History

Thursday, December 20, 2007 3:37 PM CST

This will probably be my last update before Christmas so I want to start by wishing everyone a very Merry Christmas and a wonderful New Year. Please take the time during this busy holiday week to enjoy the time with your family and friends, there are so many out there that do not have this to enjoy. I know for me, I will slow down and savor every minute of it.

Last week as Hayden and I watched Christmas movies I couldn’t help but think, “It is never going to be like this again”. He is going to go off to school and start the next journey of his life and things are going to be different. I have to say that today was the last day of the semester and he managed to get two high school as well as two college credits. He never ceases to make me proud. If you will say a special prayer for him as tomorrow he goes to the endocrinologist. He has been extremely tired lately and I hope tomorrow to get some answers as to why. I know he gets very frustrated when he doesn’t feel right.

Sunday we had an amazing message from Brother Wayne. I kind of felt like he was talking specifically to me. The title of the sermon was “Christmastime a glad time-a sad time. He spoke of depression surrounding the holidays and oh it hit so close to home. He offered a gentle reminder that God is still good and is always with us. He used an example of a moth in a cocoon. Before he got finished with his point I had already concluded my thoughts. They were a little different but not much. He talked of biologists who had tried to get a moth from a cocoon to soon by making a hole in the end. Once outside of the cocoon the moth did not survive. It was not ready for the real world. People who are grieving are much like the moth. I know there are many times I stay holed up in my cocoon. That is where I feel safe. There are people with good intentions who try to open that cocoon to early. That could be a huge mistake. The cocoon will open in its own time and the grief stricken will be okay but it has to be done by them. They have to be ready.

I cannot begin to thank you all enough for all that you have done during the journey to love us, support us, pray for us, and just be there for us when it seemed like no one else was. You all will forever hold a special place in all of our hearts. Merry Christmas and Happy New Year!

A glad time/a sad time
Tina

Friday, December 14, 2007 12:30 AM CST

Okay, I know, it has been way too long between updates. I guess I feel a little silly burdening you with the boring day to day events in our lives.

As it has been the last 3 years, this time of the year continues to be a difficult. I know people have said that it will get easier and I am just not there yet. This coming from someone who used to LOVE this time of the year starting at Thanksgiving and ending the 1st of a new year. I would hear about people that were depressed during the holidays and I could not begin to imagine it. What with the family get-togethers, the Christmas carols, the decorations, the parties, but most importantly remembering the reason for the season, how could anyone be depressed? Well, let me tell you. When the family get-togethers happen and there is someone missing, the joyful sound of the Christmas carols remind you of just how unhappy you are, there is a stocking that will forever remain empty hanging on the mantle and the Christmas story reminds you how thankful you are for baby Jesus because you know that you will see that loved one again and no time is too soon. So, yes, I now see how someone could be depressed this time of the year,

We do have our trees up. Yes for those of you who know me that is plural. If you don’t know me you have to know that Christmas trees and I have not always been a good subject. This year we have the family tree in the den (because that is where Hayden wanted it), Stanton’s tree in his room (this of course is my favorite to decorate) and an LSU tree in Hayden’s room. Once again this year Stanton’s tree looks a little Charlie Brownish but I know he would love it. Unfortunately we had to add another ornament for Hallie. For those of you who don’t remember from last year, Stanton’s tree is full of ornaments that he would have loved as well as an ornament that represents each of his friends that are in heaven with him. It really is something that helps get me moving in the decorating direction. I guess we have one more tree that I did not mention. Stanton’s tree at the angel garden, I have to say that if you live in the area you need to go by the angel garden day or night to see his tree. It is a red tinsel tree with a silver star that glistens in the sunshine and then it has solar power lights that light up very bright at night. I have to think that Stanton would love it. I also have to say thank you to Hayden, Jamie, Mary Claire, and Elynn Kate for getting this tree up.

Sometimes I still have to stop, think and remember that this really is my life. How could it be? Why am I decorating a tree at the angel garden for Stanton? Why is he not here helping me decorate? Why am I not buying him any presents? Could it really be that this is a memorial gift for my son? Yes, my mind literally goes nonstop about these things.

Although it is a very hard time of the year, we are also all very well aware of how special any time we can have together as a family is. We find ourselves spending more family time. We realize that nothing is worth more than that and that there are some things that may not get done and that is okay. Christmas has gotten to be so busy and fast that you can really forget what it is really all about.

Hayden will be finishing up his first senior semester next week. Where in the world does time go? It seems like just yesterday I was whining about him starting his senior year. I know he is ready for a break but I also know he is a little ready to get the second half of the year started.

I guess that is about all I have to talk about for now. Thank you as always for your continued love and support. A special thanks for those who continue to sign the guestbook.

In Him
Tina

Monday, December 3, 2007 11:37 AM CST

Have I told you all lately what incredible children I am blessed with. I am blessed beyond words!!!

Our trip to Memphis this weekend was emotional but great! The biggest downfall is that everyone was so busy we didn’t get a chance to visit much. It felt great just to know all of my St. Jude family was close by.

When we got to Memphis Friday we stopped by the hospital to visit and actually got to see several friends and nurses. Hayden and I were joined on our trip by several of his friends (Chelsi, Kevin (KC) and Hannah) who enjoyed getting to see the hospital for the first time. Once again I cannot stress enough that if you ever get the chance to walk inside the doors of St. Jude it will be worth your time.

Saturday morning we all got up early and headed out to the ballpark (which is where the race started). After we dropped the boys off we all headed for our first cheering station which was at mile 4. I was so proud when Hayden and KC ran by us smiling. Our next cheering station would be at mile 11. I was really just praying that they would make it to mile 11 but when they got to us they were running and smiling not looking to different from mile 4. They did a mixture of running and walking and finished the 13.2 miles in 2 ½ hours. Not to bad for training all of 2 whole days. They both said that had fun and are already talking about next year. I have to say that getting a great big hug after the run was one of my most proud moments for Hayden. He really set his mind to this and made it happen. He reminded me that he did it for me and Stanton. Oh how I love my babies!!!!!

We enjoyed supper with the Pittman’s at the Ronald McDonald house that night. This once again was the hardest part of the weekend. I never have trouble going into the hospital but the RMH gets me every time. There is this smell that just smells like home. The house was all decorated for Christmas which made it even harder. I looked at the different trees and couldn’t help but be reminded of the night we tried to take pictures of Stanton and Emma Grace for Christmas cards. They were not very cooperative. At one point I could have closed my eyes and easily gone back to Christmas 2004. Stanton should have been running out of room 25 going full speed. There are just some things that I don’t think will ever get easier.

We got back home yesterday evening and just rested getting ready for work and school today.

Well, I need to get back to work since it is month end I just couldn’t wait to tell you how proud I was of Hayden and KC this weekend.

Blessed
Tina

Thursday, November 29, 2007 10:08 AM CST

Once again, I am sorry it has been so long between updates. I can’t even say that I have been extremely busy but I haven’t. I guess I just don’t feel like talking much.

I stopped by today to ask for special traveling prayers for Hayden and I and a few of his friends. We are going to Memphis for the St. Jude Marathon. I will be on the sidelines cheering with the rest of the crew but Hayden is going to run the half marathon. Don’t get me wrong I think he can do it but I thin it would have been easier if he had trained for more than 2 days. I am very proud of him for wanting to run for the cause. He is also taking another HUGE step in inviting some friends to go with us. This is a part of Hayden’s world that he has always protected and not let many people in.

There are also lots and lots of teams for patients and angels. We will get to see so many people that we haven’t seen in a while and with this comes so many emotions. Please just say a special prayer for all of us.

I will write Monday and let you know how it goes.

In Him
Tina

Monday, November 19, 2007 10:45 AM CST

I added a picture of Hayden to the photo album.

Good morning! I hope you all had a good weekend. Mine was VERY boring. Jeff is in hunting mode and of course Hayden has plenty on his plate.

I have to admit that I am really struggling lately. I know it has a lot to do with the time of the year and there are a lot of emotions that I am just going to have to learn to live with. It is just that after 2 ½ years I have not learned yet.

While at home by myself I decided that I would make an attempt at watching some video of Stanton. I purposely did not pick the Christmas DVD but there was some Christmas on the one that I picked. It did feel good to be able to smile and laugh through the tears. This was not something that I have been able to do before, but as Stanton was riding my mom like a bull I must say I laughed. Then there was the video of mom, Stanton and Mary Claire decorating our little Christmas tree for the Ronald McDonald house. It was hard to believe watching this that it was Stanton’s last Christmas. Had I known that then would I have done anything any different? I don’t think so.

At home alone always leads to a lot of quiet time as well and as always I picked up a book with the perfect devotional. It was from the book “A Year of Hope” and talked about the love of a parent for their children. Mainly, how as parents we want what is best for our children and how we are responsible for making the decision as to what we think is best, especially when it has to do with our children asking for things. How does this relate to our Heavenly Father?

Surely we can ask God for what we want. We can ask for healing, jobs, money, restored relationships, etc. The problem is, because we are so limited in our understanding that we don’t always know what is good or better yet what is best for us.

As parents we want what is best for our children. We give them what we think is best for them and not just what they as for. Imagine if we gave them everything that they asked for. Although I know Hayden would love this concept at some point he will see the reasons that Jeff and I as parents made our decision. We should recognize this with our Father as well. God does not always give us what we ask for but we must trust that He does what is best. What a hard statement that is for me to make. Sometimes his “good gifts” don’t appear that way to my limited perspective. He gives me broccoli when I asked for ice cream. Sometimes he uses frustrating circumstances, unwanted criticism or disappointing delays to develop in me the good gifts of patience and humility. He calls me to trust in Him, to know that He is my wise and loving Father and that my ultimate good is his heart’s greatest desire.

Needless to say this was a gut wrenching devotional. I don’t think I can yet look at the outcome of the journey and realize how it was for my “good”. What I can do is look at the journey and see the good that has come from it and all of the ways that God has truly blessed my life.

So during this week of Thanksgiving please stop and remember to thank God for all of the “good” that he has done for you. I know that if I can find things to be thankful for then everyone should be able to do the same.

Blessed
Tina

Monday, November 12, 2007 10:58 AM CST

Whew!!!!!! What a week. After a horrific week it felt good to have a good weekend. Sometimes these seem so few and far between.

Saturday Mary Claire had her first karate tournament. It was a new experience for all of us. I have been trying to take MC to her karate class at least once a week. It is a good chance for me to get to watch her (she really is good) and we get to spend some Tina time in the car visiting. Just visiting with her I am reminded how fast she is growing up. She did great for her first tournament and was so much fun to watch. I rode with Jamie and Scotty so I got to spend some time with both of the girls while they ran errands after the tournament. A prefect way to spend my Saturday. Mary Claire- You rock!!!! I am so proud of you. You will forever hold a special place in my heart that is all yours.

While we were in the car waiting on Scotty (it was pouring down rain) Mary Claire spotted the prettiest rainbow that I think I have ever seen. We could see the complete arch and as the sun came out it got so bright! The first thing that Mary Claire said was “hey Stancie”! We talked about how much fun he and the other angels must have been having with the paint in heaven. Once again I love to hear someone else mention Stanton because I have this fear that everyone will forget. I find myself even worried that I will forget his voice, his likes/dislikes. As you all know rainbows are one of my favorite of God’s creations. We saw a beautiful one the day we were driving home from Memphis, Feb. 13, 2005. It was a very “black and white” reminder of God’s unending love for us and his promise to us. After the week I had this rainbow came at the perfect time.

Sunday started out with a great lesson in Sunday School. We are starting a book called “Twelve Ordinary Men”. We talked about how God could have chosen anyone to be his disciples. He could have picked the best and the brightest but he didn’t. The one thing all the disciples had in common was their ordinariness. What a position that puts all of us in. God knew that you don’t have to be some great scholar to spread His word. Yes, there are some of us who have the talent to get up in front of a group of people and speak or sing and this is a great way to glorify Him but not the only way. One thing I have learned over the last 4 years is that we don’t always get to choose our circumstances and there are plenty of times when our current circumstance are not some we would have chosen if given the choice. But God can use these circumstances good and bad to change you and gives you the opportunity to use these circumstances to change someone else. This is a lesson that Stanton taught so many of us. I can’t imagine that he would have chosen the journey that he walked but not once did he complain. Instead he spent his years changing lives. I know mine for one will never be the same and I cherish the memories and the lessons learned.

Our friend, Hallie, joined Stanton in heaven yesterday. Please say a special prayer for her family as they start his new part of the journey learning to live life without Hallie. www.caringbridge.org/la/hallie

Hoping to make a Difference
Tina

Thursday, November 8, 2007 2:23 PM CST

Good afternoon! I hope everyone is having a great week. Mine is still up in the air. Things have just been wild.

Hayden is officially through with football. They did win their last game which was not much consolation for them not making the playoffs. Needless to say this was a hard night for the kids as well as us parents. I looked around and was taking pictures thinking “it seems like just yesterday I was taking pictures of them at preschool graduation”. My how time flies and yet another reminder to not waste a single minute with your kids. They won’t stay little long.

Hayden is now just making sure his grades are good and looking for a job. If anyone knows of anything please let me know!!!!!!!!!!

We are planning a trip to Memphis the weekend of the St. Jude Marathon. There will be so many families there that I can’t wait to see. I thought we would just cheer with the Jake crew but Hayden informed me that he is going to run in one of the events. So I guess I will be registering him soon.

I got this really neat email this morning from a dear friend that I wanted to share. The pictures that were with it were really cute but I am not computer literate enough to get them on here so you just get the words.

I BELIEVE...
That our background and circumstances may have influenced who we are but we are responsible for who we become.
That just because someone doesn’t love you the way that you want them to doesn’t mean they don’t love you with all they have.
That true friendship continues to grow, even over the longest distance. Same goes for true love.
That you should always leave loved ones with loving words. It may be the last time that you see them.
That you can keep going long after you think that you can’t.
That no matter how good a friend is they are going to hurt you every once in a while and you must forgive them for that.
That we are responsible for what we do no matter how we feel.
That either you control your attitude or it controls you.
That heros are the people who do what has to be done when it needs to be done regardless of the circumstances.
That my best friend and I can do anything or nothing and have the best time.
That when I am angry I have the right to be angry, but that doesn’t give me the right to be cruel.
That sometimes the people you expect to kick you while you are down will be the ones to help you get back up.
That it isn’t always enough to be forgive by others. Sometimes you have to forgive yourself.
That no matter how bad your heart is broken, the world doesn’t stop for your grief.
That your life can be changed in a matter of hours by people that you don’t even know.
That two people can look at the exact same thing and see something totally different.
That even when you think you have no more to give, when a friend cries out to you, you will find strength to help.
That the people you care about most in life are taken from you much to soon.

I could have elaborated on each of these as you all know so well. Thank you as always for continuing to keep us in your thoughts and prayers.

I Believe
Tina

Thursday, November 1, 2007 10:27 AM CDT

Good morning! I am a little overdue for a good update I guess. I really can’t say that there isn’t much going on in our world because that would not be true. I think with any age child you will always be busy.

I have to confess that this is the time of the year that life tends to get really difficult for me. There are such mixed feelings going into the holidays. I am a winter person and have always loved Thanksgiving and Christmas. I love everything about this time of the year, family getting together, sharing blessings with those less fortunate, football games, cold winter nights, I think you get the picture. The problem is that in the last 3 years the sadness really outweighs the joys. If you have never suffered such a loss you really won’t understand and that is okay. If you have, you know exactly what I am talking about. It is so hard not to think of the few holidays that Stanton had with us and how different things would be if he were still here. This is something that I will struggle with for the rest of my life.

I made an attempt last night to go to the carnival at the church. I didn’t go last year because I knew my limitations. I think I overshot my limits this year. It was a lot harder than I expected. After being there a few minutes I decided that I should have stayed home. I made it through but will probably not attempt it again next year. Probably not a very good start to my holiday season.

Hayden will have his very last football practice this afternoon and his last game tomorrow night. Boy does time fly by fast. It is senior night at the game so I am sure there will be tears shed. I promised him I would be good. Talking to him I think he has very mixed feelings about all of this. The hardest thing I think is just knowing that these kids that you have played football with since you were 10 are no longer going to be playing football.

I am really trying hard to start realizing that as these “lasts” start approaching us there will be many “firsts” to replace these. My how life is going to be different.

Thank you as always for continuing to check on us.

In Him
Tina

Friday, October 26, 2007 11:20 AM CDT

I know that I am not negative on this site very often but I have to say that I am so very frustrated today. I just got through reading Hallie’s website www.caringbridge.org/la/hallie to read that things are not going good for her. Hallie and her family were friends from St. Jude that we spent much time with while we were in Memphis. Yes. Hallie was one of Stanton’s many girlfriends. This disease is ruthless. It attacks and attacks until these kids just can’t fight it anymore. Please pray for Hallie and her family, Joe, Beth Ann, and Harrison.

So Frustrated
Tina

Tuesday, October 23, 2007 11:33 AM CDT

I have to admit that I am struggling a bit today. You see, it was 18 years ago today that Jeff rushed me to the hospital to have an emergency c-section that would later produce who I think is the most incredible kid I know. The problem with that statement is that now at “18” he reminds me that he really isn’t a kid anymore. I am playing the “as long as I am paying the bills” card which is working for now but the whole process is a reminder that they just don’t stay “kids” forever. If you had told me 18 years ago where Hayden’s life was going to go I would have never believed it. So much has happened, so much that is out of our control. If you had told me that at 18 he would be the man he is today I probably would have argued with you about that too. He has taken life’s circumstances and used them to better himself, we all could learn a lesson or two.

Hayden-my precious baby (you will never outgrow that title) you know that you hold a very special place in my heart. You have since that morning 18 years ago. I cannot begin to put into words how proud I am of the “man” (that is still hard for me to swallow) that you have become. You have faced life with a head on approach that really seems to be working for you. If only I could be so strong. I know I tease you about being spoiled but when it comes down to it I have seen you put others first on more occasions than I can count. You have such a bright future ahead of you and I always want you to remember that I am here for you no matter what. You are everything I could have ever asked for in a son and then some. I will never understand why God thought me worthy of you. Happy Birthday! I love you!

Mom to an adult
Tina

Tuesday, October 16, 2007 12:10 AM CDT

I know it seems like forever since I have updated my journal. It is not that I have forgotten about you all but that I have been out of town for a week and playing catch-up yesterday.

2 of my good friends and I went to Philadelphia to the AHIMA national convention. Angela is on the board of directors so she really had to work pretty hard while we were there but Debra and I were a completely different story. It really doesn’t matter where you go with us one thing is for sure and that is that you will laugh a whole bunch.

We weren’t laughing so hard Friday morning when we left and got stopped by a policeman for speeding. Things didn’t get any better when we got to the airport and the man removing our luggage left a HUGE scratch on Angela’s car. At this point Debra and I began to question whether it was safe to get on the plane with Angela and her luck. Things were going pretty smooth until we were on the plane from Dallas to Philly in what seemed like hours and hours. The next “memory” would be in the cab from the airport. I was in the back seat of a minivan when the driver slammed on his brakes. The luggage, the seat I was in and me ended up close and personal with Angela and Debra. The only way to fix it was to stop on the side of the freeway and unload ALL of our luggage on the side of the road. UGH!!!! All of this ended up being minor problems when we got to our hotel room and it was a suite, with chocolates on our pillows and everything.

I could type for days about how the weekend went but I will just try to sum it up (I don’t want to make Gerhard to jealous). My friend that I met way back when in Philly for Stanton’s treatment had the whole weekend cleared for us. Liz, Jeff and Sydney picked me up Saturday morning, we went to lunch, went to watch Christina’s (Liz and Gerhard’s other sister) daughters play soccer. I have never watched much soccer but this was so fun. From there we went to a party with Sydney (Liz’s daughter who is the same age as Stanton). She had grown up so much but when she saw me it was like we had seen each other everyday for the last 3 years. She remembers such great times with Stanton. I enjoyed getting to meet other mothers and telling how we met. We also went to dinner that night where Oma knew it just wouldn’t’ be the same without including Stanton so she brought balloons. Oma, you are the best!!!

Sunday morning Liz picked up Debra and I. We got to watch Sydney play soccer, have a great lunch at Liz’s house and then off to a humongous mall. We were only able to window shop but we had a GREAT time! Debra just could not believe that Liz and I had only met one time before. After the mall we wert to dinner for Jeff’s (Liz’s husband Jeff) birthday. Once again another incredible day before we have to get back to work.

We had meetings starting Monday so there was not quite as much fun to report now but I do have to share another way God sends me things that I need to hear. Our last speaker was John Walsh from America’s Most Wanted TV show. He came to talk to us about using tragedies or really bad circumstances to turn things into positives. If you don’t know, his 6 year old son was abducted and killed 26 years ago. He spoke of using his grief to start some of the missing children’s networks. One thing that touched me probably more than anyone else, or at least I noticed it was that when he was telling the story 26 years later he had moments that he had to recover before going on. There are times when I feel like I should have it all together because it has almost been 3 years but he confirmed that even 26 years later, tears will be okay.

I couldn’t end this entry without sending out a HUGE thank you to Angela for putting up with me this week. It was really a week that I needed. Also, to Debra, you rock!! I had a great time this week. Thank you for letting me be me. Liz and family-what can I say. I still think I am a long lost daughter/sister. You made me feel so welcome and just like I belong. Maybe you all can get to Louisiana sometime.

Trusting Him
Tina

Monday, October 1, 2007 11:43 AM CDT

I know it has been a while and I am so sorry but I hope you will understand. I have been at home pretty sick last week. It took a lot longer to recover than I hoped or expected but I am finally back to work trying to catch up. Again, sorry for those that missed the updates (if there still are any of you?)

Life around our house continues to be a whirlwind. Just because I was sick my family didn’t stop. I realized how bad it was when my mom knew more about what Hayden was going to be doing over the weekend than I did.

Hayden has so many things going on I am not sure how he keeps up but he does. He was elected Vice President of the senior class last week. His senior homecoming is this weekend and I am going to be out of town. I have a convention in Philadelphia which I am excited for but just hate not being there for Hayden. He solved my problem for me though, you see if I would get him his birthday present early (a digital camera) he could take pictures and send them to me on my phone. He is pretty slick! And yes, I fell for it.

We had to go buy a homecoming outfit yesterday and I had a great day. (I was not expecting this because sometimes we don’t agree on clothes) Just the drive time was all I needed. I was reminded just how neat of a kid he is. I was glad to get a chance to remind him how very proud we are of the man he has become. We talked about all that he had been through in the last 5 years and how so many kids would have let it destroy them yet he used it to make him stronger. I could go on and on but I think you all know how special he is to me. I know I say it often but even I am guilty of letting life go by so fast, but stop and take the time to love your kids. They are the most special blessing you will ever have.

Thank you as always for your continued love and support!

Blessed
Tina

Tuesday, September 18, 2007 3:48 PM CDT

First of all thank you all for the birthday wishes. I was quite surprised and really couldn't believe that anyone remembered until I saw Jeff's note. What a surprise!

Things have just been okay, nothing spectacular. I am still not sleeping so I am pretty exhausted which makes for many other problems the main one being irritability. Needless to say everyone that spends any time around me is wanting me to sleep.

Hayden's football team has had a couple of rough weeks but he did play a little bit Friday and did a very good job. We were all pretty proud of him. He continues to work pretty hard at his 2 dual enrollment classes. He is also really starting to try to figure out where he wants to go to college. I am trying to let him make his own decision without too much input because I really want him to be happy.

I know this is short and sweet but I still have lots of work to do before I can go home.

In Him
Tina

Thursday, September 13, 2007 8:21 AM CDT

Just wanted to let everyone know to wish my wonderful wife Tina a happy birthday. She has meant so much to our family I know I would not have made it through what we been through without her.She is my best friend and the love of my life.Happy birthday sweethart I love you.Jeff

Tuesday, September 11, 2007 2:35 PM CDT

Well, this morning I just didn’t know if I would have it in me to journal today. I know all of you have spent time today reflecting on the events of Sept. 11, 2001. I can vividly remember hearing the news on the radio on my way to work and then getting to work and everyone gathered around the tv in the lobby watching the events unfold. I remember calling my dad to let him know what was happening because he was not around a radio. I remember the biggest feeling of just wanting to be at home with my children and family. In fact, several people that I work including myself did go home that day. I remember be scheduled to fly out of Shreveport to a meeting on the 14th and questioning whether this was a good idea.

Looking back I can honestly say that 2001 was a year that changed the course of my life forever, good and bad. Stanton was born in Feb. of 2001 and what a blessing he was. A special angel sent to me to bless me in ways that only he could have. I am so glad that I went home early that day and I am so glad that I got to spend so much special time with Stanton in his 4 short years.

I heard a song this morning talking about the events of 9/11 and it said something about “she didn’t know she kissed a hero” and I couldn’t help but think of my hero. Fortunately for me I knew I was kissing my hero who now has his own wings to fly!!!!!

I am still waiting on caringbridge to fix the guestbook and then I will put it back on here.

Remembering
Tina

Thursday, September 6, 2007 3:03 PM CDT

How about another update so soon! Just have a lot in my heart and needed somewhere for it to go. Have I told you all how much I love you lately??? I know that there is a special place in heaven for all of you who have so faithfully followed our journey and prayed for us daily. After my last update I was kind of bummed out because I took off the guestbook. I promise that you all have no idea how much your words mean to me. I learned that even without a guestbook you guys found ways to keep the encouragement going. I loved all of the emails and needed them so very much!

I now officially have a college student in my house. Hayden is taking 2 classes at school that will count as college credit through Louisiana Tech University. Yesterday he got his “first” college acceptance letter. He was pretty excited. Have I told you lately that I have a really neat kid!!! Today he and my mom went to Tech to tour the campus. I think it is really neat that he asked my mom to go be a part of that. I joked with her and told her that since she had been retired she had been keeping up with Jamie’s heathens (just kidding you all know how much I love those girls) that I needed her to take care of my angel for the day. I haven’t talked to her but I think things went okay.

On the way to work I was just thinking about him and how hard things have been for him for the last almost 5 years now. I thought about my teenage years and how I was footloose and fancy free, not a worry in the world (okay, maybe worrying if my dad was going to put gas in my car so I didn’t have to pump it). Unfortunatley things haven’t been that way for Hayden and I hate that. One thing I can say is that he used this journey to grow and to become a very special young man with many special talents. As I say often, God really blessed me with 2 very amazing boys and I could never give Him enough thanks for that.

There is a new song on the radio and I just love it. It is called “Don’t Blink” by Kenny Chesney. It talks about what I remind you all of all of the time. Don’t take each day you are given for granted. Time goes by way to fast.

I turned on the evening news
Saw a old man being interviewed
Turning a hundred and two today
Asked him what's the secret to life
He looked up from his old pipe
Laughed and said "All I can say is."

Don't blink
Just like that you're six years old and you're taking naps and you
Wake up and you're twenty-five and your high school sweetheart becomes your wife
Don't blink
You just might miss your babies growing like mine did
Turning into moms and dads next thing you know your better half
Of fifty years is there in bed
And you're praying God takes you instead
Trust me friend a hundred years goes faster than you think
So don't blink

I was glued to my tv and it looked like he looked at me and said
"Best start putting first things first."
Cause when your hourglass runs out of sand
You can't flip over and start again
Take every breathe God gives you for what it's worth

Don't Blink
Just like that you're six years old and you're taking naps and you
Wake up and you're twenty-five and your high school sweetheart becomes your wife
Don't blink
You just might miss your babies growing like mine did
Turning into moms and dads next thing you know your better half
Of fifty years is there in bed
And you're praying God takes you instead
Trust me friend a hundred years goes faster than you think
So don't blink

I've been tryna slow it down
I've been tryna take it in
In this here today gone tomorrow world we're livin' in

Don't blink
Just like that you're six years old and you're taking naps and you
Wake up and you're twenty-five and your high school sweetheart becomes your wife
Don't blink
You just might miss your babies growing like mine did
Turning into moms and dads next thing you know your better half
Of fifty years is there in bed
And you're praying God takes you instead
Trust me friend a hundred years goes faster you think
Don't blink

Naw, don't blink

As for the guestbook I am going to put it back in a few days. If that doesn’t work then I will contact caringbridge to get it fixed. Thank you all again for sticking by me when things are good and bad!

Not blinking
Tina

Tuesday, September 4, 2007 4:18 PM CDT

I know it is late in the day for an update but just thought I would write something.

You see my heart is heavy and I have been in a terrible mood this whole weekend. I feel myself going back to a place where I really don’t want to be especially right now with the hardest time of the year coming up. Problem is I don’t know how to stop myself at this point.

A big part of the problem is something I don’t want to put on here for fear others will take the fall-out, namely Hayden so I will just keep my thoughts to myself. He amazes me with is strength and incredible personality. When I feel like blowing a gasket over something he should be madder at than me and he is calming me down. Something wrong with that picture????

Just remember that actions go a long way, usually even farther than words. There have been some people who have really let me down in that area.

We started the weekend with a win Friday night which was good. The boys really needed that to get them started.

Since I was in such a bad mood I spent all weekend long doing much of nothing. Again, probably not the wisest choice in the mood I was in.

Have I told you lately how much I miss my baby!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Heartbroken as always
Tina

I am probably going to shut the guestbook down for a few days because some stuff is getting put on there and I don’t’ know how to stop it and can’t keep up with it to keep it deleted. A big loss for me since I love to read all of your comments.

Tuesday, August 28, 2007 10:06 AM CDT

I know I am not journaling as often as you all would like to see lately. But there just seems to be so little to say. Each day is about the same. I seem to take 2 steps forward and 150 back. The pain is still so very raw and hurts so very bad. I do wish I could figure out what sets off the going backward but I just can’t seem to put my hand on it. I think of Stanton daily and how different life would be if her were still here (of course a good different).

Hayden seems to be doing okay in school. This first semester is a tough one but he seems to hanging in there and really trying. Football is going. They won their game in the jamboree last Friday and host Nachitoches-Central this Friday. As my mom once said, if you don’t have anything good to say then say nothing at all so as for the rest of football I will plead the 5th and say nothing. I guess I will never cease to be amazed a people in general.

Mary Claire seems to be doing okay with her new cast. It is pink and blue (for her and Stanton is what she says). She really wanted a rainbow so this is as close as they come. Elynn Kate started preschool last Friday and I think all went well until she got to the cafeteria and the trays were wet from where they had washed them. She refused to pick one up because she didn’t want to get her hands wet. She also didn’t eat much but Memaw has convinced her that even if she is not going to eat she has to pick up her tray. She is a riot and I am sure is going to give Mrs. Tori a run for her money.

I sure hope all is well with all of you who still come by and check on us.

In Him Alone
Tina

Wednesday, August 22, 2007 9:56 AM CDT

I know it has been way to long between updates but there just doesn’t seem to be that much to talk about. Hayden is enjoying school and seems to be actually putting forth an effort in studying which has not always been one of his best traits. So far, he also seems to like his classes which is another big hurdle.

I can say that there is not much to talk about but I can not say that life is ever boring. Mary Claire came by the house after karate Monday night and she had hurt her arm. She was really protecting it but not complaining to much about the pain. Yesterday morning Jamie called and asked if I could help get her to the hospital for x-rays. Of course I said yes. When they were doing the x-rays she was really moving her arm pretty good and never even flinched so I was pretty sure it was okay. I would be proven wrong when the x-ray came back showing that she had fractured her elbow in 2 places. If you can remember back, she broke her other elbow a couple of years ago. It just amazes me the pain tolerance that these kids have. Right now her arm is in a splint and she will be placed in a cast tomorrow or Friday.

That is pretty much all that is happening in our world. Thanks for continuing to check on us and to remind me when I need to update.

In Him
Tina

Wednesday, August 15, 2007 10:57 AM CDT

I have to say that there is nothing like waking up to your son reminding you that he is starting his senior year of high school to day. Don’t get me wrong, they have thought of themselves as seniors since the day last years seniors left school. I don’t think I have ever seen him so excited to start school. He asked “Are you going to cry?”. I said maybe not if you will quit reminding me. And yes, I cried. He really can’t be this old. As I was driving to work I could remember every detail of the day that I took him to kindergarten for the first time. I cried all the way to work on that day as well. It seems like only yesterday and yet so much has happened since then.

I think I have a whole new appreciation for these milestones because now they are the only milestones I will have. I always expected for Stanton to be having these same firsts and I still have a hard time believing that he is not here.

I did get to take Mary Claire to registration (which was a little weird since mom wasn’t there) which was good. Any time spent with her is a good time. She too is growing up so fast.

I have to end this journal with my thoughts to Hayden on this special day.

Hayden-A SENIOR! That just doesn’t seem real. It still feels like I should be taking you to kindergarten. I have to tell you that I am so proud of the man that you have become. 18 years ago I could have never imagined the pain that you would go through in such a short amount of time and I am so sorry for that. You know I would take it all from you if I could. Through the most difficult times you have stepped it up and been exactly the person God would have expected from you and exactly the son that I needed. In fact so many times I felt bad because I felt like you were taking care of me. You never cease to amaze me. I hope this year is everything you have ever hoped it would be and then some. You deserve the best! I love you soooooooomuch!

Mom of a Senior!?!?!?!?!
Tina

Thursday, August 9, 2007 10:01 AM CDT

Okay, so I know it has been too long between updates and I am sorry. There just doesn’t seem like there is much going on worth journaling about.

It is hard to believe that the summer is almost over for the kids and that school will be starting back but it is. Hayden hasn’t fussed to much about going back. I guess there is a little excitement about going back as a senior. Boy is that hard to believe and even harder for me to say.

They have been practicing football this week and I know it has been hot but again, no complaining from Hayden. You would know that it has not been terribly hot here until this week and we have heat advisories every day now that they are practicing. I sure hope they have another wonderful season.

As for me, I still am taking it one day, one step at a time. Yes, things seem to be getting a little easier and life seems to be a little smoother, but just as I told Paul yesterday even that doesn’t give me much relief. I tend to not want to get to comfortable being “content” (for lack of a better word) because I am always waiting for the shoe to drop and life to be sent back into a whirlwind.

I am not sleeping good again and part of it is because I dream non stop when I am asleep. Not all bad dreams but just enough to keep my mind going too much to completely rest. The good news is that I am learning to function on less sleep for now anyway.

I need to get back to work. Lots to do today.

Taking one step at a time
Tina

Thursday, August 2, 2007 10:17 AM CDT

Wow what a day yesterday was. I got up really dreading the day because I am not sleeping good at night so I was so tired. Once I got up though I felt better and had more energy than I had been having. Work was busy as usual which is always a good thing for me. Of course it was “crazy” Wed. so I got to go seem my counselor. What a change this is from a couple of years ago when I insisted I didn’t need a counselor. It was a great session, not that all of them aren’t but sometimes I come out drained and yesterday I came out energized. Paul always seems to know exactly what I need each week.

I had 2 nightmares the night before and we got to talking about the first one which I have to say felt a little weird at first but when we were through it really wasn’t such a nightmare anymore. I debate on whether to share this with you for fear that you will think I am crazier than you already do but once again this entry is for me.

I dreamed that I was in a lake in a whirlpool and unable to get out. This seemed so real that I woke up tired from struggling to climb out of the water. A boat came along with people in it that were unidentifiable in my dream but they helped me out of the water. The dream ended when I fell out of the boat just a few minutes later. Weird I know but when we talked about it Paul asked if any of it meant anything to me. Not really but then it dawned on me that this dream was a lot like my life. So many days I have been in the whirlpool drowning. I have been scared, angry, feelings of losing control, I think you get the picture. These feelings are some of my biggest fears and some that I face on a daily basis. The light at the end of the tunnel was that in my dream there was a boat. This boat could represent my “safe” place and the people that help me get to this place. I also can remember when a time not to long ago there was no boat (or at least in my eyes). I felt like I was going to stay into the whirlpool until it won. In fact I think I even wanted to stay in that place as scary as that is to me now. Of course this got me to thinking about my “boat” and who has been in this boat at one point or another. I can’t list them all separately because I would leave someone out so I am going to list them in groups. First of all God is the only really safe place. I have found so much comfort just resting in His arms. The boat would be filled with Jeff and Hayden, the rest of my family, my St. Jude/Memphis friends, my friends, my CB friends, my staff, my boss, my doctor, Paul, my church family and the list could go on and on. How blessed I am to have people who love me so as to stand in the boat and pull me out of the water even when I didn’t help them much at all. In fact, even when maybe I even pushed them away. I could never thank you all enough.

I am also so blessed that I am to the point where I do realize that there is a boat to climb into if only for a short while at a time. I still have days when I want to live in the whirlpool but I think they are getting farther and farther apart. Once again, a very beneficial hour in my week.

Hayden and I had some time to visit last night and he continues to amaze me at how much he is growing up. We talked a lot about his future plans (college, majors, etc.) and I am really proud of how ambitious he seems to be. I know he has so many questions but I think he has a great foundation to start with. I pray that life will cut him a little slack for a while. Please pray for his wisdom and the wisdom of the people guiding him into this “new” life.

We will be helping at the St. Jude Dream Home give away Sunday afternoon. Hayden is going to be working the hopper so you can get a look at him on channel 3 in the Shreveport/Minden areas.

Hope you all have a great weekend. Thank you as always for letting me be me.

Trying to stay in the boat today
Tina

Tuesday, July 31, 2007 12:45 AM CDT

I have decided that there is no method to the tears, the pain. They seem to come whenever and for no apparent reason. Yesterday was one of those days. With these days come some very strange journal entries because they come from very strange places. The following are lyrics to a song that I have listened to since the last American Idol and have loved it but until yesterday never really listened to the words that closely. It came on the Christian radio station and I did a double take. You see I never viewed it as a Christian song until yesterday.

HOME By CHRIS DAUGHTRY

I'm staring out into the night,
Trying to hide the pain.
I'm going to the place where love
And feeling good don't ever cost a thing.
And the pain you feel's a different kind of pain.

I'm going home,
Back to the place where I belong,
And where your love has always been enough for me.
I'm not running from.
No, I think you got me all wrong.
I don't regret this life I chose for me.
But these places and these faces are getting old
So I'm going home.
Well I'm going home.

The miles are getting longer, it seems,
The closer I get to you.
I've not always been the best man or friend for you.
But your love, remains true.
And I don't know why.
You always seem to give me another try.

So I'm going home,
Back to the place where I belong,
[Home lyrics on http://www.metrolyrics.com]

And where your love has always been enough for me.
I'm not running from.
No, I think you got me all wrong.
I don't regret this life I chose for me.
But these places and these faces are getting old.

Be careful what you wish for,
'Cause you just might get it all.
You just might get it all,
And then some you don't want.
Be careful what you wish for,
'Cause you just might get it all.
You just might get it all, yeah.

Oh, well I'm going home,
Back to the place where I belong,
And where your love has always been enough for me.
I'm not running from.
No, I think you got me all wrong.
I don't regret this life I chose for me.
But these places and these faces are getting old.
I said these places and these faces are getting old.
So I'm going home.
I'm going home.

I think the thing that hit the closest to home to me is the phrase “I don’t regret this life you chose for me”. So many days I feel so bad, so alone and I really have a hard time imagining life before the pain. Maybe that is because the pain was sent for a reason. Who am I to second guess God or his decisions for me.

As I was driving home, through the tears the date flashed in my mind. (I know it is hard when your mind goes all the time) June 30. Nothing special you might be saying. Well June 30, 2003 Stanton had his stem cell transplant. It was the beginning of what we had hoped would be a new life for him. I know, he does have a new life and that is awesome but you know my ideas and God’s were a little different.

For those of you waling this journey in front of me, with me or behind me I wish I could tell you when it gets easier. I guess it is easier than 2 years ago but still so very hard.

A special friend of ours Coleson is in Houston after a bone marrow transplant. He is having some troubles and when people call me and want me to start a prayer chain you guys are the first thing that I think of. His website is www.caringbridge.org/la/coleson. I know they would love your prayers.

I am not going in to detail but if you haven’t visited my sister Trish’s site www.caringbridge.org/ar/emmagrace in a while I encourage you to stop by there and offer her a hug. I love her more than I could ever put into words in a journal.

I need to get back to work. Just had a little on my mind today.

With no regrets
Tina

Friday, July 27, 2007 12:05 AM CDT

Well, I was beginning to feel a little bad because it has been so long since my last update but then I checked the guestbook and I am not the only one who is slacking. Not even a hi since Monday. The deal still gos that as long as someone is reading I will keep writing but it is nice to "hear" from someone every now and then.

I know I know, enough of my whining. So how have things been in our world? Not much exciting. Pretty much same old same old. Hayden is still lifeguarding until Aug. 12 I think and then school starts the 15th maybe. He will start football practice next week as well. He is just a busy person. He is on his way to Monroe to the endocrinologist right now. It is just time for his check up.

As for Jeff and I nothing going on compared to Hayden.

I have really been trying to focus on where my life is going from here. A big part of who I am and what I do is based around being a mother. I know that Hayden will always need me but just not like he used to. That I guess is where it BIG hole comes in. I still have that wanting to take care of children. You all know how much I adore playing with my nieces and nephew. I talked to my counselor this week and we decided that I needed to find something to fill some of my time which involves children. I think this would be something that I would very much enjoy so a special request. Could you all please pray with me that an opportunity will open up for me to be involved with helping children in some way and that I will keep my eyes open long enough to see it.

I hope you all have a great weekend. Thanks as always for everything.

Blessed
Tina

Monday, July 23, 2007 11:49 AM CDT

Okay, so it has been way to long between updates but I hope you all can forgive me.

We made it home safe and sound from Gulf Shores yesterday afternoon or at least Hayden and I did. Mom’s crew got home later that evening. They took the scenic route home.

Hayden and I did fine traveling by ourselves. He actually drove most of the way and did a great job. It rained pretty hard all the way down there. I had wondered if going early was the right thing to do but after we got there I knew it was. We had some good quality time together. I sometimes forget how grown up he is. I guess his life experiences have him way beyond his years.

The week itself was a great one. We all got some much needed rest and relaxation. The weather was only bad one day and the rest of the week was gorgeus. We spent the days on the beach and the evenings hanging out as a family.

We stayed at Jake’s Aunt Mo’s condo and I can tell you that there was an angelic presence from the moment we walked in. It was neat to see some personal pictures around the condo. The first full day there we got the pleasure of seeing a beautiful rainbow. I think if I remember correctly that every vacation since Stanton has been gone we have seen a rainbow at least once. Of course Stanton was never far from any of our minds. There was always something that reminded us of him. I said it was his way of telling us that he is always with us.

Although we were there for a week I still wasn’t completely ready to come home (except for missing Jeff terribly). Now it is back to the real world with lots of work to catch up on.

Hayden has a few weeks before school starts and I can’t believe that he will be starting school as a senior. Where in the world does the time go?

Thanks for your continued prayers and support.

By His Grace Alone
Tina

Friday, July 13, 2007 11:22 AM CDT

Just a quick note to let you all know that you won'tbe hearing from me for a week. Me, Hayden, Mom, Dad, Jamie and the girls are going to Gulf Shores for the week. It is a much needed break.

Hayden and I will leave tomorrow morning and try to drive there by ourselves. That in itself is in need of serious prayers. The rest of the family will be leaving Sunday morning.

Have a great week
Tina

Wednesday, July 11, 2007 11:03 AM CDT

CAUTION: The following comes straight from my heart. It may “sound” irrational, illogical, scattered and everything else that comes to mind.

I feel like I need to write something here but my mind is in such a whirlwind I am not sure what to say. I have always said that this journal is for me and I guess after writing this entry over and over in my head I will put it here.

Anger. Yes, that is an emotion that I am feeling. Over just one thing? No way, there are several things that I can just not seem to wrap my mind around.

I don’t think I have to sit here and “tell” you how precious life is. If you haven’t gotten that from my journaling up until now you probably never will. But, believe it or not there are some that just don’t get it. We are human, we live in an evil world, we are not invincible and will not live forever on this earth.

The way I see it we die in a couple of ways. 1) a sudden death via disease or accident or 2) a prolonged death due to disease. In the first of course we have no way of knowing that “the” day is coming. Now I am not afraid to die. I know where I am going and I know it is a glorious place. What I am afraid of is that the people that I leave behind will not know how much they meant to me and how special each one of them was. Hence, no one ever leaves our house without an “I love you”. Not a rule just something that we do. The pain a death leaves behind is painful enough without any added worry or guilt.

This thought process really started while I was driving the other day and “Jake’s” song (Live Like You Were Dying) came on the radio.

He said I was in my early forties
with a lot of life before me
when a moment came that stopped me on a dime
and I spent most of the next days
looking at the x-rays
Talking ‘bout the options
and talking ‘bout sweet time
I asked him when it sank in
that… this might really be the real end
how’s it hit you when you get that kinda news …
man what’d you do ?
and he said
I went sky diving
I went Rocky Mountain climbing
I went 2.7 seconds on a bull named Blue Manchu
and I loved deeper and I spoke sweeter
and I gave forgiveness I’d been denying
and he said someday I hope you get the chance
to live like you were dying.
He said I was finally the husband
that most the time I wasn’t
and I became a friend a friend would like to have
and all the sudden going fishin’
wasn’t such an imposition
and I went three times that year I lost my dad
well I finally read the good book
and I took a good long hard look
at what I’d do if I could do it all again
and then …
I went sky diving
I went Rocky Mountain climbing
I went 2.7 seconds on a bull named Blue Manchu
and I loved deeper and I spoke sweeter
and I gave forgiveness I’d been denying
and he said someday I hope you get the chance
to live like you were dying.
Like tomorrow was a gift and you got eternity to think about
what’d you do with it what did you do with it
what did I do with it
what would I do with it?

Sky diving
I went Rocky Mountain climbing
I went 2.7 seconds on a bull named Blue Manchu
and then I loved deeper and I spoke sweeter
and I watched an eagle as it was flying
and he said someday I hope you get the chance
to live like you were dying.
To live like you were dying
To live like you were dying
To live like you were dying
To live like you were dying

What I can not get out of my head is that there are people who get this chance, “to live like they are dying” and choose not to use it. That is where the anger comes in. Although difficult I think I would find some comfort in knowing my time to go was nearing and that I had the chance to tell everyone exactly how I felt, to right any wrongs, and just to make life right. Yes, I would probably try the skydiving part as well. How could anyone let this opportunity slip away? The anger for me is for the loved ones left behind. I really can’t even begin to imagine the pain, or can I??

I know this has been lengthy and I apologize for the anger but once again I encourage each and every one of you to live like you were dying. Nothing says that you have to wait until you are to experience the love that life has to offer.

Loving Deeper
Tina

Monday, July 9, 2007 10:55 AM CDT

And continues....... I just wanted to let you all know that Jeff's mother passed away on Friday. Please remember all of her family in your prayers.

Tina

Friday, July 6, 2007 10:47 AM CDT

I know 2 updates in 2 days, I am on a roll. I just have so much on my mind and you all know that this is my outlet so bear with me.

I don’t want to go into all of the details although I am sure you can piece together some of them but I am just about at my max emotional threshold.

I was home alone last night so I had some very good quality quiet time which I will share in a minute. I think part of the tension is from Hayden not being at home. I know I have a long way to go before he heads off to college. He has not even called home which is not like him and just tells me how busy that he is. I really am ready for Sunday to get here so he will be back home. Life’s just not the same without him around.

A while ago someone recommended a book called “One Year Book of Hope”. I never know what I am going to pull off of the shelf for quiet time but last night this is the book that I chose. It is a wonderful book that really helps in understanding suffering of any kind. Last night the subject was “The Greatest Tragedy”. (Luke 19:41-42; 44)

Tragedy is defined as a dramatic, disastrous event, especially one with moral significance.

The first question that the author asks you is “What would God label as a tragedy?” I know that you and I can list many of our ideas of tragedies that have gone on in our lives or in the lives of others. For me, that list seemed to be a mile long.

In the above scripture Jesus is walking through the streets of Jerusalem. The people are shouting his praises. Jesus was able to see through these superficial people and know that these would be the same people that would later shout for His demise. What was His response to these people? He wept! Yes, on more than one occasion Jesus wept. What would bring Him to tears? Eternal Death.

The last paragraph really put things back into perspective for me. There is no way that I can get on here and journal just how much my heart still aches for Stanton. It is there, every single moment of every single day. Yes, life goes on and I am going on with it but it is hard. Yes, if you ask my I would tell you that Stanton’s death was a tragedy in my life. But listen to this: “There is no tragedy in being ushered from this life to the next when that next life is spent in the presence of God.” Man, good stuff. “The only real tragedy is a life that ends without hope. When a person rejects the free gift of eternal life God has offered through his son, now that is a tragedy. That will bring God to tears!”

Yes, some really good stuff and a little different light on the subject. I am not even sure exactly how many people even still read this site but for those of you who do I encourage you to accept the gift that God has offered to all of us. I know for me that I look forward to spending eternity in the presence of God. Our time on this earth is just a blip in time compared to the time we will spend with God.

Thanks for letting me share a little this morning. Please say special prayers for our family as things are just tough right now. Thanks for your never ending support.

Redefining Tragedy
Tina

Thursday, July 5, 2007 9:54 AM CDT

Well, the black cloud continues. It just seems like my family cannot catch a break. Jamie called me Tuesday afternoon when she left the doctors office and they could not find a heartbeat on the baby. After an ultrasound confirmed her worst fear she was scheduled for a D&C that afternoon. She is doing okay physically but emotionally is another story. I too have had a miscarriage and I can tell you that it is unlike any other loss that I have experienced. It is so hard to explain it to someone who has never been through it. Please just continue to keep Jamie in your prayers.

Yesterday we had our annual 4th of July barbecue at mom’s house. The food was great but the fellowship was even better. The kids all had a great time and were filthy dirty when everyone left.

I have to tell you what Mary Claire said last night. She really does me a world of good and doesn’t even realize it. Mom said that when they were doing some fireworks one looked like a genie in a bottle. Mom asked her that if she could have one wish what would it be. (Keep in mind that she is only 7). She said “I wish Stancie was here to see this tonight”. I worry so much that people will forget as the years go on and it is times like this that I am reminded that this will never happen. I think we sometimes forget that Mary Claire and Stanton had such an amazing bond and I am so happy that she is not scared to talk about him.

Well, gotta get some work done.

Confused but still walking by Faith
Tina

Tuesday, July 3, 2007 1:37 PM CDT

Well, not much to report on here. Just trying to get things together here so I can be off tomorrow. We have had a big 4th of July for as long as I can remember.

Hayden left for Boys State yesterday. He has only been gone one day and I am ready for him to come home. I am going to be in trouble next year when he goes to college. Last night I suddenly realized why my parents go to bed so early. If there are no children to pick up after, talk to or to wait up on there is not a lot else to do.

We had a great time at Shake 4 Jake this weekend. I cannot even begin to describe the event put together by Staci, Don and Jake's Foundation. Incredible just does not seem to describe it. One thing for sure is that you would have never known it was their 1st big event.

Thank all of you who are praying for Coleson. It loooks like he will be getting his brothers cells on Thursday.

I need to get back to work. Thank you all as usual.

Walking by Faith
Tina

Wednesday, June 27, 2007 11:57 AM CDT

Words to describe the emotions of the days since my last entry are hard to come by. Emotional rollercoaster comes to mind first.

Last night Channel 3 was doing their live Dream Home broadcast from St. Jude’s. Just seeing the hospital inside and out is enough to bring back so many memories. Especially the 2 times we were interviewed by Jan Elkins and Rick Rowe. This TV station loves the kids of St. Jude’s and it is amazing to see the love from these TV personalities. I sat in the recliner in tears wishing I was still in Memphis. Sounds a little crazy huh?

We are gearing up for Shake 4 Jake this weekend. It is going to be so much fun. I am really looking forward to seeing the Raborn’s and Trish. To be such a close family for so long it is hard to get home home and not see these family members very often.

Now the part of this entry that will be the most difficult. A young lady from Minden was killed early Monday morning. Her name was Hannah and she was only 19 years old. She was a friend of Hayden’s and her brother is Hayden’s friend as well (he is the same age as Hayden). When something like this happens in such a small town it hits the entire community very hard. These kids have gone through so much already. When Hayden called and told me my first feeling was nausea. I thought about what her mother was going through. Each day I have relived the preparation for a funeral. I have relived the emotions. On the way home yesterday I was having a really hard time and one thing that came to my mind was “How in the world is her mother going to keep going?” Then it hit me like a ton of bricks, I am this mother, how in the world do I keep going? Needless to say their was a lot of reflection in those few minutes until I got home. I keep going by the grace of God alone. His love has been enough. Please pray for Mr. Cliff, Mrs. Kim (parents) and Hailey and Dane (siblings). I know that they have a very tough road ahead of them.

I have another special prayer request. Stanton had a friend named Coleson who was born about the same time as him. Coleson was born with Diamond Blackfan Anemia. He has received blood transfusions once a month for the 6 years of his life. He is at Texas Children’s in Houston preparing for a bone marrow transplant. His older brother, Cade will be the donor. He also has another sibling Cameron that needs some TLC. His website is www.caringbridge.org/la/coleson. Please go by there and tell them that Angel Stanton sent you.

I guess that is enough news for one day. Hayden and I will be attending Hannah’s funeral tomorrow. I am so proud of him that he wants to be their for Dane. I guess he will never cease to amaze me.

Going
Tina

Thursday, June 21, 2007 1:20 PM CDT

Good afternoon! Thought I would stop by for a minute to ask for prayer. There are so many people that need prayer more than me I very seldom ask but this time I thought I would ask. For some reason I am really having a hard time staying out of my pit that I worked so hard to get out of. It is not for lack of trying but nothing seems to be working these days. Work is stressful, home is stressful, I just can’t seem to get a break. Yesterday was a very intense counseling session, one of those where I got to hear what I needed to hear not what I wanted to hear. Needless to say it got my mind to going.

Hayden left yesterday on a spur of the moment trip to the beach with a friend. I am happy for him because he is going to have so much fun but it is so lonely when he is not around. It appears he will not be able to bring a friend when we go to the beach so I am glad he got this opportunity. Trace-thank you so much for including him in your plans. I sure hope he is good.

Jeff is still umpiring ball of all kinds and seems to be having a good time doing it. He has games lined up starting tonight all weekend. This of course is good for him but leaves me a lot of alone time which these days may or may not be such a good idea.

Some days I go back and read my journal entry from that day up to 3 years ago now. Sometimes I read the entry and can’t even believe that I wrote it and sometimes the entry feels like it was written today. I have copied a portion of the journal entry from 2004. It really hit home for me as a reminder that I needed to hear.

“Now for my devotional for the night. I have found that I can find inspiration in so many places and after my quiet time last night have so many journal ideas it was kind of hard to find where to start so I will start with a book that Stanton got in the mail (Thank you chemo angel Lori) called "Hermie, A Common Caterpillar" by Max Lucado. This is a story about a caterpillar named Hermie and a worm named Wormie who talk to God. They ask God why they are so common. God reminds them that he is not finished with them yet. They meet many different animals that God has blessed in different ways and continue asking God why they have not been blessed and why they are so common. Hermie finally tells God that it is okay that he is common and that God's love is all he needs to be special. Well as Hermie sleeps one night he becomes a beautiful butterfly. He realized that God had kept his promise, he just hadn't been finished with him yet. I love this book. We talk to Stanton all the time about how special he is because he has magic lines. I think of all the times we have looked to God and said "Why". Well this simple book is a reminder that God isn't finished with us yet. He isn't finished with Stanton he has bigger and better things waiting for him. He isn't finished with Jeff and I, we haven't accomplished all he needed us to during this journey, and he isn't finished with Hayden, he continues to grow in his spirituality. I have no doubt that God will finish this journey of our lives and we will all be like Hermie, Beautiful butterflies.”

I just love Max Lucado and all of his adult books but these children books and DVD’s are great. Obviously we can learn at all different ages. I do remember reading this to Stanton and how much he enjoyed it. He was wise beyond his years. He was just as we always told him so very special. So special that he was able to accomplish his mission of this earth in 4 short years. I just have to remember that just as I said 3 years ago, God is not finished with me yet.

Still on the journey
Tina

Tuesday, June 19, 2007 4:30 PM CDT

I know this is an odd time for me to be journaling but I had a break at work and didn’t want to start on another project.

This weekend was another full one for all of us. Jeff and I celebrated our 18th wedding anniversary Saturday. I think back those long 18 years and really can’t believe that we are where we are now. Both the good and the bad who we are now. We have managed to beat the statistics on several occasions and we know that it has been by God’s grace that this has happened. I thought back into when I thought life was stressful and I kind of have to laugh. Knowing stress like I do now I realize how insignificant our concerns were. Our life has not been the same since January 2, 2003 and will never be the same, again both good and bad. Jeff and I were told at the beginning of Stanton’s journey that a couple surviving a catastrophic illness of a child is difficult and often does not happen. Then we thought nothing of it but after living through these last years it is easy to see where this was true. Men and women are very different creatures and these differences really stand out when you are grieving (or so they have in our case). I am so blessed that Jeff has remained by my side even in the darkest of hours. I admit I have been something to live with, not always so nice but he hung in there. Jeff-I love you so very much! You are and always will be my very best friend.

I am sure you all know by now that Sunday was Father’s Day and of course with this day as so many others come so many emotions. We just tried to let Jeff has his day although he will disagree because I asked him to load the dishwasher.

I got this email today and I think I may have shared it before but I just felt like I needed to share it again. Probably more for my sake than anyone. You see, I have been hanging on for dear life trying to stay out of the pit that I spent so much time in. I know that any minute I can be right back there and it is not a fun place to be but there are just some emotions that you can’t stop. There is a lot changing in the world around me and I am struggling to keep up. SO here goes:

WHEN YOUR HUT'S ON FIRE

The only survivor of a shipwreck was washed up on a small,
uninhabited island. He prayed feverishly for God to rescue him.
Everyday he scanned the horizon for help, but none seemed forthcoming. Exhausted, he eventually managed to build a little hut out of driftwood to protect him from the elements, and to store his few possessions.

One day, after scavenging for food, he arrived home to find his
little hut in flames, with smoke rolling up to the sky. He felt the worst had happened, and everything was lost. He was stunned with disbelief, grief, and anger he cried out, "God! How could you do this to me?"

Early the next day, he was awakened by the sound of a ship
approaching the island! It had come to rescue him! "How did you know? I was here?" asked the weary man of his rescuers. "We saw your smoke signal," they replied.

The Moral of This Story:
It's easy to get discouraged when things are going bad, but we
shouldn't lose heart, because God is at work in our lives....even in the midst of our pain and suffering. Remember that the next time your little hut seems to be burning to the ground. It just may be a smoke signal that summons the Grace of God.

Pretty Sure my hut is burnt and on the ground
Tina

Wednesday, June 13, 2007 11:10 AM CDT

2 years and 4 months, could it have really been that long ago? Again, I sit here thinking about how the world keeps turning, days, weeks and years go on and yet if I could stop it I would. There is just something that is so hard knowing how much time has passed since we last got to hold Stanton. With the passing of time come the questions again. As hard as I try I just can’t seem to get focused today. I look up at the pictures and just can’t believe he is not at home waiting for me. UGH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I told you Monday that I had more news to share and I guess I have waited long enough. I am going to be an Aunt once again. Yes, I know it seems like this is becoming a trend but I really think this may be the end for a while. My sister is pregnant so Mary Claire and Elynn Kate will have a younger sibling. I think they really want a boy but I think it will be another girl, poor Scotty. Elynn Kate tells me that she is getting 2 babies and that is called twins so we will see. Once again I am happy for Jamie, Scotty and the girls but there is that part of me that realizes that this is yet another member of the family who will never know Stanton. I will never be able to sit with her and talk about him like I do with the girls. I guess that is the part that breaks my heart the most. No, he won’t be forgotten by all of us who knew him but he will not be known to anyone new.

As you can tell it was a most emotional weekend that I am still fighting to get through. I have gotten better about beating myself up about crying and getting upset. I am learning that it is just going to be a way of life for me.

Thank you all once again for listening to me whine again. You all are the best.

Still Broken
Tina

Monday, June 11, 2007 9:41 AM CDT

Wow! What a weekend! I hope everyone else had a great weekend. I have several things that happened that I want to share but I will start with the biggest news of all. Mary Claire went to her first church camp last week and had a blast but the most important part of the week is when she accepted Jesus into her heart. Now I have to confess that Aunt Tina fell a little short with this news the first time so let me explain. I had called to see how things went and she had to call me back. With water running in the background when she called I could not understand what she was telling me the very first sentence. I new by the sound of her voice it was something big, but after asking her to repeat herself many times I said “Really, Well”. She went on to tell me that she won the contest of eating chocolate pudding without her hands and of course I cheered enthusiastically. The next day when talking to mom she said “Did Mary Claire tell you about her spiritual birthday?” I knew then that I was in trouble. Jamie confirmed that yes, MC had told me and the yes, she said I just said “well”. Okay so I can’t be the perfect Aunt all of the time. Friday when I got home they were at my house swimming and mother asked MC to tell me again her big news because maybe I didn’t understand the night before. She jumped up out of the water and with a HUGE grin on her face she said “I am a Christian!” Of course this time I made a BIG ordeal. I told her that this was the coolest thing that she will ever do in her life.

Later that evening I was thinking about her response to becoming a Christian and how appropriate it was but not for just when we become a Christian but each and every day. When was the last time that you grinned with excitement when you told someone you were a Christian? Where does that excitement go? I know it reset some of my thinking and hopefully set me back in the right frame of mind. Needless to say I am so very proud of her.

I have more to report but need to get to work but at least maybe I will post more often this week.

Blessed Beyond Measure
Tina

Friday, June 8, 2007 2:21 PM CDT

Okay, so the updates are seeming to be random. I guess that is so that you can get a true feel of who I am these days “random”. I am sitting here at work trying to stay focused. I have the HUGEEEEEEEE project that I am working on and I have to be very focused which for me at times can be very difficult. This would be the big reason why I am loving my mother’s day present so much (IPOD). I sit here listening to music trying to pretend that there is not really a world out there that is still turning. Believe it or not it works most of the time but today I guess I am a little more scattered because I am having trouble bringing all of my thoughts together so I can shut them down for a while.

As you know, anytime I try to focus on anything, there is one person that continues to come to my mind, Stanton. Today would be no exception. I really don’t know how to explain it except for that there are still some days when the sorrow and grief feel like they are suffocating you and it is all you can do to breath. I was getting this feeling and a song came on which in turn caused this journal entry. It is song that has been out forever and that I have listened to millions (okay maybe a bit exaggerated) of times without much thought. Today was different. Here is the song:

"The Dance"

Looking back on the memory of
The dance we shared 'neath the stars above
For a moment all the world was right
How could I have known that you'd ever say goodbye

And now I'm glad I didn't know
The way it all would end the way it all would go
Our lives are better left to chance I could have missed the pain
But I'd have had to miss the dance

Holding you I held everything
For a moment wasn't I a king
But if I'd only known how the king would fall
Hey who's to say you know I might have changed it all

And now I'm glad I didn't know
The way it all would end the way it all would go
Our lives are better left to chance I could have missed the pain
But I'd have had to miss the dance

Yes my life is better left to chance
I could have missed the pain but I'd have had to miss the dance

Of course I couldn’t’ just listen to it, my mind had to wander as I thought about the lyrics and how they could pertain to my journey so far. The one point that I want to share with you that this song made me think about was no matter what we think we want and what we think is best for our lives, God doesn’t have to think about it. He KNOWS what is best for us. Sometimes his answer may be far greater than anything we could have imagined.

As for me I am so blessed and grateful that God let me “dance” with my precious angel if only for 4 short years. Yes, I would have missed the pain but I would have had to miss the dance.

Stanton-I love you so much and miss you that much more. I know that you know you are never far from my thoughts. I am always wondering what you would be like all big and 6 years old. Daddy and I often talk about it and the things we think you would enjoy. I know I don’t write often just really felt the need to today. I love you all the way to heaven and back!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

As for our weekend it is pretty busy. Jeff is umpiring some and playing ball some. Hayden is working some, playing some but most importantly he is taking his ACT in the morning so any additional prayers during that time would be appreciated.

As for me you ask, well I am going to lay around the pool a while, rest a while, do laundry a while, I guess you get the picture. I do have an exciting evening planned tomorrow evening, my niece, Hollan, has her dance recital tomorrow night. So I get to go watch her and others dance. (Have you now figured out why Jeff and Hayden are so busy?) Let’s just say Jeff is very glad that he had boys.

I hope you all have a great weekend with many blessings. I am sure I will.

Still enjoying the dance
Tina

Wednesday, June 6, 2007 9:39 AM CDT

Oh my goodness I didn’t realize it had been so long. I guess that tells you just a little of how busy things have been around here.

I really don’t have much to share today. Although things have been busy it has just been everyday normal life stuff. Hayden did have a great time at his HOBY Conference. He is now into lifeguarding full swing. I am just glad he is staying busy.

Once again, I bet not many of you remember what was going on in your life exactly 2 years ago today. I guess you know by now that when I start a paragraph like that I am going to tell you that I remember. 2 years ago today Emma Grace joined Stanton in heaven. It is one of those moments that I can relive every single detail. If you get a chance stop by and let Trish know that we haven’t forgotten.

I can’t believe I forgot to tell you that there were 2 rainbows this weekend. They were of course timed perfectly. I can just imagine the kids in heaven fighting over the paint.

Still hanging in there
Tina

Wednesday, May 30, 2007 2:14 PM CDT

I know it has been forever (or at least it seemed that long) since I have updated. I don’t really have a great reason just a lack of things to say I guess. Life continues to go on at a very rapid rate of speed.

There have been many reminders of Stanton this last week. Not that he is ever far from my mind, this week has just brought many many reminders. I sometimes just stop and think about what life would be like if he were still here (and oh how I wish he were still here). As I think about this I am reminded to not take a single moment for granted. Stanton surely didn’t. It just still seems so surreal that life goes on although he is not still here. Like I have said many times before, I will never get over his loss, I will just have to learn to live with the pain.

School is out for Hayden and he is very excited. He has a pretty big summer planned. He will be at Centenary College this weekend participating in the HOBY (Hugh O’Brien Youth Leadership) program as a junior counselor. He went as an ambassador last year and had a great time so I know this year will be good.

He will also start lifeguarding again as soon as he gets back. He tells everyone that he has to work 4 jobs (poor pitiful Hayden) this summer.

As for Jeff and I we don’t have any big plans. I have been enjoying our swimming pool. I guess Jeff has too he just likes to swim in the evening and I like to be out when the sun is out. He did get a little sun Sunday while swimming with Hollan, Coltan, Haynes and Maddox. I love watching all of the kids getting to enjoy the pool. That is one of the main reasons why I wanted it.

I can tell that there are still a few of you still checking on us. Thank you so much for your ongoing support and prayers. Each and everyone of the prayers is felt by us.

Missing my Baby
Tina

Wednesday, May 23, 2007 9:47 AM CDT

Well it has been a while once again. Things in my world just seem to be going at a record pace. It seems that there is something every day.

Last Friday was graduation at Minden High School. With so many of these being friends of Hayden’s I had to be there and I was sure glad that I went. Their class did something that will forever stand out in my mind. Casey Beavers was a St. Jude patient that was at St. Jude when we were and he was also a classmate of theirs. Casey earned his wings the same year that Stanton did. At the ceremony they left an empty chair where Casey should have been sitting and during one of the speakers they talked about Casey and his bravery. What a testament to how these kids change lives. From a mother whose worst fear is someone forgetting Stanton, I can tell you all how very much that must have meant to Casey’s family. You all are a very special class of Seniors!!!!!!!!

Last night was Hayden’s spring scrimmage. I guess he did okay. I know so very little about what is really supposed to happen that I have to ask Jeff really how he did. It was good to cheer for a football game again though.

While checking on some of my caringbridge friends I found out that one of Stanton’s buddies has relapsed. Her name is Hallie (la/hallie) and she is from Louisiana. Please stop by and visit her and add her and her family to your prayers. We spent a lot of time with them in Memphis our first trip there.

Tomorrow is the last day of school so of course I have to ask for prayers for a safe summer for all of the kids. Hayden has a lot on his plate so his summer should be full.

Thanks as always for all of your prayers and support.

In Him
Tina

Friday, May 18, 2007 2:40 PM CDT

I just noticed that I had not journaled all week. Oops!! It has been one very busy week. One of my key employees lost her mother last week so she has been off. We have been trying to keep her work up but it has taken all of us and we have been very very busy.

Other than that not much has happened this week. I had a GREAT session with my counselor this week. They are all very good but some weeks are just better than others. He has a very unique ability to read me pretty good and then to tell me exactly what I need to hear. Not always what I want to hear.

Last night a very special cousin graduated from high school. It seems like just yesterday they were toddlers. Walker-we are all so very proud of you. I know you will be great with whatever you decide the future holds for you. Love you!!!!!

Tonight is Minden High’s graduation. I have several special kids that will graduate tonight. Again, it seems like just yesterday these kids were so small. It is really hard to believe that we will be doing this with Hayden next year.

I guess the biggest piece of advice I could give to any of those who will be starting a new part of their life is to always look to God for the answers. He has a plan for you and I promise you it is even better than what you may have planned for yourself.

Hope you all have a great weekend!

Thankful for the Memories
Tina

Monday, May 14, 2007 10:32 AM CDT

I’m back after a couple of very much needed days off. Not having updated over the last few days I have so much to share with you.

Thursday I took the day off to attend my mother’s retirement ceremony and reception. At one point I was unsure if I would be able to be there and now I am so thankful that I was there. The school did an incredible job honoring mother. All of the grades did something different and it was really special to hear everyone talk about the things that she has accomplished although I will share with you, Jamie and I were not listed in those accomplishments, just her 4 grandchildren (imagine that?). I won’t lie so I have to tell you that there was one portion of the ceremony that touched me to the core. The teachers built a flower bed (okay so maybe Mike and Hayden built the flower bed) around the tulip tree that was planted in memory of Stanton and during the ceremony mother was presented with a memorial plaque to place in this bed. How special is that the teachers did not forget Stanton and all that he still means to so many of us. For every one that was involved in the program or reception, thank you so much for making this a very special day.

Friday was spent cleaning my house for a senior party that I had there that afternoon. The cleaning was no fun but the party turned out okay. It also feels good to have the house good and clean.

Saturday I was not quite sure what to do since I had no house to clean so I decided to enjoy our swimming pool. Talk about relaxing. If you can’t find me on a Saturday or Sunday afternoon chances are I am on a raft in the pool. I laid there for 3 hours with the music playing and the waterfalls going. I am even guilty of falling asleep for a little while. The problem is I didn’t wear sunscreen so I am paying the price.

Now for Mother’s Day, this day was as hard as it has been the last 3 years. Can you believe it was my 3rd mother’s day without him? I couldn’t. It is really hard to tell you exactly how I feel on this day. Part of me feels like half of a mother which is not really fair to Hayden because I am still his complete mother. This could get very confusing so let’s just say it is still very hard and I still miss my baby very much! We spent the afternoon in the pool again but I did not lay out this time, I was playing with Mary Claire and Elynn Kate. Hayden, Kendall. Brooke, Dakota. Mom and Jamie were also there. This really was the perfect way for me to spend this afternoon.

Thank you for all of the Mother’s Day wishes. It really does me so much good to see all of the entries in the guestbook.

With a Huge Hole in my Heart
Tina

Tuesday, May 8, 2007 9:41 AM CDT

Two days in a row, kind of feels like old times doesn’t it.

I heard a song on the radio this morning and just couldn’t wait to share it with you. Mercy Me has come out with yet another song that speaks directly to my heart.

"Bring The Rain"

I can count a million times
People asking me how I
Can praise You with all that I've gone through
The question just amazes me
Can circumstances possibly
Change who I forever am in You
Maybe since my life was changed
Long before these rainy days
It's never really ever crossed my mind
To turn my back on you, oh Lord
My only shelter from the storm
But instead I draw closer through these times
So I pray

Bring me joy, bring me peace
Bring the chance to be free
Bring me anything that brings You glory
And I know there'll be days
When this life brings me pain
But if that's what it takes to praise You
Jesus, bring the rain

I am Yours regardless of
The dark clouds that may loom above
Because You are much greater than my pain
You who made a way for me
By suffering Your destiny
So tell me what's a little rain
So I pray

Holy, holy, holy
Is the Lord God Almighty

Oh boy this is a good one. I talked this weekend about the fact that there were people and continue to be people who do not understand how we continue to praise God although things haven’t gone so great for us. It has always been a pretty easy question for me to answer. You see there has been a great deal of pain but through the pain God is still the one who manages to get me out of bed each morning. He continues to carry me on the days when I don’t think I can walk another step. He holds me when I am sad and catches every tear that I cry. Pain or no pain, God is good.

Well I have to run. Hope you all have a great day!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Standing in the Rain
Tina

Monday, May 7, 2007 11:34 AM CDT

Okay! I know you think I have disappeared off of the face of the earth but I am still here. Although I will tell you that there were a couple of days last week I felt like I had fallen off of something. I am still having problems with my eyes (yes it is plural now). I am seeing a specialist and he has diagnosed me with “chronic dry eyes”. I am on a ton of eye lubricants, eye drops and an oral antibiotic (that is not really agreeing with me) to try to fix the ulcer in my left eye and to try to prevent this from happening again. I have to admit that when I first saw the commercial for Restasis I laughed and made the comment “who would pay a lot of money to make tears?” I have to eat my words because that person would be me. Yes, believe it or not I do not make tears. I have learned that there are 2 kinds of tears, the ones you cry (I obviously have plenty of these) and the kind that keep your eyes moist (I have none of these). The sad thing is that they have been so dry for so long I thought the feeling was normal. I cannot wear my contacts and may never be able to again and my glasses prescription is pretty old so let’s just say I am not seeing very well right now. Okay, I have gone on enough about my eye problems so please just say a prayer that this will soon heal and that my eyes will feel better.

We had a pretty busy weekend at our house. It seemed like all of us went in different directions. Saturday was the “Cruisin for a Cure” car show in Minden. Schelly Brown has done an incredible job organizing this event year after year and this years show appeared to be a HUGE success. Mom and I got a chance to go by Saturday morning and look at all of the cars. It was great to see so many people out at the fairgrounds and it was great to see that it did not rain.

Saturday evening I had the pleasure of speaking at a mother/daughter banquet in Columbia, Louisiana. A faithful prayer warrior helped to arrange this and I had a great time. You all know that I love to speak at different functions and do this often but I have to say that having the opportunity to share all that God has done in my life is by far my favorite subject. For all of the mothers and daughters that were there, I truly enjoyed getting to spend this evening with you. For the men who served us, you all did an incredible job. Thank you all so much for the opportunity to come and speak.

One thing that I have to mention because it really was brought to the front of my mind this weekend while preparing my notes, is about unconditional love. You see, this was the theme of the evening which I thought was very appropriate for a mother daughter banquet. When I thought about the idea of unconditional love and realized that really the only person that can really love unconditionally is God Himself. We as humans do not have the ability to love “absolutely”. When I thought about this it took my mind to a place where I thought about how much I love my children, Hayden and Stanton. I love them with every ounce of my being but as much as I love them, God loves them more. It is beyond my imagination just how much this can be. I know that everything happens for a reason and I really believe that this opportunity to speak was an opportunity from God and an opportunity for me to get my mind back in the right direction.

Tomorrow evening Hayden will be getting his senior ring. My baby is growing up. He had the honor of being on the ring staff which helps get the ceremony together. They have worked pretty hard and it was really fun last night to see the excitement in his eyes and in his voice. I really couldn’t be prouder of the man he is growing up to be. He has taken the trials he has gone through and really used them to become a better person. Hayden-I love you so much and am very proud of you. I can’t wait to see how all of the hard work has paid off tomorrow night.

As always thank you all for your continued support and prayers.

Loved Beyond My Comprehension
Tina

Tuesday, May 1, 2007 11:15 AM CDT

Okay, I think I have figured you all out. You boycott the guestbook when I don’t update for a couple of days. Just kidding, I know you all are as busy as we are. I know you are all waiting on an update on the baby so I thought I would check in.

Baby Hadley got to come home on Sunday. She is still a little jaundice but all of her other problems worked themselves out. I know Dana is so glad to be back home with the entire family and I am sure Hadley will figure it all out soon. I think she is just going to have to learn to go with the flow but I think she is already letting them know that things are going to be her way or no way.

I am heading to see Dr. Lusk in a few minutes for my eye. It has gotten worse since last week and is really not healing well. Dr. Spurlock thinks it is either a resistant bacteria or a fungus. All I heard is that he was going to have to culture it and I lost interest. Nothing about that sounds like it feels good.

Ball season is underway and I have enjoyed getting to watch Mary Claire and Elynn Kate play ball. I still have to watch Haynes, Hollan (which is tonight), and Coltan to make the rounds. I have plenty of time to do all of it because Jeff and Hayden are umpiring.

Well, I need to run. I promise a better update later.

In Him
Tina

Friday, April 27, 2007 11:51 AM CDT

Oh my goodness this week has flown by. It has been a very busy, eventful week around out house. I have been back and forth to work all week because our state convention is in town so tried to do a little of it all.

In the middle of all of this the newest addition to our family decided that it was time for her arrival. My niece, Hadley Cortlan Haynes was born Wed. at 4:39. She weighed 7 lbs. 10 ozs. and she has a head full of hair, dark dark hair not red like the others. She is beautiful to say the least and no I am not a little biased.

She was about 3 weeks early and decided to give us a little scare. She wasn’t exhaling very well on her own so they were forced to intubate her and ship her to the NICU at Sutton’s Children’s Hospital. She since is doing pretty good and working her way to being able to go home.

So it goes without saying that I need all of our wonderful prayer warriors to say special prayers for Hadley, that she will continue to get stronger, for Dana (she left the hospital to go be with Hadley about 5 hours after delivery) that she will continue to heal and for her emotional well being as it is so hard to watch your baby be sick, for Hank as he does not do hospitals well, for Hollan and Coltan. A special prayer for Coltan might be nice as he is old enough to understand more of what is going on. Hayden has been talking to him and giving him an outlet. Needless to say, Hayden continues to amaze me.

Dana and I talked about how our levels of knowledge and intensity have grown since Stanton’s illness. Before, we lived a world of “things like that just don’t happen to us” and now we live in a world where we see how bad things can happen to anyone. It really makes weeks like this just a hair more stressful I think.

I can’t end this journal without saying a special thank you to Dana and Hank. Thank you so much for allowing me to be a part of Hadley’s delivery. I know there are many people that would have loved the honor. It meant so much to me to be able to be there and to hear her first cry. (Dana you really made it look pretty easy) You know that one of my biggest regrets is not being there when Hollan was born. Thank you again for letting me be a part and for letting me spoil all of your children. I love you both,

I guess I need to get back to work so I can finish and get back to the hospital. Hope you all have a great weekend.

Blessed again
Tina

Tuesday, April 24, 2007 11:47 AM CDT

Okay, I apologize before I ever get started with this entry. Time these days seems to be difficult to come by so I will not be able to do an update today. My goal is to come back and update before the end of the week. Just didn't want you to get worried. I hope you all have a GREAT week.

In Him
Tina

Friday, April 20, 2007 10:30 AM CDT

Okay, back to the weekend. Saturday would start off with hurdle #3. Nancy, angel Allie’s mom, and crew were at the Ronald McDonald House cooking and serving breakfast. So, we decided to go over and help out a little but more importantly to see Nancy and to eat breakfast. It was great as usual to see Nancy and as always she was in high gear. He hurdle would come as soon as we got there. You see, I had never been back to RMH any farther than the manager’s office. I can’t even pretend to tell you that sitting in the dining room was an easy task, part of it felt so good because it felt like we were picking up where we left off but then the other part was so broken that the key players in this situation were missing.

That afternoon we had the Service of Remembrance which was beautiful. I think Chris said it best though, “There is nothing like feeling like we have lost them all over again.” Don’t get me wrong I loved the service but to see the kids that have earned their wings because of this terrible disease is heart wrenching. With every picture that they showed you knew that there was a mom and a dad and possibly siblings that had been touched. I guess that is where I get a little angry. They changed things up a bit and instead of releasing balloons they released white doves. This turned out to be really neat. Although this marked the end of the activities at St. Jude we were not quite through spending time together.

It just so happened (and you know that I don’t believe in coincidences) that something happened to the schedule with the Lauren King Ministries which put them a weekend behind which would prove to be to our benefit. You see, this made there trip to the RMH while we were there. All of us who had lived at the house and had gotten to enjoy the fellowship and the food that Larron and Anita provided knew exactly where we would be spending Saturday evening. For those of you who don’t remember Larron and Anita started this ministry after their little girl earned her angel wings somewhere around 10 years ago. They come to the RMH once a month and provide supper and a worship/fellowship time. They became very dear friends of ours as their worship time became such an important part of our lives. Back then I could have never imagined just how hard what they did each month must have been for them. Unfortunately now I know and Larron will not take credit for it, he gives God all of the credit for his strength. This evening would provide for hurdles # 4, 5 and 6. The first hurdle being just seeing the King’s again. I have not seen them since Stanton’s Celebration Service. Once again, they were people that God placed in my path that He knew I would need in the years to come. Hurdle number 5 would be walking down the hall to the meditation room, past the room where we spent so many months and made so many memories. As I stopped to look at the plaque on the wall in Stanton’s memory it was all I could do not to knock and just see if I could go in and sit a spell. No, I didn’t do it. Hurdle # 6 would be the meditation room itself. I can’t tell you how many hours we spent with groups in this room worshiping and praying or how many times we would go down there with Trish and sing. Right outside the door of the meditation room is a place that I would go for quiet time often. I could sit there with just the sound of the fountain running. Other times Stanton would go out there and fish in the fountain. No, he never caught any fish but he always had fun. I guess this would bring me to hurdle # 7 (no wonder I was so tired when we got home) the actual service with Larron. Trish, Chris and I took our front row seats and talk about feeling like old times. This couple of hours would prove to be the most difficult yet healing hours of the entire weekend for me. I know several times I looked back at the door expecting Stanton and Emma Grace to come running in to make their grand entrance. It felt that real. I guess you have figured out that this did not happen. We were welcomed by several of the families that are living in the house now. You never know how someone is going to respond to you coming back like we did but it was a very positive experience. The whole RMH thing was a big step for me. I know my heart stopped many times when out of the corner of my eye I would catch a little bald head running around.

After the worship time Jeff and I went to spend the night at a friend’s house. Hayden gone home with them earlier. He had had all that he could take for a weekend. Unlike me, Hayden knows his boundaries very well. We got to visit a while before heading off to bed. Sunday morning we would get up, go to breakfast, and then head home. This is the absolute worst part of the trip to Memphis for me. I usually cry all the way across the Mississippi bridge. Why you ask? There is still such a part of me that feels like I am leaving Stanton behind. It is just not yet natural to come home without him. I know I know that is not the case but so many memories were made in Memphis, maybe more than we made at home that it is just very hard to leave.

Back at home we begin trying to get back into the real world which is always hard. Monday Hayden had his interview for Boys State which if he gets picked will be a neat experience for him. He also started on of his summer jobs, umpiring which he is also enjoying. Jeff is even umpiring some games as well. I think he really wanted to do something with the kids and his choice would be to umpire or coach so he picked umpiring. He came home last night talking about how he umpired the boys that were in our very first one year old Sunday school class many years ago. Where does time go?

I hope you all have a great weekend. I am sure we will, the weather is supposed to be beautiful.

Broken, but still Blessed
Tina

Thursday, April 19, 2007 11:40 AM CDT

First of all I have to apologize for going MIA. There is an explanation though, I got another ulcer in my eye right before we left for Memphis. The drops did not work so well so the ulcer got worse. I spent the first 2 days of the week at home letting it rest and yesterday playing catch-up at work. I am still not seeing very well, so please excuse the many typo’s. Okay now on to the weekend.

An emotional rollercoaster-yeah maybe that’s it. I am just sitting here trying to decide how to best describe this weekend. As hard as I will try there is no way that I can put into words the full range of emotions involved.

We left out early Friday morning with the weather not looking so great. Luckily we made it to Memphis before the rain started. Before we left several people asked me how I was able to go back to the hospital. For some reason, well I guess I know the reason, going back has never been hard. There have been limits though as to how far I could go. I think I have now covered most of the bases except for the 2nd floor. Friday afternoon is my favorite activity of the weekend, a reception where we get to see and visit with everyone. Before the reception we stopped at the hotel to change clothes and to meet u p with Trish. Boy did it feel good to get a hug from her. She looks FABULOUS! Eli also looked great. He had grown a ton!

Before I write about the reception I have to tell you about hurdle #1. I couldn’t wait to see Chris, Angel Christal’s mother www.christalinfo.com but I knew it would be hard because it would be then that reality would hit. You see this is the first time I have seen Chris without Christal. I guess until now I could just pretend that they were all in Florida living happily ever after. Although the emotions were so real, it did feel good to have the 3 of us back together again. More than once through the weekend it felt like we were going to turn around and Stanton, Emma Grace and Christal would be there playing.

The reception was great. We enjoyed seeing and visiting with the other families and the St. Jude staff that had become more like family. Of course the day would not have been complete without seeing Sandy and Dr. Furman. These are 2 people who will forever hold a special place in our heart. For 2+ years they treated Stanton like he was their only patient. Stanton definitely had a sense of trust where they were concerned although there were many times when he made their jobs very difficult. Once I started visiting with them it felt like we had never left Memphis.

Actually it was kind of amazing how many times during the weekend that it felt so natural to be there and not like we were just visiting.

Friday night a bunch of us went to hurdle # 2, Spaghetti Warehouse, for supper. This was one of the kids favorite places to eat. I guess for Stanton it was not so much about the food as it was the fact that they could run and play like they owned the place. The owners are huge supporters of St. Jude and welcome the families. They had video games that Stanton would play for hours. He and his friends knew that they just had to check in with us. I will never forget the night we went there to eat with Trish and Mimi Sharyn. Stanton ordered his usual mac-n-cheese but when they brought it out it was not in a black bowl. You see he had his dining establishments mixed up. Outback serves mac-n-cheese in a black bowl. Well trying to satisfy a 3 year old we asked for a black bowl. Can you believe that this restaurant had nothing that even resembled a black bowl, although it was not for their lack of trying. That night Mimi Sharyn went and got some black bowls so that this was never a problem again.

We enjoyed good food and even better company before we decided to retire and call it a night, well almost. Trish, Chris and I visited for a while when we got back to the hotel. Once again it felt just like old times minus 3 BIG important factors.

I could keep going but I will wait and journal the rest of the trip tomorrow. Guess I feel like keeping you hanging, no that is not it. My eye has had enough of the computer for now.

By His Grace Alone
Tina

Thursday, April 12, 2007 12:13 AM CDT

Just a quick update to ask for some special prayers this weekend. Jeff, Hayden and I will be traveling to Memphis for Day of Remembrance where we will spend the weekend honoring Stanton and all of his angel friends. I will say I am very excited to see some of my dearest friends but I know it will be a very emotional weekend. Please say a special prayer for all of us who will be traveling to Memphis. I always know I can count on you.

In Him
Tina

Tuesday, April 10, 2007 11:43 AM CDT

I have sat here all morning trying to figure out if I should journal today or not. It is really not the journaling part that I am thinking about but exactly what to journal about. I wish I could have this really upbeat entry that talks about how great or weekend was but I just can’t do it. Therefore I have debated on rather to tell you about the weekend or just leave it alone. Knowing the great support system that you all are I will share but I am warning you now if you are looking for warm and fuzzy you may not want to read much farther.

I guess that holidays will always be hard. They seem to be getting harder rather than easier. Friday night I began the anxious dread of the next day. You see on the Saturday before Easter we have had a HUGE family egg hunt for as long as I can remember. When we quit having it at my grandmothers my mother picked up the tradition and it has grown into family and friends, which is great, don’t get me wrong.

As always Hayden continues to amaze me just as he did Saturday morning. He wouldn’t dye eggs with me Friday night but Saturday morning he and a friend got up and picked up Mary Claire and made confetti eggs. Mary Claire had a blast and I was so glad that Hayden included her. My daddy didn’t even go into convulsions when they got confetti all over the back porch and for those of you who know my dad you know this is a BIG deal.

There were lots of kids to hunt the 280 plus eggs that were hidden in mom’s yard. I did enjoy watching them all but I would be lying if I said that I didn’t think about Stanton a million times. What would I have dressed him in? How much fun would he be having? I think you get the idea. We usually release balloons on occasions like these but the purchasing of the balloons got neglected so there were no balloons which was another big stressor for me. How could I have not gotten Stanton balloons?

Sunday would prove to be much of the same thoughts. Seeing all of the kids dressed in their new Easter clothes again hit a nerve. I think in church I just did all I could to be there and look like I was okay while feeling inside that I was far from okay.

Brother Wayne preached a sermon on the building blocks of a strong family and he got to the end and one thing he said was to “make memories”. He stressed the importance of this in your children’s lives. My mind couldn’t help but stray into thinking that memories are all we have of Stanton now. We were blessed to have made so many special memories that we will hold near to our hearts for the rest of our lives.

I know this has not been an uplifting journal and I don’t want anyone to think that in the midst of all of my struggling that I forgot the reason for the weekend. In fact the opposite is true, I thought more about the meaning that usual. This weekend was a very vivid reminder for me that I will again one day see Stanton and that is only because God sent HIS son to this terrible world so that we could have eternal life. I will never lose focus of this.

I am sorry that this entry seems so negative but I have thought about it and me telling you what I think you want to hear is not what this journal is for. I wish more than anything I could get on here and tell you how great life is but for me right now it is just not that great. There are a few upcoming dates that will be hard and maybe in between them I can find some true happiness again. Until then I just need you prayer warriors to keep me, Jeff and Hayden in your prayers.

Blessed but still so Broken
Tina

Thursday, April 5, 2007 10:37 AM CDT

I know I am long overdue for an update but there just has not been much to report.

I have had a student with me at work this week and I won’t mention her name because not everybody likes their life posted for the world to read, but she has been great and so much fun to have around. I love seeing the students come through just getting a handle on what they have spent 4 years learning how to do.

On top of that, I have not felt really great this week. Nothing to be to alarmed about yet, but sure worth an extra prayer or two.

This weekend is one of those very bittersweet weekends for me. I think I have a greater appreciation for the Easter Holiday now. I know what it feels like to lose a child and to know that God willingly gave His Son for me is just a very humbling thought for me and for the weekend to be devoted to that event makes it a very special one. I like that Easter is not so commercialized that people forget the meaning. The bitter part will come in looking at all of the children dressed up so cute. If you knew me I loved to dress my boys up. I guess Stanton would probably be old enough to tell me that he wasn’t going to be dressed like a girl though.

We have a big get together at my mom’s house on Saturday where we will have family and friends over. Where Christmas was my mamaw’s favorite holiday, Easter is my papaw’s. He loved to help us find the Easter eggs. We would sometimes hide as many as 400 to 500 eggs. Yes, he would be finding them for weeks but he never minded. I hope that he gets to enjoy it as much this year. As for me I know I will because as my sister Trish would tell me “I can hide my own eggs” as a statement to my sanity these days.

I hope you all have a blessed weekend with family and friends as well. Be sure and stop to remember what the fuss is all about and how blessed we are to have a Father that loves us so much!

Healed By His Wounds
Tina

Monday, April 2, 2007 11:02 AM CDT

Good Monday morning all! I am trying to be happy and chipper so that maybe I can stay awake! I have no idea why I am so sleepy but I am.

We had a big weekend although the rain try to through a knot in things we still prevailed. Elynn Kate’s party had to be moved until Sunday afternoon but it worked out good and the weather was beautiful. Saturday afternoon we had Dana’s shower. She got a lot of cute things. I do believe that Hollan is going to be one jealous big sister. She is so funny and has been the center of attention for so long this could get interesting.

Sunday morning was a hard one. Not Sunday School but Church. Brother Wayne preached on the Hard Questions of Unanswered Prayer. Boy did this hit home and not for the reason you would think is obvious. He mentioned things that didn’t seem fair and didn’t seem like something a loving God would let happen. One of his examples was a little boy with cancer. Ugh!!!!!!! Punch number one in the stomach. I think you all know me well enough by now to know that if you asked me if God answered my prayers I would say “yes”. No, not the way I wanted Him to answer them obviously but they were answered. Brother Wayne talked about healing and how yes, God does have the power to perform miraculous healing, if it is part of His plan. Stanton was and is COMPLETELY healed. I know that and believe that with all of my heart. What God looks for in some of His answered prayers is our response to those answers. Do you lose faith or do you keep believing in God and His promises? I have to say that during our journey I have met some of the most amazing people of faith. No matter what the circumstance they keep praising God for his goodness. The first person that comes to mind is my sister, Trish. She has endured more than any one person should have to in a lifetime and has she turned her back on God? No, just the opposite she continues to believe in Him and His promise to her. I am not going to sit here and tell you that it is easy but it is worth the rewards.

Now, you may ask, if God is going to do things his way anyway why should I still pray? God is still in the miracle making business and if I think that just one pray I pray might make a difference than you can bet I am going to continue to ask God for the blessings that I want.

Just about the time I was regrouping and didn’t have a continual stream of tears Brother Wayne talked about Daniel and the Lion’s Den. If you don’t know, this was one of the bible stories that Stanton knew and would tell often. UGH!!!!!!!!!!!! Punch number 2!

Don’t get me wrong, the sermon was great just a hard one to hear. There are so many things that I know in my heart and in my head I just don’t hear them in my ears very often.

Sunday afternoon was Elynn Kate’s birthday party. She was convinced that she was turning 4 at her party. I tried to convince her that she really turned 4 on Thursday but she was not buying it. If you have ever tried arguing with Jamie, multiply this times 10 and you can see that I was not going to get anywhere with Elynn Kate. The party was so cute and she had a good number of friends come. They are so cute!!!!!!!!!
I guess I better get on and do some work. Thank you all for your continued love and support.

Blessed,
Tina

Wednesday, March 28, 2007 10:14 AM CDT

Did anyone who lives in the Shreveport/Bossier area see the rainbow yesterday???????

It was a very busy day at work and we spent all afternoon going up and down the stairs for the tornado warnings. I don’t know for sure how many there were but there were several. I also don’t know about any damage that was done in the surrounding areas but I haven’t heard of any fatalities. So, I was working and watching the weather on the computer trying to figure out the best time to leave and make it home in between storms. When I left it was raining pretty hard but the sun was out. When I looked in front of me there was the most perfect rainbow I have ever seen. You could see a full arch and the colors were so vibrant that you could tell every color. I could see it for a very long time through all of the raindrops. I had to call Jamie and tell her that Stanton had sent her the most perfect birthday present of all. Stanton loved his “NeNe”. We never knew why he called her that but he did and nobody dared to try to change it. Now I am really glad that he didn’t because it was something special between he and Jamie.

Tomorrow is Elynn Kate’s birthday. She will be 4. It is really hard to believe that she is getting so big. I have tried no to think about it too much because it really is hard knowing that tomorrow she will be an age that Stanton never was. He will always the age she is today. I know that may not make a lot of sense, my mind is a little crazy at times. It just seems like yesterday that they were calling me early in the morning to tell me Elynn Kate had been born. This was a very emotional day for me in Memphis. I hated not being there for the birth of my niece (this was the 2nd one I had missed). I always hoped that the fact I was not in Minden for a good portion of EK’s infant time would not stop us from bonding. It did take a little longer for her to love me as much as Mary Claire but now I see nothing can stop a child’s unconditional love. She is always wanting to come home with me now. Happy Birthday Elynn Kate! “T” loves you so much!

I don’t know if I will get a chance to update tomorrow so if not I hope you all have a great weekend. Mine is going to be pretty busy. Elynn Kate’s birthday party is Saturday morning. I am helping to give Dana a baby shower Saturday afternoon. I missed her shower for Hollan because we left for Memphis a few days before. I am not planning on missing the shower or the birth of my newest niece.

By His Grace Alone
Tina

Tuesday, March 27, 2007 11:14 AM CDT

I’m back!!!!!!!! Sorry for not updating yesterday things have just been crazy wild with me. I hope you all had a great weekend. Ours was good.

Friday night we had lots of kids over swimming. Yes, I said swimming. Hayden has always loved to entertain so that is what he did. He grilled hamburgers and I think they all had a good time. I love having a lot of kids around, especially his friends because they are all so sweet. I told Jeff that I could get use to the kids there swimming with the music playing loud. I hope they don’t get tired of it.

Saturday was a busy day for me. I got up that morning and went and watched one of my adopted nieces in a beauty pageant. Gracie is 4 and she looked so cute! She got 2nd runner up and personally I thought she should have won. As time goes on I am continually reminded how blessed I am to have boys. I just don’t think I would have done well with girls. Angela-thank you for inviting me to watch Gracie. I love getting to be a part of her and Zachary’s life.

That afternoon I was going to watch a soccer game but when I stopped by the house it was just so pretty I decided to sit by the pool and read. A little sunshine never hurt anyone. Mary Claire didn’t play much though because she wasn’t quite as strong as she thought she was. Jamie did say last night that she seemed to be back to her usual self and evergy level.

Of course Saturday night was the big night. Hayden looked so handsome all dressed up. If I can figure out how to put a picture I will try. I didn’t rest much that night a little anxious when things like this are going on. He made it home safe and sound and I was able to breathe a little easier. I think he had a pretty good time.

Today is my little sisters birthday. When I thought about how old she is I felt so OLD!!! Happy Birthday Jamie, I hope you have a wonderful day.

Well, I gotta run. Lots of work to be done.

In Him

Tina

Friday, March 23, 2007 9:52 AM CDT

Yes, I know, another update back to back. I thought maybe you all were missing that a little. I woke up this morning with a thankful heart and wanted to share the lyrics to a new song that I have heard:
Mac Powell - By His Wounds
From the album Glory Revealed
He was pierced for our transgressions
He was crushed for our sins
The punishment that brought us peace
Was upon Him
And by His wounds
By His wounds, we are healed

Chorus:
We are healed by Your sacrifice
And the life that You gave
We are healed for You paid the price
By Your grace, we are saved
We are saved

He was pierced for our transgressions
He was crushed for our sins
The punishment that brought us peace
Was upon Him
And by His wounds
By His wounds, we are healed

Chorus:

He was pierced for our transgressions
He was crushed for our sins
The punishment that brought us peace
Was upon Him
And by His wounds
By His wounds, we are healed

What can wash away my sin
Nothing but the blood of Jesus
As you go into the weekend stop and take a moment to thank God for all He has done for you. As I listen to this song I am reminded of the HUGE sacrifice God made for me. Did you hear that, ME? I know the pain of losing a son and wouldn’t wish it on my worst enemy. But God willingly gave His son for me. What did I do to deserve such a gift? Nothing worthy of God’s son, but God doesn’t judge us on our worthiness. All he asks is that we obey his word, and when we screw up that we ask for forgiveness. How AWESOME is that?

Just wanted to get your mind to thinking this morning!

Healed by His Wounds
Tina

Thursday, March 22, 2007 10:52 AM CDT

Well, there is not much to report today but I did want to share with you how Mary Claire is doing. She got released from the hospital yesterday. I cannot tell you how happy I was to walk in yesterday morning and see her smiling, playing and hungry. Looking back it is very easy to see how sick that she really was. Thank you for the many prayers that you all sent up on her behalf.

This weekend is a busy one for Hayden and one that always keeps me on the edge of my seat. He has prom Saturday night. I know it is really no more dangerous than any other weekend but every time there is a special event during the weekend I tend to be a little more anxious. So please stop Saturday and say a special prayer for all of the kids that will be going to prom Saturday night.

I know I haven’t been sharing much of my devotional time with you and I am sorry. TO be honest I am reading two great books and want to finish them before I share. One is “Facing The Giants” by Max Lucado and the other is “The Search for Significance” by Robert McGee. Today I want to share something from my “God’s Promises for You” by Max Lucado.

Jesus Our Burden Bearer

2 Corinthians 12:9-10

“But the Lord said to me, ‘My grace is enough for you. When you are weak my power is made perfect in you.’…For this reason I am happy when I have weaknesses, insults, hard times, suffering, and all kinds of trouble for Christ. Because when I am weak I am truly strong.”

When it comes to healing our spiritual condition, we don’t have a chance. We might as well be told to pole vault the moon. We don’t have what it takes to be healed. Our only hope is that God will do for us what he did for the man at Bethesda-that he will step out of the temple and into our ward of hurt and helplessness.

Which is exactly what He has done…..
I wish we would take Jesus at his word…
When He says we are forgiven, let’s unload the guilt
When he says we are valuable, let’s believe him
When he says we are eternal, let’s bury our fear
When he says we are provided for, let’s stop worrying

Gods efforts are strongest when our efforts are useless.

I know that many times before during Stanton’s illness one question that I thought about all the time and really still do is “If everything I had is gone and all I have is God’s grace would that be sufficient?” I know what the answer is supposed to be and I wish that I could 100% say yes, that it would be and there are times when I know that but then there are times when I still wonder. Probably why God keeps sending it to me time after time in a devotional. I also know what it feels like to step back and let God take the pain. I also know what it feels like to try to carry the pain all by yourself. When you are given the chance I suggest giving it to God. I have seen God do some remarkable things when given the opportunity to do so.

Thank you all for your continued support and prayers.

Trusting God’s Grace
Tina

Tuesday, March 20, 2007 10:39 AM CDT

No, I have not fallen off the face of the earth but have been very busy. I think you will understand and forgive me when I explain. I will try to get you up to date.

Thursday afternoon our last set of surveyors left WHOO HOO! We had great reports from both surveys and it feels so good to be finished. Now we play catch up on all of the work that we let slide.

Friday I took off to take Hayden to the endocrinologist for his check-up. Dr. Young said he looked good and if we didn’t hear back from him just keep up the medicine and see him again in 3 months. So far so good. I really cannot tell you what a difference treating this condition has made in Hayden.

This weekend was supposed to be laid back with little going on but Mary Claire decided that we needed some excitement. She woke up Saturday with 104 degree temperature. I kept her for a little while so Jamie could run some errands and it wasn’t long before her temp went up again. After Jamie got home she noticed some spots on her face and neck. This plus the high fever bought her a ticket to the ER. So much for me not getting dressed Saturday. WE spent the evening in the ER to find out that she had a urinary tract infection. A dose of IV antibiotics should have worked miracles but not for this baby girl. On Sunday her temp was regularly going over 104 and she was not eating or drinking anything. So off to be admitted they went. For those of you in Louisiana I don’t have to mention that this is testing week for the kids. This does not affect Mary Claire but does affect Jamie greatly because she is a 4th grade teacher. So, I spent the day with her at the hospital yesterday so Jamie could give her test. More than once I had to remid Jamie that this was not my first “rodeo” and that I had treated a sick kid before. Mary Claire would just laugh when I would say that everytime Jamie called. She had a pretty good day and I thought that she might be on the downhill stretch or I thought that until about 1:30 at least. In about 30 minutes her temp went from normal to over 105!! Okay, so this did make me a little nervous. We put ice around her and left it there for about 2 hours only to get the temp down to 102. She has been such a trooper and when her temp is down so much fun. I truly enjoyed spending the day yesterday just her and I. She really is to smart to be only 7. The cultures did show E coli. in her urine so that appears to be the beast she is battling. We are happy to announce that she does have 2 kidneys though. She had an ultrasound yesterday. As of this morning she still spiked a temp of 104 early this morning but was trying to eat a little when I stopped by.

Now I hope you can forgive me for the lack of updates but you all know that Mary Claire is on the top of my important people list so she has been my main concern. Please add her to your prayer list and pray that we can get this infection under control and that maybe she can go home soon.

Thank you as usual for your unending support. You can not know how much it means!

In Him
Tina

Tuesday, March 13, 2007 10:05 AM CDT

Okay, so I had hoped to update yesterday but to call yesterday a little stressful would be a complete understatement. Our 2nd set of surveyors showed up yesterday which has its advantages but also left us no time to regroup from last week. When I left yesterday I was exhausted!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I have also taken on some additional supervisory duties at work so I ask that you please pray that this will work out. It was a big decision but one I made with confidence. I am always up for a good challenge.

You would think that since I have been so busy that my emotional state would be pretty good. I wish that were the case. I am really struggling to stay on top of my pit and not allow myself to fall back into it. Man I wish this was a little easier but I know deep in my heart that all of this struggle is from the enemy and I just have to refuse to give in.

I am so glad you all liked the poem. I actually had some song lyrics I was going to post and then I got the poem so I changed my mind. The problem with my mind is that when I changed it I also forgot it so I guess I will share the song another time.

I am off for another 3 more days of surveyors so if you don’t hear from me don’t worry to much I am just jumping through hoops.

Missing My Baby
Tina

Friday, March 9, 2007 11:15 AM CST

Good morning all! I am so glad that it is Friday. It has been a VERY long week. I spent most of my time trying to remember what day it was. The first of our 2 surveys is over but we can’t really stop to breathe because we still have one more unannounced one to come. Overall it has been a good experience this week. I love watching my staff work together so well. They are amazing and it really showed this week. The surveyors we had were also very nice. The doctor has been here twice before with the last time being during our hiatus at home between Stanton’s treatments. Can you believe that he actually remembered Stanton? I couldn’t but he did and I was so thankful. Just another person that Stanton touched and really made a difference.

No big plans for our weekend as of yet. I am not a very big fan of the time change either time but I especially don’t like losing an hour of sleep. It usually takes me a couple of weeks to straighten back out. I love the extra daylight hours so I wish they would just leave it like this.

I got an email for a prayer warrior that I read several times and then decided that I wanted to share it with you. It will not cut and paste so I am retyping it so you know I must like it. It sure had the wheels in my head turning.

Lessons of the Heart

Love is not the latest ballad on the radio
It is the song of a lifetime
Love is not the rock on the finger of the girl you plan to marry
It is the size of the boulder you move to repair the marriage
Love is not the fairy tale that ends with happy ever after
It is the hand that wipes away the tears
Love is not in the spotlight
It is in the shadows
Love is not winning the argument
It is listening with an open heart
Love is not flowers or candy or jewelry
It is truth and honesty and commitment
Love is not the case of the quest
It is the commitment to the relationship
Love is not expensive restaurants
It is the sacrifice made to feed a child
Love is not the dream come true
It is chasing nightmares away
Love is not the success of money
It is the failure to find fault
Love is not sweet nothings whispered in the ear
It is accepting the thoughts of others
Love is not the perfect picture
It is the flaw that makes us who we are.

I read this and thought about it a couple of ways, the way that I love and the way that I have been loved. I am blessed to have prayer warriors like all of you who have loved me unconditionally through the good and the bad, you have been the ones that have listened with an open heart even if I was having my pity parties. You have been the ones that have accepted me just the way that I am. I could never express my sincere thanks to all of you for all that you have done for me during this journey. You all are amazing and I love you all.

Blessed Beyond Words
Tina

Tuesday, March 6, 2007 9:58 AM CST

Good morning everyone! I am sitting here at work, completely overwhelmed for many reasons. First of all the survey we have been waiting on starts today. Second of all the St. Jude Radiothon is on KRMD today. I just heard our song and had to call in. The crew at KRMD is one of those that will always hold a special place in our heart for all that they have done for St. Jude as well as our family. So, if you live in the area turn on the radio and I promise you will be blessed by the stories that you will hear.

Yesterday was one of those days that just could not end fast enough. I am not even going to bore you with the details you are just going to have to trust me on this one. The highlight of my day was yesterday evening. I got the pleasure of speaking to a women’s group at Lakeview Methodist Church about St. Jude and about Stanton. I told them that there were a few things that I would never get tired of talking about and St. Jude was one and my boys was another. Needless to say, I truly enjoyed myself which is something that I needed terribly after the day I had.

The weekend was another beautiful one weather wise. I actually got out to go watch Mary Claire play soccer. I guess I need to rephrase that; I got to watch Mary Claire attempt to play soccer. If you remember I told you about her hurting her ankle. She really should have not been running on it but she promised that it was a little better. It didn’t take long for us to figure out that it really wasn’t better. There was one moment that really stand out and really made my day. A friend came over, sat on the ground and visited with me. You see, Susan is one of those who really gets it. Unfortunately she too lost a son a few years ago. Susan-I really can’t tell you how much it means that you came over to visit with me. The timing was perfect. It felt great to be able to not have to put on “my everythings okay” face. I hate we are in this club, but I am thankful that we have each other.

Sunday we went to the angel garden to put out Stanton’s Easter stuff. It really turned out cute if I say so myself. Jamie came up with a really neat idea and I was able to make it happen. I cannot tell you how peaceful it is at the angel garden. There are times when I can almost feel Stanton standing beside me.

I guess I need to get back to work! Love you all!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Blessed
Tina

Friday, March 2, 2007 10:46 AM CST

UGGGGHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!! I guess things were just going to “okay” for me. I know for the rest of my life there are going to be things, some little, some big that bring back memories. What I don’t know is if I will ever be “ready” to deal with them at any given moment.

Yesterday I had to meet with a benefits coordinator to renew my benefits at work for next year. Personally I think that if you are not changing anything you shouldn’t have to do anything but they really didn’t ask my opinion. Anyway, things were going pretty smooth and then “that” question came. The question that I never hesitate to answer. “How many children do you have?” Of course, my answer is always 2 and then I explain that my youngest lives in Heaven. It makes some uncomfortable but others love to hear the stories. Yesterday was just one of those days when I was swamped and really didn’t want to be meeting about benefits so when he asked the question I was caught a little off guard. Rather then go into a deep discussion I said “1”. I then spent the other few minutes trying to keep the tears from falling. Needless to say I was glad when the work day was through and I got to go home and curl up on the couch.

Mary Claire went to the doctor yesterday. Jamie was afraid that she had broken her foot or her ankle but the doctor said she had just bruised some tendons. He said it is pretty hard to bruise those particular tendons. Jamie and I both said “of course it is”. We are a family that just can’t seem to do things the easy way.

Sorry this is a short pity party but I have lots of work to do before the weekend!

In Him
Tina

Thursday, March 1, 2007 9:38 AM CST

Well, I looked at the website and realized it has been a couple of days since my last update. It has been really busy at work lately. I usually get a small break before month end but that didn’t happen this month. Again, I am not complaining because I LOVE my job, my boss and especially all of those that I work with.

With all of that being said, there is really not much to write about. How much of my generally boring (again not complaining) life do you really want to hear about. I still get up every morning with the goal of just making it through the day, literally taking it one day at a time. I sometimes sit and have to remind myself that this really is my life and I am not going to wake up from this really bad nightmare anytime soon. Again, not believing that the pain will ever go away I am striving to learn to live with the pain in a way that allows me to function but does not take away all that I have learned.

Hayden has a long weekend this weekend which he really needs right now. His grades are very good but like me the better they are the more he stresses over keeping them that good so a break from the stress is just what he needs.

I got an email telling me the quote for the day which I enjoyed so I thought I would share:

Life is short, Break the rules, Forgive quickly, Kiss slowly, Love truly, Laugh uncontrollably, And never regret anything that made you smile.

Trish, in case you are reading this, when I read about the smile I couldn’t help but thinking of the “hot breaking” incident! What a hoot! Love ya girl!

I had a prayer warrior email me and ask me to post the website of a kid that he has been following who is in great need of prayers and I know his mother could use the encouragement. His name is Matty and I have checked on him before. He has the same cancer as Jake, and as all of these kids has fought an unbelievable, courageous battle. www.caringbridge.org/visit/matty

Please stop by and encourage him and his family. I know from experience how uplifting all of the guestbook entries can be.

As always, thank you for your continued support of our family as well as all of these amazing kids.

No regrets,
Tina

Monday, February 26, 2007 11:00 AM CST

Good morning! After a rough weekend the weather here is beautiful. Too beautiful to be inside but as Elynn Kate would say “A girls gotta do what a girls gotta do.”

I guess I have a little explaining to do about Barney (Emma Grace’s daddy). I have known about Barney (about his cancer) for a short while but did not want to say anything on the website until Trish had updated her site. I didn’t think they would mind but I always like to be considerate of others when I am talking about them. From talking to Trish, he is hurting a good bit but ready to strap on his boots and get ready for the fight. One thing in his favor is that he has witnessed the most amazing cancer warriors ever and their valiant efforts to beat this disease.

I want to share with you a poem someone sent me:

Hello God, I called tonight
To talk a little while
I need a friend who'll listen
To my anxiety and trial.

You see, I can't quite make it
Through a day just on my own...
I need your love to guide me,
So I'll never feel alone.

I want to ask you please to keep,
My family safe and sound.
Come and fill their lives with confidence
For whatever fate they're bound.

Give me faith, dear God, to face
Each hour throughout the day,
And not to worry over things
I can't change in any way.

I thank you God, for being home
And listening to my call,
For giving me such good advice
When I stumble and fall..

Your number, God, is the only one
That answers every time.
I never get a busy signal,
Never had to pay a dime.

So thank you, God, for listening
To my troubles and my sorrow.
Good night, God, I love You, too,
And I'll call again tomorrow!
P.S. Please bless all my friends and family too

I know there are times when I don’t talk to God enough but reading this is a reminder of just how simple the conversation with Him can be. He doesn’t expect anything elaborate, he just expects something.

Blessed By Him
Tina

Thursday, February 22, 2007 10:58 AM CST

Hello again! Two days in a row, I am not doing so bad. Not much to report going on in our world but I had a story I wanted to share. Every now and then I get the pleasure of bringing Mary Claire and Elynn Kate home from church on Wed. nights. Last night was one of those occasions.

Driving home with them is always fun because you never know what we are going to talk about and yes, Elynn Kate is going to talk because we can’t listen to the radio and I don’t have any kids CD’s. She informed me last night that I really needed to get one of those. The conversation got around to family and they were naming all of their family members and their relation. Of course, Stanton did not get left out so then the conversation turned to him. We talked about him in heaven and things they thought he might be doing in heaven. Elynn Kate really wished that he could come to her birthday party but he was “not on the list”. Mary Claire, trying not to get upset informed her that Stanton did not have to be on a list he was going to be there always. She reminded Elynn Kate that Stanton was their very own special angel and he was always with them. This is about all it took to get Elynn Kate to thinking and the questions began; “How did Stancie get to heaven? Why did Stancie have to go to heaven?” And the one that did me in; “When is Stancie coming back from heaven?” Yes, this would be when the tears on the edge of my eyes fell. Again, I hate that at age 3 she knows so much about heaven and then again, I love that age 3 she knows so much about heaven. As for the answers, I tried to not get real detailed with her, but if I missed something Mary Claire finished it for me. The one thing that, as hard as it was to talk about, was most certain is that Stanton would not be coming back from heaven but most importantly, Stanton would no WANT to come back from heaven. Mary Claire said “Yeah, in heaven Stancie is not sick at all, I bet he is running and playing with Zoie and Emma Grace and I bet they all have hair. They may even be having cloud ball fights.” From the mouths of children.

With this story, I think it reminds all of us that we have no idea what is going on in these kids heads. They have been through so much over the last 4 years. So, if you are around Mary Claire, Elynn Kate, Coltan or Hollan just remember that life for them has been changed and forever will be and remember that you never know what might set of a memory or an emotion. Just be there for them to talk to and share those feelings with. As you can see, they are not afraid to talk about Stanton just as I am not.

Thank you all for the suggestions for the quilts. I will let you know how it comes out.

Loving the Memories
Tina

Wednesday, February 21, 2007 10:01 AM CST

Good morning all! It is a beautiful sunny day here in Louisiana. It actually feels more like spring, it is going to be 77 degrees today. Makes it a little difficult to be inside working. This week has been going pretty good. Nothing really exciting to report.

I do have a very BIG problem and would love any input from those of you who might have tried this in the past or even if you just think of something that might work. You see, after Stanton earned his wings my grandmother made me a quilt with some of his clothes. It is absolutely gourgeous and of course priceless. When I showed it to my employees, Mrs. Joyce(who earned her wings last summer), asked if I had any clothes that she did not use. When I said yes, Joyce asked if she could try to do something similar. Well, the result was another AMAZING quilt made from Stanton’s clothes. Each block of each quilt has a story behind it, even down to a block with his favorite Blues Clues underwear that he insisted on wearing backward. Okay, now why am I telling you this? When I picked out a house plan I picked one that for sure had walls to accommodate both of these quilts. When I met with the builder and the cabinet man these quilt racks were priority or so I thought. Come to find out the cabinet man didn’t find them such a priority and we still don’t have them. So, I am looking for suggestions on the best way to hang these on the wall and to preserve them the best. Any suggestions would be appreciated.

I don’t know how many of you have heard any of the St. Jude radiothons that are going on around the country right now but if you get a chance to listen it is well worth it. During the Day of Remembrance in Memphis last year I recorded an interview to be put into a song for these radiothons. I heard it for the first time last week and it is perfect. There are actually a few songs that I am in but “Life Ain’t Always Beautiful” is just me. Of course, my sister Trish has her song to and we are in several together. St. Jude’s sends us a copy of the songs that they are using and on the CD is a song that I have heard before but only once and I loved it so of course I want to share it with you. It is called “Mountains” by Lonestar.

"Mountains"

Lucinda Jones, working at IHOP
Ten years worth of bacon, eggs and tears
She's waited on every creed and color
While waiting on this day to get here
Graveyard shifts, two big tips
Making every quarter count
Was worth it all to see her son
In that cap and gown

There are times in life when you gotta crawl
Lose your grip, trip and fall
When you can't lean on no-one else
That's when you find yourself
I've been around and I've noticed that
Walking's easier when the road is flat
Them danged ole hiils'll get you every time
Yeah, the good Lord gave us mountains
So we could learn how to climb

Bobby, Bobby Dunn came back from the war
Lost his leg but they couldn't take his will
Hell bent to run in that local marathon
He trained through the endless pain and pills
It hurt so bad that sometimes he just had to cry
He didn't stop until he crossed that finish line

There are times in life when you gotta crawl
Lose your grip, trip and fall
When you can't lean on no-one else
That's when you find yourself
I've been around and I've noticed that
Walkin's easier when the road is flat
Them danged ole hiils'll get you every time
Yeah, the good Lord gave us mountains
So we could learn how to climb

This world ain't fair
It can knock you on your butt
You can just lie there
Or you can get back up
You gotta get back up

There are times in life when you gotta crawl
Lose your grip, trip and fall
When you can't lean on no-one else
That's when you find yourself
I've been around and I've noticed that
Walkin's easier when the road is flat
Them danged ol' hiils'll get you every time
Yeah, the good Lord gave us mountains
(The good Lord gave us mountains)
So we could learn how to climb
Yeah, oh

I think you will understand why I like these lyrics so much. Could they possibly be singing about my life? Probably your life as well. I have said and been told many times throughout this journey that I have been on this journey for a reason. Sometimes that reason is easy to see while other times it is pretty foggy. One thing that I am certain of is that through the ups and downs I have been taught so much. I have been taught by Stanton, Hayden, my entire family, you prayer warriors and most importantly God. I have grown in areas I didn’t even realize that I needed to grown in. (I guess that is what God is for) Truth be known I have grown in areas that probably didn’t even exist before the journey. I have said it many times, although I would have changed the outcome, I wouldn’t trade the journey.

Thanks as always for your continued support and prayers

Still crawling
Tina

Monday, February 19, 2007 10:34 AM CST

Happy President’s Day to all! No, I am not one of the lucky ones to get the day off, I am here, at work. Not a bad thing because I have so much to do.

I hope your weekend was great. Ours was good. The weather was beautiful so it was very hard to stay inside and accomplish anything. Most of you who know me these days know that yesterday afternoon was spent glued in front of the TV watching the Daytona 500. None of my guys did very good but it was a great race. Jeff was laughing at me because I was so into it but I can’t help it. I love it.

To all of my Domino’s family that still check in, great job yesterday all around. It was very evident what the “Official Pizza of Nascar” is. I also love the Reutiman commercials. So good job to all of you. I am really trying to work it out so I can come visit again. On a race weekend of course.

Not much to write today, I’ve got a busy day ahead.

By His Grace Alone
Tina

Friday, February 16, 2007 10:22 AM CST

Once again I sit down to journal and just can’t seem to come up with just the right words to explain the emotions of the last few days. I can tell you that just because you are adding another year to the anniversary it does not make it any easier or at least at the two year mark it didn’t.

Tuesday started with me really just wanting to crawl under the covers and stay in bed. Yes, I could have easily done that but I couldn’t think of one good thing that would come from that so I got up and came to work. I was greeted with a very sweet card from my staff. I got several phone calls throughout the day. Some I expected others I didn’t but one thing that they all had in common is that they remembered my very special little boy. All of the emails and guestbook entries helped me tremendously to get through this most difficult day. As for the guys, I think we all handled things a little differently and we just left it at that. The most special thing of the day came when I got home. After Stanton earned his wings Dr. Elizabeth asked if I wanted her daddy to make a shadow box with Stanton’s cowboy attire. Of course I said yes, and got her all of the stuff. Her dad has had some health issues so I wasn’t expecting the box anytime soon but as usual she had something completely different in mind and the fact that Hayden was sick and had to go see her twice helped her a bit. She and Hayden unloaded this new shadow box before I got home from work and yes, it took both of them. It is absolutely gourgeous! It is now among one of my favorite possessions. It has all of his cowboy attire in it spread out so you can see it all. When you look at it, it looks like Stanton could just step into it and walk away. It fit perfect in his room and the wood even matches perfect. I can’t tell you what a priceless treasure this is.

Wednesday was another day. First of all it was Stanton’s birthday but it was also Valentine’s Day. Like I told my counselor Valentines Day will always take 2nd place to Stanton’s birthday and it would have always. This day was a little easier but not much. It was hard to believe that 2 years ago the day before we had held Stanton for the last time and that 6 years ago today we had held Stanton for the first time. Needless to say I went through the motions of the day just waiting until we could go to the Angel Garden. We released balloons with some family members. It was a very special time with all of my favorite people, or almost all of them. Haynes sang happy birthday and we released our balloons and for the first time ever from the Angel Garden they did not go North. After I called the funeral home to ask them to leave the gates open a little longer I had the biggest meltdown of the day because I had planned Stanton’s birthday party by calling the funeral home. How fair is that?

Now, I have to take a minute to brag on my oldest most amazing son. As I have said many times, I feel so sorry for him and what he has had to go through in such a short time but he continues to amaze me with his strength. He may be only 17 but his mind is that of someone much older. One thing I hate the most is that he feels like he has to take care of me, which is not the case, but he actually enjoys it. Like his dad, he isn’t one to express his feelings out loud much or at least not to us, but he made mention of some flowers in church on Sunday night. They reminded him of the family flowers we did for Stanton. It amazes me what goes through his head sometimes. Over the last 2 years there have been some things that have just been off limits for him and they were things that he and Stanton would do together. One being playing the Play Station. Lately he has overcome that hurdle and now will play it and let others play it too. I say this to bring up how far he has come in 2 years. He was in charge of getting the balloons blown up for the Angel Garden after he got out of school. Well, it is pretty hard to do this on Valentines Day. I had bought the balloons early (which is a whole other fiasco) so that all he had to do was take them back and get them blown up. This turned into one big challenge because the place we had gotten the balloons ran out of helium. Thank goodness this was Hayden because I think I would have lost it right then and there but he kept a level head and found somewhere else to have the balloons blown up. Granted it cost me 30 more dollars (yes just for helium) but what is money where Stanton is concerned. When he called to tell me about the balloons I was so proud of him because he had handled it and had not even called me. He then said he had a surprise planned and I would not know what it was until I got to the Angel Garden. This would be another of those things that was pretty special. You see when he and my parents came to Memphis for Stanton’s birthday party they brought these confetti guns. These were about the only things that could get a smile out of Stanton his last few days. Hayden has kept his in a box where it could not get lost. We were also not allowed to buy anymore of these since then. Well, he shows up at the Angel Garden with confetti guns. He decided that if we were going to celebrate Stanton’s birthday then we were going to do it “Stanton Style”. The kids and adults alike had fun shooting the confetti. Thank you Hayden for making this such a special evening. I love you so much!!!!

I don’t think I have to remind you how blessed I am that God felt me worthy of 2 absolutely amazing children. This is not something I take lightly or that I take for granted.

When I woke up Thursday I wondered, what now? Does anything change? Well, I can tell you no, nothing changed. The hurt is still there, it is still very real. I have spent so much time asking God to “fix this” or to make me better that I haven’t really done the most important thing. First of all I haven’t really let God have it ALL. Yes, I think I have given him bits and pieces but just not all of it. I have to give him all of my life and second I have to take the time to listen to what He wants to do with my life. After I have thought about it long and hard I have decided that I really don’t want all of the pain to go away. The pain is part of who I am. I just need to learn how God wants to use that pain in my life. Now why has it taken me 2 years to figure this out? Probably because I am a stubborn blonde who still wanted to control even small parts of her life. It is not something I recommend.

Today is also the last day of the Ronald McDonald House radiothon. As you know this another very important charity to me. They have done so much for us over the years that I encourage you to go to their website (at the bottom of the page) and donate. This is something that we do for Stanton’s birthday.

As for the journal, I decided that I need it for me. I am going to continue to use it as a therapeutic out for me and if you want to continue reading that is great. I realized over the last 2 days how much I depend on you guys for support.
Blessed, Broken, and okay with that
Tina

Wednesday, February 14, 2007 9:38 AM CST

HAPPY BIRTHDAY MY SWEET BABY BOY! Mommy, Daddy and Bubby miss you so very much. I know your party in heaven will be so much better than anything we could have done for you here. I love you alllllllllll the way to heaven and back!

This poem was written in the guestbook and I have to move it to the front page. It was written by Mrs. Brenda Werner who writes so beautifully. Thank you Mrs. Brenda once again for words that are perfect.

If I could pick one flower,
'Twould be a rose so fair,
That dwells in the Gardens of Heaven,
With eyes of blue and golden hair.

His smile could light the eastern sky
With rays of warming sun,
And his little arms around my neck,
Were soft as moonlight when day is done.

But, the Great Gardener needed him
In that palace made of gold,
To fill a place so special
That my "Stanton Rose" now holds.

So I'll just wait and bide my time,
Till I enter the Garden too,
And then I'll hold that rose so fair
And see those eyes of blue!

No more words for today
Tina

Monday, February 12, 2007 10:30 AM CST

Okay, I have a scenario for you; let’s say that when you tell your children goodnight tonight it will be the last time you hear them say anything and the last time they will hear you would you do anything any different than usual? I know we would all like to say no, but I also know that there have been times that has not been the case for me. What I am going the long way around to get to is to remind you that you just never know when it really might be the last time.

Two years ago tonight we all told Stanton goodnight, he told us all he loved us, and that was the last time we heard him say anything. Feb. 13, 2005 when Stanton woke up he woke up at home with Jesus. To say I am having a pretty rough time is a complete understatement. Over the last 24 hours I have replayed that night in my mind a million times. Would I, should I have done something different? No, for the circumstances it was exactly like it should have been, it was exactly what Stanton wanted. I have beaten myself up over and over for going to sleep that night. How in the world could a good mother, knowing how sick her son was, lay in bed with him and go to sleep? The answer to that is “I don’t know” but what I do know is that is exactly how it was supposed to be.

I have been told a million times that this gets easier. To be honest I am not totally convinced of that. I will admit that there are days that seem brighter than others but the hole, the pain, is still there. So my new goal is not for it to get easier but for me to find a place for the grief in my life so that it does not affect all of who I am, if you can understand what I am trying to say. The pain is part of who I am. It is what has brought me to understand so much more of what life is all about so I guess I don’t want it to go away for good. I know you are probably thinking I am crazy and you would be pretty close to being right.

With this 2 year anniversary tomorrow and Stanton’s 6th birthday on Wed. this is going to be one emotional week for me so if you see me and I look like I have been crying I probably have. There is no magic word for you to say that will fix it, in fact there are really no words at all, a simple hug will work, saying nothing will work, just please don’t ask me why I am crying.

With these anniversary’s I have also been giving a lot of thought as to how long I will keep journaling every day or every other day or so. I had said that as long as people were reading I would keep writing and I know there are still some that are reading but the numbers do seem to be slowing down. I know I am not ready to stop the site all together because I still get so much encouragement from those of you who continue to sign in and I just can’t imagine not having that right now. So, I welcome any insight from any of you.

Well, I need to go try to get some work done.

Still completely heart broken
Tina

Friday, February 9, 2007 10:21 AM CST

Well I guess it is just about time for the weekend again. Last weekend was so busy that it feels like forever since we have had a weekend. I do have a couple of things planned for the weekend in addition to just trying to make the house livable again.

Tomorrow I have a birthday party for my special adopted nephew, Sammie. He turned 5 yesterday but his party is tomorrow. He and I have talked about his birthday for awhile so I am glad that it is here.

On Sunday, another one of our adopted nephews, Zach, is getting baptized. He lives in Summerfield so we do not get to see he and his family as much as we’d like but he fell in love with Jeff on the first day that they met. The feeling with Jeff is mutual, he loves that little boy. Of course he can tell him anything and he will believe it. Zach still thinks that Mr. Jeff killed a grizzly bear with his pocket knife. So, we will be traveling to Summerfield to watch this very special event.

Sadie Hawkins is this weekend for Hayden so when you are praying please pray for safety for all of the kids Saturday night. I know they go out all of the time but I always get a little more anxious on special occasions. I will take some pictures and try to figure out how to put them on here.

As for me, I cannot believe that we are already into the week that Stanton will have been gone 2 years. How can this be? It seems like just yesterday. I am reading a very good book by Beth Moore that was given to me by some very special people. It is about getting out of the pit. It has been a wonderful eye opener for me and I will share it with you but I have decided to wait until I have finished wallowing this week. It will be easier for me to talk to you about getting out of your pit when I am at least ready to try to get out of mine.

In our guestbook there was the website of another little boy that has been diagnosed with leukemia. I think he may be from around the Shreveport area but am not sure. If you go to the website you will fall in love with the picture of him. He has been flown to St. Jude and the parents are getting information that no parent ever wants to hear. Please look at his site and add him to your prayer list. I know what awesome prayer warriors you are and what it feels like to be lifted in prayer by you all. www.ethanpowell.com Thank you all for your continued love, prayer and support. We will need it more than usual over the next week.

Looking Up
Tina

Wednesday, February 7, 2007 3:51 PM CST

This is kind of long but I just got it in my inbox and read it and knew I needed to share it with all of you. I knew nothing of this coaches history until now and I am so glad that his team won the superbowl. He is able to put into words how so many of us bereaved parents feel. Enjoy

Spreading His Message
David Langerfeld
Jan 30, 2007

Note: This Sunday, Tony Dungy will coach the Indianapolis Colts
in the Superbowl. The following article relates what this wonderful
Christian coach shared at a breakfast before the 2006 Superbowl.

"Spreading His Message"

They were there for breakfast, and they were there to cheer New
York Jets running back Curtis Martin. And it was Martin who received
the Athletes in Action Bart Starr Award Saturday morning. But the
hundreds who gathered in fourth-floor ballroom at the Marriott
Renaissance in Detroit, Mich., on the morning before Super Bowl XL were
clearly touched by the featured speaker.

That speaker was Colts Head Coach Tony Dungy.

Two hours into the breakfast, emcee Brent Jones introduced Dungy,
who was welcomed with a lengthy standing ovation. Dungy thanked the
crowd, shared an anecdote about Martin, then told the crowd he was going
to speak for about 15 minutes.

"It's great to be here," Dungy told the crowd, then adding with a
laugh, "I just wish I wasn't here in this capacity so many times of
being just that close to being in the game and just being an invited
speaker. My goal is to have our team here one day and have a couple of
tables with all of our guys here. Because we have a special group of
young men, a great group of Christian guys. It'd be wonderful to have
them here so you could see their hearts and what they're all about."

"It hasn't quite happened yet, but we're still hoping one day it
will." He told them he was going to talk about lessons he had learned
from his three sons. The crowd fell silent. Then Dungy spoke.

Although this was a breakfast - and although at many such events
speakers speak over the clinking of glasses and murmurs from
semi-interested listeners - for most of the 15 minutes the room was
silent except for Dungy's voice.

He spoke of his middle son, Eric, who he said shares his
competitiveness and who is focused on sports "to where it's almost a
problem." He spoke of his youngest son, Jordan, who has a rare
congenital condition which causes him not to feel pain. "He feels
things, but he doesn't get the sensation of pain," Dungy said.

The lessons learned from Jordan, Tony Dungy said, are many. "That
sounds like it's good at the beginning, but I promise you it's not,"
Dungy said. "We've learned a lot about pain in the last five years we've
had Jordan. We've learned some hurts are really necessary for kids. Pain
is necessary for kids to find out the difference between what's good and
what's harmful."

Jordan, Dungy said, loves cookies. "Cookies are good," Dungy
said, "but in Jordan's mind, if they're good out on the plate, they're
even better in the oven. He will go right in the oven when my wife's not
looking, reach in, take the rack out, take the pan out, burn his hands
and eat the cookies and burn his tongue and never feel it. He doesn't
know that's bad for him."

Jordan, Dungy said, "has no fear of anything, so we constantly
have to watch him." The lesson learned, Dungy said, is simple.

"You get the question all the time, 'Why does the Lord allow pain
in your life? Why do bad things happen to good people? If God is a God
of love, why does he allow these hurtful things to happen?' Dungy said.
"We've learned that a lot of times because of that pain, that little
temporary pain, you learn what's harmful. You learn to fear the right
things.

"Pain sometimes lets us know we have a condition that needs to be
healed. Pain inside sometimes lets us know that spiritually we're not
quite right and we need to be healed and that God will send that healing
agent right to the spot. "Sometimes, pain is the only way that will
turn us as kids back to the Father."

Finally, he spoke of James.

James Dungy, Tony Dungy's oldest son, died three days before
Christmas. As he did while delivering James' eulogy in December, Dungy
on Saturday spoke of him eloquently and steadily, speaking of lessons
learned and of the positives taken from experience.

"It was tough, and it was very, very painful, but as painful as
it was, there were some good things that came out of it," Dungy said.

Dungy spoke at the funeral of regretting not hugging James the
last time he saw him, on Thanksgiving of last year. "I met a guy the
next day after the funeral," Dungy said. "He said, 'I was there. I
heard you talking. I took off work today. I called my son. I told him
I was taking him to the movies. We're going to spend some time and go
to dinner.' That was a real, real blessing to me."

Dungy said he has gotten many letters since James' death relaying
similar messages. "People heard what I said and said, 'Hey, you brought
me a little closer to my son,' or, 'You brought me a little closer to my
daughter,' Dungy said. "That is a tremendous blessing."

Dungy also said some of James' organs were donated through donors
programs. "We got a letter back two weeks ago that two people had
received his corneas, and now they can see,' Dungy said. "That's been a
tremendous blessing."

Dungy also said he received a letter from a girl from the
family's church in Tampa. She had known James for many years, Dungy
said. She went to the funeral because she knew James.

"When I saw what happened at funeral, and your family and the
celebration and how it was handled, that was the first time I realized
there had to be a God," Dungy said the girl wrote. "I accepted Christ
into my life and my life's been different since that day." Added Dungy,
"That was an awesome blessing, so all of those things kind of made me
realize what God's love is all about."

Dungy also said he was asked often how he was able to return to
the Colts so quickly after James' death. James died on December 22, and
Dungy returned to the team one week later. Dungy said the answer was
simple. "People asked me, 'How did you recover so quickly?"' Dungy
said. "I'm not totally recovered. I don't know that I ever will be.
It's still very, very painful, but I was able to come back because of
something one of my good Christian friends said to me after the
funeral.

"He said, 'You know James accepted Christ into his heart, so you
know he's in heaven, right?' I said, 'Right, I know that.' He said,
'So, with all you know about heaven, if you had the power to bring him
back now, would you?'

When I thought about it, I said, 'No, I wouldn't. I would not
want him back with what I know about heaven.'

"That's what helped me through the grieving process. Because of
Christ's spirit in me, I had that confidence that James is there, at
peace with the Lord, and I have the peace of mind in the midst of
something that's very, very painful. That's my prayer today, that
everyone in this room would know the same thing"

Written by John Oehser. "NFL Insider" Posted in February, 2006
at www.colts.com

Tuesday, February 6, 2007 12:48 AM CST

Sorry it has taken me so long to update this morning. Being off for 3 days there is a lot to catch up on. I knew I would be tired so I took off yesterday and it was a good thing because I slept all day!

I know you are anxious to hear the numbers. Well, once again our small town was able to put up an amazing number to the tune of about 50,000 more than last year¡¦s record breaking total. The final number was 755,846 dollars. Amazing is about all that can be said. For those of you not from around here just to put this into perspective the population of Minden is somewhere around 20,000. I think the one thing that will stand out in my mind from this auction the most is that the children of Webster Parish raised over 55,000 dollars of this total. This means that we are teaching our children how to give and that each year we should be able to continue to break records.

I wish I could tell you that this weekend was not a difficult one but for me, I had a hard time. Don¡¦t get me wrong, it was a lot of fun, but if I stopped for too long it would hit me hard as to why we were raising this money. When we would do this year after year, we never dreamed that we would actually use St. Jude one day much less lose a child to such a devastating disease. Just a reminder to never say never and to love your children a little more.

I did enjoy telling ¡§Stanton¡¨ stories to a couple of people from St. Jude who are pretty new. We all got a few good laughs.

There were so many neat prizes this year and as I remind everyone, although we did not win a material prize, we are all winners for the kids of St. Jude¡¦s. We did have one big winner in the family, Debbie won the 4-wheeler. As soon as they read her name Hayden was on the phone with her. The one prize that I wanted more than anything was last years newspaper with the auction totals, framed and signed by Michael Waltrip. My name was not drawn and I was so disappointed (although I had really lectured myself on not being able to have everything that I want the night before) but there were several people that managed to get their hands on this from the winner (he sold it to them) and they presented it to Jeff, Hayden and I. I can¡¦t tell you how special this is.

There are so many people to thank that it is hard to know where to begin. I guess I will start with family first. Sunday from 1-4 friends and family of Stanton manned the phone bank. Thank you all for giving up your Sunday afternoon to help such a great cause. Gary, Sarah and Whittney-you all were pretty amazing. I don¡¦t think there was a time when I was at the auction that I did not look out and see you guys working. Whittney especially so because she took a ton of abuse from those workers around her ƒº. When you asked me about being a sponsor I was not surprised but was very touched. You helped remind me that my biggest fear about people forgetting Stanton will not happen. Thank you all. Dakota and Brooke-I know you both had to be tired but you hung with us until the end yesterday. You know I love you so much!

Laura and Christi-how can I even begin to thank you. I know you will not take any credit because of all of your help but it takes a good leader to have good help. You both work so hard and give so unconditionally. I know how much work has to go into putting on an auction like this and you never once complain. The numbers you both have been able to produce over the years is phenomenal. I hope you continue to support this cause for a long time to come.

Mr. Kenneth-I couldn¡¦t talk about thanks without mentioning you. I know that you put in more hours than I can count working on the computers for the auction this year. I know there were times when we all got a little frustrated but you stayed calm and kept us going. The computers were awesome and did make things much easier on people. Thank you for your time and devotion.

Chris and Lori-what can I say except that I love you both! You managed to not only keep your projects going but also to keep an eye on me. You both knew how hard this was going to be on me. Thank you for making me have limits even when I thought I didn¡¦t need them.

To all of the other many volunteers who spent many many hours at the Civic Center this weekend. This auction would not be possible without all of you. It definitely feels like one big happy family all weekend long.

To the sponsors, people who donated items and the people who purchased items. You are what the heart of Minden is about. Giving without expectations. Giving from your heart. There would be no auction without you. Thank you once again.

I have to say that I am so proud to live in a city like Minden. The people are absolutely incredible. So, I guess we will take a short break and begin preparing for next years auction.

Thank You Again
Tina

You can still go to www.mindenstjude.com and see the pictures that were taken throughout the weekend. Just remember that on some of them these people had been working for 12+ hours for days so we were a little delirious.

Wednesday, January 31, 2007 9:34 AM CST

Sorry but no time for a good update but I wanted to remind everyone that the St. Jude Auction is this weekend in Minden. If you live in the area it is a fun time all weekend so stop by and see all of the neat items we are raffling off. If you are not close enough to come but want in on the action you can go to www.mindenstjude.com . If you purchase something be sure and let us know that Stanton sent you. Overlooking all of the fun that it will be remember that the money raised goes to an incredible cause. It is functions like this that will raise the money that some day finds a cure. Okay, gotta run, lots of work to do before I can go and help.

In Him
Tina

Monday, January 29, 2007 11:15 AM CST

I sure hope everyone had a great weekend. Our was okay. I guess I am happy to say that duck season is over. I just don’t know how happy I am until I see how happy Jeff is. He loves to hunt and that is what he has done for weeks now so I hope he is not going to be too bad. I told him yesterday that I could give him his honey do list now. He kind of laughed. I hope it was a good laugh.

This week will be another busy one. For those of you who were readers last year you should know all about the St. Jude auction that we have in Minden. Well, it is that time again and the auction starts Thursday. Last year it was in memory of Stanton and we raised a phenomenal amount of money. The good news is that I don’t think we have reached our max yet. I would love to see our small town be able to donate 1 million dollars in the near future. They have a website www.mindenstjude.com where they will have a list of all of the raffle items and the winners as they draw them. I had so much fun last year because as the raffle tickets would come from the internet from all over the U.S. they would bring them to me to see if I knew them or if they said Stanton’s name on them. That was really really cool. So if you want to donate to a great cause and have a chance at winning a great prize stop by the website starting Thursday and buy your tickets. There will be a list of everything being raffled off on the website as well. I am hoping to take off Thursday and Friday so I can be there everyday. This is all dependant on of course whether our surveyors show up or not.

I want to share an email before I get back to work.

The Concert

When the house lights dimmed and the concert was about to begin, the mother returned to her seat and discovered that the child was missing.
Suddenly, the curtains parted and spotlights focused on the impressive Steinway on stage.

In horror, the mother saw her little
boy sitting at the keyboard, innocently picking out

"Twinkle,Twinkle Little Star."

At that moment, the great piano master made his entrance, quickly moved to the piano, and

whispered in the boy's ear,

"Don't quit.""Keep playing."

Then, leaning over, Paderewski reached down with his left hand and began filling in a bass part. Soon his right arm reached around to the other side of the child, and he added a running obbligato.

Together, the old master and the young novice transformed what could have been a frightening situation into a wonderfully creative experience.

The audience was so mesmerized that they couldn't recall what else the great master played.Only the classic,

" Twinkle, Twinkle Little Star."

Perhaps that's the way it is with God.

What we can accomplish on
our own is hardly noteworthy.

We try our best, but the results aren't always graceful flowing music. However, with the hand of the Master, our life's work can
truly be beautiful.
The next time you set out to accomplish great feats, listen carefully. You may hear the voice of the Master, whispering in your ear,
"Don't quit." "Keep playing."

May you feel His arms around you and know that His hands are there, helping you turn your feeble attempts into true masterpieces.

Remember, God doesn't seem to

call the equipped, rather,
He equips the 'called.'

Life is more accurately measured by the lives you touch than by the things you acquire.

Not quitting
Tina

Friday, January 26, 2007 2:48 PM CST

I know this is a little later than usual but it has been one of those days. Work is starting to slow down a bit although we are still waiting on our unannounced survey.

I have to take a minute and just tell you how much I enjoy my work. I love what I do but more importantly I love who I work with. My staff continues to be amazing. I know that I am able to do my job to the best of my ability because they make it easy for me. They are willing to step up and do whatever it takes especially when I may not be 100% (and that is most of the time).

I also got a gentle wake up call this afternoon. God reminded me that he is not very far away and that I am surrounded by people who want nothing but the best for me. I have had a pretty hard week and I just left the office of someone who has continued to keep me focused but also making me smile when I felt like crying. This person shared some things with me this afternoon that hit straight to the core. The words were exactly what I needed to hear at that exact moment. No matter what your situation, don’t ever think that you are alone. God would never leave you alone and once again he has given me answers in black and white, no gray areas at all.

No big plans this weekend. I do have to clean house because I have done nothing all week.

I wanted to share a quick devotional with you about God always being with you.

God Meets Our Needs

God’s fatihfullness has never depended on the faithfulness of his children. He is faithful even when we aren’t. When we lack courage, he doesn’t. He has made a history out of using people in spite of people.

Need an example? The feeding of the five thousand. It is the only miracle, aside from those of the final week, recorded in all four gospels. Why did all four writers think it worth repeating?...Perhaps they wanted to show hoe God doesn’t give up even when his people do…

When the disciples didn’t pray, Jesus prayed. When the disciples didn’t see God, Jesus sought God. When the disciples were weak, Jesus was strong. When the disciples had no faith, Jesus had faith.

I simply think God is greater than our weakness.

This is from a book by Max Lucado.

How about that last statement “God is greater than our weakness”. I don’t know about you but that really gives me great strength in knowing that God is there and bigger than anything I think is too big. I know that I will have weak moments, that is a given but knowing that God loves me and that he is greater than any weak moment I have makes those moments a lot easier to bear.

Thank you all for listening and for the great words of encouragement in the guestbook. You all are the best. Have a great weekend!

Blessed my needs are met
Tina

Wednesday, January 24, 2007 1:22 PM CST

Sorry I am so late in posting today. No real reason why, there just really doesn’t seem to be much to say. I feel like you all should get tired of hearing about how much I miss Stanton. There are days like today when I really can’t even put into words what I am feeling. My prayer is that the most of you will never know and those of you who do will continue to inspire me, reminding me that life does go on.

I told someone the other day that my world was still turning and I just wanted it to stand still. Does that make any sense? I guess I also feel a little guilty still feeling so bad when there are others that are just starting on this nightmare of a journey. How was I able to feel so much better this time last year? Okay, I am not going to ramble, just know that prayers and support are very much appreciated.

By His Grace Alone
Tina

Monday, January 22, 2007 10:33 AM CST

Well, I feel like I have been gone for ages. I had so much on my mind to journal on Friday but as usual for me, things are always subject to change. Thursday at work my eye was very red and starting to hurt so I made an appointment with the eye doctor. By the time I left work and went to the appointment I was in some serious pain. He looked at my eyes and said that I had an ulcer (pretty good size) in my left eye. Yes, this would explain the pain. I started the drops and kept on going. He had numbed my eyes which certainly helped. By Friday morning I was in some very intense pain. Not only did it hurt so bad I could not open my eye, but I also could not see really well out of my other eye. The doctor said that the ulcer was healing but the swelling was pretty bad, hence all of the pain so he added another drop and told me I was not to go to work. Not to mention I couldn’t have driven to work if I wanted to. He also numbed my eye again and paralyzed the muscles which helped the pain tremendously. As of this morning the ulcer is healed but there is still some irritation in that eye. It does not hurt as bad, but I still can’t see very good. I guess it took all of this to say that I have not been able to get on the computer since Thursday.

Thursday night was the Football banquet and I was not going to miss that so I went, red eye, pain, and not being able to see. It was worth the pain. Listening to the coaches talk about each of the players was incredible. I know it was a little lengthy but I really enjoyed the coaches that talked about ALL of their players not just the starters. It really showed how much these coaches know about these kids. The other thing I was most impressed with is the Christian attitude by all of the coaches and how openly they shared this with all of us. This is not something that is very common this day and time. People are so afraid they are going to offend someone. I was happy to see that this was not a problem for our coaches and it really shows in the attitudes of the players. All of the kids showed up dressed very nice (and when I asked, no they were not told they had to). It was just a great evening and a great way to end a tremendous football season.

Saturday I had the pleasure of going prom dress shopping again this year. Kendall, Mrs. Karen and I headed out Saturday morning for a fun filled day of watching Kendall try on many many dresses. Not having girls, I love the chance to get to do this with Kendall and her family. That night I went with her mom and grandmother to the Miss Lakeside pageant. Whittney, who I have talked about before was ending her reign as the 2006 Miss Lakeside so I went to support her. As usual she looked beautiful but when they played her farewell speech the true beauty of Whittney came out. It was a loving tribute to everyone, and I mean everyone that has been there for her. It by far was one of the best farewell speeches I have ever heard and what made it much better was knowing that everything she said came straight from her heart. Way to go Whittney!!!!!!!!!

Sunday we celebrated Hollan’s birthday at Sug’s house. I got to spend some special time with her before we went to Sug’s and she is a mess but loads of fun. She helped me get dressed and take my medicine. After Sug’s I took her to Wal-Mart to pick out her birthday present. After the buggy was full of Barbie boxes she looked at me and said “I think our job here is done”. That was until we got home anyway. Then she managed to talk Jeff into opening everything she had gotten. Her birthday is today and she is 4 years old. I would be lying if I said that this is not a hard birthday for me. Up until now I could compare what was going on with her and Elynn Kate to what Stanton was doing at that age. Well today Hollan is officially a day older than Stanton will ever be. I wish I knew if life was ever going to be “okay” again. I know that Stanton will forever hold a piece of my heart with him but I also know that at some point everything will not center around him, his date of diagnosis, date of relapse, etc. or will it?

Speaking of Stanton, we got a card in the mail acknowledging a tribute made to St. Jude in his honor. I really can not tell you how special this is for me. Each time we receive one of these cards, I know Stanton is not forgotten and that someone has made a difference in the life of another child with cancer.

I guess I have caught up from over the weekend. I hope you all have a great week!

Looking Up
Tina

Thursday, January 18, 2007 11:12 AM CST

WARNING WARNING! I am going to get on my political soapbox so stop now if you don’t want to hear it. First of all this week is the week I should have been in D.C. pleading my case to my congressmen once again. Due to some scheduling conflicts at work I was unable to make this trip. I have met with all of my congress people twice and I keep in contact with them via email so my efforts do still go on but a face to face is always better. Anyway, the reason we go to Washington is to try to get more funding for childhood cancer research. Now to my soap box:

If you have listened to the news over the last couple of days you have heard the “Big” news about cancer. It seems that the overall cancer death statistics are down. Yeah!! This is a great thing, I don’t want to be misunderstood but when they list the types of cancer deaths that are declining they are breast, lung, prostate and colo-rectal. Again, I am glad that they are finding the “fix-it” for these cancers but what you don’t hear is anything about childhood cancer. That is because overall childhood cancer plays such a small role in the cancer world that it is often overlooked. There is not enough money in it for the drug companies and the numbers are so few that the research is very hard to do. In fact most of the drugs used for childhood cancers are drugs that were created for adults and then tried on kids. I don’t have hard facts but I cannot imagine that the statistics for childhood cancer looked so good. These kids are our future. They deserve as much effort put into curing them as they put into the “adult” cancers. This is the number one reason I encourage you to support St. Jude or the National Childhood Cancer Foundation. The money that these organizations raise is used only for “childhood” cancer. This is where the cure lies, I am certain of that. With the money and the resources I believe that a cure can be found but we may have to step up to the plate to make that happen.

Okay, enough of that. Things are going okay around here. We had a little sleet and freezing rain yesterday. Just enough for Hayden to get out of school early. Jeff is not at home right now so it gave Hayden a chance to play “man of the house”. I have to admit he built a very good fire in the fireplace and managed to keep it going all evening.

Well, gotta get to work!

In Him
Tina

Tuesday, January 16, 2007 9:32 AM CST

Okay, so I have tried several times to copy this email to share. This time of the year is very difficult for me. Some of the memories just aren’t so great. This email was a great reminder that no matter what the struggle or how overwhelming life may be God is always there to take these struggles from us if we only allow ourselves to give them to Him.

Quilt of Holes

As I faced my Maker at the last judgment, I knelt before the Lord along
with all the other souls.

Before each of us laid our lives like the squares of a quilt in many
piles; an angel sat before each of us sewing our quilt squares together
into a tapestry that is our life.

But as my angel took each piece of cloth off the pile, I noticed how ragged
and empty each of my squares was. They were filled with giant holes. Each
square was labeled with a part of my life that had been difficult, the
challenges and temptations I was faced with in every day life. I saw
hardships that I endured, which were the largest holes of all.

I glanced around me. Nobody else had such squares. Other than a tiny hole
here and there, the other tapestries were filled with rich color and the
bright hues of worldly fortune. I gazed upon my own life and was
disheartened.

My angel was sewing the ragged pieces of cloth together, threadbare and
empty, like binding air.

Finally the time came when each life was to be displayed, held up to the
light, the scrutiny of truth. The others rose; each in turn, holding up
their tapestries. So filled their lives had been. My angel looked upon me,
and nodded for me to rise.

My gaze dropped to the ground in shame. I hadn't had all the earthly
fortunes. I had love in my life, and laughter. But there had also been
trials of illness, and wealth, and false accusations that took from me my
world, as I knew it. I had to start over many times. I often struggled with
the temptation to quit, only to somehow muster the strength to pick up and
begin again. I spent many nights on my knees in prayer, asking for help and
guidance in my life. I had often been held up to ridicule, which I endured
painfully, each time offering it up to the Father in hopes that I would not
melt within my skin beneath the judgmental gaze of those who unfairly
judged me.

And now, I had to face the truth. My life was what it was, and I had to
accept it for what it was.

I rose and slowly lifted the combined squares of my life to the light.

An awe-filled gasp filled the air. I gazed around at the others who stared
at me with wide eyes.

Then, I looked upon the tapestry before me. Light flooded the many holes,
creating an image, the face of Christ. Then our Lord stood before me, with
warmth and love in His eyes. He said, "Every time you gave over your life
to Me, it became My life, My hardships, and My struggles.

Each point of light in your life is when you stepped aside and let Me shine
through, until there was more of Me than there was of you."

May all our quilts be threadbare and worn, allowing Christ to shine
through!

Hoping you can see through my quilt
Tina

Friday, January 12, 2007 10:43 AM CST

I have to start off by telling on myself. I am terrible with birthday dates. If I don’t write them down I usually don’t remember. Well, early this week I was being slick and wrote Trish’s birthday on my calendar for yesterday. Yesterday was one wild day at work. At one point I didn’t know whether I should lay my head down and cry or just laugh. Thanks to my boss laughing was the winner. Anyway in all the work business I forgot to call so I was pretty bummed this morning to have to call and admit what a “great” friend I am. When I called Trish said “What are you talking about my birthday is today” . So, it turned out I was not as bad as I had thought. So if you get a chance stop by www.caringbridge.org/ar/emmagrace and wish my sister Trish a happy birthday.

Looks like work is going to be crazy again today but at least it is Friday. It is supposed to rain all weekend so maybe I can get some house stuff done.

I hate I don’t have more to say today but I am sure I will catch up next week. Have a great weekend!

In Him
Tina

Wednesday, January 10, 2007 10:48 AM CST

I hate not to journal but I also don’t have much to say. Life goes on. No matter how I feel or don’t feel, life goes on. That is a very hard mode to get back into when your world seemed to stop for over 2 years. Even harder when you go back into the world a different person than you left it. I know this is making no sense but are any of you surprised? I am really bad about looking back in my journal at what was going on in my world a year and 2 years ago. I read the entries from 2005 and it seems like it was yesterday. I remember every moment. As I read it I can’t even believe that it is my life I am reading about. Okay, enough about that, you know I have to have my little pity party every now and then.

Life for us consist of work, school, trying to decorate the house, duck hunting, weight lifting, family game nights, and just pure lazy days. Work for me is in high gear as we are scheduled for an unannounced survey any day now so I am working way more hours than I like to but it is good for me too. Jeff is working, always counting down the days to his next duck hunt, figuring out where he is going and who is going with him. Hayden is finishing up the first semester of his junior year. His grades are not what we had hoped for, but kind of what we expected. This has been a very tough semester on him with several things going on and some very uncompassionate teachers. He will be having to take Chemistry over again next semester but we are, notice I said we because it will be a team effort, getting ready to make a HUGE stab at it. Since I have done some of it this go round I should be able to help him more next time. He is lifting weights for football which he is liking especially since he is putting his weight back on. He is determined that it will be muscle. We spend several nights a week playing games with he and his girlfriend, Kendall. Our newest game is Monopoly. Hayden decided that we could play it so that maybe Kendall and I could win. We were playing Clue and Hayden was always winning. I am not sure Monopoly is the game for us either. Hayden is so serious and gets very mad at me at times. He is much better if he is winning. I can’t tell you what it means to me that he is willing to sit down and play with me. He continues to be such an amazing blessing to me.

I guess I need to get back to work, it is another busy day.

By His Grace Alone
Tina

Monday, January 8, 2007 11:14 AM CST

It really doesn’t seem right that Friday would take so long to get here and then Monday could come around so quickly. I stayed at home all weekend. I had enough house cleaning to be done to stay home for a week and not finish not to mention I brought plenty of work home. On top of all of this I have had a terrible headache for 5 days now. You could never know how frustrating it is to hurt all day for days. It will eventually go away.

Hayden went back to the doctor on Friday and got some pretty good news. The medicine appears to be working. We haven’t gotten the lab results back yet but his heart rate was down and he gained 16 pounds in a month. These were 16 much needed pounds for him. We thought the medicine was working because he has been a lot nicer to be around and seemed to feel better but it was good to hear it from the mouth of someone who would know.

His weekend was busy as usual. I can remember when I wanted to go all of the time and never stop. Instead now, when I get home I don’t want to go anywhere. Could it be that I am getting old? Of course not ha ha!!

I got Christal’s CD in on Friday and I have to tell you that if you didn’t order it I highly recommend it. www.christalinfo.com . I listened to it and can tell you that through the tears there were many times of laughter. It took me back to the days at the RMH when we would be sitting around and Christal would make us all laugh out of the blue. I never thought I would ever say this when we were there but I would do anything to be back there at the RMH.

This weekend I also started watching a Bible Study called “Be Still”. It wasn’t long into the DVD that I realized why I needed to be watching it. How many times do you pray and spend the entire prayer talking to God? Sounds like a crazy question doesn’t it? For me, it was all of the time. God and I have conversations all of the time. After thinking about it I realized that our conversations are very one sided. I do all of the talking. If God tried to answer me did I ever give Him the opportunity? So, I tried it. Rather than spending all of my prayer time talking I spent at least half of it listening. The result, something so powerful that I cannot even begin to explain it. At one point I could almost physically feel God’s arms wrapped around me. I can’t believe what I have been missing. I encourage you to try it.

Thanks again for your continued love and support.

Listening not talking for awhile
Tina

Friday, January 5, 2007 11:23 AM CST

Is it really Friday? Boy this has been one long week and it doesn’t look like the weeks are going to get any shorter any time soon. I guess I won’t complain because I love the work that I do. It is strange because work is the one place that I feel normal. I don’t feel like I have lost any of the edge like I have in life in general. Not really lost the edge, but the edge is different. I am different.

Thank you for the kind words of encouragement in the guestbook after yesterdays entry. Sandy, I actually laughed out loud when I read your entry because it was like you have known me all of my life. My counselor and I work often on the fact that I put way to much pressure on myself. I know that but it is something very hard to change. It did me some good to hear it from someone else’s mouth.

No big plans for this weekend. I do have work that I will be doing but it will be from home. I have started a couple of books and want to finish one this weekend. One is written by Elizabeth Edwards (John Edward’s wife). I never realized that she lost a son in a car accident and in her book she talks about her life from beginning to now and a big portion of it is about how they as a family dealt with her son’s death. It is incredible to be reading something and to sit there and know exactly what she is talking about, to know exactly what she is feeling.

I think the one thing that sticks out the most from almost all Christians that I have read about that have lost a child is the fact that we all know that God still has plans for us. No, we will not always understand, there are days when I really don’t want to understand, I just want to obey. Don’t get me wrong, there are still more days than not that I wish I understood. I have just learned to keep my eyes and ears open because I never know when my plan will be revealed.

With open eyes, ears and heart
Tina

Thursday, January 4, 2007 10:16 AM CST

I am so sorry it has taken me so long to get this journal entry posted. Work has been very very busy and I have so much to say I knew it would take some time.

Before I start I want to thank Dena for the precious “no-men” ornaments for Stanton’s tree. You cannot possibly imagine the smile on my face when I read the note included. I could almost hear Stanton saying it just like that. Most of you know my biggest fear in the entire world is that Stanton will be forgotten and gestures like this one, and mom sending money to the RMH for Stanton for Christmas remind me that there are some that will just never forget. That really does my heart good, especially as the days pass so quickly.

I usually do a new year update that includes many things that happened over the past year so bear with me as I write this, it may get a little long.

As the year 2006 rolled in so did many emotions for me. Nobody had really warned me how bad New Year’s Day would be. That rang true again this year. I guess once again the fear of it being another year without Stanton and another year older the memories that we have are just hits really hard with the changing of one number. I guess I just wanted to stay in 2005 because that is where Stanton was. (Keep in mind when I am writing this that I know some of the thoughts are a little irrational but I hope you can understand).

January started a new venture in this journey I call ‘My Life”. I was asked to be the team leader for Louisiana for CureSearch and the National Childhood Cancer Foundation. I made a trip to Washington D.C., which I have to say is a most exciting city. Of course the trip would not have been complete without my dear sister, Trish. We enjoyed visiting Capital Hill advocating for more funds for childhood cancer research. Oddly enough it felt like I was doing something for Stanton although the money won’t help him.

The month ended doing probably my favorite job of all, raising money for St. Jude. The Minden St. Jude Auction was in memory of Stanton and yes, it was a most difficult weekend but the number at the end made it more than worthwhile. We were able to set yet another record of over 700,000 dollars!!!!! On this subject, we are gearing up for this years annual auction which will be the first weekend in February. I will let you know when the website has all of the items on it ready for pledges.

February rolled around just as I knew it would although I dreaded it with every ounce of my being. The first anniversary of Stanton’s death came and it was no easier than I expected. I will never forget Mrs. Joyce coming to my office at 2:00 and saying “You wanted everyone to pray at 2 so here I am and I want to pray with you.” Joyce will always hold a special place in my heart. Now with this said, I want to let everyone in on a little secret, especially if you are a friend of someone who is grieving. Just because someone has made it through the first year does not mean that things are okay and that their life will be back to normal. My life has been changed forever and contrary to what many think I will never be back to my old way of “normal”. The pain doesn’t end when you celebrate the first anniversary of the death, if anything it gets worse. This year has been much harder for me than the first one. Sorry to ramble but just wanted to help someone else out if I could.

Now, not only did we recognize the 13th as the day of Stanton’s death, we celebrated his birth on Feb. 14th. I knew this day would be a difficult one, maybe even more so than the day before. I think Hayden put it best when he said “On Valentines Day people are thinking about so many things but for him all he would think about was Stanton. It was just not another day for him.” I have to say that one of my greatest blessings in life, my wonderful husband, Jeff, really went above and beyond to make this day special. He contacted Hillary and Jason of one of the local radio stations thinking he was entering a contest for flowers. Those 2 along with so many others made sure that this day would be one that would not be forgotten and it would not be one filled with sad memories. I was taken by limo to breakfast and then treated to many other goodies. I do not know how my day would have gone had it not started like this but I am thankful that I did not have to find out.

Spring rolled around and another new journey in our life would begin. We would be finalizing the plans for our new house. As most of you know this was a very bittersweet time for me. The plans came together and something I never thought would happen did, we started building a new house.

Summer came and went and before we knew it school was starting again. I was the mother of a JUNIOR!!!!!!! Of course Hayden is another of the top blessings in my life. His life has been filled with more pain than any one person should endure in a lifetime yet he has endured it over the course of 17 years. He continues to be a tower of strength and one amazing kid. You could tell at the beginning of the year that things were a little difficult for him but I just let it go as “not that unusual based on everything he has been through.” I wish I would have gone with my gut from the beginning because by the time I demanded he go to the doctor he had way to much catching up to do. Over the next couple of months he would endure even more heartache, to include a wreck totaling his truck and finding out he has one kidney and Graves Disease.

The fall months also held many losses for us once again. Christal, Travis, Jake, Jerry and Fred to name just a few earned their angel wings and joined Stanton in Heaven. Yet again almost too much to explain to a 17 year old.

In October yet another journey began, “My life in a new house”. To be honest with you I never even knew if I would have the strength to leave our old house when it came time. I managed and although difficult it has been somewhat of a new beginning for me. Don’t get me wrong, there will never be a life for me without Stanton in it but it has been different.

Through all of the trials that this year brought, it also brought with it many blessings. Of course our family has continued to stand beside us and support us however and when ever we need it. The friends that have stayed around are incredible and how could I mention blessings without mentioning you guys, my prayer warriors, support group, friends, shoulder to cry on, ear (or eye) to listen to me vent when I needed to. You all are wonderful. But my biggest blessing of all is as always my God who promises me that I will not go through this life alone, He will always be with me and although I do not understand His ways, I trust that His ways are perfect for my life. Just as a great friend once told me “God never promised me a perfect life, just His perfect love.”

Trusting Him
Tina

Tuesday, January 2, 2007 10:12 AM CST

Happy New Year! I know you are probably waiting on a detailed update but time is pretty scarce today so I just wanted to let you all know that we were all still here, managed to ring in the new year and come back to work and school this morning.

I will update more on my feelings of a new year tomorrow. I couldn’t journal today without mentioning that it was 4 years ago today that our world was turned upside down for good. I can remember January 2, 2003 like it was yesterday. Every move I made at what time and why. It would be that evening that we would be told Stanton had neuroblastoma and that we would be forced to make decisions no parent should ever have to make.

Thank you all for continuing on this journey with us. Your support continues to mean so much!

In Him
Tina

Wednesday, December 27, 2006 11:50 AM CST

I hope everyone had a very Merry Christmas! Ours was okay. I have to say that this year was harder than last year. Why you ask? I haven’t been able to pinpoint one particular thing but several. The biggest reason I think is because since this was not our first Christmas without Stanton that we were supposed to be okay. This was not the case at least for me. Maybe last year I was geared up emotionally because I knew it was going to be hard. Maybe it was because that as time moves on Stanton seems farther and farther away. The Christmas memories we have of him are just that, memories. We will never make any new ones.

We started having Christmas last Thursday evening. We had some very good friends and their 2 kids over to eat and exchange gifts. Without going into a lot of detail (you will just have to trust me on this) I have to say that I believe “Notnats” joined us for Christmas that evening. For those of you who don’t remember, “Notnats” is the name we used for Stanton’s alter ego when he was being not so good. Let’s just say that Thursday night if it could go wrong it did but everyone was okay which was good. We made some great memories that will not be forgotten.

Saturday we had Christmas at my grandmothers house. This is one of those traditions from when I was a kid that still happens. It was great to see so many of my cousins and their children that I do not get to see very often. It always amazes me how many people we can fit into mamaw’s house.

Christmas Eve I woke up not feeling to great so I just laid on the couch until that afternoon. That evening we had Christmas with my mom’s family at her house. Again, I enjoyed visiting with family that I had not seen in a while. It was during both of these family gatherings that I really struggled. I could just see Stanton playing with the kids and opening his presents. There was defiantly a HUGE void all weekend.

