient procedure. I know from experience that me being sick does nothing good for my emotional wellness. I need to keep myself busy. Things are back to normal now though

As for Hayden, his life is really good right now. He feels good (I think we finally got his thyroid under control), has started his senior year of college, is campaigning for Senator Vitter (If you are in Louisiana I know Hayden would appreciate your vote) and having lots of fun. My heart just swells with pride when I look at everything he has accomplished in his almost 21 years of life. Yes I am the mother of a 21 year old and senior in college! I never doubted that his life would be filled with many successes but seeing it all play out if real life has been incredible.

With all of Hayden’s successes there is a part of my heart that is breaking. He is so independent that often I feel like he doesn’t need me. There is such a big part of me that is a mother this hits really hard. Where do I fit in when there are no children to mother. Don’t get me wrong, I know from experience that as long as you live you will need your mother. In fact mine was the one to take care of me with my procedure. I think the “empty nest syndrome” just hit me a little late. I really never felt this way about Hayden being gone until now.

Okay, my pity party aside, Hayden-Wow is the first word that comes to mind when I think of you and where you are in your life right now. There are days that I wish I had your drive and ambition. I know all of your hard work is going to pay off BIG. I think you are already experiencing the benefits of some of it. You have gone through college so fast and I know now you are having mixed feelings about almost being finished. My wish for you this year is that you will have fun. Keep living your life like there is no tomorrow and enjoy every second. I am more proud of you than I could ever put into words. I love you.

I guess that is about it for now. If you are still checking in please sign the guestbook so I will know that you are still around.

Taking nothing for granted
Tina

Tuesday, June 29, 2010 2:09 PM CDT

Sorry for the lack of updates. I am sure you all understand how busy “life” gets. I have just really had an emotional weekend followed by an emotional Monday which led me right back here to Stanton’s website.

I got the privilege and honor to tell Stanton’s story at the 4th annual “Shake For Jake”. Most of you know that this is the foundation started by dear friends of ours from St. Jude in memory of their little angel. First of all I can start by saying “WOW!” What Staci, Don and all of their friends has managed to do in memory of Jake is amazing. When Don called and asked if I would speak, I of course didn’t hesitate but I will say as the day approached I actually got nervous. It had been a while since I had spoken in front of such a large crowd but would never miss the opportunity to tell Stanton’s story. I of course never think I do very well but the crowd was very attentive and I think got the point. Childhood cancer stinks and can literally destroy a family. I did bring my best supporters with me although Jeff nor Hayden came to my rescue when I could barely speak. I thought I could do it with fewer tears but I guess I can just get that thought out of my head. The emotions were as raw and real as ever. We had a great time, got to see some old friends and meet some new ones. Thank you for everyone who attended the “Shake” and who offered me hugs of support. Like I said that night, the money Don and Staci are raising can possibly make the difference on if a parent chooses to get up and fight one more day.

So Stanton was front and center on my mind and I get to work and get an email about hearing our story on the radio. I did not realize that yesterday was the St. Jude radiothon in Shreveport. As soon as I turned the radio on I heard Hillary talking about my precious Stanton. Oh how my heart melts when someone remembers him. Of course our song played a couple of time during the day and tears come every single time. Don’t get me wrong I love hearing it and even more love telling our story and if in the process we can raise money to find the cure to the dreaded disease then everything works out.

Jeff and I are doing good. We both seem to work a whole lot but Hayden’s dreams don’t come cheap. Again, I am not complaining and will continue to do whatever we have to do for him to continue living his dreams. Life dealt him several HUGE blows and my heart just smiles when things actually are going good for him. So what is going on with him you must be wondering. He has been back from Washington D.C. now for about a month. He had a blast during his internship and got to do some really neat things. It was truly a life changing, amazing experience for him. He actually made the Dean’s list for the quarter that he was there. (Jeff I and talked about if we needed to send him back since he got such good grades). He is now back at Louisiana Tech University as a “senior”. Yes you read that right. When he registered for his summer classes his classification was “senior”. He continues to work with Senator David Vitter and is still getting to do lots of really neat things. The Senator and his staff have been very good to Hayden and Hayden’s love of politics is really showing. I know when I was in college choosing a major was such a challenge and I didn’t get it right the first time so to see him pick his major (Political Science with a minor in Journalism) and love what he is doing makes me very happy. He continues to think he wants to go to law school but I think he ultimately wants to be in the political arena one way or another. Do I sound like a really proud mother? I hope so because I am. His health is much better and his last doctors visit showed his lab work to be normal and she left his medication dosage the same. Another huge relief for all of us.

I guess that is about all for this update. For those of you who still check in, thank you thank you, thank you. Your prayers and support have always meant the world to us. For those of you that I got to meet for the first time this weekend, it was great. It amazes me that there are people who still remember Stanton and our journey. For those of you who are interested in “Shake for Jake”, it is a yearly event and is lots and lots of fun if you want to come next year.

Missing Stanton Everyday
Tina

Monday, February 1, 2010 12:35 AM CST

I guess if I am going to take so much time between entries I really shouldn't have done a "Christmas" entry. It just seems like that was so long ago. While I am talking about Christmas I have to send a HUGE THANK YOU to Dena O. The "noman" ornament was perfect. Always know that on the day I receive your package their is a big smile on my face. You are so special to continue to remember Stanton each year.

I am currently in the middle of the time when things are just hard. It seems like just yesterday that Stanton was here and healthy and in 12 days he will have been gone 5 years. I will get through the next couple of weeks thanks to lots of prayer.

We have lots going on at home. The first thing is the Minden St. Jude Auction is this weekend. If you are in the area come by the civic center. There is always something going on. If you are from out of town there is a website www.mindenstjude.com which will be streaming the auction live this year. If you can stop by and watch. I promise you won't be sad that you did. We have a lot of fun. You can also purchase raffle tickets online. If you do be sure to let them know that Stanton sent you. It is always fun to see how far some of the tickets come from.

The other big news at our house is that Hayden will be spending the spring in Washington DC. He is going to be an intern at Senator David Vitter's office. He currently interns out of his Monroe office and loves it. He will be in DC for 3 months so for any of you in the area, any ideas for him would be great.

I need to get back to work I just wanted to make sure you all knew about the auction this weekend.

In His Lap For Awhile
TIna

Tuesday, December 22, 2009 2:22 PM CST

Good afternoon! I hope all is well for everyone this special week. I am hanging in there. I know everyone says that the pain will get easier but there are still time that the pain just cuts straight to my heart this time of year. I can't help wonder how life would be different with Stanton here with us. I also can't help but wonder how awesome his Christmas is or if it is Christmas everyday for him. My niece Elynn Kate put things into such a simple perspective for me this weekend when we were riding around looking at Christmas lights. She said "I bet Stancie has so much fun at Jesus' birthday party and I bet Jesus has a birthday party for Stancie on Feb. 14." If only things could be so simple for me. I heard this song on the radio and I LOVE IT. There is at least one place where you can listen to it online, just type in Christmas in Heaven lyrics.

Christmas In Heaven

2008 words and music by Jeremy Johnson and Paul Marino

December hasn’t changed
This town looks the same
They still light that tree in the city square
There’s red, white, and green shining everywhere
And I wish you were here
And I wonder . . .

CHORUS:
Is the snow falling down on the streets of gold?
Are the mansions all covered in white?
Are you singing with angels Silent Night?
I wonder . . . what Christmas in Heaven is like

There’s a little manger scene
Down on Third and Main
I must have walked right by it a thousand times
But I see it now in a different light
Cause I know you are there
And I wonder . . .

Are you kneeling with shepherds before Him now?
Can you reach out and touch His face?
Are you part of that glorious holy night?
I wonder . . . .what Christmas in Heaven is like

I know in my heart that Stanton's Christmas is so much greater than anything here on earth. It is just in my head I would love to have him here to share all the fun with.

I hope everyone has a blessed and Merry Christmas!!!!!!!!

Tina

Thursday, November 19, 2009 4:00 PM CST

I know I know I have not been here in a while. Decided to stop by because this time of the year is so hard. Life has been a roller coaster ride that I am not sure I was in line for. I have learned over the last few weeks that the walls I had put up were there for a reason. They are there to keep you from getting hurt. If you let people in those walls they just hurt you. Sorry this is such a downer but it has been a really hard week. I have had some good parts of the day that remind me that the little things in life really don't matter.

Hayden is doing very good. School is going good. His health is finally good. I really couldn't be more proud of him.

Curled up in His lap
Tina

Monday, November 2, 2009 9:31 AM CST

Sorry it has been so long between updates. There just doesn't seem like much to say. I just wanted to ask for your prayer and support over the next couple of months. This time of the year is still very hard for me and bring up lots of great memories but also a lot of what if's.

Leaning on Him

Tina

Friday, August 21, 2009 11:42 AM CDT

So I know it has been too long since the last update but again, no good reason. I was just sitting hear listening to my IPOD and a song came on that really made me think of all of you out there and to be honest really just mad me think in general.

First off though everyone around our house is good. Hayden has not started back to school yet, I think he starts Sept. 10 but don’t quote me on that. We have no new lab results but lately he does seem to feel better.

For me, life has just been a little difficult lately. No particular trigger which I think makes it worse because I am not prepared for the overwhelming emotions. I have just really missed Stanton like crazy lately and have just had a hard time shaking that ughhh feeling. I know to that this will pass and there will be good days along with the bad but sometimes that just doesn’t quite click in my hard headed brain. This song is one I heard and the lyrics caught me completely off guard at first but now I just love to listen to it. It is called “Always” by Building 424

I was standing in the pouring rain one dark November night
Fighting off the bitter cold when she caught my eye
Her face was taught and her eyes were filled, and to my surprise
She pulled out a photograph and my heart just stopped inside
She said “He would have been three today
I miss his smile, I miss his face”
What was I supposed to say, but

I believe always, always
Our Savior never fails
Even when all hope is gone
God knows our pain and his promise remains
He will be with you always

He was living in a broken world, dreaming of a home
His heart was barely keeping pace when I found him all alone
Remembering the way he felt when his daddy said goodbye
Fighting just to keep the tears and the anger locked inside
He’s barely holding onto faith
But deliverance is on its way, cause

I believe always, always
Our Savior never fails
Even when all hope is gone
God knows our pain and his promise remains
He will be with you always

Friend I don’t know where you are and I don’t know where you’ve been
Maybe you’re fighting for your life or just about to throw the towel in
But if you are crying out for mercy, if there’s no hope at all
If you’ve given everything you’ve got and your still about to fall
Well hold on, hold on, hold on cause

I believe always, always
Our Savior never fails
Even when all hope is gone
God knows our pain and his promise remains
He will be with you always

I guess you can see by the firsts of the song how it caught my attention right off. I know that there are days when I let myself forget that “My Savior never fails”. I know I have talked about it in the past and I guess I just needed you all to know that although I go to “that” place every now and then that more times than not my place is right in His arms. His promise remains that he will never leave and that I will one day get to hold my baby in my arms.

Standing on His promise
Tina

Monday, July 6, 2009 11:41 AM CDT

So I agree that almost 2 months is waaaaaaaaayyyyyyyy too long between updates and I wish I had some great story to tell as to why I haven’t updated but…..nothing, nothing at all. Since my last journal we have been on our mini outing to Dallas. We had a great time although I had a little mishap before we went and broke a couple or three ribs which kept me from fully enjoying everything. The main thing was that Hayden had a good time. When it came time for the Rangers game I had decided I would stay at the hotel and let Hayden and his friend ride the trolley to the game. Well, just as our luck would have it right before the game was supposed to start a thunderstorm popped up and caused a rain delay. That was the least of my concerns when the hail started, yes I said hail (golf ball size). Hayden had insisted on good seats and they sure paid off when they were under cover. Needless to say things just don’t go smoothly for us often.

Hayden had gone and come back from Baton Rouge where he was a page in the House of Representatives. He really enjoyed it although I think he worked pretty hard. He is still sticking with his political science major which is good. I don’t doubt that we will someday call him President, Senator, Representative, etc.

Hayden also had his follow-up thyroid lab work and of course once again it was not completely cut and dry but it appears that the radioactive pill may have done something so now he is being treated for hypothyroidism. I will be so glad when we get all of it leveled out because he can be a bear at times. I am just so used to my sweet Hayden that when the mean Hayden comes out it is hard.

We had a great 4th of July. We gathered with lots of friends at Mom’s house for our annual barbeque. I am so glad that my mom and dad are continuing the tradition on the 4th for our children. It was always a big deal with us growing up. I am not really sure if the 4th was my papaws favorite or Easter. He really enjoyed both so much.

As for Jeff and I, we are doing good. We both have been working a good bit. I am sure those of you in Minden have seen him umpiring a ballgame at one park or another. I myself prefer to work in my air conditioned office. I will be traveling to New York at the end of this month and really can’t wait. We are going to have so much fun. Of course if you are from the area we are always open to suggestions.

Thank you for continuing to check on us and pray for us as you do. I will try to do better in the update department.