Christmas morning was a rat race as usual. I tried to stay focused and concentrate on the motions. After Christmas at Jeff’s dad’s we stopped by the angel garden to release balloons. It was cold and raining but that did not stop us. I love watching the balloons go up into the sky. Monday morning was the first time that they had ever flown in a different direction. They went completely opposite of the way that they usually go. We stood and watched them until they were out of site. From there we went to mom’s house for Christmas with my family. It made me feel so good that mom did not forget Stanton. She had gotten a balloon for each of us to release from her house. This was a little tricky because it was still raining and the wind was blowing. Several balloons got stuck in the trees but that made it more fun because we watched each of them as they worked their way loose and into the sky. Lunch was at Sug’s (Jeff’s grandmother) and was as wild as always. It was fun getting to listen to the kids and what they had gotten for Christmas. By the time the afternoon rolled around I was exhausted and just needed some down time which is exactly what I did. I have to tell you though that by that evening God blessed me with a beautiful sunset which was a reminder that Stanton is okay and so very happy. It had rained all day and there had been no sun in site but about 5:30 as I was leaving mom’s house there was the most beautiful pink, purple and orange sunset. I ran home, got my camera and took a picture. It helped to set my mind and heart at ease.
I know you all probably get tired of hearing me whine and I apologize. I am trying so hard to be better. I want to be able to move on so that Stanton can be proud of me. But there is still this part of me that is scared of forgetting, scared to move on. I really just can’t explain it.

Thank you for your continued prayers and support to help me through this holiday season.

By His Grace
Tina

Thursday, December 21, 2006 11:04 AM CST

Twas The Night Before Christmas
For Childhood Disease

Twas the night before Christmas, when all through the house,
Not a creature was stirring, not even a mouse,
The stockings were hung by the chimney with care
But some children’s stockings were missing this year

Children were nestled all snug in their beds
Some parents cling to memories dancing in their heads
These children all fought their battles so strong
Why oh why God did disease have to come along?

Whether Cancer, Leukemia, Brain tumors or AIDS
These children all fought for each precious day
From needles to transplants to losing their hair
These angels still found a smile to share

Their memories live on…these precious little ones
Disease has taken so many of our daughters and sons
Children should not have to go through this fear
Please oh please God…can you send us a cure?

Star after star after star they came…
Heavenly lights displays each precious name
Each angel a story, a family forever changed…
As we read each childs star…name after name…

Stanton and Emma Grace and Jake and Allie…
There’s Christal and Ben and Shae and Zoie
Their stories all told, and memories held dear…
These children are spending Christmas in heaven this year.

The sky is twinkling their stars do shine
So many hearts touched especially mine
A bundle of joy…missed so sadly will be
Their memories will continue on…for all to see

Their eyes how they twinkled, their smiles were so bright
Just like their stars that now light up our night
Shattered lives, futures changed, a puzzle incomplete
The meaning of life…these parents now seek

God went right to work, and spoke not a word
These children are now..as free as a bird
God brings comfort and strength and has plenty to share
The burdens will be eased with his loving care

God is caring and strong, and needed so much
And they smile in God’s presence so graciously touched
God filled each stocking with faith…hope…and love
God blessed us all…and back to heaven He rose

Please hold us all close Father…let us feel your love
Take care of the children up in Heaven above
Send each parents love to their angel in the sky
Until we are united in Heaven…and can understand why

Childhood disease is so present today
We can’t ignore it…we must find a way
To cure these diseases too many to name
Please pray for a cure in Jesus’s name

Disease can happen anytime…anywhere…to anyone
We must not quit until the battles are won!
Lets make 2007 the year
For a better cure.

Merry Christmas
Jeff, Tina, Hayden and Angel Stanton

Wednesday, December 20, 2006 11:24 AM CST

This will probably be short and sweet as I am not feeling well at all today. I guess I am trying to get bronchitis or something. I just know that from my neck up it hurts and I am coughing pretty bad.

Not much is really going on in our world anyway though. I sat here yesterday thinking about things and I really cannot believe that this is our 2nd Christmas without Stanton. I have to say that as of now this year has been harder than last year. I know a lot of it is pressure that I put on myself to put up this brave front. But I also know that there are a lot of people who really don’t understand how hard this is. I know that at some point I will at least learn how to cope with the loss in a way that does not bring so much sadness but I also know that the hurt will ALWAYS be there.

I think about Stanton’s last Christmas and how different yet how very special. He loved this time of year. One thing that I think set him apart from so many his age, other than the obvious, is his ability to love the idea of giving gifts as much as getting them. I to this day have a jar that had the smell good gel in it that he gave me that last Christmas. It is all dried up with no smell but it is sitting on my shelf. It will always remind me of a very special Christmas.

I talk a lot about Stanton giving but Hayden is the same way. He was talking to me last night about the gifts he had to get and they were for grandparents that I already have gifts for. That was not good enough for Hayden. He wants to get his own gifts with his own money. I remember in Elementary school when they had the store to go shop in for Christmas, Hayden would stretch the money he had been given so that everyone got a gift not just Jeff and I.

Once again, through all of the pain , I have so much that I am blessed with.

If I don’t feel better I may not journal for a few days so do not be concerned. I hope each and every one of you has a very Merry Christmas!

Blessed Always
Tina

Tuesday, December 19, 2006 1:16 PM CST

Well, I don’t have much to say today but I just got this email and you know I have to share. This time of year we tend to get so busy that we forget what the season is all about and we sure forget to take the time to teach others what it is all about. I challenge you that if you have kids, teach them how to give. It doesn’t have to be a gift worth a lot of money. In fact it doesn’t have to be worth money at all. You can have them help someone in need. I know some of my greatest blessings have been those that my kids have shown me in their generosity.

Read and understand

"It's not the getting, it's the giving that means
Christmas".

I remember my first Christmas adventure with Grandma. I was just a kid. I remember tearing across town on my bike to visit her on the day my big sister dropped the bomb: "There is no Santa Claus," she jeered. "Even dummies know that!"

My Grandma was not the gushy kind, never had been. I fled to her that day because I knew she would be straight with me. I knew Grandma always told the truth, and I knew that the truth always went down a whole lot easier when swallowed with one of her world-famous cinnamon buns. I knew
They were world-famous, because Grandma said so. It had to be true.

Grandma was home, and the buns were still warm. Between bites, I told her everything. She was ready for me. "No Santa Claus!" she snorted. "Ridiculous! Don't believe it. That rumor has been going around for years, and it makes me mad, plain mad. Now, put on your coat, and let's go."

"Go? Go where, Grandma?" I asked. I hadn't even finished my second world-famous, cinnamon bun. "Where" turned out to be Kerby's General Store, the one store in town that had a little bit of just about everything. As we walked through its doors, Grandma handed me ten dollars. That was a bundle in those days. "Take this money," she said, "and buy something for someone who needs it. I'll wait for you in the car." Then she turned and walked out of Kerby's. I was only eight
Years old. I'd often gone shopping with my mother, but never had I shopped for anything all by myself. The store seemed big and crowded, full of people scrambling to finish their Christmas shopping. For a few moments I just stood there, confused, clutching that ten- dollar bill, wondering what to buy, and who on earth to buy it for.

I thought of everybody I knew: my family, my friends, my neighbors, the kids at school, the people who went to my church. I was just about thought out, when I suddenly thought of Bobby Decker. He was a kid with bad breath and messy hair, and he sat right behind me in Mrs. Pollock's grade-two class. Bobby Decker didn't have a coat. I knew that because he never went out for recess during the winter. His mother always wrote a note, telling the teacher that he had a cough, but all we kids knew that Bobby Decker didn't have a cough, and he didn't have a coat. I fingered the ten-dollar bill with growing excitement. I would buy Bobby Decker a coat! I settled on a red corduroy one that had a hood to it. It looked real warm, and he would like that. "Is this a Christmas present for someone?" the lady behind the counter asked kindly, as I laid my ten dollars down. "Yes," I replied shyly. "It's .... for Bobby." The nice lady smiled at me. I didn't get any change, but she put the coat in a bag and wished me a Merry Christmas.

That evening, Grandma helped me wrap the coat in Christmas paper and ribbons (a little tag fell out of the coat, and Grandma tucked it in her Bible) and wrote, "To Bobby, From Santa Claus" on it -- Grandma said that Santa always insisted on secrecy. Then she drove me over to Bobby Decker's house, explaining as we went that I was now and forever officially one of Santa's helpers.

Grandma parked down the street from Bobby's house, and she and I crept noiselessly and hid in the bushes by his front walk. Then Grandma gave me a nudge. "All right, Santa Claus," she whispered, "get going." I took a deep breath, dashed for his front door, threw the present down on his step, pounded his doorbell and flew back to the safety of the bushes and Grandma. Together we waited breathlessly in the darkness for the front door to open. Finally it did, and there stood Bobby.

Fifty years haven't dimmed the thrill of those moments spent shivering, beside my Grandma, in Bobby Decker's bushes. That night, I realized that those awful rumors about Santa Claus were just what Grandma said they were: ridiculous. Santa was alive and well, and we were on his team.

I still have the Bible, with the tag tucked inside: $19.95.

He who has no Christmas in his heart will never find Christmas under a tree.
----------------------------------------------------------------------
By His Grace Alone
Tina

Monday, December 18, 2006 10:46 AM CST

One week until Christmas can that really be? Time really does fly even if you are not having fun.

No fun was not the case this weekend, I had a very special visitor, Sammy, who is 4 spend the night with me Saturday night. Elynn Kate and Mary Claire also came and had a slumber party with us. After I picked up Sammy Saturday morning we had a full day planned but first we had to go to Wal-Mart to get some groceries for the weekend. As we were driving into town all I could think of is this is how it is supposed to be. I am not supposed to spend the weekends alone, I am supposed to have a tag along. Needless to say, I had so much fun with Sammy and the girls. I was reminded though just how out of practice I was. I am going to brag a little though, by 9:00 they had all been fed, bathed, put to bed and were asleep and we were on time for Sunday School the next morning. I don’t think Jamie was to fond of the chocolate covered doughnuts and chocolate milk we had for breakfast but the kids loved it.

Hayden is out of school for Christmas break. He left early this morning to spend the day with my dad. I know they will have fun, they always do they just don’t get to spend time together like they used to.

An email to share with you:

An elderly Chinese woman had two large pots, each hung on the ends of a pole, which she carried across her neck.
One of the pots had a crack in it while the other pot was perfect and always delivered a full portion of water, at the end of the long walk from the stream to the house, the cracked pot arrived only half full.

For a full two years this went on daily, with the woman bringing home only one and a half pots of water. Of course, the perfect pot was proud of its accomplishments. But the poor cracked pot was ashamed of its own imperfection, and miserable that it could only do half of what it had been made to do.

After 2 years of what it perceived to be bitter failure, it spoke to the woman one day by the stream. "I am ashamed of myself, because this crack in my side causes water to leak out all the way back to your house."
The old woman smiled, "Did you notice that there are flowers on your side of the path, but not on the other pot's side?" "That's because I have always known about your flaw, so I planted flower seeds on your side of the path, and every day while we walk back, you water them. For two years I have been able to pick these beautiful flowers to decorate the table. Without you being just the way you are, there would not be this beauty to grace the house."

Each of us has our own unique flaw. But it's the cracks and flaws we
each have that make our lives together so very interesting and rewarding. You've just got to take each person for what they are and look for the good in them.

Cracked and Flawed
Tina

Friday, December 15, 2006 10:15 AM CST

Okay, it is finally Friday!!! This has been one very long week. There has been so much going on at work but again, that is okay.

Hayden gets out of school today and I know he is so glad. With his new medicine he is able to sleep better so I know he will be catching up on that this week.

My hospital Christmas party is tonight which should be fun. I could not make myself go last year but I decided that I would be there this year. I even signed up to work the front table so that I knew I could not back out.

I have had so much going through my mind lately and there seems to be so much I want to share and then when I decide what to share I see something better. I read the following on Brent’s site this morning. It starts with one of my very favorite verses so I knew I was going to like what followed. Several of my devotions from this week have talked about perseverance. This is a subject that I love to read about what God says about it because that is what I feel like I am trying to do each and every day without Stanton.

The Race
12/14/2006

"I have fought the good fight,
I have finished the race, I have kept the faith."
2 TIMOTHY 4:7

"There is much satisfaction in finishing something you have begun! The success of a race is determined not only by how well you begin but also by how well you end. Many athletes can begin a race impressively, but if they stumble or are injured or lack the stamina to finish, their good start is useless. Paul rejoiced that he had not only begun the race but he had also finished it. His prize was a robust faith in God and a life filled with God's powerful presence.

The Christian life is not easy. Some mistakenly assume that once they become children of God, their struggles are over. Many Christians begin their walk with Christ enthusiastically, but as the pressures mount, they lose heart and abandon their pilgrimage.

Paul described His Christian life as a battle. There were times when he struggled, and only through perseverance could he continue. It may surprise us to know that the great apostle had to struggle at times to be faithful to God. Paul faced persecution, misunderstanding, betrayal, and death threats. His Christian life was anything but easy, yet he persevered.

Your faith in God is not proven by beginning the race but by enduring to the finish. Publicly announcing your commitment to Christ in your church does not compare with a lifetime of devotion to His cause. Use Paul as your model. Live your life in such a way that you can one day conclude, ""I have fought the good fight, I have finished the race, I have kept the faith!"""

You can learn more about Dr. Blackaby, his writings, and his ministry at www.blackaby.org, or write:

Blackaby Ministries International
P.O. Box 16338
Atlanta, GA 30321

Devotion taken from namb.net

Praying to Endure
Tina

Thursday, December 14, 2006 10:53 AM CST

2:00 I mentioned a couple of days ago about a soldier from our town that was killed in combat. His parents are on their way to Dallas to pick up his body and return to Minden. His services will be this weekend. Please stop by www.shreveporttimes.com and go to the obituarues where you can sign a guestbook letting them know how thankful we are for Josh and his love for our country. My heart aches for his mother as there is nothing like the loss of a child. Joshua Barrett Madden.

Does it feel like Friday to anyone else but me? This has been one long week. I have been crazy busy at work and it doesn’t appear that it is going to slow down anytime soon. Of course I do like staying busy because it keeps my mind occupied.

Last night we took our 3-5 year old choir kids to the nursing home to sing and pass out Christmas cards. I must tell you that as hard as it was, it did my heart a world of good. I promise you that there is nothing like the innocence of a child to make you see things in a whole new light. These kids were amazing. They went from room to room, not intimidated by anyone. They sang, visited, passed out cards and wished a Merry Christmas to every room we passed. There was even one little girl that would go into the room of a sleeping patient and ever so gently leave a Christmas card on their bed. She said “they will need it when they wake up”. My heart just melted. How much better would the world be if all of us could look at life through the eyes as innocent as a child? I can think of a million ways that my life would be simplified. I think this is something that I will try. As we walked around the meaning of Christmas was abundant. I couldn’t help but notice the joy on the nursing home patients eyes as these kids came and sang to them. My heart wondered about their story, family, kids, etc.

Needless to say, on the way home I thought a lot about Christmas now and Christmas pasts and the differences. There were many but still so much to be thankful for. So I thought I would give you a list of things I am going to do for Christmas to make it more joyful for me.

1. I am going to spend special time with my family. I know too well that each day we are given is precious and that I am not guaranteed a tomorrow. I want each Christmas to be a memorable one.
2. I am going to SLOW DOWN! There is no reason for us to be in such a hurry during the Christmas season. I will not let rushing around take away from the true joy and hope that Christmas offers us. If I choose to spend time with Jeff and Hayden and don’t get the Christmas cards out then I think it is time well spent.
3. I am going to take time to thank God for all of the blessings that He has provided me through the year. Yes, it has been another tough one but there have been many blessings along the way.
4. I am going to keep Stanton’s spirit alive by doing things that he would enjoy. I am going to talk about him, look at pictures and videos. If you know me plan on talking about him and if it makes you uncomfortable I am sorry.
5. I am going to love on my baby. Hayden is the most precious thing in the world to me and I am going to show him that. For those of you who have children, remember that they are a special gift from God. He found you worthy enough to shape the emotional, spiritual and physical well being of one of His children. Don’t take this gift lightly. And I don’t think I have to remind you to never, ever take these gifts for granted.

Thank you all who continue to check on our family, who continue to pray for our family and most of all continue to love our family. You will never know how very special you are to us.
Celebrating the Season
Tina

Tuesday, December 12, 2006 10:14 AM CST

Good morning all! I am sorry about the lack of update yesterday but I have to tell you, I have just not been good lately and I thought that if I couldn’t post a positive post then I would not post at all. Then I thought about it and I realized that I spend 98% of my time pretending to be okay and that I was just not going to do that when this journal is supposed to be to help me. Don’t get me wrong, there are days that are good but I have to tell you, this Christmas is proving to be a much more difficult emotional challenge than last year. Not sure why, maybe I was still in shock, maybe people tiptoed around me a little more, maybe everyone didn’t expect me to be okay so I didn’t feel like I had to BE okay. Well, maybe you can understand all of that. Bottom line is I miss my baby and it seems so unfair that this is how my life has to be.

Our weekend was good. I had to work Saturday for a little while but then I got a chance to go Christmas shopping. I didn’t shop long because I just couldn’t get into it. I know many of you will find that hard to believe. Elynn Kate kept me laughing so that helped. She is one serious shopper.

Sunday I woke up with my eyes matted together, a severe headache and sore throat. Yes, I guess it is my turn to have the crud. To make matters worse, it is going to be 72 degrees today. I wore my snowman sweater for our office Christmas party but I am afraid that they are going to melt before I get home.

Last night was my grandfather’s Christmas party at the nursing home. Let me just say that if you can go to one of these Christmas parties and not remember the real meaning of Christmas then you will never get it. It was good to see Papaw smiling and laughing. He and my mamaw both have always loved Christmas and even after mamaw was gone papaw still loved to have everyone together. As I sat there, I was on the verge of tears several times, not because of papaw because he was making the best of things and making us all smile but because the ways things change just hit me hard. I think back to the Christmas’ when my mamaw was alive and well and how much she loved to shop for everyone and how much she loved to cook and have way to much food when everyone came on Christmas Eve. Even when she was sick she made sure we were still coming and that she had something for everyone. It seems about the time this tradition changed, my entire life changed. Nothing would ever be the same again. We would start new traditions. We would lose my mamaw and Stanton within about a year of each other. I guess the point is that things change and there really isn’t anything I can do about it except make the best of it.

There were several people there that did not have family to bring them gifts and this just broke my heart. The nursing home made sure they had a present from Santa but you know that just is not the same. There was a lady behind us in this situation so I turned around to talk to her. She was so sweet and I loved visiting with her. Needless to say she will have more gifts on Christmas Day, this Santa will make sure of it.

This week will be a very busy one as will most days until Christmas. There are parties to go to, friends to see and shopping to do. I am going to keep putting one foot in front of the other and try to keep a smile on my face. If you are around me and I just don’t seem to be me don’t be alarmed, you may just be seeing the real me. I will work through this just as I do everything else, with God’s neverending love and support. Christmas is the beginning of the hope that I have that I will one day see Stanton again.

In Him
Tina

Friday, December 8, 2006 10:21 AM CST

Good morning all! I am so glad it is Friday although I have to come to work tomorrow. I am so far behind from being off so much for doctors appointments and working with no one else here I can get so much done. I have so much to do but my head hurts so bad. I hope this is a short lived headache.

Yesterday was a good day. If you haven’t checked out the Raborn’s website you might want to www.caringbridge.org/la/jakeowen. It was good to see that good things do happen to good people. I am so excited for them.

I had fun last night in downtown Minden with Jamie and the girls and Casey and crew. I tell you that Elynn Kate is a mess but is a riot. She was so fun but wanted no part of Santa Claus so we shopped while Jamie and Mary Claire stood in line.

I am really trying to hang in there with all of the holiday things going on. I guess if I stay busy my mind doesn’t have time to wander. I know I told you about the tree at the angel garden. What I didn’t tell you is that when I went back to put the lights on the tree was gone. That was Sunday after an extremely stressful week so I just sat down and cried.. There was no sign of it anywhere so it appeared that someone took it. How someone could do that I have no idea but it is not the first thing to go missing. I have a new tree and decorations that I hope to have out there this weekend.

I want to ask you to pray for a special family in Minden. They found out this week that there son was killed in Iraq. His name was Joshua Madden and I believe he was 20 years old. He had just been home to see his 3 month old son for the first time. He had been in Iraq again for less than a week when he was killed. Once again my heart aches for the mom who mourns the loss of a child. How proud they must be that he was serving our country although I know that does not make the loss any easier.

I hope you all have a great weekend.

By His Grace Alone
Tina

Wednesday, December 6, 2006 10:54 AM CST

Yes, this is really my life. I have to stop every now and then and remind myself that. I was amused yesterday on the way home from the doctor when Hayden asked me a question that really caught me off guard. He asked “I know we are not supposed to test God, but why does He get to test us so much?” Before I had a chance to answer he said “I guess that is not an answer that I am supposed to know and God is in control of everything so I best just deal with it.” He continues to amaze me with his courage and wisdom to make it through each day. He could have easily pulled the “I don’t care anymore card,” but he continues to smile and go on.

As for the doctor’s visit we found out that he has Graves Disease. This is a common reason for hyperthyroidism. He will take medicine for about 3 years and hopefully put the disease into remission. Once again, a pain but something that can be fixed or at least treated.

His mouth is still very sore from where he bit his lip during the wreck. He has a hard time eating and talking.

As for me, I am continuing to take everything in stride or at least to the best of my ability. It often times feels like the world is collapsing around me but the good thing is that I am not alone.

I got this neat email yesterday and I can’t remember if I have shared this with you before or not but I liked it so I wanted to share:

A man was exploring caves by the seashore In one of the caves he found a canvas bag with a bunch of hardened clay balls. It was like someone had rolled clay balls and left them out in the sun to bake.

They didn't look like much, but they intrigued the man, so he took the bag out of the cave with him. As he strolled along the beach, he would throw the clay balls one at a time out into the ocean as far as he could.

He thought little about it, until he dropped one of the clay balls and it cracked open on a rock. Inside was a beautiful, precious stone! Excited, the man started breaking open the remaining clay balls. Each contained a similar treasure. He found thousands of dollars worth of jewels in the 20 or so clay balls he had left. Then it struck him.

He had been on the beach a long time. He had thrown maybe 50 or 60 of the clay balls with their hidden treasure into the ocean waves. Instead of thousands of dollars in treasure, he could have taken home tens of thousands, but he had just thrown it away!

It's like that with people. We look at someone, maybe even ourselves, and we see the external clay vessel. It doesn't look like much from the outside. It isn't always beautiful or sparkling, so we discount it.

We see that person as less important than someone more beautiful or stylish or well known or wealthy But we have not taken the time to find the treasure hidden inside that person.

There is a treasure in each one of us. May we not come to the end of our lives and find out that we have thrown away a fortune in friendships because the gems were hidden in bits of clay.

Looking at the Inside
Tina

Monday, December 4, 2006 11:47 AM CST

I know you have all been worried about where I have been and this time you had a good reason to worry. Needless to say things around our house have been anything but boring. If ever I have teetered on the edge, it has been this week.

I guess I will go back to Tuesday. Hayden had an appointment with the pediatric endocrinologist in Monroe. The visit went well, or at least after we got out of the waiting room. We walked into the waiting room and Dora was on TV and babies were everywhere. The doctor was very nice and kept the mood in the room light. Hayden does appear to have all of the physical sign of hyperthyroidism and the lab work to go with it but the doctor was surprised because he is a boy and because he is so young. He also had a normal heart rate and his thyroid was not swollen. He ran some more lab looking for the cause of the hyperthyroidism and we go back tomorrow for the results and hopefully the treatment that he will do. We were assured that it was nothing to be worried about and that it could be fixed.

Now on to Weds. At about 6:00 I get a call from a good friend of mine telling me that Hayden is okay but that he has been in a wreck. As a mom in general this is your worst nightmare coming true, but as a mom that has already lost one son this news in ten times worse than your worst nightmare. I was out of town as was Jeff so O.H. (Jeff’s daddy) became the caregiver. When he got to him he decided to take him to the hospital to be checked out. Come to find out it was a bit worse than the picture that they had painted for me which was probably good because I don’t think I could have taken the truth. When I got to the hospital Hayden looked terrible. Blood was covering his face and his pants. His pants had holes in the knees and his face was swollen around his eyes, nose and mouth. They scanned his head, chest and abdomen to make sure that he had no internal injuries. To make a long story short, he was a very lucky man who walked away from an accident that could have easily been a fatality.

In the process of making sure he was okay from the accident the nurse came in to hang fluids because he “only had one kidney”. We looked at her like she was crazy and told her that there had been a mistake and that he had 2 kidneys. I think we caught her offguard and she told us that she would get the doctor to talk to us. We laughed about this all night or at least until the doctor came in. After he told us everything was okay I asked him if they had found his other kidney. When he didn’t answer me right away my first response was “You have got to be kidding me?” He wasn’t and it appears that Hayden was born with just one kidney. We were assured that lots of people walk around with one kidney and that it is good that we now know. Other than the fact that the whole wreck in general was not simple I really just wish for once something in my life could be simple.

So to sum Weds. Up, Hayden had a very serious wreck. He lost control, spun around and hit a tree head on. His truck is totaled but he is okay except for the fact that he just has one kidney which is not a result of the wreck but the result of a defect from when he was born.

Needless to say Thursday Hayden was pretty soar and spent the day doped up on pain medicine and being waited on hand and foot. He really isn’t as sore as we expected him to be except for his mouth. His tooth went through his lip which is all that is still really bothering him.

Friday night he did get to go to the ballgame but did not get to dress out. He was upset about that but that is just how it had to be. I am sorry to say that our Tiders got beat but they had an incredible season and we are all ready for next year.

The weekend was much of just laying around resting which we both needed. Now it is on to a new work week with lots to do. We do go back to the endocrinologist tomorrow so please pray that the results will show something easily treatable.

Thank you for all of your prayers and continued support.

Broken, Shaken but not Hopless
Tina

Monday, November 27, 2006 11:26 AM CST

Good morning all! I hope you all had a great Thanksgiving weekend. Ours was good. We spent Thanksgiving Day at mom’s house. It is different from the years where all of my cousins would get together but it is good. Mom’s meal was good but I missed my mamaw’s or Aunt Bill’s dressing. We spent the afternoon putting up the Christmas tree. As usual this was not a fun event at our house although it was not as hectic as it has been in the past. Hayden and I both really enjoyed decorating Stanton’s tree. I was a little worried at first because it looked a little sad but in the end it looks pretty good. I think Stanton would be proud.

Thursday night we enjoyed going to watch the Crimson Tide practice football and cheering for them. It was great to see so many people from the community come out to support the kids and the coaches.

Friday I did my usual shopping duties with Debbie and her mom. I have to say that I am just not cut out for all of the crowds and excitement. I was tired much earlier in the day and found myself not wanting to stand in line to save a couple of dollars. For many of you this will be a big surprise because I used to LOVE to shop.

Friday night brought something that felt a little strange, a high school football game. The Tiders took on Neville and came out on top. This was the most exciting game of the year so far and I am so proud of our guys and how well they played the ballgame but more importantly the sportsmanship that they continue to portray. I don’t know how Coach Feaster does it but he is right on the money with these teenage boys and they respect him. It is obvious in how they play ball with such heart. We will travel to Bastrop on Friday for what will be the biggest game of the season. I know that our guys will show up ready to play ball. Congrats to all of the MHS football team!!! Roll Tide Roll!!!!!!!

I spent the day Saturday with Jamie and Elynn Kate, once again shopping. You can’t take Elynn Kate with you and not have a good time so it was okay. I did not get much accomplished but I loved spending the day with Elynn Kate.

By Saturday night I had a headache that lasted until well, I guess until now. I spent most of yesterday trying to keep my eyes closed to keep the light out of my eyes. I did manage to get it together to help Jamie get the Christmas decorations ready for the Angel Garden. Last year I had so much fun getting this stuff together. This year was a bit different. It is not that I didn’t want to do this but I just can’t believe that this is how I will spend Christmas for the rest of my life. Every year going to the Angel Garden to decorate Stanton’s grave site. I wish I could put into words how much I hate this.

This will be our 2nd Christmas without Stanton and I wish I could say that it was easier than the 1st one. I can’t but the big difference is that I feel like everyone thinks that I should be okay therefore as far as everyone else is concerned they will see that I am okay. What you all will know is that there are many lonely moments when I stare into space and cry. Not that this brings Stanton back but I know of nothing else to do. I miss him more and more each day. I shouldn’t be putting up trees for him, he should be helping me put up trees.

Someone posted this in the guestbook and I loved it, especially for those who are spending the first Christmas without your children.

The Griever's Bill of Rights For The Holidays
You have a right to say, TIME OUT!, anytime you need to. Time out to let up, blow a little steam, step away from the holidays, have a "huddle" time and start over.

You have a right to TELL IT LIKE IT IS. When people ask, "How are you…?" You have a right to tell them how you really feel, not just what they want to hear.*(*P.S. You also have the right to smile and say you're fine, because telling them how you really feel, isn't worth your time - some people will never understand anyway)

You have the right to SOME "BAH HUMBUG" DAYS. You don't have to be "Jolly Old St. Nicholas" all the time. You are not a bad person just because you don't feel like singing Christmas carols all day.

You have the right to DO THINGS DIFFERENTLY. There is no law that says you must always do Christmas the same way. You can do 10 cards instead of 100 - or no cards at all! You can open presents at somebody else's house. You can do without a tree. You can have a pizza instead of turkey! - the list is endless.

You have the right to BE WHERE YOU WANT TO BE. Be at home or at the relatives. Be in any city, any state you choose! NOBODY SAID YOU HAVE TO HAVE SNOW TO HAVE CHRISTMAS. There's no law that says you must stay home!

You have a right to SOME FUN! When you have a day that isn't so bad and you feel like doing something just for fun, then do it! Don't be afraid of what someone else will say if they see you laughing and having a good time. Laughter is every bit as important as tears!

You have a right to CHANGE DIRECTION IN MID-STREAM. Holiday grief is unpredictable. You may be all ready to go somewhere or do something and suddenly be overwhelmed. When that happens, it's all right to change your mind. There's plenty of time in life to be predictable. Exercise your right to change when you need to.

You have a right to DO THINGS AT DIFFERENT TIMES. Go to church at a different time. Open presents at a different time. Serve your meal at a different time. Give up and go to bed at a different time. Don't be a slave to the holiday clock.

You have a right to REST, PEACE, and SOLITUDE. You don't need to be busy all the time. Take a nap whenever you need one. Take time to pray and meditate to recharge your spirit, it can do you much more good than eating another huge meal.

You have the right TO DO IT ALL DIFFERENT AGAIN NEXT YEAR. Just because you change things one year: try on something different, does not mean you have written it in stone. Next year, you can always change it back or do it, in yet, another new way.
One thing I know for certain is that is easier to let people know you are hurting. It is much easier than hurting all by yourself. I say this from experience.

Sorry to end on such a whining note. Thank you all as usual.

Remembering the Reason for Christmas
Tina

Wednesday, November 22, 2006 11:28 AM CST

Happy Thanksgiving Eve everyone! I still can’t believe that it is Thanksgiving. I just want to encourage everyone to slow down tomorrow and think about everything that you have to be thankful for. I have learned that no matter how hard life is and how bad things seem there is at least one thing that you can thank God for. It may be something small with little significance but there is something.

As hard as things can be this time of the year I have so much to be thankful for. I won’t bore you with my yearly list but I can’t mention being thankful without mentioning my 2 incredible children. God blessed me with the most amazing kids ever. Although Stanton was with us only a short while on earth his energy, enthusiasm and amazing unconditional love will forever live on in our hearts and our memories. Hayden continues to amaze me with his HUGE heart and love for life. He has been through more than any person yet alone kid should ever have to go through and he is usually the one lifting my spirits. Yes, I have a lot to be thankful for.

Last night I got a chance to sit outside and look at the stars. You never realize how incredible living in the country is until you are there and see all of the things that you missed out on. The sky last night was beautiful and I know there were a million stars. I just lay there and talked to Stanton and to God. As I looked and knew that God had named every star there was no doubt in my mind that he was and always is right beside me. That in itself is a GREAT reason to be thankful.

I hope everyone has a good day tomorrow surrounded by family and friends.

Thankful Always
Tina

Tuesday, November 21, 2006 11:13 AM CST

Well here it is the Tuesday before Thanksgiving and it feels nothing like a holiday week. I guess maybe because I am trying so hard not to think about the holidays. Don’t get me wrong I do have so much to be thankful for but I just miss Stanton even more with all of the fun things that go on this time of the year.

Hayden reminded me last night how much Stanton enjoyed the holidays and how he would not want us to be miserable. I had to agree. Even so young Stanton really got the meaning of Christmas. He already loved to give as much as receive. I can remember the volunteers at the RMH Christmas store laughing because Stanton not only did not want any help picking out his gifts to Jeff and I but he also did not want any help wrapping them. I can tell you that those gifts from the Christmas of 2004 are now absolutely priceless.

I had the house all to myself last night which was okay at first but then it got very lonely. I actually watched Charlie Brown Thanksgiving by myself. I know that is pretty pathetic. As usual during my quiet time at home I spent a lot of time in conversation with God. One thing that kept creeping into my mind was a topic of devotionals that I read so many times when Stanton was sick, God’s grace. On more than one occasion during my quiet time I would be challenged with the same question, “If everything you had and everyone you knew was gone would God’s grace be enough for you?”. I have to say that during the long cancer battle I thought about this statement so many times. I wanted so bad to answer yes, but honestly I had never been faced with anything near this magnitude so I wasn’t sure. Fortunately I still have not been faced with losing everything and everyone but I have been faced with a loss that is the greatest loss for any parent. As I sat there last night lonely and wanting to hold Stanton so bad I thought back to this question. Although I still can’t answer the question as I had lost everything but I can answer it based on the loss that I have suffered. Yes, God’s grace is enough. Where would I be without this grace? To be honest I really don’t want to know. I know that in my darkest of moments when I feel so alone that God is closer to me than ever. I know that last night He sat with me on the couch and held me as I cried, he caught every tear. You see, He knows that it is His grace that has made me stronger. It is by His grace that I continue to get out of bed each and every day. It is because of His grace that I will see Stanton again some day.

I know this has been a little rambly but I think you know by now you get whatever is in my heart.

I had a request from a prayer warrior to mention a little boy in my journal. His name is Matty, www.caringbridge.org/visit/matty. I think he has the same cancer as Jake and boy has he put up a fight. His parents have been faced with the worst news a parent can get especially right here at the holidays. Stop by and let them know Stanton’s mom sent you.

By His Grace Alone
Tina

Monday, November 20, 2006 11:04 AM CST

Okay, I guess I have a little bit of catching up to do. I didn’t update on Friday because I just didn’t feel like sharing the frustration that I was feeling.

As you know I sent Hayden to the doctor last week and he told me I was just a worried mother. Well, truth be known mother knows best (oh how I hated it when my mom used to say that), there was some lab work that came back abnormal. Hayden has hyperthyroidism which explains all of the symptoms that he has been having including those that I was accusing of doing to himself. It explains why he is not sleeping, why he is having so much trouble in school and why he is losing so much weight. All this said, I have to say I was a little, no a lot frustrated and yes a little anxious about this. I just couldn’t believe that on top of everything else Hayden was going to have to deal with being sick. After I settled down a bit I realized that these lab results were actually an answered prayer. You see, I knew something was going on with Hayden and things just were not right but I thought they were all related to everything that has been going on in his life over the last few months, no maybe years. Several people had been praying with me for things in Hayden’s life to finally settle down and for him to be able to just be a kid again. With these results we will be able to accomplish this. It is fixable and a good reason why he has felt so bad. Now that I could see the good in this my job was to convince Hayden of the good as well. When I told him after the ballgame Friday night he was very frustrated and really didn’t want to talk about it. Finally he came back to me and we talked about the symptoms associated with hyperthyroidism. He looked at me, broke my heart and said “you mean I am not just crazy”. He had not told me that he had felt like something wasn’t right, he didn’t want to worry me. I hate that he has felt so bad and that I haven’t done anything about it. He will see a specialist in Monroe on Tuesday, the 28th and hopefully we will have some more answers.

Speaking of the ballgame all I can say is ROLL TIDE ROLL!!! We won and now advance to the quarter finals that will be played at home on Friday night! If you want to see a great ballgame I encourage you to come on out and support the Tide! I can imagine that it may be harder to get these guys fired up this week since they are not in school so if you see any of the players around town, be sure and give them a little encouragement.

Saturday was a very lazy day. I have so much that I need to be doing but no energy for any of it. I did manage to wash many clothes. I need to start Christmas shopping, but I can tell you that I just can’t get into it yet. I am normally finished by Thanksgiving and I haven’t even started yet. I have decided to put up 2 Christmas tress this year. I know I know, I have never even liked putting up 1 Christmas tree so why would I put up 2? Well, I kind of got the idea from Christal’s mom. The second tree will go in Stanton’s room and will have rainbow lights, blue ribbon and lots on “nomen” (snowmen). Stanton loved snowmen. I don’t know why but it is more fun and less work if I am doing it for Stanton.

Yesterday in Sunday School our lesson was on angels. Did we think there was such a thing? You know my answer to that question. It was very interesting listening to the theological explanantion to support my answer and I am anxious to hear the second part of the lesson. There was a down side to this lesson though. It brought back many memories and not to good ones at that. I went all the way back to when Stanton came home on hospice. I remember him talking to “angels” at night while he slept. I remember him describing those angels to us as kids who were very nice. I remember realizing just how sick he was when he stood up in bed and screamed “I am not ready to go yet” in the middle of the night. But I also remember feeling some comfort in knowing that Stanton was not scared of where he was going after he passed away. He would always remind me how nice the kids were. Talk about some hard memories.

I need to ask for special prayers for my mother today as she takes my grandfather to the doctor and then to be admitted to the nursing home. This has not been an easy decision for her and papaw really doesn’t want to go but there is not choice at this point. Please pray that the transition is as smooth as possible.

I am going to work really hard this week at making it a week of “thanks giving” and not a week of painful memories. I have so much to be thankful for, one of my favorites is the fact that God felt me special enough to warrant my own special angel on earth if even only for a short 4 years. I still get to carry the love of that angel with me for the rest of my life.

Thankful and Blessed
Tina

Thursday, November 16, 2006 9:58 AM CST

Good morning all. I apologize for the short update yesterday but my head hurt to bad to type. It may be a little better this morning or I am getting used to it hurting. I know you are thinking that I have way to many headaches and I would agree but this is really not a completely new problem. I have been having migraine headaches since I was about 15. The difference now is the length of time that they last and the frequency of them. I am pretty sure they are stress related, imagine that me stressed? I am going to see a neurologist just to be on the safe side and hopefully he will have an idea so I can get some relief.

I made Hayden go to the doctor yesterday. He was pretty aggravated with me because he didn’t think that was necessary but he has been very tired and losing a good bit of weight recently. So far everything has checked out okay but there is still some blood work we are waiting on. He called me when he got finished and said “I have worry mother syndrome”. Okay, so I probably do worry about him more than most moms but it just comes with the territory.

I am going to keep this short as I have set a goal today to get my desk cleaned off and if you could see it you would understand that it is going to be an all day affair.

In Him
Tina

Wednesday, November 15, 2006 10:33 AM CST

Not many words today, I have a major headache! I did want to pass on this that I found on another caring bridge site. I sure enjoyed it.

DO YOU KNOW WHAT HOPE IS? ITS NOT A PRESCRIPTION. IT PUNCTUATES OUR LAUGHTER. IT SIMMERS UNDER SORROWS. DO YOU KNOW WHAT HOPE IS? ITS DREAMING OF TOMORROW. IT'S PUSHING PAST THE IMPOSSIBLE. ITS QUESTIONING THE ANSWER. IT'S RUMORS OF A BREAK, A ROLLER COASTER RIDE. DO YOU KNOW WHAT HOPE IS? ITS PERFUME FOR THE SPIRIT. TAKE MY HAND....COME....IT'S MAGIC AND ITS FREE. ITS NOT IN AN I.V. IT SPARKLES IN OUR TEARS. IT DISPUTES OUR FEARS. ITS REACHING PAST TODAY. ITS TRYING A NEW WAY. ITS POUNDING ON THE DOOR. IT'S ALWAYS SEEKING MORE. IT WHISPERS A CURE. OF REMEDIES UNSURE. IT'S CANDY FOR THE SOUL. TO SHARE IT MAKES YOU WHOLE. LETS SHARE THIS HOPE TOGETHER..." SOURCE UNKNOWN

With Hope
Tina

Tuesday, November 14, 2006 9:59 AM CST

Not much to say today. I do have the lyrics to a song I want to share. Another one of those that just touched me straight to my heart.

I know many people who hire people to clean their house only to clean the house so that the house keeper can come. I never really understood the point but many people do it. I thought about this when I heard this song. We would all be in big trouble if we had to clean up our act before God would accept us. That is something that we don’t have the power to do alone. But amazingly enough there is a God that doesn’t wait on us to be “clean” before he loves us. He loves us just as we are, even if we are broken. I am so thankful for such a loving God.

Broken & Beautiful
(Mark Schultz / Matthew West)
There’s a businessman
There’s a widowed wife
There’s a smiling face with
a shattered life
There’s a teenage girl with a choice to
make
It’s crowded here in church today

And the preacher says as the sermon ends
Please close your eyes and bow your heads
Is there anyone in need of prayer
Jesus wants to meet you here
‘cause we all fall short
We all have sinned
But when you let
God’s Grace break in…

(Chorus)
It’s beautiful
Beautiful
Come as you are
Surrender your heart
Broken and beautiful

Well he’d never been to church before
But he came today as a last resort
His world was crashing in
And he was suffocating in his sin

But tears ran down
As hope rushed in
He closed his eyes
Raised his hands
Worshiping the God who can
Bring him back to life again

(Chorus)

Cause there’s nothing more beautiful to God
Than when his sons and daughters come Broken

Alleluia
Alleluia
Come as you are

Alleluia
Alleluia
Come as you are

(Chorus)

Alleluia
Alleluia
Come as you are
(Come as you are)

Surrender your heart
Broken and beautiful

Alleluia
Alleluia
Come as you are
(Come as you are)

Surrender your heart
Broken and beautiful

Broken
Tina

Monday, November 13, 2006 11:07 AM CST

Good Monday morning all, I hope you all had a great weekend. Ours was okay. Maybe even a little quieter than usual which was nice. I will give you a brief recap.

Friday all was going good when mom called to tell me that her daddy, my grandfather was being taken to the ER. You are probably thinking the same thing I did, what else? He had fallen and had a cut on his head. A CT at the hospital would reveal a bleed apparently caused by the fall. He was transferred to LSU where he has been all weekend. He remains very confused and weak, but the bleed appears to be a little better. Please pray for wisdom for my mom and her brother as they decide what is Papaw’s next step. He lives alone and this will not be a living option for a while, if ever again.

Friday night the Crimson Tide rolled to a first round victory over Broadmore. After the bad weather came through they played an amazing game. They once again came through some adverse circumstances and came home with a win. We will play at home again next week against Sam Houston. Roll Tide!!!!!!!!!!

Saturday was an off day. Boy that sounds good, I haven’t had one of those in a while. I laid in bed a little late, washed some clothes, unpacked some boxes, watched a movie, read a book, pretty much nothing all day. The book is called “When the Bough Breaks Forever” and although I have only read a little of it, it is very good. The first point was something that I needed to hear. I become so obsessed with “overcoming the grief” or “recovering from the grief” that I lose sight of my well being. I want to put a time table on it and that is just not possible. The parents in this book talk about never “overcoming” or “recovering” but “living with” the grief. After all it is the hand that we have been dealt. It was nice to read that I may not ever “overcome” the grief but that I will learn to live with the grief. That is much easier for me to comprehend.

This weekend as I was looking at pictures it still seems unreal that Stanton is not here anymore. I know that sounds crazy as it has been a year and nine months today but his smile just jumps off of the pictures. My arms just ache to hold him once more.

Yesterday after lunch, Debbie, Dana and I went to the open houses at some of the stores in Minden. I think reality really set in when we got to the first store and there was Christmas music playing. Not the holidays again!?!?!??! It then occurred to me that Thanksgiving was next week. UGH!!!!!!!!!!! I guess it has been so busy that I have not had time to focus on the holidays which may have been a good thing.

Last night Dana, Hank, Hollan, Coltan, Amber, Wesley, Haynes and Maddux came over and Jeff cooked supper. I loved watching the kids play in Stanton’s room. They caught on very quickly as to what they could and could not play with. Before they left, Haynes had the room cleaner than it was when he got there. I have needed him the last few weeks to help me clean. The evening was good with great company.

I guess that sums up the weekend for you. Thank you once again for your continued support and prayers.

In Him
Tina

Thursday, November 9, 2006 11:31 AM CST

It is Thursday which is almost Friday which is great news!!!!!!!! It has been a long time since I was so ready for a week to end like this one.

A lot has gone on the last couple of days and I want to share with you some of the emotions that have gone along with these. You all have been so supportive and lifted me and my family up in prayer so many times and I need this to be no exception.

Tuesday evening was Fred’s visitation. The biggest problem for me was that his visitation would be held in the same room that Stanton’s was and I have not bee back there since Stanton. The one time I tried to go to the funeral home I did not even make it in the front door. I made it to the front porch and my legs just stopped. I wanted to do this so bad but just could not walk any farther. Brother Wayne came out and prayed with me and reminded me that God could give me the strength to handle anything. After a few more minutes outside I made it into the front door where I stood for another little while. I got very brave and thought I was ready to go into the chapel. As I took a couple of steps in, I looked up and all I could see was Stanton and exactly how things looked the night he lay in this room. Needless to say I stopped and thanks to the physical arms of Jeff I did not fall but more incredible than that was the feeling of being picked up by something far greater than Jeff. I could feel God’s powerful presence. If you have never experienced this then you are really missing out. I have many nights prayed that I could just sleep in Jesus’ lap only to feel this overwhelming sense of being held. There is no other way to describe it but than God is taking care of His child. With God holding me up I was able to make it to the front of the chapel and remain for all of visitation. I have to say that after a year and 9 months that this is one of the most difficult things that I have ever done.

I did get to visit with some of the most amazing people and to listen to many stories of Fred from his high school years. I loved sitting by Mrs. Strother, who has been a faithful prayer warrior, but who also taught so many of these kids when they were in school. She remembered each and every one of them and the stories that came along with them.

I also have to say a huge thank you to Christy, Allen Todd and Josh, who came Tuesday night and Wed. for Hayden. Your love and support did not go unnoticed and I thank you and love you all. It speaks volumes for the teenagers that showed up to support their friends during this difficult time.

Wed. was the funeral and I must say that it was not any easier than visitation. Again, it was at the same church as Stanton’s and although we attend this church every Sunday we have not attended a funeral there since Stanton. Before the family went into the sanctuary Brother Wayne read a passage from Isaiah. When he began reading it was the same passage of scripture that he read to me on the morning that we flew to Memphis for the very first time. Talk about make a hard day a little harder. Jeff managed to drag me down the aisle, literally. The important issue is that I did it. No matter how hard it was I managed to get through it. I will in no way claim that I did this by myself, I had tremendous support from all of the Haynes’ family, my family and most importantly I had God on my side. I can’t even begin to explain how comforting it is feeling God’s presence in such a powerful way. You will just have to trust me on this one.

The Celebration Service for Fred was incredible. I have to think he would have been pleased. As I sat there I could not get over how overwhelming my feelings were. I hurt for me but I also hurt for Sug. I can remember the feelings I had during Stanton’s Service and some of those feelings came back. As the close of the service got closer I got the feeling of not wanting it to end. I guess in your mind you know that the process of making the loss final is just about over. And I know that no matter how old your child is that losing a child is losing a child. You lose part of yourself as a mother and it is hard. I know that deep down that is why I was so determined to get through this. Sug has been so good to me over the last 17 years and has welcomed me as one of her own. Being there for her was my priority. Unfortunately I know exactly how she feels.

Our family will once again pick up the pieces and attempt to get make to life as “normal”. Thank you all for your never ending love and support.

Being Carried as Usual
Tina

Tuesday, November 7, 2006 10:12 AM CST

I wasn’t going to journal today. I just didn’t have much to say and especially not anything good. Life has been such a whirlwind over the last couple of days, on top of the old emotions that are being stirred up there are all of the new emotions that come with losing someone special.

Feeling pretty down, I checked my email and there was an email from one of the many faithful prayer warriors that continue to lift my family on a daily basis. After reading it I had to stop for a moment but then I knew I needed to share it with you.

Not Yet
The Daily Encourager

NOT YET

One day, a couple, visiting in a small town, stopped in a quaint
little shop to browse around. In the center of the store was a
display of teacups. Some were small, some large, some were quite
ornate, others were plain, but in the center was the most beautiful
of all. The couple was overwhelmed by the dainty shape of the cup,
the slight curve of the handle, the ornate and detailed painting and
the delicate nature. They stared at it while they contemplated who
could have made such a beautiful piece of work.

As they stared, suddenly the teacup began to talk to them. "I
wasn''t," it stated, "always like this. If you had seen me in the
beginning, you would not recognize me and you would never think I
could ever look as I do now. But because my Master worked on me
constantly, I appear before you as I am.

"I started out as a piece of clay. Nothing special, I sat in a lump
along with my other clay friends (you really couldn''t tell us
apart). He pulled me away from them, it was painful. I cried because
I was lonely. "He pulled me and rolled me. I screamed, ''Stop it!
You''re hurting me!'' But He said, ''*Not yet.*'' He changed my
shape and smoothed my form with his hands. I was happy when he was
finished. I thought, ''Finally, that''s over.''

"But then he lifted me up and put me in an oven. It was soooo hot! I
started yelling, ''Get me out of here! I don''t want to do this!'' I
could see him watching me through the window and he said, ''*Not
yet.*'' I wasn''t sure if I''d make it through the oven, but I did.

"When it was finished, he took me out to cool. Ahh, the air felt
good to me. I sat beside him and smiled. ''*Finally*, I can relax.''
Then he picked me up again! ''Oh no!'' I thought, ''what now!'' He
started painting me. I couldn''t believe it. Totally changing my
appearance. It smelled so bad! I kept fussing, ''Stop it, stop it!''
But he didn''t. I was covered in paint! I asked if he was finished,
if he was satisfied with what he had done to me. He smiled and said,
''*Not yet.*''

"And do you know what he did after that, even though I kept fussing
the whole time? He put me back in the oven! He put me back, and this
time it was even hotter! I cried. I begged. I pleaded, ''Please
stop!'' But he just kept smiling and said, ''*Not yet.*''

"Finally, after what seemed like an eternity, he pulled me out of
the oven. I gasped for air. I was so thankful that it was over. He
set me on a shelf and let me cool. Later he gently wiped me with a
soft cloth until my surface was shiny and sparkled. When he lifted
me again, I thought, ''Oh no, what now?'' He placed me in front of a
mirror so that I could see myself and I cried at the beauty that I
beheld. I was perfect. I was clean. My form was graceful and
elegant. My shape was unique. I noticed a bit of Him in my form. It
was strong, but delicate. The detail of the painting was amazing.
Even down to the smallest detail, He had made me beautiful. He had
made me reflect Him.

"I thanked Him for all He had done and I felt ashamed because I had
questioned Him during my transformation. I had questioned my
strength during my time in the oven. I had complained when He pulled
me away from my friends. I fought Him while He tried to change my
form and had refused to bend at His command. Now I beheld myself and
I regretted fighting and doubting everything He had tried to do for
me.

"I wanted to do something for Him, but it looked as if he was
finished with me. Surely, nothing more needed to be done. But I
asked Him, ''Lord, are you done? Will you now leave me to sit on a
shelf?'' and He said, ''*Not yet.* I will not leave you; I will not
forsake you. I will not give you more than you can bear. I will
reward you for your patience; I will bless you for your tenacity; I
will shower you with gifts for your trust in me; I will honor you
for your willingness to do my will. I will use you, yes I will use
you, time and again, to glorify me. Am I finished with you, Beloved?
*Not yet.*''"

"Humble yourselves in the sight of the Lord, and He shall lift you
up." (James 4:10)

Prayer: Use me Father. Mold me, hold me, shape me, bend me, stretch
me to my utmost. I know that I am not worthy, but I submit myself to
you and kneel ready to be changed. In Jesus Name, Amen.
Bending and Stretching
Tina

Monday, November 6, 2006 11:16 AM CST

Well, another Monday after a pretty emotional weekend for all of us. Jeff’s uncle Fred joined Stanton in heaven early yesterday morning. He had been sick but you all know that really doesn’t make things any easier. I am pretty sure he was greated by a host of children ready to play ball.

As hard as this is on Jeff and I and the rest of the family my heart probably aches for Hayden the most. He is hurting so bad and I can’t fix it. We talked yesterday and he said that this was the 6 person that he loved that has been buried in a 6 week time period. When I thought about it he was right, it has been someone every 2 weeks. I have to wonder how much heartache one 17 year old can endure??? He continues to show amazing strength when around others but I can tell how hard things are for him. To top things off he got a lecture from a teacher on Friday about life not being fair. What a joke, Hayden could write the book on life not being fair. She listed her life stressors and Hayden just had to laugh. I couldn’t believe she thought this would be of interest to him.

Yesterday was a tough one for everyone. Fred had played such an important role in all of our lives over the last many years. I sat there and just watched the brothers and Sug (Fred’s mother) and my heart ached for them. I could 100% feel Sug’s pain. I don’t care how old the child is, it is just not in the natural order of things for you to out live you child. The same is true for the brothers, the pain that they must feel.

As you can tell I am a very blessed person to have married into such a wonderful, loving family that after 17 years I consider my own. To have everyone together yesterday made a very hard situation a little easier knowing we had each other.

I have to ask to you to keep all of the Haynes’ family in your prayers as we all learn to live life without Fred. A special prayer for Hayden as he continues to attempt to make sense of a very confusing life.

Once again, I can’t thank you enough for your continued love and support.

By His Grace Alone
Tina

Minden finished it’s regular season 10-0. We play at home on Friday night for the 1st round of the playoffs.

Friday, November 3, 2006 10:31 AM CST

Good Friday morning to all! It is Minden High Day here in Minden. A great tribute to a great football season. Don’t forget that we will be playing our last regular season game tonight so if you are in town come on by.

I have started the day off a little tired but can’t really complain because I am sure Jeff is much more tired than I am. He had another shut down at his plant yesterday so he did not get home until about 12:30 and got called back to work at 2:00 this morning. He has been there ever since. I have talked to him a couple of times and he says he is fine. I don’t sleep well if he is not at home, but I sleep even less when I know he has been working so many hours.

We had a meeting about the St. Jude Auction last night. It is hard to believe that it is that time again. I know last years numbers will be hard to beat but I think we will have enough new and improved stuff that we may can do it. So, keep reading because I will be sharing with you the items that will be raffled. I had so much fun last year looking at everyone that placed bids on the internet from all over the U.S.

Yesterday was a pretty slow day. I didn’t feel good which didn’t help any. Before I went to my meeting I went by my adopted family’s house and played with the kids. I have not had a chance to spend a lot of time with them so I had a lot of catching up to do. They are so much fun!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I guess I escape the worries of my life by joining someone else’s life every now and then.

I opened my Everyday Blessings this morning to a devotional that I needed to hear. I share it with you because I want to show you how God continues to work in my life. He continues to come at the exact perfect moments. I can feel Him carrying me when I don’t feel like I can walk and this is just one example.

John 11:25

Those who believe in me, even though they die like everyone else, will live again.

“Mourning is not disbelieving. Flooded eyes don’t represent a faithless heart. A person can enter a cemetery Jesus-certain of life after death and still have a Twin Tower crater in the heart. Christ did. He wept, and he knew he was 10 minutes from seeing a living Lazarus!

And his tears give you permission to shed your own…..So grieve, but don’t grieve like those who don’t know the rest of the story.”

Holding on to the rest of the story
Tina

Thursday, November 2, 2006 1:41 PM CST

I wasn’t sure if I would get a chance to update today or not. It is very busy at work for one thing but more importantly once again I have a terrible headache. I was hoping to make it a full week without a headache but no such luck.

Last night I began tackling boxes again. I grabbed 2 I thought were just junk boxes and thought “how hard could these be?”. I learned pretty quickly that they weren’t junk boxes but rather yet 2 more boxes from Memphis that I had yet to unpack. I guess I forgot how much stuff I had pushed to the side telling myself that I would get it later.

Oh the memories that these boxes contained. Notes that Stanton had written (unreadable by all but me of course), pages that he had colored, notes from Emma Grace, a page colored for Jeff by Jake, and so much more. Jeff came in to help me and we started looking at pictures. There are so many memories. Although it is very difficult I love looking at pictures of Stanton. Jeff said last night, “He was always smiling wasn’t he?” and he was. No matter how sick he looked, there was always a smile on his face.

There are really no words to tell you how much I miss that little boy. People always tell me that time will make things better. I just don’t know if that will ever be the case for me. With each passing day I seem to miss Stanton more. He would be so much fun right now. No matter how bad it hurts though I would do it all again because I am so blessed to have been the mom of such an amazing kid.

Stanton-I miss you so very much although I know you know that already. I think of you every single day. I hope you like the room we have done for you in the new house. I tried to think of everything that you would have liked. You remember nothing but the best for my boys. I love you all the way to heaven and back!

Tomorrow night is the last regular schedule football game. It is a home game against Tioga. Minden has the opportunity to go 10-0!!!! What an accomplishment for the kids and the coaches. Roll Tide Roll!!!!!!!!!!!!

Completely Broken Hearted
Tina

Wednesday, November 1, 2006 11:03 AM CST

Not much to write about today. I am pretty busy here at work with month end so that is a good thing. It is raining and storming outside which makes for a pretty depressing day so I need something to keep my mind focused.

Last night we had ZERO trick or treaters. I wasn’t expecting a lot but I was expecting to get to see my nieces in their costumes. Needless to say I was very disappointed to find out they were already home when I called to find out where they were. You would think I would quit looking forward to some things. It only sets me up for disappointment.

We did have a bunch of teenagers over last night. I really do enjoy this age. Call me crazy but they are all so funny and most of them are so personable. They were all watching a scary movie when I went to bed.

I also can’t help but think that today is the first of the month for a very difficult couple of months. Until last year I never understood how the holidays could bring on depression and sadness in people. Unfortunately I now know. I have to work hard at making a good effort at having fun the next couple of months.

I did find something that will make the Christmas season a little easier. For those of you who were reading last year you know that Stanton had his own Christmas tree at the angel garden equipped with battery powered lights. It took 8 “D” batteries a day to keep the lights going. Yesterday I found some solar powered Christmas lights. They will be perfect for Stanton’s tree. I was so excited.

Gotta run and work on reports.

In Him
Tina

Tuesday, October 31, 2006 11:11 AM CST

Happy Halloween to all of you out there in cyber world. I must say it has been very hard to get into the mood for Halloween this year. I guess I tried so hard last year to make everything alright that I don’t have that much effort to give this year. I hope all of the remaining holidays are not like this one. I feel pretty sure we won’t have many trick or treaters out in the boon docks.

Yesterday was a fun filled day at work followed by the same ol same ol at home. Boxes boxes and more boxes to unpack. Who would have ever thought we had this much stuff!!!! Going home to the new house still seems a little surreal. It is not home yet. I have heard from so many people that have moved that have said they felt the same way so I don’t feel like a big weirdo. Here I am I have this nice new house and really all I want is to go home to the old house. I know really really strange. I know when we get through unpacking and decorating and get a chance to just go home and enjoy it should be much better.

I got an email yesterday and when I read it I knew that I was going to use it in today’s journal which is pretty unusual because I usually have no idea what I am going to write until I start typing. This one just made me stop and think.

A few years ago a group of salesmen went to a regional sales convention in Chicago. They had assured their wives that they would be home in plenty of time for Friday night's dinner. In their rush, with tickets and briefcases, one of these salesmen inadvertently kicked over a table which held a display of apples. Apples flew everywhere.

Without stopping or looking back, they all
managed to reach the plane in time for their nearly missed boarding.
All but one. He paused, took a deep breath, got in touch with his
feelings, and experienced a twinge of compassion for the girl whose
apple stand had been overturned.

He told his buddies to go on without him, waved good-bye, told one of
them to call his wife when they arrived at their home destination and
explain his taking a later flight. Then he returned to the terminal
where the apples were all over the terminal floor. He was glad he did.

The 16 year old girl was totally blind! She was softly crying, tears
running down her cheeks in frustration, and at the same time helplessly
groping for her spilled produce as the crowd swirled about her, no one
stopping and no one to care for her plight.

The salesman knelt on the floor with her, gathered up the apples, put
them back on the table and helped organize her display. As he did this,
he noticed that many of them had become battered and bruised; these he
set aside in another basket.

When he had finished, he pulled out his wallet and said to the girl,
"Here, please take this $40 for the damage we did. Are you okay?"
She nodded through her tears. He continued on with, "I hope we didn't
spoil your day too badly." As the salesman started to walk away, the
bewildered blind girl called out to him, "Mister....." He paused and
turned to look back into those blind eyes. She continued, "Are you Jesus?"

He stopped in mid-stride, and he wondered. Then slowly he made his way
to catch the later flight with that question burning and bouncing about
in his soul: "Are you Jesus?"

Do people mistake you for Jesus? That's our destiny, is it not? To be
so much like Jesus that people cannot tell the difference as we live and
interact with a world (shopping, working, reacting to others that are
serving us) that is blind to His love, life and grace.

If we claim to know Him, we should live, walk and act as He would.
Knowing Him is more than simply quoting scripture and going to church.
It's actually living the Word as life unfolds day to day.

You are the apple of His eye even though we, too, have been bruised by
A fall. He stopped what He was doing and picked you and me up on a hill
called Calvary and paid in full for our damaged fruit.

Let us live like we are worth the price He paid.

Talk about perspective. I now catch myself with almost every move asking “Will they see Jesus in you?” If the answer is no then I have a lot to think about.

Hoping you see Jesus in me
Tina

Monday, October 30, 2006 11:26 AM CST

Well, it is a new week and I happy to report that I am starting it off without a headache. You did not hear form me Friday because I was at home in the bed with a headache that was terrible. It lasted most of the weekend but appears to be better today. As for the weekend we had a busy one of course.

Friday night the Minden Crimson Tiders won the 1-4A District Championship with a win over Haughton. I am so very proud of this group of boys and the coaches that have helped to develop this group of kids. They come out week after week just to play their game and play it do they. It is exciting to see them so fired up and ready to go. And of course I am all for anything that makes Hayden happy these days.

Saturday was a fun filled day of shopping for Hayden’s birthday present (yes I am late) and then unpacking. Hayden was such a sport because I also made him shop for bathroom towels and accessories and he did so without a complaint.

Yesterday was of course church first thing and more unpacking that afternoon. I had decided that I wanted to get Stanton’s room finished or at least with all of the boxes out of it. This would be a big feat since it would mean emptying boxes and bags that I have not touched since we got home from Memphis. So while Jamie and mother helped Hayden, Mary Claire and I began to tackle Stanton’s room. Could I have done it without her? Maybe, but not nearly without the tears that she kept from falling. With Mary Claire, the memories are not sad. She brings out the good memories and before you know it you are laughing at yet something else Stanton did. And boy does this do my heart good to hear the things that she remembers. She too is a little sentimental with some things because there was a pair of shoes that Stanton wore “almost every time she saw him” and she insisted we keep them and put them on a shelf. So guess where they are? As I was sitting there with tears on the verge of falling from my eyes Mary Claire looked at me and said “that Stanton was so lucky”. I had thought of Stanton a lot of ways but maybe lucky was not one of them. Of course I had to probe further to find out why he was so lucky. Her response which of course was exactly what I needed to hear at that exact moment “because he had the best mom in the whole wide world”. Boy was that cool! Have I told you lately that I love this little girl??????

At the end of the day I had managed to get through the bags and the boxes. I have to admit it still seems pretty surreal that we are going through these things and displaying them or giving them away. Stanton should still be here. He should be enjoying his new room. I am sure my room for him does not begin to compare to the room he has in heaven.

I have to tell you a funny story before I go. For those of you who know Jeff you know that he is a little bit of a “bubba”. He always has been and that is why we love him so buuuttttt he is going to have to work on his redneck habits. In fact I am quite sure there is a redneck joke about what he did last night or if not there should be. I looked up and he is putting his goose decoys in the swimming pool (cement pond as he called it). I had a fit and told him that we did not need decoys in the pool. He informed me that he had a goose that had a leak that he fixed and he needed to see if it worked and not only were they in the pool but they needed to stay there overnight. Needless to say I am fighting a losing battle. The geese were still in the pool this morning, still floating so I guess his repair work worked.

Guess I need to get back to work. Thank you all again for your continued support.

Missing my Baby
Tina

Thursday, October 26, 2006 9:56 AM CDT

Ugh!!! I have a headache. I have had a headache since yesterday which will not go away. Headache=No Sleep. No Sleep=Headache. Anyone see the vicious cycle that I am in right now.

Yesterday was full of catching up at work after being off for a couple of days. Not really too bad because I love what I do and being busy makes the day go by fast. It was a cold rainy day though so there were times especially after I got a headache that I could have curled up and closed my eyes.

Jeff had a shut down at his plant yesterday so he worked late so Hayden and I spent the evening together. Have I told you lately that he is one neat kid???? I never knew the move would affect him the way that it did. He took it a little harder than I expected. Don’t get me wrong. He loves his new room and his new space but it is different. I enjoyed just getting to visit with him last night.

Our church had its fall carnival last night. It was a Nascar theme. Needless to say I did not push my limits to make this event. I went with the girls last year and did okay but I new the whole Nascar thing would get to me. I can only imagine the outfit like Michael Waltrips I would have had to come up with for Stanton. He would have only accepted the best.

Tomorrow night is a very big game for Minden. We will be playing Haughton for the District Championship. If you are from Minden you need to come to Haughton and cheer for the Tide it should be a great game. I know Coach Feaster and all of the coaches have been working hard along with our guys to get ready for this game. It is going to be fun. Roll Tide Roll!!!!!!!!!!!!

I want to end with an email that I received. Just a reminder that we all spend a lot of time asking God for things, do we all take the time to thank him for the blessings??

What happens in heaven...
I dreamt that I went to Heaven and an angel was
showing me around. We walked side-by-side inside a
large workroom filled with angels.

My angel guide stopped in front of the first section
and said, "This is the Receiving Section. Here, all
petitions to God said in prayer are received."
I looked around in this area, and it was terribly busy
with so many angels sorting out petitions written on
voluminous paper sheets and scraps from people all
over the world.
Then we moved on down a long corridor until we reached
the second section.

The angel then said to me, "This is the Packaging and
Delivery Section. Here, the graces and blessings the
people asked for are processed and delivered to the
living persons who asked for them."

I noticed again how busy it was there. There were many
angels working hard at that station, since so many
blessings had been requested and were being packaged
for delivery to Earth.

Finally at the farthest end of the long corridor we
stopped at the door of a very small station. To my
great surprise, only one angel was seated there, idly
doing nothing. "This is the Acknowledgment Section,"
my angel friend quietly admitted to me. He seemed
embarrassed "How is it that? There's no work going on
here?" I asked.

"So sad," the angel sighed. "After people receive the
blessings that they asked for, very few send back
acknowledgments.

"How does one acknowledge God's blessings?" I asked.

"Simple," the angel answered. "Just say, "Thank you,
Lord."

"What blessings should they acknowledge?" I asked.

"If you have food in the refrigerator, clothes on your
back, a roof overhead and a place to sleep ... you are
richer than 75% of this world. "If you have money in
the bank, in your wallet, and spare change in a dish,
you are among the top 8% of the world's wealthy.

"And if you get this on your own computer, you are
part of the 1% in the world who has that opportunity."

Also .....

"If you woke up this morning with more health than
illness .. you are more blessed than the many who
will not even survive this day.

"If you have never experienced the fear in battle, the
loneliness of imprisonment, the agony of torture, or
the pangs of starvation .. you are ahead of 700
million people in the world.

"If you can attend a church meeting without the fear
of harassment, arrest, torture or death . you are
envied by, and more blessed than, three billion people
in the world.

"If your parents are still alive and still married ..
you are very rare.

If you can hold your head up and smile, you are not
the norm, you are unique to all those in doubt and
despair."

Thankful
Tina

Wednesday, October 25, 2006 10:45 AM CDT

Okay, so I haven’t fallen off the face of the earth as I have been accused of although after moving all weekend that doesn’t really sound like a bad idea. We are living in our new house but still climbing over many boxes. So I guess I have a lot of catching up to do.

I will start with Friday, Homecoming parade and game day. I spent the day trying to pack a little and running all over town for Hayden. The float turned out soooooo cute! I must say it should have won but the judges must have felt sorry for the seniors. Just kidding. All of the floats were cute and I know the kids worked hard on them. The game was fun at first but after we were up by 4 or 5 touchdowns the excitement wore off or maybe it was because I had a headache from cheering so loud at first. It was cool though because Hayden got to play a good bit in the game in front of a whole lot of people.

Saturday morning started very early because Jeff had people coming to help him move at 8:00. He said I had to be up because my bed was going then with me in it or not. The whole day was spent moving and unpacking. I can’t thank all of you who came and helped us move furniture and unpack boxes enough. We owe you all dearly. Of course Saturday was also the homecoming dance so Hayden was in a frenzie all day trying to make sure he had everything ready to go and making sure he had time to go to Monroe and borrow Aunt Mo’s Hummer. Yes, Aunt Mo wins the Aunt of the year prize because Hayden thought he was all of that driving around town in her Hummer. Thank you Mo for helping to make this homecoming extra special for Hayden. You can only imagine how much he needed it. All said and done he had a blast and even made it home a few minutes early.

Sunday we celebrated his birthday at Jeff’s grandmothers house for lunch which was really the only break Jeff gave us all day. We spent the rest of the time moving and unpacking. In fact, although we are moved completely I don’t know if we will ever be done unpacking.

Monday was Hayden’s birthday. He is 17 years old!!!! Yes, he is growing up way to fast for me. I can’t believe he is almost grown. What he may not know is that he will always be my baby. He had some friends over Monday night and I guess they had fun. It was nice having room for them to spread out.

I am enjoying the new house but can’t say that I don’t miss the old house or that I haven’t had my share of meltdowns over the weekend. I guess it is the whole change thing that gets me. I was also in a situation where I had to move things of Stanton’s that had not been moved since he earned his wings. I know this is crazy but I was perfectly content with his shoes sitting on the shelf, with his sharps container still in the kitchen. It was the little things like that that I maybe didn’t even realize were there on a day to day basis but having to pick them up and move them was hard. I found myself hanging up a schedule from St. Jude on the refrigerator at the new house just because I had it hanging on the old refrigerator. I knew when I hung it up it was ridiculous but I could not help it. I guess it will just take baby steps as small as they may be. I know in time this new house will become my home and I will still have all of the memories of the old house. I guess just knowing that there will never be any memories of Stanton in this house is hard.

I guess I have rambled enough. I could go on and on but I know you all don’t want to listen to me moan and groan.

Thank you for your continued support, love and prayers.

By His Grace Alone
Tina

Thursday, October 19, 2006 10:54 AM CDT

Crazy Crazy Crazy!!!! This would be one word I would use to describe life around our house right now. If I said I didn’t love it though I would be lying. The only thing I don’t like is the stress being put on Hayden and the other kids by one of their teachers. Sometimes these kids just need a chance to be kids.

On the house front things are still going. There is a little kink in the concrete floors but it is going to work itself out I think. As of this moment the move is still on for Saturday.

Homecoming activities are going slowly because the kids that are working on the float have so much chemistry work to do they can’t stay and work on the float very long. I hope they can pull it together tonight and get it finished. I know it has been more stressful for them this year than usual. I thought since they all could drive that it would save me some trips to Wal-Mart this year but WRONG!!!! You have to be 18 to buy spray paint, UGH!!!

Choir last night was a blast as usual. I get so tickled to hear all of the kids call me Aunt Tina. And to get so many hugs is fantabulous. Once again, the unconditional love of kids can not be beat.

Work is wild and very busy but what else would I have expected on a week when I needed it to be a little slower.

I got this email yesterday and the last sentence just hit way to close to home. I had even mentioned that I had realized that I was not the only one in the world with problems. I have begun opening my eyes more to see other peoples problems and to be more understanding of those problems regardless of how big or small. Who am I to decide the magnitude of the situation?

THE SPOONS

A holy man was having a conversation with the Lord one day and
said, "Lord, I would like to know what Heaven and Hell are like.

"The Lord led the holy man to two doors. He opened one of the
doors and the holy man looked in.

In the middle of the room was a large round table. In the middle
of the table was a large pot of stew which smelled delicious and made
the holy man's mouth water.

The people sitting around the table were thin and sickly. They
appeared to be famished. They were holding spoons with very long
handles that were strapped to their arms and each found it possible to
reach into the pot of stew and take a spoonful, but because the handle
was longer than their arms, they could not get the spoons back into
their mouths. The holy man shuddered at the sight of their misery and
suffering. The Lord said, "You have seen Hell."

They went to the next room and opened the door. It was exactly
the same as the first one. There was the large round table with the
large pot of stew which made the holy man's mouth water. The people
were equipped with the same long-handled spoons, but here the people
were well nourished and plump, laughing and talking.

The holy man said, "I don't understand.

"It is simple" said the Lord, "it requires but one skill. You
see, they have learned to feed each other. While the greedy think only
of themselves. "A friend is someone who reaches for your hand, and
touches your heart." "People say true friends must always hold hands,
but true friends don't need to hold hands because they know the other
hand will always be there...."

"Be kinder than necessary, for everyone you meet is fighting some
kind of battle."

Thankful for my True Friends
Tina

Wednesday, October 18, 2006 10:50 AM CDT

Okay, yesterday was wild but I did manage to accomplish everything I set out to accomplish including an add in trip to Lowe’s (Jeff sprung that one on me on the way to work yesterday).

I stopped by Toys R Us on the way home to pick up Mary Claire a birthday present and was doing okay until I rounded the corner and there was the Incredible Hulk that we had searched and searched for Stanton’s last Christmas. I was sort of proud of myself because instead of complete meltdown it was just a few tears but also a big smile. What incredible memories he left us with.

Speaking of memories someone in the guestbook asked about Stanton’s Halloweens. For his first Halloween he was the second bear of Goldilocks (Jamie) and the two bears (Mary Claire and Stanton). They were too cute. The next year he would not go with a theme or I guess you could say Jamie could not come up with a theme around the costume that he picked. He was an elephant. It was again, the cutest costume but completely picked out by him. The next year he was a cowboy but his feet went into the back legs of his horse so it looked like he was riding a horse. Mary Claire was a Scarecrow and Elynn Kate was the Crow. I guess there was a little theme going on there. His last Halloween he was an LSU hut hut (football) player and Emma Grace was the LSU cheerleader. When we got to St. Jude Jake and his crazy family were the LSU fans. It was a hoot!!!!! If you can believe he always had his own opinion about what he was going to dress up as. This year at our church the Fall Carnival theme is NASCAR. I have no doubt we would have won that costume contest and I am pretty sure we would have been dressed up with something to do with Michael Waltrips.

Mary Claire’s birthday supper was nice last night. It is hard to believe that she is 7 years old today. Elynn Kate made sure to ask about her presents and of course mom and I had a present for her. She is going to keep Jamie and Scotty on their toes. Mary Claire-Happy Birthday! You are getting so very big. You will always be my special baby girl though. I love you so much! Thank you for always loving me back.

I am sure that most of you know by reading my journal entries that I have just not been myself lately. I guess there are a lot of contributing factors but the major factor being is that I still miss Stanton so very much. I know the pain gets easier. Even yesterday by not having a complete meltdown I have proven that but it still hurts so bad. I was slapped with the reality yesterday that I am not the only one in the world with problems. Not that I ever thought that I was but that even people who seem to have it all together have problems. Once again, it is what we do with these problems and difficulties in our lives that makes a difference. Do we use them in a way to bring us closer to God? That is what they are there for. If we don’t get that then we miss the whole point.

Someone posted this in the guestbook and it says perfectly what I feel as a bereaved mom and I think so many other bereaved parents will feel the same way that I wanted to share it with everyone.

The Gap
Michael Crenlinsten

The gap between those who have lost children & those who have not is profoundly difficult to bridge. No one, whose children are well and intact can be expected to understand what parents who have lost children have absorbed & what they bear. Our children come to us through every blade of grass, every crack in the sidewalk, every bowl of breakfast cereal. We seek contact with their atoms, their hairbrush, their toothbrush, their clothing. We reach for what was integrally woven into the fabric of our lives, now torn & shredded.
A black hole has been blown through our souls &, indeed, it often does not allow the light to escape. It is a difficult place. For us to enter there is to be cut deeply, & torn anew, each time we go there, by the jagged edges of our loss. Yet we return, again & again, for that is where our children now reside. This will be so for years to come & it will change us profoundly. At some point in the distant future, the edges of that hole will have tempered & softened but the empty space will remain - a life sentence.
Our friends will change through this. There is no avoiding it. We grieve for our children, in part, through talking about them & our feelings for having lost them. Some go there with us, others cannot & through their denial & a further measure, however unwittingly, to an already heavy burden. Assuming that we may be feeling "better" six months later is simply "to not get it." The excruciating & isolating reality that bereaved parents feel is hermetically sealed from the nature of any other human experience. Thus it is a trap - those whose compassion & insight we most need are those for whom we abhor the experience that would allow them that sensitivity & capacity. And yet, somehow there are those, each in their own fashion, who have found a way to reach us & stay, to our comfort. They have understood, again each in their own way, that our children remain our children through our memory of them. Their memory is sustained through speaking about them & our feelings about their death. Deny this & you deny their life. Deny their life & you no longer have a place in ours.
We recognize that we have moved to an emotional place where it is often very difficult to reach us. Our attempts to be normal are painful & the day to day carries a silent, screaming anguish that accompanies us, sometimes from moment to moment. Were we to give it its own voice we fear we would become truly unreachable, & so we remain "strong" for a host of reasons even as the strength saps our energy & drains our will. Were we to act out our true feelings we would be impossible to be with. We resent having to act normal, yet we dare not do otherwise. People who understand this dynamic are our gold standard. Working our way through this over the years will change us as does every experience - & extreme experience changes one extremely. We know we will have recovered when, as we have read, it is no longer so painful to be normal. We do not know who we will be at that point or who will still be with us.
We have read that the gap is so difficult that, often, bereaved parents must attempt to reach out to friends & relatives or risk losing them. This is our attempt. For those untarnished by such events, who wish to know in some way what they, thankfully, do not know, read this. It may provide a window that is helpful for both sides of the gap.

Still Broken but looking Toward the Son
Tina

Tuesday, October 17, 2006 10:47 AM CDT

I guess it is a little late but if you all did not know it yesterday was Boss’ Day. Being the great on top of it person that I am (ha ha) I am one that did not remember this until I was reminded by my staff. So, I had a great day and maybe my boss had not so great a day. My staff surprised me with lunch and some very cute bookmarks. Have I told you lately how incredible they all are? It was great to sit down with all of them at lunch and just visit and hear what was going on in their world. Although I think the conversation came back around to pig pushing, hmmm!?!?!?!?

The house is in the final finishing stages. All is still on for us moving in Saturday. I had moved from the apprehensive stage to the excited stage now I am back to the apprehensive stage. I have yet to pack anything in Stanton’s room at our house. As I laid in bed last night I thought about how I was going to walk away from here this weekend and not come back. Would I be leaving a piece of Stanton behind once again? I guess you all can see how hard this is going to be. Just one more step to work through. This time of the year does not help things either.

We have hit the ground running this week with all of the activities going on. The junior float began taking shape last night. It is so neat to see how much the kids have learned over the last 2 years. They started not knowing how to do much and now they seem to be the experts on float making. I want get to be there much tonight but hope to be there tomorrow.

We will eat tonight for Mary Claire’s birthday. I have to stop this afternoon and get her birthday present. I am a little behind on everything. She usually gives me some ideas and when I asked her this year she first told me “drums” which her daddy said had to stay at Aunt Tina’s house. When she couldn’t have those she said “just surprise me”. Needless to say the trip to the toy store should be fun.

I promise to get some pictures on here soon. I know I have been saying that but you all know that things have been a little crazy.

Thanks for continuing to check on us and keeping us in your prayers.

Only By His Grace
Tina

Monday, October 16, 2006 11:09 AM CDT

Okay, I did not fall off the face of the earth but there were times on Friday that I felt like I had. Most of you know that the last week has been a pretty hard one for me. With everything that had happened I had not slept or eaten very good. I guess all of this caught up with me and when I went to sleep early Thursday morning I did not wake up good until Friday some time and when I did I did not feel so great. So I spent 2 complete days in bed feeling pretty bad. With that being said I have some catching up to do.

I have to start by saying that I am proud to be the daughter of a 2 time running Pig Pushing Champion. Yes, you read correctly, my mom won the principal pig pushing contest at the fair Wed. night. She is really getting to into this whole pig thing so I think she is going to have to stop competing in this competition. It was great to see such a big number a principals participating this year. I know the kids loved it.

Thursday night Hayden and the MHS Tiders traveled to Shreveport to play Woodlawn. They came home 7-0. The younger players got a lot of playing time so I hate I did not get to go see Hayden play. Jeff said he did a good job.

This weekend we spent most of our time at the new house cleaning getting ready to move in. They will be finishing up the little things this week along with the floor so we hope to be moving next weekend. Our house in town is not completely packed up but I think we have moved enough in the last few years in Memphis that we should be able to handle the little things. It is the furniture that we have to worry about. At this point I am definitely more excited than anxious which is good. I hope it stays that way.

On top of trying to get ready to move this week it is also homecoming week. Hayden will be busy practicing football, packing, and homecoming activities. In the middle of all of this Mary Claire will be turning 7 on Wed. Yes, we will all be busy this week.

As busy as things will be I will take the time to savor every moment of it. I missed way to much of all of this stuff with Hayden already so what little I have left means way to much. As always I can’t tell you enough to never take your children for granted. I used to be guilty of assuming that they would always be here long after I was gone and that there would always be a tomorrow. I learned the hard way that this is not the case so to savor each and every day and each and every occasion. I find myself now with all of Hayden’s events thinking of Stanton and how I will never experience these times again. There will be no more Junior homecoming floats to work on or pictures to take. Jeff and I get one shot so we better do it right.

I am going to stop now before I get on my soap box. I hope everyone has a great day.

Looking for the Son through the rain
Tina

Wednesday, October 11, 2006 10:56 AM CDT

Well, not to much to talk about this morning. Yesterday was just your ordinary work day.

The new house is just about finished. I told Jeff I was moving the weekend of the 21st. He kind of laughed so we will see. He has worked so hard trying to keep everything moving and on time without worrying me. People ask all the time how we are doing building a house and I have to laugh. Jeff and I have been through so much that building a house together seems kind of easy.

The fair is in town for the week which brings with it the excitement of the Annual Principal Pig Pushing Contest. For those of you who don’t remember I am the mother of last years Champion Pig Pusher. If you don’t know don’t ask because I can’t even begin to explain it. You will just have to trust me on this one.

As you all know life for me over the course of the last few years has not been easy. I would be lying if I sat here and said that there were not days that I went to God and said I am tired of all the pain and hurting. I know that my family knows this more that anybody. They get to watch me day in and day out and they see the good days and the bad ones as well. My mom sent me this email which was a gentle reminder that God uses the bad times even more than the good sometimes to mold us into the Christians that He wants us to be.

The Fern and the Bamboo

One day I decided to quit...I quit my job, my relationship, my
spirituality.... I wanted to quit my life. I went to the woods to have
one last talk with God.

"God", I said. "Can you give me one good reason not to quit?"

His answer surprised me.

"Look around", He said. "Do you see the fern and the bamboo?"

"Yes", I replied.

"When I planted the fern and the bamboo seeds, I took very good care of
them. I gave them light. I gave them water. The fern quickly grew from
the earth. Its brilliant green covered the floor. Yet nothing came from the bamboo seed. But I did not quit on the bamboo.

In the second year the fern grew more vibrant and plentiful. And again,
nothing came from the bamboo seed. But I did not quit on the bamboo.

"In year three there was still nothing from the bamboo seed. But I would not quit. The same in year four.

"Then in the fifth year, a tiny sprout emerged from the earth. Compared
to the fern, it was seemingly small and insignificant.

But just six months later, the bamboo rose to over 100 feet tall. It had spent the five years growing roots. Those roots made it strong and gave it what it needed to survive. I would not give any of my creations a challenge it could not handle.

"Did you know, my child, that all this time you have been struggling,
you have actually been growing roots? I would not quit on the bamboo. I will never quit on you.

"Don't compare yourself to others." He said. "The bamboo had a different purpose than the fern. Yet they both make the forest beautiful.

"Your time will come", God said to me. "You will rise high"

"How high should I rise?" I asked.

"How high will the bamboo rise?" He asked in return.

"As high as it can?" I questioned

"Yes." He said, "Give me glory by rising as high as you can."

I left the forest, realizing that God will never give up on me. And He
will never give up on you.

Never regret a day in your life.

Good days give you happiness; bad days give you experiences; both are
essential to life.

--Author Unknown

Rising High
Tina

Tuesday, October 10, 2006 11:05 AM CDT

Sorry for the lack of update yesterday but I took the day off from everything. I guess you could say I needed a break. So, I have a lot of catching up to do.

I will start with Friday night; we tailgated at the ballgame for a little while which is always fun. The fun really started when the ballgame began. Minden ended up winning 42-10 which is HUGE!!!! They are now 6-0 for the year. I just know that the crowd and the excitement from the crowd reminded me so much of football when Jeff and I were in school. It was so much fun!!!!

About 12:30 Saturday morning my TNT time began. Yes, you read correctly. Trish and her mom drove all evening after work Friday to drive down. I sure wish it would have been on different circumstances. Of course we stayed up and visited a little while before we crashed. Did I mention that Trish looks GREAT!?!?!?!? Oh how I needed her hug. We got up Saturday morning and being the great hostess I am I had nothing for breakfast so we got something from the store down the street. We went to the angel garden and then out to the new house. It would have been nice if we would have been moved already. Nurse Sarah was coming down so we went to mom’s house where she had lunch for us and waited on Sarah. Sarah and David got there. Ate a bite and then we got to show them the new house. Yes, I enjoyed showing off my new house. From here we all went and got ready to head to Monroe. Jake’s visitation was amazing. The work that had gone into the scrapbooks, pictures and balloons was nothing short of incredible. Staci and Don were okay. The St. Jude crew began to gather on the side and when we thought Staci was wearing thin we would do anything we could to make her laugh. You see, we had all been in her shoes and we knew where she was. I know many people standing in line thought “Boy, those women are nuts!” and you would be right but we were there for Staci and Don and we were willing to do whatever it takes. It was great to meet so many caringbridge prayer warriors over the course of the weekend. To finally put a face with a name was great. After we sat for a while we got a bit hungry and the out of town visitors had never eaten Johnny’s pizza. Of course they had heard all about it because it was Jake’s favorite so they were wanting pizza. About 12 of us went and enjoyed dinner before returning to visitation. After visitation we went back to the Raborn’s house where we just visited with their family and friends. It was just a little wind down time.

Sunday morning we all met up for lunch before Sarah and David headed back to Memphis and before we headed to Jake’s service. This is where the hard part starts. Good-byes never get any easier. It is amazing how close you become with some of the people that come into your life that you cannot see them for months at a time but just pick up where you left off when you see them. We enjoyed lunch but not the goodbyes.

Jake’s celebration service was amazing but we expected nothing less. I do think I completely underestimated my strength and ability to “handle” this service though. I guess there were just too many similarities between him and Stanton. In fact, some of the pictures they played during the slideshow Jake had on shirts that he and Stanton had that matched and I caught myself holding my breath when they were on the screen. Of course, I had my sister, Trish, holding my hand being the strong one as usual. After the service Trish and her mom had to get back on the road to Arkansas. Once again, the good byes were hard.

Last night was Travis’ memorial service. It was amazing as well. I had never been to a service where the person had actually planned their own memorial service and this is exactly what Travis did. So with every song that was sang last night I knew that Travis had personally picked it out. It was so good to hear the things that people said about Travis. The words they used to describe him are words that all of us should hope are used in our memorial services. He truly was the person God wanted him to be. As I listened to each speaker and then to the pastor talk about Travis and describe him, I couldn’t help but think of all of the other “cancer angels” that I knew and how so many of these words also described them. How even as children they could be called courageous, spirited, loving, brave, etc. is amazing. But just like these kids never thought of themselves as any different neither did Travis. He was just doing what he did best.

I had never really thought of it how the pastor put it last night and I really liked it. He talked about a mirror and how by using a mirror you could reflect light into the darkest of places. Travis knew he was not the light or the source of the light. These kids were not the light or the source of the light, but all of them are INCREDIBLE reflectors of the light. They allow God’s light to reflect through them and shine onto others impacting those others in ways that we may never fully know. Does God take this terrible, evil disease and use it to glorify him? You bet he does. If you don’t believe it look at the websites of any of these angels, Stanton, Emma Grace, Christal, Jake, Shae. Listen to what people said about Travis last night. In their weakest of moments these kids and Travis still lived life to it’s fullest and never let Satan win. God gave them the strength and the wisdom to teach all of us what life is all about. I know for me I am not the same person nor do I want to be the same person I was before I knew these kids. If only I could be so strong and brave and courageous. One thing I was though was blessed. I was blessed to get to call one of these amazing children mine, blessed to call many others “mine”, and blessed to call Travis my friend.

I will once again today start to pick up the pieces and start life over again. Start to dig out of my little pity ditch and keep on taking life one day at a time, listening for God’s instructions.

Blessed
Tina

Friday, October 6, 2006 10:19 AM CDT

Well, I am sure this will be a pretty short entry as I don’t really have a lot to say. If you all haven’t already read, our little Jake earned his angel wings yesterday afternoon.

Have I mentioned lately that I hate this thing called cancer?????????????????????

Jeff called me yesterday afternoon early and said “Why don’t you call and see if we can go see Jake this afternoon?” So that was the plan. We would leave Minden about 4 to go see Jake. I guess God had other ideas. We would leave Minden at 4 knowing we would be going to comfort Don and Staci during a time that was all too familiar. When we got there all I could think was Oh how I wish I didn’t know exactly how they felt. But I do and who better to be there for them. We spent the evening visiting with them and their family. Getting to meet people we had once only heard of.

Jake-You are amazing. Thank you for allowing us into your world and for being our friend. There are so many people here who learned so much from you and who are going to miss you so much. I sure hope Emma Grace and Stanton were there to waiting on you at heavens gates. I know you all are having a blast playing and being cancer free. We love you!!!!!!!!!

Minden High has a HUGE ballgame tonight. We play Captain Shreve. I have to encourage anyone who is from Minden to come out and support these kids. They have worked so hard and it should be a very good game. ROLL TIDE ROLL!!!!!

Will report on the weekend Monday.

Standing Only By His Grace Today
Tina

Thursday, October 5, 2006 10:41 AM CDT

Once again I sit here, my physical body here but my mind not. In fact it is in more than one place this morning.

First of all my heart is in Monroe with the Raborn crew. I haven’t talked to them just read their website and the feelings almost seem overwhelming. Oh how I wish I could say that I had no idea what they were going through but unfortunately the emotions are still all too real. Please continue to lift Jake and his entire family up in your prayers.

Second, another very dear friend of ours that was battling this beast called cancer, earned his much deserved angel wings this morning. Travis Hart fought a long courageous battle with ultimate healing early this morning. I can imagine that he has already formed a baseball team in heaven with the kids and is having a blast! Kammie and Travis are such special friends to us and have been so good to all of us but especially Hayden. Once again, I hate that Hayden has to endure yet one more heart break and he is not yet even 17. Oh how I wish I could make it all better for him. Isn’t that what we as parents are supposed to do????? I am learning a hard lesson in “that is not the case”. Please pray for Kammie as she begins her new journey without Travis.

Hayden came home last night with the stuff to order his Senior ring!!!!!!!!!! Ugh!?!?!?!?!? Did I mention I was beginning to feel a little older? It is not enough that Jeff’s little brother graduated and is in college now but Hayden is growing up to. It is fun to see him so excited about something. I love to hear his ideas. He is one to be different so he wants something unlike anything else that anyone else is getting. I have to admire not only his will to be different but the courage it takes as well. I have no idea why God decided I was worthy of not only 1 but 2 incredible amazing boys but I am so proud to be called Hayden and Stanton’s mom.

It felt good to be back at choir last night with all of my kiddos. I was running a little late so when I walked in it was a little bit of a scene starting with my Sammy giving me lots of BIG BIG hugs. I haven’t seen him in a while so I loved all of those hugs. Of course when he yelled “Aunt Tina” everyone’s attention turned so next in line were Elynn Kate and Carson. They were all so full of love last night all I needed was one more leg for them to sit on. Once again, sitting there watching all of these kids is so bittersweet. They are all adorable but I can’t help but wonder where Stanton would fit into the picture? It is hard to imagine because he was there so little during his 4 years here. I still can’t picture him that big either. To me he will always be 3.

Okay, I guess that is about enough whining and moaning from me today. I guess it is easy to tell when I have a lot on my mind.

Pretty sure I’m being carried
Tina

Wednesday, October 4, 2006 11:23 AM CDT

Good morning! I did manage to get the update in before the morning was up. There really is not a lot going on around here so I don’t feel like I have a lot to share.

I am having major trouble with my blood sugar. It was all over the place yesterday. It is funny, now that I now what is causing it I can always tell by how I feel what is going on. I never knew that blood sugar played that big of a role in your overall feelings but promise me, it does.

Jeff and I were watching TV last night and a commercial for Disney on Ice came on. It looked so cute and I loved to go do these things with Stanton. Even after a year and a half it is hard to believe that he is not here. I told Jeff that I would love to go watch this but it is just not the same without him. His gallery at the new house is going to be amazing. I know he would love it. I call it a gallery because I don’t want to give anyone the wrong impression that we are recreating his bedroom or something. This is going to be a room for all of his collections and special things. It is going to be a place to go play games, read a book or just sit in the quiet, looking up at the stars (fiberoptic stars on the ceiling). I know I need to get some pictures on here. I will work on that.

I know I tell you all the time what an amazing staff that I have and today is no different. God has truly blessed me by surrounding me by amazing, Christian, caring people. Beverly and I were visiting this morning about how the devil spends so much time trying to steal our joy. We talked a lot about faith and believing and trusting God’s word. It is much easier to do if the devil is not right in the middle trying to confuse you and make you believe the evil thoughts that he puts in your head. She told me that you had to go into battle with evil with your “armor of God” on. Your helmet of salvation, belt of faith, shoes of peace and shield of faith. I thought this was so cool I wrote it down to share with you. If you go into battle with all of that there is no way you can lose!!!

I am walking proof that when you are at your weakest the devil will work the hardest to earn a spot in your life. He will do this by causing doubt, fear, anger, frustration, etc. So many days my mind will wander and I will have to focus on God and what His promise is for me. I said today that it is hard for me to envision what God has in store for me. I know that His plans may be so much greater than my own that I cannot even begin to imagine it.

Listening for Him
Tina

Tuesday, October 3, 2006 11:28 AM CDT

Don’t worry I have not gone missing in action again. Just running a little late today. Month end at work is always lots of fun. I actually love the number game and having a tight deadline. Keeps things interesting.

Hayden had a JV ballgame last night. Let’s just say I hope Friday night is a lot different. Hayden was so tired and sore he came home, showered and went straight to bed which is not his typical evening.

I want to share an email with you. I think it says exactly what I try to so many times.

As we grow up, we learn that even the one person that wasn't supposed to
ever let you down probably will. You will have your heart broken probably
more than once and it's harder every time. You'll break hearts too, so
remember how it felt when yours was broken. You'll fight with your best
friend. You'll blame a new love for things an old one did. You'll cry
because time is passing too fast, and you'll eventually lose someone you
love. So take too many pictures, laugh too much, and love like you've
never been hurt because every sixty seconds you spend upset is a minute
of happiness you'll never get back.

Don't be afraid that your life will end,
be afraid that it will never begin.
~anonymous~

If you haven’t been by to check on Jake I know they love to have visitors to his website. His whole family is doing an incredible job of making him feel so special. Have I mentioned lately that I hate this disease and what it does to these kids and family!!!! Stop now and say a special prayer for Jake.

Broken but not Afraid
Tina

Monday, October 2, 2006 12:31 AM CDT

Well, I guess you are all awaiting my return since my family forgot to update. Where have I been, not real important just had to have some “Tina time”. Yes, I wish it would have been “TNT time” but no such luck. That is something that is long overdue. I had a lot of time this week to think and it really put me back in to perspective. I want to thank all of you who were concerned, that have stuck with me through thick and thin, listened (or read) me whine when I needed to, given words of encouragement at the perfect times, and plain just believing in me when maybe I really wasn’t believing in myself! I can’t put into words what your support means.

Our weekend was pretty quiet, or at least after the game Friday night it was. Especially since I could barely talk for all of the screaming I had done at the game. It was a GREAT game. I am so proud to say that Minden is now 5-0!!!! We spent a lot of time at the new house this weekend. They did get water in the pool. Jeff, Hayden, Dakota and Coltan went swimming Sunday. I put my feet in but the water was a little colder than I like. Jeff was really not swimming he was working but he was in the water. I can’t wait to move in. It is going to be such a peaceful place.

I read a lot about God’s love for us this week. I know I don’t always express it fully here but there are times I still get so frustrated with everything. I know I don’t fully understand nor will I ever understand God’s plan and why Stanton, why Emma Grace, Zoie, Christal, Jake and all of our other dear St. Jude friends? I have prayed, questioned, prayed, been questioned, and for us in this imperfect world there may never be the “right” answer. One thing that keeps coming back in all of my devotionals and all of my quiet time is God’s incredible, unimaginable love for us, His children. How hard is that to comprehend? As much as I love Stanton, God loves him even more than that. He loved us so much that He sent his son to come and live in this imperfect world only to die for us and take away our sins so that we would be able to have eternal life. Although this love is uncomprehendable for us, it did not stop God from loving us.

Romans 8:31

“If God is for us, who can be against us?”

“God is for us”, what an amazing statement. No matter how you are feeling, no matter what people have done to you in the past, God is right there within your reach. The creator of the universe is there for you, how awesome is that???

God is for you. Turn to the sidelines; that is God cheering your run. Look past the finish line; that’s God applauding your steps. Listen for him in the bleachers, shouting your name. Too tired to continue? He will carry you. Too discouraged to fight? He’s picking you up. (written by Max Lucado)

Romans 8:32

“He who did not spare his own Son, but gave him up for all of us-how will he not also, along with him, graciously give us all things?”

Boy this verse will make you think. If God will send his only son to die for us then why should we think that he would do anything to harm us. I know first hand how it hurts to lose a son but not to willingly give him up for other people’s benefit. If this is the case then why do we all worry so much. If God loves us this much then He will surely meet all of our needs. “Did God save you so you would fret? Would he teach you to walk just to watch you fall? Would he be nailed to the cross for your sins and then disregard your prayers?”

Do you ever wonder if God could possibly still love you? Does he really love us forever? I know I often wonder how God could love me when I am not even sure I love myself? Does he love me when I am scared, sad? God answered all of our questions before we even asked them. “So we’d see his answer, he lit the sky with a star. So we’d hear it, he filled the night with a choir. And so we’d believe it, he did what no man had ever dreamed; he became flesh and dwelt among us.” Yes, God loves us unconditionally. We are his children and he was willing to do whatever it takes to give us the opportunity to live with him forever.

I know this has been very scattered and maybe hard to understand but I am just trying to give you what my heart is saying.

Thank you again for all of your support and love. I love you all!

Blessed to call God Father
Tina

Thursday, September 28, 2006 2:31 PM CDT

Well everyone can be mad at me I forgot to tell ya'll that Tina is out of town for a few days.We are doing ok the house is getting close and the pool is being finished today.The painter is finishing up and the cabinets are almost through. We were out there the other night and the sky was so clear the stars were just a sparkiling away it is going to be so good to get back in the country again.Well I guess thats all I have to say thanks for checking in on us thank you, Jeff

Tuesday, September 26, 2006 8:36 AM CDT

Yes, for you early birds this is for you. I am at work and have been for a couple of hours now. I know, welcome to the real world but I am not a morning person. In fact I have decided that the conversation around our house tonight should be good. I had to get up early and Jeff left for work at 10:00 last night (he didn’t get home until 7) and when I left at 5:30 he was still not home. So I am pretty sure lights out early at our house. I had to wake Hayden up before I left because I didn’t want him to wake up wondering where everyone was. I worried that he was not coherent enough to understand me but then I heard those favorite words of mine, “Have a good day I love you”, and I knew he understood. He is so good about not leaving or going to bed without showing me a little love no matter how mad he is at me.

They lost their JV game last night by 2 points. It wasn’t because they didn’t have a cheering squad. Hayden had a row for just him. I had taken Tori with me so she could see Hayden actually play. She is too busy cheering on Friday nights to realize he doesn’t play much then. She was so funny as we left and she told him bye. She said “He is a lot sweatier than he usually is” I just had to laugh. We also had Elynn Kate up there with us and boy was she in rare form. She sang songs that we knew, she songs that we didn’t know and she sang songs that she didn’t know. Once she got in Brooke’s lap I don’t think she quit talking. So between the game and the 2 girls we were not lacking entertainment.

After the game Hayden and several friends rode over to Chili’s to eat, knowing it was St. Jude’s day. Me and my staff had lunch there. You should see the t-shirt colored for me by the manager of the Chili’s in Bossier. It is beautiful. This particular Chili’s has always gone above and beyond for the St. Jude fundraiser mainly because of a great friend of ours, Laura. I think she was working there the first year they did it and we were in Memphis. She continues to take off from her regular job and work this one day. What a cool person.

I can’t even think of St. Jude night at Chili’s without remembering our Memphis Chili’s night. It was the first one they had ever done so it was a BIG deal. They had a lot of kids there to take pictures and everything but we were just going to eat. We had no idea how big the turnout was going to be so Me, Jeff, Stanton, Trish and Emma Grace headed over to Chili’s. Before we know it Emma Grace has somehow worked her way into the pictures. She had a way of doing that. We knew that we were going to have to wait a while for a table and were dreading trying to keep those 2 little ones busy. Needless to say, that was not a problem. They provided entertainment for everyone that was waiting and who was going to stop them, they were 2 cute baldies although I think Emma Grace may have still had hair. I think we got bumped to the front of the line because we were seated much faster than everyone else. Imagine them trying to get us in and out of there. By this time Laura Hajar had finished taking pictures and was brave enough to join us. When I say going out to eat was an experience I mean it was always a memorable experience. At one time there were 3 kids on our side of the booth all over Jeff. We got our food and of course eating was not on their mind they had too much attention going on. At one point we look up and Stanton and Emma Grace were both gone. We found Stanton back at the front door entertaining everyone but Emma Grace was no where to be found, but not to fear Stanton would go find her and off he went. So just picture a packed Chili’s with Stanton running through the aisles until he found Emma Grace. We knew at this point they were beyond the point of no return. The sad thing is most people in the restaurant knew them and so no one would help us discipline them. We had met out Nurse Practitioner’s family for the first time and I remember being so embarrassed as they laughed watching Trish and I chase them down. Of course, Jeff said we made them that way so he would wait on us outside. We did catch them or maybe we bribed them but we did manage to get back to the car but what an adventure. The sad truth to the matter is that that is what eating out was always like and in Memphis the people don’t stare at them because they are bald they spoil them rotten.

Boy, those were the good ole days!

Be sure and continue to keep Jake and his family in your prayers.

Already tired
Tina

Monday, September 25, 2006 11:33 AM CDT

Well, I go from having not much to say to having so much to say that I don’t know if I can get it all out much less the way I want it to come out. What a weekend is all I can say.

Friday night we watched a great football game. I won’t say much just 4-0, ROLL TIDE!!!! We are so proud of our boys and the coaches. The stands were full with people making a lot of noise. We had eaten our fish plates as our tailgating food while watching the children run wild. Elynn Kate was even into the ballgame and cheering at least through the 1st quarter. By the end of the game she just wanted to go home.

Saturday started with me getting a hair cut or I might not would have even gotten out of bed. My heart was in Memphis along with 100 other people so we decided to hang tight and not head that direction just yet. Plus, I knew Trish would be there giving me updates. I spoke with Don and just let him know that our hearts, mind and most importantly prayers were with them. Hayden had a few friends over Saturday night, so I got to go to bed early. That is one reason why I cannot wait to get into our new house is because there will be so much more room.

Sunday turned out to be a day that I needed, imagine that. David taught Sunday School again. I kind of feel bad because we didn’t participate like we should but sometimes I think we just don’t know what to say. The lesson was great and a good one that we all needed to hear so sorry David we were not more vocal.

Our church did a really neat thing during Worship Service, they recognized the football teams from the area. This turned out really good. There were 3 teams each in their jerseys sitting together in the balcony. I know this might have been difficult for some because they attend other churches, but who knows how many might not attend church at all. I was very impressed with Mount Olive who during the handshaking made a point to go to each other team and shake hands which prompted Minden to do the same. It was neat to see them all together. Each of their coaches spoke and I now know it wasn’t planned but they kind of talked in order. The first talked of prayer and how important it was to bonding his team together. The second talked about little things making a difference not only on the football field but in life as well and how his team has taken on this motto for the year and Coach Feaster talked about what these kids could do with what they were being taught now into the future and how important that was. It was such an honor to see 3 Christian men stand up and represent the teams that they coach. It reassures us as parents the values that they are being taught on the field.

I was a little disappointed to hear that Brother Wayne was sick and would not be preaching because I know he had a powerful message to bring to these boys. Brother Wayne I hope you get to feeling better. When Brother Hales began to speak I knew I would no longer be disappointed. His sermon was directed at the young football players but fit into all of our everyday lives so well. He spoke out of a chapter in Hebrews when Paul talks about running a race. The sermon was centered around the race that we run every day. The first point he made was about the starting point of the race which would be Jesus. The ending point was also Jesus. Another point was to stay on the right track. You will never win a race if you get off course. The way to stay on course would be to keep your focus on the end of the race which would be Jesus. He used so many personal examples that were incredible and made things so easy to understand but I can’t remember them all but there was one that touched my heart the most. He talked of running a marathon. I can’t even begin to type the whole story but basically he thought he was in good condition to run this 5 mile run until he lined up with a lot of marathon runners who ran every weekend in some kind of competition. He talked of as he climbed a hill and could see the finish line he was one of the last ones left running. He was just about ready to give up when one of the marathoners who had already finished the race came back. He came back to run with him and encourage him to keep going, reminding him of everything that was waiting on him at the finish line. An encourager, hmmmm?

This really set my mind in motion and I thought of all of the times when I seemed at the end of my race. I really didn’t feel like I could go on anymore or if I even wanted to and what happened? People who loved me stepped up and came to me as my encourager. I thought about trying to list them all but it would take all day. Those of you know who you are. But then there are all of you who continue to read my rambling journals and sign the guestbook with encouragement. You all are encouragers! I want to thank you for not letting me give up, for encouraging me to keep on with my race, for helping me to stay on course and most importantly for me not to lose site of the end of the race where I will get to stand before Jesus. I hope that he will say that I was not only encouraged but that I also offered some encouragement. Thank you Brother Hales for a wonderful message yesterday.

Staying on Course
Tina

Friday, September 22, 2006 11:09 AM CDT

Again, I have little to say today. I know all of our thoughts and prayers are in Memphis with Jake and his precious family. I have talked to several members of the family yesterday and today and they are hanging in there. Sometimes that is just about all you can do in this situation. I know it has been a whole lot of hold on and wait which is the hardest. Please continue to keep this family in your prayers. I know from experience what it feels like to have God wrap His arms around you during a time like this and I can only pray that they are feeling this as well. I know that everyone who has been praying so faithfully for Jake can and may be at the point of frustration with God right now but one thing I can assure you is that God has never left any of their sides, he has remained with them throughout all of this. This is a promise that He has made to us and I have to believe Him or I would not be able to keep going each day. So, please keep those prayers coming, they are needed now as much as ever.

One other prayer request: One of Hayden’s football coaches had his house burn yesterday. I don’t know the full extent of the damage but it was maximum. It sounds like they lost almost everything, if not to fire then to water and smoke. Minden is known for its kindness and compassion and pouring out its heart when needed so I know this family will be taken care of. Please just remember to pray for them as they try to salvage the things that are irreplaceable.

Minden plays its first district ballgame tonight, we hope to go home tonight 4-0! Roll Tide Roll!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Still Believing
Tina

Thursday, September 21, 2006 10:16 AM CDT

As usual my mind is not here it is in Memphis right where my body wants to be. All I have to say today is to ask everyone to pray for Jake. For him to have some peace, be comfortable and not scared. For Don and Staci that they can remain strong for Jake. Pray for them as they talk to doctors and make decisions that they can make them with peace knowing they are doing what is best for Jake. Pray that God will hold them when they feel like they cannot stand any longer. Pray for his brothers who are watching as all of this is going on. Ask God to give them the strength and courage they need to believe. Pray for the extended family that is there that they can offer the support needed to Don, Staci, Jake, Hunter and Hayden. Most of all pray for Jake’s healing.

This family holds a very special place in our hearts as part of our family and it is eating us up that we can’t be there with them right now.

Believing
Tina

Wednesday, September 20, 2006 10:54 AM CDT

Once again I sit here staring wondering how to put into words what I feel I guess saying I HATE cancer and what it does to people and families would be a little bit of an understatement. Where is this coming from you ask?

Well another one of our babies joined Stanton, Emma Grace, Zoie, Christal, Alli, April, Brendle, Spencer,Casey, Sarah, Dalton, Jeremiah, Justin, Baily,Breanna, Dillon, Shae, Pamela, and so many others that I can’t remember their names. Ben Bratton won his battle over this evil disease and has joined the crew in heaven. Please keep his parent Barry and Lynn in your prayers. Ben has fought this disease for a long time, in fact he was diagnosed within days of Stanton

I don’t want you to think that every child with cancer dies, because that is not the case. There are some cancers with very high success rates but there are also others that area not so great. This is why it is so important for people to keep donating money so a cure can be found.

So I hate cancer. Not so much for the kids but for the families that are involved as well. There is so much while they are in treatment that you have to do but it is so much worse after they are gone. The kids are in a place beyond our imagination while we are left here on this sinful earth. Siblings have to learn how to cope no matter what the age, you have to relearn how to have a relationship with people that does not include cancer, families fall apart, and every day you are reminded in some way that you have lost a child..

Hayden came home yesterday with a problem that I have been faced with but one I had hoped he would be spared for a little while anyway. One of his teachers spoke of him being spoiled (because I helped him study) and then she said “you must be an only child”. Hayden was pretty upset and really wouldn’t say much more than that except he said “not exactly”. Perfect example of watching what you say especially if you don’t know about people’s lives. I too have been put in the same situation whether filling out a form or being asked if I only had one son. My answer to that question will always and forever be the same, no I have 2 children one has just been promoted to heaven. My heart just broke for Hayden because he does not deserve any of this.

Jake and family are in need of lots of prayers. They are at a crossing point in the road and need as much guidance as possible to make the right decisions for Jake.

I guess I have rambled enough for today. I do feel a little better getting out of my system. Thanks for listening.

Still learning to live without my baby
Tina

Tuesday, September 19, 2006 9:58 AM CDT

Well, yesterday was just one of those days when I just couldn’t seem to get it all together. I cried a good deal, especially while no one was watching. I was down but for no apparent reason. So, I went by the angel garden this morning just to get a sense of peace before I came to work. How this is where I find peace I don’t know it just is.

Knowing I had no really good words of wisdom to share I have wondered all morning what I was going to journal and I got to the guestbook and there it was. It was an entry actually about a topic I had listened to on the radio yesterday. The radio show spoke of not having to be a preacher or a missionary to share God with others. Our job as Christians is to do just that. Sharing God’s word doesn’t always mean going up and talking to someone either. A lot can come from actions and what people see in you. This is the guestbook entry I received:

"I saw Jesus last week. He was wearing blue jeans and an old shirt. He was up at the church building. He was alone and working hard. For just a minute He looked like one of our members, but it was Jesus, I could tell by his smile.

I saw Jesus last Sunday. He was teaching a Bible class. He didn't talk real loud or use long words, but you could tell he believed what he said. For just a minute he looked like my Sunday School teacher, but it was Jesus, I could tell by his loving voice.

I saw Jesus yesterday. He was at the hospital visiting a friend who was sick. They prayed together quietly. For just a minute He looked like my preacher, But it was Jesus, I could tell by the tears in his eyes.

I saw Jesus the other day, He was bringing a covered dish over to me because I had been sick. Just for a minute I thought it was a church friend's gentle hands stroking my shoulder, but it was Jesus, I could feel Him in my soul.

I see Jesus everywhere, taking food to the sick, being friendly to a newcomer, sending notes to those who need encouragement, and for just a minute I think he's someone I know, but it's always Jesus; I can tell by the way He serves.

May someone see Jesus in me today."

Tina

Monday, September 18, 2006 11:40 AM CDT

Once again, I sit her staring at the computer just wondering what to say. It is so hard to even remember a weekend that you really weren’t where you wanted to be. My heart and soul were in Florida with Chris and Memphis with the Raborn’s. What an emotional weekend. It really doesn’t help when you have walked the walk they are taking.

I guess I will start with Friday night. We had a ballgame at Jonesboro-Hodge so roadtrip here we come. We did bring a car load so it was fun, well for me anyway. Jeff said Shelly and I talked the entire trip. If I remember correctly he chimed in some too. I had gotten a new movie so Tori and Mary Kate watched it. It was just not quite long enough for the trip both ways. Thank you guys for riding with us I loved the adult conversation (I know I had Jeff but still adult conversation was nice). I hope we can do it again sometime. Hayden got to play several plays. I thought and Jeff did too that he did really well. He got his first varsity unassisted tackle. He wasn’t overly impressed with himself. His quote to me was “that is what I was supposed to do”. Boys can be something else.

One other neat thing at the ballgame was that I got to meet another Stanton prayer warrior from West Monroe. Her name is Cathy and she actually was one of Hayden’s HOBY counselors this summer which was such a God thing. He thinks the world of her so he was especially excited when she made her way on the field to see him. She really must like him because he got a hug and they are pretty sweaty gross hugs after the game. Thanks Cathy for searching me out it was great to see you and thank for making Hayden’s night even more special.

I had just read Jake’s website before we got there so the game gave me a little something to focus on and keep my mind occupied.

Saturday I was going to stay around the house and pack. I was determined to go through some of the stuff we brought home from Memphis (yes it is still exactly how we brought it in or was). So, I started with the Rubbermaid drawers in the bathroom having no idea the memories that would bring. Oh the memories, there was Stanton’s wooden razor that he insisted on shaving with everytime Jeff shaved and then some and yes he had to have lots of water and shaving cream. I know those are memories that Jeff and I will never forget. He just couldn’t wait to get a big boy razor like daddy. There was the wooden cross Zoie’s angels had brought when they came to cook breakfast. The pink lug nuts off of one of the race cars we got to see in the garage. They really weren’t supposed to share but of course Stanton had this way with people. He would carry them in his pocket and I know they must use good paint because they have been washed several times. His toothbrush, his toothpaste, the list goes on but the two that hit me the hardest was 1) the magic line that got a whole in it and when they repaired it they gave the other end to us and of course I kept it (I really wish I had the one he was still using) 2) His hair from when he and Jeff decided that he had a bald spot that he didn’t want so they would just shave his head. I was picking up hair faster than it would hit the floor. The sad thing is that after it was said and done Stanton wanted his hair back. He used his thinking skills and decided that if he watered it enough his hair would grow back. So, several times a day he would pull his stool to the sink and water his hair. Unfortunately for him it would go the wrong direction and he would soon be smooth bald. He didn’t mind that so much because he knew we loved rubbing and kissing him on the head. What I wouldn’t give for one more kiss on that bald head.

The good news is that I finished these 2 drawers. To me this was a HUGE milestone and I did it with nobody holding my hand, well nobody that I could see anyway. I could feel a presence in the room as I had prayed that God would get me through yet one more milestone. By the way I kept a lot of the stuff and put it in cedar box bought just for that.

After I had accomplished this I decided that that was enough for the day. I knew I still had a trip to Wal-Mart to make and I do not like going to Wal-Mart. I then went to look at the new house for the first time in about 3 days. Boy how things change in 3 days. It is really coming along and we can finally see an end it sight. In fact the builder is still telling me the middle of October which is only a month away. Which also means I have tons of work to do at my old house.

Sunday of course meant Sunday School and Paul was back to continue with our lesson on Max Lucado’s book “Come Thirsty”. We learned a lot about what God wants from us to get to heaven. Are there certain requirements and if so how are we doing? Well thankfully God’s only requirement for eternal salvation is our belief in Him and our having a personal relationship with him. If you have these things everything else is kind of null and void. Your past mistakes can’t keep you from heaven. Your future mistakes can’t keep you from heaven, but the biggest lesson in this is that you also can’t earn your way into heaven. You can do all the Godly things that you want to but if you don’t trust God, put your faith and belief in Him then nothing that you do will earn you a spot in His home. God knows that we will stumble and fall at times, in fact even before we know but the good news is that He will pick you up, brush you off, give you a great big hug, and tell you to keep on going. I can say this because I know this for a fact. I have fallen many times and He has done this for me. I heard a song and some of the words were exactly how I imagine God at times. “I believe that He loves you where you are”, pretty amazing. Wherever you are in your life good are bad God loves you right there and will help you get where he wants you to be. “I believe that you’ve seen the hands of God”, how many times do you think God has been there and used His own hands to pick you up. I know for me a whole lot. “I believe that He’ll never let you go, I believe that He’s wanted you to know, I believe that He’ll lead you till your back in His arms again.” What an incredible God that will stick with us through good times and bad and that He wants us with Him so badly that He will do anything to get us back to Him. I know for my life this is a big deal and I am so thankful that God never gave up on me. Instead, he filled my life with abundant blessings and continues to do so on a daily basis. What more could I ask for?

Keeping Jake and Ben in our prayers as well as Chris and her family. From what I hear Chris has been incredible but I know how things slow down. Thank you all for continuing on our journey with us. I hear of others talking about stopping their journals after there child has been gone a while but I enjoy it and I think I would have people from all over the US in Minden to get me.

So Blessed
Tina

Friday, September 15, 2006 10:29 AM CDT

I guess over the last week I have been reminded of what being a St. Jude family is all about. One thing we say when we are first introduced is “once a St. Jude family, always a St. Jude family”. The hardest part with this is that while you are in Memphis you are all there for the same reason, to save your child’s life. You do the same things, go to the hospital, have tests, get chemo, etc. It would sometimes lead to a hardship because you may have gotten good news that you want to share but your friends tests had a different outcome. We grew together as friends, family, spiritually and emotionally. Then comes the problem, for whatever reason you go home, your friends/family go home. These homes are usually miles and miles apart. Your home is different. People really don’t understand. Even if your child is still with you, people don’t get it. We had to work hard to adjust to a new life not once but twice and the 2nd time without a very big part of our life. Then your St Jude friends struggle, all you want to do is be there but they are too far away. The roller coaster of emotions is a lot harder to ride when you are not together and we have all had our share of roller coasters this week. Christal earning her wings, Ben in ICU not doing well, Jake having complications during surgery, up and down. I guess as life goes on I will learn how to ride better but as usual now I am just asking God to ride with all of us.

We will be traveling to a ballgame tonight so please pray for safe travels as well as a safe game for the guys. I guess praying for a win wouldn’t hurt. I know the guys are all pumped up.

I am sharing this from Jacob in Florida’s website. Someone emailed it to me and I loved it. Don’t be afraid to keep signing in. I love hearing from you all.

Sand Fleas
written by Susan Larson

“The death of a child takes you places you’ve never been before, not only in terms of emotions, but in terms of awareness of all that is. I liken the experience to playing on the shore with your friends and complaining about an occasional bite from a sand flea. It’s painful and annoying, but at least everyone else understands how you feel when you’re bitten.
Then one day, a wave grabs you and pulls you out into the ocean where you are bitten by a shark. You feel pain you never imagined could exist. And you’re alone in unfamiliar territory. When you get back to shore, you try to explain your pain to your friends, but the worst pain they can imagine is being bitten by 1,000 sand fleas. That’s all they know. There is no way to explain it to them.
But it’s not just the pain you can’t explain. While struggling under the water you’re suddenly aware that there is infinitely more to life than what we see on the shore. You see the ocean floor with coral reefs and rock formations, things you had never before imagined. You have tapped into the vastness of creation to a higher degree. And again, there is no way to adequately describe this vastness you see and feel. You have nothing to compare it to.
You have a true sense of a greater dimension, and you know that the loved one you miss is out there. You also know your loved one is not lost, but has only gone before you to a place more beautiful and vast than those on the shore could ever imagine. Yes, you still get annoyed with the sand fleas, but you now realize how trivial they are. And even if your friends don’t understand you, you know there is Someone greater out there who does.”

Thankful for that Greater Someone
Tina

Thursday, September 14, 2006 10:03 AM CDT

First of all thank you for the many birthday wishes. I thought you all were still out there but wasn’t sure. I had a good day yesterday. Things were very busy which is the best I could have hoped for. I know that there is a little boy in heaven who sent many hugs yesterday but I got the biggest hug of all from my 15 boys and girls in choir last night, yes all at one time. Erin-thank you for making last night a special night for me. It is nights like those that I am reminded why I love working with the children so.

Tonight my mom dad and the family are all going out to eat which will be a nice treat. For mom, be sure and print this off so that dad knows he is paying.

I still have my up and down moments just thinking of Chris and what she is going through. There are certain things that you just don’t forget and this week is one of those and I can remember ours like it was yesterday. Please continue to pray for this special family.

Baby Jake is having a procedure done this morning so check his website for updates in between prayers.

A very special employee who says the most amazing prayers gave me a card for my birthday and I wanted to share the words with you:

“God has more for you than your faith could even imagine and more than your heart could ever hold. In the coming year there will be more to embrace, more to grow in, and more to enjoy from the River of His Goodness in your life.

His plan for you to move from blessings to blessings-like waters you can walk in, to waters you can swim in, to waters so abundant you will not be able to cross to the other side.”

I know that I get down sometimes and it is then that I should look up and just thank God for the blessings that He has provided and continues to provide in my life.

Thanking Him
Tina

Wednesday, September 13, 2006 7:54 AM CDT

Hello everyone I just wanted to thank everyone for wishing me a happy birthday. Now today is my wonderful wife's Birthday I will not tell you how old she is but she is closer to thirty than forty but not much just let her know how wonderful she is we could not make through our journey without her she is the best. Thanks,Jeff

Tuesday, September 12, 2006 10:37 AM CDT

Well, today has started off a much better day than yesterday. Again, it is all in the attitude and the fact that I have an amazing, incredible staff. If I haven’t told you lately they are the best.

Yesterday was just a tense day all around. Work was stressful and busy (which I like) and then I had a lot to accomplish after work (like getting the rest of the lights for the house) all while trying to make it home for Hayden’s ballgame.

They won their JV game and looked really good. Once again the defense was great and Hayden did a very good job. He is really having fun now and finally letting out a little of his frustration. I guess for the other team it is good that he is not very big. I also think that the coaches should be pleased to see what they have waiting on the sidelines hoping to fill some spots next year.

I haven’t said a lot about Hayden on here because he doesn’t like his complete life broadcasted but without being specific I just need you guys to pray for him. There really is a lot to being a teenager and he needs all of the guidance he can get.

Please continue to remember Chris and family in your prayers. I cried as I read her journal this morning. The aching feeling of feeling alone is all too familiar. This is one place I wish I could say I had never been but I have and I know every emotion that is going through her head. That longing to touch and hold them just one more time. If only it got easier.

I’ve got a lot to get accomplished today so this is a little short. Promise I will make up more later.

Believing in His Promises
Tina

Monday, September 11, 2006 10:24 AM CDT

As I sit here I am trying to come up with the words that would most accurately describe my mood and what is in my heart. This weekend was just a whirlwind of emotion.

I guess I will start with Friday night, we had a great time tailgating before the ballgame. I very much enjoyed the fellowship and the time with all of the kids. Have I told you how special my nieces are as well as my adopted nieces and nephews? The feeling that comes over me when they run up screaming “Aunt Tina”. There really are no words. I have come to expect it from some of them. God knows that I have so much love in my heart for children that He is opening doors for me and allowing me to get to know some very special children, each unique in their own special way. I wish Hayden still got so excited to see me, Ha Ha! The game was great! I wish it wouldn’t have been so close but we did manage to pull out a win so Minden is now 2-0. Go Tiders!!!!!!!!

Saturday I spent the day shopping or piddling with mom. We weren’t looking for anything special but I was able to find a few things for my house, imagine that. I am so ready for it to be finished. Luckily God has taught me a lot about patience these last few years. (I know my mom will read this and say what?) It was when we got home that I found out about Christal. My heart hurt. I wanted so bad to call Chris but I knew there was nothing I could say to fix it but I called her anyway. She held the phone to Christal’s ear and I got a chance to talk to her one last time. Please just pray for this family not just this week but for weeks and years to come. Like she said in her last journal, there is just an emptiness that you can’t get away from.

Yesterday was Jeff’s birthday and I guess it was as good as can be expected. We went to SS and Church where Mary Claire got her 1st grade Bible. Sunday School was a lot of conversation which I can say is not always the case when David teaches. Not that he doesn’t try just that we are not as smart as he is. The conversation gave us a lot of insight about people in our class that we may not have know very well. Where they have come from and where they have been. I had a lot to input. I have lived in Minden all of my life, with the exception of my hiatus to Memphis. Thanks David for filling in when Paul is gone.

I found the perfect devotional in my Promises from God book about Facing Death.

Don’t face death without facing God. Don’t even speak of death without speaking to God. He and he alone can guide you through the valley. Others may speculate or aspire, but only God knows the way to get you home. And ONLY God is committed to getting you their safely.

Jesus said “There are many rooms in my Father’s house; I would not tell you this if it were not true. I am going there to prepare a place for you. After I go there and prepare a place for you, I will come back and take you to be with me so that you may be where I am” (John 14:2-3)

He pledges to take us home. He does not delegate this task. He may send missionaries to teach you, angels to protect you, teachers to guide you, singers to inspire you, and physicians to heal you, but he sends no one to take you. He reserves this job for himself.

I am so thankful that there is a home prepared for me in eternity and that Jesus himself will come and get me when it is that time. I truly believe that all of these kids knew this long before Jesus showed up. They were far wiser than we could have ever imagined.

Heartbroken still
Tina

Sunday, September 10, 2006 3:01 PM CDT

I wanted to first say Happy Birthday to Jeff although it hasn't been a very happy day. We got a call this morning that Christal had gone home to be with Jesus, Stanton, Emma Grace and all of the other precious angels that I know were waiting on her. I have to wonder if she is already tired of Stanton and Emma Grace fighting over her.

I know that it is very hard for all of you understand just how hard this is on so many of us. We become a family at St. Jude and then are seperated by hundreds of miles. These kids become our kids and their parents become our family. It hurts!!!!! Christal ended her life just like she lived it, enjoying every minute and showing everyone just what life is about. Her website is www.christalinfo.com if you would like to encourage her family. You will come away encouraged her mom is AWESOME! It really does feel good to read from so many people.

Continuing to be heartbroken
Tina

Friday, September 8, 2006 11:48 AM CDT

I can't believe that I forgot to mentiona very special day. Since I usually don't journal on the weekend I wanted to share with everyone that Sunday is Jeff's birthday. I know it is not a first but all special days can be really hard just knowing Stanton should be there. So stop by and wish him a happy birthday and let him know you are thinking about him.

Okay okay, there is nothing terribly wrong with me. I didn’t journal yesterday because I did not work and I do not like Hayden’s computer and Stanton’s computer bit the dust.

I decided that yesterday was going to be an emotional day and I did not want to deal with it at work, so I took the day off. I actually got some needed things accomplished. I had several meltdowns before Jeff got home and I think, well I know he was afraid that I would not sign the papers. I just could not figure out a way to keep the old house and pay for the new house. It was a blessing to go into the lawyer’s office and see Stacy so excited to be buying her first house. I felt much better when it was over because I know how much it means to her and her little boy.

Preschool choir Wed. went great! We had a room full of kids. At one point there was a fight over whose Aunt Tina I was. I have to admit though I am not going to be good at being a disciplinarian. They are all just too cute. I do believe this is just another blessing God has put in my lap.

Wed. was also the last day of work here for one of my dearest friends, Don. Don has been here since I started and has always been a great friend to me. I know this move is the best for him but I sure am going to miss him popping in every now and then to check on me and to keep me in line. There are many days he would come in and say exactly what I needed to hear. I’m gonna miss you Don!!!!

Tonight is the Varsity game against Springhill. It is going to be so much fun. We are tailgating before the game, which is something new and should be lots of fun. I was all for just buying hamburgers until Jeff told me that was not real tailgaiting. So he is grilling.

I got an email asking for special prayer for Ben Bratton who has been in ICU at St. Jude since July. He has had a turn for the worse and things are not looking all that great. Please keep this special family in your prayers.

I also got another email letting me know that a little boy named Spencer had earned his angel wings last night. Have I mentioned lately how much I HATE cancer!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I know everything has a plan and happens according to God’s will but it so hard to understand that will while living here on earth. One day when we stand in heaven we may learn of the why’s but will it really matter? I really don’t think so.

Wishing you all a GREAT weekend
Tina

Wednesday, September 6, 2006 10:05 AM CDT

How is it that life can be so complicating yet so easy at the same time? Yesterday things rocked along pretty smoothly while today everything seems hard, memories come to easy. Who knows? Not that I mind the memories but some of them are hard. Then I watch and read as our friends that are still battling this beast tell of their day to day life. Once again Christal’s mom does an incredible job of putting her feelings into words about how special these children are and how as parents we are so blessed that they are our kids. The things I wouldn’t know now if it hadn’t been for Stanton.

Hayden’s game went good last night. They won and Hayden really did a good job. He was much more aggressive than usual which resulted in some tackles and a recovered fumble. It is so much fun to watch him play when he plays so well. Overall I thought the whole JV team looked good. The Varsity team plays Springhill at home Friday. They are encouraging everyone to come out and tailgate before the game to show your support for the Tide.

I guess a new journey in my life officially starts tomorrow. We are signing papers to close on our house that we area selling. We will not have to move out immediately. Stacy has generously offered to let us rent it from her until our house is ready. Ask me how I feel about this. I really don’t know. It should really be no big deal it is just a few papers. These are the papers to the house that Stanton knew as “home” when he wasn’t in Memphis. This is where he and Nanny Kay spent day after day playing so hard. Where he took his first steps. It is the place where I went and sat in the middle of the floor and cried as we were packing to leave for St. Jude. We also made so many memories with Hayden in this house but those are much easier to deal with because his memory making is not yet over. So how do I feel? I guess bittersweet. I am looking forward to starting some new memories at our new house. I also know that Stanton will be wherever we are, I will make sure of that.

I have another prayer request. I hate to keep asking for prayer for me when there are others that need it so much more but I am starting a new adventure tonight. Erin called and asked if I would help her with 3,4,and 5 year old choir this year. Now keep in mind I can’t sing a lick.. She remembered how much fun I had in T-ball so she wanted to at least ask. I really want to stay involved in some of the things that Stanton would be doing so I told her yes. Jeff believes this to be a mistake and that it is going to be too much for me mentally but I think it will be a big help. So please pray that this is a journey that God will bless and that I will have a good time.

There are several kids out there that still need so much prayer; Christal, Jake, Brent, Ben, and all of our friends from St. Jude. These kids fight so hard.

This month is also the month that Chili’s does their St. Jude promotion. I know I loved doing and receiving the peppers online. I know the Bossier Chili’s already has several chili peppers with Stanton’s name on them. The day that all of the proceeds will go to St. Jude is Sept. 25. So don’t plan on cooking that day. I can hear O.H. and Gary now, well that won’t be a problem for you. (I am not known for my cooking abilities).

Faith

Faith is the belief that God is real and that God is good… It is a choice to believe that the one who made it all hasn’t left it all and that he still sends light into the shadows and responds to gestures of faith…

Faith is the belief that God will do what is right

God says that the more hopeless your circumstances, the more likely your salvation. The greater your cares, the more genuine your prayers. The darker the room, the greater nee for light.

God’s help is near and always available, but it is only given to those who seek it,

From: Max Lucado’s “God’s Promises for You”

Depending on God’s Help
Tina

Tuesday, September 5, 2006 10:45 AM CDT

I hope everyone had a great Labor Day weekend. Ours was good. I guess I will start with Friday and tell you how things went.

First at the wound care doctor things just aren’t progressing as he as hoped but he is still working with the insurance company to work out a game plan.

Hayden played ball in Nachitoches Friday night, or should I say watched his team play ball. They won 30 something to 20 something although at the half it was like 25 to 0. He has a JV game tonight in Springhill so I hope to get to see him play some then.

Saturday morning I got up early and went to Canton with mom and Jamie. Jamie knew of this place there to get cabinet hardware much cheaper than anywhere else. We had a great day although it took some time to find the cabinet man and we went in several circles but that is okay we had fun picking on Jamie. Just as the day was going pretty smoothly (I was tired and probably pushing my limits) Jamie looked down to find one of my knobs laying on the ground. The bag had opened and they had been falling out for a while. Mom and I back tracked and then started counting. It looked like I had lost only 2 but I got the man’s name and number just in case we miscounted. Eating for the day was always interesting. Mom wanted to make sure we ate (me especially), I was never hungry and Jamie was counting Weight Watcher points. I think she did okay with her points until she started eating everything but the table at IHOP! Overall we got something accomplished and a few more things picked up for my house. I do have to tell you the neatest story. We were walking by the “Notta Sock” place and mom had on a St. Jude shirt so the lady asked her if she worked there. Mom told her a little of our story and then the lady told us that she collects pull tabs for the Ronald McDonald House in Memphis. We went on to explain what the RMH house meant to us and she was so excited. She couldn’t wait to go back and tell her SS class that she had met someone that benefited from her work. I had changed purse before I left and for some odd reason I put my business card holder in the new purse. As I was able to share Stanton’s card with this sweet lady the answer to why it was there was clear. We all left that booth a little teary eyed and of course I bought a notta sock. Isn’t it cool how God puts people in our paths when we need them the most. The whole day was a reminder of Stanton and all that he enjoyed. Everytime we turned around there was something that Stanton would have liked.

It was a long day and my body is still paying for it. When I got home I had to look at the mail and we had gotten the JC Penney Christmas book in (I can not believe it is almost that time again). I of course had to look through the whole thing including the toys which brought back another Stanton memory. This one comes from the time in between treatments when we were at home. We went to Memphis for his 3 month scans and one thing he wanted to do was go ride the merry go round at the mall. He couldn’t ride the merry go round without nurse Sarah so off we went to the mall. When we got there Santa was there so he and Sarah got there picture made in Santa’s lap. When Santa asked Stanton what he wanted his answer “a bull”. Sarah fell out laughing and couldn’t wait to tell us what he wanted. We decided that since the bull riding came from O.H. that we would let he and Debbie get him a bull. He stuck to this story everytime someone asked him what he wanted he would say “a bull”. If you only knew how hard it was to find a bull for him to ride. We searched everywhere and finally we walked into a western store and there sat a spring loaded bull equipped with rope, bell and all. I ran over grabbed a salesmen and said “This is mine, whatever you do don’t sell this”. I had not even looked at the price it really didn’t matter but we left that day with bull in tow. Stanton was so funny Christmas morning. We have pictures of him in his Blues Clues pajamas with one hand in the air riding the bull. As I looked through the catalog Saturday night guess what I found? You got it a bull! I just had to stop and laugh.

The rest of the weekend was spent working at the new house and the old house. The new house is coming along it just seems slow right now.

Thank you for your continued support and prayers.

Only By His Grace
Tina

Sunday, September 3, 2006 4:24 PM CDT

I know I usually don't update on Sunday's and this will be short and sweet. The doctor that was so rude was David Scott not Scott Phillips. I think the world of both Dr. Phillips' and would never have anything negative to say about them.

Will joural about the weekend on Tuesday.

In Him
Tina

Friday, September 1, 2006 10:55 AM CDT

What a difference a day makes. I am in a somewhat better mood. I guess it being Friday has something to do with it. I have also decided that I am not going to be that concerned about what people think about how I am handling my grief or my health issues. They could never understand until they have been there.

I have to say a HUGE thank you to Ms. Kimbrell (spelling???) who is a faithful prayer warrior who decided last night to pick up the phone and call me. You can never know how perfect the timing of that phone call was and how it helped to change my attitude. You made me see that there are still people who understand and that are praying for me even if I don’t know it. I know it was not an easy thing for you to do but thank you. Thank you also to all of you who signed the guestbook reminding me that I am not some weirdo who can’t get her act together. I love you all so much!

As for my doctors’ appointment yesterday, I have a doctor that I highly WOULD NOT recommend. His name is Dr. Scott and he was the most rude and uncompassionate person that I have ever met. During the exam he hurt me to the point of tears and never even asked if I was okay. He refused to do the liver biopsy regardless of why I was referred there. He really gave no definitive answer as to why but by that point he wasn’t touching me again anyway. I know I am a little spoiled because all of my doctors have been so good but I would have treated my dog better than I was treated.

On the complete opposite end of the spectrum I saw Dr. Mazantti, my wound care doctor this morning and he and his office staff are the most caring and compassionate people that I know. I was sure to thank them for this today.

Hayden’s ballgame is in Nachitoches tonight so please pray for safe travel for all.

I am finishing up month end so I can leave in time for the ballgame so I am sorry this is so short. I hope you all have a great holiday weekend.

Being carried as usual
Tina

Thursday, August 31, 2006 10:09 AM CDT

I have sat here and debated on journaling outloud today so I am not sure how far this will get or if you really even want to read it.

First of all I do have some good news for a change. The MRI of my hand came back negative for rheumatoid arthritis which is GREAT. That means that my joint pain is caused from reactive artihritis from the staph infection and still may go away. I will meet with the GI doctor today about my liver and to schedule the biopsy.

I guess I have a few points that I wish anyone who is grieving or who is trying to help someone grieve that I have learned. First of all there is no set time limit. Believe me I have asked because I wanted to grieve better than everyone else (I am failing miserably at that). Each person and their loss is different. What we need from you is to be there. Words are not always neseccary. We can’t be “fixed”. I know more than anybody how much better Stanton’s life is now. Does that make me miss him any less? NO! I will miss him for the rest of my life. My prayer and faith in God is that He will eventually make the pain a little less. I also know that He will do this in His time when I am ready and when His plan for me and this journey have been fulfilled. So, for those of you who think I should be over it by now, or get my feelings off of my shoulders I am sorry, I am who I am and I am doing the best that I can do at this point. What we do need is friends who will listen, not try to fix us, and just let us be who we are. Unfortunately for me those are few and far between.

I do have some irrational regrets as far as Stanton goes. I know they are irrational but once again I will have to deal with them and face them head on when I am ready. No one can do this for me.

I am sorry for all of you who love me who I have let down by not being as strong as you think I should have been and continue to be but for my emotional well being I can’t be strong all of the time. It’s then that I let go and fall into God’s arms. He will carry me until I can be strong again.

And something else that I have learned and I can’t believe that more people I know haven’t learned this. Material things are just that, material. Those things can be replaced, fixed or whatever. Are they really worth giving up a relationship over or causing a big fight over. Not for me. Anything material I have except for a few things of Stanton’s can be replaced. I am not going to get worked up if they get broken, dirty or anything else. I am going to pick them up, forgive whoever did it and move on. Life is really to short.

On another note, the baseball team in Minden is selling fish fry tickets for Sept. 22. They are 7.00 a piece and if you would like one please feel free to email or call and Hayden will get them to you.

Thank you so much for letting me vent a little today. Sorry it was not my usual uplifting journal. I guess I am in need of a little uplifting myself (hint hint)!

Homesick
Tina

Wednesday, August 30, 2006 10:36 AM CDT

Sorry about the lack of an update yesterday but I am just having that kind of week. Again, I can’t really explain it I have just been in one of those moods. I am sure none of the physical issues are helping. And to top things off I now am having to fight with the insurance company on why I need continued therapy. I was told this morning that I could appeal but there has never been an appeal overturned that she knew of. All I can say that if a panel can read a letter from me, my doctor ,and therapist and refuse further treatment it will not be a good day for anybody.

Hayden played a JV ballgame Monday and did good. He has had a headache for at least 2 days now and if my mommy suspicions are right he is getting dehydrated although I can’t tell him that. I will just be watching him closely.

I will meet with the GI doctor tomorrow to set up the liver biopsy. I will let you know the date as soon as I do.

The house is coming along. Now seems to be the slow part although you can see some changes. I try not to go look but about every 3 days so I won’t be disappointed.

I had to share this entry into the guestbook because it was a reminder that I needed as I seem to stay in the valley a lot. Just as I begin to climb the mountain a boulder sends me crashing back down. I know many of you reading this are in the valley or have been before so you might enjoy this.

“yes, you have to go thru valleys to get up on the mountain. but have you ever noticed what is growing up on the mountaintop? nothing. all the growing and nourishing is done in the valley. that's where it is green and fertile. that's where the food and water is. sure, we all like to be up on the mountain, but we can't stay there all the time. so even though the valley is not always our favorite place to be, be encouraged that this is where you'll gain the strength to climb up the next mountain!”

Yesterday I needed any and all encouragement I could get and can you imagine how I felt after reading this. This is one reason I continue to journal on here because you all offer me such strength when I feel so weak. Thank you all!

Being carried through the valley but stopping to smell the flowers
Tina

Tuesday, August 29, 2006 9:21 AM CDT

Having a rough day. No reason guess I just don’t feel like talking. Sorry.

Remember you must walk through the valleys before you can stand on top of the mountain.

Being carried in the valley
Tina

Trish-thanks for yesterday I had a blast!

Monday, August 28, 2006 11:06 AM CDT

Guess where I just got back from??? The wound care doctor. Yes, my 2 year old hysterectomy scar has reopened again. It is bad enough this time that he mentioned a scar revision but since I have recently had a staph infection this will not be an option for a while, so the next step seems to be a skin graft. He is going to work with the insurance company and see and I will see him again on Friday. I really can’t tell you how frustrating all of this is.

We had a pretty good weekend. Hayden’s team won their jamboree ballgame on Friday night which actually was the uneventful time of the evening. When we went to leave mom and dad were blocked in (in fact the whole parking lot was blocked by one car) and no one would respond and come move their car. While we waited on them I got to not feeling so great and the first thing Jeff said was “have you eaten?” I had taken my shot before we left and forgotten to eat so my blood sugar dropped fast and obviously pretty low. Nothing a little Dr. Pepper didn’t fix.

Saturday was a lot of doing little. I ran some errands picked up a little and then did nothing except for some great quiet time that evening when everyone was gone.

Yesterday was about the same except for we got dressed and went to Church. In SS we are starting a study on Max Lucado’s book “Come Thirsty”. I have this book but have not read it so I am so excited except for the book is packed somewhere. Jeff looked for it in the storage building to no avail. I do have the study guide that hasn’t been packed yet. It is going to be a great study on quenching our “spiritual thirst”.

Today would have been Stanton’s first day of kindergarten. This is just one of those days that I knew I would have a hard time with. Why? No idea!

Hayden had a junior varsity game tonight so that will keep my mind occupied some.

I was checking up on Christal www.christalinfo.com and just cried through one of her mom’s entries over the weekend. She summed up so well what so many of us feel but yet have a hard time explaining it to others so I copied it for everyone to see. If you get a chance stop by and let her know you are praying for them. You can’t know how much the guestbook entries mean and this is one INCREDIBLE little girl.

I have felt the last several days like God is laying something heavy on my heart to tell all of you, but I wasn’t sure what the words were suppose to say. I re-read a message from a good friend of our family in California, Pam Pieson. I love what she said, because... she didn’t know what to say to us for a long time. She WANTED to write to me, but found herself without words when she would sit down to type me a note. (Probably a common feeling amoung many of you.) After reading the posts from last week she felt sad. Sad for Christal, sad for me and our family, sad for everyone that knows Christal. She felt better knowing that we had stopped by Christal’s school for a picture on the way home from the hospital, and that she was getting out. She said that I always make her feel better. That, even when I’m down I manage to put a perspective on the situation that makes it all seem okay. Do you know what that is and where it comes from everyone?? God’s grace. At Christal’s prayer service on Sunday, there were 3 things that Pastor Dave asked everyone to pray for... 1. Healing for Christal, 2. Peace for the family, and 3. To praise Him. That’s when it hit me... THAT’S the answer. I have NEVER stopped praising HIM for this journey. Yes, bad things have happened... and it’s easy for me to say this now since Christal STILL isn’t sick... But, the blessings in our lives are OVERFLOWING!! They always have been, even when things weren't good. We still have SO much more than some people have in their lives. Think about it... your job, your house, your kids, freedom to worship, and the list goes on and on. No matter what, God has ALWAYS provided for us. There are things that Satan would LIKE for you to believe, but I know the true. God is merciful, and we might not understand all that he is doing in our lives... but we must trust the promises He gave us. He never promised us a perfect life... only His perfect love. And all things happen in HIS timing... not our own. I have comfort in knowing that GOD is in control and He’s already there and has it all worked out... no matter the outcome. This journey Christal has had is NOT for nothing. I know there are people that are being touched by her story that we have NO idea of... I know people have changed BECAUSE of her. Look at her own family. Because of her story, her step-daddy has ensured that he’ll see her again one day by accepting Jesus in his heart. It just doesn’t GET any better than THAT my friends. If you don’t think you need Jesus in your life... then think AGAIN. We’re alone in this world, and you just CAN NOT do it without Jesus. He KNOWS about your troubles and your pain, and He wants you to bring those troubles to Him. Most of all, He wants to have a relationship with you... He loves you more than anyone in the entire WORLD. Isn’t that SO COOL??? He created you perfectly... and He loves.... you. Like there was no one else in the world to love. Lets not forget that God gave His son to us... to die on the cross. How many of you would give us YOUR child so that the rest of the world could have eternal life? Man. So, I know my Heavenly Father knows and understands what I’m going through... Because He watched His son die too. My God knows all ABOUT suffering. Again, it’s easy to say some of these things when I know I can go in the other room and kiss Christal goodnight, and touch her skin, and know she’s here with me... she can laugh and play and be “her Christal self”. But I know He’ll be there for me, no matter what the road ahead brings. I sit here... praising my Father in Heaven. Christal is the REAL hero in all this... I’m just the vessel, telling this story of hers.

This is the truth guys! This is not something that me, Trish or Chris just make up for you to read, these are real feelings. People think I am crazy when I say I wouldn’t trade the journey for anything or that I am just saying that. I mean it with all of my heart. Too many blessings came from the journey that I am not giving back. I would be lying if I told you that I liked the end of the journey (or that journey anyway) or that I wouldn’t take Stanton back in a heartbeat because I would. It is during these times that like Chris I have to stop and remind myself that this is God’s life not mine. I am His child doing His work just like Stanton did. As I talked with my employees about my wound this morning I couldn’t leave the room without looking at Beverly and Yolanda and saying you know it could be worse. I am truly a blessed person. I don’t want to ramble I just wanted to let you read the words of an AMAZING woman that I am so proud to call my friend. Love you Chris!!!!!!!!!

Praising God for the Journey
Tina

Friday, August 25, 2006 10:18 AM CDT

Yeah! It is Friday. I love Fridays until I realize they are just closer to another Monday.

Yesterday around our small town was very interesting. We had a plant and I don’t know for sure what they do so I won’t even try to explain but they work with explosives that caught on fire. There were many explosions and what could have been a disastrous occasion was averted thank to the hard work of many but I have to compliment our current Sheriff. Sheriff Sexton-you did an incredible job of managing a very difficult situation, having the knowledge to know you needed help and asking for it. I think it shows what the law enforcement community thinks about you by the way they responded. I hope things are a little better for you today.
Two of the roads closed were the only way that I knew how to get home but fortunately one opened before I left work. A BIG thanks to all who helped in yesterdays situation, you all too often go unnoticed.

Last night we went to watch Walker play ball and Whittney cheer. I don’t think they would have missed us, they have their own fan club. You both did great and we are so proud of you.

Tonight is Hayden’s jamboree in Homer so please pray for safe travels and a safe game.

We have no big plans for the weekend so maybe it will be a quiet one.

I have attached an email that I got and it has really cute pictures with it but I have yet to figure out how to transfer all of that to caringbridge so I hope you will get the picture without really getting the pictures.

GOOD ? ? ?MORNING?? !

To: YOU
Date: TODAY
From: GOD ?
Subject: YOURSELF
Reference: LIFE

This is God. Today I will be handling ALL of your problems for you. I do Not need your help. So, have a nice day.

I love you.

P.S.

And, remember...

If life happens to deliver a situation to you that you cannot handle, do not attempt to resolve it yourself !! Kindly put it in the SFGTD (something for God to do) box. I will get to it in MY TIME. All situatio ns will be resolved, but in My time, not yours.

Once the matter is placed into the box, do not hold onto it by worrying about it. Instead, focus on all the wonderful things that are present in your life now.

If you find yourself stuck in traffic, don't despair. There are people in this world for whom driving is an unheard of privilege.

Should you have a bad day at work; Think of the man who has been out of work for years.

Should you despair over a relationship gone bad; think of the person who has never known what it's like to love and be loved in return.

Should you grieve the passing of another weekend; think of the woman in dire straits, working twelve hours a day, seven days a week to feed her children.

Should your car break down, leaving you miles away from assistance; think of the paraplegic who would love the opportunity to take that walk.

Should you notice a new gray hair in the mirror; think of the cancer patient in chemo who wishes she had hair to examine.

Should you find yourself at a loss and pondering what is life all about, asking what is my purpose? Be thankful. There are those who didn't live long enough to get the opportunity.

Should you find yourself the victim of other people's bitterness, ignorance, smallness or insecurities; remember, things could be worse. You could be one of them!

Thankful for all God has provided
Tina

Thursday, August 24, 2006 9:41 AM CDT

It’s raining!!!!! It hasn’t really rained here in a while. Daddy says it is still not raining at his house. He is trying to keep some grass he bought alive with no help from Mother Nature.

So, it is very dreary and very hard to get motivated to do anything. I got so much accomplished at work yesterday I was hoping for a repeat but there is still hope.

We are planning on going to our Cousin Walker’s football jamboree tonight. He is the quarterback and from what I have ever seen and understand he is pretty good. His younger sister Whittney will also be cheering for him so we will get to see her to. I do hope the rain has slacked up some by then.

Last night Hayden spent the evening running around getting his school supplies. It is no fun when they can and would rather go on their own without your help. He did let me look at what he had gotten when he got home. He made good choices.

After all of this I was so tired I went to bed and was asleep by 9:30. I didn’t even get to see the answer to the medical mystery.

I woke up this morning with my blood sugar low so I have not felt so good this morning and I am still trying to get it to come up a little more.

This devotion comes from a book about God’s promises. This one is His promise on Love.

“Our love depends on the deliverer of the love. Let a thousand people pass before us, and we will not feel the same about each. Our love will be regulated by their appearance, their personalities. Even when we find a few people we like, our feelings will fluctuate. How they treat us will affect how we love them. The receiver regulates our love.

Not so with the love of God. We have no thermostatic impact on his love for us. The love of God is born from within him, not from what he finds in us. His love is uncaused and unspontaneous.

Does he loves us because of our goodness? Because of our kindness? Because of our great faith? No, he loves us because of HIS goodness, kindness, and great faith.”

I am so blessed to serve a God who loves me unconditionally and not based on what I have done here on this earth!

Blessed
Tina

I added a picture in the album

Wednesday, August 23, 2006 9:42 AM CDT

Good morning all! I guess things are going okay around our house or at least nothing going on that I want to report.

Hayden is back in school full swing. I am already dreading the homework that he will have. He has Chemistry, Advanced Math, American History and Football this first semester. It is going to be tough but he will be glad to get it over with.

Mary Claire was more than excited to start school. She has been waiting all summer to be a first grader. She is so funny. I had a lot of fun with her yesterday.

I want to remind you to keep the prayers going for Christal and Jake. I can tell you that if most adults would have been through what they have been through they would have given up a long time ago. These kids are amazing.

I heard something on the radio this morning and it was so appropriate but of course I did not have a pen to write with not to mention I was driving down the road.

It was a man talking about storms and how in life we all go through storms. Some are small thunderstorms and some seem like enormous hurricanes but as Christians we can expect Satan to send some storms our way. This is when I really started paying attention because lately it seems like my life is one storm after another. What he said was that no matter how big or small our storm God knows about it. He not only knows but He is walking us through it. We have to reach out and hold onto Him and He will walk us straight through the middle of the storm. This He promises us. So no matter what is going on in your life just reach out to Him. He will grab your hand and walk you through. The hard part for us is that we have to have the faith and trust that when we reach out He will be there. He will be, He never breaks his promises.

Wishing you all a blessed day!

Standing on His promises
Tina

Tuesday, August 22, 2006 10:17 AM CDT

Well, it is the first day of school for our kids. They just had to go register but they still had to get up early. Hayden actually had to register and then go straight to football which may be a blessing because it may be a little cooler for them. I have Mary Claire today. We went to register her, it was really just for Mary Claire to get to be a part because Jamie had already done all of the paperwork. I thought she needed to at least get to do what the other kids got to do. The one thing I didn’t take into consideration was exactly how hard this would be on me. I managed to hold back any tears but I will say, we did not stay long. I can’t believe she is going to be in the first grade, they grow up to fast.

She is now sitting here painting something. Her mom never sends anything easy to do.

I got home last night and Hayden had made supper. His comment was he knew if he wanted it he would have to cook it. He was on a roll last night picking on me but it was nice to see him in a good mood.

John 3:31

The One who comes from above is greater than all.

“They have no more wine” Mary told Jesus (John 2:3). That’s it. That’s all she said. She didn’t go ballistic. She simply assessed the problem and gave it to Christ.

Next time you face a common calamity, follow Mary’s example: Identify the problem. (You’ll half solve it) Present it to Jesus. (He’s happy to help you) Do what he says. (No matter how crazy)

What a simple solution to all of our problems. I will be the first to admit that this is not always the approach that I take. There are times when I try to fix it first then hand it over to God. Big mistake.

Taking One Day at a Time
Tina

Monday, August 21, 2006 10:11 AM CDT

Monday morning again! The weekends never seem long enough no matter what you do.

We went to Hayden’s ballgame Friday night. It was a scrimmage so you really don’t know who would have won had it been a real game but our team looked pretty good. I know they are still working on a lot. Hayden got to play some. Of course I thought he did good but he and Jeff both informed that he had not. Oh well he need positive reinforcement from somebody even if I don’t know what is going on.

Saturday I tried some housework but the couch just did not want to let me up. I eventually called and went to see Jamie and the girls so I could make myself get up. Jamie even cooked supper for us.

David taught Sunday School again and we picked up where we left off last week, talking about our parents and how we view their parenting skill now. It kind of bothered me because I don’t see myself or Jeff as good of parents as mine were. I guess it give me something to strive for. One thing that was said that touched me and brought back something Hayden had said was that “You become a family when you get married”. You don’t have to wait until you have children. When you do they join your family that you already have formed. This brought tears because after Stanton was gone Hayden made the comment “We are not a family anymore now that Stanton is not here.” I don’t know if we ever convinced him otherwise. We tried to reassure him that no matter what we would always be a family.

School starts tomorrow and I am dreading it as much as the kids. Although Mary Claire is very excited about being a 1st grader. Hayden tried to convince her that you were not supposed to be excited that school was starting.

Not much more to say today. Just know that last week was a long one and hoping this week will be better.

Looking for the SONshine
Tina

Friday, August 18, 2006 11:24 AM CDT

Let’s just say that today is not starting out so great. In fact I am just about ready for this week to be over. I woke up this morning to toilet paper all in the yard which we just laughed and made sure Hayden knew it would be cleaned up and then I went to get into my car. This is where I got angry. There is a dent in the side of my door. I want explain how it got there I’ll just say they were leaving an imprint that I don’t know if the police can check for. As of now no one has confessed which bothers me but oh well.

I had my MRI of my hand yesterday. I won’t have the results back for a couple of weeks. The neat thing was that I had this incredible Christian nurse that did the scan. It took about 45 minutes and we had the best conversation about God and His plans for our lives. It just goes to show that you never know who God will put in your path and use in your life to truly make a difference.

Hayden had a scrimmage game tonight so say extra prayers for all the players and coaches as it is still so very hot here.

The song I gave you the lyrics to came off of a CD that I finished listening to on the way home yesterday and I have to tell you it is a great CD. It is called “The Line Between the Two” by Mark Harris.

This song is one that just touched my heart so much yesterday:

Until

Is it unfair
To say that you are leading
Then try to face this mountain on my own
Why am I scared
I’ve never stopped believing
And you have never left me all alone
Well I could get ahead of where you’ve
Led me to
But I will trust your heart enough to wait for you

Until this mountain moves
Until this path is clear
Until Your voice is the only one that I can hear
Until I see your hand
Until I know your heart
Until I trust the grace that’s carried me this far

I will be still until

How could I
Have never seen this coming
It’s not like I’ve been running
From your will
Tell me why
Each day’s another mystery
Waiting for you truth to be revealed
I try to tell my heart to trust what I believe
And wait on You through all my uncertainty

Until this mountain moves
Until this path is clear
Until Your voice is the only one that I can hear
Until I see your hand
Until I know your heart
Until I trust the grace that’s carried me this far

I will be still until

Be still my heart and of worry
Be still my restless soul
Be confident and certain
Be still and know

I tell you this kind of just reminded me of my whole head/heart thing. I am learning to just be still. God has carried me this far, I know he is not putting me down yet.

Until
Tina

Thursday, August 17, 2006 10:13 AM CDT

HELP NEEDED: I have just been told no by my first congressman and I am not taking it to well so this is what I need. First of all it is Representative Richard Baker from the 6th district. So for all of you in the Baton Rouge area I need you to contact Rep. Baker and tell him how important this legslation is. It is called "Conquer The Childhood Cancer Act of 2006. You can go to his website to email him. If you are not from his district or even the state and want to voice your opinion you have to have a zip code to be able to get the email to go through. That would be 70808 or you may email his assistant directly at Amy.Swisher@mail.house.gov Thanks for your help!

Where to start? If only I knew. I sit here this morning almost without words which you all know is a big deal for me. My heart is so heavy with soooooo much going on. It is back to that my head and heart can’t cooperate and I sure do hate that!

First of all I just finished reading Christal’s website and I told you her mother is amazing and if you didn’t believe me you should after reading her update. Chris-Girl, you are the bomb diggity! You are so right when you say how blessed you were to be Christal’s mom. I know that is something I have said about Stanton many times. I love you and are here for you only a phone call away. www.christalinfo.com

Reading the journal also brought back some bittersweet memories. Mom, Dad, Jamie and the girls came to the hospital the weekend after they told us there was nothing else they could do. They came well prepared. At St. Jude when you finish chemo you get a “no mo chemo” party. Well guess what? That is exactly what we did. We had confetti, confetti poppers, balloons, the whole nine yards. I can see as clearly as if it happened yesterday Stanton sitting on the mat on the floor with my dad and the girls with confetti and streamers everywhere!! When the nurses heard what we were doing they brought in a cake. Looking at Stanton’s energy you would have never even known he was sick much less that he only had 2 weeks left to live. Priceless memories that are still so vivid and fresh.

Jake is back at St. Jude for scans. His tumor marker had risen which was not what they were hoping for but we all know numbers mean absolutely nothing to these kids who fight so hard. Please just keep he, Staci, Dona and their family in your prayers.

I got to go play with my new adopted children again yesterday. Yes, I think they are going to get tired of me. One of my favorite things about my visits is that Sammy who is 4, runs out to my car every time as soon as I get there and gives me a GREAT BIG hug. If you only knew how this warms my heart. That is one thing I miss most is coming home and having Stanton there to come running with a hug. Sometimes I think kids know so much more than we do and I believe that Sammy knows this is exactly what I need. I don’t get a hug when I leave though. After Sammy’s hug the rest are to follow and they are all the coolest kids. I don’t even remember why I decided to do this but what I do know is God had everything to do with it because they have all been such a blessing.

The other big thing I have going is a teenage son. I guess no matter how amazing they are they are going to be teenagers. Hayden has had to endure more loss and heartache than any one individual should have to in a lifetime much less 16 years and I hate that. He has really struggled to finally be a kid and now I feel like that as he is doing this I am having a hard time not trying to be “mother hen”. I can’t stand to see him down and hurting especially when there is nothing I can do to fix it as it is just part of being 16. He has and always will be my baby and I love him more than he could probably ever know. I have already missed so much of his life that I feel like I am always trying to catch up. We had some rough times last night and it was no fun.

Hayden-You are such an amazing kid and boy do I feel blessed to be your mom. I know that I am not worthy of the 2 very special gifts God has given me in you and Stanton. I also know that you have been dealt a very hard hand and I can’t fix it. Actually with all I have going on I seem to only make it worse. I am so proud of all that you are and continue to strive to be and I love you so much. Please just understand I only want what is best for you.

A couple of weeks ago I heard a song on the radio and of course I had to find the CD because it was beautiful and now having the CD so is the whole thing. It is Mark Harris and the song is called “Find Your Wings”. If you have children I promise you you will love this song. Hayden this is what I want for you!

It’s only for a moment you are mine to hold
The plans that heaven has for you
Will all too soon unfold
So many different prayers I’ll pray
For all that you might do
But most of all I want to know
Your walking in the truth.

And if I’ve never told you
I want you to know
As I watch you grow

I pray that God will fill your heart with dreams
And that faith gives you the courage
To dare to do great things
I’m here for you whatever this life brings
So let my love give you roots
And help you find your wings

May passion be the wind
That leads you through your days
And may conviction keep you strong
Guide you on your way
May there be many moments
That make your life so sweet
But more than memories

I pray that God will fill your heart with dreams
And that faith gives you the courage
To dare to do great things
I’m here for you whatever this life brings
So let my love give you roots
And help you find your wings

It’s not living if you don’t reach for the sky
I’ll have tears as you take off
But I’ll cheer as you fly!

I pray that God will fill your heart with dreams
And that faith gives you the courage
To dare to do great things
I’m here for you whatever this life brings
So let my love give you roots
And help you find your wings

I just love this song because if you are a parent you have been given a gift. A gift straight from God and he felt you worthy enough to parent one of His children. It is our responsibility to give them the knowledge and the tools to succeed at whatever they want to do and the greatest tool being the Father Himself.

I am sorry if this has not been my typical entry but I have a LOT on my plate right now. I have an MRI of my hand today to determine if the arthritis is indeed Rheumatoid or reactive.

My last prayer request is that you pray that God will continue to show me the way through all of this darkness. I know that one day, although maybe not on this side of heaven I will know the reasons but right now I’m struggling.

Letting God carry me as usual
Tina

Wednesday, August 16, 2006 10:17 AM CDT

Thank you all so much for all of the guestbook entries. They are a true spirit lifter when I needed them the most. Yesterday was just one of those days I could have skipped and been happy.

I will go straight to the heart of yesterday’s frustration. One of our dear St. Jude friends is having a very tough time right now and her mom was faced with unimaginable decisions (or unimaginable for most). I promise you this is not a club that you want to be in. I don’t even think I can put into words how cool this little girl and her mom are. One of the problems in being a St. Jude family is that if you are not in Memphis you could be anywhere so when Chris needed us the most we couldn’t be there physically although she knew my heart was there all night. Basically they will be taking Christal home to enjoy the time she has left and all we can do is pray for miracles and most importantly God’s will be done in her life. Have I told you lately how much I HATE that cancer word. AGHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!! My sister Trish as always is really being the rock in this situation as always and reminded everyone on Christal’s website www.christalinfo.com that although we don’t understand all of His plans we just have to trust!

I spent over an hour last night in quiet time, needing some answers, needing to feel God’s arms surround me and that is exactly what I got. I was in the 119 chapter of Psalm with a devotional that talked about brokenheartedness and telling yourself the truth. It talked of God healing the brokenhearted and although when you are at your deepest despair and feel like God is farthest away he is actually closer than ever, holding you close, catching every tear. As you are feeling hopeless there will be many lies that go through your head about your grief and how you feel. It is then you just have to turn to God and His word and promises to be reminded that He is right there. Talk about an on time devotional. The thought for the lesson was to read Psalm 119 and list things that the Psalmist had asked for that you wanted to ask God for. I am really sharing my heart here and exposing some of my greatest weaknesses only because I know you will all pray me through these.

God I ask you to:
• Help me seek you with my WHOLE heart
• Open my eyes that I might see the wonderous things that you have provided me
• Remove contempt from my body and mind
• Help me understand your way
• Strengthen me
• Show me your mercy
• Heal my brokenheartedness

As I was coming to work one of my favorite songs came on and I know I have shared it before but it kind of goes with the devotional so I thought I would share the lyrics again.

Praise You in This Storm
Casting Crowns

I was sure by now
That You would have reached down
And wiped our tears away
Stepped in and saved the day
But once again, I say "Amen", and it's still raining

As the thunder rolls
I barely hear Your whisper through the rain
"I'm with you"
And as You mercy falls
I raise my hands and praise the God who gives
And takes away

I'll praise You in this storm
And I will life my hands
For You are who You are
No matter where I am
Every tear I've cried
You hold in Your hand
You never left my side
And though my heart is torn
I will praise You in this storm

I remember when
I stumbled in the wind
You heard my cry
You raised me up again
My strength is almost gone
How can I carry on
If I can't find You

As the thunder rolls
I barely hear You whisper through the rain
"I'm with you"
And as Your mercy falls
I raise my hands and praise the God who gives
And takes away

I lift my eyes unto the hills
Where does my help come from?
My help comes from the Lord
The Maker of Heaven and Earth

What a hard concept to grasp. I know it is for me. Wishing you all a great day!

Trying to Praise Him in This Storm
Tina

Tuesday, August 15, 2006 9:54 AM CDT

Good morning all, coming to you from a freshly fixed air conditioned office. Yes, that means it is still very hot in here but we do have cool air blowing. I must once again compliment my staff. They all pulled together yesterday so we could leave early and no one would be behind today no matter how hot they were.

I am determined that today is going to be better than yesterday. I managed to make it here without running over anything in the road. It was a mere 1070 dollars worth of damage to my car. Thank you for insurance.

I guess you have noticed I changed the picture on the front page. I also changed some in the photo album as well. The one with Stanton and Hayden is one of all of our favorites. The one on the front brings back some funny memories. When we were home when Stanton was in remission he took this picture at my mothers school and it is one of the only ones we have with his hearing aides in. He went to speech before he took the picture and had forgotten about them I guess. But that day in speech he learned the “B” sound. I would sit in the hall and listen as he did speech so I would know what we needed to practice before the next class. When we got in the car I asked him about what he had learned and he said “B B B Bonehead”. Wonder where he learned that from. That was funny but not as funny as the next class when he was practicing the B sounds again and they were talking about a belt and if his daddy had a belt. Stanton proceeded to tell his teacher “my daddy has a belt, he spanks me with his belt.” You can imagine the look on the teachers face. I called and warned Jeff that they may come pick him up for child abuse. Keep in mind Stanton had never been spanked with anything his entire life. We at one time decided to try a “sad spoon” which is a wooden spoon with a sad face on it. I got the spoon, drew the face and showed it to him. He was so scared that when I turned around he got the spoon and drew a happy face on the other side and said “You can’t spank me with a happy spoon.” He was also infamous for telling us we couldn’t spank him because his platelets were low and he would bruise. Boy we had our hands full but what a fun hand full it was.

I have to ask for special prayers for our friend Christal and her mom Chris. She is not doing very well. They are both adorable people and we love them dearly. There are lots of memories there but I will save those for another day.

By His Grace Alone
Tina

Monday, August 14, 2006 10:13 AM CDT

UGHHHHHHHH!!!!! I don’t even know where to start. I guess I will start with where I left off last week. I went back to Dr. Phillips for a follow-up of the liver ultrasound I had while I was in the hospital. The bad news is that is was not normal, the good news it 9 out of 10 times it is nothing, the bad news is I have to get a liver biopsy to find out, the bad news typically statistics do not do in my favor. I will keep you posted on when this will occur. They did change some of my diabetes medicine because I can’t seem to get my sugars down so I am really having to watch those closely. Again, I can’t tell you how blessed to have a doctor who is truly concerned about my health more than rushing to see how many patients he can see.

I spent the evening with my adopted family and was once again blessed by them. We got to cuddle up and watch a movie again. While we were doing this mom was cooking supper which was great, but not why I kept coming back day after day. Thank you guys so much for making my week extra special. Don’t worry though, I had so much fun I will be back!!!!!

Friday and Saturday was Jeff’s annual Oilman’s Skeet shoot. This is where I get to ride around with the rest of the wives and remind our husbands how good they are doing. Let me remind you how dedicated we are, it was 100 degrees out there!!! On Friday they practice and Saturday is the competition. They did not do as well as they usually do but considering that none of them had even seen a clay bird since last year they did okay. But as Miss Jill would say we had fun and that is really all that matters.

As for yesterday, Our Sunday School lesson was interesting as always when David teaches. He definitely takes a more hands on approach than Paul and we are not always a very hands on class. At least yesterday there were really no “wrong” answers so we did okay except for the little harassment we gave David for being older than we were, but I did notice he did not stand during Worship service when we recognized the senior adults in the church. (David, my daddy did stand so you aren’t as old as my daddy like you are Amy’s). It was a good laugh I’m just sorry it was at David’s expense although he took it in stride.

Yesterday afternoon I also realized the date and it hit me hard. Exactly one year and six months ago early on a Sunday morning I held my baby for the last time. Some days it feels like yesterday and others it seems like forever. For me what hurts the most is for every day that goes by I feel farther and farther away from him. Oh how I miss my baby!!!!!!!!!!!!

Now for today, as I was getting dressed one of my staff members called me to let me know that the air is not working AGAIN! I dressed lightly in hopes of having a quick service call which with this kind of heat is impossible. I work for an amazing boss who understands and does not want us working in the heat so we will all be leaving shortly as the mercury climbs. That is still not the best part. On the way over here a car in front of me ran over a HUGE piece of metal in the road which flew back hit the side of my car and then the car next to me. I have to say her damage was much worse than mine but my car is only 5 months old and is messed up on one side. I know I had my special angels on all tires (something I pray everyday that I learned from sister Trish) because the metal hit right behind the passenger window which means just a little closer and it would have been in my lap and I am sure I would have wrecked then. It was hard enough knowing it was going to hit you and there was nothing I could do about it. One of those things that is very aggravating when it happens but as I sit here and think about it, so small in the whole scheme of things.

I am going to end here and get some work done before it gets to hot. I hope you all have a great Monday.

Missing Stanton so Much
Tina

Thursday, August 10, 2006 11:03 AM CDT

Same story around my house. Still having some shoulder pain. It seems to come and go now which is good, it is not constant. I have one more Dr.’s appointment to find out the results of my liver ultrasound this afternoon. Yes, I have a million and one problems and believe me I am tired of it all.

This morning when I woke up to the news of another possible terrorist plot I sat there in amazement. First of all I just wanted Hayden and Jeff home so I knew we were all safe but then I also realized once again how fragile life can be and how at any unsuspecting moment your life can change. I was already missing Hayden. He can be such a teenager when he is home but he also will talk occasionally and I miss those late evening talks about how his day has gone. I know that if nothing else camp has been very HOT!!! I hope they are having some fun in between practices.

I got to go play with my adopted family again last night and I have to tell you I had a blast. One of them told me when I left that I looked tired and I had to admit she was right. One of the things we did was watch a Max Lucado kids movie, “Buzby the misbehaving bee”. These are really cute movies with a Christian base to them. I had one child on one leg, another on the other leg, one wrapped in my right arm and the other right next to him. I could have frozen that moment in time, I wouldn’t have wanted to be anywhere else. We had lots of fun and I can’t wait to go back.

Mary Claire is taking karate and I am proud to say that she is now a yellow belt. I know nothing about karate but I know yellow is better than white. She called to tell me last night and it has been several days since I talked to her and she sounded so grown up. It is hard to believe she will be in 1st grade. I had talked to Elynn Kate the night before and she had so much to say I could hardly keep up. She did tell me it was her mommy and daddy’s fault that I did not get to go camping. Not sure what I would do without the blessing of being surrounded by all of my nieces and nephews, biological and adopted.

Jeff has a skeet shoot this weekend that we will be going to so do not be surprised if I do not update again until Monday.

Thank you all for your continued support and prayers!

Only By His Grace
Tina

Wednesday, August 9, 2006 12:29 AM CDT

Okay, so I feel like I am slighting you all because this too will be a short journal. My shoulder is still in a good deal of pain but at least now I have some answers.

I went to the rheumatologist yesterday which went not as good as I was hoping but at least I have some answers. It seems the problems are not just in my joints but in my muscles as well.. For anyone going through complicated grief I have to tell you that it can affect your whole body even physically. I am learning that the hard way. So for the results, I have a condition called fibromyalgia. It can be very painful but so far I haven’t experienced the pain that the doctor felt I should be experiencing. He could not believe I was even able to still work. Right now the biggest things affected are my neck, shoulders and upper back and all of this is the main contributing factor to my headaches which so many thought were made up I think. My hips are not in line which is causing the knee pain. I do have arthritis, the idea now is to determine which kind. The first one is called reactive arthritis and could be caused from the recent staph infection. If this is the case then there is a 50/50 chance that it could go away after a while. The other would be rheumatoid arthiritis and lets just say it is not the one I want it to be although right now that seems to be what everything is pointing to. I had many x-rays and lots of blood work so hopefully I will have some answers soon. He did add some medicine to try to prevent the pain but told me to keep taking the pain medicine I had every 4 to 6 hours if hurting which right now is the case. I really liked Dr. Broadwell and I think he and Dr. Phillips are going to work great together. I just don’t want to hurt for the rest of my life. I will be going to PT at least twice but probably 3 times a week to loosen up the muscles in my neck and shoulder. Just one more thing to add to my list of to do’s.

I want to close with an email I thought was so neat because if you have ever felt God’s arms around you, you know exactly what this little boy is talking about. I have been blessed enough to feel his arms around me on more than one occasion.

Jesus and the mud puddle

Howard County Sheriff Jerry Marr got a disturbing call one
Saturday afternoon a few months ago.

His 6-year-old grandson Mikey had been hit by a car while fishing
in
Greentown with his dad.

The father and son were near a bridge by the Kokomo Reservoir when
a
woman lost control of her car, slid off the bridge and hit Mikey
at a
rate of about 50 mph.

Sheriff Marr had seen the results of accidents like this and
feared the
worst.

When he got to Saint Joseph Hospital, he rushed through the
emergency
room to find Mikey conscious and in fairly good spirits.

"Mikey, what happened?" Sheriff Marr asked. Mikey replied, "Well,
Papaw, I was fishin' with Dad, and some lady runned me over, I
flew
into a mud puddle, and broke my fishin' pole and I didn't get to
catch
no
fish!"

As it turned out, the impact propelled Mikey about 500 feet, over
a few
trees and an embankmentand in the middle of a mud puddle. His only
injuries were to his right femur bone which had broken in two
places.

Mikey had surgery to place pins in his leg. Otherwise the boy is
fine.

Since all the boy could talk about was that his fishing pole was
broken, the Sheriff went out to Wal-mart and bought him a new one
while he was in surgery so he could have it when he came out.

The next day the Sheriff sat with Mikey to keep him company in the
hospital.

Mikey was enjoying his new fishing pole and talked about when he
could
go fishing again as he cast into the trash can.

When they were alone, Mikey, just as matter-of-factly, said,
"Papaw,
did you know Jesus is real?

Well," the Sheriff replied, a little startled. "Yes, Jesus is real
to
all who believe in him and love him in their hearts."

"No," said Mikey. "I mean Jesus is REALLY real."

"What do you mean?" asked the Sheriff.

"I know he's real 'cause I saw him." said Mikey, still casting
into the
trash can.

"You did?" said the Sheriff.

"Yep," said Mikey. "When that lady runned me over and broke my
fishing
pole, Jesus caught me in his arms and laid me down in the mud
puddle."

Loving Being Carried
Tina

Tuesday, August 8, 2006 9:57 AM CDT

This is going to be very short and sweet as I have a short work day today so I have a lot to do.

First of all I have to say thank you to a very special family (you know who you are) who opened their home to me, shared their children and had great adult conversation as well yesterday. I had a ball playing with the kids and yes, they can be assured that I will be coming back. Thank you all so very much!

Next I have a couple of prayer requests. Jake is in LSU with the shingles. He is also still needing blood and platelets and I think his last batch of platelets was kind of hard to find. Please go to his website and see how to donate these blood products. I think they said he is A- but the blood bank can use any type. I am A- but have so many medical problems right now I can’t donate.

Second, I had been referred to a rheumatologist from Dr. Phillips. I had an appointment scheduled for Sept. 19 as it was their earliest appointment. I got an urgent call from this office yesterday saying that Dr. Broadwell had talked to Dr. Phillips and that he wants to see me today. At first I was excited to be seen so quickly but then reality set in and I began to get a little anxious. Please pray that Dr. Broadwell will be able to add to the mystery surrounding all of my problems and that it be something easily corrected. My appointment is at 1:00 so please say a quick prayer for my peace during this time.

Sorry to be so needy today but I guess that is how things go sometimes.

Still Being Carried
Tina

Monday, August 7, 2006 10:48 AM CDT

Good Monday morning! I hope everyone had a great weekend. Mine was good. Saturday I got to spend the day shopping with Dana, Amber, Hollan, and Maddux. You all know how much I love shopping with my nieces I am just going to have to get better at saying no. Maddux had not quite figured out how the Aunt Tina system worked but Hollan had it down pat. The first store she had her arm full of stuff telling me to go pay for it. She even made sure before we left the store that I had paid for it. Not one did she look at her momma. She is real good at working the system to because I would get a hug and a kiss often during the day. At one point I have to respect her honesty. I was getting some water and she wanted an icee. I asked if she would share with Maddux and she said no we need to get him his own.

We were looking at school supplies at Target and I have to say my heart was hurting. I would not be buying school supplies for Stanton. He would be starting kindergarten. I managed through with no tears though. The tears came this morning. I stopped by the school to give mom and Mrs. Gail a hard time because they started back to work today. It wouldn’t have been right if I did not bother them first thing. When I got there several parents were there registering their kids for kindergarten. Part of me really got angry because I should have been doing that! The other part of me just went to the car and cried. Mom reminded me that he is much smarter than a kindergartener now.

Jamie and her family have been on a long weekend at the Buffalo River and I am just about to go through withdrawals from Mary Claire and Elynn Kate. I sure hope she comes back Elynn Kate and not Megan. She is really starting to confuse me.

I am having some shoulder pain again, it appears that maybe the staph infection is not gone so I am going to keep this update short. I will start back on the book when I can type more.

Being Carried As Usual
Tina

Friday, August 4, 2006 10:47 AM CDT

Okay, so at least it is cool this morning. It is beginning to be like a game for my staff. We joke about what we are going to where the next day trying to decide if it is going to be hot or cold. Yesterday it cooled off pretty quickly.

It is so had to believe that it is August already. Every day Jeff asks where Hayden is and every day I say “football”. I am not sure if he realizes that this is now mandatory football. Hayden has been going so nothing has really changed except that he is getting home a little later. Speaking of football I want to ask all of you to say a special prayer for the Minden High Coaches as well as any other high school coach working with kids. First of all these guys get a first hand opportunity to make an impact on our children and I don’t know about you but I like knowing the impact will be positive. Also pray that they will all be aware of the heat and most importantly recognize how it is affecting each child. This time of the year scares me probably because Hayden has been hospitalized for heat related dehydration before. He is much more careful now to drink during the day and after practice especially.

If I am right Mom starts back to work next week. I am just not sure about where all the time has gone. It seems like it was just yesterday they were finishing school.

Chapter 3 Two Tombstones

The epitaph on a tombstone:

Sleeps, but rests not
Loved, but was not loved
Tried to please, but pleased not
Died as she lived-alone.

Words of futility. Who was this woman and why were these words written about her? Did she deserve the words written? Why are some live fruitful while others futile? How many people will die in the loneliness in which they are living?

At this point the book goes on to tell the story of the samaratian woman at the well. It describes the woman at the well in the noonday sun with her shoulders slumped and her eyes down. She probably expected to go to the well and run into no one. Instead she ran into someone who knew her better than she knows herself. Jesus asked for a drink of water and of course in her untrusting heart she had to wonder what else that he wanted from her. She was correct, He wanted more than water, He wanted her heart. He told her of a water that would quench more than the thirst of her throat but the thirst of her soul. Jesus talked to her with respect, a way that no man had ever talked to her. As she tried to tell her story He already knew. There is nothing about our lives that God doesn’t already know. If you have ever wondered what would happen if you opened up your closet full of sin, this story is for you. God will respond with forgiveness and kindness. You see, he has seen the inside of the closet. God doesn’t seek perfection, He seeks honesty. Can you imagine the look on the woman’s face when Jesus said “I am the Messiah”. She went back to the town to tell everyone who she had met. She forgot something as she ran off. She forgot her water jug, the thing that had caused her shoulders to sag. She had left behind the burden that she had brought. She could run and tell everyone that she had met Jesus and He loved her. Jesus took a drifting life and gave it direction. This is what He wants for all of our lives. For us to give Him our burdens and let Him direct our life.

The story of loneliness may not apply to many of you. I have to admit that I never thought that it would apply to me, but it has and I can tell you from experience that loneliness is not a fun place to be. So, if it does not apply to you, look at those around you. Do you know anyone who may be lonely? You can fix this. A simple smile sometimes makes lonely seem not so alone. A simple prayer for this person can do wonders.

“A prayer to do what God does best: take the common and make it spectacular. To once again take the rod and divide the sea. To take a pebble and kill a Goliath. To take water and make sparkling wine. To take a peasant boy’s lunch and feed a multitude. To take mud and restore sight. To take there spikes and a wooden beam and make them the hope of humanity. To take a rejected woman and make her a missionary.”

The second tombstone of the story is the water jug. It is the place of burial of insignificance.

Thank you all for the uplifting words in the guestbook, they mean the world. I hope you all have a blessed weekend filled with SONshine!

Blessed
Tina

Thursday, August 3, 2006 9:45 AM CDT

Well it appears that today is going to start off very similar to Monday in the work department. Our air is on the blink again. The biggest difference is that we noticed yesterday afternoon so maybe we will cool off much quicker today. I came dressed to be hot needless to say. Jeff is reading this and I know he is trying to figure out where he can go after work because I was such a grouch Monday.

They got the stain on the floors yesterday but I waited until this afternoon to get to see the finished product. I like surprises.

I had a great session with my counselor yesterday. He caught me off guard in the middle of a sentence saying something that he has been waiting to hear for a long time. We were talking about building the house and how Jeff and I were doing (we hear that people don’t get along well during this process). I said “Jeff and I have survived way more than this during the last 17 years, we survived getting married young, living pay check to pay check, fertility treatment, 2 high risk pregnancies, 2 years with a very sick little boy in a 12x12 room and the death of Stanton, building a house is a breeze.” He stopped me in midsentence and said do you realize what you just said. Something you have never said to me before and I can imagine that you have ever said. I had said “we had survived the death of Stanton”. WHOAH NELLIE!!!!!!!!!! Big big step maybe I am not ready for. His point was that he hadn’t coerced the comment I had just said it and had he not stopped me I would have kept on rambling. So, what does this mean? Your guess is as good as mine. A big part of me felt guilty for even thinking that I had survived much less saying it but there was this very small part deep inside of me that said “Good job, I knew you could do it. I knew you would not let this beat you.” A very very small part and I have a feeling that it is Stanton’s small voice saying way to go mom. Don’t get me wrong this in no way indicates the end of my grieving process it is just a step in the right direction. Please pray for me as my heart ventures into these new unchartertered waters.

Thank you for the guestbook entries, I love knowing who is still out there.

Chapter 2 God’s Formula for Fatigue

This chapter talks about us being tired and why we are tired. I know when I don’t sleep it is because my mind is racing. I am either thinking of memories or things that need to be done. The book describes it as being weary of being slapped by the waves of broken dreams or weary of staring into the future and seeing only futility.

What are the burdens that cause weariness? Futility, failure and finality. These 3 burdens no man can carry alone.

One thing that wears so many of us out these days is the fast pace lives that we all lead. The sprint for success, the days of doing whatever it takes. Ask yourself, is it really worth it? What am I giving up to live so fast paced? What price am I paying?

There is somewhere to go to find rest “Come to me all who are weary and burdened and I will give you rest.”

A carpenter said these words to the people of Jerusalem. He looked out into the crowd and said “Take my yoke upon you and learn from me, for I am gentle and humble in heart and you will find rest for your souls.” The people came. The brought him their burdens and he gave them just what he promised, rest. As a result they called Him Lord and Savior. Not so much because of what he said, but because of what He did. What He did on the cross 6 hours one Friday.

I have been blessed to experience this rest I have written about this week. God picked me up out of bed on Monday and has carried me through the week. I have begged Him not to put me down, I am not ready. My prayer for you today is that you can find some rest for you weary body and soul.

Resting in His Arms
Tina

Wednesday, August 2, 2006 10:57 AM CDT

Good morning! I am so glad it is the middle of the week. It has been very busy here at work. It always is during month end and I did not finish my reports yesterday which means I am really on a deadline today. I actually work better under pressure so they will be done.

Nothing new to report on here. They started painting the floors in our house yesterday. For those of you who don’t know, we are having a room that we call “Stanton’s room” but it is going to be like a gallery of Stanton’s race car stuff, cowboy stuff, etc. You will just have to see to understand but all along I said that this would be the one room that no corner would be cut. It had to be perfect from the beginning. That process started yesterday with the painting of the black squares of the checkerboard floor. They turned out beautiful. I couldn’t have asked for better. For those of you who may be wondering we are using Snyder floor covering. The girls that are doing the floor have been more than patient with me in coming up with a color for the rest of the house and they are doing a great job. Snyder floor’s is another one of those businesses that hold a special place in out hearts because of all that they did for us when Stanton was sick. They are truly unique and caring people.

I have been promising you to share with you from my new book I am reading so I guess I will start today. The book is called “Six Hours One Friday” by Max Lucado. I guess I will go by chapter and give you my thoughts.

Chapter 1 is called “Hurricane Warning”. It starts by describing a hurricane in 1979 in Miami. There were men who were faced with tying down a boat that had never been through a hurricane before and the best advice they got was “Anchor Deep”. Max then moves into how our lives can turn into storms, sometimes over a period of time and others very quickly and he uses the same concept for our storm filled lives. If you have a storm brewing or if it is at full force winds just think of it as you go through the rest of this chapter. Anchor points are firm rocks sunk deeply into a solid foundation. They are ironclad undeniables that will keep you afloat.

There are 3 storms described in this chapter. I know I fit into all of them at some point in my life. 1) FUTILITY 2)FAILURE 3) FINALITY Of the three I have to say that at this exact place in my life finality is the biggest storm for me. “Though it has slapped the beach countless times, you never considered it would hit you, but it did. Uninviteted and unexpected, it hit with tidal force, washing away your youth, your innocence, your mate, your friend. And now you are soaked shivering wondering if you will be next.” You don’t have to face these monsters alone, Anchor Deep.

This book will examine 3 anchor points. Three boulders which can stand any storm . “Each anchor point was planted firmly in bedrock two thousand years ago by a carpenter who claimed to be the Christ. And all of it was done in the course of a single day, a single Friday. All done six hours one Friday. For six hours that Friday God embedded in the earth 3 anchor points sturdy enough to withstand any hurricane.”

1. My life is not futile. The sole function of this rock is to give you something which you can grip when facing the surging tides of futility and relativism. Someone is in control and YOU HAVE A PURPOSE!

2. My failures are not fatal. It is not that He loves what you did, but He loves who you are. You are His. The one who has the right to condemn you provided the way to acquit you. You make mistakes, God doesn’t. (This spoke worlds to me. It was a reassurance that Stanton’s death was not a punishment for something I had done.)

3. My death is not final. The tomb that was sealed was that of a transient. He only went in to prove he could come out. And on his way out he took the stone and turned it into an anchor point. He dropped it deep into the unchartered waters of death.

These 3 anchor points are the anchor points of the Cross.

“Anchor deep, say a prayer, and hold on. Don’t be surprised if someone walks across the water to give you a hand.”

This is just the beginning of the book. Please let me know if you want me to continue or if you want something different. I have noticed that there are many lurkers and very few signers (thank you to those of you who have signed). As I pour out my heart I need to know that there are those who still read and are interested.

It looks like Jake is at home, Go Jake! I have to agree with Dawn Pierce www.caringbridge.org/ms/shaepierce that if you look at the word miracle in the dictionary you would see Jake’s picture.

Anchoring Deep, very Deep
Tina

Tuesday, August 1, 2006 9:55 AM CDT

Cool Air!!!!!!!!!!!!! Yeah!!!!!!! Yes, yesterday I got a taste of the real world as Jefff would say. I worked in an office with no air until about 3:00. Keep in mind I am a city girl who does NOT like to sweat so it was a pretty miserable day but guess what? We made the most of it! I was determined not even a little hot air was going to get me down. I have to say a HUGE thank you to one of my dearest friends, Don, who upon realizing our working conditions went and got us all icees (my favorite)!

Now, it is another day when I have so much in my head and heart to share I know it will end up rambling but I hope you can piece it together. We had a Summer Spectacular at church last night and oh did I walk away from there blessed. The singing Trio was called “Sons of the Father” and if you haven’t heard them you need to, they are great. The speaker was Dr. Junior Hill whom I have heard before and loved him and last night was no different. Last year when he came he spoke on “Troubles” which was very appropriate timing in my life and last night he spoke on “discouragement” again right on target for my life. If you ever have the chance to hear Junior Hill speak I highly recommend that you go. He is INCREDIBLE!

I told you that yesterday morning I got up and my prayer was just giving everything over to God. My hurts, my pain, the good the bad and the ugly I needed Him to have it all. I needed Him to show me the way and boy did He in a big way. I guess it started Sunday with the lesson on obedience and then the sermon from II Timothy but last night was the ringer. At one point they sang a song about II Timothy. I sat there with tears in my eyes once again envisioning what that moment must have been like for Stanton but then realizing that Stanton has had that moment. I need to focus on the chance when I will get to stand in that spot and pray that God says the same thing to me. A pretty enlightening revelation in the middle of this song. Then when Junior began his sermon and one of the first things out of his mouth was the word “obey” I knew I needed to listen carefully.

His sermon was from Luke 5 when the fishermen had fished all night and caught nothing until Jesus came along and told them to try one more time. The fishermen didn’t question or doubt this carpenter telling them how to do their job. They didn’t refuse to do what he said. They just threw the nets back in and then helped each other with all of the fish that they caught. It is like that with God’s Word. He tells us to share His word so that all may know Him. He expects us to do just that. He doesn’t expect us to get discouraged if it doesn’t seem to be working. He doesn’t expect us to question his commands. He doesn’t expect us to compete with others who are doing the same thing. What He expects is that we OBEY HIM! If we do what God tells us then He will take care of the rest. One of the statements made last night talked about God knowing everything about all situations. I think we tend to forget that sometimes and think that we need to tell God how we think things should turn out. Not true, we are to obey and He will take care of the rest.

One think I didn’t share with you yesterday morning but I feel led to share with you today is that during my prayer I also asked God to remind Stanton how much I loved him and how much I missed him. You see there are some mornings when my arms seem to literally ache to hold him and yesterday was one of those mornings. On the way to work I was talking to God again and telling Him how much I missed Stanton when a song came on the radio that talked about “If I had one more day with you”. The lyrics talk about what they would do with one more day but then realize that it would just cause them to want one more day. I could not turn the channel but did not find it an amusing song in the midst of my hurt. When it ended and I did change stations the next song that came on was “Dancing with the Angels”. What a different perspective this song put on my heart. I could see Stanton with his friends dancing in a way that only he could. Shaking his biscuits and all. I knew then that this was God’s way of saying “I keep trying to tell you he is okay.” All day on the radio it seemed that they played music that reminded me of Stanton and oh how it brought a smile to my face. Then last night to here the song about II Timothy I was convinced God had heard my plea and had answered my prayers. I know you are probably thinking I am crazy but there are times when even the little things comfort me.

I hope that you all can be blessed today. I know I am expecting to be!

Wanting to be that Faithful Servant
Tina

Monday, July 31, 2006 11:21 AM CDT

I don’t know if many of you have ever had this problem but I have so much going through my head right now and I want to share so much of it but I am sure it is going to come out as rambling so I guess you will just have to bear with me.

First of all the air conditioning is out at my office so I am beginning to glisten and I am afraid that it is going to get worse before it gets better. They have called in the experts but with this heat wave I am sure there is a waiting list. I am just encouraging my staff to drink plenty of water and go next door whenever they need a break. I guess it is about 112 degrees in here which is probably stretching it just a little right now but probably not by this afternoon.

As you all know I have not felt well but I do seem to feel a little better or I am getting better at this mind over matter deal. After I laid on the couch and in the bed all day Saturday, and I mean ALL DAY! I realized that my physical illness was not the sole contributing factor. I was going back to a place that I have been before, that is very easy to go back to and one that I really did not want to be back in again. For someone who is depressed, and yes, I consider myself a depressed person sometimes it is very easy to crawl in a hole and stay there. Fortunately for me I have been blessed to be surrounded by incredible family, friends and prayer warriors who have helped me to pray myself out of this hole many times. So, I decided that I was getting out of my hole and back to reality as hard as it may be.

Of course going to church is always a good first place to start and as usual we had 2 very good lessons. The first one in Sunday School was about obedience to God and the 10 commandments. How easy it is sometimes to not be obedient to God’s wishes and then to blame it on something else. God doesn’t want our obedience when we want to give it, He wants our obedience all of the time, even when we don’t understand. I guess this is the hardest time to be obedient but Mr. Lott reminded us that God only wants what is best for His children and He will do everything in His power to make sure that is what happens. I know when he said this the first thing that came to my mind was “how was taking Stanton best for me”? I do have several answers to this prayer and am sure will have many more continue to come as Stanton’s life continues to touch so many. I know that God’s plan is perfect and I am just going to have to learn to live with it and keep leaning on Him for my strength.

We got to church where it was Brother Wayne’s 60th birthday so we had a lot of fun with that. I also really liked all of the music that Todd had selected but when it came time for the message I have to say tears filled my eyes. You see, Brother Wayne was preaching from II Timothy and included the verse that was the first line of Stanton’s obituary. “I have fought the fight, I have finished the race, I have kept the faith”. This verse so summed up Stanton’s battle that is was the first that came to mind after he earned his wings. Brother Wayne ended his sermon saying he hoped one day to be praised by our Father saying “Well done good and faithful servant”. Again, I remember kissing Stanton on the head on Feb. 13 and thinking at that moment how God must be doing the same saying those exact words. God had a plan for Stanton’s life and I have to say that if anyone did a job to God’s expectations it was Stanton. He came here, touched more lives than I could ever begin to dream, and then He was called home. Part of me thinks how lucky he is to live in a place that is perfect, never having to worry about anything again.

We did get our storage building finished Saturday (13 weeks later). Once again I would not buy a doghouse from Steve Gross Mobile Homes. So, Jeff, Hayden, Dakota and Walker moved boxes Sunday afternoon. Thanks guys you all are always such a big help. While they were doing this I decided to work some in Stanton’s room. This lasted about 5 minutes and I was done. Still not sure how in the world I am going to do this but I know when the time is right I will.

As for Coltan and his all-star team, they lost Saturday evening but won yesterday so they are still in Gonzales with a game tonight. I do have to say that Hank did make things a little interesting last night. He passed out during the game and had to be taken to the hospital. I think he is okay, just a little too much excitement and heat mixed together. Please say an extra prayer that he will take care of himself to avoid this again tonight. I know he, Dana and Coltan are all tired seeing as they flew in from Disney to play ball..

Speaking of Haynes’ and ER’s, while I was talking to Dana about Hank she said that she had just heard Dakota was in the ER. After some investigation I found that he was in the ER. He had choked on a piece of steak and it was stuck in his throat. Right now the only details I have are from Hayden which should be accurate since he was there is that they had to scope him and removed 3 pieces of meat from his throat. He should have a sore throat but other than that I think he will be okay.

We have a speaker at church tonight who I have heard before and he is really good so I am sure I will share that with you tomorrow. Please just keep our family as well as all of our St. Jude friends still in the battle in your prayers. It even sounds like Jake may be headed back to our neck of the woods soon. I can’t wait to see them.

Wanting to finish well
Tina

Friday, July 28, 2006 10:21 AM CDT

Guess What???? I am an incredibly blessed person! I know I have spent all week complaining and not feeling good and none of that has changed, but I am choosing to feel better. I’ll tell you how it works on Monday.

I have to tell you that I have the best staff in the entire world. They have stuck by my side through the last few years and continue to stay right there in all of my many crazy days. This morning I got here and one of them came in to my office and told me she was worried about me and wanted to pray with me. My first thought was how in the world could she have known that I needed this so bad this morning? She prayed an INCREDIBLE prayer for me and I am a little energized by it. Beverly you are the best and you can pray for me anytime you feel like I need it. I promise you I need all I can get.

I can’t mention the staff without mention what an incredible job they do when I am down and out or out of the office. They pull together and do whatever it takes to get the job done. I sometimes wonder if they even need me.

We had planned on going to Gonzales and watching Cotan play ball but the way I felt yesterday afternoon we just decided that it was probably best that I not travel and sit in the heat for so long. My heart is still there with them and I know Coltan will do GREAT! Go Coltan and all of the other Dixie Youth all-stars.

I have no great words of wisdom today. I think Monday I will start sharing my new book “Six Hours One Friday” with you but for today I just encourage you as always to live each moment to the fullest. I loved talking to my sister this morning because her attitude was so laid back as far as the girls went. As long as they weren’t hurting themselves everything else was okay. That is what life is about with kids, let them be kids. Don’t sweat the small stuff. Love on them every chance that you get.

Have a Great Weekend
Tina

Thursday, July 27, 2006 9:38 AM CDT

UGHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!! I am not going to complain this morning because there are so many others sicker than me but I am really tired of feeling bad. I thought yesterday afternoon I was on an uphill swing but my ankles and knees will not quit hurting for anything.

Yesterday was my counseling session, yes I am still going and yes I still enjoy the sessions greatly. Paul really helps put things into perspective for me especially when I am to stubborn to put them into perspective myself. Like I told him, you would think I would have learned some great lessons on giving things to God over the past 3 years but my hard head gets in the way sometimes.

Special travel prayer requests for Debbie who is coming home from Florida, Hank, Dana, Coltan and Hollan who will be flying into Baton Rouge from Florida where Coltan will be playing in the State all-star tournament as well as all of the other parents that will be traveling to watch these boys.

I will close with an email that was again just to good not to share:

Years ago, a farmer owned land along the Atlantic seacoast.
He constantly advertised for hired hands. Most people were
reluctant to work on farms along the Atlantic. They dreaded the
awful storms that raged across the Atlantic, wreaking havoc on the buildings and crops.
As the farmer interviewed applicants for the job, he received
A steady stream of refusals.

Finally, a short, thin man, well past middle age, approached
the farmer. "Are you a good farm hand?" the farmer asked him.
"Well, I can sleep when the wind blows," answered the little man.

Although puzzled by this answer, the farmer, desperate for help,
Hired him. The little man worked well around the farm, busy from
dawn to dusk, and the farmer felt satisfied with the man's work.
Then one night the wind howled loudly in from offshore.
Jumping out of bed, the farmer grabbed a lantern and rushed
next door to the hired hand's sleeping quarters. He shook the
little man and yelled, "Get up! A storm is coming!
Tie things down before they blow away!"
The little man rolled over in bed and said firmly, "No
sir. I told you, I can sleep when the wind blows."

Enraged by the response, the farmer was tempted to fire him on
the spot. Instead, he hurried outside to prepare for the storm.
To his amazement, he discovered that all of the haystacks had
been covered with tarpaulins. The cows were in the barn, the chickens
were in the coops, and the doors were barred.
The shutters were tightly secured. Everything was tied down.

Nothing could blow away. The farmer then understood what his
hired hand meant, so he returned to his bed to also sleep while
the wind blew.

When you're prepared, spiritually, mentally, and physically,
you have nothing to fear. Can you sleep when the
wind blows through your life?
The hired hand in the story was able to sleep because he
had secured the farm against the storm.
We secure ourselves against the storms of life by
grounding ourselves in the Word of God.
We don't need to understand, we just need to hold
His hand to have peace in the middle of storms

Holding His Hand
Tina

Wednesday, July 26, 2006 9:54 AM CDT

Good Morning again all! I wish I could say that I was having a good morning or at least even felt good but that does not seem to be the case. I am not hurting I just feel yuck! I hope it is all of the medicine and that when I am finished with that I will feel more normal again.

I did meet with Dr. Phillips (Scott) yesterday for my follow-up and he was right on target with all of my treatment. I had a staph infection that decided to go haywire and settle into my joints. Once again I was blessed to have a doctor that cared enough to go the extra mile in finding what was wrong, not just treating something he hoped was right. I love to watch he and his wife with their patients. I promise you it is unlike anything you will see from any other doctor.

I am so ready to feel better. It is not good for me emotionally to be down physically. I feel like the last week I have been sitting on some perch watching some poor woman’s life. Then a blast of reality sets in and I realize that poor woman is me. I know that life has not been the kindest to me but nor has it been as hard as it could have been. I still have many blessings to count.

The house is coming along good. We should have sheet rock by this weekend I hope. A couple of unexpected setbacks but I have remained calm (mostly). Jeff is doing an incredible job of keeping up with what is going on and staying on top of things.

Hayden is still working at the pool. It is hard to believe that summer will soon be over and he will be a Junior. He is working extra hard in football trying to earn a spot on the starting line up. He is running 2 miles everyday and weight lifting as well. He can always put a smile on my face.

I was thinking about what I wanted to share with you all today as I was driving to work. A couple of songs really hit home hard but then I read the guestbook and Alice Larkin had it ready for me to share. I can’t wait to buy this book but this devotion hit the nail on the head today. It is not a coincidence that I have been studying the book Of Lamentations at home and have been since we went on vacation.

Bitter Beyond Words by Nancy Guthrie
“One Year Book of Hope”

He shot His arrows deep into my heart. The thought of my suffering and hopelessness is bitter beyond words. I will never forget this awful time, as I grieve over my loss. Yet I still dare to hope when I remember this: The unfailing love of the Lord never ends! By His mercies we have been kept from complete destruction. - Lamentations 3:13, 19-22

Sometimes I feel guilty about my grief. Not because I think there is something wrong or unspiritual about recognizing my loss and valuing my loss. I feel guilty because sometimes I think my grief is more about me than about the children I lost. I feel sad not just when I think about them and their difficult, limited lives, but when the mental snapshots remind me of the pain I felt, the fear I felt, the disappointment that swallowed me.

I remember when it first hit me. The depth of the cry bordering on a scream bubbled inside and then burst out of me. It scared me, and I know it scared my husband. I think that is when he first wondered if he’d ever get his wife back, or if she was gone forever, lost to sorrow.

I am well aware that so many have suffered in much more significant ways than I have, but there is no real comparison of pain. It all just hurts. And with the author of lamentations, I would say, “the thought of my suffering is bitter beyond words.” And I echo his w3ords: “I will never forget this awful time.”

But I would also echo the ray of light that peeks out of his next phrase: “Yet I still dare to hope.” The memory of hope is as vivid as the memory of pain. What could have made him dare to hope? What could possibly give you the courage and confidence to have hope in the midst of your bitter suffering? Remembering the love of God, rehearsing his past faithfulness to you, choosing to think about the sufficiency and eternity of God’s love. It may seem daring to make room in your mind for what you know is true about God, and honestly, it is difficult when it feels as if he has shot his arrows deep into your heart. But the truth of God’s love transforms our thoughts and our feelings when we choose to remember and choose to believe.

Lord, how the hurt lingers, making it hard to remember that your love is unfailing and eternal. Remind me of your love – my only source of hope for the future. Make the reality of your faithfulness more vivid than my pain.

I don’t think I could have said these words any better or meant them any more than this writer.

Remembering His Love
Tina

Tuesday, July 25, 2006 9:48 AM CDT

I have now made it 2 days in a row so I guess I am going to survive. I still don’t feel great but I think it more the medicine than anything else. I do go back to the doctor this afternoon.

I really can’t tell you all how much it means that you still check on me and pray for my needs on a daily basis. I know without those prayers I would not be able to accomplilsh anything.

I have really tried to stay positive over the l.ast week or so. I really don’t like to have so much down time especially laying in the room next to the one that Stanton was in when he was diagnosed. Very very hard!

I still long to hold him again with all of my heart.

I forgot to mention that Hayden was on the St. Jude Dream Home TV special and as usual did an incredible job. He can be such a neat kid. He really doesn’t deserve all of the tough breaks that he has been thrown.

I know I have shared this with you before but got it again and thought it worthy to share:

When things in your life seem almost too much to handle, when 24 hours in a day are not enough, remember the empty mayonnaise jar and the 2 cups of coffee.

A professor stood before his philosophy class and had some items in front of him. When the class began, he wordlessly picked up a very large and empty mayonnaise jar and proceeded to fill it with golf balls. He then asked the students if the jar was full. They agreed that it was.

The professor then picked up a box of pebbles and poured them into the jar. He shook the jar lightly. The pebbles rolled into the open areas between the golf balls. He then asked the students again if the jar was full. They agreed it was.

The professor next picked up a box of sand and poured it into the jar. Of course, the sand filled up everything else. He asked once more if the jar was full. The students responded with a unanimous "yes."

The professor then produced two cups of coffee from under the table and Poured the entire contents into the jar effectively filling the empty space between the sand. The students laughed.

"Now," said the professor as the laughter subsided, "I want you to Recognize that this jar represents your life. The golf balls are the important things---God, your family, your children, your health, your friends and your favorite passions---and if everything else was lost and only they remained your life would still be full.

The pebbles are the other things that matter like your job, your house And your car.

The sand is everything else---the small stuff. "If you put the sand Into the jar first," he continued, "there is no room for the pebbles or the golf balls. The same goes for life. If you spend all your time and energy on the small stuff you will never have room for the things that are important to you.

"Pay attention to the things that are critical to your happiness. Play With your children. Spend time with your parents. Visit with grandparents. Take time to get medical checkups. Take your spouse out to dinner. Play another 18. There will always be time to clean the house and fix the disposal. Take care of the golf balls first---the things that really matter. Set your priorities.

The rest is just sand."

One of the students raised her hand and inquired what the coffee represented. The professor smiled. "I'm glad you asked! It just goes to show you that no matter how full your life may seem, there's always room for a couple of cups of coffee with a friend."

In Him
Tina

Monday, July 24, 2006 11:19 AM CDT

Guess Who? You got it, I’m back!!!! I wish I could say I was back to my old self but just not quite there yet. I am feeling pretty yuck today. I hope it is just from being in the bed for three days in addition to all of the medicine that I am on. I also wish I could tell you exactly what is wrong with me but that seems to be a problem as well. It doesn’t appear to be Lyme’s disease. The most probable diagnosis is a bad Staph infection that settled into my joints, all of them. Lately the worst pain has been in my shoulders but as I am moving around more, my knees are hurting pretty good too.

I have to say a HUGE thank you to Scott and Elizabeth Phillips, both doctors who have taken such good care of me and my family. I know Scott had no idea what he was getting into when he took me on as a patient. He has learned that I don’t do anything the easy way. I am just so thankful that he is understanding and concerned.

Please continue to pray that whatever is causing this pain will go away for good. I really am to a point that I just want to feel good!

Thanks for hanging in there with me!

Only By His Grace
Tina

Saturday, July 22, 2006 1:25 PM CDT

Hello Sweet Friends! This is ole Trish updating for my sista Tina who, as we speak, is STILL in the hospital. She was admitted on Thursday morning in considerable pain primarily in her shoulders and hands. They have ruled out lime disease and think it is inflamation caused by staff infection. They have had her on IV antibiotics which are pretty strong to tackle the staff. She was in hopes of getting out today but is still having trouble (and she didn't fool her doctor that she wasn't in pain ... though she tried) so he wants to keep her another day. The steriods are also causing havic with her diabetes so they're having to be pretty on top of things.

If you get a chance to give her a call, I know she would love to hear from you. She's in the same hospital, in fact the room next door to the one Stanton was diagnosed in. So please lift her up in prayer as this is emotionally wearing on her and also as the doctors get these issues resolved with her so she can feel better.

Thank you for your faithful prayers! I didn't take notes when Tina was giving me the highlights so if I missed something ... just pray to cover it all, God knows all about it.

Love you all!
Only By His Grace - Trish aka Angel Emma Grace's Momma

Wednesday, July 19, 2006 9:36 AM CDT

Good morning all! I wish I could say I was coming to you pain free but that would be a lie. Some of my joints are still aching very bad while some seem to be a little better. The staph infection on my face is a lot better. Right now I will take small steps.

Yesterday at work was busy as it will be over the next few weeks as I have employees take vacations. I have a wonderful staff who are able to fill in for each other so it does help me out a bunch.

Hayden is continuing to work at the pool and lifting weights for football in the afternoons. He is one busy little bee. He is getting so tall but not very big around. I sure wish I had that problem. I am finally seeing some of the teenager in him come out and there are times when it really makes me feel good. There are times when I could ring his neck but overall the good outweigh the bad.

The new house is coming along. I do believe it is beginning to get to “Mr. Laidback” a little though. He has been the one that is there most of the time I just come in when they have a question. Grady has done an incredible job.

I will say if you live in the area I highly recommend not using Steve Gross Homes for anything. We bought a storage building from them and it has been a nightmare and the people all the way up to Mr. Gross are VERY rude. Our salesman chewed me out yesterday at the top of his lungs. Needless to say we are through with them.

I want to end with a poem that someone sent me. It had a lot of other stuff at the bottom but I liked the poem and wanted to share it with you. It states what I say over and over again about slowing life down and enjoying the small things.

Slow Dance

Have you ever watched kids
On a Merry-Go-Round?

Or listened to the rain
Slapping on the ground?

Ever followed a butterflies erratic flight?

Or gazed at the sun into the fading night?

You better slow down

Don’t dance to fast

Time is short

The music won’t last

Do you run through each day
On the fly?

When you ask How are you?
Do you hear the reply?

When the day is done
Do you lie in bed
With the next 100 chores
Going through your head

You better slow down

Don’t dance so fast

Time is Short

The music won’t last

Ever told your child
We will do it tomorrow?

And in your haste
Fail to see his sorrow?

Ever lost touch
Let a good friendship die
Because you never had time
To call and say “Hi”

You better slow down

Don’t dance so fast

Time is short

The music won’t last

When you run so fast to get somewhere
You miss half of the fun of getting there

When you worry and hurry through your day,
It’s like an unopened gift that is thrown away.

Life is not a race.

Do take it slower

Hear the music

Before the song is over.

Remembering to slow down
Tina

Tuesday, July 18, 2006 10:38 AM CDT

Good morning all! I am sorry but this is going to be a short update because of some pain I am having. I didn’t say anything yesterday because I really didn’t know much. I guess I still don’t know much except that my joints hurt terribly, especially my shoulders. The diagnosis is either a bad staph infection (I have a couple of spots they know are staph) and possibly lyme’s disease. I got a shot of antibiotic and steroid yesterday with not much help. I feel like I will get the same again today. Please just pray that this pain will get better. It seems that if there is not one thing going on with me then there are 10 others. It is getting very frustrating.

Hopefully I will have more to report tomorrow.

In Him
Tina

Monday, July 17, 2006 11:47 AM CDT

Well, I guess all of you are anxious to hear about our vacation? Let’s see, where to begin? Was it all I had hoped it would be? Not exactly. Did we have a good time? Most of the time. I don’t want it to sound like our vacation was not a good one, it was just different for many reasons. First of all this was the first “vacation” I had taken without Jeff. It worked out good that he was home because there was plenty to be done on the new house. I actually began to get scared to talk to him for fear of what else had gone wrong. Second this was the first “family beach vacation” without Stanton. We have been going to Gulf Shores for about 8 years now. If you can remember last year that was the plan and we were rerouted by a hurricane. We ended up in South Padre. We had a great time, but it was different and I had Trish with me. This week was more our “norm” which again was hard. Third it was hard to watch my daddy not be able to do everything that he once enjoyed doing because of his health issues. Overall, there were just a lot of factors that played into making it a fun but hard vacation.

The water was a gourgeous color although full of seaweed. The waves were not so rough that we couldn’t get out and float in the ocean either which is one thing I love to do. Hayden took a friend, Josh and I guess they had a good time. They slept a lot as most teenagers do. They spent the majority of their time on the beach in the evening.

We played putt putt a couple of times. I actually just watched so I could take pictures. I think we determined Scotty was the putt putt king, although I think Mary Claire may have been winning at one point until she had a meltdown and had to stop playing. I want to stop now and just ask everyone to say a special prayer for her. There is obviously still so much going on in her little mind. She was not herself most of the trip which broke my heart. I could watch her and sympathize with every meltdown and every tear. No child should ever have to go through all that she has.

As for Elynn Kate, she was “Megan” the whole trip and 6 years old. She takes this so seriously that she won’t answer to anything else. She had fun, but did not like water in her face so she spent the time at the beach playing in the sand. By Thursday she had gotten the hang of floating in the pool without holding on to someone for dear life. I guess better late than never. I got to spend some incredible quality time with her one evening. This doesn’t happen very often because she is usually too busy to slow down but she went down with me to sit by the pool and read. We got down there and she started singing at the tops of her lungs. Finally she stopped and looked at the moon. It was beautiful and pink. She crawled up in my lap and looked for stars and found one. By then the moon was orange. In her simple mind she said “I bet Stancie is having fun helping God paint that moon”. When she saw the star she said “Stancie’s star. If he doesn’t hang on good he will fall down right here with me.” Oh how I wished that were true. We talked a good bit about Stanton. It amazes me how much she remembers. She then saw my Bible and wanted to read a story out of it. So we started from the beginning reading about God creating the earth. In the middle of the story this little boy asked where we were from. Very politely she said “We are reading our Bible right now!” I guess you can say she did her part of witnessing on the beach. Between this evening and the afternoon she crawled up next to me on the couch to take a nap I got to spend some precious time with her.

We did the go-kart thing but while they were all outside I was inside, I had found a NASCAR simulator game. Yes, I am still addicted to NASCAR and Michael Waltrip. After my gaming experience there is a concensus that I should never plan on driving a real race car. I started 30th and in 3 games never finished better than that. I will say it was a dollar well spent. As for the go-kart adventures I can’t tell who won. I know Hayden did one time because Josh got black flagged and I know Hayden didn’t one time because Josh spun him out. I guess they had fun.

I couldn’t travel that far and not go to the big Outlet mall one day. I found a few bargains but the biggest was a rug for Stanton’s room in the new house. It was perfect and they shipped it to me free. It is going to look so good. I am beginning to get a little anxious about the house. It is finally starting to look like a real house.

We also went to “Lamberts” where they throw your rolls at you. Josh told them that it was my 41st birthday (I am really 33 and it was not my birthday). There are many days when I feel 41.

All in all the week was good. We were glad to get back home and try to get back into the swing of things.

Sorry if the update seemed boring but while I am at the beach that is all I do is lay on the beach, by the pool and eat. I did read 2 very good Karen Kingsbury novels, started a new Max Lucado book which has already been very good and learned how to play Sudoko (??).

Hope you all have a great week!

Living for Him
Tina

Wednesday, July 12, 2006 7:44 AM CDT

Well there is alot of folks wanting me to update so here it goes.Tina and Hayden are having a O.K. time they can't have a great time cause I'm not there so just O.K. she said the water is pretty but there is a little to much seaweed.As for me I have been watching Colton play baseball the past couple of days they won the bi-district tourn.and will be starting district this weekend.The house is coming along we had a little set back this week our shingles were almost through and then they saw there was some mis colored shingles in the batch so now they are ripping all them off and starting over you know our luck if we didn't have bad luck we would not have any.Well that is about all that is going on around here please keep our friends at the Jude in your prayers my little buddy Jake could use some extra prayers this week and his parents as they have some procedures coming up soon I know this is kind of short but if Trish can do a short one so can I.Thanks for checking in til next time Jeff and just so you know I GOT-ER-DONE!

Friday, July 7, 2006 10:16 AM CDT

This will be my last update until after vacation unless you all get on there and beg Jeff to update and he will. His excuse while I was in Washington was that no one asked him to update.

Yesterday was hard! Lots of reasons but I need to share them with you because I need some support and yours is always the best. I am kind of frustrated with a statement and I wish I could really portray my frustration because it’s bad. The comment is usually “Well Stanton’s been gone a year and a half”. At some point you have to move on. First of all Stanton has ONLY been gone for a year and 5 months and I am moving on just some days and situations are harder than others. Let’s just say yesterday was one of those days. I still miss Stanton more than I can ever begin to tell you and I am trying so hard to not use that as a crutch. As you know there are many things going on in my life and none of them are easy without him. Going on vacation will be relaxing but there will be that missing piece. Moving into a new house will be great but there is that missing piece. I think you get the picture.

Even without the obvious hard time there are the not so obvious hard times and one of those is just trying to be a good mom to a teenager. I know to some I am not doing such a great job and they could certainly do it better but it is funny how they have the “perfect” life with 2 children who have the “perfect” mother. Or, maybe they have raised there kids and they’ve turned out okay so I should do it like them. The thing is Hayden was my first child, my baby. He has and always will hold that special place in my heart. I have done my best over the course of his life to avoid pain in his life. Obviously over the last 3 years that was and continues to be an impossible task. Even the simplest of things can be difficult. I just want what is best for Hayden. I want him to get a chance to be a teenager. I still want to protect him though and sometimes those 2 things don’t match. He is a great kid and I am more than blessed to have him I just wish we still had Stanton, things might would be a little easier.

We signed some preliminary paperwork on selling our house yesterday and I really had no idea how hard that was going to hit me. I know it is an obstacle that I will overcome but it is an obstacle. As for the new house they are putting shingles on today!!!!

After we signed our hose papers I went by to pick up the stuff I had left for Schelly to monogram (By the way her company is called Butterflies and Ladybugs and she has some really neat things and the reason she does it is even neater. The money she makes goes back into the fun things her kids want to do, piano, dance, etc. If you need cute gift ideas I encourage you to call her). Just like last time I had such a nice time visiting with her. She is an amazing woman who obviously loves God and her family, did I mention she has 5 kids! I just love to stand there and watch the kids and how they interact. Schelly, your timing was perfect. I needed an out and someone to visit with. Thank you so much for all you did for me.

And yes, for those of you who read Jakes’s website Stanton did name a nurse “Crazy” and it has stuck. The name came one day while he was standing on his bed dancing and she was in the nursing station dancing with him but they had the speakers on so they could talk back and forth. He said “that nurse is crazy”. We liked it so much we kept it. She was and is one of those amazing people we met in Memphis and fell in love with. She was always there with a shoulder to cry on or something to make Stanton laugh. I think she may have been in on some of the “no he’s my patient today” wars. Loving you from Minden Crazy!!!!!!

I think I have whined enough today. Please don’t forget to remind Jeff to update while I am gone. I will be talking to him regularly so he can do it!

I want to end with this email:

1.God wants spiritual fruit, not religious nuts.

2. Dear God, I have a problem, it's Me.

3. Growing old is inevitable ... growing UP is
optional.

4. There is no key to happiness. The door is always
open.

5. Silence is often misinterpreted but never
misquoted.

6. Do the math .. count your blessings.

7. Faith is the ability to not panic.

8. Laugh every day, it's like inner jogging.

9. If you worry, you didn't pray . If you pray,
don't worry.

10. As a child of God, prayer is kind of like calling
home everyday.

11. Blessed are the flexible for they shall not be
bent out of shape.

12. The most important things in your house are the people.

13 When we get tangled up in our problems, be still.
God wants us to be still so He can untangle the knot.

14. A grudge is a heavy thing to carry.

15 He who dies with the most toys is still dead.

Have a great day!!! The SON is shining and he
can certainly use you!

Praying for a better day
Tina

Thursday, July 6, 2006 11:05 AM CDT

This is going to be a short update today. I have a lot going on trying to get ready to go to the beach between work, packing and the new house. My instructions for today were to get the fiberoptic star ceiling ordered.

It felt good to get back to counseling yesterday. I had not been in 2 weeks and it was much needed therapy. I actually kind of got tag teamed by the doctor and the counselor but it was a good thing and they told me things I needed to hear.

I am very much looking forward to Gulf Shores. Jeff is having to work so I will hopefully have a good bit of quiet time as well as some quality time with my nieces. I just hope my sister can behave. From what I understand there is going to be a whole lot of people from Minden down there next week. I am still watching out for any potential hurricanes.

Please just continue your prayers for all of our St. Jude friends in the battle, especially Little Jake who is fighting with everything that he has. Also for those who are learning to live without their babies. I promise you it is not an easy feat.

In Him
Tina

Wednesday, July 5, 2006 9:58 AM CDT

Sorry for the lack of update yesterday but right now we are computerless at home. Mine (Stanton’s) has bitten the dust and we just can’t get Hayden’s on the internet. I am trying to find the cheapest way to fix Stanton’s. It is one of those things that I just can’t seem to part with right now.

As for my 4th, I want to share some memories of the 4th of July with you. When I was a little girl usually Jamie, Shannon (my cousin) and I would spend the night with mamaw and papaw the night before. The next morning papaw would get up way before the chicken to get the fire started in the pit so it would be just right when it came time to cook. Every year my daddy would also get up very early and come help him. I never could wait until dinner so I would always get a piece of sausage wrapped in bread early. During the earlier years so many people came but as everyone grew up and moved on the people got fewer but the food didn’t. I think next to Easter this was my Papaw’s favorite holiday. One year my daddy even showed up in some crazy “jam” shorts for any of you who remember those. We laughed because they were totally not my daddy but he wore then out of tradition for several years. Maybe I can find some for next year. From the time Hayden was old enough he would get up early and go help as well. This year my mom and dad did their very best to recreate these times at mamaw and papaws for us. Daddy worked and built him a barbecue pit, got up very early to get the fire started. Hayden was the one to get up a little early to go help him. My aunt brought papaw over, we had friends over, Mr. Roger and Mrs. Becky and their grandson Cameron, My favorite in-laws Debbie and O.H., Dakota and Brooke. So we had a nice little party. The food was fabulous!!!!!!! And of course we did not forget Stanton he got his flag balloons and one heart sent from Mary Claire. Once again there are days when my life seems so surreal.

That afternoon Jamie (the boss) and I went looking for lights for the new house. This is the only thing that has be road blocked at this point so I took Hitler to keep me on track. I love picking on her but she is such a BIG help and I really don’t know what I would do without her. We picked out lights and fans but they wouldn’t all fit so I get to go back at least once more this week. At least they are picked out. Overall we have the same taste it just takes her saying pick one. She complained a little but she had several errands to run to so the trip was beneficial for both.

Now I am back at work trying to accomplish as much as possible so I can relax at the beach next week!

I am not going to start my new book until I get back from vacation. I don’t want to lose my place and get everyone confused.

Thank you all for your continued prayers and support. I still love hearing from you in the guestbook!

In His Arms
Tina

By the way has anyone heard of this Nintendo game that checks your brain age and supposedly helps keep you sharper. It is something I would be very interested in. I don't know if I want to know my brain age but I would love to make what brain I have sharper.

Monday, July 3, 2006 10:05 AM CDT

I have so much on my heart this morning I don’t even know where to start. I guess starting with the radiothon would make the most sense. Thursday evening when I left things were going okay. Friday morning when I got there things were going pretty good but then Hayden got on the radio and things seemed to improve a little bit. I am always in the room when he speaks but this time he wanted to do it on his own so I went to answer phones. As I listened to him and the tears welped up in my eyes I realized more than ever the love Hayden has for his little brother and the passion that he has for St. Jude. You all know that I will do anything that they ask me but I always wondered if he did it because I ask him and he felt obligated. There is no doubt that after Friday he does it out of pure unconditional love for Stanton and a passion for St. Jude that can’t be described. Of course, I spent most of Friday crying. One because of all of the memories that the songs brought back and most importantly the reality that I was one of these sad stories. Sometimes I guess I tend to forget reality. Each time I answered the phone and took a pledge I was overwhelmed with emotion at the outpouring of support from communities across Louisiana, Arkansas, and Texas. And in the end, to reach what seemed like an unreachable goal was amazing. Thanks to all of you who bought tickets, to all of the ESA workers who manned the phones, to Whittney for giving up an entire afternoon to answer phones, and the whole KRMD crew who made it all possible. You guys ROCK!

If you can imagine I was wiped out so overall the weekend was a little lazy. I did pack a little more, managed to start looking at stains. I will admit my blond moment. When I went to take the wood to the store there were 2 pieces Jeff had laid out for me. I grabbed the first one and left. After I got to the store I realized why he had left me 2 pieces of wood, because they were 2 different woods. I sure am glad I never claimed to be a genius.

Sunday morning David Feaster taught our SS class and being a coach and a teacher in the real world he wanted to test our knowledge before he began the lesson. I will say that we did not do very good but it was early (that’s my story and I am sticking to it). There are many days when I can’t remember my own name much less the name of Jacob’s wife. We gave him a hard time but in the end the lesson had a very good punch line and I was thankful for all of the questions at the beginning because I am afraid I would have been in tears if the lesson had gone much further. The lesson being “Being a Christian does not exempt you from bad things happening to you”. Boy, do I know a little about that statement. David did say something that I thought about off and on yesterday and it makes so much sense. It seems the times that I am closest to God are when I am in my deepest darkest moments. I started to wonder why this was and thought of a couple of promises that God has made to us. First, he will never give us more than we can handle. He has sure tested this promise on me the last 4 years but guess what? No matter how hard and how low I felt, God has leaned down, picked me up, brushed me off and given me a new perspective. The other promise is that no matter what battle you are facing God promises to give you the tools that you need to win the battle. So, it makes sense that in our darkest moments we would feel closer to Him because chances are He is closer to us. He is there keeping His promises. He knows our limits. He knows when I am teetering on the edge just when to step in and grab my hand to keep me from falling over the edge. He knows the tools that I need to get back on my feet and keep going. I can’t tell you how awesome it is to know that there is someone who loves me that much!

Thanks David for a great lesson yesterday even though I didn’t feel so smart when I left (just picking).

As always please keep praying for all of our St. Jude warriors still in the fight. As tomorrow approaches I also ask for special prayers for those who are serving our country so that we can have the freedoms that we currently have.

In church yesterday they recognized everyone who had served in any branch of the service and this is one of my proudest moments of my daddy when I get to watch him stand up. It just makes me remember and think even more of him than ever, if that is possible.

Happy 4th of July to all of you!

Serving and AWESOME God
Tina

Friday, June 30, 2006 11:07 AM CDT

If you are in the area and you are not listening to the KRMD radiothon you are missing out on a HUGE blessing. I spent yesterday evening answering the phones and Hayden and I spoke this morning. He as usual did much better than I did. He upped the number they wanted in an hour from 30 to 50 and got 54! Go Hayden! I don’t think I have to remind you how amazing I think he is. We are having our teenage mom differences but he is incredible. What he will do for his little brother is never-ending. Today has been another very emotional day. He handled it like a champ, I have cried like a baby. After he got off of the air the support from everyone was incredible but as usual our family really pulled through. I know we are some of the most blessed people in the world!

Another special member of our family will be coming over later to answer the telephones. Whittney is so neat and will do anything that I ask her to for Stanton. I promise you when she walks across the stage at a pageant and says her platform is “St. Jude’s” she means it and she shows it all year long.

As for the weekend, no big plans. I am sure we will be cleaning up at both houses. I have got to continue to pack and get ready for a garage sell.

I told you I wanted to start sharing a book with you but my devotional last night was about the Samaritan woman at the well and it just really sent so much through my mind that I want to share that with you. If you are not familiar with the story the woman had been married 5 times and now had a male friend. She was scowled out when she went out so she went to the well at noon to get water hoping to avoid everyone. To her surprise when she got there there was a man sitting there (Jesus). He asked her questions, including questions about her past and present. He offered a drink of water that would make her never thirst again. When He asked the questions she told Him the truth and to her amazement He already knew and did not judge her. He told her “I am the Messiah”.

The point to the devotional was that God can do for us what we cannot do for ourselves. He doesn’t’ care about our past He wants our future. He wants us to believe in Him enough that we give everything to Him. As the woman ran from the well, the one thing she left behind was her water jug, the one thing that kept her shoulders shrugged, her burden. When she ran she left her burdens behind. That is really what God wants from us. Run toward Him leaving out burdens behind us. His arms will be open wide waiting for you.

I love you all, your support is amazing. If you want to call in to donate to the Dream Home the number is 1-800-724-2423.

Blessed to have God catching my tears
Tina

Thursday, June 29, 2006 10:03 AM CDT

Now that you have heard the stories of the D.C. trip it’s back to boring old me. I am not sure how long I will be able to type because KRMD is having their St. Jude radiothon and it is hard to listen to the stories but even harder not to be right in the middle of it. I will be tomorrow. They are selling tickets for our St. Jude Dream Home the phone number is 1-800-724-2423 for anyone who is interested. You all know that although St. Jude could not save Stanton that they are still a HUGE passion of mind and helping them anyway that I can. You don’t have to buy a ticket you can just donate, just let them know it’s for Stanton.

I got so caught up in telling you about D.C. that I can’t forget the weekend. First of walking into the news of Joyce’s passing was a hard blow. It took a good while to gain any sort of composure. I didn’t even get to say good-bye.

Saturday I had planned to take Hollan and Coltan shopping. Hollan was going to Build A Bear. This is something I have so much fun doing with my nieces and nephews. She got a rabbit named Flopsy. We drug that rabbit everywhere we went. I think she had fun. I know I enjoyed the special time with her Coltan and Dana.

I do have a request from anyone in the Minden area. If you have driven by the angel garden you saw the two beautiful butterflies that we had by Stanton’s gravesite. Someone decided that they needed the blue butterfly worse that Stanton because they took it. I was devastated mostly because blue was his favorite color and I just can’t imagine anyone taking it. If you know anything about this please let me know.

The house is coming along great. The electrician has started his work. I have been attempting to pick out lights but it is very frustrating. They all begin to look the same. I have met with the cabinet man which was fun. It is really starting to seem real.

Returning to work this week has been extremely busy as you can imagine after coming back from last week. It always does me good to be busy but it is very frustrating when my brain can’t seem to work fast enough.

I have started a new book and hope to start sharing it with you tomorrow.

Not Even Wanting to Be put Down
Tina

Wednesday, June 28, 2006 1:27 PM CDT

Okay, so now where did I leave off? I must mention that it feels good to know so many of you are still reading. I got lots of comments about stopping in the middle of the story. I left off with us at Rep. Baker’s office. One detail I failed to mention is that before we entered Rep. Baker’s office there was a Curesearch Staff member waiting to tell us that our 12:00 had been moved. All Hayden could think of was great I will finally get to eat. Mom wouldn’t admit it but I think she was thinking the same thing. My stomach stays in knots so I very seldom get hungry and I will forget to eat. So, after the meeting with Aimee, Rep. Baker’s assistant we headed off to find the cafeteria. Being it was shortly after 12 there was elbow to elbow people. We managed to find ourselves around, Mom and Hayden both ended up getting to eat, so far so good. In the mean time I had called Rep. McCrery’s office to let them know where we would be so that his staff could pick us up. I am sure the assistant got a kick out of trying to give me directions but all in all it worked out well and let’s just say we found each other. From there we went on a quick trip through the Capitol. I know mom and Hayden were hoping to see more (what we did see was gorgeous) but what I was thinking was “hey, this is saving me some outside steps. You see, to get from the house buildings to the Senate buildings you have to walk a few blocks outside and with our great tour guide, Brent, we not only got to see a little of the Capitol but we got to ride the tram that only the legislators get to ride from building to building. Needless to say that was very cool. Of course there were men in business suits everywhere so we were always on our toes to see if we knew any of them.

Out tram ride took us to the Senate Building where we were scheduled to meet with Senator Vitter’s health legislative assistant. I was a little disappointed because I really wanted to thank Senator Vitter in person for signing up for the Bill. I can’t say that I didn’t try because when they asked me who I was meeting with I asked who my options were. They kind of just laughed. In the end it worked out because I gave the legal jargon to his assistant who happens to be new and very eager to get involved in something. I told him I had the perfect thing for him. Then we got a chance to have a quick face to face with Senator Vitter and have pictures made. He too was impressed with all of the letters.

From his office we headed to Senator Landrieu’s office. Her office is always easy because she has been a supporter since the start. While we were in the office waiting her and her daughter came through so we got a real impromptu meeting with her to say thank you. She stressed her love for children and her commitment to anything she can to help me in my efforts. Her daughter was adorable and not shy a bit. I got to meet with her assistant as well just to make sure all the legal questions were answered. We didn’t get lucky enough to take the tram back to the House side so off we went on “pit and pat” as Hayden called his feet. This gave us the opportunity to see a few more sites. The funny thing is that when we came out of the Senate building none of were exactly sure where we were and which direction to head. We asked someone who we thought would be knowledgable and who actually offered to walk with us. He kind of ditched us when he realized he was headed in the wrong direction.

When we got back to the House side we met with Rep. Boustany’s assistant who was very nice. It was not who we were scheduled to meet with so I will have to be sure and follow-up with that office.

We then had another member meeting with Rep. Alexander. His assistant in January was so nice and attentive I couldn’t wait to meet him. He is from the Monroe area so I have some close ties to his district. He was an amazing man who started off our meeting by showing us pictures of his grandchildren. It was evident where his priorites and his heart were. I shared our story and our wants and needs. He seemed very supportive. He worked really hard to get Hayden to talk which was good.

I had to Representatives who I did not have scheduled meetings with, Rep. Jefferson and Rep. Jindall. I decided I would take them packets of information and thank you letters anyway. Our last stop was Jindall’s office and when I opened the door there were wall to wall interns. In hopes of having a little fun I asked for someone in charge. A young intern stood up and said “me”. I proceeded to be very serious and give him the whole spill. I then asked for his business card and he gave me Bobby Jindall’s. I told him I didn’t think I recognized him as Rep. Jindall so could I get one of his cards. He then gave me the healthcare assistant’s card which again since she is a woman I questioned him. By this time the entire office is laughing, more interns have come out of the wood works and Jindall’s Chief of Staff comes up. I questioned him thourougly on if he was who he said he was. We had lots of fun but more important than that is that I think I got the support of an office I didn’t even have a meeting with. It certainly ended that day with a laugh.

From here we had to find our way to the Library of Congress for a reception. By this time mom and Hayden were pretty good with getting me where we needed to be. The reception was a nice way to get to say good-bye to those team leader we won’t see again until January. We had invited all of our legislative offices and some states had a few people show up. After the reception they bused us all back to the hotel. Well, we had learned on the cab ride that there was 2 Holiday Inn Capitol Hill’s but you would think our bus driver would have known where we were going. Wrong! I don’t know why we expected anything different. As we were riding around in circles we looked up and there was a sign with an arrow that said “Stanton park” Mom and I both had to laugh but we couldn’t get our cameras out fast enough.

Back at the hotel, Hayden was still wanting to go but I was exhausted so he and mom left on another adventure. I really needed the alone time though. Just some time to reflect on the day and why I was there and if I really thought I had served my purpose. The range of emotions was the same as the last time I was in Washington except a little worse because I didn’t have Trish. You start with so much adrenaline that when it is over there is this huge void. You are left with the memories of why you are where you are. You begin to question if you said the right things and first and foremost did you tell Stanton’s story in such a way that it made an impact on someone’s life and glorified God in the process. I tried not to stay down to long so I have already started thinking about my leave behinds in January and once again I am going to need your help. If you are from Louisiana and have a childhood cancer survivor, a child still in treatment or an angel child I would love to get pictures from as many of you as possible. I am going to make a collage entitled “Louisiana Faces of Childhood Cancer” and leave it with each legislator in January. I am trying to do better and get started a little early. If you could mail them that is the easiest way to get a good picture. On the back just put your childs name and where you are from. I would also like to know if they are an angel or not. For anyone who participates I will make sure they get a copy of the mural if they want one.

Okay back to the story, our flight left at 7:40 the next morning so no rest for the weary. We were up bright and early ready to go to the airport. We actually had a great cab driver who was so nice. We were at the airport way earlier than needed, the weather was pretty everywhere we were flying, seems like it should be an uneventful trip home. If we had any doubts that Stanton was with us on this trip it is right about now we realize he is for sure. The man outside said “Anyone flying to Detroit to a connecting flight needs to check in inside.” This could mean nothing good. As we wait in a very long line we get to the front to find out our flight out of D.C. was delayed and we would miss out connection in Detroit so they were going to reroute us. We ended up connecting in Memphis instead. So, what do you all think? The problem with this is that our flight leaves in less than 30 minutes and we haven’t even gone through security. Luckily the airport is not big and we got there just as they were boarding. Sad to say the rest of the flight home was uneventful.

It felt good to be back home but there is still this feeling that comes after being on such a high doing something that you love!!! I do wonder if mom will ever go back. It was so great to have her and Hayden there to share this trip with. Have I mentioned yet that the resolution passed in the House 393 yes to 0 no’s! AWESOME!

I hope you weren’t too disappointed in the rest of the story. By the way, Hayden learned to buy his own pretzels to eat on the plane.

Still Being Carried
Tina

Tuesday, June 27, 2006 10:19 AM CDT

Okay, so I left off where we flew out of Detroit at 6:00 a.m., yes I know this is very early for be but I was determined to get to Washington. Once we arrived in Washington we all got cleaned up, redressed and headed in separate directions. Mom and Hayden headed out walking and site seeing I headed to meetings. It was so great to see so many people that we had met back in January. I must tell you Texas showed us all up and brought at least 4 tables full of people. GO TEXAS!!!! Mom and Hayden came back for lunch and part of the afternoon meeting before heading back out on foot. I don’t know how far they walked but by the looks of both of them it was a LONG way! I think they saw a good bit though.

I can’t believe I forgot to tell you about the beautiful flat rainbow we saw at the Detroit airport. And I can’t forget the luggage and taxi extravaganza. When we got to D.C. and headed to pick up our luggage there was a room with luggage everywhere. They said find it if you can. When we couldn’t they did verify that it was there and that it had been checked in. We did finally round up all of the luggage and yes, mom’s was last. We got us another nonspeaking English taxi driver who got VERY frustrated with us when we could not understand his language. Luckily we figured it out and got where we were going. At this point we were 0 for 2 with taxi’s therefore mom was scared to try them with any of their excursions.

By the time we got back to the room I was pumped and ready to go, the adrenaline was pumping. I knew that Wed. I was on a mission and I would succeed. Luckily my 2 Senators were already signed onto the bill and I just had to convince my Representatives to add their names to the House bill.

Wed. we got up bright and early and headed for breakfast before heading to the Hill. I don’t know that mom and Hayden felt all of my excitement but I know they were ready for an adventure and of course I would not let them down. One difference this visit was that I would be meeting with the actual Representatives and Senators and not their aides which was cool. They bused us over from the hotel and I was Miss D.C., I knew exactly where I was going, how to read the directory, etc. We headed to Representative Melancon’s office where we met with him and his aide. I think the biggest thing I brought to the table for all of the legislators was the “Thank you”, not just from me but with all of your help from so many people. All of them were most impressed with the booklet of thank you letters.

Next was on to Rep. McCrery’s office. This was my first time to go to his office. I had spoken to him by phone. He was so nice and so welcoming. I can’t tell you what it feels like to go into these offices and these people act like they care and it doesn’t appear or even feel like they are acting. He was very concerned that Hayden see ALL of the sites especially the Capitol building. We showed him our schedule and he arranged for one of his staff members to do a running tour of the capital on the way to the Senate building. I can’t wait to go back when I have a chance to see more but it absolutely beautiful. Thank you Rep. McCrery for making this tour possible. After his office it was on to Rep. Baker’s office. He was actually on the floor speaking so we got to watch him on TV while we waited for his assistant. I had met with her in January so it was great to see her again. At this point everyone seemed very positive about signing onto the bill. That is one thing I have been impressed with is our legislators and how they care so deeply about these children with cancer. You could see it in their eyes. I know they are politicians but there are just some things that you can’t fake. It was now time for lunch and I am going to make you wait because the rest of the story gets really good.

I am sorry if I am boring you with all of the details but I want you to know what an incredible journey this is for me and what a God answered prayer as well.

Needing Him Now as Much as Ever
Tina

Monday, June 26, 2006 2:37 PM CDT

Sometimes life is really not fun and it sure is not fair. I did make it through Joyce’s funeral which for me was a HUGE step. I am now just dealing with the reality that a very dear friend to me is gone. One of her daughters told me that her mother always wanted what was best for me. Funny, that is how I felt about Joyce, I only wanted what was best for her. I will miss her for the rest of my life.

I guess I will begin telling about my D.C. trip. I journaled each day so not to forget to tell you anything. The trip started off pretty uneventful. We got to Shreveport didn’t have to wait long on our flight and off we went. Our connection was in Detroit which was an airport that we were familiar with so there was no big deal there. Hayden did have a couple of issues. First they served him not pretzels on the plane. Second he realized that there would be no one waiting at the airport with a sign with his name on it (yes he has been spoiled by Mrs. Marcy and Domino’s). The weather was terrible in Detroit so our flight was delayed, still not a big deal. An hour later we were able to board our flight. We got situated and ready to take off and they told us that Reagan International had a hold on all flights because of weather so we would have to wait and could not get off of the plane because of security reasons. We did this for an hour before they came on and said 1) the flight has been canceled 2) the next 3 flights to D.C. are full 3) we will get you on the earliest flight and give you a hotel voucher 4) your luggage will go on to D.C. and the best yet, 5) we have one person to rebook all 250 of you! By now it was about 7:15 Eastern time, I am tired and frustrated. I must say though I did not lose it. Mom was so proud. After several phone calls and a 2 hour wait in line we were booked on the 1:20 to D.C. on Tuesday. We left, got something to eat and headed down to find the shuttle to the hotel. When we got down there, there was no shuttle and a ton of people waiting. I decided that I would just take a cab (keep in mind mom and Hayden are just along for the ride and being so calm and it is taking every thing I have not to lose it). When the cab driver got out he was most upset I would not take the free shuttle. He tried to the point I yelled “So are you going to take me to my hotel or not?” Mom is beginning to get a little nervous at this point. The lady that dispatches the cabs came out and told him he WAS taking us now. We were all a little unsure about getting in but we made it to the hotel safe and sound. I did have a carry on that I had stashed a pair of pajamas in, mom had stopped and gotten a t-shirt and Hayden had what he had. He said there was a line to pick up toothbrushes and toothpaste at the hotel counter. I must say the Washington Holiday Inn Capitol Hill was very nice in not making me pay for my room even though I did not cancel it in time and were very generous the next morning to let us in early so we could all get dressed.

The next morning we got up and were at the airport to fly stand by on the 6:00 a.m. flight which we did get on so we were in D.C. by 8:30. I will start with the rest of this day tomorrow.

Thank you all for your many prayers.

Carried in His Arms
Tina

Saturday, June 24, 2006 8:02 PM CDT

Hey everyone! I know you have all been waiting on an update and I am so sorry that I have been so neglectful. I promise I will take the time and share with you day by day how it went. Just believe me when I say nothing in my life is simple.

I want to ask for prayer for a very special family tonight. Mrs. Joyce who has worked for me since I started at Brentwood earned her angel wings on Thursday morning. This is the news I came home to and thr partial reason for no update. I really didn't have much to say, my week has been put on the back burner. Mrs. Joyce was not your regular employee. She was so much more than an employee she was much more like family. I have many more memories than I can ever begin to share.

Joyce-I love you more than you could have ever known. You were there in my darkest moments offering me even the faintest of light. I know you have found your son and Stanton by now. Give Stanton a HUGE hug from me. You will forever be a special part of my life and forever be a part of who I am today.

Please also say an extra special prayer for me as this will be the first funeral I will have attended since Stanton's. The service is Monday at 10:00 with visitation tomorrow at 6:00.

Being carried as usual
Tina

Monday, June 19, 2006 9:547PM CDT

Hello Dear Ones ... this is ole Trish updating my sista, Tina. Tina asked me to share the Adventures to DC. As the weather is in total chaos on the East Coast, MeeMaw, Hayden and Tina are spending a luxurious night in a compted motel in lovely Detroit, MI. After being boarded onto a plane which by the way never left Detroit, the 3 adventuresome travelers have been reticketed for a Tuesday afternoon flight. Not that it's any consolation, Tina is determined they are going to try to get on standby on the 6:30 am flight. I think now would be a good time to pray #1) they get out of Detroit and #2) that the airlines does not have to experience the pitbull determination of Tina Haynes. I'm convinced that one way or another, they will be on a flight to DC to take care of the business they headed off to do. Oh, did I mention their luggage went onto DC without them?? Tina does have the books she so carefully put together with the priceless letters which she is going to hand deliver, an overnite change; MeeMaw has her makeup and poor Hayden has the clothes on his back. I know they are bushed from fighting the poor weather flights. Please remember them in prayer (as well as the airline staff ha!). Actually, Tina said they had made it pretty well today even with having to compete with 200 other people for flights out tomorrow. You know, that's just the grace of God keeping things in check for them.
Thank you so much ... you all are the best!!
Only By His Grace - Trish

Sunday, June 18th 9:54PM Update:
I know I promised an update before I left so here goes: This weekend has been a good one. I spent yeserday morning at the St. Jude Dream Home in Bossier City. Of course I had a great time doing anything for St. Jude. I left to watch Jeff play ball in the rain but by the time I got to him it was rained out. Hank was called to work so Dana and Hollan went with us to eat. That lasted just unitl we got our food and Jeff got called to work so to go boxes it was. When we dropped Jeff off Dana and I had a few errands to run and then we just went to her house to hang out. Hollan helped me make some bracelets. We watched the Miss La. pageant and a girl from Minden won. Congratulations Jamie! All in all it was a great day. I enjoyed my time with Dana and Hollan. I am already working on a build a bear date for next weekend.

TOday was a busy da spent spoiling Jeff (LOL) and spreading our time among our amazing fathers. I am not going to go into listing them all. I will just say we are 2 of the blessed children in the world to have such fathers. I do want to say Happy Father's Day to all of those angel children. I know today was not easy. To all of you other Dad's doing all you can for your child, our hearts and prayers are with you.

I spent the afternoon getting my books together. Thank you for the overwhelming response of letters. The books turned out great! I am anxious to get to Washington butI have to tell you that there is some very emotional planning that goes into this. No to mention I couldn't help but think that the other half of my fight would be in Arkansas. Trish-I feel like I am heading by myself. I am going to miss you so much but I fully understand. You just know that you will be a huge portion of my strength from afar.

Pray for safe travels and I will journal again on Friday unless I can talk Jeff into journeling sooner. Give him a hard tme and he will.

Love you all
Tina

Friday, June 16, 2006 10:48 AM CDT

I am running a little late today but I do have a good excuse. I had to stop by the radio and do a spot for the KTBS/St. Jude Children’s Research Hospital Dream Home. I always have fun stopping by to visit with Hilary and Jason. There is an open house that I will be at tomorrow so for all of you who want to come by and see the house it is usually beautiful. The tickets are 100.00 and get you in a drawing for many things plus the house. I bought Jeff one for Father’s Day.

Before I get to Father’s Day I have to say Happy Anniversary to my husband and best friend. It seems like you all have been through several of these with us now. I can’t even begin to tell you what having a child with a life threatening illness can do to a family much less if that child goes to heaven early. There is so much stress on everyone and life can be very difficult. I would be lying if I said Jeff and I had gone through all of this perfectly, the happily married couple but the main thing is we have gone through it and we have gone through it together. I can’t imagine not having Jeff around to hold me when I am sad and to make me laugh even when I don’t feel like it. Jeff-I love you and am so blessed to have you as my best friend. Sorry I have been a little crazy lately.

I am going to update Sunday so I won’t get into all of my amazing Father’s today. I will spend the weekend at the Dream Home and getting ready for Washington. Please pray for safe travel for me, mom and Hayden and that we are able to continue to get the message out to Congress.

I can’t thank all of you who responded to my call for help enough. The letters are incredible and have been very touching and moving. I know the congressmen will be proud to be a part of such an effort.

Sorry this is so brief but there is much to do and not much time to do it.

In Him
Tina

Thursday, June 15, 2006 10:09 AM CDT

I can’t even begin to tell you how awesome it feels to read some of the letters that you all wrote. I know the congressmen/woman will be touched. It is truly a testament of how far reaching childhood cancer is and how many people it affects. I am going to be so proud to hand them “our” book of letters reminding them that this time is all about every child with cancer. If you don’t know what I am talking about I copied yesterdays journal if you would like to help. I am going to use every letter that I get.

I have a special request from all of you. Actually I need a HUGE favor. When I go to D.C. and to the Hill they ask us to leave them with something to remind them of our visit other than the legal jargon. Last time I had an incredible book that I did and had bound that had many pictures and Stanton’s story. It was very moving and brought tears to many eyes. I have been brainstorming on what to do this time around, they all already have the books so this is where you come in. As you know all of my congressmen/women signed up to cosponsor their respective bills. This is HUGE to say that Louisiana loves their kids all over the state. The whole idea behind leaving something with them is to show them how childhood cancer has affected people, not just from La. So I thought what better way to say thank you than to have all of you who have been touched by Stanton or any child with cancer be it a survivor or angel to please send me a letter telling the Congressmen and women how a child with cancer has touched your life. If you have a picture that is great. I think this will do wonders in just thanking them and reminding them why they did it. I need at least 20 letters and I would like for them all not to be from my family. You can email them to me at stantonhaynes@yahoo.com. I am going to address mine Dear Louisiana Congressman or something rather than having to type 7 or 8 letters. Remember you don’t have to have ever met these kids to write, if they touched your life that is all that counts. Please, Please, Please help me out. I know you guys will come through. I will take all the letters that I get so don’t think I can get to many. If you have any questions please email me. Liz/Gerhard-I am counting on you guys!!!!!

I’ve really tried to stay away from how hard this week has been because I am trying to make it better. Stanton’s 1 year 4 month anniversary was this week (no I didn’t forget), Jeff and I have an anniversary on Friday and Father’s Day Sunday, what a week. Twice this week I have woken up and felt around the bed for Stanton. I even asked Jeff this morning where he was. I guess there will always be days when it will not seem real.

My devotional this morning was about David and Goliath and that was one of Stanton’s favorites so I knew I was going to share it. It is called “A Personal Path”:

Isaiah 26:3
You will keep the man in perfect peace whose mind is kept on You, because he trusts in You.
The devotional talks about when David was getting ready to face Goliath. King Saul offered David his armor. It would have been big on this young boy but David refused the armor. All he had was a slingshot. He used that slingshot and taught us a powerful lesson: what fits others might not fit you. Indeed what fits the king may not fit you. Just because someone gives you advice, a job or a promotion, you don’t have to accept it. Let your uniqueness define your path in life.

I always loved reading David and Goliath to Stanton. Looking back maybe the reason he liked it so was that he felt a little like David. He was a little boy up against a strong powerful disease. I know that they way he fought his battle forever changed my life. I also know that his uniqueness defined who he was and why we all loved him so. As I strive to be like Jesus I will also strive for some of Stanton’s ability to show his uniqueness. I sure am a lucky mom!

Defining my Path with God’s Help
Tina

Wednesday, June 14, 2006 10:06 AM CDT

Let’s just say that yesterday was a very busy day and the evening got no better. Last night Hayden had a ballgame, Mary Claire had a ballgame, Jeff and Dakota had a ballgame, and Coltan had a ballgame all in that order. I did not make Jeff’s and Hayden wasn’t playing in the time slot I had marked for him but I did get to see Mary Claire’s and Coltan’s last ballgames. I have told Jamie and Dana both that I don’t think I can keep up with any more nieces or nephews but they know me to well and know I will be wherever whenever.

I have a special request from all of you. Actually I need a HUGE favor. When I go to D.C. and to the Hill they ask us to leave them with something to remind them of our visit other than the legal jargon. Last time I had an incredible book that I did and had bound that had many pictures and Stanton’s story. It was very moving and brought tears to many eyes. I have been brainstorming on what to do this time around, they all already have the books so this is where you come in. As you know all of my congressmen/women signed up to cosponsor their respective bills. This is HUGE to say that Louisiana loves their kids all over the state. The whole idea behind leaving something with them is to show them how childhood cancer has affected people, not just from La. So I thought what better way to say thank you than to have all of you who have been touched by Stanton or any child with cancer be it a survivor or angel to please send me a letter telling the Congressmen and women how a child with cancer has touched your life. If you have a picture that is great. I think this will do wonders in just thanking them and reminding them why they did it. I need at least 20 letters and I would like for them all not to be from my family. You can email them to me at stantonhaynes@yahoo.com. I am going to address mine Dear Louisiana Congressman or something rather than having to type 7 or 8 letters. Remember you don’t have to have ever met these kids to write, if they touched your life that is all that counts. Please, Please, Please help me out. I know you guys will come through. I will take all the letters that I get so don’t think I can get to many. If you have any questions please email me. Liz/Gerhard-I am counting on you guys!!!!!

As you can tell I am pretty psyched about D.C. and am ready to go back. Thank you in advance for your help. I am reposting one of the poems from yesterday. I just love it:

HOLD THEM A LITTLE CLOSER
I pray you never walk through
The agony I’ve known
I pray that all your little ones
Will stay until they’ve grown.
I pray that you can really hear
My brokenhearted cries
So you will know the anguish
When a child dies.

I pray it makes you hold them
Closer to your breast
And savor every moment
As if it were the best.
For none of us can ever know
How soon they will be gone
And all we’ll have are memories
To hold us in the dawn.

Oh dear and tired mother
Of rambunctious little lambs
Do not grow weary of washing
And helping little hands.
Remember that these precious ones
May not be with us long
And we will have to suffer
Such pain when they are gone
So when you cry at one more day
Of toys spread on the floor
Think of if they weren’t there
To mess up anymore.
Think of all the precious things
You’ll miss and wish you had
You’ll see those things that irked you so
They weren’t all that bad.

Hold them closer for awhile
And stroke their silky hair
And touch them gently once for me
I wish that I were there.
For as I cry out for my son
Who cannot feel my touch
My heart cries out to tell you all
You can never love too much.

© Copyright 1997 Vickilynn Haycraft
August 1, 1997

Hoping you will open your heart
Tina

Tuesday, June 13, 2006 10:19 AM CDT

How do I even start to journal when I know yesterday was the worst day of their lives for 2 special families. I know you are thinking “how do you know they are special you don’t even know them?” I am convinced that every family that God blesses with a cancer child is special. Yes, you read right I said “blesses”. I have never doubted that Stanton was a blessing from God. Yes, his time on earth was way to short from me but these children teach you so much about life, love, living and dying how can it be anything but a blessing. So please keep Jacob’s family from Florida in your prayers. If you don’t know about him he was a triplett and had an older brother so these siblings need extra special prayers. The other little boy’s name was Will and I know the Raborn’s have gotten to know them from being in ICU together.

From the moment I read about Jacob my mind wandered back to the day Stanton earned his wings. I thought all day and night and this morning about the feelings that this mom is going through. I can tell you the memories are extremely vivid. My heart aches so.

Yesterday I heard from my last Representative from Louisiana who agreed to cosponsor the bill that I had asked him to which means that when I go next week I will able to say Thank you because now all Louisiana congressmen/women are on board. I will also be able to say how proud I am to be from Louisiana, a state that cares about our kids. Thank you to all who made this possible. Mom, Hayden and I will be flying out Monday.

I also talked to the St. Jude/ALSAC rep. yesterday and we will be very involved in the St. Jude Dream Home give away in Shreveport. As always I look forward to sharing our story and raising money for St. Jude. If you are interested in a ticket the number is 1-800-724-2423. I will be on KRMD Friday morning and open house is Saturday.

I want to leave you with a couple of poems I got from other websites that were too good not to share:

"He only took my Hand"

Last night while I was trying to sleep;

My son's voice I did hear.

I opened my eyes and looked around,

But he did not appear.

He said, "Mom and Dad" you've got to listen,

You've got to understand,

God didn't take me from you,

He only took my hand.

When I called out in pain that day,

The instant that I died,

He reached down and took my hand,

and pulled me to His side.

He pulled me up and saved me,

From all the misery and the pain.

My body was hurt so badly inside,

I could never be the same.

My search is really now over,

I've found happiness within.

All the answers to my empty dreams

and all that might have been.

I Love you so, and miss you so,

And I'll alawys be nearby.

My body's gone forever,

But my spirit will never die!

And so, you must go on now,

Live one day at a time.

Just Understand -

God did not take me from you,

"He only took my Hand"

Author Unknown

This one hit me pretty hard because I have always envisioned God taking Stanton’s hand and taking him to heaven. I also know that his pain is over and the cancer gone. As much as I want him here there is peace knowing he is no longer in pain. Next time I think about holding God’s hand I will have to think about Stanton on the other side.

This next poem is to all of you who have children. I know that it can be very frustrating at times. I know from experience that you want to pinch their heads off but this poem puts it all into perspective. Be thankful that you have children to fuss about. There really is no such thing as loving too much: (I guess Hayden gets the benefits of that if he thinks of it as benefits)

HOLD THEM A LITTLE CLOSER
I pray you never walk through
The agony I’ve known
I pray that all your little ones
Will stay until they’ve grown.
I pray that you can really hear
My brokenhearted cries
So you will know the anguish
When a child dies.

I pray it makes you hold them
Closer to your breast
And savor every moment
As if it were the best.
For none of us can ever know
How soon they will be gone
And all we’ll have are memories
To hold us in the dawn.

Oh dear and tired mother
Of rambunctious little lambs
Do not grow weary of washing
And helping little hands.
Remember that these precious ones
May not be with us long
And we will have to suffer
Such pain when they are gone
So when you cry at one more day
Of toys spread on the floor
Think of if they weren’t there
To mess up anymore.
Think of all the precious things
You’ll miss and wish you had
You’ll see those things that irked you so
They weren’t all that bad.

Hold them closer for awhile
And stroke their silky hair
And touch them gently once for me
I wish that I were there.
For as I cry out for my son
Who cannot feel my touch
My heart cries out to tell you all
You can never love too much.

© Copyright 1997 Vickilynn Haycraft
August 1, 1997

I hope you all have a great day. Please don’t forget all of our special friends and their families.

Taking God’s hand
Tina

Monday, June 12, 2006 10:30 AM CDT

Okay, I guess you are wondering where I have been. Sorry, I should have put a note or something so you wouldn’t worry. I have had such a long a difficult 2 weeks that it was decided I needed a “me” day or at least a day away from the hustle bustle and thought processes that come along with work. I was really struggling with focusing which was very frustrating for me. So I took Friday off and did not journal. Now I know you are wondering what I did with my time and as usual I will share.

Friday Jamie decided it was time to go find the stained glass that I wanted in my house so off we headed; me, Jamie, Mary Claire and Elynn Kate in my car. The girls were good but there were a couple of times I thought I might just jump out of the window. In fact when we found the stained glass I also found an antique prayer bench that I wanted and the only way to get it home was to leave the kids. Jamie would have no part of it. They were really not bad and as usual gave me some much needed laughs. That Elynn Kate will say anything anywhere!!! Much to both of our husbands surprise we actually made it there and back without getting lost. We are both terrible with directions.

Saturday was pretty uneventful during the day. I was resting up for my night adventure. I guess you could say the weekend was about my nieces because on Saturday night my other niece, Hollan had here first dance recital. She too can be a little stinker but she does love her Aunt Tina and Uncle Jeff and would live with us if we would let her. Dance recitals are not always the most fun things to do especially when the one you came to watch is 3 and is in 2 dances. She was a crocodile first for the ballet portion. She did okay during the dance but her exit was by far the best, but when it came time for tap and the Boogie Shoes dance it was on. She danced the whole time (not the same dance everyone else was doing most of the time). She can boogie and you could tell that she really enjoyed this part. I also have to brag on Hayden and Dakota because they were a few of the lone men in the family who took on this adventure so you know how special Hollan has to be to them. Hollan-you did great at your dance recital. Aunt Tina loves you so much and is so proud of you.

Sunday was another incredible Sunday at church. We are blessed to have an amazing Sunday School teacher. We also had several visitors which is always nice. In Worship service Brother Wayne had a sermon tailored made for me, or at least it seemed like it anyway. It was called “Sail On” and was about perseverance. Talk about perfect timing.

That afternoon some of us went to Gary and Sarah’s pool which was fun. I had not seen Hollan swim and she is doing very good. Haynes is to. Maddux sure does look good trying but if you let go he sinks. He never has much to do with me but since at one time I was the only adult in the pool and he could get in without his floaties I worked.

Overall it was a great weekend. I had many times when the smiles were real and I could say I was okay and mean it. I still miss Stanton more than any words I could put on this journal but God blessed me with amazing nieces, nephews and cousins that give me my little kids fix when I need it the most. Jamie, Dana, Amber-thanks for always sharing your kids with me. You will never know how much it means to spend some special time with them. What I gain from them is worth way more than any pain it may cause. I love you all!

It appears that we will be busy at the ballpark this week with Coltan and Mary Claire finishing up their games, Hayden playing and Jeff’s church softball. I will either have some quiet time at home or some hot evenings at the ballpark. I was reminded by someone very special that it is not the “I gotta go, it is I getta go”. Pretty good perspective.

There are several children in need of your special prayers right now. Please just keep them all in your prayers.

Looking to the Son
Tina

Thursday, June 8, 2006 10:25 AM CDT

Okay here it is Thursday and things are still just going along. I am happy to report that today appears as if it might be a better day. I talked to 2 amazing people yesterday, Brother Wayne and Paul and came away from both conversation with a lot to think about and think about them I did. I spent a good bit of time in quiet time but instead of trying to find scripture to validate the feelings I was having I looked for scripture to validate how I wanted to feel. So I read many many verses on happiness and how God wants us to be happy and His ways to achieve that happiness. I made a promise to Him last night that I would work on these things.

As much as I miss Stanton I know in my heart that he is exactly where he needs to be. He is in a perfect place free from cancer, worry and this evil world. When I was talking to Mary Claire yesterday she said “I be it is really neat getting to hug Jesus whenever you want to and that is what Stanton gets to do.” I had to agree with her I bet that is a neat feeling. I got a couple of emails yesterday that were such perfect timing and I hope they don’t mind me sharing but the words spoke so much to me right when I needed it. The following is a quote from an 18 year old who was touched by Stanton’s life. She even drew a picture of them that ended up in her senior yearbook. “I never understood why such an amazing little boy had to leave us. Then it hit me. He was too amazing. This world isnt the best place, and little Stanton was this perfect incredible child. He was too great for this world, he deserves to live in a perfect world, and thats heaven.” I guess it took a child as usual to look at things in a way that I yet hadn’t. She was right Stanton was amazing and he did deserve heaven. I know how blessed I was in the short time he was here and how much he taught me.

I also got an email from someone who writes songs and loves the lyrics to songs just like I do so she email me some lyrics and this one seemed all to appropriate after my counseling session yesterday. We talked about this battle that I seem to be in and then he described how literally soldiers who were in a battle on the side of a mountain would shove their sword in the mountain and hang on to rest when they got tired. He asked me for now to shove my sword into the side of the mountain and hold on. I have asked that God help me hold on and cradle me during this resting period so these lyrics were so appropriate:
Rest Awhile
Do you ever feel that no one loves you?
Have the cares of this world weighed you down?
Let the arms of the savior wrap around you.
And lay those heavy burdens on the ground
Rest awhile in the arms of the Savior
He is always there and He always cares
Rest awhile in the arms of the Savior
He wants to bare your heavy load
.
Are tired and oh so weary from your travels here below
Do you think no-one has ever felt like you.
Be assured that Jesus walked along these same old dusty roads
And understands what you’re going through
Lay your burdens at the feet of Jesus
It matters not how high the pile.
Cast your cares upon the Master’s shoulders
Climb up in his arms and rest awhile
So, somedays life is what you choose it to be and today I choose to have a good day.

Resting In His arms
Tina

Wednesday, June 7, 2006 11:40 AM CDT

To say yesterday was an emotional roller coaster would be a complete understatement. I don’t expect many of you to understand the grief I had yesterday over Emma Grace’s anniversary. She was just like a daughter to me so her death hit me VERY hard and yesterday I just felt like I was starting over again. I spent much of the day holding back tears.

The other big event was it was my last night of group counseling. I know that in the beginning I did not want to go but saying good-bye last night was pretty hard. We had a balloon release which was fun to watch. Of course one of my dolphin balloons did it’s own thing, imagine that. Everyone got a kick out of it because I described it as being just like Stanton, always having to do things his way. I can remember the hoops Jeff and I used to have to jump through to do its Stanton’s way or at least make him believe he was getting his way. We eventually learned that there were some things just not worth the battle, such as wearing the underwear backwards. If it didn’t bother him why should it bother us. Although it is still a mystery as to why they put the characters on the back of the underwear where you can’t see them.

I know I am at a point these days where I am digging myself back into a ditch that I know all to well is very hard to get out of. The questions, doubts are beginning to become overwhelming. Please pray with me that I will get out of this place that I don’t want to be rather quickly and begin to enjoy life again.

I got some great emails today and I cannot even begin to tell you how much they meant and how they picked me up this morning. I LOVE to hear how Stanton affected people’s lives even those who never got the chance to meet him personally. If you feel like sharing with us something that Stanton did that touched your life please do so as it means the world to me. I keep all of the guestbook entries so I can read them when I need a pick me up.

Galatians 5:6

The important thing is faith-the kind of faith that works through love.

“Symbols are important. Some of them like communion and baptism illustrate the cross of Christ. They symbolize salvation…but they do not impart salvation.

Putting your trust in a symbol is like claiming to be a sailor because you have a tattoo….

Our God …saves us, not because we trust in a symbol, but because we trust in a Savior.”

Believing I will get back up
Tina

Tuesday, June 6, 2006 10:11 AM CDT

I have sat and thought about this entry for some time now, in fact I thought about what I wanted to say and how I wanted it to come across all the way to work. A lot has happened since yesterday some to other people and other things too my heart (good things). You see my entry on contentment really made me stop and think. Don’t get me wrong I still have a long way to go but I got some wonderful support yesterday from very dear friends.

Unfortunately today was an expected difficult day for me, you see it was one year ago today that I was sitting in the recliner and got a phone call that Emma Grace was now with Stanton. I was shocked beyond imagination. This was not a journey we were to share or not in my plans it wasn’t. It was another one of those days that will forever be etched into my heart. I am pasting a portion of my journal from that day:

“Of course I will share a story. On the day that Stanton passed away as we were driving home we saw a beautiful rainbow. Stanton LOVED rainbows and it was like he was telling us he was okay. Well this evening my sister called and said “go outside and see what heaven is like tonight”. We actually had to get in the car and drive but once we saw it, it was a beautiful rainbow. Coincidence? Not a chance. I just blew a kiss to heaven and told Stanton and Emma Grace that we loved them.”

Can you begin to imagine heaven with these 2 characters in it. As much as I question and as much as I doubt I KNOW for certain that Stanton would not come back here for anything. I know he is perfect in every way.

Trish-you know I love you more than I could even begin to type on this page and I would have done anything if our journies could have been different but I wouldn’t have traded knowing you and EG and Eli for the world. I am here today for anything you need. It’s okay not to be superwoman for a day. Believe me, I have paid a lot of money to be able to say that.

Hayden had a ballgame last night and let’s just be reminded of my mother’s favorite saying: “If you can’t say anything nice then don’t say anything at all.” Let’s say I tried.

Last night I was reminded (Not like I need reminding) just how fragile life is. A friend of ours mother is very sick and seemed to get that way very fast. At one point last night they were told the night would tell the tale. Belinda was crushed as expected. I talked to her husband Scotty and the one thing he asked for was prayer so I promised him I could have that covered. Her name is Becky and she could use all of the prayers that you have. Her daughters are Belinda and Brenda and they also could use the prayers for strength for the upcoming days.

I can’t tell you all what the words of encouragement mean to me, especially when I am struggling. Thank you all for continuing to walk this journey with me.

Not giving up on contentment
Tina

Monday, June 5, 2006 11:49 AM CDT

Good morning, yes a little later than usual but I am still not feeling just great. I had no idea all of the effects grief could have on you both emotionally and physically. I have pretty much decided that is what all of the physical symptoms stem from but I am going to go to the doctor it is time for my blood sugar check anyway.

This weekend was completely uneventful to say the least. I had no idea that I would miss Hayden being there so. He is never home much anyway but I still get to hear that wonderful “I love you” twice a day. He had a great time at his conference. You will have to read the guestbook entry from one of his counselors. She just happened to be a Stanton prayer warrior for years now (Odd or God?). I know the answer to that. Cathy-thank you so much for the kind words. I am blessed to have such a neat kid. He had great things to say about all of you.

Saturday I tried to start packing up a few things. We then rode out to Hank and Dana’s to check out their new pond. I enjoyed getting to visit with Dana for a little while and play tea party with Hollan and Jeff had a good game of Playstation going with Coltan. Saturday night I decided it was time for me to go watch Jeff play ball. He plays church softball during the week and 30 and over baseball on Saturdays. No, some men just can’t give up that dream. He didn’t get to start and I was just about to leave when he got to bat. He was a little aggravated, not sure why but he crushed one over the left field wall which is an accomplishment since they have to use wooden bats. I have to say I was a little proud.

Sunday was much of the same, not much. I had a VERY rough day in general and am having a hard time controlling my emotions. I don’t know why now but my mind races with questions and with thoughts of Stanton. I am trying not to doubt my decisions and wondering if I let him down although I know in my heart that I didn’t. I also know where all of the questions are coming from, Satan himself and I am really struggling with not letting him get the best of me. When I say struggle I mean really struggling so please pray with me that Satan will leave me alone and let me find some peace and joy among the grief.

As I was typing this I stopped and got my Everyday Blessings Book. One of the pages from the weekend really hits home. I have often written about contentment and what the definition of that word is. I know that I would not describe myself as content lately and I know that is where God wants me to be. One phrase from a Bible study that I did when Stanton was sick keeps coming to mind, “If everything and everyone you had was taken away from you and all you had was God’s Grace would you be content?” The answer to this is supposed to be yes. How can you know the answer but just can’t get there in your mind? Well, this is the devotional from the weekend:

1 Timothy 6:6
Godliness with contentment is great gain.

“In our world, contentment is a strange street vendor, roaming…slowly from house to house…offering his wares: an hour of peace, a smile of acceptance, a sigh of relief…

When I asked him why so few welcomed him into their homes, his answer left me convicted. ‘I charge a high price, you know…I ask people to trade in their schedules, frustrations and anxieties…You’d think I’d have more buyers,…but people seem strangely proud of their ulcers and headaches’”.

Okay, God know I have to be hit over the head pretty hard to get my attention. He may have clarified some of my physical symptoms with one devotional. What a Great God we serve.

Striving for true contentment
Tina

By the way it looks like we have Senator Vitter signed on. Now I just need Rep. Melancon. Thanks for everyones help.

Friday, June 2, 2006 11:12 AM CDT

I didn’t think Friday would ever get here!!!!!!! I have had so much work to do and can’t leave today until I finish month end. Just one more reason not to like the start of a new month.

I am sorry that I have been so whiney over the last week. Some days it is just so HARD! I really try to look at each day as one step closer to Stanton not one day further from him but that too is extremely hard. I can’t help but think if what life would be like if he were still here? One day I am going to have to make myself understand that I will never know that.

In bed with Mary Claire the other night was amazing. We had the most wonderful conversation about God, Jesus and Heaven. She is a pretty sharp kid (no I am not biased or anything). She asked some of the most simple but yet complex questions about heaven. All I could do was try to explain the most perfect place in her eyes while at the same time just imagining what heaven is like and what it will be like the day we all go see God and stand before him and then on to loving on Stanton. It really was a neat conversation.

Hayden and Whittney left this morning for the Hugh O’Brien Youth Leadership Conference. It is here in Shreveport so they were a little disappointed that they did not get to travel far. I am sure they will have a good time and meet many new people. Once again, this is an incredible achievement for both of them.

I don’t know what our plans for the weekend are. Probably clean and pack, who knows!

Please keep Jake in your prayers as I know you all are already doing.

Since I had had such a week I went to my room last night for quiet time not sure where I was going to get my devotional. After looking at a few books I thought, what a better place than God’s Word itself so I started reading in Psalms.

I came across this scripture and felt that I had been led here for a reason: Psalms 9:1

I will praise you Lord with all of my heart. I will tell all of the miracles you have done. I will be happy because of you; God most High, I will sing praises to your name.

I started reading in the first chapter and felt such peace. The scripture talked about having a choice between 2 roads, the righteous one or the evil one. It is up to you. Sometimes the righteous road is not always the easy road. People who choose this road and love the Lord will be strong. Everything they do will succeed. The wicked will be destroyed.

I read through Chapter 3 and it was all so go and painted such a clear picture. Speaking of picture, Trish saw a double rainbow yesterday, I am so jealous.

I hope you all have a nice weekend.

Knowing which Road I will take
Tina

Thursday, June 1, 2006 10:08 AM CDT

Good morning all! All I can say is that I hope that today is better than yesterday and the day before as far as work goes especially. I have been extremely busy. Of course, Mary Claire kept me entertained yesterday along with everyone else.

Hayden starts lifeguarding today so please pray for special protection over him and all of the kids that he is watching. He really enjoys this so I feel good knowing he is doing something he enjoys.

The house is coming right along. I had to pick out doors yesterday. People are really finding out how laid back I am. I know all who know me are disagreeing but I have done good so far with the house.

I talked to Don, Jake’s dad yesterday and they seem to hanging in there. I know they are tired but as a parent you will do anything for your child. Jake still needs continuous prayer that he can make some big improvements. Don, I hope you enjoyed your coke.

I almost hate to say anything about me because there are so many that are so sick but if you could say a small prayer for me while you are praying for Jake I would appreciate it. I have been having trouble eating and if I eat it does not stay down. I am starting day 3 with nothing to eat. I am not even hungry but the problem is that is very hard to control your blood sugars on fluids alone.

I was checking on Jacob from Florida and saw this poem and it went straight to my heart as the mother of 2 boys. Both incredible and terrific in their own way.

Your Son and Mine

Momma's Little Buddy.
The miracle before my eyes.
A reminder of God's presence,
Every time I see him smile.
His laughter is a joy to my Heart.
His forgiveness makes mine pale when compared.
He makes me laugh with a sense of humor,
That he is always willing to share.
The little things that excite him,
Make me remember the kid I used to be.
It reminds me to enjoy every moment more,
Instead of letting the world get to me.
Above all I only have to look at him,
His momma's pride and joy,
To remember to thank my Heavenly Father above,
For my special little boy.
I understand now how much God loves us,
Every time I hold him tight.
God gave up the Son He loved so much,
To give us eternal life.
Thank You God For your Son and mine

Both of my boys are oh so special to me just as the poem says. If you have never checked on this little boy his website is www.caringbridge.org/fl/jacob. He and his brothers are adorable and he is going through a very tough time. Stop by, tell him Stanton sent you, then say a special prayer.

Thanking God for His Son and mine
Tina

Wednesday, May 31, 2006 11:16 AM CDT

I will try not to have another pity party session today although I have to admit it felt good to get it out. It also felt good to hear from people who care and who might be going through the same experience. My favorite example was that losing a child was like having a rock in your shoe, it is painful but you learn to walk with that pain. At times the rock will shift and the pain will seem unbearable again but once again you learn to walk with that pain. Cindy-thanks so much for sharing that with me, it makes so much sense.

I had my group session last night which is the next to the last one. I don’t’ know how I feel about that. I know I did not want to go at first but now I have grown to care deeply about these people so I don’t know how I am going to deal without seeing them each week.

Mary Claire is at work with me today. She got to spend the night and I can’t tell you how much good that she does for me. There is nothing like going to sleep with a child curled up in your arms. If you’ve never done it I highly recommend it. She also had a lot of questions about heaven and going to heaven. Some of them were very good questions but then she would ask one that you knew she didn’t fully comprehend the idea. She did tell me that Jesus lived in her heart because she asked him to and the she knew she was going to heaven. Talk about a heart melting. Such a young age, but so wise beyond here years. I love her so much.

Romans 8:32
If God is for us, who can be against us?

God is for you. Your parents may have forgotten you, your teachers may have neglected you, your siblings may be ashamed of you; but within reach of your prayers is the maker of the oceans. God!

God is for you. Not “may be”, not “has been”, not “was”, not “would be”, but God is!!!!

Knowing I am never alone
Tina

Tuesday, May 30, 2006 11:36 AM CDT

Well, it has been awhile since I have updated so you might want to pull up a chair and sit awhile. I am sorry for those of you who look for an update daily but by the end of this I think you will understand.

I try really hard to put everything out here on this website so that you all will know specifically how to pray and if you are going through a similar situation maybe these words will offer some comfort but lately I struggle with really letting you know just how bad things can be. I guess I have the fear of someone saying “she should be over this by now”. For about a week or two I have really struggled and for not for one reason but a combination of many, mainly those St. Jude friends of ours that aren’t doing so well. I struggle with not being the mother I should be for Hayden. He deserves better than that. My biggest problem with him is that I care too much. He doesn’t understand that and I an working on that but I don’t think it will ever change. I also struggle with where I fit in. Some people act like I have the plaque or something, other places I feel like I should fit in I feel more isolated than ever. Jeff made a comment about me not doing anything the other day and all I could say was I get tired of doing things by myself or inviting people only to be told no. Of course he stays busy so he doesn’t understand which causes conflict. He told me this weekend that maybe the reason nobody wants to be around me is because I act like I have a chip on my shoulder. I guess I probably do sometimes but with a pretty good reason. So you can imagine how lonely it can be when you go everywhere by yourself, your son wants you no where around and your husband agrees with the world. It can be pretty lonely. I guess that is why I love work so much because I do get to socialize with people who treat me like a normal person. They let me cry without judging me and make me laugh when I need it most.

Saturday morning I got up and went to the lake where Jamie and her family were camping. We walked to the beach and swam for a little while. Elynn Kate played with her imaginary friends which is hilarious because you have to play along. I tried to explain to her that my therapist wouldn’t let me talk to those kind of people. Mary Claire played by herself for a little while then decided she would pull me around on my raft. I don’t know what it is about that little girl but she can lift me spirits any time. We had a nice time visiting as we floated around. We even stayed a little longer than the rest of the clan. I think she reminds me of me. She tries so hard to move on but Stanton and tears are never far. After I dried off I headed home. I LOVE driving down country roads. At one time I even thought about just driving until I couldn’t drive anymore. I opened the sunroof talked to God, talked to Stanton, life seemed pretty good.

Sunday as usual the Sunday School lesson was great and of course it was exactly what I needed to hear. Paul you are incredible. We talked at one point about why people who are raised in the church end up as grown-ups moving away from the church. My first thought was “that would be the easy thing to do”. Of course I was speaking in terms of our situation or any tragic situation. The easy thing to do would be to blame God and get as far away as possible from Him. Why haven’t I done that? I guess number one I have never been one to take the easy way out and most importantly I know that God is how I have made it this far. I know that He is the one that reaches down and picks me up out of bed in the morning. I know that He has carried me through the last 3 years and that there is no way that I could have done it without Him. I know it sounds strange to some but I still have a lot to be thankful to God for. I actually came to work for a little while that afternoon because I had plans for Monday, which really works out good because it was so quiet. One of my favorite things they do on Memorial Day Sunday is recognize those in the congregation that have served our country. I am always so proud to see my daddy stand up. That is a very neat thing for me and something that I will always be proud of him for.

Monday was a hard day. I know Memorial Day is for veterans but I can’t help but think of everyone who has lost a loved one and of course couldn’t help but think of Stanton. I started trying to pack up a few things getting ready to show our house but did not get very far. I had a very interesting afternoon and I can’t go any further without thanking Ronnie and Glenda Broughton for all that they did for me yesterday. You all know that I am the Louisiana Rep. for CureSearch and the National Childhood Cancer Foundation and that I am trying desperatlely to get 2 more signatures, David Vitter’s included. Well, he had a town hall meeting in Ringold yesterday and guess who was there? You got it me in the flesh. Mr. and Mrs. Broughton know Senator Vitter personally so they had offered me a ride and an indtroduction. It was great to get to look Senator Vitter in the eye and plead my case. Now I just wait but I do feel pretty good about it. Of course before I leave for something like this my mom always begs me not to show up in the news (in a bad way as I tend to be a little hot headed sometimes) and you guessed it the news was there and yes, I ended up on the news but only in a positive way, shaking the Senator’s hand and giving him my information. Once again I have managed not to embarrass my mother. Last night we went to Jamie’s to eat and it was great just getting to spend some time with my family.

I told you this was going to be a long one. But I promise this is the end. I heard a song going to church by Diamond Rio and I knew I had to find the CD which I did and then the lyrics to share with you which I also did: It is called “God only cries”

On an icy road one night
A young man loses his life
They marked the shoulder with a cross
An' his family gathers round
On a piece of Hallowed ground
Their hearts are heavy with their loss
As the tears fall from their eyes
There's one who'll always sympathise.

God only cries for the living
'Cause it's the living that are left to carry on
An' all the angels up in Heaven
They're not grieving because they're gone
There's a smile on their faces
'Cause they're in a better place than, mmm, baby, than, oh
God only cries for the living
'Cause it's the living that are so far from home.

It still makes me sad
When I think of my Grand-dad
I miss him each and every day
But I know the time will come
When my own gradnson
Wonders why I went away
Maybe we're not meant to understand
Till we meet up in the Promised Land.

God only cries for the living
'Cause it's the living that are left to carry on
And all the angels up in Heaven
They're not grieving because they're gone
There's a smile on their faces
'Cause they're in a better place than, oh, baby, than oh
God only cries for the living
'Cause it's the living that are so far from home
Yeah, we're so far from home, Mmmm, Mmmm

Thank you for all of your continued support and prayers.

Blessed
Tina

Friday, May 26, 2006 10:18 AM CDT

I just came from Jake’s site and it seems that he is making small baby steps and we will take them. Please continue to keep Jake and his family in your prayers, even Mo who mentions everyone in her journal on the planet except me (just kidding Mo).

As for me and my world let’s just say things have not been easy. My heart and mind is Memphis with the Raborn’s and I wish I could take away the pain. When I get into a depressive state I refer to it as my “ditch”. I know I have spent a lot of my time in my ditch and very deep in it I might add. But I have learned to recognize when I start digging that ditch and it helps me to either stop digging or at least not dig so deep. Well, this week I have been fighting the urge to dig as deep as I can and hide. I have these dreams and I know Stanton is there but I can’t see him. Everything I see on TV reminds me of him. There are so many things we would be doing with him right now if he was still with us and I am really struggling with that.

Hayden is officially out of school but no rest for the weary. He has already started summer ball, umpiring, football weight training and will start lifeguarding next week. Needless to say he is at home in bed today sleeping as long as he wants to he said.

I got to take Mary Claire to daddy’s today and we haven’t spent much Tina time lately and just the short time I had her with me I was reminded why I need that so much. We had a blast and of course she fed my ego by reminding me that I was the coolest Aunt and she was so lucky. I just told her that I was the lucky one.

The outside walls are up on the house so it is moving right along. It still does not look very big but I am trusting everyone that tells me that is normal.

I stole the following lyrics off of Jake’s guestbook. It seemed so appropriate. If anyone knows where I can get this song I would love it:

"Chance for a Lifetime"
Lyrics and Music written for CureDuchenne
by Christian Schauf (of the band CatchPenny)

They say there’s not enough reason
They say the cure's too much
A generation left as orphans
In a world that’s out of touch

But you’re everything I live for
You’re my one and only son
And I’ll give everything I can offer
To simply see you run

And I will lift you up
And I will give you strength
I will be your breath
When your world is giving in

And I will find a way
To make it through the night
I’ll never leave your side
To see the morning light
And a chance for a lifetime
And a chance for a lifetime
Phone calls lead me nowhere
but how could I give up this fight
When you tell me you feel weaker
When I kiss your head at night

So I’ll make it my only mission
And together we will stand
In the years that we have together
In the life that you deserve

And there’s nothing left to say
And there’s no one here to blame
I know it seems unfair
But you’ve got to have faith
God will show you the way
He will lift you up
He will give you strength
He will be your breath
When your world is giving in

He will find a way
To make it through the night
And never leave your side
To see the morning light
And a chance for a lifetime
And a chance for a lifetime
And a chance for a lifetime
And a chance for a lifetime
And a chance for a lifetime

What I wouldn’t have done for Stanton to have a chance at a lifetime. I will continue the fight against the beast though. I have one Senator (who happens to be having a town meeting in Ringold Monday if anyone is interested) and one Representative (Melancon) who have not signed up for the respective bills. When I go in June I want everyone from Louisiana on board so I am still fighting and will be in Ringold Monday.

Fighting for Someone’s chance of a lifetime
Tina

Thursday, May 25, 2006 10:34 AM CDT

It is really hard to journal on what is going on in your life when your heart and your mind is in Memphis. So for today I would like everyone to focus their prayers on Jake. www.caringbridge.org/la/jakeowen This is a family that is so very special to us and who was there for us while we were in Memphis. Jake is having a pretty rough time and I know Staci, Don and family love to read the guestbook. They have two older sons that are there as well, Hunter and Hayden. You might want to say a word to them as we have lived through how hard this is one the siblings. Thank you for your continued support of us and all of our friends.

Today it is all about Jake
Tina

Wednesday, May 24, 2006 11:40 AM CDT

Good morning everyone! I don’t know about you but it feels like Friday! I guess that is just wishful thinking on my part. I have been so stressed at work that the days are going by way to fast and I can’t seem to catch up. I always believed that when I was pregnant that pregnancy makes you stupid (it did me anyway). Well, I am beginning to think the same thing about depression. I sometimes forget what I am saying in the middle of a sentence. Needless to say I am writing EVERYTHING down.

I had an emotional breakdown last night. It was my first real breakdown in a while so I guess that was good. I can only think that with everything going on with graduations and end of school stuff that I have just been overwhelmed. What it boils down to is I miss Stanton, and I want him home. I want to be able to kiss him goodnight. I want to pick up his toys. I want to go watch him play t-ball. But the fact is that none of this is going to happen. In group last night we read a poem about a mom who went into her deceased child’s room and it was so real and so emotional. The things that were his, sometimes you can even smell him. That is when the real reality sinks in. As always, I will put my hope and faith in the Lord and I know that He will once again pull me from this ditch I am digging but I have got to be willing to ask Him for help.

Speaking of asking for help I need all of you or at least those of you who are not already doing so to go to Jake’s website and let them know you are praying for them. www.caringbridge.org/la/jakeowen He is having a tough time right now and I know Staci and Don read the guestbook regularly. I also wish I could explain how much your words mean when we are going through trying times.

Hayden had his spring football game last night and I didn’t get to go but Jeff said he did really good when he got to play. He is really going to have to hit the weights hard this summer to build up his arm muscles. Tomorrow is his last day of school and he will be helping mom with her field day. I know he is looking forward to a few days off before he starts lifeguarding for the summer.

I want to close with a poem that a mother shared with us last night. I am glad I was already crying because I would have been after I read this.

If Tomorrow Starts Without Me

If tomorrow starts without me
And I’m not there to see
If the sun should rise and find your eyes
All filled with tears for me;

I wish so much you wouldn’t cry
The way you did today
While thinking of the many things
We didn’t get to say

I know how much you love me
As much as I love you
And each time that you think of me
I know you’ll miss me too;

But when tomorrow starts without me
Please try to understand
That an angel came and called my name
And took me by the hand;

And said my place was ready
In heaven far above
And that I’d have to leave behind
All those I dearly love.

But as I turned to walk away
A tear fell from my eye,
For all my life, I’d always thought
I didn’t want to die.

I had so much to live for,
So much left to do
It seemed almost impossible
That I was leaving you.

I thought of all the yesterdays,
The good ones and the bad
I thought of all that we had shared,
And all the fun we had.

If I could relive yesterday,
Just even for a while
I’d say good-bye and kiss you
And maybe see you smile.

But then I fully realized
That this could never be
For emptiness and memories
Would take the place of me.

And when I thought of worldly things
I might miss some tomorrow
I thought of you and when I did
My heart was filled with sorrow.

But when I walked through heaven’s gates,
I felt so much at home.
When God looked down and smiled at me,
From His great golden throne

He said “This is eternity,
And all I have promised you.
Today your life on earth is past
But here life starts anew.”

I promise no tomorrow,
But today will be the last,
And since each day is the same way
There’s no longing for the past.

So when tomorrow starts without me,
Don’t think we are far apart,
For every time you think of me,
I’m right here, in your heart.

Missing My Baby
Tina

Tuesday, May 23, 2006 10:52 AM CDT

On the outside looking in! I heard that song on the radio this morning and couldn’t help but think oh how that describes last night and then I though it could describe my life on most days.

Heather’s graduation went well. There were a lot more of them than in Minden. She looked beautiful and I am so very proud of all that she has accomplished. I do wish I could have enjoyed it more.

Sometimes it feels like I am in the middle of something yet like I said I am looking in not really there. Okay, I am starting to get confused and no that did not take much.

Please pray so hard for Jake right now. I read their website and can’t believe what his little body is having to go through. I know when he beats this the world better watch out because he is going to be the strongest person I know. Please also pray for Staci and Don as times like these can be so trying on the parents. I just talked to Staci and when I asked how things were she said “OK”. That was Jeff’s favorite telephone line. I reminded her that things were not “OK” but that is what we all are here for. She sounds tired, worried, and all the other emotions that you go through during a time like this. She did say Jake would be getting his white cells this afternoon so extra prayers then.

Also please say a special prayer for Christal and Chris. www.christalinfo.com You can go read what Chris wrote but it goes back to these kids having to be so wise beyond their years. These are 2 girls that we all grew to love so much and Chris has walked a many rocky roads with us. I can only hope to be there for her as much as she has been for me. Christal is really a Mr. Jeff fan but she plays a mean beauty shop. I love to have people play with my hair so Christal would always want to play beauty shop. She would always do really well until Peat (Emma Grace) and Repeat (Stanton) would join in and I promise there was not enough hair to go around. Don’t worry though, they all pulled until they had hair. When Chris was pregnant we would ask Christal is she wanted a baby brother like Stanton and her exact words were “a baby brother would be fine but maybe he won’t act like Stanton” with a little further prodding she said “he is wild”. I couldn’t get offended because she was right and in the next sentence she said the same thing about Emma Grace. I try to think they really weren’t that wild but that Christal was just that good. Ha Ha!

Psalm 37:11
The meek shall inherit the earth, and shall delight themselves in the abundance of peace.

“The meek are those who are willing to be used by God. Amazed that God would save them, they are just as surprised that God can use them. They are the junior high school clarinet section playing with the Boston Pops. They don’t tell the maestro how to conduct; they are just thrilled to be a part of the concert.”

It was this very last sentence that caught my attention. How many times do I try to tell God what I am going to do and ask for His help rather that asking Him what He wants me to do? Too many I know!

Listening more
Tina

Monday, May 22, 2006 12:14 AM CDT

I guess before I share my pity party I will share the weekend events with you. First of all Dakota’s graduation was perfect. I wish I could say there were not tears but unfortunately those started even before the ceremony started. I hugged him as I walked in and that was all it took. The valedictorian and salutatorian addresses were the best I had ever heard. I was most impressed with how they chose to incorporate scripture into their speeches. It was so reassuring to know that as hard as people have fought to keep God out of the schools, these kids are still getting it somewhere. I still cannot believe that they have graduated. I know Hayden is going to miss him at school greatly.

Some of the family went out to eat after the ceremony. Dakota wanted crawfish so that is what he got. I had a great time visiting with him and everyone.

Saturday Jamie, mom and I went to Shreveport just to piddle. I was looking at furniture for our new house and needed Jamie’s help desperately. As she has stated before my decorating sense is not the best nor or my bargaining skills. So not only did she keep me grounded in the money department she came up with some great ideas on a much more reasonable budget than I would have. We had a fun girls day out, I laughed more than I have in a while although at one time I think mom threatened to disown us.

Yesterday was one of those days when I felt horrible again. I tried to start getting the house ready to sell but it was so draining. I did get some things accomplished which is better than nothing.

Now for my pity party, it is all about childhood cancer and the effects that it has not just on me but everyone that is dealing with be it survivors or not. It makes me so ANGRY! Childhood cancer robbed me of a future with my youngest child. That will always be my biggest problem. But there is no much more than that. It has robbed me of my oldest child as well. We can’t just have a normal life, things always have to be complicated. It robbed Hayden of being a teenager. He thinks he has to be Mr. responsible. Hurt comes so easy for him and when he hurts I hurt. He has been pushed into a grown-up world in a teenage body. The cancer took a lot of time away that Hayden and Stanton could have spent together. That breaks my heart as well. It takes away the complete innocence of children and forces them to deal with death much sooner than they should be it the child that is dying or the friends that surround them. I continue to be amazed at the wisdom these children have in regard to death, heaven and God and the realization of it all. It causes those who lose children to never know how each day is going to be mood wise. I wake up never knowing if it going to be a day I have to work really hard at being happy or if happiness is going to come easy. Even this weekend shopping I had 2 meltdowns over seeing things I know Stanton would have liked and having to keep on walking. It steals your life’s normalcy. Nothing is normal anymore. It steals relationships with either friends and possibly even your spouse. I think I could go on and on but I think you understand. My heart is just so heavy today.

Tonight I will be attending my niece’s graduation. Heather, I am so very proud of you I also can’t believe that tonight you will graduate. I am sorry that I have not been there for you as much as I should have been but you know that if you need me all you have to do is ask. I love you!

Thank you as always for your continued prayers and support, I know they play a big role in me getting through days like today.

In Him
Tina

I am also happy to add that Rep. Jim McCreary signed onto the Cure Childhood Cancer resolution. If I can get Sentaor Vitter and Rep. Melancon I will have every congressman from Louisiana signed on. Any help would be appreciated.

Friday, May 19, 2006 10:10 AM CDT

Well, I am trying to get back on track and journal in the morning. I am pretty sure O.H. was not happy with me yesterday. Today’s journal is going to be another special memory prompted by a very special young man.

I got a graduation invitation in the mail yesterday from a young man who is very special to me and was a special friend to Stanton. What made the invitation so special is that I knew it was from him and not his mother. How do I know that I am sure you are asking? Well, his name is John Major but Stanton never could say that so he called him “John Wagor”. On his name card he had changed the M to a W. I am certain he has no idea how special that was to me but to see one more person that has not forgotten Stanton and was able to come up with a very special way to let me know means the world to me. Thank you so much John Major for bringing back very special memories. I wish you the best of luck on all your future endeavours.

Now to the memory, I have to start by saying that there is a very special group of guys who will be graduating from high school tonight (Dakota being one of them). I have known most of these kids for as long as they have been alive or at least for a very long time. When Hayden lived with O.H. and Debbie they took him under their wing and treated him like a little brother. It was exactly what he needed. One weekend we got to come home from St. Jude this whole group of boys showed up at the house to see Stanton. Keep in mind it was a weekend night. Some of them had their girlfriends with them some did not but for a couple of hours they played t-ball in the front yard with Stanton. He didn’t think anything of it because he was supposed to be the center of attention. What I saw was some of the biggest hearts in the high school. They could have been anywhere and they were with Stanton. This is when he started calling John Major “Wajor”. Just one of those memories that you tuck way back in your mind never believing that you could relive it so vividly.

So, to this group of boys-Congratulations! I cannot believe you will be graduating tonight. It seems like just yesterday I was watching you in little league. I am so proud of the young men that you have become and I can’t wait to watch you keep growing and pursuing your dreams. Jeff and I are always here for you if you need anything. Don’t worry I haven’t forgotten about the gifts either they will be coming.

It is amazing how something so small can bring up a memory so big. I never dreamed that when these things were happening that they would one day be the only memories that we would have with Stanton. I know he is looking down and is oh so proud of his Uncle Kota, J.W. and all of his special senior friends.

This weekend please remember to keep Jake and Christal in your prayers. These are 2 children who have fought so hard just to live. Children I will admire for as long as I live. Raborn clan, I can’t even begin to name them all-hang in there. We love you and pray constantly. Chris/Drew/Grandma-We love you like our family. We will always be here for you. Please call if you need to talk. Again, always praying.

Looking forward to a good weekend
Tina

Thursday, May 18, 2006 2:48 PM CDT

Okay, so I am not very consistent. I have been running around like a wild woman today.

Yesterday started out as a very good day. Hayden’s counseling went good from what I could get out of him. He also scheduled a follow-up appointment which he had said he wouldn’t do so I was very pleased. He has really been a different child since he has been off of his medicine. He is still battling a head cold and I hope that is all that it is. I can’t go into detail because he will be so mad but lets just say by the time he went to bed things had gone downhill. I had several things I wanted to visit with him about but that all got put on the backburner. I don’t know how in the world I am going to watch him over the next many years be hurt over and over again. Any advice would be appreciated. I think if our life’s circumstances were different I probably wouldn’t be so hurt by it but to me Hayden has endured enough hurt in his life. I know that it is part of life and thank goodness he handles it better than I do.

I also wanted to take a minute and mention a very special cousin of mine who will be getting married. Reagan, I cannot believe that you are old enough to be married. It seems like we should all be so small running around outside at Aunt Bill’s house. I am so sorry that I missed the reception Saturday. I was sick and exhausted. I will have it to you though, we have been saying we were going to get together for a happy occasion and you made that happen. Mom talked about how special it was just to have the family together not at a funeral home. Congratulations and I wish you all the best on your new life.

Since yesterday ended up being such a hard day I found the perfect devotional for today.

1 Peter 1:21

Your faith and hope are in God

You will never be completely happy on earth simply because you were not made for earth. Oh, you will have moments of joy. You will have glimpses of light. You will know moments or even days of peace. But they simply do not compare with what lies ahead.

I know that there are days when I get so caught up in my daily living that I do not focus on the life that I will have eternally. These minor setback on earth or nothing compared to the joy I will experience some day.

Special prayer requests:

Jake
Christal
Brent
Trish’s mother
Katie and sisters
Hayden
Joyce
Mrs. Wanda and Dean

Looking toward the Son
Tina

Wednesday, May 17, 2006 9:35 AM CDT

Good Morning everyone. I am back on schedule for today anyway. Yesterday was on okay day. I had group last night and it was good as ususal. We talked about only having 3 groups left. It is hard to believe that 7 weeks ago I was dreading it now I don't want it to end.

I did do a little retail therapy while I waited. I have littel money Jeff reminds me often because we are building a house but I shopped the clearance isles. He didn't think that was the point. Oh Well! He will get over it.

Hayden is coming to Shreveport today for his first day of counseling. (BIG PRAYERS NEEDED) I thought he had it lined out so that he would not be driving by himself but that fell through. I don't mind the driving over but I really didn't want him driving home after a session. They can be pretty emotional.

This next devotion is out of my Everyday Blessings. It is meant for a specific individual who I am sure will not read this but if he does maybe he will get something out of it.

Michah 7:18-19
"He delights in mercy. He will again have compassion on us."

When Joseph was dropped into a pit by his own brothers, God didn't give up.
When Moses said, "Here I am send Aaron," God didn't give up...
When Peter worshipped Him at the supper and cursed Him at the fire, He didn't give up.
GOD NEVER GIVES UP

Just a nice reminder that God does not give up on His children. He stands with us and forgives us even when we wrong Him. I am thankful for this.

Serving A Forgiving God
Tina

Tuesday, May 16, 2006 1:55 PM CDT

I cannot believe that I have forgotten to update today. I guess that is an indication of how busy I have been.

Last night I enjoyed an evening at home watching TV. I needed this more than I wanted to admit.

I have to mention something that I should have earlier but I want to say a HUGE thank you to Chris Broussard. If you live in Minden you need to go by the angel garden. Mrs. Chris gave us 2 of the butterflies that were around Minden to put at Stanton's gravesite. It looks so beautiful and if you catch it just right when the wind is blowing it looks like the butterflies are flying. This was something I had wanted since they first put the butterflies up and Jamie and Mrs. Chris made it happen. I know Stanton would love it.

We got concrete today! Yes, finally enough days without rain that we have a foundation. I am so excited. I hope it will move a little quicker now.

Thank you for all of the mother's day wishes. It means so much to me that you all continue to read and pray for us daily. I know that we will need all of the prayer that we can get for a long time.

After a long conversation with a friend yesterday I had to take a moment to thank God. I can't go into details but I had to thank Him for being a loving and forgiving God. I also had to thank Him for giving me the opportunity to one day meet him face to face and to see Stanton again. Where would I be without that assurance? I really don't want to know.

Looking to the Son
Tina

Monday, May 15, 2006 11:57 AM CDT

Good Monday morning all! I hope you all had a blessed Mother’s Day yesterday. I must say that as hard as mine was Hayden did an AWESOME job of making it just what I needed. He got up early to go get me breakfast. I kind of ruined his surprise because I had gotten up early too but we enjoyed sitting down together for a nice conversation between the 2 of us. I got 2 very neat necklaces that I love. One is in the shape of a teardrop and has a mother holding the hands of 2 children and the other one is silver with a cameo pendant. I am also blessed to have a son with good taste. We had a very good lesson in SS and church. I think that is one of my favorite things to do on mothers say is to go to church with my Mom. Not that we don’t do this almost every Sunday it is just more special on her special day. It was just like old times at Sug’s house as she is home from the hospital. She looked good I just hope we didn’t wear her out. The noise was almost nice for a change. After lunch Hayden took me to Sonic to get something to drink. On the way back he asked if I wanted to go to the angel garden with him. Of course I did and we went out there and there really wasn’t a lot said or a lot that needed to be said. After a few minutes he put is arms around me and said “Happy Mothers Day”. He has been having a very difficult time so I know this was hard for him but it was so special to me and a moment that will never be forgotten. I can’t finish my story without telling you what Hayden wrote on the piece of paper he put in my necklace box. It said “Thank you for being an incredible mother, ….. From the luckiest boys in heaven and on earth.” Is that not the sweetest thing you have ever heard? I am the luckiest mother in the world! I would have done just about anything to have a hug from both of my children yesterday though. We got to spend some time with mom yesterday afternoon which was nice. We all go in so many directions now that we don’t sit down and just visit very often.

Saturday we had a senior party for Heather, J.W. and Dakota. It went great and I think the kids had a good time. I can’t believe they will be graduating this week. It makes me so sad! They will always be my babies.

I want to end with something that someone sent to me about mothers’ I loved it and wanted to share:

The Journey Of A Mother
For those who are fortunate enough to still be blessed by having
your Mom with you, this is beautiful...For those who aren't...
it is even more beautiful. It takes my breath!

The young mother set her foot on the path of life.
"Is this the long way?" she asked.
And the guide said "Yes, and the way is hard. And you
will be old before you reach the end of it. But the end
will be better than the beginning."
But the young mother was happy, and she would not
believe that anything could be better than these years.
So she played with her children, she fed them and bathed
them, and taught them how to tie their shoes and ride a
bike and reminded them to feed the dog, and do their
homework and brush their teeth. The sun shone on
them, and the young Mother cried,
"Nothing will ever be lovelier than this."
Then the nights came, and the storms, and the path
was sometimes dark, and the children shook with
fear and cold, and the mother drew them close and
covered them with her arms, and the children said,
"Mother, we are not afraid, for you are near,
and no harm can come."
And the morning came, and there was a hill ahead,
and the children climbed and grew weary, and the
mother was weary. But at all times she said to the children,
"A little patience and we are there." So the children climbed,
and as they climbed they learned to weather the storms.
And with this, she gave them strength to face the world.
Year after year, she showed them compassion,
understanding, hope, but most of all...unconditional love.
And when they reached the top they said,
"Mother, we would not have done it without you."
The days went on, and the weeks and the months and
the years, and the mother grew old and she became
little and bent. But her children were tall and strong,
and walked with courage. And the other, when she
lay down at night, looked up at the stars and said,
"This is a better day than the last, for my children
have learned so much and are now passing these
traits on to their children."
And when the way became rough for her, they lifted her,
and gave her their strength, just as she had given them hers.
One day they came to a hill, and beyond the hill, they could
see a shining road and golden gates flung wide.
And mother said: "I have reached the end of my journey.
And now I know the end is better than the beginning,
for my children can walk with dignity and pride,
with their heads held high, and so can their children
after them. And the children said, "You will always walk
with us, Mother, even when you have gone through the gates."
And they stood and watched her as she went on alone,
and the gates closed after her. And they said:
"We cannot see her, but she is with us still.
A Mother like ours is more than a memory.
She is a living presence."
Your Mother is always with you.
She's the whisper of the leaves as you walk down the
street, she's the smell of certain foods you remember,
flowers you pick and perfume that she wore, she's
the cool hand on your brow when you're not feeling well,
she's your breath in the air on a cold winter's day.
She is the sound of the rain that lulls you to sleep,
the colors of a rainbow, she is Christmas morning.
Your Mother lives inside your laughter.
And she's crystallized in every tear drop. A mother shows
every emotion .happiness, sadness, fear, jealousy,
love, hate, anger, helplessness, excitement, joy, sorrow...
and all the while, hoping and praying you will only
know the good feelings in life.
She's the place you came from, your first home,
and she's the map you follow with every step you take.
She's your first love, your first friend, even your first enemy,
but nothing on earth can separate you.
Not time, not space...not even death

I hope this is the beginning of a wonderful week for all of you.

Special prayer requests:

Jake-still fighting with all he has
Christal-has a bacterial infection www.christalinfo.com
Hayden-He is really struggling emotionally and physically right now.
Terry-someone who works with Jeff who just lost his son
Wanda and Dean-Her father, his grandfather passed away last week.

A very Proud Mother
Tina

Friday, May 12, 2006 11:11 AM CDT

I come today with not a whole lot to say but a whole lot on my mind. Since this will be my mothers day entry I don’t really won’t to whine so I will save that for another day. I can’t believe another Mother’s Day is here without Stanton. Tomorrow it will be 15 months since he earned his wings. That is so hard to type much less comprehend. Whoever said time heals all wounds must have meant lots and lots of time.

Before I start with my Mother’s Day wishes I have to tell you a story prompted by my entering work while being attacked by a bird. Yes, you read right, I was attacked by a bird. As I thought how funny this was it brought back a memory from the Grizzly House that I had pushed way back there. We were at the Grizzly House and Trish and Barney were there. We were all outside visiting and Stanton and Emma Grace were playing basketball. Stanton and Emma Grace came running over and Stanton gave us a detailed description about a bird getting him. He was so graphic it was hard not to believe him especially with his best friend telling the same story. We kind of laughed and thought yeah right. About that time the kids are screaming and we looked up and sure enough there was a bird trying to get them. That was it, it was daddy time so Big and Bad Barney and Jeff went to handle the bird situation. I don’t know how many times they got pecked, Barney more than Jeff because he bailed but it was hilarious to watch this little bird get the best of these big guys. Long story short we made the kids play somewhere else. Birds won! What an incredible memory. I had to call Trish and share and she could imitate Stanton’s excitement perfectly.

Mother’s Day; what a bittersweet day for me. I am and forever will be grateful to be the mother of the 2 greatest kids on this entire earth. Stanton who taught me so much during his short time with me. I love you little man! I miss you so very much, things just aren’t the same without you around. I know you are up there watching over me, I feel your presence often. I will continue to do everything in my power to honor your name and everything that you went through. Hayden-what can I say. You are amazing! I know things are tough right now and I am so very sorry. You are and always will be the love of my life and apple of my eye. I think that first’s hold a very special place in the hearts of their parents. I know you don’t feel like that now but I promise it is true. I am so very proud of the young man you have become, overcoming obstacles that no kid your age should have to do. I love you from the very bottom of my heart!

Here is a poem I copied out of Emma Grace’s guestbook and it is so appropriate:

A Mother's Day Wish From Heaven

Dear Mr. Hallmark,

I am writing to you from heaven, and though it must appear
A rather strange idea, I see everything from here.
I just popped in to visit, your stores to find a card
A card of love for my mother, as this day for her is hard.

There must be some mistake I thought, every card you could imagine
Except I could not find a card, from a child who lives in heaven.
She is still a mother too, no matter where I reside
I had to leave, she understands, but oh the tears she’s cried.

I thought that if I wrote you, that you would come to know
That though I live in heaven now, I still love my mother so.
She talks with me, and dreams with me; we still share laughter too,
Memories our way of speaking now, would you see what you could do?

My mother carries me in her heart, her tears she hides from sight.
She writes poems to honor me, sometimes far into the night
She plants flowers in my garden, there my living memory dwells
She writes to other grieving parents, trying to ease their pain as well.

So you see Mr. Hallmark, though I no longer live on earth
I must find a way, to remind her of her wondrous worth
She needs to be honored, and remembered too
Just as the children of earth will do.

Thank you Mr. Hallmark, I know you’ll do your best
I have done all I can do; to you I’ll leave the rest.
Find a way to tell her, how much she means to me
Until I can do it for myself, when she joins me in eternity.

Now for my other mothers: First of all Mom-I know I have not been the easiest to live with lately or probably most of my life for that matter but thank you for loving me no matter what. Thank you for always being there to listen even if I don’t like what you are going to say. Thank you for loving my children so much that you would do anything in the world for them. We are all so very blessed. Thank you for bringing me up in a home where God was always first in our lives and you and daddy lived this so that Jamie and I would have a strong Christian background. I am who I am today because of you and all you have done and sacrificied for me. I love you!

Debbie-my other mother, thank you for all you have done to support me and my family for the last 17 years. You always come through when I need anything and your support means the world. I couldn’t have asked for a better mother-in-law. I love you!

Mamaw Miller-I know I don’t see or talk to you as much as I should. I am so sorry. You are an absolutely amazing woman with a heart of gold. I can only hope that I as I grow older I can maintain the incredible attitude and the want to help others that you have. I know that it takes a spiritual leader for someone to love the Lord as much as my daddy does and I thank you for giving him that background. I love you.

Mamaw Anderson-All I can say to you is that I miss you so much and you better be giving Stanton all of your attention. We will all be together again one day.

Sug-You know that I consider you my grandmother as does most of the people in Minden my age. You too are amazing! You have been the role model wife, mom and grandmother for all of us. I am afraid there is only one Sug though. I am so blessed to be a part of your family. You have taught me so much about being a good Christian and a good person. Hope you are feeling better soon. I love you!

Jamie/Dana-Thanks for all you do each day to make my life more bearable. Thank you for sharing your children with me even knowing that there will be few boundaries when they are with me. My time with them is so very special.

Trish-My sister my best friend-What can I say? I love you! I am a different person having known you and I am so grateful for that. I never in my wildest dreams thought that our Mother’s Days would turn out like this. It was a journey I never hoped to travel together. You are the strongest person I know and you give me strength just talking to you. Thank you for your neverending friendship.
To all of the angel moms, Chasity, Cindy, Trish, Nancy, Tammy, Dawn, Janet, Jackie, and all of those who I forgot to mention; we have the toughest day of all on Sunday. Just remember that we are and always will be moms to these amazing children. Happy Mother’s Day.

To all of the St. Jude mom’s, Staci, Lynn, Beth Ann, Chris, Tonya, Ginger, Alisha, Brandi, and all of you who I have forgotten to mention; you have one of the hardest jobs on this earth. Taking care of these amazing kids is a full time job and your are to be commended on your never ending love and support. You give up so much. I promise you it is worth every minute and every dime. Keep on making the memories.

To all of the other mom’s reading this; Live each day as if it is your last. Love your kids not just today but everyday. Let them know how much you love them. They truly are a gift from God.

Thank you for all of the support and prayers offered on our behalf for the last 2 years. It means so much to us.

Happy Mother’s Day!
Tina

Thursday, May 11, 2006 11:28 AM CDT

Okay, so I am getting a little earlier. It seems at this moment that I may feel a little better today. It is about time. I am continuing with my breathing treatments just in case.

Yesterday remained uneventful after the car episode which was good because I was so tired. Hayden is feeling pretty crumby right now. He has had a sore throat for a while. I am afraid it is allergies but will keep following up with Lizzie.

I told you I had some good devotionals so today I will share one with you. It is for my “Grace for the Moment II”. Have I mentioned I love this little devotion book.

Isaiah 53:6

And we like sheep have gone astray; we have turned, every one to his own way; and the Lord has laid on Him the iniquity of all of us.

Following Our Own Path

Adam and Eve turned their heads toward the hiss of the snake and for the first time ignored God. Eve did not ask “God what do you want?” Adam didn’t suggest, “Let’s consult the Creator.” They acted as if they had no Heavenly Father. His will was ignored and sin with death on its coattails entered the world. Sin sees the world with no God in it.

Where we might think of sin as slip ups or mess ups, God sees sin as a godless attitude that leads to godless actions. “All of us have strayed away like sheep. We have left God’s path to follow our own.” The sinful mind dismisses God. His counsel goes unconsulted…

The lack of God-Centeredness leads to self-centeredness. Sin celebrates its middle letter sIn.

I liked this devotion because it was a reminder to me that following my path is NEVER a good idea. I am often asked about Stanton’s illness in relation to God. To me there is no correlation between God and Stanton’s illness. The correlation would be between the sin in the world which causes disease which is all caused by Satan. If I need someone to blame I blame Adam and Eve. I know I have often gone down my paths in life and not God’s and I have faced the consequences. I also know that there are many times I did choose to follow God’s path and how much easier that path was. Sometimes I just need to stop and listen to what God is trying to tell me before rushing into something on my own.

Hope you all enjoyed this devotion as much as I did.

Following God’s Lead
Tina

Wednesday, May 10, 2006 12:54 AM CDT

Today’s entry is late. I promise when I feel better to be back on a normal schedule. I did attempt to go to work and have made it here but am just resting up to go back home. I had a little car trouble so needless to say the morning was an experience that I did not need this morning. I am feeling a little better and rested the best I had in a while last night. Maybe this is the start of better things to come. Please continue to pray for me and my family as it can be very stressful for Jeff and Hayden when I am sick.

I have so many devotionals that I want to share but I am too tired to type them but I got this really neat “Letter from your Father” on my email and thought I would share. I love how it references the Bible verses so I can go in and read them in full.

My Child.
You may not know me, but I know everything about you... Psalm 139:1
I know when you sit down and when you rise up... Psalm 139:2
I am familiar with all your ways... Psalm 139:3
Even the very hairs on your head are numbered... Matthew 10:29-31

For you were made in my image... Genesis 1:27
In me you live and move and have your being... Acts 17:28
For you are my offspring... Acts 17:28
I knew you even before you were conceived... Jeremiah 1:4-5

I chose you when I planned creation... Ephesians 1:11-12
I determined the exact time of your birth and where you would live... Acts 17:26
You are fearfully and wonderfully made... Psalm 139:14
I knit you together in your mother's womb... Psalm 139:13

And brought you forth on the day you were born... Psalm 71:6
I have been misrepresented by those who don't know me... John 8:41-44
I am not distant and angry, but am the complete expression of love... 1 John 4:16
And it is my desire to lavish my love on you... 1 John 3:1

Simply because you are my child and I am your father... 1 John 3:1
I offer you more than your earthly father ever could... Matthew 7:11
For I am the perfect father... Matthew 5:48
Every good gift that you receive comes from my hand... James 1:17

For I am your provider and I meet all your needs... Matthew 6:31-33
My plan for your future has always been filled with hope... Jeremiah 29:11
Because I love you with an everlasting love... Jeremiah 31:3
My thoughts toward you are countless as the sand on the seashore... Psalm 139:17-18

And I rejoice over you with singing... Zephaniah 3:17
I will never stop doing good to you... Jeremiah 32:40
For you are my treasured possession... Exodus 19:5
I desire to establish you with all my heart and all my soul... Jeremiah 32:41

And I want to show you great and marvelous things... Jeremiah 33:3
If you seek me with all your heart, you will find me... Deuteronomy 4:29
Delight in me and I will give you the desires of your heart... Psalm 37:4
For it is I who gave you those desires... Philippians 2:13

I am able to do more for you than you could possibly imagine... Ephesians 3:20
For I am your greatest encourager... 2 Thessalonians 2:16-17
I am also the Father who comforts you in all your troubles... 2 Corinthians 1:3-4
When you are brokenhearted, I am close to you... Psalm 34:18

As a shepherd carries a lamb, I have carried you close to my heart... Isaiah 40:11
One day I will wipe away every tear from your eyes... Revelation 21:3-4
And I'll take away all the pain you have suffered on this earth... Revelation 21:3-4
I am your Father, and I love you even as I love my son, Jesus... John 17:23

For in Jesus, my love for you is revealed... John 17:26
He is the exact representation of my being... Hebrews 1:3
He came to demonstrate that I am for you, not against you... Romans 8:31
And to tell you that I am not counting your sins... 2 Corinthians 5:18-19

Jesus died so that you and I could be reconciled... 2 Corinthians 5:18-19
His death was the ultimate expression of my love for you... 1 John 4:10
I gave up everything I loved that I might gain your love... Romans 8:31-32
If you receive the gift of my son Jesus, you receive me... 1 John 2:23

And nothing will ever separate you from my love again... Romans 8:38-39
Come home and I'll throw the biggest party heaven has ever seen... Luke 15:7
I have always been Father, and will always be Father... Ephesians 3:14-15
My question is.Will you be my child?... John 1:12-13
I am waiting for you... Luke 15:11-32

Love, Your Dad. Almighty God

I read this and continue to be amazed at how much God loves me regardless of what I have done or the questions I have, HE LOVES ME!

Loved Unconditionally
Tina

Special Prayer request: Kendal’s sister, Julie had her gallbladder removed today. Julie and Micah have been so good to Hayden, we just want you to pray that her recovery will be fast.

Tuesday, May 9, 2006 11:26 AM CDT

Coming at you from the bed still. Sorry for the lack of updates but I have felt miserable! I am still coughing pretty bad but the main problem is my body is just exhausted. Please pray that this will be better as there is nothing worse for me than to sit at home idle all day.

As for the weekend, Hayden, Whittney and Coltan worked at the car show most of the day. Of course it rained all morning so the turn out was not what was hoped for but some people stil came out. I just hate Schelly works so hard for so long and the weather was so bad.

Prom went good for Hayden. I will put a picture on soon. He was pretty handsome and he and Kendall looked adorable together.

Sunday morning was Senior recognition day at church. I had 2 family memebers represented; a cousin, J.W. and my little brother (in-law), Dakota. I know it was a big deal for you guys to get up in front of the church and talk and I am so proud of both of you. I can't believe you are graduating. Dakota, it seems like just yesterday Jeff was using you as a girl magnet.

As I watched this group of seniors walk across the stage I thought of how proud their parents must be and how important of a roll these parents played in these children walking across that stage. How many seniors will I see at graduation that have no church to cal home and have a senior Sunday. Just a reminder how important it is that we keep God as the center of our lives including having a church home.

Last night was the Sports Award Banquet. I won't even go into detail of all the awards Dakota won but he did great. I loved listening to the coaches describe the kids as they have come to know them. They sure made them al sound like a good group of kids.

Mary Claire also received an award last night at the school board meeting. She had the most AR reading points in her school and was the youngest winner in the parish. It is quite an accomplishment to score the points she did as a kindergardner. Mary Claire, I am so proud of you as always. I love you this much!!!!!

I think that pretty much catches you up on our household. Thank you for your prayers and support.

In Him
Tina

Saturday, May 6, 2006 9:47 AM CDT

Surprise Suprise! I bet you never thought you would hear from me today. I am still trying to take it easy and the Albuterol obviously is not a sleep agent sinvce I was up all night. Feel a little better but stil have a fever so have a was to go.

I just had to write this morning to tell you about this realy neat kid I know. Just about the time you are ready to pich their heads off something happens and they turn into real human beings. Hayden was also not feeling great yesterday morning so I made him go to the doctor (part of the life of having lost a brother you get an OCD mother). When we got finished he went and picked up all my medicines, made sure I was is a sitting position so I cold breath better, just the little father hen (don't think that goes together)but oh well.

After he got home he said wanted to know what time Relay for Lfe was. I told him that we had told them we weren't coming and he wouldn't have it. He and Whittney rode to Arcadia to help out and Hayden spoke on my behalf. How cool is that from a 16 year old. Speaking of he and Whittney, they are at breakfast right now waiting on the rain to slack up so they can go back to the car show. Hayden is going to pull my weight one more time and say the opening prayer. Thank both of you for all you have doeto pick up my pieces this weekend. I can just see Stanton looking down telling EVERYONE "that is my bubby and Whit Whit".

Of course, I am so proud of Hayden but I feel just a little like a loser. Who in the world gets bronchitis in the middle of May? I have so much to do and the energy to do nothing.

I will feel you in on the rest of he details of the weekend later. Love you All!!!!!!!!

In Him
Tina

Friday, May 5, 2006 11:36 AM CDT

I bet O.H. is ready to get me! I guess the deal with having plans is that are always subject to change. I told you yesterday I was not feeling well, that got progressively worse as the day went on so I am coming to you today from bed. Thanks to my wonderful doctor (Lizzie) it is not from a hospital bed. I am having a very difficult time moving air in and out of my lungs because a severe case of bronchitis. I am on medicine and breathing treatments every 4 hours. My oxygen saturations were terrible. She even made me lay down so I couldn't try to fake it. So, no relay for life tonight. The rest of the weekend is still up in the air but probably the same of what I am doing today. Hayden will still be able to work the car show. I sure hope the weather gets better. Better update later!

Leaning on Him
Tina

Thursday, May 4, 2006 11:38 AM CDT

UGHHHHHH! I feel horrible! I am just about finished with my antibiotics so the bad news is whatever this crud is it must be viral and has to run it’s course which at this point has been almost a week. The good news is my throat is not so sore all day because at one point it hurt so bad that my tongue hurt. Now that is serious pain! The cough is set in which means little sleep which leads to exhaustion. Okay okay I will quit complaining.
Thank you all who have once again contacted Senator Vitter. I refuse to give up on him and any support is great. The more he hears from us the better. I do have a meeting set up with the lady in his Shreveport office in the morning.
I told you yesterday we had a big weekend ahead of us which is another reason I don’t need to be sick. Friday night I will be in Arcadia speaking at the Relay for Life. Just another opportunity for me to share Stanton’s story. Many of Hayden’s friends will also be there helping in any way that they can. Saturday is the St. Jude Car Show in Minden in memory of Stanton. This is a really neat event that Schelly Brown works so hard on so if you get the chance Saturday and are in the area come by and see all of the neat cars. I will be saying the opening prayer and once again having kids to help me sell the Stanton prints and t-shirts. The weather is not supposed to be great but I hope that changes. Hayden has prom Saturday night and he and Kendall are going to look so cute. Her dress is gourgeous and of course he is gong to be so handsome in his tux. I will put pictures on here if I can. Then Sunday is Senior recognition day at church and I have a brother (in-law), niece and cousin that are graduating this year so that will be a big day. They make me feel so old.
There is a song by Matthew West that I have heard and love and after much searching have found the lyrics for you:
There is no guilt here
There is no shame
No pointing fingers
There is no blame
What happened yesterday
has disappeared
The dirt has washed away
And now it's clear
There's only grace
There's only love
There's only mercy
And believe me it's enough
Your sins are gone
Without a trace
There's nothing left now
There's only grace
You're starting over now
Under the sun
You're stepping forward now
A new life has begun
Your new life has begun
There's only grace
There's only love
There's only mercy
And believe me it's enough
Your sins are gone
Without a trace
There's nothing left now
There's only grace
And if you should fall again
Get back up, get back up
Reach out and take my hand
Get back up, get back up
Get back up again
Get back up again
There's only grace
There's only love
There's only mercy
And believe me it's enough
Your sins are gone
Without a trace
There's nothing left now
There's only grace
There's only mercy
And believe me it's enough
Your sins are gone
Without a trace
There's nothing left now
There's only grace
So get back up, get back up again
I am so thankful for God’s grace, mercy and most of all His forgiveness.

By His Grace Alone
Tina

Wednesday, May 3, 2006 10:21 AM CDT

Okay, middle of the week, YEAH! It has been a very busy week at work with month end so I am ready for the weekend which will leave no room for rest but I will share about that in a minute.

Group went really well last night. I didn’t feel quite the inadequacy I felt the week before. There was one special person to me who didn’t talk much so I am a little worried about her so I am sure she could use a special prayer. We didn’t really talk about specific things just a lot in general. That is one thing that is so great about this group is that you can talk about your child and your loss and nobody judges you for it. They instead wrap you up in support.

I also got an email yesterday from a prayer warrior that is also in need of some special prayer. I hate that I can’t mention names but I don’t want to do that without their permission.

I also go some exciting news the last couple of days. I had 2 more Louisiana Representatives sign on to House Resolution 323. A BIG thank you to Rep. Baker and Rep. Boustany for your support. Now for the support that I am missing, which is crucial because I want everyone from La. signed up before I go back to Washington in June. I am missing 2 Representatives; Rep. Melancon from the 3rd district (I have talked to a representative in his D.C. office who has the packet and the pictures) and Rep. Jim McCreary. I have not gotten a chance to meet with him personally, but it is not because I haven’t tried. This is something that really needs to happen because he represents the district that I live in. So if you are from one of these districts or even if you are not you can contact these representatives and ask them to co-sponsor House Resolution 323 regarding Childhood Cancer Research funding. I have learned that you will not get a canned response like you did from the Senator. Which brings me to my next subject. After all of the letters and email Senator Vitter has still decided not to sign up to co-sponsor the Conquer Childhood Cancer Act of 2006. I am still working on a face to face meeting but again very difficult. So, please continue to bombard him with emails so he knows that we are very serious about this and are not just going to walk away. I will keep fighting for this signature until he looks me in the face and tells me no.

Now to something that was shared with us in group last night:

I said, “God I Hurt.” And God said, “I know.”

I said, “God I cry a lot.” And God said, “That is why I gave you tears.”

I said, “God I am so depressed.” And God said, “That is why I gave you sunshine.”

I said, “God life is so hard.” And God said, “That is why I gave you loved ones.”

I said, “God, my loved one died.” And God said, “So did mine.”

I said, “God, it is such a loss.” And God said, “I saw mine nailed to a cross.”
I said, “God but your loved one lives.” And God said “So does yours.”

I said, “God where are they now?” And God said, “Mine is on my right and yours ins in the Light.”

I said, “God it hurts” And God said, “I know”

How touching this was to me and what a reminder that God does know exactly how I feel. Not only does He know how I feel, He chose to feel that way. He chose to send His Son to die so that we might live. I know that as much as I hurt, God hurts with me. I know that as many tears as I have shed God has caught each and every one of them. I also know that as I continue to hurt and shed tears God will continue to hurt and cath those tears.

Thank you all for your support in all that you do for me and my family.

Hurting Still
Tina

Tuesday, May 2, 2006 11:12 AM CDT

Well it is official, I am healed! Okay, just of one of my many problems but I will take it. My wound care doctor this morning released me. I still have to be careful as the wound is still very delicate but no more Tuesday mornings in the doctors office. I have been going every Tuesday for 4 months. I told them I should have had a party. So, one year after my surgery I am healed. Mrs. Gail was quick to point out that this was just one of my regular appointments that I have been released from (ha ha). It is great to have such a support system. Her and mom had been after me for months to go to this doctor so I know they are basking in their wisdom this morning.

Shug is still having a good deal of trouble in the hospital. I know they decreased some of her meds so she is in much more pain. They did finally find some blood to give her which I hope helps her energy and her spirits a little. So please keep her in your prayers.

Don’t forget about Katie and her sisters. I know yesterday and today will be very difficult but the most difficult days are yet to come.

Someone put this alphabet on the guestbook and it was too good not to share:

The Holy Alphabet... This is Beautiful
Although things are not perfect
Because of trial or pain
Continue in thanksgiving
Do not begin to blame
Even when the times are hard
Fierce winds! are bound to blow
God is forever able
Hold on to what you know
Imagine life without His love
J oy would cease to be
Keep thanking Him for all the things
Love imparts to thee
Move out of "Camp Complaining"
No weapon that is known
On earth can yield the power
Praise can do alone
Quit looking at the future
Redeem the time at hand
Start every day with worship
To "thank" is a command
Until we see Him coming
Victorious in the sky
We'll run the race with gratitude
X alting God most high
Y es, there'll be good times and yes some will be bad, but...
Z ion waits in glory...where none are ever sad!

This is incredible and what a reminder of how things should be. I am so thankful to love a God who is so powerful and mighty and waits for me at home.

Praising through the Storm
Tina

Monday, May 1, 2006 10:19 AM CDT

Well, I guess it is the start of another new month and there really isn't anything I can do about it. You all know how I do not like new months and that has not really changed. Of course, my heart is still very heavy this morning for our friend Katie and her 2 younger sisters. Today is Katie's 21st birthday. I cannot even begin to imagine how she is feeling today. I know that she and her sisters will overcome this because of the strong foundation in God that both their mother and father instilled but I can assure you that does not make the pain go away or lessen in any way. Please stop by and wish her Happy Birthday www.caringbridge.org/tn/christi You all know how much those guestbook entries will mean to them.

After I found out about Katie's dad I went in the den to look at the handprint plaque she has made for Stanton. I couldn't help but remember the first time we met Katie and her mom and the next time they came back but Katie couldn't come. They came to paint tiles to give to the Relay For Life Sponsors. The ladies were all so sweet and the teenagers they brought with them were all equally as sweet but Stanton took to Katie immediately. Of course he got to do whatever he wanted and paint as many tiles as he wanted. I will never forget Katie writing and telling us that she had kept one of Stanton's tiles to put up in her dorm room to remind her of why she picked her major (child life). I also remember her mom coming back the next year with a tile for Stanton. He loved it but would have rather had Katie there. When I first learned of Mrs. Christi's illness I thought about how much she had done for cancer and to fight cancer only to end up with cancer and ultimately lose her life to this terrible disease. Katie remained strong and faithful throughout her mom's illness and death and I never doubted that Mrs. Christi and Stanton were looking down at how proud they were of her. Now after losing her father I cannot begin to imagine her pain. Once again though I know they are looking down and are all so proud of Katie and her sisters.

Someone emailed me about Katie and the loss of her father and how could God let this happen? I do not have the answer to that. I wish I did. It is the same old question, Why do bad things happen to good people? I don't know why but I know they happen. When I opened my Bible looking for answers I came upon 2 verses that I have obviously turned to in the past because they were highlited with notes beside them. They don't really answer the question but give some peace even when we don't understand.

Proverbs 3:34
God resists the proud. But gives grace to the humble.

1 Peter 5:6-7

Therefore humble yourselves under the mighty hand of God, that He may exalt you in due time, casting all your cares upon Him, for He cares for you.

The second verse is one of my favorites although I struggle with obeying it.

Special Prayer requests: Shug is in rehab still having a pretty rough time. Brent www.caringbridge.org/ms/brent had an MRI this morning, pray for no cancer. Jake is still in the hospital. Katie and her sisters.

Trying to give Him all my worries
Tina

Saturday, April 29, 2006 9:49 PM CDT

I know this is a weekend and I typically skip journaling on the weekend but I come to you tonight with a VERY heavy heart. I have told the story before of a young girl who we fell in love with at the RMH during a Relay for Life event. She is in college and after we met her she lost her mom to cancer (April 15 2005). I just got a message to check her site and her father passed away unexpectedly last night, one year and 14 days after her mother. Katie has 2 sisters one in college and one in high school. This young woman has been so amazing and a huge source of inspiration to me in her faith even as young as she is. I cannot begin to imagine her pain right now and wish i could be there just to hold her. Please stop by her mom's site and let her know that Stanton's warriors are for her during this difficult time. www.caringbridge.org/tn/christi. I know they will love to hear from all of you.

Completely heartbroken
Tina

Friday, April 28, 2006 10:25 AM CDT

TGIF! I don’t know why, I have no big plans for the weekend. It is supposed to rain so the house building is still on hold. Jeff will be working. I think Jamie and I are going to go do some house decorating shopping which will be fun, especially if Memaw and Pepaw take the girls to a movie (hint hint).

Sug is still in the hospital in a great deal of pain. Jeff has not been able to go by there because he is working so much so he feels bad. I am just now feeling like I don’t have a bug that I will give her so we haven’t seen her just talked to her and everyone else that is up there.

Once again, I am just taking it one day at a time. Last night I had a meltdown just needing to hold Stanton again so very bad. Sometimes it still seems so unreal. One day I will realize that I am not going to wake up from this nightmare.

I had a couple of emails yesterday that were great for me to hear and the advise was just what I needed. Thank you so much.