By His Grace Alone
Tina

Monday, July 6, 2009 10:08 AM CDT

Monday, July 6, 2009 10:06 AM CDT

Thursday, May 7, 2009 11:18 AM CDT

Okay so I know it has been soooooooooooo long since my last post. The good news is that things have been going good and have been very busy. It seems like the last 2 months have just flown by because I have been busy at work and busy at home. I finally had to slow down this weekend and clean the house. I had “picked up” for to many weeks. So let’s see what have I been doing? Work work and more work and after work I get to go watch all of my precious nieces play ball. No offense to my precious Coltan, he is just not playing summer ball this year. I then spend any spare time reading and playing with my nieces and nephews. As for Jeff, much of the same except rather than watch ballgames he is umpiring them. We usually get home about the same time, just in time to talk about the day and get ready for bed.

On to Hayden as I am sure he is the one you all are most interested in anyway. He is doing good. He hasn’t had any bloodwork done so no official report on if his treatment worked or not. He does appear to feel better and most of the time is much more pleasant to be around. He is almost finished with Spring quarter, again how time flies. He has big plans for the summer. He is going to take some classes but for the first few weeks he will be in Baton Rouge being a page in the House of Representatives. He is so excited. It sounds like it will be right up his alley and maybe help him to an internship next summer. I think after this quarter he needs 3 or 6 hours to be a junior. Jeff and I continue to be amazed at his tenacity and focus. We are so very proud of him.

I (we) have a couple of trips planned this summer. Hayden and I will be spending a few days in Dallas before he goes to Baton Rouge. We are going to shop, Six Flags, he and a friend are going to a Rangers game. As always Hayden and I love a road trip. Then for my trip of the summer I am going to New York City. We are having a girls weekend (several of the Haynes crew) and I cannot wait. I am blessed to have such wonderful extended family who after all of these years I consider my own. It is going to be a full weekend in which I am sure many memories will be made. Sarah, Whitney, Debbie, Dana, Amber, Julie-We are going to have a blast and I am so excited that we are getting to do this.

To all of you mothers out there, Happy Early Mother’s Day!! This is one of those days that kind of sneaks up on me. It is just hard. I am so thankful that God allowed me the opportunity to be a mom not once but twice. I have to say Hayden and Stanton are my two greatest accomplishments in life. On Sunday it will just be really hard to focus on that. It is just another reminder that Stanton is gone. Hayden usually goes out of his way to make it special but there will always be a part of me on mother’s day that feels like ½ a mother. Have I mentioned lately that life is really just not fair!!!

I hope all of you have a wonderful weekend! Love on your kids just a little extra for me!

Mom to 2 Incredible Children
Tina

Monday, March 30, 2009 3:04 PM CDT

I know you have all waited so patiently on an update and I am sorry it has taken me so long. Hayden’s procedure was pretty uneventful especially with all of the hype going into it. They basically brought him out a list of “dos and do nots” and then brought him this test tube with a little blue pill in it. She told him “don’t touch it just swallow it”. That brought a smirk to his face and he gave her a hard time about it but swallow it he did.

Now did it work? I first have to start with the fact that Hayden likes to protect me. He doesn’t like to see me upset and he has seen plenty of that in his lifetime so if he can spare me pain he does. So until up to the day that he went to the doctor I was not fully aware of just how sick he was and how bad he felt. So for now he really can’t tell anything has changed but we also know that it is going to take some time. He spent his weekend in isolation which was okay because he slept a LOT. He hasn’t been hungry so he really hasn’t eaten great but I think that is getting a little better. The big deal is his heart rate and he is still needing his maximum dosage of beta blockers but we are praying that he will soon be able to wean those down. In about 10 more weeks he will have lab work done to see if we have accomplished anything. Being the responsible kid that he is he really only missed one full day of classes while he went through all of this. Sometimes I wish I could be as focused as he is.

As for the rest of us, Jeff and I are doing okay. We both are pretty busy. Jeff’s allergies are just about to get the best of him and I haven’t been sleeping much (stress tends to do that to me).

I have really gotten to spend lots of time with my nieces and nephews. They really just grow up way to fast but oh they are so much fun. I love to spend time with each of them because they have such different personalities and they all love their Aunt Tina. They really know how to boost your ego.

Thank you all for your prayers and all of the sweet messages for Hayden. Please continue to keep him in your prayers. We really need this procedure to work. Please also pray for protection for his kidney. I think that was his only concern with the treatment.

By His Grace Alone
Tina

Monday, March 16, 2009 2:15 PM CDT

I know another update so soon what is up??? Well, you know I must need something and indeed I do. There is a very special person in my life that needs your prayers this week (well he always needs your prayers but this week more than ever). If you have been keeping up with us for some time you know that Hayden has Grave’s Disease. You also know that nothing we do can be simple or even by the books. He was diagnosed about 2 years ago and was treated by a pediatric endocrinologist. Now that he is grown (all of 19) he gets to go to an adult doctor, although he is her youngest patient and probably most complex. She really scared him the first time she saw him (which was not mean, it was exactly what he needed). His thyroid function was way out of whack which was causing his heart rate to be dangerously high. His resting heart rate was that of someone who had just walked multiple levels of stairs. She started him on a beta blocker and lots of thyroid medicine (he takes 5 pills a day and our insurance says the maximum dose is 1 and ½ pills a day). The problem is that all of this medicine is not fixing the problem and he feels miserable, can’t sleep, had trouble concentrating, I guess you get the picture. There are a couple of other treatment options but again we don’t do simple. The other options are a radioactive isotope that he can swallow and should kill all or part of the thyroid or surgery to remove the thyroid. Sounds simple enough but 1) his heart rate is so high anesthesia is not a great option and 2) he only has one kidney which makes the radioactive treatment tricky. So the lesser of two evils is the isotope. The doctor has assured us that this dose should be okay and not hurt his kidney function. So he will have scans done Tuesday and Wed. and then will swallow his radioactive isotope on Friday. He will have to stay away from people in general for about 3 days and can’t be around children or pregnant people for 10 days. Since Stanton had his own from of radioactive treatment Jeff and I are very aware of all of the side effects. We used to joke that he would glow in the dark so I guess I now will have a new glow baby.

With everything he has been through in his short life I just hate that Hayden has to endure yet something else. He is pretty stressed out over the whole situation but he really wants to feel better. He says I am acting as if I don’t care but I am just trying to hide my fear from him, trying to be strong.

So I ask of all of you prayer warriors, will you say a special prayer this week that all of this treatment will go well and most importantly that Hayden will have a sense of peace going into this.

Once again cradled in His arms
Tina

Tuesday, March 3, 2009 1:21 PM CST

I know you have all been so patient in waiting on me to update. I wish I had some fabulous excuse as to why it has taken so long but there is not one. Life has just been busy. For those of you who know me you know that I can have workaholic tendencies. These can be good but can also mean I put a lot of pressure on myself which can be bad. So that is my excuse, work!!! When I say it has been crazy busy, I mean it has been busy. It really started the week of Stanton’s birthday so of course it gave me somewhere to shift all of my depressed feelings. As long as I had to focus on work, I didn’t have to focus on anything else.

I did take the time to celebrate Stanton’s birthday at the angel garden. Lots of family came to release balloons and even those that weren’t there let us know in their own special way that they were there in spirit. The kids that are related to Stanton really never cease to amaze me with the ease that they handle such a tough situation. When they come to the angel garden it is just hard to be sad. They don’t see it as a sad place. It is kind of sad that they at such a young age understand the concept of death and the angel garden. So Mary Claire, Elynn Kate, Judson (yes he is started early), Haynes and Maddox, thank you for making Stanton’s birthday as special as always. My other nieces were sick and actually released their balloon from the window of their car.

I received so many emails and phone calls that weekend. I know I didn’t get a chance to talk to you all but thank you so much for remembering.

So let’s see what else is going on. Baseball season has started so Jeff is umpiring a lot. Hayden has finals today and a few days off before his spring quarter starts. He is doing really well in school and has lots of big dreams for his future. He stays pretty busy between school and work so there are many times when we just speak in passing. I never understood text messaging until now. I love that I can send him a message anytime I want to even if it is just to tell him to have a good day.

I need to get back to my work for the day. Thank you all for hanging in there in not giving up on an update.

In Him
Tina

Friday, February 13, 2009 3:02 PM CST

To journal or not to journal that is the question. I will admit I have started this entry several times today. I wanted to check in with you all but kind of wanted to run from reality. Today is Stanton’s 4 year angel-versary. Has it really been 4 years? Sure doesn’t feel like it. Usually my drive to and from work is pretty calming but yesterday’s drive home and today’s drive to work were just really hard. My mind just went and went and went and a couple of times I was not sure I was going to be able to breathe in the next breath. I thought this was supposed to get easier. I have kept myself busy at work which has helped and which will explain the short post. I did have a great surprise today. My mom, Jamie, Mary Claire, Elynn Kate and Judson showed up at my office this morning. They can always bring a smile to my face. We enjoyed lunch and some fun time at Jumpin Jupiter before I had to come back to work. My counselor and I talked about this day and how hard it was and he made a suggestion. He suggested rather than focusing on the negative that maybe I could think of things to be gracious for during this difficult journey. Needless to say where Stanton is concerned I didn’t have any trouble finding things to be grateful for. He taught me so very much. If you get a minute and he taught you something maybe you can just jot it down in the guestbook. I know it will mean so much to sit down and read them.

I know I won’t journal again tomorrow but tomorrow is the day we celebrate the day that we were blessed with such an amazing little boy just 8 years ago. Someone once said that it must be neat to see that everyone celebrates Stanton’s birthday (being as it is Valentine’s day and all).

Hug your children a little tighter tonight in remembrance of a special angel.

Mom to Stanton, my youngest valentine
Tina

Wednesday, February 4, 2009 4:49 PM CST

I am guessing there are at least a couple of people still checking in that may be wondering about this weekend’s St. Jude auction. It was another HUGE success with another record setting total, 876,000 dollars. Absolutely amazing is all that I can say. I don’t think that Minden is in jeopardy of losing the title of giving the most per capita to St. Jude than any other city in the nation. Our community embraces this cause and gives and gives and gives. It was a fun weekend which it always is but also bittersweet for me. I so wanted to be able to stand up there and tell a story with a happy ending. The good news is that there were several families which were able to tell their success stories and that is what the auction is all about. Raising the money to find the cure that will give every family a chance to tell their success story.

This weekend wouldn’t be possible without all of the volunteers that spend countless hours at the Civic Center during the weekend, as well as the many hours leading up to the weekend. All of these volunteers have become so special to me and my family not just because of their work for St. Jude but for their support for us through the years. I couldn’t possible mention you all because I am certain to forget someone so to all of you thank you so much.

On Sunday we have “Stanton” volunteer hours and many of Stanton’s friends and family come from 1-4 and help out with the phones and many other things. We had a special visitor this year and it was one of the “God winks” you may have heard about. She did not know that we had “Stanton” hours and she was just showing up for her love of St. Jude. She loved Stanton and has been a BIG supporter of our family and she will always hold a special place in our hearts. Jan-thank you so much for what you do for St. Jude but more importantly what you do for us. Your timing couldn’t have been more perfect. We love you. To all of our other friends and family who helped us not only during these hours but all weekend we thank you for your continued support of St. Jude and our family.

My fear of people forgetting Stanton was once again erased this weekend as donation after donation came in in memory of him. Thank you to all of you who honored us by calling in in his memory.

The next couple of weeks will be pretty emotional as Stanton’s angelversary and birthday are coming up. It doesn’t seem to be any easier than the previous years. I know from experience that God will carry me when I can’t walk on my own and I have to think that his arms will be full over the next few weeks.

Thank you as always for your continued love and support.

Blessed to be part of an AMAZING community
Tina

Wednesday, January 28, 2009 11:16 AM CST

I know you all have waited patiently for a new update but this is going to have to be short and sweet. I just wanted to remind all of you out in cyberland that the Minden St. Jude Auction is this weekend. The website where you can go to buy raffle tickets for so many things is www.mindenstjude.com. I also have to be a little selfish and ask for prayers for me. I have strep throat and I really want to feel better for this weekend. Our family usually spends the entire weekend at the Civic Center and I don't want it to have to be any different this year. I do have a special update in the works so please just hang in there.

In Him
Tina

Friday, January 2, 2009 1:24 PM CST

Today could not go by without me remembering January 2, 2003. I remember every detail as if it were yesterday. You see as most of you know this is the day that changed the rest of my life. We went from living the dream to being in the middle of a HUGE nightmare. Until this day I never thought "that" could happen to us. Boy was I wrong and still not sure why I ever thought that to begin with. What is the hardest to believe is that it has now been 6 years since this day and how the journey has played out. I can't believe that since this day my baby has fought for his life only to win (ultimately for him) the battle. There is not a single day that still goes by that I don't think of him and how life should be so different for all of us. As I have said before, this is also the year that I have dreaded since Stanton went to heaven. From here on there was not a time to compare to. He will have been gone longer than he was here and I can't believe that. I know that this day will pass and I will keep going but please remember that the next couple of months will be very difficult. Thank you as always for your continued prayers and support. I hope you all have a wonderful 2009.

Sad, so sad
Tina

Friday, January 2, 2009 1:24 PM CST

Monday, December 29, 2008 2:27 PM CST

Sorry to not get back by here before Christmas but I think you will all understand how crazy things can get around this time.

We have survived yet another Christmas without Stanton. This makes 4, not that I am counting or anything. He was here for 4 and has been gone for 4. For those of you walking behind me in this journey I wish I had better news for you. This year was just as hard as all of the others. I have really got to find a way to find at least a little joy on the actual day of Christmas. Instead I tend to focus on who was not there and that makes me very sad. It is a very emotional day so by middle afternoon I am exhausted.

It did seem a little different this year with Hayden. He is so grown up acting so the magic that you see with young children was missing. Don’t get me wrong this is not the first year it has been like that it was just precipitated by the fact that he technically doesn’t live “at home” anymore. He informed me that “home is where your TV is”.

I will be very honest with you in that this is a year that I hate to see end. The time that I have dreaded since the day Stanton died is approaching. This year (2009) Stanton will have been in heaven longer than he was here with us. So the next few days will also be extremely difficult so if you get a minute please say an extra prayer.

A special thank you to an incredible prayer warrior who continues to remind me that Stanton will never be forgotten. Dena-the “noman” ornament was precious and the book was perfect. I am going to share it with the rest of my family including the kids that have been affected. Needless to say the timing was perfect and my spirits were lifted. Thank you for reminding me that you guys are still there.

I hope you all have a Blessed New Year
Tina

Tuesday, December 9, 2008 3:50 PM CST

This is going to be a quick update but I had an important piece of information I wanted to share. One week ago today I became an aunt again. Judson was born on Dec. 2nd, four weeks early but it appears he was just ready to be here. It has been a long time since I have had a nephew (about 14 years I think). The good news is that I definitely know what to do with little boys. He is beautiful and he has two incredible big sisters.

I don’t have to remind you all how incredibly difficult this time of the year is for me and so many others who will be experiencing the holidays without their children. Seven years ago I would tell you that I did not understand “Christmas depression” at all. How could anyone be depressed during the happiest time of the year? Four years ago I completely understood how this is not the happiest time of the year for many. I can’t go anywhere without thinking about Stanton and what it would be like if he was around.

Hayden has started his second quarter of college (he is actually a sophomore now because of all the extra classes he took in high school). He has 4 classes and so far so good. He seems to feel a little better. Please continue to say a special prayer for him that his medicine will continue to do it’s job and life for him will be good. I could never put into words just how special he is to me and how much I love him. He has been through so much and as his mom it really hurts that I couldn’t fix everything and make it better for him.

In case I don’t get back here before Christmas just a reminder to not forget the reason for the season. I thank God everyday for the birth of Jesus and the fact that He was willing to give him up for us.

In Him
Tina

Tuesday, November 25, 2008 1:06 PM CST

I know I am long past due for an update. I sit down and start to type and sometimes believe it or not the words are not there.

This week of course brings very special meaning to me and so many others. It is the week that we get to celebrate our thanks for all in our lives. I had a friend one time challenge me to write 7 things I was thankful for each day for an entire week. I know it sounds easy but when you can’t list only people and you can’t repeat items or even similar things it was a bit difficult on days. Although it was also during a time when maybe I didn’t feel so thankful.

I am sure I have mentioned this somewhere along the way but when Stanton first got sick it dawned on me one day that I spent many hours a day asking God for things, for answers, for miracles. One thing I didn’t do was to take the time to thank Him. From that moment on I start every prayer with a thank you for something. Some days were and are more difficult than others but even on my darkest day there was something to be thankful for.

Our sermon in church on Sunday was about being thankful. Parts of it were hard to listen to because talking about hardships brought back so many memories. Brother Wayne reminded us that God does not cause bad things to happen, but that He does allow them, meaning nothing happens that God is not aware of. This was a and still is sometimes difficult for me to grasp. I loved the example that he gave after this though. He said that although God may not part the waters for you to walk across easily, even if you are in the middle of troubled waters he does promise to get in them with you. I hope that made sense because after reading it I like how it sounded better. I will be the first to tell you that I still have so many questions and some days I feel like I have some answers and other days I feel like there could never be an answer.

Hayden’s school is on a quarter system so he has finished his first quarter and made an A and 2 B’s. We were and are so proud of him. He is now officially a sophomore, boy that makes me sound old. He starts back to school next week and has another full schedule. Please also say a little prayer that he will feel better again. I don’t know if it is his thyroid or just the remnants of a cold but he has not felt good and has said on more than one occasion “I just wish I could feel better.”

I hope all of you have a very Happy Thanksgiving and remember to actually stop and say thanks.

Thankful for so much
Tina

Thursday, October 30, 2008 12:56 AM CDT

I just looked at the website and really can’t believe that it has been that long since my last entry. The computer must have lost one or two (ha ha). I can’t even say it is because life has been boring because that is not even the case.

I guess I will start with my trip to Seattle, we had a great time. My favorite traveling partner, Angela didn’t have as many obligations as usual so she had some time to sight see with me which was great. No, I did not get to meet Dr. McDreamy but we did go to the top of the Space Needle which was Awesome. The view was breathtaking though I will say that Angela only saw it from the inside. Not me, I walked around the whole perimeter. For those of you who shared weather tips thank you so much. You were right on target except for the rain. Can you believe it did not rain until the day that we were leaving?? The weather was perfect. We made it home safely and life was still in the fast lane.

One of my favorite little girls of all time celebrated a birthday on the 18th. Mary Claire turned 9 (oh my she makes me feel old). I never thought that I could love her more but I do each and every day. She can bring a smile at life’s most difficult moments.

Hayden also celebrated a birthday this past week. I just can’t believe how time flies. He continues to make me so very proud of the man that he has become. Things have not always been great for him but he has managed to make a place in his life for all of it and still come out on top. Hayden I love you so much and continue to be amazed at your strength and courage. You make me so proud in all that you do.

Okay, so I will fast forward a few days and describe last night’s events. It was the Fall Festival and church and each year it has a theme. Well, I have played it by ear each year and decided if I could “handle” going. The first year I felt I had a lot to prove one year it was a NASCAR theme so you get it right? Well last night was a western theme. I am not really why I thought that this would be a year that I could “handle” (we all know the cowboy that Stanton was) but once again I guess I felt I had something to prove. I know pretty ridiculous. Let’s just say that there were a couple of times I almost reached out to grab a little boy all dressed up as a cowboy before reminding myself that Stanton was not there. When we were in line for supper, Mary Claire said “Stancie would have loved this carnival”. All I could say was “oh yes he would”. Then I remembered that his last Halloween he was dressed up as a cowboy riding a horse, Mary Claire was a scarecrow and Elynn Kate was the crow. They made the front page of our local paper.

So yes, it was hard. Was it as hard as the years before, maybe not. Did I shed my share of tears, of course. Did anyone see those tears? Of course not. Do I “get” this crazy messed up world we live in? Do I think anything about Stanton’s life was fair? Will I ever be the same person, mom, wife, aunt, sister, daughter, friend? Do I completely understand God’s plan for all of our pain? I think you can answer these questions pretty easily. Then answer is NO! What I do know is that this world is just a stopping ground before we get to our eternal world. I learned the hard way what my mom always said about life not being fair. I am thankful that maybe Stanton didn’t think life was so bad. I know that I don’t want to be the same person, mom, wife, aunt, sister, daughter or friend that I was. I hope I have learned a few lessons and am better at all of the above. And last but not least I know that I don’t have to understand the plan, I just have to believe and have faith that there is one and that God will never nor has He left my side under any circumstance.

Okay, I guess that is enough of a soapbox for today. I’ve got a conference call and a meeting back to back so I better go for now. Thanks as always for your love and support.

Missing my baby (Can you tell?)
Tina

Friday, October 10, 2008 12:13 AM CDT

I know it has been a few days to many since my last update. Thank you for those of you who still check on us and for the gentle prodding to keep journaling. Life has continued to go full speed ahead for all of us. Work has been busy, Hayden is busy at school and Jeff is gearing up for the hunting season.

Thank you for all of you Washingtonites that shared the weather with me. I hope I have packed well. Last year when we went to Philly there was a heat wave and it was warmer there than back home. They loved it I really wanted some cold weather.

Hayden has been on his medicine a month now and really seems to be doing well. He is like a completely different kid. I am not going to be home this weekend to see him so this is going to be hard for me not seeing him in 2 weeks.

I really wish I had more to share but our life is really quite boring these days.

In Him
Tina

I also have to say Happy Birthday to my mom (yesterday). I was going to mention her age but decided that she's been pretty nice to me so I will be nice back.

Tuesday, September 23, 2008 3:49 PM CDT

Thank you all for so patiently waiting on my to update. When I say I am not sure where all the hours in the day go I mean it. I just wanted to stop by for an update on Hayden. We got his lab reports back from the new doctor and they were worse than what we were expecting. She increased the medicine he is taking to 5 pills a day. Just for a little perspective our insurance company says the maximum allowed dose is 1 1/2 pills per day. The docotr was really good and I think got through to Hayden how serious this disease can be. He really has been one very sick boy. It is really to soon to tell by his mood if he is improving or not. He says that he may feel a little better. School is going good for him, keeping him pretty busy I think but he seems to like it. He is looking for a job in the Ruston area if any of you readers know of something.

I also have a shout out to all my Washington State readers if there are any Gerhard? I will be coming to Seattle in October and was wondering what the weather is like and what I need to pack. Last year when we went to Philadelphia they had a heat streak and it was hotter there than in Louisiana. I hope that is not the case this year.

Thanks again for your concerns and prayers.

Blessed
Tina

Tuesday, September 23, 2008 3:47 PM CDT

Tuesday, September 23, 2008 3:45 PM CDT

Tuesday, September 23, 2008 3:37 PM CDT
Thank you all for so patiently waiting on my to update. When I say I am not sure where all the hours in the day go I mean it. I just wanted to stop by for an update on Hayden. We got his lab reports back from the new doctor and they were worse than what we were expecting. She increased the medicine he is taking to 5 pills a day. Just for a little perspective our insurance company says the maximum allowed dose is 1 1/2 pills per day. The docotr was really good and I think got through to Hayden how serious this disease can be. He really has been one very sick boy. It is really to soon to tell by his mood if he is improving or not. He says that he may feel a little better. School is going good for him, keeping him pretty busy I think but he seems to like it. He is looking for a job in the Ruston area if any of you readers know of something.

I also have a shout out to all my Washington State readers if there are any Gerhard? I will be coming to Seattle in October and was wondering what the weather is like and what I need to pack. Last year when we went to Philadelphia they had a heat streak and it was hotter there than in Louisiana. I hope that is not the case this year.

Thanks again for your concerns and prayers.

Blessed
Tina

Tuesday, September 23, 2008 3:37 PM CDT

Thursday, September 11, 2008 10:45 AM CDT

September 11, I bet most of you can remember where you were 7 years ago today. I can so vividly. I had stopped to see my daddy on the way home from work and when I got in the car to go to work news of the planes hitting the World Trade Center were just starting. I remember thinking what a horrible tragedy never thinking that it was done intentionally. In the next few minutes the news would report a possible attack on the United States and I remember being a little shocked. When I got to the hospital I got the first look of many at the tragedy unfolding. As I watched on TV I remember wanting to go back home. To go see Hayden, Stanton and Jeff and to know that they were okay. Many people did leave work early that day for that very reason. I remember going over my priorities in my head over and over making sure they were in the right place. You see at that point in my life I had it all. I had a wonderful husband, 2 incredible children, an amazing extended family, friends, great job, went to church every Sunday. Life was sweet. I remember watching as the families grieved the loss of their husbands, wives and children and thinking how in the world do they go on after this. There is no way that I could do that. My how 7 years can change things! I now look back at how my life has changed since then, the ups the downs and all the in betweens. I still struggle with how to go on from here. I struggle with the evil in the world and the pain that comes with it. I feel like my whole life occurred within the last 7 years. As you probably can tell Stanton has been front and center in my mind lately. Sometimes the reality of it is almost suffocating. Yet, each day I get up, tell God that I am really not up for this, try to let Him have it all, and go on.

I have a special prayer request for Hayden. I don’t know if most of you remember but he was diagnosed with Grave’s Disease last year. He took his medicine and felt better so he decided to stop taking it and now he is really having a lot of trouble. We were blessed in a cancellation at his new doctor’s office yesterday. He really liked her and we should know more in a couple of days when they get his lab work back. With his symptoms and last lab work she was confident that his thyroid was really messed up. The biggest issue is that the easy treatment for this is a radioactive pill for him to take but he does not qualify because he only has one kidney. He has just really felt bad so please pray that we get this all sorted out so he can feel better.

I also have to stop and say a special belated Happy Birthday to my best friend and husband. Jeff-sorry I am a day late, you know that is the story of my life. Sorry your day wasn’t as happy as it should have been. I love you!

Blessed, Broken, maybe a little confused
Tina

Wednesday, September 3, 2008 10:30 AM CDT

Wow! I can’t believe it has been so long since the last update. I am really not quite sure where all of the time goes. I guess if I don’t know what is going on in life that is going by so fast that it is hard to share with you but for the latest: We are in northern Louisiana so we did not get the worst of Hurricane Gustav although it has been raining now for 2 days, the kids got a few days off from school and it is just plain yuck outside. Hayden’s classes have not changed as they have not even started yet. They start tomorrow and Mrs. Fay I don’t know if I have mentioned his major. He is majoring in Political Science with a pre-law concentration, which I think means a journalism minor. He is really ready for school to start I think just to see how things are going to be. Missing him each times he leaves to go stay in Ruston has really not gotten any easier. I still am so very proud of the man he has become. Everything else around our house is pretty quiet. I spend a lot of time on my back porch just enjoying God’s creation. I just finished an incredible book and was curious if anyone else has read it and what they thought. It is called “The Shack” and I don’t want to go into detail because it would give away to much information. Although fictional it gave me a great deal to think about. My daddy is down south helping a friend with a catering company feed clean-up crews. The last time he did this was with Hurricane Katrina and he was done for 30 + days and I told him he could never do that again. Well, my daddy is a man of his word and when help is needed he is there so he left at 4:00 Sunday morning. I think the conditions are definitely better than last time but I still wish he was home. Well, I really need to get back to work. Thank all of you who continue to check on us. We feel the prayers daily.