I found the lyrics to a song I wanted to share:

I have been there Mark Schultz
In a room without a view, a new mother smiles and holds
the tiny fingers of her brand new baby girl.
Her husband takes her by the hand, so unsure about the future
have no money can they make it in this world?
And they pray, Lord all we have to give is love
then they heard a gentle voice like an echo from above,

I have been there. I know what fear is all about.
Yes, I have been there and I’m standing with you now.
I have been there
And I came to build the bridge oh so this road could lead you home.
Oh I have been there.

He’s been a pastor twenty years
but tonight he sits alone and broken hearted in the corner of the church
He tried to change a fallen world
with his words and with his wisdom but it seems like it is only getting worse
And he cries, Oh Lord I just don’t understand
Then he felt the hand of grace, and he heard a voice that said

I have been there, I know what pain is all about
yes I have been there, and I’m standing with you now
I have been there, and I came to build a bridge
oh so this road could lead you home
oh I have been there.

An older man up on a hill
holding flowers but he can’t hold back the tears.
oh he has come to say goodbye.
he thinks about the life she lived,
thinks about how hard it’s been to live without her
sixty years right by his side
and he cries, oh Lord I loved her till the end
and he heard a gentle voice say you’ll see her once again

I have been there
I know what sorrow’s all about
yes I have been there and I’m standing with you now
I have been there, and I came to build a bridge
oh so this road could lead her home, the road could lead her home
oh I have been there, You know I overcame the cross, yes I have been there
so her life would not be lost
oh I have been there, and I came to build
a bridge so this road could lead you home
the road could lead you home

Thankful for the Bridge
Tina

Thursday, April 27, 2006 10:51 AM CDT

One more rough day. I don’t why I expected any different. As hard as group was Tuesday night I should have known my individual session would be equally as tough. There are still so many days when I struggle to comprehend Stanton’s death. I am pretty sure I will never comprehend it. There will always be a void in my life that I will not be able to cover up.

Last night Jamie and I hosted a jewelry party. Not as many people came as we had hoped but it was fun to kind of have a girls night out. It’s nights like those that I can tend to be “normal” again. Thank you to all who came. It was as much about the socializing for me as the jewelry.

I enjoyed getting to play with my nieces for a little while before the party. They are both abosolutely adorable. Mary Claire is growing up so very fast and that Elynn Kate, lets just say they are going to have their hands full. She has “little Stanton” written all over her.

Sug is in a great deal of pain right now. I just talked to her on the phone and she sounded pretty miserable. I hate that she is hurting. I think they are looking for blood to give her. I know she needed it but that had none that matched. I know the blood supplies are at critically low states so if you get a chance that is a great way to give of yourself, donate blood.

As for Jeff and his work, the shut down should end soon and he will go back to regular hours. I know he is exhausted.

Hayden started spring football and it was obvious when I saw him last night. He had bruises and scratches everywhere. I have no idea how that can be fun but he loves it. He is starting to wind down things at school. I know he is ready for the summer.

My journals lately have not been my typical journals. That would be because I have not really been myself lately. I think you all understand. In my Grace for the Moment II this morning the topic was “Thank You’s”. It kind of hit me over the head because I have to admit I have not been telling God thank you like I usually do. Why? Not really sure. I think I am really struggling with just trying not to be angry which I know is a typical reaction and God can handle it, it is just not what I want to feel. I do have so much to be thankful for and I never forget that, it just seems like lately I have gotten caught up in what I don’t have rather than what I do. The most important thing is even though we have been broken I still have an amazing family. Jeff and Hayden are the biggest blessings of my life at this point. I have a wonderful mother, father, sister, nieces, nephews, in-laws, I think you understand. So I want to say Thank you God for all that you have blessed me with.

I continue to thank you for your words of encouragement. You guys are GREAT! You will al know you have made the difference in a very sad mother.

Being Thankful today
Tina

Wednesday, April 26, 2006 9:57 AM CDT

Another day down! I had one very big accomplishment, I cleaned off my desk at work. Not that there is any less on it, it is just in one big pile so now I have just one place to look for stuff.

Talk about go separate directions after work, that is what we did last night. Actually Jeff did not get off of work until late, I went to my group counseling and Hayden went to Kendall’s ring ceremony. She got her senior ring last night. I really wanted to go but these things on Tuesday nights just won’t work in my schedule for a few more weeks. We all managed a good night at the end of the evening. I am not really fond of nights like those.

As for me my day was pretty dreary. I don’t do well in the rainy weather. Before my group I went to a friends house and spent some time visiting with her. Lori-thanks for letting me come hang out for a little while. I love having you as a friend who will let me come and just talk if I need to. Love you bunches!

As for my session last night, let’s just say that it was very emotional for me. My need for perfection and grief collided and I think the grief won. I love everyone in the group and we all have such different stories but share the same pain. Last night was show and tell and we got to show pictures and tell stories about our child. It was really hard for me to put a face with the names of these children we have been talking about the last few weeks. Hit me very hard. Then we got into a conversation about our feelings about our childs death and the why’s and what if’s. Some where angry at themselves, most had something they would have done differently. I just sat there mad because I has noone to be mad at. I wanted to be mad at someone because Stanton died even if it was myself. I knew that was preposterous because I had done everything I could have done for him. I couldn’t be mad at St. Jude or the doctors, they to had given it their all. So as it ended I have yet to find someone to be mad at. So if you happen to be a part of my life and I seem to get mad easily, remember I am looking for something to be mad about. We talked about regrets and again, I had none and then I thought again. I will forever remember that as my child died I was laying next to him asleep. What good mother goes to sleep when their child is going to die. Granted, this is crazy thinking because we had no idea Stanton would die that night but that is one regret I have. What if I had stayed awake?

Thank you all so much for all of the journal entries. I had so much fun reading them and knowing you all were still out there and not tired of listening to me ramble.

Someone had asked me before about the “Pennies from Heaven” that I have mentioned before and someone actually sent it to me again so I can share it again. Mary Claire and I love to find pennies when we are out and about. We sure don’t leave them laying on the ground anymore.

The Penny

Remember this every time you pass that little penny in the parking lot.
I always thought that it was for Good Luck, but I love this version better:

I found a penny today
Just laying on the ground.
But it's not just a penny,
this little coin I've found.

Found pennies come from heaven,
That's what my Grandpa told me.
He said Angels toss them down.
Oh, how I loved that story.

He said when an Angel misses you,
They toss a penny down.
Sometimes just to cheer you up,
To make a smile out of your frown.

So, don't pass by that penny,
When you're feeling blue. It may be a penny from heaven,
that an Angel's tossed to you.

I must say I love this and do think of Stanton every time I find a penny. Please continue to keep our family in your prayers as well as all of the St. Jude babies still fighting the fight.

Being Carried
Tina

Tuesday, April 25, 2006 11:09 AM CDT

Okay, so it is a rainy dreary day here. It actually just started raining but it is very dark outside. I have asked my daddy to start praying for sunshine now. He just laughed and said his grass still needed water.

I felt a little better yesterday, but not as good as I had hoped. Now I am just WIPED OUT! I hate feeling this way. Yuck!

Jeff is working very long hours this week. He has been at work since 2 this morning. Please pray that he will stay safe while at work and while traveling back and forth.

Sug is still in surgery as far as I know. I also found out another special prayer warrior is having knee surgery today as well so say a special prayer for her.

Just checked on Jake and seems like they are still in continued need of prayer. This whole family amazes me with their incredible spirit. I know how frustrating it is for them but they never seem to let it show and that is what Jake needs the most.

I read a devotional this morning about “Perfect Peace”. When I read the title my first thought was, is there such a thing? This is something that I struggle with daily, finding that peace. Although I am blessed beyond words there is still something missing. I know a huge part of it is Stanton but there still seems to be more to the story than what has gone on so far. I pray daily that God will guide me and that I will have the wisdom to not only listen but do what He asks. I know that if I do God will send a confirmation that is incredible. So many times it is easier to question God and where He wants us than to just obey. It is the blessed privilege of every Christian to walk according to the direction of the Holy Spirit. If we are quiet before Him and listen, we can often hear His gentle voice guiding us down the right path, one that brings us closer to Him.

So is there such a thing as perfect peace? I would say yes, if you heed to God’s will and let Him lead your journey you can and will find perfect peace!

I checked the guestbook this morning and 3 people had signed in 4 days. Now either no one is reading or no one is taking the time to sign. Your words of encouragement mean so much to me please just stop by and say hi so that I know you are still out there. I don’t want to bore anyone if nobody is listening.

Looking for my Perfect Peace
Tina

Monday, April 24, 2006 11:49 AM CDT

I’m a little late getting updated today. I have a good reason though; I am not feeling so well. I got up yesterday morning feeling horrible and stayed in bed all day. I managed to get to work today but still feel pretty miserable. It actually feels like the flu but not quite as bad.

We had a great weekend up until yesterday. Jeff and I spent Friday evening with a very dear friend of ours (I actually consider him my extra son) Jeremy. His wife was in a wedding rehearsal so we enjoyed catching up on all that is going on in his world. He is one kid that I am so very proud of. He has overcome so many obstacles to become a wonderful young man.

Saturday Jeff got called to work early which is where he spent all day. I had several errands to run. We ordered Hayden’s tux for prom. He is going to be so handsome. That evening Hayden, Kendall and I went up to the lake where Jamie and Scotty were camping. We had a good time playing with the girls and visiting with Jamie and Scotty. Hayden and Kendall actually went swimming but I think it was still pretty cold. Those nieces of mine are something else. Each one is so very unique in their own special way. Elynn Kate reminds me so much of Stanton in the things that she does and says. All I can say is Jamie has her hands full.

Yesterday was miserable for me but I caught up on all the TV I missed last week in between naps. Jeff worked at the new house all day. Hayden went to the Kenny Chesney concert last night. He said he had fun but I really haven’t had a chance to talk to him long.

I did make it to work today but I am not sure how long I will make it. Please just pray this goes away quickly.

One of my favorite people in the world is having knee replacement surgery tomorrow and I would like everyone to remember her in prayer. Sug, Jeff’s grandmother and the rock of their family will have surgery tomorrow morning. I know that she prays for each and every prayer request that I have ever had so I would like to return the favor. She is a lady who means so much to so many and has taught us all a lot about God, love and life. Sug, I love you and will be praying for you as always.

In Him
Tina

Friday, April 21, 2006 11:03 AM CDT

Okay, where to start? I act like I have a ton of important information to share. Not true just some amusing stories.

Still having a pretty rough time getting a grip on things. Missing Stanton terribly. Meltdown on the way to work this morning. Really hard to understand.

Work was okay. I actually have been pretty productive this week. I know everyone around here is glad.

I went to see the house last night and if I had not been forewarned I probably would have lay down and cried. It looks so small. I told Jeff they were ripping us off. He got quite a laugh about it last night and assured me they knew what they were doing.

Then I took some stuff to mom’s and visited with them for a while. It is not often we just get to sit and talk without kids running around and daddy not having the TV blaring. When I got ready to leave Daddy said I think I felt a drop of rain. I of course said no you didn’t we don’t want it to rain. He said, “Okay I will pray for rain and you pray for no rain and let’s see who God listens to”. Well since the sky was black I wasn’t about to take him up on a prayer war not to mention he has Stanton on his side. Mom and I got tickled when I said “I can just imagine Stanton in heaven with a bucket saying ‘my weenie needs rain’ and God catching it as fast as he could saying ‘but your mommy does not’. If this would be any indication of how Stanton is working heaven he won. It did rain but there was also a lot of thunder and lightning so God didn’t give into him to easily.

I know you probably think I am crazy talking about things like this happening in heaven but there are times when I just have to sit and imagine what Stanton is doing. What do you do when you live in your eternal home and it is perfect? I will find out one day but until then I will have to keep imagining Stanton and his mischievous self up there having a blast. The song “I Can Only Imagine” came on the radio on my way to work this morning (which prompted the meltdown) which pretty much sums up what I think of heaven. I can only imagine what I will do is forever to worship Him.

The boys were both umpiring ballgames so I had the house to myself. I actually did a little cleaning before I laid down to rest. We have tivo where you can record live TV. It also will record programs that it thinks you will watch. Last night as I was changing the channels to watch the news the TV starts changing channels and recording a rodeo and some NASCAR event. I let out a laugh, turned the TV back to my channel and just remembered who always had control of the TV. It is these small reminders that make me realize Stanton is never very far. Oh how I miss my baby.

I wanted to beat Trish to the Grace for the Moment II devotional today but I left it at home so I am going to summarize it for you:

During an African safari the guide was walking along using a machete to cut his way through the grass and brush when one of the travelers asked “Do you know where we are going? Where is the path?” To which the guide responded “I am the path”.

This is how God is. He knows our paths. He may or may not let us know what that path might be. He might give us clues or might not fill us in at all. But He knows. If he were to tell us where we were and where we were going would we know what to do with it? Most likely not. We must continue to trust that His path is the best path and follow it wherever He may lead. He will not let us go the wrong way.

Many special prayer requests that will purposely go unnamed just know they are there.

Not wanting to know my future path
Tina

Thursday, April 20, 2006 11:15 AM CDT

Not much to report today. Yesterday seemed a little better with a few less tears. Busy busy at work which seems to help during the day.

I got the chance to visit with 2 very dear friends yesterday. Not that I don’t talk to them often, it just seems that yesterday the conversations were exactly what I needed. The first one who will remain nameless has recently turned 22 (or so Hayden says). She gave me the laugh that I needed to start my day and the encouragement I needed at the end of the day.

The other friend was Trish and for those of you who read her journals you know she always knows what to say. Somedays there are times when we call but seem to talk about very little. You see, we have this bond that we share that no parent wants to share and it sometimes very difficult to even speak much less find something meaningful to speak about. Last night was one of those nights that was different. I think she called for some encouragement and instead she was the encourager. She has always been the strongest of the 2. I did get to fuss about her stealing my devotional about only having one chance to shine and to use it wisely. We talked for a good while and through the tears I felt better. I wish more than anything this is not a path that we would have had to walk together but I am grateful that she is willing to walk beside me, hold my hand, and just listen when need be. Most of the time listening is all I need from anyone. She knows she can’t fix my pain nor can I fix hers but together we can accomplish more than apart. Trish my sister-I love you more than I can write on this journal. For over 3 years now you have been there for me and I can never thank you enough for continuing to be my bestest friend. We will get through this, I know we can!

I am going to share another email that I am sure I have shared before but this time I am going to add my comments. Aren’t you all lucky.

Give people more than they expect and do it cheerfully. (giving is probably the most rewarding thing I do these days. Be it buying presents for my nieces or giving my time I have found that there is great joy in not only doing this but doing it with a smile. You would be surprised at the response I got for buying a man a 25 cent can of soda at the convience store when he least expected it. He smiled and I responded with “Hope you have a nice day”. I know my day was better because of it.)

Marry a man/woman you love to talk to. As you get older, their conversational skills will be as important as any other. (I guess Jeff and I have spent enough time together in 4 walls if we couldn’t hold a conversation we would have been in trouble a long time ago)

When you say, "I love you," mean it. (this is not a statement I take lightly. We have learned through the years that this is not said enough to those you really love. My biggest example is my parents. I know I did not tell them I loved them enough and now everytime I talk to them or almost everytime they hear I love you. I also hear those words from them as well. Oh how it feels to be truly loved)

When you say, "I'm sorry," look the person in the eye. (Unfortunately we all make mistakes and have to apologize. I must say I have a hard time with this but if you can’t look them in the eye you must not really mean it.)

Believe in love at first sight.

Never laugh at anyone's dream. People who don't have dreams don't have much. (I have learned that dreams can come true. Don’t be afraid to dream and reach for those dreams. If you reach for the moon and fail you will still land among the stars)

Love deeply and passionately. You might get hurt but it's the only way to live life completely. (What a lesson we have learned. The more you love the more it hurts if they leave. I wouldn’t have loved Stanton any less knowing what I know now. I would rather hurt more now than to not have loved Stanton as much as I did)

Talk slowly but think quickly. (Okay talking slowly is not an attribute of mine but thinking quickly is. The 2 most often do not go well together. Things come out of my mouth before they filter through my brain. Not good!)

When someone asks you a question you don't want to answer, smile and ask, "Why do you want to know?" (Not know the answer, not an option!!)

Remember that great love and great achievements involve great risk. (Again, reach for the moon even if you fail you will land among the stars. One of Allie’s sayings that I love is “Don’t let your nightmares overcrowd your dreams” What a lesson from such a young heart.)

When you lose, don't lose the lesson. (Okay, another one that I may have a problem with. Just remembering that there are lessons in everything we do.)

Remember the three R's: Respect for self; Respect for others; and responsibility for all your actions. (Speaks for itself. Yes, kind of like all of the others I have insisted on commenting on.)

Don't let a little dispute injure a great friendship. (Unfortunately this has happened to me and no matter what I do or say the friendship is still lost.)

Smile when you are picking up the phone. The caller will hear it in your voice. (I love to do this at work. My boss usually wonders what I am up to)

Spend some time alone. (not enough can be said about my alone time. I most often spend in with God in prayer or devotional time but without it I could not make it through each day)

Are you tired of hearing me ramble. Sorry!

Please continue to keep Jake in your prayers. He is continuing to baffle the doctors with his condition. Don’t forget about Staci. She has got to be exhausted.

Loving my friends
Tina

Wednesday, April 19, 2006 9:58 AM CDT

It is going to be a better day. I was working on convincing myself of this when a phone call on the way to work had me laughing hysterically. I knew then that it had to be a good day. I then got to work and had emails from a couple of faithful prayer warriors, one that I will share, that really helped to lift me to my feet. I think you all underestimate what your thoughts and prayers mean to me.

After work yesterday I got the wonderful opportunity to go with Kendall (Hayden’s girlfriend) and her mom and sister to pick out her prom dress. These are the times when I know I needed a girl. Julie and I had a blast. Mrs. Karen on the other hand got to do exactly what she wanted, sit there and approve or disapprove. The lady in the store said she thought that this was a first. The dates mom never comes with the girl to pick out a dress. She didn’t know that Kendall has come into our family and fit in just like she belongs and that her family was great enough to invite me to come along. Girls, I know it was short and sweet but I had a great time. Thank you for letting me be a part.

My group last night went well. Next week we get to bring pictures and I can’t wait to share them.

They did start on the house. I will get to go see tonight.

The email I wanted to share:

The necklace

The cheerful little girl with bouncy golden curls was
almost five. Waiting with her mother at the checkout stand, she saw
them, a circle of glistening white pearls in a pink foil box. "Oh mommy
please, Mommy. Can I have them? Please, Mommy, please?"

Quickly the mother checked the back of the little foil box and
then looked back into the pleading blue eyes of her little girl's
upturned face.

"A dollar ninety-five. That's almost $2.00. If you really want
them, I'll think of some extra chores for you and in no time you can
save enough money to buy them for yourself. Your birthday's only a week away and you might get another crisp dollar bill from Grandma."
As soon as Jenny got home, she emptied her penny bank and
counted out 17 pennies. After dinner, she did more than her share of
chores! And she went to the neighbor and asked Mrs. McJames if she could pick dandelions for ten cents. On her birthday, Grandma did give her another new dollar bill and at last she had enough money to buy the necklace.

Jenny loved her pearls. They made her feel dressed up and grown
up. She wore them everywhere, Sunday school, kindergarten, even to bed.
The only time she took them off was when she went swimming or had a
Bubble bath. Mother said if they got wet, they might turn her neck green.

Jenny had a very loving daddy and every night when she was ready
for bed, he would stop whatever he was doing and come upstairs to read her a story. One night as he finished the story, he asked Jenny, "Do you love me?"

"Oh yes, daddy. You know that I love you." "Then give me your pearls."
"Oh, daddy, not my pearls. But you can have Princess, the white horse from my collection, the one with the pink tail. Remember, daddy?
The one you gave me. She's my very favorite."

"That's okay, Honey, daddy loves you. Good night." And he brushed
her cheek with a kiss. About a week later, after the story time, Jenny's daddy asked again, "Do you love me?" "Daddy, you know I love you."

"Then give me your pearls." "Oh Daddy, not my pearls. But you can have my baby doll. The brand new one I got for my birthday. She is beautiful and you can have the yellow blanket that matches her sleeper."

"That's okay. Sleep well. God bless you, little one. Daddy loves
you." And as always, he brushed her cheek with a gentle kiss.

A few nights later when her daddy came in, Jenny was sitting on
her bed with her legs crossed Indian style. As he came close, he noticed her chin was trembling and one silent tear rolled down her cheek "What is it, Jenny? What's the matter?"

Jenny didn't say anything but lifted her little hand up to her daddy. And when she opened it, there was her little pearl necklace. With a little quiver, she finally said, "Here, daddy; this is for you."

With tears gathering in his own eyes, Jenny's daddy reached out
with one hand to take the dime store necklace, and with the other hand
he reached into his pocket and pulled out a blue velvet case with a
strand of genuine pearls and gave them to Jenny.

He had them all the time. He was just waiting for her to give up
the dime-store stuff so he could give her the genuine treasure. So it
is, with our Heavenly Father. He is waiting for us to give up the cheap
things in our lives so that he can give us beautiful treasures.

Isn't God good? Are you holding onto things that God wants
You to let go of? Are you holding on to harmful or unnecessary
partners, relationships, habits and activities that you have come so
attached to that it seems impossible to let go? Sometimes it is so hard
to see what is in the other hand but do believe this one thing.
God will never take away something without giving you something
better in its place.

I know I am holding on to plenty that God wants from me. I also know that in time I will be able to hand my string of pearls to him. Please continue to pray that I will have the strength to do this when the time is right.

Trying to let go
Tina

Tuesday, April 18, 2006 11:03 AM CDT

After reading my sister, Trish’s update I feel a little better than I have. She and I have talked long and hard about this whole grieving thing and even our two heads can’t seem to figure it out. What we have figured out is it is VERY hard, we have figured out that there is some reason God left us here and we better figure it out and take care of it.

Yesterday was one more difficult emotional day. I don’t want to get into it because it is just to detailed.

I did get to go watch Mary Claire play softball and she did great. She ran so fast one time that she ran out of her shoe. She really is growing up to fast. I was going to help Scotty coach but it just didn’t work in my schedule with Hayden, counseling and everything else I have going on.

The wound doctor said this morning that it looks like we finally have the wound closed up. He did some stuff to it and I don’t have to go back for 2 weeks unless it opens back up. YEAH!!!!!!!!!!!!! One year after surgery the wound is completely healed.

They are starting on our house today. Talked about a bag of mixed emotions. I am very excited and we have waited for weeks once we finally had the plans in place but unfortunately there are more than excited emotions. I will just listen to Trish on this aspect of it and take each moment and emotion as it comes.

Jake is still in need of many prayers so please keep those coming for him.

Trying to take it one Moment at a time
Tina

Monday, April 17, 2006 11:06 AM CDT

Hello, it is negative Nellie again. I don’t know what has gotten into me but I am in a place I don’t like and can’t seem to get out. I know it is possible I have been here before but for now I am miserable.

I wish I could tell you about a fun filled weekend but that would be an untruth. I think last year I was still in such a daze that maybe that is why this year was so hard. I really don’t know. I have tried so hard to rationalize it and maybe it is just not rationalizable (how about that for a word). The one fact remains the same, my baby is not here and it is terribly hard watching everyone else especially those closest to me who seem to go on.

Saturday started with a baseball game. It was Dakota’s last home game so we did a little senior presentation to all of the boys. It was also his 18th birthday. I so much consider him biological family, I don’t think I could love him more. And admit it or not I think he likes me a little too or he is just VERY tolerable. After the game we went to mothers for a huge Easter egg hunt (we hid 340). It so reminded me of the days at mamaw’s when there were so many kids and so many eggs. There were kids everywhere and they were having so much fun. I was pretty proud of myself because I managed to handle it with no tears but it was VERY difficult. When all was said and done and most people were gone, what I thought was a very innocent question turned into a very disappointing, what I felt was hostile conversation. When no one seemed to understand my side of the story I guess that was all it took and the tears started. They literally didn’t end until I cried myself to sleep that night. I guess I had done good through the hard part but will never make the mistake of asking this person a simple question again. Again, I guess I just thought people would understand that I was walking on very thin ice and instead it was almost like Stanton’s been gone over a year, this is your 2nd Easter you need to deal with it. For everyone that was left there I apologize for ruining the day. For those involved in the conversation I will continue to stand up for what I believe is right. I must say that in the midst of all of this the one person who amazed me the most was my daddy. He has had a very hard time dealing with everything. Not on this day. He hugged me and apologized for not being able to fix it. He reassured me that my tears were much deserved and assured me that he loved me no matter what. I love you so much Daddy! The rest of the evening was pretty miserable for my family. I couldn’t stop the tears not do I think I wanted to.

We got up Easter morning and headed to church. I was still just a word away from tears so I knew it would be a difficult morning. It is so hard to comprehend what you know should be a glorious happy morning in your head but your heart hurts so bad. All of my nieces and nephews looked adorable. We had lunch at Sug’s just like every other Sunday. It didn’t think anything about it because we have not hidden eggs in years but this year was different. I just couldn’t handle it another day so Jeff and I left. WE didn’t realize they would be taking grandchildren pictures. Sarah, thank you for remembering to put Stanton’s picture in there. Sug I am sorry that Jeff left, we just didn’t know. Again, for the rest of the day I just made it through.

I hate to be selfish and ask for prayers when there are so many that need them so much more than I do but if you can please pray for me to get out of this place I am in. I know the only way out is for God to reach down and get me but I have to be at a place that I will let him.

Jake is still in need of many prayers so don’t forget about him..

Starting a new week
Tina

Friday, April 14, 2006 11:00 AM CDT

I have been reminded several times that it is Good Friday today. Not that I would have forgotten it, I just think they are stressing the “Good”. This weekend has become one of my favorite holidays. Not the eggs or the candy or the bunny, but the Cross. Knowing that God has a plan for everyone even his very own son. I have to think that the plan for His son could not have been an easy one for him to develop much less execute. This weekend is a reminder that I will see Stanton again one day and oh what a day that will be. Everyone else who wants to meet him can get in line, I promise it will be worth the wait.

Well, one year and 2 months to the date of Stanton earning his wings we signed papers to start building a new house, a new start, I don’t think so. I must say after the week I have had this was anything but easy. There will be no Stanton memories in this new house. I will be leaving behind Stanton memories in the new house and although he wasn’t there half of his life there are plenty of Stanton memories in our house now. I can remember the day Dr. Kemmerly told me that he was going to take Stanton early. I tried to be so strong but sitting in the recliner talking to mom I was not as strong as I pretended to be. I remember walking in the house for the first time with him. He was beautiful and we had changed his clothes 3 times before we got him home. He was the best dressed baby to never get to go anywhere (yes I was overprotective then to, kind of makes the whole cancer thing ironic). I remember having a hard time putting him down when he was sleeping and how he loved to push himself to the top of the bassinet. I remember that clever grin knowing he was up to something. He would sit and watch a baseball game or hunting on TV longer than any child I had seen. I remember the mornings when I would leave to go to work and he would be curled up in Nanny Kay’s lap covered up with a blanket, chocolate milk in one hand, silky in the other watching “tartoons”. He reminded me of a king. I remember the metal pole we had in the ground to use as a tee because they did not make them small enough for him and how funny he thought it wsa when we all had to chase the ball down the hill. I remember him always wanting to do things on his own. I remember coming home from St. Jude for that first weekend visit and having a driveway full of friends who had remodeled our home to make it safe for Stanton. I remember coming in late the day of his birthday because we were determined he would be home on his birthday. He had a broken leg but that didn’t slow him down on his party. I remember coming home after he was in remission and Mary Claire spending the night and them trying to sleep in the toddler bed together. I remember Weenie picking him up in his new wagon and taking him for a stroll to get an ice. I remember the fun he had when Jeff turned his 4-wheeler on high gear. I remember him sitting in the boat waiting on Jeff to get ready to go fishing. He was never fast enough for Stanton. I remember pulling back into the driveway Feb. 13, 2005 realizing my life would never be the same again. I remember not wanting to walk through the door. I remember the emptiness felt walking in the door. I remember my friends showing up the day of his memorial service helping me get dressed, ironing my clothes. I think today and know that those memories are not in our house just like our memories of St. Jude are not in Memphis. Those memories are in my heart and will forever be etched there and I will forever be grateful for the memories.

Hayden’s arm turned out to be a bruised and bleeding elbow joint that will just take time to heal. He starts football soon so I hope he doesn’t push it.

Jake still needs our prayers as well as the rest of his family. I haven’t talked to them so the only info I have is what is on the website.

Tomorrow is our last home baseball game so we will be honoring the seniors. I am sure I will be emotional because Dakota is like mine I love him so much. It is hard to believe he has grown up so fast. He will be 18 on Saturday. Dakota-I don’t have to tell you that I love you so very much and will always be proud of all you have accomplished. My prayer is that we can always stay as close as we have been. Hey 5! I love you!

As you go into this weekend take a lot of time to remember the true meaning of Easter. Don’t get caught in the materialistic views. I encourage you to go to church Easter morning, who knows it may prompt you to go more often. Think about what God did for us and how we can look forward to seeing those we love again because of His sacrifice.

Thankful for His sacrifice
Tina

Thursday, April 13, 2006 10:45 AM CDT

I hate to be negative Nellie but I have to admit I am struggling. You all know this is the place where I open my heart holding nothing back so you all can help pray me through whatever is going on.

I had counseling yesterday and it was one of those rough days when I went in down and he could see it immediately. It then went into him telling me things that I needed to hear but that are so very hard to hear much less grasp. One thing I miss more than anything and still want to do is be a parent to Stanton. Paul reminded me so gently yesterday that Stanton does not need me to be his parent anymore. He is with the ultimate Father at this point and no my parenting skills could not compare. Maybe, well I know he is right but do you know how hard it is to listen to someone tell you that. He knew, but that is why I love going to him because he knew exactly how I would respond and how and what to say next. Needless to say the past few days of missing Stanton have been LOOOOOONG!

Hayden had a ballgame last night. He didn’t do very well but I am afraid his elbow is fractured. He is going to the doctor today at 1:00. I hope it is just a bruise. Of course my day had been long so the game seemed to last forever and every little thing got on my nerves. First and foremost, if you are an adult and Hayden EVER raises his voice at you for any reason all you have to do is find me and that problem will be solved. Jeff made a comment to one of the boys and the teenager commented back in a way that would have had me jerking Hayden off of the field. Second, for some reason if you make one or two mistakes our coach feels the need to take you out of the game in the middle of an inning. Thank goodness he didn’t do Hayden like that because he had a few errors the first inning but it is so degrading for a kid to be pulled in front of everyone for making a mistake. Last time I checked that was part of life. I wish I was mistakeless(??) Hayden would do much better if he had a little bit of self confidence which could easily be built but it has to be done by more than just me but I will keep working on it. It can be hard to hear from those you love how much better some people are than you.

One of our special prayer warriors (yes all of you are special to us) sent me the book I mentioned the other day “Grace for the Moment Volume II”. I have not been disappointed so far so guess what you will read a lot of:

Hebrews 10:22
A Good Choice

“It would have been nice if God had let us order life like we order a meal. I’ll take good health and a high IQ. I’ll pass on the music skill but would like a high metabolism…would’ve been nice. But it didn’t happen. When it came to your life hear on earth you weren’t given a chance to vote.

But when it comes to life after death you were. In my book that seems like a good deal. Wouldn’t you agree?

Have we been given any greater privilege than that of choice? Not only does this privilege offset any injustice, the gift of free will can offset mistakes.
You’ve made some bad choices in life haven’t you? You’ve chosen the wrong friends, maybe the wrong career, even the wrong spouse. You look back over your life and say ‘If only…if only I could make up for those bad choices’. You can. One good choice for eternity offsets a thousand bad ones on earth.

The Choice is Yours.

I must say that the guestbook entries from the last few days have been so uplifting and inspiring. You all seem to know exactly what I need when I need it most.

Please say immediate special prayers for Jake and family. He had just gotten out of yet another brain surgery. I believe his 6th ot 7th major surgery of his short 4 years. Pray for his speedy recovery. Pray for strength for his family especially Staci and Don. I know they check the website often and would love to hear from you. www.caringbridge.org/la/jakeowen

Choosing Eternity
Tina

Wednesday, April 12, 2006 10:16 AM CDT

I am going to forewarn you this journal may sound kind of negative but I am in a terrible mood and the morning has just started off lovely. I am to the point that if one thing in my life went exactly how it was supposed to I would not know how to act.

We have been trying to sign the work papers on our new house for almost a week now and day by day are faced with a new obstacle. I know these can’t be avoided and that everyone involved is working as hard as they can but it still gets very frustrating. Mrs. Carolyn-thank you so being so very patient with us I know you get tired of us calling you. I know you understand our anxious anticipation.

My group last night went very well again. I do think this is something I am going to enjoy and look forward to. Our stories are all so different but yet so just the same, the loss of a child. One thing is pretty certain that no matter how the loss occurred the pain is just as great.

Hayden has a JV ballgame tonight in Benton. I thought we were through with those but I guess not.

Please don’t forget to pray for Jake www.caringbridge.org/la/jakeowen he is really one tough little boy.

Also please start praying now for our family for the upcoming weekend. Although not a first it will still be very difficult.

I will end with an email

Making Pancakes

Six -year-old Brandon decided one Saturday morning to fix his parents
pancakes. He found a big bowl and spoon, pulled a chair to the
counter, opened the cupboard and pulled out the heavy flour canister, spilling it on the floor.

He scooped some of the flour into the bowl with his hands, mixed in
most of a cup of milk and added some sugar, leaving a floury trail on the floor which by now had a few tracks left by his kitten.

Brandon was covered with flour and getting frustrated. He wanted this
to be something very good for Mom and Dad, but it was getting very bad.

He didn't know what to do next, whether to put it all into the oven or
on the stove and he didn't know how the stove worked!. Suddenly he saw
his kitten licking from the bowl of mix and reached to push her away, knocking the egg carton to the floor. Frantically he tried to clean up this monumental mess but slipped on the eggs, getting his pajamas white and sticky.

And just then he saw Dad standing at the door. Big crocodile tears
welled up in Brandon's eyes. All he'd wanted to do was something good, but he'd made a terrible mess. He was sure a scolding was coming, maybe even a spanking. But his father just watched him.

Then, walking through the mess, he picked up his crying son, hugged
him and loved him, getting his own pajamas white and sticky in the process!

That's how God deals with us: We try to do something good in life,
but it turns into a mess. Our marriage gets all sticky or we insult a friend,or we can't stand our job, or our health goes sour.

Sometimes we just stand there in tears because we can't think of
anything else to do. That's when God picks us up and loves us and forgives us, even though some of our mess gets all over Him.

But just because we might mess up, we can't stop trying to "make
pancakes" for God or for others. Sooner or later we'll get it right, and then they'll be glad we tried...

I was thinking. .. and I wondered if I had any wounds needing to be
healed, friendships that need rekindling or three words needing to be said, sometimes, "I love you" can heal & bless! Remind every one of your friends that you love them. Even if you think they don't love back, you would be amazed at what those three little words, a smile, and a reminder like this can do.

Just in case I haven't told you lately...
I LOVE YA!!!

Don’t forget to never stop making pancakes!

Feeling like a mess
Tina

Tuesday, April 11, 2006 11:14 AM CDT

Okay, so I am off to a late start. Today’s entry will be so short and boring compared to yesterdays.

We actually got a night off from baseball. Hayden’s game was cancelled so being the angel child that he is he decided to cook supper for us. He has always been a good cook so I enjoy it when he cooks and don’t even mind cleaning up after him.

We are set to sign the papers on our house just any minute now. Just waiting on the bank. I know the builder is ready to go. I think we are probably just a little more anxious than him though.

If you have not been reading Jake’s website you need to go check his site for the latest updates. They are in need of much prayer right now. As you pray for Jake please don’t forget to pray for Staci and Don and the decisions they are forced to make as parents. Some of these decisions are more than any parent should ever have to make for their child and they have already been through so much.

I want to end with an email that I got that I thought was really neat:

The first day of school our professor introduced himself and challenged us to get to know someone we didn't already know. I stood up to look around when a gentle hand touched my shoulder. I turned around to find a wrinkled, little old lady beaming up at me with a smile that lit up her entire being.

She said, "Hi handsome. My name is Rose. I'm eighty-seven years old. Can I give you a hug?"

I laughed and enthusiastically responded, "Of course you may!" and she gave me a giant squeeze.
"Why are you in college at such a young, innocent age?" I asked.

She jokingly replied, "I'm here to meet a rich husband, get married, and have a couple of kids..."

"No seriously," I asked. I was curious what may have motivated her to be taking on this challenge at her age.

"I always dreamed of having a college education and now I'm getting one!" she told me. After class we walked to the student union building and shared a chocolate milkshake. We became instant friends. Every day for the next three months we would leave class together and talk nonstop. I was always mesmerized listening to this "time machine" as she shared her wisdom and experience with me. Over the course of the year, Rose became a campus icon and she easily made friends wherever she went. She loved to dress up and she reveled in the attention bestowed upon her from the other students. She was living it up.

At the end of the semester we invited Rose to speak at our football banquet. I'll never forget what she taught us. She was introduced and stepped up to the podium. As she began to deliver her prepared speech, she dropped her three by five cards on the floor. Frustrated and a little embarrassed she leaned into the microphone and simply said, "I'm sorry I'm so jittery. I gave up beer for Lent and this whiskey is killing me! I'll never get my speech back in order so let me just tell you what I know."

As we laughed she cleared her throat and began, "We do not stop playing because we are old; we grow old because we stop playing. There are only four secrets to staying young, being happy, and achieving success. You have to laugh and find humor every day. You've got to have a dream. When you lose your dreams, you die. We have so many people walking around who are dead and don't even know it! There is a huge difference between growing older and growing up. If you are nineteen years old and lie in bed for one full year and don't do one productive thing, you will turn twenty years old. If I am eighty-seven years old and stay in bed for a year and never do anything I will turn eighty-eight. Anybody can grow older. That doesn't take any talent or ability. The idea is to grow up by always finding opportunity in change. Have no regrets.

The elderly usually don't have regrets for what we did, but rather for things we did not do. The only people who fear death are those with regrets." She concluded her speech by courageously singing "The Rose." She challenged each of us to study the lyrics and live them out in our daily lives.

At the year's end Rose finished the college degree she had begun all those years ago. One week after graduation Rose died peacefully in her sleep. Over two thousand college students attended her funeral in tribute to the wonderful woman who taught by example that it's never too late to be all you can possibly be.

These words have been passed along in loving memory of ROSE. REMEMBER, GROWING OLDER IS MANDATORY. GROWING UP IS OPTIONAL. We make a Living by what we get, We make a Life by what we give.

God promises a safe landing, not a calm passage. If God brings you to it, He will bring you through it

Living Life to the Fullest
Tina

Monday, April 10, 2006 11:37 AM CDT

AGH!!!!!!!!!!!!!UGH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!AGH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Did that sound like a scream to you? If not that was what I was trying to accomplish. This morning my mood has been so frustrating that screaming just sounded like a good idea.

I know you are all anxious to hear about our weekend and I am anxious to share and I am going to try to not miss a thing.

Friday morning we actually left as planned headed for Memphis. Since there is nothing in our lives that can just be simple we got about an hour and half out of Memphis and Trish calls (we had been communicating back and forth for some time) she says that they have let the schools out because of tornados and really bad weather and yes we will be driving right into it. I couldn’t help but laugh and think “okay Stanton give us a break here”. We actually ended up not getting in any bad weather and although it looked rather dreary we were right on time. We got to the hotel because I was going to change and freshen up before the reception to find out our room was not and would not be ready for a while. Nothing like freshening up in the lobby bathroom of the hotel. We headed for the ALSAC tower where I was to do an interview for County Cares and when we get there guess who greets us, my sister Trish!!!!!!!!!!!!! Jennifer was also there because the receptionist had been sent home due to the weather. Jennifer was one of the ALSAC reps that got to spend one of the greatest weekend of our lives with us in North Carolina. The interview was very emotional but very good I think. I can’t wait to hear it after they put it with music. It will be played all over the country during many radiothons for St. Jude.

From there Trish and I headed over to the reception. We needed the TNT time to regroup and put our big girl faces on. We knew this was going to be tough. Jeff, Hayden and Eli had set up our display board which looked GREAT. When we walked in we saw Zoie’s family which was a great way to start the reception with dear friends. They just like all of us are taking it a day at a time. Chassity looks great and we are so happy they will be having another child. Okay, now the easy part was done, we had to move forward. WE started by going to look at the board that the guys had done and it indeed looked great. Then we walked around the room visiting with families we had not seen in a long time. Some of which we did not even realize their children had earned their wings as well. How hard it was to look around and see all the families that had been devastated by this terrible disease and this was just the ones from the last 2 years. One thing you knew is that we all had the same feelings at one time or another. Some of the staff came over and it was great to see everyone. I won’t even attempt to name them all because I will forget someone. I have to mention Nurse Sandy and Dr. Furman. They both came and it was so good to get to see them. These people become so much a part of your family and then in one day you go from seeing them on a daily basis to not seeing them at all. Sandy/Dr. Furman you will never know how much it meant to get the chance to see you. You will forever hold such a special place in our hearts and I have a feeling Stanton holds that same place in yours. We visited for a while and then decided we needed to rest before dinner.

For dinner we met up with Trish and Eli of course, but Nancy and her son Bobby and Sarah and David and Mimi Sharon (who was a much welcomed guest this weekend). We had a great time visiting, remembering and wishing. The drive to the restaurant was filled with memories as was the restaurant itself. It goes without saying that there was never a dull moment with Stanton and Emma Grace. Sarah and David came back to the hotel to play a game with us. I have to admit David is the movie KING! But I can’t not tell you that although the boys were good in the end they were outsmarted by the girls so yes, Sarah and I won!

The next morning was one on those when you just didn’t want to get out of bed. You knew what the day held and no matter how hard you tried you couldn’t psych yourself into it. The first meeting was 2 sets of parents just telling there story. It was probably the most helpful for me of all because so many of my feelings were validated by these mothers. They would say something and it would be something I had said or done and visa versa with the men. I have already put my name on the list to return and be one of these speakers. No one was really surprised that this would be something I would want to do. We then broke into small groups. We walked into a room and I was talking of course when Jeff tapped me on the shoulder. I looked over and there was a picture of Jeff and Stanton on the wall. Coincidence? Of course not. Once again we just got to talk a little about our children and how we all felt the same way.

That afternoon was a memorial service which was by far the hardest. St. Jude does an incredible job with this whole weekend and I hope they realize the healing process that takes place during this weekend. I was honored to be told on more than one occasion about people who still think about Stanton often and what a light he was to everyone he was around. I always knew that but I am a little biased. I continue to be amazed at how one little boy can make such an impact on so many people. I promise to continue to be that light for him.

After the balloon release we were all wiped out! We went back to a friends house just to hang out for the night. When we got there I got an early mother’s day present and I can’t even begin to put into words how special this was to me. First of all to those of you who helped make this happen, I love you all so very much. Hayden you’re the best!

When we were in Memphis after Stanton and Hayden designed the Domino’s race car, the owner of a race car shop in Mississippi came to the RMH to visit a child he was friends with and to see Stanton. We had been to their shop and they spoiled Stanton ROTTEN! He had brought his dealer version of the “Stanton car” and wanted Hayden and Stanton to autograph it. It was the neatest thing. He was going to try to get Michael to sign it then display it in his shop. This was the one thing since Stanton passed away that I wanted more than anything. Of course I did not think to get him to sign one of ours. I never dreamed it would be so priceless. Hayden and a couple of very special friends made my dream come true. Saturday night he gave me the autographed car and the display case. Believe it or not I was speechless. I can’t wait to talk to this man and thank him for giving me such a priceless gift.

Saturday evening we just hung out with friends and had a great time. We left Sunday morning but not before having breakfast with Sarah and David. Leaving is so hard and was no easier than the last time. It feels like you are leaving a part of Stanton everytime you drive over that Mississippi bridge.

I wish that I could put into words the emotions that this weekend brought out so that you could understand to some extent. Many many mixed emotions. Overall it was part of the healing process and through many tears was still an incredible weekend.

For those of us who prayed for us during this weekend thank you so very much. We literally put one foot in front of the other and in my case that is still what I am doing today. It was kind of like going back to work for the first time again.

Please say extra prayers for Baby Jake. He is back at LeBonheur in ICU. WE didn’t get to spend the time with them this weekend that we would have liked.

One foot in front of the other
Tina

Thursday, April 6, 2006 10:02 AM CDT

Good Morning all! Things are going okay here. Hayden seems to feel a little better. I think the day of much needed rest helped.

I am having a very hard time focusing today. There is so much to be done and my mind is not cooperating.

Please say special prayers for our family and all of those families who will be heading to Memphis this weekend for Day of Remembrance. It is a time to really remember and honor our babies. Of course, I can’t wait to see everybody. A Trish hug is far overdue. With this weekend comes many emotions which I guess is where my mood is coming from this morning. It is a very bittersweet time and with it comes MANY memories.

I will not be updating again until probably Monday morning, sorry! I promise to share all of our good times with you.

I know God will be taking every step with me this weekend and I am so very thankful for that, knowing I wouldn’t be able to make it on my own.

On memory overload
Tina

Wednesday, April 5, 2006 11:03 AM CDT

Well, I have had an eye opening morning! There was a HUGE wreck on interstate with an 18 wheeler on fire bad. It appeared that the fireman may have been looking for someone but I don’t know and they were moving my side of the road through pretty quick. I will say it got to me a little bit. I was reminded once again of the fragility of life. If there was someone in there, did he/she have a spouse, kids? When was the last time he had seen them? Yes, my mind works in overtime all of the time.

Last night’s group was good. I was not nervous about sharing my story but about sharing my grief. I am going to hang in there and keep going. I think I can learn a lot from the other people in there.

As for Hayden, he seems to be getting worse instead of better. I made him stay home today so maybe he can get some much needed rest and maybe feel better. He wanted to go in late so he could play ball tonight but I had to draw the line. I really want him to go with us this weekend and he can’t if he is sick. Speaking of baseball, Dakota (my brother-in-law) pitched a no hitter last night! Go Dakota, love you!

Thought I would share a devotion with you that is sometimes so very hard to grasp.

Luke 18:7

“God will always give what is right to his people who cry out to him night and day, and he will not be slow to answer them.”

“When we come to God, we make requests; we don’t make demands. We come with high hopes and a humble heart. We state what we want, but we pray for what is right. And if God gives us the prison of Rome instead of the mission of Spain, we accept it because we know ‘God will always give what is right to his people.’

We go to him. We bow before him, and We TRUST IN HIM.”

How many times has this devotion been perfect for me, let’s see-everyday since Stanton got sick. From the moment I realized that I was way in over my head for me and that without God’s help I was helpless. It is that praying for God’s will or what is right that is so hard, especially when you are very aware that yours and God’s plans might not be the same. I never wanted to think that God would take Stanton home, but I would be lying if I said it was not always in the back of my mind especially after he relapsed. What I have had to learn since Stanton’s death is that although our plans were different I have to trust that God knows and does exactly what is right. I can’t even begin to tell you how hard that was to type. Knowing as much as I want Stanton back, God is always right and I will continue my lifelong journey of trusting Him.

Trusting Him
Tina

Tuesday, April 4, 2006 11:07 AM CDT

HAPPY BIRTHDAY DADDY!!!!!!!!!!! I know he won’t read this but mom will pass it on. He will tell you it is just another day but I’ll give him a little attention. We actually had birthday cake last night after the ballgame. It is bad when you have to plan your family events around a 16 year old but I am glad it worked out so that we got to be there. The tables were turned this morning, Hayden actually took Pepaw to breakfast (not literally because he said it was too far to drive to go get him but he did pay for it). I know that I don’t have to tell you all how very special my daddy is to me. I am and will forever be my daddy’s girl. Since the day I was born he has given up whatever was needed so that I could be taken care of. He and mom both made sure we were raised in a Christian home and that we knew who to turn to in times of trouble. He continues to do the same with all of his grandchildren including Stanton, by helping us take care of his place at the angel garden. When I count my blessings daddy is always at the top of the list. I love you daddy!

Hayden called yesterday morning complaining of not feeling well. I sent him to the doctor only to find out he had strep throat. Ugh!!!!!!!!!! After some Tylenol he felt better and I hope after a few doses of antibiotics he will be on the road to a recovery. He didn’t feel too hot this morning. I hope he will feel better this afternoon.

Yesterday we got to see a very special person that has moved to our area from our other home, Memphis. Shaun and Christi Brasher are moving here. Shaun is the new child life director at Sutton’s Childrens Hospital. He is going to do an incredible job. How we met, just another one of those stories that has God written all over it. The Friday that we flew to St. Jude we were in a room in D clinic when Shaun walked in and introduced himself. He said, you don’t know me but you know my wife she is from Athens. After we put the connection together it was like having a piece of home there with us. He and Christi both made us feel so comfortable. Shaun and Hayden hooked up and bonded immediately only to get in trouble everytime they were together. Guys it is good to have you back, can’t wait to spend more time with you.

I need some special prayers tonight as I will be attending a special group called “A Place That Warms The Heart”. It is a group for parents who have lost children. You all know that individual counseling was a HUGE step for me, well this is even bigger. I just don’t know that I am ready to share in a group setting. Please pray that God will provide me with the knowledge if this is where I need to be and that I will be open minded enough to listen to Him.

I read my Everyday Blessings book at work when I take a break and had a devotional that I wanted to share. Of course there are so many days when I think Max Lucado must be walking one day ahead of me and writing these just for me. Speaking of Max he has a new book out “Grace for the Moment Volume II”. I really really want this one. I have read the other one cover to cover twice.

First of all the quote to start the month of April is “God never gives Up” For our sakes aren’t we glad.

John 15:11
“I have said these things to you that my joy may be in you.”

“Think about God’s joy. What can cloud it? What can quench it?.... Is God ever in a bad mood because of bad weather? Does God get ruffled over long traffic lines? (Jamie) Does God ever refuse to rotate the earth because His feelings are hurt?

No. His is a joy which consequences cannot quench. His is a peace which circumstances cannot steal.”

I still have so much to learn. I am thankful that as a Christian I am an ongoing work in progress.

Still waiting on pure Joy
Tina

Monday, April 3, 2006 10:44 AM CDT

Where to start? Friday was pretty uneventful except for the headache that continues and refuses to go away!! After I just read that I can’t believe I said uneventful. Dana had called and asked if I wanted some more special time with Hollan. That was a dumb question. She and Hank had somewhere to go Friday evening so they brought her to us. I made sure we planned ahead because I knew she would not want to go home so we planned on her spending the night. She of course was so happy to be at Tina’s house (she gives Jeff none of the credit) and had no intentions of going home anytime soon. She even told us she was going to sleep with Hayden (that did not pan out). I honestly don’t know how they afford to feed her because she ate from the time she got there until she fell asleep somewhere around 11:30. We decided that since we had a night off from ball we would go watch Whittney play. I must say softball is a lot different to watch than baseball but we did enjoy getting to see Whittney play and Hollan enjoyed the ballpark food. When it came time for bed she decided that she was sleeping with me but needed to hug Hayden first. Once again, some of my favorite times with my nieces is right before bed and when they first wake up. She fell asleep curled up in my arms.

Saturday Hayden played ball so we were at the ballpark from 1-5:30. Hollan actually left with Hank after Dakota got finished. She was pretty tired. She must have been because that was the first time she had even mentioned going anywhere but with Tina. Hayden played very good in his JV game. I love it when he does well, it makes for a much easier night with him.

Yesterday, Hitler Haynes (Jeff’s name given to him by Hayden but agreed upon by me) decided it was time to clean house. What got into him I am not sure but he was on a roll. Not that I typically do what Jeff tells me to (that is why I did the chores I chose) but we really do need to start getting the house ready to sell. He did such a good job on the stovetop I have decided that I can’t cook until we move into our new house. He did finally slow down barking orders, but only after he had to go to work for a while.

While he was at work I decided that I could rent a movie and rest. I watched Elizabeth Town. It was a very slow movie and I was kind of disappointed at first but the ending made the entire movie. I want tell you what happens but after you see it you realize it is what the whole movie is about. Living for today! So many of us are guilty of looking to the future and forgetting about enjoying each minute God has given us. I hope that if you have gotten nothing from my journaling that this is one concept you have gotten.

Hope you all have a great week, I am off to do month end reports!

Living for Today
Tina

Friday, March 31, 2006 10:59 AM CST

TGIF! I am having another rough morning so I am glad I get to stay home tomorrow.

Of course we played baseball last night. We didn’t win. We play again tomorrow afternoon.

I have incredible employees who seem to understand just what I need exactly when I need it. Beverly brought this devotional into me and after reading it my first thought was I have to journal this. It is called “The Harmony of Faith and Suffering” Quite an odd title don’t ya think, harmony/faith/suffering just don’t seem to go in the same sentence.

“Suffering and the sin that breeds it, is a reality so great, so overpowering, so menacing, that God seemed forced to resort to desperate measure to deal with it. No magic wand, no thunderous words, no angels, no prophet, no society in the world could eliminate sin and suffering.

God’s answer…..was Jesus Christ, God in human flesh. God the Father would send God the Son clothed in human flesh. Into the world to suffer and accept the consequences of sin.

Sin and pain seem to prevail. Babies die of cancer. Puppies are hit on the road. Hitler rises to power. We yell at our children. The power of suffering is so great. So what, in the end does the cross really mean? What good cause is an escape route really, if it does not open until the end of time? I think the answer in part, is that the cross never promises to free us from pain and suffering, not at least at the present. The cross, in fact, promises just the opposite: the certainty of pain and suffering.

Here is the mystery: The path of joy runs straight through the heart pain and suffering. Christianity, alone among the world’s religions does not run from pain, but embraces it, and then and only then does it move through it. Jesus Christ is our example of faith: ‘For the joy set before him endured the cross, scorning its shame, and sat down at the right hand of the throne of God.’ (Hebrews 12:2). Faith at the very least, asks us to believe this: The path to heaven runs through suffering. Through the sorrow of the world, through the certain fog of doubt and pain, we have faith: sure of what we hope for, certain of what we do not see. God is love. God is in control. God will wipe away every tear and replace it with a river of joy.

Faith carries with it movement-from what we know to what we long for, from suffering to joy, from earth to heaven. The movement, that song, is always driven and graced by the choice we make to love.”

There is another special St. Jude baby that needs special prayers. www.caringbridge.org/ga/jay. Stop by and tell then Stanton sent you.

Hope you all have a good weekend.

With Faith
Tina

Thursday, March 30, 2006 10:03 AM CST

Morning! I wish I could say good but I am in a state right now that I know is not where I need to be and I will focus today trying to get out. Nothing in general, just has been a hard week emotionally for me. My counselor thinks I am too hard on myself which is true but something I have always had problems with. I have a lot on my mind this morning so you know you are going to hear about it. It actually isn’t anything I haven’t mentioned before but for several reasons I need to mention it again.

If you have family, spouse, children, siblings, nieces, nephews, etc. DON”T TAKE THEM FOR GRANTED!!!! Unfortunately I have a whole different perspective on this issue than most but you would think some of those close to my family would have learned this lesson through us.

First of all, your spouse (directed at a primary person), If God gave you a loving Christian spouse you are one blessed individual. In the blink of an eye this can change. Don’t give up on that spouse for stupid reasons. I have been blessed as I have mentioned often to not only be married to my husband and the father of my children but my best friend. I wish I could say life has always been a piece of cake these last 17 years but that would be a complete lie. Fact remains we worked through any differences and with God’s help have remained standing. Jeff I love you more than you know!!!! Thank you for sticking by me crazy and all!

Children, I don’t think I even have to go here with you. You know my thoughts on this. Once again, God blessed me with 2 incredible children and I am the luckiest mom in the world. Hayden, I love you.

Now I guess my biggest problem today, nieces/nephews. I have 4 nieces and 1 nephew who I love almost as much as my own children. I will and have on more than one occasion put myself second to make sure they were put first. The birthday parties have been so hard for me, but I wouldn’t have missed them for the world. They only come around once in their lifetime and I promise you to them it is more than about a gift. They know who is there and who is not. I am also blessed to live close to all of my nieces and nephews which I love. I know this is not the case with a lot of people and it is hard on them when they can’t attend every event. So, if you have nieces and nephews close to you, love them, spend time with them. You are blessed to have them and blessed to live close. Heather, Coltan, Mary Claire, Hollan, and Elynn Kate, you all are the lights of my life. I love you so much. Hank/Dana, Scotty/Jamie-thank you so much for sharing your children with me.

Now that it seems I have been on my soapbox I apologize. I wish I could say it made me feel better but it didn’t. Thanks for your continued support of our family, I couldn’t make it through each day without the prayers!

One Day At A Time (You know that is all we are guaranteed)
Tina

Wednesday, March 29, 2006 9:27 AM CST

Hello everyone! It was great to hear from all of you. I hope the guestbook opening faster helped. Guess what I did yesterday??? If you have been following the journey you would know that I went to the doctor worked, and watched a BASEBALL game.

The doctor's visit went okay. The wound is still not healed but looks better (not sure how that works). I also found out that my wound care doctor also specializes in vascular insufficiency which is one thing that the doppler showed that I don't know if I have mentioned. I have venous insufficiency from my hip to my knee (not a common place to have this of course). We will be getting my records to the wound doctor and see what he thinks. At this point he agrees with everything that Dr. Phillips has done (which I was not suprprised by).

The ballgame was a varsity game so you know my opinions on that. Hayden got to bat once but got out. Dakota got at least one hit that I can remember.

Today Elynn Kate turns three years old. Oh how fast they grow up. I remember the early morning call in Memphis when they called to tell me she was born. It was so hard not being there for her then and all the months that followed. I love watching her now because her personality reminds me so much of Stanton and the things he would do. It is so hard to watch them grow up knowing they will keep getting older and Stanton will always be 3. He sure loved his Kae Kate. I am quite certain he still never lets her far from his site. Happy Birthday Kae Kate! I love you so much!

Mary Claire is still not feeling well so please keep those prayers coming for her.

I want to share an email that mom sent me this morning that years ago would have cut me to the bone but today was just a reminder of the life that I live, knowing what is important in life and the things that can make you happy.

One day, one friend asked another,
"How is it that you are always so happy?
You have so much energy,
and you never seem to get down."

With her eyes smiling, she said,
"I know the Secret!"
"What secret is that?"
To which she replied,
"I'll tell you all about it,
but you have to promise to
share the Secret with others."

"The Secret is this:
I have learned there is little I can do
in my life that will make me truly happy.
I must depend on God to make
me happy and to meet my needs.
When a need arises in my life,
I have to trust God to supply
according to HIS riches.
I have learned most of the time
I don't need half of what I think I do.
He has never let me down.
Since I learned that 'Secret,' I am happy."

The questioner's first thought was,
"That's too simple!"
But upon reflecting over her own life
she recalled how she thought a bigger house
would make her happy, but it didn't!
She thought a better paying job
would make her happy, but it hadn't.
When did she realize her greatest happiness?
Sitting on the floor with her grandchildren,
playing games, eating pizza or reading a story,
a simple gift from God.

Now you know it too!
We can't depend on people to make us happy.
Only GOD in His infinite wisdom can do that.
Trust HIM!
And now I pass the Secret on to you!
So once you get it, what will you do?

YOU have to tell someone the Secret, too!
That GOD in His wisdom will take care of YOU!
But it's not really a secret...
We just have to believe it and do it...
Really trust God!

Just Pass It On!

Glad Iknow the Secret
Tina

Tuesday, March 28, 2006 9:58 AM CST

Good yucky, rainy morning to everyone. These are the days that seem to be the hardest.

First of all thank you for the prayers for Jake. I think so far things are going as well as could be expected.

Last night Hayden had a ballgame which he did okay. Jeff and I went to a dinner for some of the St. Jude volunteers. It was great to be back together as a team and have one more chance to say thank you.

I can't believe that I forgot to mention yesterday that my little sister turned 30!!!! She had a hard day and I gave her a hard time but that just makes me that much older.

Today is Whittney's birthday. She is the big 16 so look out on the streets of Minden. Her and Hayden on the road at the same time may not be a good thing. Happy Birthday Whit!!!

Yesterday Mary Claire came to work with me. She is having a little tummy trouble that just won't seem to go away. Please pray for her and our guidance as we move forward and try to figure out what is wrong. We had a good day, with some much needed Tina time.

I am going to get Caring Bridge to combine the guestbook because it is getting a little slow loading and that is the only reason I can figure no one is signing in anymore and you all know how much I need to hear from you.

Cradled In His Arms
Tina

Monday, March 27, 2006 10:45 AM CST

Good Monday morning all! I am going to start with an URGENT prayer request: Jake is having brain surgery sometime today to remove 2 tumors found last week during scans. I know all of the detail are up in the air because it was put together so fast but you can check on his status at www.caringbridge.org/la/jakeowen. This is a very special little boy and family to us and we need as many people in prayer as possible.

As for our weekend it was busy as usual. We were kind of scattered in different directions. Saturday Mary Claire had a soccer game, Hayden had a baseball game, and Elynn Kate had her birthday party. So, I went to the soccer game first. Elynn Kate made sure I was coming to her party and when I told her I didn’t have a present she told me “Well you better go get one”. I left from there and rode with Dana and Hollan to the party but not without stopping to get a present. The party was a huge success and I think the kids had a good time. I spent the rest of the day running errands with Dana and Hollan. I enjoyed some quality time with Hollan. Sometimes Aunt Tina just gets spread so thin that it doesn’t feel like I spend enough time with each of them alone. At one point that evening we were by the fountain and it was just me and Hollan. I was giving her pennies and she was making wishes and throwing them into the fountain. One time I said “this one is for Tina” and she said “I wish Tina could be happy”. Out of the mouths of little ones. Once again, a moment that a few years ago I would have taken for granted is one that will be cherished for years to come.

The birthday party was hard as I expected. Stanton is three, everyone else cannot be three. It is hard to imagine that they will all keep growing and he will always be three.

Jeff and O.H. went to the ballgame which of course was a good one since I wasn’t there. It was 12 innings long and we lost by one run. Our pitcher, Garrett struck out 23 and went all 12 innings.

As I was reading Jakes website this morning they were talking about kicking a ball which brought back a memory that I am sure Jeff will kill me for putting on here but it is one that will always make me smile. The RMH had gotten a new wooden swing set that was so nice and the kids loved it. We were out there one day, mom, dad and Hayden were up for the weekend, and Jeff and Hayden were kicking a beach ball I think. Stanton was doing his own thing playing with a little girl that was out there with her parents. Some how the conversation got to a point where Jeff was trying to convince us that you could kick a ball with both feet at the same time. Determined to prove it Jeff jumped up, kicked the ball and on his way down slipped or something and crashed into the new wooden swingset. When I say crash I mean CRASH. Wood splintered everywhere and thankfully the kids weren’t on it at the moment. We were all laughing so hard. Mom being the polite one that she is made sure he was okay before she laughed. A few minutes later Stanton and the little girl he was playing with came over and knelt down to look at the damage. He said “me daddy broked it.” The laughter started again. Jeff felt so bad that he spent an entire afternoon in the 100 degree weather fixing the swing set. Now it is as good as new. Lesson learned; don’t kick with both feet at the same time.

Yesterday at church we had an incredible presentation about the crucifixion of Jesus. It was a great way to start the Easter season by reminding us of the sacrifice that God made for us. Everytime I read the Easter story, hear the story or in this case see it played out I am touched to the very core of my soul at what God chose to do for us and how painful it must have been for Him.

Humbled
Tina

Friday, March 24, 2006 9:54 AM CST

Well, we played ball last night and it was FREEZING cold. WE did get beat very bad but Haughton is a very good ball team.

After the ballgame we went to the Waffle House to eat. I know you are wondering why I am telling you this but I have a good reason. It is funny how simple things can bring back some of the best memories.

One time coming home from St. Jude we decided to stop and eat and had several choices, one of them being the Waffle House. Stanton of course got to choose and he wanted "waffle sticks" (this is what they served at the hospital) so off to the Waffle House it was. We sat behind a very nice man who spent the entire time there talking to Jeff and Stanton, even when we were eating. It did turn out to be a great distraction as I intercepted the waitress to make Stanton's waffle into sticks. He never knew any different and ate every one of them. The man got Stanton's name and promised to pray for him. I often wonder what happened to him. It is funny how the memories come back. At the time who would have ever thought I would savor the memory at the Waffle House. Who would have ever thought that all I was going to have left was memories? Oh how I miss my little boy!

With a Huge Void
Tina

Thursday, March 23, 2006 10:30 AM CST

Yesterday was another uneventful day. I did manage to get a lot accomplished at work and it was nice to go home and not have to go to the ballpark. We do have a game tonight and it will probably be very quick.

With the house, everything is at the bank so we are waiting on them and we will be ready to start. Yes, I am beginning to get a little nervous.

Jake has some scans this week so be sure and beef up those prayers for him and his family. Scan time is always a nerve wracking time.

Since I have nothing exciting going on in my life I decided I would finish the book (from Christmas) for you today. The final chapter is entitled “He will Always Find A Way”. (Remember this was a Christmas book, I have not lost my mind).

The message of Christmas is this: If by the birth of Jesus the love of God found a way to break into space and time and bring light, salvation, hope, joy and help into our lives, then no barrier in your life can frustrate Him. Isaiah 9:1-2

“Breaking through” is what His love is all about. It will break through anything to find and touch you. Nothing can stop Him from getting to the door of your heart.

If the almighty, eternal Son of God had to become a human being, He would do it. He would lay aside His mighty power and the splendor of His majesty and come into His own creation as a baby. AND HE DID!

If He had to face down Satan and the jeering, slithering powers of hell, rejecting their temptations to shortcut the process-He would oppose them to the end. AND HE DID!

If He had to endure rejection, humiliation, mocking and scorn, becoming a “man of sorrows, acquainted with grief”. HE would do it. AND HE DID!

If He had to die on a Roman cross for our sins, He would do it. If He had to drink the full cup of God’s wrath for our sins, He would drink it. If He had to taste death in order to free us from the power of death, He would submit to it. AND HE DID!

Nothing stopped Him from bringing His message and accomplishing His mission. Not tradition. Not distance. Not darkness. Not satan. Not h ell. Not pain. Not even death itself.

There is no door in this universe that can keep Him out. And yet…if you turn Him away from your own heart’s door; He will not come in. If you choose to spurn His love and reject His gift of eternal life, He will not force it on you.

If you open the door the smallest crack, if you turn to Him, if you seek Him, if you begin to long after Him in your heart, He will find a way to get through.

It doesn’t matter what you’ve done in your life, how deeply and grievously you have sinned, how often you have failed, or how many oppose you. Call on His name and He will save you!

It doesn’t matter what your circumstances or situation might be; whether you are in the gravest danger or in a long, flat, dreary stretch of life that seems to go on and on with no end in sight. Reach out your hand and He will grip it.

Breathe His name and He is there
Say the word and He will show you
Even right now
LOVE WILL FIND A WAY!

Dear Heavenly Father,

Thank you so much for loving me so much that you would send your son to become a human, and suffer so that I might have eternal life. Thank you for giving me than chance to live in heaven forever and to see Stanton again. Please be with those who don’t know you that they might find something that will bring them to you. Thank you for the friends you have sent to pray for me and help me when I am down. Most of all thank you for loving me enough to always find a way.

In Jesus Name
Amen

I hope you all enjoyed the book. I will be looking for another one to share with you. For those of you who know Jesus Christ as your Lord and Saviour please continue to draw closer to Him. For those of you who don’t know Him or are unsure, please read what He has done for you and the opportunity that He provides for you in eternal life. I am open to talk to anyone who wants to talk.

Calling His Name
Tina

Wednesday, March 22, 2006 10:17 AM CST

Yesterday was a very long day at work followed by none other than a baseball game. I guess you would call it that. WE got beat very bad. The good news is that Hayden did get to play an inning. The bad news is he didn’t do so hot. The good news is that he fit in with most of the other boys playing. The bad news, obviously none of them played real well. Because of testing we get a break tonight, YEAH!!!!

Yesterday ended up being a hard day for me, the quiet times brought so many memories of Stanton. I guess this is something I needed. I still have a hard time realizing that he is gone. What I wouldn’t do for one more day. Please just continue to pray for my strength as these times come.

I also need you to say a special prayer for my niece, Mary Claire. She seems to really be struggling right now with the reality of Stanton being gone. She cries more and seems to be a lot quieter. It breaks my heart to watch her struggle so, no child at her age should have to deal with such a loss. I know Jamie would appreciate all the prayers they could get.

On the exciting (I guess) part of my life, the bid for my house is in and the bank will be doing there thing and we will be ready to start building. I am trying to be excited.

I have an email that I don’t know if I have shared with you before but I love it so you will just have to read it again if I have. It will remind you of what is important in life and how precious life is.

I walked into the grocery store not particularly interested in
buying groceries. I wasn't hungry. The pain of losing my husband of 7 years was still too raw! And this grocery store held so many sweet memories.

He often came with me and almost every time he'd pretend to go off
and look for something special. I knew what he was up to. I'd always
spot him walking down the aisle with the three yellow roses in his hands.

He knew I loved yellow roses. With a heart filled with grief, I
only wanted to buy my few items and leave, but even grocery shopping was different since he had passed on.

Shopping for one took time, a little more thought than it had for
two.
Standing by the meat, I searched for the perfect small steak and
remembered how he had loved his steak.

Suddenly a woman came beside me. She was blonde, slim and lovely in
a soft green pantsuit. I watched as she picked up a large package of
T-bones, dropped them in her basket.. Hesitated, and then put them back. She turned to go and once again reached for the pack of steaks.

She saw me watching her and she smiled. "My husband loves T-bones,
but honestly, at these prices, I don't know."

I swallowed the emotion down my throat and met her pale blue eyes.

"My husband passed away eight days ago," I told her. Glancing at
the package in her hands, I fought to control the tremble in my voice.
"Buy him the steaks. And cherish every moment you have together."

She shook her head and I saw the emotion in her eyes as she placed
the package in her basket and wheeled away.

I turned and pushed my cart across the length of the store to the
dairy products. There I stood, trying to decide which size milk I should buy. A quart, I finally decided and moved on to the ice cream. If nothing else, I could always fix myself an ice cream cone.

I placed the ice cream in my cart and looked down the aisle toward
the front. I saw first the green suit, then recognized the pretty lady
coming towards me. In her arms she carried a package. On her face was
the brightest smile I had ever seen. I would swear a soft halo encircled her blonde hair as she kept walking toward me, her eyes holding mine.

As she came closer, I saw what she held and tears began misting in
my eyes. "These are for you," she said and placed three beautiful long
stemmed yellow roses in my arms. "When you go through the line, they
will know these are paid for." She leaned over and placed a gentle kiss
on my cheek, then smiled again. I wanted to tell her what she'd done,
what the roses meant, but still unable to speak, I watched as she walked away as tears clouded my vision!

I looked down at the beautiful roses nestled in the green tissue
wrapping and found it almost unreal. How did she know? Suddenly the
answer seemed so clear. I wasn't alone.

Oh, you haven't forgotten me, have you? I whispered, with tears in
my eyes. He was still with me, and she was his angel.

Every day, be thankful for what you have and who you are.

Even though I clutch my blanket and growl when the alarm rings,
thank you, Lord, that I can hear. There are many who are deaf.

Even though I keep my eyes closed against the morning light as long
as possible, Thank you, Lord, that I can see. Many are blind.

Even though I huddle in my bed and put off rising, thank you, Lord,
that I have the strength to rise. There are many who are bedridden.

Even though the first hour of my day is hectic, when socks are
lost, toast is burned, tempers are short, and my children are so loud,
Thank you, Lord, for my family. There are many who are lonely.

Even though our breakfast table never looks like the picture in
magazines and the menu is at times unbalanced, Thank you, Lord, for the
food we have. There are many who are hungry.

Even though the routine of my job often is monotonous, thank you,
Lord, for the opportunity to work. There are many who have no job.

Even though I grumble and bemoan my fate from day to day and wish
my circumstances were not so modest, thank you, Lord, for life.

A friend is someone we turn to when our spirits need a lift. A friend is someone to treasure.

For friendship is a gift. A friend is someone who fills our lives
with beauty, joy and grace and makes the world we live in a better and
happier place.

You all are my friends. Thank you for keeping my spirits up.

Cherishing every Moment
Tina

Tuesday, March 21, 2006 9:35 AM CST

I hate I have kept everyone waiting so long but the truth is I am still waiting as well. The thought now is no news is good news. It appears that the bruises were caused by thrombophlebitis most likely caused by me taking estrogen. Poor Jeff now gets to live with me while I see how it goes not taking it.

I have a specail prayer request for a special family. Hayden's friend Megan, father passed away on Saturday evening. He was 37 and had been diagnosed with cancer about 4 days before this. His wife Shelly is the one who did so much for the family from New Orleans when they were up here. She went out of her way to help this family. Megan is a freshman at the high school and I know she has a little sister in elementary school. The funeral is today so I ask you to say a special prayer for this family.

Hayden has really worried about this. I think it really hit too close to home for him. I know he wanted to be there for Megan more but just didn't feel like he could. She understands but he just feels bad.

He is also taking graduate exit exams this week so special prayers for him with those.

I hope you all have a great day.

Only By His Grace
Tina

Monday, March 20, 2006 10:45 AM CST

My life just cannot be simple. I think I neglected my health for so long that it is catching up with me. I went to the doctor Friday because I had bruises all over my legs. I didn't say anything about it because I have to sayI was a little concerned. Soemetimes having a child with cancer you learn to much most of it bad. Dr. Phillips decided Ihad thrombophlebitis and I got a shot of celestone which seems to be making a differece. At least I have no new bruises. This morning I had to go to the hospital and have a doppler ultrasound of my legs, checking for clots. I am waiting to hear thr results of that. I am sure there is nothing but you have to know there is some anxiety associated with the whole process not to mention I had to wait in my favorite waiting room(the one where Stanton was diagnosed). This caused a small panic attack.

Overall the wekend was uneventful, we just tried to stay dry.

I will update more when I have my final results.

In Him
Tina

Friday, March 17, 2006 10:39 AM CST

I decided to go back to my old time of journaling. I think I shocked a few too many of you yesterday by being so early.

Yesterday was a busy day. Work was hectic and the baseball tournament started. Hayden and team played well (yes he played 1 inning). It is supposed to rain but I wish it woudl wait untiil Sat. night and let us get finished.

I don't really have much to share today. My mind is really preoccupied but will share more on that later.

Here is an email I got today that I thought was a neat little prayer:

St. Theresa's Prayer:

May today there be peace within.

May you trust God that you are exactly where you are meant to be

May you not forget the infinite possibilities that are born of faith.

May you use those gifts that you have received, and pass on the

love that has been given to you...

May you be content knowing you are a child of God...

Let this presence settle into your bones, and allow your soul the

freedom to sing, dance, praise and love.

It is there for each and every one of us.

Content ?????
Tina

Thursday, March 16, 2006 6:46 AM CST

Yes, you are looking at the correct time. I am not only up but have worked for an hour now. I wish I was more of a morning person because it is mornings like these that I realize I sleep through some of God’s greatest artwork. I got to my office, opened the windows and the birds are up chirping, the sun is rising, it is just a very peaceful time which means I had a great conversation with God.

As for Hayden’s game last night let’s just say my mother taught me if you didn’t have anything good to say then not to say anything at all so that is what I am doing, biting my tongue not commenting!!!!!!!

My therapy yesterday actually went very well which was a big relief to me since I had had a rough couple of weeks before that. We actually agreed on a couple of things. You all know how I like things to go my way so this is always good. My counselor is incredible at figuring me out right when I get there. I am not sure how because I don’t have myself figured out most of the time. We talked about several things that I needed to get out of my system and I felt so much better.

Today Hayden’s team’s baseball tournament starts. I was half way looking forward too it and now I am just ready for it to be over. I am actually ready for baseball to be over. Again, a story for another day.

I heard this song coming to work this morning and it is not a Christian song but as I listened to the lyrics I was reminded of many promises God makes to us in the Bible. It is by Trisha Yearwood and Garth Brooks.

Hold on like there's no tomorrow
There can be no sorrow
Right here where we stand
And living only for this moment
All we've ever wanted
Is right here in our hands
(God tells us not to worry about tomorrow, tomorrow will worry about itself. I love the part about living for this moment-it only brings back good memories of when we truly lived each minute to the fullest and treasuring every second. There were many times when we knew that all we ever wanted and needed was right there with us. Many times at St. Jude when the 4 of us would be there as a family I would want to just stop time and let it be. I still live life differently, I tend to notice things such as the sunrise and sunset, clouds and stars. I don’t forget to tell Hayden I love him. Yes, things are different)

And some will say that we're sure to fall
Try and build their walls between us

No way over it, no way around it
If we want it, we have to go through it
Fight for love and the world tries to break us down
But the world will bend and the fight will end
Love will always win
(This chorus reminds me of how as Christians we are often faced with doubts from other nonbelievers, especially in times of trials and troubles. Satan is everywhere and he will try to bring us down. I also thought of how many times when we were facing Stanton’s illness did we say “we can’t go over it or around it we have to face it head on”. I have also said this about the grief after his death. I can’t run from it, hide from it, I have to grow right through the middle no matter how bad it hurts. In the end though I know that God’s love will win and I will be Home with Him.)

Hold on 'til we see tomorrow
There is time to borrow 'til we own our own
Walk on and our hearts will lead us
But our hearts will need us to be steady and strong
So we can stand and face the fire
Burning higher and higher

No way over it, no way around it
If we want it, we have to go through it
Fight for love and the world tries to break us down
But the world will bend and the fight will end
Love will always win

No, we know that a rainbow ends
Beyond dark skies

No way over it, no way around it, no
If we want it, we have to go through it
Fight for love and the world tries to break us down
But the world will bend and the fight will end
And the world will bend and the fight will end
Love will always win

I know I twisted the lyrics to mean what I wanted them too but I just couldn’t help but think of how closely this relates to my life in general and my walk with God. I have had to stand up and be strong, relying only on Him to walk me through the walls and the fire, and through the dark skies. I know there are many more walls and fire to walk through, He is not finished with me yet. I will just continue to pray for the strength to push through these walls and glorifying His name.

Thankful that Love always wins
Tina

Wednesday, March 15, 2006 10:26 AM CST

Not having a great day so the posting will be short. Not really any one thing just a combination of several. Hayden is not having a great week, I miss Stanton more then ever, sometimes the days seem so long!

I promise a better update tomorrow. Thought I would leave you with a smile:

A man was flying from Seattle to San Francisco and the plane
had a layover
in Sacramento. The flight attendant explained that there would
be a delay,
and if the passengers wanted to get off the aircraft, the plane
would
re- board in one hour. Everybody got off the plane except one
gentleman.

Another man had noticed him as he walked by ! and could tell
the gentleman was
blind because his Seeing Eye dog lay quietly underneath the
seats in front
of him throughout the entire flight.

He could also tell that he had flown this very flight before
because the
pilot approached him, and calling him by name, said, "Keith,
we're in
Sacramento for an hour, would you like to get off and stretch
your legs? "

The blind man replied, "No thanks, but maybe my dog would like
to stretch
his legs."

Now picture this:

All the people in the gate area came to a complete standstill
when they
looked up and saw the pilot walk off the plane with a Seeing
Eye dog! The
pilot was even wearing sunglasses. People scattered. They not
only tried to
change planes, but they were trying to change airlines!

True story....Have a great day and remember... Things aren't
always as they
seem.

Trying to pick myself up
Tina

Tuesday, March 14, 2006 10:53 AM CST

So, for the first time in weeks my wound is smaller!!!!!!!!! YEAH!!! It takes little to make me happy these days.

Hayden has a ballgame, actually a double header tonight. It is varsity so chances are he won’t play but we will be there. He’s schedule keeps me very busy these days. He made a couple of plays at second last night but had trouble at the plate. I enjoyed getting to watch the game with almost all of my nieces and nephew.

I got a really neat card from a prayer warrior last week and as I read the poem I was thinking “this is something I am going to share”. I love getting cards from people who share with me what the journal means to them.

The Way to God by Helen Steiner Rice

If my days were untroubled
And my heart always light,
Would I seek that fair land
Where there is no night?
If I never grew weary
With the weight of my load,
Would I search for God’s peace
At the end of the road?
If I never knew sickness and never felt pain,
Would I reach for a hand to help and sustain?
If I walked not with sorrow
And lived not with loss,
Would my soul seek sweet solace
At the foot of the cross?
If all I desired was mine day by day,
Would I kneel before God
And earnestly pray?
I ask myself this,
And the answer is plain-
If my life were all pleasure
And I never knew pain,
I’d seek God less often
And need Him much less,
For God’s sought more often
In times of distress-
And no one knows God
Or sees Him as plain
As those who have met Him
On the pathway of pain.

This could not be more appropriate. I hope you all have a great day!

Seeking Him more often
Tina

Monday, March 13, 2006 10:43 AM CST

Good Monday morning all! That is what I am telling myself anyway. I am not a good Monday person anyway but I woke up tired and that is never a good thing. Jeff got called to work at 2:00 this morning so say a special prayer for him as I know he is exhausted.

Our weekend was about the same except we did not have ballgames Saturday which was a bad thing because that meant we lost Friday night. It was not pretty. Our boys just did not play ball well. Hayden has a JV game tonight and a Varsity game tomorrow.

Saturday I got to go watch Mary Claire play soccer. I have to say this is much more interesting than t-ball at this age. The kids did great! We are not from a big soccer area so not many of the dads had played soccer or knew much about it but I have to say that Mark (Mary Claire’s coach) must have been reading up because he had the kids doing incredibly well. Mary Claire scored at least 3 times although once was in the wrong goal! She is just like her mother, when she scored she did a little dance on the field. Reminded me of a time when Jamie actually caught a fly ball and they had to stop the ballgame so Jamie could jump up and down and dance. Needless to say she is not the most athletic of the bunch!!!!

Saturday was also Sadie Hawkins for Hayden and I have to say, I called my mom and told her I now knew what she felt like on all of those nights when I headed out the door. Hayden is a good kid but I also know that good kids can have a lapse of judgement. He was driving which was my first gut wrenching thought. All of you with teenagers know exactly what I am talking about. I really feel for my mom and dad during all of my teenage years. I was one who didn’t always make the best judgement calls. All in all they had a good night, Hayden did great as always but I was glad to hear him come in the door.

Yesterday in church it was youth Sunday and we had a special teacher in our class. I had read the lesson ahead of time and I knew it was going to a hard one for me. Borden did an incredible job teaching the lesson and had so many valid points that were not in the book. Needless to say I was impressed. The lesson was on prayer and Jesus teaching the disciples how to pray. It broke down the Lord’s prayer and we got to interpret what our meaning of the prayer was, how God intended for us to pray and if we were praying how God wanted us to. Some of my favorite points were:

Persistence: God wants us to be persistent in our prayer life even if we don’t feel like He is answering our prayers. God doesn’t care if we ask for the same thing over and over. His will is perfect and will be done in His time. Just remember that although we pray persistently our answer to pray may be different than God’s answer.

Temptation: God does not tempt us but we do live in a sinful world. Satan tempts us and God allows these temptations for the same reasons He allows trials and difficulties, so that we may grow to be more like Him. How we handle the temptations can help or hinder our relationship with Him.

Asking forgiveness: I loved the point Borden made when this came up. Jesus dies to forgive our sins, past, present and future so why do we need to ask God for forgiveness when we sin? The answer would be to acknowledge to God that you know that you have sinned and ask Him for forgiveness for that particular sin. By acknowledging before God you will be more aware before you make the same mistake again.

Asking for only what you need: There is no need to ask God for anything beyond what you need at the exact moment. God will provide for you. He wants you to be in constant conversation with Him and if you are then you need not ask for more than what you need at the moment.

His kingdom: Our job as Christians is to bring God’s kingdom to earth. We do this in our everyday actions. By sharing with others what God has done for us and asking them to share in this kingdom with us.

This was a great lesson and once again Borden you did a great job. I know your parents were so proud. It took a lot to get up in front of a room full of people and teach something you obviously had looked at very hard. I hope you learned as much as I did.

Yesterday afternoon Hayden and I spent the day at the angel garden getiing ready for easter. Stanton has an easter tree but I think when the wind gets through it is going to be a tree. I will have to take Mary Claire and Elynn Kate on an egg hunt to find the eggs that were on his tree.

Special prayers for all of our St. Jude warriors still in the fight, Jake, Ben, Brent, Madelyn, Christal, Emilie and so many more I can’t even begin to name.

Persistently Praying
Tina

Has anyone checked out the date of today. One year and one month, still not any easier!

Friday, March 10, 2006 11:06 AM CST

Okay, I am in sooooo much trouble. Not only is my update late but I didn’t update yesterday at all and on top of all of that I picked on my favorite father-in-law at a meeting. I guess it is a good thing he loves me so much (yes, I am sucking up because yes he will read this). I do have an okay excuse though. I took a day off from work yesterday to get some things done and one of those things was a speaking engagement.

I spoke to the Minden Lion’s Club at noon yesterday. I must first say thank you once again to my new PR person, Mr. Ken Garcin. I must say I was a little nervous when you asked me to speak to a group of only men but it was great and I had a good time. To the Lion’s Club members-thank you so much for being so attentive to what I was saying. I promise you I was speaking straight from my heart. Thank you for all of the hugs and words of encouragement after the meeting. I know you all can help me make a difference in the lives of these children. To O.H.-my dearest FAVORITE father-in-law, thank you for being my family support yesterday. You didn’t look at me much but I didn’t know if it was because you were mad at me for picking on you or because you knew I would cry if I looked at you. You know I would have. As usual you will never know what it means for you to be proud of me and support me in all of my endeavours. I am lucky to have someone like you who I consider so much more than an in-law. I am honored to call you father.

After the meeting I tried to journal but ended up in a conversation with a very special person in my life. She was going through things I couldn’t even begin to imagine and my heart broke for her. You know who you are and know that I am praying for you. I love you like my family.

Hayden is in a baseball tournament this weekend so that is where we will be all weekend. I think Jeff finished the dirt for our house so I am hoping in the next few weeks to be actually building a new house. I guess I better get to some decision making.

Thank you to all who wrote to Senator Vitter. The response you all received was a letter that is generated for anyone who write to him about cancer in general. I have received the same letter 3 times. I have talked with his office again and have been assured that he will be reviewing each of the emails sent and that they will not be put off with this standard letter. Thank you Mr. and Mrs. Broughton for being of such great assistance with this.

Sorry this is short. Hope you all have a great and blessed weekend

By His Grace Alone
Tina

Wednesday, March 8, 2006 9:37 AM CST

UPDATE: I am having trouble getting a response from Senator David Vitter's office in co-sponsoring the Childhood Cancer Act of 2006. I ask for your help in emailing him if you are from Louisiana reminding him that we elected him into office to do what is best for all the people of Louisiana that includes the children. I am putting a link on the bottom of the page. If you will, let me know if you email so I can keep it in my files. Thank you for your support.

Sorry to disappoint anyone but I did not have a great evening nor am I having a great morning so rather than journal I am going to keep these feelings to me.

I will share a neat email:

Clay Balls
A man was exploring caves by the seashore. In one of the caves he found a canvas bag with a bunch of hardened clay balls. It was like someone had rolled clay balls and left them out in the sun to bake.

They didn't look like much, but they intrigued the man, so he took the bag out of the cave with him. As he strolled along the beach, he would throw
the clay balls one at a time out into the ocean as far as he could.

He thought little about it, until he dropped one of the clay balls and it cracked open on a rock. Inside was a beautiful, precious stone

Excited, the man started breaking open the remaining clay balls. Each contained a similar treasure. He found thousands of dollars worth of jewels in the 20 or so clay balls he had left. Then it struck him

He had been on the beach a long time. He had thrown maybe 50 or 60 of the clay balls with their hidden treasure into the ocean waves. Instead of
thousands of dollars in treasure, he could have taken home tens of thousands, but he had just thrown it away

It's like that with people. We look at someone, maybe even ourselves, and we see the external clay vessel. It doesn't look like much from the outside. It isn't always beautiful or sparkling, so we discount it.

We see that person as less important than someone more beautiful or stylish or well known or wealthy But we have not taken the time to find the treasure hidden inside that person.

There is a treasure in each and ! every one of us. If we take the time to get to know that person, and if we ask God to show us that person the way He
sees them, then the clay begins to peel away and the brilliant gem begins to shine forth.

May we not come to the end of our lives and find out that we have thrown away a fortune in friendships because the gems were hidden in bits of clay. May we see the people in our world as God sees them

I am so blessed by the gems of friendship I have with each of you.

Thank you for looking beyond my clay vessel,
Tina

Tuesday, March 7, 2006 11:40 AM CST

Let’s just say I could start off this journal griping about several things but instead I am choosing to spare you of that. I will keep my griping to myself. Please just pray that I can get over some of the edginess (if that is a word) I am experiencing lately. I can give some reasons why I am guessing that I am struggling but no one thing that I can put my hand on. This whole new house thing. Don’t get me wrong I am very excited but Stanton lived with us in our house now, although I consider his home Memphis. Hayden is growing up and doesn’t need me much anymore except for money. Sometimes I really miss him when he is not around. I have several things going on right now that are taking a lot of time, etc. I think you get the idea.

Hayden had a JV ballgame last night. He did really well on second base and got a couple of hits at the plate. He said he did terrible but he thinks one error messed up his whole game.

Jeff is still working on dirt. I really hope today consists of moving dirt that is there and not bringing in more dirt.

I want to keep going with my book so today is Chapter 11, “Love Found a Way to Bring Us Home”

This chapter starts off talking about the song “I’ll Be Home for Christmas” and refers to Christmas as such a special time when so many families try to be together. Some accomplish this while others have to spend Christmas apart. Some even experience Christmas apart by choice. He talks about the day we will all be Home for Christmas, Home to celebrate His day with Him. I agree with the author in this being a day that I long for.

The Lord anticipates this day as well. We were never put here on earth to live forever. The ultimate plan is that we would some day go home to be with our Lord. He wants us to be where He is.

You and I celebrate Christmas from an earthly point of view. From our perspective, He came down to us, lived among us for a time, died in our place, and then ascended into heaven. But what would those events look like from an angels perspective? We mark His coming, they watched Him leave. We celebrate His arrival; they remember His departure. We rejoice because of His presence; they experienced His absence. We note that He left earth and ascended; they welcomed Him home.

Heaven is not a dream, it is a reality more solid than anything we have ever experienced. The Light of the Lamb will illuminate the new heaven and earth forever and ever. The Son of God is going to come take us home. He is preparing a place for each of us right now. In some sense He prepared that place when He died on the cross and enduring the penalty meant for you and me. There would be no thought or hope of heaven if God had not sent His only begotten son.

Being a believer makes life here on earth as good as it can be. In His love, God has found a way to bring us salvation, help, hope, counsel, joy and more blessings than we can count. But the best is yet to come. We will live with Him, walk with Him, speak with Him, and rule and reign with Him forever and ever.

Remember as you read this that it is a Christmas book that I am finishing with you. As I read this chapter and finished this chapter I thought to myself. Stanton is already experiencing the power of this wonderful place. Oh how jealous I am that he gets to see Jesus face to face. I long for the day. As the song says I am a little Homesick!

Looking Forward to the Day
Tina

By the way Jamie is fine. They removed the needle from her finger without incident but they did spend all day in the ER. Thank you “Kenall” for saving the day. I know the girls had fun.

Monday, March 6, 2006 12:50 AM CST

Sorry I am running a little late today. It has been an interesting morning. As for the weekend, it was a weekend of ballgames.

I will say I am a little frustrated so I want go into much detail for Hayden's sake but let's just say "Hayden's" team won the tournament. He really didn't have anything to do with it. Again, I won't get started.

Jeff spent the weekend on a dozer getting our house pad built. He is hoping to finish today. One more step and again as usual I have mixed feelings.

This morning I got a call from mom telling me Jamie had been doing something and stuck her Epi-pen in her thumb. The paramedics couldn't get it out because it was in the bone so she ended up in the ER all morning. I know my mom is just wishing we would all settle down and give her a break.

Hayden has a JV ballgame tonight so we will be at the ball park. Hope you all have a good day.

In Him
Tina

Friday, March 3, 2006 9:38 AM CST

It is going to be another good day or so I am saying. It worked yesterday so I thought I would try again.

Hayden’s team lost their ballgame last night but never fear we get to play again this afternoon. It has been an every night event this week. Hayden was a little upset after the game last night. He didn’t get to play and I don’t know if that had something to do with it but when I said there is no since arguing with me about it his comment was “Well I need someone to argue with because I feel like arguing”. Being the arguer I am I kept him going until Jeff got there and then turned him loose on Jeff.

I got to talk to one of Stanton’s prayer warriors on the phone yesterday and it was such a blessing to me. I knew there was a reason I picked yesterday to call just wasn’t sure why. You see, mom had been asking me to pray for her (she is going through some physical difficulties) and asked if I would give her a call maybe to lift her spirits. As you all know I haven’t been in the spirit lifting mood but yesterday I thought “It is a good day I am going to call”. When Stacy called me back it was her birthday! We visited all the way home and I know I called to lift her spirits but boy did she do wonders for mine. Listening to her story and how the pieces fell together it once again reminded me that God is always at work and even though we don’t always understand He knows what is best. Stacy-you and your family will continue to be in my prayers. Thank you so much for calling me back yesterday God knew you were exactly what I needed.

Mom, Dad, Jamie and family are traveling on a weekend get away today so please pray for safe travels and a nice trip for them. I wanted to go so bad but we had baseball.

Now, I know you are waiting on the next chapter of the book but it will have to wait because I have to share with you how God worked in my life once again yesterday. He gave me my answers in black and white and left me no room for guessing. I know yesterday I mentioned my prayer and my visit to the angel garden. What I didn’t mention was while at the angel garden through tears I said “God, just let me know that he is okay. Some how, some way let me know that he is fine and wants me to move on”. I knew this was a crazy request but I had to try.

Now onto the story which will take you back to Sept. 4, 2004 when a very special person walked into St. Jude not really sure where he was going but he knew exactly who he was looking for. His name was Gerhard and he is from Texas. He had been a prayer warrior for awhile and his travels were taking him through Memphis. After much discussion with his wife and family he decided that he could not come through Memphis without at least trying to meet Stanton and Emma Grace. Who knew at that time what a decision that would be. Stanton had just gotten out of ICU and mom, Jamie and the girls were there. When he walked in the door he knew everybody by name and what they had been doing lately. He obviously read my journal. We had a great visit, probably longer than he would have liked but we loved adult company and conversation. He came bearing gifts for the kids and did get a chance to meet Trish, Barney and Emma Grace. This friendship continued through telephone conversations and emails. He was just an incredible guy who always had just the right words to say. This story could get very long so I will jump to the Philadelphia part. You see, Gerhard’s family is from Philadelphia and he always joked about me and his sister Liz being so much alike. When we went to Philly for treatment he arranged it so that Liz, her daughter Sydney (who is Stanton’s age), his other sister Christina and Oma (his mom) to pick us up one afternoon and show us around. I had never felt more comfortable around “strangers” before and it didn’t take long until it felt more like family. Gerhard was right Liz and I could be long lost sisters. It was a very adventurous day to say the least but amazing how it had worked out that rather than sitting in the hotel room we spent the day with amazing people. Liz and her husband also took us to the airport which was also an experience. I learned with Liz that everything can be an experience. After Philly I now had more knew family/friends that we kept in touch with. I knew that although Liz had only met Stanton once she had fallen in love with him. Over the next months Gerhard would make a trip to Memphis with his 2 children to play with Stanton. Again, amazing that he would go to great lengths for someone he barely knew. On the Saturday morning before Stanton earned his wings I looked down the hall at the hospital and there was Gerhard with family in tow including Oma. He said “something just told me I needed to be hear and Sandra said let’s go”. Again, he had no idea how much we needed him there. Now you are saying why in the world has she gone into this long story. As you can see God used this family to touch our family in a very special way. We continue to keep in touch and yesterday when I got to work I got the neatest email from Liz. I hope she doesn’t mind but I can’t summarize it so I am going to quote some of it “Well, I think that someone was desperately trying to get one of his prayer warrior’s attention yesterday! Since I got your email, I have been thinking of all of you sooo much. Well, yesterday at work I was going through some really old files and I looked at this letter from a Dr’s office: “Dr STANTON Lawford” – Ok, so I smile and say “hello Buddy”. Then, last night after Sydney’s final indoor soccer game, we went out to Friendly’s for ice cream – of course she gets a balloon and no sooner are we out the door, there it goes up to the sky. I said “who did you send the balloon to?” (knowing full well who she sent it to, just wanting to hear her say it) and she replies with this attitude-packed phrase: “Stanton mommy!”, like “duh, who else would I be sending it to?!?” Finally, last night was the clincher. I had the most vivid, beautiful dream! My family was on a plane to Minden, La – we get off the plane and you, Jeff and Hayden are at the airport waiting to pick us up. After giving us a tour of down-town Minden, we go to your house. I’m in the bathroom washing my hands and look in the mirror and who is standing behind me? I turn around and there is Stanton with that most-gorgeous smile! He doesn’t say anything, then he walks to another room – Matthew then comes up to me and says “did you just see a little boy?” And I said “yes”. He said with a smile “was that……” I said “yes it was”. He runs to you to tell you and you say “I know Matt, he’s with us every minute of everyday” and sure enough, there he was sitting right there with all of us. I then of course woke up to the annoying buzz of the alarm, but it was the MOST BEAUTIFUL dream. I woke up saying “OK, buddy, I get the message!” I truly believe our loved ones communicate with us through our dreams – I am HONORED that Stanton chose me last night to communicate to. I know it was for a purpose – Maybe he knew I would email you today. Maybe he knew that you are missing him sooo much and maybe he knew that I would share this story with you and it would bring a smile to your face because he knows how happy it makes you to hear stories about him! Who knows – only he knows! “

I sat there and cried and cried. There was my answer. Stanton was okay and he would want me to find happiness again. I was once again in awe of how God can answer a simple prayer with such a simple answer. No guessing on my part, I know it was God.

Liz-I hope you did not mind me sharing but I knew no other way of getting my point across. This email is one that I will cherish for the rest of my life because it was such an answer to a prayer. I long for the day that I will see Stanton in a dream but until then I will continue to listen to others dreams about him. You and I both know that this was no coincidence. I will forever be thankful to God for giving Gerhard the strength to stop at St. Jude that night that seems like so long ago. Because of him I feel part of an extended family all over the U.S. I love you girl!

Knowing Stanton is on my shoulder
Tina

Thursday, March 2, 2006 10:19 AM CST

Today is going to be a good day! I woke up and decided that it was time that I stop my pity party. Well, actually my therapist had said it was supposed to stop last Saturday but I have never been one to follow directions well. After another grueling session yesterday of hearing all of the things I needed to be told but didn’t want to hear I am going to try to move forward. Of course, the first thing out of my mouth this morning was a plea to God to help me because I knew there was not doing it on my own. I also stopped by the angel garden on the way to work and Stanton and I had a long conversation. I think he would agree with the therapist so here goes. Good day! Good day! Good day!

Last night we had a ballgame (bet you would have never guessed that). It was JV so Hayden played and did okay. He got hit by a pitch (Kendall we were wrong he never complained about his back) and hit the ball but got thrown out at first. I am not sure which side of the family he gets his speed from but I don’t think it matters. If anyone has pointers on learning to run faster feel free to send them. He plays a Varsity game tonight. The good news is that it is in a different uniform.

I will be busy at work today finishing up month end which is always fun. It does keep me busy though.

Why should we put our hope in the Lord?

1. He has a long term plan for my life. If he loved me, chose me, redeemed me, He has to have a plan for me. God never gives up because he knows there is a better day ahead. He can see at this very moment in my life where I am but He can also knows what His grace and kindness will one day accomplish in my life. When He says “I will never leave you nor forsake you” that is not just one of those comforting verses you can put in your pocket for a rainy day. What He is saying is “I’m going to walk with you everyday. I have an agenda and a plan, I and will not abandon the process for one single day. I am going to be on the job every moment of your life, working to bring it to pass, I am going to supervise this job.” Through everything that happens to me, whether good or bad, helpful or hurtful, blessing or burden, He is gradually conforming me into the very image of His Son. Why would I not put my hope in Him.
2. Because He hears my prayers. We often pray for things and the answers don’t seem to come. People will begin to question where is our God when we are praying. If we continue to pray faithfully we will be rewarded. As Christians we have direct access to the throne of the Father. We can come before Him with confidence knowing he not only hears but will answer our prayers. Why else should I not fix my hope on the Lord?
3. Because He knows exactly what I need. I have experienced this first hand so many times over the last 3 years. I am sure I experienced it before that but was not open eyed enough to notice it. Just at the right time God gives me exactly what I need. For example a call about 10:00 last night from my very best friend, Trish. God knew just her voice would calm me down and He was right. The reason we can have hope is not just because God has an agenda and a plan, not just because he can hear our prayers, but because He knows precisely what we need. He knows what to give me. He knows that my needs this year are different from last years. He knows what would encourage my heart and bring me joy. Why else should I place the full weight of my hope in the Lord?
4. Because He will show me how to be a source of hope to others. This is one that really hit me hard because I do not feel as if I have been this source the last week or so. Healing in our heart happens often when we look beyond our own pain and hurt and seek to help others. When we pour our hope out of our lives into the lives of others, we never have to worry about a shortfall. The God of hope fills us up again-to overflowing-with a fresh supply. I think I need to work on this some.

The hope Jesus brought to earth when He arrived in a Bethlehem manger was confirmed and made eternal when He later arose from a borrowed tomb after being crucified for our sins. And yet we don’t always see it that way. Jesus came to bring us hope, and He died and rose again to make that hope spring eternal in our hearts. Christmas and Easter are a package deal! Both together prove that love will always find a way.

I hope you can see why I liked this chapter so. Today’s was a little harder to type because I didn’t feel I was living what I was saying but it was also a way for me to have some accountability and to remind myself of that accountability not to you all but to God. There are many reasons to have hope. My goal was if you are feeling hopeless that these 4 things might give you a reason to look up. The Son is always there.

Finding Hope to Bring Hope
Tina

Afterthought: Hayden's baseball team will be having a tournament March 16-18. They are in need of sponsors so if you are from the area and would be interested in your name being in the program, on a shirt and receiving passes to the games please contact me for details. There is also a way to sponsor an inning and have your company info announced during an inning. Any help would be appreciated.

Wednesday, March 1, 2006 9:44 AM CST

One more uneventful day. I feel like I have nothing to share with you all as our life has really gotten pretty boring.

Hayden had a ballgame but Jeff and I didn’t get to go. It was a varsity game and he didn’t get to play. He does have a JV game tonight at home. Yes that means he will have been in a ball uniform 6 days of this week if they play 2 days in the tournament. He is even learning how to wash his own uniform since I never know which one they are going to wear.

Jeff actually got the stakes in the ground marking off where our house pad will go. This is a small but yet BIG accomplishment for us. We hope to be working on the pad the rest of the week.

I continue to be in this mood. I can’t really explain it. Well, I know what is causing it but can’t put it on the website because it involves a very dear friend. I just feel so helpless in this situation. I know there is a solution and I will find it in time.

Now to Chapter 10 (Probably my favorite) “Love Found a Way to Bring Us Hope”.

“Hope” how often have I and continue to use that word. This book does not talk about the “hope” that we have turned this word into but the hope He had for us when he sent his son. The Bible’s meaning of hope is much different. This is a hope shot through with confidence. This is a hope so muscular it can pull you from a deep pit. This hope is so powerful it can anchor your life-keeping you secure in the highest waves and strongest storms. This hope is stronger than death-a hope upon which you’d stake your life…and your eternity.

Why is the word so strong? Why is it an anchor for our soul? Because of the object upon which that hope is fixed. This isn’t hope for hope’s sake; this is hope centered in an almighty loving, loving Lord. Hope is that which connects us to God and heaven. Hope tells us that no matter what our situation we can rest in the hands of a sovereign God who loves us very much.

The rest of the chapter gives us reasons why we should have hope. I will share those with you tomorrow.

Thank you to all of you who continue to share with me that you are reading and for those who continue to keep us in your prayers.

With Hope
Tina

Tuesday, February 28, 2006 11:40 AM CST

Okay, I am a little later today than usual. I had my weekly wound care appointment. I am getting soooooo tired of that but whatever it takes to make it better.

Yesterday was just another one of those blah days for me. I actually didn’t feel to hot yesterday afternoon but it only lasted about 3 hours.

Hayden had his first JV ballgame last night. They lost but looked okay. I think Hayden got on base twice (?). He hit the ball but not like he should have. I guess that is one thing that I still truly enjoy and that is watching he and Dakota play ball. They go to ElDorado tonight so I won’t make that game. Hayden will probably not play but I hate to miss Dakota.

Back to the book and the ending of Chapter 9. This portion of the chapter talks about how turning things over to God and having peace in no new concept. There are many examples in the Bible:

Mary, the mother of Jesus did not have all of the answers but she had peace. In one sentence Mary told the angel “If that is what He has in mind for me then I don’t have to understand, let it be so.” She simply submitted to God’s will and had peace,

Abraham, the man called “the friend of God” didn’t have all of the answers but he had peace. God asked him to sacrifice his son. He couldn’t imagine why his God would ask such a thing but he didn’t try to figure it out. He simply obeyed reasoning that somehow God would put it all together. When you walk with God and obey His voice, God becomes responsible for your life. The peace comes when you’ve given your hurts and perplexities into His hands.

Habakkuk didn’t have all of the answers. But he did have peace. In the Bible in the book bearing his name, Habakkuk asked the Lord some deep searching questions. He received the answers but they were almost more than he could bear. In the end he simply bowed to a wisdom that was much greater than his own. (Habakkuk 3:17-18)

The apostle Paul didn’t have all of the answers but he did have peace.

Paul was snatched up by Roman soldiers and put into the Roman barracks. The Lord told Paul that he was doing the right thing. Paul found peace in the Lord even in the middle of being incarcerated for doing what God had asked. Paul lived in these conditions knowing that he was there because he believed and he continued to believe even when things seemed unbearable. In Phillipians 4:6-7 Paul does not promise us that we will receive answers to all of our questions. What he does tell us is that “I don’t have peace because I have all of the answers or received what I wanted, but rather because I have given it all to Him. And at the moment I gave it to Him, I began to feel a sense of peace and rest, because I know He is going to care for it all.”

Peter did not have all of the answers but he did have peace. 1 Peter 5:7-9 is a passage that we see often but we just see the first verse. This passage tells us that the devil is like a roaring lion looking for someone to devour. The devil feeds on our worry. Satan wants to keep you in a state of agitation. He wants to see your life filled with anxieties, cares, worries and concerns. He doesn’t want you to experience peace and he certainly wants you separated from the Prince of Peace. The fact is that anything you haven’t surrendered to God becomes lion bait. This is something you may have to do every morning when you wake up.

I thought these were all great examples of how people in the Bible experienced peace amidst the greatest tragedies. All examples in which I can learn from.

Thank you as usual for your continued love, support and prayers!

Needing Absolute Peace
Tina

Monday, February 27, 2006 9:58 AM CST

It was a pretty uneventful weekend around our house this weekend. The ballgame got rained out and the weather was really YUCK!

The Miss Minden Pagent was Sat. evening so we went and watched Whittney compete in the Teen Miss Minden that morning. She was beautiful as always.

For the night pagent I took my 3 nieces (their moms had to work). Luckily Debbie decided she wanted to go. I think I have ruined it for next year though. The kids weren't bad, just hilarious. At one point Mary Claire and Elynn Kate were making shadow puppets in the spotlight and Hollan was mocking the girl on stage. They were certainly the entertainers.

Yesterday was just one of those days when nothing felt right. I hate those days. I cried a good portion of the day. I did manage to pull it together to go to Wal-Mart, got there and my blood sugar dropped so I was pretty miserable and just wanted to hurry and get home.

Like I said very uneventful. Sorry for such a drab update.

By His Grace
Tina

Friday, February 24, 2006 9:58 AM CST

Okay, one more day down. I am beginning to think I may be boring you with my life as lately things have not been very interesting. Hayden is in a baseball tournament that started yesterday. They lost last night and play again tonight at 5. He is not getting to play because there are so many upper classmen above him. JV season will start as soon as we get a date without any rain. Today is actually beautiful which is a change.

Hayden’s world seems to be still going great. Everything is falling into place and he seems pretty happy. I just don’t get to see him much some times and I miss him so. There are times when I long for him to be a baby again so I can just hold him. Even though he is growing up, he still tells me he loves me all of the time (not to much public affection though I have to get that from Dakota) and takes the time to talk to me just when I need him the most. I am one lucky mother.

I guess I will go on with the book and Chapter 9 “Love Found a Way to Bring Us Peace”

Peace is a gift. It is not something money can buy through medication or doctors. It is a gift from God.

People often have many questions and they think having the answers would bring them some peace. This is a conversation held many times at St. Jude with me and several parents. If we could know the outcome ahead of time would we really want to know? My response was “no”. I know the ultimate outcome, heaven but I don’t want to know the earthly outcome of Stanton’s illness. I don’t want to change a thing I am doing. There were obviously different opinions to this question. But would having all of the answers truly give you peace? I don’t think so. I think it would just open the doors for more questions.

The author says and I truly believe that “I have found that peace does not come from obtaining answers but from giving the situation to Jesus Christ, the Prince of Peace. There is a vast difference between surrendering the to the circumstances and surrendering to God. When you give the situation to God, peace results because He becomes responsible for the outcome. If you don’t give it to God the you in essence become responsible.”

That paragraph spoke worlds to me. I know the peace that surrounds you when you truly release a problem to God. I have been there I have felt it. I have also been there when I only half way gave it to God and wanted my hand still in the bucket. That peace does not come. He does not want part of our problems and sorrows, He wants all of them.

Charles Spurgeron once said, “If you do not come to Him, you will receive no peace; if you do not keep near Him you will retain no peace; if you do not grow nearer and nearer to Him, you will miss much of the peace that you might have. Abide in Christ and let Him abide in you and you shall have abundance of peace.”

The rest of this chapter gives Biblical examples of people who did not have answers but who had peace and I will include those in my next update.

Thank you all for continuing to listen to me. I sometimes wonder who is out there and is anyone getting anything from this journal but then someone will sign or email and remind me that there are still many. You all have been such a HUGE support system for me, I could never thank you enough.

Needing Peace Beyond Understanding
Tina

Thursday, February 23, 2006 10:21 AM CST

One more day down. Yesterday was very uneventful just a depressing rainy day. I really hate those. It is so hard to focus.

You all know I am seeing a counselor that I love and each week after my session I leave with a different feeling. He has once told me that I don’t pay him for him to tell me what I want to hear and that he doesn’t. I have really had a hard time with being down and having a “I don’t care attitude” the last few days and that is really not acceptable for me. Not that I can’t have these moments but days at a time really aren’t healthy and I know that, I just don’t care. In the process of talking about this Paul said “what do you think Stanton is saying right now about how you are acting? He is saying ‘Mom, this is not how you taught me to live so why are you doing it?’” As soon as he said it I felt like someone had just punched me in the gut and my response was “No, He would say Mom this is not how I taught you to live.” Which is so true. Stanton taught me so much and one of those things is that you live each day to the fullest regardless of the hand you are dealt. He put up with so much and never gave up or even acted like he wanted to. It was definitely a new perspective for me.

I had started a chapter by chapter account of a book I was reading at Christmas “Love Found A Way” and last night that although I had finished it I had never journaled the ending for you. So I decided to pick up with Chapter 8 “Love found a way to adopt us”

This chapter talks about how God chose us to be His children through the gift of His own Son. Kind of hard to imagine that God chose us even though we don’t always choose him. He sacrificed his Son for people that may or may not even believe He exists.

As the writer accounts a story of a man who adopted several children he described them as all his, they just came to him in different ways. This is the same way that we become children of God. Some of us come as little children while others wait until that is all there is left. Some come to God running with open arms while others turn to Him only after great suffering and heartache. Some come from loving, nurturing environments while others come to Him wounded and abused.

We all come through One Door in different ways, at different times and from different backgrounds. He calls us from various places and speaks to us in various ways-to some with a whisper, some with a shout, some with a warning, and some with a song. But once we step through that Door, we are all just His children, He makes no distinctions between us.

God says to us “I have made you My child and My heir. I will not abandon you. I will not give up on you. I will not find anyone better and walk away.” He wants a relationship with us that never ends.

I really love this book and hope you don’t mind me finishing the last few chapters with you. I am really going to try hard to live like Stanton taught me to and how I know he wants me to now. It is just so hard missing him so.

Blessed to be His child
Tina

Wednesday, February 22, 2006 10:54 AM CST

Well, I was having a pity party and was not going to do a long update but then I got the cutest email which kind of perked me up so lucky you there will be an update.

I have no specific reason for being bummed out it is just one of those days. It rained all the way to work which is very depressing and I guess thoughts of Stanton just came pouring in. It is baseball season and he loved to watch Hayden play ball. I catch myself looking around for him at the games before realizing that he is not there. Last night we heard many airplanes so I know he was there.

Yes, there was a varsity ballgame last night in the fog and misting rain. It was a great game against Benton and our boys won. Garrett pitched an incredible game striking out many. For us fans it was pretty miserable but we do what we have to do.

Jake got his transplant early this morning. You can check the regular updates at www,caringbridge.org/la/jakeowen. My heart has really been with the Raborn’s over the last few weeks as I know how hard some of the decisions we have to make for our children can be. Staci-after talking to you, my spirits were lifted and it should have been the other way around. Your strength and attitude is incredible. We love you all!

The email I got was entitled: If a dog was the teacher you would learn stuff like:

When loved ones come home, always run to greet them.

Allow the experience of fresh air and the wind in your face to be pure ecstasy.

Take naps.

Run, romp, and play daily.

Avoid biting when a simple growl will do.

On warm days, stop to lie on your back in the grass.

Delight in the simple joy of a long walk.

Be loyal. Never pretend to be something you're not.

If what you want lies buried, dig until you find it. (This is one of my favorites)

When someone is having a bad day, be silent, sit close by and nuzzle them gently.
Just thought I would share. Thank you all!

Needing His help more today than ususal
Tina

Tuesday, February 21, 2006 12:05 AM CST

Well my snow day is over. It had its ups and downs. I guess it wasn't the ideal time for me to be stuck inside with time on my hands. Hayden did a great job of keeping me company most of the day but every game we played he won and wondered why I didn't want to play anymore.

Last week was so busy my mind had little time to focus on anything but the present. This week that is not the case and my mind wanders. Sometimes to far off places that I long to be and other times not so far but to a very painful place.

I feel like my journal has not been what it should be. I seldom put any words of great wisdom on here and I hate that. The problem is finding that wisdom. I know God is listening and in his own time is going to show me scriptures and devotions that are directed at me but right now they are either the same thing I have written time and time again or pretty confusing.

I listened to a song this morning that was a reminder to me that as you see people and things aren't how you would have them remember there is more to that person that their outside appearance. I know there are many days when I hurt so bad but if you were to see me you would never know it and there are others when my emotions are worn on my sleeve. I don't want people to judge me for either of these case, yet understand and love me regardless. I can say this journey had opened my eyes to people and their feelings. I am a lot less quick to judge someone based on what is going on at that moment.

As I was looking at a book Hayden gave me and found this verse: "The moment I called out, you stepped in; you made my life large with strength." Psalm 138:3

Sometimes I begin to wonder "where is God while I am hurting so bad? Where is He when I can't seem to sleep? Where is He when Jeff and I are arguing? Where is He when my heart is breaking beyond imagination?" The answer is He is always right there with me. Holding my hand, lending me his shoulder to cry on, letting me sit in his lap, picking me up when I can't stand. That is where He is. He didn't hang, pierced to that wooden cross for nothing. He hung there for me. He hung there to take away my pain. I am God's child and just like in any family when your children hurt so do you. When I hurt God hurts with me. Imagine a God such as mine taking the time to hurt with me and everyone else that is hurting.

I know how easy it can be to want to stay curled up in bed and forget the world existed but I also know that all I have to do is ask and God will pick me up and get me through each day.

I think I have rambled but as you can probably tell my mind is just racing.

Please remember to pray for Jake today and tonight as he will be getting his donor cells tonight at midnight. I talked to Staci and all seem to be in good spirits. I wish I could be there with them.

Don't forget to continue prayers for Mrs. Joyce and her family. She is still in ICU making small steps of improvement.

Counting on Him
Tina

Monday, February 20, 2006 10:22 AM CST

Okay, I think this is going to be short and sweet. It is cold rainy and icy here. I am actually working from home right now waiting to see if the roads clear enough to get to work.

The weekend consisted of very little because of the cold rainy weather. We did attend a donkey basketball game Sat. night. I have decided that this may have crossed the Redneck line, I watched NASCAR all day and donkey basketball that night. Ya think????

I laughed more at the basketball game that I have in a long time. I am glad no one got hurt but I think there were probably a couple that weren't walking to well yesterday.

Sorry this is so short but I need to try to work. Please continue to remember Joyce in your prayers. Don't forget Jake is having his transplant soon. Mo is doing a great job keeping his website updated.

In Him
Tina

Friday, February 17, 2006 10:24 AM CST

It always amazes me that the weather can go from 80 degrees to 40 degrees overnight. That is exactly what has happened and they are even predicting some freezing rain and sleet this weekend. Yuck!!!

I have to say that speaking to the JOY group at First Baptist Church last night was truly an uplifting experience for me. I have learned that through sharing Stanton’s story I find some healing. This group was incredible and listened so intently to everything I said. I talked a lot about my trip to Washington which was a new topic and really kind of fun. Of course I shared much about Stanton and how amazing he was and continues to be. To all of you who were there last night, thank you for being so kind to me. I may have to come back just for the fun some time.

Mom-thanks for showing up for support last night. I know you have heard the story , I guess you live the story daily and don’t have to hear me tell it yet you show up time after time for me. Thanks again for continuing to be the mother that thinks of her children first even after we are grown.

Sug-I had fun coming to get you and bringing you with me. You know I am always good for a ride. It felt good to walk in with you to show everyone the love that you have for all of us Haynes’ even if it is in name only. You love us all unconditionally and have continued to be such a support system for me and Jeff. I love you!

Mr. Ken-I had so much fun last night. That is one wild group you’ve got there. I can’t thank you enough for asking me to come share my story. I guess it is the one thing that I will never get tired of. I am here for you if you need anything. Thank you again!

Elynn Kate started to school yesterday. I know this is a big adjustment for her and I ask for you to pray that she does okay. The first day was good, or so she said. That is after we worked out that she really did not have to go to time out. While talking to me she was most convincing and I was just a little aggravated that they would send her to time out on her first day. As usual Elynn Kate was just a little elaborate with me and she did not have to go to time out although she did have to be quiet at naptime. She is a MESS!

I think I have shared this song with you before but I heard it again this morning after a mom talked about losing her 4 day old child. Once again, it hit me straight to the core so I wanted to share it with you again.

Held
Natalie Grant
Two months is too little.
They let him go.
They had no sudden healing.
To think that providence would
Take a child from his mother while she prays
Is appalling.
Who told us we'd be rescued?
What has changed and why should we be saved from nightmares?
We're asking why this happens
To us who have died to live?
It's unfair.
Chorus:
This is what it means to be held.
How it feels when the sacred is torn from your life
And you survive.
This is what it is to be loved.
And to know that the promise was
When everything fell we'd be held.
This hand is bitterness.
We want to taste it, let the hatred numb our sorrow.
The wise hand opens slowly to lilies of the valley and tomorrow.
(Chorus)
This is what it means to be held.
How it feels when the sacred is torn from your life
And you survive.
This is what it is to be loved.
And to know that the promise was
When everything fell we'd be held.
Bridge:
If hope is born of suffering.
If this is only the beginning.
Can we not wait for one hour watching for our Savior?
(Chorus)
This is what it means to be held.
How it feels when the sacred is torn from your life
And you survive.
This is what it is to be loved.
And to know that the promise was
When everything fell we'd be held.
This song is so beautiful and says so much of what I think about on a daily basis. I do understand that this is only the beginning and that our Savior will be back but in the meantime I am learning what it feels like to be “held” in His arms.

Cradled in His Arms
Tina

Special prayer request: Jake is getting ready for his transplant. Mo is doing a great job of asking for specific prayers on his website.
Joyce is still in ICU with little change
Scotty McCoy and family
Yolanda and her family
Brent Nason
Madelyn Beamon
Christal Reynolds
Dalton’s family

Thursday, February 16, 2006 10:34 AM CST

Good morning to all! My morning started with a visit to the wound care doctor who says things are looking better but not there yet. I have just about decided that I am going to have a gaping hole forever. I have trouble finding my belly button maybe this is God's way of giving me a second chance when I can't find my first one.

As for last night, I did make it to the funeral home, managed to make it out of the car, through the parking lot (at this point I was in almost hysterical tears), and into the foyer. I then realized that the visitation was in the chapel and at that point I was done, couldn't do it. Jeff understood and went it to represent our family. Mike (One of Moonie's sons) made a point to come out and hug me. I can't tell you how much that meant that he expressed that he knew how hard that must have been for me and wanted me to know how much it meant to him. I then just went outside to wait. All I can say is I tried. I don't know if I will ever be able to walk in that chapel again without seeing Stanton there.

Yesterday was a rough day anyway. The employee that I mentioned, Mrs. Joyce had been taken to the hospital during the night and was on a ventilator. Things were touch and go all day yesterday and really not a whole lot better today. Joyce is so much more than just an employee, she was a very dear friend who I love so very much.

Tonight I will be speaking at church at the JOY meeting at 6:30. I am not even sure what all I will talk about but I hope it will be good. Please pray for me as I continue to share Stanton and his story with so many that loved him.

Hayden's official baseball season starts tonight with a Jamboree. He is on the varsity team but will see his playing time on the JV team. He is having fun and you all know that is what matters to me the most. He continues to be a ray of sunshine in all of my days.

I got an email from a very special prayer warrior who shared a couple of scriptures with me about hope. She has also lost a child and knows how hard hope is to find somedays.

"The Lord is near to those who have a broken heart, and saves such as have a contrite spirit. Many are the affictions of the righteous, but the Lord delivers him out of them all." Psalm 34: 18-19

It gives me great hope and comfort to know that I love and serve a God who does not leave me alone to handle my sufferings yet promises me that He will deliver me from all of them. Oh how I long for the day.

Blesses but still heart-broken
Tina

Wednesday, February 15, 2006 10:25 AM CST

I have sat here and thought about what I wanted to say. As heart broken as I am it is time for me to offer some words of encouragement to those of you who are out there and are hurting as much or more than me. I just don’t know what those words are. I will say that the past 2 days did prove that there can be some sense of happiness even amidst your greatest pain. I was beginning to think that was not possible, that happiness was something that I would never truly experience again. Thank you to all of you who showed me that this was not the case. I can hurt for Stanton as much as I want but there can be happy times without guilt.

The balloon release was perfect. So many people came which was just another reminder to me how many people loved Stanton and how many people will never forget the impact he made on their lives. I think he would be proud of all of the balloons he received yesterday and I am sure his party in heaven was INCREDIBLE!

A special thank you to all of you who remembered us this week in special ways be it by a telephone call, card, flowers, cookie baskets, emails, guestbook entries, etc. All of these helped to make a difficult week a little easier.

I was talking to Scotty last night (Mrs. Moonies son) and we talked a lot about the end of life on this earth and how blessed we are that there is so much more than what we have here. We also talked about how he had no idea that when he talked to his mom on Sunday that it would be their last conversation. I just had to stop and think for a minute and be reminded that this is the case with everyone in our life. When they walk out the door, get off of the phone or go to sleep there is no guarantee that you will ever see them again on this earth. Just a reminder to let those you love know it, never assume you will have a second chance.

The visitation is tonight and I have not been to the funeral home in a year so please pray for me to have the strength to go be supportive of this family. Please pray for the family as well. I also would like to ask for special prayers for my nieces as for the 2nd time in one year their whole world is being rocked.

Mrs. Joyce, one of my devoted employees, who has been there for me through thick and thin also needs our prayers. She has pneumonia and is in ICU.

Lori R. sent me this email this morning and I couldn’t help but smile and share:

Being happy doesn't mean everything's perfect. It means you've decided to see beyond the imperfections!

God didn't promise days without pain, laughter without sorrow, sun without rain, but HE did promise strength for the day, comfort for the tears & light for the way.

Looking to Him for strength
Tina

Tuesday, February 14, 2006 2:11 PM CST

Happy Birthday my sweet Angel Boy! We all miss you so very much but we know that you are cancer free and having so much fun in heaven. I am sure your party with Jesus is way better than anything we have to offer. Our hearts are still broken but we do look at this day as the day the world gained an incredible little boy who taught so many people how to love!! I hope you enjoy your ballons this evening.

This morning I was reminded that there are times life can be okay. Yesterday was rough but Elynn Kate was a blessing by keeping me smiling most of the day. OUt of the blue a tear would fall and going to sleep last night was hard. We got so many cards and emails it is unbelievable how many people remembered yesterday. This morning would have been one of those when I could have just buried my head, but my daddy was taking me to breakfast. He had given me the prettiest heart necklace yesterday. I knew something was up when Jeff kept pushing me to get dressed. He had a "meeting" which was why he was still home or so I thought. My sweet husband emailed the radio show that had done so much of the advertising for the auction. The email was priceless and of course as they were reading it to me over the telephone this morning and a limo drives up I was in tears. Yes, I had been set up. Hillary, Jason, KRMD and many others arranged for me to have a very special morning on a morning that would be so hard. Jeff and I were picked up in a limo and taken to breakfast at IHOP where there were flowers waiting for me. There were several other treats that were given and I want to get them right and with the sponsors so I will list them later. We got there and my favorite TV station (Channel 3) was there to do a story. I am sure you are all tired of seeing me on TV but it will air at 5 or 6 tonight. We had a very nice breakfast, got a chance to go see Hilary and Jason, strolled along the boardwalk, got back in the limo to pick up another surprise and then came home. What a morning and what a valentine's present. Jeff has been incredible through this entire journey, never waivering in his love and devotion for me or Stanton and Hayden. He has continued to be the strong shoulder I lean on when I feel like I can't go on. I know at times he has to get tired of living with a depressed woman who cries all of the time but he never admits it.

Jeff-I know my gift could never compare to today's surprise. Thank you so much for sending the email that got it all started. I love you with all of my heart.

We will be releasing balloons at 5:30. Hayden and Kendall have been working on getting them all blown up. Kendall-I again can't thank you enough for being there for Hayden when he needs someone the most.

Please continue to remember Mrs. Mooney's family in your prayers (this is Elynn Kate's babysitter). I know they are having a rough time and can feel their pain. Please keep Mary Claire and Elynn Kate in your prayers as well because they loved her so.

Happy Valentine's Day to all! As hard as this day may be it will always be one I cherished because it is the day that I fell in love with one amazing little boy I named Stanton. He holds and will forever hold my heart in the palm of his hand.

Someone emailed me this today and I couldn't think of a better time to post it:

This was from April 2004. It is the other side of love. The love for

someone who is no longer with us. It is a question I get often...

"When will I stop hurting?"

Story copyright 2004

"When will I stop hurting?"
By Bob Perks

"I lost a loved one nearly a year ago. When will I stop hurting?"

The question was simple but difficult to answer.

She was challenging me. I wanted to help her, but I knew that only she

could answer that question.

Whenever someone writes to tell me about a death, I always talk about the

difficult months ahead. I refer to it as a "Year of Firsts." The first holiday,

birthday, anniversary, summer picnic or other personal event without that loved one.

Then there are those little things you never really paid attention to before,

but now find a gaping hole right in the middle of your day. Like the time they

woke up each morning, how they had their coffee, the sound the door made

around dinner time when they arrived home and the way they said "hello."

But there was something about this message today that made me stop and

really think about what I needed to say.

Oddly, I decided that the pain she was feeling was a good thing, but I wasn't

sure she wanted to know that.

Here is exactly what I wrote to her:

When will you stop hurting? That is a measure of the love you shared and how

does one measure love?
By remembering them long after they are gone.
"Memories" are the shadows of a life well lived that remain long after the light

of their being has gone out. May you never forget.
"Pain" is the echo of remembering those special moments when all the world

belonged to the both of you. The day will come when the pain of remembering

turns into understanding the privilege of ever having them in your life at all.

Remembering will be a joy.
Although the pain is great at times you are reminded still, how very much you

loved and were loved.
May the rest of your life be a reflection of that love and when your time comes

may your passing cast long shadows for all who loved you, too.

Blessed to love and have been loved by Stanton
Tina

Monday, February 13, 2006 10:50 AM CST

One year. How can it go by in the blink of eye yet seem to have been a lifetime? That is the story of my life. On one had it seems like Stanton was just with us and oh how I wish that were true while on the other hand it seems like forever ago that we said our good-byes. Don’t get me wrong , I remember it like it was yesterday. I remember waiting on Stanton to get to the funeral home and how I couldn’t wait to know he was back in Minden. I remember meeting with the funeral director, having to pick out a casket and then handing over the outfit that Stanton would wear. I remember thinking “This cannot be real”. I guess reality has set in a year later.

I look back and now see the lives that Stanton touched and stand completely in awe! How one little child can make such an impact is incredible and I hope I learned just a little bit from him. I am convinced he reminds us that he is okay and never far away but that makes it no easier.

I didn’t sleep much last night which I guess was to be expected. I did manage to get out of bed and come to work. Actually my day will be anything but boring. I brought a little distraction with me this morning which will actually be good for me or at least it has been so far. Elynn Kate is at work with me. I must explain and ask for prayer for a very special family. The lady who has kept Elynn Kate since she was a little baby passed away early this morning. She is also the mother of some very special friends. This was most unexpected so please keep their family in your prayers.

I must admit when I talked to mom, they weren’t going to tell me, I was more than a little frustrated not just for me but for the girls. How much should 2 babies have to endure? Once again, I know there is a plan and God has it all worked out and right now that plan is keeping me entertained.

I know the day will still be far from easy but I have to say thank you to all who have called, sent cards or signed the guestbook. I am reassured that Stanton is not forgotten. I will be stopping at 2 today to say a special prayer for our family as well as so many others who are without their babies. Life truly seems unfair!

One foot in front of the other
Tina

Sunday, February 12, 2006 4:58 PM CST

Oh how I wish I could share the feelings of my heart right now. There is so much but more than anything a HUGE whole right in the center. My mind has raced all weekend reliving this weekend one year ago. We were pulling into the driveway about now for the first time without Stanton. I remember sitting in the Suburban wondering how to even make my legs work to get out. I remember not wanting to come into the house. I don't know what I thought would happen if I didn't come in but that was my rebelion.

Yesterday I tried so hard not to let my mind think about Stanton all day but it was all but impossible. Jamie came and we got the Valentine flowers for the angel garden ready. On the way to put them out we stopped by to check on mom (she was decorating her schools Mardi Gras float). Since it was just her and Mike we decided to stay and help decorate. I really wasn't that much help.

My dear friends Karla and Lizie knew how hard this weekend would be so they invited our family to ride on their Krewe of Chaos float. I have to admit it was lots of fun. I actually got to throw things at people and it was what I was supposed to do. We went to Karla's after the parade. It was a nice way to escape reality for a little while.

Sunday School was interesting this morning. The group that just got back from Isreal told us about their trip and it was neat to listen to. Our sermon was pretty appropriate as well "What to do when people let you down." It was about faith in the face of adversity. Pretty hard to do.

Today at Sug's we celebrated Stanton's birthday (Jeff's grandmother does birthday lunch for everyone the Sunday before their birthday). I knew we were celebrating his birthday but I was completely surprised when she actually had him a cake. It meant the world to me that we sang, had cake and a candle. My biggest fear is that Stanton will be forgoten as I have said before and for today Sug made sure that did not happen. I love you Sug!

Right now I am watching NASCAR, yes it is that time of the year again. Michael is doing really well. He is still my favorite regardless of the number of his car. Good luck this year Michael.

Don't forget to pray tomorrow at 2:00 and be sure and let me know, we have a few states left to cover.

Literally living minute by minute
Tina

Our friend Dalton joined Stanton in heaven today about 2:45. Please keep his family in your prayers. www.caringbridge.org/al/daltoncorlette

Friday, February 10, 2006 9:49 AM CST

4:00-I just wanted to ask for special prayer for one of my employees, Yolanda. Her father has been in ICU all week and it has been a very rough week for her. She and her brothers were forced to make a tough decision. I just got a phone call that he had earned his angel wings this afternoon. Yolanda was very close to her father and this is going to be a very difficult time for her.

Good rainy morning from Louisiana. Have you ever had so much to day but really nothing to say at all? That is kind of where I am at these days. The anniversary of Stanton's death is approaching a lot faster than I would like and I am scared for some reason.

I may not be able to remember what I said 30 minutes ago but I can relive 365 days ago like it was yesterday. Unfortunately for you all that is what you get to hear. I need to get it out of my head. The dates are not the same but it was Friday one year ago that we got up after being up with Stanton all night. Once he found out we were taking him to see Dr. Furman he was content and never had another symptom. Dr. Furman knew more than we did so he admitted him. We got admitted to a smaller room but they had a big corner room that they offered which turned out to be a huge blessing. Stanton was much pickier than ususal. He wanted Krisha to be his nurse but she didn't want Dr. Furman to leave. He actually called him back twice before he left the floor and once from after he got to his car. Coincidence? Not at all, he was saying his goodbye to Dr. Furman, his way. Sarah and her mom brought supper over. It was GREAT! I knew in my heart that the next time we walked out of the hospital Stanton would not be coming with us as much as my head didn't want to admit it. It was amazing how good he felt once he got to the hospital. That is exactly where he wanted to be. I remember thinking that this has to be a nightmare. Little did I know that the nightmare was just beginning.

I remember getting on my knees in the parent room begging God to perform a miracle, begging Him not to take my baby. I also remember telling God that I understood that things would be done according to His plan and that whatever that was I had to have the strength to go on. I was granted the answer to one of those requests during that prayer; God has never left my side and continues to give me the strength for each new day. I know I He probably has a shelf of nothing but my tears bottled up and I am sure there are many.

Mom-sorry I gave you such a hard time this morning. Sometimes to keep from falling apart I put on that armor and when I saw you this morning I knew I couldn't fall apart. I love you!!!

Don't forget to sign in about next Monday and Tuesday. Jeff was amazed at the states that has already signed in.

Also, don't forget about the RMH radiothon. See link below!

Letting Him catch the tears
Tina

Thursday, February 9, 2006 11:08 AM CST

This is going to be short and sweet. Just wanted to let you know what I had decided to do next week.

On the 13th, Monday I want everyone to stop and say a prayer at 2:00 in the afternoon (Stanton passed away at 2 in the morning). Pray for whatever is on your heart but let's bombard heaven with prayers and let Stanton know he is not forgotten.

On the 14th, his birthday anyone that live close by is invited to meet us at the angel garden to do a balloon release in honor of Stanton's 5th birthday. We will do this at 5:30 in the evening. For our prayer warriors afar we just ask that you send your balloon to him as well.

The other thing I would like is if you are going to participate in one or both of these events to sign in and let me know. Do you think Stanton has a warrior from every state? Now is the time to find out. Please spread the word to all you know, it is never to late to learn Stanton's story.

Don't forget to log on the the RMH house below and participate in the radiothon. We will be donating for Stanton's birthday.

Love to you all!

By His Grace Alone
Tina

Wednesday, February 8, 2006 9:45 AM CST

This is not going to be a very long entry. I am having a very tough time. My heart and head just can’t seem to get on the right track. I am up for any suggestions on how to get through this first angel anniversary, other than just crawl in a hole which is what I want to do. I do have one request from anyone who needs to know what to say or how to act, you don’t have to say anything (I have heard it all) just lend me a shoulder to cry on and let me cry.

Before I share my story for the day I wan to tell you that tomorrow and Friday the annual Ronald McDonald House Radiothon is going on in Memphis. For those that live in the area don’t be alarmed you will hear my voice tomorrow morning but I will not be there, just by phone.

For those of you who aren’t familiar with the RMH, this is the place that we called home for almost 2 years. When I went back a few months ago it still felt like home. It is an incredible place that we were able to stay for free of charge while we lived in Memphis. The staff is incredible and care so much about the kids, sometimes I wonder if they care too much. There is an 800 number you can call and make a donation 1-800-230-kids. You can also visit their website from the link at the bottom of my page to learn more. Once again, this will be very difficult but something I have to do. Last year when I spoke it was the first time I had been back to the house since Stanton was sent home. All I remember is getting up from the table and making it just enough steps to fall into Sherri’s arms. Sherri-what am I going to do tomorrow morning without you?

A dear friend gave me a CD with a song on it that I have fallen in love with and that depicts Stanton’s life in such a way that I needed to share it with you.

In this life time
You gave me all you had to give
And I never doubted
For one moment just how much you cared
And through all the pain
You put a smile upon my face
I wouldn’t change it if I could
For you showed me God’s grace

You were my guardian angel my best friend
You gave me all your love until the very end
Now the Lord has come and taken me with Him
And it’s my turn to be your guardian angel your best friend

In this life time you did all that you could do
And I was oh so blessed to have a mother like you
Tho a tear may fall with every memory
Just know that I am in heaven now
And I’m the angel you made me.

You were my guardian angel my best friend
You gave me all your love until the very end
Now the Lord has come and taken me with Him
And it’s my turn to be your guardian angel your best friend

I was listening to this on the way to work this morning and when it talked about Stanton being my guardian angel I just out loud said “Where are you Stanton?” I looked out of the sunroof and there was an airplane. Stanton would always say “Airplanes make me so happy”. I felt pretty sure he wasn’t far.

I hope you all have a great day and I will continue to keep putting one foot in front of the other one minute at a time.

Blessed, Broken, But not defeated
Tina

Stanton-Mommy misses you more than ever and this song reminded me of you., except it was you who brought the smile to my face and you who taught me so much about God’ grace. I love you all the way to heaven and back.

Tuesday, February 7, 2006 11:57 AM CST

I know I know I am late today. I have been at the wound care doctor ALL morning. Yes, I am still fighting an open wound from my hysterectomy. It is never going to heal.

I woke up this morning and all I could think of is it is one week until Stanton’s birthday. How can that be? How could time have gone so fast? How in the world am I going to make it without him here? Instead of planning a party I am thinking about getting the angel garden to stay open a little longer so we can release balloons. How fair is that? I know this truly does not count as a first, but last year was such a blur that this year feels like a first. One year ago today we were having a birthday party because we did not know if he would make it to his birthday. There were so many special people there and such special memories made. He as usual did things his own way. I remember it like it was yesterday. I need all of the prayers you can offer this week as it is going to be a VERY difficult one for me. Each day will bring a different memory that will be hard to handle.

Please remember our friend Dalton in your prayers. He was in Memphis with us during our relapse phase and has been such a fighter. He is at home not doing very well. I know his mom, Jackie would love to hear from you www.caringbridge.org/al/daltoncorlette The guestbook can be such a pick me up during this difficult time.

I copied a poem from our guestbook to share I thought it was pretty good:

Valentines..To Heaven

This Valentine is not of the ordinary kind;
It's still filled with love and blessings inside;
But mine has to be sent on the wings of love..
You see, its destination is the Heavens above.

It's not being sent to my parents so dear
For they are still with me each day of the year.
It's being sent to my child who left earth too soon
Who's now in the Heavens with the stars and the moon.

The message is the same as your valentine
"I love you my sweet precious child of mine."
My love is still deeper than the ocean is blue
And it's sent with hugs and kisses from me to you.

I know you are with me each and every day
You listen as I talk to you and hear what I say
For that is one thing that disease cannot do
You'll always be apart of me and me apart of you.

I know God did not give you the awful disease
Thank Him for His comfort He gives me, would you please
I don't know what I would do without His undying love
Sent to bereaved parents from the Heavens above.

I know you are in the best of care
But it's so hard for us left on earth to bear
Could you put in a request from us left behind
For God to send the knowledge, so a cure we can find.

So that no other family has to go through this pain
Our lives without you will never be the same
When I get lonely I will look to the sky at night
And see you shining down your big bright light.

Happy Valentines Day Sunshine..I miss you so much
I know you know how many lives you have touched
You'll always be mine..I love you will all my heart
I know we'll be together again and then we'll never part.

So you see the meaning is still the same
The method of delivery is the only change
Mine must be sent by a little white dove
On the wings of Love.

Loving and Missing Stanton SOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO Much
Tina

This is the quote from my angel calendar yesterday; "Life is full of moments that only you and your angel share". I read this and thought of how many times I feel like Stanton is right there or sending a sign to let me know he is okay. What a true statement.

Monday, February 6, 2006 1:03 PM CST

I know it has taken me a little longer to get this journal together and when you read it you will understand why. First of all I am still in a state of shock, the Minden auction raised 703, 640.00 . Absolutely amazing!!!!!!!!!!!!! There really are no words that can describe the feeling that I felt last night as they unveiled the check. So many people told me congratulations and there really was nothing to congratulate me for. Jeff, Hayden and I did what we felt we had to for St. Jude and for Stanton. The congratulations goes to all of you who participated in the auction by buying raffle tickets, board items, volunteering, etc., those are the people to congratulate. I just showed up and did what I felt was right and I think Minden honored Stanton’s memory in a GREAT way.

The rest of this journal is going to thank you’s to many people who helped me make it through the weekend and who helped make it such a HUGE success. Please know that there is no way that I could possibly mention everybody because just the volunteers would take me 2 days.

To my family: Mom, Jamie, Scotty, Mary Claire, Elynn Kate and Daddy- Daddy I know you couldn’t be there physically but I know your heart was with me, it always is. Mom/Jamie-you know the emotional support you provide for me is always exactly what I need. You help me to stand and keep going when I feel like I can’t go anymore. You remind me of all of the happy memories Stanton brought to all of us. Jamie-I know you got in pretty deep with the birthday party but it was a HUGE success and I think you did a great job. Thank you for taking on that task.. Mom-what you do with your teachers and school is amazing. I know they all must love you dearly. Scotty-you hung with us all weekend and did whatever we needed you to. Thank you so much. I know you have the hard time of living with heartbroken women while having to deal with your heartbreak as well.

To my other family, The Haynes’: Thank you for all of the much needed support this weekend. Thank you for being there on Sunday to help with the Stanton hours. It says a lot when we can fill up the phone bank. O.H./Debbie/Dakota-thanks for always being there for me, even though you wouldn’t wear the clown hair. Dakota: thanks for doing anything I needed you to this weekend and even before then. You know you will always hold a very special place in my heart and I am so very proud of you. I love you bunches! Hank/Dana/Coltan/Hollan: you did more than I asked which never surprises me. Hank I hate you couldn’t be there Sunday be we know you were there in spirit. Coltan-thank you for coming and working the concession stand. You are one incredible kid. I love you so much! Gary/Sarah/Walker/Whittney: What can I say, you spent as much time at the auction as I did. Gary I must say you caught me a little off guard on Friday. You all were the definition of giving, giving expecting nothing in return. We were touched that you would honor Stanton in such a way. I guess I should have thought about that before I did the wig thing, but you did make a lot of money with the wig. You were such a great sport and I am willing for whatever payback is headed my way. Sarah: thanks for helping Mrs. Mary all weekend and for helping us on Sunday. Your family was amazing this weekend. Whittney: You did great on TV and with everything else we asked you to do. You supported your platform well. Walker: I know it was not “cool” to be up there this weekend but thanks for coming to help. Amber: you were up there working everytime I turned around. Thank you for giving up time with your family to help. Just give us the price on Maddux and we will take him. Let’s see if I can remember all of the others, Wesley, Angel, Angie, Fred, Sug, and our extended family; Dean, Casey, Karla, Lizzie, Claire, Ricky, Jodi, Mike, Jill-thank you for showing up during the Stanton hour to show your support, we love you all.

To all of the sponsors of the auction: Without you the auction would not be possible. Thank you for giving from your hearts and helping the kids of St. Jude. A couple of special sponsors to our family; Duke Energy-thank you from the bottom of our hearts for your continued support of our family. Richardson-thank you to mom and the teachers for allowing the flexibility during St. Jude weeks. Students-you all are absolutely amazing. I love to see you all give to such a great cause from your hearts. Mrs. Cora Lou-thank you for your never-ending support of St. Jude and your love for my family, especially Hayden.

I really can’t talk about family without mentioning another family that has come to hold a very special place in our hearts, especially Hayden’s. Kenneth, Karen, Micah, Julie-thank you for being there for Hayden when he needed someone the most and his mother was a basket case. Kendall-you are the greatest! I was able to have some peace knowing Hayden was with you if he was not at the auction and you were letting him vent. You are a very special young lady.

Laura and Christi-I know you have the help of many volunteers but someone has to coordinate those volunteers and the auction. You two are a team that seems to be unstoppable. Thank you for all of your hard work. I know this didn’t come together overnight and there were a couple of stressful moments. You both held it together and pulled off the unbelievable. We will always consider you a special part of our family. Todd/Gary/Jordan/Peyton/Logan/Ashley-thanks for giving up your wife and mother for a weekend and then some for such an important event.

Mike Jewell-the unsung hero. You were always in the background doing something. You spent as much time at the auction as I did. I will count that as a sign that you love me. I looked around when it was over to tell you thank you and you were gone. I was going to hug you to so you are probably glad that you left. I would hate for you to get hugged by a “babe”! Love you!!!!

Whitney Harper-You may not have realized it but you were my backbone most of the weekend. I knew if I was having a meltdown I would turn around and you would be there to catch me and let me cry. You will never know how much that meant to me. This weekend was so bittersweet and knowing you were there sure helped. Thanks also to the rest of the Harper family who are huge supporters and volunteers.

Chris-have I told you today that I love you. You and Lori give so graciously of your time for the auction and never complain (well Lori never complains). Chris/Lori-you were 2 more that I knew kept a close eye on me and if something didn’t seem right you were right there picking me up. Thank you so very much!

Emily Mourad: You started my morning off perfect Saturday. The flowers are beautiful. You are one amazing young lady and I know your mom and dad are so very proud of you. Thank you for coming in and bringing friends to help with the auction. I love you!

For all of the volunteers: I could never mention you all because there were so many that I saw and I know there were many that I didn’t see. None of this would have been accomplished without you. You have something to be very proud of. St. Jude is lucky to have a group like you. Jeff, Hayden and I were honored to feel a part of such a group and unfortunately for you, you haven’t seen the last of us. We will be back.

To all of our prayer warriors and St. Jude friends across the country, thank you for participating and helping to make this auction such a success. It was awesome to see how far away we got pledges from.

Minden as a community: Words cannot express our gratitude to you once again. I am so proud to call Minden home for so many reasons but your generosity is one of those reasons. We ask and you seem to find a way to make it happen. I know Stanton was smiling down all weekend.

I know these thank you’s just touch the surface and I could go on for days. We are still completely overwhelmed at the response this weekend. Once again, I am not that strong, I just truly believe that a cure can be found and no other mother will have to walk in my shoes. I am committed to helping find that cure in anyway that I can help. We all know that God carried me through this weekend as He has done so many days this past year and how He will over the next week.

Completely Humbled
Tina

Sunday, February 5, 2006 10:08 AM CST

I have had some time to actually absorb the events of the weekend and I am overwhelmed with emotion. So many people have done so many things and given to St. Jude it is amazing. I don't know the firgures just that we need more to beat last years record. We have watched videos of Stanton all weekend which is the one thing that has not gotten any easier. Rick did a fabulous job! On one he blows a kiss at the end. It is almost like I could just reach out and pick him up. Oh how I miss him, but that smile is one that will never be forgotten.

I got to be on the air for a little while last night and will be there again this afternoon with mom. All of our family will be there answering the telephones and helping out. We will be giving away the items we donated for the kids. It is going to be fun.

I will be sure and update more on the totals as we get them. Thank you so much.

We love you all
Tina

www.mindenstjude.com They have pictures on there from the weekend.

Friday, February 3, 2006 11:58 PM CST

As I sit here, just getting in from the auction I am just in awe! The love and support for Stanton, our family and St. Jude has been absolutley amazing and incredibly humbling. Once again I find myself in a position that I never dreamed I would be in and around every corner and wiping every tear is a friend. This weekend has been emotionally draining. There are times when there are tears for no apparent reason and at those time people have just been there for me to cry. To all of Minden and the St. Jude volunteers thank you so much. Your support means the world to me.

I think the auction is going very well although it really hard to tell but the Civic Center has been full and the pledges are pouring in. The lady working the internet pledges makes sure to bring me everyone that comes in from a Stanton prayer warrior. Amazing, simply amazing. I think the one thing they will be able to say is that they have pledges from more states than ever before.

Once again,I never dreamed it would be this hard. As I look at the items for kids, I can just see Stanton running around having a ball. I find myself wanting to pledge of the tractor then realizing Hayden would be a little big for that. I wish I could explain the hurt but it is just not possible. Once again, I will give God the glory for my strength and thank him for holding me up when I can't stand on my own.

It is not to late if you want to get in on the auction the website is www.mindenstjude.com

I love you all dearly and can feel our family being lifted by prayer.

In Him
Tina

This weekend is Eli's (Emma Grace's borther) birthday. Stop by there and wish him happy birthday. The siblings get put on the backburner for so long it is his time to shine.

Thursday, February 2, 2006 11:59 PM CST

I just wanted to give a quick update and BIG thank you. First of all the auction has started off great. There seemed to be so many people at the Civic Center tonight. It was a lot of work but also a lot of fun. I will admit I had my meltdown moments. The shock of reality I guess. Rick-the video was AWESOME, talk about meltdown.

To all of you who have gotten on the website, thank you so much. They are making a point to show me how many pledges are coming in in memory of Stanton from the website and I stand amazed. If you haven't been by there are want to the site is www.mindenstjude.com. There is a place to put that you are there because of Stanton. The prizes are incredible!

In a newspaper interview today I was told that my strength was amazing. All I could say was that it is not my strength, but by God and God alone that I am able to continue my fight against childhood cancer.

Refusing to give up
Tina

Thursday, February 2, 2006 9:27 AM CST

Sorry but no long journal entry today. I am getting ready to head to the Civic Center and get ready for the auction that starts tonight at 6:00! We are going to have fun but it will be very bittersweet. Please visit the auction website and see if there is anything you would like to buy a raffle ticket on. It can all be done online and your name will be put in the basket. Be sure to put on there if you can that you are a Stanton prayer warrior so I will recognize it when they call your name!!!

www.mindenstjude.com

Needing Many prayers this weekend
Tina

Wednesday, February 1, 2006 9:17 AM CST

What a morning! We needed to leave by 7:15 to make sure we made it to the radio station on time. I woke up at 7:00. It can be done, I had me and my hair clean and dry, clothes on and in the car by 7:15.

Hayden spoke this morning on KRMD with Hillary and Jason and did a great job. They are so much fun! Guys-thank you so much for all you have done for St. Jude and to make us feel comfortable. You're the best!

Yesterday was a miserable day, I won't even try to pretend. I can't beleive it is February. I should be tying up the loose ends to Stanton's 5th birthday party. Instead I am trying to figure out how I won't to recognize his death and birth back to back. AUGH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

The Minden St. Jude Auction starts tomorrow. This years auction is in Memory of Stanton, what and honor but one I would do anything to have not had the opportunity to have. They have a website where they will posting all the items that are being raffled, have an 800 number to call in and have an updated list of winners so people from everywhere can participate. Just remember to say that you are doing it in Memory of Stanton so I will catch all of the names. I want to put a number up this year that cannot be broken. Just one more time for me to do something for Stanton. The website is on the bottom of the page but it is www.mindenstjude.com

Thank you all for you continued love and support.

Being carried
Tina

Tuesday, January 31, 2006 7:11 AM CST

Today has to be better than yesterday. It was Monday all of the way around. I walked in the door and knew it was going to be a fun one. At least the day went by fast and I didn’t have to much time to think. Today will be fun because of the typical end of month blues although the end of this month is hitting hard.

Last night we were at Jamie’s house and I was laying down with the girls watching a movie and Mary Claire asked me what Stanton’s favorite movie was. My mind went blank. It took me some time to remember. It scared me. I don’t ever want to forget even on single detail. Needless to say I was pretty aggravated with myself.

I sit here this morning just taking a breather before heading to the doctor, then to the news station, then to work. As I look around and see all of Stanton’s pictures I can’t help but think about this time last year. I can’t believe it has almost been a year. What a time it was. I didn’t know it was possible to forget a thought in the middle of a sentence but be able to remember a year ago like it was yesterday. Those days were oh so long and filled with so much anticipation. As bad as they were I would go back even if just for a day. I hope no one has to know how I am feeling but the longing and aching to hold him is at times almost unbearable, especially when reality sinks in and I realize that on this earth that will never happen again.

I read last years journal and obviously just as it did then the devotion touched me in just the way I needed it to. Here is an excerpt from last years journal:

The following is an email journal I got that was more than appropriate for my situation. I hope that through the trials I am molding into what God wants me to be. I know there are days when He must be disappointed because I let the fear and anxiety get to me but I just continue to ask for His forgiveness and help. I sometimes just pray for the strength that Stanton exhibits. He is amazing!

Endurance in the Race
James 1:1-4

The Christian life is an awesome journey that brings fulfillment and
contentment, along with great rewards. Of course, if someone asked me
about the Christian life, I would also have to say that it is full of
hardship, difficulty, misunderstanding, rejection, doubt, and failure. It
is not all pain, suffering, and heartache, but neither is it all
happiness. More than likely, someone is going to ask, "Why would I want to be
Christian if it's going to hurt?"

The simple answer is that we will never be what God intends until we
trust Jesus Christ as our Savior. No amount of riches, power, or success
will satisfy us like an intimate relationship with God. Becoming a
Christian does not suddenly dry up all the present or future suffering in
our lives. The difference is that we now know the loving Father who has
absolute control over all we endure. He promises to love us through it
all and care for us. And He promises to limit every trial so that we
can bear it (1 Corinthians 10:13).

With each trial, we mature in our walk. While none of us likes pain,
difficulty produces the character qualities that enable us to stay on the
path God chooses. We will not become discouraged to the point of
quitting if we respond with endurance. The result of endurance is that we
learn to look above the things that distract us-like criticism, rejection,
and setbacks-and we increasingly find ourselves able to keep our eyes
focused on Jesus.

I have to admit I read this several times before I put it here. First of all there are many days when I feel like a disappointment to God. Maybe these feelings aren’t what he wants from me? How long is too long to grieve at such a great extent? What more can I do to please Him and still miss Stanton so much?

I know that I will not be given more than I can handle and that is God’s promise to me but I have to tell you there are times when I begin to wonder and feel like I am teetering on the edge.

I appreciate all of the support offered by all of you. I really can’t tell you what it means to have the support of so many.

Focusing on HIM
Tina

Monday, January 30, 2006 7:58 AM CST

"Make your ear attentive to wisdom, incline your heart to understanding"
Proverbs 2:2

"When God says 'no' it is not necessarily discipline or rejection. It may simply be redirection.

The thing we have to do with our walk with God is to listen carefully from day to day. Not just go back to some decision and say, 'That's it regardless'. We need to look at each day, keep it fresh, keep the fire hot, keep it on theback burner saying 'Lord, is this Your arrangement, is this Your plan? If not make me sensitive to it. Maybe you are redirecting my life.'"

Good morning all! I just had to start with that this morning more for me than anyone.

The weekend was not eventful but not lacking events if that makes any sense. Jeff and I spent Saturday evening with the girls and Jamie and Scotty which was a great time.

I want to ask for special prayer for a faithful prayer warrior of ours and one who signs the guestbook often. Robbie-you and your family are in our thoughts and prayers. We are here for you if you need anything.

Gotta Run, it is going to be one of those weeks!

Certainly being redirected
Tina

Saturday, January 28, 2006 9:04 AM CST

Yesterday was a rough one and this morning is starting out about the same so the one of the things that helps is just putting it in writing and listening to everyone's advise.

Losing a child involves so much more than just the loss of that one child. Our whole family is affected. Of course being the over protecter that I can be (wonder why?) Hayden is and will always be my first concern. As my first born we have always had an incredible relationship, pretty open and honest but since Stanton earned his wings I think Hayden feels the need to protect me. I really don't want to be protected I just want to be there for him during the good and the bad. Right now that is not happening and I think he feels he has to turn to people that he won't hurt to help him. I will admit I have been overly emotional lately and I can't help it. In one way I feel like such a failure. As a mother you won't to protect your children and right now I am not doing so hot in that category. Hayden is the one who got the worst of the worst during this whole journey and now I just want him happy. Hayden-I love you more than you could ever know. You have grown into such an amazing, caring, loving, and mature young man. I couldn't be prouder of you in everything you do. I know life has dealt you a bum hand and I am so sorry. Please keep talking to whoever you can that makes you feel better. I promise you can talk to me though, you aren't going to hurt me.

Through this journey we have gained and lost so many friends. I guess the true friends shine during a crisis. The problem is some of those friends live miles from here. Sherri-thank you so much for being there last night to talk to Hayden and to help me make since of some things. You have no idea how much I needed to hear someone with any advice. You are the best and always will be. I love you!

I guess I have shared enough of my pity party. Thank you for your continued prayers.

Looking Up
Tina

Friday, January 27, 2006 10:15 AM CST

TODAY IS GOING TO BE A GOOD DAY!

Sherri I hope you are happy now. I was told I was going to start my journal this way and this is how my day was going to be. I am trying very hard but good days are just so hard to come by.

We are just about settled into our office at work. This is the last time I am moving (until me boss says otherwise). Needless to say it has been a tiring week. Not to mention I pulled my back yesterday which made for a miserable day.

Hayden won 2nd place at the Science Fair yesterday which we tought was very good. Minden High School won the sweepstaked award.

I have also decided that Jeff is right (I promise I do not say that often and I can't believe I am saying it about this subject, I will never hear the end of it). Women are crazy! I knew I had a few marbles rolling around upstairs but I am not the only one. I do not envy my mother nor father for having to raise two girls and sure not daddy who lived with 3 women. We are all nuts. I wish I could go into more detail but Hayden would kill me.

I heard a joke on the radio I wanted to share with you only because it had Stanton written all over it. There was an 8th grader who was having a science lesson which included the fact that a whale could not swallow a human being because of it's mouth structure. The little girl argued with the teacher for a while and she finally gave up saying "I tell you what, when I get to heaven I will ask Jonah and if I don't find him you can ask him in that other place" Jonah and the whale was one of Stanton's most favorite Bible stories and he could tell it from beginning to end.

Why does life have to be so hard?

Being Carried Again
Tina

Thursday, January 26, 2006 9:45 AM CST

12:51 UPDATE: I cannot believe that I was having such a pity party that I forgot to mention something great that happened yesterday. I got an email from CureSearch and Senator Landrieu has agreed to be an original co-sponsor of the Authorization that I presented to her last week. Baby steps but incredible to say the least. Stanton still making a difference.

I am giving you fair warning, today's journal is straight from the heart which I am wearing on my sleeve today.

If you remember at Christmas I talked about the anticipation leading up to Christmas, well that is about how I feel now only worse. I can't beleive that Stanton has been gone almost a year. I still find it hard to believe that I am able to funtion with him being gone. I know it is only by God's grace that I keep going but I can't tell you how many times I would just love to crawl in a hole and forget the world exists. The pain is so raw and so real. I can relive this time last year like it was yesterday. Every word that was said, each strand of hope as it withered away each day when we got lab work. Why does life have to hurt so bad? My heart and arms ache to hold him again, smell him again, hear his voice, just have him here. I guess this is all a natural reaction but I tend to be pretty hard on myself and think I should be doing better.

I went to Mary Claire's room this morning to take her St Jude money (her mom forgot) and they were having a teddy bear pajama party. Casey Fields is her teacher and she is AWESOME! I'm partial but I have always liked her teaching style. As I left all I could think was that Stanton would love doing that and he will never have the chance. He will never start Kindergarten. I am quite sure he, Emma Grace, Zoie, Allie and all of the other St. Jude angels have plenty of their own parties which are much better than school.

My counselor and I talked about anger yesterday and as much as I hated to admit it there is still so much of it. Not just about Stanton but childhood cancer in general. These kids and parents give everything they've got to beat the disease and fight for so long only to end up in pain, winning there battle, entering heaven and leaving a very broken family at home.

How am I going to make it the next few weeks? First of all letting God carry me because I don't even feel like trying to walk, pouring much energy into work, working hard for the Minden St. Jude Auction, and loving Hayden more than ever.

We had Mrs. Claire write something in the guestbook that I wanted to share because I thought it was a very neat way to remember Stanton on his birthday which will forever be difficult. "As I look at all the advertisements for Valentine's Day, I think of Stanton. It's like the whole world is celebrating his Birth and Homegoing with LOVE! There could not be a more fitting reminder of the LOVE your Precious Little General has generated than to celebrate his life on Valentine's Day." I think I will look at the Valentines day decorations a little different from now on. What a GREAT way to remember the love that Stanton shared with so many.

I am sorry this has not been a ususal entry for me but I thought by being honest you would all know how to pray and believe me I need it.

Hurting to the Core
Tina

Hayden is at the Parish Science Fair today so an extra prayer for him would be great. I continue to be amazed with him and his strength and courage. I love him SOOOO much!

Wednesday, January 25, 2006 12:15 AM CST

I can't beleive I haven't heard from anyone because of my lack of updating. Once again it has been a very busy morning.

I started the morning by being a guest on the Hillary and Jason show on KRMD. I was promoting the St. Jude Auction which of course you all know I love to do. Hillary and Jason were great and it really started my morning off right. Nothing better than to share Stanton's story and promote St. Jude all at one time with two people who seemed to have so much fun. Thank you guys for letting me be a guest this morning I had a great time.

We also finished moving my personal office this morning or let's just say everything is in the new office. I don't know if it will ever all be put up. It is a great office with 3 windows!!!! I think the rest of the employees are settling in if we could just finish moving all of the charts.

My Bedside Blessing one day last week really hit me pretty hard so I thought I would share it with you today. Once again, not word for word but you will get the point. It talked about when you are in need who should you lean on? Well of course the answer is God but so many times when we are in need we find another seemingly easier crutch to lean on and depend on to get us through. The problem with that is that if you are leaning on someone or something else then you can't lean on God. I encourage you to look at who is your stability that you lean on. If it is not God then take a step back and see if they or it is providing you with everything you need. I think you will find some major pieces missing.

As I wrote that I thought of someone very special that it reminded me of. I won't mention any names but you know who you are. I love you and know you are struggling with so much going on but hang in there and hang onto the One who can help. I am always here for you.

Leaning on Him
Tina

Tuesday, January 24, 2006 10:24 AM CST

I was gently reminded this morning that I did not update yesterday. I do have a good reason though. I was going to wait and update last night becuase I had a good devotional to share with you but by the time I got home last night I felt horrible. I have now had a headache since Saturday. I am not sleeping as well as I should be which is hopefully the cause and not some other bug.

I have so much going on right now not to mention I am really having a hard time dealing with the upcoming one year mark of Stanton becoming an angel. Once again I knew it would be hard but it turned out harder than I thought. I spend a lot of time thinking about what Stanton would be doing, how much he would be enjoying playing with Hollan, Mary Claire, Elynn Kate, Haynes, Coltan and everyone else. I think about how much he would be making us laugh. I should be planning a birthday party right now!

We are also in the process of moving my office at work. If you have ever moved a medical records office you know how challenging that can be and I haven't even started on my personal office yet.

I have so many devotionals that I have come across that I want to share and I promise I will. Don't give up on me just yet.

I can't tell you how much you all mean to me, Jeff and Hayden!

Only By His Grace
Tina

Sunday, January 22, 2006 5:45 PM CST

I hope everyone has had a good weekend. Today has been one of those days when I could just curl up and do nothing. It has been raining all day.

Last night we went to watch our cousin Whittney in her high school pagent (Miss Lakeside). Of course she was absolutlely beautiful. I am a little partial but it turned out I was right she was the prettiest one there and the judges agreed. As a sophomore she was crowned Miss Lakeside. Whittney-I am so very proud of you as always. You have grown into an amazing young woman who has the world in front of her and by the looks of it you are going to take full advantage of it. As you walked out last night it was hard to believe that you were so grown up. It seems like yesterday you and Hayden were tiny. Your platform of course went straight to the core of my heart. Thank you for picking St. Jude to be that platform and for actually being such a part of volunteering for St. Jude. COntinue to follow your heart and your dreams, I know there is nothing that you can't accomplish. I love you so much! To Walker, Hayden and Dakota-I think it speaks volumes for you guys that you showed up to support Whittney last night and stayed around to congratulate her. I know she probably told you but I'll tell you again I know it meant the world for you guys to be there for her. I can't imagine the last 16 years have been easy being the only girl amidst all of you guys. Sarah and Gary-I know my opinion is not much but you have so much to be proud of. Whittney would not be who she is today without your love and support.

As the song goes "Rainy days seem to hurt the most" I knew that this month would be hard but I can't tell you how the moments come when I miss Stanton more than I could ever put in words. To see everyone growing up and to see the kids his age breaks my heart. I guess there is a part of me that is jealous. Guess I'll learn to live with it.

If you haven't checked out Trish's site about our D.C. adventure you need to check it out. I will tell the story of her talking to me in her sleep. I guess she didn't want to waste any of our TNT time so Tuesday night when I turned off the TV she started talking (keep in mind she had been asleep for a while). That is not the funny part, it wasn't funny until I realized she would carry on a conversation in her sleep. She actually sold me a purple PeterBuilt truck. When I told her that is what I wanted she said "You know that is how I met my husband". I changed the subject at that point. Needlesss to say she didn't remember a thing. I love you Trish!!!!!!!

I need to ask for special prayer for Madelyn. She is the first to try a new antibody for NB and is having some complications right now. She is in ICU on a ventilator. I know her parents are exhausted.

I can't end without mentioning the Minden St. Jude Auction. It will be Feb. 2-5 and is in Memory Of Stanton. They are accepting donations and volunteers. Anyone that wants to help can call me and if you want to buy raffle tickets there is a website www.mindenstjude.com I think. If that doesn't work let me know.

Thanks once again for your continued love, support and prayers.

Missing My Baby SOOOOOOOOOOO Much
Tina

Thursday, January 19, 2006 7:04 PM CST

Hey guys I am back!!!!!!! We took a bet on who would update first but I don’t think there was any question. I am really not even sure where to start so I guess I will start from the beginning.

Jeff and I left for the airport about 5:00 Tuesday morning and on the way I got a phone call from Trish singing me my wake up call that she always did in Memphis. It was just a matter of hours and we would be together. My flight from Shreveport was very uneventful. I got to Memphis and checked my messages to find out Trish had missed her plane. I really thought she was kidding until Jeff called to make sure I was going to be okay. I won’t even try to explain how she missed her flight but the airline was very nice and worked it out so she would arrive in D.C. about 3:00 instead of 12:00. I began to get a little nervous because although I travel a good bit it is never by myself. I decided I would be fine and headed for D.C.