In Him
Tina

Friday, August 22, 2008 2:42 PM CDT

Boy has my world been busy lately. Never underestimate what it takes to get a child off to college, financially, physically and most of all mentally. Hayden has spent a couple of nights in Ruston up until yesterday and I think yesterday was the move in for good day. It sure felt like it from my standpoint. I know last night when my recurring nightmare woke me up it really hit hard when I went to his room to check on him and he wasn't there. I have a LONGGGGGGGGGG way to go emotionally. I am putting my nerves and fears in to more productive things the biggest being cleaning my house. I have it to the point now when anyone can stop by and I won't feel so bad because it looks so bad. I have cleaned top to bottom but still have several rooms to go. I hate to clean so I never realized what a stress releaver it can be. I have also gotten to spend some time with Hollan and Hadley. Boy they grow up so fast. Hollan and Elynn Kate started Kindergarten this year. They are supposed to be my babies. And that Hadley is just a talking up a storm. Granted I can't always understand her but that doesn't stop her. I went last night and watched Hollan cheer at her back to school night. She loves to perform. I also went with her to get her new dancing shoes and I promise you at every store she found something that she needed. When I said something to her she said "it never hurts to ask". I think I have said that to my daddy a time or two. Well, I need to get back to work. I thank you all who continue to check on us, love us and pray for us. If you see me around and it looks like I have been crying, I probably have and it is okay to just hug me without saying a word. I know you understand.

Feeling pretty lonely
Tina

Monday, August 4, 2008 12:28 AM CDT

Okay, this entry has been in my head for a couple of weeks now. I would attempt to put it in writing but the words would just stop. My sign that I just didn’t have the words yet. So, I am once again going to give it a try but must warn you that as always this will be bluntly honest and straight from my heart (which is filled with so many things). First of all a few weeks ago I was confronted about my journal and the things that I put here. I at that point began to question my journaling on this site, to journal or not to journal, that was the question. After many back and forths you see to journal won. This is just one of a couple of places that I feel I can be me and no one can ever really understand that.

Hayden is gearing up and getting ready to go to school which is bringing about so many emotions for me. Emotions regarding him and missing him but also those memories of Stanton that remind me I get one shot at this whole college thing. Needless to say I am not doing so well and there have already been many tears shed.

I also read on another angel journal something that just made so much sense. People try to tell you that time heals, time makes it better. Well to be perfectly honest with you I have yet to find this to be true. Like this mother put it, time makes the days with your child farther and farther away, it makes the memories harder to come, it brings fear that you will forget. I know that this is the point I am at right now and I know that it is beginning to be the time of the year when this will only get worse before it gets better. So I ask of you who read this, if you see me and I look down, I probably am and I probably won’t be able to give you a specific reason. I simple smile or a hug will work, reminding me that you are still there no matter what my emotional state.

We had a great Gospel Jubilee at our church last night. I almost didn’t go because I was just not sure it was my thing and I have to say thank you to Mary Claire who was the one who convinced me to go. It was AWESOME and I truly enjoyed getting to see the expression on MC and EK’s faces as they watched. Of course already having an emotional weekend a couple of songs just hit to the core, one that Lauren King ministries sang everytime they came to the RMH and another one that Trish sang at least once for us. Talk about a flood of memories. But there was this one song and I can’t even begin to remember all of the lyrics but it was a song about a little boy that asked his dad where he came from and the dad replied “I prayed you here”. From the first line to the last I had tears rolling down my face. My mind went back to the years of trying to get pregnant with Stanton. The prayers that were prayed for us to conceive. What a miracle he was from the first moment we knew we were pregnant. What we didn’t know then was what a special little boy he would be who was sent here to teach us so much in such a short time. And then how the song portrayed his whole life. Every step every milestone was an answer to prayer. Even until the day he entered heaven and he looked at God and asked how he got there I hope that God told him that we (all of you included) prayed him there.

So much is going on in our world right now any extra prayers you have would be appreciated. I know that you all are the best prayer warriors in the world.

Filled with Emotion
Tina

Thursday, July 24, 2008 11:52 AM CDT

Well, I know you are all waiting on a cruise update. Let me tell you, we had a GREAT time and really were not ready to come home. As usual, anytime that I get some special one on one time with Hayden it is amazing and he did not let me down. I tried to hang with him as late as night as possible. He will not like me saying this but I did get asked if I was his girlfriend a couple of times he he he! There were a LOT of people in a small amount of space but as long as everyone was patient and took there time things went smoothly. We enjoyed the shows on the boat each night but not before enjoying “warm chocolate melting cake.” Man oh man this was good. I really liked the fact that what you wanted is what you got. Unbelievably enough I gained no weight while I was gone. We did have quite the adventure getting on the boat but I will leave that to imagination. The first night we went to dinner we met the family we would be dining with from Georgia. They had a little girl and her friend that visited with Daddy and kept him entertained. The first port of call was Cozumel-we spent about 7 hours of this day shopping. We got a couple of good buys but not much. The 2nd port of call was Calica/Playa del Carma-we actually taxied to the beach during this stop and just played on the beach. The water was absolutely beautiful. I think we all relaxed a bit. I guess I will try to put up pictures.

Tina

Oh, and what are the chances that within 10 minutes of setting sail that we would see a woman with a sash on that read “Mrs. Stanton”. Someone please share the odds with me.

Thursday, July 24, 2008 11:48 AM CDT

Thursday, July 3, 2008 3:02 PM CDT

I know I know it has been WAAAAYYYY too long since my last update. I am not even sure where to start. For life to be some seemingly boring there has been a lot going on. Of course most, well maybe all of it seems to be centered around Hayden. He has been busy working and taking 3 college classes. Have I told you lately how very proud I am of him??? He went to his college orientation a couple of weeks ago and got his schedule lined out for the fall. He was asked to be in the honors program at Tech so he will be taking at least 2 honors classes. He has worked so very hard on all of the college classes that he has taken so far (24 hours) and it felt really good to see him rewarded for that. We all know that his high school transcript in no way reflects Hayden’s academic potential so it is great that he is doing so well. He had applied for many scholarships including a couple for siblings who had been affected by cancer. We got a letter this week saying that he had gotten one of these scholarships. Again he was more than excited as were Jeff and I (this whole college thing is expensive).

Hayden, mom, dad and I will be leaving in about a week and a half for a 5 day cruise to Mexico. This is replacing our yearly family trip to the beach. Jeff opted to save his time off for duck season so it is once again quality time for Hayden and I which you all know that I love. I know this special time will be pretty hard to come by once he starts college “officially” so I will enjoy every minute of it.

The little boy that I mentioned in my last post, Reece, joined Stanton in heaven a couple of weeks ago. I really can’t put into words how deeply this hit home for me. I guess just knowing what his family is experiencing just makes it hard. I know what they are going through and the emotions that go along with that and my heart just aches for them. Please continue to keep them in your prayers as I know this is such a terrible time for all of them.

Well, I need to get back to work to finish up before our long weekend. I hope you all have a fun holiday weekend. I encourage you to spend a little extra time with your friends and family. I know we will.

Tina

Monday, June 16, 2008 11:45 AM CDT

Good Monday morning almost afternoon to all! I really don’t have a lot to say today. Things have been busy with Hayden and I getting back into work mode. He has not gotten to antsy over moving to Ruston yet which is good for me. I know the time will come to soon. He is staying busy at the pool, umpiring and of course with his 3 online classes. Have I told you lately how much I love and respect him??

I have a special prayer request and I know those of you who are still out there are AWESOME prayer warriors. The grandson on a physician in our small town was the victim of a drowning incident. You may visit his site by going to www.caringbridge.org and then typing in Reecekemmerly in the box that asks what site you want to visit. I know firsthand how much it means to get on your website and see all of the messages of prayer and hope from people all over the world. Once again you have the chance to make someone’s day a little brighter when it can seem so dark.

One thing I can’t end today without mentioning is the fact that it is Jeff and mine 19th anniversary. Oh how that day seems like so long ago. The odds were stacked against us from the beginning but we have come so very far. Jeff-what can I say, you are my very best friend in the entire world and I love you so very much. You have been exactly what I need everytime I need it. I know that I could not have gotten through the last 5 years without you there by my side every step of the way. I know I am not the easiest to get along with most days so thank you even more on those days. I love you more than I ever tell you! Happy anniversary.

In Him
Tina

Tuesday, June 10, 2008 12:14 AM CDT

Okay, so we all made it back from the beach safe and sound. Hayden and I drove all night after my grandfathers memorial service and got to Destin about 2 in the morning. I really can’t think of a better way to spend 8 hours than to be in the car with Hayden. We travel pretty good together and have made several road trips just the 2 of us that I have throuroughly enjoyed. I think we both open up a bit more when it is just the two of us. Have I mentioned lately how much I am going to miss him in a few months. I have no doubt that he is more than capable of living on his own so it is not really him I am worried about.

I think the crew had a good time in Florida. There was a time when I think they all were having to much together time but they got over it and I think they all came back as friends. Jill and I had a good time laying by the pool and the beach and of course a few shopping trips. As always on these type of trips I have plenty of time to let my mind rest yet it tends to go faster than usual. I spent a lot of time thinking about my grandfather, grandmother, Stanton and all of his friends in heaven. I know things for them are absolutely glorious but oh how my heart aches for them to be here with me. Pretty selfish huh?? I read a book that was actually a follow-up to the special that was aired with Diane Sawyer called “The Last Lecture”. I was a little disappointed to find that there was not much more in the book that was not already talked about on TV but I was glad to have it in writing so I could remember it all. Just like as I watched it, as I read it I was reminded of Stanton and all of the other kids that fought such courageous battles. They never made you feel sorry for them. If Stanton would have had hair you would have never known he was sick. He didn’t want your sympathy. He wanted your time and full attention so that he could have fun. He was dealt a hand of cards that weren’t great but he was finding a way to make up his own card game and what a fun time he had doing just that. This book was a way for Randy Pausch to teach his children how to live after he was gone. What a wonderful thing for his children to have. Stanton did not write a book, I guess in a way I kind of wrote it for him but he did exactly what Mr. Pausch did. Stanton lived his life in a way to teach those he would leave behind how to live. I have to say that the last couple of weeks have been extremely tough, and I really don’t want to bore you with all of the details (although I will ask for special prayer for Jeff and I) and it seems like we can’t put one foot in front of the other without being knocked back 4 steps and Stanton has been on my mind a WHOLE lot. I am trying to live by his example. There was so much he was trying to teach me in those 4 short years I would hate to feel like I didn’t get it.

Stanton-It seems like I miss you more with each passing day. I desperately feel like I need one of your famous hugs or butterfly kisses. I love you ttttttttttttthhhhhhhhhhiiiiiiiiiissssssssss much!!!!!!!!!!

Learning from the best
Tina

Monday, June 2, 2008 11:57 AM CDT

I have been reminded yet once again that this journal is for me to feel better and for me to pour out my heart. Through this process I have gained some incredible friends and prayer warriors and it has been those people who have lifted me up when I needed it the most.

As you can imagine this weekend has been a difficult one. I know that Papaw is safe in the arms of Jesus, playing with Stanton and most importantly seeing his wife and best friend for the first time in 4 years. So this entry is straight from my heart and hopefully will provide you with a little insight as to who Papaw GG was.

Papaw-I miss you so much already but I am pretty sure you have hooked up with Mamaw and Stanton. We talked yesterday about which one of them got to you first. We pretty much decided Stanton probably sent Mamaw down the wrong way so he could be first.

I know that I told you I loved you all of the time and I know that you heard me each and every time. What I never told you was how much you influenced my life and who I am today. I guess I never thanked you for just being you so here goes.

First of all thank you for giving my mother the foundation that she got growing up with you as a father. You taught her great morals, values and strength that she was able to share with and eventually pass on to us. Thank you for being the perfect papaw that you were. You taught us so much about love just by watching you love us, mom and most importantly mamaw. I know that when we were at your house we came first and you arranged everything down to where you were going to get to sleep based on what we wanted. You taught us the value of hard work and what it took to get by in life. You taught us to love others. Last night was a testimony to the lives you had touched by visiting people, sharing your stories and your vegetables.

I loved watching you play with my children. They loved coming to Papaw GG’s as much as I did when I was a kid. Hayden talked last night how he would come and spend the night with you and all of the fun things you would do. Again, thank you for loving my children in a way that only a papaw can.

I miss you terribly but when mom told me you were gone the first memory that came to mind was you telling mamaw good-bye at the funeral home. All I could think is that you were reunited with her and what a great reunion that must have been.

I could go on and on about the papaw that I loved so much but I think you probably already know. I love you Papaw GG! Be sure and share some of my love with mamaw and Stanton.

Tina

Hayden and I will be traveling to Destin after the funeral today for his senior trip. Please say a special prayer for safe travels for us.

Friday, May 30, 2008 5:58 PM CDT

Just checking in from my Blackberry to let you all know that my grandfather passed away this morning. I will update more later but know he is playing with Stanton and mamaw

Broken once again
Tina

Tuesday, May 27, 2008 3:49 PM CDT

This update will probably be short and sweet but I need a few extra prayers and I know you guys can handle it.

This weekend was a difficult one for me. I wish I could pin point one thing that triggered the tears but I couldn’t. I guess I just needed a good cry. I spent some time by the pool which was great but just short-lived. I have had some good news lately which I guess I will start with. My sister is pregnant again. If you remember about a year ago she miscarried so she is cautiously excited although so far things look good with mom and baby (secretly and maybe selfishly I am praying for a girl). She is not making it easy though as she is not going to find out if I am having a niece or a nephew until he/she is born in December. I think Mary Claire and Elynn Kate are excited, EK a little more cautious than MC.

We had a great time at a barbeque at Sarah and Gary’s yesterday. There were kids everywhere and I did wipe a tear away a couple of times thinking how much fun Stanton would be having with all of the girls (he would have been the only boy). Couldn’t help but to think that life is just not fair.

Hayden was in and out all weekend which too was I am sure a reason for the blues. In a couple of months this is how my house will be all of the time. My biggest prayer request on this area is, I guess I have 2; the first that Hayden will be safe and the second for me to find where I fit in now. I love being a mom and I know that I will still be Hayden’s mom but things are different. He doesn’t need me as much and I was supposed to have another one at home to keep me busy. So please pray for me to find out where I fit into this new chapter in all of our lives.

This morning we found out that my grandfather who lives at the VA home in Bossier was not doing real well. He was just curled up in a ball and in pain. The doctor told mom that there is nothing that they can do for him. I know that he is 90 years old and has lived a very full life but I get so aggravated that after all he has done for so many people and his family that this is what life comes to. He is laying in a bed, not recognizing anyone and hurting. Have I mentioned that life is not fair.

I also have to say a public thank you to my favorite father-in-law. I know that he has no idea the impact of one statement he made had on me but I have to share. You all know my fear is that Stanton will be forgotten and yesterday was proof that that fear is a very silly one. Someone who does not know our story asked O.H. how many grandchildren he had. You see this can be a very difficult question because there are a lot of questions and “I’m sorrys” that come with the answer. But he never missed a beat. He said “6” and at that moment I knew that as of that moment Stanton was not forgotten. Thank You and I love you so much.

Missing my baby SOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO Bad
Tina

Monday, May 19, 2008 2:34 PM CDT

Well, a new chapter of Hayden’s life has begun. He graduated from Minden High School on Friday at 7:00. Not wanting to shed to many tears here at work I will just say I am so VERY proud of him and all that he has accomplished.

The rest of the weekend was full of parties for him and yesterday one for the 3 great-grandchildren my grandmother had graduating this year. We all go so fast that we don’t take the time to spend with each other so this was a fun time by all.

For now, Hayden is going to continue working, he is taking 3 online classes from BPCC and getting ready to move to Ruston. Life as I know it is changing rapidly.

Needless to say all of the activity has brought Stanton to the forefront in my mind and the missing him is still so very painful.

I don’t know if I told you all last week that Hayden was rear-ended. He is okay but his truck is pretty messed up. Chalk it up to out good luck but the lady did not have insurance (which by the way is illegal in Louisiana). So Hayden was saying that while everyone else is getting new cars, laptops etc. for graduation he was getting a lawyer to try to get his truck fixed. Sometimes I just wish life could cut him a little of a break.

Well, I need to get back to work.

Tina

Monday, May 12, 2008 12:33 AM CDT

So, fair warning this may be a little lengthy. I seem to have a lot on my mind today. We had a good weekend but for me it was pretty emotional.
I have to start with the fun part of the weekend. The Haynes’ gave Hayden a senior party at our house and it was a HUGE success. A good group of kids came and they all seemed to have a good time. Hayden loved the decorations and the t-shirts they gave as party favors. The water was still a little cool but that did not stop them from swimming and throwing those in that tried to stay dry. I will say it again, I cannot believe Hayden is graduating, ughhhhhhh.
Then there was mother’s day. This is one of those days that I don’t think anyone gets except those who have lost a child. It is like I want to call it half mother’s day. The day just doesn’t seem complete without Stanton. Hayden got me a beautiful necklace that I love. That was another source of heartache for me, knowing that this is his last mother’s day at home. I know he will come home but he will have another home to go back to. On this day everyone recognizes those who no longer had mothers living which I can only imagine is hard but those of us who are missing are children are in as much pain.
So with all of this and another little piece on information I got this weekend I struggled. I admit it, I had my moments. I did get a chance to go to the angel garden all by myself which I love to do. I went before it got to busy for Mother’s day so it was quiet. Stanton was laid to rest at the foot of a huge cross in the cemetery and I love to just go sit and listen. You will always hear birds, an occasional airplane, cows mooing and if you are lucky you will spot a deer or butterfly. It is so very peaceful and although I know Stanton is not there I still feel so close to him there.
When I am in this down mood sometimes it is something little that makes a difference and yesterday that difference would come from a statement made by a “survivor” on TV. Yes the season finale was last night and you never know where you might find strength. I wish I could remember which lady said it but I can’t because as soon as she said it my mind went into gear. “Whatever happens is part of God’s plan and God’s plan is never wrong” WOW! I know I have been told this before just not in these exact words. I thought about this and how it applied to my life. I know there have been days when I have prayed that all of this is wrong. I just know I am going to wake up and Stanton is still going to be here. I know this is not happening so I am thankful that God’s plan is not wrong and because of this I know that Stanton is “home” and that one day I will be there with him. God has promised me that according to his plan this earth is temporary and if I can just make it through there is a wonderful place awaiting me.
When I got to work I had an email devotional that fit into my mood perfect so I have to post it here. I hope you enjoy.
He Understands
by Max Lucado
Cries of loneliness. Tune out the traffic and turn down the TV. The cry is there. You can hear their cries. You can hear them in the convalescent home among the sighs and the shuffling feet. You can hear them in the prisons among the moans of shame and the calls for mercy. You can hear them if you walk the manicured streets of suburban America, among the aborted ambitions and aging homecoming queens. Listen for it in the halls of our high schools where peer pressure weeds out the “have-nots” from the “haves.”
Many of you have been spared this cruel cry. Oh, you have been homesick or upset a time or two. But despair? Far from it. Suicide? Of course not. Be thankful that it hasn’t knocked on your door. Pray that it never will. If you have yet to fight this battle, you are welcome to read on if you wish, but I’m really writing to someone else.
I am writing to those who know this cry firsthand. I’m writing to those of you whose days are bookended with broken hearts and long evenings. I’m writing to those of you who can find a lonely person simply by looking in the mirror.
For you, loneliness is a way of life. The sleepless nights. The lonely bed. The distrust. The fear of tomorrow. The unending hurt.
When did it begin? In your childhood? At the divorce? At retirement? At the cemetery? When the kids left home?
Maybe you have fooled everyone. No one knows that you are lonely. On the outside you are packaged perfectly. Your smile is quick. Your job is stable. Your clothes are sharp. Your waist is thin. Your calendar is full. Your walk brisk. Your talk impressive. But when you look in the mirror, you fool no one. When you are alone, the duplicity ceases and the pain surfaces.
Or maybe you don’t try to hide it. Maybe you have always been outside the circle looking in, and everyone knows it. Your conversation is a bit awkward. Your companionship is seldom requested. Your clothes are dull. Your looks are common. Ziggy is your hero and Charlie Brown is your mentor.
Am I striking a chord? If I am, if you have nodded or sighed in understanding, I have an important message for you.
The most gut-wrenching cry of loneliness in history came not from a prisoner or a widow or a patient. It came from a hill, from a cross, from a Messiah.
“My God, my God,” he screamed, “why did you abandon me!” (Matthew 27:46)
Never have words carried so much hurt. Never has one being been so lonely.
Out of the silent sky come the words screamed by all who walk in the desert of loneliness. “Why? Why did you abandon me?”
I keep thinking of all the people who cast despairing eyes toward the dark heavens and cry “Why?”
And I imagine him. I imagine him listening. I picture his eyes misting and a pierced hand brushing away a tear. And although he may offer no answer, although he may solve no dilemma, although the question may freeze painfully in midair, he who also was once alone, understands.
Half Mother
Tina

Tuesday, May 6, 2008 12:51 AM CDT

I know it has been WAY to long between updates and I apologize. I have looked at a blank screen on several occasions and just could not put my feelings in words just yet. Life is and has been such a whirlwind I don’t even know where to begin.

I guess you could say that my life lately revolves around Hayden (okay, I guess that is not really different than usual). His last day of high school was yesterday. I would be lying if I said things have been easy for me during this new phase of life and I am not really expecting them to get easier any time soon. I am really working hard at focusing on the positive and enjoying watching Hayden have so much fun. So let’s see, this weekend was prom and I have to say that Hayden and his date were so cute. I just could not believe that time has flown by so fast. It seemed like just yesterday he was getting dressed for his first prom. Sunday morning was Senior Sunday at church and once again I was so very proud of my baby. It is so hard to believe that the time has come that he really has “future” plans, which according to him are to attend Louisiana Tech University and major in political science with a pre-law concentration. He talks a lot about politics and that being where he wants to end up. I can’t imagine a better politician. Yesterday at his award ceremony I had to stop myself a couple of times because there are several kids that all started preschool together and have been friends ever since and I could just see them at their preschool graduation. I have a picture of them all hanging in a tree after that preschool graduation (maybe I should have them take a picture now). Now it is time for them to all go their separate ways and figure out their new place in life. Man I am going to miss my baby. The next couple of weeks are busy ones for Hayden and then he will graduate on May 16 at 7:00 at Minden High School.

So to end this journal I decided to end with a special note to my precious son (I know he reads this because he has fussed about something I have said before):

Hayden-Where do I even begin to start to tell you how very special you are to me? I remember dropping you off at school on your first day of kindergarten and then crying all the way to work. No, some things just don’t change. At that time I couldn’t even think far enough in advance to think of your high school graduation. To think that time is now here is pretty unbelievable. I also could have never imagined the path that this journey would take you (all of us) on. I want you to know that if I could have changed things for you I would have. I would have taken all of the pain and hurt away. I cannot even begin to put into words how very proud I am of the man that you have become. I watch in amazement at your wisdom, courage and strength. You have taken numerous “potholes” in your path and turned them into things that make you a stronger person. I watch you and how you have handled one crisis after another and wish for your strength. I know that God has great plans for you and your life. My wish for you is that you will follow your dreams and reach for the stars. I know that you will be great at whatever your chosen career path. I need you to know that you will always be my baby and I will always love you unconditionally. I know you won’t be far down the road but I promise to give you your space. You know where I am when you need me. I also need for you to know that I am going to be okay. I can’t promise you that I won’t be sad and I can’t promise you that I won’t miss you but I can promise you that I will get through this and I can promise you that I will find something positive to occupy my time. Congratulations my baby, I love you with all my heart. Mom

I need to get back to work but I will not wait so long between updates this time. Thanks to all of you who continue to check on us.

Mom to a high school graduate
Tina

Friday, April 18, 2008 2:17 PM CDT

Man, I cannot believe it has been a week since my last update. Some weeks I just don’t know where the time goes. Things around our house continue to be pretty hectic. Hayden reminded me yesterday that the next couple of months were all about him. Sad thing is, I thought every month was about him. He is finishing up filling out his final scholarship applications, getting ready to start addressing graduation invitations. His senior pictures turned out so good, I will have to try and post some on here.

As for me and what I have been doing, is there really any doubt? I have been taking care of stuff for Hayden. I did take a break Wed. evening and went to High School Musical on ice with Dana, Hollan, Amber, Haynes and Maddox. It was not my favorite Disney on Ice but it was cute. I really enjoyed watching the kids sing and dance. That Maddox really got with it on the baseball song. You could tell it had been a while since I had been to one of these things because I could not believe the price of stuff (junk). Ten dollars for a box of popcorn!!!!!! I have to say that is pretty ridiculous.

I heard a song on the way to work earlier this week. This song came out not long after Stanton earned his angel wings and really hit home. I loved it then but after hearing it this week I love it even more. I think the meaning is a little more clear now. The song is called “Held” by Natalie Grant.