After I landed, got a cab and got to the hotel I just sat there in complete awe at exactly where I was and the magnitude of it all. I was about 2 blocks from the Capitol Building. I called mom and described myself as a little fish in big water. Needless to say I was thrilled for several reasons when Trish walked in the door. We had just enough time to get ready and go to the reception that we had that night.

At the reception we got the honor of meeting team leaders who have been doing this for a couple of years as well as some who were new like us. We heard from the President of CureSearch, a doctor from COG, Jane Jones (Senator Coleman from Minn. Assistant), who is a huge supporter of ours and Senator Tom Latham. It was a great evening with good food and fellowship and a little more understanding of what we would be doing.

Wed. started early in the morning, not actually great as it was raining and we had not brought an umbrella. Kate from CureSearch gave us her umbrella but we spent as much time trying to keep it inside out so we both got pretty wet (not really the impression I was trying to make). We had training for a couple of hours which in some ways eased the tension but in others brought my nerves to the forefront. Being new I got the pleasure of a CureSearch representative going with me to a couple of meetings. He had so much fun he actually went to all of my meetings. Marsale-thank you so much for hanging in there with me all day yesterday. I enjoyed the company and I hope you enjoyed the story. Keep up the good work.

I had 8 meetings (our group had a total of 198 meetings, talk about trying to make a statement). I met with assistants of both of our Senators as well as all but one Representative (and I will be trying to catch him in Shreveport). I must say that I can only hope to get the same response from the bosses themselves because the assistants were all very touched and seemed to care and want to make a difference. I am still having a hard time believing that I was on Capitol Hill making my way between the Senate and House buildings sharing our story. If things go as I think they will I will be so proud to say I am from Louisiana, a state that cares about it’s children. Senator Landrieu was already on board for several of the issues I was asking for which says a lot for her and her staff. It made my job a little easier. One question asked by most assistants was “Why are you here? This won’t help Stanton.” They couldn’t believe that so soon after his death I was willing to be there sharing his story. All I could say was that his story was what it was about. If he could keep one more mom from having to experience what I had then his death or my experience had not been in vain. These children are our future and we need the government to help us make sure that every child with cancer is given a fair shot at a future. By the time I got back to the hotel I felt like a big fish in the big water. I had a GREAT time and felt like I had made a difference. When Trish came back her response was the same thing. Her people had also been very supportive and she felt good at the accomplishment she had made. Not bragging I am actually pretty proud of us country girls. We have taken a set back and made it a step up. This is something we will continue to do as long as we are both able.

TNT time was minimal as we were very busy and when we had down time we were exhausted but like I told mom, it wasn’t about talking or catching up (we do that all the time) it was about being able to see her and hug her and to just be there together (although she has great conversations in her sleep). It was much needed TNT time. Trish-I am proud of you and love you girl!

Other than some pretty rough wind our flight back were uneventful (yes Trish caught her plane from D.C.). On both flights I sat next to very neat people who listened to us talk about our cause one more time.

I think the most appropriate ending to my trip was at the airport. A little girl named Jessica from St. Jude was flying home after finishing her last round of radiation. When we got to the airport there were many people waiting with signs, flowers, balloons and even a news station welcoming her home. I just looked at mom with tears in my eyes and said “that is why I just did what I did”. An incredible ending to an incredible trip.

Thank you all for your support and prayers while we were gone. I promise they didn’t go unnoticed. I love you all.

Walking With Him
Tina

Thursday, January 19, 2006 8:34 AM CST

hey guys this is hayden mom is in the nations capital.. i talked to her n she said she feels she accomplished what she went there for i think she realy enjoyed it and i think her and mrs trish are having a blast i dont think washington was ready for them 2.. please pray for her safe travel back i think shell be home this after noon..
hayden

Wednesday, January 18, 2006 7:51 PM CST

Well hello everyone this is Jeff trying to update for my wonderful wife. She called and said they are having a great time. She had eight meeting today just trying to get our story out.Everyone she talked to agreed with what they are trying to get.She said just about all of them asked why she was there it would not help us.She told them that the reason she was there is so no other mom or dad has to through what we have had to go through.Words can not tell ya'll how proud I am her she is so amazing in all that she does.I think the TNT time is going well also eventhough it got started a little later than expected because someone missed there flight from Arkansa opps that might have told ya'll who it was.All of Trish's meeting went well also I think all agreed with her too. Me and Hayden are doing fine by our selves. Well just wanted to let ya'll know that they GOT-ER-DONE! Thanks for keeping us in your prayers while we're learning to live without our amazeing little man missing him so much.And for record me and Hayden did not cheat we're just that good at Rook.Thanks for listening to me ramble and God bless each and everyone of you. Missing my baby so muchfrom a broken hearted Dad

Tuesday, January 17, 2006 4:16 AM CST

Just thought I would stop by before leaving this morning. Of course, I didn't sleep much last night. I am ready though, I have a very important message to get across and I am going to do just that. Thank you all for all of the support and prayers. I will try to get one of the guys to update while I am out!!!

For those who know me look at the time!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Covered in His Grace
Tina

Monday, January 16, 2006 9:31 AM CST

I was going to type this last night but just ran out of steam. You may want to sit down as I may ramble for awhile.

First, the weekend was another full one filled with beautiful weather. Hayden had work day at the baseball field where I went and helped a little. Jeff and I spent the evening going to Wal-Mart, what a date. He wouldn’t have even gone had I not needed him to lift the 4-wheeler we will be donating to the Minden St. Jude Auction.

Sunday started out with a very, I am not really sure what word to use, heart turning Sunday School lesson brought by Paul who did an amazing job as usual. It was about what we are worth to God and is one person worth more than the other. He used a scenario that hit a little to close to home and brought back so many thoughts. One person with cancer, is a Christian, has complete trust and faith, seems to do everything right, another person, exact same cancer and beliefs, same faith, trust, etc. One dies one is cured, did God think one of them less worthy? I can’t tell you how many times I have struggled with this situation but for me it is the non-christian, non-believers with no faith or trust that I struggle with. Not that they are any less worthy, it is just harder, I think you will understand. I guess where I need to keep my focus is “Why not me?” I have said this a thousand times. Why would I be more worthy than anyone else? Just a very difficult concept to grasp.

We celebrated a couple of birthdays at Sug’s yesterday, one being hers. I wish I would have said the blessing yesterday so that I could have verbalized these thoughts to her and God rather than her reading them from the journal. Sug-Happy Birthday! If anyone deserves to have a happy day it is you. You are the “rock” of the Haynes family and I know that I will forever be grateful for that. I can’t speak for everyone else but I am sure they feel the same way. You are the picture of an Incredible Christian, Wife, Mother, Grandmother, and great-grandmother. You have taught us all so much and I am so thankful to have been a part. I know things are not always easy for you but you somehow pull through with a smile on your face and music in your heart. If only I could pick up on some of those traits. You have always put yourself last for what was best for not only your family but all of our friends that have come through your door. Thank you so much for letting me call you “Sug” for the last 16 years and mean it from the bottom of my heart. Thank you for the support you have given to Jeff, Hayden, Stanton and I and that support that you continue to give. I know as long as you are able you will make sure with me that Stanton’s story never ends. I love you Sug!

We also celebrated Hollan’s birthday yesterday because Hank is headed back to New Orleans (extra prayers please). She will be turning 3. I think when I realized that is when reality hit me like a ton of bricks yesterday. She can’t be 3, Stanton is only 3. I guess he will forever be 3 in my mind. With each passing day and event I realize that my last kiss gets further and further away. One more realization I will have to learn to live with.

I spent the rest of the day folding clothes and trying to get ready for D.C. I cannot even begin to describe all of the emotions I feel about this trip. They are really starting to sink in today.
Excitement-most excited to see and spend time with my dear sister Trish!!!!!!!
Nervous-what if this is more than I can do, what if I don’t say the right thing.
Proud-to have the honor of going to D.C. for such a wonderful cause, trying to make a difference and keeping Stanton’s story alive.
Sad-for the reason I am involved in this. Not just about Stanton but about so many other friends whose children are with Stanton and those that still stand in the fight.

So I ask for special traveling prayers for Trish and I (we actually connect on the same flight in Memphis) and for the strength and the knowledge that we will know exactly what to say to not only share our story but to use our stories although devastating to bring glory to God.

Being carried again
Tina

Friday, January 13, 2006 9:31 AM CST

11 months. That is how long it has been since I last held my baby. In some ways it seems like ages ago and other times I still look for him when I get home. Some people have said the pain will get easier but I have decided that this might not be true but we will learn to live with or through the pain. I miss his so much!

Our friend Christal got some not good news yesterday so I ask that you please continue to pray for her and her family as they make decisions regarding her future. Chris-if you read this please know that my heart is there with you. I wish my body could be. As Jeff read me the journal entry neither one of us did well at keeping our composure. I will always admire how you have handled your journey through the good and the bad.

Last night I cooked supper (for all of you doubters you can verify with Hayden) and we played a game of Rook. It was the guys versus the girls and we were winning until the guys started cheating. There are just some things that can’t happen without a little help.

I went back to see what we were doing last year at this time and the devotional for the day kind of stood out so although you have seen it before I am going to put it on here again (more for my sake than any).

Laws Of the Lighthouse by Max Lucado

The wise captain shifts the direction of his craft according to the
signal of the lighthouse. A wise person does the same.

Herewith, then, are the lights I look for and the signals I heed:
- Love God more than you fear hell.
- Once a week, let a child take you on a walk.
- Make major decisions in a cemetery.
- When no one is watching, live as if someone is.
- Succeed at home first.
- Don't spend tomorrow's money today.
- Pray twice as much as you fret.
- Listen twice as much as you speak.
- Only harbor a grudge when God does.
- Never outgrow your love of sunsets.
- Treat people like angels; you will meet some and help make some.
- 'Tis wiser to err on the side of generosity than on the side of
scrutiny.
- God has forgiven you; you'd be wise to do the same.
- When you can't trace God's hand, trust his heart.
- Toot your own horn and the notes will be flat.
- Don't feel guilty for God's goodness.
- The book of life is lived in chapters, so know your page number.
- Never let the important be the victim of the trivial.
- Live your liturgy.

To sum it all up:
Approach life like a voyage on a schooner. Enjoy the view. Explore the
vessel. Make friends with the captain. Fish a little. And then get off
when you get home.

God really does work in mysterious ways.

Looking toward the Light
Tina

Thursday, January 12, 2006 9:51 AM CST

Happy Birthday to You! Happy Birthday to You! Happy Birthday my dear sister TRISH! Happy Birthday to you! I know you didn’t think I would forget now would you? How many times can you turn 29? I hope your day goes as well as it can, I wish I could be there with you but I can keep on knowing we will rock D.C. next week!!!!!!!!! You will forever be a part of the journey that I thank God for. You will always be my sister! Everybody needs to stop by and wish her a happy birthday www.caringbridge.org/ar/emmagrace.

Things here are still rocking along. I don’t know exactly why but there has been some peace in my mind this week. I guess God knew I needed a break from the sadness. I am looking forward to next week, work is going good, Hayden seems happy, I guess all of this adds up to a not so bad week.

A few prayer requests: Christal is having scans this week, Jake’s parents have a HUGE decision to make (we hope to spend some time with them this weekend), Princess Ashley’s family, Dalton, Eleanor if having another surgery today to remove some more tissue and lymph nodes to see what the game plan is, Joyce is home from the hospital but still weak. I know I missed some and as always the St. Jude kids still fighting each day.

I wanted to share a poem with you that I have seen so often but it brings me to tears each time I read it. A reminder that our children are never really ours they are just loaned to us from their Father:

I'll lend you for a little time, a child of mine, He said
For you to love while she lives, and mourn when she is dead.
It may be six or seven years, or twenty-two or three,
But will you, til, I come back take care of her for me?
She'll bring you charms to gladden you, and shall her stay be brief,
You'll have her lovely memories as solace for your grief.
I cannot promise she will stay, since all from Earth return,
But there are lessons taught down there I want this child to learn.
I've looked the whole world over in my search for teachers true,
And from the throngs that crowd life's lanes, I have selected you.
Now will you give her all your love, not think the labor vain,
Nor hate me when I come to call, to take her home again?
I fancied that I heard they say, Dear Lord, Thy will be done,
For all the joy Thy child shall bring, the risk of grief we'll run.
We'll shelter her with tenderness we'll love her while we may,
And for the happiness we've known, will ever grateful stay.
But shall the angels call for her, much sooner then we planned,
We'll brave the bitter giref that comes and try to understand.
-Unknown-

I think all of us who have walked the journey of grief would agree that our children were worth the pain. The lessons they taught us and so many others.

Love you all!

Maybe holding His hand today?
Tina

Wednesday, January 11, 2006 10:06 AM CST

AGH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I think that about says it. I sit here this morning so absolutley frustrated that I have just heard of heaven welcoming yet another St. Jude angel and friend. Princess Ashley earned her much deserved wings last night. I can't tell you how much it means during this time for them to know they have so many people that they don't even know praying and thinking about them so please stop by and let them know, they are a precious family www.caringbridge.org/la/princessashley.

My trip to D.C. is perfect timing, imagine that.

I have one request for everyone. It kind of ties back to Brother Wayne's sermon Sunday. Please think before you say things. You cannot imagine the things people say, and I guess they mean well but if they would have thought how it sounded they would have realized it was very inappropriate. Sometimes when you aren't sure what to say it is okay, all we really need is a hug anyway.

I saw a wound care doctor yesterday who was very good and should be able to fix this wound that we have been working on since May. The dressing is a pain but if it will work I will do it.

I stopped by this morning to take Mary Claire her candy store money and I brought in some change for her to give to St. Jude. While I was there her teacher told me that they were in 2nd place. Mary Claire looked at me and said "Looks like you will have to bring me some more money". She knows where her bread is buttered. She introduced me to her class which was cool. I loved to see the pictures that they have around reminding the kids about bringing the money. I can't wait to share with you how much they raise, the last few years it has been phenomonal. I expect this year to be no different.

I will be heading to the TV station in a few minutes to do an interview about the auction so please say an extra prayer that I will do a good job and help people to see the importance of St. Jude and the work that it does. That is one place that will forever hold a place in my heart and money from my wallet. I long for the day when they can say "Enough, we have found the CURE".

Thank you again for all of your continued love and support.

By His Grace Alone
Tina

Tuesday, January 10, 2006 10:29 AM CST

Yesterday was just another busy Monday at work. I am trying to tie up all loose ends before next week.

I heard that we may have another speaker in the family. The big Minden St. Jude Auction is coming up the first weekend of Feb. and it is in memory of Stanton so we have all been real excited to be able to help in anyway possible. For the last few years mom’s school has been a corporate sponsor and sponsored the playhouse. This year will be no different. When they were announcing at school yesterday that it was time to start collecting money for St. Jude, Mary Claire’s teacher (Mrs. Casey) noticed she had tears in her eyes. This is pretty unusual for Mary Claire because she always has happy memories but I guess just like us it sinks in every now and then that he is not coming back. Casey asked if she wanted to talk about it and share with the class but she didn’t at the time. Later when she was ready, she was really ready. They said she must have been listening to Aunt Tina talk because she talked about finding a cure for childhood cancer and how important this money for St. Jude was. I am so proud of her and thinking maybe she should be going to D.C. Mary Claire-I am so proud of you that you shared your St. Jude story with your class. I miss your Stancie too but you know he still watches over us. You keep up the good work raising money for St. Jude and we will have so much fun at the auction. I love you more than my arms can reach!!!!!!!!!!!!

Now I am going to copy Tonya Nason and share a song with you. It is amazing as I was listening to it yesterday I thought that is my journal for tomorrow. When I looked at Brent’s page she had posted the same song but I am sharing anyway. It just goes to show great minds think alike. Brent has started chemo so please keep him and his family in your prayers. The second time around is harder to accept I think. Here is the song:

Warrior is a Child

Lately I've been winning battles left and right
But even winners can get wounded in the fight
People say that I'm amazing
Strong beyond my years
But they don't see inside of me
I'm hiding all the tears
(Chorus)
They don't know that I go running home when I fall down
They don't know who picks me up when no one is around
I drop my sword and cry for just a while
'Cause deep inside this armour
The warrior is a child

Unafraid because his armour is the best
But even soldiers need a quiet place to rest
People say that I'm amazing
Never face retreat
But they don't see the enemies
That lay me at His feet

I drop my sword and look up for His smile
Because deep inside this armour
Deep inside this armour
Deep inside this armour
The Warrior is a Child

Just a reminder that although some of us put on really good faces deep down we all draw our strength from the same God who can do all things.

This Warrior is a Child
Tina

Monday, January 9, 2006 11:06 AM CST

Good Monday morning to all. It is a shame I have to leave the house without any pants to hear from so many of you! Just kidding, I am glad that my story brought and continues to bring a smile to so many faces. I am not even sure what to say when you don’t have a mind to lose, what am I losing? Oh well, at least I enjoy my conversations with my other personalities.

I guess in comparison to usual we had a pretty eventful weekend. Friday I finally went to the doctor to find out if diabetes was really an issue (although I knew in my gut that it was) and it is. I am going to brag on my new doctor for a minute though. As most of you know Stanton’s pediatrician is one in a million. I had said I would follow her anywhere! Well, now her husband is practicing in Minden. He is a family practice doctor and from what I have seen so far is as good as Elizabeth (although he did make me wait longer than she would, ha ha). I really feel like this is just another reason why God brought this family into my life. Scott-thank you so much for taking care of me and listening to everything that I had going on. No matter what Elizabeth says, don’t lose the personal touch to go faster, you never know it may be just what someone needs for that day. Elizabeth-you continue to be amazing and such an inspiration to me. You know I am here to help anytime! I love you guys.

Saturday Hayden played in a 50 inning ballgame, or almost 50 inning. I am not sure how many innings they played but from 9-2. It was to raise money for new jackets for the baseball team. He did okay, and of course got many pointers from his daddy on what needed improvement. Hayden seems to be pretty happy right now. I think for a change all aspects of his life are at a good point. I love to see him having fun and smiling more.

For our D.C. trip we had to have a photo book to hand out to the congressional members that we meet with so I spent Saturday and Sunday afternoon working on this. It is times like this when being a perfectionist is not always a good thing. I got pretty frustrated but managed to get it together and to the printer this morning. I hope it comes out okay. Looking back at all of those pictures sure did bring back so many memories. I wish I could say that they didn’t bring tears but that was not the case. Many tears were shed and I just longed to hold him again. One thing I was reminded of is his amazing personality. I didn’t find many pictures where he wasn’t grinning from ear to ear. In all of the pictures of he an Emma Grace they looked like they were up to something (and I am quite sure they were). How in the world did God feel I was worthy??

Church yesterday was great. We had 2 very good lessons. In Sunday School we talked about true wealth and if money really matters? Yes, it is nice but does it make you happy? My answer would be a definite “NO”. There are just some things money can’t buy and others that money can’t replace. Most importantly you can’t buy your way into heaven. Brother Wayne talked about communication and how we let our tongues get us into so much trouble. How one small body part can do so much good in one instance yet do something that can hurt someone so bad in another.

I want to close from a quote from my Bedside Blessings (may not be exact because I don’t have it with me)
“Don’t look at this as a steep hill almost too steep to climb, but look at it as a ramp leading to all of the great things God has in store for your life.”

Climbing
Tina

For those of you who don’t know, Casey Beavers (that I had asked for special prayer for) earned his angel wings Thursday night. His celebration service will be today I believe.
www.caringbridge.org/la/casey

Friday, January 6, 2006 9:34 AM CST

I am being blackmailed so I have to start off telling you how my day started off. If I don’t tell you someone else will and she will add a little drama to the story. I was in the bedroom getting dressed and had everything I needed but my jeans. I did have a lot on my mind although that is not an excuse but I went into the den grabbed my purse, the bills I needed to mail, my bottle of water of course and headed out the door. When I got outside it seemed a little cooler than I expected until I realized I had never put my jeans on. Okay, so that is your laugh for the day. Just glad I realized it early. Anybody think I may have trouble getting security clearance for Capitol Hill?

On the way to work I heard a commercial that brought memories that actually brought a smile to my face which some days are really hard to come by. It was a commercial about the bull riding being in Bossier this weekend. During our time home before relapse we had the chance to take Stanton to this bull riding. He was a cowboy all the way, and in fact had asked for only a bull that Christmas (which he did get I might add). We spent the day of the event at the western store to meet some of the bull riders. I don’t think they new quite what to expect as Stanton walked down the table, climbed in their laps and as usual did whatever he wanted to do. He also wanted yellow boots to where that night. We got the closest thing we could find and he agreed to it so that night he got all fixed up from head to toe. We had seats where he could see the bulls going into the chutes and I don’t know that I ever saw him sit that still again. Jeff didn’t get to watch much of the show because Stanton kept sending him after things to eat. We bought him whatever he wanted because at that time he wouldn’t eat anything, well except if it came from the bull riding. When the last rider was through we got up to leave and carried Stanton out screaming “I just want to watch one more bull. Just one more bull please” It was one of those times when it broke your heart because you were used to giving in to anything and there was nothing I could do to make one more bull ride. Oh those memories seem like yesterday.

There is something on my heart that I just feel like I need to share. It is about prayer. I know I often ask you to pray for certain things or certain people. I also know how hard it is to pray for something so hard only to not get the results you were looking for. God wants us to pray, He wants to know our wants and our needs but when we get the answer to that prayer we need to remember that the answer is what God needs. Every answered prayer is part of His plan, be it answered in the way we asked or in His own way. He is NEVER wrong and NEVER makes mistakes. I will admit that this is very hard to type and even harder to accept when your specific prayers centered around your youngest child for so long. I still look at pictures and wonder why? Why did God need him more than me and then I realize that maybe it wasn’t just God that needed Him, maybe there are others out there that needed his story, his journey to recognize their own need for God. Maybe I needed the journey although short, very life changing. After Stanton relapsed my prayers for him always included the fact that I knew it was God’s will that would be done and then I would pray for the strength to handle whatever that was. I pray for that strength on a daily basis now. I also got the answer to my prayer in God’s way. Stanton is perfectly and completely healed. One day I will see him again in his perfect form. I just know that there may be people reading these websites that are nonbelievers or low on faith and they need to know that their prayers are being heard. God hears everyone of them, but they are answered according to His purpose and His plan.

I love to read Tonya’s journal entries (Brent’s mom) and when I read today I was so uplifted. They got news yesterday was not what they wanted to hear and her comment was “this is not a set back but a set up” God is going to use this leg of there journey to set up bigger and better things for Brent, his family and many others who read his site. I just thought it was a pretty powerful and bold statement coming from someone who’s prayers may not have been answered in the way that they would have liked. Thank you Tonya from sharing from your heart. Our prayers continue to be with Brent and your family.

I will end with the names of a few people that need prayers, Eleanor and her family, Joyce, Brent, Dalton, Casey’s family, Trish and I, Sherri, Ben, Madelyn, Ashley, Jake and all of the other St. Jude Hero’s that fight for their life on a daily basis.

Thank you for hanging in there with me today while I rambled a little bit.

Praying for His Purpose
Tina

Thursday, January 5, 2006 7:14 AM CST

12:30 THURSDAY: I am foregoing an more of an update to ask for you to continue bringing the prayers for Eleanor to the throne. I just talked to her husband and the information they received was not what they had hoped for. The lump that they removed was cancerous. She will undergo more tests next week. Please just lift Eleanor and her family up in prayer as I know how difficult this is. Once again, it was 3 years ago that I was calling and telling her the same thing about Stanton.

I will update more later but wanted to get this prayer request on early this morning. As you all know my employees have been great to me this year and today one of them needs your prayers. Eleanor is having a biopsy done. The doctors do not seem very concerned but anytime you have to biopsy something there is a level of anxiety. Please pray for an easy procedure for her and peace of knowing that God is in control. Please also pray for Sonny (her husband) as he also waits on the results but more importantly has to wait on Eleanor. Sonny-I feel for you because we all know what kind of patient she is (or is that her normal personality). Praying for negative results and a quick recovery. I think I speak for all of us in HIM, we love you.

By His Grace Alone
Tina

Wednesday, January 4, 2006 9:54 AM CST

Yesterday was another busy day at work. I really like these. Jeff got an invitation to go duck hunting so he left yesterday afternoon and when I asked when he was coming home his answer was “I don’t know”. I don’t mind because I see how much he enjoys these hunts when he comes home and his eyes light up as he talks about them. Hayden and I are always up for some quality time or at least I am and he usually is when it is meal time.

He started back to school yesterday. For another few weeks he will actually be working out for football and baseball which is exhausting for him so please pray for him these next few weeks. He has terrible trouble with shin splints and doesn’t always do what the doctor says so I get really aggravated with him some days..

My day yesterday was still filled with many memories of our first day at St. Jude. I also found out that a teenager from our town is not doing very well. He is also a patient at St. Jude. Please pray for him and his family and if you get a chance stop by his website and tell him Stanton sent you. www.caringbridge..org/la/casey. I have actually never met them but talked to his brother once and Hayden knows him from school.

There are a couple of things I want to share with you today. The first is my Bedside Blessing from last night.

Proverbs 3:5-6

“Trust in the Lord with all of your heart, and lean not on your own understanding; In all your ways acknowledge Him and He will direct you paths.”

Trust, such a little word with big implications. We have to learn to trust God with everything. Things may not go as we want them to but we have to trust that God knows exactly what is going on and the plan for it all.

If you place all of your trust in Him you can’t go wrong. He will straighten the crooked paths and smooth the bumpy ones.

I also wanted to share some song lyrics with you that I heard on the way to work this morning but I can’t seem to find them so you will get to read what I heard. The song was about our jobs as Christians to make God famous. I think I get so focused on making sure Stanton is not forgotten that I may not focus on this enough. No matter what we go through God wants us to praise Him and share His name with everyone. Another resolution for me I guess would be to keep this in the front of my head so that I remember to make God famous.

Trying to make Him famous
Tina

Tuesday, January 3, 2006 10:50 AM CST

I promise not to bore you with another day of details from 3 years ago. Sometimes I just need to vent and talk out loud. Thank you all for listening.

Luckily yesterday was a very busy day and today is proving to be the same which is fine because the day goes by so much faster. There is something about being at work that makes me feel good. It is the one place where I usually still feel like I know what I am doing. I know some of you may debate me on that but let me feel good anyway.

I played Bunko last night with the girls. I am just a sub but usually play a good bit. It is kind of nice to sit around and hear other peoples problems. Some of these women have become very dear friends. I must apologize to Jamie though, I gave her a really hard time and picked on her most of the night. I thought she was a good sport until she tried to leave me (which she could have accomplished if she had been parked straight). Carson said it was okay because I could stay with him and wear his pajamas. For those of you there you all know I was just picking on Jamie. Jamie-you know I was picking and that I love you more than words could say. There is no way I could have made it the last years without you. You seem to be the one that can be strong enough to pick up the pieces when I fall apart, which is quite often. You share your girls with me even though I tend to have no boundaries and you have to try to fix that when they come home. There were days over the holidays when you knew just what to do to make sure I kept going and didn’t crawl into my hole. I am so sorry that you have had to do all of this because I know you hurt so too. I couldn’t have asked for anyone to love and continue to love Stanton anymore than you do. It is true that the more you love the harder it hurts! Thank you and I love you!

One of my devotionals this morning talked about living in the moment. I know that over the last months I have not done this. I have looked at how hard the following days and weeks would be. I am not really setting a resolution but I am going to work harder at living in each moment and enjoying the ones I can and crying through the ones I can’t.

Still very broken but REFUSING to be defeated
Tina

Monday, January 2, 2006 2:43 PM CST

With the new year starts new memories. I have decided that my life is just full of day to day memories that I wouldn’t trade so I best learn how to deal with them.

3 years ago today; I can tell you almost every single conversation that I had, what time I left work, what I was wearing, what Stanton was wearing, every detail of the day almost to a tee. I remember telling mom and Jeff not to worry about coming to the hospital because we would be fine (thank goodness neither of them listened to me). The one thing I can tell you that stands out the most is rounding the corner of the CT room at Minden Medical Center and seeing Dr. Phillips (in overalls) with tears in her eyes. I remember not being able to get into the room so we could have some privacy. I remember sitting there holding Stanton (he was asleep) saying “this cannot be happening” over and over again. Yes, Jan. 2. 2003 would be the day that would forever change our lives. I know this may sound crazy but I am glad that I didn’t know then what I know now. If I would have known the ending the journey would have been to sad, instead it was a journey that we have so many great memories that were made. Each day was lived as if it were the last. Things that were once important were no longer important anymore. So what if Stanton wanted coke to drink, wanted to play with 3 things at one time, got something on his shirt, slept in our bed, was he happy was our only concern. Oh how we had taken things for granted! Today has been one filled with tears and memories but I had a report to do so I have been busy.

As I was trying not to have a pity party a very dear friend that used to work here rounded the corner of my office. I sure did need to see him! Dennis-thank you for being the special person you have always been, don’t ever change a thing. You have always known what I needed sometimes before I knew it and today was one of those days. Love you bunches!!

As I started my Bedtime Blessings book over again last night of course the quote for the month caught my eye as more than appropriate “God’s timing is always perfect”. This is such a hard thing to comprehend but something I learn on a daily basis lately. On the days that have been the toughest, I have gotten a call, an email, a letter, a guestbook entry, or something to remind me how blessed I am and what an impact Stanton had on people. These comments and thoughts can do so much to bring up a broken hearted spirit. For all of you who continue to keep lifting me up you will never know how much it means to me and how much I love you all so.

I know most of you have read from Trish’s website that we will be traveling to Washington D.C. to advocate for more childhood cancer research dollars. This is an incredible opportunity for our babies to once again make a HUGE difference. This is an opportunity that I am honored to get to be a part of and I couldn’t think of anyone I would rather share it with than Trish. Now D.C. might wish it were 2 other moms before it is over. Just say extra prayers as we take on this new part of the journey. It will be an emotional one but one well worth it.

Glad His timing is perfect
Tina

Sunday, January 1, 2006 8:04 PM CST

UGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Been a LONG day
Tina

Saturday, December 31, 2005 11:09 AM CST

As you all know me so well, you know you might want to sit down for this update. I sit here in the silence knowing this is not only the last day of the month (which you all know I don’t like) but also the last day of the year. A year that has been filled with so many emotions and most certainly a year that we will never forget. The year that Stanton’s journey on this earth was over. I looked back at last years journal and the one thing that stood out was that none of the blessings had changed except for the fact that we didn’t have Stanton. I will be most honest in saying that 4 years ago if something would have happened to one of my children would I be able to feel blessed in any way much less in so many ways. That just shows what God’s hands can do for you in the middle of a crisis. I wish I could look ahead and think things would be getting better soon but we still have some big anniversaries coming up which I will just keep letting God carry me through.

Before I start my list of memories and blessings I want to ask for prayer for a special neuroblastoma warrior Brent, they just found out he has relapsed. www.caringbridge.org/ms/brentnason.

I guess now I will give you my 2005 year in review, the good the bad and the indifferent.

I have to start by saying as you know that along with so many good memories also come a load of sad memories from this year. From finding our Stanton’s diseased had progressed and we had one last time to try to win, to being told that the last try didn’t work and there was nothing else they can do for him. Talk about a day that will live in a memory forever. We really didn’t change our lifestyle as we had been living though as each day could have been his last for over 2 years but now it was more than real.

Taking Stanton back to the Target house, meeting with the hospice nurse, memories no mother should ever have to face. I will never forget the people that came to his last birthday party and made it so very special. I promise you it is different when you know there will never be another party. At that point we didn’t realize that there would never be another birthday.

Walking into the hospital that last time with a gut feeling that you will be leaving without your child. Falling asleep with your son laying next to you to be awakened a couple of hours later and he is no longer there. Pain and hurt like you have never known slapping you in the face. Actually walking out of the hospital without him.

Having to pack up and leave a place you have called home for 2 years not to mention the people that have become your family. Walking out of the Target House was one of the most difficult things I have ever had to do.

Coming home trying to restart life without Stanton. Where do we go? What do we do? We quickly learned the pain of losing dear friends and really never knowing why. We also learn quickly of how hard the “firsts” are going to be.

Not really even accepting Stanton’s death yet, we were faced with another huge loss, Emma Grace. We just knew she was going to win the battle and that she did just not in our way. Comforting a dear sister who has already been through so much.

This year was a year of losing many dear children to cancer. Losing one is too many but this year was just almost too much to bear.

I have shared all of these sad things I remember from the year and you know me I will share the blessings as well.

First and foremost I will never understand why God though I was worthy enough to be the mother of such an incredible little boy. I am blessed to have been called his mother and I know that his life blessed so many others.

Through Stanton I learned the true meaning of courage, strength, bravery and complete unconditional love. I learned from a 3 year old what most people spend their entire lives looking for and the good thing is I don’t think I am the only one that learned these values.

I am blessed that Stanton never seemed to be in a great deal of pain and that his death was a very peaceful one. He had his chance to say goodbye as did everyone else. His last words to all of us that night were “Goodnight I love you” We were blessed to not have to go through this night alone. We were surrounded by friends and family.

We made many wonderful memories during the journey that we will cherish forever and with those memories come the friends that we made. Without the journey our lives would have never crossed paths with some of the most amazing people I will ever meet. I can never begin to list you all. From the friends, patients, doctors and staff our lives were touched.

I learned to trust in God completely with every aspect of my life. I learned that although our answers may be different He is always right and there is an ultimate plan and reason for His answers. I learned that there really were people who had never had a chance to know God and His Almighty Power and I got a chance to help them start their walk with Him.

I am not going to go into all the blessings brought to us by our families. We couldn’t have asked for a better support group so to, Daddy, Mom, Jamie, Scotty, Mary Claire, Elynn Kate, Mamaw Miller, Papaw GG, O.H., Debbie, Dakota, Hank, Dana, Heather, Coltan, Hollan, Sug and the rest of the Haynes’ thank you so much for being there when we needed you the most.

To our friends from home home your support was unwaivering and for that we are blessed. Words wouldn’t do justice to the blessings that came from my boss, employees and co-workers.

I watched a close community come together to support us and Stanton in ways that were unimaginable from the find raisers for us to the money raised for St. Jude. I am proud to say I am from Minden.

I have learned so many things that I know without this journey it would have taken me years, if ever to learn. I am a better wife, mother, daughter (in-law), sister and friend that I was before. I learned that material things mean so little in this world we call home. It is not the material things that will bring happiness but the feelings in your heart and the memories that you make. My most precious possessions could not be bought with money. I was forced to look inside myself and set my priorities. I am ashamed to say they needed to be changed. I have learned that there is no fear in dying. I will be headed to a much better place.

I couldn’t end this journal without mentioning the 2 biggest blessings of this year. Jeff, my husband and best friend, God knew I would need a strong shoulder to lean on and you have been that. I am praying our 2006 will be much happier. Hayden-God not only felt I was worthy of one incredible sons but 2. Thank you for being AMAZING! I know Stanton was so proud you were his bubba. I look forward to a year of being here for you anytime you need me. I am also so very proud that you call me mom.

The blessings do outnumber the sad moments but these days it seems as the sad are just more prominent in my mind. I am going to continue on into 2006 with my eyes wide open to all God has in store for me. I know the journey is long from over.

Blessed Beyond Words
Happy New Year
Tina

Thursday, December 29, 2005 9:57 PM CST

I know you all never know when I am going to update. I like to keep you on your toes (Especially you O.H.). After trying to go back to work it was decided that I was not quite over the Christmas holiday and probably needed a few more days. So, I brought some work home and will go back to start a new year hopefully on better terms.

I did decide (with a little prompting) that I might need to go on and finish unpacking our stuff from Memphis. Mainly Stanton's toys. Since I was already in a pretty bad slump this would be better than waiting until I felt better only to relive things over again. So today, mom, Jamie, Mary Claire, Elynn Kate and I set out to go through boxes of toys. I must say that I did not do well. Jamie I think came with her mind made up that she could do this but Mom and I had a harder time than that. So many memories boxed up in those toys. We found a bag of pillows and you could still smell him on them. Oh how I didn't want to let go. I agree it was the thing to do and needed to be done but it was not easy but was going to get no easier. We did keep some of his favorite toys. Maybe one day (not in the near future) we will have grandchildren to share these with.

One memory I have to share is about Mom and Stanton. Many of you know that I am a very undomesticated person (and some would say this is an understatment, O.H.). I will admit I prefer the business world to domestic engineer any day. When mom and dad would be coming to the RMH we would have to clean as best that we could because my daddy is a neat freak and it would drive him crazy. When mom would come to stay she kept the clothes washed and things as neat as possible so when she came to stay before Christmas the first thing she did was start washing clothes. When she went to take the first load out of the washing machine she found a HUGE "cockaroacha bug" as Stanton would say. After the initial shock and her getting ready to fuss at me it dawned on her that a bug should not have made it through the wash in one piece. Well, Stanton had gotten to pick out of a treasure chest that week and what he picked was a bag of fake bugs and one had gotten into the dirty clothes. It is a memory never to be forgoten. Today cleaning out we found one cockaroacha bug which is amazing since he had about 20. Mom and I just teared up, laughed and then she put it in her pocket.

Tonight we rode over to Monroe for Jake's birthday party. It was a very bittersweet evening. This is a family that we hold so very dear to our heart and love Jake like our own but watching all of the children run around was pretty hard. Tonight was just also a reminder that you never know what tomorrow holds so enjoy today. I can say that tonight's party is one that Don and Staci will never look back on and regret. Love you children just a little more if for nothing else, but for me.

Mrs. Ichter-thank you so much for the pie but more importantly for the memories. I can remember each instance that you talked about. There was always something about Pepaw and the wagons. He loved to pull the kids in them and that day Stanton had gotten a new wagon. I think by the time he got home he was asleep. I also remember Jeff coming to Sonrisers. We were so proud to be able to show off a healthy Stanton to a group that had prayed so hard for us. Your's and Brother Bill's unwaivering support means the world to me. I also know you have done so much to support my daddy. I think he may open up to you both when he may try to protect us.

I promise to get back to my book I was sharing there is just so much else right now. Thank you all for the stories you share and the love you offer. We are a very blessed family.

Believing in God's grace
Tina

Wednesday, December 28, 2005 10:55 AM CST

I am sorry for the lack of updates I just felt like I had nothing positive to say so I just didn't say anything. I am still on an emotional roller coaster from Christmas. I finally decided it was time to clean my house. Has not proven to be a real good idea. I have found do many things that bring back memories of Stanton. I have been reminded how fortunate I am to have those happy memories.

One thing I wanted to share was how we spent last Christmas. Of course we were at the RMH, I was always so thankful that our first round of treatment we were home for Christmas. I couldn't imagine Christmas away from home. Isn't it good how God works? We were in Memphis last Christmas and I know you are wondering how that could be good? The good thing about that is that it was different. It was a Christmas that can never be forgotten because it was so different from what we were used to. First of all we actually had a white Christmas which you don't have in Louisiana. Jeff and Hayden spent many hours doing their part at the RMH shoveling ice and snow. While they were doing this I was doing my part playing with the toys, seperating and getting them ready for Santa. I am sure while we were doing all of this Stanton was helping Mr. Tim fill up the coke machines. We spent Christmas Eve with a very special family who welcomed us into their home and made us feel like family.

One thing the RMH does that is special is that each day the week before Christmas, the parents are allowed to go to a store and "shop" for each kid in their family (no money is needed). One vivid memory I have is walking into that room for the first time and being humbled to the point of tears at the generosity of people. The other fun thing was that the kids also had a store that they shopped in for the parents. Stanton being the independent child that he was shopped all on his own without the help of Granma. One day he even took his own wrapping paper. You know all of the gifts were priceless and I will treasure them all for as long as I live. He was so very proud of everything he picked out. Since Emma Grace was in the hospital he even got to pick out presents for "Krish" and Barney. Trish and I talked about how proud he was of her gifts.

We spent the rest of Christmas Eve helping out at the RMH because volunteers had trouble getting in. We loved getting to pitch in to a place that had done so much for us. The memories made will never be forgotten by any of us.

On Christmas Day once again it was different, actually a good different. Things were quiet and slow. The kids got to enjoy their toys, I went to spend my girl time with Emma Grace. There are pictures of her fixing my hair on the transplant unit.

I still can't beleive how so much has changed in a year. Did I know last year it would be our last Christmas with Stanton? If I did I would have never admitted it but I also wouldn't have changed a thing.

I still find myself waiting to wake up from this nightmare, but as I told Jeff, "if Christmas wishes don't come true I can probably stop wishing". Please continue to pray for our family as we are enduring the last of the firsts. Things are still so very difficult.

In Him
Tina

Monday, December 26, 2005 11:38 AM CST

All I can really say about yesterday is that one more first is over. It was a very very difficult day. I feel for those who were with me because I spent most of the day in tears.

Stanton-I know you had the greatest Christmas ever! How awesome to celebrate with Jesus. We all missed you more than we can say. There was certainly a hole in everything we did where you should have been. I love you so much! All the way to heaven and back!

Being carried
Tina

Saturday, December 24, 2005 10:22 AM CST

Yes, an early update. Truth be known I have been up since about 5:30. I want so much for this to be easier but I know it is not going to be, so for those that will surround me this Christmas, I am sorry in advance. I hope you can look past me and have a good time, keeping Stanton close in your memories. We will be going to mom’s this evening for Christmas with her family. For me, this will be a double whammy because it will be my first Christmas at home without my mamaw. This was her very favorite time of the year. I know she and Stanton are having their own special time. I want to close with a poem Joyce gave me:

Twas the night before Christmas when all through the house,
Not a creature was stirring not even a mouse;
The stockings were hung by the chimney with care,
But some childrens’ stockings were missing this year.

Children were nestled all snug in their beds,
While some parents cling to memories in their heads;
These children all fought their battles so strong,
Why oh why God, did disease have to come along?

These children all fought for each precious day;
From needles to transplants needed along the way,
These angels still found a smile to share,
To cheer all the people who really did care.

Their memories live on…these precious little ones,
Disease has taken so many of our daughters and sons;
Children should not have to go through this fear…
Please oh please God…can you send us a cure?

Star after star lighting up the sky,
Leaving memories of parents all asking why,
Each star tells a story, a family forever changed…
As we read each child’s star…name after name…

There’s Zoie, Stanton and Emma Grace
There stories are all told, and memories held dear…
These children are spending Christmas in Heaven this year.

The sky is twinkling, their stars sure do shine,
So many hearts touched, especially mine;
A bundle of joy…missed so sadly will be,
Their memories will continue on...for all to see.

Their eyes how they twinkled, their smile were so bright,
Just like their stars that now light up the night;
Shattered lives, futures changed, a puzzle incomplete,
The meaning of life…us parents now seek.

God went right to work, and spoke not a word,
These Children are now...as free as a bird;
God filled each stocking with hope...faith...and love,
God blessed us all and sent us a dove.

Please hold us all close Father...let us feel your love,
Take care of the children up in Heaven above;
Send each parents love to their angel in the sky,
Until we are reunited in Heaven and can understand why.

Tonight as you look into the night sky first remember that oh so special star that shined above Jesus on this special night and then remember all those children who are shining down on us parents tonight!

I love you all! Merry Christmas!

Looking up today and tonight
Tina

Friday, December 23, 2005 3:44 PM CST

Sorry for the lack of update yesterday. As you can imagine my time at home and alone is getting more and more difficult. I took a couple of days off to have some "me" time. I have done just that. I spent yesterday with Jamie and Casey having girls day. We went to the Boardwalk and to a movie. I was doing pretty good until right before the movie a St. Jude commercial came on. I know it seems so selfish but I would love to be where we were last year at this time. As Sherri's entry says, it was a very eventful Christmas. There was snow and ice, which Hayden and Jeff did their share of shoveling while my compulsive self spent many hours in the toy room making sure all the toys were seperated into boys and girls and then making sure all of the bags were perfect. I know all of the staff and volunteers work so hard at this time of the year but I don't know if there has ever been that much thought that has gone into each and every bag. I guess it is bad to wish that you weren't home for Christmas but in my wish Stanton would still be here.

Today I spent part of the day with Dana and Hollan. Hollan is really a mess and we had a good time with great conversation. I guess I really did need some me time.

We are going to Jamie's tonight to have dinner with them and Casey and Dean. Jamie is trying very hard to keep my mind occupied and she is doing a pretty good job of it.

Until you have been there you have no idea what it feels like to not have to buy presents for your child. To not have to worry about having cookies and milk. To miss seeing the excitement on their faces as you drive around looking at the lights. To not have them singing Christmas carols with you. I can't tell you how much I miss having Stanton moving his nativity scene exactly where he wants it at any given minute and to here him tell the story of baby Jesus. To not have to get your Christmas books out this year because their is no one to read them to. To cry yourself to sleep at night because there is no warm little body next to you saying "I love you". There truly is a sense of "excitement" that is missing. Oh how I miss that little boy with the tremendous smile and great personality. Oh how I long for the day to hold him once more.

Sorry this has been a depressing journal but you all know I shoot straight from the heart. Please pray for those who are also spending their first Christmas without their child (esp. my sister Trish), for those who are still in treatment living day to day, and for those who know this may be their last Christmas with their child.

I thought I would end with something that someone put in the guestbook that I really enjoyed:
Bereaved Parents Wish List (author unknown)

1. I wish you would not be afraid to speak my child's name. They lived and were important and I need to hear their name.

2. If I cry or get emotional if we talk about my child, I wish you knew that it isn"t because you have hurt me; the fact they have died has caused my tears. You have allowed me to cry and I thank you. Crying and emotional outbursts are healing.

3. I wish you wouldn't let my loved one die again by removing from your home her pictures, artwork, or other remembrances.

4. I will have emotional highs and lows, ups and downs. I wish you wouldn't think that if I have a good day my grief is over, or that if I have a bad day I need psychiatric counseling.

5. I wish you knew that the death of a child is different from other losses and must be viewed separately. It is the ultimate tragedy and I with you wouldn't compare it to your loss of a parent, spouse, or a pet. This one is just the worst in my eyes.

6. Being a bereaved person is not contagious, so I wish you wouldn't stay away from me.

7. I wish you knew all the crazy grief reactions that I am having are in fact very normal. Depression, anger, frustration and hopelessness and the questioning of values and beliefs are to be expected following a death.

8. I wish you wouldn't expect my grief to be over in six months. The first few years are going to be exceedingly traumatic for us. As with alcoholics, I will never be cured or a formerly bereaved but forever be recovering from my bereavement.

9. I wish you understood the physical reaction to grief. I may gain weight or lose weight, sleep all the time or not at all, develop a lot of illness and be accident prone, all of which are related to my grief.

10. Our child's birthday, the anniversary of her death, and the holiday are terrible times for us. I wish you would tell us that you are thinking about them on these days and if we get quiet and withdrawn, just know that we are thinking about them and don't try to coerce us into being cheerful.

11. I wish you wouldn't offer to take me out for a drink, or to a party; this is just a temporary crutch and the only way I can get through this grief is to experience it. I have to hurt before I can heal.

12. I wish you understood that grief changes people. I am not the same person I was before my child died and I will never be that person again. If you keep waiting for me to be back to my old self you will stay frustrated. I am a new creature with new thoughts, dreams, aspirations, and values. Please try to get to know the new me; maybe you will still like me.

13. Please don't tell us she is in a better place. As her mommy and daddy there is no better place then in our arms. We know you mean well but......

Just needing to grieve
Tina

Wednesday, December 21, 2005 10:38 AM CST

Guess What? One more day down. Time seems to fly by one minute and creep by the next. Yesterday turned out to be a difficult one for me for many reasons that I will spare you the details.

I do want to thank Jamie and the girls for coming by last night. The girls had an ulterior motive I think, they wanted to open a present and since Aunt Tina has more than their share they knew I would say yes. In fact, Elynn Kate had called and asked me to bring her a present to open. I guess when I wouldn’t come to her she came to me. I am just picking on them because I know the real reason they came in was for Jamie to check on me. She knew I was having a rough day and she needed to make sure I was okay. 20 years ago you would have never convinced me that the 2 of us would be friends, I am sure she feels the same way. But today I consider her so much more than a sister, she is one of my very dear friends who continues to pick up the pieces every time I fall apart which means she stays very busy.

We will be celebrating Christmas with some other very special friends tonight. I am looking forward to the fellowship with Angela and Bill but most of all with their 2 precious children Zachary and Gracie who will be spending their first Christmas with them. You see, they adopted the 2 most amazing kids but they are pretty incredible people themselves.

Onto Chapter 6 “Love Found a Way to Counsel Us:

This chapter tells starts with several stories but my favorite one is about the children’s choir singing for the congregation, but there was one little boy in the congregation who could not hear a word they were singing so it meant very little to him. When the choir began to sign a song, the little boy’s eyes lit up and he began to sign along with the choir. They were speaking his language. God’s love doesn’t simply speak to crowds; it speaks to individuals. And always it’s the Wonderful Counselor who’s doing the speaking.

Many of you may be troubled may be looking for someone to turn to for help or advice. You may not want all of your troubles fixed just someone to run them past occasionally. There are people who you can pay to help you. I know that my therapist does wonders for me and I love having him to turn to but I also know that he cannot specialize in every area. There is one somebody who is though, God is qualified to counsel in every area. What makes him so effective is an easy question to answer. God knows everything about everything.

Although we know this, including me, I still search for answers other places sometimes only to ultimately go back to the one who I know holds all of the answers. The sad thing is, is that it took a very difficult, painful experience for me to seek His counsel with ALL of my heart. I tried to hold onto pieces that I thought I could fix. I can promise you that you don’t want to wait on a difficult experience to realize He is all you need.

After you realize that God is the Almighty Counselor God wants you to be one who counsels others according to the direction of the Holy Spirit, believing that God has been speaking with them before you walked onto the scene. It is an exciting way to live, knowing you are being used just as God wants you to be. He will direct your words and steps to fulfill His purpose. I have to say this is sometimes when I have the hardest time is listening and making sure I am fulfilling God’s purpose for my life and for Stanton’s life. I know the story didn’t end on Feb. 13. I know there is more God has in store for our difficult journey and I long to know what that more is.

Love will find a way to speak to you, wherever you are in life, whatever your circumstances, no matter what your need. “How do I know that? Because He’s more than a Counselor. He’s Wonderful.

I absolutely loved this chapter for many reasons but mainly because it reinforced something that I needed to hear. I don’t have to take on the pain and burdens by myself. I have a Counselor who is available 24 hours a day 7 days a week. Thank you God for being my Almighty Counselor.

Listening for Him
Tina

Tuesday, December 20, 2005 1:15 PM CST

Okay, I know this is getting a little late in the day for an update but you get what you get. I actually got up this morning and went to Dr. Spurlock where I got my tear ducts plugged with permanent plugs. I know most of you are thinking the same thing that Jeff said, “how in the world can your eyes be dry?” Well, I got the answer to that today. The rears you cry and the natural tears needed to lubricate your eyes are 2 different things. Si I am telling everyone at work that I had surgery this morning, I had silicon implants put in. I have gotten many funny looks.

I wish I could say things were getting better but no such luck. I am really trying hard but things are just not the same without Stanton. I went back and read my journal entry from last Dec. 17th and it talked about the parents who were having their last Christmas with their child and didn’t even know it. Boy what a shocker to look back and realize I was talking about myself.

I got a special phone call this morning. Karen-thank you for taking the time to pick up the phone just to let me know you were thinking of us. You would be surprised the people who want say anything rather than try to say something. One of my fears is that Stanton will be forgotten so I was honored when you shared one of your memories of him.

Okay, now for more of the book: Chapter 5 “Love Found A Way to Bring Us Joy”

Christmas time should be a time of great joy but for so many people it is not, it is a time of missing a lost loved one, friends forgetting to write or call, etc. The story he tells is about visiting his mom at a Senior Care Center. (I can tell you if you have never visited a nursing home at Christmas, you will be brought to tears and blessed in one trip). He describes a choir that comes once a week and how much the residents enjoy the singing, only for one day to find that they had canceled. He describes the people that live their and their disappointment and something so simple that had brought them joy now brought pain.

God in His love always finds a way to bring us joy. Joy in Himself, not dependent on circumstances. He comes to our parties, he answers our phone calls. When Jesus makes an appointment He is always there. When we put our hope in Him we are never disappointed.

He goes on to describe how vast God’s love for us is and how incomprehensible his love for us is. When you see that the cup of your life is much too small to contain the love God keeps pouring into you, you will begin to pour that overabundance of love and great joy into the lives of those around you. One of the best ways to experience God’s love is to give it away, and the more you give away the more you will be filled from heaven’s endless reservoirs.

Love found a way to bring us joy, a joy that comes not form what we have, but from Who has us.

Longing for His Joy
Tina

Monday, December 19, 2005 9:46 AM CST

This is going to be short and sweet as I really just don't have words to express how I feel today. I know me without words in pretty unbelievable.

I got to work to be greeted with many presents from my staff, a couple which brough tears to my eyes. On in particular because I am sure she doesn't even know how much it means. Vera brought me a stuffed Santa Claus from the Polar Express movie and when you squeeze his hand he days "Remember the magic of Christmas is in your heart". What words of wisdom from a stuffed Santa Claus. First of all Polar Express was one of the fun things we did with Stanton last Christmas and he loved it. We even had to find a bell. The other part is a gentle reminder that all the Christmas' spent with Stanton are tucked away inside my heart never to be forgotten.

Love to you all
Tina

I forgot to mention that mother was having our "yearly" Cookies with Santa this morning. This is something we started Stanton's 2nd Christmas where Santa comes and has milk and cookies with the kids. Stanton always loved it because he had all the time he wanted with Santa. I tried to make a point to invite some of Stanton's friends and then the girls invited friends. I am sorry that none of Stanton's friends or relatives could make it.

Saturday, December 17, 2005 9:12 PM CST

One more first down, the hardest yet to come and today was just the tip of the iceberg. We had Christmas at my daddy’s mother’s today. I actually did okay while I was there, but it took all I had to get dressed and go. I still cannot believe I am having to do this all without Stanton!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Hayden is at a Christmas dance and Jeff is in Summerfield so he can hunt tomorrow so I am sitting here watching the Christmas tree listening to my new Casting Crown CD. If you have not ever listened to their music it is AWESOME. Every song on this CD I want to share with you because it is like they are writing the songs about my life.

We went to Jeff’s Christmas party last night. Again, even that was hard. I caught myself almost asking my mom to keep Stanton. How long will it be that fresh? Part of me wants it to be forever and the other wants some of the hurt to go away. Once again, there is someone that is causing me much pain during a time when I need it the least. Please pray with me that this situation will end and as hard it is for me will you please pray for this person that she might find some happiness in her life.

Jeff’s party ended early so we went and walked by the river. It was pretty cold, but beautiful and Jeff and I needed the quiet time together. I know I enjoyed just getting to talk and cry, I guess I never really realized how little we talk about life in general! Thank you Jeff for taking me to the river and then allowing me to be “real” and share my feelings. You truly are my very best friend! I am sorry things are so hard right now. I love you.

The song I want to share with you is “Praise You In The Storm”

I was sure by now
That You would have reached down
And wiped our tears away
Stepped in and saved the day
But once again, I say "Amen"
and it's still raining

As the thunder rolls
I barely hear You whisper through the rain
"I'm with you"
And as Your mercy falls
I raise my hands and praise the God
Who gives and takes away

Chorus:
I'll praise You in this storm
And I will lift my hands
For you are who you are
No matter where I am
Every tear I've cried
You hold in Your hand
You never left my side
And though my heart is torn
I will praise you in this storm

I remember when
I stumbled in the wind
You heard my cry You raised me up again
My strength is almost gone
How can I carry on
If I can't find You

I lift my eyes unto the hills
Where does my help come from?
My help comes from the Lord
The Maker of Heaven and Earth

I heard this song for the first time and tears just started falling. Does anybody else think this sounds familiar? What a storm we have been through. I still keep thinking we will wake up any minute but I know that will not happen. I know things did happen as we would have hoped but Jeff reminded me last night how very sick Stanton really was and how much pain he must have been in. He just never showed it and that as much as I miss him I wouldn’t want him in that much pain again. We have hope in the fact that we will see Stanton again and he will be in no pain. We will continue to praise God in this storm for all that He has done for us but most importantly for sending His son that we might all live with Him again some day.

Praising Him in the Storm
Tina

Friday, December 16, 2005 11:31 AM CST

Yesterday was good. I actually accomplished a little bit at work but it was the evening that made the day. Some friends of mine from high school had decided we needed a girls night. Racquel, Amy, Angela, Christi, and Rachel thank you so much you have no idea how much I needed it. I will admit as usual as the time got closer I had decided I would just put my pajamas on and stay home but worked through that and am so glad I did. We had a great time and it was just some get away from reality time.

Hayden was a sport once again this morning playing Santa for mom’s school. This time he did bring along reinforcements, his elves. Lindsey, Caitlyn, and Christy-thanks for being such good sports and for being such good friend to Hayden. Hayden-you really need to get that Ho Ho Ho down a little better but man you are an amazing kid.

I go back to the doctor this afternoon. Please pray that the wound is healed or healing and everything is going smooth.

Chapter 4: “Love Found A Way to Enable Us”

When the Angel’s told Mary she would be with child Mary knew that this could not be possible. Gabriel replied “Don’t worry God will enable you to do this”.

No woman in history has ever faced the same situation as Mary. Some of might say the same thing about our lives, what we are going through no one else could have or possibly be going through anything like what we are. I still look (and guess I forever will) at my circumstances and sometimes say “Why”, “Why me”, “Why Stanton”, “This is too much for me.” Well, guess what, I know that I won’t have these answers here on this earth but once again thank goodness for a God that won’t say “It is too much for Him”. Instead, His love finds a way to enable us.

Life has a way of exposing our weaknesses. We are weak vessels yet God leads us to difficult tasks so that we may turn to Him. It is the power of god that enables us to do this. To Mary’s question “How can this be?” Gabriel offered a 2 part answer:

1. Depend on the empowering of the Holy spirit. Have you ever found yourself painted into one of those impossible corners in life? The task seems crushing, the obstacles insurmountable and the complexities overwhelming. It seems there is no where to turn. During times like these we are forced to see how powerless we really are and quit trying to help ourselves. We learn to put everything into the hands of God who alone could save us. When our problems are too great we are to cry out to God and lean on the enabling One that dwells within us. One of my favorite verses is when the Lord told Paul “My grace is all you need. My power is strongest when you are weak.” What a powerful statement that is and one that I often look too when I am down. You and I limit God’s work in our lives by not allowing Him to enable us. We keep all of our burdens to ourselves trying to fix things on our own.

2. Witness the work around you: If you feel powerless, if you struggle believing that God could enable you to do something extraordinary –or do an extraordinary work in you-look around and see what He has done for others! (that statement is for you SM) If we declare what God has done in our lives God will use those words for others to experience firsthand the experience of His grace and power, to encourage others who struggle with fear, worry and discouragement.

The practical story the author gives to too long to repeat but it just reinforces that even today God enables us to do things that we never thought were possible. They don’t have to be great big things either. I know for me sometime he enables me just to get out of bed when I would rather lie there and have a pity party.

Opening my heart for enabling
Tina

Thursday, December 15, 2005 11:33 AM CST

Thank you for your entries about the book. I was hoping that you were enjoying it as much as I was. So I will keep it up.

Yesterday was more of the same. One day and even sometimes one minute at a time. I know that I will make it through this but there are days I wonder and wonder how others have done it.

Christmas was the last major holiday we spent with Stanton and it was a very special Christmas although we were away from home. One that will never ever be forgotten. I have forgotten which stories you have heard and which ones you haven’t so I will share one of my favorites. Stanton had gotten very interested in Bible stories so I decided to get him a Hermie Bible so that we could read and he would understand. Well, when he opened he was very verbal in the fact that this was not the kind of Bible he wanted. Well, Christmas morning Santa brought him a Precious Moments Bible which is a real Bible with Precious Moment inserts. When he saw it he said “this is the Bible me wanted”. Well, Stanton knew several stories by heart and I loved to hear him tell them so he got us all lined up sitting on the edge of the bed while he fixed his chair just right. He opened his new Bible and I was waiting on this great story of Jonah, Daniel or Noah I guess by now you have figured out that is not the story we got. He very seriously said “Once upon a time there were 3 little pigs”. Where this came from I have no idea but it is a treasured memory. He left us with so many of these.

Now for the book; still in Chapter 3: The story goes on to remind us that Jesus didn’t stop at Bethlehem. It tells of the many things and hardships that Jesus did during his days here on earth. It tells one of my favorite stories about Jesus walking on water to rescue the disciples and asking Peter to step out of the boat in faith. Many of the things that Jesus did were not easy yet he did them for us. These disciples had to be scared to death and certainly questioning why Jesus sent them out there.

Does this story represent a picture of your life? It does mine. Circumstances have definitely been like I would have had them the last 10 months. Maybe you feel as though you’ve been walking against the wind or rowing until your heart breaks but making no progress at all. God watches it all. He sees everything. He sees our struggles, He sees us strain at the oars. He knows when the wind is against us and on this very day He prays and interceded for us at the right hand of the Father. He doesn’t just watch. He comes to us at the right time. He steps into our circumstances to help us. What I have learned is that His timing is always perfect although I may not agree with it. In His love, He will find a way to help.

As humans we like to think that we have the power to help ourselves whenever. But the truth is that life has a way of placing us in positions where we are powerless (been there) to make any difference. There will be storms that can’t be calmed, walls that can’t be scaled and problems that defy man-made solutions and baffle our best attempts to understand. If you are in this predicament I urge you to look to the one source that can make a difference, God. Look up! The Lord God is walking right into your storm. Don’t let Him walk by, receive Him into your boat and wait for Him to speak to your wind and your waves.

This whole chapter hit right to the core of my being. I know my storms right now seem more than bearable but I do know the one source that can help to calm these storms and I am so thankful and blessed.

Longing for Him to calm my storms
Tina

Wednesday, December 14, 2005 10:02 AM CST

Okay, I am sorry for my pity party yesterday but I can’t promise that it will be the last. To Lori and Sally, thank you for just being there to let me cry.

I have actually been feeling a little better. I think once the medicine lines out and gets things stable I feel much better. Please pray that I will make the right decisions regarding my health conditions.

Yesterday was just another day, I guess you could say one more day down. I know that sounds horrible but you hear it like it is.

On to Chapter 3 of my book although I might have to break it up into 2 journals because it is really good and I don’t want you to miss anything. I guess I could have just suggested that you buy the book but then what would I write about?

“Love Found a Way to Help Us”

The story talks about a family and a father that promised his wife a dishwasher for Christmas so that she would never have to spend hours washing dishes at the sink again. Sometime before Christmas he lost his job and any hope he had of buying a washing machine. Determined to keep his word, on Christmas morning his wife got a note that read “I will wash all of the dishes for a year.” This husband found a way when there seemed to be no way.

God has seen our predicaments. He knows our weaknesses and failings. He has heard our sighs, seen our tears, and weighed burdens in our hearts that no one else sees or knows. I often have to stop and think when I am so down and hurting so bad that God is hurting with me. He doesn’t leave me to hurt by myself. God takes His promises seriously and if He committed Himself to help then help He would and not in any way that any one expected. He did it by giving Himself. He did it by rolling up His sleeves and stepping personally into His own fallen creation. In the face of impossible obstacles, Love found a way.

Christmas speaks strongly of God’s personal gift to us all. The angel told the shepherds “For unto you is born this day in the city of David a Saviour, which is Christ the Lord. Now break this verse up into pieces:

FOR UNTO YOU: This was personal! What He did He did for me. What He gave He gave for me. How He suffered, He suffered for my sake. And the best part of it all is that He held nothing back. He spared nothing so that my life could be spared. Think about how incredible this is. There is no one else in this world that would do this for you.

IS BORN: Christmas isn’t something conjured up by man for the purpose of self congratulation; it celebrated the moment when God stepped out of heaven’s radiance into the cold stream of time and space. You and I couldn’t lift a finger to redeem ourselves so He made that long journey to be our help.

THIS DAY: It’s immediate, because God wants life to happen to you today this moment. There is no need to wait any longer. If you are a sinner and have not made s commitment to God confessing to Him that you are a sinner and that you do need His help, I encourage you today to pray that prayer. Re read what God has done so that all of us could live with Him eternally. I would hate for anyone to miss out on that opportunity. I would love to talk to anyone that has questions or just needs someone to help pray with them. Call me anytime 318 453-7775.

He came to us to help us. He promised to give us guidance, good counsel and daily provision. The help He provides is something no one else can provide.

If you let the Christmas season pass without realizing that He was born for you, lived and walked this earth for you (this is in itself amazes me because I know when I get to heaven I don’t want to come back) died and rose again for you, you’ve missed it. You might as well have slept through the month of December.

Please let me know if you are enjoying the synopsis of this book as much as I am enjoying the book so I will know to keep journaling from it. I just know that it is really helping me put some perspective on a very difficult time.

Touched by an Angel
Tina

Tuesday, December 13, 2005 10:24 AM CST

No really good excuse for a morning update except I just didn’t want to last night. Once again I cannot tell you how very emotional these weeks have been for me. Some people have tried to make things easier and others have just avoided the subject altogether (I wish I could explain to them that this doesn’t make it go away). I will say that if I hear one more time “Stanton wouldn’t want you to be sad” I am going to scream! The sad thing is I know this. I know how much Stanton loved Christmas but that only makes it harder not easier right now. Nothing will fix the fact that I can’t hold him, touch him, take him to do all the fun things kids are doing right now. I don’t want to sound so negative but I really am trying. I guess more than anything what I need right now is someone who will just let me cry, let me feel however I want to and not try to fix it because it cannot be fixed..

I promised a chapter by chapter on the book I am reading “Love Found A Way” so on to Chapter 2. (I also don’t want any of you to discredit anything that I write because of how sad I am, this book does wonders to help me get to sleep at night)

LOVE FOUND A WAY TO SAVE US

This so far has been my favorite story; There was a grandpa who walked into the room where his grandson was in his playpen crying to get out. As he reaches for him the mother comes in the room and says, no you are in trouble and you will not get out of your playpen. So as most of you grandparents would be this grandfather was caught between a rock and a hard place. This is where love steps in and finds a way. Grandpa climbed into the playpen with the little boy and agreed to stay for as long as his “sentence” was.

This in essence is what God did for us. As much as he would love to have reached down and picked us all up he couldn’t. He lived in a place where evil could not and the world is full of evil. So what did he do (John 3:16)? He sent his son in the form of a man to climb into our “playpen” with us. Jesus became one of us. The joy of Christmas is knowing that it is the only way He could bring us home to Himself. The only way was for Him to become a man and save us.

None of us can reach Him. None of us can see Him or be near Him. Not on our own! Wealth or celebrity talent won’t help us. The relationship that existed back in the garden of Eden was broken, the road shattered. The exit ramp to God’s presence was cut off and ended in space. God had to make a way where there was no way. I could never have found a way, you could never have found a way. Because there was no way until God found one. His way began in the depths of the night in a little stable behind a busy hotel. It began with the tiny cry of an infant.

That night the ground was broken. A highway that would be traveled by millions, a highway stretching through time and space into the golden lands of heaven began that night. Mary cradled the Way, the Truth and the Light in her arms.

So at the first Christmas we see the shadow of the cross, the beginning of this journer toward Good Friday and Easter. It’s all one story. The reason Jesus came as a baby was to die as a man on a cross. TO MAKE A WAY WHERE THERE WAS NO WAY.

As I read through this chapter again I can’t help but feel guilty for feeling so sad during a time that should be so happy. I am once again reminded that because of Christmas and it’s true meaning I will one day be reunited with Stanton. Not a perspective I had looked at until reading this.

I have truly enjoyed hearing from all of you and how Stanton touched your life. Please keep the comments coming but in the meantime I want to share a story of a life that Stanton touched so deeply that there is a bond of love that will never be forgotten or broken. As a Christian we all know the difference between right and wrong and what we should and shouldn’t do. As a parent all we can do is teach our children these same values until they are old enough to understand what being a Christian means. I don’t have all of the facts but yesterday Mary Claire made me the proudest Aunt in the world. The brother of a little boy in her class’ brother was killed. This same little boy earlier in the year had hit Mary Claire several times for no apparent reason and she was quite upset. Well, yesterday she took this little boy under her wing and told him that she knew what it felt like to lose a brother. Her Stancie had died and gone to heaven and she knows how sad he is. I think she was good for this little boy. As I thought about it I thought of how many adults would have just forgotten how they had been wronged earlier and stepped up to the plate and done what she did. My guess is not many. Mary Claire-Once again you absolutely amaze me with your love and compassion. I only wish I could find nothing but joy in the memories as you do. You have been through more than any 6 year old should have to yet you handle it with the dignity and respect more worthy than most adults. I love you more than my arms can reach!

Longing for a piece of Mary Claire’s happiness
Tina

Monday, December 12, 2005 10:26 AM CST

I am sure I have really messed up O.H. posting this late. Sorry for the lack of updates over the weekend but I really liked the Brave Soldier story and really spent the weekend having a pity party.

Friday I was sick so nothing for accomplished. I am attributing it all to getting my diabetic medicine leveled out.

Saturday I tried to finish up my Christmas shopping. I was shopping for the little boy from the angel tree and had fun but oh how it made me ache for Stanton. When I got home I pretty much fell apart. I just lay there looking at the Christmas tree feeling so cheated.

Last night was our Christmas Choir presentation at church and it was beautiful. Todd/Alicia and everyone else who worked so very hard you all did a great job.

As each day passes I seem to get more and more down about Christmas without Stanton. How can something that should be so much fun be so sad? Sherri reminded me Saturday of last years breakfast with Santa at the Ronald McDonald House and how Stanton was in rare form. He ran around messing with Santa and his mule (don't ask) having such a good time. I even have several pictures of Hayden in Santan's lap because that is where Stanton wanted him. Although it was not cool Hayden would do anything for Stanton.

As Mimi Sharon would say "Is it odd or is it God?" I would have to go with God on this one but our Sunday School lesson was about the same thing that the book I have been reading. How we tend to put the meaning of Christmas to the backburner in all of our celebrations. Without God sending his son to earth to live as a man just as we live he could have never taken oue sins from us so that we could live eternally. I guess I keep repeating this so often because I am trying so hard in my heart to get over the sadness and move on to the joy that comes with Christmas.

By the way Paul, Happy lat Birthday. I guess you did tell us that in SS but we all assumed you were going off on another story never dreaming it was really your birthday. Thanks for all that you have done and continue to do for us.

Asking you to please keep "Christ" in Christmas
Tina

Thursday, December 8, 2005 3:56 PM CST

SUNDAY MORNING: I got this email this morning and did not know that they were doing this. I will be donating so that Stanton's tree will not be empty.

Be sure to check out Lunch for Life and add a tree for your child if you haven’t already!

Just go to “donate” and add your child’s name if it is not on the drop down list.

Put down your $5 and tell everyone you know to do the same! Let’s raise some money for NB research!

http://www.lunchforlife.org/giving_tree_children.aspx

I am updating a little early because I know I will not have time tonight. Jamie is having some relaxation spa party. I guess we will see just how good this saleswoman is because I don’t think there is enough of any product in this world to relax me.

I have had a rough afternoon. I don’t feel good. I again think it is just my blood sugar being crazy. I had a plug put into my tear ducts this morning trying to help keep my eyes moisturized. I know that sounds crazy seeing as I cry all of the time but if I am not crying my eyes are so dry I can’t even see.

Since I am updating now I will skip the chapter in the book today and share with you what Mrs. Joyce brought me yesterday.

The Brave Little Soul
By John Alessi

Not too long ago in Heaven there was a little soul who took wonder in observing the world. He especially enjoyed the love he saw there and often expressed this joy with God. One day however the little soul was sad, for on this day he saw suffering in the world. He approached God and sadly asked, “Why do bad things happen; why is there suffering in the world?”

God paused for a moment and replied, "Little soul, do not be sad, for the suffering you see, unlocks the love in people’s hearts.” The little soul was confused. “What do you mean,” he asked.” God replied, “Have you not noticed the goodness and love that is the offspring of that suffering? Look at how people come together, drop their differences and show their love and compassion for those who suffer. All their other motivations disappear and they become motivated by love alone.”

The little soul began to understand and listened attentively as God continued, “The suffering soul unlocks the love in people’s hearts much like the sun and the rain unlock the flower within the seed. I created everyone with endless love in their heart, but unfortunately most people keep it locked up and hardly share it with anyone. They are afraid to let their love shine freely, because they are afraid of being hurt. But a suffering soul unlocks that love. I tell you this - it is the greatest miracle of all. Many souls have bravely chosen to go into the world and suffer - to unlock this love – to create this miracle - for the good of all humanity."

Just then the little soul got a wonderful idea and could hardly contain himself. With his wings fluttering, bouncing up and down, the little soul excitedly replied, "I am brave; let me go! I would like to go into the world and suffer so that I can unlock the goodness and love in people’s hearts! I want to create that miracle!"
God smiled and said, "You are a brave soul I know, and thus I will grant your request. But even though you are very brave you will not be able to do this alone. I have known since the beginning of time that you would ask for this and so I have carefully selected many souls to care for you on your journey. Those souls will help you create your miracle; however they will also share in your suffering. Two of these souls are most special and will care for you, help you and suffer along with you, far beyond the others. They have already chosen a name for you.”

God and the brave little soul shared a smile, and then embraced. In parting, God said, “Do not forget little soul that I will be with you always. Although you have agreed to bear the pain, you will do so through my strength. And if the time should come when you feel that you have suffered enough, just say the word, think the thought, and you will be healed.”

Thus at that moment the brave little soul was born into the world, and through his suffering and God’s strength, he unlocked the goodness and love in people’s hearts. For so many people dropped their differences and came together to show their love. Priorities became properly aligned. People gave from their hearts. Those that were always too busy found time. Many began new spiritual journeys – some regained lost faith – many came back to God. Parents hugged their children tighter. Friends and family grew closer. Old friends got together and new friendships were made. Distant family reunited, and every family spent more time together. Everyone prayed. Peace and love reigned. Lives changed forever. It was good. The world was a better place. The miracle had happened. God was pleased.

I hope you all enjoy this as much as I did. I can so see Stanton and so many of these other cancer angels as “Brave Little Souls”. I don’t know rather to say fortunately or unfortunately we have witnessed the power of suffering and the good that it brings first hand. So many people have come together to support us during this difficult time it is absolutely incredible. I couldn’t help but be reminded of the pain and suffering that Stanton went through without a single complaint and how in the end it was just how he wanted it. I think he probably said “Okay God I am ready now”.

I am forever blessed for the love that Stanton unlocked in my life. A love like no other and one that can never be experienced again. I don’t often ask, but I am really in need of some pick me up’s so if you in some way were touched by Stanton and his short life please stop by the guestbook and just let us know.. This guestbook is something that I will keep forever to forever remind me of what an impact such a short life could have.

Thank you all again for your continued support and prayers. I feel them everyday.

Blessed to be the mom of a Brave Little Soul
Tina

Wednesday, December 7, 2005 8:14 PM CST

Okay so I am back on schedule. I must say today has been a pretty good day. I actually felt good all day. Maybe this whole blood sugar thing is kicking in. Work is just work and I am really accomplishing a lot just to be there. It is so very hard to concentrate.

I picked up my angels from the angel tree at the church this morning. We have always gotten the kids to pick a kid their age and pick out things for them trying to help teach them the meaning of giving rather than receiving and to help show them how blessed they are. This is something Hayden has been doing for years and together we really enjoy it. This year will be a little hard but I promise you my 4 year old angel will have a very special Christmas thanks to another very special angel and what he taught me about giving over his 4 years.

We have gotten several very sweet cards in the mail. I can’t tell you how much it means that all of you think of us. I love reading the cards and the words of encouragement you include. Mrs. Joyce has made it her personal mission to get me through the holidays so she brings me a special story almost everyday. One of the ones today was awesome but I had promised to share my book with you but I promise I will share it one day.

On to Chapter 1 “Love Found a Way”. For these words to mean anything we must accept the fact that there was no way. No way for a glorious , holy God to relate to fallen men and women. No way to enjoy God’s companionship and wisdom. No way to tap into his grace and power. No way for sins to be forgiven. No way to escape judgement. No way to achieve heaven.

Christmas reminds us that God has little use for the words “no way”. When there appears to be no way out of trouble and no way into blessing; when we can see no way to win and no way to avoid losing; when circumstances beat down our hopes and drown out our cries with loud mocking shouts of “NO WAY”-just then God steps into the picture, and at the foot of the manger says softly but irresitably, “With man this is impossible but with God al things are possible.” Matthew 19:26

During all the glitzy glamour of the holidays so many things capture our attention. Maybe we should pause and take some time to remember that the Baby of Bethlehem came to us for a reason. He came to die so that we could live our lives with hope. (When I think of this I am so incredibly humbled and brought to my knees in prayer of thanks to God for this precious gift.)

Love found a way to do the undoable and to reach the unreachable. Love found a way when there was no way.

This chapter tells stories of ways that people celebrated their Christmases in ways that glorified God. From trees with different themes to special ornaments made with their children each year the end result was the same, teaching people about what Christmas is about. We are challenged to do this. I encourage you to take the time this year to teach your children about the birth of Jesus, about giving to charities rather than receiving. Take the time to smile at someone who might be having a bad day. Remember love can make a difference. Love can find away.

Please continue to keep our family in your prayers as we continue to struggle with celebrating this season without our precious angel. There are so many times I can feel him and know that he is just letting me know that he is okay.

In Him
Tina

Wednesday, December 7, 2005 7:11 AM CST

Good Morning, yes it is really me at this early hour. I have no big news to report from around here, pretty much most of the same. What I wanted to share was a book that I have been reading at night. I have moaned and groaned about how hard Christmas has and will continue to be and reading this book has really helped me put things back into perspective. Christmas is about so much more than what we celebrate today. The book is called “Love Found a Way” and it has great stories and then he relates them to God and Jesus in a way that is incredible. I have decided to share it with you chapter by chapter because that is the only way I think you can get the full effect.

I will start with the author’s (Ron Mehl) personal note at the beginning of the book. He talks about a Christmas when he was trying to put together a bookshelf and really struggled until his wife asked him if he had read the directions (of course not). He was certainly not in the Christmas spirit but he assured his wife he could put it together. After he read the instructions it was pretty easy.

He then compares his experience with the first Christmas. God said, “I’ll put everything together. It will take some work but I will do it.” Isreal was in the midst of distress and great affliction and her people needed hope and a deliverer. God said “A child will be born, and He will be my gift of hope to you.” God made a commitment that nothing would get in the way of His Christmas plans. Nothing did. Everything went right as scheduled.

“Realizing that God held back nothing, pulled out all of the stops, and used the mighty resources of heaven to give us the greatest gift of all ought to give us fresh reason to celebrate. His-birth-no matter how the world tries to twist or gloss over the truth. When we make the Lord Jesus the focus, our holidays really do become ‘Holy Days’. Sure some will try to make it into a pagan ritual. Maybe they don’t know the score. Maybe you and I could help them discover the true and eternal purpose and meaning of Christmas.”

Love will find a way.

This is just from the personal note at the beginning, can you imagine how incredible the rest of the book is? I go to bed with a whole new thought on Christmas and the special gift that was given to all of us.

I will continue to share one chapter at a time. I may even get another entry in tonight so check back. Thank you all again.

Thanking God that Love Found a Way
Tina

Tuesday, December 6, 2005 10:22 AM CST

I just looked at the website and realized that I did not update last night. I am really starting to feel like maybe I am not the brightest light bulb on the tree. Jeff would argue that I have never been but that is for a whole other entry. Yesterday was just one of those days when things just weren’t right. I guess just having to come back to reality and the real world hit me harder than I expected it too. I never knew that I could miss Memphis so much although I know staying there will not fix the reason I want to be there.

I have always heard about holiday depression and how holidays could be so tough for people but never really understood how that could be possible. I am getting a full dose of how that is possible now. It is not that I am not trying, it is just that knowing I will be having Christmas without Stanton is almost more than I can bear. I am reading a book and I want to share with you some of it but it is at home. It really made me think last night about the meaning of Christmas. I will share with you later.

Yesterday afternoon I had a spell when I just didn’t feel good. I am told it is to be expected with my new medicine but it was horrible. I went home and rested and felt a little better.

Last night Hayden did something not many teenage boys would do and I am so very proud of him. It really makes me feel good when he remembers what the Christmas season is about and how he always goes above and beyond. He dressed up like Santa Claus and went to the 2 local nursing homes for the Young Women’s Service Club. He will say Mrs. Casey owes him big but he had a good time I think. I had a hard time making him put a pillow in the suit trying to get him to understand that he didn’t exactly have the Santa physique without it. I did take pictures and will try to get them posted if he doesn’t kill me for doing it. He is so bad that he was going to tell Mary Claire that he had been talking to her cousin, Hayden and he knew that she had not been a good girl. He so loves to aggravate her. She got him though because his suit wasn’t enough to fool her. He never ceases to amaze me at the young man he has become. He did all of this, studied for 2 tests and typed some Spanish work and never even complained.

If you haven’t read the guestbook in a while there is a very neat entry that you should try to read. It sums up the life of every child I have ever known with cancer in such a neat way. While you are there feel free to sign so I know who all is still coming by.

Zohn-thank you so much for the donation to St. Jude for Stanton, Emma Grace and Zoie. That was so sweet. They were such a trio.

Mrs. Joyce shared with me a letter from heaven yesterday and I was going to put it in todays journal but the tears are coming to easily today.

Please continue to pray for our family and extended family as we make the most of this holiday season remembering that God gave us such an incredible gift during this time. The gift of His son who would later take on all of our sins on the cross so that we could have eternal life. I certainly look at this gift in a whole new light now. His gift to all of us enables me to know that I will see Stanton again one day.

Heart Broken but Refusing to be Defeated
Tina

Sunday, December 4, 2005 7:11 PM CST

Well, we made it home from Memphis safe and sound. I have to say it is a trip that was well worth it and one that I will never forget.

We got to Memphis about 2:00 and headed straight for Nurse Sarah's house. When we got to the Mississippi bridge I was not sure that I had made the right choice but once I saw Sarah I knew I was right where I needed to be. From there we went to the hospital and what I thought would be so hard was really not that bad. It felt like I was home. As I walked through the door all I could think was oh how I wish this was still me life. We got to see many friends, staff and most importantly Dr. Furman and Mrs. Sandy. We had not gotten the chance to say good-bye to Sandy so you can imagine this was probably the most emotional for me. Sandy-It was great to see you, I truly miss you so very much! I am so glad that I got the chance to see you and have some closure in being able to at least hug you good-bye. Dr. Furman was another that I couldn't wait to see. I must say that in his usual fashion he was worried about me and if I was ready to see him again. Once again, it was home, he was such a part of our life for so long it just felt right. Dr. Furman-thank you for taking the time to see me. You will forever hold a special place in our hearts and I will as I promised continue to so all that I can to help you find the "cure"!

Friday evening we met up with the crew at The Butcher Shop and had a wonderful meal, but you couldn't beat the fellowship. We were all able to just be family again and have a good time. I would be lying if I couldn't help but think Stanton should be there but I hung tough.

We spent the night with Sarah and Mr. David. We had gotten a chance to see her mom and sister earlier in the evening. Once again, people that I love dearly that I never got a chance to say goodbye to. Sarah and David-thank you so much for opening your home to us, it truly felt like home. We love you so very much and I am so glad that God put you in the right place almost 3 years ago. Words just really don't do justice to what we think of both of you.

Saturday we all got up to go cheer the runners of the marathons on. It was a very humbling experience to see the number of people who came out to run for the kids of St. Jude. For any of you who may be reading this, thank you from the very bottom of my heart. The money you raised will truly make a difference. Being the planner that she is Mo had us a game plan all mapped out. we cheered at the 2 mile mark, the 12 mile mark and the 22 mile mark. At one point we were interviewed by the news and yes, once again I was on the 9:00 news. Big congratulations to Don (who finished the 5K walk) in fine fashion I heard and to Todd DuBose and Kurt Walker who finished the half marathon (13 miles) and were still able to have lunch with us.

Saturday evening we went to spend with another friend in Memphis, I don't know if I can say who so I won't but it was a great evening. Once again, we felt like we were at home. There was one point when we all were laughing harder than we had in a long time. You know who-thank you for just being the very special person that you are. You have forevered changed my life for the better.

This morning we met to have breakfast with David and Sarah (we just couldn't say goodbye yesterday). I did okay telling them bye only to have to regroup in the car. When we were leaving Memphis and driving by St. Jude I coudln't help but feel like I was leaving Stanton all over again. Everyone said I could stay, but staying would not solve the problem as to why I wanted to be there. St. Jude and the RMH will always be considered home for us. So many memories were made and so much of Stanton's life was spent there. As we were leaving Memphis "I Can Only Imagine" came on the radio and if you looked at the sky it was very cloudy but there would be one ray of sunshine coming through the clouds. I couldn't help but think Stanton was saying "mom, I'm okay". I just wish I could have found a little peace in that.

With each passing day I seem to miss him more and more and literally can not imagine the rest of this month without him. Please continue to pray for peace of mind for all of us.

Knowing where my REAL HOME is
Tina

For all of you who made this weekend so special, thank you from the very bottom of my heart. I love you all.

Thursday, December 1, 2005 7:58 PM CST

Okay,so I started withdrawals before I left so you get one more journal before I go. There are several reasons for this journal. One for a special prayer request, two to let everyone know where they might catch us in Memphis this weekend and three to share a very special gift with you.

The special prayer request is for me. I got the results of my blood work that I had done on Monday. It appears that I have the signs of diabetes, hence why I am having trouble healing. This was pretty disheartening to me, I guess just fuel to the fire maybe. I will be on a diabetic medicine for 2 weeks and then we will regroup and determine a more definate game plan. Please just pray this is a temporary thing because my eating habits have not been the best or somedays not eating at all.

The second thing is that Hayden and I should be in Memphis sometime early tomorrow afternoon. We will go to St. Jude to see Dr. Furman and Nurse Sandy and anyone else that we might run into. I am not sure that I will be mentally able to go to the second floor so you will probably find me downstairs. We will meet up with Trish somewhere for supper and anyone else who would like to join us. Just call me so we will know how many 318-453-7775. On Saturday we will all be at the start of the marathon (The Pyriamid) and watch the 5K runner finish at Auto Zone Park. I would love to get a chance to see as many of my Memphis friends as possible so please come out and support these runners.

Third, I received a very special gift today that I want to share with you. I know I am not the only person in the world that has lost a child (I was reminded by someone of this this week) but I do know that the holidays are proving to be very difficult and it means so much to see that other people realize how difficult it is. Tina and Shannon-thank you so much for the ornament. It was perfectly timed. It is so nice that you would not only know how difficult his must be but that you would send this ornament. It is called "Merry Christmas From Heaven"

I still hear the songs
I still see the lights
I still feel your love
on cold wintery nights

I still share your hopes
and all of your cares
I'll even remind you
to please say your prayers

I just want to tell you
you still make me proud
You stand head and shoulders
above all the crowd

Keep trying each moment
to stay in His grace
I came here before you
to help set your place

You don't have to be
perfect all of the time
He forgives you the slip
If you continue the climb

To my family and friends
please be thankful today
I'm still close beside you
in a new special way

I love you all dearly
Now don't shed a tear
Cause I'm spending my
Christmas with Jesus this year

As I type this and read it I still can't believe that I am reading this about my 3 year old baby. He was an absolutely amazing kid who I know is having an incredible Christmas this year.

Once again, I can't thank all of you who continue to support us during this difficult time. I really do long for the day when it is not quite so difficult.

Looking forward to an amazing weekend
Tina

Thursday, December 1, 2005 9:45 AM CST

Okay, I think this will be short and sweet. I have a lot to do and a little time to do it.

I am counting down the hours until I get to Memphis. I am actually a lot more excited than I thought I would be but I can't wait to see the doctors, nurses and not to mention friends we made while we were there. I am sure I will not update so don't be alarmed if you don't hear from me until Sunday evening. Just please pray for safe travels for me and Hayden. There is something very comforting in having Hayden go with me rather than just me by myself.

Last night I went to see Disney on Ice with Mary Claire and Elynn Kate. I know you probably wonder why I put myself through some of this but this was one of the things we did on our last trip home from Memphis with Stanton and he loved it and so did I. I will admit that last night I sat down with the daddy's of the group (Scotty and Dean)and have to say that they are probably the only reason I did not have a complete meltdown but they kept me laughing so hard I couldn't think about being sad. I don't think I will ever see some of the Disney characters in the same way again and Dean kept spoiling it for everybody trying to guess what was going to happen next. Even Scotty got in on the action which I was not sure he would do since he wouldn't let me whoo whoo at the beginning. By the end of the evening it had become a Disney Trivia game of guess the name of the character. So all in all it was a good evening. The kids did come sit with me some and they really enjoyed it. Mrs. Lawanda you did great with the tickets, our seats were GREAT! Dean/Casey/Carson-thanks once again for just being you. I am so glad that you are considered part of our family. You both know that Carson will FOREVER hold a very special place in my heart. Dean-thanks for making last night so much fun, I was really expecting to have a hard time. Jamie/Scotty and girls-I love you all so much. Thank you for always asking me to be included knowing it may be hard. I would be crushed to be left out. I don't think I can even type the words to tell you what I feel for Mary Claire and Elynn Kate but you know. Thank you for sharing them with me in a way like no other and letting me spoil them just a little bit. You'll never know how much I love spending time with them.

I guess I need to get to work. Hope you all have a wonderful weekend!

In Him
Tina

Wednesday, November 30, 2005 9:38 AM CST

I know I am off schedule again (I’m sorry favorite father-in-law) but I didn’t get in until late last night and needed the rest.

Yesterday was just another average day with only a few tears shed. I guess it will be that way for the next month or so. You all know how much I don’t like the first of the month and guess what it is time for another one and yes, this will be a BIG first.

You all know that I enjoy journaling for me more than anything but I also love to get your responses. I got a call from a very dear friend yesterday who read between the lines and knew exactly how I was feeling. It really is amazing how people can do that but she was right on target. There is something going on in my life that is very unsettling but I will keep those details to myself to keep anyone from getting hurt more than they already have.

Hayden will be going to the doctor this afternoon, the gland that was swollen a couple of months ago is swollen again and causing him a great deal of pain. I hope this specialist can figure out what is going on. Hayden has had trouble sleeping the last 2 nights is hurt so bad.

I am on countdown for our trip to Memphis. I am not naïve enough to think it will be easy but I look forward to spending time with friends from there I haven’t seen in a while not to mention cheering for Don as he crosses the finish line (upright or crawling I am there for you Don).

One of our faithful prayer warriors sent me an email yesterday and I know when she sends an email that it is God sent because it is always an answer to something that has been bothering me so of course I will share:

VERSE:
For it has been granted to you on behalf of Christ not only to
believe on him, but also to suffer for him ..
-- Philippians 1:29

THOUGHT:
Suffer! How is suffering a privilege? It's not unless it is for
Jesus.
Remember how the early apostles were joyful because they were counted
worthy
to suffer for the name? (cf. Acts 5:41) You see, he suffered for us so
we
could be saved. When we face suffering for the cause of Christ and his
Kingdom, we help inspire others to live faithfully in adversity and
show to
all the genuineness of our faith. So few have anything worthy of their
living, dying, or suffering. We have reason for all three: our lives
will be
caught up in Jesus' victory! (cf. Rom. 8:32-39; 1 Cor. 15)

PRAYER:
Make me courageous, O God! Help me to be faithful in times of
trouble and
strong in times of persecution, hardship, and suffering. In Jesus' name
I
pray. Amen.

Dealing with my share of Suffering hopefully still glorifying His kingdom
Tina

Monday, November 28, 2005 7:30 PM CST

I am trying to get back in the habit of journaling in the evening but I am not making any promises.

Today was just one of those days. I got up made it to work and all it took was one look from Joyce and there came the tears. She truly understands the heartache I am going through and is such a great support system especially when I am down.

I had an encounter with someone before lunch that really was a HUGE weight off of my shoulder yet disappointing to say the least. I'd rather not go into details.

I had an eye doctor appointment and a wound care check this afternoon. I got some new contacts and the wound care is about the same. They did some blood work and will refer me to another specialist since it is getting no better.

Jeff is on the phone with Don (Jake's dad) and he gently reminded me that I didn't mention that I got to see him this weekend. He was at a craft show selling the Voodoo Bayou sauce for the company that he works for. Yes, for all of you who are wondering he was working. I just know I rounded the corner to see him and Todd and was so excited. Sometimes you really just need a St. Jude family fix. Don will be running/walking in the St. Jude 5K run this Saturday along with many other friends of ours. Hayden and I will be going to Memphis to cheer these friends on. It will be my first trip back to Memphis so I will need all the prayers I can get. Other than seeing all of my St. Jude family, Trish will be in Memphis as well. TNT time here we come!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I couldn't help but want to share my Grace for the Moment from this morning: "Nothing Less Than Jesus"

God rewards those who seek him. Not those who seek doctrine or religion or systems or creeds. Many settle for these lesser passions, but the reward goes to those who settle for nothing less than Jesus himself. And what is that reward? What is that awaits those who seek Jesus? Nothing short of the heart of Jesus.

Can you think of a greater gift than to be like Jesus? Christ felt no guilt; God wants to banish yours. Jesus had no bad habits; God wants to remove yours. Jesus had no fear of death; God wants you to be fearless. Jesus had kindness for the diseased and mercy for the rebellious and courage for the challenges. God wants you to have the same...

He wants you to be just like Jesus.

Imagine that, being just like Jesus. I can't even begin to imagine.

Striving to be like Jesus
Tina

Sunday, November 27, 2005 6:31 PM CST

I am sorry it has taken me a couple of days to update. I really can't put into words how very hard my days have been. I did my usual after Thanksgiving day shopping but once again I felt like I was going through the motions. It seems like my life has stopped while everyone else's is still going. Little things trigger my episodes, for example putting up Jeff's grandmothers Christmas tree. Someone said "All the grandchildren are here to help". I just wanted to scream no they are not. One is not here nor is he ever going to be. I am determined to get through this and make the best of it even if it is just through the motions. I can say that I will not be caught forgetting the reason for the season.

Our Sunday School lesson was pretty good this morning. Our teacher is an attorney so he has a way of presenting the lesson that really makes you think before you speak. I am pretty sure God had today's lesson in mind for me because it was one of those that was very difficult to get through. Faith, what is it? Stepping out of the darkness into the light knowing that there will be someone there to catch you are you will be taught how to fly? We talked about faith and the importance of thanking and praising God. Is it easier to be thankful when things are going smooth and your life is "together"? I would have to say yes, but these last years have taught me that there is always something to be thankful for and the least I can do is share that thanks with God. Faith, is it easier to be faithful when things are going smooth? This is pretty tricky because I think when things are going smooth people tend to put God and His credit on the back burner unlike when your world is ripped apart and it feels like all you have is God. We also talked about if God tests some more than others. Are there some either layed back Christians or even non Christians that seem to have it all while the so called "strict Christians" are being tested to the max. I will say there are many things that have happened since Stanton's death that have made me ask this question. If I have learned nothing else, it is that your life is what you make it and the choices that you make about being happy. Take your trial and the way you handle it will tell the world a lot about you.

2 dear St. Jude friends joined Stanton this week. Zach and Pamela. How my heart aches for these families knowing what they are going through.

Jake is in the hospital so be sure and stop by and check on him.

I will try to keep updating daily but don't get worried if I miss a day, things are just going to be hectic this week.

Stumbling through with Him holding me up
Tina

Thursday, November 24, 2005 7:11 PM CST

Happy Thanksgiving to all! I wish I could say mine was happy but that would be far from the truth. Had Mary Claire not been here I probably would have slept all day.

I went through the motions anyway. I know that is ridiculous because I do have do much to be thankful for,most importantly the 4 years I was blessed to have Stanton not to mention all of my other blessings that would be too lengthy to mention.

Last year on Thanksgiving Stanton had just gotten discharged from CHOP and for supper we had Domino's pepperoni pizza of course.

We did manage to continue our tradition and get our Christmas tree up today with much help from Jamie. She knew how hard thiswould be so she did what she had too (speaking of blessings). We also put up Stanton's tree at the angel garden. Mary Claire had picked out all of the decorations and it turned out so cute.

One last thing to mention that I am thankful for. I am thankful that God felt I was worthy enough to send His only son that I might have eternal life and so that I am assured that I will see Stanton again some day.

Counting my Blessings
Tina

Wednesday, November 23, 2005 10:34 AM CST

Since yesterday entry was so long I will try to make this one short and sweet.

This is typically my very favorite time of the year. You can imagine I am not feeling the same this year. As the week progresses so does my downhill mood. I am going to need all of the prayers thay you guys can offer to get me through the next month. I was talking to someone yesterday about what we were doing thist time last year and it is amazing how it seems like just yesterday but also like lifetimes ago. I go through each day feeling like I am watching my life through someone elses eyes and ohhow I pity that poor person I am watching.

Hayden must have had a quick bug because he felt much better yesterday. I have enjoyed our one on one time in the evenings together this week. I really don't think I could explain how much I love him and how blessed I am to have such an amazing son.

Jeff will be coming home tonight which may be intresting because he was supposed to be gone all week so Mary Claire is spending the night and will not sleep with Jeff. Elynn Kate says she is staying too but that will probably change. We are going to make brownies, watch The Polar Express and do our toes of course.

I may not update tomorrow I will have to play it by ear so if not I hope all of you have a very Happy Thanksgiving and this year do more than go through the motions. Think about all that you truly have to be thankful for. I know that if I can do that so can all of you.

Thinking there is just one set of footprints
Tina

I just teased you when I said this would be short but I just got this email and had to share it with you through the tears.

Thanksgiving Story

Sandra felt as low as the heels of her shoes as she pushed against a November gust and the florist shop door. Her life had been easy, like a spring breeze. Then in the fourth month of her second pregnancy, a minor automobile accident stole her ease.

During this Thanksgiving week she would have delivered a son. She grieved over her loss. As if that weren't enough, her husband's company threatened a transfer. Then her sister, whose annual holiday visit she coveted, called saying she could not come.

What's worse, Sandra's friend infuriated her by suggesting her grief was a God-given path to maturity that would allow her to empathize with others who suffer.

"She has no idea what I'm feeling," thought Sandra with a shudder.

"Thanksgiving? Thankful for what?" she wondered aloud.

For a careless driver whose truck was hardly scratched when he rear-ended her? For an airbag that saved her life but took that of her child?

"Good afternoon, can I help you?" The shop clerk's approach startled her.

"I... I need an arrangement, "stammered Sandra. "For Thanksgiving?"

"Do you want beautiful but ordinary, or would you like to challenge the day with a customer favorite I call the Thanksgiving Special?" asked the shop clerk.

"I'm convinced that flowers tell stories," she continued.

"Are you looking for something that conveys 'gratitude' this Thanksgiving?"

"Not exactly!" Sandra blurted out. "In the last five months, everything that could go wrong has gone wrong. " Sandra regretted her outburst, and was surprised when the shop clerk said, "I have the perfect arrangement for you."

Then the door's small bell rang, and the shop clerk said, "Hi Barbara...let me get your order." She politely excused herself and walked toward a small workroom, then quickly reappeared, carrying an arrangement of greenery, bows, and long-stemmed thorny roses. Except the ends of the rose stems were neatly snipped...there were no flowers.

"Want this in a box?" asked the clerk.

Sandra watched for the customer's response. Was this a joke? Who would want rose stems with no flowers!?! She waited for laughter, but neither woman laughed.

"Yes, please," Barbara replied with an appreciative smile.

"You'd think after three years of getting the special, I wouldn't be so moved by its significance, but I can feel it right here, all over again," she said as she gently tapped her chest.

"Uhh," stammered Sandra, "that lady just left with, uhh... she just left with no flowers!"

"Right... I cut off the flowers. That's the Special... I call it the Thanksgiving Thorns Bouquet."

"Oh, come on, you can't tell me someone is willing to pay for that?" exclaimed Sandra.

"Barbara came into the shop three years ago feeling very much like you feel today," explained the clerk.

"She thought she had very little to be thankful for. She had lost her father to cancer, the family business was failing, her son was into drugs, and she was facing major surgery."

"That same year I had lost my husband, "continued the clerk," and for the first time in my life, I had to spend the holidays alone. I had no children, no husband, no family nearby, and too great a debt to allow any travel.""So what did you do?" asked Sandra.

"I learned to be thankful for thorns," answered the clerk quietly.

"I've always thanked God for good things in life and never thought to ask Him why those good things happened to me, but when bad stuff hit, did I ever ask! It took time for me to learn that dark times are important. I always enjoyed the 'flowers' of life, but it took thorns to show me the beauty of God's comfort. You know, the Bible says that God comforts us when we're afflicted, and from His consolation we learn to comfort others."

Sandra sucked in her breath as she thought about the very thing her friend had tried to tell her. "I guess the truth is I don't want comfort. I've lost a baby and I'm angry with God." Just then someone else walked in the shop.

"Hey, Phil!" shouted the clerk to the balding, rotund man.

"My wife sent me in to get our usual Thanksgiving arrangement... twelve thorny, long-stemmed stems!" laughed Phil as the clerk handed him a tissue-wrapped arrangement from the refrigerator.

"Those are for your wife?" asked Sandra incredulously.

"Do you mind me asking why she wants something that looks like that?"

"No...I'm glad you asked," Phil replied. "Four years ago my wife and I nearly divorced. After forty years, we were in a real mess, but with the Lord's grace and guidance, we slogged through problem after problem.

He rescued our marriage. Jenny here (the clerk) told me she kept a vase of rose stems to remind her of what she learned from "thorny" times, and that was good enough for me. I took home some of those stems.

My wife and I decided to label each one for a specific "problem" and give thanks to Him for what that problem taught us."

As Phil paid the clerk, he said to Sandra, "I highly recommend the Special!"
"I don't know if I can be thankful for the thorns in my life." Sandra said to the clerk. "It's all too... fresh."

"Well," the clerk replied carefully, "my experience has shown me that thorns make roses more precious. We treasure God's providential care more during trouble than at any other time. Remember, it was a crown of thorns that Jesus wore so we might know His love. Don't resent the thorns."

Tears rolled down Sandra's cheeks. For the first time since the accident, she loosened her grip on resentment. "I'll take those twelve long-stemmed thorns, please," she managed to choke out.

"I hoped you would," said the clerk gently. "I'll have them ready in a minute."

"Thank you. What do I owe you?" asked Sandra.

"Nothing." said the clerk. "Nothing but a promise to allow God to heal your heart.
The first year's arrangement is always on me." The clerk smiled and handed a card to Sandra. "I'll attach this card to your arrangement, but maybe you'd like to read it first."

It read:

"Dear God, I have never thanked you for my thorns. I have thanked you a
thousand times for my roses, but never once for my thorns. Teach me the
glory of the cross I bear; teach me the value of my thorns. Show me that
I have climbed closer to you along the path of pain. Show me that,
through my tears, the colors of your rainbow look much more brilliant."

Thankful for the Thorns
Tina

Tuesday, November 22, 2005 10:09 AM CST

Okay, I typed an entry yesterday and even have proof because I printed it out for Sug (O.H. usually does this so I am taking up his slack) but when I looked at the web page this morning it was not there so I tried to decide if I should retype it or just go on with today’s. I decided to go on and share for both days so this might be long.

November 21,

First of all I want to thank you all so much for your prayers for Hayden. Part of me is so glad to see the grieving come out. I knew it needed to but my heart just breaks that he has had to endure so much. I think I have mentioned before that he has had a rougher time than any of us. I just can’t even begin to imagine dealing with what he has had to deal with at his age with so much already going through his mind. Please just continue to keep him in your prayers. He will have a lot of alone time the first part of this week.

My trip to Dallas was fun (although I probably over did it a little) and I got a lot of my Christmas shopping done. I am going to have to quit going to the toy aisles because I can’t help but feel like I should be buying something. The only real meltdown I had was looking at a Christmas sweater that would have been Stanton’s size and I wanted to buy it for him so bad.

Mom started getting some of her Christmas out yesterday and I realized just how hard this is going to be. Stanton loved to be in the middle of decorating. Once again, I will just take it one day and one step at a time.

Stanton’s love of Christmas will go on. Jamie and Mary Claire picked him out a tree with some ornaments and I will be bringing battery powered lights and after eat Thursday we will head to the angel garden to get him fixed up. Mary Claire was sure to get him a baby Jesus which I know Stanton would have wanted.

One of my favorite memories from Christmas last year: Mom stayed with us for a couple of weeks while Jeff worked. One day mom decided that we could make Christmas cookies (really meaning the slice and bake kind). Stanton of course had other ideas, he wanted to make gingerbread men. Well, you would think that would be an easy request at this time of the year, wrong! We looked everywhere for a gingerbread man cookie cutter and paid dearly for it, but when he saw it he said “yeah granma that’s what me wanted”. Looking back there is no way to even begin to put a price tag on that cookie cutter. We got back to the RMH where he and mom made cookies with icing and sprinkles and the works. He didn’t stop there, he delivered cookies to the staff of the RMH. He picked each one out special. I have some great pictures from that day, one that will never be forgotten. I think I will have to make gingerbread man cookies this year.

Jamie had to go to the ER this weekend with a stomach bug. She seems to be recovering nicely. Mary Claire got her 2nd set of tubes this morning and she called and is doing okay as well.

Mr. Eddie, O.H.’s friend, that I mentioned passed away Friday so please pray for his family and those that will be traveling for his services.

Jeff is off this week doing his annual duck hunting adventure which he hasn’t gotten to do in a couple of years. I know he has a couple of overnight stays planned so pray for his safety.

I will close with an email that I got:
Sometimes we just need to know that everything has a purpose.

Malachi 3:3 says:

"He will sit as a refiner and purifier of silver."

This verse puzzled some women in a Bible study and they wondered what this statement meant about the character and nature of God.
One of the women offered to find out the process of refining silver and get back to the group at the next Bible Study.

That week, the woman called a silversmith and made an appointment to watch him at work. She didn't mention anything about the reason for her interest beyond her curiosity about the process of refining silver.
As she watched the silversmith, he held a piece of silver over the fire and let it heat up. He explained that in refining silver, one needed to hold the silver in the middle of the fire where the flames were hottest as to burn away all the impurities.

The woman thought about God holding us in such a hot spot then she thought again about the verse that says: "He sits as a refiner and purifier of silver."
She asked the silversmith if it was true that he had to sit there in front of the fire the whole time the silver was being refined. The man answered that yes, he not only had to sit there holding the silver, but he had to keep his eyes on the silver the entire time it was in the fire. If the silver was left a moment too long in the flames, it would be destroyed.

The woman was silent for a moment. Then she asked the silversmith, "How do you know when the silver is fully refined?" He smiled at her and answered, "Oh, that's easy -- when I see my image in it."

If today you are feeling the heat of the fire, remember that God has His eye on you and will keep watching you until He sees His image in you.

This sure touched deep in my heart. I certainly feel like I have been held over the fire for a couple of years now. I know I would not have made the first day without God right there by my side much less the last 2 years. I strive each day that He will see His image in me and that others may also.

Longing to be like Him
Tina

Okay, now that you have yesterdays I will start with todays. Yesterday was just your average day at work but I decided after work I was going to go get my Christmas ornaments that I get every year. I have almost finished my shopping. I think that in my head if I just get everything done I can relax and focus on me. I got the ornaments, went to my car and had complete meltdown. How in the world am I supposed to do this without Stanton?

Just before I started writing this I read in the guestbook an entry from a very dear friend/long lost sister, Liz. Memories from our last years Thanksgiving. We were in Philly having MIBG treatment. Something that seems like so long ago yet I remember like it was yesterday. I think of all Stanton went through yet he never complained. The week started with Emma Grace trying to explain to him what a catheter is but when she tried to tell him where they were going to put it she ran into problems. I remember going through security at the airport and they would not let us carry Stanton he had to walk through on his own. You all remember what it was like trying to get Stanton to do anything he didn’t want to so needless to say we backed security up a little bit and if I remember correctly he got his way. I remember feeling like country come to town when we got to Philly. Stanton picked up at the hospital like he had been there a million times before. If we could have all adapted so easily. One thing Stanton loved was hailing a cab. The only problem was he always wanted a blue taxi cab. God really answered several prayers during that trip in that only blue taxi cabs stopped when Stanton was with us. We share great memories with Liz and her family. What an incredible family they are to adopt complete strangers and treat us like family. I remember crying as they left us at the airport like they were my family. The topper for the week, Stanton was discharge on Thanksgiving day and guess what we had for supper? Domino’s pizza of course! I am more than blessed to have the memories.

Last night Hayden apparently contracted the bug from Jamie so he was a sick puppy. I haven’t woken him up today to see how he feels.

This morning when I opened my Grace for the Moment book my stomach turned because it was a devotional that I remember so clearly from last year entitled “What if God says No”

John 6:35

Whoever comes to me will never be hungry and whoever believes in me will never be thirsty.

“There are times when the one thing you want is the one thing you never get…….

You pray and wait
No answer
You pray and wait

May I ask a very important question? What if God says no?

What if the request is delayed or even denied? When God says no to you how will you respond? If God says, ‘I’ve given you my grace, and isn’t that enough,’ will you be content?

Content. That is the word. A state of heart in which you would be at peace if God gave you nothing more than he already has.”

I remember reading this and wondering how in the world would I respond if God said no. Would I be content? I ended that journal with the words “How would I respond?” I guess you could say I am finding out. What a hard question to answer and what a way to prompt some very deep soul searching on my part. If I was honest I guess I would not be responding as God would want me to with this question. I don’t feel content. Knowing this is where God wants me gives me something to strive for. One more way I need to try to be in His image.

Think about it today, What if God says no?
Tina

Friday, November 18, 2005 9:40 AM CST

This is going to be a fun yet serious update will follow at the end. We had a great evening of food and fellowship with Todd and Alicia last night. We had been trying to get together some time to play Rook but those 2 are very busy people. I finally got on Todd’s calendar and only got rescheduled once. The food was great but I must say the Rook games were much more fun. I have to set the stage though and go on and try to give Todd an out. First of all he walks in to his daughters cheering “LSU” which of course was prompted by me. If it makes you feel any better they were not easily one over and it was more like a trick. For those of you who aren’t familiar with the DuBose family they are BIG Bama fans. Once he got past that he had to sit across from the Rook table with his partner wearing an LSU shirt. So, I know he will have an excuse so I thought I would go on and offer one up for him. I was warned that Alicia was not great at Rook and even began to get a little concerned when she asked if we had to keep score but I guess you can figure out what I am leading up to. Not only did Alicia and I win the first game (we won it bad) but we came from behind and won the second game as well. Todd was a much better sport than Jeff, he really is a sore loser. Overall it was a very much needed time with friends. Thanks guys for being there for us always, I have a feeling this is not the end of Rook for us.

Now to the part that is not so fun. I need some very special prayers today. So many of you have asked how Hayden is doing and I really haven’t had much of an answer. Well, last night I got my answer and he will be so mad that I even mentioned it. It really started out as an innocent conversation but some very deep feelings came from it. For Hayden’s sake I won’t get into details but please pray for peace for him. I would say understanding but I don’t think that is possible. He is an amazing young man who has made the best of a terrible situation but is hurting much more than any of you probably knew.

I will not be updating tomorrow as I will be heading to Dallas this afternoon on a shopping excursion.

Praying for Strength for my Baby
Tina

Thursday, November 17, 2005 11:23 AM CST

Still just messing with O.H. I guess! Just kidding O. H. you know I love you dearly. I am feeling a little better today. Still anxiously awaiting the cultures that they took of the open sore and hoping for the best.

Last night was just a lazy night for all of us. Hayden and I studied, not sure why he didn’t do much better last time when I helped him. I know the first 9 weeks I was really on him because his grades were not where they needed to be but after studying for 2 tests I can see why. It is ridiculous the amount of material covered between tests. I am past looking at the grade but looking at what he is actually learning to take him to the next level. I will get off of this soap box before it gets ugly!

I am so excited that they are starting the preparations for this year’s Minden St. Jude Auction. I am determined that it will be the biggest auction yet. It is again, one more thing I can do for Stanton. The shirts are great. They have a website and when it is updated I will post it so anyone can participate. I would love to hear them calling out out of town Stanton supporters.

As the holidays get closer and closer I find myself getting back to that place that I was a few weeks ago, a place that I really do not want to be. The commercials are eating my lunch. The kids getting all excited is almost more than I can take and some of the news around here has been horrific (shaken baby). There are times when I can’t help but question why Stanton? I know that the day I can actually get this answer from the make himself I won’t care and I even know that getting the answer now won’t change a thing but it is so very frustrating. Then you hear of other parents going through the same thing and you can’t help but have your heart broken all over again. I was sitting here trying really hard not wallow in my pity and got the neatest email from a Stanton follower. Again I wish I could tell you how much it means to hear from all of you who still read the website. It makes me never doubt writing. This email talks about the “whys” and brings back a point that I have also said before, “why not”. Why should I not be put under such a trial. If Jesus himself could go through crucifixion to save me what makes me any better than him. The answer to than question would be nothing. There is no good reason as to why Stanton got cancer and no good reason as to why we shouldn’t have been the one to lose a son. The one thing I can control and be certain of is that I hope more than anything my faith in God and God alone shines through in everything that I do and say, in the good and in the bad. I serve a gracious, loving God who never intentionally hurts me but may allow me to be hurt to grow closer to Him. It is in these times when He reaches down, picks me up and holds me upright when I can’t even begin to stand on my on. I can promise you that as I muddle through the holiday season you can bet that God will be standing right beside me the whole time because I know I can’t do this on my own.

“The World Must Be Shown

When Jesus was speaking with His disciples before His crucifixion; He gave them His parting gift: peace such as the world can never give. But He went on immediately to say, "Set your troubled hearts at rest and banish your fears.... I shall not talk much longer with you, for the Prince of this world approaches. He has no rights over me, but the world must be shown that I love the Father and do exactly as he commands" (John 14:27, 30-31, NEB).

A young mother called to ask for "something that will help me to trust in the Lord." She explained that she had several small children, she herself was thirty years old, and she had cancer. Chemotherapy had done its hideous work of making her totally bald. The prognosis was not good. Could I say to her, "Set your troubled heart at rest? God is going to heal you"? Certainly not. Jesus did not tell His disciples that He would not be killed. How do I know whether God would heal this young woman? I could, however, remind her that He would not for a moment let go of her that His love enfolded her and her precious children every minute of every day and every night, and that underneath are the Everlasting Arms.

But is that enough? The terrible things in the world seem to make a mockery of the love of God, and the question always arises: Why?!

There are important clues in the words of Jesus. The disciples' worst fears were about to be realized, yet He commanded (yes, commanded) them to be at peace. All would be well; all manner of things would be well--in the end. In a short time, however, the Prince of this world, Satan himself, was to be permitted to have his way. Not that Satan had any rights over Jesus. Far from it. Nor has he "rights" over any of God's children, including that dear mother. But Satan is permitted to approach. He challenges God, we know from the Book of Job, as to the validity of His children's faith.

God allows him to make a test case from time to time. It had to be proved to Satan, in Job's case, that there is such a thing as obedient faith which does not depend on receiving only benefits. Jesus had to show the world that He loved the Father and would, no matter what happened, do exactly what He said. The servant is not greater than his Lord. When we cry "Why, Lord?" we should ask instead, "Why not, Lord? Shall I not follow my Master in suffering as in everything else?"

Does our faith depend on having every prayer answered as we think it should be answered, or does it rest rather on the character of a sovereign Lord? We can't really tell, can we, until we're in real trouble.

I never heard more from the young woman. I neglected to ask her address. But I prayed for her, asking God to enable her to show the world what genuine faith is--the kind of faith that overcomes the world because it trusts and obeys, no matter what the circumstances. The world does not want to be told. The world must be shown. Isn't that part of the answer to the great question of why Christians suffer?"”

I want to share some stories with you and I will just do one at a time. I know you have read about me talking about the one star in the sky. I have been informed that this may not be a star but a planet that is closer to earth than usual which would definitely be Stanton’s style, but there is comfort in looking up when things are rough and seeing one and only one bright and shining star. You can almost feel Stanton looking at you saying “Look I am okay and I am watching over you”. The other night as Jamie and Elynn Kate (2) were walking to mom’s house Elynn Kate looked up and said “Look mommy it’s Stancie’s star” Jamie agreed. It was an unusual statement for her because we have never really talked about Stanton and the stars with her but what she says next will bring you to tears. She looked at Jamie and said “I want him to come down and hold me again”. Needless to say Jamie had to regroup just as I did as I read it. What you don’t know is the last thing that Stanton did with Elynn Kate was call her over to him and held her. He then kissed her and told her he loved her and that was their last conversation. Kids are absolutely amazing in their true honesty and unconditional love. I hate more than anything that my precious nieces have had to learn about death and grieving at such a short age but you know what? It is all part of God’s plan and I am sure that He has great things in store for them just like He did Stanton.

I have rambled enough but I want to mention 2 families that got devastating news this week, Zachary www.caringbridge.org/pa/ilovezachary and Ashley www.caringbridge.org/la/princessashley I know their parents would love to hear from as many people as possible. You can’t fix their pain but you can let them know that there are prayers being said around the world for their peace and their baby’s comfort.

I also would like for you to continue remembering O.H.’s friend Eddie in Texas. He is not doing very well. Pray for him and his family and the strength that they need.

I love you all
Tina

Wednesday, November 16, 2005 10:29 AM CST

Okay, I am quite sure I am in trouble now that I have done another late morning update. Please forgive me O.H. I promise to be better.

Yesterday was a very sdventerous day for me. I had been so sick the night before but I came to work anyway. Probably not a good idea although I did okay until late afternoon. I wasn't sure I was going to make it home but I did and just fell out on the bed and slept most of the evening on into the night. They changed my antibiotics so I do feel a little better today.

The rest of this journal may seem a bit like rambling but I want to share a song and a story with you. The song is "skin" by Rascal Flatts and if you didn't know it you would think this would have happened to them because the words or so life like. The song tellls the story of a teenage girl who has just been told she has cancer and that they think with the new treatment she will be cured. The chorus says that she dreams of dancing around and around with soft wind blowing her hair. The song continues on to the morning when she woke up and found her hair on her pillow, a fact now that she couldn't deny. She tells her mom that no boy will want to take a girl with no hair to the prom. The last verse talks about the boy showing up to pick her up from proam and when he takes his hat off and this morning where his hair had been now she touches just skin.

You can imagine that I fell in love with this song from the very beginning and how it ends is so moving. I will tell you that not many people these days would have done this, in fact not many people these days can keep from staring.

You know starting treatment that your hair is going to fall out. For me, it seemed a small price to pay if it would make Stanton better. Well, one weekend while Jamie (big and pregnant) came up to visit, Stanton was laying in her lap (she had a black shirt on) (do you think this is a moment I will ever forget), when he got up she said "Tina, look". On her shirt was blond hair everywhere. Even knowing what was going to happen I was caught off guard. She took the kids and went to play while I had my meltdown to be comforted by one of the nursing assistants. When they came back Stanton realized that his hair was falling out and it was driving him crazy. He also realized that if he pulled more would come out so I said what the heck! We gave he and Mary Claire a zip lock back and let them have at it. They sat in his bed pulling every strand of hair out and putting it in the bag. If someone would ask, where is your hair Stanton would so intelligently respond "It's in the bag". This happened in January 2003 and I remember it like it was yesterday.

Now to another point I want to get to. In Memphis we could go anywhere and Stanton was treated like royalty. No one stared at him, no one pointed and said anything. There were so many bald children it was the norm. Unfortunately every where else, this is not the case. I can remember coming home and people staring. I wanted to say something on more than one occasion. For me I would rather someone ask me what is wrong than to stare and speculate. So, not just for cancer patients, for anyone who looks different take the time to look them in the eye and smile. They are no different than you and I. Teach your children the same thing. I can promise you that there is nothing like a feeling of isolation. The younger kids were great. They truly see the inside of a person and not their outward appearance. I think that is called loving unconditionally.

I have another couple of Mary Claire and Elynn Kate storied but I will share those tomorrow.

In His Arms
Tina

Tuesday, November 15, 2005 10:31 AM CST

Okay, I know I get some people all excited when I switch the times of my updates (O.H.) but some days this is just how things are.

I had a doctors appointment yesterday afternoon which just told me what I already knew. The incision that was not healed is still not healed and possibly infected with a resistant strain of bacteria which will make it much more difficult to treat. This same infection may be what is causing the pain on the right side. The anitbiotics he gave me made me very sick last night so I am waiting on a phone call now to see the next plan of action. I know I have had enough!

We went to watch Coltan play ball last night and he did pretty good especially considering he is the smallest one on the team. He did have a fan club though.

Hayden is doing great! He is still so excited about his truck and being able to drive. He is driving me crazy not giving me any Christmas ideas.

I want to ask for special prayers for another St. Jude Neuroblastoma warrior who was told yesterday that he had about 2 weeks to live. He is a little older than Stanton and I am sure will have many questions. As I read their journal entry last night all I could do was cry because the memories are still oh so vivid. Stop by and let them know you care www.caringbridge.org/pa/ilovezachary.

I will end with an email that I got that I loved. Just a quick reminder that everyoe can make a difference in someone's life. The thing I love is the suspense, you may never know on this earth whose life you touched.

"Who you are makes a difference"
A teacher in New York decided to honor each her seniors in High
School by telling them the difference each of them had made. She called each student to the front of the class, one at a time. First, she told each of them how they had made a difference to her, and the class. Then she presented each of them with a blue ribbon, imprinted with gold letters, which read, "Who I Am Makes a Difference."

Afterwards, the teacher decided to do a class project, to see what kind of impact recognition would have on a Community. She gave each of the students three more blue ribbons, and instructed them to go out and spread this acknowledgment ceremony. Then they were to follow up on the results, see who honored whom, and report to the class in about a week.

One of the boys in the class went to a junior executive in a nearby Company, and honored him for helping him with his career planning..
He gave him a blue ribbon, and put it on his shirt. Then he gave him
two extra ribbons and said, "We're doing a class project on recognition, and we'd like for you to go out, find somebody to honor, give them a
blue ribbon, then give them the extra blue ribbon so they can
acknowledge a third person, to keep this acknowledgment ceremony going. Then please report back to me and tell me what happened."

Later that day, the junior executive went in to see his boss, who had been noted, by the way, as being kind of a grouchy fellow. He sat his boss down, and he told him that he deeply admired him for being a
creative genius. The boss seemed very surprised. The junior executive
asked him if he would accept the gift of the blue ribbon, and would he
give him permission to put it on him. His surprised boss said, "Well, sure." The junior executive took the blue ribbon and placed it right
on his boss's jacket, above his heart. As he gave him the last extra
ribbon, he said, "Would you take this extra ribbon, and pass it on by
honoring somebody else. The young boy who first gave me the ribbons is doing a project in school, and we want to keep this recognition ceremony going and find out how it affects people."

That night, the boss came home to his 14-year-old son, and sat him down. He said, "The most incredible thing happened to me today... I was in my office, and one of the junior executives came in and told me he admired me, and gave me a blue ribbon for being a creative genius.
Imagine! He thinks I am a creative genius! Then he put a blue ribbon that says, "Who I Am Makes a Difference", on my jacket above my heart. He
gave me an extra ribbon and asked me to find somebody else to honor. As I was driving home tonight, I started thinking about whom I would honor with this ribbon, and I thought about you. I want to honor you. My days are hectic and when I come home, I do not pay a lot of attention to you. Sometimes I scream at you for not getting good enough grades in school, and for your bedroom being a mess. Somehow, tonight, I just wanted to sit here and, well, just let you know that you do make a difference to me. Besides your mother, you are the most important person in my life. You're a great kid, and I love you!"

The startled boy started to sob and sob, and he could not stop
crying. His whole body shook. He looked up at his father and said through his tears, "Dad, earlier tonight I sat in my room and wrote a letter to you and Mom, explaining why I had taken my life, and I asked you to forgive me. I was going to commit suicide tonight after you were
asleep. I just did not think that you cared at all. The letter is upstairs. I
don't think I need it after all." His father walked upstairs and found
a heartfelt letter full of anguish and pain.

The boss went back to work a changed man. He was no longer a
grouch, but made sure to let all of his employees know that they made a difference. The junior executive helped several other young people with career planning, and never forgot to let them know that they made a difference in his life...one being the boss' son. In addition, the young
boy and his classmates learned a valuable lesson, "Who you are DOES
make a difference".

Sunday, November 13, 2005 7:45 PM CST

Nine months ago today, on a very early Sunday morning Stanton took his last breath. Looking back I regret ever going to sleep but I know Stanton would have had it no other way. He had a way of always doing things his way. Looking back I look back at how fortunate we were that it was a very peaceful experience. We had incredible nurses, Stanton was not in much pain, and we were surrounded by friends and family.

I had done okay until after lunch and I just can’t help but think that I am the only one that remembered what today was. I came home, fell apart, then did pretty much nothing the rest of the day. Trish, Sherri-Thank you so much for the calls. You never miss the anniversary and never fail to call and check on me.

If you haven’t heard the song that is posted in the guestbook I highly recommend you listen to it. It is by Kenny Chesney and it could have been written for me and so many others who have buried their children so young. Not a day goes by that I don’t see a kid about Stanton’s age and wonder what he would be like right now. How tall would he be? Would he still like spiderman and cowboys?

Even watching TV is hard these days. Every other commercial is about Christmas. I know this is going to be a very hard day but I also know I have got to keep it together for Hayden. Stanton loved Christmas, the trees and lights. I know he would want us to have a good Christmas knowing he will be celebrating the best Christmas ever. I can just imagine Stanton and Emma Grace singing Happy Birthday to Jesus. How Awesome!

I promised you a quote from “Chicken Soup for the Nascar Soul” many months ago and tonight is the night. The book is written by many people including several race car drivers. I bet you can guess which one is one of my favorites and who’s I will share with you. Michael Waltrip’s of course. His chapter was entitles “Life’s Lesson’s” He lists valuable lessons that he had been taught through the years. I will list some of them and then give you my version of my life’s lessons. 1. In whatever you do, you need to have your own personal support system. This is one that I fully agree with him on. I could have never made it through the last few years without the support I have gotten from Jeff, Hayden, and the rest of mine and Jeff’s family. When all else fails usually you can count on your family. I am blessed that mine is one of those. 2. Dream with your eyes open. You can do anything you want to if you set your mind to it and usually the obstacles you face of those of your own making. 3. Learn to use Life words. These are words that build up, accentuate and encourage the positive. Use these words when you talk to others but when you talk to yourself as well. 4. Rely on Faith- Of course this is my favorite one of his lessons and would be number one on my list. The pressure that can be lifted off of you when you leave your life in God’s hands is incredible. Michael talks about people getting too caught up in life on this earth. I agree with him in that I know where I want my next destination to be. These are just a few of his lessons, now you will get my version.

1. Live each day as if it was your last: Not one of us is guaranteed a tomorrow. All we have is the moment that we are in. Don’t put off things you would regret if you never got a chance to do them. I think this was the biggest lesson that Stanton taught me. He never held back.
2. Tragedy can strike anyone: Nobody is exempt from tragedy. God has a plan for each of us and there is nothing we can do to guarantee a life without trials.
3. There is power in prayer: No matter what you have to say to God, He is there to listen. He can even hear you when you can’t come up with the words to say. Just take the time to spend time with him.
4. In a true tragedy you find out who your real friends are.
5. If you love someone, tell them and tell them often.
6. Life is a journey with lots of bumps in the road and I need God to cross the bumps.
7. One that my mom tried to teach me for a long time. Life is not fair.

I could go on and on but I think you all understand.

I have a special prayer request tonight. Jeff’s dad has a very good friend, Eddie that was in a car accident this morning and not doing very well. Please pray for him and his family and friends.

Once again thank you for your love and support during the most difficult time in my entire life.

Still learning many lessons
Tina

Saturday, November 12, 2005 7:08 PM CST

This will be another short and sweet update and I promise a better one tomorrow.

The game last night was a very good game which had 3 overtimes but we ended up losing. I have to hand it to the players though, they gave it all they had and made all of use watching them so proud.

Once again as the game got close I looked up into the sky and there was one bright shining star. This will make the 3rd game that I know of that there has been one star with no others in the sky. I like to think it is Stanton keeping up with his Uncle Dakota and Bubba.

The coaches made the trip a pretty special one by taking them to a couple of colleges one being LSU and taking tours of the football facilities. Hayden said the only thing that could have been better was the win.

It was a LONG drive and we got in about 2:30 this morning so you can imagine I slept most of the day. I think I was the only one that slept any on the way home but there was no way I would have made it trying to stay awake.

Thank you for your continued prayers and words of encouragement.

In Him
Tina

Friday, November 11, 2005 9:05 AM CST

Okay, I am confused or plain crazy, I will let you form your own opinion. I pulled up Stanton's site this morning and was disappointed not to see an update. I know you all are thinking the same thing but I THOUGHT I typed an update yesterday the only problem is I don't know where it is. So sorry for the lack of update but I thought I tried.

This update is to say that there will be no update. We will be heading down to south Louisiana for the first round playoff game in a little while. It will be a LONG turn around trip.

I did get a neat surprise yesterday. I got a Hampton hug. Barney was going through town and stopped and had supper with us. I was sure to tell him that as much as I loved hugging his neck it in no way took away my Trish withdrawals.

Pray for safe traveling for everybody from Minden that will be heading in the same direction we are.

Wrapped in His Arms
Tina

Wednesday, November 9, 2005 4:47 PM CST

I know everyone is wondering where the update is. Well, I walked into work this morning only to find out that we had a surprise survey so let’s just say I have been very busy and pretty stressed. Until then the week had been going pretty smoothly.

I must say that I have felt better emotionally the last week than I have felt in a while. All I had to do was tell God I needed and wanted His help and He has shown me in so many ways that He is right here beside me. I just love when He answers my prayers in black and white.

I have so much on my heart that I want to share I don’t even know where to begin. I am reading a couple of different books and doing a couple of different studies each about something different.

I do want to thank Mrs. Diane for calling me last night. I have to admit that there are times when I feel so lonely and that there is no one who understands. I do know that there is no way you could possibly understand until you have lost a child so the phone call last night had such a special meaning. The loss of a child is not a bond that you want to share but any help getting through the next months from someone who does understand means the world. Thank you Mrs. Diane doe not only thinking of me but calling and sharing things I can expect. I respect you so much for all you have gone through and your words of encouragement mean so much.

I read in today’s paper that Minden’s St. Jude Auction will be in Memory of Stanton this year. What an honor for us and another special way to remember an incredible little boy. For those of you who don’t’ know, Minden raises more per capita than any other city in the United Stated for St. Jude. This is usually a fun filled weekend that we all look forward to. We also have some very special memories of Stanton’s last auction. The auction has set records the last 2 years and I would love for this year to be no different. Here is the article:

Kristi Richie
Press-Herald Staff

Tickets are on sale for the grand prize of the 2006 Minden St. Jude Auction.

Auction officials decided to changes things up this year and stray from the usual prize of the past few years, a Lincoln Navigator, to a 2006 GMC Yukon Denali from Harper Motors.

“The ticket sales for the Navigator did really well, but we decided it was time for a change,” Auction Co-Chair Laura Hollingsworth said. “We used to alternate between the dealerships, so we’re going back to passing it around.”

Tickets are $100 each, and a limited number of 2,000 tickets will be sold. Tickets may be reserved through the 24-hour event information line with a major credit card by calling 1-800-724-2423 or at any local Porter’s Cleaners or at Harper Motors.

The drawing will be held the final day of the auction, which is scheduled for Thursday, February 2 through Saturday, Feb. 4, 2006.

The Yukon Denali comes with the Vortec 6.0L V-8 with 335 horsepower at 5,200 RPM and 375 pounds of torque at 4,000 RPM. The Denali is all-wheel drive with an electronically controlled four-speed automatic transmission with overdrive and towing mode.

Hollingsworth said the theme for this year’s auction will be “Racin’ for a Cure” with full racing motif and will honor Stanton Haynes, who lost his battle with cancer shortly after the 2005 auction.

Haynes passed away one day shy of his fourth birthday of neuroblastoma, a disease he fought since he was a young toddler. He was first diagnosed in January 2003 as Stage IV. He had been through six rounds of chemotherapy, surgery, a stem cell transplant, radiation and nine rounds of accutane until finally classified as “no evidence of disease” until April 15, 2004.

The disease returned and Stanton and his family continued to battle until late January when they received news that the cancer had spread throughout his entire body.

Stanton spent his last days being made as comfortable as possible by the staff of St. Jude’s. He also got a special phone call from NASCAR driver Michael Waltrip, who he bonded with during a trip to North Carolina.

He and his brother, Hayden, had also won a contest to design Waltrip’s number 15 Domino’s Pizza race car.

Stanton’s mother Tina said upon their return from St. Jude, “St. Jude up, until the end and then some, was absolutely fabulous. All I can say is thank you, and we’ve been humbled by what Minden has done for us personally as well as for St. Jude.”

Since 1977, the St. Jude auction has raised more than $3 million for the children’s research hospital. Founded by Danny Thomas in 1962, St. Jude has treated more than 1,000 young cancer patients from Louisiana at no cost to their families.

Now on to my devotion. This morning the devotion I read talked about how YOU choose who you want to be. You can choose to be mad, depressed, angry, etc. and that is the picture that you will paint to others around you. Unfortunately this is how I feel I have portrayed myself over the last few weeks. I was unhappy and miserable and I wanted everyone to know about it. It is kind of hard for God to help you out of this hole unless you ask for His help. On the other hand you can make a conscious effort to be happy, smile and pleasant to others. You would be surprised how quickly this can rub off (the other can too you just don’t want it to). This is something I am working hard on, making a conscious effort to be the kind of person that I would want to be around. I was afraid that by being happy it would seem like I loved Stanton less and I realize now that is not the case. There is nothing in the world that could make me love him any less nor is there anything in the world that can fill the hole he left in my heart. I have just got to learn to move on the best way that I know how and hope that he is looking down proud to call me his mommy.

I want to close with an email about moms that I got that hits the nail on the head and I thought all of you moms out there might enjoy it:

One Flaw In Women
By the time the Lord made woman,
He was into his sixth day of working overtime.
An angel appeared and said,
"Why are you spending so much time on this one?"
And the Lord answered, "Have you seen my spec sheet on her?
She has to be completely washable, but not plastic,
have over 200 movable parts, all replaceable
and able to run on diet coke and leftovers,
have a lap that can hold four children at one time,
have a kiss that can cure anything from a scraped knee to a broken heart
-and she will do everything with only two hands."

The angel was astounded at the requirements.
"Only two hands!? No way!
And that's just on the standard model?
That's too much work for one day.
Wait until tomorrow to finish."

But I won't," the Lord protested.
"I am so close to finishing this creation that is so close to my own heart.
She already heals herself when she is sick
AND can work 18 hour days."

The angel moved closer and touched the woman
"But you have made her so soft, Lord."

"She is soft," the Lord agreed,
"but I have also made her tough.
You have no idea what she can endure or accomplish."

"Will she be able to think?", asked the angel.

The Lord replied,
"Not only will she be able to think,
she will be able to reason and negotiate."

The angel then noticed something,
and reaching out, touched the woman's cheek.
"Oops, it looks like you have a leak in this model.
I told you that you were trying to put too much into this one."

"That's not a leak,"
the Lord corrected,
"that's a tear!"
"What's the tear for?" the angel asked.

The Lord said, "The tear is her way of expressing her joy,
her sorrow, her pain, her disappointment, her love,
her loneliness, her grief and her pride."
The angel was impressed.
"You are a genius, Lord.
You thought of everything!
Woman is truly amazing."

And she is!
Women have strengths that amaze men.
They bear hardships and they carry burdens,
but they hold happiness,
love and joy.
They smile when they want to scream.
They sing when they want to cry.
They cry when they are happy
and laugh when they are nervous.
They fight for what they believe in.
They stand up to injustice.
They don't take "no" for an answer
when they believe there is a better solution.
They go without so their family can have.
They go to the doctor with a frightened friend.
They love unconditionally.
They cry when their children excel
and cheer when their friends get awards.
They are happy when they hear about
a birth or a wedding.
Their hearts break when a friend dies.
They grieve at the loss of a family member,
yet they are strong when they think there is no strength left.
They know that a hug and a kiss
can heal a broken heart.
Women come in all shapes, sizes and colours.
They'll drive, fly, walk, run or e-mail you
to show how much they care about you.
The heart of a woman is what makes the world keep turning.
They bring joy, hope and love
They have compassion and ideals.
They give moral support to their family and friends.
Women have vital things to say and everything to give.

HOWEVER, IF THERE IS ONE FLAW IN WOMEN,
IT IS THAT THEY FORGET THEIR WORTH.
I know by the numbers that there are still a few people reading these journal entries. Don’t forget to sign in every now and then to let me know who you are. Thank you for continuing to support and uplift us on our continuing journey.

Working Hard to be the kind of person I want to be around
Tina

Tuesday, November 8, 2005 10:00 AM CST

Good morning! Sorry for the lack of a nightly update but I played Bunko last night and when I got home I was exhausted. Overall the day was the same old same old. Work is still going good. I am able to focus a little more each day.

Jeff and Hayden are still doing okay as well. They both stay pretty busy and with Hayden driving and hunting season open that is not hard for either of them. Jeff LOVES to duck hunt and as you all know his last 2 seasons have been cut short so I think he plans on making up for it this year. Hayden is still learning the concept of making as few trips as possible to accomplish a task to save gas. They are practicing hard this week getting ready for a long trip for their first playoff game. They have been playing pretty good football so I would love to see them win. I think Dakota is feeling a little better. Maybe he will be ready for Friday.

This is Health Information Management Week so I have done something each day for my employees to remind them how very special they are to me. So for any of you who read this just know that I appreciate all that you do to make the department run as smoothly as possible. You guys make me look good.

Since I didn’t update this weekend I didn’t get to mention a very special birthday. My favorite father-in-law had a birthday Saturday. I won’t say his age but he is not old enough for Medicare I don’t think. I was actually the first to sing to him at 12:13 Saturday morning on the way home from the game. O.H.-I don’t think I have to go into how important you are to me and my family again. Sometimes I get so caught up in my own grief that I forget that you guys hurt as much because you loved Stanton so very much. He may have been the cowboy you have waited on. Happy Birthday and I love you!

Special prayer request for Emilie DuBose whom I have mentioned before. She has an MRI at St. Jude today. www.caringbridge.org/la/emilie

I will end with an email that is just a friendly reminder that it is the small things in life that can make a big difference:

The Pickle Jar

The pickle jar, as far back as I can remember, sat on the floor beside the dresser in my parents' bedroom. When he got ready for bed, Dad would empty his pockets and toss his coins into the jar.

As a small boy I was always fascinated at the sounds the coins made as they were dropped into the jar. They landed with a merry jingle when
the jar was almost empty. Then the tones gradually muted to a dull thud as the jar was filled.

I used to squat on the floor in front of the jar and admire the copper and silver circles that glinted like a pirate's treasure when the sun poured through the bedroom window. When the jar was filled, Dad would sit at the kitchen table and roll the coins before taking them to the bank.

Taking the coins to the bank was always a big production. Stacked neatly in a small cardboard box, the coins were placed between Dad and me on the seat of his old truck.

Each and every time, as we drove to the bank, Dad would look at me hopefully. "Those coins are going to keep you out of the textile mill, son. You're going to do better than me. This old mill town's not going to hold you back."

Also, each and every time, as he slid the box of rolled coins across the counter at the bank toward the cashier, he would grin proudly.

"These are for my son's college fund. He'll never work at the mill all his life like me."

We would always celebrate each deposit by stopping for an ice cream cone.
I always got chocolate. Dad always got vanilla. When the clerk at the ice cream parlor handed Dad his change, he would show me the few coins nestled in his palm. "When we get home, we'll start filling the jar again."

He always let me drop the first coins into the empty jar. As they rattled around with a brief, happy jingle, we grinned at each other. "You'll
get to college on pennies, nickels, dimes and quarters," he said. "But you'll get there. I'll see to that."

The years passed, and I finished college and took a job in another town. Once, while visiting my parents, I used the phone in their bedroom, and noticed that the pickle jar was gone. It had served its purpose and had been removed. A lump rose in my throat as I stared at the spot beside the dresser where the jar had always stood. My dad was a man of few words, and
never lectured me on the values of determination, perseverance, and faith.

The pickle jar had taught me all these virtues far more eloquently than the most flowery of words could have done.

When I married, I told my wife
Susan about the significant part the lowly pickle jar had played in my life as a boy. In my mind, it defined, more than anything else, how much
my dad had loved me.

No matter how rough things got at home, Dad continued to doggedly drop his coins into the jar. Even the summer when Dad got laid off from the mill, and Mama had to serve dried beans several times a week, not a single dime was taken from the jar. To the contrary, as Dad looked across the table at me, pouring catsup over my beans to make them more palatable, he became more determined than ever to make a way out for me. "When you finish college, Son," he told me, his eyes glistening, "You'll never have to eat beans again -- unless you want to."

The first Christmas after our daughter Jessica was born, we spent the holiday with my parents. After dinner, Mom and Dad sat next to each other on the sofa, taking turns cuddling their first grandchild. Jessica began to whimper softly, and Susan took her from Dad's arms. "She probably needs to be changed," she said, carrying the baby into my parents' bedroom to diaper her. When Susan came back into the living room, there was a strange mist in her eyes.

She handed Jessica back to Dad before taking my hand and leading me into the room. "Look," she said softly, her eyes directing me to a spot on the floor beside the dresser. To my amazement, there, as if it had never been removed, stood the old pickle jar, the bottom already covered with coins. I walked over to the pickle jar, dug down into my pocket, and pulled out a fistful of coins. With a gamut of emotions choking me, I dropped the coins into the jar. I looked up and saw that Dad, carrying Jessica, had slipped quietly into the room. Our eyes locked, and I knew he was feeling the same emotions I felt. Neither one of us could speak.

This truly touched my heart. I know it has yours as well.

Sometimes we are so busy adding up our troubles that we forget to count our blessings. Never underestimate the power of your actions. With one small gesture you can change a person's life, for better or for worse.
God puts us all in each other's lives to impact one another in some way.
Look for God in others.

The best and most beautiful things cannot be seen or touched -they must be felt with the heart ~ Helen Keller

Happy moments, praise God.
Difficult moments, seek God.
Quiet moments, worship God.
Painful moments, trust God.
Every moment, thank God.

Reevaluating my Actions
Tina

Sunday, November 6, 2005 5:48 PM CST

Good Sunday Evening! I hope everyone has had a good weekend. Pretty routine around here. The game Friday night was okay, we won 44-10. Dakota and Derrick both had a great game. Dakota gave us a little scare when he got hurt and didn't get up immediately. It ended up being a bad sprain but I told him next time if it was only his leg he was to wave or something so I wouldn't panic. He didn't think that was a good idea. We did make the playoffs and Friday will head down south.

I spent the majority of the afternoon resting. It appears I was a little tired.

Our Sunday School lesson was perfect for the week I have had. It was on the book of Job which I am very familiar with. The things we talked about reminded of several conversations I had with other moms while at St. Jude. I was on more than one occasion asked how I could continue to pray and talk to God when He had given my child cancer. The first time kind of caught me off guard because I had never thought of it like that. I knew that God must have allowed Stanton's cancer because EVERYTHING passes through Him but I did not think He gave him cancer. I remember explaining to one mom that although things had been difficult there had been many blessings, including our friendship which I valued greatly. The more we talked she finally agreed. I remember wondering if I had responded to her question right but later realized I answered it honestly. The answer today would be the same as it was then. I will not say that praising God during the hard times it easy but I will continue to thank Him for my many blessings.

Ours will be a busy week. I hope all of you have a great week.

Blessed beyond measure
Tina

Sunday, November 6, 2005 5:48 PM CST

Friday, November 4, 2005 10:01 AM CST

Have I reminded you lately that God is good!!!!!!! I can’t thank all of you enough for your words of comfort and encouragement yesterday. I even got a special phone call last night from another father who lost a son which really meant a lot to me. I know how hard it can be and sometimes calling someone is the hardest. Overall the day went better. I wouldn’t classify it as good yet but better. This morning of course started out with a meltdown but guess what? God had that covered as well. Another special friend called just in time to save a complete meltdown and reminded me that it was okay. I wish I could begin to name the incredible friends I have made during this journey some of which have changed my life forever. I then got to work and had an email that I wish I knew how to attach but it is one of those that you click on and it goes to a slide show. It was beautiful and was about how God has been there for me from day one and how he will be waiting for me when it is time for me to leave my earthly home. It mentions the trials and how he has been there every step of the way. Absolutely Beautiful. Let me see if this works http://www.passionup.com/fun/fun4528.htm?e=louiseungro@hotmail.com&f=froggiemad1@cox.net&h=bb08c6204ace9eec&a+++mp;mp=1&;confirm=1
Okay it looks a little strange but maybe you can cut and paste it into your browser.

We will be leaving for Tioga tonight for our last regular season home game. I almost hate it is over because I enjoyed going to watch them so.

I hope everyone has a great weekend.

So Thankful He knows
Tina

Thursday, November 3, 2005 10:16 AM CST

Again I debated on updating but I had something on my heart I really wanted to share. As you all know this journal is for me, about me and straight from my heart so if you are into judging people and enjoy it read on, if you aren’t into judging people and just want to hear the confessions of a grieving mothers heart then also read on.

I know most of you have been reading my journal long enough to know that over the last couple of weeks I have not been myself. I hate to admit that it has really been longer than that I was just able to cover up some feelings better then.

For the first months after Stanton’s death I seemed invinsible. Although the pain was horrendous I could function without many people having any idea all that I had been through. People told me time would heal and I thought that I was doing great because with time I would get better. What they failed to tell me is that you have to hit bottom or pretty close for time to heal and at the least you have to be honest with yourself and God.

I have been spiraling downhill emotionally for many weeks now. This has been very hard for me to accept although in my heart I knew. I knew I wasn’t happy and I knew I was hurting more than I have ever hurt in my entire life. I continued to turn to God and even struggled with if He could hear me.

After a couple of conversations yesterday I know that God hears me (I really have known this all along). I was gently reminded of Stanton and what he would want. I was afraid not to hurt or to be happy for fear that Stanton’s legacy would be forgotten. Again, I know this is not true in all of the hearts and minds that he touched. So, with all of this said last night I had a LONG conversation with God. I told him that I didn’t want to bear this burden anymore, I wanted him to have all of the hurt and despair. I wanted his help in keeping Satan and his thoughts out of my head so that my head and heart could get on the right page. Boy, what a weight lifted.

I know that this is not a one time request so I will continue to take my request to the throne on a daily basis and I ask that you all do the same for me.

I went by the angel garden this morning, had a long talk with Stanton and God. While I was standing there a beautiful bird came and sat on the big cross that sits behind Stanton and stayed there the whole time I was there just looking at me. Probably wondering who in the world I was talking to.

I want to share an email that I may have shared before but it once again was so appropriate. We first got it when Stanton was first diagnosed and I would say that God didn’t throw a brick he threw a boulder. This still rings true today but I know with lots of prayer and God’s almighty hands He can move this boulder for me.

A young and successful executive was traveling down a neighborhood street, going a bit too fast in his new Jaguar. He was watching for kids darting out from between parked cars and slowed down
when he thought he saw something. As his car passed, no children appeared. Instead, a brick smashed into the Jag's side door! He slammed on the brakes and backed the Jag back to the spot where the brick had been thrown The angry driver
then jumped out of the car, grabbed the nearest kid and pushed him up against
a parked car shouting, "What was that all about and who are you? Just what the heck are you doing? That's a new car and that brick you threw is going to cost a lot of money. Why did you do it?" The young boy was apologetic. "Please, mister...please, I'm sorry but I didn't know what else to do," He pleaded. "I threw the brick because no one else would stop..." With tears dripping down his face and off his chin, the youth pointed to a spot just around a parked car. "It's my brother, "he said "He rolled off the curb and fell out of his wheelchair and I can't lift him up."
Now sobbing, the boy asked the stunned executive, "Would you please help me get him back into his wheelchair? He's hurt and he's too heavy for me."
Moved beyond words, the driver tried to swallow the rapidly swelling lump in his throat. He hurriedly lifted the handicapped boy back into the wheelchair, then took out a linen handkerchief and dabbed at the fresh scrapes and cuts. A quick look told him everything was going to be okay. "Thank you and may God bless you," the grateful child told the stranger. Too shook up for words, the man simply watched the boy! push his wheelchair-bound brother down the sidewalk toward their home.
It was a long, slow walk back to the Jaguar. The damage was very noticeable, but the driver never bothered to repair the dented side door. He kept the dent there to remind him of this message: "Don't go through life so fast that someone has to throw a brick at you to get your attention!" God whispers in our souls and speaks to our hearts. Sometimes when we don't have time to listen, He has to throw a brick at us. It's our choice to listen or not.
Looking at a Boulder but hopefully not for long
Tina

Wednesday, November 2, 2005 9:38 AM CST

I had really debated on rather to update today or not. I really don’t feel like I have much to say or share. I just miss Stanton more and more with each passing day. I am glad to have the first of the month over with in literal terms, I am still working on reports for work.

I also am struggling with my quiet time lately. Nothing I pick up seems to fit anything that is going on with me right now. I think of you all too but again, nothing. I know that God will place the right book in my path for complete guidance I just need to stay patient and keep on with quiet time even if that is all that it is. I know that even when I have no words to say that God hears everything in my heart.

One reason I decided to journal was because of Trish’s entry and the memories that it brought back. So many people think of St. Jude as a sad place. I am blessed to know that this is not the case and blessed to have so many special memories there. One of which being last Halloween. I was determined that Emma Grace and Stanton were going to match no matter what and he was convinced he was going to be an LSU football player. Now being from Arkansas Barney wasn’t real fond of his daughter dressing up like an LSU cheerleader but I took it upon myself to ignore his request. After much searching found the perfect cheerleader suit with matching turtleneck and oh were they adorable. We got to the hospital and Jake’s family was dressed like wild LSU fans so they followed us around. It was WILD! They were the cutest and we have great pictures of them, I just needed sound because most of the time Emma Grace was teaching Stanton how to call the Hogs. Memories like these are priceless.

I continue to thank all of you who check on us daily and especially those who sign with words of encouragement. You will never know how much they touch my heart at times.

Remembering
Tina

Rules from God

1. Wake Up !!
Decide to have a good day.
"Today is the day the Lord hath made;
let us rejoice and be glad in it."
Psalms 118:24

2. Dress Up !!
The best way to dress up is to put on a smile.
A smile is an inexpensive way to improve your looks.
"The Lord does not look at the things man looks at.
Man looks at outward appearance;
but the Lord looks at the heart."
I Samuel 16:7
3. Shut Up!!
Say nice things and learn to listen.
God gave us two ears and one mouth, so He must have meant
for us to do twice as much listening as talking.
"He who guards his lips guards his soul."
Proverbs 13:3

4. Stand Up!!...
For what you believe in.
Stand for something or you will fall for anything..
"Let us not be weary in doing good; for at the proper time,
we will reap a harvest if we do not give up.
Therefore, as we have opportunity, let us do good..."
Galatians 6:9-10
5. Look Up !!...
To the Lord.
"I can do everything through Christ who strengthens me."
Philippians 4:13

6. Reach Up !!...
For something higher.
"Trust in the Lord with all your heart,
and lean not unto your own understanding.
In all your ways, acknowledge Him,
and He will direct your path."
Proverbs 3:5-6

7. Lift Up !!...
Your Prayers.
"Do not worry about anything;
instead PRAY ABOUT
EVERYTHING."
Philippians 4:6

Tuesday, November 1, 2005 9:31 AM CST

Okay, to be honest I just couldn't update last night. It is hard this morning. The good news is that we have one more first down yesterday another first of the month down if I can make it through today.

It poured rain here last night. I guess if Stanton couldn't be here no one would have fun. It is sad but it didn't really bother me that much.

I know that the hurt and the pain has to get better with time although at this moment I can't see it. I look at parents who have lost children and wonder how they made it through these roughest parts. I don't know quite how to explain it but I feel like I just don't fit in. Everyone my age has young children. The friends I had with kids Hayden's age are the ones who still won't talk to me. The place I fit in is with grieving people and in that place I want to help them not ler myself grieve. I think what I need more than anything is a Trish fix and as soon as I can work it out that is exactly what I am going to have.

I heard a song on the radio yesterday morning and of course loved it. There are so many right now that bring immediate tears. I was able to find the lyrics and it is called "Borrow Mine" by Bebo Norman.
You can borrow mine

When your hope is gone
Borrow mine
When you can’t go on
‘Cause the world will not defeat you
If we’re side by side
When your faith is hard to find
You can borrow mine
You can borrow mine

Take my love
All that you can see
Is the raging sea all around us
Don’t give up
Cause I’m not letting go
And the love we know will not fail us
We’ll lay it all down
As we call out
Only love can
Come and set us free

When you are weak
Unable to speak
And you cannot find the truth
All of your sorrow
Will be gone tomorrow
I have faith you can borrow
‘Cause I still believe in you

Take my hand

Take my love

Don’t give up, no

Don’t give up

This song so reminded me of mine and Trish's relationship in Memphis and on into today. When I couldn't go on she would come through with a great bible verse or devotional. I hope I did the same for her. My goal is to be able to do this for more people. Share my faith when they can't seem to find theirs.

I know I seem a little down and I guess I would be lying if I said that wasn't true. Things are tough. God and I have LONG conversations about where I go from here. I have pretty much given up on asking "why" I just need guidance on what God had in mind when he laid out this plan for me. I don't think he planned on me shutting down and I am trying so very hard not to.

Trusting Him
Tina

Monday, October 31, 2005 9:30 AM CST

I know this is probably a much awaited update since I didn’t update all weekend. I wish I could say it was because I didn’t have the time but more like I didn’t have the words.

Friday evening was Sr. recognition night at the ballgame and I had a little something up my sleeve for the 2 young men I talked about in the last journal. I wanted to do something very special for them since I know Stanton would have loved to have been there cheering them on and they were both so special to him. Thanks to the help from Shug II (she wrote a poem) I pulled something I thought was very appropriate. I gave them each a balloon with the poem attached too it along with a lucky charm. The poem was signed from Stanton and it was incredible. Before they went back up to the field house they each released their balloon. Don’t you know Stanton was happy. Both boys played incredible football with the end result being beat by one point. I shared with you about the one star during Hayden’s game, well there was one star in the sky Friday night. Wonder who was looking down?

Saturday was just a lazy day ending with a great supper with friends. Yesterday pretty much of the same except we spent the afternoon in Summerfield with the Kennedy’s. Jeff killed a 6 point deer so he is content. Hayden killed one on youth day so I think the men of my house are happy.

As you can imagine today will be difficult. These first’s are really for the birds. I try to stay focused on more important things but the upcoming holidays are everywhere!!!!! So, special prayers for me to make it through today and tomorrow. You all know how I hate the first of a new month.

Looking to the Son
Tina

Friday, October 28, 2005 7:13 AM CDT

2:45 I had a couple of special prayer requests that I wanted to mention. They are for 2 girls who were in Memphis when we were there. The first is Ashley, she is from Louisiana www.caringbridge.org/la/princess ashley and Pamela, www.caringbridge.org/tn/pamelahensley. These 2 precious young ladies could use your prayers and support now more than ever. I noticed that the Jake Owen believers are stepping up to the plate so all of you please go by there and let them know you are praying for them. I also think another child from our small town has relapsed. You can visit his site at www.caringbridge.org/la/casey. Thanks again for all of your support.

I really got you this morning with an early morning update. I couldn't sleep and knew I would be busy tonight.

First of all tonight is the last regular season home game which means it is Senior Recognition night at the game. There are many that will be recognized but I have to mention a couple: Dakota of course-I love you with all of my heart and have never been so proud to call you mine. You have played an incredible football season and I have enjoyed watching every minute of it. I know that you had your very special angel cheering you on every step of the way. You know I am here for you in all of your future endeavors. You will always hold a very special place in my heart and will always be "my" little brother. Derrick-What a special friend you are. You too know that I think of you as my own. Stanton did as well, you were always one of his favorites. I am also so very proud of you in all that you accomplished this season. You all just grow up to fast. I am here for you if you need me. I love you, always will and will always consider you me "son" or "little brother" whichever you choose.

This is a big district game that we really need to win so Roll Tide Roll!

I wanted to end with a song that I heard as I was getting out of my car yesterday. It really spoke to the kind of day I was having (imagine that, God at work as always). It is called "Rescue"

You are the Son of light
I can't be left behind
No one else will do
I will take hold of You
I need You, Jesus
Come to my rescue
Where else could I go?
There’s no other name by which I am saved
Capture me with grace
I will follow You
My heart is Yours for life
I need Your hand in mine
No one else will do
Lord, I put my trust in You
I need You Jesus
Come to my rescue
Where else could I go?
There’s no other name by which I am saved
Oh capture me with grace
I will follow You
This world has nothing for me
This world has nothing for me
This world has nothing for me
(I will follow You)
This world has nothing for me
I need You Jesus
Come to my rescue
Where else could I go?
There’s no other name by which I am saved
Capture me with grace
I will follow You
Oh I need You Jesus
To come to my rescue
Where else could I go?
There’s no other name by which I am saved
Capture me with grace
Won't You Capture me with grace
I will follow You
I will follow You
This world has nothing for me
This world has nothing for me

I need you Jesus
Tina

Thursday, October 27, 2005 11:05 AM CDT

This update may seem a little different from some but I guess that is because I feel a little different today. I started the morning off by having to go to a lawyer’s office and sign small estate succession papers for Stanton. I know it sounds crazy but the details are too much to get into just know that although this was just a signature, it was a very difficult emotional moment for me. I guess one more “finality” you could say.

Last night was the Fall Festival at our church and I decided I could go. I really wanted to be their for Mary Claire, Elynn Kate and Hollan (who I must say were all adorable). Jeff opted out which I decided about 30 minutes in would have been a good idea for me too. The costume contest started before I finished eating so my family went to that while I sat there alone. Please don’t get me wrong mom needed to see not only her grandkids but her Sunday School kids as well, it was just once again that feeling of being surrounded by people but still feeling so lonely. Pretty hard to explain. The girls had a great time and I survived another first. Part of the problem is I have this thing about crying in public. People who are already hesitant to talk to you really shy away if you are crying. Makes it pretty difficult to just be real.

I am going to close with a devotional from Bedtime Blessings. I read it a couple of times before it hit me how close this hits to my situation and to so many of yours too probably. Before I do though I want to reassure you that I still place all of my hope in God and the fact that He sent His son to die for me. I guess you can say it is one of those head and heart things. Kind of like being lonely even when surrounded by people. This is the same kind of scenario, some days just seem hopeless even though I know where my hope lies.

“Takes from us our wealth and we are hindered. Take our health and we are handicapped. Take our purpose and we are slowed, temporarily confused. But take away our hope and we are plunged into the deepest darkness…stopped dead in our tracks, paralyzed. Wondering “Why?” Asking “How much longer? Will the darkness ever end? Does God know where I am?”

Then the Father says “That’s far enough” and how sweet it is. Hope revives and washes over us.”

Psalm 91:1
He who dwells in the secret place of the Most High shall abide under the shadow of the Almghty.

Hopeless? Not really but sometimes it feels so
Tina

Wednesday, October 26, 2005 9:30 AM CDT

Here I go again with the morning updates. Again, I will try not to make it a habit. Things are continuing to go in our world although at times I feel like I am sitting still. Work was busy which was good and I have a busy day scheduled today as well. As long as I can stay busy and try to stay focused the days go by much faster.

Hayden is loving being able to drive without Mom in the car. I think I may have to make him pay for a tank of gas though just to get the concept of making as few trips possible to accomplish one task.

Our church is having it’s Fall Festival tonight. I am going to try to go to watch my nieces. I guess you can mark it down as one more first.. We were in Memphis last year but the year before Stanton won the costume contest.

I forgot to mention that at Hayden’s last JV game Monday night when you looked in the sky there was one single bright shining star. I would look at it occasionally and know that Stanton was looking down on his Bubbie smiling with pride.

I want to leave you with an email, a little different that my usual ones but I know that as I read this I have often been guilty as charged. I find my home as a safe haven and tend to let my guard down when there are times with Hayden I should be a little more patient and understanding.

I ran into a stranger as he passed by,
"Oh excuse me please" was my reply.
He said, "Please excuse me too;
I wasn't watching for you."

We were very polite, this stranger and I.
We went on our way and we said goodbye.
But at home a different story is told,
How we treat our loved ones, young and old.

Later that day, cooking the evening meal,
My son stood beside me very still.

When I turned, I nearly knocked him down.
"Move out of the way," I said with a frown.

He walked away, his little heart broken.
I didn't realize how harshly I'd spoken.

While I lay awake in bed,
God's still small voice came to me and said,
"While dealing with a stranger,
common courtesy you use,
but the family you love, you seem to abuse.

Go and look on the kitchen floor,
You'll find some flowers there by the door.

Those are the flowers he brought for you.
He picked them himself: pink, yellow and blue.

He stood very quietly not to spoil the surprise,
you never saw the tears that filled his little eyes."

By this time, I felt very small,
And now my tears began to fall.

I quietly went and knelt by his bed;
"Wake up, little one, wake up," I said.

"Are these the flowers you picked for me?"
He smiled, "I found 'em, out by the tree.

I picked 'em because they're pretty like you.
I knew you'd like 'em, especially the blue."

I said, "Son, I'm very sorry for the way I acted today;
I shouldn't have yelled at you that way."
He said, "Oh, Mom, that's okay.
I love you anyway."

I said, "Son, I love you too,
and I do like the flowers, especially the blue."

FAMILY
Are you aware that if we died tomorrow, the company
that we are working for could easily replace us in
a matter of days.
But the family we left behind will feel the loss
for the rest of their lives.
And come to think of it, we pour ourselves more
into work than into our own family,
an unwise investment indeed,
don't you think?
So what is behind the story?

Do you know what the word FAMILY means?
FAMILY = (F)ATHER (A)ND (M)OTHER (I) (L)OVE (Y)OU

Don’t forget to love on your kids during this hectic season coming up. It was not meant to be hectic it was meant to celebrate the birth of our Lord Jesus Christ. Spend a little extra time with your family this holiday season.

Missing Stanton SOOOOO Much
Tina

Monday, October 24, 2005 8:37 PM CDT

Well, we officially have a new driver in the family. Hayden passed his driving test and I have to say as I watched him drive off to school it felt a little like his first day of kindergarten. I didn't let him see it but many tears were shed. Knowing I will only do this once in my life I think adds to the emotions. They also had their last JV ballgame tonight. I will keep my comments to myself on that.

My journal entry for Oct. 15 in San Diego: "This is the life!" Sleeping in what feels like a feather bed until I wake up with no alarm clock. I didn't even hear Angela leave for her meeting. I eventually got up, got dressed and went for a walk by the bay ending up in a chair by the pool in front of a waterfall reading my book "Why?" Talk about some much needed quiet time. I then came back to the room for some prayer time while I waited on Angela. When she got back we shopped for a while, rested a bit, and then had a wonderful dinner. Words really can't describe the conversation that we had, serious, funny, many memories but none the less much needed conversation between great friends. I think today I saw a glimpse of God's plan for this trip.

Not feeling quite so lonely!

The other book I read while I was gone was Ruth Graham's "In Every Pew sits a Broken Heart". I won't go into much detail about this book tonight but one of the first points that she makes is that you really can't tell what people are going through by their outward appearance. I know personally I can put on a face except for those that know me best. It brought to mind a song that talks about a mother on a train with wild children not disciplining them and everyone staring until she tells them that they have been at the hospital all night with their father who died. And then about the old man driving on the road seeming to slow everybody down when he says that he knows he isn't driving as well as he used to but his wife is gone and his children don't have time for him anymore. Really makes you think before you start to judge people. Take time to wonder what is really going on in their lives. I know I can't thank those of you enough who know me and have helped me take every step of this difficult journey.

Had a pretty rough day
Tina

Sunday, October 23, 2005 9:51 PM CDT

HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO MY PRESCIOUS SON!!!! I cannot believe that Hayden turned 16 today. I will say I tried my best but had meltdown moments. Partly from the fact that he seems so grown and also from the fact that as he was experiencing his birthday at its finest his little brother was not here. HOW COULD THAT BE????

To say his birthday was anything less than incredible would be an understatement. I am so happy for him and hope he finds time to journal a thank you to everyone who made it special for him.

A funny story: On your birthday in SS you get to choose someone to sing to you. Well, a couple of years ago Hayden picked Whittney who is a precious cousin of his who is also his same age and they have always been pretty close. She didn't appreciate having to sing but she did not forget and got him back. He missed his next birthday but she didn't so she was one up on him until today. His comment was "At least I didn't make her sing it by herself". When I asked who else sang he said "the german exchange student". Needless to say not much help to Whittney. She is such a sport but I have a feeling it is not over.

I will be taking him for his license tomorrow so the drivers in Minden take heed.

I wanted to take tonight to start sharing last weeks journey. I will share a few words from my first day in San Diego.

I am traveling with a very best friend, mentor and traveling partner, Angela. She, Bill and their families have been by our side long before Stanton was born and before he got sick. In fact Stanton's middle name, Allen came from their family. They are also some of the few who have stuck around and not been scared off. Angela has been through so much with me over the years and yet she keeps coming back. We haven't had much Angela/Tina time since Stanton's death so for me this was a much needed trip for more than just business reasons. During our layover in Dallas we really got a chance to talk and oh how I needed that. I was able to take off all of my faces and just be me. Angela never claimed to understand, she didn't minimize my pain, she just listened and let me cry. She is actually pretty good at that, showing up just when you need her the most and when it seems like no one else is.

On the plane home I was reading a book that really described how I felt about Angela, Lori, Don,Leslie, Sally, Myla, Joyce, Sheri, Trish, Mr. Smith, Karla, Lizzie and many more I won't even try to mention. The chapter in general talks about God being with us during diffiuclt times and how that during those times it is hard to feel His prescence. "People can be signs of God's presence as well. When I was most depressed certain friends and family members loved me in a way that gave me strength. They listened while I shared or they just made me laugh. They did not preach-nor did they let me off of the hook when I was wrong (DON). They loved me just like Jesus. Unconditionally. Their love reminded me of God's nearness and gave me hope."

I encourage you that if you have a friend that is having a hard time that you be that sign of God's love for that person. From experience you will never know the impact that you can have on that person.