Two months is too little
They let him go
They had no sudden healing
To think that providence
Would take a child from his mother
While she prays, is appalling
Who told us we'd be rescued
What has changed and
Why should we be saved from nightmares
Were asking why this happens to us
Who have died to live, it's unfair
This is what it means to be held
How it feels, when the sacred is torn from your life
And you survive
This is what it is to be loved and to know
That the promise was that when everything fell
We'd be held
This hand is bitterness
We want to taste it and
Let the hatred numb our sorrows
The wise hand opens slowly
To lilies of the valley and tomorrow
This is what it means to be held
How it feels, when the sacred is torn from your life
And you survive
This is what it is to be loved and to know
That the promise was that when everything fell
We'd be held
If hope if born of suffering
If this is only the beginning
Can we not wait, for one hour
Watching for our Savior
This is what it means to be held
How it feels, when the sacred is torn from your life
And you survive
This is what it is to be loved and to know
That the promise was that when everything fell
We'd be held

I guess the biggest thing that caught my attention this time was the phrase “How it feels, when the sacred is torn from your life and you survive.” You see while the song meant so much to me then, I knew nothing about survival. If you had told me 10 years ago that I would outlive a child of mine I would have argued with you. Not that something couldn’t have happened to me, but that I would not be able to go on after such a loss. If you are facing a loss of any magnitude, just know that you can go on. Not on your own but because God will carry you even if you don’t ask him to. I know there have been days when my conversations with God were not ideal, but I also know that He reached down and picked me up anyway. To this day when I feel like I can’t stand on my own I know that He will hold me up. By His grace I will continue to survive.

Okay, I kind of feel like I am beginning to ramble so I will stop now. I hope you all have a great weekend!

Held
Tina

Friday, April 11, 2008 11:04 AM CDT

Where to even begin? Life has been full of stuff (for lack of a better word). Some days it just seems as if it is not one thing it is three others. I feel like I am treading water just to stay afloat. I really hate feeling like this.

Hayden is counting down the weeks/days until graduation. He got his invitations and cap and gown in this week. Talk about hard to walk into. He and Jeff weren’t home when I got home but on the table were his graduation invitations. Needless to say I was kind of glad to be by myself. He is already so independent that it breaks my heart but to know that his “official” independence is approaching is getting harder to swallow. It seems like just yesterday I was crying all the way to work after leaving him at kindergarten. I know that I will be okay through all of these changes I just feel like I have to let you know where I am right this moment.

The dreaded “C” word has struck our family once again. My grandmother was diagnosed with breast cancer earlier this week. She will be having surgery next week and hopefully a game plan. Our prayer is that the surgery will be enough to get all of the cancer and no more treatment will be needed. I don’t know about you all but I am really tired of this disease called cancer.

I watched a show on TV this week on a man with pancreatic cancer. He did a lecture called “The Last Lecture” at his college and it has been broadcast worldwide. Diane Sawyer interviewed he and his wife on this show and to tell you I was moved would be an understatement. He talked about his life and how they were coping with this battle. The things he said reminded me so much of Stanton’s life and how he never let his disease stand in his way of happiness. What a lesson for all of us. Something his wife said really touched a place in my heart and reminded me of a place that I was often during Stanton’s illness and a place that I still go to this day. The quote was “I have everything that I need”. I know that God gives me all the tools needed to survive each and every hurdle that is thrown in my path. No, He may not always give me more than I need which is what I pray for sometimes but He gives my just what I need.

Down from my soapbox, we have a big weekend planned. We have a senior party for Whittney tomorrow night which will be lots of fun (although one more reminder that they are growing up).

Blessed with Everything I “need”
Tina

Sunday, April 6, 2008 11:07 AM CDT

I know this is an unusual day and time for an update but I think I really just need you guys to get me out of this funk that I am in. It has been in the works for a couple of weeks and I really thought I could fight my way out of it but so far I have not been so successful. Sometimes, some days the reality of the life that I live really hits me in the face. How in the world is it that Stanton is not going to come around that corner and say “me just kidding”? I sometimes get frustrated when I have to borrow other peoples children, especially when they tell me no.

Hayden is AWESOME but he is living his life exactly as he should. I am so glad to see him living life to its fullest and enjoying every minute of it. It is just hard to see him need me less and less. Hayden you are the greatest and I will forever be so very proud of you.

Another child from our area lost his earthly battle with leukemia yesterday. Ethan Powell had spent almost his entire life at St. Jude. He fought so hard when so many of us would have said enough. He is another example of the amazing children that fight this disease day in and day out.

Please stop this week and say a special prayer that I can regroup and get on with life in a better place than I am in right now. I know I can count on you when things get rough.

So very broken
Tina

Thursday, March 27, 2008 5:24 PM CDT

Oh my goodness, it seems like forever since I have updated you all on the goings on in my world. Let’s just say life has been busy and work has been busy so I haven’t taken much of a breather.

I guess I will go back to last Friday. I left work a little early to run by and check on my papaw at the VA home. Easter was one of his favorite holidays and this year was the first time that he would not be with us all hunting Easter eggs. To be honest with you, after I saw him I don’t know how many more times I will emotionally be able to go by there. When he first moved into the VA home he would laugh and pick on you. He may not know your name but you could tell by the light in his eyes that he did know you. Now there is just a distant stare. I helped him to eat a little and then I showed him the plastic eggs I had brought. This would be the only thing that would bring some light into his eyes when I asked him what you did with those? He said “you hide them”. I guess God knew I needed to see even the smallest of reaction. I managed to make it to the car before I had my meltdown. I had errands to run but knew I needed some down time so I headed across the street to the river and sat on the edge of the river and threw rocks in the water. This was Stanton’s favorite past time so I borrowed it for some stress relief.

Saturday would roll around and it was the day of the BIG Easter egg hunt at Mom’s. Again, this would prove to be a difficult day with several people missing. Of course, Stanton and my grandmother who watched us from heaven but my grandfather didn’t get to come because he is not really mobile enough and then Hayden. He had to work (yes, he reminded me that it was my idea that he get a job). So just getting the day started was hard but it did get easier. First of all Hayden surprised me and was able to come during his lunch break which was really neat. Several of my favorite children were there and I got lots of love from them plus I made another new friend who seems to like Aunt Tina. Emma you are my newest favorite friend. I think they hid around 367 eggs. My guess would be that they did not find them all and I am sure my daddy will let us know when he runs over them with the lawn mower.

Sunday, I can’t deny that this is one of my favorite days of the year. It is a day that all of my life has been special but since the death of Stanton has had a little more meaning to me or maybe a little more understanding. Not really quite sure how to put it into words. I know what it feels like to lose a child but God knows what it feels like to offer up that child as a sacrifice. He knew the pain it would cause His son and He knew the pain it would cause Him but He let it happen anyway and He did it for us. Really hard for me to put my arms around. We are so blessed that not only was God strong enough but that He was willing enough. I know there are so many times when I sit and think, am I really worth it? Thank you God for believing I am.

The new week has started off just as crazy as it ended and I have been a little overwhelmed. Like I said in my last journal entry Stanton has been right in the front of my mind. I just can’t seem to push the thoughts to the side just yet. I am sure he will get his point across and I will move on but until then if you see me around with a tear in my eye or maybe with a smile for no apparent reason just know I am thinking of one amazing little boy.

Missing Stanton like CRAZY
Tina

Thursday, March 20, 2008 1:46 PM CDT

Stanton_I just can't get you off of my mind today. I love and miss you sooooooooooooooo much. I think you should let Mamaw Anderson plan the best of all Easter Egg hunts this weekend in heaven. You know they were her favorite and she always planned the best. Wishing I could hug you if even only one more time.

Loving you as always, never forgetting your special self
Mom

Tuesday, March 18, 2008 11:57 AM CDT

Good morning all! It has been a busy couple of weeks and I thank you all for supporting all of my endeavours. I haven’t heard a total from the radiothon but I do know the bill that I requested help with passed in the Senate.

With all that has been going on Stanton has not been far from my mind. Which some days is a good thing and others the pain is really overwhelming. There are things that happen that I know are signs from him letting me know that he is okay and that because of that I will be okay too.

I did manage to speak on the radiothon for the Ronald McDonald House last Thursday. I don’t know of anyone who heard me so not really sure how I did. I managed to keep my composure a little while on the air but afterward I had to shut my door and have some meltdown time. Out times at the RMH were fabulous and we made so many friends but the reality of the children lost is also on the forefront of my mind when reliving the memories. The sad truth is that I would move back there today if it meant Stanton would be with me.

Friday was an ordinary day, at least until that evening. We had some pretty rough storms come at out house Friday evening. It started out with the prettiest across the sky lightening I have ever seen. But before we knew it things had gotten out of hand. We had very little rain, a little wind but a whole lot of baseball size hail. I had never seen hail so big in all my life. There were tornado warnings and when the water in the pool started coming out we ran for the closet. It was scary sitting there listening to the hail hit the roof. We did have some damage on Hayden’s truck, Jeff’s work truck and the house but we were all okay which was the biggest deal. After it all ended the sky was beautiful again, full of stars and clear clear.

Saturday I decided that it was time for some Aunt Tina time which Mary Claire and Elynn Kate were happy to help with. We went to McDonalds, to the park, to Wal-Mart, and back to my house. They wanted their nails done but the nail place was PACKED so I talked them into buying nail polish and I did their nails. Yes, it was a fun day. We even rolled down the windows opened the sunroof and jammed to Hanna Montana. I just hope these are memories that they will never forget.

This week has started off as a busy one at work which is pretty good for me. I really need to stay busy. I guess I need to get back to that busy work so I’ll talk to you guys later!

Missing Stanton
Tina

Carol-the phone call rocked!!!!!!!!!! Love you

Thursday, March 13, 2008 10:04 AM CDT

2 days in a row I know you probably have figured out that I want something. I had to stop by and tell you about a very special fundraiser that started today and runs through tomorrow. It is the Ronald McDonald House radiothon. For those of you who have followed our journey you all know that this is a charity that I hold very near and dear to my heart. We called the “Donald House” home for almost 2 years and some of my most precious memories were made there. I made friends in other families as well as the staff there that will be friends for life. I could go on and on about how special this house is but I am afraid you want read all the way to the number to call. You can go to the website www.rmhmemphis.org or call 1-800-230-KIDS to donate. I will be on the air at 11:45 and I think you can listen to it on line at www.rock103.com . Thank you as always for your love and support of our family as well as so many of our favorite charities.

Missing Stanton a Lot today
Tina

Wednesday, March 12, 2008 10:15 AM CDT

Important Announcement: I received this email from our CureSearch Representative and would like as much help as possible. I promise it takes only a couple of minutes but could really make a BIG difference. I have made my phone calls this morning and need as many of you that can to do the same. Thanks as always for your support.

SPECTER/HARKIN AMENDMENT TO THE BUDGET RESOLUTION:
Senator Arlen Specter (R-PA), the Ranking Republican member of the Labor/HHS/Education appropriations subcommittee, and Senator Tom Harkin (D-IA), Chairman of the subcommittee, will be offering an amendment to the Senate Budget Resolution to increase funding for the National Institutes of Health by $2.1 billion in Fiscal Year 2009.
Advocates across the country have been asked to contact their two Senators today to seek their support for this amendment. You may call the Capitol Operator at 202-224-3121 to be transferred to your Senate offices. Or check www.senate.gov for contact information for your Senators.

More detailed journal entry later.

Still fighting for a cure
Tina

Thursday, March 6, 2008 1:49 PM CST

What is it about this thing called reality that stays in the back of your mind and then WHAM! It hits you in the face. I had a meeting in Ruston yesterday so Hayden went with me to meet with his political science professor and to look for a place to live. All was going smooth, the meeting was nice and I enjoyed the extra time with Hayden and I guess just really tuned that whole “reality” thing out. As for him he had a pretty good day. He liked the Poli Scie professor, talked to a couple of cell phone places about jobs and the big news is drum roll please>>>>>>>>>>>>> He got an English Bulldog puppy. You know he is going to be a Louisiana Tech Bulldog so he really needed his own bulldog. Hayden has been after us since Stanton died for an animal. Fish were not really the companion he was looking for and the guinea pig did NOT like him and bit him every chance she got. Now she liked me but I did not want a pet. The duck was fun at first but not a lot you can do with a duck, especially when your dad has dogs trained to go get ducks (yes, a long story for another day). So we have fought of the dog wanting for some time. We had a stray rat terrier that came around to eat for a few days and this really started the dog conversation all over. Not to mention his best friend just got a dog for Valentines day. Long story short I was talking to a great friend who said “I think I know someone who has some English bull dog puppies and you can probably get a good deal” Okay I had to give fate a little credit because this would be the type of dog Hayden has been wanting and we were headed in the direction of where Chad’s friend lived. Jeff and I decided that Hayden was old enough and responsible enough that we would let him get a dog. So last night we went to pick out his dog, She had 3 left and they were all very different looks wise and personality wise. Needless to say it took Hayden a while but he decided on a little white male who was titled “the mischievious one”. He is so adorable and already loved by all of us although I have to say Hayden is his favorite. So, now you know we have a new addition to the family, Bently an 8 week old English bulldog. I will try to put a picture of he and Hayden on here soon.

Back to the whole reality thing. I guess we were so busy getting Bently and all that I didn’t stop to think through the days events until on the way to work this morning. The song “You’re gonna miss this” came on the radio and I lost it. What was I thinking yesterday, my baby is leaving home. He is going to have a place of his own. He was asking such grown-up questions. Where in the world do I fit into this picture? So you could say it has been a hard day although I have been very focused on work.

Just thought I would stop in and report a little of what is going on in our life. Not many people signed the guestbook lately so if you get a minute let me know that you are still there and that there are more than just my family still checking on me.

Mom in state of confusion
Tina

Monday, February 25, 2008 12:03 AM CST

Good afternoon everyone. Once again, I have not forgotten about you all just doesn’t seem that there is anything interesting that you all would want to hear and I sure don’t want to bore you. Life at our house continues to be busy, being busy really seems to help with the emotional rollercoaster.

We were talking about Stanton at Sug’s yesterday and a story came up that I am not sure if I have shared before. Many of you know that Stanton loved horses and he always wanted a “panamino” horse. O.H. looked and looked for one only to be surprised one afternoon when a horse trailor pulled into his driveway with, you guessed it, a palamino horse. A very generous friend had heard of Stanton’s wish and made his wish come true. Well, this horse who Stanton would name Sandy (after his nurse practitioner), was kind of broken but not quite but Stanton was determined he was going to ride him. So Jeff being the good dad that he is was going to ride Sandy and get him tired and then lead Stanton around on him. Stanton was in the back of Jeff’s truck waiting patiently. Sandy was not so impressed with the fact that Jeff was riding him so he took care of that issue-bucking Jeff into the air and onto his behind. Yes, I am glad I was not there because I am not sure if I could have kept a straight face (in fact I am not sure O.H. did). Stanton being the cowboy that he was didn’t think anything of it. All he could say is “it’s me turn now, it’s me turn now”. Yes he was able to ride Sandy and Sandy was very good with him although had I know the prior events I would have been very nervous.

I have to tell you about a new song by Randy Owen, who is a HUGE St. Jude supporter. All of the proceeds from this song will go to the hospital. For any of you who have had children with cancer, you will understand completely (even if they were boys).

Braid My Hair lyrics
Randy Owen lyrics

She could be the first female president
Or be the doctor who’s experiment
Finds the cure to what she’s in here for
But right now treatments keep her sick in bed
That baseball cap never leaves her head
And while she sleeps I sit and dream
One day I asked her what do you wanna do when you grow up
I soon found out I wasn’t dreaming big enough

She said, I’m gonna ride my bike, I’m gonna climb a tree
Gonna fly a kite, score running little league
I’m gonna go to school, make a friend, be able to run again
Take off my mask and just breathe in the air
But most of all I’m gonna braid my hair

She could question God, Lord, knows I would
She could just give up, I don’t think I could be that strong or fight so long
How can such a little girl have such big faith
And even through the pain she still prays, saying, God will make a way

For me to ride my bike, for me to climb a tree
I’m gonna fly a kite, and score running little league
I’m gonna go to school, make a friend, be able to run again
And take off my mask and just breathe in the air
But most of all I’m gonna braid my hair that’s down to my waist
Then I’ll get it cut so they can make
Locks of love for some little girl who’s just like me
Wonders if she’ll ever be

Able to ride her bike, able to climb a tree
Able to fly her kite, and score running little league
Able to go to school, make new friends, be able to run again
Take off her mask and just breathe in the air
And most of all she can braid her hair
She can braid her hair

This song touches on the amazing faith and strength that these children have. Stanton often talked about all the things he was going to do when he didn’t have “magic lines” anymore. He never seemed to feel sorry for himself that he couldn’t do those things then. I truly believe God blesses these kids enormously and gives them the peace that they need.

I have to say a special congratulations to Whitney, who won the swimsuit competition at Miss Minden this weekend. Whitney, you looked beautiful as always and we are so very proud of you.

Missing Stanton more each day
Tina

Monday, February 18, 2008 2:42 PM CST

I came by to let you all know that we survived last week. For me it was a VERY emotional week and one that on one hand I am glad is over and on the other very sad that it is over. I know I just can’t be pleased.

Wed., Stanton’s angelversary was much harder than Thurs., his birthday. That or I was just dehydrated and couldn’t cry by the time Thursday rolled around. My fear of people forgetting Stanton has been proven untrue for one more year. The cards, phone calls and emails were such a comfort on these days and for me made things a tad bit easier.

There are a couple so special thank you’s I must say though. First to Kelsey-the roses were gorgeous and so perfect. You always were Stanton’s girlfriend and always will be. For those of you who don’t know this story, Kelsey is one of Hayden ‘s friends and he has a picture of she and him. Stanton was always so adamant that Kelsey was his girlfriend, not Hayden’s. She always made a point to come by when we were home for the weekends and oh how she made Stanton feel special.

The next thank you is to Carrie D.-yours words of encouragement always come at exactly the right time. We are blessed and so very grateful that Sarah sat us all at the same table that night almost 4 years ago. Although you saw Stanton’s jealous side you loved him anyway.

A BIG congratulation is in order for one very special lady to me and so many others. Sug, Jeff’s grandmother (which is hard for me to say because I feel like she is my own), won “Woman of the Year” in Minden Thursday night. When they told us that she had won the first thing I said is “it couldn’t go to a more deserving woman”. Sug has been a very important part of my life for more than 18 years now and I am so lucky to be able to call her family. Sug-congratulations on this award although you have been “woman of the year” to Jeff, Hayden and I always. Your love for God and your family is contagious and you can’t help but walk away from your house feeling blessed. I know that if ever I need an ear to listen, a shoulder to cry on or just a great big hug you are there. Thank you for setting such an example to all of us who can only hope to be like you some day. I love you!

Work is pretty busy today so I must get back. Again I had to say thank you as always for your never ending love and support.

Mom to Heaven’s brightest star
Tina

Tuesday, February 12, 2008 10:40 AM CST

So I thought I would update today since I may not feel like it the next couple of days. This week is probably the hardest week of the year. Remembering Stanton’s angelversary and Celebrating his birthday back to back can really wear you down. For those of you who read this who are walking this same path there is one thing I want to clarify. I was told by many that “it” would get better with time. I am not sure what I took that to mean but after three years the pain is still very very real. So I guess what I am trying to say is that “gets better” does not mean “goes away”. I don’t think about Stanton every minute of the day but I do think about him daily. Some days the thoughts are happy and I can laugh and others the tears flow freely. Actually that is not exactly true because I try to hide the tears from everyone. I thought about something to share with you and came up with the perfect story. I can’t remember if I have told it before so if so bear with me. Stanton only had one birthday before he became sick so the rest of the his birthdays were very special. Before his 3rd birthday he loved to look at the magazines that come in with all of the birthday party stuff. As he was looking through one of the magazines he said “I’m having a “noman” party”. I thought ok, a little strange in the middle of February but if that is what he wants. We were in between treatments in Memphis so we got to have a real birthday party. We had to have the party the weekend before his birthday but we threw a HUGE “noman” party. Instead of bringing gifts to Stanton the kids brought toys to be donated to St. Jude. I was really afraid that a 3 year old would not understand the concept of this but surprisingly enough he loved it. He showed everyone the box and told them he was taking them to “the Jude”. The party was a big success and one that will be remembered forever. The biggest thing about all of this is not only did Stanton want a “noman” party he told us that it was going to snow on his birthday. So, if you live in Louisiana you know that snow is very rare. We get the occasional ice but not snow. Also understand that we had spent months giving Stanton pretty much everything he wanted. What were we supposed to do, we could do a lot of things but change the weather was not one of them. His birthday rolled around on a Saturday and Stanton ended up with a fever which landed us in the hospital at LSU but you are never going to believe what happened. As we were driving to Shreveport it started snowing. Does anyone doubt that Stanton and God had a pretty special relationship? As soon as the flakes started falling everyone but Stanton was in shock. All he would say is “me told you it was going to snow”. Our phone rang off the hook with people calling to make sure we saw the snow. Unfortunately Stanton did not get to go out and enjoy it but he did watch from his hospital window. We never doubted anything else Stanton ever told us.

This is one story that does bring me some peace because it reminds me that God had Stanton in His hands all along and Stanton knew it. Death was really not something that I think he was afraid of. I think God had prepared him in a way that would make it easy on all of us. I also love the faith that you see in a child. Stanton asked God for something and by faith he expected God to handle it. Now I know you may wonder about that statement as it would appear that what I asked God for is not what I got but if you read my last entry you will understand that God did answer my prayers. I just wish I could have child like faith knowing without a doubt that God hears and answers my prayers.

The next two days will be heartbreaking. There will be many tears shed and many questions asked. I ask you all to say a special prayer at 2:00 tomorrow for all of the children still in the fight as well as for all of the parents of these special angels. On Thursday we will be releasing balloons at the angel garden to celebrate his birthday.

Thank you as always for continuing to pray for us, support us and love us!!!

Still so Broken
Tina

Did anyone watch NASCAR this weekend????? Michael is starting the Daytona 500 from spot #2!!!!!!!!!!! Way to go Michael

Thursday, February 7, 2008 12:38 AM CST

I know don’t’ everybody scream at once. It has been a while since you have had 2 updates in 2 days but I read something on another website yesterday and I had to share. If you are going through a difficult time this is a must read.

February 6, 2008
Fixin' My Want To
Wendy Pope
"Father, if you are willing, take this cup from me; yet not my will, but yours be done."
Luke 22:42 (NIV)
Devotion:
Have you ever been at place in your adventures with the Lord where you wanted to do His will so badly that your heart ached but somewhere in the depths of your soul you struggled to say, "Yes Lord, I will submit to your plan no matter what?"
I love the Lord so much, however, sometimes my response to His call of submission is not one that I am proud of. I question His leadership and argue with His ways. Out of one side of my mouth I confess that He is Lord while the other side lets angry remarks of disapproval of His direction slip out. I want to want to embrace His plan but it is hard when His plan doesn't make sense and causes pain.
My husband has been facing a health issue for over 18 months. It is been a trying time for all us. We have gone from one doctor to the next, with hope that "this doctor" will be the one who will have the answer. My faith and hope have been kept alive as long as we had a new doctor to see. (Allowing my faith and hope to rest in the hands of human physicians; now that is a problem in itself.) I have been led down so many dead ends that I have found myself in a crisis of belief.
As I faced this crisis of belief I knew that I was not alone. God was with me but my ears needed to hear Him. I didn't want to submit to the possibility of a lifetime of suffering for my husband, and I was angry about the prospect. Basically, I needed Him to confirm to me that it was alright that I didn't understand or like this situation that He was allowing to happen.
Recently as I was reading my Bible, I studied the various accounts of Jesus' crucifixion. As I reread the Gethsemane scene in each gospel I came face-to-face with the humanity of our Savior. He knew the Father's plan for his life. Yet in the last hours, He asked His Father to change the plan. I could completely identify with wanting to submit to the will of God but desperately seeking a change of direction.
I could hear Jesus saying, "I want to do your will. I will do Your will. But please, is there another way?" It is as if I had come to my own Gethsemane praying for my husband and asking, "if you could find another way, please do."
I want my "want to" to be fixed. I want my faith to be as real in a crisis as it is when I am celebrating His greatness. I want to, want to. It seems for the first time in a long time maybe even the first time ever, I fear saying "thy will be done" because if this is His will, our lives will be changed forever.
God has been faithful to lead me through my crisis of belief and continues to supply what we need each day. I still don't understand the suffering my husband is going through but my "want to" continues to be nurtured by His loving hands.
Do you need a breakthrough? Do you find yourself at a crossroads in the midst of a crisis of belief? Let me encourage you to seek Jesus. He promises you are not alone. He understands what you are feeling at this very moment and wants to help with your "want to" as well.
Dear Lord, help me overcome my unbelief. I know You are with me. I know your plan is perfect but sometimes -- like right now -- I struggle against it. Please show me how You are working in the midst of this. In Jesus' Name, Amen.

I am going to share something with you that I have shared with no one before now. I hope you all understand. The first round of treatment that Stanton had I prayed so hard for his healing. I took the time to thank God for his blessings but numerous times a day I prayed for healing. Stanton got better and I continued to thank God for his blessings as well as asking him for Stanton’s continued health. When Stanton relapsed everything in me changed. From the day they confirmed the relapsed they told us that there was not a cure and we would basically be guessing at what treatment was best. As you can imagine, my life changed. I went from believing Stanton would outlive me to realizing that the chances of that were slim. Don’t get me wrong, I never gave up believing that he could be the one that they found the cure with. Not only did I change but my prayers changed. For the first time ever I felt like I was praying exactly how God would have wanted me to. Not just because this is how He wanted me to pray but because I felt deep in my heart that it was the only way that I could survive. I prayed daily for God’s will to be done in Stanton as well as in me. I prayed that as His will was done for the strength to accept this will and the strength to go on daily. As I was praying this I knew in my heart that there was a chance that my will and God’s will were not the same. This was the hardest thing that I have ever done and the hardest prayers that I ever prayed. When all was said and done and I know that our will were different I continued to pray for the strength needed to face each day. Then the numbness wore off and I have struggled with this for a long time. Had I not said “God may your will be done” would Stanton still be here. Before everyone starts answering me, I know that this is a very irrational thought and that God’s will would have been done regardless of my prayers. But as a parent that has lost a child, one that’s life possibly depended on your decisions, you can only imagine the thoughts that run through my mind. In the end, I know without a shadow of a doubt that Jeff and I made decisions based on God’s guidance and Stanton’s best interest, but that there are times when I feel the need to blame someone and that someone is usually me.

So I encourage you that in life’s most difficult moments don’t leave God out of the decision making process. It gets confusing and I know that it is hard to understand but His ways are really the best.