Still on the outside looking in
Tina

I want to thank Shelly for doing our SS lesson for 2 weeks in a row. I know it is not always easy to get up in front of people but today's lesson was great for me and I wish I could have been there last week.

Saturday, October 22, 2005 8:14 PM CDT

I wanted to do a quick update before heading to bed, yes my time is still a little mixed up. We had a great day today. As you all know Hayden is turning 16 tomorrow. Well, my daddy had told him many years ago that he would get him a truck when he could drive. Daddy is always good to his word so he has had him a truck and they have worked on it off and on all summer. All it lacked was a "good" stereo system. Well, Jeff and I took care of that for him and surprised him with it today. He spent the afternoon showing off his new truck and stereo. It is so hard to believe that he is old enough to drive. When I asked him about it his exact words were "Pepaw and I have been waiting on this day for 16 years". I wish I could even begin to describe the realtionship between those 2. Not only was Hayden the first and only grandchild for 10 years but also daddy's first boy.

Tonight we went to Mary Claire's pajama bear party. It was very cute but a few too many kids for me.

I spent a lot of time in quiet time this past week and read several different books but then I got this email (as usual) that really hit home. I have always said that when we prayed for Stanton we prayed that God's will be done and for us to have the strength to accept that will. If you have never prayed this prayer it is a very difficult one especially when your child is involved. Then you keep praying and listening always wondering is you are "getting it" or are you missing something. Then when God's will is done, you are left with the hard part, accepting God's will as what is best for you. I read this email and decided I would share it with you.

The Lord wants His will to be the single factor in our decision-making--not what we want or what others think; not the size of the need, our availability, the worthiness of the request, or our previous experience. "What God desires" is to be the litmus test that decides what we do and say.

To recognize God's voice, we first set our minds on His interests rather than our own. Then we ask, Is what I'm considering in agreement with Scripture? Jesus' prediction of His death was scriptural, but Peter wanted a reigning Messiah (Isaiah 9:6-7); He had overlooked the prophetic teaching about the suffering servant. (Isaiah 53:3-9) By becoming students of the Word, we will avoid the danger of missing key verses.

When an idea is supported by Scripture, then we inquire, Does it conflict with human reasoning? Ironically, a "yes" means there is a strong possibility that it is God's voice. Peter had trouble reconciling the words crucified and Messiah, yet it was the Lord speaking.

Next, we examine the concept to see if it involves sacrifice or challenges our faith. God's commands usually do. To accept Jesus' words, Peter would have to surrender an earthly relationship with Jesus and believe in His resurrection.

Finally, when God gives us instruction, courage is often required. Peter could see difficulties ahead if Jesus was to be killed.

Learning to identify God's voice is a process. Agreement with His Word is key, so always check the message against the Bible first. Then use the other steps to assess if what you are hearing is from God.

Confident in my Decision Maker
Tina

Friday, October 21, 2005 2:55 PM CDT

Back on home territory. I sure missed all of you this week but the internet connection was pretty expensive. I hope you all missed me as much! I must say I had a great trip mostly work but some play. San Diego is a gourgeous city. I journaled everyday so that I could share with you some.

I got the chance to meet some incredible HIM professionals and make some new people I now call friends. Angela is on the AHIMA Board of Directors so I got to go to some neat things that I wouldn't have otherwise, the first being a dinner for the BOD's. I want to thank all of you for making me feel so special and not a tag along. Mervat (president of AHIMA)-thank you so much for just being you all week. You are an amazing woman who we were lucky to have as president. You made me feel so welcome this week.

I guess the boys made it okay on the homefront although I think Jeff worked most of the time. Hayden has a game tonight in Shreveport. The doctor's report on his knee yesterday was good. He is pretty excited about his birthday Sunday. Mary Claire's birthday was Tuesday but ber party is tomorrow. I was so glad Jamie waited so that I could be there. I have already missed so much but once again another first.

Altough the week was great I must say you can run but you can't hide. I still had meltdowns every day but worked through them as always. As you all know I LOVE to fly and have many conversations with God while in the air. I have never flown as early as we did going and coming and I can say if you have never seen the sun rise from above the clouds it is unbeleivable!!!! A true piece of God's artwork!

Now that this trip is behind me it seems all I have to look forward to is very hard firsts. Please continue to keep us all in your prayers!

I will update more on the trip later.

Keeping on keeping on
Tina

I also need additional prayer for my incision from my surgery in May. It has opened back up and gotten infected again. It will slow me down for a few weeks but hopefully not for long.

Monday, October 17, 2005 9:08 PM CDT

hey yall this is hayden cause as yall all no moms in san diego.. i think they actualy went to mexico today.. well shes havin a blast.. my knees gettin better its a little swore n still a little swole i gotta go back to the dr thursday.. well friday we play at northwood its there homecoming i think we should win.. mom comes hoeme thursday i think.. well 6 days from now sunday ill be 16 i cant wait

hayden

Saturday, October 15, 2005 2:10 PM CDT

Okay,it is me but this will be short since I am paying by the minute. I made it to Sand DIego safe and sound. I am journaling each day so I can fill you in when I get home. Maybe I can talk one of my men to update some for me while I am gone so continue to check back.

Learning you can't run from Lonilieness
Tina

Thursday, October 13, 2005 8:55 AM CDT

8 MONTHS! I remember exactly what I was doing at this time 8 months ago. I was laying in bed with Emma Grace explaining to her that her very best friend was now with Jesus. I remember how quiet she got only to break down when I went to get up. I layed there with her, held her and cried with her knowing I could never understand what was going on in her mind. I also had no idea she would be joining him a few months later. I remember going to the funeral home, packing the Target House, and then them literally dragging me to the car. Memories no parent should ever have! Stanton-I miss you all the way to heaven and back! I was blessed to be called mommy by one of the most incredible little boys I know.

I will be leaving for San Diego so I don't know about computer access but I will try to have Hayden update some while I am gone. I am going to a convention and I was really looking forward to it and now just want to stay home. I am going with one of my best friends so I know she will make sure I have a good time and it is probably a much needed break.

As for Hayden's knee, the muscles under the kneecap are bruised. A physical therapist worked with him and showed him some excercises to do and hot/cold for the next week. This also means no football which he was not happy with. He will go back next Thursday to make sure it is healing okay.

I will end with an email that I got. I think everyone can find something familiar in it:

When Your Hut's on Fire....

The only survivor of a shipwreck was washed up on a small, uninhabited island.

He prayed feverishly for God to rescue him.

Every day he scanned the horizon for help, but none seemed forthcoming.

Exhausted, he eventually managed to build a little hut out of driftwood to protect himself from the elements, and to store his few possessions.

One day, after scavenging for food, he arrived home to find his little hut in flames, with smoke rolling up to the sky. He felt the worst had happened, and everything was lost.

He was stunned with disbelief, grief, and anger. He cried out, "God! How could you do this to me?"

Early the next day, he was awakened by the sound of a ship approaching the island!

It had come to rescue him! "How did you know I was here?" asked the weary man of his rescuers. "We saw your smoke signal," they replied.

The Moral of This Story: It's easy to get discouraged when things are going bad, but we shouldn't lose heart, because God is at work in our lives, even in the midst of our pain and suffering.

Remember that the next time your little hut seems to be burning to the ground. It just may be a smoke signal that summons the Grace of God. God always hears our prayers, we just have to be open to His answers!

Thinking my Hut burned 8 months ago
Tina

Wednesday, October 12, 2005 10:01 AM CDT

Good Morning all! I have been off to a busy start which can be good most of the time. The rest of the day will tell. I have a lot of loose ends to tie up at work before I leave so I should stay busy.

Nothing major going on in our world. Hayden will be coming to see a sports medicine doctor this afternoon. He managed to hurt his knee during tackling drills and has not wanted me to call the doctor but it is still swollen so he loses! I hope that it is not something major. Jeff and I both have knee problems and wouldn’t wish them on him for anything.

I got a really neat email this morning (Thanks Jackie) with an article attached to it. Amazing how things come just when I need them the most. The article is from Christianity Today and is incredible but it was too long for me to put here so I will just put in excerpts:

Can I Really Expect God to Protect Me?
Divine promises in the midst of suffering.
by Nancy Guthrie | posted 10/10/2005 09:00 a.m.
My Bible study group assignment was to read Psalm 91 and express how it had been true in my life.
"He will rescue you from every trap and protect you from the fatal plague. … For he orders his angels to protect you wherever you go. They will hold you with their hands to keep you from striking your foot on a stone." [All Scripture citations from the New Living Translation.]
At first blush it sounds really good, but that day I had to say what I really thought. Through tears I told the group, "I don't get how this is true. He did not rescue us from a fatal plague. He did not keep us from striking our feet on a stone but, in fact, allowed much worse than that."
In the year preceding we had buried my daughter, Hope, who was born with a rare metabolic disorder and had a short and difficult life. At that low point in my grief, I simply wasn't willing to gloss over the nice-sounding verse. I couldn't reconcile this passage with my experience, with reality. But I wanted to. I wanted to figure out how the scriptural promises of protection apply not only to me, but also to anyone who suffers, especially now, the thousands who have endured homelessness, disease, and death in the wake of Hurricane Katrina. I wanted to know, Can I expect God to protect me? And if not, what are these promises of protection in the Bible all about?
Our True Enemy
I began in the Psalms, because they are filled with requests for and proclamations of divine protection. Most of them have to do with protection from "my enemies." For example, Psalm 59:9-10 reads, "You are my strength; I wait for you to rescue me, for you, O God, are my place of safety. In his unfailing love, my God will come and help me. He will let me look down in triumph on all my enemies."
Frankly, I have often been confused. Some of the things the biblical writers ask God to do to their enemies, I wouldn't wish on anyone! A sermon I heard on Isaiah finally helped me to make sense of this. Because the children of Israel and their God-appointed leaders were God's chosen people, friends of Israel were friends of God, and enemies of Israel were enemies of God. God's enemies are those who love themselves more than God, those who reject and refuse the gift of God in his Son, Jesus. Throughout the Old Testament story of God dealing with his chosen people, God reveals his power and his will to protect his children from enemies who would seek to do them harm.
So the challenge is to figure out, Who are our enemies? When we think about enemies, we think about bosses who seem out to get us, former spouses who want to ruin us, rivals who want to defeat us, and people who have hurt us. We think of those with ideologies and agendas at cross-purposes with ours. The truth is, we are much more concerned about having God on our side to protect our own interests and reputation than we are about being on God's side, seeking after his glory and ultimate victory.
I figured out that God has not promised to protect me from everyone I might define as my enemy. But he has promised protection from my ultimate enemy—sin—which, because of Christ, no longer has the power to enslave me or determine my eternal destiny. We can entrust ourselves to this just, strong God, who has gone to the lengths of the Cross to protect us from any enemy that seeks to alienate us from himself.
My problem is not so much a lack of protection from God. My more significant problem is that I'm sleeping with the enemy, justifying and enjoying my sin when all along he offers me protection from its damning power.
Different Priorities
As I listened to the words of Jesus, my understanding of protection became clearer. Honestly, it wasn't necessarily what I was hoping for.
Imagine the scene as Jesus prepared to send out his disciples in twos for ministry (Matt. 10). Far from a pump-you-up pep talk, he seemed to be preparing them for the worst. "When you are arrested, don't worry about what to say in your defense," he said. "Everyone will hate you because of your allegiance to me," he predicted. And then he encouraged them not to fear those who wanted to kill them. "They can only kill your body, they cannot touch your soul" (Matt. 10:28). Gee, I think, they can kill only my body? And this should be a relief?
The fact is, God cares more about our spiritual health than our physical health. Our bodies are going to die. Our souls are going to live forever. And God's ability to protect our souls from eternal judgment and eternal death is more significant than his ability to protect our bodies from disease or death. Trapped in these bodies and in this time, it is hard for us to grasp. So in our prayer requests for safe travel and physical health, and in our more desperate prayers amid great difficulties, we try to apply to our bodies his promises of protection for our souls, and we're left disappointed, accusing him of falling down on the job. But we will continue to be disappointed in him until our value system lines up with his, until we value the eternal life of our souls more than the limited life of our mortal bodies, until we understand that God's primary agenda is kingdom building. It may cost us our very lives, and he is okay with that.
I think this really puts things in a different perspective than I have been looking at them lately. God’s goal for me is not complete happiness on this earth but for 1) me to further His kingdom and 2) make my eternal life possible. The same was true for Stanton. I think God hurt because one of His children was so sick but His ultimate plan was for Stanton to further His kingdom which I think he did in ways that only a 3 year old could and in many ways in which we could all hope to accomplish and to take him back to his eternal home where there is no sickness. I know that I will never understand God’s reason for taking Stanton home when he did. I have also decided that I really don’t care why. I just know that each passing day is one day closer I am to meeting Jesus face to face and being shown around heaven by Stanton. What I also know is that although I know Stanton is in a better place I will forever have a HUGE hole in my heart for him that will never be closed. I will always wonder what he would be like right now. I will also never take things that are given to me for granted. Not material things but my husband, son and family. The loving friends that have been here through the entire journey. The sight of a beautiful sunset or rainbow. These are the things I have learned.

Sorry this has gotten a little lengthy but I thought it was worth sharing.
Waiting to be with Him
Tina

Tuesday, October 11, 2005 9:19 AM CDT

Here I go with the morning entires again. This morning has been extremely difficult. I woke up hearing Stanton's voice. It is so real only to have to face the cold hard truth that I didn't hear him. I found myself on the way to work having to focus on just making myself breath. I hate feeling this way!

Hayden had a JV ballgame last night. As far as I could tell he did okay. I would say he did something good and then Jeff would point out what he was supposed to have done. I don't think I will ever fully understand the game of football. I also met with his teachers yesterday for parent teacher conference and overall he is doing okay. I did find out he trys to use his charm a lot. Where he is struggling is on the tests and I know it is not an excuse but I fully understand how he would be having trouble with that. When things are quiet it is easy for your mind to wander. Oh how I wish I could fix things for him. I know he misses Stanton as much and sometimes probably more than we do.

If you all haven't read Trish's journal yet I love the devoation that she has on there now. In fact I have used it in my journal before (Nov. 27, 2004) right after our Philly trip. I won't repeat it but you need to check it out www.caringbridge.org/ar/emmagrace.

I have read several devotionals over the last few days and about 3 of them refer to the same thing so I decided maybe God wanted me to share this with you. ALl of the devotions talked about metal and how it is refined. In one a man was working with copper and he would work on it and then put it in a firey furnace, work on it and repeat the process until all of the impurities were out. Jeff and I also talked about what he does each day (this was after all of the hurricanes) and he described a very similar process in which the gas is refined until all of the bad stuff is gone and only the good left. Does this sound a little familiar to your life? Have you ever felt like you were in the middle of a fiery furnace? I know I have! God uses these time of trouble to make us the people that He wants us to be. Notice the key word "He", not what we want to be. Once again I will say that our journey has been filled with many furnaces and after coming out of each one I believe I became a different person. Each time, a better person. Without this journey I don't know where I would be today. Instead, I am steadfast in my love for God and the faith that he will remove me from this furnace eventually.

"Faith is seeing light with your heart, when all your eyes see is the darkness ahead"

One Step at a Time
Tina

Sunday, October 9, 2005 8:27 PM CDT

Happy Birthday Mom!!!!! I won't divulge her age in my journal but Hayden has said she looked anywhere from 29 to 39. I tried to tell him that he was getting Christmas presents regardless, there was no need to suck up. I guess she had a good birthday, no different from any other Sunday. We all went to her house this afternoon to spend a little time, even the guinea pig that Elynn Kate calls a mouse. It was another first down.

Sunday's can be so hard. As much as I love all of our nieces, nephews and cousins it is so hard not to be jealous. Sometimes I feel like Stanton never existed to anyone but us. I know that is not the case but just another of my insecurities. I just watch all of the kids playing and know he should be right in the middle of them.

This morning's sermon was another way that I think God was trying to get through to me. I am not going to go into the entire sermon but straight to the point. Brother Wayne talked about how God uses ordinary people to do his work. There are no special talents required just your love for Him. He told the story of David and Goliath which you all know was one of Stanton's favorites. David was a lowly little shepherd who conquered a massive giant and God got all of the glory. Just a reminder that any of us can be a vessel for God. We just need to take our love for Him and share it with others.

We also sang a song that I love and I wish I could be at such peace. As we sang I prayed that one say I would be able to say the words to this song and know that everything really is "Well with my Soul". The one and only thing that gets me through each day is knowing that because God loves me so I will one day be with Stanton again.

When peace like a river attendeth my way
When sorrows like sea billows roll
Whatever my lot thou hast taught me to say
It is well, it is well with my soul

Chorus:

It is well (it is well)
With my soul (with my soul)
It is well, it is well with my soul
My sin o the joy of this glorious thought
My sin not in part but the whole
Is nailed to the cross and
I bear it no more paraise the lord, praise the lord,
O my soul
And lord haste the day
When my faith shall be sight
The clouds be rolled back as a scroll
The trump shall resound and
The lord shall descend
Even so it is well with my soul

Longing for the day
Tina

Saturday, October 8, 2005 8:49 PM CDT

It has been a very busy day around here. Jeff and I had a couple of errands to run this morning which turned into an all day affair. I then worked at the Revel in a pretend hospital. It was lots of fun and the kids had a great time. It was strange how that didn't bother me much when I thought it would have.

We have also added a new addition to the family. Jeff gave in and let me buy Hayden a guinea pig. Her name is Angel. We will see how they do. She really is a sweet animal.

I have to tell you that God had really been working in my life lately. I have been very down and it seems like things will happen just when I need them the most. I have had people email me with words I needed to hear. I have had friends at work stop by just when I needed someone to help me cry. A beautiful sunset to remind me of His AWESOME power. I could go on and on but what I am getting at is that on more than one occasion a song has come on that said "Hey Tina are you listening?" and tonight was one of those nights. I was riding home with the sunroof open of course when a song came on that just hit me over the head.

Lay It Down

I’ve been looking ‘til my eyes are tired of looking
Listening ‘til my ears are numb from listening
Praying ‘til my knees are sore from kneeling
On the bedroom floor

I know that You know that my heart is aching
I’m running out of tears and my will is breaking
I don’t think that I can carry
The burden of it anymore

All of my hopes and my dreams and my best laid plans
Are slowly slipping through my folded hands

Chorus
So I’m gonna lay it down
I’m gonna learn to trust You now
What else can I do
Everything I am depends on You
And if the sun don’t come back up
I know Your love will be enough
I’m gonna let it be, I’m gonna let it go
I’m gonna lay it down

I’ve been walking through this world like I’m barely living
Buried in the doubt of this hole I’ve been digging
But You’re pulling me out and I’m finally breathing
In the open air

This room may be dark but I’m finally seeing
There’s a new ray of hope and now I’m believing
That the past is the past and the future’s beginning to look brighter now

‘Cause all of my hopes and my dreams and my best laid plans
Are safe and secure when I place them in Your hands

Chorus
So I’m gonna lay it down
I’m gonna learn to trust You now
What else can I do
Everything I am depends on You
And if the sun don’t come back up
I know Your love will be enough
I’m gonna let it be, I’m gonna let it go
I’m gonna lay it down

Does any of this sound like some of my latest journal entries. Once again, I just ask that you pray that my heart and my head can get on the same page and although I will forever miss Stanton more than I can say, that I will one day find happiness again.

Laying it Down
Tina

Friday, October 7, 2005 9:29 AM CDT

Another morning update! I like keeping you all on your toes. The weather here this morning is beautiful so I had the best ride to work. I rode with the sun roof open, music blaring, and wonderful conversation with God. Doesn’t get much better than that. I have always shared my heart with you which is what my journal is all about so today I am going to open up that wound a little more and let you see just a little deeper.

It has been a tough week, work has been busy, I have been very emotional and numerous other triggers to a tough week. Last night Jeff and I were sitting on the couch talking and had a bit of a confrontation but I guess it did open my eyes a bit to what he and Hayden see when I come home. He said “You are either griping or crying. You are never happy.” I thought about it got mad of course and that was the end of the conversation. I then went into quiet time and realized he is probably right. I spend the day putting on a “happy face” and when I get home I feel like I shouldn’t have to do that. I think he needs to know how I feel and how bad I am hurting. The other part was something that I am very aware of and that is my happiness. I can’t tell you the last time I was truly happy, not just pretending. What scares me the most is that I don’t know if I can ever have that happiness back. I know this is all part of Satan’s plan to steal my life and I do not want that to happen. I am just going to have to continue going at my own pace until I get to where I need to be and where I think God wants me to be. I feel like my life is going on without me in it.

I bought a CD by Rascal Flatts last night and the song I got it for is not the one I want to share with you. It is another one called “When the Sand Runs Out”. I am not going to give you the words to the whole song, but am going to tell you the story behind the song. It talks of a man going to a friends grave. He thinks about how the man spent his whole life going but not really accomplishing anything. He stuck with the routine and took no chances. He led the safe life. He decides as he is standing there that today is the first day of the rest of his life. The chorus goes on to say:

I’m gonna stop looking back
And start movin on
And learn how to face my fears
Love with all of my heart
And make my mark
I wanna leave something here
Go out on a ledge
Without any nets
That’s what I’m gonna be about
Yeah, I wanna be running when the sand runs out.

The song finishes by talking about how so many people make the decision to change and never do and how we don’t know about the future so live each day to the fullest.

Now do you believe me when I say my talk with God was amazing. He answers my prayers in so many different ways, by a special person, special words or even certain songs. I haven’t been living to the fullest and can’t promise you that I will start today but I can promise that I will do my best. You would think I would have learned this lesson if nothing else but the pain is so real. I do want to leave my mark on this earth but most of all I want to follow God’s will “until the sand runs out”

Still heartbroken but trying to move forward
Tina

I can’t end this without mentioning Carson, a very special little boy who I consider my nephew. He called last night to tell me that the St. Jude Trike-a-Thon was at his pre-school today and he had decorated his tricycle in memory of Stanton, picture and all. He also said his mommy was bringing him balloons to send to Stanton in heaven when he is finished. What a special memory for me. I love the balloons because it really gives the kids a way to continue to show their love for Stanton in a way that they understand. Casey-Thank you so much for decorating Carson’s bike for Stanton. I have no doubt that he will be there riding with him. To you and Dean-you will all always be a very special part of our family. Thank you for sharing Carson and eventually Addison with me and letting me spoil them just a little. I just know that as Carson grows our bond will be stronger and stronger. I love you all!

Thursday, October 6, 2005 9:07 AM CDT

I guess the new trend is morning entries although I will try not to make it a habit. Once again the last couple of days have been very difficult.

I am proud to say that I am the daughter of this year's Principal Champion Pig Pusher. I know you are thinking "and she was worried what we would think about her counselor". Yes, the may put the icing on the redneck version of me. Now to explain; this week is the annual Webster Parish fair (not a huge deal but fun for the kids) and during this the 4H kids show their animals. About 5 years ago they started the prinicpal pig pushing division. Principals from around the parish (who are very good sports) come and show a pig. The first year, mom came into it all gung ho, overalls bandana and all. She won and you would have thought it was the biggest deal in the world. Well, she did not win the last few years but all of that changed last night. She once again is the pig pushing champion.

Going to the fair was not something we were looking forward to but thought it would be okay. Of course I wanted to watch the girls and support mom. It had been 2 years since we had taken Stanton so I thought I could handle it. I quickly learned that this was WRONG! The memories were so vivid. It seemed like just yesterday. I spent most of the evening trying not to let the tears fall. For all of you who came by and asked if I was okay, thank you.

On the guestbook are the words to a song by Kenny Chesney and if you haven't read it or heard it I wanted to share it with you. It is a beautiful song that I can't wait to find the CD. It could have been written for me.

Sunny days seem to hurt the most.
I wear the pain like a heavy coat.
I feel you everywhere I go.
I see your smile, I see your face,
I hear you laughin' in the rain.
I still can't believe you're gone.

It ain't fair: you died too young,
Like the story that had just begun,
But death tore the pages all away.
God knows how I miss you,
All the hell I've been through,
Just knowin' no-one could take your place.
An' sometimes I wonder

Would you see the world? Would you chase your dreams?
Settle down with a family,
I wonder what would you name your babies?
Some days the sky's so blue,
I feel like I can talk to you,
An' I know it might sound crazy.

It ain't fair: you died too young,
Like the story that had just begun,
But death tore the pages all away.
God knows how I miss you,
All the hell I've been through,
Just knowin' no-one could take your place.
An' sometimes I wonder,
Who you'd be today?

Sunny days seem to hurt the most.
I wear the pain like a heavy coat.
The only thing that gives me hope,
Is I know I'll see you again some day.

Some day, some day, some day.

Still very broken
Tina

Wednesday, October 5, 2005 9:04 AM CDT

I had actually typed this yesterday and forgot to cut and paste it so here goes.

Okay, I promised a better update than this morning. Once again, I apologize for that but I can’t even begin to explain the emotions of yesterday.

First the positive from yesterday, Jeff and Scotty made it home safe and sound and it was good to have Jeff back at home.

I don’t know how to explain this or if I should even try but I think I will because it may help someone understand the pain a family feels after the loss of a loved one. For almost 3 years Stanton was the very center of our attention. We spent those years doing everything we could to beat the nasty beast he was fighting. This did not only affect Jeff and I but Hayden and our extended family as well. So much was sacrificed by so many. Looking back we would not change a single sacrifice that was made and I don’t think you will find any one of out family members that will either, especially Hayden. For those of you who have never had to deal with something this traumatic I want to explain to you that Stanton didn’t just pass away one day and our lives picked up where we left off the next. So far, the first 3 months were the easiest. Things still seemed so surreal. People still remembered. After that things seemed to have gone downhill. I am speaking on my behalf only right now but I can only imagine what is going on in the mind of a 15 year old. You all know that Hayden will forever be my baby and I don’t think I can bear to see him hurt much more. He has had to deal with more than any teenager should be asked to deal with only for people to forget that maybe there is more going on with him than he let’s on. Remember he is his mother’s child and I can turn on a happy face in a heartbeat. I was actually told that Hayden seemed a little distracted and unfocused. I was in such shock I really couldn’t say much. I know I spend the majority of my day distracted and unfocused but thankfully and blessed to have a boss who is completely understanding and knows that I will get through this. So, I urge you that if you know someone who is going through a loss please know that the loss is not short lived and may take a good while for that person to adjust back to the “real” world. This goes for everyone affected by the loss. I really am not saying that they need special treatment just a little extra understanding. This is something I really had to get off of my chest.

I got another email from a very special person who has suffered a loss in her own way. She continues to email me and inspire each time that she does. I read this with tears in my eyes as it is something that I know is so very true but once again, a place that my head and heart have trouble finding a happy medium. Once again, I am blessed to be the child of such a God who loves me so.

Effective immediately,
please be aware that there are changes YOU need
to make in YOUR life. These changes need to be
completed in order that I may fulfill My promises
to you to grant you peace, joy and happiness in
this life. I apologize for any inconvenience,
but after all that I am doing, this seems very
little to ask of you. Please,follow
these 10 guidelines

1. QUIT WORRYING:
Life has dealt you a blow and all you do is sit
and worry. Have you forgotten that I am here
to take all your burdens and carry them for you?
Or do you just enjoy fretting over every little
thing that comes your way?

2. PUT IT ON THE LIST:
Something needs done or taken care of. Put it
on the list. No, not YOUR list. Put it on MY
to-do-list. Let ME be the one to take care
of the problem. I can't help you until you turn
it over to Me. And although My to-do-list
is long, I am after all... God. I can take care
of anything you put into My hands. In fact,
if the truth were ever really known, I take
care of a lot of things for you that you never
even realize.

3. TRUST ME:
Once you've given your burdens to Me,
quit trying to take them back. Trust in
Me. Have the faith that I will take care of
all your needs, your problems and your trials.
Problems with the kids? Put them on My list.
Problem with finances? Put it on My list.
Problems with your emotional roller coaster?
For My sake, put it on My list. I want to
help you. All you have to do is ask.

4. LEAVE IT ALONE:
Don't wake up one morning and say,
"Well, I'm feeling much stronger now, I think
I can handle it from here." Why do you think
you are feeling stronger now? It's simple.
You gave Me your burdens and I'm taking
care of them. I also renew your strength
and cover you in my peace. Don't you
know that if I give you these problems back,
you will be right back where you started?
Leave them with Me and forget about
them. Just let Me do my job.

5. TALK TO ME:
I want you to forget a lot of things.
Forget what was making you crazy.
Forget the worry and the fretting because
you know I'm in control. But there's one
thing I pray you never forget. Please, don't
forget to talk to Me - OFTEN! I love YOU!
I want to hear your voice. I want you to
include Me in on the things going on in your life.
I want to hear you talk about your friends
and family. Prayer is simply you having
a conversation with Me. I want to be your
dearest friend.

6. HAVE FAITH:
I see a lot of things from up here that you
can't see from where you are. Have faith in
Me that I know what I'm doing. Trust Me;
you wouldn't want the view from My eyes.
I will continue to care for you, watch over you,
and meet your needs. You only have to trust Me.
Although I have a much bigger task than you,
it seems as if you have so much trouble just
doing your simple part. How hard can trust be?

7. SHARE:
You were taught to share when you were
only two years old. When did you forget?
That rule still applies. Share with those who are
less fortunate than you. Share your joy with
those who need encouragement. Share your
laughter with those who haven't heard any in
such a long time. Share your tears with those
who have forgotten how to cry. Share your faith
with those who have none.

8. BE PATIENT:
I managed to fix it so in just one lifetime
you could have so many diverse experiences.
You grow from a child to an adult, have children,
change jobs many times, learn many trades,
travel to so many places, meet thousands
of people, and experience so much. How can
you be so impatient then when it takes Me
a little longer than you expect to handle
something on My to-do-list? Trust in My
timing, for My timing is perfect. Just
because I created the entire universe in
only six days, everyone thinks I should
always rush, rush, rush.

9. BE KIND:
Be kind to others, for I love them just
as much as I love you. They may not dress
like you, or talk like you, or live the same way
you do, but I still love you all. Please try
to get along, for My sake. I created each
of you different in some way. It would be
too boring if you were all identical.
Please, know I love each of your differences.

10. LOVE YOURSELF:
As much as I love you, how can you not
love yourself? You were created by me for
one reason only -- to be loved, and to love
in return. I am a God of Love. Love Me.
Love your neighbors. But also love yourself.
It makes My heart ache when I see you
so angry with yourself when things go
wrong. You are very precious to me.
Don't ever forget......

Trying to follow His guidelines
Tina

Tuesday, October 4, 2005 9:28 AM CDT

Sorry about the lack of update last night. I was taught, although I sometimes have trouble with it, that if you don't have anything nice to say then don't say anything at all. That pretty much sums up yesterday. So, I will update tonight on hopefully a much better day!

Clinging to Him
Tina

Sunday, October 2, 2005 7:43 PM CDT

Good Sunday evening! I hope everyone has had a great day. Ours was pretty boring. After a GREAT girls night last night we alll got up and went to church. I was dreading this morning because all I had heard was that Mary Claire was not a morning person but she was perfect.

I spent the rest of the day laying around watching the race and then catching up on all of the shows I had missed last week. Not really looking forward to starting another work week. Once again, I am facing a new month with new challenges. This will be a pretty difficult month with many firsts. I still don't understand how life can seem to go by so quickly yet seem to stand still all at the same time.

I want to close with the lyrics of a song we sang today. I couldn't help but think of it personally.

I have a maker
He formed my heart
Before even time began
My life was in his hand
Chorus
He knows my name
He knows my every thought
He sees each tear that falls
And hears me when I call
I have a Father
He calls me his own
He'll never leave me
No matter where I go
Chorus
He knows my name
He knows my every thought
He sees each tear that falls
And hears me when I call

Once again I am reassured that there is someone who loves me just as I am. He actually knows my every move before I make it.

Looking to the Son
Tina

Special prayers for Jeff and Scotty as they travel home tomorrow.

Saturday, October 1, 2005 8:17 PM CDT

I decided to try to do a quick update while Mary Claire was playing in the bathtub. I still have her nails to do and a movie to watch! Today has been lots of fun. Very bittersweet for me but I know Mary Claire has had a ball. She continues to talk about Stanton a lot and even asked to send him balloons. Some times I wish I could get into her mind. I know how mine is so how does she do it?

We got Hayden off to homecoming. All of the kids looked great. Part of me is so happy that I am here this year to experience all of this with him but there is still such a HUGE void. I also can't help but think of how fast he is growing up and how I will never get to do any of this again.

Jeff and Scotty are having fun. Their meeting with Michael fell through. I was pretty disappointed but they took it in stride. They did get to sit in his lawn chairs by his motor coach though. He was inside in a meeting and didn't get through in time. Oh well, we tried. Marcy-You know I could never thank you enough for all you continue to do for my family.

I want to close with a verse that I got from another site (fl/jacob). This family got incredible news this week and his mom writes some of the best journals.

"When darkness overtakes the godly, light will come bursting in.
The LORD is generous, compassionate, and righteous.
Such people will not be overcome by evil circumstances.
Those who are righteous will be long remembered.
They do not fear bad news;
they confidently trust the LORD to care for them.
They are confident and fearless
and can face their foes triumphantly."
Psalm 112:4,6-8

I need to run, still have lots to do before bed and I was informed by Jamie that Mary Claire is not a morning person so getting ready for church should be fun with her and Hayden.

Fearless (Maybe?)
Tina

Saturday, October 1, 2005 9:39 AM CDT

Quick update just to let you all know what is going on this weekend.

First of all last night was the homecoming ballgame and a ballgame it was although tough at the end. Our guys had played with all of their heart and soul in front of a packed crowd! We lost 28 to 21 in OT on a very sketchy touchdown call by the ref. It did not appear that the panther crossed the goal line. What I can say is that our guys took their loss with dignity and grace which says a lot for our guys since Parkway did not take their's the same way. At one time their fans even booed us. I really hate to see when kids are taught bad sportsmanship. I am proud of our coaching staff for not allowing our kids to act that way win or loss.

The other BIG news of the night was the Sophomore class won the float competition. This will make the 2nd year in a row. I am glad all of their hard work paid off.

Jeff and Scotty left yesterday morning headed to Talledega, yes he got a play by play over the phone last night. Thanks to my great friend Marcy I was able to arrange a surprise visit with Michael today if all goes as planned. They will be returning on Monday.

So with Jeff gone and Hayden busy Mary Claire and I decided to have girls weekend. She came home with me after the parade, worked at the fish fry dinner with me and came back home with me after the game. We are already having much fun (putting on lipstick, perfume and spraying glitter in her hair). Her mom will not approve but at 10:00 last night she was having a chocolate milkshake and she got breakfast in bed this morning which consisted of a rice crispy treat. She has talked a lot about Stanton so far which just reminds me that I am not the only one who misses him dearly. They were the very best of friends and my heart hurts for her that she has had to face death at such an early age. If you sit any where around us at the ballgames you are in for a treat because there are kids everywhere, Elynn Kate, Mary Claire, Hollan, Haynes, Maddox, Will just to name a few. They are WILD!!! Don't get me wrong they have a great time and are funny to watch! As I watched last night I couldn't help but think, "Stanton should be right in the middle of that"! My heart aches for him so bad!

Off to spend the day with Mary Claire
Tina

Thursday, September 29, 2005 4:01 PM CDT

Another early update. I have been so tired when I get home that I have a hard time getting an update in no matter how much I have to say. I don’t remember Homecoming week being this stressful on my parents but I guess I would have to ask them..

Hayden is having so much fun this week. It does me good to see him have some normal teenage fun. I think they are really pumped up for the game tomorrow. The team they are playing is 4-0 so far. It should be a great game. Roll Tide Roll!

I also can’t tell you how much I love Hayden. He is an incredible young man who has been dealt a terrible hand in this game we call life. I don’t know if I could have done what he has the last few years, especially as a teenager. He is by far wise beyond his years. He comes in every night before he goes to bed and jumps (literally) in bed with me just to talk for a minute. Great conversations come during this time. He also never leaves in the morning without telling me he loves me. I think he has learned a little about tomorrow’s.

I cannot thank all of you who have offered words of support through calls, the guestbook and by email after last nights entry. This really means the world to me. I can’t put into words how hard that part of my life was to share with you. I knew it was something I needed to do, for myself more than anyone. I needed to admit that I am human and my feelings are so real. One thing that has been pointed out that I had not thought of (I was too busy focused on the negative) was that maybe God had placed this counselor in my path so that I would have someone that shared my beliefs rather than having someone else who might not. Just one more blessing to name.

I saw a quote and the first thing I thought of when I saw this was all of you who have continued to follow our journey through the good and bad. Those of you who have been there via cyberspace or friends close to home or those friends of mine that are more like family who live so far away, you are the ones I can count on when I need someone the most. So to all of you: “A friend is someone who reaches down and picks up when our open wings have forgotten how to fly.” Today, many of you have reached down and picked me. Thank you from the bottom of my heart.

I will close with an email that someone sent me today. It was just a reminder of the great place that Stanton is in and how much fun he must be having. I also was reminded that God is with us always, good times and bad. Sometimes I can almost envision Stanton sitting on my desk watching my every move. Laughing at my every tear. What a kid he was!!!
Sally jumped up as soon as she saw the surgeon come out of the operating room. She said: "How is my little boy? Is he going to be all right? When can I see him?"

The surgeon said, "I'm sorry. We did all we could, but your boy didn't make it."

Sally said, "Why do little children get cancer? Doesn't God care any more? Where were you, God, when my son needed you?"

The surgeon asked, "Would you like some time alone with your son? One of the nurses will be out in a few minutes, before he's transported to the university."

Sally asked the nurse to stay with her while she said good-bye to son. She ran her fingers lovingly through his thick red curly hair.

"Would you like a lock of his hair?" the nurse asked.

Sally nodded yes. The nurse cut a lock of the boy's hair, put it in a plastic bag and handed it to Sally. The mother said, "It was Jimmy's idea to donate his body to the university for study. He said it might help somebody else. "I said no at first, but Jimmy said, 'Mom, I won't be using it after I die. Maybe it will help some other little boy spend one more day with his Mom." She went on, "My Jimmy had a heart of gold. Always thinking of someone else. Always wanting to help others if he could."

Sally walked out of Children's mercy Hospital for the last time, after spending most of the last six months there. She put the bag with Jimmy's belongings on the seat beside her in the car. The drive home was difficult It was even harder to enter the empty house. She carried Jimmy's belongings, and the plastic bag with the lock of his hair to her son's room. She started placing the model cars and other personal things back in his room exactly where he had always kept them. She laid down across his bed and, hugging his pillow, cried herself to sleep.

It was around midnight when Sally awoke. Laying beside her on the bed was a folded letter. The letter said:

"Dear Mom, I know you're going to miss me; but don't think that I will ever forget you, or stop loving you, just 'cause I'm not around to say I LOVE YOU. I will always love you, Mom, even more with each day. Someday we will see each other again. Until then, if you want to adopt a little boy so you won't be so lonely, that's okay with me. He can have my room and old stuff to play with. But, if you decide to get a girl instead, she probably wouldn't like the same things us boys do. You'll have to buy her dolls and stuff girls like, you know. Don't be sad thinking about me. This really is a neat place. Grandma and Grandpa met me as soon as I got here and showed me around some, but it will take a long time to see everything. The angels are so cool. I love to watch them fly. And, you know what? Jesus doesn't look like any of his pictures. Yet, when I saw Him, I knew it was Him. Jesus himself took me to see GOD! And guess what, Mom? I got to sit on God's knee and talk to Him,! like I was somebody important. That's when I told Him that I wanted to write you a letter, to tell you good-bye and everything. But I already knew that wasn't allowed. Well, you know what Mom? God handed me some paper and His own personal pen to write you this letter. I think Gabriel is the name of the angel who is going to drop this letter off to you. God said for me to give you the answer to one of the questions you asked Him 'Where was He when I needed him?' "God said He was in the same place with me, as when His son Jesus was on the cross. He was right there, as He always is with all His children.

Oh, by the way, Mom, no one else can see what I've written except you. To everyone else this is just a blank piece of paper. Isn't that cool? I have to give God His pen back now. He needs it to write some more names in the Book of Life. Tonight I get to sit at the table with Jesus for supper. I'm, sure the food will be great.

Oh, I almost forgot to tell you. I don't hurt anymore. The cancer is all gone. I'm glad because I couldn't stand that pain anymore and God couldn't stand to see me hurt so much, either. That's when He sent The Angel of Mercy to come get me. The Angel said I was a Special Delivery! How about that?
Signed with Love from: God, Jesus &Me.

Learning How to Fly Again
Tina

Wednesday, September 28, 2005 3:44 PM CDT

I am not quite sure where to start this afternoon. Our life is pretty hectic right now which you would think would be a good thing for me but it is not working. I am unable to get my mind off of Stanton and how much I miss him. I think about the things he would be doing now. How much he would be loving watching Dakota and Hayden play “hut hut” (football). The stores are filling with toys and I look at all of the things he would have loved.

I guess the above paragraph tells you a little of my state of mind. What I am going to share now is something that I haven’t shared with a whole lot of people. Why? I guess for me it feels like a weakness. I have been seeing a counselor for a while now. It took a long time for me to admit that this might be something that I would benefit from. In my head I didn’t need a counselor, I could get through this with just me and God. Don’t get me wrong, God is still the focus of my healing which is why I like my counselor so. He is a great Christian man who has all of the same beliefs that I have and knows how strongly I feel about those beliefs. As much as I thought I didn’t need it, I do leave after each session feeling a weight lifted. He can usually pin point exactly what kind of week I have had and goes from there. We end each session with a prayer so I leave on a high note. So, there it is. I am not the person you all thought I was. I am not as strong as everyone thinks. I wish I could be. I have all of the right answers, they are just locked in my heart and my head just can’t line up. I am sorry if I have let any of you down. One thing we talked about today is the fact that I put on a front to try to please everyone and not let them see me cry. I guess I do this for everyone else. It keeps people from having to wonder what to say. I am often reminded that God probably grieved for His son as well and that I am only human. So, for what it is worth I hope you all think no less of me. I am still the same person just opening up my heart a little more.

I will continue to share my devotions that touch me in special ways. Today’s is pretty short but it gets right to the point. “God has proven himself as a faithful Father. Now it falls on us to be trusting children.” This couldn’t have been more perfect for me today. I am so thankful that God is a loving and forgiving Father who not only knows but feels my pain and emotions. He knows my weaknesses and doesn’t judge me for them. What he does is reach beyond those weaknesses and picks me up when I feel like I can’t stand. He carries me when I can’t walk and He holds me when I cannot sleep. Most of all because of His love for me I one day will be with Stanton again and what a glorious time that will be.

Weak
Tina

If you haven’t heard on the news yet, the next tropical storm is starting to develop in the Caribbean and guess what it’s name will be, Stan! I am afraid of what or where this one will go.

Tuesday, September 27, 2005 8:09 PM CDT

Okay, tonight is short and sweet. I did make it to work at 5 but am paying the price for it now. I did have a big surprise this evening though, my daddy came home!!!!!!!!! I was so glad to see him but I think he may have been even happier to be home. I am not sure of his future plans. I know he will be taking a trailor to Beaumont and then coming back but then another several week trip may come after that. I won't worry about that, I will just enjoy his time at home.

I read something that another angel mom wrote today and it touched me right to the core. "Most people only dream of angels, I got to hold one in my arms!" Oh how very true this is. Stanton was our little angel here on earth and how blessed we were.

Thank you for continuing to check on us. We still take it one step at a time.

Blessed by an Angel
Tina

Monday, September 26, 2005 7:56 PM CDT

I almost went to bed and forgot to update. I have to be at work at 5 in the morning and for anyone that knows me you know that this will be a very difficult thing!

First of all thank you for everyone who ate at Chili's tonight. In Bossier it seemed like a steady flow of people. This is a HUGE fundraiser for St. Jude.

Homecoming activities have begun so Hayden spent the evening working on the float. I know they are having so much fun.

With all of these hurricanes I have spent much time thinking about all of the evacuees and what they have lost. Part of me can't help but compare their loss to mine and then realizing that they can't compare. I would have given up everything that I have to keep Stanton here with me. Obviously God had other plans which I still am coming to terms with. Since I have been thinking about this alot the following email seemed appropriate to share with you. It is long but worth reading:

Katrina Can Teach Us ~
by Max Lucado

Who would have thought we would ever hear this phrase spoken on a radio news report in America: "Today, about 25,000 refugees were moved from the Superdome in New Orleans to the Astrodome in Houston."

For days, we've watched the tragedy continue to unfold in Mississippi and Louisiana and, if you are like me, you've wrestled with feelings of shock and disbelief. feelings that, over the last five years, have become all too familiar. We were barely into the new millennium when we saw towers falling in New York City and planes crashing into the Pentagon and the Pennsylvania farmland. We saw bombs over Baghdad and witnessed the ancient land of Abraham become a war zone for his ancestors. You'd think we had seen enough, but then came the tsunami--a roaring wave that sucked life and innocence out to sea.

And now the fruits of Katrina. A city sitting in twenty feet of water. Citizens hacking their way onto roofs and helicopters hovering over neighborhoods. Optimistic rescuers, opportunistic looters, grateful people, resentful people--we have seen it all.

And many have seen it up close. Katrina came to San Antonio in the form of 12,500 evacuees. Many of you are meeting them, feeding them, writing checks, and manning shifts. And you, as much as any, have reason to wonder. What is going on here? 9/11, Iraq, tsunami, Katrina. And I didn't mention nor intend to minimize Hurricanes Dennis and Ivan and Emily.

Jesus criticized the leaders of his day for focusing on the weather and ignoring the signals: "You find it easy enough to forecast the weather--why can't you read the signs of the times?" Matthew 16:2-3 (MSG).

What are we to learn from all of this? Is God sending us a message? I think so. And, I think we'd be wise to pay attention. There are some spiritual lessons that I think God would want us to learn through this tragedy. The first lesson we see is.

I. The Nature of Possessions: Temporary

As you've listened to evacuees and survivors, have you noticed their words? No one laments a lost plasma television or submerged SUV. No one runs through the streets yelling, "My cordless drill is missing" or "My golf clubs have washed away." If they mourn, it is for people lost. If they rejoice, it is for people found.

Could Jesus be reminding us that people matter more than possessions? In a land where we have more malls than high schools, more debt than credit, more clothes to wear than we can wear, could Christ be saying:

"Watch out! Be on your guard against all kinds of greed; a man's life does not consist in the abundance of his possessions" (Luke 12:15)?

We see an entire riverboat casino washed up three blocks and placed on top of a house in a neighborhood. You see demolished $40,000 cars that will never be driven again, hidden in debris. And in the background of our minds we hear the quiet echoes of Jesus saying, "What good will it be for a man if he gains the whole world, yet forfeits his soul?" (Matthew 16:26).

Raging hurricanes and broken levees have a way of prying our fingers off the stuff we love. What was once most precious now means little; what we once ignored is now of eternal significance.

A friend and I attended a worship service at Antioch Baptist Church last Sunday night. Several African American Church leaders had organized an assembly to pray for the evacuees that have ended up in San Antonio. Many of them sat on the front rows. dressed in all the clothing they owned: T-shirts, jeans. Their faces were weary from the week. But when the music started and the worship began, they came to their feet and sang with tears in their eyes.

They were rich. Are you that rich? Were all your possessions washed away, could you still worship? Would you still worship? If not, you are holding things too tightly: "Tell those rich in this world's wealth to quit being so full of themselves and so obsessed with money, which is here today and gone tomorrow. Tell them to go after God, who piles on all the riches we could ever manage--to do good, to be rich in helping others, to be extravagantly generous. If they do that, they'll build a treasury that will last, gaining life that is truly life" (1 Timothy 6:17-19 MSG).

Through Katrina, Christ tells us: stuff doesn't matter; people do. Understand the nature of possessions. Be equally clear on:

II. The Nature of People: Sinners and Saints

We see the most incredible servants and stories of selflessness and sacrifice. We see people of the projects rescuing their neighbors, we see civil servants risking their lives for people they've never seen. My wife Denalyn and I toured a shelter supervised by one of our neighbors here in San Antonio. We met a family of some twenty cousins and siblings.

One six-year-old girl told Denalyn about the helicopter man who plucked her off a third story porch and lifted her to safety.

That child will never know who that man is. He'll never seek any applause. He saved her life. All in a day's work. We saw humanity at its best. And we saw humanity at its worst.

Looting. Fighting. We heard stories of rapes and robberies. Someone said, "The heavens declare the glory of God but the streets declare the sinfulness of man." The video footage in New Orleans has confirmed the truthfulness of that quote. Can you imagine not being able to sleep in the Superdome for fear that someone might try to rape your daughter if she went to the restroom in the middle of the night?

We are people of both dignity and depravity. The hurricane blew back more than roofs; it blew the mask off the nature of mankind. The main problem in the world is not Mother Nature, but human nature. Strip away the police barricades, blow down the fences, and the real self is revealed. We are barbaric to the core.

We were born with a me-first mentality. You don't have to teach your kids to argue. They don't have to be trained to demand their way. You don't have to show them how to stomp their feet and pout, it is their nature. indeed it is all of our nature to do so. "All of us have strayed like sheep. We have left God's paths to follow our own" (Isaiah 53:6).

God's chosen word for our fallen condition has three letters- s-I-n. Sin celebrates the letter in the middle. "I". Left to our own devices, we lead a godless, out of control life of ".doing what we felt like doing, when we felt like doing it" (Ephesians 2:3 MSG).

You don't have to go to New Orleans to see the chaos. Because of sin, the husband ignores his wife, grown men seduce the young. The young proposition the old. When you do what you want and I do what I want, humanity and civility implodes.

And when the Katrinas of life blown in, our true nature is revealed and our deepest need is unveiled: a need deeper than food, more permanent than firm levees. We need, not a new system, but a new nature. We need to be changed from the inside out. Which takes us to the third message of Katrina:

III. The Nature of God's Grace: Inside Out

Much discussion revolves around the future of New Orleans. Will the city be restored? Repaired? How long will it take? Who will pay for it? One thing is for certain: someone has to clean her up.

No one is suggesting otherwise. Everyone knows, someone has to go in a clean up the mess. That is what God offers to do with us. He comes into sin-flooded lives and washes away the old. Paul reflected on his conversion and he wrote: "He gave us a good bath, and we came out of it new people, washed inside and out by the Holy Spirit" (Titus 3:5). Our sins stand no chance against the fire hoses of God's grace.

But he does more than cleanse us; he rebuilds us. In the form of his Holy Spirit, God moves in and starts a complete renovation project. "God can do anything, you know--far more than you could ever imagine or guess or request in your wildest dreams! He does it not by pushing us around but by working within us, his Spirit deeply and gently within us." (Ephesians 3:20 MSG).

And what we can only dream of doing with New Orleans, God has done with soul after soul, and he will do so with you, if you let him.

The most disturbing stories from the last week are of those who refused to be rescued. Those who spent their final hours trapped in attics and rooms regretting the choice they'd made. They could have been saved. They could have gotten out. but they chose to stay. Many paid a permanent price.

You don't have to pay that price. What rescuers did for people on the Gulf Coast, God will do for you. He has entered your world. He has dropped a rope into your sin-swamped life. He will rescue, you simply need to do what that little girl did, let him lift you out.

I mentioned my visit to Antioch Baptist Church last Sunday night. A local minister, Pastor L. A. Williams gave a message on this one verse: "But Noah found grace in the eyes of the Lord." (Gen. 6:8).

The minister helped us see all the things Noah could not find because of the flood. He could not find his neighborhood. He could not find his house. He could not find the comforts of home or the people down the street--there was much he could not find. But what he could find made all the difference. Noah found grace in the eyes of the Lord. Noah found grace in the eyes of God. If you have everything and no grace, you have nothing. If you have nothing but grace, you have everything.

Have you found grace? If not, I urge you to do what that little girl told us she did. When the rescuer appeared on her porch, she grabbed him, closed her eyes, and held on. That's all you need to do. And if you never have, and would like to, I urge you to reach for the hand of your rescuer, Jesus Christ.

Your Redeemer lives, too. This hurricane was his tool to get your attention. Trust in Him while you still can.

Reaching for His hand
Tina

Sunday, September 25, 2005 10:13 AM CDT

MONDAY SEPT.26: DON"T FORGET TO EAT AT CHILI"S TONIGHT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

What an exciting day we had yesterday! Not really, just a lot of wind and rain. Jeff had to work so Hayden and I just hung out in the house. We lost power for about an hour which was not bad. For Hayden you would have thought it was the end of the world. So minor compared to what most people in the path of these 2 hurricanes are facing.

Hayden got me a book for my birthday that I started reading yesterday. It actually is 3 Max Lucado books combined. The first one being "The Applause of Heaven". I haven't quite finished it but it has been very good so far. It is a book about the Beatitudes with a description of each. There were so many sentences I would read and say, "yes that is me". I loved the section that talked about God taking ordinary people and using them to do extraoridinary things. These people just have to be willing to listen to what God wants them to do and do it without question. Faith beyond understanding. I think of all of the ways today that God uses an everyday person to touch me in ways that are incredible. I also think of all of us who are just ordinary and are we stepping up to God's calling. Just a thought!

This is homecoming week at the High School which means a very busy week for Hayden which also means a very busy week for us. Please pray for the safety of all of the kids as they are out and about this week.

Please continue to pray for my daddy. I know his weeks are getting long and I can imagine that as much as we miss him he misses us the same. I think his future destination is undetermined at the moment. I don't think they will be where they are long.

Just and Ordinary person
Tina

Friday, September 23, 2005 9:51 PM CDT

Okay, I know it has been a while since I last gave you a good update about what is going on in our world. To say this week has been hard would be an understatement. Emma Grace’s birthday hit me really hard. I had every intention of writing my remembrance of her birthday last year and just couldn’t do it so I will today.

Last year we were all in Memphis for her Birthday and as things go in Memphis you really don’t make too many plans too far in advance so at the last minute Trish and I were trying to put together a memorable birthday party. Barney was the KING of the grill at the house so we knew supper would not be a problem, but what else would we do and who should we invite. Well, to make things simple, we did whatever Emma Grace wanted and invited everyone she wanted. It was a great evening shared with many great friends. The silly string war was one to beat and the kids had a blast! Stanton and Emma Grace loved to shoot the silly string but wanted no part of getting shot. If I remember correctly there was a point when Stanley showed up and wouldn’t have anything to do with anybody. This ended when Mrs. Donna (Ashley’s mom) and Dr. Floyd brought Stanton a birthday gift for him to open. It was a party to beat all parties. I guess you learn that when your child has an illness with no cure to do things right all of the time. We never in our wildest dreams realized that this would be Emma Grace’s last earthly birthday. I miss that little girl more than many of you can even begin to imagine.

With missing Emma Grace so comes the feelings of missing Stanton as well. The hole that has been left in my heart seems to be getting bigger and bigger and nothing I am doing is helping. I don’t understand how my heart can have all of the answers but my head just can’t get it done.

I know this may sound crazy to many of you but I feel like something is missing (besides Stanton) and that I need to get a handle on what it is. I am so afraid that I am going to miss out on the wonderful plan God must have in store. I know there is something so much bigger to do but what is it? Please just pray for peace beyond my understanding on this.

I also have this family from South Louisiana that I kind of adopted when I met the little boy. I am watching them try to start a new life from scratch and it has also been pretty hard. I know what they are going through is tough and they tell me that I don’t really understand and I guess I don’t. I would rather have given up everything I own and still have Stanton. What was taken from them can be replaced, what was taken from me can’t. There is a lot of discord in this family and the easy thing for me to do would be to walk away, but there is a 7 year old little boy and 2 teenage girls that have found a place in this broken heart of mine. I can’t walk away from them. My heart just longs for a stable life for them. I also have worked so hard with this family and don’t seem to be making any progress. Michael has been to Wed. night church a few times and loved it but the rest just won’t come. I guess this bothers me to because I feel like a failure. I guess this would be another prayer request. Pray that God will show me the way with this family and His plans that he has for me being there for them.

Hayden had a varsity football game tonight as you all know. They played their first district game against Bossier. It was a great game with Minden coming out on top 28 to 19. The whole team played an amazing game but I will have to brag a little bit. Jeff’s little brother, Dakota (I only called him Jeff’s brother to keep the confusion down because I consider him my little brother) played an incredible game. He had several receptions with one being for a touchdown. Dakota-I continue to be so very proud of you and your accomplishments. I knew you had it in you! I actually had more fun at the ballgame tonight than I have had in a while. I couldn't help but think about how much fun Stanton would have been having watching the football game but I am pretty sure he might have been riding on Dakota's shoulder right in the middle of things.

I want to end with the words to a song that I have never heard but will be looking for. It was sent by another angel mom and I don’t think it could have been said any better. I believe it is by Josh Groban.

Remember

Remember, I will still be here
As long as you hold me, in your memory

Remember, when your dreams have ended
Time can be transcended
Just remember me

I am the one star that keeps burning, so brightly, It is the last light, to fade into the rising sun

I'm with you
Whenever you tell, my story

Remember, I will still be here
As long as you hold me, in your memory
Remember me

I am the one voice in the cold wind, that whispers And if you listen, you'll hear me call across the sky

As long as I still can reach out, and touch you Then I will never die

Remember, I'll never leave you
If you will only
Remember me

Remember me...

Remember, I will still be here
As long as you hold me
In your memory

Remember, when your dreams have ended
Time can be transcended
I live forever
Remember me

Remember me
Remember... me...

Please also remember to keep all of us in your prayers with Hurricane Rita. Although we are not in south La. we are supposed to be getting a tremendous amount of rain this weekend.

Remembering
Tina

Thursday, September 22, 2005 9:03 PM CDT

Friday Morning: First of all I want to say a big thank you to my precious son, Hayden. As I was sitting there last night knowing I had promised you all an update and knowing that I had so much to share my head hurt so bad. He said with no prompting, "Mom you go on to bed I will update for you tonight" I also have to say that I have been in a real pit for a couple of weeks now and Hayden has taken it in stride. He has hugged me when I needed to be hugged, he has made me laugh when I wanted to cry and he has been with me rather than let me be alone. How blessed can one mom be! I do have so much to share with you and it looks like I should have time this weekend. I sure do hope you all Instant Message some because if you don't you may have to have Hayden's update interpretted! He doesn't have English this block but Mrs. Greer, if you are reading this you have your work cut out for you! Hayden-I love you!

I also wanted to clarify what he meant about the hurricane. We were supposed to get to meet my daddy this weekend for a short visit that has been cancelled. I was pretty upset!

Still Broken but Still Blessed
Tina

Hey everyone mammas sick so ur stuck with hayden.. today is been just a not good day for any of us 1 me n mommma just dont feel good we all miss stanton so much.. and the little bit of hope we had to see people was taken away by another hurricane. gahh i realy hate thouse. i realy miss him.

Well tomorrow night is some more football!!! We play at Bossier high this week at 7. its gonna be a good game and our first district game we are excited and ready . EVERYONE NEEDS TO COME SUPPORT THE TIDE.

Ok mommma dont no this but uhh im gonna advertise a little bit... the football team is selling hamburger suppers before one of the home games..they are $5 so0o please call me if you want some 3183775001

missing
hayden

Thursday, September 22, 2005 8:53 AM CDT

This will be my short and sweet update! Sorry I didn't get one done last night but my adopted evacuee family has gotten an apartment and I, thought not feeling very well have been trying to help then establish some normalcy in their lives. Shae and Lacy are adrorable and I enjoy every minute spent with them. Michael, as you know wraps me up in his big brown eyes.

Our balloon release went great for Emma Grace went good last night. Claire I hate we missed you. It was just Hayden and I and we released the balloons and just watched them dance in the sky until we couldn't see them anymore, remembering the lives of 2 incredible little angels. Oh how my heart misses them!

Check back tonight because I will have an update with some quiet time thoughts in it. They will come from "Chicken Soup For the Nascar Soul". Yes, I think that makes me an official redneck.

Hope you all have a blessed day,
Tina

Tuesday, September 20, 2005 9:26 PM CDT

Okay tonight will be short and sweet as I feel HORRIBLE!!! This bug is really getting the best of me. I did start an antibiotic today which I hope helps.

I am already anticipating a very difficult day tomorrow. Don't forget to wear pink and purple in honor of Emma Grace's birthday. We will be releasing balloons at the angel garden tomorrow, I am shooting for about 5:15.

I will close with an email I got:

ONE. Give people more than they expect and do it cheerfully.

TWO. Marry a man/woman you love to talk to. As you get older, their conversational skills will be as important as any other.

THREE. Don't believe all you hear, spend all you have or sleep all you want.

FOUR. When you say, "I love you," mean it.

FIVE. When you say, "I'm sorry," look the person in the eye.

SIX. Be engaged at least six months before you get married.

SEVEN. Believe in love at first sight.

EIGHT. Never laugh at anyone's dream. People who don't have dreams don't have much.

NINE. Love deeply and passionately. You might get hurt but it's the only way to live life completely.

TEN.. In disagreements, fight fairly. No name calling.

ELEVEN. Don't judge people by their relatives.

TWELVE. Talk slowly but think quickly.

THIRTEEN. When someone asks you a question you don't want to answer, smile and ask, "Why do you want to know?"

FOURTEEN. Remember that great love and great achievements involve great risk.

FIFTEEN. Say "bless you" when you hear someone sneeze.

SIXTEEN. When you lose, don't lose the lesson

SEVENTEEN. Remember the three R's: Respect for self; Respect for others; and responsibility for all your actions.

EIGHTEEN. Don't let a little dispute injure a great friendship.

NINETEEN. When you realize you've made a mistake, take immediate steps to correct it.

TWENTY. Smile when picking up the phone. The caller will hear it in your voice.

TWENTY-ONE. Spend some time alone.

Loving and Missing Stanton, Emma Grace and Zoie so very much!

Tina

Monday, September 19, 2005 7:41 PM CDT

Good evening to all! I hope you all have had a blessed day. Me, I haven’t felt too hot so it has been a long one for me. My guess is I now have the virus that has been going around. Things are too hectic at work to stay home so I will just have to tough it out.

Hayden had a JV game tonight. Let's just say it was not pretty (hint they quit keeping score) and it was not in favor of Hayden and team. Let's just hope this is no indication of what Friday night will be.

This morning as I was having my morning meltdown I once again was led to a devotion that just help things make sense, or the most sense that they can make sometimes. Right now I don’t know if my life will ever make sense anymore or am I living in a dream world even believing that it ever made sense to start with.. DO I have you all good and confused by now? This devotion came from a book by Diane Komp who is a pediatric oncologist and I haven’t read anything from her that I haven’t loved. She puts a lot of her books and devotions into the eyes of a child with cancer or from what she has learned from these children and we all know that knowledge can be great. I am not going to quote the whole devotion because it was pretty long but she told of a story about a time when she was in Greece. She was on an unfamiliar road and came upon an older woman who spoke no English and she spoke no Greek. She goes on to tell how they spent some time together and even the fact that they couldn’t communicate verbally, so much was said and learned. She ended by comparing this story to God’s journey that He has for each of us. Sometimes it is not while we are on the straight and wide roads that we are at our best or learning the most but it is when we miss a turn or somehow end up on a small, winding and unfamiliar road is where we learn the most about the journey that we are on. I can’t even tell you the last time I felt like I was on a wide straight road. I am and will forever be blessed by the lessons learned from the winding small road that I have been on for some time now. I encourage you if you are on a winding road to keep looking up God will show you the way and who knows what blessings you might come upon. If you are riding smoothly on the straight road I encourage you to look up and give all of the credit to the one leading your way but don't get discouraged if your journey takes a turn.

Counting my blessings
Tina

Sunday, September 18, 2005 6:32 PM CDT

Good evening I hope you have all had a wonderful Lord's day. I must say mine has been okay. This morning it was like our Sunday School lesson and sermone were meant directly for me. I love how God know just what I need to hear.

As you all know last week was very difficult for me. Our SS lesson was the finishing touches on lesson's on suffering and God's presence during these times. It was a hard lesson but one that I needed to hear and be a part of. The sermon was about times of discouragement, I have certainly had my times of those this past year. Needless to say I left church more assured than ever that God is good and that he loves me more than anything.

Now I want to say a little something about another very special person in my life. I know I talked a little about my daddy last week and I wanted to share with you all just how blessed I am. I know there are so many children in today's society that have no parents or ones that don't seem to love them much but I am a very blessed woman. I am loved my so many men and one of those I also call Father. This would be my favorite father-in-law, O.H. After having been married for over 16 years it is really hard to put that in-law on the end of that. He is so much more than that. He has always been there to support Jeff and I in all that we have ever done. He has also been there for us while Stanton was sick. It was almost a given that every single morning at about 8:30 if the phone rang it was him. We would drive him crazy if he would try all day and we wouldn't answer. He was also a HUGE help with Hayden. He took him in like his own son and never once complained. This was a big deal seeing as he was already living with one teenage boy. I have yet to determine how they managed to pay for the groceries. I say all of this to let you all know how much he loves me. He called me on my birthday and sang the entire birthday song to me. He has never done this for anybody before. O.H.-thank you for always loving me as your own daughter. I couldn't have picked a father-in-law that I could have loved any more than I do you. Thanks for continuing to be there for us while we try to learn to live without Stanton.

Hayden plays JV ball tomorrow night so we will be busy but I will update more tomorrow.

Wondering How Much I Can Possibly Miss Stanton
Tina

I guess I can't say all of this without also saying thanks to Debbie (O.H.'s wife) who also put up with Hayden all of that time as well and loves us as well!

Saturday, September 17, 2005 10:24 AM CDT

Well, I promised an update this morning so here goes. Yesterday was an okay day. Last night was pretty good. First of all I got the ballgame to see my precious nieces all dressed in their cheerleader uniforms. Hollan actually had on a cheerleader dress but they are all adorable. Mary Claire actually tried to do every move that the cheerleaders did. She is getting better.

Now to the game, Minden won 42 to 0. It was a great game. Dakota had a great catch for a touchdown! He continues to make me so proud. Hayden actually got to play in a Varsity game. We thought he made 2 good tackles but he informed us he had 3.

The devotion I promised is called "What a God!"

Psalm 89:8

Lord God All powerful, who is like you? Lord, you are powerful and completely trustworthy.

Ponder the achievements of God.

He doesn't condone our sin, nor does he compromise his standard.

He doesn't ignore our rebellion, nor does he relax his demands.

Rather than dismiss our sin, he assumes our sin and, incredibly, sentences himself.

God's holiness is honored. Our sin is punished...and we are redeemed.

God does what we cannot do so what we can be what we dare not dream: perfect before God.

I guess this devotional just put things into a perspective that I could really understand or that it just really hit me that, yes one day I will be perfect before God thanks for all that He had chosen to do for me.

Longing to be perfect
Tina

Friday, September 16, 2005 9:10 AM CDT

Okay Okay I know I am supposed to update at night but some nights there is just not enough time or that I really need my sleep. Last night was a mixture of both.

Yesterday was actually a better day for me spirit wise. Once again I just feel like I am on a roller coaster. We'll see what version today will be. It has already started off not do good as I missed my daddy's call this morning and he doesn't get a chance to call often. Boy how I miss him. Many of you have asked how he is doing. I guess he is doing okay but I know he is very homesick. I think the same goes for me and mom as well. My guess would be that this stems from us spending so much time apart from him for the last 2 years. I can never tell you enough how much of a daddy's girl I am and will always be. He has been such an incredible role model for me and my sister all of our livcs and we couldn't ask him to love our children any more than he does. What more could we ask for in a daddy who loves us no matter what we do or if he approves (I think that is called unconditional love), that will do anything we ask him to do although we have husbands that should take care of some of those things and who will drop everything to make sure we are taken care of. He does these things for us but for our children as well. He and Hayden have a very special bond that will never be broken. That comes from Hayden being daddy's first boy and the only grandchild for 10 years. We lived next door to his shop until Hayden was 5 so he has spent many many hours with daddy. I love to listent to the stories of things that they did that stand out in his mind. Things that I don't remember and daddy possibly doesn't either but Hayden does. To this day, (or at least until daddy left) once a week Hayden would get up early (school or not) to go have breakfast with daddy. The people at McDonald's know what they get and exactly how much it costs. I didn't mean to go on and on but oh well. Once again I can never say enough of my daddy and how proud I am of him for not only making this commitment but sticking to it although times have been hard. Daddy-I love and miss you so very much. Stay safe and we can't wait for you to come home.

Hayden has a varsity football game tonight at Minden. It is supposed to be a pretty good game I think. Hayden is very excited and still having so much fun playing football.

If I don't get to update tonight I promise to update in the morning and include my devotional from this morning. It was another good one about how we can strive to be like Jesus while here at our temporary home.

Love you all
Tina

Wednesday, September 14, 2005 8:29 PM CDT

Today was a little better than the last couple of days. Once again no big reason why just was. I can thank my friend Trish for letting you all know that yesterday was my birthday. I think it was payback for when I did the same for her. It was actually kind of uplifting on a very difficult day so thank you for all of your kind words.

I had the joy of taking my little friend Michael back to church tonight and he once again was precious. He already can't wait to go back and was so excited when I told him he was going to get to go Sunday morning.

I have been promising you my devotional from "Grace for the Moment" so I decided that I wouldn't make you wait any longer. Remember that this is the one from Monday morning that I was having such a hard time and went looking for God's guidance.

John 12:24

Unless a grain of wheat falls into the earth and dies, it remains a single grain of wheat; but if it dies it brings a good harvest.

We do all we can to live and not die. God, however, says we must die in order to live. When you sow a seed, it must die in the ground before it can grow. What we see aas the ultimate tragedy, he sees as the ultimate triumph.

And when a Christian dies, it's not a time to despair, but a time to trust. Just as the seed is buried and the material wrapping decomposes, so our fleshly body will be buried and will decompose. But just as the buried seed sprouts new life, so our body will blossom into a new body....

The seed buried in the earth will blossom in heaven. Your soul and body will reunite, and you will be just like Jesus.

Imagining Stanton just like Jesus
Tina

Tuesday, September 13, 2005 8:40 PM CDT

Good evening! I hope all of you had a great day! I wish I could say that mine was better but the truth of the matter is it was not. So many people were there for me today and did whatever they could to brighten my day and for those of you I thank you from the very bottom of my heart. I know this is just one of those times when I am in a valley and it will take time and much prayer to at least head back up the mountain. I just don’t think I ever though that much about pain and I can honestly tell you that I have never ever hurt so bad in all of my life. As I look at the pictures of Stanton I just fall in love all over again and can’t help but think of what an amazing kid he was and how I would love to have him cuddle up next to me in bed. I know that he would say no way Mom, I am never leaving this wonderful place I am in and of course I would not blame him.

This made me once again think about Jesus and how he suffered and how much pain he was in when he asked God to take it all away. As painful as this must have been I can’t even begin to imagine his thoughts when after being cruxcified his father told him “now you are going back”. I know that when I get to experience heaven earth will not be a place I want to come back to.

I know I promised you a “Grace for the Moment” devotional and I will get to that but once again, God has placed another devotional in my lap today and after the pain that I have suffered today more than usual and the tears I have shed I couldn’t help but share this one on Pain.

This devotional describes ways in which God uses pain for our good. I know in the midst of a great trial or suffering you don’t want to know how God is using this for good, you just want Him to make it better but I hope this helps. I know it sure helped me,

Tuesday September 13, 2005
The Purpose of Pain
MATTHEW 16:24-27

God, if You love me, why must I endure pain? This question preoccupies
many believers in their darkest hours of need. While pain comes in
different forms and has different durations, suffering always comes with an
objective greater than our comfort, pleasure, or personal goals. If we
seek God's purpose for grief, we will find both His peace and His deep
love for us.

Pain instructs. Christ's sufficiency is more apparent during times of
suffering than in the midst of blessing. Discovering God's faithful
provision strengthens our resolve to endure.

Pain purifies. Counterfeit faith cannot withstand hardship's flames.
Like gold in a refiner's fire, suffering believers experience the burning
away of impurities until only things of value remain. Trials bring into
focus the truth about the world we live in, the nature of the people we
meet, and the incomparable worth of the Lord.

Pain motivates. Pain drives us to God. How often do we hear testimony
from people who discovered Him during their worst trial? In His wisdom,
our Father knows whether we require motivation from blessing or from
distress.

Pain opens us to intimacy with God. At the end of our own resources is
the Lord's boundless strength. Running into His arms guarantees us the
comfort and energy that is available only through an intimate
relationship with the Father.

Living an easy life doesn't earn rewards. Though our instinct is to
sidestep pain, suffering helps us find intimacy with God and the great
purpose He sets for our life.

I have a very special prayer request for someone whom I have never met but we do communicate through a neuroblastoma angels group. His name is Al and he is a single father who just lost his 24 year old daughter who also had MS to neuroblastoma. Her name was Sara and she had a very rough few last weeks. On top of this Al also had to care for Sara’a daughter, Brie (not sure of her age). The week that Sara passed away they learned that Brie also had MS. This week she is in ICU on a ventilator with encephalitis due to meningitis I believe. You can’t imagine how close you get to these cyberspace friends who have gone through the same tragedy that you have and how my heart aches for this poor father. All I can think of is how much my daddy loves me and how hard it was for him not to be able to fix Stanton and make everything better for me. Speaking of daddy he is still in South Louisiana and may be there until October. I miss him terribly and can’t wait for him to come home. I have talked to him a few times and tried to be strong without much luck. Once again, I am so very proud of him as always.

Suffering but still looking for the plan
Tina

Monday, September 12, 2005 9:09 PM CDT

I think since my journal has always been a place that I can open my heart out and share I will keep it that way. I truly enjoy the support I get from so many and how better for you to support me than to know what is going on in my warped mind.

I hear people often say how good we are all doing and for the most part I agree with that statement to a degree. I don’t know that any of us are doing “good”, we are just making it the best way that we know how. I think for the most part I am still the most emotional member of our family and still am having a very hard time accepting the fact that Stanton is gone and that I will never again hold him on this earth. There are days that I do better but today had been one of those days when I just can’t seem to get it together or get my mind off of him. It started this morning where I just let myself have complete meltdown. I know that for me this is a necessary occurrence every now and then. I know that this is a mountain that I cannot go around and I am either going to have to go right through it or slowly make my way over it which appears to be what I am doing. As I sat on my bed hugging Stanton’s blanket and crying I knew what my next step had to be for me to start the day. I turned to God and His word. As usual under these circumstance I grabbed my “Grace for the Moment” because it always seems to have exactly what I need to hear on any given day. Today was no exception and that is what I was going to share with you tonight but you will have to wait until tomorrow. I read that, then went to my bible to read the surrounding verses and then I started trying to talk to God. It was really a one sided conversation because I did not have much to say. You know there are times when there just are no words but God knows so this morning I followed the command of the verse “Be still and know that I am God”. I wish I could say I had an overwhelming peace but that was not the case, but what I did have was the strength to get up, get dressed and start my day. Other than just trying to stay focused the day has been okay in general.

Hayden woke up with his neck still very sore but the only medicine I could get for him he can’t take at school so I know he is miserable and probably a little aggravated with me. We really had a great weekend with most of the weekend being spent with just the 2 of us and once again, I was reminded of what an incredible kid that he really is but that he is still hurting very badly as well. He had a junior varsity game tonight. He did not get to start but once he came into the game he made some very good plays.

Now on to why you don’t get to read my morning devotion; when I checked my email for my morning devotions I couldn’t believe the title of one and as I read I couldn’t believe the content. God knew how much I was going to need Him today so he sent me another devotion centered entirely around many of my struggles so I thought I would share it with you. I read the story of Jesus in the Garden of Gethsemane a lot because it is a reminder that Jesus was a person just like you and I. He also called God “Father” just as you and I do. He suffered pain just like you and I do. I started to say that I cannot imagine how aggravated he got to know that God could take away all of his pain and suffering and yet he didn’t but I guess I do know how frustrating and aggravating that can be. He realized and accepted that it is God’s will not his that had to be. It took me some time to come to this and say that prayer but it is one that is part of my daily prayer life now whatever I am praying for. God it is your will not mine. I know by praying this prayer I may be setting myself up for more heartache here on this earth but as I mentioned last night this earth is so temporary I am willing to do whatever God needs me to so that I can spend eternity in heaven.

Monday September 12, 2005
A Lesson From Gethsemane
MATTHEW 26:36-46

Sometimes following the path God sets for believers requires that we
trek through a personal Gethsemane. In the Garden of that name, Jesus
struggled, knowing His impending crucifixion meant separation from His
Father. At no other time in the gospels do we see the Son of God more
brokenhearted than in these last few hours of freedom before He is seized by the Pharisees' men.

We, too, experience periods of intense turmoil and distress, and the
Word of God can be a beacon at such dark times. Matthew's illumination of the Lord at Gethsemane teaches us how to respond to sorrow so that our painful experiences are not wasted.

God does not squander hurt or brokenness; rather, if we willingly
accept His ministrations, He utilizes our vulnerability to teach us
faith-building principles. Jesus asked that the cup of suffering be removed. The metaphorical chalice was filled with the wrath of a holy God against sinful mankind. When Christ drank, He accepted all the wrongs of man-and the righteous fury of God-on Himself. As a result, He effectively severed His tie with the Father, who cannot tolerate or associate with sin. But in Gethsemane, the Son did not plead for release from the pain; instead, He prayed three times that the Father's will be done.

As we follow Jesus' example and release ourselves to God's will, inner
turmoil is calmed by a sense of peaceful contentment. External
circumstances may be unchanged, but in our inward Gethsemane, we are hand in hand with a loving Father.

You may or may not enjoy this as much as I did but I must say I think it was directed straight at me. I will share my other devotion tomorrow. I am always open to suggestions and if you are struggling with something in your life I would love to pray for you and try to find a devotional that might be meant for you. You can email me privately and I would be glad to help.

Release to God’s Will
Tina

Sunday, September 11, 2005 8:11 PM CDT

Happy Sunday Evening to all! Our morning started out fast and furious being as my alarm clock did go off and off and off but I never heard it. When I did Sunday School was starting. I was bummed because our lessons have been so good. I think Satan tried to step in at that point because there was this part of me trying to go back to sleep but I was determined to make it to church and I am so glad that I did. What a blessing I got when I got there and got to here Brother James Messer preach. I had heard him before but todays sermon was great! Brother Messer is actually from Mobile, Alabama so he got to feel the wrath of Katrina first hand. He started the sermon with a question that I am sure many of you have asked "Why did God allow Katrina to happen?" Only God knows why this happens but one thing is for certain is that all of the pain will be worth it when we get to see Jesus. As you can tell by that statement that a lot of the sermon I saw from a different perspective with my own Katrina, Stanton's death. I have heard many of the news media saying that this is the worst natural disaster to ever hit the earth. Brother Messer pointed out that was indeed not true. In Genesis 6 we read about the worst natural disaster to ever hit the earth, when God flooded the entire earth. One point that he pointed out about the ark that I had never thought of was that when Noah was told to build the ark God told him exactly how to build it and he instructed Noah to put a skylight around the ark. What purpose would this serve, it would allow Noah to keep looking up! When life gets tough, don't look around at the mess, don't worry, LOOK UP!!!! If you read Noah's story you will see that he went straight from the ark to the alter to worship God. I think that one thing that Katrina as well as so many other disasters teaches us is that the things of this world that we work so hard for can be taken away in a flash but heaven is eternity and here to stay. If you lose all of your posessions and you still have God then you still have everything! Brother Messer pointed out 4 things that God taught him over the last 2 weeks: 1. God can do anything 2. God's only motivation is love 3. God knows what is best. 4. God will make the final decision.

I have had a rough few days as the pain of missing Stanton has been incredible. There was a reason that Brother Messer brought this message today and it was as much for me as any victim of Katrina. I love the fact that I serve a God who can do anything, knows everything, makes the final decision and most of all loves me beyond anything that I could ever imagine.

Hurting but forever Blessed
Tina

Saturday, September 10, 2005 10:21 PM CDT

This will be short and sweet! One more first down today. Today was Jeff's birthday. I won't bore you with how wonderful I think he is. I think I have said it many times before. I am blessed to have married my very best friend and still call him that. Happy Birthday Jeff! I know you missed Stanton more than ever today but I know he was singing to you all day.

Hayden's football team won last night! He is still feeling okay, but his neck is very sore. Jeff actually had to work this afternoon so we got to have some much needed Hayden and mom quality time. Hayden-I love you and continue to be so very proud of you.

I will make up for the short update tomorrow. Thank you all for the prayers for Hayden's well being. We continue to draw so much strength from all of you.

In Him
Tina

Friday, September 9, 2005 11:01 AM CDT

I know many of you are anxiously awaiting the results of Hayden's doctor visit so I decided not to wait until tonight. Dr. Phillips seems to think it is just and infected lymph node. Somthing pretty common. For my peace of mind she did run some lab work which we will have the results on later. Once again I can't praise her enough because she had done the research and had it all laid out for me in black and white when I got there. She knew my concerns and had found articles that addressed those concerns. Hayden was not very happy about having blood drawn but was okay because he still gets to play football.

Last night I spent the evening in the ER with Jeannie, my friend/evacuee with a pinched nerve. The folks at Minden ER were so very kind to her, just one more reminder of how good the people of Minden have responded to our newly arrived visitors. They fixed her up and I hope she is feeling better today. We were in the room where my grandmother passed away so another gush of emotions but I was able to get my mind off of Hayden for a while.

This morning my mother gave me or at least started her lecture on me practicing what I preach. I agreed with her but I can tell you that worry, although not right and not what God wants tends to be human nature. I did find some devotionals and spent some time in prayer which did calm me a little.

I kept going back to Matthew 6:34 "Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow has enough trouble of it's own."

I also found a quote that I like "Fear and Worry are interest paid in advance on something you may never own."

How true is that. When we worry it is usually about something in the future and when it comes down to it none of us are guaranteed anything beyond the present moment. I am so thankful to serve a God that realizes that although we know these things about worry that He forgives us when we do worry and in my case picked me up and carried me for the rest of the day.

I don't know how many of you read the guestbook so I wanted to copy an entry so you all would see it.
Once upon a time, three angels were busily working in the miracle factory. They were responsible for wrapping up all the little miracles and sending them on their way. Normally they wrapped each one in bright, sturdy paper with big, shiny ribbons. They stamped it with a delivery date and away it would go to the parents who eagerly awaited its arrival. Things usually ran pretty smoothly.
One day, however, down the conveyer belt came a little miracle that made the angels pause. "Oh my," said the first angel "this one's uhm...well...different." "Yes, he is unique" said the second angel. "Well I think he is quite special," said the first angel "but I don't think he will quite fit our standard wrapping procedures." And the second angel added, "And we know he's special, but will everyone else?" "Not a problem," said the third angel "obliviously a special miracle deserves extra special wrapping; and of course we'll send him off with our most heartfelt blessings. Then everyone will see how special he is." "What a wonderful idea!" replied the others. So they searched the shelves high and low for their finest paper, and their most delicate ribbons.
When they were done, they stood back and admired their work. "Beautiful!" thay all agreed. "Now for our blessings," said the third angel "for it is time for him to go." "I will bless him with innocence and happiness," said the first angel. "And I will bless him with strength to face the many challenges that lie ahead" said the second angel. "And I will bless him with an inner beauty that will shine on all who look upon him" said the third angel. Before sending him off the third angel, who was very wise, gently tucked a note inside.

And it said:

Dear Parents,
Today you have received a very special gift.
It may not be what you were expecting,
And you may be disappointed, angry and hurt.
But please know that he comes with many blessings,
And, while there may be pain, he will bring you much joy
He will take you in a very difficult journey,
But you will meet many wonderful people.
He will teach you patience and understanding
And make you reach deep inside yourselves
to find a source of strength and faith you never knew you had.
He will enrich your lives,
And will touch the hearts of all who meet him.
He may be fragile,
But he has great inner strength.
So please handle him with care,
Give him lots of attention,
Shower him with hugs and kisses,
Love him with all your heart,
And he will blossom before your eyes.
His spirit will shine like the brightest star for all to see,
And you will know that you are truly blessed.

Thank you to whoever shared this with us. Once again reminded that we are and will continue to be truly blessed.

Blessed Beyond my Imagination
Tina

Wednesday, September 7, 2005 8:56 PM CDT

THURSDAY 10:30: I am asking for a special prayer request for Hayden and me. Hayden called this morning with a small knot just below his ear. He says it is painful. He has also been extremely tired lately. The earliest appointment I could get him was in the morning at 11:00. I knew nothing else to do but to call in all of our faithful prayer warriors. Please pray that this is nothing. Please pray for comfort for me as I have been a nervous wreck until I put myself into some quiet time with God. I guess my first thoughts as far as Hayden and him getting sick will always be negative. I don't know how to get around that except for prayer for strength. Thank you all in advance!

Well, I thought today would be better than yesterday since I started the day by talking to my daddy but I was wrong. Work was horrible, not all of it just one particular meeting which pretty much set the tone for the rest of the day. Even though the day at work was bad I ended the evening on a high note.

I invited Michael to come to church with me tonight. It was the kick off to our children's Wed. night activities. Talk about bittersweet. The hard part was seeing the kids Stanton's age running around getting ready. As hard as it was I wouldn't trade it for the look on Michael's face. I have no idea his church background but he loved to sing the songs and do the motions. He even told me if I let him come back next time he would know all of the words. Mary Claire took him under her wing quickly and they became friends, even sharing the same chair at one point. Dr. Juggles came for entertainment and I can't even describe how I felt when Michael's entire face lit up with a smile at one of the tricks he did. I don't really know how your heart can hurt so bad, yet feel so warm at the same time. At one time I had Mary Claire on one leg, Carson on the other and Michael in the chair right next to me. Talk about love every minute. I certainly did.

I found the following poem on Jacob's website and wanted to share it with all of you. Those of you blessed with boys will love it as much as I did. This poem so describes both of my boys. Once again I am blessed beyond words.

Your Son and Mine

Momma's Little Buddy.
The miracle before my eyes.
A reminder of God's presence,
Every time I see him smile.
His laughter is a joy to my Heart.
His forgiveness makes mine pale when compared.
He makes me laugh with a sense of humor,
That he is always willing to share.
The little things that excite him,
Make me remember the kid I used to be.
It reminds me to enjoy every moment more,
Instead of letting the world get to me.
Above all I only have to look at him,
His momma's pride and joy,
To remember to thank my Heavenly Father above,
For my special little boy.
I understand now how much God loves us,
Every time I hold him tight.
God gave up the Son He loved so much,
To give us eternal life.
Thank You God For your Son and mine.

Thank you God
Tina

Thank you all who have sent chili peppers I love looking at them and will be printing them all off for my keepsake box. The website is www.createapepper.com

Wednesday, September 7, 2005 9:46 AM CDT

Sorry for the lack of update last night but I just was in a bad place and needed some quiet time to get it back together. Why was my day so bad? This was a question that I thought long and hard about last night. First of all it was Emma Grace's 3 month angel anniversary and I guess I will continue to take those days as hard as I do Stanton's. With that of course comes many questions without a whole lot of answers. Second of all I MISS MY DADDY! He had tried to call several times yesterday and I never got to talk to him which was really a bummer because I just needed to hear for myself that he was okay for some reason. He called this morning which started my day off much better. Third, Lisa, one of the members of my evacuee family ended up in the hospital and I guess I felt like a part of me let her down although I know this is not the truth. Anyway, I think you get the jist of it. I did go out and visit with Jeannie, Shae and Lacey's mom. Everyone else was gone so I really enjoyed our one on one time. I am not sure at this point who needs who more me needing Jeannie or her needing me. It is funny how a complete stranger can become what feels like such a good friend. No holds bar with her she gets the real me and seems to be okay with that. Jeannie-I know you will probabaly never get a chance to read this but thank you so much for allowing me into your and your families life. You have become such a special friend to me and I look forward to when we get to visit. Hang in there! I will always be here for you. Anyway, I promise a more detailed update tonight. Thanks for your continued prayers!

Letting Him carry me today
Tina

I also want to remind you that although you may not have anything to give to these evacuees as far as money or posessions remember that sometimes companionship means more to them than anything of meterial value. They just need a friend and someone to talk to. I promise you if you take the time to listen to them you will walk away blessed even though you were trying to do the blessing.

Monday, September 5, 2005 8:42 PM CDT

I sure hope everyone had a great Labor day. Mine was just another day. I actually went to work. Jeff played gold and Hayden went dove hunting with his Papaw H. He had a great time. Hayden is the type that will remember these time with O.H. for a long time. I love to listen to the stories about the things he remembers doing with my dad.

Speaking of my dad please continue to remember him in prayer as he is still in south Louisiana with the catering place cooking for utility crews. I know they have very long days and he is missing us just a little.

When I got home Debbie and I took Shae and Lacey shopping. They are the 2 teenage girls that live in the cabin with Michael. We had a great time. The girls were so sweet and very appreciative. I can't describe the feeling of seeing the look on these girls faces as they enjoyed our shopping trip and the thank you's as we left. I have truly enjoyed getting to know this family.

They have been a gentle reminder of what or where "home" is. There are so many families that no longer have physical places to call home but home is where your family is. Home can be found in your heart. I know as hard as it is for all of these families I was reminded that they have each other and that there family is intact so home is right there in that small cabin.

I found out today that you can color the Chili's chili peppers on line. Someone sent us one they had done for Stanton. I guess you just go to chilis.com.

I also want to say thank you to the special family that sent us the figure of the little boy praying. I love it. I don't know if I can put it at the angel garden though. It is much too pretty.

Don't forget to say special prayers for Jake tomorrow as he undergoes his 3rd lung surgery and 4th major surgery in one year. Pray that the surgeons get all of the tumor and Jake can be cancer free.

Missing by baby
Tina

Stanton-mommy misses you so very much. I would love to just hug and kiss you one more time. You will always be my baby.

Sunday, September 4, 2005 8:42 PM CDT

I hope everyone is enjoying their holiday weekend. I am actually working tomorrow so doesn't seem like much of a holiday for me.

This morning in church we talked a lot about the hurricane and the victims. I really can't explain how my heart aches for these people. I enjoyed some time this afternoon visiting with the family that I have adopted from South La. They are such a nice family and really doing what they can to make the best of a bad situation. We continue to do what we can to help them as well.

Our Sunday school lesson was and will be for the next few weeks about suffering. We really just touched the surface today. It is going to be a great lesson but I can see it may be tough. I found the following about suffering and thought I would share:

"We aren't just thrown on this earth like dice tossed across the table. We are sovereignly and lovingly placed here for a purpose.

Gos had given us a purpose for our existence, a reason to go on, even though that existence includes tough times. Living through suffering, we become sanctified- in other words, set apart for the glory of God. We gain perspective. We grow deeper. We grow up!"

Nothing really to add to this, I think it just about sums it up.

Growing up
Tina

Saturday, September 3, 2005 9:02 PM CDT

Good Evening to all! Sorry about the lack of update yesterday but you all understand. Hayden had a ballgame last night. It was a great game and appeared that we might pull out a win until the last couple of minutes. We ended up in overtime and lost but I thought the team did a GREAT job. The girls cheerleading suits came in so in the stands Mary Claire, Elynn Kate and Hollan all had cheerleader suits on. They were adorable. I decided that after watching them Mary Claire was going to be the cheerleader, Hollan the dancer (still not quite sure where all of her rhythm came from) and Elynn Kate was going to be the one in the big Tide suit (mascot). If he came within her view she was jumping up and down waving.

I am still very troubled by the situation in South Louisiana and the tragedy that it is. I hate to watch the TV because it is funny how they seem to report what they want and not always what is accurate. I got some troubling information last night but will not share until I have confirmation.

I have been blessed to meet a very special family from South Louisiana that found shelter here in Minden. I first met Michael at mom’s school yesterday morning. He was a precious blond haired big brown eyed little boy (1st grade) who stole my heart from the moment that he looked up at me. He and 9 other family members are staying in a cabin at the Methodist Camp so I went out there today to introduce myself and offer assistance. I enjoyed a Wal-Mart trip with Michael and his cousin Shae. I can’t tell you how this just warms my heart to help this little boy but how heartbreaking it is knowing the situation. Once again, I am learning a lot from the heart of a child. Please just keep them in your prayers as there are still members of their family that they do not know about.

I also wanted to remind you that September is National Childhood Cancer Awareness Month. In conjunction with this Chili’s has a promotion for St. Jude going. You can go into any Chili’s restaurant and color a chili pepper for a dollar, buy a t-shirt or bracelet with the proceeds going to St. Jude’s and on September 26 all of the proceeds from the sale of food that day goes to the hospital. I encourage you all to support this endeavor. I know last year it was a HUGE success. If you are in our area I urge you to go by the Bossier Chili’s and color a pepper for Stanton. We want to see if we can cover a wall with “Stanton” peppers.

Tonight I want to share another email with you:

I'm Glad You're in My Dash

I read of a man who stood to speak
At the funeral of a friend.
He referred to the dates on her tombstone,
From the beginning...to the end.

He noted that first came her date of birth
And spoke the following date with tears,
But he said what mattered most of all
Was the dash between those years.

(1934 - 1998)

For that dash represents all the time
That she spent alive on earth...
And now only those who loved her,
Know what that little line is worth.

For it matters not, how much we own;
The cars...the house...the cash,
What matters is how we live and love
And how we spend our dash.

So think about this long and hard...
Are there things you'd like to change?
For you never know how much time is left,
That can still be rearranged.

If we could just slow down enough
To consider what's true and real,
And always try to understand
The way other people feel

And be less quick to anger,
And show appreciation more
And love the people in our lives
Like we've never loved before.

If we treat each other with respect,
And more often wear a smile.
Remembering that this special dash
Might only last a little while.

So, when your eulogy's being read
With your life's actions to rehash...
Would you be proud of the things they say
About how you spent your dash?

I am glad that you're in my life and part of my dash.

From My dash to yours.
Laugh long, live long,
Yesterday is history
Tomorrow is a mystery.
Today is a GIFT.

I challenge you to think about what is in your dash!

Blessed
Tina

Don't forget to pray for Hank and all of those still in New Orleans protecting and serving!

Thursday, September 1, 2005 8:22 PM CDT

Really not quite sure where to start tonight. I guess when Dana called this morning it just kind of caught me off guard. I knew Hank was in south Louisiana but I just didn't think he would be called to do anything like this. I can't believe the people and how they are acting. There are so many people who are truly in need and have lost everything and my heart just aches for them but then there are these people who are taking advantage of a terrible situation and costing innocent lives in the process. Please just continue to keep Hank and his fellow officers in your prayers.

I do have some good news. I have been looking for something that I could do to 1)help keep my mind occupied and 2)give back just a portion because so many people did so much for us. I have found that opportunity thanks to Dr. Brown, who is a doctor that works at the hospital. They are building a new children's hospital in Shreveport based on the idea by the golfer, Hal Sutton. Today I joined the "Sutton Childrens Hospital Womens Group". Dr. Brown told me a couple of weeks ago about this and how his mom was involved. I called her and decided that it sounded like something that I would love. I definately should have some good insight being as I have lived at a children's hospital for 2 years. I am on the hospitality committee and will work a lot with families from out of town. After meeting Mrs. Brown and so many of the women involved in this I am so excited. It may be the answer I have been looking for.

More good news, Jakes scan today showed a spot on his lung that should be easily resectable. I know it seems crazy to be thankful for a tumor but they needed something to show up so they would have something to treat.

Hayden plays at home tomorrow night. The weather seems to be a little cooler or I am just desperately wishful thinking.

I am going to leave you with a statement that I love: "Faith-When you come to the edge of all the light you have known and are about to step out into the darkness; Faith is knowing one of two things will happen. There will be something to stand on or you will be taught how to fly"

Learning how to fly
Tina

Many of you expressed an interest in wanting to help the Boys home I mentioned last night. If you send me a check (the address is on the bottom of the website) I will go to the store and buy food that they need and take it to them. Thank you all so much again for all of your support.

Wednesday, August 31, 2005 7:14 PM CDT

Thursday September 1: I am a little late getting this on the website but I need for all of you to stop and pray for the many law enforcement and military people who are in New Orleans trying to get the looters under control. They called this morning and said that Jeff's brother would be one of those people going in. It is a very dangerous situation so we are all in constant prayer. Hank-We will forever be proud of you for what you do to protect all of us each and everyday. When you get down, just look up and know that you have a very special angel riding on your shoulder.

Special prayer request: As you all know the hurricane in South Louisiana is nothing less than catastrophic. Many people have come to the northern part of the state for a safe place to stay. Some of these are kids that have come from a home down south to Hope Youth Ranch which is a non-profit home for troubled boys. I think they received more than 100 kids so you can imagine the financial strain on the organization on a tight budget. When I talked to them this afternoon their immediate needs were food. Anything that could be made and served in large quantities. I encourage you if you are from this area to take a few dollars and buy some food to take to this home. They suggested potatoes, spaghetti, hamburger meat, chicken, etc. I know there are many of you out there with big hearts. This is the time to help.

I am still fighting this horrible cold but I hope it will be getting better soon.

As usual this whole end of one month beginning of new month is really getting the best of me. I am sure this will only get worse as the next 4 months will be terribly hard. They used to be some of my very favorite but I can see that they may not be this year.

There was one phrase that I think was my mom's very favorite when I was growing up "Life's not fair". I used to hate it when she would tell me that but lately I keep going back to that statement. As I was leaving the angel garden tonight I just stopped and thought "This is so not fair". No parent should ever have to go to the angel garden to visit their child. Will it ever get easier? I am not thinking so.

Thank you all so much for signing the guestbook. I hate I had to beg but you will never know how much I enjoy reading the entries and to see where everyone is from that has been praying for us. I knew there had been prayers because I could not make it through most days without them.

I want to share another email I got that I really liked:
When you need it, may God send you a "spider"!!!

GOD AND THE SPIDER

During World War II, a US marine was separated from his unit on a Pacific island. The fighting had been intense, and in the smoke and the crossfire he had lost touch with his comrades.

Alone in the jungle, he could hear enemy soldiers coming in his direction. Scrambling for cover, he found his way up a high ridge to several small caves in the rock. Quickly he crawled inside one of the caves. Although safe for the moment, he realized that once the enemy soldiers looking for him swept up the ridge, they would quickly search all the caves and he would be killed.

As he waited, he prayed, Lord, if it be your will, please protect me.

Whatever your will though, I love you and trust you. Amen.

After praying, he lay quietly listening to the enemy begin to draw close. He thought, Well, I guess the Lord isn't going to help me out of this one. Then he saw a spider begin to build a web over the front of his cave.

As he watched, listening to the enemy searching for him all the while, the spider layered strand after strand of web across the opening of the cave.

Ha, he thought. What I need is a brick wall and what the Lord has sent me is a spider web. God does have a sense of humor.

As the enemy drew closer he watched from the darkness of his hideout and could see them searching one cave after another. As they came to his, he got ready to make his last stand. To his amazement, however, after glancing in the direction of his cave, they moved on. Suddenly, he realized that with the spider web over the entrance, his cave looked as if no one had entered for quite a while. Lord, forgive me, prayed the young man. I had forgotten that in you, a spider's web is stronger than a brick wall.

We all face times of great trouble. When we do, it is so easy to forget the victories that God would work in our lives, sometimes in the most surprising ways. As the great leader, Nehemiah, reminded the people of Israel when they faced the task of rebuilding Jerusalem, In God we will have success! [Nehemiah 2:20].

Remember: Whatever is happening in your life, with God, a mere spider's web can become a brick wall of protection. Believe He is with you always. Just speak His name through Jesus His son, and you will see His great power and love for you.

Loving God's sense of humor
Tina

Tuesday, August 30, 2005 7:53 PM CDT

Yoo Hoo!!! Anybody out there? I know you are all still reading but I haven’t heard from you in quite a while and I have to admit, that is what keeps me going some days. I just knew an entry from Jeff would bring you all out but even that didn’t work.

Work has been total chaos this week. With Joyce out sick and another employee out Eleanor and I are holding the fort down, barely. It is nice to stay busy though.

I am getting my every year summer cold (which I hate) which is slowing me down a bit. I walked into my office this morning and one of the first things you see is a mural on the wall with pictures of Stanton. I guess that is all that it took this morning because I was down for the count. It took me quite a while to gather myself back together. There are times when the thought of never holding Stanton again just get overwhelming. I miss him so terribly much! Even the evenings are long because things seem so boring without his smile to keep us going.

We live in the Nrothwest corner of Louisiana so while the rest of the state was having a disaster, we did not even get a drop of rain. I feel so for the people who lost everything but also know that what they lost was just physical. As long as they still have their family and friends they can put their lives back together.

My dad is on the road heading down south with a catering company, I believe that feeds the working crews. Please pray for safe travel for him. He told mom he may be gone 3 to 6 weeks. I don’t know who this will be tougher on me or her.

The devotional I want to share, actually there are 2 but I couldn’t choose fits so perfectly into my everyday living circumstances I hoped that maybe you would enjoy it.

Obstacles as Opportunities
Joshua 6:15-23

Learning to see obstacles as opportunities takes time and practice. We
can speed up the process by recalling certain truths.

God is at work. As barriers remain in place and our situation seems
unchanged, God is orchestrating people and events to move His plan ahead. He works silently, invisibly, and effectively on our behalf.

God prepares the way. He has already decided in His mind which
hindrances to remove and which to leave unaltered. For the obstacles that remain, the Lord will arrange a way around them or fit them into His plan. What He has determined will be accomplished.

God requires our cooperation. He wants us to be ready to face difficult
situations. Through His Word, He communicates what we need to know and
also equips us. (Hebrews 13:20-21) “Now may the God of peace who brought up our Lord Jesus from the dead, that great Shepherd of the sheep, through the blood of the everlasting covenant, make you complete in every good work to do His will; working in you, what is well pleasing in His sight, through Jesus.”

God is personally involved. He wants to develop in us a greater
sensitivity to His presence. Through Scripture, prayer, and other believers, we can receive the assurance that the Lord is near.

God gives clear instruction. He does not bring confusion. Whether we
receive His direction in stages or all at once, He asks us to trust in
Him rather than our own thinking. (Proverbs 3:5-6) “Trust in the Lord with all of your heart, and lean not on your own understanding; in all your ways acknowledge Him and He shall direct your paths.”

Facing challenges involves courage, patience, and faith. It takes
courage to accept the presence of barriers, to move in pace with God, and do what He asks. Patience is required as we wait for Him to equip us and reveal His plan. Faith is necessary for us to trust God with the outcome and to focus on obeying Him.

My 2 cents: I have to admit that I have not liked the idea of all of the obstacles God has placed in my path. I am blessed that I was raised in a Christian home so that I knew who to turn to when these obstacles seem to big to overcome. I am also blessed in that God has chosen to use my obstacles in some pretty big ways. He knows the plans He has for me, when will I ever learn to sit back and just follow His path without wanting to take too many steps further? The verse in Proverbs has always been one of my very favorites. Trust His with ALL of your heart, not just the part that I feel like giving up at the moment. I also liked the characteristics needed to face challenges, courage, patience and faith. I don’t feel like I have courage, in fact I feel more like a coward on most days and we all know how I do with patience. Faith is the one characteristic that I think I could rate myself okay on. I do believe with all of my heart that God is in control and that He is good. It is my faith that has enabled me to even get out of bed on some days.

This other I got in my email and I almost waited to share it another night but I loved it (and you haven’t had a long entry in a couple of days):

KEEPER

Their marriage was good, their dreams focused. Their best
friends lived barely a wave away. I can see them now, Dad
in trousers, tee shirt and a hat and Mom in a house dress, lawn
mower in one hand, and dish-towel in the other. It was the
time for fixing things. A curtain rod, the kitchen radio, screen
door, the oven door, the hem in a dress. Things we keep.

It was a way of life, and sometimes it made me crazy. All that
re-fixing, eating, renewing, I wanted just once to be wasteful.
Waste meant affluence. Throwing things away meant you knew
there'd always be more.

But then my mother died, and on that clear summer's night, in
the warmth of the hospital room, I was struck with the pain of
learning that sometimes there isn't any more.

Sometimes, what we care about most gets all used up and goes
away... never to return. So... while we have it... its best we
love it.... and care for it... and fix it when it's broken...... and
heal it when it's sick.

This is true.... for marriage..... and children with bad report
cards..... and dogs with bad hips.... and aging parents..... and
grandparents. We keep them because they are worth it, because
we are worth it. Some things we keep. Like a best friend that
moved away or a classmate we grew up with.

There are just some things that make life important, like people
we know who are special..... and so, we keep them close!

I received this from someone who thinks I am a 'keeper', so I've
sent it to the people I think of in the same way.. Now it's your
turn to send this to those people that are "keepers" in your life
Good friends are like stars.... You don't always see them, but
you know they are always there.

Keep them close!

TEN THINGS GOD WON'T ASK ON THAT DAY.

1... God won't ask what kind of car you drove. He'll
ask how many people you drove who didn't have
transportation.

2... God won't ask the square footage of your house,
He'll ask how many people you welcomed into
your home.

3... God won't ask about the clothes you had in your
closet, He'll ask how many you helped to clothe.

4... God won't ask what your highest salary was. He'll
ask if you compromised your character to obtain it.

5... God won't ask what your job title was. He'll ask if
you performed your job to the best of our ability.

6... God won't ask how many friends you had. He'll ask
how many people to whom you were a friend.

7... God won't ask in what neighborhood you lived, He'll
ask how you treated your neighbors.

8... God won't ask about the color of your skin, He'll ask
about the content of your character.

9... God won't ask why it took you so long to seek Salvation.
He'll lovingly take you to your mansion in heaven, and
not to the gates of Hell.

I encourage you all as you read this and go on about your everyday being, think about what God may ask on that glorious day when we get to see Him face to face.

Obeying Him to Overcome the Obstacles
Tina

Monday, August 29, 2005 8:16 PM CDT

Well Tina is not feeling well so ya'll get the short writing Jeff. Not much going on around here just praying for everyone in the south. We had a great time at the dream house giveaway yesterday and for everyone that saw us on TV I'm really not that big the TV makes you seem that way Ha Ha! Haydens football team did good Friday. I guess I'll let Tina tell the rest of the weekendwhen she feels better talk to ya later and keep all our friends in your prayers that still in the battle with the beast god bless you all. Just remembering the good times with my baby Jeff

Sunday, August 28, 2005 8:07 PM CDT

Quick update tonight! We had a great morning in the Lord's House as always. We left to head to Shreveport for the St. Jude Dream Home give away. It is always great to see so many people come together for such a great cause. I know people wonder why I would put myself through something like this but you wouldn't understand until you have been there. St. Jude gave us so much this is the least that I can do to give back just a little bit. I did okay the first interview, but they played the clip from earlier in the week with footage of Stanton so my second interview was very emotional.

I want to ask for special prayer for a very special person. Mrs. Joyce who works for me is in the hospital. Please pray that they can figure out what is wrong and what will fix it and some peace of mind for her and Joe. She has become such a very special part of my life.

Sorry for the short update but I will make it up later.

In Him
Tina

Saturday, August 27, 2005 10:18 AM CDT

Good Morning! After sitting through a VERY HOT ballgame last night I decided I would journal this morning. It was actually a jamboree but we did win by one point. Hayden did not get to play which was expected he is just a sophomore but he had a blast just being on the field and being a part of the team. I am so happy that he is having fun.

I don't have much to report this morning. This whole week has been extremely difficult for me. I guess the whole reality thing setting in again.

Some of our very best friends came over last night, actually he is the principal of the school we were playing but his wife and kids sat on our side so we could visit. Thanks guys for coming. I enjoyed every minute of you and the kids. Bill, you would be so proud, Angela did not cheer for us once but I can't say the same for the kids. They were cheering for the red team!!! Of course there may have been a little brain washing going on, they were sitting with Mr. Jeff.

As my world continues on an unknown path there are still many children who continue to need many prayers and I havent' mentioned them in a while so I am asking you to go by and drop a line of support to these families:

Jake www.caringbridge.org/la/jakeowen-he is actually in the hospital with chicken pox. I think he returns to St. Jude next week for scans.

Christal http://christalinfo.servemp3.com They did not get the results that they had hoped for from scans and are starting a new chemo

Preston You have to go to www.caringbridge.org and under the new pages type in prestonwilliams. This is a prescious little boy that we learned of through a friend and a very small world.

Jacob www.caringbridge.org/fl/jacob This is a little boy that I have been reading about for months. The pictures on his page will awe you as will his mother and her journals. They have been told there is nothing more they can do for this little boy. I could feel every emotion as I read her page.

Hallie www.caringbridge.org/la/hallie They got great news this week

Madelyn www.caringbidge.org/tn/madelyn she is in the hospital.

I think that is about all for now. Don't forget those angel websites. They could often use more encouragement than anyone.

I want to leave you with a poem for you to read and hopefully follow the instructions, just for today.

"Just For Today "

Just for this morning, I am going to smile when I see your face and laugh when I feel like crying.

Just for this morning, I will let you choose what you want to wear, and smile and say how perfect it is.

Just for this morning, I am going to step over the laundry, and pick you up and take you to the park to play.

Just for this morning, I will leave the dishes in the sink, and let you teach me how to put that puzzle of yours together.

Just for this afternoon, I will unplug the telephone and keep the computer off, and sit with you in the backyard and blow bubbles.

Just for this afternoon, I will not yell once, not even a tiny grumble when you scream and whine for the ice cream truck, and I will buy you one if he comes by.

Just for this afternoon, I won't worry about what you are going to be when you grow up, or second guess every decision I have made where you are concerned.

Just for this afternoon, I will let you help me bake cookies, and I won't stand over you trying to fix them.

Just for this afternoon, I will take us to McDonald's and buy us both a Happy Meal so you can have both toys.

Just for this evening, I will hold you in my arms and tell you a story about how you were born and how much I love you.

Just for this evening, I will let you splash in the tub and not get angry.

Just for this evening, I will let you stay up late while we sit on the porch and count all the stars.

Just for this evening, I will snuggle beside you for hours, and miss my favorite TV shows.

Just for this evening, when I run my finger through your hair as you pray, I will simply be grateful that God has given me the greatest gift ever given.

I will think about the mothers and fathers who are searching for their missing children, the mothers and fathers who are visiting their children's graves instead
of their bedrooms, and mothers and fathers who are in hospital rooms watching their children suffer senselessly, and screaming inside that they can't handle it anymore.
And when I kiss you good night, I will hold you a little tighter, a little longer.
It is then that I will thank God for you, and ask him for nothing, except one more day..."

~author unknown~

I challenge you to do this just for today. When you are counting the stars, name them as angels as I do each time I look into the evening sky. This is one way I was blessed as that with Stanton we lived each day, just for today. No regrets! I can never tell you enough not LOVE you children. Hold them tighter, kiss them more, tell them you love them and remember that there are those of us who would love to have just one more day.

Because of Him
Tina

Thursday, August 25, 2005 8:19 PM CDT

Before I finish the weekend story I want to start with another HUGE thank you to Jeff’s grandmother “Sug”. I stopped by her house on the way home from work and once again I got there feeling kind of crumby and left feeling blessed. It is great to just get to sit down and visit one on one with a woman who has gone through so much yet continues to keep her focus on God. I still have so much to learn from her.

Now on to Sunday. I was right Scotty was up and ready long before anyone else. He was decked out in his NAPA attire and looked like the hard core race fan (but not the redneck kind). We met Marcy’s extended family at this time including her mom and dad which was really cool. I told them they must be pretty special people to raise someone as special as Marcy. This one sister and I though have some differeing of opinions on race car drivers but one day I will straighten her out.

We left the hotel at 7:00 headed to the track for a race that started at 2:30. This is where you realize that I am a “princess” of racing because I cannot imagine why anyone would want to go sit in the stands or walk around for hours in the heat waiting on a race to start.

While we were in the suite Michael stopped by once again mainly for autographs and pictures which was really cool. It was then that I gave him a collage of pictures I had made from the photo shoot in Charlotte. He seemed to like it and said he would put it in the shop for all of Waltrip racing to see which I thought was cool.

We had suite tickets again, only this time they were right above the pits. We could see every move Matt Kenseth’s team made as well as Kyle Petty’s. If you just had to watch the race in the heat you could go on to the roof. There was a garage tour in which Jeff and Scotty got to see some of the drivers but they really enjoyed driver introductions in which the drivers walked right beside them. I can’t wait to see if Jeff got any good pictures. They said that so few of the drivers smiled and even pretended to be having fun. Not Michael of course, he was smiling and had his daughter on his shoulders. I thought that that sounded pretty sad because these guys make a lot of money doing what they love to do and a simple smile never hurt anyone. Once back in the suite we all got scanners in which you could hear what certain crews and drivers were saying. I love these things. Once again Michael came close but no win and once again, he will always be a winner in our book.

Before the race everyone was doing their own thing and I had promised Kylie we would go shopping at the drivers trailors. Marcy drove us over there and we shopped a while, got what she wanted and then were ready to go back. Kylie: I had a blast getting to know you this weekend. I mean it when I say you can some stay anytime. You are a very precious little girl and your mom is so very lucky to have you. I miss you already!

On the way back a golf cart passed us in the grass and it was none other than Robbie Gordan himself (a race car driver). His cart ran faster than ours but we did catch up and tell him that we thought that was an illegal pass. We told him we would get him in the tunnel but didn’t happen. I think that is one thing I like most about some of the drivers. They are so down to earth and friendly. I think his golf cart must have had a bigger motor than ours.

When the race was over I thought we would just get in our car and go back to the hotel. WRONG!!!!!! We got to our car alright but there was no going anywhere for a while. When we did get on the road we could only turn one way and it was not the way Ms. Neverlost was telling us, so we just followed traffic expecting her to update our route but instead she kept saying “Please make a legal U turn when possible”. Eventually they got her to understand that we couldn’t turn around (yes the Neverlost lady listens better than us Miller girls too) and she recalculated us and got us right where we needed to be. It was hours after the race had ended though.

I told everyone that I was sleeping late Monday morning and would pack when I got up. Well, that didn’t happen. Scotty must have worn himself out because he did stay asleep (or was tired from fighting off Hayden’s arm all night) but Jeff was up by 8 and when Jeff gets up everyone gets up. We started packing and realized we were going to have to be very creative to get everything we had accumulated back home in the same bags we had brought. Some how we managed but it was not easy.

Marcy and Kylie came by the hotel to visit before we had to leave. Scotty was ready to get home to see his babies and I can’t blame him but for me coming home was being forced to face reality all over again. I wasn’t quite as excited as he was. Saying good-bye to Marcy and Kylie was not easy but that is just part of loving someone who live so far away. Kylie did give me a crown before we left although Hayden wouldn’t let me wear it to the airport. Speaking of Hayden, he had written Michael and Domino’s thank you notes for the hood hanging on his ceiling and was going to give them to Marcy Monday morning before we left. I remembered them as we were getting in the car so he raced back in hoping to be able to get into the room and get them. Getting into the room was the easy part but communicating with the maid was a whole other story. He said before it was over he had the maid, a translator and the hotel manager all in there digging through the trash looking for these letters (what a customer friendly hotel, I would have told him tough luck). The manager said he would continue to look and mail them back to Hayden if he found them. This was kind of neat because it gave us something to laugh about to help dry the tears.

We made it to the airport just in time to get checked in and didn’t have to wait long to board our NONSTOP flight back to Shreveport. When we first sat down, Jeff and I were very squished. Luckily the plane was not full and he was able to move to the row behind me. We all kind of relaxed on the way home. I read, Hayden read (summer reading of course) and Jeff and Scotty slept. We left Detroit with the temperature about 81 and when we got off the plane in Shreveport is was 102. We were just thankful that the return flight was uneventful being that it was a Northwest flight. We go to wait on our luggage and everyone’s comes out but Hayden’s. I am still not sure how they lose your luggage when it only is supposed to get on one plane but they did. Really would have been no big deal but I had to pack my make-up and medicine in his bag.

They ended up calling about 9:00 and saying that it had come in on a plane from Memphis (?). Stanton getting one last jab in maybe? They said that they would bring it that night or first thing the next morning which eventually meant noon the next day. Again, not really a big deal, but I was scheduled to do an interview with Jan Elkins from channel 3 and I had no make-up. I scrounged around and came up with the best I could.

The interview was for the St. Jude Dream Home that will be given away this Sunday.

All in all the weekend was perfect. Of course one thing that would have made it better was that Stanton would have been with us but the only other thing I would have liked was to have a little time with Michael and Buffy to tell them some of the Stanton stories related to them and to make sure they knew how much we appreciated all that they had done for us. We knew that he is very busy and that having this happen was a long shot but we tried.

For all of you who were a part of our amazing weekend: Thank you so much for helping us to make more very special memories. One thing we have learned is to cherish every moment and that is what we did. It was great to meet so many people who have been praying for Stanton and our family for so many months. You all are the ones who prays the prayers that God hears and helps us to keep going each day.

For all of you pizza lovers, I can’t stress to you what a very special company that Domino’s Pizza is. We have not met one employee that we did not love. If you wonder how all this fits with St. Jude, Domino’s announced last summer their philanthropic partnership with St. Jude’s for 2 years. They donate millions to the hospital and we all know what these dollars mean to the kids, their families and the doctors who are doing the research. So, next time you are looking for an easy supper call Domino’s.

Thank you all for being patient and reading about our weekend. It was one that will be remembered for a long time to come.

Coming back to reality has been a very difficult one for me this week. I wish I could explain it.

Pray special prayers for Hayden and his football team (Minden Crimson Tide) tomorrow night as they will start their season with a Jamboree.

Missing my baby
Tina

Wednesday, August 24, 2005 8:27 PM CDT

Okay, so where did I leave off? Friday morning the alarm went off bright and early and when I woke up I heard someone in the dark. It was Scotty, he was up and dressed and ready to go. Keep in mind we were working the first part of the day.

We got to the track and the Domino’s marketing display was incredible. There was a pizza making contest, a sweepstakes to enter, 2 display cars, free slices of the new steak fanatic pizza and a stage with all kinds of things going on. Hayden and I worked the sweepstakes table and Jeff and Scotty guarded the display cars. I had to apologize a couple of times because if they had on another driver’s shirt I would tell them that they could not register. I had to explain I was just picking, but only if they liked Michael too.

I eventually worked my way around to crowd control around the stage, or behind the stage where there was shade and water. I enjoyed getting to visit with all of the people working there, hearing their story and then telling them how we got affiliated with Domino’s. I don’t guess I will ever tire of telling Stanton’s story. I wish you all could have seen me because I had to wear a baseball cap which is typically not me but for Marcy would do anything.

I also got to meet a very special prayer warrior from Pennsylvania who happened to be coming to the race and called when she found out I would be there. I LOVE to meet people who have been reading Stanton’s website and feel like they know us. It was a great opportunity to meet Amy and some of her family. Amy: thank you for taking the time to call and to come and find me. It was great to meet you and who knows we may meet again some day.

It was this day that I got to meet the rest of Marcy’s family. Her daughter and step-daughter, Kylie and Jaquie were adorable!!!! Before the weekend was over I was calling her husband “My other husband Ralph”. I know Marcy had put many long hours into this weekend so I know they are glad to have her home. Later in the day we got to go to the suite and watch the ARCA race, I don’t know much about this but I do know that Rusty Wallace’s son won. We tried to be on Trackside Live but it was way too crowded and I was tired of getting stepped on. We rode around in the golf cart for a while, which is something Scotty was not used to. He usually has to walk when he goes racing but once again, I was showing him my way. I must say Marcy’s driving has improved greatly since last year. I don’t think we ran over one person.

We then headed back to the hotel to rest and get ready for another big day. As I would lay in bed at night I couldn’t help but think that Stanton would have been having so much fun but also remembering that he was right there with us having way more fun that we could think of.

Saturday morning I woke up to find an empty spot next to Hayden. Scotty had gotten up, dressed and left the room. I really don’t think Hayden was a good bed partner. This would be the day that I would experience racing “as close to the average person” than I will ever probably experience it. And I will say it was a long way from the “average race experience”. We got to the Domino’s headquarters where we signed in with about 200 more race fans. It was here that we would see Mack and a couple of others that we had not seen since Charlotte. The kids loved Mack so it was a great surprise to see him there. They had breakfast ready and as we ate we loaded 6 buses and headed for the track with Marcy as entertainment on our bus. We had NASCAR trivia which I knew the answers to but was not fast enough. Some very generous man gave me his light up pen that I wanted though. We got to the track where we were taken to chalet village where Domino’s had a tent set up. Michael came by there to answer a few questions and sign autographs for some of the kids. I managed to get up close and give him the St. Jude magazine in which he and Stanton were in. When he looked at it and looked back up he realized who Hayden and I were. He seemed very surprised to see us there but somewhat excited as well. We had hoped to spend some one on one time with he and Buffy but that just didn’t work out but it was great to see him. I told him then I had one more thing I wanted to give him but it would have to wait until Sunday. Busch qualifying had gotten rained out so we headed out to the pits to watch them get the cars ready and to watch Nextel qualifying. That was pretty cool, being right there. The guy giving our tour was asking a lot of questions, most of which I knew the answer to. He said, “This little lady knows her NASCAR”, yes I was proud! We then headed up to our seat in the grandstands to watch the Busch race. It started raining at the end of qualifying so I sat there hot, with a pancho on trying not to get to wet. I knew at that moment that I must be hooked. The rain quit and the race started. It was a good race although I would have loved to see Michael win. After the race we went back to the chalet village and had pizza. I could not even begin to imagine how many slices of pizza were served up over the entire weekend. This new steak pizza is pretty good. I ate it every chance I got.

I don’t think I have to tell you much about the rest of Saturday night, Hayden just about covered it in his journal. The concert was good and I have to tell you that Josh Turner was the opening act. This was one of Emma Grace’s favorite singers and when he sang “Long Black Train” I could almost see 2 little angels dancing in front of me. Once again, the whole weekend was filled with memories of Stanton and now Emma Grace. Hayden had a very much deserved INCREDIBLE night. He sacrificed so much over the past 2 years I love to see him have something special happen to him. I did enjoy getting to spend a minute with Buffy to thank her in person. She too is an incredible person. After we got Hayden out of the clouds we hopped on the golf cart and headed back to the bus where Hayden got to tell of his experience. While they were trying to get us a movie going my quiet and reserved brother-in-law took over the microphone and was the onboard entertainment until they got the movie started. It was pretty funny because it did not seem like his typical self. I actually think they cheered when the movie came on but did let him finish his story.

I had already decided based on the previous 2 mornings as excited as Scotty got that he just might not sleep at all on Saturday night. He did but again not much. I hate to stop here but once again want to get one of my NASCAR devotionals in so I will continue with Sunday and Monday tomorrow.

Tonight’s devotion comes from a book called “Faith in the Fast Lane”. It talks about hope and how we could not survive without some degree of hope. There are no hopeless people in life just people who have lost hope.

Ken Owen lists 4 fundamental realities we should always remember:

• People may doubt what you say, but they will always believe what you do.
• It is unreasonable to expect others to listen to your advise and ignore your example.
• Character is what your actions say when they are in accordance with your stated values.
• To believe means to embrace. To believe a truth is worthless until we fully embrace it.

This came after a chapter talking about morals and values and how it is our responsibility to teach the world these 2 things. It reminded me of the statement “You can talk the talk but can you walk the walk”. Just talking won’t get the job done without people seeing you live what you talk.

I hope you all are enjoying hearing about our weekend. I will finish the story tomorrow. I think my interview on Channel 3 may be on the 5:00 news tomorrow evening. I am not sure but maybe.

Hoping people see me walk the walk
Tina

Tuesday, August 23, 2005 8:10 PM CDT

Well, I think you got from Hayden’s entry that we had a GREAT time this weekend. I don’t know if I should start with the thank you’s or the events of the weekend or maybe a mixture of both.

We headed out at 5:00 Thursday morning going to the airport. By we, I mean me, Jeff, Scotty (Jamie’s husband) and Hayden. Scotty was a big Michael fan long before we even knew about NASCAR so we invited him along for this special event. I wanted him to see how I watched racing. I know he probably had had enough of our family by yesterday but I hope and think he had a good time. So for my first thank you: Scotty-thank you for putting up with all of the ya ya I know you live with enough of that. I also apologize for Hayden being a terrible bed partner but glad he reminded of you of Jamie when he took up the entire bed. Thank you for sharing such a very special weekend with us.

Of course, we had a story to tell before we even left the Shreveport airport and of course at my expense. As we were walking toward security I was reminding all of the guys that they could not have pocket knives and of course they were like DUH!!! Well, when they scanned my purse they called a couple of security guards over to review it and one of them said “Mam, do you have a knife in there?” which of course I replied “no sir”. “Are you sure?” “yes sir”. This line of questioning went on for another 3 are you sure’s and then he proceeded to empty my purse. All the time the boys are standing far away LAUGHING! I had forgotten that months ago I had put one of those cute little multi purpose tools in my purse, it was about 2 inches long, pink with the word princess on it. I don’t even think it had a knife on it but I didn’t get to explain. I had 2 choices, I could take it all the way back to the car or they could keep it. It only cost me 99 cents so not worth my walk back to the car but I am also sure not worth being able to hurt anyone but needless to say I watched them throw my princess tool away. I then was the joke of the day.

We had a connection in Memphis is which we had just enough time to jump from terminal to terminal only to find out that there was a slight mechanical problem. As I sat there and looked around a pair of men caught my attention and all I could think of was a question Stanton had asked at this first NASCAR race, “What’s a redneck?” I can write this and be politically correct because I am married to a big redneck. What was even funnier is that as we were boarding they said “just get me to Detroit to my NASCAR race”. I think it had only been a few minutes before that I had said that exact same thing. Does that make me a redneck?

We had a smooth flight to Detroit and I had my many usual conversations with God. Still not sure why but I love to pray when I am way above the clouds. I also got to read some neat devotionals this week that you will be hearing over the course of the week. They are actually from NASCAR books.

We landed, headed to the rental car place and this is where Scotty took over. He got us a very nice car with this neat little device called “Never Lost”. By the time the weekend was over I decided why the men liked it so much, first of all they never had to stop and ask for directions, some sweet voice came on and told them where to go. She rewarded them with a ding everytime they did the right thing, and they could turn her on and off when they wanted to. Being married to “Miller” girls, I am sure this was a big attraction. We made it to the hotel, got a bite to eat and headed for Domino’s Farms which is where Domino’s Pizza National Headquarters is. This place was AMAZING!!!! The décor was incredible. We were greeted by Angie H. and Dave Brandon who is the CEO of Domino’s.. I was so glad to get to thank him personally for not only how great Domino’s had treated our family but also for their partnership with St. Jude’s. There were many people at the headquarters who had heard of us and were waiting with open arms. It was great to meet all of these people who without ever meeting them felt like family. I cannot stress what an incredible company I think Domino’s is and from every employee I talked to they agreed with me. Their partnership with St. Jude goes all the way down the ladder and is not just an upper management thing. I haven’t met one employee yet that didn’t know about the partnership and how they were helping the kids at St. Jude. My next thank you is to Mr. Brandon: I have often been told as a manager that you can tell what kind of manager you are by the employees you have. You have got to be incredible and it shows through every employee that we have ever met from Domino’s. Domino’s enabled us to make some very special memories with Stanton and for that I will be forever grateful. For this weekend, you will never know how much it meant for us to come see the headquarters and so many of the employees, those we had met and those we hadn’t. Thank you again for that wonderful opportunity. By then I has my eyes on Marcy. Marcy if you remember was our personal assistant in Charlotte who by the time we left was so much more. She, like it or not was family. She flew all the way down and surprised us at Stanton’s Celebration Service. We have kept in touch but there is just something about a big ol hug that makes things better. So I guess now for my next thank you: Marcy-you know that there is no way in the world I could put my thank you to you in words. You are an amazing person and I am so proud of you. I know this weekend was BIG and you did great. I will forever love you no matter how far away you are. Your family was incredible and that Kylie, I could just take her home with me. It is obvious that she has had an incredible role model. You made a statement this weekend about wanting to make a difference, well I can say that you have made a difference in not only mine but Jeff, Hayden’s and Scotty’s as well not to mention my little angel. Thank you just really doesn’t cut it.

From here we got to go to the Domino’s test kitchen and actually make a pizza. Jeff was quick to point out to me what a kitchen was. We all had a good time but I have to say I think Hayden made the best pizza. We left Domino’s not only with out supper for the night but each of us had lots of goodies. We went back to the hotel to rest up for the big day ahead of Friday, in which we would be make believe Domino’s employees.

This is getting pretty long and I can’t leave you without sharing one of the many devotionals I read over the weekend so I will share it and pick up with the story on Friday tomorrow.

I have been reading “Darrell Waltrip One-on-One The Faith that took him to the finish line.” I have really enjoyed reading it. It is written by Darrell and Jay Carty. Darrell tells a story, usually a racing one and Mr. Carty follows it with a devotional to go with it. This one was entitled “On the Move”.

Darrell talks about the life of a NASCAR driver and how they are constantly on the go. Each weekend they are somewhere different and he raced in a time before they had their own traveling motorhomes. He spent a lot of time in hotel rooms. He describes it as being like a wandered. That is until they started bringing their homes with them which gave them a small sense of normalcy.

The devotional part talked about Moses and how he was a wanderer too. As God appeared and told Moses and his people what to do or where to go that is what they did.. Never knowing what was going to happen next or when they constantly looked for God to give them the answers. From this sense, things really haven’t changed that much since Moses. God still wants us to be constantly concentrating on Him, waiting for direction. He wants us restfully available and instantly obedient.

We don’t know when He is going to move us and we don’t know where we will be going, but just like the wanders of old we must be ready to move at a moments notice. There may be times when we want to move but God wants us to stay put. Our job is to let God be in charge of our schedule.

I think this is an area in which I am struggling. I know that there is a plan and that God will let me know what it is in His time, but patience is something I have always struggled with. I am still so very thankful that I have the Almighty Father making my schedule.

Tomorrow will be Hayden’s first day of his Sophomore year. I missed his first day of school last year. I guess each year it will always break my heart because it is one more year of him being “grown”. He has a very tough schedule this year so he will be needing many prayers.

Waiting on my Schedule
Tina

By the way, Jamie’s MRI was okay and I failed to mention a new addition to our extended family. Casey, Dean and Carson Fields have a new addition to their family. Addison Marie was born on Friday the 19th. Both mom and baby are doing well.

Monday, August 22, 2005 8:45 PM CDT

hey yall..
updatin for mom she is so tired and she said she will let yall no how the weekend went but now you get my version..

How many of yall have heard of MCA platnium recording artist SUGARLAND... they sing baby girl and something more.. well they were in concert after the DOMINOS PIZZA 250 more on that in a minute. but they were in concert afterwards.. and as awsome as dominos is they got me liek in the vip hospitality tent which is by the stage and were every one can go on and off the stage with the band.. well when i got there (at this time it was just me not mom or dad) we ran in to buffy and macy waltrip michals wife and child.. well we visited for a lil while.. buffys from monroe so shes a louisiana gurl.. she is realy sweet. and so is macy.. well one the people they were with came and got macy and buffy to take them on stage buffy asked me to come with them so i got to watch the concert on the stage with buffy and macy IT WAS SOOOOOOOOOOOO COOOOL.. well when we came down i relied how big the vip place i was at was when i saw elliot sadler watching the concert from the same spot I thought the nite couldnt get any better.. but it did when me n mom and marcy were leavin we saw a whole lot of dominos pizza coming off a motor coach.. well marcy asked a guy to ask the people inside if we could come in and say hey.. well they said yes we went in and low and behold there was sugarland.. yes platinum recording artist sugarland I WAS ON THERE MOTOR COACH!!!!!!!!!!!! it was sooooo cool... we visited for a while she said i had a pretty name and pretty eyes.. i was like on cloud 99 then.. we got an autograph.. and we were back on the golfcart to the bus to the hotel... that was saturday at the awsome DOMINOS PIZZA 250 they did a great job they debuted a new pizza it was the new steak fanatick pizza its realy good everyone should go try it.. well they didnt get to do all the opening cerimonies like they wanted to because of the rain... so they contitued them over to the nextel cup race sunday it was cool because ms marcy got to drive the pace car I love her soooooooo much shes like the coolest lady in the world... well before we watched the race we went to driver introduction were all the big shots walked like 2 feet in front of us that was sooooooooooo cool. this weekend was awsome thank you so much dominos for all you all did.. christy karen kara all of yall mr mac thnck yall so much well we got on our plane and it was like 70 degerees it felt realy good.. we landed and they lost my luggage.. so that was realy stress full well i called a second ago and they said it came in on another flite sooooo its now a waiting game well mom will update tomorrow have a good week...

hayden

p.s.. im so sorry ms jan and everyone one else at ktbs 3 news i thought i was gonna be able to come tomorrow but my coach told me a time that was inacurate.. so0o iwas supose to have practise at 3 but they changed it today to 10... im so sorry i would skip practice bit ive already missed to much im so sorry i wish i could be there

mom- i love you so much stay strong you are truly and inspiration to me.. i dont see how you do all you do

EVERYONE ORDER DOMINOS PIZZA AT LEAST ONCE THIS WEEK BUT IF YOUR A REAL TROOPER ORDER MORE PLEASE COMMENT AND TELL US WHO REALY DID ORDER THE PIZZA..

waltrip family- thnack yall for all you did it is such a pleasure to get to visit with yall

ms marcy ms marcy ms marcy what is there to say i love you so much come see us down here some time

stanton- i love you and miss you sooooooooooooo much i realy wishh i could just kiss your balled head just one more timee... love you ... bubby

Wednesday, August 17, 2005 9:35 PM CDT

I will apologize right off because this will be short but I promise when we get back I will make up for it. We leave bright and early in the morning and are really looking forward to the weekend.

Please pray for safe travels to and from Detroit. We will be returning on Monday and I will post details of the trip. I am already looking forward to meeting one of our many prayer warriors.

On Saturday my sister will be having an MRI to see why she is having headaches. Please pray that this will be uneventful and that they will find nothing major wrong but also will be able to effectively treat these headaches.

More when we get back
Tina

Tuesday, August 16, 2005 9:23 PM CDT

Okay, another very busy day! 3 years ago when I talked Jamie into letting Mary Claire take dancing lessons I began buying her dancing clothes and shoes for her. I have always had fun doing it and this year Ellyn Kate is joining in, so today we got to go buy dancing shoes. There are just some things that money can’t buy and the look on her face when she put on her ballet shoes is one of those things. It didn’t take much to remind me why I love to do it so. I left the store with not only new shoes but with 2 kids in tow as well. They decided they were coming to work with me. We were having a surprise party for Leslie, an employee of mine who is going to nursing school so I knew they would have fun. Elynn Kate becomes the little socialite when she comes to work with me, she was hilarious.

We had a house full of visitors this evening. Our favorite pediatrician and her sister stopped by with their children tonight. It is nothing like having a house FULL of kids. These 2 women have been incredible friends and we love when they stop by to visit.

Tomorrow will be busy as well because I will be off Thursday, Friday and Monday. I know you are thinking I just had a vacation but this is a very special opportunity. We will be going to Michigan (Jeff, me, Hayden and Scotty) to the home of the Domino’s headquarters where we will get to meet so many people that have been a part of our lives although we have never met them as well as get to see those that we have met and grown to love again! You see, this weekend will be the Domino’s 250 Busch series NASCAR race and Michael will be racing the 2005 Domino’s car. We will be attending special events at the track Friday, Saturday and Sunday. Hopefully getting a chance to thank Michael, Buffy and Waltrip racing for everything they have done for us personally. I have not shared this because I wanted to make sure all of the details were final. I never in my wildest dreams imagined I would be excited about going to a NASCAR race but I can’t wait. Once again, this will be a very bittersweet weekend as this was Stanton’s hobby that we all got involved in. Some of our greatest memories with Stanton were from our previous NASCAR experience.

Please pray for Jeff and his dad tomorrow evening as they will be traveling to pick up Hayden from football camp a day early so he can go with us.

Also special prayer requests for Christal tonight. They did not get the news they were hoping for today. They should have a new game plan by Thursday.

Thank you all for the guestbook entries and the words of support. It has been a very difficult week.

In Him
Tina

Monday, August 15, 2005 8:56 PM CDT

It is days like today that I hate in one sense but love in another. It was a very stressful day at work but it sure makes the time go by quickly with time to think about nothing but work. I think Jeff had the same kind of day.

Hayden got off for football camp and will be there until Wed. when Jeff and his dad will head down to pick him up. I will fill you in on why they are picking him up a day early later.

Last night I got a chance to visit with Sug, Jeff's grandmother for a little while. Our air conditioner was out and I don't do heat well so I went to visit with her. It is not often that we get a chance to visit just the two of us. I have told you before that I think Sug is an incredible lady that I respect so very much! Thank you Sug for just visiting with me last night and letting me just talk about whatever. It's those moments that are so special.

My devotional tonight is kind of a follow-up to last nights in teaching us to allow God to carry out burdens. This is a lesson that I don't think we could ever get enough of. It is one thing to say it but a whole other issue to actually practice it. I know that everybody at times has burdens that just seem unbearable but what a relief to know that there is someone to carry those burdens for us.

Where to Go When in Need
Hebrews 4:13-16

Whenever situations in our lives become so burdensome that we can't go
on alone, where do we go? The world waves many temptations in our
faces, hoping we would select them over the only place we need to go: the
throne of God.

A.W. Tozer writes, "We cannot think rightly of God until we begin to
think of Him as always being there, and there first." God desires to bear
our burdens and give us the help that we need. He is there and should
be our first option in times of trials and tribulations.

But why God? Why should we go to Him first and only?

Whenever we are struggling, we want someone who can relate to our
circumstances. We want someone who knows us. We want someone who can give us
assurance.

When Jesus came to earth as a man, He went through all the same trials
and tribulations in life we go through. We also discover that God knows
us better than anyone else. (v. 13) Our lives are "laid bare" before
Him.

So, if God suits the profile of the person we desire to relate to us,
why turn to anyone else? He desires for us to draw near to Him "so that
we may receive mercy and find grace to help in time of need" (v. 16).
God has given us access to His throne of grace so we would go to Him.
Why would we go anywhere else? Where else can we go to have our every
need met?

Special prayer requests for Christal this week as she is doing scans. We need to bombard the throne with a request for an improvement in Christal's scans. Chris, Christal, Drew, Lois, and Kylie-we love you guys and are praying for you all this week.

Laying my burdens at the throne
Tina

Sunday, August 14, 2005 9:24 PM CDT

As I am sure you could tell yesterday was a bery tough day for me. The firsts still do me in. When I ask what you all wanted to hear one of the responses was "How can we help you?" I decided I might share some of the things that help me as a grieving mother that might also help others. First of all one thing you are already doing is signing the guestbook and letting us know that you haven't forgotten. My biggest fear I guess at this point is that people will forget Stanton and not talk about him anymore. For example, yesterday a phone call would have been nice from those closest to me if for nothing else but to say you were thinking about us. I will say I got one and Sherri you will never ever know how much it meant that you remembered. We may be grieving but we still love to talk about Stanton and all that he means to us. Yes, it hurts a lot sometimes but the conversation usually ends with a smile. Please don't take this the wrong way, just an example of the small things that mean so much.

Tomorrow Hayden will be leaving for football camp. Please pray for safe travels, safe practices, and for the coaches as they teach these kids about football and being good role models.

I want to share and email with you:
The Ant and the Contact Lens:

A true story Brenda was almost halfway to the
> top of the tremendous granite cliff. She was standing on a ledge
where
> she
> was taking a breather during this, her first rock climb. As she
rested
> there, the safety rope snapped against her eye and knocked out her
> contact
> lens. "Great", she thought. "Here I am on a rock ledge, hundreds of
feet
>
> from the bottom and hundreds of feet to the top of this cliff, and
now
> my
> sight is blurry."
> She looked and looked, hoping that somehow it had landed on the
ledge.
> But
> it just wasn't there.
> She felt the panic rising in her, so she began praying. She prayed
for
> calm, and she prayed that she may find her contact lens.
>
> When she got to the top, a friend examined her eye and her clothing
for
> the
> lens, but it was not to be found. Although she was calm now that she
was
> at
> the top, she was saddened because she could not clearly see across
the
> range of mountains. She thought of the bible verse "The eyes of the
Lord
>
> run to and fro throughout the whole earth."
>
> She thought, "Lord, You can see all these mountains. You know every
> stone
> and leaf, and You know exactly where my contact lens is. Please help
> me."
>
>
>
>
> Later, when they had hiked down the trail to the bottom of the cliff
> they
> met another party of climbers just starting up the face of the cliff.
> One
> of them shouted out, "Hey, you guys! Anybody lose a contact lens?"
>
> Well, that would be startling enough, but you know why the climber
saw
> it?
> An ant was moving slowly across a twig on the face of the rock,
carrying
>
> it!
>
> The story doesn't end there. Brenda's father is a cartoonist. When
she
> told
> him the incredible story of the ant, the prayer, and the contact
lens,
> he
> drew a cartoon of an ant lugging that contact lens with the caption,
> "Lord,
> I don't know why You want me to carry this thing. I can't eat it, and
> it's
> awfully heavy. But if this is what You want me to do, I'll carry it
for
> You."
>
> I think it would do all of us some good to say, "God, I don't know
why
> You
> want me to carry this load. I can see no good in it and it's awfully
> heavy.
> But, if You want me to carry it, I will."
>
> God doesn't call the qualified, He qualifies the called.
>
>
> Yes, I do love GOD. He is my source of existence and my Savior. He
> keeps
> me functioning each and every day. Without Him, I am nothing, but
with
> Him....I can do all things through Christ which strengthens me.
(Phil.
> 4:13)

I think I could have used this lesson yesterday. It is a daily thing to give every burden that we have to God. He is big enough to handle anything we give Him.

Glad to have God on my side
Tina

By the way Jeff did okay at the skeet shoot but won both baseball games he played when we got home. Yes, you read right, a skeet shoot and 2 baseball games in one day.

Saturday, August 13, 2005 7:19 PM CDT

6 months=181 days=4344 hours=260640 minutes=15638400 seconds= one very broken hearted mother. There are no words tonight!

Blessed but still Broken
Tina

Thursday, August 11, 2005 8:55 PM CDT

Well, I have made everyone’s day with my beautiful sequined pirate patch. Mom shared a sword with me so I was either sword fighting or singing my pirate song. I did manage a few laughs from my staff. Jeff has a skeet shoot out of town tomorrow and Saturday so there will probably be no updates on those 2 days. Sorry! I will make it up to you.

As I was sitting there today reading the guestbook I came across a new one that I loved so I am moving it to the front page along with the words to a song that was playing when I was reading it. I think you will see the connection:

The Concert
When the house lights dimmed and the concert
was about to begin, the mother returned to
her seat and discovered that the child was missing
Suddenly, the curtains parted and spotlights
focused on the impressive Steinway on stage.
In horror, the mother saw her little
boy sitting at the keyboard, innocently picking out
"Twinkle,Twinkle Little Star."
At that moment, the great piano master made his entrance, quickly moved to the piano, and
whispered in the boy's ear,
"Don't quit.""Keep playing."
Then, leaning over, Paderewski reached
down with his left hand and began filling
in a bass part. Soon his right arm reached
around to the other side of the child,
and he added a running obbligato.
Together, the old master and the young novice
transformed what could have been a frightening situation into a wonderfully creative experience.
The audience was so mesmerized that they couldn't recall what else the great master played.
Only the classic,
" Twinkle, Twinkle Little Star."
Perhaps that's the way it is with God.
What we can accomplish on
our own is hardly noteworthy.
We try our best, but the results aren't always
graceful flowing music. However, with the
hand of the Master, our life's
work can truly be beautiful.
The next time you set out to accomplish great feats,
listen carefully. You may hear the voice of the
Master, whispering in your ear,
"Don't quit." "Keep playing."
May you feel His arms around you and
know that His hands are there, helping you
turn your feeble attempts into true masterpieces.
Remember, God doesn't seem to
call the equipped, rather, He equips the 'called.'
Life is more accurately measured by the lives you touch than by the things you acquire. So touch someone by passing this little message along.

May God bless you and be with you always!
and
remember ,
"Don't quit."
"Keep playing."

Don’t Give Up

Don’t give up
Someone really loves you
Don’t give up
Someone really cares
Don’t give up
Someone really loves you
And that someone is the Lord

Keep the faith
Someone really loves you
Keep the faith
Someone really cares
Keep the faith
Someone really loves you
And that someone is the Lord

I really liked the story because I am the first to admit that I could never have seen myself giving a testimony much less feeling like I did Tuesday night before and after. There was no fear just pure contentment. I also liked the part about things that acquired really aren’t anything. I think way too often we get caught up in how much stuff we can accumulate and keeping up with the “Jones’” that we forget we can’t take that stuff with us when we got to heaven but we could possibly take someone with us. I really found it neat that the song came on the same time I was reading the story. I know there have been so many days and will be so many more that I have wanted to throw my hands in the air and say enough! I quit, I have had enough! Thank goodness my God is too good to let me do this so I am able to keep on keeping on.

Pray for safe travels as we go to the shoot this weekend as well as a safe shoot in general. I guess it wouldn’t hurt to ask that the guys all shoot good too. They are in such better moods when they are doing good. This is usually a weekend in which we have a lot of fun so I hope that we can have fun this year as well.

Never quitting, Keeping the Faith
Tina

Wednesday, August 10, 2005 7:42 PM CDT

Just for the record I don’t think I talked for an hour and forty minutes. It may have been close but I am not sure. No one got up and left so I guess I was okay.

I have to say what a blessing it was for me to speak to this group of women from Haynesville. We have often been asked to speak on behalf of St. Jude but this was the first time I was actually asked to give our testimony in addition to talking about St. Jude. I must say that I have been praying about what I needed to say for weeks now. I finally decided to do as always and that is to speak from my heart. You can’t go wrong if it comes from the heart. I did have some notes as I didn’t want to ramble (we might still be there if I hadn’t). I left with such a feeling of contentment and feeling so blessed. I guess I had never actually sat down and documented all of the answered prayers and blessings we have had during our journey. Yes, there were and continue to be many. Mom went with me and we actually did pretty good with the tears. Stanton story: While we were at St. Jude we were often asked to speak. The deal was I would speak and Jeff would be in charge of Stanton. Speaking was the easy part. Well, one day when Mom was up there I got asked to speak so I told her that her job was to take care of Stanton. That was much easier said than done. He climbed under the tables, ran around and was his typical self. Mom kept saying “he really is sick”. Last night Jabu the dog went with us for my prop and mom was in charge of keeping up with the stuffed dog. She did much better with the dog that she did with Stanton. To all of the ladies who were there last night: Thank you so much for asking me to come speak. I was blessed more than you know. I actually enjoyed the speaking and would love more opportunities to do the same.

Yesterday my eye was a little red and I was afraid I was getting pink eye. Of course it couldn’t be that simple. This morning when I woke up my eye was matted together and HURT! I went to the doctor to find out my cornea is swollen and irritated and basically I have no vision out of my left eye. The best thing for it besides the drops is to keep it out of light so being the innovative person I am, rather than sitting in the dark I am wearing a patch. My staff decided the black patch was really not me so they decorated it with sequins. Boy am I making a fashion statement.

I continue to thank you for the prayers and support. I love hearing from you and would love any ideas for devotionals or things that you may want to hear.

Blessed
Tina

Tuesday, August 9, 2005 10:11 PM CDT

Well Tina got a litle long winded tonight at her speaking engagement at First Baptist Church of Haynesville. They gave her 40 min.and she talked for 1hr and 40 min.And Hayden fell asleep around 9o'clock so ya'll get the third choice me.He really must have been tired he didn't stay on the computer any.Not much going on around here just missing our baby sorry it is so short but I'm sleepy too. MayGod be with you Jeff

Monday, August 8, 2005 8:35 PM CDT

Tuesday August 9: Another update to the update. I wanted to share with everyone that I will be speaking at the FBC in Haynesville this evening at 6:30. Mrs. Louise has said that anyone who wants to come can and if you can't be there please pray that I can speak from my heart about Stanton, our journey, St. Jude and RMH. Thanks so much!

Tuesday, August 9: I wanted to mention another special angel who earned her wings one year ago today. Hanna www.caringbridge.org/ms/hanna. Her mom is asking everyone to release a balloon at 5 today in memory of Hanna. Even if you can't get a balloon please stop byand let them know you are praying from them. Let them know that Stanton sent you.

Okay, I have had more than one person ask me about the poem on the memory marker so I decided to put it on the site tonight. I am sorry about the picture but it is about as good as we could do but I think you get the idea. The poem was written by Brenda Werner specifically for Stanton.

Hugs and Kisses from Heaven

I know you miss my smiling face
And the twinkle in my eye.
But please don’t cry and be so sad.
We’ll meet again by and by.

I send you hugs and lots of kisses
From this beautiful place I am in.
There’s so many things for me to do.
I don’t know where to begin!

The sun is always shining,
Just like the brightest day.
So there is lots of time for me
To laugh and sing and play.

I never seem to get too tired
Or have to take a nap.
And if I want to sit awhile
I just crawl in Jesus’ lap.

He tells the “bestest” stories
And he holds me everyday.
There’s nothing to be afraid of
The cancer has gone away.

So, please don’t cry when you think of me,
Cause I am not very far away.
And we will get to hug again
When it’s your turn to fly some day.

I don’t think I have to tell you why we picked this particular poem. Brenda did a wonderful job of capturing Stanton’s spirit and as soon as I saw it I knew it was the “one”.

Hope you all are having a great week!

Thinking I’ll crawl in Jesus’ lap
Tina

Sunday, August 7, 2005 7:41 PM CDT

To be quite honest I am really not up to updating tonight but I had something very special I wanted to share with you. A little history: Hayden went to a valentine's dance a couple of years ago with a girl named Kelsey. Every time Stanton saw her he loved on her and said she was his girlfriend. When we got the pictures back he made a point of telling everyone that Kelsey was his boyfriend not Bubba's. Kelsey took it all in stride and loved on him every chance that she got. Even in Memphis if you asked him who his girlfriend was he would say Kelsey. I think it is safe to say he loved her so. Well, she wrote the sweetest poem for him and I wanted to share it with you all:

Angel

I once knew a boy
not quite three feet high.
He always dreamed
of being able to fly.

He laid in a bed
almost every day,
such a strong little boy
who loved to play.

He had so many friends
he touched not only my heart,
this little boy,
man he was so smart.

He loved to play baseball,
he would have made it to home plate,
I promised I would come watch him,
but now it is too late.

He finally got to fly,
way up in the sky.
We sih he was here,
and we think of him with every tear.

I bet he was wings
that are the prettiest in heaven.
Out of any color in the rainbow,
I bet he has all seven.

I used to hug this boy
and hold him real tight.
I love this tiny angel
with all of my might!

Someday I will see him,
as well as many others too.
Oh my tiny angel,
how I love and miss you!

I loved this and Kelsey, it is safe to say that you held a special place in Stanton's heart and continue to hold that special place in ours.

Missing my Angel
Tina

Saturday, August 6, 2005 11:18 AM CDT

Okay, I tricked you again. How about a morning update? We went out last night and didn’t get home until late so I went to bed. Yes, Jeff called me a “Granny” but I have just about gotten my sleep pattern back in order and I do not want to mess it up.

I have no big plans for the day. I’ll take Hayden to work and then probably go visit the angel garden. Jeff is skeet shooting. He has a shoot next weekend and is a little or maybe a lot out of practice. He also has a baseball game tonight. Maybe he can make it through this one without pulling something. I am not sure there is anything else to pull.

It is days like today when I miss Stanton the most. There are so many things we could have done that he loved. Last night in the Bass Pro Shop it seemed odd to be leaving without him and a bag of toys. Everywhere we looked we saw things that he would enjoy. I know that this is something that we will deal with forever and that the hurt will get better. I have read in more than one devotional this week, “The more you love, the more it hurts”. I have been reading several books on grief but I thought that most of you probably needed to hear something other than what I am learning on grief although I will share occasionally so that if you are ever in the position you can help someone grieve. But for today I want to share from “Grace for the Moment”

Psalm 37:4
Enjoy serving the Lord, and He will give you what you want.

When we submit to God’s plans, we can trust our desires. Our assignment is found at the intersection of God’s plan and our pleasures. What do you love to do? What brings you joy? What gives you a sense of satisfaction?

Some long to feed the poor. Others enjoy leading the church…Each of us has been made to serve God in a unique way…

The longings of your heart, then , are not incidental; they are critical messages. The desires of your heart are not to be ignored; they are to be consulted. As the wind turns the weather vane, so God uses your passions to turn your life. God is too gracious to ask you to something you hate.

I read this and thought about some of the true desires of my heart. They are a little personal so I will wait and share them when I quit ignoring them and decide to act. I have continued to say that God has something much bigger planned for me I just have to figure out what it is. I will start by consulting these desires and see where it leads.

“If you want to hear God laugh tell Him “your” plans!

Searching my heart
Tina

Thursday, August 4, 2005 8:54 PM CDT

Okay, I am beginning to get jealous. When I update I get very few guestbook entries, but when Hayden updates everyone writes. Just kidding, I am so thankful that he will update for me every now and then. It gives me a little insight into his heart as well. He really is an amazing kid that God has blessed me with. He is really working hard at football and I hope he gets to see some playing time. He seems to be enjoying it more this year. He is still working so he is pretty busy between 1 and 7. I love to hear how hard he worked and how tired he is, like Jeff and I do nothing all day. Kids are hilarious. He was actually very good with Mary Claire last night too. They played some Disney game without any fights.

Elynn Kate did great with her surgery. Being the home body that she is the first thing she said when she woke up was "I wanna go home". Needless to say it did not take them long to get her to drink something so she could go home. When I talked to Jamie she was eating and drinking a little bit but did say it hurt.

We thought you all may wonder why Mary Claire and I were having Tina time when it was Elynn Kate having surgery. Well, they had to be at the hospital very early this morning so I volunteered to let Mary Claire spend the night and I would drop her off at the hospital on my way to work. They should have been just about finished when actually they finished before we left town. Mary Claire does do my ego good, she is the first to tell you how wonderful and beautiful you are. Yes, I am easy. I must say thought that there is nothing that makes me feel any better these days than to fall asleep with her curled up on my arm with her arms around me. She did great but did tell on me because I didn't feed her breakfast. Oops!

I couldn't be happier that tomorrow is Friday. It has been a long week and I am looking forward to a restful weekend. I did get my final arrangements made at work today for me to go to my National Convention in San Diego in October. I have to have 30 CE hours every 2 years and as you can imagine I didn't get any last year so this is the best way to get many not to mention to get away with a great friend of mine and see a part of the world that I have never seen.

I hope to post a picture of the memory marker soon. You just have to have the right lighting or there is too much a reflection.

I continue to be amazed at how God is working in each of our lives. I can't even begin to give you all of the examples but it is so clear that He is right here with us, wiping every tear, carrying us when we cannot walk, and singing us to sleep when sleep won't come.

Thank you once again for your continued support and prayers, we will forever be grateful for the ways in which you have changed our lives.

Sleeping in His lap tonight
Tina

Wednesday, August 3, 2005 9:51 PM CDT

hey yall my mom asked me to update.. i told her i
only had 1 good one a week but she insisted i try.
we realy love readin all yalls comments it is so reasursing
and comfortable and peaceful so please keep them comin..

sPEACIAL PRAYERS
kate kate (elynn kate) is havin surgery tomorrow. TONsilS

thats the reason mom cant update her n mary claire are havin
tina time..

Well i started football monday. its been fun these past couple of
days have been better than monday cause its a little cooler. its just
miserable out in the heat!!!! but im doin what i gotta do.. i doubt i get
to start this year but im gonna work my hardest to earn a spot.

i think this is the verse mom told to put

Do not be conformed to this world but be transformed by the renewal of your mind,
that you may prove what is the will of God, what is good and acceptable and perfect
Romans 12:2

i dont have any good songs for the nite

missing a piece
to the puzzle
HAYDEN

Tuesday, August 2, 2005 9:22 PM CDT

In case you missed the first part of last nights entry I have posted a picture of the quilt that Joyce did on the photos page.

Today I got some special visitors at work for lunch. Mary Claire and Elynn Kate came and we had a picnic in my office. They were so cute and so sweet. Elynn Kate will eat you out of house and home if you don't watch her.

I have no news on Jake's scans yet so keep checking his site.

I found this email devotional on doors that God may close and I thought I would share it with you. I know throughout my life I have gotten frustrated because it seemed like things that I really wanted God seemed to shut the door on. I would get angry and frustrated only to find out later that God had a bigger and better door ready to open. It seems like right now he has shut a HUGE door in my life and all I can do is wait to see what door is going to open. This devotional will give you just a few reasons why God may choose to keep the doors closed.

Confronting Closed Doors
Acts 16:6-10

God has the power to open any closed door-no circumstance is too difficult for Him to overcome. Yet He may choose to let things that seem important to us remain blocked. Why does the Lord allow doors to shut?

Protection. Perhaps He is trying to keep us from making a mistake. On our own, we may not have sufficient knowledge to make right choices.

Redirection. God could be sending us down a new path. His plan might include bigger opportunities for us, a wider area of service, more fruitfulness, deeper satisfaction, a season of suffering, or an opportunity to glorify His name. God closed doors in Asia so that the apostle Paul would minister on the continent of Europe. His obedience led to greater fruitfulness-the churches at Philippi, Thessalonica, and Corinth-and more knowledge for us through his letters to them. Though Paul experienced much suffering, he also knew the joy of participating in God's work.

Testing. When God says "No," our faith is tested, and we discover what we really believe about Him and His plans.

Perseverance. In these roadblocks, we have an opportunity to develop steadfastness, an vital quality for believers. (Romans 5:3-5)

Timing. Our Father places stop signs along our path in order to work out the correct timing for His will.

Disobedience. Past waywardness can affect future experiences and blessings.

When our way is stopped, we must look to God and seek His purpose for the interruption.

I hope someone out there finds this as helpful as I did.

Looking at a closed door
Tina

Monday, August 1, 2005 9:30 PM CDT

Yeah! It looks like I finally was able to add a picture to the photo album. It is a picture of the quilt Joyce made. It is big and you have to scroll back and forth to see it but worth it.

Once again, my incredible child surprised me! When I looked at the website today I couldn’t figure out why it was so long. It took me a minute to realize what he had done. I have never heard the second song but he promises he will share it with me.

I can’t believe it is already August. For some reason I hate the beginning of new months. No good reason why. I guess it is the anticipation of more firsts.

We went to Nana Raborn’s visitation last night. It was good to see everyone I just hate the circumstances. Jake looked great and he and Jeff had a good time. Please remember this family again tomorrow as Jake has his scans.

I have had 2 incredible days in the Lord’s House and feel I have so much to share with you but I decided to share with you a funny email I received. Tonight the preacher was one who made you laugh the entire time you were listening so I thought I would share something that may make you laugh or at least stop and think.

EVER WONDER where we are headed...
Why the sun lightens our hair,
but darkens our skin?

Why women can't put on mascara
with their mouth closed?

Why you don't ever see the headline:
"Psychic Wins Lottery"?

Why "abbreviated" is such a long word?

Why Doctors call what they do "practice"?

Why you have to click on "Start"
to stop Windows 98?

Why lemon juice is made with artificial flavor, while dishwashing
liquid is made with real lemons?

Why the man who invests all your money is called a "Broker"?

Why there isn't mouse flavored cat food?

Who tastes dog food when it has a "new & improved" flavor?

Why Noah didn't swat those two mosquitoes?

Why they sterilize the needle for lethal injections?
Why they don't make the whole plane out of the material used for the
indestructible black box?

Why sheep don't shrink when it rains?

Why they are called apartments when they are all stuck together?

If con is the opposite of pro, is Congress the opposite of progress?

Why they call the airport "the terminal" if flying is so safe?
AND...

In case you need further proof that the human race is doomed because of
stupidity, here are some actual label instructions on consumer goods.

On a Myer hairdryer:
"Do not use while sleeping".
(Darn, and that's the only time I have to work on my hair).

On a bag of Chips:
You could be a winner! No purchase necessary. Details inside.
(The shoplifter special?)

On a bar of Palmolive soap:
"Directions: Use like regular soap".
(And that would be how???)

On some frozen dinners:
"Serving suggestion: Defrost".
(But, it's just a suggestion).

On Nanna's Tiramisu dessert
(printed on bottom):
"Do not turn upside down".
(Well...duh, a bit late, huh)!

On Marks & Spencer Bread Pudding:
"Product will be hot after heating".
(And you thought????...)

On packaging for a K-Mart iron:
"Do not iron clothes on body".
(But wouldn't this save me more time?)

On Boot's Children Cough Medicine:
"Do not drive a car or operate machinery after taking this medication".
(We could do a lot to reduce the rate of construction accidents if we
Could just get those 5 year olds with head colds off those forklifts.)

On Nytol Sleep Aid:
"Warning: May cause drowsiness".
(And...I'm taking this because???)

On most brands of Christmas lights:
"For indoor or outdoor use only".
(As opposed to...what?)

On a Japanese food processor:
"Not to be used for the other use".
(Now, somebody out there, help me on this. I'm a bit curious.)

On Nobby's peanuts:
"Warning: contains nuts".
(Talk about a news flash!)

On an American Airlines packet of nuts:
"Instructions: Open packet, eat nuts".
(Step 3: maybe, uh...fly Delta?)

I don't blame the company; I blame the parents for this one:

On a child's superman costume:
"Wearing of this garment does not enable you to fly".

On a Swedish chainsaw:
"Do not attempt to stop chain with your hands or genitals".
(Was there a lot of this happening somewhere?)

Hope you find some humor in this. Don’t forget to add a few extra prayers for Hayden. He started football practice today.

I will close with the verse that starts the month of August in “Grace for the Moment”

2 Peter 3:18

“But grow in the grace and knowledge of our Lord and Savior Jesus Christ.

Still Trusting Him
Tina

Sunday, July 31, 2005 9:53 PM CDT

I wasn't going to update tonight as I have so much work to finish but I had to share a very special story with you.

Jamie called tonight and said that Mary Claire had read her Bible all the way to church and all the way home from church. When they got home she asked if the story of baby Jesus was in her Bible. Jamie explained that the story was in everyones Bible. Mary Claire then wanted to know where in her Bible she could find stories about Stanton (of course what else would she think everyone else in the Bible is in heaven). When Jamie explained to her that there were no stories about Stanton she said "Well, I think it is about time somebody rewrote this book with some Stancie stories in it." Out of the mouth of babes. Once again, if life were as simple as that of the heart of a child.

Sorry to be so short!

Trying to look through the eyes of a child
Tina

she was gonna stop there but hayden to the rescue i no yall need yalls devotion to start off the week. she doesnt no im doing this hope yall enjoy

My mom was tired and didnt have time to do a devotion so maybe this
can be somones devotional. im just gonna add some of my favoite song
lyrics. on here. they mean a lot to me som maybe they do the same to you.
my mom is so hard working maybe me doing this can helo her out so hope yal
enjoy

simple plan untitled

INFORMATION » LYRICS » UNTITLED
I open my eyes
I try to see but I'm blinded
By the white light
I can't remember how
I can't remember why
I'm lying here tonight
And I can't stand the pain
And I can't make it go away
No I can't stand the pain

How could this happen to me?
I made my mistakes
Got no where to run
The night goes on
As I'm fading away
I'm sick of this life
I just wanna scream
How could this happen to me?

Everybody's screaming
I try to make a sound
But no one hears me
I'm slipping off the edge
I'm hanging by a thread
I wanna start this over again
So I try to hold onto
A time when nothing mattered
And I can't explain what happened
And I can't erase the things that I've done
No I can't

How could this happen to me?
I made my mistakes
Got no where to run
The night goes on
As I'm fading away
I'm sick of this life
I just wanna scream
How could this happen to me?

I've made my mistakes
Got no where to run
The night goes on
As I'm fading away
I'm sick of this life
I just wanna scream
How could this happen to me?

This is the song i was listening to when i found out little miss
emma grace earned her angel wings. i love this song it goes over my
whole life or at least the lst 2 years

Another awsome song is this next one i love it so much. we should all
do as this and the world would be more peaceful.

sawyer brown
they dont understand

Mother riding on a city bus
Kids are yelling kickin' up a fuss
Everybody's staring not knowing what she's goin' through
Somebody said, ''Don't you even care
Do you let them do that everywhere?''
She slowly turned around, looked up and stared
She said, ''Please forgive them, but they've been up all night
Their fathers struggled but he finally lost his life
He went to heaven in the middle of the night
So please forgive my children, they don't understand.''

Chorus:
Everybody's busy with thier own situation
Everybody's lost in their own little world
Bottled up, hurried up trying to make a dream come true
They don't understand.
Everybody's living like there ain't no tomorrow
Maybe we should stop and take a little time
'Cause you never really know what your neighbors going through
They don't understand.

Man driving on the interstate
Slowing down traffic making everybody wait
And everybody's staring not knowing what he's going through
Somebody honked from the passing lane
Yelled out the window, ''I ain't got all day.''
The old man looked around and he caught his eye
He said.'' Please forgive me you know it's been a long life
My wife has passed away and my kids don't have the time
I've been left all alone and it's gettin' hard to drive
So please forgive me children, they don't understand.''

Chorus:
Everybody's busy with thier own situation
Everybody's lost in their own little world
Bottled up, hurried up trying to make a dream come true
They don't understand.
Everybody's living like there ain't no tomorrow
Maybe we should stop and take a little time
'Cause you never really know what your neighbors going through
They don't understand.

A man hanging on a wooden cross
Giving everything to save the lost
Everybody's staring not knowing what he's goin through
Somebody said, ''You don't have a prayer
If your a king come on down from there.''
The man just turned his head looked up and stared
He said, ''Please forgive them for they have not seen the light
They'll come to know me when I come back to life
Go to heaven to make everything alright
So please forgive your children, they don't understand.''

Chorus:
Everybody's busy with thier own situation
Everybody's lost in their own little world
Bottled up, hurried up trying to make a dream come true
They don't understand.
Everybody's living like there ain't no tomorrow
Maybe we should stop and take a little time
'Cause you never really know what your neighbors going through
They don't understand.

Mother riding on a city bus
Kids are yellin kickin' up a fuss
Everybody's staring not knowin what she's goin' through...

i love both of the songs add music and a voice u would truley get the whole feel of song they are both beautiful

have a blessed week

missing bubby so much
hayden

Saturday, July 30, 2005 8:54 PM CDT

First and foremost I want to let the Raborn's know that we are praying for them and have thought about them all day. As a parent of a child with cancer you learn to never ask "What else?" but there can be days when that would be the question.

After being lazy this morning and finishing my book I decided I would go watch Jeff play softball. The tournament was put on in memory of a very special person, Sonny Rose. Sonny's story-One Saturday I think about 5 or 6 years ago Jeff and team played softball all day one Saturday and Sonny was a member of this team. After the tournament at some point during the night he had a car accident that took his life. I will never ever forget being in church Sunday morning when someone told me and I couldn't beleive it. We had just spent the day with him. I remember thinking then how your life could change in an instant and wondering and worrying about his mom, dad, brother and sister. Little did I know that this family would become such a special part of our life and share with us their pain. Susan (his mom) and I always run into each other at Wal-Mart (I know God has a hand in this because I hate going to Wal-Mart because people still don't know what to say so they just look at me funny or ask me how I am doing?) and she always has the kindest words to say and helps me to validate some of my feelings. I know I can share with her anything and she will understand. I ended up leaving the tournament to come home and get some work done but Jeff in them could come in no less than 3rd I think. It was fun to watch them win for a change.

I have often talked about how much Stanton taught us in his short life and I was reading a book today and I loved one of the paragraphs in it. It talks about terminally ill children and how God makes them wise beyond their years. It was kind of comforting to read because we always knew Stanton had an understanding beyond what we could have ever imagined.

"Though never documented in any textbook, I have observed one common characteristic in the dying children I've known. They seem to have a maturity and compassion for others far beyond their years. They are happy, giving, resilient, and courageous children. It is as if God has "grown them up" early up their special calling. You may be surprised to learn that a children's hospital can be a joyous place with more laughter than tears. Children are better equipped than adults to face death one reason: children know how to seize the moment, live life to the fullest today and not focus on the lost future. Children teach us how to help them die, embracing the life they have left."

I have to say that when I read this paragraph I had big tears in my eyes. It so accuratley describes the last moments of so many of the kids that we knew and loved at St. Jude especially Stanton. Up until his last breath there were moments when you wouldn't even have know he was sick. I promise you that every day that he had he lived to the fullest never looking back or forward to tomorrow. What a blessing he was and continues to be. Stanton-thank you for teaching us so much! I love you all the way to heaven and back!

I ask you to continue to keep Don, Jake and the rest of their family in your prayers as they have so much going on right now.

Wishing to have the heart of a child
Tina

Friday, July 29, 2005 8:50 PM CDT

SATURDAY MORNING: I ask for special prayers this morning as Jake's Nana earned her angel wings early this morning. This was Don's mom and I know he is devastated. Visit them at www.caringbridge.org/la/jakeowen

One more week down. It seems like sometimes I just count the days and the weeks. Not sure what I am counting down to. I guess until the day I see my baby again. This week was a big week for us and we sruvived. Work was crazy and I think that helped.

Tonight my daddy took me to supper. He had been telling me about this chinese restaraunt that had good sushi. I had never tried it but when I was in Memphis I promised him when I came home I would try it. I must say it wasn't bad. There was one that was my favorite and I would eat again. From there we had to go get Jeff some new work boots. We got into a conversation and something he said really made sense. It was something he wanted me to do and I really didn't want to. He said, what is it Tina? Are you afraid to have fun? You know it is okay to have fun Stanton would not want us to be miserable." I had to stop and think about it but he was probably right. I feel guilty when things seem normal or if I am having too much fun. I guess this too is something that will pass with time but Jeff is doing better at it than I am.

Once again, I was blessed with an email devotional that was shared with me and I want to pass it on:

The Fine Print
by John Fischer

We are pressed on every side by troubles, but we are not crushed. We are perplexed, but not driven to despair. We are hunted down, but never abandoned by God. We get knocked down, but we are not destroyed. Through suffering, our bodies continue to share in the death of Jesus so that the life of Jesus may also be seen in our bodies. (2 Corinthians 4:8-10 NLT)

These verses are what I call the fine print of the Christian life. When you sign up, you sign up for this, but unfortunately, not too many people read that far into the contract, and not enough leaders point it out. So when bad things start happening to us, we think something went wrong with our faith. Not necessarily, in fact, it’s an honor to think that your faith is worthy of being tested.

It’s a reverse spiritual principle that nonetheless is true: we get beaten down so that Christ might rise in us. It’s the whole idea God has of avoiding confusion. See, He doesn’t want people confusing human power and achievement with His power and what He is achieving in and through our lives. If all Christians were super-Christians, people would be impressed with them. As it is, God wants people to be surprised at us, not so much impressed — surprised that we can keep on believing, given what has happened to us. Surprised at us — impressed with God. That’s the way it should go.

It’s important to know this so that the things that happen don’t throw us into a tailspin. Paul wrote in the passage above that troubles, confusions, knock-downs and drag-outs, are all to be expected in a life of faith, and they are not just something to suck it up and endure, they are what will actually release the power of God in our lives. We encounter deathlike experiences so that Christ’s lifelike nature may clearly be seen in us, despite what is happening.

Let me try and say this again. This is not just endurance training through tough times. This is God’s strategy for ministry through us. There is no other way for it to be done. His strategy is His power and strength through our weakness — His life through our death. This doesn’t just happen to some Christians; it happens to us all if we desire to be effective in our faith.

So don’t forget the fine print today, and allow the troubles you face to springboard you into finding God’s purposes even in this. He had this planned all along. It’s even in the contract!

I read this and couldn't imagain why someone would think of me when they read this. I loved it. I know that there is a purpose to our trials but it is nice to be reminded every now and then. This devotional kind of reminded me of something a really smart man once said (thanks Barney) "God never promised a perfect life just His perfect love."

Trying to understand my contract
Tina

Thursday, July 28, 2005 8:48 PM CDT

I must say today was another one of those days which just didn't start out right. No particular reason but there are some days when the memories come flooding back and they aren't exactly the memories I want to remember. I got to work and it was carzy. I think everyone in the hospital had a problem and thought I had an answer and my mind was just not cooperating.

Then came lunch; Lori had asked me earlier in the week to go help her pick out a gift so by lunchtime I was ready to go. As the time played out we ended up at ElChico's greeted by my staff and many friends from work as well as my sister and Jan Elkins. Joyce had put together this little luncheon to unveil the quilt she had been working on. I am not easily surprised but they got me this time. I just sat there in tears as I watched Joyce and listened to all of the kind words whe had to say and then listened to Kathy sing a beautiful song. Yes, this was so very emotional. She then unveiled the quilt that she had been working on. She used shirts that were Stanton's (as you recall my grandmother did the same thing) and pictures. She loved the quilt Mamaw Miller did and wanted to try one. It turned out incredible and holds so many memories. Joyce-you know I cannot tell you how much this quilt means to me but not as much as the fact that you put so much time and love into it. Joe-I know it couldn't have been possible without you. Kathy-It was so great to finally meet you. The song was perfect. To all of my friends who were there I am so glad that you got to share in this very special moment. I am a blessed person to be surrounded by so many people who care so deeply.

I had gotten an email devotional this morning that I had already decided I would share just because of the title but after the events it seemed to fit.:

Quick Help Me Find a Rainbow

Key Verse:

Psalm 107:29-30, "He stilled the storm to a whisper; the waves of the sea were hushed. They were glad when it grew calm, and he guided them to their desired haven" (NIV).

Devotion:

Sheets of rain pelt the front bay window, again. The news reports of flooding throughout the nation. Homes wash away. Mudslides tear through communities. Storms rage outside my house, while inside my home mundane strife threatens a downpour of gloomy moods. It's a dismal day.

My friend, Tiffany Berg of Succeeding Gracefully, says, "Every girl should own two things, an umbrella and a feather boa. You never know what kind of day it's going to be!" Well, today happens to be an umbrella day. I need a large umbrella, but my heart desires a bright multi-colored rainbow to hover over me. And I want the rainbow now!

Do you recall the story of Noah? He built the boat, the animals came, it rained for days on end, and then God sent the rainbow. God spoke to Noah, "Whenever the rainbow appears in the clouds, I will see it and remember the everlasting covenant between God and all living creatures of every kind on the earth" (Genesis 9:16 NIV).

That promise gives me hope during the sundry storms of my life. The dishwasher floods the hardwood floors, the roof leaks, the kids catch the flu, my husband is laid-off, or I discover a lump. God's promise holds true in these types of storms as well as nature's downpours. Jesus promises, "In this world you will have trouble. But take heart! I have overcome the world" (John 16:33 NIV). He promises us peace through all the rough weather of life. His promise holds true because he has the power to fulfill the promise.

Let's look at a storm Christ's disciples went through in Matthew 8:

"Then he got in the boat, his disciples with him. The next thing they knew, they were in a severe storm. Waves were crashing into the boat - and he was sound asleep! They roused him, pleading, "Master, save us! We're going down!"

Jesus reprimanded them. "Why are you such cowards, such faint-hearts?" Then he stood up and told the wind to be silent, the sea to quiet down: "Silence!" The sea became smooth as glass. The men rubbed their eyes, astonished. "What's going on here? Wind and sea come to heel at his command!" (The Message)

Now here is what I love about Jesus. Not only did he calm a stormy sea, but also within the next few verses, he went on to heal two demon-possessed men and a paralytic. He is the Living Son of God who has the power to keep me safe and secure through any circumstantial tornado that rips through my life. He will guide me to a safe haven.

So, as the clouds continue to gather, I am going to find my umbrella. I am going outside to catch a glimpse of a multi-hued prism, the rainbow. Then I'll come inside and search for that feather boa. Because when the sunshine comes peeking through, I want to be ready for a new day.

You all know that I love rainbows and I love the promise from God about the rainbows. After I see a rainbow I can just envision Stanton and Emma Grace painting in the sky. I must say thought that today thanks to Joyce and all who participated I found my rainbow.

Looking for the Sonshine tomorrow
Tina

Wednesday, July 27, 2005 7:44 PM CDT

I guess I will never understand what I did to deserve the blessing of 2 very special boys. God has blessed beyond words. I am also so thankful that I am able to recognize how special they are and able to love them just a little bit more. I thought Hayden did a great job on the update last night (although I hope none of his English teachers are reading). I think he really let you see some of the “real” Hayden last night. He is funny, yet thankful and still missing his little brother terribly. I want to add to his thank you to Mrs. Libby who has been a wonderful lady to have as a first boss.

Today started off with a bang I guess you could say. I ran over an unavoidable boulder in the road. It was so big I could not go over it and when I swerved to miss it my back tire didn’t miss. Luckily I was not far from my daddy so I headed his way and before I got there, sure enough I had a flat. Yes, that makes 2 in less than 2 months. The good news is that we thought I was going to have to have a wheel as well but I think the tire will work. I know you all have often heard me talk about my daddy but I can’t even begin to tell you how much he means to me. He just went to work on my car this morning, never complaining, tried to calm me down and tell me it was okay and then gave me something to drive to work so he could get the tire put on. I was not hysterical but I had had enough. I know you would think I would have learned not to sweat the small stuff but I think after a while the small stuff adds up to big stuff.

I have had a couple of requests for pictures of the memory marker. As soon as I can get a good picture I will try to put it in the photos. I would love to share it with everyone.

I get so many neat emails and I try to share as many as possible. This one is about one of my favorite poems of all time so I have to share:

My wife, Nancy, and I were sitting in lawn chairs beside our RV at one of our 5 favorite beaches on the coast of California, USA. The sun was hot, there was a soft offshore breeze and we were basking in the sun reviewing some happenings, as well as some goals.
All of a sudden the silence was broken by a man carrying under one arm a small child and under the other arm a lot of beach paraphenalia. He kept saying, "Come on, come on."
We looked up and saw that lingering behind was a little girl, perhaps 4 or 5 who was refusing to come. Why? The sand was hot for her little feet. Regardless of the number of "come ons" she was not about to move.
So super lifeguard/sufer Neal (do you believe that?) to the rescue. I asked the guy, "Would you mind if I went to your daughter and carried her through the hot sand?" It was a predicted OK, so over I went. Approaching the little girl I said my name was Neal, what's yours? She would not allow me to pick her up until she got the nod from her father.
So, as I walked through the hot sand carrying her and looking down at the sand I could not help noticing ONE SET OF FOOTPRINTS and recalling that wonderful poem. It speaks of two sets and one set of prints in the sand. Why one at times? Answer is during the most troublesome times in my life God carried me.
My friend, life is not a beach, it is hot sand often. We all have it and the words for encouragement are found in Isaiah 46:4
"I will carry you, I will bear you up."
I make an acrostic from the word sand. S=stands for sorrow; A=adversities/afflictions; N=nuisances (you know, any annoying, unpleasant or obnoxious thing) D=dangers and the final S=storms. You sure have those, don't you.
In it all, my friend, acknowledge that God IS available to carry you through your hot sands of life.
I thought this was so appropriate since we had just gotten home from the beach. I must say I have been in some very hot sand the last few years and I am so thankful that I serve a God who is big enough to carry me through the sand and anything else I need him to carry me through.

As always just one set
Tina

Tuesday, July 26, 2005 8:49 PM CDT

HEY YALL, its hayden mom had somthing after work today so she was real tired.. so ill update for her. Yesterday alot of us met out at the angel garden and admired the perfect memory marker.. of course we had to speacial order the stone from a mountain in china.. we can never do anything thing easy but when it comes to stanton nothing never has been. well i recomend that all of you should make it out there and see it.. trust me its worth the trip. mary claire got the honer of puting the first flowers in the vase. there awsome.. and of course jamie added her matha stewart touch to it so it looks great.. well summers almost up and thats no fun. we start football practice next monday. im so ready for that... well school is almost here and alot of work to get done <>if any of yall have a book report on farenhiet 451 please get in touch with me<> honors english summer reading.. im still working at the pool i think i have the best boss ever. ms libby thancks for making my first year as a lifeguard fun and exciting.

still missing him so very much

bubby
hayden

Monday, July 25, 2005 9:43 PM CDT

To say today was an emotional one would be an understatement. First of all Stanton’s memory marker is gorgeous! It turned out better than I could have ever hoped for. If you live in Minden you really should go by and see it. Mr. Waldron-thank you so much for the perfect tribute to our precious son. It is perfect. Ms. Werner-thank you so much for the poem that was written specifically for Stanton it too was perfect.

The rest of the day at work seemed like one problem after another. Tonight we had another Monday evening Summer Service. The Summer Grove choir sang and it was incredible. This is a church in Shreveport that I have Aunts, Uncles and cousins in so they have been very involved in praying for Stanton. Then pastor Junior Hill gave a sermon that I know God put on his heart specifically for me.

Psalms 84:5-6
5 Blessed are those whose strength is in you,
who have set their hearts on pilgrimage.
6 As they pass through the Valley of Baca,
they make it a place of springs;
the autumn rains also cover it with pools

The sermon was about troubles and he started it with the phrase “In every pew there sits a person with a broken heart.” On our pew that was an understatement. It was full of people with broken hearts. I will just sum of the rest of the sermon. Troubles are unavoidable and generally unexplainable. Trouble is always tempered by time. We are just passing through this earth until we go to our eternal home. This is where it got real personal. Processes must not be mistaken for purposes. We sometimes get our eyes set on the process and forget about the purpose. How many times has that happened in my life? Troubles may be the process by which God shows us His purpose for our life. The purpose may also sometimes be unrecognizable. Processes are not hurried. If you are in trouble don’t ask God to hurry and fix it, ask him to show you his purpose in the process. The process is usually not enjoyable. You may not like the process but the purpose will be worthwhile. “Opposition always with opportunity” While you are in the valley dig many wells that will bring water for years to come. He told a story about a ring he had bought for his wife for their 40th anniversary that had a ruby in the center. She called him one night to tell him she had lost the ruby at church. As she sat by the bed she decided to just open the Bible and let God show her the way. When she opened the bible, there in the crease of the Bible was the ruby. “When you think you’ve lost everything you’ll find a ruby.”
I don’t think I have to tell you how close this whole sermon hit to home. I can’t imagine trouble much worse than what we have been through the last few years. I continue to stay committed to find my purpose in this process.

Looking for my ruby
Tina

Sunday, July 24, 2005 7:16 PM CDT

I’m back!!! I took a much needed break and went to Dallas to spend some time with my sister and her family. The morning started our early Sat. morning with everyone in a great mood (a little sarcasm there). We got to Dallas and Mary Claire knows where her bread is buttered so she did not leave my side. At the first stop we made she was so sweet and even handled being told no. We left that store with matching purses and tiaras for both of the girls. Elynn Kate called it her “princess hat”. We then headed to the mall where I had promised them we would do Build A Bear. This is something that we did with Stanton that he loved and I wish we would have done it sooner. They rushed into the store and went to pick out there animal. When Mary Claire heard that with the new dog you got a free accessory her mind was made up (that would be her mother coming out in her). Elynn Kate picked out the prettiest purple bear but when it came time to stuff it she was pretty unsure. I finally held her and she laughed. It was priceless to watch the hold the heart to theirs make a wish and then kiss it before putting it in their animal. After getting them accessorized we were on our way again. I realized I had not gotten my free accessory so I went back and that is when it really hit me. I tried so hard not to cry in the store but was not successful. The day we went to Build a Bear with Stanton was so fun. He named his puppy “Powder” and even let Mr. Tim at RMH babysit him one day. It is still hard to believe he wasn’t with us. When we got the hotel and Jamie looked at the tags, Elynn Kate’s Bear was in memory of a little girl who had lost her life to cancer and some of the proceeds went to aide in wellness programs for kids. I wonder if Stanton had anything to so with that.

After we found a hotel it was time for them to go see Dora. I am so glad now that I had already decided not to do this as I know now I couldn’t have handled it. While they were gone, I had quiet time, did some work and took a quick nap. When they got back we went to supper and then just came back and played at the hotel. Those two girls are hilarious and it was fun getting to spend some time with them and not have to share.
When it came time to go to bed I think I heard every song that Elynn Kate knows.

Today we shopped for a little while before coming home and I guess Elynn Kate figured out what Aunt Tina was all about because if we separated she was coming with me. In one store she would tell me Uncle Jeff needed everything. Of course she had a purse she was dragging everywhere.

I am now at home resting getting ready for another crazy week at work. As Hayden mentioned we will be putting Stanton’s memory marker down tomorrow morning. As long as I have waited for this I am not ready. I know that it is going to be very emotional but one more of the steps that we must take.

I want to share with you a page out of a book that I got:

“God’s love leads to the promise of heaven:

It is easy to miss the point of unconditional love. We are too busy looking for the bottom line, searching for ‘the catch’ that will support the human assumption ‘if it sounds too good to be true…’

But God’s love is the real thing. It sounds too good to be true because God’s dreams for us are beyond our imagination. The depth of His love and the expanse of heaven-prepared for those who return His love- are beyond units of measure.

Do not compare this love to anything you have ever experienced. This love is strong in its sacrifice, merciful in its comfort, never failing in its presence, and mighty in its pursuit of the heart.

And in our moments of skepticism, when we look for the strings attached, love reveals the heartstrings of heaven.”

This is from a book entitled “The Promise of Heaven”. I know from God’s promises that Heaven is far better than anything we are experiencing here on earth and I love to read of these promises. It brought to mind the true meaning of unconditional love in the life of children. I used to love to watch Mary Claire come to Memphis because she never looked at Stanton or any of the other kids any differently. She would leave and to her she had just made new friends. When Stanton was in his last days and was so ugly to her she continued to love him and do whatever he wanted. Talk about unconditional love.

As we were eating supper last night the topic of Stanton came up as it often does with Mary Claire. She said “when I get cancer I am going to get to go to heaven and see Stanton.” Talk about break your heart. When I tried to explain that she wasn’t going to get cancer she became so upset that she wasn’t ever going to get to see Stanton. After a long conversation I think we worked out the details or at least she was content with my answers. I just hate a 5 year old has any idea about cancer, death and heaven. One thing is for certain and that is that she has complete unconditional love for Stanton just as God loves us.

Loved unconditionally by many
Tina

James 1:12

Blessed is the man who perseveres under trial, because when he has stood the test, he will receive the crown of life that God has promised to those who love

Some of you had asked about the website for Ashley, it is www.caringbridge.org/la/princessashley

Also don't forget to say extra prayers for Jake as he has scans this week.

Sunday, July 24, 2005 1:26 PM CDT

Hey everyone!! its hayden updating for my mom. she is in dallas doin what she loves (shoppin). when i talked to her it sounded like she was having a great time. im sure she is realy enjoying being with mary claire and elynn kate (i hope i spelled those right. well vacation was awsome we had a great time with everyone im so happy trish and eli got to go with us they were so much fun. tomorrow is a day weve all been waiting for. but realy not so sure about it all. we are putting the memory marker at the angel garden. so please pray for all of us tomorrow it will be a very difficult and emotional day.

missing stanton so much

hayden

Friday, July 22, 2005 7:10 PM CDT

2 early updates in one day, don't get used to it. I am updating a little early tonight because Jeff has a baseball game and we will be late gettng in.

Today was another rough day when I woke up and had to make a conscious effort to breath in and breath out. But you know what? God knows and cares for all of my needs. I got home today and got the sweetest card and poem from Jeff's grandmother (Sug). For those of you who have never met Sug she is one of the sweetest women you will ever meet. I have been blessed to be considered part of her family for over 16 years. I first got to know Sug while Jeff and I were dating and during Youth Sunday I taught her Sunday School. Her and her friends welcomed me with open arms even though I was a little nervous. Sug has been with us through every step of our journey even making one trip to Memphis when I know she really was not physically able. Stanton would always call and ask her how his work was. We never understood what he was talking about but they would have a full conversation about his work at her house. Sug has also been a HUGE Christian example to me and all of her family. Even the youngest great-grandchildren get to say the blessing every Sunday (yes she feeds the entire family every Sunday after church). Sug-thank you so much for being so kind to me all of these years. You have always loved me like your own and I never doubted that. The card today came at a perfect time.

Tomorrow I will be taking a trip to Dallas with Jamie, Scotty and the girls. We will do a little shopping and then the girls are going to see Dora live. I passed on that opportunity but can't wait to use it for some quiet time. I also can't wait to spend some quality time with Mary Claire and Elynn Kate. Pray for safe travels and some peace for me as the last couple of days have been tough.

I want to leave you with the poem Sug sent:

Little Angels

When God calls little children to dwell with him above.
We mortals sometime question the wisdom of his love.
For no heartache compares with the death of one small child
Who does so much to make our world wonderful and mild.
Perhaps God tires of calling the aged to his fold.
So he picks a rosebud before it can grow old.
God knows how much we need them and so he takes but few
To make the land of heaven more beautiful to view.
Believing this is difficult still somehow we must try.
The saddest word mankind knows will always be "goodbye".
So when a little child departs, we who are left behind
Must realize God loves children, angels are hard to find.

Still not ready to say "goodbye"
Tina

Jakes AFP has risen a little more today so please pray for Jake and his family. He is fighting such a courageous battle.

Friday, July 22, 2005 7:06 AM CDT

Okay, so I tricked you. How about an early morning update? Don't get used to them as those of you who know me know morning is not really my time.

Yesterday was just one of those days that started off bad and seemed to get worse. There are just some days when the void of not having Stanton here is soooooo BIG and yesterday was one of them. I cried most of the way to work and then when I got to work my key holder (the neatest thing, made for me by Christal and Chris) broke on the elevator. This means that there were hundreds of little beads everywhere not to mention my thing was broken. I calmly called Leslie to come and help me and hope to one day have the time to restring them.

As I was getting into work good Jeff called and Stanton's ledger is close to being ready and he had the draft that he wanted me to okay before they started the inscription. I think I have told you before that this is something that I chose very carefully and was actually quite adament about exactly what I wanted. This is just the last thing I can physically do for Stanton. I have been anxiously awaiting it's arrival and now that the time is near I am not so anxious anymore. I told Jamie last night that this may put the finality on it. The reality will set in and I will have given my baby the very last gift that I can. I still can't believe I am talking about my baby son's ledger for the angel garden. I still think that some how some way I will wake from this terrible nightmare and Stanton will be here healthy, enjoying life as he always did.

My afternoon ended with a 2 1/2 hour wait at the doctor for my wound check which is still looking good. I also talked to him about my headaches (which I know are caused from lack of sleep, which I think we have fixed). I thought maybe he could offer something by way of relief until I could get some other issues worked out. His relief came in the form of a book. Needless to say I was not pleased with that answer, will not read the book on how to sleep and guess I will just keep a headache.

Just before I started updating I read Trish's update. If you have not it is one to read. Great job sis!!! I will always stand amazed at the love that our children shared with not only us and each other but with everyone that they met. There were no limitations according to them and no little thing like cancer was going to keep them from enjoying life. The love was of the best kind, unconditional, regardless of what they were going through and I can only imagine what was in their heads, they had an outpouring of love. This is where the "thank you God" line gets a little fuzzy. As Trish said, it is pretty hard to thank God for giving our children cancer and for ultimately taking them home much earlier than we would have liked but I am very comfortable in thanking Him for the journey and the blessings along the way. I am sure you all think Trish and I are both crazy for this statement but without the journey there are many friends we would have missed. My very best one that I now call sister for one. God could have chosen to spare me the journey by not giving me Stanton at all. Would I trade the memories and the lessons learned for anything in the world? Not on your life. He was such a blessing and I am honored that he called me "momma". I again like Trish can only hope and pray that I will learn from the journey and be a better mom to Hayden (if you ask him I am not doing so hot in that department right now), wife to Jeff, daughter, sister, aunt, friend and in general a better person. Okay, now that I have added to Trish's entry you better go read hers www.caringbridge.org/ar/emmagrace.

I can't believe I almost forgot to tell you why I didn't update last night. Jeff's church league softball tournament was last night. Actually the first night of it got rained out so ALL of it was last night. Jeff and team won their first game which meant that they didn't play their next game until midnight! I know this sounds crazy. I have not been the most suportive of wives this year and am not sure why I picked last night but at 2:30 this morning when they finally finished I knew we were crazy not to mention they got 2nd. Which means that they had to get beat twice which they did. I think they didn't do a bad job considering it was this morning before they even began their last games. I think from now on I may go back to supporting him from the couch!

As always thank you for allowing me the chance to open up my heart for all to see. You all are such a blessing to me.

Blessed
Tina

Please pray for Jake, I won't get into details but they have specific prayer requests on his website www.caringbridge.org/la/jake

Wednesday, July 20, 2005 10:04 PM CDT

Another busy day at work. I love the challenge of being on a tight time frame and of really having to think about what I am doing. Some days it is harder to think than others but luckily those days have stayed away this week. In fact, this journal will be short because I brought some work home to do.

I wanted to share an email I got that I thought was neat:

JUST CHECKING IN

A minister passing through his church
in the middle of the day,
Decided to pause by the altar
and see who had come to pray.

Just then the back door opened,
a man came down the aisle,
The minister frowned as he saw
the man hadn't shaved in a while.

His shirt was kinda shabby
and his coat was worn and frayed,
the man knelt, he bowed his head,
Then rose and walked away.

In the days that followed,
each noon time came this chap,
each time he knelt just for a moment,
A lunch pail in his lap.

Well, the minister's suspicions grew,
with robbery a main fear,
He decided to stop the man and ask him,
"What are you doing here?"
The old man said, he worked down the road.
Lunch was half an hour.
Lunchtime was his prayer time,
For finding strength and power.

"I stay only moments, see,
because the factory is so far away;
as I kneel here talking to the Lord,
This is kinda what I say:

"I JUST CAME AGAIN TO TELL YOU, LORD,
HOW HAPPY I'VE BEEN,
SINCE WE FOUND EACH OTHER'S FRIENDSHIP
AND YOU TOOK AWAY MY SIN.
DON'T KNOW MUCH OF HOW TO PRAY,
BUT I THINK ABOUT YOU EVERYDAY.
SO, JESUS, THIS IS JIM
CHECKING IN TODAY."

The minister feeling foolish,
told Jim, that was fine.
He told the man he was welcome
To come and pray just anytime.

Time to go, Jim smiled, said "Thanks."
He hurried to th e door.
The minister knelt at the altar,
he'd never done it before.

His cold heart melted, warmed with love,
and met with Jesus there.
As the tears flowed, in his heart,
he repeated old Jim's prayer:

"I JUST CAME AGAIN TO TELL YOU, LORD,
HOW HAPPY I'VE BEEN,
SINCE WE FOUND EACH OTHER'S FRIENDSHIP
AND YOU TOOK AWAY MY SIN.
I DON'T KNOW MUCH OF HOW TO PRAY, BUT I
THINK ABOUT YOU EVERY DAY.
SO, JESUS, THIS IS ME CHECKING IN TODAY."

Past noon one day, the minister noticed
that old Jim hadn't come.
As more days passed without Jim,
he began to worry some.

At the factory, he asked about him,
learning he was ill.
The hospital staff was worried,
But he'd given them a thrill.

The week that Jim was with them,
Brought changes in the ward.
His smiles, a joy contagious.
Changed people, were his reward.

The head nurse couldn't understand
why Jim was so glad,
when no flowers, calls or cards came,
Not a visitor he had.

The minister stayed by his bed,
He voiced the nurse's concern:
No friends came to show they cared.
He had nowhere to turn.

Looking surprised, old Jim spoke
up and with a winsome smile;
"the nurse is wrong, she couldn't know,
that in here all the while everyday at noon
He's here, a dear friend of mine, you see,
He sits right down, takes my hand,
Leans over and says to me:

"I JUST CAME AGAIN TO TELL YOU, JIM,
HOW HAPPY I HAVE BEEN,
SINCE WE FOUND THIS FRIENDSHIP,
AND I TOOK AWAY YOUR SIN.
ALWAYS LOVE TO HEAR YOU PRAY,
I THINK ABOUT YOU EACH DAY,
AND SO JIM, THIS IS JESUS
CHECKING IN TODAY."

This email reminded me of a couple of things. There is no right or wrong way to pray. No specific time or place. What God wants is for us to talk to him. It also reminded me to tell God how happy I am that I have Him in my life. Last but not least, you can’t judge a book by it’s cover. This is a conversation Hayden and I have been having, about judging people and how we weren’t put here to judge.

I am asking for specific prayer for me tonight in that I might strive to be like Jesus in how he took time for himself. When he needed to spend time with His father he sent the disciples away and went to be by himself. Pray that I will do things for me and not feel guilty. It seems like when things go good I feel so guilty because no matter what I am doing I miss Stanton so very much.

Checking in with Jesus
Tina

Many people will walk in and out of your life,
but only true friends will leave
footprints in your heart.

Tuesday, July 19, 2005 9:08 PM CDT

Another very busy day at work. I don't know if I will ever see my desk top again. I really don't mind being busy as it keeps my mind from wandering.

Jeff is also back in the swing of things as is Hayden. He is teaching swimming lessons this week. There are times that he makes me so very proud.

Thought I would share a page from "Grace for the Moment" today:

Hebrews 11:1
Faith means being sure of the things we hope for and knowing that something is real even if we do not see it.

"Faith is trusting what the eye cannot see.

Eyes see the prowling lion. Faith sees Daniels angel.

Eyes see storms. Faith sees Noah's rainbow.

Eyes see giants. Faith sees Canaan.

Eyes see your faults. Your faith sees your Saviour.

Your eyes see your guilt. Your faith sees His blood."

Faith-how many times during my lifetime have I reacted to pure faith. I love watching a child jump off of something knowing someone would be there to catch them. Pure, simple faith. We many times over the last 2 years acted in faith to a prayer that we had prayed. Although we could not see the answer we knew God would do what was best. I cannot even begin to imagine our journey without the promise of this faith.

For those of you in our area it is time for the St. Jude Dream Home give away again. This will be the first time in 2 years that we have not been interviewed in Memphis. It was very hard to watch the special on TV tonight. There is still this longing to be at St. Jude.

The first year they interviewed us Stanton was getting medicine in the medicine room so in came Jan Elkins and crew. We actually had met them in the hall earlier and Stanton and Hayden were on film with Stanton riding in a wagon. When they came to the medicine room Stanton was a little shy but once he warmed up he worked his way right into everyones heart. He was bouncing off of the walls. Last year we were an inpatient and they came upstairs to find us. They talked to me in the hall (actually first thing in the morning) and got great shots of Jeff carrying Stanton down the hall. KTBS which is the channel that hosts the dream home event has become another very special part of our family. Jan Elkins is incredible in how she remembered so much about Stanton and our family after meeting us only once. So, I encourage you to get your dream home ticket. Even if you don't win the house everyone is a winner for the kids of St. Jude!

Walking By Faith
Tina

Monday, July 18, 2005 9:24 PM CDT

Back to the real world. It is amazing how much work can pile up in a week. The day certainly went by fast as I was very busy. I did at one point feel that love for my job which felt good because I was beginning to wonder if my love for anything would vome back. It just seems that without Stanton things are so lonely.

We started a summer spectacular at church tonight so mom and I went and enjoyed great music and an incredible sermon. I am looking forward to the other Monday services.

I had someone ask about Hayden. I don't talk about him much because he gets embarrassed. Hayden continues to do amazingly well although he does have his moments. He is lifting weights getting ready for football. He is also still working and learning what the real world is about. He does enjoy his job and the people that he works with. He had a great time on vacation. Besides Eli, he had invited his friend Matthew to come with us so I think they had fun.

Stanton story for tonight: Stanton loved to go to the zoo in Memphis (it was free for St. Jude patients and family) so if he didn't want to throw rocks he wanted to go to the zoo. The first time we went Nurse Sarah went with us. You could tell Stanton wasn't feeling great but he would not get sick in public. He hung on as long as he could but the funniest thing of all was the only place we made it in the zoo was the farm section. He could see cows and horses at Papaw H's house but we sat in the farm section the whole time we were there. From then on whenever we went to the zoo Stanton would want to wait on Sarah rather she was coming or not. Most of the time if she wasn't working she came. We did eventually see more of the zoo. I think his next favorite was the "pengins" (penguins). It also only took one trip for him to remember the merry go round so he would walk in the gate and say "lets go to the round and round". We did attempt to take he and Emma Grace one time and thought they would share a double stroller. What were we thinking? Eventually Stanton ended up on the canopy of the stroller or Emma Grace would walk. As much as they loved each other they still acted like brother and sister most of the time.

This is an email I have seen before but wanted to share it with you:

IF I HAD MY LIFE TO LIVE OVER - by Erma Bombeck
(written after she found out she was dying from cancer).
I would have gone to bed when I was sick instead of pretending the earth would go into a holding pattern if I weren't there for the day.
I would have burned the pink candle sculpted like a rose before it melted in storage.
I would have talked less and listened more.
I would have invited friends over to dinner even if the carpet was stained, or the sofa faded.
I would have eaten the popcorn in the 'good' living room and worried much less about the dirt when someone wanted to light a fire in the fireplace.
I would have taken the time to listen to my grandfather ramble about his youth.
I would have shared more of the responsibility carried by my husband.
I would never have insisted the car windows be rolled up on a summer day because my hair had just been teased and sprayed.
I would have sat on the lawn with my grass stains.
I would have cried and laughed less while watching television and more while watching life.
I would never have bought anything just because it was practical, wouldn't show soil, or was guaranteed to last a lifetime.
Instead of wishing away nine months of pregnancy, I'd have cherished every moment and realized that the wonderment growing inside me was the only chance in life to assist God in a miracle.

When my kids kissed me impetuously, I would never have said, "Later. Now go get washed up for dinner." There would have been more "I love you’s." More "I'm sorry’s’."
But mostly, given another shot at life, I would seize every minute...look at it and really see it . live it and never give it back. Stop sweating the small stuff.
Don't worry about who doesn't like you, who has more, or who's doing what.
Instead, let's cherish the relationships we have with those who do love us.
Let's think about what God HAS blessed us with. And what we are doing each day to promote ourselves mentally, physically, emotionally. I hope you all have a blessed day!

I think this just reinforces what I say so often. Live each day as if it is your last. Let your kids do the same. Teach them to enjoy life now not worrying about tomorow.

Special prayer request-Jake will be headed back to Memphis this week to determine his next course of treatment. Emilie is in Memphis this week getting scans and chemo. Stop by and offer them words of encouragement www.caringbridge.org/la/emilie. Christal continues on her chemo. Please pray that this will do the trick and knock out her cancer. Also special prayers for all of us who have babies that have earned there wings. The days are very long!

Living life to the fullest
Tina

Sunday, July 17, 2005 7:34 PM CDT

Back to the real world! Why is it that after you get home from vacation you need time to recuperate? I tried to watch the race but fell asleep and would wake up every now and then to check on Michael. He made some big decisions this week and we are praying for the nest for him. Once again, I cannot tell you how special he and his family are to us.

As I have mentioned I am reading the book “If you want to walk on water you’ve got to get out of the boat”. I am still very very impressed and it is really touching me in ways that I can’t explain. Trish and I read part of it last week but what was odd was a question she asked me before we ever started the book. She asked me if I ever felt like there was something God wanted from me that maybe I wasn’t getting. My answer was of course. That is a struggle that I go through every day. I feel like there is something God wants from me and I am afraid I am missing the calling.

I have started in a previous entry talking about this book so I want to continue. One section is on failure and how failure is an opportunity to grow. When Peter stepped out of the boat he set himself up to fail but he also set himself up to grow. “Failure does not shape you, the way you respond to failure shapes you.”

Obeying God and his calling for you often means taking a risk. It also involves waiting. This to me is the hardest part. I don’t want to jump into something until I am sure it is what God wants and not what I want.

Getting out of the boat means leaving your comfort zone and doing what God has called you to do. Reasons to risk getting out of the boat:
-it is the only way to real growth
-it is the way true faith develops
-it is the alternative to boredom and stagnation that causes people to wither up and die
-it is part of discovering and obeying your calling

The biggest reason for getting out of the boat is “The water is where Jesus is”.

There are 2 things that can happen when you get out of the boat: 1) when you fail and yes you will fail sometimes- Jesus will be there to pick you up. You will not fail alone. 2) And every once in a while you will walk on water.

I hope you all will enjoy the lessons that this book has to share as I will be passing a lot of it on to you.

Stanton story for the day: As many of you know Stanton was quite the cowboy. He loved bull riding and calf roping. One day we were in the hospital and started watching him and he would push is riding toy, run after it, throw it down, straddle it, rope it with his silkie, and then stand up and wave to the crowd. It was hilarious. He had everyone coming to see. In fact there was a big deal going on with movie stars at the hospital and people were coming to the 2nd floor to watch Stanton. What is new he always was the center of attention. I even had one doctor say if I would give her a tape of it she would send it to America’s funniest home videos. He was such a mess!!!!

Getting out of my Boat
Tina

Saturday, July 16, 2005 9:07 PM CDT

I am typing this from home sweet home! I must say though that today was a very difficult one. First of all I had to leave Trish. Second coming home was liking walking back into reality again. When you have 12 hours in the car there is a lot of time to talk and Jeff and I talked a lot about Stanton and how much we miss him. I am just having a harder and harder time with him not being here. Vacation was a slap in the face reminder. Don't get me wrong I enjoyed the downtime with my family and Trish and Eli but there was such a void. Everything seemed to remind me of Stanton and I think Trish felt the same way. Many much needed tears were shed.

We all had walkie talkies in the cars to keep the caravan together and yes we all had call names. I won't even begin to mention them. I just hope that noone else was on our frequency listening because if they were I am sure they thought we were crazy. Right before we got home Mary Claire got on the radio and sang "I can only imagine". You all know I love this song and she calls it the "St. Jude Song". It was adorable and when she finished she said "I think Stanton heard me in heaven don't you?" I am going to try to start living my life with the faith and simplicity of a child. She amazes me. At 5 she has gone through more than most adults most importantly losing her very best friend but she still faces it with such strength and child like faith. She knows Stanton is in heaven and she knows that one day she will see him again. She has her moments of meltdowns but they are few and far between, she usually just tells you her great memories.

As we sat on the beach one day Dad and I talked about what we thought Stanton would have been doing if he were there. We decided that he would be throwing things in the water. When we were in Memphis you could ask Stanton what he wanted to do and most of the time he would say "throw rocks in the river". I can't tell you how many times we went to the river to throw rocks. One weekend when we came home Weenie (my daddy) got some one on one time and of course Stanton wanted to go through rocks. They got a bucket, filled it with rocks and off they went. He literally threw rocks until he was exhausted. I think this will be one memory daddy will never forget. When we got to come home he and mom both tried to get as much time in as possible.

Please say a special prayer for Jake. His AFP went up this week. He went to the beach before he had to head back to Memphis to determine the next step. www.caringbridge.org/la/jakeowen

Thank you so much for your continued love, prayers and support. It seems I am the one being uplifted these days be the guestbook entries.

Sleeping in His Lap Tonight
Tina

Friday, July 15, 2005 11:24 PM CDT

Well our vacation is coming to an end. Not without us first having one more great day. A lot of time on the beach (Trish and I are both well done), a little time at the pool, great supper ending with watching fireworks over the bay.

I must say it is a long way from Gulf Shores but I think we took a bad situation and made the best of it and most of all got to spend some good quality time together with Trish and my family. As hard as it was at times to watch all of the kids play I really enjoyed getting to spend the time with Mary Claire and Elynn Kate.

Of course our life cannot be simple so tonight Hayden fell looking for hermit crabs and cut a gash in his foot. It bled so bad I thought we were headed for the nearest hospital. Luckily we were able to stop the bleeding and other than being very sore he should be fine. I did call Dr. Phillips and she said to call when we got home if it looked worse. I really think Stanton was giving Hayden a hard time today because other than this incident at the beach an airplane flew over and as I looked up to tell Stanton hello (you know airplanes were his favorite) a HUGE wave knocked Hayden off of his raft and to the bottom of the ocean. I told Hayden that was from Stanton.

There were several incidents on the beach that were pretty funny. First of all Elynn Kate went to get her ring out of the buggy and the wind took it for a spin. After she realized she couldn’t catch it she just stood there and cried. Next, we had decided to have a picnic on the beach for lunch. All of a sudden we were surrounded by birds and I had no idea why, well Elynn Kate had a piece of turkey and they didn’t fly far from her. Just as Jamie got her sandwich they started flying after her so she took off running, this was hilarious. Then we decided to put a chip on mom’s back while she wasn’t looking and yes a bird will scoop down and get it off of a person. They wouldn’t get it out of daddy’s hat though. The next big run down the beach was Trish chasing her raft. Yes, the wind was blowing nicely today.

I must say that this has been a very bitter sweet vacation. Not a day goes by that I haven’t shed a tear for Stanton and Emma Grace knowing that this vacation had long been in the works but it was after they were both well and everyone would come. We had signs all week that reminded us that they were right here with us. Even today as we were showering at the beach Mary Claire said “Look Stanton sent us another rainbow” and sure enough in the water from the shower there was a rainbow. These rainbows are a simple reminder that God always keeps his promises even though we may never understand.

Please pray for safe travels as we all have a very long road home. We will be a caravan until about Waco, Tx. I can tell you now there will be many tears shed as Trish and I depart our separate ways but what can’t be separated is the love I have for her and her family and no amount of miles will ever change that. Trish-I had a blast this week. I am so glad you and Eli were able to come. We missed Barney but we understand. I hope this week was a little therapeutic for you I know it did me a world of good. I love you so much.

Only By His Grace
Tina

Thursday, July 14, 2005 10:04 PM CDT

This will be short and sweet as my TNT time is getting short lived and I want to spend as much time together as possible.

We once again had a great day on the beach and at the pool. Trish is a little cooked like the rest of us. Jeff cooked supper for us tonight using Don Raborn's chili sauce. It again was great food and fellowship.

We will enjoy one more day of fun in the sun before we are headed back in seperate directions. I hate vacation is coming to an end but hate that my face to face TNT time is also coming to an end.

Thank all of you who voted for Domino's. They really are an incredible company.

I promise more details of vacation later. Thanks for hanging in there with us! We love you all!!

In Him
Tina

Wednesday, July 13, 2005 9:46 PM CDT

I must say that as much fun as we are having my morning started out rough. You see it has been 5 months today since I last held my baby in my arms. I was up before the rest of the crew so I grabbed my bible and headed for the balcony. The chapter that it opened up to was Psalm 23. Of course verse 4 is one of my favorites: “Yea, though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I will fear no evil for thou art with me, they rod and thy staff they comfort me”. As I think of Stanton’s death this verse so often comes to mind. He in an unexplainable way knew what was going on and he was not afraid. In fact he was the bravest little boy I have ever known. His strength and courage will always be an inspiration for me to be a better person.

After my quiet time and talk with God and Stanton I headed out to find my daddy. You see we are always the first 2 awake when we are at the beach and we always have powdered doughnuts on the balcony. I couldn’t change tradition just because he was a floor down. I enjoyed my quiet time with mom and dad. There are just some memories as you know that will last a lifetime.

We then headed for the beach in shifts but we all managed to get there and have a great time. The waves were HUGE but that didn’t stop Trish. She was much braver than I was. We all probably got a little to much sun but it won’t stop our fun for tomorrow.

After supper Trish and I had some much needed TNT quiet time. It is those moments that I miss the most. Those when we can share our thoughts on the devotional that we picked. Those when we can just share how we really feel. Once again, I don’t know if I could ever put into words the bond that the 2 of us share. She started reading the Get out of the boat to walk on water with me and agrees that it is gong to be a good one.

I want to share with you all a letter that a very special nurse of ours is sending out getting ready to do the St. Jude Memphis to Peoria run. This is an event that she has done since we have known her and one we have contributed to for the past 2 years. This year she is running in memory of Stanton so her address is on the letter if anyone wants to help her raise the amount she needs. There are some adorable pictures that I can’t make show up. Sorry!
June, 2005
Dear Family and Friends,
I can’t believe it’s that time of year again. From August 3rd - August 6th I will join approximately 100 runners for the 24th annual Memphis-to-Peoria Run for St. Jude.
This is my fourth race and each year I run for all of the kids at St. Jude as they fight their battles against cancer. But this year I am running in memory of one particular St. Jude patient, Stanton Haynes. Stanton lost his battle with cancer in February of this year when Neuroblastoma took his precious life one day before his 4th birthday.
From the moment I met Stanton he immediately held a special place in my heart. His contagious laugh and precious smile made me fall in love with him instantly. During the time I knew him he taught me the true meaning of courage and how to live life to its fullest. He and his family have been (and continue to be) an inspiration to me throughout their entire journey at St. Jude.
Each race participant must raise $2,500 to earn the privilege of running. I am asking for your support. Remember that all race expenses are donated so EVERY dollar raised through this run goes directly to research and care of the children.
You can help children like Stanton win their battles by donating today. If you would like to contribute please make your check payable to St. Jude Children’s Research Hospital and mail to Sarah Ortiz, 1278 Fleets Harbor Drive, Memphis, TN, 38103.
The Kids of St. Jude and I thank you!
I can’t mention special friends from St. Jude without mentioning a very momentous event in another dear friends life. Our St Jude photographer and friend was on a kickball team that won the Kickball championship game tonight. So for Laura (Waura) Hajar Go Beavers!!!! We are so proud of you, wish we could have been there. For those of you who have never been to a kickball game it is great and you will have to read journals from last summer to hear about our experience. Stanton and Emma Grace stood at the fence and yelled (yes they were loud) “Go Waura Hajar” They were truly her biggest fans. In fact, I don’t remember anyone in the stands yelling except Stanton and Emma Grace. Laura you know you had 2 special angels cheering you on tonight. We love you!
I also have another special request for all of my friends and Stanton warriors. As you all know Domino’s pizza is a company that we hold very near and dear to our heart. I got an email about voting on your favorite pizza chain. I have enclosed the link that you can cut and paste. Please go and vote for Domino’s. I don’t know what they get but for us just the satisfaction of knowing that an incredible company is getting a very deserving offer. The 14th is the last day to vote so please take a few minutes and do this. While you are voting don’t forget you can vote for Michael Waltrip every day.

http://moneycentral.msn.com/content/CNBCTV/Promos/P123165.asp

I looked today and there was definitely just one set of footprints as I know He was carrying me during this difficult day.

Only By His Grace
Tina

Tuesday, July 12, 2005 9:30 PM CDT

WE MADE IT TO THE BEACH!!!!!! We actually got to check in early. Believe it or not we were all ready when daddy was ready to leave today. We got here checked into the condo’s which are nice (not Gulf Shores) but nice. We then headed to eat. After that we would usually pack up and head to the grocery store but the girls were wanting to get to the beach. So someone had the bright idea that we would just go look (Jamie I think). By the time we left Mary Claire was soaked and more than ready to stay. Jamie and I talked Jeff and Scotty into doing our grocery shopping while we all headed for the ocean. There was still sun and lots of surf and sand. The boys had fun. Mary Claire wasn’t afraid of anything and Elynn Kate was the same way. She was pretty funny to watch and I am very well exfoliated as she spread mudsand all over my legs. Trish on the other hand had a ball but I may have to drag her out of bed in the morning. After a while at the beach we headed back for the pool. Well, Elynn Kate had a baby tub all to herself (this was pretty cool) and Trish and I decided to act younger than we are. We actually had contests to see who could turn the most flips under water. Trish won! Jeff had more than his share of comments as we put on a show. We also tried a little synchronized swimming. Needless to say it was just family in the pool.

We are having some much needed fun but still feel the HUGE void. Emma Grace’s picture is up in the condo as Stanton’s Jabu is in our bedroom. I can just imagine the time they would be having.

Trish and I were just talking about how tired we are and how when we were in Memphis we could go and go. Your body is just in a different place.

I can’t thank you enough for your continued support, prayers and guestbook entries. They are all such pick me ups!

Although I couldn’t see them I am sure there were 2 extra set of footprints behind mine today

Tina

Monday, July 11, 2005 8:55 PM CDT

I think today was Trish’s kind of vacation. No plans, very little shopping, and a little napping. One half of the family went to Sea World, the other half went to tube down the river and Trish and I had TNT time (much needed TNT time). To talk to someone who understands completely how you feel. I felt like there were times I should be cheering her up and I found her cheering me up. The last few days have been nice but I am ready to head to the BEACH! We will be heading out early in the morning hoping to be on the beach tomorrow afternoon. The more I hear I am so glad that we changed the direction of our vacation. I can’t tell you the void that I feel not having Stanton here with me but I know that he and Emma Grace are building the biggest sandcastles and looking on us wishing we were having as much fun. Boy I miss those kids. Pray for safe travels and lots of fun with great memories!!!!!

Can’t wait to make footprints in the sand
Tina

Sunday, July 10, 2005 8:55 PM CDT

2 updates in one:

Saturday-
Okay, so I am typing this although I cannot get on the internet. I am terrible with technology so you may get a whole week of journals at one time. We arrived in San Marcos this morning (yes, I know where the outlet malls are). But not before we met Trish in Waco. Boy was she a welcome sight!!! After we got checked in Gerhard and family came to visit. It was great catching up and seeing them.

I have to say that I had a meltdown as we were leaving town this morning. I felt like I was leaving Stanton behind. I know I have to move on but it is still so hard.

Tonight we went out to eat and to play Putt Putt. I honestly cannot say who won from the guys as we never know if they are telling the truth. For the girls I think Jamie probably won but I was impressed with Trish’s first shot, a hole in one. After watching Emma Grace play Putt Putt I was not expecting this from Trish. The only thing with this is that she could only go down hill. At one point she even laid on the ground and shot it in like she was playing pool. Mary Claire actually did pretty good and Elynn Kate tried but was hilarious.

I looked back at one point when Trish was putting and expected to see Emma Grace standing there, just like I kept looking around for Stanton. I don’t know if this will ever seem real.

I am not sure of tomorrow’s plans but I know they include shopping. Maybe I can manage to get the internet working by tomorrow.

Having Fun but with a Void
Tina

Sunday:
Well, today was my kind of day. We started when the mall opened shopping. I must say Trish is a real trooper and really must love me because shopping is not her thing and she shopped from 10 until 5:30. We found some bargains but most of all just enjoyed time together. I will admit I don’t know if it will ever feel right not having Stanton and Emma Grace here. We would look at things and just tear up. At the end of the day I was thinking of what I had gotten Hayden, Mary Claire and Elynn Kate and I found myself wishing I could think about what I has gotten them. We know that they are right here with us but again, things aren’t easy. We are glad that we changed the directions of our vacation. We really have no plans for tomorrow. The guys may go tube down the river but I don’t know about Trish and I. I got to listen to a sermon by one of the preachers that spoke at Emma Grace’s Celebration Service and the sermon was on doubt. It was incredible. Brother Craig reminded us that God expects us to doubt and that He will meet us where we are. We may not ever have all of the questions but we must just trust him. The biggest decision you can make is to surrender everything to Him. He can and will handle it. I think His question was “It is not the doubt that God cares about but what you do with those doubts.” I have to admit the sermon hit so close to home because I know that especially lately the doubts have been creeping in. The questions with no answers. I am making a conscious effort to surrender everything to Him.

I leave you with this. Treasure your kids. Don’t sweat the small things, they are just kids. You never know what tomorrow will hold so live for today.

Sleeping in His lap again tonight
Tina

Friday, July 8, 2005 9:43 PM CDT

This is going to be short and sweet as I have to get up early in the morning. Before anyone panics we are not headed for Gulf Shores anymore. So when we found out this morning that they were cancelling our reservations the race was on. Where to go? What to do? We ended up with reservations in South Padre Island Texas. We will stop in the Austin area for a couple of days. (Hope to catch up with the Barone's hint hint) We will then finish the drive to the Island where we will stay until Saturday. It will be different but maybe that is a good thing. Trish and Eli will still be joining us which is what I am looking forward to the most. Please pray for safe travel and for our broken hearts as we try to vacation without our baby.

I am taking the computer but not sure how often I will update but I will try to let you all know how much fun we are having.

Looking toward the Son
Tina

Thursday, July 7, 2005 9:51 PM CDT

Okay, I have been counting down the days to vacation and now I am thinking we need a couple of extra days. This whole hurricane thing is getting on my nerves. We have not had a family vacation in 2 years and this trip was something I need. I need some away time. I need some Trish time. We are just playing things by ear and as of now are still planning on heading out early Sat. morning hoping for the best. I am sure we will get some days on the beach the question will be how many? So once again I ask for as many prayers as possible that Dennis will take a turn or better yet just die off.

Work is about the same. I did get the pleasure of having lunch with Lori (which we try to do at least once a week) but today Jamie, Hayden and girls joined us. They were actually very good. After work I had to take Hayden to the TV station to draw for the St. Jude Dream Home early bird drawing. He didn’t realize he was going to speak but he did great as usual. Jan Elkins is the St. Jude Dream Home person from the station and she is an incredible person. I think Stanton found a special place in her heart and she has continued to be very special to us. After that Hayden and I had some time just picking up a few things he needed for the trip. When he is good he is so fun to be with.

I came across an email devotional that talked about storms so I thought what more appropriate devotional for tonight.

God's Lights In Dark Nights
by Max Lucado

There are snowstorms. There are hailstorms. There are rainstorms. And
there are doubtstorms.

Every so often a doubtstorm rolls into my life, bringing with it a
flurry of questions and gale-force winds of fear. And, soon after it comes, a light shines through it.

God's lights in our dark nights are as numerous as the stars, if only
we'll look for them.

When Larry Brown was the coach of the San Antonio Spurs, he once spent
an afternoon at a local men's store, signing autographs. He was
scheduled to spend two hours, but ended up spending three.
Pencil-and-pad-toting kids besieged the place, asking him questions and shaking his hand.

When he was finally able to slip out, he climbed into his car, only to
notice a touching sight. A late-arriving youngster pedaled up, jumped
off his bike, and ran to the window to see if the coach was still in the store. When he saw he wasn't, he turned slowly and sadly, walked over to his bike, and began to ride off.

Coach Brown turned off the ignition, climbed out of the car, and walked
over to the boy. They chatted a few minutes, went next door to a
drugstore, sat down at a table, and had a soft drink.

No reporters were near. No cameras were on. As far as these two knew,
no one knew. I'm sure Larry Brown had other things to do that afternoon. No doubt he had other appointments to keep. But it's doubtful that anything he might have done that afternoon was more important than what he did.

In a world of big-bucked, high-glossed professional sports, it did me
good to hear of one coach who is still a coach at heart. Hearing what he did was enough to blow away any lingering clouds of doubt and to leave me warmed by God's light ... his gentle light.

Gentle lights. God's solutions for doubtstorms. Not thunderbolts. Not
explosions of light. Just gentle lights.

Visible evidence of the invisible hand.

After I read this I thought of all of the storms that my life has been through. More than I ever hoped for but through it all there has been a bright light but sometimes I really have to look hard for it. I loved the story of the coach because in today’s time you never hear of the good things that people do, all you hear about is bad things. There would be celebrities that would come to St. Jude and want no media attention at all. Michael Waltrip was one of those people. He wanted it to be him and the kids. We had complete strangers that came during the darkest of hours and sent cards, money, care packages. Talk about God’s lights. All of the emails and guestbook entries especially when I am feeling down are true examples of God’s light. You see, it is there you just have to look for it.

Holding the Invisible Hand
Tina

Wednesday, July 6, 2005 8:17 PM CDT

Another crazy day at work! The only good thing about that is that it keeps my mind occupied. Although our vacation will be very bittersweet I am ready. Stanton would always talk about when he got his magic lines out he was going to the beach. We sure had hoped the we would get the opportunity to take him this summer. I know that he is at the most beautiful beach ever and nothing we will see will compare. I am also very ready to see Trish. That is the biggest disadvantage of St. Jude is that you form bonds that are unbelievable but when things are all said and done you live so far apart. We have a lot of catching up to do. One prayer request-pray that this hurricane that seems to be brewing heads in another direction.

My Stanton story for tonight: Last summer we were in Memphis and I was going to miss Mary Claire’s first t-ball game. For those of you who know how much I love Mary Claire you know what a big deal this was. We ended up getting a break to come home and I was so excited I wasn’t going to miss it after all. When we got home, Jamie had a bigger surprise. They were making Stanton an honorary member of the t-ball team so he could play. He was so excited he had a shirt and a cap. He did really good the first game. I remember again to vividly the memory of him rounding third to run home. I had tears in my eyes and I know people may have thought I was silly but all I could think of is that we are doing this because he may not ever get the chance to do it again. Thoughts like that would often come up and as much as I tried to dismiss them maybe God was trying to prepare me. He ended up getting to play a couple of games but he wasn’t much on defense. When the team was in the field he talked “weenie” into taking him to the park until it was his turn to bat. He had it all figured out. His first game he was so excited because he won and got a powerade. Actually everybody wins in t-ball but we didn’t tell him.

On the way to work this morning I was a little emotional. It has been one month now since Emma Grace met Stanton in heaven and I was just having a hard time when a song came on the radio. It happened to be one that they played during one of the slide shows during Emma Grace’s visitation. It is by Mercy Me and I would love to share it with you and my favorite sentence in it.

Another rainy day
I can't recall having sunshine on my face
All I feel is pain
All I wanna do is walk out of this place
But when I am stuck and I can't move
When I don't know what I should do
When I wonder if I'll ever make it through

I gotta keep singing
I gotta keep praising Your name
Your the one that's keeping my heart beating
I gotta keep singing
I gotta keep praising Your name
That's the only way that I'll find healing

Can I climb up in Your lap
I don't wanna leave
Jesus sing over me
I gotta keep singing

Can I climb up in Your lap
I don't wanna leave
Jesus sing over me
I gotta keep singing

Oh You're everything I need
And I gotta keep singing

Now I have to admit that I don’t sing or at least not in front of anyone. I wish I did because I love so many songs that touch me deeply but the whole point is that no matter what and no matter how down I get God is who keeps me going and I have to keep giving Him the praise. You may already have guessed my favorite part “Can I climb in your lap I don’t wanna leave”. You don’t know how many nights I go to sleep asking God for me to climb in His lap. There is some comfort in knowing that He is holding me through all of the tears, struggles, questions, and pain. So I encourage you all to keep singing and praising His name.

Sleeping in His lap tonight as I do most nights
Tina

Tuesday, July 5, 2005 10:14 PM CDT

This will probably be short and sweet. Not much to say tonight. Work was hectic as expected with a new computer system. Tonight I was a fill in for Jamie's Bunko group and it was great to laugh a little or a lot. I think that is something I have not done a lot of since Stanton earned his wings. Just doesn't seem like there is a lot to laugh about. Thank you to all who were there tonight and helped me to laugh.

Stanton story of the day: As you can probably guess Stanton was at St. Jude so long he felt at home. He made himself at home everywhere he went especially in the D clinic. He usually was pretty picky about who could look at what and believe it or not everyone did everything he asked. Dr. Furman never knew what personality to expect but it was always a good sign when he had to go chase him down the hall or look for him behind the door. One day our social worker decided that Stanton needed foam swords. Not a good idea. He fought with her for a while and then Dr. Furman rounded the corner. Of course Stanton started fighting with him but he was unarmed. We finally got Dr. Furman his foam sword and the fight was on. It was hilarious and I don't think I have to tell you who won. It was also never a good idea to have Stanton and Emma Grace in the clinic at the same time. They would not stay out of each others room. The doctors knew where to find each of them if they weren't in their room.

I know tonights entry is pretty boring but things were tough today. For anyone who is around someone who has lost a loved one I would like to share something with you. I read a book called "Don't take away my grief". It talked about how society tends to want to put a time limit on grief and if they don't talk to you about it things are okay. Or if you aren't crying every minute then you are doing fine. As a grieving mom what I can say is that when you are around me you do not have to say anything. I may just need you there. You would be surprised at the friends we thought were friends that walked away the day Stanton was buried and haven't talked to us since. Some days I just need a friend. I want you to talk about Stanton. It is not going to hurt me anymore if you talk about him. Last, don't push someone to get over their grief too fast. There are no set time limits. I have learned that the more you love the harder it hurts. Stanton was such a HUGE part of our life there will always be a void, I can just hope that I can continue to learn and grow from the things that he taught me.

Imagining God's arms are tired
Tina

Monday, July 4, 2005 10:01 PM CDT

Happy 4th of July to all! I have so much to tell I am not even sure where to start. First of all this was our 1st 4th home in 2 years. 2 years ago Stanton was in the hospital after his bone marrow transplant. Last year we back at St. Jude. The 4th has always been a big deal for our family so I think God may have been preparing me for some of the differences in holidays we would face this year. The last major holiday we spent with Stanton was very different than our normal.

Today we headed to mom’s for barbeque. It was great food and good time spent with family. Although I did get a lesson in the brutal honesty of children. We were playing dominos and Mary Claire was playing with us (she is actually very good). I got up and some comment was made by Jamie to Hayden that it wasn’t over until the fat lady sang. Mary Claire got most upset and said “Hey that is my aunt you are talking about”. I just have to love her because she was after all defending me in her own way.

Tonight there was a firework show at the pond down the street. I had decided we could see from our house. The rest of the clan decided that we needed to get in the truck and drive so off we go, most of us in the back (Jeff, me, Hayden, Mom, Jamie, Scotty, Mary Claire, Elynn Kate, Dean, Casey and Carson). We decided that there must some redneck joke about this adventure and if there isn’t there should be. We actually watched the longest firework show I have ever been to. Even the kids were saying they were hot and ready to go.

Needless to say there were many much needed laughs today as we made it through yet another first. I will now tell you about our 4th from last year. It was a very memorable one. We were in Memphis and Nurse Sarah and Mr. David asked us to go to the baseball game. We sat up on the hill in the grass. We couldn’t see much of the ballgame but had an awesome seat for the fireworks. I don’t know why but as Stanton lay next to Sarah I remember thinking what a special moment. I got some great pictures. Once again, I think it was God making another very special memory knowing things would be so different this year.

Sunday, July 3, 2005 10:12 PM CDT

Good Sunday night to all. Hope you all are enjoying a holiday weekend. Things have just been around here, not too much going on. I did go into work for a couple of hours today. When I got home we decided to go to the lake where Jamie and her family were camping. It was a nice outing. I think Jeff began to realize that I was becoming a home body. Not really wanting to get out much and that is not like me nor is it good for me. I really just don’t know how to explain to all of you the feelings I have. The days are so hard. Lately my quiet time with God has been just that, QUIET. I know He knows what I am thinking and feeling so I just tell him that I don’t have the words and just let Him work. On the way home today I was just about to meltdown and this song came on the radio and I have heard it many times before but today I really listened to the words. It is called “Lord Move or Move Me”

I can't find the words to pray, I'm a little down today
Can you help me, can you hold me
I feel a million miles away and I don't know what to say
Can you hear me anyway
What I need is for you to reach out your hand
You taught me no matter what you'd understand
Lord, move in a way that I've never seen before
'Cause there's a mountain in the way and a lock on the door
I'm drifting away, waves are crashing on the shore
So Lord, move or move me
I've looked every where to find a simple piece of mind
But I can't find nothin' on my own
So I gotta leave myself behind, take up this cross of mine
Give away everything I hold on to
Lord, I know the only way is through this
But Lord, I know I need you to help me do this
Out of this place of complacency
To a place of fellowship with thee
'Cause I am weak, but Lord, you are so strong
And you know it's been way too long
It's been way too long

I am so thankful that I have a God that knows what I am feeling even if I can’t make the words come out. I love the phrase that says “I know the only way is through this”. That is how I feel about this downhill slide that I am on. I know that the feelings I am having are not something I can go around, I have to go through them and face them head on no matter how hard. What I am certain of is that I do not have to go through them alone. I have the leader of all leader to lead me through them, I just have to put my faith and trust in Him.

I know there are still many of you checking on us. Please sign the guestbook and let us know who you are and if you like the entries or if there is something else you would like to see.

I guess my Stanton memory for tonight would probably be the last time Stanton went with us when Jamie was camping. We were just home from Memphis for a weekend visit. The kids of course had a blast. Stanton couldn’t swim so none of the kids got in the water but he could fish and that is what he did. I have some of the cutest pictures of he and my dad standing by the lake fishing. Stanton would fish just about anywhere. That night he really didn’t want to come home and I think he would have spent the night if we would have let him. Once again, tonight I sat there imagining how much fun he would have been having running around, roasting marshmallows. When we left I just looked up at the stars and knew he was looking down at us.

Looking head on at the mountain
Tina

I am also still waiting on some good Stanton stories. I know some of you St. Jude nurses have some good ones!!!!

Saturday, July 2, 2005 6:03 PM CDT

Okay, I am back from my 32 hour work marathon. Don’t get me wrong I work best under pressure so I actually enjoyed it. I did come home yesterday evening and crash.

I still seem to be in this downhill slide that I can’t seem to stop. Everything reminds me of Stanton. I wish I could put into words how much I miss him. I went to the angel garden today and once again had to put myself back into reality that I was visiting the grave site of my baby. I don’t know if I will ever be okay with that. I did spend a good deal of time talking with God while I was there. That is the one constant comfort that I have is that no matter what I have Him to talk to.

I loved to read Jeff’s story about Stanton. There are so many things Stanton did that were so precious and so etched into our minds. My story for tonight shows a little about how spoiled he was and how things were all about him. First of all when you have a child with cancer that eats very little when they ask for something to eat you jump through hoops to make it happen. Well one night while we were in the hospital he decided he wanted ice cream. Not the kind in the nutrition room but the kind in a cone. So off Jeff went. When he got back Stanton went into orbit, the ice cream did not have stripes in it. Well, it was melted so Jeff tried to make it look like it had the swirls in it which Stanton was way to smart for. Needless to say he ended up not getting ice cream then. The next day I went to get the ice cream. It was cold outside and I rode with the windows down and the air conditioner on all the way back to the hospital but it was worth it because when I got it there Stanton looked at Jeff and said “this is what I wanted.” Another food story while he we in the hospital. The nurses got quite a kick out of this one. Stanton wanted a biscuit for breakfast so I ordered him a biscuit. Of course it was not the kind he wanted he wanted a little biscuit (cheap canned biscuit). So, I called Jeff at the Target House and told him to go get some little biscuits and bring some to him. Jeff went to the store and bought Grands biscuits (big no no). Of course when he brought them they were not what Stanton wanted so here we go again. Jeff and Miss Amy (childlife) went to work on the biscuits. I think they used a cookie cutter but I was kind of afraid to ask but they had made the biscuits smaller. They were just what Stanton wanted but by the time we got them to him they were “cold”. I guess that when for half of your life the world revolves around you what else would we expect. Once again, I would go back in a heart beat. I miss all of these things that he used to do.

Please continue to keep our family in your prayers. With each new month I seem to miss Stanton more. We will be going on vacation for the first time in 2 years next weekend and I am very ready but there is a part of me that can’t believe Stanton won’t be going with us.

One set of footprints for sure
Tina

Thursday, June 30, 2005 10:12 PM CDT

This is Jeff updating in place of my lovely wife Tina she is working
tonight so ya'll get to here from me instead.People stil ask how we are
doing we really don't know we just say hanging in there and that's what
we're doing just hanging in there waiting on the day we can see our
baby
again. My Stanton momemory for the day is when we were home before we
relasped.Stanton loved to go fishing so we were going everyday after
work
he would be waiting for me to get home with his fishing pole ready. We
would load up and go to a small lake by our house and catch alot of
fish he
had such a good time just throwing his pole out for a three year old he
was
pretty good at it. One day we were fishing and a airplane flew over he
looked up at and said daddy you know what and I said what baby he said
airplanes make me so happy and from then on when a airplane flew over
he
would just smile that lovely smile of his and say yea they make me soo
happy. And I would say they make me so happy too and he would say no
daddy
helicoppers make you happy. And now it is so great to go to the Angel
garden to see him and a airplane flies over I know he is sooo happy.
Hanging In there the best I can.
Jeff

Wednesday, June 29, 2005 9:05 PM CDT

I sometimes feel like I am sliding down a hill that has no end. The morning started off not so hot. Something woke me up and when I jumped up I could hear Stanton in his room. It was so very real and I got up and went running only to find an empty room. Don't get me wrong I didn't expect to see him but again, it was so real. So from there on out the day was a bummer.

I will probably not update tomorrow night as I will be working all night. We are having a computer conversion and I am one of the lucky people who has to be there at midnight when we cross over and to balance month end. I love things like this so it really doesn't bother me.

For my Stanton story for tonight I will elaborate on Trish's story on Emma Grace's site. Yes, we played beauty shop a LOT and yes Trish bought make-up that DID NOT come off. Did it ever stop me? No! What she left out (I am sure for Jeff's sake) is that everytime we played beauty shop Stanton was right in the middle. Depending on who all was working on me we would split my hair into 2 or 3 sections. Things got a little painful when Stanton and Emma Grace couldn't decide which section they wanted. Christal was always such a sport and just let them fight until they moved on to something else and then she could play by herself. One day Stanton came back from Trish's room with his fingers and toes painted. He was so proud but Jeff had other ideas. This of course did not stop Stanton. The next time he went over there he got the blue polish (of course blue is for boys is what he told Jeff) and proceeded to paint his own toenails. It was a riot. As you can tell there were very few rules when those 2 got together.

This is going to be kind of short because I am going to try to get in bed early.

Only By His Grace
Tina

Tuesday, June 28, 2005 9:58 PM CDT

What a day, it was like a Monday all over again. The one thing about being busy is it doesn’t give my mind time to wander. We are going through a computer conversion at work at our trainer came in today. As usual God knew exactly who I needed exactly when I needed it. Willa is an incredible lady who is so laid back and very understanding. I had a great time today sharing a little about Stanton with her. I will never get tired of talking about him.

Which brings me to my Stanton story of the night: At one time at the RMH Emma Grace and Stanton were in rooms side by side and Jake was across the hall. Needless to say Emma Grace and Stanton thought they ran the hall. We would wake up in the morning and whoever got up first would knock on the wall. If the other was awake we would knock back and Stanton and Emma Grace would take off running. There was a defined path between our rooms. We forgot to tell Staci and Don to keep their door locked if they didn’t want company and about 10:00 one night Emma Grace and Stanton left our room and said “we’re going to find Jake”. Before we could say anything they had busted into Jake’s room. So much for privacy for the Raborn’s. They are such good sports they didn’t mind and let them stay as long as they wanted. There was one day they brought several kids into our room to play. We didn’t know the kids at first but Emma Grace informed us it was okay they were their friends. I had to figure out who went where so I could go tell their parents where they were. Stanton and Emma Grace spent so much time at RMH it was just like home. We were so blessed to have such a great place to stay.

This was in my email devotional for today. ( ) are my thoughts:

The one way of trusting God we tend to doubt the most is His love
for us. Satan attacks our faith in the Father's care often and in many
situations. But we have three proofs to rely on when our certainty
wavers. (How many times during a rough situation do you ask how in the world can someone who loves me so much hurt me so bad? God never intends to hurt us. It is Satan who tries to make us believe this and turn our backs on God)

Character love--The nature of God is love. (1 John 4:8) The Bible also
says that God is light and there is no darkness in Him. (1 John 1:5) In
other words, there is nothing sinful or imperfect in His character. If
the Father is perfect and loving, He will never mistreat one of His
children. (We are one of His children.)

Calvary love--Jesus' sacrificial death on the cross for our sins
provides irrefutable evidence of God's love. The Father's heart for His human children was revealed when He gave His Son to die in our place. Jesus' salvation is available to all, but He would have made the same choice if there had been just one of us. (This has been a very tough subject for me since we first saw the movie “Passion of the Christ”. In this movie I realized just how much pain Jesus went through and he was God’s son. After the movie Jeff even commented about if God’s son could endure that what Stanton has gone through is minor. I cannot imagine putting my son’s life on the line to save so many people who sometimes don’t even want to save themselves.)

Covenant love--God is committed to making us heirs. (Hebrews 8:10) We
know that when we receive Jesus Christ as our Savior we become children
of God. Our immaturity is the reason He is patient and kind to us. God
sees us as we are--little ones learning to navigate in our short-term
home on Earth. (I am so thankful for such a loving Father)

As growing believers, we cannot trust God if we doubt His devotion.
Thankfully, we possess these amazing proofs. It is the Father's nature to love, which He demonstrated at the cross and continues to prove through His adoption of us as sons and daughters.

Loved Unconditionally
Tina

We were graced with a visitor tonight. Barney's truck route brought him through Minden so we are so happy to see him. Our doors are always open when he comes through town.

Monday, June 27, 2005 10:19 PM CDT

Well, the doctor seemed to think I may be making some improvement although I have a new spot that is having to be taken care of now. I just hope we caught this one early and it won't be such a big deal.

Things were hectic at work as we are undergoing a computer conversion so if there is a night when I don't update don't get to worried I may just be working.

Jamie called me at work today telling me about a conversation that she and Mary Claire had. They too are trying to give me their favorite memories of Stanton. (Don't forget to send me yours) Mary Claire had some memories of before Stanton getting sick which is amazing because those seem so few and far between. She ended the conversation with talking about how much she missed Stancie because he was her very best friend. She wanted to know why he had to go to heaven. I think this is a question we all have had and I want to put the words to this song here because they are how I feel so many days:

Why?

They say that into every life
Some rain must fall
For the pain is no respecter
Of the mighty or the small
But sometimes it just seems so unfair
To see the One who’s had more than His share
Oh it makes you wonder why

And Lord I wouldn’t second guess
Your mighty plan
For I know You have a purpose
That’s beyond the scope of man
If you look inside my heart you will find
That I have always been the trusting kind
Oh but still I wonder

Why do the rainy days have to come
When the storm clouds hide the sun
I wanna know why
Why when the reasons aren’t clear to me
When it all is a mystery
I want to know why
And though down here I may not understand
I won’t let go of the unseen hand
For it holds the reasons why

The Lord has never been afraid
Of honest prayers
And He won’t allow the burden
To be more than you can bear
When He knows that your trust is in Him
He doesn’t mind the questions now and then
Even if you wonder

Why do the rainy days have to come
When the storm clouds hide the sun
I wanna know why
Why when the reasons aren’t clear to me
When it all is a mystery
I want to know why
And though down here I may not understand
I won’t let go of the unseen hand
For It holds the reasons why

I thought this was pretty appropriate as I know there are many who still ask why?

Stanton story for the night: Stanton called his bottom his "biscuits" (as do many St. Jude kids now) and he was infamous for shaking his biscuits. He would be on the 2nd floor with the juke box, start him a song and off he would go. It was always a site. When we were home in between remission and relapse we were watching Dakota play ball and they were playing music in between innings. Obviously country was not his music of choice because he said I one time "I have heard enough of this crap". When they did finally play something he liked he stood up and started shaking those biscuits. The next thing I new it was another one of those slow motion times, I saw it happening but just couldn't get to him fast enough. He dropped his pants, underwear and all to shake his biscuits. Luckily his jacket was long, but everyone around us got a kick because although they saw nothing they knew exactly what happened. Believe me, there was NEVER a dull moment where Stanton was concerned.

Guess I will always wonder why
Tina

Sunday, June 26, 2005 8:42 PM CDT

Good evening all. I hope you all had a very restful Sunday. Ours was a typical Sunday. We got up and went to church this morning where we had an incredible Sunday School lesson although I must say it was kind of tough. It was about death and heaven and some of our expectations. Then during church Brother Wayne preached a great sermon which I will tell you about later.

We spent the afternoon watching the race. Yes, I am addicted. Jeff made me clean out my closet. He accused me of having too many clothes. Me? Never! It was then time to go listen to Mary Claire sing at church. She did great but once again, watching things that Stanton should be doing is hard. One thing that was awesome is one of the little girls from our very first Sunday School class got baptized tonight. (Jeff and I taught the one year old SS class for about 6 years until Stanton got sick). Meridith we are so proud of you! From church we went to Gary and Sarah’s for Mary Claire to show me how she could swim. Elynn Kate was not so fond of the water.

Stanton story for the night: There was a 2 week span in December when Jeff came back to work and Granma (AKA Memaw) came to stay. Stanton of course loved all of the one on one attention and a little change of scenery. First of all every morning mother would get up and take her medicine. It eventually got where Stanton would go get her bag and then tell her what medicine she needed depending on if it were night or day. He would put them in her mouth one at a time and mother patiently waited. Something that should have took a couple of minutes could last 15. He also loved to read so when it got time for bed he would climb in bed with Granma and ask if she would read him a book. Of course she said yes, so down he went, pulled his box of books from under the bed and proceeded to get about 15 books. As he would put one on the bed she would say okay. I bet you can figure out the ending to the story. Yes, she ended up reading all 15 books. Some nights he would fall asleep with her and others when they were finished he would climb up with me. I am so glad they got to have some special time together.

Now for the sermon this morning. He preached from Daniel Chapter 4 and I am not going to get into all of the details but he finished with that there are 4 life lessons that you can learn from this chapter:

1. Worldly success never truly satisfies. (This is a reminder to not get to comfortable with earthly things. They cannot truly make you happy. This kind of tied into the SS lesson in saying that we are actually citizens of heaven just passing through this earth).
2. God employs a variety of methods to get our attention. It is easy for Satan to keep us distracted so that we may not hear what God is asking of us. (I kind of have a little experience with it taking something drastic to get my attention so once again I encourage you to stop and listen. Don’t let Satan get in the way of God’s voice.)
3. God always call one to repent before he sends judgement.
4. When you look to God He will restore you. (Don’t spend all of your days looking down. When you are having a bad day, look up. He will be there to pick you up.)

These were all life lessons that I can say I learned the hard way. I continue to struggle with the day to day living without Stanton. Some days it is still hard to believe. The only thing that gets me through these days is the hope that God gives us that we will see him again some day.

Thank you all for your continued love and support. I love hearing from you!

Surrendering daily
Tina

Saturday, June 25, 2005 2:43 PM CDT

I know this is an early update but I just needed to talk to someone and who better than all of you. Once again, I find myself home alone. Part of me doesn’t mind, it just feels right to stay at home by myself. The other part hates every minute of it. Yesterday evening I did a radio interview for the St. Jude Dream Home and I guess I just didn’t have the time to prepare my mind or my heart because it was very hard. I have cried and cried just wishing I didn’t have to live the rest of my life without my baby. I miss him so bad. I went to the angel garden this morning. It is usually a place of peace for me but this morning I just couldn’t get it together. I have since been lying on the couch watching lifetime. Of course the first movie I watched had a very interesting point that was a no brainer that God was trying to get through. It was about a fireman that saved a little girl, there really was no way they should have lived but they did. When he talked to her later he said ‘There is a reason we were saved”. I do know there is a plan a reason for everything that happens; sometimes just waiting on the reason is hard.

Stanton/Emma Grace story for the day: This is a day that I have shared before but did not share the whole story so I will give you ALL of the details. One day the kids decided that they wanted to go fishing. Stanton loved to fish and would spend many days throwing his rod into the meditation pond at the RMH. So on this day Jeff headed to Wal-Mart because we knew they would not share a pole and they needed crickets (you see the ones we had brought all the way from Minden escaped in the Suburban). We headed out to Shelby Farms and started fishing. I am not much on getting my hands dirty so I was the official camera person. I was going to get this entire day on photos and recorded. Most of the time Jeff sat on the bank with Stanton on one knee and Emma Grace on the other, both with fishing poles with hooks on them. One usually had a fish. Needless to say Jeff’s hands were full. I had brought along a plastic tablecloth to sit on (the ground was wet) and was sitting there taking turns taking picture and videoing. Emma Grace decided she had fished enough and was coming to sit by me. When she lifted up the table cloth to find a place to sit the camcorder started rolling down the hill toward the pond. It was like slow motion. I had Emma Grace in my lap and couldn’t get up very fast, Trish started running down the hill and as she reached the water, one foot went in the pond, one hand went in a snake hole and the camcorder went blub blub blub into the water. Of course we have no video of all of this occurring but it was a memory that is etched in our brains forever. We did retrieve the camcorder and it still has the tape in it, I can’t get it to eject. As if this was not enough fun, keep in mind we were laughing hysterically glad that no one else was watching, we decided to move to another pond where the kids had more fun throwing the crickets in the water than they did fishing. This pond has geese on it and this turned into a typical Stanton/Emma Grace moment. They started feeding the geese chex mix I believe and when the geese got close Emma Grace got a little scared. Well, this was just the ammunition Stanton needed as he would throw the chex mix right on her heels so the geese would start chasing her. I gave Trish a hard time because it would have been cute to have on camera but again, memories we will never forget. I will tell you the next time we all went fishing Jeff made sure Barney was in town.

I got an email from a friend this morning and of course I have to share:

God said, "I have set my bow in the clouds, and it shall be a sign of
the covenant between me and the earth."
- Genesis 9:13 (NRSV)
_________________________

MY high-school physics teacher once observed that no two people ever
see
exactly the same rainbow in the sky. Although it may be the same sun
shining through the same shower, each of us sees the sun at a slightly
different angle, shining through a different set of raindrops.
Therefore every rainbow is a unique experience for each observer.

So it is with life. Each of us may see similar storms of life. We may
also be aware of God's grace shining during those storms. But the
"rainbows" that renew hope are unique for each of us. Some we see
during a gentle spring shower; others we see through the lens of tears.
Each offers the same affirmation of hope that God gave to Noah long
ago.

In my own life, I've seen many awe-inspiring sights that revealed to me
God's presence in the world. But I've also seen many tragedies when
God's presence didn't seem obvious at all. However, in these moments a
"rainbow" often appeared to restore my faith, give me hope, and
reassure
me of God's continuing love.

Prayer: In the midst of life's storms, O God, may we see your rainbow
of hope and grace that reminds us of your covenant and your infinite
love for us. Amen.

THOUGHT FOR THE DAY:
In the midst of the storm, look for signs of God's presence.

This could not have been more appropriate. God has sent rainbows at our deepest darkest hours and the sight of it did offer some peace of knowing Stanton had arrived in heaven and was okay. My prayer is that all of you will see your rainbows in life no matter what the circumstances.

Seeing God’s signs
Tina

Friday, June 24, 2005 10:51 PM CDT

Hey everyone its hayden,
We had a good day we went to the ball park tonite and watched the minden AA alstars neither one won but they tried hard and did good. mom enjoyed getting out of the house. we were watching trace francis he did realy good.. anyways tomorow dont no what goin on. sorry its so short

hayden

Thursday, June 23, 2005 8:01 PM CDT

First I want to say thank you to Sherry for finishing the underwear story in the guestbook. Just another example of a trait he picked up from his mom (the hard head). Let’s just say things are never boring. Today at work was just one of those days. Don’t get me wrong, I love to be busy. It sure does make the day go by faster.

After work I got the chance to spoil (just a little) a very special little girl. Her name is Megan and she is the daughter of one of my best friends at work. Lori has done so much for me over the past 2 years I decided to do something nice for her and Megan. Lori is not a shopper so it works out pretty good. We had a great evening and it felt good to spoil someone else’s child.

Stanton story for the day (this is something I am going to keep doing so that I have a written record of everything I can come up with): For any of you who have had children with cancer you will understand this more. We used to joke that when we got the cancer thing out of the way we would have to send our children to a drug rehab. At a very early age Stanton picked up on his favorite medicines. First of all, out of the blue one day he told Nurse Debbie in Assessment Triage to flush his line (with Heparin) fast. When we asked him why his words “Cause it makes me wizzy”. From then on he would make sure they had the heparin ready and would often ask to flush it on his own. There were many nights when he would say “please flush my lines just one more time”. He would do anything for Dimetapp. He would be doing something and then stop, fake a cough and say “I thin I need some Dimetapp”. Getting him not to eat before a procedure was easy because he liked to get the “sleepy medicine”. One day before biopsies he was laying down when they started and he sat up real quick so he would get the full effect. But the topper was when we went to the dentist and they gave him happy gas. As it started working he said “this is way better than heparin”. The only problem was that from then on he didn’t want to brush his teeth so he could go back to the dentist. Some times he was just to smart. These are just a few of the many memories I hope to continue sharing with you all. He truly was an incredible kid!

As each day goes by and I hear of another child being “promoted to heaven” my heart just breaks. There were so many children between our 2 stays at St. Jude’s that we not only knew but had grown to love that are leaving their earthly home. There are also some that are still very sick without a good prognosis. Please just keep all of these families in your prayers.

I am thinking God is trying to get a point across to me. Every devotional I have gotten via email this week has been on faith. They have all been great and great reminders to hang onto the faith that God is always right beside me. I will not talk about my faith devotional tonight though because it was another one that really caught my attention. It was entitiled “Tightly gripped or Wiggled free”. The verse is what first caught my attention:

1 Samuel 1:27-28

For this child I have prayed and the Lord has granted me my petition which I asked of Him. Therefore I also have lent him to the Lord; as long as he lives he shall be lent to the Lord. So they worshiped the Lord there.

I am sure I have your attention now and that you probably think you know where I am going with this. You are kind of right. The first thing I thought of when reading this verse and before reading the devotional was Stanton of course. I know many of you might be confused because you feel like we prayed for something and our petition was not granted. As far as I am concerned out petition was granted perfectly. We prayed for Stanton’s healing and although not earthly he is healed perfectly by God’s will. I just continue to thank God for allowing me the absolute pleasure of being his mom even if for only a short time.

The devotional that went with the verse actually took me to Hayden. It was written by a mom who described her childhood days of catching critters and hanging on to them until they found a box or a bowl to put them in. Almost always the critter would win and wiggle out of their hands. Okay, I know you are wondering where is she going with this? She then describes the feeling as her son tells them that he is going to propose to his girlfriend (no Hayden is not getting married). There were many emotions but one particular, her treasure was wiggling out of my grip. She wanted to hold onto her son and not let him go although she knew she could not.

After Stanton passed away I have often thought of the fact that Hayden is growing up and it won’t be long until he is going to college and starting a life of his own. He will always be my baby but there will be a time to let go. God gave him to me to “train him up in the way he should go”. Have I taught him everything that he needs to know to be a great Christian man. I know he has been through so much and I hope that he continues on the path that he is on, looking to God in good times as well as in those of trouble. If I do my job as a mother he will one day go out on his own filled with the Holy Spirit and filled with strength, courage and perseverance to face the world’s trials.

My prayer tonight is for the wisdom to continue to raise Hayden in a way that everything he does he does to the best of his ability always giving credit back to God.

I know you all may be thinking that I am looking to far down the road but it is never to early to start instilling these values in your children. I cannot tell you the sense of peace I have knowing that Stanton even at 3 understood the concept of God and that when the time came he was not afraid.

Thankful for my Children
Tina

Wednesday, June 22, 2005 8:26 PM CDT

Today was an okay day. It is now day number 3 with a headache so I am just about to get used to it. The one thing I cannot get used to is all of these babies being promoted to heaven. I have emailed several people who have either just lost a child or who are home on hospice and I tell you the feelings of unfairness can get overwhelming. I guess it is so hard because I can vividly remember every detail and every feeling.

Before I get to my devotional I want to tell another Stanton story. I will try to do this occasionally to just give those of you who never knew him a glimpse of how incredible he was. We finally got Stanton potty trained or actually he trained himself, he just decided he was not going to wear diapers. So you all know me plain underwear was not an option so he had underwear in every character made and he was very peculiar about which ones he wore when. There is one problem with this underwear though, the pictures are usually on the back. Well, Stanton couldn’t see spiderman or Blue’s clues if they were on the back so he insisted on wearing them backwards. It could not have been comfortable but he was insistent. There were times when he was really having stomach trouble or when he had so many fluids running through him that we tried to get him to wear a diaper. He wanted no part of this so we went through underwear like you wouldn’t believe. I had to try to keep them all washed because we never knew what he was going to be in the mood for. I would call mom and say find …… underwear and please mail them to us. It truly was all about him. He was also known to wear a t-shirt backwards if the writing was on the back. Yes, he was a persistent little thing. Oh how I miss him!!!!!! My life will certainly never be the same because of the love and determination of my 3 year old son!

I mentioned Jeremiah in my update last night and I want to include his website again. Please stop by and show this mom how much we all care.
www.caringbridge.org/visit/jeremiahaverhart I can never tell you how much it means to hear from so many people. I have often been down but been uplifted by a guestbook entry.

My devotion for tonight is about faith. It kind of goes with the book I am reading so I thought you all might enjoy.

Breaking Down Faith Barriers
Joshua 1:1-11

God never calls us to do something without also offering us the promise
of His presence. When we succumb to the false power of faith barriers,
we ignore that promise. But we can topple barriers with four effective
practices.

Listen. God speaks to us through the Bible, teaching us about Himself
and His ways. The reason Christians need to know God is because faith
and trust are linked. We will not trust a God we do not know. To actively
know Him, we must purpose in our hearts to follow the commands of
Scripture. We do not learn about God simply by reading the Bible. We learn
about Him by obeying His Word.

Leap. With courage and obedience, take a leap of faith. When God tells
us what to do, we are not to wait until all the answers are known,
everyone is in agreement, and we feel secure. We do what He asks the moment
He makes the request.

Leave. God assumes full responsibility for a life surrendered to His
service. So leave the consequences to Him.

Look. Our heavenly Father wants us to see He keeps His promises. If we
look around us, we will begin to see the evidence of His presence, His
power, and the fruitfulness of our obedience.

When we pull down faith barriers, we can expect spiritual freedom.
Believers who refuse to cast excuses between themselves and God experience
His presence and power in their lives. God is calling you--will you
take a leap of faith today?

I know that God nevers asks us to do something that He has not properly equipped us for so why do we hesitate to take that step of faith? I wish I had the answer. I wish I could say that I never hesitate but I know that I do. So as I look at the barriers above I will have to make more of an effort not to let them get in my way. If there is something I feel God is leading me to do then I will take that step of faith into the unknown knowing I will not be taking that step alone. I am quite certain God still has many plans for me. I am also sure some of them will be outside of my comfort zone. I am just keeping my eyes open trying not to miss the opportunity.

Please say a special prayer for Trish and Barney. They will be traveling tomorrow morning back home from their get-away. I know as the days go by things will get worse before they get better. I am speaking from experience because I am still on the downhill slide. Pray that they can go home and begin trying to make some sense of their new life.

Acting on Faith
Tina

Tuesday, June 21, 2005 8:34 PM CDT

I wanted to put Jeremiah's website on here for all of you to go by and leave a message for his mom. Be sure and tell her Stanton sent you. She loved him! www.caringbridge.org/visit/jeremiahaverhart

Once again I find myself at home by myself hating the peace and quiet. Don’t get me wrong I could go watch Jeff play ball but his game wasn’t until 9 and I get so tired. I still have a headache which I am actually beginning to get used to.

Last night after reading my journal Claire (ShugII) showed up at my house with comfort food (banana splits from Sonic) to help me feel better. Talk about a true friend. Claire-once again thank you so much.

I continue to struggle from day to day, reliving moment after moment, missing Stanton so much. I am often reminded on the impact the he had on people’s lives and I see what his purpose on this earth was. I just wish he didn’t have to do it so fast.

Before I get to my new book I want to mention a little boy and his family that need your prayers. His website is www.caringbridge.org/oh/ryan. He has been sent home on hospice and I have been emailing back and forth with his mother. It does help to be able to help others who are having to go through the unthinkable.

Now for my book “If you want to walk on water you have to get out of the boat”. I actually started reading it last night. It will be slow reading because I found myself going back and rereading. In Matthew he tells the story of Peter stepping out of his boat during a storm. He acted in faith that it was Jesus that he was seeing. What Matthew may be trying to tell us is that sometimes it takes the eyes of faith to recognize when Jesus is around. God has to get your attention! He may be going to call you to do something that is not possible without him. You may be afraid but if you say “yes” to your calling you will experience the power of God in your life. One point to realize is that just because you obey, does not protect you from adversity. This statement really touched a nerve. How often during the journey have I asked “God, I know you must have other plans, what in the world are they? Am I not doing what you want as it seemed like one adversity after another?”

Your boat is defined in this book as something that produces the most fear in you, especially when you think of leaving it behind and stepping out in faith. So you know I am going to ask, What is your boat?

One quote I loved was “If you step up to the plate you may strike out. But if you never step up to the plate you will never know what it feels like to hit a homerun.” Don’t give into your fears, especially if you feel it is something God is leading you to do. Everything is risky. You must get out of the boat a little each day. I wish I could say that the fear would go away, but it may not ever go away. As long as you have to face the fear, you will continue to grow. You can choose to take the risk or go with your comfort zone. One thing for sure is that each time you step out of the boat will make the next time a little easier.

I have the study guide so I could leave you with a lot to think about. If this is something you all are interested in let me know and when I journal chapter by chapter I will include the questions.

We were saddened today to hear of another St. Jude friend earning his angel wings, Jeremiah spent many months at RMH with us and was a precious little boy with a mother who was so very sweet. Jeff actually fell in love with this little boy as he did with so many of the kids.

I want to end with encouraging everyone who does not do so already to think about donating to St. Jude. You can do it in Stanton’s name if you want or just because. It just seems like we are hearing of so many kids that are winning their battle with the beast and going on to their eternal home. For those of us who have walked in this journey with these children it is just one heart break after another. So, please help me in helping St. Jude find a cure so that no other parent has to go through this nightmare.

Going to walk on water when I let Him put me down
Tina

Monday, June 20, 2005 8:48 PM CDT

My head is killing me so this will be short and sweet. I had a good first full day of work today. I did have to go to the doctor and things are still healing, slowly but surely. The good news is that I do not have to go back for a week.

From Jake's website it sounds like they got GREAT news today. GO JAKE GO!!!!! We love you man.

Trish and Barney are having some much needed quiet time.

Sorry this is so short, I will make up for it later.

Looking to the SON
Tina

Sunday, June 19, 2005 9:19 PM CDT

Monday, June 20: Please remember Jake and family today. His PET scan is at 10:00 so please stop and say a prayer. www.caringbridge.org/la/jakeowen

Happy Father’s Day to All

The Strength of a Man

The strength f a man isn’t seen in the width of his shoulders.
It’s in the width of his arm that encircle you.

The strength of a man isn’t in the deep tone of his voice.
It’s in the gentle words he whispers.

The strength of a man isn’t in how many buddies he has.
It’s how good of buddies he is with his children.

The strength of a man isn’t how respected he is at work.
It’s how he is respected at home.

The strength of a man isn’t in how hard he hits.
It’s in how tender he touches.

The strength of a man isn’t in the hair on his chest.
It’s in the heart that lies within his chest.

The strength of a man isn’t how many women he’s loved.
It’s in can he be true to one woman.

The strength of a man isn’t in the weight he can lift.
It’s in the burdens he can carry.

I borrowed this from Jake’s guestbook. I thought it was so appropriate for today.

Today has been a very emotional one for me. It started with singing Amazing Grace in church this morning. That was Emma Grace’s song. At 4 she could sing every word to every verse. I think I may have to get with Todd from now on about the music selection.

I am not going to go into the wonderful father I think Jeff is. I said a lot about him earlier in the week. I will say one more time that I am so blessed to have him as the father of my children.

To the other 2 dads in my life:

Daddy-I know you won’t read this but I know mom will share it with you. There are no words for what you mean to me. I was so proud to talk about you in Sunday School this morning and everything that you mean to me. You have been there for me for the good and the bad. I have put you through so much and yet you love me anyway. The sacrifices that you have made for me did not end when I got married, you continued to sacrifice for me and my children. You are all I could have ever hoped for in a grandfather for my children. I know you and Hayden share a very special bond and I am so grateful for that. I also know that Stanton is grinning from ear to ear in heaven telling everyone, “that’s my weenie”. He loved you so very much. I love you with all of my heart. As you know I will always be a daddy’s girl.

O.H.-You have been my 2nd father for the last 16 years. Thank you for always being there for Jeff and I whenever we need you. Thank you for the values that you instilled in Jeff so that he could become the wonderful father that he is. They say children learn by example. Thank you also for being the fill in dad for Hayden the last 2 years. I know you were there to support him in everything that he did. You will never know how much that means. I love you!

To all of the St. Jude fathers, Don, Drewie, Barry, Joe, and the list goes on and on you guys are amazing. I think you all could be pictured in the section of unconditional love in the dictionary. You sacrifice everything to make your children better. Hope you all had a good day.

To all of the angel fathers, I know today has not been easy, especially for those of you who this is one of the firsts (as it is for Jeff). Hold on to the Father above and His promise that we will see our babies again.

Missing Stanton more and more
Tina

Saturday, June 18, 2005 9:55 PM CDT

As I sit here in the peace and quiet you can imagine that my mind is going 100 miles and hour. I just got back from having supper with Jamie and her family and Dean, Casey and Carson who are like members of the family. It was a great evening out with good food and better fellowship. Jeff is playing baseball so he didn’t get to go with us and we dropped Hayden off with some of his friends on the way home so it is just me. Once again, I remember a day when I longed for some time by myself. Oh how I long for those days again. I would never wish for time by myself again.

Today as I was looking for something I came across the ziplock bag of Stanton’s hair from the last time that he lost his hair which was so very hard but also brought back 2 memories that I will share. The first time we were in Memphis we knew that his hair was going to fall out. In pure Stanton style it started falling out about 3 weeks earlier than we were expecting. Jamie and Mary Claire were there and Stanton was laying on Jamie (she was pregnant with Elynn Kate) and when he lifted his head she said “Tina, look” On her shirt were many little fine pieces of hair. I knew it was small in the scheme of things but it caught me off guard and I had mini meltdown. The nurses were so understanding and I will never forget their care and concern for me. As the weekend went on it got worse and hair was everywhere and Stanton realized that he could reach up and pull it out so that is what he and Mary Claire did. They sat in his bed and put his hair in a bag. You could ask him later what happened to his hair and he would say “I put it in a bag”. After he relapsed and his hair started falling out again, he decided he wanted to shave it like his daddy. So that they did and I picked it all up and put it in a bag. After they finished he decided he wanted his hair back so he would stand at the sink morning after morning and water his head so his hair would grow back.

I guess you can all tell that I am missing him more than ever. I could tell story after story. It is hard to remember that the memories are all I have left and no more will be made.

As you all know I have been struggling to find a devotional book that really jumps out at me. I keep going from book to book knowing that God will eventually lead me to the one I need to hear. I am happy to say I think I may have found that book. I got it from another amazing Neuroblastoma mom. It is called “If you want to walk on water you have to get out of the boat”. Now, I haven’t actually started it, I ordered it and first they sent the workbook and then I had to order the book. I was looking at the inside cover and couldn’t help but want to share with you what you may be hearing over the next few weeks. The book is based on one of my favorite stories in the Bible that I use often in my journaling. The night that Peter walked on water (Matthew 14:25-32).

“Peter may have been the first one out of the boat but Jesus’ invitation to walk on water is for you as well. That’s where you’ll meet him: out where the sea is high and the footing impossible. As a follower of Jesus, you want to go where he calls you. But walk on water? What does that mean?
• walking on water mean facing your fears and choosing not to let fear have the last word
• walking on water means finding and embracing the unique calling of God on your life
• walking on water means experiencing the power of God in your life to do something you would not be capable of doing on your own
Expect a few waves to slap you in the face. Failure comes with the territory-but so does the strong hand of Jesus, pulling you up when the bottom drops out. And so do brilliant successes and rewards that far outweigh any of the risks.

We will encounter problems. But if we are willing to get out of the boat, two things will happen. First, if we fail-and we will fail sometimes-Jesus will be there to pick us up. We will not fail alone. We will find He is wholly adequate to save us. And second, every once in a while WE WILL WALK ON WATER.”

I think from the excerpt you can see why I am pretty excited about this Bible study. I can’t think of any greater circumstances than what we have been through the last 2 years that could test your faith. I am thankful for the things that I learned during the journey. Faith, first and foremost. Without faith that God is in control I wouldn’t be able to make it through each day. I think I am finding a unique calling that God has for me and I know that there is nothing that I can do without God. I rely on God just to get out of bed some days.

I will again thank you for all of your continued love and support!

Longing to walk on water
Tina

A special Happy Birthday to Taylor Loftin, a special little girl who has asked for money for St Jude instead of gifts.

Friday, June 17, 2005 9:11 PM CDT

To be a star,
You must shine
Your own light,
Follow your own path,
And don't worry
About the darkness,
For that is when stars
Shine Brightest!

~Author unknown~

I borrowed this from Emma Grace’s guestbook. I loved it!

This will be short and sweet as not much to report. I am still putting one foot in front of the other one step at a time. I had some great quiet time at the angel garden this afternoon.

I want to share something you all will find amusing. After we got back from Memphis we got TIVO for our TV. Truth be known I wanted it so I wouldn’t miss any NASCAR races. Well, for those of you who don’t know how this works you can program it to record certain programs every time they come on or individually. Well, TIVO also determines shows that you might like and will record them as well. I was going through the list one day after we got it and TIVO had recorded bull riding. For those of you who knew Stanton you know he was a true cowboy at heart and even asked for a bull for Christmas. To this day every bull riding that comes on TV TIVO automatically records and Jeff and I have not even watched bull riding since we got home much less recorded it. Today when I looked at the list there was a show about family and the main topic was dealing with the sudden loss of a loved one especially a child. Okay, does anybody else think Stanton is trying to let me know that he is right here with me.

I haven’t gotten many Stanton memory stories and I would love to put together a book for me to keep so please share those with me.

I want to go on and get the prayers started for Jake www.caringbridge.org/la/jakeowen. He will be going to Memphis on Monday for a PET scan and lab work. Please pray for clean scans and a normal AFP (tumor marker) number.

Looking Up
Tina

Thursday, June 16, 2005 8:34 PM CDT

Wow!! 16 years, that is how long I have been married to my very best friend. Yes, today is our 16th anniversary. I have so many feelings I want to share I am not even sure where to begin. I remember the day like it was yesterday, yes Michelle even you running over the curb. When we committed ourselves to each other for better or worse we could have never imagined what God had in store for us. I guess you could say we have beaten a lot of odds and proven a lot of people wrong. You see, we were never expected to be married this long. But, in spite of everything we were in love and truly best friends and we had tremendous support from my mom and dad and Jeff’s dad and Debbie. I am not going to say it would not have been possible without this support but it would have been much more difficult.

I am not going to say that things have been easy, even from the start we had a rough go at it. I look back now and have to laugh. We lived off of very little money yet we were happy. We knew that there were better things to come and it never failed in a moment of dire need God would provide. My mom would often comment how God took care of us exactly when we needed it the most (his perfect timing right?).

Life moved on and so did we, after several years and many dollars God blessed us with Stanton. It seemed like after he was born things were complete. We had 2 beautiful children, a roof over our heads, 2 great jobs, great family, taught Sunday School, I think you get the picture. I don’t have to tell you what happened next. Our perfect world was sent spiraling.

I honestly cannot tell you how much Jeff has meant to me over the last 2 ½ years especially. He was always strong when I needed it the most. When his baby got sick, he stopped everything and was willing to do whatever it took to make Stanton better. I saw many mothers having to do the “St. Jude thing” by themselves. I could not even begin to imagine how hard that must have been. Granted, living together 24 hours a day seven days a weeks has it’s moments but I wouldn’t have traded them for the world.

Then the unimaginable happened. Our baby was gone and we were left to pick up the pieces. We were told when Stanton first got sick that “when a child is sick like this, it will make or break a marriage usually the later”. We refused to let Satan in and this journey has made us much closer than ever before.

I guess I say all of this to get to the point. Jeff-I love you more than you can ever know. You are my very best friend and I am so blessed to have you in my life. You are an incredible husband. I could go into all kinds of details of things you have done for me that prove your unconditional love but I will spare everyone. You are an amazing father. I am so lucky that my children have such an incredible Christian role model. Hayden can look to you for guidance and see God’s love. I am certain Stanton is smiling down telling everyone how proud he is of you. Thank you for the last 16 years. I look forward to all of the years to come!

I also want to say Happy Birthday to a very special person in our life, Bill. Thanks for being such a great friend. We love you!

I guess that is enough of you hearing all of my feelings for one day.

Blessed
Tina

Wednesday, June 15, 2005 9:10 PM CDT

So, nothing big to report today. Same old same old. I seem to be getting back into the swing of things at work again. I enjoyed lunch with Lori, Paul and Don.

Before I go any farther I want to remind you to continue praying for baby Jake. He is out of the hospital waiting for scans and more chemo. His tumor markers went up again this week. This little boy like so many has endured so very much and he keeps on smiling. His family is one that we call our own and has endured great heartache because of our friendships. I like to think they wouldn’t trade them for anything (I actually know they wouldn’t) but I know supporting Trish and I has been tough and they have been there for us both.

Okay, for my lecture for the night. I have heard of so many of the children who get sick and then especially as they are a little older than Stanton other parents start to distance their children from these sick kids. Part of me understands wanting to protect your child from heart break but the other part gets very angry every time I hear of this. We were so blessed that instead of people sheltering their children from Stanton and his disease they embraced him from the very young to the senior adults. They knew the risks and they opened their hearts anyway. They allowed their children to know and love Stanton. I know many were taught to pray and to grieve because of Stanton. I know many parents had lots of questions to answer but they did it because they loved Stanton. Some of my greatest memories were watching Mary Claire when she would come to Memphis to visit. When she walked in the doors, she was just like every kid there, just a kid. She didn’t see the differences or if she did it did not stop her from playing and calling them her friends. I know Jamie would have loved to have never had to explain death, heaven, a cemetery, etc. to a 5 year old but she didn’t shelter her, she let her make friends, she let her love Stanton like a brother. She then came along and is picking up the pieces, helping Mary Claire to understand while trying to understand herself. I use Mary Claire as an example but I know there are many children in Minden who have learned a lot of life’s hard lessons because their parents were not afraid to let them love Stanton. For all of you, I thank you from the very bottom of my heart. Nothing touches me more than to hear one of Stanton’s friends talk about him or him being in heaven. It reassures me that they understand the process. I say all of this and want to put a poem that is in our guestbook.

HEAVEN

Heaven is full of wonderful things
Best friends and angel wings
Where you sleep on clouds of fluff
In Heaven you will always be tough.

When trumpets start ringing
The angels start singing.

Where you walk down streets of gold
Your family has memories that they hold.

There will never be a tear drop that falls
As You walk down the golden halls.

Stanton and Emma Grace will always be friends,
Even when this world we know ends.

Written by Taylor Loftin, Age 11

Taylor is one of these amazing children. Her mom, Karla (Dr. Phillips sister), has done an incredible job of teaching her children the meaning of unconditional love. Her 3 girls embraced Stanton and Emma Grace as if they were part of their family. Taylor has actually asked for no birthday presents this year, she wants donations to St. Jude. Thank you Karla for sharing your heart as well as your family. We love you all.

I seemed to ramble a bit tonight, sorry!!!!!!

Missing Stanton SOOOOOOO Much
Tina

Tuesday, June 14, 2005 8:25 PM CDT

Good evening everyone! Today was a pretty uneventful day for a change. I actually did exactly what the doctor said and worked a few hours and then came home and rested and rest I did. I am not sure how long I slept but I must have needed it.

Jeff called me at work today and told me to go to the St. Jude website. I knew that Stanton’s story was going to run but wasn’t sure when. So, if you go to www.stjude.org you will see my angel baby on the front page with Michael Waltrip. The story is incredible, I think you will enjoy it.

As you can imagine my quiet time with God lately has been full of emotion. God knows how we feel so no need to hide feelings from him. I have gone from book to book, from verse to verse looking for something that just jumped out at me to share with you. And guess what, of all nights last night it came in the form of a Bedside Blessing.

Psalm 73:26

My flesh and my heart may fail, but God is the strength of my heart.

“Life and pain are synonymous. You cannot have one without the other. Pain is a fact of life in this fallen world, and we cannot escape it. In fact, the goal in life is not to get away from the pain of it, but to endure through it, in fact triumph over it, while learning the lessons only pain can teach us.

As someone put it, ‘Pain is inevitable. Misery is optional’. Since we cannot get free of pain, the secret of successful living is finding ways to live above the level of misery.”

Nothing like setting my mind in motion as I am going to bed. Pain, I guess you could say I have had my share over the last 2 years but not going back that far and just going back 4 months ago I can say that I have experienced pain like no other. I guess I would say I am still in the stage of enduring the pain, not yet triumphing but all the while learning many lessons. I guess there are so many days I am still trying to live above the misery. I will say that there are many days that would qualify as miserable. Unfortunately those still out number the good.

Once again, thank you for listening to me and allowing me to share my heart.

Enduring
Tina

Monday, June 13, 2005 8:36 PM CDT

Very hard day! I guess that would describe my day. I don't think I have to explain why. Sometimes it is just hard to be one place when your heart is somewhere else.

As I was talking to Trish on my way home I don't even remember what we were talking about but the conversation ended with us saying "you know God is good". As I walked into the doctors office after hanging up I thought okay, how strange did that sound. 2 moms having "promoted their babies to heaven" (4 months ago to be exact for me) talking about how good God is. I guess if there is one lesson to be learned this would be the one most important. God is good!

I know this is short but I'm pretty beat so I want to leave you with the lyrics to a song that came on the radio this morning as I was just about to have major meltdown. It is by Natalie Grant.

Sittin' in my room staring at the wall
Wonderin' about the meaning of it all
Why is it this thing called life
Has got me goin' crazy
So I open up your word and let it speak to me
The purpose and the plan that you've designed
Is clear to see, and I believe
(Chorus)
I'm gonna live for today
I'm gonna follow in your way
I'm gonna let my little light shine
Like there's no tomorrow
I won't worry about the past
I know my future is intact
So I'll choose to live my life one way
I'm gonna live it for today
You told me not to worry
About what lies ahead
So I am gonna focus on today instead
Making every moment count and counting
Every single blessing
I'm gonna set my mind on the
Here and the Now
This is what I want my life to be about
And this is How...

This stopped the complete meltdown and at least made me make a conscious effort to let my light shine today.

Dull but Shining
Tina

Sunday, June 12, 2005 9:09 PM CDT

My guess is that this will not be a short entry so I am just preparing you. I really can’t put into words the emotions of the weekend. There was sorrow, joy, laughter and tears. Leaving today would have to be listed on my “hardest things I’ve ever done list”. Once again, I just can’t tell you the bond that we share with this family. We decided to leave when Trish and Barney left for church. I hated to miss going to church with them but I was pretty much maxed out physically.

Last night we had a big slumber party as Chris, Drew, Grandma, Christal and Kylie decided not to drive back to Memphis. It was some great St. Jude family bonding but also another very hard goodbye. Chris has been there for us so much the last year and we just love Christal. After spending quality time with Drew, Grandma and Kylie we decided they were just part of the family. This morning was one of those memories that will never be forgotten. Trish sat down at the piano and we all sat and stood around her and sang two of her favorite hymns.

Now for a story you all will love. I don’t remember if I mentioned that Thursday night when Eli got in the shower he said he had no hot water. We all just kind of stopped because the day of Stanton’s visitation our hot water heater went out and had to be replaced. Luckily their problem was an easy fix. Well, on the day of Stanton’s funeral the hotel called and told Barney that they had a flat on their truck. They took it and got it aired up and looked at and until this day it has not had to have air added. So after the hot water incident I joked “I guess I will have a flat tomorrow”. Well I was a few days early. This morning they noticed my back tire was little low. Barney and Jeff went and aired it up and all was well. We stopped about 50 miles from their house and bought some fix a flat just in case but the tire looked fine. About 120 miles later it was not fine and flat. Do you know how hard it is to find someone to fix a tire on Sunday? Well, it is very hard and even harder when you have a size tire that is not usually stocked so we drove home on the spare. We are home safe and sound.

Now where to start. Trish-there are no words. This is one journey I had hoped we would never have to walk through together. I could never thank God enough for our paths crossing and for the friendship that developed. You will forever be my sister and I love you so much. I am here for you as I know the hardest days are yet to come, I don’t have the answers but we can cry through them together. One thing I am sure of is that we were blessed with incredible children for even a short time and I know that they are in heaven having a BLAST!!! Just so you know I am a better person having known you. Thank you for asking us to stay with you. I don’t know if you know how much I needed to be there.

Barney-thank you as well for welcoming us into your home. I wish I had something that could help take your pain away but I haven’t gotten to that part of the process yet. Just know that I love you and will be here whenever you need me.

To all of you in NW Arkansas who comforted us as well as the Hampton’s, thank you. We feel like we are a part of your community just by knowing Emma Grace.

If you haven’t seen the guestbook entries, there was a beautiful rainbow over Memphis last night as well as what I hear was one of the most beautiful sunsets ever seen. Don’t you know our angels are having a time in heaven.

Good job today Michael. We are watching the race now but know how it ends. I can’t wait to get to come watch you race again!

Cradled in His arms
Tina

Saturday, June 11, 2005 7:48 PM CDT

I know all of you are looking for an update on how today went. If perfection is what Trish and Barney were trying to accomplish as this last task for Emma Grace then it was a job well done. The Celebration service was incredible. Of course, I wish I could say I was the HUGE support for Trish but let's just say I am here.

There was a point that one of the pastors talked about today and I wanted to share it all with you. During a difficult time such as the loss of child our first instinct seems to be to question God. Why? Why the short life? Why the suffering? Why? Why? Why/ He pointed out that we shouldn't be asking why, maybe we should be asking what? What do you want me to do with this God? What is my next step? What can I do to bring glory to You even through the pain? You and I all know that this is something Trish and Barney have done and will continue to hold on to. I am sure they as well as me will continue to use the journies of 2 incredible children to spread God's Word.

I want to close with a quote that was on the program today and it fit Emma Grace so approriately for so many people..

"If I could reach and hold a star for everytime you made me smile, the entire evening sky would be in the palm of my hand"

Emma Grace: You have taught me so much about life and living it to the fullest. I am a better person because you were a part of my life. You will forever hold a piece of my heart. Give Stanton a kiss for me and I love you both to heaven and back!

Once again Broken but not Defeated
Tina

For any of my NASCAR fans you will remember that Michael won his race the day of Stanton's funeral. Well, today he got the pole in the race for tomorrow (he qualified first). Must be nice to have 2 angels riding with you. Good luck tomorrow Michael!!!!

Friday, June 10, 2005 11:45 PM CDT

As you can tell by the time it has been a very long day. That is just in hours, I can't even put into time the emotional day it has been. I just wanted to take a minute to let everyone know that first of all I am feeling much better today. I don't know what God was trying to get across yesterday but I could have done without it.

The visitation tonight was wonderful. As I expected there was a big crowd. Emms Grace looked beautiful. I wish I could say I was being a big support to Trish but she is hanging in there and I am the basket case. I think it is a double whammy because the feeling of losing Stanton is still too fresh.

They played a slide show during the visitation and I just cried through the whole thing. When it was all said and done and we all said our goodbyes, there was a moment that I will never ever forget. Me, Trish, Christal and Nancy were all standing in front of Emma Grace. When I couldn't take it anymore I just said "family hug" and there in front on everyone stood 4 very brokenhearted women. But family is one word I can use us to describe our St. Jude friends. As I watched Trish and Barney say their goodbyes the rush of emotion came over me that I wss expecting because this was the hardest part for me, leaving Stanton alone at the funeral home. I know, he is not there but I just felt like I was abandoning him.

Once again, I know God has his hands full and I know He will carry us through as He has so many times before. This a promise that I rely on daily.

Fully Relying on Him
Tina

Thursday, June 9, 2005 10:02 PM CDT

Well, after a very eventful morning we are now safe in sound in Northwest Arkansas.

I started a new antibiotic yesterday and this morning I felt horrible. I blamed it on the medicine until it really hit and I knew it was a stomach bug. When Jeff got home I was sound asleep, had not packed, nor run any of my errands.

Once again he pulled through for me (I think he could tell how bad I felt). I laid there and he packed what I told him to. I hope I remembered everything. I then found a medicine that would put me to sleep for most of the trip which was a lifesaver. When we got here I thought I was better until we had been here about 30 minutes.

Please pray for extra strength for Trish, Barney and Eli as I know this weekend is going to be a VERY difficult one. I don't want to be selfish but please pray that whatever is going on with my stomach STOPS!!

Thank you for you continued love and support!

Being Carried this weekend
Tina

Wednesday, June 8, 2005 8:57 PM CDT

I will apologize now for no long journal tonight. My mind is full, racing and just ready to see Trish.

Today has really been no easier and I know it will get harder as the weekend goes on but I need to be with Trish and Barney. I know that I could not have made it through Stanton's Celebration Service without her right there holding my hand. I can only hope to offer her a piece of that comfort while all the while we will both be huddled in God's lap. How incredible that he can and will let us do that.

Please pray for safe travels and my physical strength.

Thinking God has His hands full
Tina

Tuesday, June 7, 2005 9:29 PM CDT

Isaiah 41:10

I will strengthen you, surely I wil help you, surely I will uphold you with my righteous hand.

"God has some extremely exciting things in mind for His children. For soe it may happen next month or next year or five years down the road. We don't know when. For some it could happen today. But the beautiful thing about this adventure called faith is that we can count on Him to never lead us astray. He knows exactly where He's taking us. Our job is to obey."

I guess you could say that I am still walking around in a fog. I am trying to go on with my everyday life but my heart is with Trish and just plain broken. It is like reliving Stanton's death all over.

The above was my bedside blessing for tonight. Think I needed a reminder. I know God has all of this under control and He is never surprised but it still makes it very difficult for us who still live on this earth to understand. I do know that Trish and Barney taught me so much about just obeying God. They continue to amaze me and I can't wait to see them.

I cannot tell you what all of the words of encouragement and support and prayers mean. It amazes me how all of you seem to know me so well. I wish I could meet you all personally.

One Step in Front of the Other
Tina

Monday, June 6, 2005 9:28 PM CDT

Well, there is nothing about this update that will be easy. Things were going along rather smoothly, I had even managed to go into work for a few hours, then I received a phone call. My life since then has been in slow motion. The emotions are so raw and so real. If you don’t know us you could never understand the bond that we have with the Hampton’s. To hear Emma Grace had earned her angel wings just ripped another HUGE hole in my heart.

As I talked to Trish, the memories were so vivid, so real. I just hate I wasn’t in Memphis but God knows exactly what Trish needs and when so I will look to him for those answers.

Of course I will share a story. On the day that Stanton passed away as we were driving home we saw a beautiful rainbow. Stanton LOVED rainbows and it was like he was telling us he was okay. Well this evening my sister called and said “go outside and see what heaven is like tonight”. We actually had to get in the car and drive but once we saw it, it was a beautiful rainbow. Coincidence? Not a chance. I just blew a kiss to heaven and told Stanton and Emma Grace that we loved them.

I am sorry I have no great devotional or words of wisdom but believe it or not I am at a loss for words.

Emma Grace-I love you all the way to heaven and back! You will always be my precious girl! You and Stanton have fun like you have never had before.

Trying to Understand
Tina

Sunday, June 5, 2005 6:54 PM CDT

Update: June 6 5:00 I don't even know if I can type this again. My precious Emma Grace earned her angel wings about an hour ago. I HATE this disease!!!!

Okay, this is going to be short and sweet. I am tired and still have a report to finish for work. I had decided last night that I would get up and try to make it to Sunday School this morning. I had good intentions but my brain is not functioning as well as it used to and I was getting ready about an hour later than I should have been. Needless to say I felt STUPID when I realized that I would not be ready to go and had not even woken the guys up so I score one for good intentions.

My doctor showed Jeff today how to change my dressing so he will be doing this daily and I will only have to go to the doctor once or twice a week. I actually looked at the wound today and it looked terrible (to me the doctor says it looks great). I am really glad I have waited until now to look at it.

I am going to be trying to go back to work for a few hours this week so please say special prayers that I will not be hard headed and overdo it. I know me so I am going to take it day by day.

I wanted to share this email with you tonight. I actually had gotten this once before during out first stay in Memphis and it was so appropriate then as it is now.

THE BRICK

A young and successful executive was traveling down a neighborhood street,
going a bit too fast in his new Jaguar. He was watching for kids darting out
from between parked cars and slowed down when he thought he saw something.
As his car passed, no children appeared.

Instead, a brick smashed into the Jag's side door! He slammed on the brakes
and backed the Jag back to the spot where the brick had been thrown. The
angry driver then jumped out of the car, grabbed the nearest kid and pushed
him up against a parked car shouting, "What was that all about and who are
you? Just what are you doing? That's a new car and that brick you
threw is going to cost a lot of money. Why did you do it?"

The young boy was apologetic. "Please, mister...please, I'm sorry but I didn't know what else to do," He pleaded. "I! threw the brick because no one else
would stop..."!

With tears dripping down his face and off his chin, the youth pointed to a
spot just around a parked car. "It's my brother," he said. "He rolled off
the curb and fell out of his wheelchair and I can't lift him up."

Now sobbing, the boy asked the stunned executive, "Would you please help me
get him back into his wheelchair? He's hurt and he's too heavy for me."

Moved beyond words, the driver tried to swallow the rapidly swelling lump in
his throat. He hurriedly lifted the handicapped boy back into the wheelchair
then took out a linen handkerchief and dabbed at the fresh scrapes and cuts
A quick look told him everything was going to be okay.

"Thank you and may God bless you," the grateful child told the stranger. Too
shook up for words, the man simply watched the boy push his wheelchair-bound
brother down the sidewalk toward their home.

It was a long, slow walk back to the Jaguar. The damage was very noticeable,
but the driver never bothered to repair the dented side door. He kept the
dent there to remind him of this message:

"Don't go through life so fast that someone has to throw a brick at you to
get your attention!" God whispers in our souls and speaks to our hearts.
Sometimes when we don't have time to listen, He has to throw a brick at us.
It's our choice to listen or not.

The first time I got this I decided that God had thrown a boulder at me. Now there are days I just feel like He has taken a 2x4 to me. As usual I encourage you to not wait on the bricks. The whispers are much easier to handle.

I couldn’t end this without saying thank you so much for all of you who have sent me “Stanton Stories”. This is a project that I can’t wait to start working on so please if you have a story email me so I can put it in this very special book.

Listening for the whispers
Tina

Saturday, June 4, 2005 10:42 AM CDT

I am so sorry for the lack of update last night. We actually got to spend the evening at a friends house celebrating her birthday and it was late when we got in. Thank you Ricky and Jodi for inviting us we had a great time. I won’t even begin to try to list everyone else that was there, but it was great getting to spend time with you all.

My doctor’s visit yesterday went very well. He was pleased with the healing process so far so he changed the way they are dressing the wound. I will still go everyday to get this changed but I am on the mend. He even approved for me to go back to work for a few days next week (remember I had told him I could go back after 2 weeks). He reminded me that as usual he was right and it had now been 4 weeks. I still long for the days that I can feel good.

Thank you all so much for sending me your special memories of Stanton. I have LOVED reading everyone. I also decided that I would love to get as many memories that people have of him so that I can put them in a book or something creative. I have so many memories but it is those that you all saw and remembered that will be so special. Thank you in advance for helping me with this project.

Jeff actually got this email that I had seen before but I will share the story of why it touched me so when he sent it. There was a little girl at the RMH that loved to talk and she would say “Jesus lives in my heart”. This little girl was a little older than Stanton but not much. After being around her for a while you could ask Stanton “Who lives in your heart?” and he would reply “Jesus”. Now I truly think God gives these kids wisdom beyond all of our understanding about God, Jesus, Heaven, etc. We saw it lived out so many days but you can’t imagine how proud we were to hear Stanton say this or to hear Stanton tell one of his favorite bible stories. It was an incredible feeling. So, I guess what I am trying to get across to you is that it is never to early to teach your children about God. Never to early to read to them from the Bible. You will be surprised what they pick up on. So before I share the email I will share a very special memory of Stanton. For Christmas last year I had decided to get him a Bible that we could read from and he might would understand better. So, I got a Max Lucado Hermie and Friends Bible. When Stanton opened this he was not happy to say the least and he said that it was not a Bible. He ended up getting 2 more Bibles, one of them being a Precious Moments Bible that was a “real” Bible. When he got to this Bible he brought it over to me and said “Now this is the Bible I wanted”. He proceeded to have us all sit on the bed at the RMH while he got his bible went and sat in a chair and opened it up. I was sitting there beaming because I just knew we were going to get to hear one of Stanton’s version of one of his favorite Bible stories (and I could never get enough of these). As we sat in suspense he started reading “Once upon a time there were 3 little pigs”. Needless to say we were laughing so hard we did not hear the end to the story. Boy, that feels like yesterday. Now for the email:

"Tomorrow morning," the surgeon began,

"I'll open up your heart..."
"You'll find Jesus there," the boy
interrupted.
The surgeon looked up, annoyed "I'll
cut your heart open," he continued,
to see how much damage has been
done..."
"But when you open up my heart, you'll
find Jesus in there," said the boy.
The surgeon looked to the parents, who
Sat quietly. "When I see how much
damage has been done, I'll sew your
heart and chest back up, and I'll plan
what to do next."
"But you'll find Jesus in my heart. The
Bible says He lives there. The
hymns all say He lives there. You'll
find Him in my heart."
The surgeon had had enough. "I'll tell
you what I'll find in your heart.
I'll find damaged muscle, low blood
supply, and weakened vessels.
And I'll find out if I can make you well."
"You'll find Jesus there too. He lives
there."
The surgeon left.
The surgeon sat in his office, recording his
notes from the surgery, "...damaged aorta, damaged
pulmonary vein, widespread muscle degeneration.
No hope for transplant, no hope for cure. Therapy:
painkillers and bed rest. Prognosis:, "
here he paused, "death within one year."
He stopped the recorder, but there was
more to be said. "Why?" he asked aloud.
"Why did You do this? You've put
him here; You've put him in this pain; and
You've cursed him to an early death. Why?"
The Lord answered and said, "The boy,
My lamb, was not meant for your
flock for long, for he is a part of My
flock, and will forever be.
Here, in My flock, he will feel no pain, and
will be comforted as you cannot imagine.
His parents will one day join him here,
and they will know peace, and
My flock will continue to grow."
The surgeon's tears were hot, but his
anger was hotter. "You created that
boy, and You created that heart. He'll
be dead in months. Why?"
The Lord answered, "The boy, My lamb,
shall return to My flock, for He has
Done his duty: I did not put My lamb
with your flock to lose him, but to retrieve
another
lost lamb."
The surgeon wept. The surgeon sat
beside the boy's bed; the boy's
parents sat across from him. The boy awoke and
whispered, "Did you cut open my heart?"
"Yes," said the surgeon.
"What did you find?" asked the boy.
"I found Jesus there," said the
surgeon.

As I read this I can’t help but think of all of the “lost lambs” Stanton found and led back to the flock. I will NEVER completely understand why Stanton had to leave this earth so early but I fully believe that he did exactly what God put him here on this earth to do and did an incredible job. I also know that one day we will join him in his Heavenly home and what a day that will be!

Thank you all for listening to me ramble this morning.

Proud parent of one of God’s special lambs
Tina

Thursday, June 2, 2005 8:31 PM CDT

I am sitting here feeling pretty old while watching a show on TV talking about music “blasts from the past” and I remember the songs from high school. I am not old enough to have “blasts from the past”. Although in my 32 years I have walked in the shoes that many don’t walk in a lifetime.

My visit to the doctor today went well, they actually identified the bacteria and confirmed that the antibiotic I was taking should have worked. The nurse commented on how much better it looked. We will see tomorrow how much longer I have to go everyday, I hope not much longer but she seemed to think at least another week.

I know I have had many journals that were really down over the past weeks and to be honest that is really how I have felt. There were some days I felt so alone. There were days I missed Stanton so much I didn’t know if my heart could take it anymore. There were days God and I had some discussions and a lot of the time I did ALL of the talking. As much as I have hated being stuck here by myself I have to say that once again I think it was God sending me a message in the most drastic of ways (you would think I would learn to not be so hard headed). After Stanton passed away I went back to work fairly early and stayed as busy while I was at home as possible. I will not say that I did not grieve because there were some very hard days, but I will say that I don’t think I grieved the way God wanted me too. I think I tried to be supermom and put up a good front. You and I both know that there are no fronts with God, He knew exactly what I was feeling. So this down time has forced me to deal with issues I haven’t dealt with until now. I know the grief process is still so very far from over but I know now that it is at least moving again.

I am in contact with other mothers who have lost children to neuroblastoma and it is really a good place for me but one mom described a situation she had with her family that really bothered me. I guess because it is not a situation I have been put in but I want to clarify with everyone that knows me. Basically this family left Angel Molly out of the monthly birthday celebration and the grandmother actually said she only had 5 (not 6) grandchildren. First and foremost, I have 2 children. One just happens to live with God. I long for people to talk to me about him, there are so many good memories and I do not want those to be pushed aside. I want my nieces to grow up and remember Stanton and by all means I want my family to include him when asked questions about grandchildren or nephews. Don’t get me wrong, I in no way think any of my family would do this but I already feel like we talk about Stanton less and less and that hurts. I just wanted everyone to know so that they would not be afraid to mention him for fear of hurting me.

I talked to Barney this morning and things with Emma Grace were “stable” but I haven’t talked to them this evening. Please just continue to pray for this special family.

I read on Jake’s guestbook that they have identified the bacteria that caused the sepsis which gives them something to treat. He is still very nauseated which is the biggest concern at this point. He is still in ICU at LSU.

Once again, I am going to use an email I got for tonight’s devotion:
I asked God to take away my habit.
God said, No.
It is not for me to take away, but for you to give it up.

I asked God to make my handicapped child whole.
God said, No.
His spirit is whole, his body is only temporary

I asked God to grant me patience.
God said, No.
Patience is a byproduct of tribulations;
it isn't granted, it is learned.

I asked God to give me happiness.
God said, No.
I give you blessings; Happiness is up to you.

I asked God to spare me pain.
God said, No.
Suffering draws you apart from worldly cares
and brings you closer to me.

I asked God to make my spirit grow.
God said, No.
You must grow on your own! ,
but I will prune you to make you fruitful.

I asked God for all things that I might enjoy life.
God said, No.
I will give you life, so that you may enjoy all things.

I asked God to help me LOVE others, as much as He loves me.
God said...Ahhhh, finally you have the idea.

I love this! We so often pray for things that we want and don’t’ see the answers that God provides because they weren’t what we were looking for.

Loving all of you
Tina

Wednesday, June 1, 2005 9:16 PM CDT

Good Evening to all! I had a pretty eventful day compared to most. First of all I got to go to the doctor and have my dressing changed as I will have to do every day. Fun Fun!! Then when I got home it was almost time to take Hayden to work. Okay, so I wasn’t already emotional enough, I dropped him off and realized that he is growing up right before my eyes. There are so many days I just want to turn back time.

This afternoon, Lori from work came and got my computer fixed so I could get a month end report done. I actually looked forward to this, not just because I missed Lori so much but it will give me something to keep me busy.

Tonight it was cool outside so I went and watched Dakota play baseball. He got a hit and caught a ball so I was pleased.

Many of you have said you can’t get the guestbook to open. Don taught me a trick, after you click on guestbook and it starts to open, click on the stop button on your toolbar. This will open the last few entries and enable you to leave a message without waiting on the whole guestbook to open.

I couldn’t write tonight’s journal without saying thank you to a very special person. She knows who she is and I won’t mention her name, but I got the NEATEST present in the mail today. It is a framed poem titled “The Perfect Friend” and in the frame is a picture of Stanton, Emma Grace and then one with Trish and I together. The poem is perfect for not the kids or Trish and I, but our families as a whole. I love it and will treasure it forever. No, this was not from Trish, she got one as well.

I also need to ask for continued prayers for Jake who is still in ICU as well as Emma Grace. They need the throne bombarded.

I don’t have a devotional tonight but do have a pretty neat email to share:

-----Years ago, I was enthralled as I listened to a minister who for several
years had faithfully served the church. His executive responsibilities had
taken him all over this country. As he concluded his message, he told of
one of the most frightening yet thought-provoking experiences of his life.
He had been on a long flight from one place to another. The first warning
of the approaching problems came when the sign on the airplane flashed on:
Fasten your seat belts. Then, after a while, a calm voice said, "We shall
not be serving the beverages at this time as we are expecting a little
turbulence. Please be sure your seat belt is fastened."

As he looked around the aircraft, it became obvious that many of the
passengers were becoming apprehensive. Later, the voice of the announcer
said, "We are so sorry that we are unable to serve the meal at this time.
The turbulence is still ahead of us."

And then the storm broke. The ominous cracks of thunder could be heard
even above the roar of the engines. Lightening lit up the darkening skies,
and within moments that great plane was like a cork tossed around on a
celestial ocean. One moment the airplane was lifted on terrific currents
of air; the next, it dropped as if it were about to crash. The minister
confessed that he shared the discomfort and fear of those around him. He
said, "As I looked around the plane, I could see that nearly all the
passengers were upset and alarmed. Some were praying. The future seemed
ominous and many were wondering if they would make it through the storm.

And then, I suddenly saw a little girl. Apparently the storm meant nothing
to her. She had tucked her feet beneath her as she sat on her seat; she
was reading a book and every thing within her small world was calm and
orderly. Sometimes she closed her eyes, then she would read again; then
she would straighten her legs, but worry and fear were not in her world.
When the plane was being buffeted by the terrible storm, when it lurched
this way and that, as it rose and fell with frightening severity, when all
the adults were scared half to death, that marvelous child was completely
composed and unafraid." The minister could hardly believe his eyes. It was
not surprising therefore, that when the plane finally reached its
destination and all the passengers were hurrying to disembark, our
minister lingered to speak to the girl whom he had watched for such a long
time. Having commented about the storm and behavior of the plane, he asked
why she had not been afraid.

The sweet child replied, "Sir, my Dad is the pilot, and he is taking me
home."

There are many kinds of storms that buffet us. Physical, mental,
financial, domestic, and many other storms can easily and quickly darken
our skies and throw our plane into apparently uncontrollable movement. We
have all known such times, and let us be honest and confess, it is much
easier to be at rest when our feet are on the ground than when we are
being tossed about a darkened sky.

Let us remember: Our Father is the Pilot. He is in control and taking us
home. Don't worry.

Loving my Pilot
Tina

I think I saw someone drive by the house today that is a very special person to me. You didn’t stop but I wanted you to know if you read this that I would love for you to stop by and visit some time, we have a lot of catching up to do.

Tuesday, May 31, 2005 6:23 PM CDT

Okay, this is going to be short and sweet. My visit with the doctor went pretty well this morning. He said it looked a little better but did have to do a small procedure to debride and then irrigate. It really sounds more painful than it was. I will have to see the nurse tomorrow and probably every day this week to get the dressing changed. I am just so ready to be WELL!!! I want to feel good.

I had my emotional meltdown early this morning which prompted a trip to the angel garden before going to the doctor. Someone had placed to little American flags at Stanton’s grave. This was such a sweet gesture and I want to say thank you to whoever not only took the time to visit our baby but to leave such a special gift.

As you have read, Jake is in ICU in Shreveport trying to get everything stabilized. I know Nurse Cheryl and Dr. Jeroudi will take excellent care of him. Please stop by and let them know you are praying for them. They have been a HUGE support system for us. www.caringbridge.org/la/jakeowen

I want to close with a poem that I saw on another angel website:

I Remember”

I remember the day I gave birth to you
I remember the sweetness of a child so new

I remember our love and “special” talk
I remember your smile, your scent, your walk

I remember the days of watching you grow
I remember when I taught you to tie a bow

I remember all of the things that you held dear
Yes I remember those things so very clear

I try to remember why I had to set you free
But this one thing is so hard for me

Because deep within a Mother’s heart
Is a piece of her child with which she can’t part

I love you, I miss you, and I promise you this
Some day my sweet child we’ll again share a kiss.

These memories are oh so real and there are days when I can just feel Stanton’s presence. I MISS HIM SOOOOOOOOO MUCH!!!! He definitely took a HUGE part of my heart with him that will never be replaced.

Stanton-I love you all the way to heaven and back! I miss you so much and would do anything for one more kiss and I long for the day when I will get that kiss. Until then the memories will just have to do and they will be there forever!

Remembering
Tina

Monday, May 30, 2005 8:18 PM CDT

UPDATE TUESDAY MAY 31: All call to all prayer warriors. It seems as if Baby Jake is having some difficulties. I am currently trying to get someone on the phone but I need everyone to start praying. You can visit his site at www.caringbridge.org/la/jakeowen.

Happy Memorial Day to all! Thank you to all of our men and women serving our country so that we may live in a free world. Thinking of all of the families who have family members that have sacrificed their lives for this freedom.

We had a very uneventful day. I had a couple of meltdown moments, but I am just ready to feel better. Jeff and I did nothing but of course our socialite son had plans. He is at a friends house eating crawfish. His friends have been the best throughout this whole journey. You guys and girls are the best!

What I did get a chance to do was finish my book and what a book it was. I highly recommend it for anyone going through a rough circumstance. This book reminds you that although there are times when we feel like God is so far away, He is really right there with you. You just have to keep your eyes and ears open, and remember that the answers might not come in the way you are expecting.

I know that through our journey there have been many valleys, but I will not forget the mountaintops nor the memories made in the valleys. I do believe that the journey although rough has enriched my character. I almost said built my character but I know I had the foundation it just needed a little polishing. I think when you are faced with a tough situation it can make or break your character. I would like to think my journey has made my character or at least pushed it in the right direction.

There is a chapter called “Rules of the Lighthouse” and at the end of the chapter Max lists the “lights” in life that he looks for:

1. Love God more than you fear hell
2. Once a week, let a child take you on a walk (I promise your perspective will change).
3. Make major decisions in a cemetery (I don’t make my decisions in the cemetery but I know it is one of the most peaceful places that I can go these days).
4. When no one is watching, live as if someone is.
5. Succeed at home first (If you succeed somewhere else exactly what have you accomplished?).
6. Don’t spend tomorrow’s money today.
7. Pray twice as much as you fret.
8. Only harbor a grudge when God does.
9. Never outgrow your love of sunsets.
10. Treat people like angels; you will meet some and help make some.
11. Tis wiser to err on the side of generosity than on the side of scrutiny.
12. God has forgiven you; you’d be wise to do the same.
13. When you can’t trace God’s hand, trust His heart.
14. Toot your own horn and the notes will be flat.
15. Don’t feel guilty for God’s goodness.
16. The book of life is lived in chapters, so know your page number.
17. Never let the important be the victim of trivial.

“To sum it all up: Approach life like a voyage on a schooner. Enjoy the view. Explore the vessel. Make friends with the captain. Fish a little. And get off when you get home.”

Please continue to keep the prayers coming for Trish, Barney and Emma Grace. Trish has begun her shots and is experiencing a lot of pain. I know she won’t complain because of everything our kids go through but she deserves to complain a little.

Can’t wait til I can fish again
Tina

A little heads up-if for some reason I don't get to update early tomorrow there will not be an update. Caringbridge is going to be down for a couple of hours tomorrow night.

Sunday, May 29, 2005 8:13 PM CDT

It has been a rainy, dreary day here. I should have expected it. Every time my sister goes camping it rains. So, I have done very little today except lay around, watch NASCAR and read. I did get up and go to Jeff’s grandmothers for Sunday lunch. It did me some good to get to see real people. I really wanted to try to go to church this morning but Jeff put a halt to that. My incision is REALLY draining so he has become “mother hen”. I wouldn’t have it any other way though, he takes care of me when I might try to push too hard. I know this whole surgery thing has not been easy on him either.

I have been reading “In the Eye of the Storm” by Max Lucado. I highly recommend it and I am only half way through. I wanted to share from the chapter entitled “Doubtstorms”. I knew from the title it would be a chapter I would get a lot from. Max describes a doubtstorm as something that rolls into your life bringing with it a flurry of questions and gale-force winds of fear. Soon after this storm will come a light.

He says that there are those people who don’t have doubtstorms and how blessed they must be. I unfortunately am not one of these people. I often wonder, have many questions. Once again the reference is the disciples in the boat in the storm. They definitely had lots of questions. Their question: “What hope do we have of surviving this stormy night?” My question: “Where is God when my world is stormy?”

Doubtstorms: turbulent days when the enemy is too big, the task is too great, the future too bleak, and the answers too few.

There have been many days when the storms have been so bad I just look to God and say “Okay, a little light please!” After listening to this next paragraph I learned that the light has been there all along, I just may not have seen it.

When God came to the disciples walking on water, this was not what the disciples expected. They thought he was a ghost. Since Jesus did not come in the way that they were expecting they almost missed seeing the answer to their prayers.

Boy oh boy did that hit home. If we don’t look and listen closely, we risk making this same mistake. “God’s lights in our dark nights are as numerous as the stars, if we only look for them.”

Max goes on to share several examples of lights in his world in places that he would least expect them, a businessman choosing honesty, a hospital choosing compassion, a celebrity choosing kindness. I thought these were cool because a couple of the examples we have very similar stories. Stanton was a patient at St. Jude Children’s Research Hospital. As most of you know, we were never asked to pay a dime for Stanton’s treatment and it was state of the art cutting edge treatment. Our doctor was incredible in how he treated us and took Stanton’s illness so personally. The same with his Nurse practitioner, she loved him like one of her own. I could go on and on about the staff at the hospital, but they remain a light in our dark world. The other story about celebrities we could relate to as well. We watched Michael Waltrip walk into the hospital for the first time without a news camera in site. He wanted it to be just he and the kids. He took it all too heart and it was very obvious. It was that day that a bond was formed with he and Stanton that would last forever. Once again, another light in our dark world. And how could I even mention business without mentioning Domino’s Pizza. There partnership with St. Jude’s is what made all of the race car memories possible. Talk about a company with a heart and the employees to back it up, what a light!

We must be careful, if we look for the bonfire we might miss the candle or if we listen for the shout, we might miss the whisper. It is in the burnished candles that God comes, and through whispered promises he speaks: “When you doubt, look around I am closer than you think.”

I hate to admit that I have had doubts. I think I would not be human if I didn’t with the journey I have been on. What I love to admit is that I know I love and serve a God who has all of the answers. He never promised me the road would be easy but there is something he promised me: The end of the road would be worth whatever the journey had in store. I am promised that although I will never hold Stanton again on this earth but will again in heaven for eternity. What a day that will be!!!

Looking for the Light
Tina

I am finishing this as I am watching the race and I am going to be nice. Michael-you were having a great race. I hate your teammate didn’t like the idea of that. I hope you are okay as it looked like you hit the wall pretty good. I am sure your little angel isn’t happy with the “red race car driver”. You’ll always be the best in our books!

Saturday, May 28, 2005 8:40 PM CDT

Okay, so I did over do it last night and have paid for it today. I am so ready to feel better! So, I have spent the day on the couch resting trying not to hurt which as you all know does me no good emotionally.

I am getting to watch Nascar which is in North Carolina, which if you remember is where my love of Nascar began. More importantly than that it is where GREAT memories were made. We would never be able to thank Domino’s or Michael Waltrip and Buffy enough for the memories they helped us to make. I love to look at the pictures from that weekend. Stanton is smiling in every one of them.

There is a song that Natalie Grant sings and I want to share the lyrics with you. It is a beautiful song. It is called “Held”

Two months is too little.
They let him go.
They had no sudden healing.
To think that providence would
Take a child from his mother while she prays
Is appalling.

Who told us we’d be rescued?
What has changed and why should we be saved from nightmares?
We’re asking why this happens
To us who have died to live?
It’s unfair.

Chorus:
This is what it means to be held.
How it feels when the sacred is torn from your life
And you survive.
This is what it is to be loved.
And to know that the promise was
When everything fell we’d be held.

This hand is bitterness.
We want to taste it, let the hatred NUMB our sorrow.
The wise hands opens slowly to lilies of the valley and tomorrow.

(Chorus)
This is what it means to be held.
How it feels when the sacred is torn from your life
And you survive.
This is what it is to be loved.
And to know that the promise was
When everything fell we’d be held.

Bridge:
If hope is born of suffering.
If this is only the beginning.
Can we not wait for one hour watching for our Savior?

(Chorus)
This is what it means to be held.
How it feels when the sacred is torn from your life
And you survive.
This is what it is to be loved.
And to know that the promise was
When everything fell we’d be held.

You really have to hear this song!

Please don’t forget Emma Grace and family. Trish started her shots today getting ready to give Emma Grace more stem cells.

Thank you again for your continued support and prayers. You will never know how much they mean.

Being Held
Tina

Friday, May 27, 2005 10:39 PM CDT

Okay, so today I did not have to be home by myself, I got to enjoy the company of my oldest son. I sometimes forget how much fun he can be. I just wish sometimes he would just be a kid and not worry so much about me. But boy do I love him!!! The doctor says the infection is progressing, which is what it is supposed to be doing. What it is also doing is slowing down my recovery time which is not making me very happy but I don't get a say so.

Today is my sister-in-law's birthday so a bunch of us went out to eat. I might have pushed it a bit but we had a great time.

Thank you all for the support that I so desperatley needed in the guestbook and via e-mail. I even got a surprise visit from my favorite pediatrician in the entire world who brought me fresh flowers and a plaque with one of my favorite sayings. I hate you didn't get to come Karla but I know I will see you while she Elizabeth is gone next week.

The following is something that hung on one of the doors in Assessment/Triage at St. Jude's. I always wanted a copy but never took the time and then someone emailed it to me this week so I wanted to share:

HANDY LITTLE CHART - God has a positive answer:

YOU SAY
GOD SAYS
BIBLE VERSES

You say: "It's impossible"
God says: All things are possible
(Luke 18:27)

You say: "I'm too tired"
God says: I will give you rest
(Matthew 11:28-30)

You say: "Nobody really loves me"
God says: I love you
(John 3:16 & John 3:34 )

You say: "I can't go on"
God says: My grace is sufficient
(II Corinthians 12:9 & Psalm 91:15)

You say: "I can't figure things out"
God says: I will direct your steps
(Proverbs 3:5-6)

You say: "I can't do it"
God says: You can do all things
(Philippians 4:13)

You say: "I'm not able"
God says: I am able
(II Corinthians 9:8)

You say: "It's not worth it"
God says: It will be worth it
(Roman 8:28 )

You say: "I can't forgive myself"
God says: I Forgive you
(I John 1:9 & Romans 8:1)

You say: "I can't manage"
God says: I will supply all your needs
(Philippians 4:19)

You say: "I'm afraid"
God says: I have not given you a spirit of fear
(II Timothy 1:7)

You say: "I'm always worried and frustrated"
God says: Cast all your cares on ME
(I Peter 5:7)

You say: "I'm not smart enough"
God says: I give you wisdom
(I Corinthians 1:30)

You say: "I feel all alone"
God says: I will never leave you or forsake you
(Hebrews 13:5)

Still looking at one set of footprints
Tina

Thursday, May 26, 2005 8:10 PM CDT

I am going to preface this with the fact that this will probably be unlike my typical journal entries but one thing I promised you from the start is that this journal would be a place I would come be “me”. What you read is straight from my heart and where my heart is right now is broken!

I knew the extended downtime was not going to be good for me or maybe it was just what I needed. It was obviously time for me to face Stanton’s death head on. When you sit for hours a day by yourself you don’t have much choice. I spend many hours a day crying, in fact I don’t know how God is managing to hold and comfort me and catch all of my tears. I look at pictures of Stanton smiling so big and can’t believe that I will never hold him again on this earth. I see other children and in some ways get so jealous. I am headed to a place that I have tried so hard not to get to. I have looked at this time as maybe God telling me that there is a place I need to go before I can move forward and He knew this would be one way of slowing me down.

I don’t want you all to misunderstand anything I have said, I still turn to God for the one source of comfort. We talk many times a day and there are things that remind me that God knows exactly what He is doing even if I don’t agree with it.

So, what I need from all of you prayer warriors is prayer on my behalf. I need the strength to bottom out so that I can start the long climb back up. I need some encouraging that all of you do so well. Thank you for being there for me during the journey and for sticking around when I need you the most.

It wasn’t long after I started this journal entry that I picked up the book “In the Eye Of the Storm” and the chapter I was on was entitled “Seeing God through Shattered Glass”. This definitely caught my attention which not many of my devotionals have these days. The chapter started off by talking about how clear things look through a window or at least until that window was shattered by a pebble. Something as small as a pebble can change the appearance of things on the other side of the window. Max then goes on to compare that pebble to events in your life. Okay, my attention was heightened. Although, I don’t know if I would compare my life’s events to a pebble but more like a boulder. How do you react when life throws a pebble in your direction? Do you question God? Do you blame Him? He might not be as easy to see? The story in the bible that this book is about is the day when Jesus sent everyone away, sent his disciples out into the ocean and He went off by himself to pray. As a storm came, the disciples began to be afraid, why had their God sent them off in a boat knowing a storm was coming and where in the world was he? During times of crisis have you ever asked yourself that question, “Where in the world are you God?” Jesus did go back for the disciples, he never was that far away to begin with. The same is true with us. Although we may feel abandoned God is never far. When you can’t see him, trust him. The figure you see is not a ghost. The voice you hear is not the wind. Jesus is closer than you ever dreamed.

As I read this I learned exactly why God put this devotional in front of me today. Maybe I was not willing to admit that I felt abandoned, maybe I didn’t feel completely abandoned, but the one true constant is that I AM NOT ALONE! God is with me always. There are times when I just need to wait on Him and listen.

I think you all se now why I journal, it helps me to sort things in my head. Thank you all for walking the journey with me and being just the encouragement I need on so many days. I love you all!

Broken but not Abandoned
Tina

I also can’t end this journal without asking for continued prayers for the Hampton’s, yes Trish, Barney and Emma Grace need all of the prayer that we can send up for them. They are in their toughest battle so far and I just can’t explain to you how hard it is for me being so far away. This family has become like my own and have been by my side through so much I could never even begin to repay them. Guys-I love you and am here for you if you need anything!!!!

Wednesday, May 25, 2005 7:43 PM CDT

The word from the doctor is that my incision may look a little better. They have gotten no cultures back yet. There is about a 2 inch spot that did not stay together and this is the area that they are watching. It will have to heal from the inside out. Whatever is going on I am EXHAUSTED!

Hayden is finishing up school, in fact tomorrow is the last day. He will then be busy with his summer work that he has lined up.

I decided that since I told you last night how much I had learned and continue to learn from Stanton that tonight I would tell you what I have learned from Hayden:

1. How to make the best of a horrible situation.
2. Unconditional love for not only Stanton but every St. Jude child he came in touch with.
3. Amazing love for his family. He did whatever we needed him to do to make Stanton better.
4. Courage to keep going under any circumstance
5. His unconditional love for God. It would have been so easy for him to turn against God and instead I find him teaching me daily where he finds his strength
6. “The glass is half full” philosophy
7. Admiration-I admire the man he is becoming, something that I can’t take a lot of credit for since I didn’t raise him the last couple of years.

I could probably go on and on but I will keep it short.

Hayden-I could never tell you how very proud I am of you. I know that this horrible disease robbed you of very precious time with your little brother but oh how you made the most of the time that you had. I know he loved and adored you more than you will ever know. Thank you for being such a blessing in my life. I love you!

Humbled, as usual
Tina

Tuesday, May 24, 2005 9:24 PM CDT

Well, another day. I went to the doctor first thing this morning. He said the incision is still red, but does not look any worse so we may have caught it in plenty of time to keep it from causing too much damage. It will still require a trip to see him every day although the rest of the week is in the afternoon.

Jamie came by this afternoon to take me to get a pedicure. I never in my wildest dreams would have ever thought Jamie would be the one who could make things better when I feel the worst. Jamie-I know I have not always been the greatest sister, especially growing up. Thank you for over looking that and growing into an incredible sister, mom and friend. You have been there for the good times and the bad doing whatever it takes for me and my family. Thank you for today, I needed to get out.

Hayden and Jeff are in Springhill for the spring football game. I don't know if will get to play but he will have fun just being on the Varsity team.

As you all know I have had a lot of time to think lately and a lot of that time has been spent thinking about Stanton. I am a lucky person to have been chosen to be the mom of this most incredible kid, even if only for a short while. I look back over his life and think of all that he taught me. First of all I had a terrible time getting pregnant and after 3 years and one miscarriage we found out we were pregnant with Stanton. I can remember wondering how you could love something so much that you hadn’t even seen yet. He was feisty from the beginning, he kept me sick and when he could move boy did he. Due to some blood pressure problems they decided at 35 weeks that it was better for Stanton to be in the world and not in me. I remember being pretty calm in the doctor’s office but coming home and calling my mom and falling apart. Once again, I left her to pick up the pieces. She remained calm and came and helped me get everything ready to go to the hospital the next day. I got one day in the hospital while they tried to control my blood pressure before they performed a c-section on Valentine’s day. What more could I have asked for for Valentine’s day. Dana, my sister-in-law is a nurse at the hospital so she actually got to come in the OR with Jeff. One thing I remember like it was yesterday was telling her “If there is anything wrong with Stanton do NOT let him tie my tubes”. Well, of course there was nothing wrong with him then. I got another lesson in love and how you can love someone that you just met. This was the beginning of a short journey here on earth for Stanton but on in which he taught me so much I want to share:
1. He taught me about unconditional love, Stanton loved with all of his heart. He didn’t see the differences in people.
2. He taught me courage. He faced the challenge that was put in front of him with more courage than I have ever seen.
3. He taught me to make the most of the hand that is dealt to me. He never complained about his life, he just made it his life.
4. He taught me to live each day as it was my last.
5. He taught me that God hears the simplest of prayers.
6. He taught me strength. He would take a good lickin and get up going again.
7. He taught me to laugh more and to complain less.
8. He taught me to love without fear of being hurt.
9. He taught me how to live life to the fullest and to die with dignity.
10. He taught me the importance of family.
11. He taught me the importance of friends and who my true friends are.
12. He taught me that it only takes one small child 4 short years to make a difference in people that will last a lifetime.

I think you get it by now.
Still a HUGE hole
Tina

Stanton: Thank you so much for teaching me more about me than I could have ever learned by myself. You left a legacy here for so many of us who love you so. I will never ever forget you and as of now the pain is no less. I miss you so much! Have fun enjoying yourself without any sickeness running on the streets of gold. I love you to heaven and back!

Emma Grace had another set back today so keep those prayers coming for them

Tuesday, May 24, 2005 8:49 PM CDT

Well, another day. I went to the doctor first thing this morning. He said the incision is still red, but does not look any worse so we may have caught it in plenty of time to keep it from causing too much damage. It will still require a trip to see him every day although the rest of the week is in the afternoon.

Jamie came by this afternoon to take me to get a pedicure. I never in my wildest dreams would have ever thought Jamie would be the one who could make things better when I feel the worst. Jamie-I know I have not always been the greatest sister, especially growing up. Thank you for over looking that and growing into an incredible sister, mom and friend. You have been there for the good times and the bad doing whatever it takes for me and my family. Thank you for today, I needed to get out.

Hayden and Jeff are in Springhill for the spring football game. I am not sure if Hayden will get to play but he will have fun just being on the Varsity team. Football is just really not his sport. I think he plays it because Jeff loves it so.

As you all know I have had a lot of time to think lately and a lot of that time has been spent thinking about Stanton. I am a lucky person to have been chosen to be the mom of this most incredible kid, even if only for a short while. I look back over his life and think of all that he taught me. First of all I had a terrible time getting pregnant and after 3 years and one miscarriage we found out we were pregnant with Stanton. I can remember wondering how you could love something so much that you hadn’t even seen yet. He was feisty from the beginning, he kept me sick and when he could move boy did he. Due to some blood pressure problems they decided at 35 weeks that it was better for Stanton to be in the world and not in me. I remember being pretty calm in the doctor’s office but coming home and calling my mom and falling apart. Once again, I left her to pick up the pieces. She remained calm and came and helped me get everything ready to go to the hospital the next day. I got one day in the hospital while they tried to control my blood pressure before they performed a c-section on Valentine’s day. What more could I have asked for for Valentine’s day. Dana, my sister-in-law is a nurse at the hospital so she actually got to come in the OR with Jeff. One thing I remember like it was yesterday was telling her “If there is anything wrong with Stanton do NOT let him tie my tubes”. Well, of course there was nothing wrong with him then. I got another lesson in love and how you can love someone that you just met. This was the beginning of a short journey here on earth for Stanton but on in which he taught me so much I want to share:
1. He taught me about unconditional love, Stanton loved with all of his heart. He didn’t see the differences in people.
2. He taught me courage. He faced the challenge that was put in front of him with more courage than I have ever seen.
3. He taught me to make the most of the hand that is dealt to me. He never complained about his life, he just made it his life.
4. He taught me to live each day as it was my last.
5. He taught me that God hears the simplest of prayers.
6. He taught me strength. He would take a good lickin and get up going again.
7. He taught me to laugh more and to complain less.
8. He taught me to love without fear of being hurt.
9. He taught me how to live life to the fullest and to die with dignity.
10. He taught me the importance of family.
11. He taught me the importance of friends and who my true friends are.
12. He taught me that it only takes one small child 4 short years to make a difference in people that will last a lifetime.

I think you get it by now.
Still a HUGE hole
Tina

Stanton: Thank you so much for teaching me more about me than I could have ever learned by myself. You left a legacy here for so many of us who love you so. I will never ever forget you and as of now the pain is no less. I miss you so much! Have fun enjoying yourself without any sickeness running on the streets of gold. I love you to heaven and back!

Emma Grace had another set back today so keep those prayers coming for them.

Monday, May 23, 2005 8:09 PM CDT

I am feeling pretty yucky tonight so you will get a brief how the day was and then I want to share with you an email that I have read several times today.

The morning started off with an unexpected trip to the doctor where I got the privilege of having a good deal of fluid drained from my incision and being told that I had an infection. I will return daily to get the site drained and I am taking some pretty strong antibiotics. From there I have just been wiped out.

This is the email I got and I just loved it. I guess I just needed a gentle reminder of how good God is.

Father's Love Letter

My Child ~

You may not know me, but I know everything about you ~ Psalm 139:1

I know when you sit down and when you rise up ~ Psalm 139:2

I am familiar with all your ways ~ Psalm 139:3

Even the very hairs on your head are numbered ~ Matthew 10:29-31

For you were made in my image ~ Genesis 1:27

In me you live and move and have your being ~ Acts 17:28

For you are my offspring ~ Acts 17:28

I knew you even before you were conceived ~ Jeremiah 1:4-5

I chose you when I planned creation ~ Ephesians 1:11-12

You were not a mistake, for all your days are written in my book ~ Psalm 139:15-16

I determined the exact time of your birth and where you would live ~ Acts 17:26

You are fearfully and wonderfully made ~ Psalm 139:14

I knit you together in your mother's womb ~ Psalm 139:13

And brought you forth on the day you were born ~ Psalm 71:6

I have been misrepresented by those who don't know me ~ John 8:41-44

I am not distant and angry, but am the complete _expression of love ~ 1 John 4:16

And it is my desire to lavish my ove on you ~ 1 John 3:1

Simply because you are my child and I am your father ~ 1 John 3:1

I offer you more than your earthly father ever could ~ Matthew 7:11

For I am the perfect father ~ Matthew 5:48

Every good gift that you receive comes from my hand ~ James 1:17

For I am your provider and I meet all your needs ~ Matthew 6:31-33

My plan for your future has always been filled with hope ~ Jeremiah 29:11

Because I love you with an everlasting love ~ Jeremiah 31:3

My thoughts toward you are countless as the sand on the seashore ~ Psalm 139:17-18

And I rejoice over you with singing ~ Zephaniah 3:17

I will never stop doing good to you ~ Jeremiah 32:40

For you are my treasured possession ~ Exodus 19:5

I desire to establish you with all my heart and all my soul ~ Jeremiah 32:41

And I want to show you great and marvelous things ~ Jeremiah 33:3

If you seek me with all your heart, you will find me ~ Deuteronomy 4:29

Delight in me and I will give you the desires of your heart ~ Psalm 37:4

For it is I who gave you those desires ~ Philippians 2:13

I am able to do more for you than you could possibly imagine ~ Ephesians 3:20

For I am your greatest encourager ~ 2 Thessalonians 2:16-17

I am also the Father who comforts you in all your troubles ~ 2 Corinthians 1:3-4

When you are brokenhearted, I am close to you ~ Psalm 34:18

As a shepherd carries a lamb, I have carried you close to my heart ~ Isaiah 40:11

One day I will wipe away every tear from your eyes ~ Revelation 21:3-4

And I'll take away all the pain you have suffered on this earth ~ Revelation 21:3-4

I am your Father, and I love you even as I love my son, Jesus ~ John 17:23

For in Jesus, my love for you is revealed ~ John 17:26

He is the exact representation of my being ~ Hebrews 1:3

He came to demonstrate that I am for you, not against you ~ Romans 8:31

And to tell you that I am not counting your sins ~ 2 Corinthians 5:18-19

Jesus died so that you and I could be reconciled ~ 2 Corinthians 5:18-19

His death was the ultimate _expression of my love for you ~ 1 John 4:10

I gave up everything I loved that I might gain your love ~ Romans 8:31-32

If you receive the gift of my son Jesus, you receive me ~ 1 John 2:23

And nothing will ever separate you from my love again ~ Romans 8:38-39

Come home and I'll throw the biggest party heaven has ever seen ~ Luke 15:7

I have always been Father, and will always be Father ~ Ephesians 3:14-15

My question is ~ Will you be my child? ~ John 1:12-13

I am waiting for you ~ Luke 15:11-32

Love, Your Dad, Almighty God

Tina

Sunday, May 22, 2005 8:57 PM CDT

The days sure do run together when you do the same thing day in and day out. I guess you would think I would be used to it by now. Overall I seem to be feeling a little better just very very tired with no motivation to do anything. Again, just showering zaps what little energy that I have.

I was going to try to make it to church this morning but realized last night that it would be pushing it for me to try and to seal the deal Jeff ended up working anyway.

There is a Bible verse that keeps coming up during my quiet time so I guess maybe God wants me to share it with you. It is not a new verse, I have written about it before.

2 Corinthians 12:9

But He said to me, “My grace is sufficient for you, for My power is made perfect in weakness.”

I am a pretty hard headed person and used to like to think I could take all of my problems by the horns. As you all know my life has had it’s share of difficulties most importantly over the last 2 years. I learned quickly that my power was nothing, I needed God’s power for everything, somedays just to get out of bed. My power is useless in this temporary world that I live. One very hard lesson learned from a very hard headed person.

I know this is short and sweet but I am tired. I’ll make it up tomorrow. Please don’t forget to keep praying for Emma Grace. Also, there are 2 Neuroblastoma kids in Memphis waiting on bone marrow matches. At this time there is not a match for either one of them. I encourage you to find out about becoming a registered bone marrow donor. Their websites are www.caringbridge.org/tn/madelyn and www.caringbridge.org/la/hallie.

Very weak
Tina

Saturday, May 21, 2005 9:48 PM CDT

What a day it has been. Many of you don't know that within the last year my mom/dad and sister built new houses. Well, mom's house took a god while to sell so Jamie had stored everything in her old house. When mom's house finally sold they signed papers one day and wanted to move in the next. What this means for me is that I had the pleasure of being the host house for a garage sale. Garage sales are not something that I have ever been fond of but Jamie loves to do them and usually makes a good deal of money. Since I just had surgery I got to sit back and watch. I even slept through the first few hours of it this morning. The good thing about all of this is I did not have to sit by myself all day.

Jeff, Scotty and 2 of our St. Jude family members (Don and Todd) played golf in the church golf tournament this morning. Or from what I hear Todd played and the others watched but what I do know is that they had a good time and great fellowship. You have to remember that this is a very special family to us and we continue to keep Jake in our prayers and very close to our hearts.

I forgot to mention that as they were finishing the tournament Jeff got called to work.

When he got home from work he headed to Shreveport to play baseball. Yes, you read correctly Jeff is playing baseball. I think you can probably tell how much easier it is to stay busy. He drove all the way to Shreveport and as soon as he got there he got called back to work which is where he has been until a few minutes ago.

For me, I spent the day lying on the couch still very sore. I just can't believe that this surgery could take this much out of you.

I want to share the lyrics to a song with you tonight. It pretty much sums up how I make it through each and every day. It is called "In Christ Alone"

In Christ alone will I glory
Though I could pride myself in battles won
For I’ve been blessed beyond measure
And by His strength alone I’ll overcome
Oh, I could stop and count successes like diamonds in my hands
But those trophies could not equal to the grace by which I stand

Chorus:
In Christ alone
I place my trust
And find my glory in the power of the cross
In every victory
Let it be said of me
My source of strength
My source of hope
Is Christ alone

In Christ alone do I glory
For only by His grace I am redeemed
For only His tender mercy
Could reach beyond my weakness to my need
And now I seek no greater honor in just to know Him more
And to count my gains but losses to the glory of my Lord

He is my source of strength and hope. I hear this and think of how many days it seemed like all I had was God and how I couldn't have even gotten out of bed without His help. It is also a reminder of how much He loves me no matter what the circumstance or how down I feel. I have done nothing to deserve this unconditional love but I have it anyway. What an incredible feeling.

Thank you all for continuing to support me during this very difficult journey. Some of my brightest moments of each day come from a guestbook entry or email.

Please continue to keep Emma Grace and Tris and Barney in your prayers.

In Christ Alone
Tina

Friday, May 20, 2005 9:21 PM CDT

Okay, this will be short and sweet. Today I have been extra tired, not sure why because I rested a lot yesterday. I am at the point I wish I could turn back time. I might would have taken my chances and not had this surgery. Physically it is kicking my tail but I cannot even begin to explain the emotional turmoil it is causing. Even my daddy told me I was grouchy which is really not like him. Hayden just says he wishes they would put back in whatever they took out. Again, I wish I could say it was all related to the surgery but sometimes I wonder if people realize that I buried my precious baby only 3 months ago. I get to sit all day and think. I have tried to pour myself into devotional books and that seems to help but as soon as I am back to myself all the feelings come back. I don't think this pain is ever going to get any better. I see the pictures of Stanton and his beautiful smile, you would have never known he was so sick, and now all I have is those pictures.