Seeking God’s Will
Tina

Wednesday, February 6, 2008 1:38 PM CST

I know it has been a while since my last update but to say life has been busy would be an understatement. We had the St. Jude Auction in Minden this weekend and it was another HUGE success. Our small town raised 788,000 plus dollars for the hospital. This adds up to around 58 per person. It is a pretty amazing thing to watch each year. Everyone from young to old come together and support this wonderful cause. Jeff, Hayden and I spent as may hours as possible working at the auction this weekend. People sometimes question why we continue to work so hard and the answer is easy. I don’t want another parent to have to endure the heartache that we have. They played a video during one of the hours and not including Stanton there were 7 other angels. This is not acceptable. I will not say that it is easy or even that I didn’t have my meltdown moments but it is something that I believe in.

I want to say a few thank you’s but I will begin with an apology because I know that I will forget someone:

Mom-you worked so hard even before the auction. I am so glad that in your retirement you continue to help us find a cure. You worked many hours this weekend and were there for me as well. I know that it is as hard on you as me but you keep on. I could never possibly thank you enough for all you have done and continue to do for me and my family.

The rest of my family-Thank you for taking the time on your Sunday afternoon to come answer the phones for “Stanton” hours. You to have always been there for all of us.

Gary/Sarah-you will never cease to amaze me. You have supported this auction not only monetarily but in your time as well. I know that I had a good time visiting/picking on you. For those of you who know Gary you may be surprised to know that I could always count on him for a smile.

Amber-what can I say. You give up an entire weekend with your family to help. You were there as much as we were without one complaint. Another big thanks to Wesley, Haynes and Maddox for letting this happen.

Melissa and Christi-you guys are AWESOME!!!!! I know it was a long weekend but your efforts paid off. As much as I do know about what goes on all weekend I realize that it is just a drop in the bucket for what goes on before then. Just remember that you are making a difference and that there are people that will never know you but will be thankful for what you do.

Laura-ditto my sentiments from above. I know you weren’t listed as a “chair” but I also know where your heart is and that it was as much in this weekend as ever.

Kelly and Linda-thank you for being there for me when I fell apart. You knew that I needed the space but also that I needed to know that you were there. You will never know how much it means.

Debbie and Lindsey-When they drew your name out of the hopper people asked if I was crying because I was upset. Of course I was not upset, my first reaction was “that is as good as family”. You guys will always be a part of our family. Thank you so much for sending the portrait home with us. We love you both.

Chris, Lori, Ann, Phil, Mary, Greg, Leah, Stan, Jenny, Kelly, Denise, Julie, Carly, Mike, Sabrina, Misty, Beverly, Kenneth, Karen, Mike, Whittney, Catherine, and the list goes on and on-I could not possibly list all of the volunteers that make this weekend happen. What you all do is amazing!!! But what you do for St. Jude is just a small portion of your overall gift. You guys have been there for Jeff, Hayden and I for years and you don’t give up. When we need you, you are there. I can’t tell you how many times I needed a laugh when someone came through (yes, usually Carly).

The city of Minden-A place that I am so vary proud to call home. I can’t even begin to imagine living anywhere else. The people are so giving and it shows year after year. Everyone knows that although they may not bring home a prize they are winners in the hearts of so many families.

I could type for days and days but I will stop. Please stop and say a prayer for Jeff and I as we are both a little under the weather as are so many people in our family right now.

In Him
Tina

Monday, January 28, 2008 10:00 AM CST

Wow, it is Monday already. Why is it that the weeks go so slow and the weekends so fast? I hope you all had a great weekend. I have to say mine was a little difficult. It kind of felt like reality just reached out and slapped me in the face. I told you all about Hayden looking for a job and he finally found one at the AT&T store in Minden. He started Tuesday and really seems to be enjoying it. It was a little hard for me to get used to during the week because we were getting home about the same time and I couldn’t just pick up the phone and talk to him whenever I wanted. I know I know I was the one that wanted him to get a job. I also realize that this may be a wake up call for me. In no time he will be moving off to college and my life will be different. I know he will come home but I also know that it will be different. All I could think of this weekend is that this is not how it was supposed to be. I was supposed to have one child going off to college and one just beginning his educational journey. How could things have gone so wrong. I heard a song on the radio that really hit home after the weekend that I had. Time really does go by to fast. I know that I remind you all often to slow down and enjoy your children but I only so it because it is something that I believe in so much.

Your Gonna Miss This by Trace Adkins

She was starin' out the window of that SUV
Complainin' sayin' I can't wait to turn 18
She said I'll make my own money and I'll make my own roots
Mama put the car in park out there in front of the school
and she kissed her head and said I was just like you

You're gonna miss this
You're gonna want this back
You're gonna wish these days hadn't gone by so fast
These are some good times
So take a good look around
You may not know it now
But you're gonna miss this

Before she knows it she's a brand new bride
In her one bedroom apartment and her daddy stops by
He tells her it's a nice place, she says it'll do for now
Starts talkin' about babies and buyin' a house
Daddy shakes his face and says Baby just slow down
[You're Gonna Miss This lyrics on http://www.metrolyrics.com]

Cuz you're gonna miss this
You're gonna want this back
You're gonna wish these days hadn't gone by so fast
These are some good times so take a good look around
You may not know it now but you're gonna miss this

Five years later there's a plummer workin' on the water heater,
Dogs barkin' phones ringin' one kid's cryin' one kid's screamin',
And she keeps apologizing, he says they don't bother me I got 2 babies of my own one's 36 one's 23 it's hard to believe

But you're gonna miss this
You're gonna want this back
You're gonna wish these days hadn't gone by so fast
These are some good times so take a good look around
You may not know it now
But you're gonna miss this
You're gonna miss this
Yeah, you're gonna miss this

I know for me I am going to miss this, I already do. Thanks as always for your never ending love and support.

Missing this already
Tina

Wednesday, January 23, 2008 3:14 PM CST

Good afternoon. Things are so busy here but I wanted to take a minute to stop by and check in. It is so hard to believe that it is almost February, where is the time going? We are gearing up for the big St. Jude Auction and I am getting so excited. It is always a fun filled weekend filled with emotion.

Someone left the following poem in the guestbook and I had to put it up here for all to see. Oh how appropriate the words are.

A Pair of Shoes

I am wearing a pair of shoes.
They are ugly shoes.
Uncomfortable shoes.
I hate my shoes.
Each day I wear them, and each day I wish I had another pair.
Some days my shoes hurt so bad that I do not think I can take another step.
Yet, I continue to wear them.
I get funny looks wearing these shoes.
They are looks of sympathy.
I can tell in others eyes that they are glad they are my shoes and not theirs.
They never talk about my shoes.
To learn how awful my shoes are might make them uncomfortable.
To truly understand these shoes you must walk in them.
But, once you put them on, you can never take them off.
I now realize that I am not the only one who wears these shoes.
There are many pairs in this world.
Some people are like me and ache daily as they try and walk in them.
Some have learned how to walk in them so they don't hurt quite as much.
Some have worn the shoes so long that days will go by before they think about how much they hurt.
No one deserves to wear these shoes.
Yet, because of these shoes I am a stronger person.
These shoes have given me the strength to face anything.
They have made me who I am.
I will forever walk in the shoes of a person who has lost a child.

Walking in my painful ugly shoes
Tina

Happy belated birthday to 2 very special people in my life, Sug and Hollan!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I love you both.

Wednesday, January 16, 2008 11:26 AM CST

Oh my goodness, where does the time go? I didn’t realize it had been so long since my last update but I can believe it. Last week was WILD all the way around, a guess a good wild though, keeping me busy.

Not much exciting has been going on around our house. I guess the biggest event is Hayden starting back to school and the fact that he is taking 3 college classes along with 1 high school class. Yes he will be busy but not to busy for a part time job which he has been looking for with no success. If you are from around Minden and know of someone looking for a very responsible worker please let me know. He really wants to work to have a little independence from mom and dad.

We spent part of Saturday fixing up the angel garden and taking down the Christmas stuff. My sister, Jamie, is so creative and has always been very involved in keeping the flowers up at the angel garden. You know there is no such thing as “too good” for her Stancie and I know the things the does would make him so proud.

We had some visitors last night which were a great surprise. It is not often that we get to stop and spend some time in adult conversation with someone other than each other. What is amazing is that this simple act ended up meaning so much to me and really helped me with some things that I was having trouble getting into perspective. These issues are things that when I tell you are going to seem so irrational to you but they are all to real for me. One thing I struggle with is guilt of wondering if we made the right decisions regarding Stanton, namely his last few weeks. I am really hard on myself with the “what ifs”. I know deep in my heart that we did exactly what Stanton wanted. Last night conversation came up about this and for the first time in a long time there was some peace when talking about this. Remembering how Stanton had expressed his wishes to us for once really felt peaceful. I was able to talk about it with no tears and it be for “real” not a face I was putting on. For something that really could have been so traumatic (his death) it truly was so peaceful and done exactly to Stanton’s wishes. I realize now that I did not go wrong.

They also asked how long I would continue this online journal and to that I really had no clear answer. There are days when I feel like life is so ordinary that there is nothing that anyone will want to hear and then there are days when I can’t wait to get on here and share something with all of you prayer warriors/friends. So I guess the answer will be as long as someone is still reading and someone is still letting me know they are there. You all have been absolutely amazing.

Paul and Cheryl, thank you so much for coming by last night. Jeff and I really enjoyed getting to share some of Stanton’s things with you and truly enjoyed the adult conversation. Sometimes it is nice to know that we are not forgotten even when it may appear that is what we want. Thank you for not giving up on us. We are blessed to be a part of such an amazing Sunday School class.

Some of you may already be aware that it is approaching Minden St. Jude Auction time. We have had several planning meetings and it looks like it is going to be a great weekend as usual. The dates are Jan. 31-Feb. 3. They will have the website up and going and I even think you are going to be able to listen to it on the web. Cool Stuff!!! They are already selling tickets for the grand prize which is your choice of a Yukon Denali or a Mercedes. I will have to get the number for you to call. If you would like to donate items for the auction please just let me know so that we can get it ready. I know this is going to be another great year.

Well, I need to be getting to work. Thank you as always. You all are the best!!!!!

Letting go (a little)
Tina

Monday, January 7, 2008 3:59 PM CST

I decided that I needed to update if nothing else but for a few thank you’s that I have neglected. First of all though, things seem to be going a little better now that the holiday season is past. I will enjoy the good times knowing there are hard times ahead with birthday and angelversary.

Throughout this journey we have been loved and supported by so many that I could not even begin to name names but you all know who you are. As time passes and I wonder who still thinks about Stanton or still checks on us, I am blessed to check the guestbook or the mail and get some positive encouragement from so many people. I first have to say a big thank you to my mom, dad, and sister and family. For Christmas they each made a donation to the Ronald McDonald House. How special to know that Stanton’s Christmas presents are helping others and that my family thought to do something so meaningful. We received a special gift in the mail from a prayer warrior that touched me deep. It was a snowman ornament that said “Believe” for Stanton’s tree. I know the effort that goes into taking the time to mail such a treasure but it meant so much that you remembered! Nurse Sarah also sent us a precious care package that included the prettiest picture frame that now contains a picture of, yes you guessed it Stanton. All of this means so much to us.

Hayden is back in school and rushing around trying to get registered for a couple of college night classes. I really wish I had been and still was an organized mom, it would make things a little easier.

There is the very special guestbook entry that I wanted to share with you all. You know I believe in God’s prefect timing and this entry was perfect. Thank you Carrie.

"Memories...
They bring smiles to our faces, tears to our eyes, and sometimes both at the same time. Losing a loved one is devastating, but we have all been left with a special gift - our memories. They are often the only things we have left after that special person is gone. Though at times they may be painful to think about, with them, our loved ones remain a part of us forever."

Helen Keller said, "What we have once enjoyed we can never lose. All that we love deeply becomes a part of us."

Remembering
Tina

Wednesday, January 2, 2008 10:49 AM CST

5 years ago, some moments it feels like forever ago and other moments it could have been yesterday. A little over 5 years ago I was stressing out over turning 30, worried about the little things in life but really thinking I had it made. My family was complete with a great husband and 2 amazing kids. Jeff and I both had good jobs, taught Sunday School, had pretty much everything we thought we needed. Life was good. Then came January 2, 2003, the day that would forever change the course of my life. It is really strange the events of that day that I can remember. I remember every single detail. It is like a bad dream. My perfect world would be rocked beyond my imagination. My baby, the one we had wanted for so long and had tried so hard for has cancer. I remember thinking so many times that “this really cannot be happening”.

Yesterday as we ate lunch at mom’s we talked about New Years Day of 2003. Again, it is a day that the memories are so real. I have a picture that reminds me of so many things that day. It is of Stanton and Mary Claire riding in her new big red truck that she had gotten for Christmas. Looking back I realize that at that moment I didn’t realize how sick Stanton really looked. Jamie made the comment about how I remembered some of the details of that day and I had no good reason except for in my mind, if I don’t keep the memories right there, right on the edge, I might forget something and I know that the memories are all that I have left of my baby boy and I cannot forget.

I know as time goes by this is supposed to get easier. For me at this moment that is not the case. I have struggled more this holiday season than the previous ones. Today’s date really hit me hard starting last night. I know in my heart that I could never forget Stanton, but as the years go by I worry more and more.

I really have so much more I could say but I just can’t go on right now. As always, thank you for your neverending love and support.

So very broken
Tina

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