I will spend a good deal of tomorrow watching NASCAR as they are at Lowe's Motor speedway in Charlotte which as many of you know are where some of our greatest times as a family happened thanks to Domino's and Michael Waltrip. It truly was a weekend of being treated like VIP's. It was one of those weekends where it was hard to believe Stanton was so sick but he had so much fun. This would be where his love of racing grew and he remained a fan until the end. I will share one story from that weekend. On Sat. morning we had a photo shoot with Michael. Stanton was so good, he did whatever they told him to and we got some great pictures. We had told him when he was finished he could have pizza. Well, when they brought the pizza they did not bring cheese, how dare they. Well, Mack, the owner of the franchise that sold pizza in the infield invited Hayden and Stanton to come make their very own pizza's. When we got there he had made them name tags, hats and even aprons. It was like everyone stopped to watch and they were so very patient. Stanton got to make his pizza just like he wanted it. He even tried to throw the dough. The best part about it was then he sat on some coke crates and ate his cheese pizza. Memories that will last a lifetime.

I got this poem from another caringbridge site and wanted to share:

As children bring their broken toys
With tears for us to mend
I brought my broken dreams to God
Because He is my friend.
But then, instead of leaving Him
In peace to work alone
I hung around and tried to help
with ways that were my own.
At last I snatched them back and cried,
"How can you be so slow?"
"My child," He said, "What could I do .....
you never let them go."

Lauretta P. Burns

How often do I not give God all of the pieces? I would suspect right now is one of those times. Like Shug said, maybe I have not given all of the pieces of my heart to God. For some strange reason maybe I don't want to. Who knows????

Thank you all for letting this be a whine session. I know this is not my typical journal but I just had to get some things off of my chest.

Letting Go
Tina

Thursday, May 19, 2005 9:06 PM CDT

Well, another day of lying on the couch. I actually was not quite as sore today and needed the rest for lack of sleep last night. Nanny Kay came again this morning. I can’t even put into words what a blessing she has been to my family.

As usual with all of the down time I had way to much time to think so think I did. Remembering the good times and the bad. Wishing I could hold Stanton again and wondering why God needed him more than me. I do see on a daily basis the impact that Stanton had on so many lives and I am thankful for that I just wish it didn’t have to be this way. I look at the pictures and it seems like he should come around the corner any minute.

I have started a Bible study on the book of James and it starts with how facing trials makes you stronger. I couldn’t have picked a better time to start this study. I know I am a stronger person it just takes me reading it to catch on sometimes.

Emma Grace was able to start dialysis early this morning. She is still receiving the blood pressure medicines and still a very sick little girl. My heart aches more than I can tell you that I cannot be there with Trish. God must think she has the biggest shoulders of any person on this earth. He seems to test her time and time again and she as His faithful servant turns to him time and time again. Trish-I want you to know that my heart is right there with you and aches for you so. I love you and Emma Grace so much. You have been there for me always and I feel like I am letting you down.

Another angel mom sent me this and I wanted to share:

The Dragonfly
>
> Once, in a little pond, in the muddy water under the lily pads,
> there lived a little water beetle in a community of water
> beetles. They lived a simple and comfortable life in the pond
> with few disturbances and interruptions.
>
> Once in a while, sadness would come to the community when one of
> their fellow beetles would climb the stem of a lily pad and
> would never be seen again. They knew when this happened; their
> friend was dead, gone forever.
>
> Then, one day, one little water beetle felt an irresistible urge
> to climb up that stem. However, he was determined that he would
> not leave forever. He would come back and tell his friends what
> he had found at the top.
>
> When he reached the top and climbed out of the water onto the
> surface of the lily pad, he was so tired, and the sun felt so
> warm, that he decided he must take a nap. As he slept, his body
> changed and when he woke up, he had turned into a beautiful
> blue-tailed dragonfly with broad wings and a slender body
> designed for flying.
>
> So, fly he did! And, as he soared he saw the beauty of a whole
> new world and a far superior way of life to what he had never
> known existed.
>
> Then he remembered his beetle friends and how they were thinking
> by now he was dead. He wanted to go back to tell them, and
> explain to them that he was now more alive than he had ever been
> before. His life had been fulfilled rather than ended.
>
> But, his new body would not go down into the water. He could
> not get back to tell his friends the good news. Then he
> understood that their time would come, when they, too, would
> know what he now knew. So, he raised his wings and flew off
> into his joyous new life!
>
> ~Author Unknown~

I can’t say that I will ever see a dragonfly and not think of Stanton. I know he is flying high enjoying his cancer free world and that one day we will all fly with him. God is just not through with us yet.

Trying to pick up the pieces
Tina

Wednesday, May 18, 2005 10:25 PM CDT

Okay, I guess I will admit it to all of you who know me so well. I must have tried to get moving to fast and seem to be paying the price. The pain today has been worse than the last Friday. I have spent all day on the couch because it hurts to much to get up. The day was broken up a little though as a very dear friend of mine brought me lunch and visited for a little while. Jamie came tonight and brought supper and as usual it was a 3 ring circus. At one point I had to move because they were making me laugh so.

I loved the guestbook entry from “Shug” where she quotes “God can’t heal you heart unless he has all of the pieces”. Shug actually came by tonight and we talked about this a little and how true it is. What keeps me from giving God all of the pieces? I am really not sure. I know that even with my heart on the mend that it will still ache for the rest of my life. This is something I am going to work on though.

Trish, Barney and Emma Grace as you know have had a long few weeks. Please continue to pray for strength and patience for Trish and Barney. I want to be with them so very bad. These long distance hugs just aren’t getting it done. While I was waiting on caringbridge to come up I got a call from Trish. Her exact words were “Our baby girl needs lots of prayers right now” They apparently started dialysis to try to get some of the fluid off of her and her blood pressure dropped to a point they had to start blood pressure medicines. They have stopped the dialysis and are waiting on the doctor. So, extra prayers are needed for this special family that has already gone through so much.

The following is an email that I got about God and Satan playing baseball. It is a little lengthy but worth the wait.

THE LORD'S BASEBALL GAME

Freddy and the Lord stood by to observe a baseball game.
The Lord's team was playing Satan's team.

The Lord's team was at bat, the score was tied zero to zero,
and it was the bottom of the 9th inning with two outs. They continued
to watch as a batter stepped up to the plate named 'Love.'

Love swung at the first pitch and hit a single, because
"Love never fails."

The next batter was named Faith , who also got a single
because Faith works with Love .

The next batter up was named Godly Wisdom. Satan wound up and
threw the first pitch.

Godly Wisdom looked it over and let it pass: Ball one. Three
more pitches and Godly Wisdom walked because he never swings at
what Satan throws.

The bases were now loaded. The Lord then turned to Freddy
and told him He was now going to bring in His star player. Up to the
plate stepped Grace . Freddy said, "He sure doesn't look like much!"

Satan's whole team relaxed when they saw Grace .
Thinking he had won the game, Satan wound up and fired his first
pitch. To the shock of everyone, Grace hit the ball harder than
anyone had ever seen! But Satan was not worried; his center fielder
let very few get by.

He went up for the ball, but it went right through his glove,
hit him on the head and sent him crashing on the ground;
the roaring crowds went wild as the ball
continued over the fence . . . for a home run!

The Lord's team w [] n!

The Lord then asked Freddy if he knew why Love, Faith and
Godly Wisdom could get on base but couldn't win the game. Freddy
answered that he didn't know why.

The Lord explained, "If your love, faith and wisdom had won
the game, you would think you had done it by yourself. Love, Faith
and Wisdom will get you on base but only My Grace can get you
Home:

'For by Grace are you saved, it is a gift of God; not of works, lest
any man should boast." Ephesians 2:8-9

Psalm 84:11, "For the Lord God is a sun and shield; the Lord will
give grace and glory; no good thing will He withhold from those who
walk uprightly."

Walking in His Grace
Tina

Tuesday, May 17, 2005 8:22 PM CDT

Okay, it is Wed.morning and I just checked on Emma Grace. For those of you who haven't checked on her today please stop by there, if nothing else for Trish's words of wisdom. I am amazed at how we can think so much alike from so far away. She really is the poster child for waiting and she does it so graciously.

Well, today was a little better than yesterday thanks to a very special little girl. Mary Claire had surgery to remove the pins from her elbow this morning and she was instructed to just take it easy today and let the sedation wear off. So she decided to come take care of me and that she did. If I moved she was right there holding my hand. Thank you Jamie once again for knowing what I needed the most and for sharing your daughter. Mary Claire-you are the best! Thank you for taking care of me today I had a great day and some much needed “Tina time”. I love you more than my arms can reach.

While I am on thank you’s I have another special thank you to someone who has been a dear friend for a very long time and has traveled the journey with us through the good and the bad. Many of you see her guestbook entries from “Shug II”. Mrs. Claire and our family go way back, in fact farther than I remember I am sure. Some of the things I do remember: Her son Mitch was very good friends with Jeff and I. On any Thursday night during football season you would find the entire Minden football team at Claire’s house while she fed them lots of carbs. She also welcomed the cheerleaders and Lousianne’s. She never complained, she just seemed to enjoy doing what she could for us kids. One thing that I will never ever forget from her is when Jeff and I were getting married. I will not go into a long story but there were many people who had their opinions about us getting married, some would tell us while others would just talk behind our back. But you know what, not Claire she supported us 100ever judging us only loving us unconditionally. She even prepared a neat shower for us and gave us something she made that still hangs on my wall 16 years later. Lately she has been there to pray for us and offer support in any way that we needed. After the crowd died down she stopped by one evening almost like she knew we needed someone to talk to. She came to the hospital last week to help Jeff take care of me (I guess the word got out I was not a good patient). She walked the halls with us helping me every step of the way. She has continued to call and offer her support in anything that we need. So with all of this said; Claire-thank you more than you could ever know. True friends are hard to find and you have proven to be the all weather friend. You will never know how much your neverending support means to Jeff and I. Thank you for also taking our St. Jude friends in and following their journey and praying for them. We love you! Mitch-you are lucky to have a mother who loves you and your children so, please don’t take it for granite.

Jamie also cooked supper for us tonight and it gave me a little break from being in the house all day.

I wish I could say things were good, but I write this from the heart and my heart aches terribly. EVERYTHING makes me think of Stanton. I just feel like I am heading a direction that I do not want to go. Saying this I will close with an email journal:

Our Responsibility to Rest
Psalm 37:6-8

One of the Christian's toughest responsibilities is to rest in the
Lord. The human tendency is to do something to push forward our agenda, but
the third requirement of the Psalm we began studying yesterday
prohibits action until God dictates.
Resting, which sounds so easy, requires supernatural courage because in
our human weakness, we fret. Worry turns our minds from our delight and
trust in the Lord; consequently the three responsibilities form a loop.
We must enjoy spending time with God in order to learn to trust Him;
our trust is absolutely essential to resting in His hand; and we must be
willing to rest in order to truly delight in Him.

Patiently waiting for the Lord to act is one of the supreme tests of
our spiritual maturity. The stronger our desire, the shorter our delay
fuse. Sometimes we desperately want to give God a timetable, but enduring
rest happens on His schedule. Only He knows understands every
circumstance and knows the precise moment when answering our prayer will yield
maximum benefit. We reap disappointment, pain, and loss when we push
ahead of His divine schedule.

Before you get out of bed each day, pray a prayer like this one:
Father, I want to thank you for giving me the desires of my heart. Today, I
am going to delight myself in You, commit everything to You, and rest in
the knowledge that You have everything under control. And I will wait
for Your perfect timing. If you follow the guidance of this Psalm, God
will richly bless you.

Waiting patiently (?)
Tina

Monday, May 16, 2005 8:18 PM CDT

Okay so another long day on the couch! But, there is this very special person that God sent my way about 4 years ago, Nanny Kay. She kept Stanton from the time he was 8 weeks old until the end and he absolutely adored her. She is coming by to help me keep the chores done around the house. Although that part of it is nice I don’t think she will ever know how much just having her here today meant to me. It kept the house from feeling so empty.

Jeff and Hayden were cleaning out the carport today and Jeff came in with a pair of shoes and Stanton’s camouflage diaper bag. Talk about lose it. I just kept waiting for Stanton to walk in behind him. I seem to be missing him more each day.

Overall I seem to be feeling okay minus the broken heart. I still get tired very easily, even getting a shower is an ordeal.

I got this email today and have seen it before but thought it was worth sharing.

Run Through the Rain

A little girl had been shopping with her Mom in Target. She must have
been 6 years old, this beautiful red haired, freckle faced image of
innocence. It was pouring outside. The kind of rain that gushes over
the
top of rain gutters, so much in a hurry to hit the earth it has no time
to flow down the spout. We all stood there under the awning and just
inside the door of the Target.

We waited, some patiently, others irritated because nature messed up
their hurried day. I am always mesmerized by rainfall. I got lost in
the
sound and sight of the heavens washing away the dirt and dust of the
world. Memories of running, splashing so carefree as a child came
pouring in as a welcome reprieve from the worries of my day. The little
voice was so sweet as it broke the hypnotic trance we were all caught
in
"Mom, let's run through the rain," she said. "What?" Mom asked. "Let's
run through the rain!" She repeated. "No, honey. We'll wait until it
slows down a bit," Mom replied. This young child waited about another
minute and repeated: "Mom, let's run through the rain," "We'll get
soaked if we do," Mom said.

"No, we won't, Mom. That's not what you said this morning," the young
girl said as she tugged at her Mom's arm.

"This morning? When did I say we could run through the rain and not get
wet?

"Don't you remember? When you were talking to Daddy about his cancer,
you said, 'If God can get us through this, he can get us through
anything!"

The entire crowd stopped dead silent. I swear you couldn't hear
anything but the rain. We all stood silently. No one came or left in
the
next few minutes.

Mom paused and thought for a moment about what she would say. Now
some would laugh it off and scold her for being silly. Some might even
ignore what was said. But this was a moment of affirmation in a young
child's life. A time when innocent trust can be nurtured so that it
will
bloom into faith.

"Honey, you are absolutely right. Let's run through the rain. If GOD
let's us get wet, well maybe we just needed washing," Mom said.

Then off they ran. We all stood watching, smiling and laughing as
they darted past the cars and yes, through the puddles. They held their
shopping bags over their heads just in case. They got soaked. But they
were followed by a few who screamed and laughed like children all the
way to their cars.

And yes, I did. I ran. I got wet. I needed washing.
Circumstances or people can take away your material possessions, they
can take away your money, and they can take away your health. But no
one
can ever take away your precious memories...So, don't forget to make
time and take the opportunities to make memories everyday. To
everything
there is a season and a time to every purpose under heaven.

I HOPE YOU STILL TAKE THE TIME TO RUN THROUGH THE RAIN.

They say it takes a minute to find a special person, an hour to
appreciate them, a day to love them, but then an entire life to forget
them.

I think you all know how passionate I am about the moral to this story. I encourage with all of my heart, don’t wait until memories are all you have, spend each day making memories that will last forever.
Can’t wait to run through the rain,
Tina

Sunday, May 15, 2005 7:25 PM CDT

Well, another day. I actually felt pretty good today compared to what I thought I would. I thought I had probably pushed a little much yesterday and would be sore this morning. But really not more than any other day.

I have a special prayer request: I seldom ask for prayer for me but I need as many warriors on this task as possible. All of this down time is already beginning to take it’s toll on me. Please just pray that I can continue to be strong and not get into a pit that I cannot get out of. Also for Jeff and Hayden as they try to get my hormones adjusted. Between the hormones and the grief they are really taking a beating from me.

I got this from an email and wanted to share it:

Maya Angelou said this:
>
>"I've learned that no matter what happens, or how bad it seems today, life does go on, and it will be better tomorrow. I've learned that you can tell a lot about a person by the way he/she handles these three things: a rainy day, lost luggage, and tangled Christmas tree lights." "I've learned that regardless of your relationship with your parents, you'll miss them when they're gone from your life. "I've learned that making a "living" is not the same thing as "making a life." "I've learned that life sometimes gives you a second chance. "I've learned that you shouldn't go through life with a catcher's mitt on both hands; you need to be able to throw some things back." "I've learned that when ever I decide something with an open heart, I usually make the right decision." "I've learned that even when I have pains, I don't have to be one." "I've learned that every day you should reach out and touch someone. People love a warm hug, or just a friendly pat on the back." "I've learned that I still have a lot to learn." "I¹ve learned that people will forget what you said, people will forget what you did, but people will never forget how you made them feel."

This gave me a lot to think about and how true it is. Life is not measured by the breaths that you take but by the moments that take your breath away.

Hayden drove me to the angel garden today which was tough because it had been several days since I had been there. Right on top of Stanton Hayden found a piece of paper which read “distributed from Memphis, TN”. Pretty strange.

Thank you all for your support, emails and guestbook entries. I turn to you to help pick me up when I am down.

Sleeping in HIS lap tonight
Tina

Saturday, May 14, 2005 7:32 PM CDT

Where do I start? What a day it has been. I started the morning off by going to the doctor to get my abdominal drains pulled (not a pleasant experience). I felt so much better after these were gone. I decided that I felt good enough to at least make an appearance at the car show. It was incredible to see the number of people that were there. I can’t wait to see the final numbers. Overall, it was very emotional. Domino’s and Michael had donated several items which just reinforced their commitment to St. Jude and with these items came many memories. I managed to make it through the prayer but fell apart trying to talk about St. Jude’s. One positive thing that I missed: There was a Domino’s race helmet signed by Michael on the raffle table. Of course we bought tickets and Hayden made it very clear that he wanted the helmet (we need it of course to go with our hanging hood). Well, Jeff’s daddy won the helmet so I think they worked out a swap and we now have the matching helmet. What this will do is keep some great memories right on the front of our minds!!! I want to thank Schelly Brown for all of her hard work to put this show on and to the people of Minden who do whatever they need to do for St. Jude.

Physically I know I had no choice but to have this surgery, and after they got everything out things looked worse than what he has anticipated so I was thankful that we went ahead but emotionally it is going to take it’s toll. I find myself going to a place that I don’t like. What am I going to do about it? I am going to pour as much of my downtime as possible into devotional books that I have. It is the only way I can even begin to imagine making it through the next 3 weeks. As I was having my meltdown the doorbell rang and their were flowers. I knew this lady had them and they should have been delivered a while ago but as you all know God’s timing is perfect. I opened the card and they were from Stanton with an incredible note. Thank you to whoever did this, it really made my day.

There is a plaque for school teachers and it reads something like “It doesn’t matter how much money you made, how big a house you lived in, but that you made the difference in the life of a child.” I have always loved this because what a true statement. I can name many teachers who had a profound impact on my life. I often thought “What can I do to make a difference in the life of anyone?” I think I have found one way to make a difference. Not long after my flowers today I checked my email and there it was, someone telling me I had made a difference. Does it fix the hurt? No, but it makes it not in vain. Nothing I do is by my own grace though. God has his hand all over every keystroke I make. I found this devotional and I will confess that I struggle with God’s goal for my life and why it has to be this way. So many days my purpose has been clear while others as clear as muddy water. When reading this one of my favorite quotes from Barney came to mind “God never promised a perfect life, just his perfect love.” I know my life has been far from perfect so I am so thankful that I have His perfect love and a promise that this life is just temporary.

God's Goal for my Life
Romans 8:28-30

As believers, we each have an individual purpose set by God, but we are
also part of a universal goal that He established for His children:
conformity to the likeness of Jesus Christ. There are those who falsely
believe they become more like Jesus by performing many good works,
donating plenty of money, and saying more prayers. But biblically, the goal
is for God's Son express His life through Christians so that our outward
conduct, conversation, and character reflect Him. We cannot transform
through self-effort; rather, we must bring body, soul, mind, and spirit
into subjection of Jesus Christ's indwelling presence.

God employs every circumstance of our life toward His goal of shaping
us into Christ-likeness. He uses the events of each day for our good,
but we must be wise enough to apply the lessons found in blessings and
hurts. Though we may wish to avoid painful situations, God is not
concerned about our ease, comfort, and pleasure. He is focused on the finished
product.

The last step of our conformation affects our physical being and
appearance. God promised to transform "the body of our humble state into
conformity with the body of His glory" (Philippians 3:21). He foreknew the
choice we would make to follow Him so He marked-or predestined-us as
His own before our birth. During our lifetime, He called and justified
us. Glorification comes at the end of our life, but the Romans passage
uses the past tense, glorified. As far as God is concerned, our
transformation is a finished contract. We will reach heaven conformed into the
image of Jesus Christ.

How AWESOME is that? God wants us to be just like Jesus Christ and as believers, we are promised that this will happen when we enter heaven. I know I can’t wait.

Many people have sent flowers this week and I can’t thank you enough. It makes the house much brighter and helps my mood so much! To Mom’s Kindergarten teachers and Mrs. Gail-supper last night was wonderful. You all have done so much for us already. Thank you for continuing to hang in there with us.

Please continue to keep the Hampton’s in your prayers, I know their days are getting LONG!!!! Also, Christal’s birthday is tomorrow I believe. Please pray for them as they adjust to life back in Memphis and that they will find the chemo that will help Christal’s tumors.

Trying to be like HIM
Tina

Friday, May 13, 2005 8:25 PM CDT

Well, I am back or at least partially anyway. It has been one rough week. First I want to thank all of you who continued to check on us and a big thank you to Jeff and Hayden for continuing to journal so that you would know how things were going.

This is definitely a surgery that I underestimated and I know I am not a good patient and yes, I love how Jeff described me last night. Bless his heart, he has put up with a lot this week. I am already struggling with the downtime and the emotional toil it is going to take. It has just made me miss Stanton more than ever. It also gives me a whole new respect for the trooper that he was during his whole journey.

Tomorrow is Cruisin For a Cure in Memory Of Stanton. I had planned on going for a little while but at this moment I can’t see that happening. I am afraid I am going to regret it so. I am sure we will have a good family turnout and I don’t know if I could handle it anyway.

A quick devotional tonight:

If you are truly living for God, expect to encounter persecution and
conflict-spiritual battle is part of the Christian life. It might be
tempting to give in to fear, but with the proper perspective, you can meet
opposition with courage and grace. Rather than focusing on the people
involved (Ephesians 6:12), recognize that reality is far deeper than
what you see. Whatever touches your life is allowed by God, and He can use
everything as an instrument for your good and His glory. (Romans 8:28)
He alone is in control, and He may have something bigger in mind. Don't
expend effort trying to defend yourself or figure everything out;
instead, God wants asks you to trust Him wholeheartedly.

Keep your focus on God-if you don't, you will react rather than obey.
Isaiah 41:10 says not to fear or anxiously look about; otherwise, Satan
will exaggerate details to make you believe things are worse than they
actually are. But when your eyes are on Jesus, He will absolutely cover
everything with His presence-and His perfect love will drive out all
fear (1 John 4:18).

Ephesians 6:10-11 says, "Be strong in the Lord and in the strength of
His might. Put on the full armor of God, so that you will be able to
stand . . . " Rather than fighting back the way the world does, stand firm
in God's strength. The battle is His to fight, so it's useless to try
manipulating circumstances. If you're right where God has called you to
stand, you can expect to be victorious, no matter what the outcome is.

I think this is pretty self explanatory especially after all we have been through. Fear definitely has a way of working it’s way into your life. I have chosen to use the shield of God to protect us and to comfort us throughout the journey.

Emma Grace has had a rollercoaster ride this week so please keep them in your prayers/

Putting on His Armor
Tina

Thursday, May 12, 2005 8:46 PM CDT

Well we have made it home.We got out of the hospital this afternoon.Tina has done pretty well she could have been called [aniT] she is not as good of a patient as Stanton was. Remember notnats anit is worse she must be pretty bad Hayden decided to stay at my dads one more night just to let her settle down a little.She really hasn't been that bad she is really sore but with gods help we will make it through this too.Being back in a hospital brought back a lot of thoughts missing Stanton was the big thing just kept thinking he must be around taking care of his mommy just like she took care of him.Well I know I'm not the writer my wife or son is so this is all ya'll get till she is ready to update thanks for all the prayers for our family we really thank everyone.Emmagrace has had a couple of rough days so just say a prayer for them too.Rember the car show this weekend we are going to try and be there as much as possible would love to see everyone there cause it is in the memory of a very special little man my sweet angel Stanton so come and support him and all his friends at St.Jude.Thank you for the support. Still only one set of footprints in the sand Jeff

Tuesday, May 10, 2005 9:05 PM CDT

hey everyone dont know what to say sorry about last nights being so short but i cant promise any longer tonight momma is feeling a litlle better todaybut still in alot of pain. She actually got up and sat in a chair today. i think tomorrow they are gonna make her walk. I hope she does ok.

Dad is spending the nights at the hospitals with her and i am stayin with papaw h. I upired tonight, had fun. I hope everyone has a good day.

Im am realy just trying to make a longer entry.
C Yall
Hayden
P.S. Remember Cruisen for an Cure this weekend that is in stantons memory. Sat. moms spose to give opening prayer but i dno if shell be able to make it.

Monday, May 9, 2005 9:46 PM CDT

Hey everyone its Hayden, Sry but no devotional tonight.
NOW for what everyone has been waiting for moms surgery
went well she is in a lot of pain. She is at Minden Medical Center in room 234. She should be out of the hospital im 3 days. She did well in her surgery.

Were all doing ok and thats about all i can think of to say.

Cradeld in His Arms
Hayden

Sunday, May 8, 2005 7:56 PM CDT

A Mother's Day Gift From God

Lord today is Mother's Day,
but my heart is split in two,
Half is with the child still
here, the other with the child
that is there with you.
All the lovely presents are a
nice surprise
But the only thing I want most is missing, and tears fill my
eyes.
I know when you sent him Lord,
You didn't promise how long he would stay
All you said was to love him and treasure each and every day.
But Lord it crushed my heart, when you called for his return.
I really feel like half a mom, as I ache, weep, and yearn.
But Lord tell him I love him just as much as I did before.
And could you please make a window, so he can see through
heaven's floor,
Let him see that he is missed and thought of with each breath.
And that a Mother's love begins before life, and does not end
with death.
So on this Mother's Day, The Greatest Gift "I Give To You.".
For Lord I know you missed him, and you Love him too.

Happy Mother’s Day to all!!!! The above poem was left in the guestbook and I had to put it in the journal because it was perfect for how I felt today.

The morning started with Hayden waking me up to tell me Happy Mother’s Day before he left for lifeguarding (he is finally now an American Red Cross certified life guard) and to give me the gifts he had. I must say, Jeff and Hayden really did great with the gifts this morning. I had 2 gifts, one from each child, a ring from Hayden and a locket from Stanton with his picture on one side and the saying “And lo I am with you always” on the other. Absolutely PERFECT!!!

I wish I could say today was easy, but that would not be the truth. I found myself shedding many tears. I know I am blessed that I still have one child with me but I find myself missing Stanton more and more. This has been one more first down.

You know that since it is Mother’s Day I want to say a little something about the Mother’s in my life.

Mom-As I listened to the sermon this morning I sat there so thankful that for everything he mentioned you had instilled that in me. I could never be the person I am today without the spiritual foundation that you raised me with. You have been the mother I could only hope to be someday. You love me unconditionally even during times when I should have been disowned. These last 2 years you have been there for me and Stanton and Hayden whenever we needed you. You always put yourself second or sometimes even third to make sure we were taken care of. For all of this I could never thank you enough. I love you so very much!

Debbie-You have been a mom to Jeff, me and Hayden so many times. Thank you for taking Hayden in and being his “mom” when we needed it the most. You will always hold such a special place in my heart.

Mamaw Miller-thank you for raising my daddy to be the incredible man that he is. You also instilled in him the spiritual values that he passed on to us. Thank you for always being there for anything that we need.

Sug-I love you like my very own grandmother. Once again, a great Christian example for all of us. Thank you for being there for us through thick and thin.

Trish-my St. Jude sister and friend. You are an amazing mother who I admire more than I could ever tell you. We share a bond that is unlike any I have ever known. You are such a source of strength for me when I am down. I love you so very much. Emma Grace and Eli are two very lucky children.

Staci, Chris, Tonya, Carol, Beth Ann, Donna, Lynn, and all of the St. Jude mom’s I missed. You guys are unlike any mother most people will ever know. You put your life on hold to do whatever it takes for your kids. You are all amazing and I love each one of you.

Chasity-I know today was as hard for you as it was for me. You are an incredible mom who put Zoie before any of your needs. I know she is so proud of you and all you are doing to keep her memory alive. Love you girl!

To all of the mothers out there: Don’t take today for granite. Children are a very special gift from God. We do not know what the future holds so treasure every moment. Time is something that once it is gone, you cannot get back, don’t waste it.

Please remember to say a special prayer for me tomorrow as my surgery is scheduled for 1:00. I think Jeff is anticipating a not so good patient as he has tried to trade places with several people.

I am putting this on here for those of you who might be interested. The print is gourgeous! We are hoping for great weather next weekend for the car show. If you are from around the Minden area I invite you to come by. It should be a lot of fun with a lot of neat raffle items including and autographed Michael Waltrip Helmet (Bet you can guess I will be trying to win this).

Print in Memory of Stanton Haynes to raise money for St. Jude

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Minden Cruisin’ For A Cure For St. Jude Print in memory of Stanton Haynes
Price of the 11 x 14 print is $20.00 if picked up in Minden or $25.00 for shipping and handling. In addition to the print you will receive a note card that tells about the artist, the car show, the Coke plant and most important Stanton and the Haynes family.
Mail checks to Minden Cruisin’ For A Cure
508 East and West St.
Minden, La. 71055
This original art work was painted by Minden artist Chris Broussard to help raise money for the 2nd annual Minden Cruisin’ for a Cure Car Show & Sock-Hop to be held May 14th, 2005. When Schelley Brown; the car show promoter, first mentioned it to Mrs. Broussard she hoped that Chris’s talent and love of children would inspire her to do this special painting. Without any hesitation, in less than one month she had created a beautiful tribute, to the car show, the Coca-Cola Bottling Company of Minden and also to Stanton Haynes a former St. Jude patient. Prints from this original painting will go on sale soon and also at the May 14th car show. Without Chris’s help and enormous talent, the amount of money given to St. Jude from the car show would be much less. This print will make a huge difference in the 2005 show as well as the 2006 auction.
Minden gives more money per-capita than any other city in the world. For over thirty years Minden has given to St. Jude Children’s Research Hospital. It is the one thing that the people in Minden do best. In 2005, so far Minden has given over half-a-million dollars.
The Coca-Cola Bottling Company of Minden is the perfect backdrop for any event. This plant has been in operation for over 100 years and owned by the Hunter family. This is one of last independently owned Coke facilities in the country. This year the Hunter family celebrates 100 years with the Coca-Cola franchise. This facility houses one of the most incredible coke and sports museums in the area. The history of Minden lies within these walls. Hunter’s have been giving to Minden for over 100 years. Without the graciousness of the Hunter Family this car show would not be possible.
St. Jude has a special place in the heart of Minden, because of the many families from our area that have to make that journey to the Memphis hospital for treatment for their children. One such child is depicted in this print. The small little boy holding the balloons is Stanton Haynes. The 2005 show is in Stanton’s memory. He touched so many lives in his few short years. Stanton Allen Haynes was born on February 14, 2001 to Tina and Jeff Haynes and older brother Hayden. On January 2, 2003, a mass was found in Stanton's abdomen. Neuroblastoma Stage IV was the diagnosis and the five-year survival rate was about 59 percent. During the time of January through September 2003, the Haynes family lived in Memphis while Stanton underwent six rounds of high dose chemotherapy, surgery to remove the tumor, autologous stem cell transplant and 12 rounds of radiation. They went home with Stanton classified as "No Evidence of Disease". On April 15, 2004, the Haynes’s experienced the worst day of their lives. They were told the cancer was back and very aggressive. Stanton participated in a research study and the Haynes family found out first hand what the research that St. Jude's does is all about. Stanton in his short life did incredible things. He brought many together, from all over the world, thru his family’s faith. Stanton loved cars and with his older brother Hayden’s help were chosen to design a NASCAR for Domino’s and Michael Waltrip. This is just one of the ways that this tiny warrior inspired so many. February 13, 2005 one day short of his fourth birthday, Stanton left his pain and made his journey to heaven. His fourth birthday was spent racing his tricycle on streets of gold.
Thank you in advance for you purchase of this print. As Danny Thomas said, “Let no child die before his time.” With your help maybe one day that dream will come true! If you would like to purchase this limited edition “Minden Cruisin For A Cure for St. Jude” print, please contact Schelley Brown at iluvoldcars@yahoo.com or 318-371-2913. Or visit the web site at www.mindencruisinforacure.com web site will be updated soon with print information.

Missing Stanton Terribly
Tina

Okay, so the picture did not work, I will try to get it in the photo album.

Saturday, May 7, 2005 9:50 PM CDT

I am not even going to pretend that things have been easy for me today. I did try to stay busy and keep my mind going. I had to get up early and take Hayden to lifeguarding. From there I went to a very good friends house (thanks Lori) and we went to breakfast then hung out until the movies opened. We watched "Guess Who" which was hilarious and then went and laid by her sisters pool until Hayden was ready.

When I got home I was surprised to find flowers sent to me by someone in Memphis that I met one time and it is another very vivid memory I will share with you. When nurse Sarah got married we were invited to her rehearsal dinner. At the time of the invitation we had not relapsed. The dinner was one week after relapse. I was a little apprehensive because I knew we would not know anyone and Sarah would be very busy. First of all her family welcomed us like we had been family all along. Then some of her bridesmaids sat at our table. This would be where we met Carrie. Stanton was in rare form doing all he could to get Sarah's attention. He actually slept during the actual meal. Needless to say he captured a few hearts while at the dinner and the following night at the wedding. He wanted so bad to dance with Sarah during the first dance. All of the St. Jude nurses were trying to get me to let him go but I would not. Once he got a chance he ran straigt to Sarah. He would not dance he just needed a hug and a kiss. What can I say, they are priceless memories. Carrie-thank you so much for remembering me on the very difficuly weekend.

Another not so great memory was a conversation that Chasity (Zoie's mom) and I had last year before Mother's day. She said that she had kept the last Mother's day card Zoie gave her because she never knew what would happen. For some reason last Mother's day I was so happy to get to spend the day at home with my children and my mom, but I put my card in a very special place (you never know what could happen). I never dreamed at that moment that it would be the last card I have signed by Hayden and Stanton. I pulled it out earlier in the week.

Tonight was Mary Claire's dance recital and I will go on and tell on myself. I had a hard time leaving the Nascar race that was on TV. Had Michael not wrecked I would have been late to the recital. Then from the recital I called a couple of time to see how things were and if Michael was back in the race. So, I guess you could say I am hooked. Michael-I hate Green pushed you into the wall and I know I shouldn't say this but you looked like you might have a little of my temper under that sweet demeanor that we love so. I was pretty happy to see that you had it in you.

I also got a great email about grieving moms and I wanted to put a paragraph of it here:

Remember that the best gift to give to a grieving mother can't be bought. It is priceless. It can't be wrapped. It is too immense. That gift is you. Now, I close with something for all you precious, compassionate mothers. Please be good to yourselves, you have surely earned it.

I also love the poem in the guestbook. If you get a chance check it out.

Broken but not Defeated
Tina

I will be posting a picture of the print that was done for the St. Jude fundraiser next weekend. We got ours today and I LOVE IT!! Thanks Schelly. The website for the fundraiser is www.mindencruisinforacure.com

Friday, May 6, 2005 10:13 PM CDT

The morning started off with a very painful procedure in the doctor’s office to try to convince my insurance company of the medical need for my surgery. (Like this is something that I begged for and am looking forward to). After this procedure I was in a good deal of pain and a little more than aggravated at my insurance company for putting me through this in the first place. The good news is that after Dr. Kemmerly waited all day to talk to a doctor he was able to get the surgery approved. Thank you Dr. K for all of the time you spent trying to get this approved. So Monday at 1:00 at Minden Medical Center I will be having surgery.

Mary Claire’s dance recital is tomorrow night and the story goes that the only reason Mary Claire even took dance was because I wanted her to. Her first recital I missed because I was in Memphis. I got the short version of just Mary Claire in her costume dancing for me. Last year I was also in Memphis for dance recital but I did make it to one practice. So this year I will be there in person. She received her 3 year trophy tonight and Jamie let me be the one to present her with flowers when she came off of the stage. Jamie-this was a very special moment for me. Thank you for once again sharing your children with me. I love them both more than I could ever express. I will say that after sitting through dress rehearsal I have a new appreciation for my daddy and all of the recitals he sat through.

Hayden will continue and finish his life guarding course this weekend. Special prayers that this goes without a hitch and he will be certified by Sunday afternoon.

I think you can all tell by my journals for this week it has been an extremely difficult one for me. Even down to finding the devotional that really hit a nerve, things just haven’t gone my way. Yes, I know by now that it isn’t my way that I am looking for to begin with. Stanton has been heavy on my heart and the ache of missing him has been unreal! Then today I got one of my email devotional and it was entitled “A Mother Who said ‘Yes’”. This definitely caught my attention and my reading began. I am sure you can figure out which Mother this devotional is talking about and as I read the devotional I longed to be like Mary.

Luke 1:38
“I am the Lord’s servant.” Mary answered. “May it be to me as you have said.”. Then the angel left her.

I cannot even begin to imagine Mary’s feelings when she was told she would be carrying the Son of God. What an honor! If she knew how things would turn out I wonder how she would have felt? If she knew that Jesus would die a painful death on a cross to save the world from sin, what would she have thought?

One thing I do know is that God hand picked Mary to be the mother of Jesus. He knew that she would say yes. God knew the plans He had for Jesus and He knew the type of woman it would take to face the trials and continue to say “yes”. I had to think, if today God was to pick a woman to be the mother of His son. Who would he pick? The answer is clear, we are all His children so anyone who is a mother is the mother to God’s children. What an AWESOME responsibility!!!! Now for you mothers, how many of you are making God proud? How many of you are saying “yes” even when the way is unclear.

These are the author’s imaginary requirements that he pictured God having for the mother of Jesus:
• a woman of great character
• a woman committed to personal righteousness
• a woman humble enough to put God’s wishes first
• a woman who would faithfully raise her son and teach him about God
• a woman who wouldn’t fall apart at the first sign of trouble
• a woman who would stand beside Jesus when he was falsely accused of heresy
• a woman who wouldn’t shrink away when her son was beaten and forced to carry a cross through the streets with people spitting at him
• and the woman who would raise God’s son must be willing to let Him die so that the world would be saved.

Quite a list of characteristics for a mother. One to sit down and ponder. Would God trust me with something that important? Would God trust me to raise a child for which He has great plans? I guess for me that answer would be yes. In fact, He has trusted me with 2 beautiful sons, one who has done what God sent him here to do and is now living with Him in heaven and the other who is an incredible young man who God has given many talents and abilities. So, what do I do with these gifts? First of all know that it is not what I will for my children but what God will’s. This was a very hard prayer to pray and a concept that is very hard to understand. Through Stanton’s illness this is a lesson I was forced to accept in a very hard way. I now see what a great plan God had for Stanton and how Stanton fulfilled that plan with the courage and integrity more than most adults that I know. For Hayden I still have a HUGE responsibility and one that I cannot take lightly. I must serve as a role model for him, walk in humility, seek personal righteousness, and trust God’s plan. I must show Hayden that God is the center of my life hoping he will continue to grow in Christian walk. He too has a story to tell and it is my responsibility to teach him to tell it in a way that glorifies God.

My prayer for today is that I can be like Mary. That I will be willing to say “yes” to whatever God’s plan is for my life as well as Hayden’s. All this while thanking God for the opportunity to be the mother of 2 very special children.

Striving to say “yes”
Tina

Thursday, May 5, 2005 9:17 PM CDT

I will preface this with an apology because today has been one of those days. Work only got worse, I had psyched myself up to going to counseling for the counselor to have back trouble and have to cancel. To top it all off the doctor called and said that my insurance company was denying my surgery for lack of medical necessity. How crazy is that? I am 32 and the doctor is recommending a hysterectomy but it is not medically necessary. Needless to say I was a little aggravated. I will go in the morning for another ultrasound and lab work and then the arguing will begin. If they still refuse to pay the surgery will still go as planned Jeff and I will just have to figure out a way to pay for it.

To say this week has been tough would be an understatement. I could attribute it to a multitude of factors; work has been hectic, mother’s day is this weekend, my surgery is scheduled for Monday, need I go on. Yesterday in a devotional I was reminded to count my blessings not focusing on what God has not given me or has taken away, but on what He has blessed me with and as I have mentioned before they are too numerous to mention. I won’t bore you all by listing all of my blessings but I am going to share the story of one of them that you all know, Michael Waltrip, his family and racing team, especially one of his sponsors, Domino’s (who actually made all of this possible). I was reading an interview done with Michael and I have cut and pasted a question that really brought a smile to my face and a tear to my eye because it brought back some very special memories. It was also a reminder to me of how sincere Michael was in his love for Stanton. First the question:

Q: Putting aside the fact that Buffy and the kids have gotten to do some of the commercials with you -- what is your favorite ad? That's not the production -- but to watch?
Well, I like all the ones that are funny. The Aaron's one with Darrell painting his name on my car I think is hilarious.
The NAPA ones -- from the time I was at the wrong track all the way up to now with our spoof on the home shopping network with Dale Earnhardt Jr. and the products that we're selling there -- they're all funny.

But I guess the one that's the most special to me is the little boy that recognizes me at the Best Western that we were coming out of the room to go to the races.
That meant so much to me, because occasionally a young child or someone will recognize me and look up to me and say, "Hey, that's Michael," and that still brightens my day every time that it happens.

And so Best Western, unbeknownst to them, they captured that. They froze a moment in time that is probably the neatest thing that happens to me -- when a child or someone recognizes me, and it means something to them.
So when I get to see that it makes me smile, because I think it's a wonderful commercial; but it also makes me smile for all the times in my career over the years that it's actually happened.

I will always be grateful to Best Western for that and that's probably my all-time favorite

I am here as a witness that the answer to that question was not for the media benefit. On October 23 in Memphis we got to see this Michael in action. It was a Busch series race in which he would be driving the car that Hayden and Stanton designed. Michael was flying in especially for this race because the races were in different cities this weekend. We as usual were treated as royalty by the Domino’s staff and were waiting patiently for Michael’s arrival. Keep in mind over the course of a couple of visits Michael had earned (I do not use this word lightly) a place in Stanton’s heart. We had been very careful not to mention that Stanton might get to see Michael because we did not know what his schedule would be like. Once word got out that Michael was actually at the track a line formed at his hauler for autographs. Having the inside story we knew that Michael would not be at the hauler but rather making a lap around the track in the pace car since he had never raced there before. So there we were standing on the racetrack waiting on driver introductions and out of the pace car steps Michael. Stanton immediately yells “Michael Waltrips” and takes off running. This is the moment in my mind where time slows down a bit. Without hesitation a big smile comes across Michael’s face as he picks up Stanton (which was short lived because Stanton was running everywhere). From that moment until they went on stage for driver introductions Michael did whatever Stanton wanted. Stanton would run down the finish line toward the stand and yell for Michael where he would in turn run to where Stanton was. They would then race back only to repeat the process over and over. Keep in mind Michael was fixing to get in a new race car and race around a track that he had never raced before. There were adults waiting everywhere for Michael but at that moment Stanton was all he was concerned with and it was very obvious. I will never forgive myself for not having a video camera but I do have some great still shots. With or without them the memory is one that will be cherished forever. Mother Theresa once said “In this life we cannot do great things. We can only do small things with great love.” Michael this statement continues to ring true in all that you do. So once again, to Michael and Domino’s thank you for some very special memories and most of all blessings in the friendships that were made.

Please say special prayers in the morning that my doctor is able to get through to the insurance company and that they will understand the need for the surgery.

Counting my blessings
Tina

Wednesday, May 4, 2005 9:00 PM CDT

Okay, I guess God knew it was going to be a tough week for me so He is making work so busy I have time to think of nothing but that. It was another one of those days.

I was on the brink of tears (just in general) when I got a surprise from my St. Jude sister, Trish. Thank you so much, I have no idea how you knew that I needed those flowers at that exact moment. Once again, I cannot describe the relationships that are built at St.Jude's. It has taken everything I have not to head back up there to be with Trish.

The evening was uneventful. My next t-ball game is tomorrow.

I got this by email today and wanted to share it with you. It was pretty humbling to me.

By Maya Angelou

When I say... "I am a Christian"
I'm not shouting "I'm clean livin'."
I'm whispering "I was lost,
Now I'm found and forgiven."

When I say... "I am a Christian"
I don't speak of this with pride.
I'm confessing that I stumble
and need Christ to be my guide.

When I say... "I am a Christian"
I'm not trying to be strong.
I'm professing that I'm weak
And need His strength to carry on.

When I say. "I am a Christian"
I'm not bragging of success.
I'm admitting I have failed
And need God to clean my mess.

When I say... "I am a Christian"
I'm not claiming to be perfect,
My flaws are far too visible
But, God believes I am worth it.

When I say... "I am a Christian"
I still feel the sting of pain.
I have my share of heartaches
So I call upon His name.

When I say... "I am a Christian"
I'm not holier than thou,
I'm just a simple sinner
Who received God's good grace, somehow.

This is oh so true in the definition of a Christian.

Special prayer requests:
Emma Grace www.caringbridge.org/ar/emmagrace
Katie and her sisters as this will be the first mother's day without her mother. www.caringbridge.org/tn/christi
Christal-they are back in Memphis looking for treatment options for Christal http://christalinfo.servemp3.com/
Madelyn www.caringbridge.org/tn/madelyn
Brent www.caringbridge.org/ms/brent
Hallie www.caringbridge.org/la/hallie
Jake www.caringbridge.org/la/jakeowen

Heart Broken
Tina

Tuesday, May 3, 2005 10:07 PM CDT

Since I spent all day in front of a computer trying to get a report done today at work this entry will be brief.

Work was once again pretty hectic and a little stressful but there is nothing like a good t-ball game after a long day at work. Scotty had to work late which meant I was in charge (for real not just pretending I am). I think we did okay with the help of Jamie, Courtney and Michelle. The kids are absolutley adorable. If I get one hug there are many more to follow. Pretty bittersweet for me. There is a little boy that is smaller than the rest of the team and of course I can't help but love on him just a little extra as he reminds me of Stanton so. Luckily he doesn't mind the hugs and his mother willingly shares.

Please keep the prayers going for Emma Grace as she is still battling. Also this is a little selfish but this weekend will be another first for me (first mother's day) without Stanton so I need a few extra prayers.

I can't tell you how much all of the support via the guestbook and email means to all of us. We love to hear from you.

Only By His Grace
Tina

Monday, May 2, 2005 9:41 PM CDT

What a day!! Things at work were HECTIC to say the least. That is a good thing though because the less time I have to think the better.

Tonight Jamie invited me to her Bunko group (dice game). I had a pretty good time, even won 2 prizes but I must say that sometimes it just feels weird. Sitting there talking/listening to everyone talking about their kids and the problems in their world. I don’t want people not to talk or to feel strange with me there it is just something I am going to have to learn to deal with.

Tomorrow we will have another t-ball game. I am sure I will enjoy it. I hate I will miss most of the season after surgery. I have had fun so far.

The devotion I want to share with you tonight may be one I have shared before but it meant enough I want to share it again. It is from “Grace for the Moment”.

Matthew 14:28

Lord if it is you, Peter says, tell me to come to you on the water.

This is from the story where Peter is in the boat in a storm and God tells him to come. I can imagine Peter was afraid.

“Peter is not testing Jesus; he is pleading with Jesus. Stepping onto a stormy sea is not a move of logic; it is a move of desperation. Peter grabs the edge of the boat . Throws out a leg… follows with the other. Several steps are taken. It’s as if an invisible ridge of rocks runs beneath his feet. At the end of the ridge is the glowing face of a never-say-die friend.

We do the same don’t we? We come to Christ in the hour of deep need. We abandon the boat of good works. We realize…that human strength won’t save us. So we look to God in desperation. We realize… that all of the good works in the world are puny when laid before the Perfect One.”

How many of you can sympathize with this scenario. I know it hit really close to home for me. I encourage you not to wait until the moment of desperation before turning to God. Trust Him with all that you have and all that you are.

Stepping Out of my Boat
Tina

Sunday, May 1, 2005 8:35 PM CDT

Hope you all had a great Sunday! The weather here was beautiful although we didn’t enjoy it much, we were watching the NASCAR race. Yes, I am hooked. Michael got 3rd. Congratulations Michael we were sure cheering you on!!!

Before all of this we had a great Sunday morning in church. Our Sunday School lesson was all too appropriate and Paul, you did a great job with it. The lesson was about faith and how we are to have faith in what God tells us to do without questioning Him. How many times have you felt the need to do something out of your comfort zone and just couldn’t do it because you were afraid? God wants us to trust Him and the plan that He has for our lives. I must say that over the last 2 years I personally have learned a whole lot about faith and trusting God. Paul mentioned God tapping you on the shoulder, for me it was more like hitting me over the head with a two by four. He definitely got my attention. One thing Paul talked about that I thought was interesting is that just because you become a Christian and say you have faith once doesn’t mean that is all you have to do. Faith is an everyday action, in my case sometimes more than once a day I have to remind myself and put my total faith in Him. One thing I thought was cool was a saying that is on the chalkboard in the basement where I work. Someone usually writes something on it about once a week and last week it said “Faith and fear cannot occupy the same space.”

As I type this Jeff is at work, where he has spent the majority of the weekend including nights. Special prayers for him this week as he will start the week off tired which really makes for a long week.

I forgot to mention but I will now, if you go to www.press-herald.com there is an article about an upcoming St. Jude car show in memory of Stanton. On the front page there is a picture that was painted by a local artist here with Stanton in it. It is priceless and I cannot wait for it to come for the printer. They will be selling them for 20 dollars with the proceeds going to St. Jude’s.

Using my space for FAITH
Tina

Saturday, April 30, 2005 10:51 PM CDT

We got off to an early start this morning as Hayden had to be in Shreveport by 8:00. It actually worked out good because I went in to work and got a lot accomplished because it was so quiet. He is now certified in CPR. I think he did very good on the test.

When we got home Aunt Mo was in town so off they went in the Hummer. When they came back they had a little surprise for me. They planted flowers in my planter on the front porch. Thanks Mo for being "the coolest".

Tonight we went to Hank and Dana's for hamburgers and Rook. We had a great time with them and Ricky and Jodi, it just seems like adult time is not quite as much fun as it use to be. I guess because there is so much more of it and I would much rather be having kid time. So as I ask you many times, please don't take your children for granted. Love them, spend time with them, don't let them grow up to fast and most of all don't complain about the little things they do that may get on your nerves. Instead, stop and thank God that they are there to get on your nerves. I remember a time when we were home from Memphis and Stanton and I had a horrible day. When I got in bed that night it wasn't the horrible day that I prayed for it was thanking God for the day he had allowed me with Stanton.

I copied this poem from the guestbook. It really pretty much sums up my story these days.

My Mom is a survivor, or so I've heard it said.
But I hear her crying at night when all others are in bed.
I watch her lay awake at night and go to hold her hand.
She doesn't know I'm with her to help her understand.
But like the sands on the beach that never wash away...
I watch over my surviving mom, who thinks of me each day.
She wears a smile for others...a smile of disguise.
But through Heaven's door I see tears flowing from her eyes.
My mom tries to cope with death to keep my memory alive.
But anyone who knows her knows it is her way to survive.
As I watch over my surviving mom...through Heaven's open door.
I try to tell her that angels protect me forever more.
But I know that doesn't help her or ease the burden she bears.
So if you get a chance, go visit her...And show her that you care.
For no matter what she says...no matter what she feels.
My surviving mom has a broken heart that time won't ever heal~!

Broken hearted
Tina

Friday, April 29, 2005 10:46 PM CDT

Okay, I didn’t mean to make everyone panic last night I just needed to get things lined out at work before I told the world I was having surgery. I am scheduled to have the surgery May 9 at 1:00. Please just remember to say an extra prayer for me that day.

As for the rest of my day, it has been hectic trying to get as much accomplished as possible before having to be off again. Jeff’s day was probably worse than mine as far as hectic is concerned which actually changed our evening plans. We were supposed to go see the Saviour at the Strand thanks to Todd and Alicia but Jeff got stuck working so I went with mom and Jamie. Todd-I know that so much went into tonight and you are one of the many factors but tonight was fabulous. You kind of just sat there in awe. At one point it seemed so real. I wanted to say “No, don’t eat the apple!” To all who put in many hours for tonight’s performance it was great. Thank you for sharing your talents.

Hayden had his first lifeguard class tonight. He did okay. He did get the hardest parts behind him as far as the physical part goes. He will go tomorrow and Sunday and then again next Saturday and Sunday. Then maybe he will get a job for the city. He really wants a summer job.

So many people have told me that they just don’t know what to say when they see me or try to explain my friends actions by saying “they may just not know what to say”. Because I have heard this so many times I want to share a song with you that really describes all that I want from anyone especially my closest friends. It is called “Help Somebody Cry”

Someone you care about
Has a broken heart
You want to be a friend
But you don’t know where to start
There are no words to speak that could ever be enough
But how can you show them your love

Help somebody cry
Be there for the tears
God will use your life
To show that he is near
There’s no easy way
To make it feel alright
When you don’t have the answers to why
Help somebody cry

Time may heal the wound
But that doesn’t matter now
So lend a friend your faith
To walk them through the doubt

Sometimes there’s nothing you can do
But hold somebody’s hand and pray them through.

I know this sounds simple but this is all I want. I want someone who will listen and let me cry. Knowing that there is nothing that they could say or do to make it better just let me be me. So if you are ever in this situation remember just help somebody cry. Thank you Don and Gerhard for being that person for me last week.

Thank you all for your continued love and support you can never know how much it means!

Back to one set
Tina

By the way, tomorrow is Michael Waltrip's birthday so be sure and go vote for him for driver of the year.

Thursday, April 28, 2005 10:08 PM CDT

UPDATE APRIL 29: Okay, for those of you who are worried about my doctor's appointment. I didn't want to say anything until I had some things worked out. Due to several different problems my doctor decided that I needed to have a total hysterectomy. No, it will not be the kind I can have over a weekend and go back to work. I knew this was a big possibility but still a lot of emotions went into the decision. I will let you know the date as soon as I do.

Sorry it is so late so this will probably be short. Another day down in our world. I had a doctor’s appointment today that I will fill everyone in on after tomorrow. Just say a special prayer for me until then.

We went to watch Coltan play baseball again tonight. He is in my favorite league so the games are so much fun to watch. It is still hard to not look around for Stanton. We did get to see several friends which was good. Coltan-you played good and I had a great time watching you.

Special prayers for Hayden tomorrow evening as he will start his lifeguarding class.

Tonight’s Bedside Blessing.

“God’s presence is not as intriguing as His absence. His voice is not as eloquent as His silence. Who of us has not longed for a word from God, searched for a glimpse of His power, or yearned for the reassurance of His presence, only to feel that He seems to be absent from the moment? Distant. Preoccupied. Maybe even unconcerned. Yet later, we realize how very present He was all along.”

Psalm 23
The Lord is my shepherd I shall not want…..

Hit another nerve, it did with me. I remember all to well the long days and nights that it seemed as if God was no where to be found. He would then show His love at the most unexpected time but right when I needed it.

Sorry this is short but I am tired and ready to sleep.

In His presence
Tina

This is a website that was shared with me. I love this song therefore I loved the site.

http://www.andiesisle.com/imagine.html

Wednesday, April 27, 2005 8:48 PM CDT

Okay, first and foremost I actually had an okay day at work. I attended a meeting, carried out intelligent conversation (or at least got my point across) and felt good about it. I went in with a lot of notes as I tend to lose my train of thought often. Luckily I work with a group of doctors who are most understanding and have been so patient with me.

The day at work was highlighted by a visit from a friend who was there on business and made sure to check on me before he left. I have mentioned in the last couple of journals about true friends and Chad is an example of one of those true friends. Chad-thank you so much for stopping by today. It definatley did me some good. Thank you for being there during some of the darkest hours after we got home. You will never know how much your unconditional friendship means.

I also have a very special request. The first time we were in Memphis a group of ladies came and painted tiles for the local Relay for Life sponsors. One of them was a young lady by the name of Katie. Stanton was not easily won over but Katie managed to work her way in easily. He loved on her and played with her and made a special place in her heart for him. She actually made him a tile this year when she found out he was back and she kept his tile to put in her dorm room. Long story short she was a very special person in our journey. If you check the guestbook you will see that she signed recently and I am ashamed to say that I did not know that her mother had cancer and won her battle on April 15 (I am really beginning to not like that day at all). Katie had set her mother up a web site as a way for people to let her know that they were praying for her and since her death Katie has continued to journal. Now, I know I have had a terrible loss but I cannot imagine what Katie is going through losing her mother and by reading her journal you will see that she is not your typical college student. She is a great Christian who has a deep love for her family and unselfishly was there for her mother. What I would like from all of my faithful readers is for you to visit her site and give her some words of encouragement. Let her know that Stanton sent you. The site is www.caringbridge.org/tn/christi. I know it will mean the world to Katie and her family.

As for the devotion for tonight, it is from Bedside Blessings and it really got me thinking.

Philippians 4:11
I have learned to be content in whatever circumstances I am in.

“Some people are thermometers. They merely register what is around them. If the situation is tight and pressurized, they register tension and irritability. If it’s stormy, thry register worry and fear. If it is calm and comfortable, they register relaxation and peacefulness.

Others, however, are thermostats. They regulate the atmosphere. They are the mature change-agents who never let the situation dictate them.”

How about that!!!! I know a lot of thermometers and the more thermometers you have the less thermostats you will see. I wish I could say I was a thermostat all of the time but can’t although I think there are and have been times when I refused to let the situation dictate my attitude. I know you have heard the phrase “a smile is contagious” the same goes for an attitude. So what do you think? Are you are thermostat or a thermometer?

I also came across a poem on another angel site and wanted to share it although you may want to grab you a Kleenex.

LETTING GO

The angels gathered near your bed
So very close to you
For they know the pain and suffering
That you have been going through

I thought about so many things
As I held tightly to your hand
Oh how I wished that you were strong
And happy once again

But your eyes were looking homeward
To that place beyond the sky
Where Jesus held His outstretched arms
It was time to say goodbye

I struggled with my selfish thoughts
For I wanted you to stay
So we could walk and talk again
Like we did yesterday

But Jesus knew the answer
And I knew He loved you so
So I gave to you life’s greatest gift
The gift of letting go

I don’t believe in coincidence so I know I was led to this angel site for a reason and the reason being to see this poem. The feelings are so real. I relived a moment that has played in my mind over and over for the last 2 weeks. The moment when I realized that unwillingly I had to let go. Maybe that is why Stanton waited on me to go to sleep, he knew I would want to hold on. I am ever so thankful that Stanton was not scared, that he knew who was coming to get him and he was not afraid. Bear with me.

Stanton-I miss you more than you could ever imagine. I know you are watching me and taking good care of all of us left behind. I am so sorry that you had to be so sick and so sorry that I have had a hard time letting go. I know you are happy and no longer suffering but you will always hold a HUGE part of my heart. I don’t know if I will ever miss you less. I love you all the way to heaven and back!

Sorry about that but I need to let some emotions out for me.

Emma Grace continues to be stable in ICU. I know this is beginning to wear on Trish and Barney as it will be 4 weeks this weekend. Please say special prayers for them as well as Emma Grace. Pray for continued knowledge for the doctors to figure out what will make her better.

Thank you all for letting me vent a little tonight.

Trying to be a thermostat
Tina

Tuesday, April 26, 2005 10:15 PM CDT

I first want to thank all of you who responded to me via guestbook or email about my journal. I had a pretty rough time this morning coming to work. Just one of those times I couldn’t seem to get it all together and then got there and read all of the words of encouragement. I almost could feel the arms around me. My question was answered though, the journal will continue.

As you all know last week and so far this week have been very hard for me. I will admit some of it is self made pressure but none the less it makes it hard for me. I feel like the light at the end of the tunnel is getting farther and farther away. I wish I could explain to all of you what is going on in my head, I wish I knew what was going on in my head but it is driving me crazy which brings me to a new point.

I have truly learned who my “friends” are during this experience. Some of them are the ones I least expected while others I expected to be there are no where to be found. First of all don’t be afraid of me and talking to me. There is nothing you can say to make it better and I know that therefore I don’t expect anyone to fix it. Second, Don-you will never know how much our friendship means. I can be “real” and for some crazy reason you understand (couldn’t be that you may be a little like me) and I am so thankful that you do. Gerhard-you are the greatest. I sure wish you weren’t so far away. Thank you for being there. Who would have ever thought a complete stranger would become one of my best friends.

We had our first T-ball game tonight. It was so bittersweet for me. I went to the angel garden when I got home from work and had a long talk with Stanton. I was reminded by a friend that Stanton was playing a much better t-ball game than I would be. The kids did great and we had a lot of fun. The good thing is that during the game it is so busy there is no time to think. I did have a mini meltdown after the game but seeing the smiles on the kids faces and the hugs I got from them before, during and after the game was well worth it. I just love the unconditional love of a child. I was a little disappointed in the parent prayer before the game but maybe the turnout for it will get better.

I then went and watched Coltan play. They won and he seemed to do good. I kept finding myself looking around though as I was missing something or someone. Once again, something I will have to adjust to.

Emma Grace remains in ICU on the vent. Please keep the prayers coming as this has turned into a longer battle than they ever imagined. Jake’s new AFP number was significantly lower this week. GO JAKE!! I remember all to well waiting on lab results and the excitement when they were what we wanted them to be.

I am putting the lyrics to this song that has become something I listen to daily and draw great strength from. My favorite part is where it says “ask me why He loves me and I don’t know what to say”. This statement hits home so hard for me because as I grow closer to God and learn more and more I feel less and less worthy. I have done nothing to deserve the unconditional love that He provides. It just makes me think and more than anything WANT to do more to sever Him and long for the day when He will say “you are everything to me”.

Avalon - Everything To Me Lyrics
I grew up in sunday school
I memorized the Golden rule
And how Jesus came to set the sinner free
I know the story inside out
I can tell you all about
The path that led Him up to Calvary
But ask me why He loves me
And I don't know what to say
But i'll never be the same
Because he changed my life when He became...

Everything to me
He's more than a story
more than words on a page of history
He's the air that I breath
The water I thirst for
And the ground beneath my feet
He's everything, everything to me

We're living in uncertain times
And more and more I find that i'm aware
Of just how fragile life can be
I want to tell the world I found
A love that turned my life around
They need to know that they can taste and see
Now everyday I'm praying
Just to give my heart away
I want live for Jesus
So that someone else might see that he is...

Everything to me
He's more than a story
more than words on a page of history
He's the air that I breath
The water I thirst for
And the ground beneath my feet
He's everything
And looking back over my life at the end
I'll go to meet you saying you've been...

You're everything to me
You're more than a story
More than words on a page of history
You're everything to me
You're more than a story
More than words on a page of history
You're the air that I breath
The water I thirst for
And the ground beneath my feet
You're everything to me
Lord, you're everything to me

I thought that would be my devotional for tonight but when I opened my “Everyday Blessings” I just have to share with you.

Mark 6:46
He went into the hills to pray.

“What does Jesus do while we are in the storm? You’ll love this. He prays for us…

So where does that leave us? While Jesus is praying and we are in the storm, what are we to do? Simple. We do what the disciples did. We row…

Much if life is spent rowing….Getting out of bed. Fixing lunches….More struggle than strut.”

I loved this and can just imagine all of the time Jesus is spending praying for me.

Rowing (barely),
Tina

Monday, April 25, 2005 9:28 PM CDT

Okay, I know you are all wondering how the game went. Well, I think Stanton had other plans and made his presence known by a thunderstorm. It actually had just started raining so they decided to call the game. I had worked so hard to gear myself up for it I was a little disappointed but that is okay because we will try again tomorrow night at 7:15. I will admit watching the kids put on their uniforms and run around was hard. I couldn’t help but think Stanton should be there. I even caught myself looking around when we left like we had forgotten something.

I had a pretty uneventful day but on the ride home it all caught up with me and I had major meltdown. Luckily I was close to home and I headed straight to the angel garden. I hear of so many people that are not able to go to their child’s resting place but Stanton’s is so peaceful and I can always go there and just sit. Sometimes I talk to him, sometimes I talk to God and other times I just sit there and know God knows what I would be saying if I could find words to speak.

I have been trying to decide how long I needed to keep journaling on Stanton’s website. It is very therapeutic for me and I enjoy it but I wasn’t sure who all was still reading it. I have had a couple of emails lately that really remind me of who is reading this and that as long as people are reading and enjoying I will continue.

My devotional for tonight comes straight from “Grace for the Moment” It was a wonderful reminder of what to expect when I get to heaven.

1 John3:2
We know that when Christ comes, we will be like him, because we will see him as he really is.

“When you arrive (in heaven)…something wonderful will happen. A final transformation will occur. You will be just like Jesus….

Of all of the blessings of heaven, one of the greatest will be you! You will be God’s Magnum Opus, His work of art. The angels will gasp. God’s work will be completed. At last, you will have a heart like his.

You will love with a perfect love.

You will worship with a radiant face.

You’ll hear each word God speaks.

Your heart will be pure, your words will be like jewels, your thoughts will be like treasures.

You will be just like Jesus. You will , at long last, have a heart like His.

Longing for the day
Tina

Sunday, April 24, 2005 9:35 PM CDT

Once again God has held me up and given me strength when I needed it the most. For some reason I was very apprehensive about talking today. I am sure it has something to do with what a difficult week I had in general. Well, I got up and Hayden and I headed to Tyler, Tx. Jeff was on call and couldn’t go which may have also played into the apprehension. When we got there the Dream Home was beautiful and we got to meet more new ALSAC employees. I don’t know how they do it but St. Jude manages to hire the best of the best in every area. Guys it was great!!!!

I was doing okay until I watched the telethon and the St. Jude clip. It hit HARD!!!!! We should be there not here. There are so many great memories at St. Jude it will always hold such a special place in our hearts. Then they interviewed Allison who was a patient and friend while we were at the RMH. She looked great but again, many emotions. It was about this time I realized that if I didn’t do something quick I would never be able to do the interview so, you guessed it. I found a quiet corner got on my knees and went to the one person who gives me strength when I have none. After my prayer time I was ready. Then it was my turn. As for the speaking, I think I have it back. It was an emotional 3 minutes but straight from the heart and not a lot of think time. I must have done okay because as soon as I finished they called from the studio and asked me to stay and do one more interview. Of course I said yes. Once all of the sponsors in the house heard our story they all came to give me a hug. They were all truly incredible. First of all the time and money they spent on the Dream Home for the kids of St. Jude is amazing. I wish I could name you all but there is no way so I will just say THANK YOU!

By the time we got home it left enough time for Hayden to go swim some laps (he will be attending life guard classes the next 2 weekends). Then we went to visit the angel garden to find a neat surprise. Thank you to whoever put the LIVESTRONG bracelet on the lab. We loved it.

Tomorrow I have my first T-ball game as a coach and I am pretty excited although again a little apprehensive. Please pray for the peace I need to make it through the game and the spirit that Stanton would want me to have.

Thank you all for your continued support and prayers.

Relying on HIM completely
Tina

Saturday, April 23, 2005 10:45 PM CDT

As you can tell by the time I am running a little late tonight so I will be short and sweet.

First and foremost I got my hands on a Hampton today. Yes, you read right Barney is in Minden and I got a great BIG hug. You can't possibly know how good this feels as my heart has been with them over the last couple of weeks when my body could not be.

We had a pretty uneventful day and had a great evening with friends. Not to mention GO MICHAEL!!!!!! What a weekend you did great (although you know we love you no matter how you do). I love what you just said on TV about people believing in you and what you can accomplish. This is true in everything we do. Behind a good person is someone who believed in them when no one else would.

Special prayers for Hayden and I as we will be traveling to Tyler,Tx. tomorrow to speak on behalf of St. Jude and the Tyler dream home. I think this will be the toughest one yet just because I am coming off a pretty bad week.

One Set Still
Tina

Friday, April 22, 2005 11:07 PM CDT

Okay, so today seemed a little better than yesterday. I had a good day at work and then had an evening out with a good friend from work. Some much needed down time, dinner and a movie. The movie we saw was “The Interpreter” which was very good. You had to stay alert as to not miss anything but it was good.

I don’t have a lot to share tonight so I thought I would leave you with the words of a song that I just love:

Can’t Cry Hard Enough

I’m gonna live my life
Like every day is the last
Without a simple good-bye
It all goes by so fast

And now that your gone
I can’t cry hard enough
I can’t cry hard enough
For you to hear me now

Gonna close my eyes
And see for the first time
And let go of you
Like a child letting go of a kite.

There is goes, up in the sky
There is goes beyond the clouds
For no reason why
Can’t cry hard enough
Can’t cry hard enough
For you to hear me now

I look back in vain
And see you standing there
When all that remains
Is an empty chair.
Now that your gone
I can’t cry hard enough
I can’t cry hard enough
For you to hear me now.

This is just a small glimpse of how I have felt this week. I miss Stanton so very much that it seems that there really aren’t enough tears.

As I was driving home tonight if I looked out of the sunroof you could see the moon so bright and right next to it was one bright star. I had to think Stanton hung that one just for me.

Still looking to the Son
Tina

Thursday, April 21, 2005 9:05 PM CDT

Today has actually been a good day for me in comparison to last few days. I got to work and got really involved in a project that I enjoyed. Sometimes it is pretty cool to remember that I do still have a brain that will function occasionally. One of the hardest things for me has been that I have not been on top of things at work. I know you think I am crazy (which would be a good assumption) but I love what I do and like to know that I am doing my absolute best at it.

We had t-ball practice again tonight. It went okay. It is really hard to keep the attention of 20 4-6 year olds. They are so cute though. It is hard not to think how much fun Stanton would be having. Would he be one of the ones who didn’t know which base to run to? I know he would be one of the ones who would only want to bat.

Emma Grace is still in ICU and having a roller coaster ride. Barney is back on the road a little so be sure and stop by and drop them both a note, I know it was hard for him to go and for Trish to let him go. Nancy, Ali’s mom has actually been up there and been a HUGE support for Trish. She is amazing being able to go back so soon. Many of you asked about a website for Ali and her friends have done one for her and it is on Emma Grace’s site. Stop by and let Nancy know we are all still thinking of her.

I also want to thank everyone who continues to sign the guestbook or email me directly about how you are enjoying the journal entries. I love to hear the stories about how something made a difference in your life. Some of them even give me ideas for more journal entries. I am sure if you are still coming back it is for the devotions because our life is pretty boring with no Stanton stories to tell.

Once again an email devotional caught my attention. I guess because this is a devotional topic that I come across a good deal (maybe God trying to get my attention). The topic is contentment. How content are you at this exact moment? How content are you in your job, your life, your possessions, your walk with God? Pretty tough questions.

In Phillipians chapter 4 Paul is writing a letter (I believe) and in verse 12 he writes “I know what it is to be in need, and I know what it is to have plenty, I have learned the secret of being content in any and every situation, whether well fed or hungry, whether living in plenty or in want.” Okay so you are saying what is the big deal with this. Paul is writing this while under house arrest. How can he be content.

How do you find contentment? It is not believing you situation will improve, or comparing your situation to others whose might be worse or even hoping in a few months you will get exactly what you want. The secret to contentment is making the most of what you have.

You have children-love them, play with them, let them sleep with you, let them make a mess once in a while, most importantly spend time with them.

You have a job-love your job, do it to the very best of your ability

You have a house/a car-don’t worry that it is not as big as your neighbors. Make it a home-it is not how big it is but what you do and teach inside of it that counts.

You have God-share him with as many people as possible. His is the one love that can never be taken away.

I am the first person to admit that there was a time in my life when material possessions were very important to me. I don’t think I have to tell you that that is no longer an issue. I have learned some very hard lessons and this was one of them. I encourage you if you are reading this to sit down and prioritize the things most important to you. Be honest with yourself and first of all if God is not first then that is where you need to start. If God is first then I encourage you to think about how you spend your time and if you spend it all wisely. I can tell you that if you don’t have time for some quiet time with God at least once during each day then He is not first. I can also tell you that if you spend so much time at work that you don’t see your children or your wife/husband something needs to change. If your children or wife/husband have to get on your calendar to spend time with you probably need to think about it. One thing that has stuck in my mind from a devotional months ago is “If God were to give you only His grace, would that be sufficient?” Would you be content with that? If He took away everything that you had would you be content. Once again, a hard lesson learned. He did take from me something that He only loaned me to begin with and I am having to learn to be content in that.

Just a few points for you to ponder. Let me know what you think. I love hearing from everyone.

His Grace is Sufficient
Tina

Okay, I cannot believe that with all of the people who read this website that Michael Waltrip is not winning the most popular driver contest. I am begging all of you to do this for us. I want Michael to know how much all he has done means to us. It is very simple. Just click on the link below and check Michael Waltrip. You can vote every day so there is no reason we can't show him what a difference Stanton warriors can make.

Wednesday, April 20, 2005 9:54 PM CDT

Another day down. It is spring break for Hayden so he spent the day with my dad. From what he said I think they had a good day. Some much needed Pepaw time, Hayden was the only grandchild for 10 years and daddy’s first boy so they are very close.

I wish I could say that things were getting easier for us but that would not be true. It seems as each day the pain gets worse and I miss Stanton more and more. I find myself just wanting to hold him one more time knowing that would not be enough. Even though the days are tough I still turn to the one constant in my life, God. Mom/Dad-thank you so much for instilling in me all of those years that God comes first. I will never forget the green bible and our early morning devotional even during spring break.

Tonight you will get an excerpt from “Grace for the Moment”

“The Fire In Your Heart”

Psalm 40:8

My God I want what you want. Your teachings are in my heart.

“Want to know God’s will for your life? Then answer this question: What ignites your heart? Forgotten orphans? Untouched nations? The inner city? The outer limits?

Heed the fire within!

Do you have a passion to sing? Then sing! Are you stirred to manage? Then manage! Do you ache for the ill? Then treat them! Do you hurt for the lost? Then teach them!

As a young man I felt the call to preach. Unsure if I was correct in my reading of God’s will for me, I sought the counsel of a minister I admired. His counsel still rings true. ‘Don’t preach,’ he said ‘unless you have to’.

As I pondered his words I found my answer. ‘I have to. If I don’t the fire will consume me.’

What is the fire that consumes you?”

This prompted much thought on my part. I think it is something I needed to hear because I have been pondering what it is God has in store for me next.

Searching for the fire
Tina

Tuesday, April 19, 2005 8:44 PM CDT

Just another day in our world. Sorry about the whiney update last night but I am just having those kinds of days lately.

It is spring break so Jamie, Mom and the girls met me for lunch today. Lori was brave enough to go with me and as usual it was a “zoo” as Hayden would say. We used to say a circus but Hayden reminded us that in a circus the animals are tamed and in our world they are not. It was great to get to see them and have lunch though.

I want to share one of my email devotionals tonight. It was one that sounded familiar so I don’t know if I have shared it with you or not.

The Strong Hold of Fear

Isaiah 41:13, “For I am the LORD your God, who takes hold of your right hand and says to you, Do not fear; I will help you.”

False
Evidences
Appearing
Real

I am sure I have your attention now because I don’t know of anyone who can say that they have never experienced fear in their lives. I know I have had more than my share. This devotion was a great reminder that as I fear, Satan laughs. He knows that if we are fearful than he has gotten his foot in the door. Each of us has experienced fear at different levels at different times in our lives, sometimes even worrying about things that may never happen.

The author’s example of her greatest fear was at one time my greatest fear as well and has since become a reality, losing a child. You hear of so many things happening to kids these days it seems natural that this would be a fear of any parent.

Fear can be defined as the active feeling of losing CONTROL. Satan loves to deceive us into thinking that we are in control. Since he cannot be in control he loves to trick us into thinking that we are. I don’t know about you all but I know that there is no room in my life for Satan in any fashion including fear.

Fear eventually affects our behavior, attitudes and emotions negatively. For example:
1. We fear trying new things; really living out life’s great adventures: This fear causes us to miss out on some great opportunites. Maybe it is a new job or even a fun hobby.
2. We stifle our children’s independence: This is not telling you to let your kids do things that are harmful but to allow them to do normal childhood things without an unnessecary fear on your part. “Let them be little”.
3. We waste time: Time you spend worrying is time you could have spent doing something much more productive, possibly making the difference in the life of someone.

The scriptures tell us to fear only one thing, GOD. Proverbs 9:10 “The fear of the LORD is the beginning of wisdom.” How can this be? It proves we put our trust in nothing but GOD. We shift our attempts at control over to the one who has ABSOLUTE control. To grasp’s God’s peace and to see it stop the flood of worry and anxiety and fill in the canyon of fear in our hearts, we must trust everything dear to us to the God whose love for us is perfect. God has conquered Satan. God has conquered any evil that might come our way. He has even conquered death. He has everything under control.

Another devotional I came across is similar entitled “Standing in the Storm”. It refers to Psalm 62 and about waiting on the Lord. David actually wrote this Psalm amd his troubles. No matter how harsh your storm or how deep your grief and trouble, God is in control, and all that He asks of us is that we wait on Him. He will equip us to handle the storm and ultimately deliver you in His time.

I will admit that this devotional one that is much easier for me to type than to live. I do have control problems, I think I always have. It is okay that I stumble with these fears but on a daily basis sometimes even more than once I have to stop and listen. I then say a prayer letting go and letting God. Some of my hardest prayers come when I remind myself in prayer that it is not my will but God’s. I know with Stanton it took some time to get to a point where I could actually pray that prayer. I also know that after that prayer there was a sense of peace. I wanted Stanton healed. I got my wish only in God’s way. I know with a teenage son fear is an issue that I will continue to struggle with and will continue to start each day turning over everything I have and everything I am over to Him.

Letting Go
Tina

Thank you for whoever left the CD at the angel garden. We loved it.

Monday, April 18, 2005 9:57 PM CDT

APRIL 19: HAPPY BIRTHDAY SHERRI!!!! I wanted to put this on here in the morning so any of my Memphis friends could stop by and tell Sherri Happy Birthday! Sherri-you have meant and continue to mean more to me and my family than you will ever know. You are an incredible woman who God has blessed with a HUGE heart! Thank you for being who you are and for loving us and our kids like we were your own!

Warning: Broken heart-contents pouring. This is one of those entries where you are getting raw emotion, straight from the bottom of my heart. I know you all are probably wondering what happened? She had such a good weekend. This is true, my weekend was great which may explain part of my bottom out today.

On the way to work something hit me like a ton of bricks. My mind started going back to the day we were told Stanton had about 2 weeks. Moments that I had put in the back of my mind were like they were yesterday. I could almost smell the hospital room from the night that he passed away. I was completely on the edge. Right as I was about to go over the edge the song “I Can Only Imagine” came on the radio. It was like Stanton telling me what heaven is like. I could almost hear him say “Mom, if you could only imagine how beautiful it is here and how great I feel.” This brought me enough comfort to get me into work but the whole day I battled my mind. I know this will get easier but for today I felt so weak. Needless to say God and I had many conversations today and as usual He carried me because I could not walk on my own.

I went and talked to one of the doctors at the hospital. Dr. Brown-thank you for being such an incredible Christian man. You are so easy to talk to and seem so genuinely concerned. You help me to remember that I am not weak and that it is okay for God to carry me for a while.

He asked me one question and I am embarrassed that I had no answer for him. The question related to friends and I must admit it is during times like we have been through that you find out who your real friends are. So much of me wants to be back in Memphis where people understand.

We had T-Ball practice tonight and I talked to the parents a little about what my reason for coaching was. I also told the parents that before every practice and every game they would find me kneeling beside the dugout saying a prayer. I invited any parent that wanted to join me to come along. For anyone in Minden reading this if you have a child playing t-ball and you are playing at the same time we are please feel free to come join us. I want the kids to learn how to play t-ball but I also want them to learn sportsmanship, how to be a team player and how to put God in the center of everything that you do. Children learn by example and what better example than for them to see their parents praying for them before a game.

When I got home tonight and had quiet time God actually led me back to a devotional that I had several months ago.

Psalm 46:10

“Be still and know that I am God; I will be exalted among the nations, I will be exalted in the earth.”

I actually have this verse on my keychain. “Be Still and KNOW that I am GOD!” What a powerful statement. I think this might be what God was telling me when he played “I can only Imagine” this morning. We too often get going to fast to stop and listen. I find myself even during quiet time reading my devotional, Bible and then praying never really taking the time to listen to what God might be saying. So stop-in the silence seek Him, know Him. Know that He alone controls every moment of your day. He ordains all of the challenges that you will face and HE holds the solution. What an AWESOME God we have that cares so much for us and he longs for us to listen to Him.

Emma Grace is still on the ventilator in ICU so please keep those prayers coming. Nancy, Ali’s mom went to see them today. Nancy-I am so proud of you, you are a much bigger person than I am. Thanks for continuing to be there for Trish during your difficult time.

Listening
Tina

Sunday, April 17, 2005 10:10 PM CDT

First of all a couple of thank you’s. Thank you Hayden for updating when you knew I wouldn’t be able to. Most of all thank you Karla for a day that I needed VERY much. I truly was able to “escape” for a day. Debbie-I enjoyed the visits both coming and going from Dallas. Although our situations are a little different I think we both learned from each other. Thank you for just being you. Karla-thank you for just being FUN!!!

I guess you all get the idea that I enjoyed my girls day out yesterday. Once again, for a short time I was able to go back imaginary land.

Today has been one of not doing much. Hayden is taking a lifeguard class so I went with him to Gary and Sarah’s to swim. I used this time to just lay in the sun and read. I read a story in a magazine that really was sent from God at just the right time for me. It was called “The Hallway of Transition”. It spoke of the different rooms in a house and the purposes that each room serves. Then it talks about a hallway and the purpose that it serves, to get from one room to another, a transition. The author compares our lives to the rooms but mostly the hallway. It is in the transitions that we often get scared, question God, blame God or get just plain angry. Perhaps you are in a hallway right now in which you have prayed and don’t seem to get any answers. Don’t forget that God is always with you even in the darkest of halls.

Just like each room in a house had a purpose, God has a purpose for you. It is a unique and a purpose that only you can complete. Nothing in your life that happens is an accident. God knows everything that you are experiencing. Everything that you go through has a purpose from God. I guess this is one statement that I have clung to during the last 2 years. It helped to know that God had a plan and a purpose for what seemed like an unbearable journey at times. I love to look back now and see how God’s plan has played out and how he used people in my life long before Stanton even existed to help me through Stanton’s journey. Proverbs 4:18 “The path of the just is like the shining sun that shines even brighter unto the perfect day.”

I loved reading the article and the people in the Bible that he talked about because they are some of my favorite and actually a couple of Stanton’s. I have talked about Job in my journals before. The trials that he went through were unimaginable yet his faith in God stayed true. One thing in the story of Job is that God never explained to Job why he had put him through so many trials. God doesn’t have to explain anything to us and when we get a chance to ask Him we aren’t going to care.

Another story he used was Noah. This is where my tears started because this was a story that Stanton loved so. Noah trusted God and His plans for him without question.

In our lives we go through hallways that God puts us in situations where we must truly rely on faith. That could not be a truer statement. What we must remember that these hallways are just paths to get you from your past to your future. During the dark times in your life you will learn compassion, love and understanding. You will be able to use your experiences to help others in the future. Your heartaches may be used to help others some where down the road.

During the dark hallways God will speak to you a peace that passes any understanding. I know this because there have been so many times that when I should have been a wreck that something comes over me and I have such peace. God will be your anchor in the tough times.

The other story that brought tears was the story of Jonah. This was one that Stanton could tell easily and he did so often.

If you are in a long, dark hallway please know that there is hope in Jesus Christ. He can take you through the dark hallway and turn it into a bridge into the future.

Using God as my Light in the hallway
Tina

By the way, Michael Waltrip came in 6th today. Congratulations Michael! I know you had a little blond blue eyed angel cheering you on as well as his entire family.

Saturday, April 16, 2005 10:44 PM CDT

Hey its Hayden,
Mom is outa town and wont be back till late tonight so i decided i should update for her, realy not much to say. we all did something different to day none of us where at home, none of us were with each other, and we are so greatful that today we were all with our friends. And I can speak for everyone in my house when i say that is something we've been longing for, but just havent tried.

Mom is in Dallas,TX doing... guess... Shopping with some friends, i would say there names but i dont remember who they were. Needless to say i think she had fun. Mom i am glad you got your much needed day off. I hope you had fun.

Dad went fishing today with dennis gaston a good friend of his and then went to summer field to hang with his other family. Mr. Dennis and dad and summerfield crew. hope yall had fun.

For me it was a different story i got up at 6:30 to go to work for 10 hours today so i am very tired. Me and my friend kerry worked from about 730 to 530. Kerry- thancks for all the words of advice and for helping with my jobs today you are a great friend thanks!!!

NO devotional to night sorry.

well after my very long day i am going to bed.
Goodnight!
Hayden

Friday, April 15, 2005 9:48 PM CDT

One year, how much can happen in one year? We got a pretty good lesson in that this year. Last April 15 we learned that Stanton’s cancer had returned. We didn’t know to what extent but we knew it was back and that was not good news. I remember the look on Dr. Furman’s face. I think he might have been more surprised than we were. I remember Stanton saying “What’s wrong mommy?” I remember wanting my family only to open the door to the exam room and being surrounded by St. Jude staff waiting to offer support. It was at that moment that I realized I WAS with family. Most of the rest of the day was a blur with many phone calls made the most difficult one being to Trish. We were back in the battle together. There is one more moment that is pretty vivid. Stanton and Jeff were downstairs in the playroom and I decided it was time for God and I to have some serious conversation. I decided that He knew what I was feeling so there was no need to keep it inside. I had never really gotten angry the first time Stanton was diagnosed, well this time I was FURIOUS! Stanton had done his time, this was not fair. Believe it or not there was a peace that came at the end of our conversation which ended with me telling God out loud that this was in His hands. Stanton was His and I would do my best to do whatever He led me to.

I like to think that I kept my promise to God. I prayed about every decision made, tried not to worry (not to say that I never worried), and tried to use our journey to glorify God. I have to admit there were and still are many days I just stop and say “Come on God Why?” Barney has a favorite saying that he reminded me of when I would get to feeling down. “He never promised a perfect life just His perfect love.”

Today I had a doctors appointment.. Something that should have been pretty uneventful until I was filling out the paperwork and some of the questions were how many times have you been pregnant? (3) How many live births have you had? (2) How many living children do you have? (1). It was about this time a panic attack set in. Not only was I forced to bring up the death of my baby but also remember the child before Stanton that never happened. As I sat in the office it seemed a little strange to be there for me. It has been a while since I have taken care of me.

I got a new devotional book from a friend (Thank you so much Leslie I love it). It is pretty similar to “Grace for the Moment”. Today’s devotion was titled “We Have Hope”

Revelation 21:4

He will remove all of their sorrows, and out there will be no more death or sorrow or crying or pain. For the old world and its evils are gone forever.

It tells of a tragedy that happened on April 14-15, 1912, the sinking of the Titanic. This was an interesting fact that I did not know. This is just one example of a large scale tragedy. As you know there are tragedies in many degrees but the one constant in all of them is that this life is temporary. God promises us that when we get home there will be no more sorrow or despair. I find great comfort in knowing Stanton no longer has pain or cancer.

Special prayer requests: Emma Grace is still in ICU on the ventilator basically bouncing back and forth.

Ali’s celebration service will be in the morning at 10:00 so please remember her family as they travel the next leg of the journey.

Christal, our friend I have mentioned in earlier journals got some news that no parent wants to hear. The tumors in her brain did not respond to the chemo at all, in fact they actually got bigger. I do not know the plans from here but will keep you posted.

I will probably not journal tomorrow. I am having an adult girls day out to Dallas with Karla. We should have a lot of fun.

Resting In His Arms
Tina

Special Happy Birthday to my brother-in-law, Dakota. It is hard to believe you are 17. It seems like just yesterday Jeff was using you trying to get a girlfriend. I am so proud of the teenager you have become. Know that I am always here for you. I love you!

Thursday, April 14, 2005 10:18 PM CDT

I think this will be short and sweet. I had a state HIM convention in Alexandria today so I met a couple of friends and we headed south. This required me getting up a little earlier than usual but I survived. It was a great drive down. Angela, Jan and I had some great conversation.

On the agenda was a BIG surprise for Angela. She was named LHIMA Distinguished Member which is a big deal. They invite your family down but it is all a surprise so I was trying to coordinate with Bill in making sure they got there but that Angela did not see them. We actually pulled off a complete surprise. Angela-I am so proud of you not only for your professional accomplishments but seeing Bill come in with your 2 beautiful children was a site to behold. You were so right in saying that they are your greatest accomplishment.

As we headed home I couldn't help but think what a normal day it had been. It was then that it hit that although the day was so normal life when I got home would not be. I hate when Satan tries to enter my life and make me feel guilty for feeling "normal". I got an email about this but will share later, after all a very wise woman once told me that normal was just a setting on a washing machine (Thanks Trish).

As anniversaries go tomorrow is "relapse" day. It was on this day one year ago that we found out Stanton had relapsed. I know you all wonder how in the world I can remember all of these days I can just tell you I can. Please pray for us as we battle yet one more difficult day.

Thank you all for your continued support and prayers. I love hearing from you all.

One Set Only
Tina

Wednesday, April 13, 2005 9:59 PM CDT

2 months-How could a time frame seem like it was yesterday but also feel like years ago. I can’t believe it has been 2 months since I last got to kiss and hug Stanton. I know he has had a great 2 months living in his eternal home free of cancer. Today was a day that was very hard. Of course the first thing I thought of when I woke up was it has been 2 months. Many people also remembered which I was surprised. Joyce-thank you for the flowers only you would think to do something like that. For all of you who signed the guestbook or emailed me thank you for remembering us on this difficult day.

Another thing that was hard that I wasn’t expecting was I went to watch Mary Claire sing at her end of the year program. I was so happy to be getting to do some of the things that I have missed the last 2 years. It never occurred to me that Stanton was old enough to go to choir. So as I sat there and watched all of his friends sing I was reminded of something else that I will miss doing with Stanton. I tried to hide the tears but it was hard.

Again, I think the longer we go the harder it is for us because everyone else’s life goes on and ours at times seems to stand still. I just don’t want Stanton and his fight to be forgotten.

For some reason the last couple of nights I have had trouble with the right devotionals to share with you but at that moment I will get something that I need to share. I got this from my email just before I started updating and loved it.

*_THE STORM_*

Years ago, I was enthralled as I listened to a pastor who for several
years had faithfully served the church. His executive responsibilities had taken him all over this country. As he concluded his message, he told of one of the most frightening yet thought-provoking experiences of his life.

He had been on a long flight from one place to another. The first
warning of the approaching problems came when the sign on the airplane flashed on: Fasten your seat belts. Then, after a while, a calm voice said, "We shall not be serving the beverages at this time as we are expecting a little turbulence. Please be sure your seat belt is fastened."

As he looked around the aircraft, it became obvious that many of the
passengers were becoming apprehensive. Later, the voice of the announcer said, "We are so sorry that we are unable to serve the meal at this time. The turbulence is still ahead of us."

And then the storm broke. The ominous cracks of thunder could be heard even above the roar of the engines. Lightening lit up the darkening skies, and within moments that great plane was like a cork tossed around on a celestial ocean. One moment the airplane was lifted on terrific currents of air; the next, it dropped as if it were about to crash.

The pastor confessed that he shared the discomfort and fear of those
around him. He said, "As I looked around the plane, I could see that
nearly all the passengers were upset and alarmed. Some were praying.
The future seemed ominous and many were wondering if they would make it through the storm.

Then, I suddenly saw a little girl. Apparently the storm meant nothing
to her. She had tucked her feet beneath her as she sat on her seat; she was reading a book and everything within her small world was calm and orderly.

Sometimes she closed her eyes, then she would read again; then she would straighten her legs, but worry and fear were not in her world. When the plane was being buffeted by the terrible storm when it lurched this way and that, as it rose and fell with frightening severity, when all the adults were scared half to death, that marvelous child was completely composed and unafraid." The minister could hardly believe his eyes.

It was not surprising therefore, that when the plane finally reached its
destination and all the passengers were hurrying to disembark, our
pastor lingered to speak to the girl whom he had watched for such a long time. Having commented about the storm and behavior of the plane, he asked why she had not been afraid.

The child replied, "Cause my Daddy's the pilot, and he's taking me home."

There are many kinds of storms that buffet us.
Let us remember: Our Father is the Pilot.
He is in control and taking us home. *Don't worry

Trusting My Pilot
Tina

Tuesday, April 12, 2005 9:19 PM CDT

UPDATE APRIL 13: Trish called me last night and told me that our friend Ali had won her battle and earned her angel wings last night. She does not have a website but if you would like to leave her a message Trish and I will print what is left on our guestbook and send it to her.

How many of you know where you were at this exact minute 2 months ago? Probably not many. I do, I was lying in bed next to a very sick little boy while he decided who would sleep next to him. I won out and lay next to him and watched him until about 12:30. Little did I know that within hours of me shutting my eyes Stanton would take his last breath. Yes, he always did things exactly as he wanted including going with Jesus. He wanted to be by himself. We knew he wasn’t scared. He had told of us of the children coming to visit him. But one last time I fell asleep with him by my side.

I wish I could say the pain has lessened but if anything it has gotten worse. People say all of the time “you look great”. I wish they could see the inside and the HUGE void that perhaps will never be filled or even get smaller. I think I have described it before as raw, gut wrenching pain.

What have I done with the 2 months since Stanton earned his angel wings. I have continued to grow in my walk with Christ. No, I don’t have the answers to all of the questions that I have but what I do know is that God makes no mistakes. There is a plan for me, Jeff and Hayden. I love to read Hayden’s journal entries and see that he draws his strength from the same place that Jeff and I do and that is in the Bible. He truly is a remarkable kid.

I wish I had a great devotional for tonight but I don’t. I just ask for continued prayer for all of us as we continue the journey with a BIG piece of the map missing. Pray that we will continue to use Stanton’s experience in a way that will glorify God.

Please don’t forget all of our St. Jude friends still in the fight, Emma Grace, Ali, Jake just to name a few.

I will close with a poem that was written for Stanton by Brenda Werner:

Hugs and Kisses From Heaven

I know you miss my smiling face
And the twinkle in my eye.
But please don’t cry and be so sad.
We’ll meet again …by and by.

I send you hugs and lots of kisses
From this beautiful place I’m in.
There’s so many things for me to do,
I don’t know where to begin.

The sun is always shining.
Just like the brightest day.
So there is lots of time for me
To laugh and sing and play.

I never seem to get too tired
Or have to take a nap,
And if I want to sit awhile
I just crawl in Jesus’ lap.

He tells the “bestest” stories
And He holds me everyday.
There’s nothing to be afraid of
The cancer has gone away.

So please don’t cry when you think of me,
Cause I’m not very far away.
And we will get to hug again
When it’s your turn to fly some day.

Broken but not Hopeless
Tina

Monday, April 11, 2005 9:50 PM CDT

Hey guys its Hayden, doing an update for my mom, sry it wont be as long.
Today it was a horrible day in MInden it rained and stormed most of the day, the first thing that came to my mind is that it is approaching the 2 months since stanton went to heaven, and the devil is mad because even in heaven he is still touching and saving so many lives.
Tonights devotional is short but sweet.
A man was driving home after being gone for 8 months and he gets lost in the middle of no where ,but it happened to be in front of a farm. The man pulled out a flashlight and looked at his map. Then glancing over at the farm he saw a family a mom fixing dinner while two kids snuggled in their fathers lap laughing at the book he is reading. This got the man miserable missing his family, the man describes his feelings as you wouldnt understand unless you lost a husbasnd or wife or you burried your child.<><> after reading this i knew exactly what he felt.
Stantons not in this shelter anymore he is at his final adress that God prepared for him. so think about this today. Eccles 3:11 God has set eternity in the hearts of men. ***REMEMBER*** you aint at home so don't put you feet on the coffee table. Think about that and see where it takes you.
Stanton i dno if heaven has internet or not but if it does, bubby loves you very much, and i miss you all the way to disney world, the moon, to GRANDMAWS house, and back. I love you and willl be with you faster than you know it.
Loving in Gods Arms
HAYDEN

Sunday, April 10, 2005 8:44 PM CDT

Today has been a very uneventful day. This can be good or bad. Sometimes it is not good when I have too much down time although I took a nap so it must have been needed downtime.

Usually I share a devotional of mine each night but tonight I want to share the sermon that we had in church this morning (I hope you don’t mind Brother Wayne but it was incredible). This sermon stirred so many emotions in me that I cannot even begin to tell you what they were. It was entitled “How to Have and Abundant Life”. Brother Wayne pointed out 6 ways to have an abundant life and with each he used great examples. I will not be able to share all of the examples because I could not write fast enough.

1) Deal in forgiveness: Matthew 18:21-22- you can’t live an abundant life in you hold a grudge and let it bother you all the time. God tells us to forgive 7 times 70. I know this is one of my weak areas. I usually am able to forgive but I tend to have a problem forgetting which is just as bad.

2) Learn to trust God with ALL of your problems: Matthew 6:25-26- Boy did it take God hitting me over the head with a sledgehammer to learn this lesson. Don’t worry about tomorrow just live for today. Once again I will remind you that you are not guaranteed a tomorrow (another very hard lesson learned). I wish I could say that I never worry but I can’t but what I can tell you that when worry creeps in, the first thing I do is turn to God.

3) Punch the fun button: Proverbs 17:22- God doesn’t intend for Christians not to have any fun. He sent you on the journey and He wants you to enjoy it.

4) Maintain and Attitude of Gratitude: Ephesians 5:20- I believe it was during this one that Sarah handed me a Kleenex, it really touched a nerve. COUNT YOUR BLESSINGS!!!!! Don’t look at other people and compare material things. Don’t look at what you don’t have but what you do. In Brother Wayne’s illustration he describes a very poor man who can’t afford to buy shoes for his 3 kids and while purchasing a used washing machine from a family who “had it all” or at least materially they did the one thing they didn’t have was a child who could wear his shoes our. You see there only child could not walk. I think this is why the man at the ballpark got under my skin so bad. I wanted to scream “Be thankful you have a child that can play ball.” Under the same category I also had to stop and think of all of the blessings God has given me one if even for a short time.

5) Believe in the Power of God and good- Psalm 73- Keep your faith in God no matter what the circumstances, in the end he will balance out the good and the evil. Good always wins out. Brother Wayne told a story about luck at this point and how there is no such thing as luck or at least my interpretation. God will mix up the good and the bad and then he will bring out the good.

6) Pray without ceasing: You don’t always have to have a formal prayer to talk to God. Sometimes if you were riding in the car with me you would think that there was another person in there with me and it is just me having a conversation with God. I know he hears and answers every single prayer that I pray. He might not answer the prayer by my will but His and this I have begun to understand. With this understanding comes knowing that His will is always what is best. I loved the question posed at the end of this point. God has a plan for your life. Will you follow it?

This is just a small summation of a GREAT sermon I think mainly directed at me. Thank you Brother Wayne for continuing to keep my eyes open.

On another note, if you all aren’t country music fans there is a song you need to hear (if you are I am sure you have heard it) by Billy Dean. It is called “Let them be little”. An incredible song about not wishing your children to grow up to fast. Just listen you will love it.

Holding His Hand
Tina

Saturday, April 9, 2005 7:39 PM CDT

I'll make up for last nights late entry with an early entry tonight. Today has been a good day with a few exceptions. Mary Claire and I got to have girl day. She got her new pink cast yesterday and I told her I would take her to get her nails painted today and she did not forget. Off we headed to the nail salon. I let her pick out the color and of course we had to match and it also needed to match her cast. So we now have "Barbie Pink" nails and toes. I wish you could have seen her laid back in her chair with her feet propped up. She was "relaxing". Of course, what else do you do on girls day. I have to say the man at the nail place (Regal Nails inside of Wal-Mart) was fabulous and made a BIG deal out of it. He even told her he thought she looked like a princess. Let me back up for Trish-When Mary Claire got here this morning Jamie had her name monogramed into her sling. "It was ugly just navy". I thought this amusing because when Stanton had to have TPN and carry his purple backpack I ask if I could have it monogrammed. From the nails Mary Claire really wanted to go to the angel garden. I said we could bring flowers but she said "I bet Stanton would love that dolphin balloon." How could I say no to that. So we bought the 6.00 dolphin balloon and headed to the angel garden. I must say her idea was incredible. This balloon shaped like a dolphin "swam" into the sky. It was a lot of fun to watch. As we blew kisses and hugs to heaven all I could think is "These are definately memories that I will have forever." When Jamie came to get her Mary Claire really did not want to go home. Mary Claire-thank you so much for a much needed girls day. I had a GREAT time. I love you more than my arms can reach.

I got an incredible letter in the mail yesterday. It really brought back part of why I am continuing to journal. If one person enjoys reading it I guess I will keep sharing my heart as well as my devotionals.

I have to say the one last night really hit a nerve with me. I had really never looked at things that way. As Christians we do have all the resources that we need all of the time. Some of the things that satan mentioned in his meeting were all to familiar to me. It was a gentle reminder of what is really important in life; God, my family and my friends. One thing I have learned is that you do find out your true friends when you travel the journey that we have.

Thank you all for your continued support and prayers for us as well as all of our St. Jude friends. Emma Grace had gotten off of the paralytic medicines and then had to be put back on because of to much stimulation. Overall she is improving it is just a slow process and she will need special prayers for weeks to come. Please continue to remember Nancy and Ali as they face every families nightmare.

Keeping the word BUSY out of my vocabulary
Tina

Friday, April 8, 2005 11:49 PM CDT

I know it is late, we enjoyed an evening out with Hank, Dana, Coltan and Hollan. Luckily I had a good devotional ready to share with you (thanks Amy)

satan's Staff Meeting

satan called a worldwide convention of demons. In his opening address he said, "We can't keep Christians from going to church. We can't keep them from reading their Bibles and knowing the truth. We can't even keep them from forming an intimate relationship with their Savior. Once they gain that connection with Jesus, our power over them is broken. So let them go to their churches; let them have their covered dish dinners, but steal their time, so they don't have time to develop a real relationship
with Jesus Christ."

"This is what I want you to do", said the devil. "Distract them from gaining hold of their Savior and maintaining that vital connection throughout their day!

"How shall we do this?" his demons shouted.

"Keep them busy in the nonessentials of life and invent innumerable schemes to occupy their minds," he answered:

a. Tempt them to spend, spend, spend, and borrow, borrow, borrow.

b. Persuade the wives to go to work for long hours and the husbands to work 6-7 days each week, 10-12 hours a day, so they can afford their empty lifestyles.

c. Keep them from spending time with their children. As their families fragment, soon, their homes will offer no escape from the pressures of work!

d. Over-stimulate their minds so that they cannot hear that 'still, small voice'.

e. Entice them to play the radio or cassette player whenever they drive...to keep the TV, VCR, CDs and their PCs going constantly in their home and see to it that every store and restaurant in the world plays non-biblical music constantly. This will jam their minds and break that
union with Christ.

f. Fill the coffee tables with magazines and newspapers. Pound their minds with the news 24 hours a day. Invade their driving moments with billboards. Flood their mailboxes with junk mail, mail order catalogs, sweepstakes, and every kind of newsletter and promotional offering free products, services and false hopes.

g. Keep skinny, beautiful models on the magazines and TV so their husbands will believe that outward beauty is what's important, and they'll become dissatisfied with their wives.

h. Keep the wives too tired to love their husbands at night. Give them headaches too! If they don't give their husbands the love they need, they will begin to look elsewhere. That will fragment their families quickly!

i. Give them Santa Claus to distract them from teaching their children the real meaning of Christmas.

j. Give them an Easter bunny so they won't talk about his resurrection and power over sin and death.

k. Even in their recreation, let them be excessive...have them return from their recreation exhausted. Keep them too busy to go out in nature and reflect on God's creation. Send them to amusement parks!, sporting events, plays, concerts, and movies instead. Again, over-stimulate them!

l. Keep them busy, busy, busy! And when they meet for spiritual fellowship, they will leave with troubled consciences.

m. Crowd their lives with so many good causes that they have no time to seek power from Jesus. Soon they will be working in their own strength, sacrificing their health and family for the good of the cause.

"I assure you, it will work! It will work!!!"

It was quite a plan! The demons went eagerly to their assignments causing Christians everywhere to have little time for their God or their families, and to have little or no time to tell others about the power of Jesus to change lives. I guess the question is, has the devil been successful at his scheme?

You be the judge!---

Does "busy" mean: B -eing U -nder S -atan's Y -oke?

Refusing to let Satan in
Tina

Special prayers for Emma Grace as she is continuing to improve in ICU but still on a ventilator and for another special neuroblastoma warrior who has actually been fighting for over 8 years. Allie has been in the hospital now for over 130 days and they are having to make very tough decisions.

Thursday, April 7, 2005 10:08 PM CDT

Today was one of those days when I didn’t physically feel good which makes for a very long day in general. I won’t go into detail but let’s just say it’s best to tiptoe around me for the moment. I am thankful to have great doctors who will do whatever it takes to make me feel better though.

Thank you so much Joyce, Leslie and Myla for taking care of me this morning. You guys are the greatest.

Okay, I loved my email devotional today! It is amazing that when you look for God’s guidance and wisdom he offers it in so many places. I have books to read, emails everyday, people to talk to and encourage me and then the things unseen. This Author, Van Walton talks about watching sea gulls on the beach in the winter. These birds want to be as close as possible to their possible food that they are willing to stand with one foot in the puddle of water while they warm the other one with their feathers, when they could put both feet in the sand and be comfortable. They were willing to be uncomfortable to be closer to their food.

His comparison is what hits so close to home. How often do we stand with one foot in the pool of life and the other in God’s will afraid we might miss something if we put both feet in God’s will. We will miss something alright but it will be nothing worth getting to begin with.

With only one foot in God’s will it allows opportunities for Satan to enter and try to have his way. Pretty hard to fight a battle on one leg. Too often we live in the world and at the same time stand on God’s grace. Drawn to what the world has to offer but also wanting God’s unconditional love.

When you place both feet in God’s will (pouring over bible study, spending time in prayer) you will be amazed at God’s ways and comforted by His spirit. You will want to reach out and help those in need, be less worried about yourself and more about others and able to provide a home environment in which your children will see God as the center of your life.

Lord-please forgive me when I try to stand on one foot, forgetting that there is only one place for my feet. My hope, my desires, and my longings belong firmly centered in Your Son.

Matthew 6:24

No one can serve 2 masters; for either he will hate the one and love the other, or else he will be loyal to one and despise the other. You cannot serve God and mammon.

One thing I have learned over the course of the last 2 years is the power of placing everything in God’s will. It was a very difficult thing for me to come to terms with since it was my baby’s life on the line but with this prayer came much comfort and the comfort continues as each day as I struggle through life without Stanton I just pray, reminding myself and God that everything I am and have is His. I continue to look to Him for guidance on where to go from here.

Standing Firm
Tina

Wednesday, April 6, 2005 9:52 PM CDT

Okay, so tonight's entry will be short and sweet. I am exhausted and ready to go to bed. Today was better than yesterday, not great but better.

Hayden and his team won their ballgame tonight which they really needed to let them know that they can win. Go Tide!!!!

I will forewarn you all of my latest devotionals have led me to 2 things: forgiveness and hope so rest assured I will share at some point.

Don't forget Emma Grace and Jake, keep those prayers coming.

Only By His Grace
Tina

Mo-I will call you next week. I didn't want to bother you on your vacation. You guys better be having enough fun for all of us.

Tuesday, April 5, 2005 10:24 PM CDT

I had just about decided that I would start rating my days between a 1 and a 10 but then decided I am to hard on myself and this probably would not help matters. So, how was today, a little better than yesterday not as good as they have been before. Most people see me and think boy, she is doing great. I try to have a positive attitude hoping that if I make myself think it long enough it will actually work. My eyes give me away so those that know me know that I am going through a rough time right now. The pain is just gut wrenching. The hole that Stanton left seems to be getting bigger and bigger. Please don’t get me wrong. I do have good days, they just lately are being overshadowed by the bad ones. I know that God has such a bigger plan in mind for me, Jeff and Hayden. This is one thing that keeps me from getting to down. Do I think Stanton is proud of me right now, probably not. I know he is so happy where he is and he would want me to understand that and not cry for him so.

I am happy to report that I made it through T-Ball practice with no tears at least not on the field any way. We have a great group of kids but oh how hard it was not to imagine Stanton as one of them. How hard it was not to question why he would never get that opportunity. I think it will be good for me.

Jamie and the girls went to see Sesame Street Live tonight. Another reminder of something Stanton enjoyed and that I had a ball taking him to. I am sure he had much better seats than we ever bought.

You all know that I love music and really wish I could sing but that is not happening. One song that has really touched my heart lately is “How Could I Ask For More”. Here are the lyrics:

There's nothing like the warmth of a summer afternoon
Walking to the sunlight, and being cradled my the moon
Catching fireflies at night
Building castles in the sand
Kissing Mam's face goodnight
And holding Daddy's hand
Thank you Lord, how could I ask for more

Running barefoolt in the grass
A little hide and go seek
Being so in love, that you can hardly eat
Dancing in the dark, when there's no one else around
Being bundled 'neath the covers, watching snow
Fall to the ground
Thank you Lord, how could I ask for more

So many things I thought would bring me happiness
Some dreams that are realities today
Such an irony the things that mean the most to me
Are the memories that I've made along the way

So if there's anything I've learned
From this journey I am on
Simple truths will keep you going
Simple love will keep you strong
Cause there are questions without answers
Flames that never die
Heartaches we go through are often blessings in disguise
So thank you Lord, oh thank you Lord
How could I ask for more

I realize that I have been so caught up in my grief that I have not taken the time to thank God like I should be. I do have so much to be thankful for. It is the last 2 paragraphs that really hit hard. I can remember a time (pre-cancer) when I had my mind set on the things I needed to make me happy. I had it all, seemed to be living the American Dream-wonderful husband, kids, house, cars, job success, etc. That was then. Funny how things can change in the blink of an eye. Like the songs says, it is the memories now that I cherish more than anything. Something that money can’t buy, but also something that can never be taken from me either. Of course the last paragraph is the story of my last 2 years. It is the blessings that come from the heartache that I see occasionally and look forward to. I will be more conscious of counting my blessings. Regardless of my circumstances I am blessed beyond words.

Speaking of blessings I am going to mention one of those blessings; Jeff. He got me the neatest gift yesterday. It is a cross with one set of footprints and a ring to match. Inscribed on the back it says “It was then that I carried you”. What a reminder to me that God is always with me but a reminder that I am married to a wonderful husband and father who maintains the same beliefs as I do. He to believes in the power of God and prayer and during a time when it is easy to stray from these beliefs he has chosen to draw closer to them and remind me to do the same. Jeff-I love you so very much. I can’t imagine the journey without you.

Special continued prayer requests for Emma Grace. She is doing better but has a long way to go. Also Jake who is on his Make-A-Wish trip is in the hospital in Florida with a fever. Pray this will be brief and he will be able to enjoy the rest of his trip.

Thank You Lord
Tina
Stanton-I love you all the way to heaven and back. I miss you so very much. Thank you for watching out for me.

Monday, April 4, 2005 10:05 PM CDT

It has been a very emotional day for me. I hate being so far away when Trish needs me so. I so feel a little better knowing that she now has family in. Please just keep up the prayers for Emma Grace as the next day or so will be critical.

Hayden had a game tonight. They lost but I guess he did okay. He didn't get any hits but he at least put the bat on the ball.

Tomorrow will be another one of those baby steps for me. I have volunteered to help my brother-in-law coach t-ball and we have our first practice tomorrow. This will be hard because this is the year that Stanton would be playing so watching the other kids may hit me pretty hard but it is something I want to do. If you remember Jamie and Scotty made it possible for Stanton to play t-ball for a couple of games last year. Talk about memories that we will never forget.

I will end with a copy of my email devotional for today. After you read it I don't know how you could doubt God sends me just what I need to hear.

God's Presence in Hard Times
Genesis 37:12-36

We are hurting, circumstances are outside our control, and we see no
relief for the future. What can we be sure of?

God is with us in our troubles. God's presence through His Spirit
comforts us because He knows us intimately. He gives us what we need-His
love and strength, a sense of security, and the knowledge that we are not
alone. Our Lord understands what it is like to suffer, to be rejected,
or to lose a loved one. He comprehends the temptations and obstacles we
face. He has assigned Himself the task of carrying His children's
burdens (Psalm 68:19) and offers peace for our hurting hearts. The God who
walks with us is not limited by anything, so we need not be afraid.
(Matthew 19:26)

God has a purpose for allowing hard times. The story of Joseph clearly
illustrates this truth. Joseph's brothers sold him into slavery, but
God planned that these years would prepare him to become Prime Minister
of Egypt. Joseph could not see God's purpose-and neither will we most of
the time-but he knew God's character and trusted Him through his many
trials. His faith was rewarded when he was able to rescue his family.
(Genesis 45:1-8)

We are called to live a life of faith. That means believing God's
promises even if our circumstances confound us. When troubles surround you,
remember what is true. God will never leave you nor forsake you
(Hebrews 13:5) and His good purposes will be carried out. (Philippians 2:13)

I know from experience that sometimes during the hard times it is so hard to feel God's love while other times during the hard times it is so easy to feel His arms wrap around you.

Wrapped in His Arms
Tina

Sunday, April 3, 2005 9:24 PM CDT

UPDATE ONE MORE TIME: Trish lost her cell phone so if you are trying to get her that way you can't. Barney asked me to put his phone number on here for anyone who is trying to get in touch with them 479-601-5453.

UPDATE APRIL 4: Please check Emma Grace's site for her news from the night. It was a pretty rough night for her. www.caringbridge.org/ar/emmagrace

What a weekend! We started Saturday with the fundraiser for Emilie and Tinothy (2 St. Jude families from Minden). People had done this for us when we were in need and it was always so fun to hear the stories about how much fun everyone had. I hated not being there and being the benefactor so I finally got a chance to return the favor (partially at least). We had a great time and I have no idea any figures but I know we sold a lot of fish.

From there Jeff and I packed and headed to Toledo Bend to speak to the Louisiana Oilmans Bass Association at there fishing tournament for St. Jude. I wish I could say that my speech went great but unfortunately I still am not up to par. It really bothers me because this is something that I enjoy so much. I feel like I am giving back part of what St. Jude gave us. I hope ALSAC will be patient with me and not give up on me.

From there it was a little rest and relaxation for Jeff and I. I think it was the first time in 2 ½ years that we had actually been by ourselves. It was great but I would have done anything to have had Stanton there with us. I know that people say time heals but right now the longer it has been the bigger the hole inside of me gets. Every moment that I am not busy I am thinking of Stanton (good times and bad).

Emma Grace is still in ICU. The pneumonia has spread to both of her lungs and she is a very sick little girl. I think they have identified 2 bacteria and she is on 75xygen. Please just keep those prayers coming for her and Trish. I hate being so far away and feel so helpless. UPDATE 10:00-I just talked to Barney and they have put Emma Grace on a ventilator to give her body a break. She won't have to struggle to breath so maybe her body will heal faster. The doctors maintain that this is a precautionary measure and they just want to help Emma Grace but after seeing so many children on vents I am sure Trish is beside herself. I wish more than anything I could be there for her.

My devotional tonight comes from a devotional book for Moms. It is on the topic of faith. This is a subject that I can never get enough of.

Mark 4:26-27
Jesus also said, “Here is another illustration of what the kingdom of God is like: A farmer planted seeds in a field, and then he went on with his other activities. As the days went by, the seeds sprouted and grew without the farmers help.”

The lesson talked about planting tulip bulbs with your children and waiting on the bulbs to bloom. This will prompt questions such as “Why do we have to wait on the flowers?” or “How do we know they will be red?”

These questions pose similar ideas about our Christian faith. In both situations we learn that we need to follow instructions and then wait on God to work. When we plant bulb we follow the instructions on the package, wait on growth and then enjoy the beauty (or most of us do. For me I may plant them but the growth seldom comes). The same is true for our faith. The Bible gives us instructions from God. We must trust these instructions and choose to obey His guidelines and directions for our lives and then we wait for the beauty. As I have learned and continue to learn is that this growth does not happen immediately. It takes time. How much time? I have no idea because I am still growing.

Continuing to trust Him
Tina

Friday, April 1, 2005 10:08 PM CST

To tell you all how special my niece is to me I will start by telling you that I was at the hospital by 6:45 this morning (yes, 2 early mornings in one month what is the world coming to). Her last words to me last night were “I love you and I will see you in the morning”. Do you think I wasn’t going to be there? Mary Claire did well during her surgery. Dr. Talbert said that it was a little more difficult than he expected but he was able to get all the bones pinned back together without having to open up her elbow. She was a trooper and will be in a good deal of pain for the next few days. I guess I will just have to spoil her just a little.

My other adopted niece is still in ICU in Memphis. They were trying to get her to the 4th floor this afternoon but the last time I talked to Trish Emma Grace still had a lot of fluid on her lung and she needed her oxygen levels monitored carefully. Her blood pressure has been okay which is good.

I will not update tomorrow as it will be a busy one for us. We will help with the fundraiser for Emilie and Timothy tomorrow morning. For all of you Mindenites who have not gotten tickets you can get them tomorrow at the First Baptist Church Parking lot. I can tell you from firsthand experience how much pressure these fundraisers take off of the parents and allow them to focus on their sick child. So, I will be looking for all of you there.

From the fish fry we will be heading to Toledo bend to speak at a fishing tournament on behalf of St. Jude. This will speech number 2 please pray that it will go better than speech one. It will also be a nice break for Jeff and I.

So, noone be alarmed when I don’t journal tomorrow I will catch you up on Sunday.

Looking to the Son
Tina

Thursday, March 31, 2005 9:36 PM CST

What a day! First of all I have had a rough week. I don't want to mask my feelings so what you see is what you get. This week I have missed Stanton more each day it seems. It is this deep RAW hurt. There are times I can almost feel him lying beside me in bed. I promise you that unless you have experienced this you have no idea how bad it hurts. I try to be strong. My mind tells me one thing but my heart is aching soooooooo bad. The only thing that gets me through each day is my conversations with God and yes there are many of them and the hope of knowing that my life here on earth is only a short time compared to the eternity I will spend with Stanton in heaven.

It is nothing like a little excitement to break up my little pity party. If you read the earlier update you will see I received a call from Barney saying they were putting Emma Grace in ICU because she has pneumonia.

As if this was not enough excitement, on my way home my sister calls me on my cell phone and says "we were hoping you were closer to home, we need a second opinion we think Mary Claire may have broken her arm." I get Mary Claire on the phone and just listening to her describe where she was hurting I suggested they meet me at the hospital which is what we did. By the way she fell off of the swing. The x-rays confirmed that she has broken her elbow! Yes, our family does nothing simple. After we looked at the x-rays I had a hunch of what the orthopedic was going to tell us but I didn't say anything to Jamie and my hunch was right. Mary Claire will be having surgery tomorrow morning to put pins in her elbow. The doctor gave her the choice to go home or spend the night at the hospital and she chose the hospital. He agreed it might not be a bad idea so they could watch the swelling under the splint.

This in itself was an experience. I got to sit in the waiting room where Stanton was diagnosed, walk by the CT scanner, etc. I can say while I sat there and waited on Mary Claire to finish her x-rays I relived January 2, 2003 just like it was yesterday. I could almost feel Stanton asleep in my lap. Talk about hard.

These emotions were easily hidden when Mary Claire came back. Her pain medicine had kicked in and her tolerance for medicine is no where near where Stanton's was. She became a motor mouth and kept us quite entertained. I have always enjoyed the brutal honesty of children but the brutal honesty of children on drugs is priceless.

So, please pray for Emma Grace-that this will be an uneventful bout and be over quickly. For Trish-being a one man show isn't easy. For Mary Claire-that her surgery goes well. For Dr. Talbert as he operates on Mary Claire that he fixes exactly what needs to be fixed. For Jamie and Scotty peace while they wait on Mary Claire to finish surgery. And last but not least for Jake-that he will continue to feel good and his counts stay good. He is scheduled to leave on his make a wish this weekend. (We hope you guys have a blast!!!!!).

One set of Footprints again
Tina

Wednesday, March 30, 2005 9:35 PM CST

UPDATE MACRH 31: I just got a call from Barney and he said that they are admitting Emma Grace to the hospital for pneumonia. I believe she will be in ICU at first as a precautionary measure. I will post more tonight after I talk to Trish.

I will go on and give you fair warning that this entry may be a little lengthy so as Trish would say “pull you up a chair and prop your feet up”.

First of all, I am not really sure what I did to deserve 2 incredible children. Hayden knew that yesterday was a rough day for me (no particular reason) and offered to journal. When I read what he had written my heart hurt in some way but I was so proud to see that through this journey he (as we all have) kept his focus on the one who can make the pain a little easier to bear. Hayden-you never cease to amaze me. I am so proud of the boy/man and Christian you are growing to be. Thank you for picking up my slack when I needed the help.

We have had several birthdays that I have not mentioned so I will go on and mention all of those. Walker, Jamie, Whittney, Fred, and Elynn Kate were from the 25th to the 29th. I was glad to get to be here to celebrate with Elynn Kate although I couldn’t help but think of how much Stanton would have enjoyed the party. He loved “K Kate” so much.

I have another special prayer request; another St. Jude friend has earned his angel wings. We did not know them well, but my heart breaks with every parent that has to face losing a child. Please go by there website www.caringbridge.org/mo/bretbrady to offer a little support. I really cannot express to you enough how much it means to hear from people who are praying for you during this tough time.

This Saturday there will be a fish fry fundraiser to benefit Emilie DuBose and Timothy Sibley, both St. Jude patients from our area. It will be held in the parking lot of First Baptist Church. There are items to be raffled as well as fish plates. You can purchase tickets by calling 371-2229. I do not think the tickets have to be purchased in advance but I know it makes it easier if they are. I am looking forward to helping with this. So many people did for us while we were in need I can’t wait to return a small portion.

Hayden had a game tonight which he got to start. Go Hayden! He hit a couple of balls pretty hard but they threw him out at first. They did not win. The JV on the other hand did beat Loyola. Jeff’s little brother played so we watched them to. I also got to watch an adult make a complete idiot out of himself. It was all over a call the umpire made and he really ruined a good game for the kids and the fans as well. I guess my attitude is a little different these days. I am just thankful I have a child healthy enough to play. It was just a game which in the whole scheme of things is so insignificant. So, if you were one of the Loyola fans I am sorry you thought the umpires were so bad, but I think both teams played a great ballgame.

On this note, I ask for special prayer for me as I will be going to speak on behalf of St. Jude again. This time it will be Saturday night in Many, La. at a bass tournament. We will be involved in the closing ceremonies. Pray that I can come up with the words to show how much St. Jude means to us.

I have seemed to misplace my favorite devotional book of all time (Grace for the Moment). If you could see my house you would understand how this is possible and I am sure it will turn up but until them I have had to come up with a new morning devotional and I got chill bumps this morning when I picked up an email devotional from a while ago. God always knows exactly what I need to hear so as usual you get to hear it to.

“The School Of Obedience”

Waiting on God must become part of our daily lives. We must wait on the answers to our prayers and wait on his guidance for our future. Three very important qualities for this obedience are 1) Meditate-look for wisdom in scripture. 2) Listen-sometimes we need to just sit back and wait for God to answer, if we are too busy talking we may not hear him. 3) Walk- This I find the hardest. While we are waiting on God we may have to walk down paths that are unclear. We must take God at His word that he will take care of us just as He promised. I know this is something I struggle with on a daily basis. One thing is for sure, we can obey without understanding because God makes Himself responsible for the consequences. We are only accountable for obeying. I can’t think of anyone more that I would want responsible.

This is all so appropriate because I feel like I am walking in a black hole, not sure of which direction I am heading. I know God has big plans for me and my family I just have to be patient and wait. I know I can’t go wrong listening to Him.

I also couldn’t wait to share this poem with you. It was on Bret’s guestbook and I fell in love with it the moment I read it.
A LETTER FROM HEAVEN

"To my dearest family, some things I'd like to say.
But first of all, to let you know, that I arrived okay.
I'm writing this from heaven. Here I dwell with God above.
Here, there's no more tears of sadness; here is just eternal love.

Please do not be unhappy just because I'm out of sight.
Remember that I'm with you every morning, noon and night.
That day I had to leave you when my life on earth was through,
God picked me up and hugged me and He said, "I welcome you."

"It's good to have you back again, you were missed while you were gone.
As for your dearest family, they'll be here later on.
I need you here badly, you're part of my plan.
There's so much that we have to do, to help our mortal man."

God gave me a list of things, that he wished for me to do,
and foremost on the list, was to watch and care for you.
And when you lie in bed at night, the day's chores put to flight,
God and I are closest to you... in the middle of the night.

When you think of my life on earth, and all those loving years,
because you are only human, they are bound to bring you tears.
But do not be afraid to cry; it does relieve the pain.
Remember there would be no flowers, unless there was some rain.

I wish that I could tell you all that God has planned.
But if I were to tell you, you wouldn't understand.
But one thing is for certain, though my life on earth is o'er.
I'm closer to you now, than I ever was before.

There are many rocky roads ahead of you and many hills to climb;
But together we can do it by taking one day at a time.
It was always my philosophy and I'd like it for you too....
That as you give unto the world, the world will give to you.

If you can help somebody who's in sorrow and pain,
then you can say to God at night... "My day was not in vain."
And now I am contented.... that my life has been wothwhile,
Knowing as I passed along the way, I made somebody smile.

So if you meet somebody who is sad and feeling low,
Just lend a hand to pick him up, as on your way you go.
When you're walking down the street, and you've got me on your mind;
I'm walking in you footsteps only half a step behind.

And when it's time for you to go.... from that body to be free,
remember you're not going.... you're coming here to me.

Waiting
Tina

Tuesday, March 29, 2005 8:17 PM CST

Hey guys its Hayden,

Today we went to Elynn Kates birthday party she turned 2 today. It was fun. AJ you are awesome. Well that’s abut all we did.

I no many people read this at work so remember here is something to remember “God didn’t make a mountain you can’t climb.”

Many people ask the lord many questions about death. “I no I have”. One of the main questions what God would say if Jesus were here at the head of the casket in the middle of the cemetery? And under a canopy of sorrow I share the eulogy gave for himself.

Don’t let your hearts be troubled.
Trust in God, and trust in me. There are many
rooms in my Father’s house: I would not tell you this if
it were not true. I am going to prepare a place
for you. I will come back and take you to be with me
so that you may be where I am.
1 JOHN 14: 1-4

This is very comforting words to me knowing that Jesus came to get my precious brother and took him home to a place that Jesus prepared for him. Knowing this makes it ok that I can’t have another kiss on the head that I want so much. Jesus is taking care of him, and knowing that comforts me. Stanton I miss you so much. When I get to heaven you better be at the pearl gates for your kiss on your head. I love you and miss you very much. Bubby misses you very much.

Missing a big chunk of my life,
But still keeping faith

Hayden

Monday, March 28, 2005 8:58 PM CST

Well, the morning got off to a slow start. I guess I pushed snooze too many times without realizing it so I was running just a little late. Work was about the same although I am accomplishing more each day.

Tonight we went to a fish fry for the volunteers of the St. Jude Auction in Minden. We were honored that they invited us. This is a great group of people who accomplish what would seem like the impossible. Thank you all for all of the hard work. As I have said before, we will continue to do whatever it takes so we can’t wait to be a part of this special fundraiser this year.

Gary shared with us something that someone had shared with him so I decided to share it with you.

“To All Parents”

“I’ll lend you, for a little while, a child of mine,” He said,

“For you to love while he lives and mourn when he is dead.

It may be six or even years, or twenty two or three,

But will you, ‘til I call him back take care of him for me?

He’ll bring his charms to gladden you, and shall his stay be brief,

You’ll have his lovely memories as solace for your grief.

I cannot promise he will stay, as all from earth return,

But there are lessons taught down there I want for him to learn.

I’ve looked the wide world over in my search for teachers true,

And from the throngs that crowd life’s lanes, I have selected you.

Now will you give him all your love, not think your labor vain,

Nor hate me when I come to call to take him back again.

I fancied that I heard them say “Dear Lord, thy will be done’

For all the joy this child shall bring the risk of grief we’ll run.

We’ll shower him with tenderness and love him while we may,

And for the happiness we’ve known forever grateful stay.

And should the angels call him home sooner than we planned,

We’ll brave the bitter grief that comes and try to understand.”

I just loved this. It is such a reminder that God only loans us His children to take care of here on earth. With Stanton we were fortunate in that we learned early on not to take anything for granted. We treasured each and every moment from the day he was born because he was so hard to conceive. After he got sick it was the prayer “thy will be done” that was prayed many times but never easily. I always knew in my heart that my will and God’s will may not be the same. Stanton taught us all so much in his 4 short years and I was blessed to be chosen to be his mom.

Knowing I will never understand
Tina

Sunday, March 27, 2005 8:29 PM CST

I am not even going to try to pretend that today was an easy one for me. I think it would have been even harder had it not been Easter though. It was rainy and dreary and as I was curled up on the couch I could almost feel Stanton curled up next to me. Since it was Easter it was easier for me to focus on the fact that I will see him and hold him again someday. The following is a song by Steven Curtis Chapman. I listen to it almost every morning at the “angel garden”. I decided to wait and use it as tonight’s journal entry.

1 Thessalonians 4:13-14

And now brothers and sisters, I want you to know what will happen to the Christians who have died so that you will not be full of sorrow like people who have no hope. For since we believe that Jesus died and was raised to life again, we also believe that when Jesus comes, God will bring back with Jesus the Christians who have died.

This is not at all how
We thought it was supposed to be
We had so many plans for you
We had so many dreams
And now you've gone away
And left us with the memories of your smile
And nothing we can say
And nothing we can do
Can take away the pain
The pain of losing you, but ...

We can cry with hope
We can say goodbye with hope
'Cause we know our goodbye is not the end, oh no
And we can grieve with hope
'Cause we believe with hope
(There's a place by God's grace)
There's a place where we'll see your face again
We'll see your face again

And never have I known
Anything so hard to understand
And never have I questioned more
The wisdom of God's plan
But through the cloud of tears
I see the Father's smile and say well done
And I imagine you
Where you wanted most to be
Seeing all your dreams come true
'Cause now you're home
And now you're free, and ...

We have this hope as an anchor
'Cause we believe that everything
God promised us is true, so ...

We wait with hope
And we ache with hope
We hold on with hope
We let go with hope

I once again just want to remind everyone who has children that they got to get all dressed up for Easter and spend the day with them to not forget to give them one more hug, one more kiss.

My special prayer request tonight is for all of the lost souls who did not celebrate Easter today. For those who do not know Jesus and what he has done and continues to do for us.

With Hope
Tina

Saturday, March 26, 2005 9:48 PM CST

Well, today was harder than I anticipated. You would think I would have learned by now to just accept that things are going to be hard.

I started my day by doing one of my very favorite things, I got a manicure and pedicure (Thank you Mrs. Betty, you knew this was something I would love). Now as you can imagine this is not something I have had much time for the last 2 years. I enjoyed it and refused to let Satan in to make me feel guilty.

From there I went to spend some time at the “angel garden” with Stanton. The garden was pretty busy today as 2 more people were buried not far from Stanton. So, my quiet time was not what I had hoped but Stanton knew I was there and maybe one of the workers enjoyed my prayer (who knows).

From there I went to mom’s house where we moved the egg hunt up trying to get it in before the rain. We hid almost 170 eggs (not bad for 4 kids to find). It wasn’t quite up to Mamaw’s standard but the kids had a good time. We decided that Stanton and Mamaw were having the biggest egg hunt ever. Before we hunted eggs we released some balloons for Stanton. I did okay until they lined the kids up to take a picture and it went down hill from there. All I could think of was Stanton should be there and how unfair it was that he was not. Pretty selfish on my part don’t ya think.

We had the pleasure of spending most of the weekend with Barney. Jeff just left to take him back to his truck to head to Memphis.

I decided that tonight was a good time to finish my book “He still Moves Stones”. This is one of those books that I read but will read over and over again I am sure. The end of the book talks about all of the stories in the Bible where God met people in the midst of pain. Max Lucado asks the question “What if there was a gallery of people’s stories, the before and after experiences of these people.” Why would the Bible be full of these stories? The purpose of these stories is not to tell what Jesus did, but what Jesus DOES! They help to answer the question “Where is God when I hurt?”

Think about your story. What would you put if there was such a gallery? What are your life’s experiences and how do they differ from before and after your walk with Jesus? I think this is a project that I will try to put in words at some point. There are parts that are just hurt to bad right now but I think it is a great idea. Max talks about a gallery of this kind in heaven. He talks about what the gallery will have in it, Jonah with a life size whale, Moses and a burning bush, David giving slingshot lessons, etc. and somewhere in the middle of all of this is your story. Everyone is complimenting each other but most importantly everyone is applauding one source, the one who deserves all of the praise. This source will be represented in the gallery as well, He will be high above the others right in the middle. Visible from any point in the gallery will be a boulder. It is round, it is heavy, it was used to seal the opening of the tomb. But not anymore, stones were never a match for God.

Remember that all of these stories in the Bible are not to help us look back with amazement, but forward with faith. There are stones in our path. Stones that trip and stones that trap. Stones that are to big for us. The good news is that the God who spoke still speaks. The God who forgave still forgives. The God who came still comes. He comes into our world. He comes to do what we can’t do. He comes to move the stones that we can’t budge.

“Stones are no match for God. Not then and not now. He still moves stones.”

Thankful that the Stone was not match for God
Tina

Friday, March 25, 2005 10:06 PM CST

As most of you know this week has been an extremely difficult for me. If nothing else a HUGE emotional roller coaster. I am sure it will be heightened with the activities of the weekend.

When I was little the Saturday before Easter we would go to my grandmothers house and have a humongous egg hunt (we would usually hide about 350 eggs) and then have lunch. This was a time we all enjoyed and something that my grandmother and grandfather looked forward to. I think Papaw had more fun finding eggs than the kids. As we all got older it seemed that as one of us got to old to hunt someone new would come along. For the last couple of years we have had this hunt at my mom’s house because my grandmother was not able. Last year was the first time she was not with us to hunt the eggs but I have some priceless pictures of Stanton and Papaw.

Mom asked me this year if she should still do the egg hunt. My response was “Why not?” I still have nieces that should not get a chance to experience this just because Stanton will not be with us. The weather is not supposed to be great but maybe we will get it in. I think we may release some balloons before the egg hunt just as a tribute to Stanton reminding us all that he is with us in our hearts.

Hayden went to work with me for a little while today and then we had some mother/son retail therapy. I have got to find another outlet for my emotions because I do not have the money to keep up with retail therapy. It turned out to be a great afternoon, much needed by Hayden and I. Hayden-today was great. I hope you had as much fun as I did. I want you to know that I am here for you for anything. I want you to talk to me about your feelings and how much you miss Stanton. He was a lucky little brother.

For those of you who haven’t checked in on Emma Grace today you will be happy to know that her bone marrow biopsies showed no evidence of neuroblastoma cells. What an answer to so many prayers. Sorry to keep you in suspense but I wanted to give my friend Trish a hard time from afar. Love ya Trish!!!!!

My devotional this morning was once again too appropriate not to share.

1 John 16:33
“In this world you will have tribulation,” Jesus promises, “but be of good cheer, I have overcome the world.”

“God has kept no secrets. He has told us that while on this yellow brick road (of life) we will experience trouble. Disease will afflict bodies. Divorce will break hearts. Death will make widows (or very lonely parents) and devastation will destroy countries. We should not expect any less. But just because the devil shows up and cackles does not mean we should panic.

Our Master speaks of an accomplished deed…’It is finished’. The battle is over. Be alert. But don’t be alarmed…The manuscript has been published. The book has been bound. Satan is loosed for a season, but the season is oh so brief. Just a few more scenes, just a few more turns in the road and his end will come.”

Once again, this weekend has such a special meaning to us as Christians. When I spoke of St. Jude I often spoke of “hope”. Thanks to Jesus we can all have “hope”. He overcame the world so that we could all live eternally. For those of you going through tribulations that you just don’t think you can bear I encourage you to turn to God. I know that this week Satan has used many tricks and maneuvers to pull me to his side and I have just had to refuse! Tell him that my trust is in God and with God anything is possible and there is no room for him in my life.

One more thing, it seems like starting with Stanton our town has been hit hard with deaths. Some of elderly people who have lived long full lives, but also of young people whose lives were cut short by disease or accidents. Just a few to keep in your prayers:

Mr. Hollingsworth-This is Laura’s father-in-law. Laura is the co-chair to our Minden St. Jude auction and has become such a special person in our lives. Gary, Laura, Logan, Ashley and all of the Hollingsworth family our thoughts and prayers are with you.

Mrs. Headstream-This is Jeff’s cousins grandmother. Beth, Nicole-we are praying for you and your family.

Fred Mathis-This is a young man whose life was cut short by cancer. Please pray for his wife and children as they learn to live a new life without him.

Thank you again for all of your prayers and support. It means the world to me that I see so many people still check in on us. I will journal as long as people will read. Don’t forget to drop a line in the guestbook, it does lift our spirits.

Cradled in His arms
Tina

Thursday, March 24, 2005 9:09 PM CST

Well, just another day. Things seemed a little better day today. I know I have mentioned before that I work for an incredible hospital with incredible co-workers and an incredible boss but I thought I would mention it again. My boss and I got a chance to sit down and visit for a minute today. I don't know if he knew I was having a bad week or just knew I needed someone to listen but it was great. It is kind of nice to sit down and have someone listen and to some degree understand me and my personality as well as a little personal history to go with it. Mr. Smith-you are the greatest. Thanks for listening and being so understanding.

Our Business Office Director(Diane)loast her father yesterday. Please keep Diane and her family in your prayers.

I am not givng out any info on Emma Grace just yet, I will say she did have her biopsies today but I will give Trish a chance to share the results (the final ones won't be ready until tomorrow).

Tonight I will share from my "Bedtime Blessings" book.

Ecclesiates 3:14
Everything God does will remain forever; there is nothing to add to it and nothing to take from it.

"Calamaties aren't from 'Mother Nature'. Take those superficial words out of your vocabulary. Understand that God, in his sovereignity, places His hand over our lives and allows us to pass through painful experiences that we would never choose or want. Yet, when we go through them, accepting and learning from them, we grow deeper in the Christian life. In the final analysis, if we have responded correctly, we become more obedient."

This was for the night of my major meltdown. I sometimes wonder if God moves the pages in the book around to suit my needs. This devotional is not something that I haven't heard or read a thousand times and it is still very hard for me to comprehend, understand much less accept. I have learned to accept parts of the journey. I can definaltey see the difference the journey has made in our lives and I love hearing the difference our journey has made in other peoples lives.

I was reminded today that God needed someone very special to be Stanton's mom, not just anyone would do. I am very honored to have been chosen for this part if even for a short time. I am so thankful that he will live as part of me forever.

Honored but no less broken
Tina

Wednesday, March 23, 2005 10:06 PM CST

Okay, so today started not much better than yesterday ended. I just can’t shake the empty feeling in the pit of my stomach. I am reliving the last moments I have with Stanton over and over. Why now and where do I go from here? For most of you who know me and my personality you know that all of these feelings of inadequacy are driving me insane! I know what I must do but getting my body to cooperate is another story. So, where did I go from here, I called Brother Wayne. I couldn’t seem to get the words out so I had someone help. I know a lot of these emotions are stemming from Easter weekend coming up but I still have to face it head on.

As I was checking my email devotionals today I came across one that was actually kind of funny. It was by my favorite author, Max Lucado, of course. In the devotional Max talks about Matthew 21:3 where Jesus sends for a donkey to ride into town on. What Max says is that when he gets to heaven he wants to meet the man that owned the donkey that Jesus rode on. I can think of a few more people I would like to meet more but he does come up with a good point. At that moment I bet that man had no idea that he would be talked about for millenniums to come. Did he know that God was going to use his donkey? Where in the world is he going with this story? Well here goes “All of us have a donkey. You and I each have something in our lives, which, if given back to God, could like the donkey, move Jesus and his story further down the road.” Pretty cool when you get to the punch line. What do I have that will help move Jesus’ story down the road? What do you have?

Please continue to keep our family in your prayers, I think the hardest days are yet to come.

Emma Grace is trying to get her lungs clear so they can do bone marrow biopsies.

Jake has started another round of chemo and doing okay.

Mr. Kennedy is in Rehab doing good.

Hoping for a better tomorrow
Tina

Tuesday, March 22, 2005 9:08 PM CST

I will go on and warn you tonight’s journal is more for me than anything. It is a place I am just going to open my heart up (which is nothing new) but I think you will see a little difference.

First of all for those of you who had bets going I was at work by 5:15 this morning. Yes, you read that correctly that would be in the a.m. Although the day started early for a non-morning person like me the overall day was very productive. It was the first day at work where I felt the love of my job come out a little. I know this sounds strange to some but I love what I do and like to think I do a good job (others would probably argue) at it and the last 3 weeks I have just not been there. I haven’t felt that love that I am so used to when I walk in the doors of the hospital. Well, that changed today there were many moments when I got completely consumed in what I was doing and could feel it coming back. Okay so now you are probably saying “what is wrong with that?”. Nothing while it was happening but it was when I left that something hit and it hit hard. I felt guilty for feeling normal. I felt guilty for having that love of my job. Why? I don’t know, I am sure it is part of the grief process. I got in my car and it felt like someone had punched me in the stomach as hard as they could. I could hardly swallow or breath. I cried all of the way home, I think more to relieve the pressure than anything. I came home and went to see Stanton at the “angel garden”. I got there and sat on the ground basically just staring at the cross behind him. I have heard people say that they couldn’t even pray but God knew what they were thinking. This is almost how I felt. Although God didn’t get out that easy after a while I began to talk.

My heart and my mind know what is right and I thought was beginning to process some of all of this but my body is just not wanting to cooperate. I miss Stanton so very much!! I know time will dull the pain and all I have is time.

We did get out and go watch Dakota play ball tonight. I find the more I go the better I am. Sitting in front of Jennifer sure brought many smiles to my face which were much needed today.

I got an email with an excerpt from a book that I want to share with you. I can’t wait to get the book:

There's an old story about a little frog that was born at the bottom of a small, circular well, similar to those you might see at a typical rural farm. He and his family lived there, and he was content to play in the water, swimming all around that little well. He thought, Life doesn't get any better than this. I have all that I need.

But one day, he looked up and noticed the light at the top of the well. The little frog became curious, wondering what was up there. He slowly climbed up the side of the well. When he got to the top, he cautiously peered out over the edge. Lo and behold, the first thing he saw was a pond. He couldn't believe it. It was a thousand times bigger than the well. He ventured farther and discovered a huge lake. He stood there gazing in amazement. Eventually, the little frog hopped a long way and came to the ocean, whether everywhere he looked, all he could see was water. He was shocked beyond measure. He began to realize how limited his thinking had been. He thought he had it all back in the well, but all he really had was a drop in the bucket compared to what God wanted him to enjoy.

God's dream for your life is so much bigger and greater than you can imagine. If God showed you everything He had in store for you, it would boggle your mind. So many times we're like that little frog. We've been enclosed in our own little well. It's been our comfortable environment. It's how and where we were raised. It's all we've ever known, a certain level of living, a certain way of thinking. All the while, God has so much more in store for us.

Go a bit further than you've gone before. Dare to dream a little bigger. Look out over the edge like that little frog. God has oceans He wants you to enjoy.

The book is called “Your Best Life Now” by Joel Olsteen.

Looking for my oceans
Tina

Monday, March 21, 2005 8:56 PM CST

Not much to report today. I am not feeling great (I think Hayden so graciously shared his bug) and I have to be at work at 5:45 in the morning so this will be brief. I know you are all thinking there is no way that she will make it so post your comments and I will tell you how it turns out.

I just want to share a piece of a devotional that I read:

"You get impatient with your own life, trying to master a habit or control a sin-and in your frustration you begin to wonder where the power of God is. Be patient. God is using today's difficulties to strenghthen you for tomorrow. He is equipping you. The God who makes things grow will help you bear fruit."

1 John 5:4
Everyone who is a child of God conquers the world. And this is the victory that conquers the world-our faith.

I had a great conversation with a very special co-worker today (Thanks Vicki I sure needed it). At one point we kind of talked about where we (Jeff, Hayden and I) go from here, personally and as a family. I think we both agreed that each of us would find our own timeline but the one thing we agreed on was that I refused to let Stanton's death be an open door for Satan. I want to continue to share his story and use our story to glorify God. Vicki reminded me that God wasn't finished with me yet and I agree. So where I go from here, who knows but I know it will be to be a better Christian and to love and serve God with all of my heart.

Conquering the world
Tina

Sunday, March 20, 2005 8:48 PM CST

Well, I guess I have a lot of catching up to do. I do love to let Hayden update every now and then. So, where do I start? I guess I will start from Friday. I finished my 3rd week of work or at least my best attempt at work. From there I came home to get ready to go to Monroe. Hayden said he didn’t feel good and really didn’t want to go (He knew we were going to see Jake and didn’t want to make him sick). I really thought this was an excuse because he really didn’t want me speaking much less listening to it. Come to find out he really was sick and was most of the weekend and appears he may have passed this little virus along. Anyway, usually when I speak I know the audience I am speaking to and I have an idea of what I want to say to help them understand the importance of St. Jude’s. All the way to Monroe I kept telling Jeff it just wasn’t there I had no idea what to say. He as usual was so supportive and said I would do great. We stopped by the Raborn’s first which was great to get to see them and Jake looks great! We got to the University and got to meet Jennifer (the sponsor who asked me to speak), Amy and Jodi all who are loyal journal followers. I decided that I had to find a quiet spot and attempt to gather my thoughts. Found the spot but not the thoughts and honestly up until the moment I took the microphone I had no idea what I was going to say. I had a story that ended so sadly but that for 2 years was all that I knew. I guess the biggest difference is that I did not have my prop. I usually had Stanton running around reminding me what it was all about. I have no doubt he was right there with me. It definitely was not one of my best speaking engagements but at least the first one is out of the way and they can only get better. This is something that I LOVE doing for St. Jude and want to continue sharing Stanton’s story. After we spoke we went to eat with the Raborn clan before heading home. Thanks Mo and Todd for supper it was great. I hope your travels are going smoothly (Todd’s grandmother had passed away and they were going to her funeral).

Saturday I spent the day with my mom doing a little retail therapy. Jeff would say a lot of retail therapy but oh well. It was great to get to spend some one on one time with mom. Jeff played in a softball tournament and let’s just say he isn’t as young as he used to be. Last night we went to visit with Mr. Kennedy and he seemed to be doing okay. He had a smiley face on his door that said “watch me”. I think as a teacher this might not be a good smiley face. I think like most men he is not a very good patient. He will be moved to the rehab floor tomorrow I think.

Today has really been a pretty good day. How could it not be good when first thing this morning I got to watch my little brother-in-law (I only put the in-law thing in there to keep the confusion down. Jeff and I started dating when Dakota was about 6 months old so he might as well be mine), and 2 cousins get baptized. Dakota, Walker and J.W.-I could never tell you how proud I am of you and how much it means to me that you let me be such a part of this very special time in your lives. This afternoon I got a phone call to confirm what I knew was happening and that is Leslie, an employee of mine had been baptized at her church. Leslie-I told you on the phone and will tell you again, I am so very proud of you. I know this was such a big step for you and again, thanks for allowing me to be a part of it. Tonight I was faced with a pretty tough decision. Mr. Matt’s mother passed away Saturday and her visitation was tonight. Mr. Matt and Mrs. Ruth were the most supportive of us during the last 2 years I knew in my heart that I needed to return the favor but my mind told me I just couldn’t. Jeff went to represent our family and I think had a pretty rough time but made it. Mr. Matt/Scott-I am so sorry I was not there for you tonight. I hope you know my heart was there but my body just couldn’t be.

On a lighter note, we now have an official NASCAR Domino’s Pizza Car Hood hanging from Hayden’s ceiling. Yes, Michael and Domino’s signed and sent Hayden the hood to his and Stanton’s car. I have to admit it is pretty cool. As Jeff was having a fit putting this up Michael was having a pretty good day at the track. He came in 7th today! Go Micheal!!!! Although I am afraid you could never win a race and we would love you any way. So once again, I ask everyone reading to click on the link below and vote for Michael for most popular driver. Let’s show NASCAR what Stanton’s followers can do.

I heard a song tonight that I will end with. It was called “fifteen”. It talked about what if it took 15 times to tell someone about Jesus before they listened and what your role could be in that. You may be the first or the 7th but what if you could have been the 15th. It reminded me to keep my eyes open for all of the doors that God has and is continuing to open for me. I would hate to know that I could have been the 15th one and missed the chance to lead someone to Jesus.

Still being carried
Tina

Can’t forget the GOOD NEWS: Emma Grace’s scans from last week came back CLEAN!!!! She has a bone marrow biopsy tomorrow so special prayers for them

Saturday, March 19, 2005 10:03 AM CST

hey guys its Hayden updating wile my mom went out for a little btit and asked me to update. She said she didnt speak as well as she usualy does last night. Well i got a huge package in the mail yesterday. First of all everyone knew what it was and wouldn't even give me a hint. It was the coolest thing. It was the hood of the 99 micheal waltrip car me and stanton desighed, it was autographed by micheal. Come to find out sending it to me was Micheal's idea. Micheal you are the coolest thank you so much.

This is a poem we recieved yesterday.

THE BROKEN CHAIN

We little knew that morning tat God was going to call your name.In life we loved you dearly, in death we do the same. It broke our hearts to lose you, you did not go alone; for part of us went with you the day that God called you home. You left us peaceful memories, your love is still our guide; and though we cannot see, you are always at our side. Our family chain is broen, and nothing seems the same; but as God calls one by one the Chain will link again.

hayden

Thursday, March 17, 2005 9:40 PM CST

Another day down. Work is work, I am accomplishing a little each day but I still cannot focus as well as I would like. I did get to play "aunt" tonight and for those of you who know me you know that my nieces and nephews mean the world to me and spoiling them is something I have missed so much. Jeff picked up Coltan and Hollan so they were here when I got home. Coltan had his last basketball game and did GREAT! Coltan-I am so glad I got a chance to see you play. I can't wait until baseball so I can watch you some more.

Please continue to keep Mr. Kennedy in your prayers. They moved him to a hospital in Shreveport.

Once again I will ask for prayer for all of us tomorow night as I know this will be very emotional for all of us.

I got this email and thought it was pretty cool so I thought I would share and give you another thought to ponder.

This was too good of a life lesson not to pass on!

A carrot, an egg and a cup of coffee... You will never look at a cup of
coffee the same way again.

A young woman went to her mother and told her about her life and how
things were so hard for her. She did not know how she was going to make
it and wanted to give up. She was tired of fighting and struggling. It
seemed as one problem was solved, a new one arose.

Her mother took her to the kitchen. She filled three pots with water
and
placed each on a high fire. Soon the pots came to boil. In the first
she
placed carrots, in the second she placed eggs, and in the last she
placed
ground coffee beans. She let them sit and boil, without saying a word.

In about twenty minutes she turned off the burners.
She fished the carrots out and placed them in a bowl.
She pulled the eggs out and placed them in a bowl.
Then she ladled the coffee out and placed it in a bowl.

Turning to her daughter, she asked, "Tell me, what do you see?"

"Carrots, eggs, and coffee," she replied.

Her mother brought her closer and asked her to feel the carrots. She
did
and noted that they were soft. The mother then asked the daughter to
take
an egg and break it.

After pulling off the shell, she observed the hard-boiled egg. Finally,
the mother asked the daughter to sip the coffee. The daughter smiled as
she tasted its rich aroma. The daughter then asked, "What does it mean,
mother?"

Her mother explained that each of these objects had faced the same
adversity. Boiling water. Each reacted differently. The carrot went in
strong, hard, and unrelenting. However, after being subjected to the
boiling water, it softened and became weak. The egg had been fragile.
Its
thin outer shell had protected its liquid interior, but after sitting
through the boiling
water, its inside became hardened.

The ground coffee beans were unique, however. After they were in the
boiling water, they had changed the water.

"Which are you?" she asked her daughter. "When adversity knocks on your
door, how do you respond?

Are you a carrot, an egg or a coffee bean?"

Think of this: Which am I? Am I the carrot that seems strong, but with
pain and adversity do I wilt and become soft and lose my strength?

Am I the egg that starts with a malleable heart, but changes with the
heat?

Did I have a fluid spirit, but after a death, a breakup, a financial
hardship or some other trial, have I become hardened and stiff? Does my
shell look the same, but on the inside am I bitter and tough with a
stiff
spirit and hardened heart?

Or am I like the coffee bean? The bean actually changes the hot water,
the very circumstance that brings the pain. When the water gets hot,
it
releases the fragrance and flavor. If you are like the bean, when
things
are at their worst, you get better and change the situation around you.
When the hour is the darkest and trials are their greatest, do you
elevate yourself to another level? How do you handle adversity? Are you
a
carrot, an egg or a coffee bean?

May you have enough happiness to make you sweet, enough trials to make
you strong, enough sorrow to keep you human and enough hope to make you
happy.

The happiest of people don't necessarily have the best of everything;
they just make the most of everything that comes along their way. The
brightest future will always be based on a forgotten past; you can't go
forward in life until you let go of your past failures and heartaches.

When you were born, you were crying and everyone around you was
smiling.
Live your life so at the end, you're the one who is smiling and
everyone
around you is crying.

I like to think I am a coffee bean
Tina

Life is not measured by the breaths you take but by the moments that take your breath away.

Wednesday, March 16, 2005 7:59 PM CST

UPDATE MARCH 17: Special prayer request: A very special person in our life Mr. Kennedy aka Papaw Kennedy to Stanton was admitted to the hospital last night with what appears to be a stroke. I don't have a lot of details but will update more tonight. Mr. and Mrs. Kennedy and the entire Kennedy family were and continue to be such a HUGE support to us. Thank you all for the prayers.

I guess you can all tell that things are pretty quiet around here because of the times of my journal. Things are going as well as can be expected I guess. It just seems so quiet. I remember longing for a couple of minutes of quiet time now to find myself longing for a little noise. I guess the saying goes be careful what you wish for.

My Stanton moment for the day was on the way to work I looked up and the Dale Jr. and Michael Waltrip car haulers were going the other direction. I now know they are heading for Atlanta as were many other race cars so I spent my drive trying to name the drivers of all of the cars. Scotty you would be proud there weren’t but a couple that I wasn’t sure of.

Claire, I can’t thank you enough for stopping by tonight. It was great to visit with you and did stop some of the quietness. Please come by anytime.

I have had several devotionals on my heart but this is the one that really kept coming back to me.

Philippians 4:4 "Rejoice in the Lord always. I will say it again:
Rejoice!"

This devotional talks about the difference between happiness and joy.
Confusion arises when get joy and happiness mixed up. You see,
we don't choose happiness; it comes as the result of circumstances.
The root word of happiness is the same root word as "happening." So,
happiness depends on happenings.

Joy on the other hand, is only found in the Lord. Joy comes partly
from a deep, abiding knowledge that God has everything under control. We can experience joy in spite of our circumstances, when we choose to
acknowledge that something good is going to come out of our pain. But, unless we distinguish joy from happiness, we will not experience the fullness of joy. To be happy over certain circumstances would be wrong - but it's never wrong to have deep joy.

In spite of my situation today, I choose to believe that God
is working behind the scenes for my good. If you believe that under any circumstance God is there for you then God will fill your heart with unexplainable joy. Then you can rejoice in the Lord always.

My prayer for today:

Heavenly Father, You are the creator and giver of joy. I praise You
for this wonderful gift that brings a sense of rightness in troubling
situations. I confess that I have often chosen worry or fear over joy. I long for my faith to be deepened, and to trust that You are working
things out for my good. Help me when I depend on circumstances to bring peace and joy. In Jesus' name, Amen.

I guess this was an important lesson for me because of the “smile” comment last week. I don’t have to smile when I am not happy but I can smile because I do have pure joy in my heart. I know this makes no sense to many of you but if it does then you have had the pleasure of experiencing real joy.

As far as I know things have gone well with Emma Grace’s scans. Hallie is now out of the hospital and I think Jake is still inpatient (thanks for the sauce Don).

Special prayer request for me a couple of days early. I will be speaking to a group college students from the ULM “Up til Dawn” group Friday night on behalf of St. Jude. This will be the first since Stanton earned his angel wings.

Filled with Joy
Tina

By the way, I have had several people ask me about a book. Not quite sure it is something I could do but not completely out of the picture just yet.

Tuesday, March 15, 2005 8:57 PM CST

Where do I start? Why has today been so hard? Those I guess would be the million dollar questions. I never knew that anything could hurt so much. I guess like people said they would things have gotten a lot slower around here. In fact, tonight is probably the first night since we have been home that we didn’t have company or somewhere to be. We knew the day would come and maybe that is why it is so hard. We were finished with supper by 6:00 and it was like now what do we do? I’ve got plenty to do just nothing I am ready to tackle at the moment. There is no one to play with, no toys to pick up, no dressings to change, no lines to flush, I think you get the picture. I guess this is an adjustment that we will just have to make slowly and it will be hard for a while.

Almost everyday something happens that reminds me that Stanton is watching over us. I think he sends his own personal signals so I want to tell you about something that happened yesterday. The week we were in the hospital right before we found out that there was no other treatment for Stanton a commercial for “The Ultimate Chocolate Factory” kept coming on TV. Everytime Stanton saw it he would comment on how he and momma could make candy if we had this. Well after about the 5th time Jeff looked at me and I said call, if it will make him happy we will get our 30 dollars worth out of it. For those of you who know me you know that I don’t often get 30 dollars worth of any cooking utensil. After Stanton passed away and we were packing I thought about how this had not arrived in the mail yet and how hard it was going to be when it did. Since then I have kind of forgotten about it until yesterday. In the mail we got a letter from the company explaining the delay of delivering the chocolate factory and a Lance Armstrong “livestrong” band for our patience. Wow! Again for those of you who don’t know we started wearing these bands right after they came out as a symbol of “Stanton’s team”. We bought them for all of his caregivers and Stanton was even buried with his on his wrist. Coincidence, I don’t think so.

I want to share my Bedside Blessing with you tonight:

Isaiah 58:8
Your light will break out like the dawn, and your recovery will speedily spring forth.

“Inevitably, spring follows winter. Every year. Yes, including this one. Barren days, like naked limbs, will soon be clothed with fresh life. Do you need that reminder today? Are you ready for sunshine on your shoulders…a few green sprouts poking up through all that white? A light at the end of your tunnel? Look! There it is in the distance. It may be tiny but it’s there.”

Once again, coincidence, you decide.

I want to end with one of the many great poems we have gotten over the past month:

Don’t think of him as gone away-
His journey’s just begun;
Life holds so many facets
The earth is only one.

Just think of him as resting
From the sorrows and the tears
In a place of joy and comfort
Where there are no days or years

Think how he must be wishing
That we could know today,
How nothing but our sadness
Can really pass away.

And think of him as living
In the hearts of those he touched…..
For nothing loved is every lost—
And he was loved so much!

Looking for the tiny light
Tina

Monday, March 14, 2005 9:01 PM CST

Today was another hard day. Just one of those where I really didn't want to get up but I did and once I got to work I actually had a couple of people tell me I looked a little better. I guess that is good. It took most of the morning but by this afternoon I was in work mode and really getting a good bit accomplished.

Hayden had a game tonight in which he actually got to play infield. He did okay, didn't get on base any though. He still keeps the best attitude.

I have a special prayer request. I am struggling with an issue that I don't want to elaborate on because of everyone involved but it has to do with a friendship. One that I cherish but one that has been broken terribly and not real sure how to fix it. This is just one thing that God has placed on my heart and sent me many devotionals about forgiveness and I guess I just need some extra prayer.

Emma Grace is having her 100 day scans this week so send up extra prayers for her. Jake is in the hospital with a fever so prayers for him. Hallie is still in ICU but improving.

Please just keep all of these kids and their parents in your prayers. Although we are so far away from St. Jude a big portion of our heart is there with our friends.

This is something I got today I thought I would share:

If God brings you to it, He will bring you through it.

Happy moments, praise God.

Difficult moments, seek God.

Quiet moments, worship God.

Painful moments, trust God.

Every moment, thank God

These are lessons that I learned the hard way. I am just so thankful to have a God to turn to who loves me so very much.

Only By His Grace
Tina

Sunday, March 13, 2005 9:18 PM CST

One month, some days this seems like it has flown by and other days it seems like it has been forever. One month ago today Stanton began his eternal life. I can remember every minute of that day like it was yesterday. One thing is for certain, Stanton was and is loved so much and will never be forgotten.

Many hard moments today which I know will be the case for many days, months and years to come. We had a GREAT weekend with Mrs. Sarah. She put up with us chaos and all. Sarah-you know that we consider you part of our family and love you so much. It meant the world to us that you would drive all the way here to spend the weekend with us. When you told me you were coming I did not put it together with Stanton’s one month anniversary but it was very appropriate that you were here today. Our doors are open for you any time.

We also did family pictures today. We took the advice of many and used a photo of Stanton as well as he favorite stuffed animal (Jabu). This was hard, I just had to try to not focus on the fact that he was not there. My very dear friend, Don came and took the pictures which made it so much easier because he knew how hard this was going to be for me. Don-thanks a million! You will never know how much all of your love and support over the last 6 years has meant to me. Love ya!

We spent a little time at the “angel garden” today as a family. For those of you who haven’t seen it Stanton is buried in front of a HUGE marble cross that the sun sets behind. As I looked at that cross today my mind was just overwhelmed. As Easter weekend approaches our Sunday School lessons of course are related to the crucifixion of Jesus Christ. Our lesson today posed the question “Who is in charge?” (Great lesson by the way Paul). Who or What is in charge of your life? This was a question that is pretty easy for me to answer now but might have been much more difficult 3 years ago. My question to you is “If God is not in charge of your life then who or what is and how is this going to help you?”

I know some of you are thinking okay, she is saying God is in charge yet he didn’t give her what she wanted. For those of you who are parents do you give your children everything they ask for and if you did what kind of kids would they be. Please please don’t get me wrong, I wanted more than anything for Stanton to be healed (and by the way he was) but the picture is so much bigger than that. His life was much bigger than that and for that I am so proud.

During this time of the year when we really focus on the death and resurrection of Jesus I can say that it will have a much deeper meaning for me than ever before. After we watched “The Passion Of the Christ” last year Jeff and I both walked away with completely new perspectives. I think with the events of the last year we have an even broader perspective. God sent his son Jesus into this sinful world knowing the plans he had for him. He knew the suffering that he would go through but he sent him anyway. He sent him because he loved us so much and this would be his way of giving us all the opportunity to have eternal life. Now as I picture Jesus and how he suffered before they hung him on the cross my heart aches just like I know God’s heart did. I also have been reflecting a lot on Jesus hanging on the cross and how he was able to forgive the man on the cross beside him. This will be a whole other journal entry but be ready because forgiveness is something that is weighing heavy with me. Jesus died on that cross so that we all may have eternal life. Do you know what that means? As a Christian I will never die. I will live forever. When my time on this earth is over I will walk through the gates of heaven and be reunited with Stanton. How incredible is that?

I know this has been kind of rambly but I just get so humbled when I think about what God did for us and when I was at the cemetery and looked around at that cross it brought tears to my eyes because of what it means to me. It means that as hard as it is now, I will be with my baby again.

Humbled
Tina

By the way Gerhard you need to harass Trish a little bit. She has nothing on you anymore.

Friday, March 11, 2005 9:12 PM CST

hey nurse Sarah Ortiz (Orteeeeeeeeeeeeeez) made it in sorry but we will not be updating this weekend because we will be spending some quality time with her. By the way I started tonight and went 1-2. I hit a shot up the middle that hit the pitcher. Hangin in there
HAYDEN

Thursday, March 10, 2005 10:07 PM CST

My morning started out a little slow as I had a hard time dragging myself out of bed. I finally got up and managed to get dressed. When I got to work I was greeted by one of fellow co-workers who just happened to ask “Where is that smile that I use to love so much?” Of course he meant nothing by it he really just wants me to be happy and actually it gave me something to think about. The smiles have not been there over the last 3 weeks, understandably but you would think that I could manage one every now and than. I know Stanton would want that at least. So I am going to make a conscious effort to smile more, you know that are contagious. Try it some time smile at people and see how many people smile back. Don’t get me wrong, the hurt will still be there and for those that know me the best they will see right through any emotion that I pretend to have. Luckily I am surrounded by those people daily.

Hayden had a ballgame tonight; they are in some invitational where they play tonight tomorrow night and Saturday. Which could be a lot of fun if we got to watch Hayden play. Yes that is correct he did not play again or let me rephrase that he went in the field one time and got to bat one time. I guess I need to ask for prayer because this is really bothering me and you would think I would have learned not to sweat the small stuff. But 1) Hayden is not a bad ball player in fact his batting average is probably one of the highest on the team right now. 2) I watch other players that are maybe as good but with horrible attitudes go out game after game and 3) I hate unorganization which is basically all this is. It usually ends up causing conflict between Hayden and Jeff and I for many reasons that I won’t even attempt to get into. Enough about that, again pray for my patience. We have decided to have the family picture made this weekend (Hayden is completely against it) but we will have Stanton favorite stuffed animal Jabu (speaking of Gerhard where are you?????) and a picture. This will be a tough day but needs to happen.

During my quiet time this morning I was reading in my “He Still Moves Stones” book and again read a great chapter entitled “When Being Good is Not Enough”. I have had many conversations with several people who in the midst of adversity have a hard time turning to God because of all that they have done in their life. They think that their prayers don’t deserve to be heard, much less answered. I was at one time one of these people, and still many days don’t feel worthy of the blessings that God has sent me. But I am sure God hears my prayers and if I have confessed my sins and acknowledged Him as my God then those prayers will be answered,

A couple of questions are asked : Do you believe in heaven? Do you think you will go there? How do you know you will? Max goes on to say that many of us can come up with a list of things of why we will go to heaven. Most of which mean absolutely nothing to God. Basically none of us are “good” enough to go to heaven. So, if none of us are good enough to go to heaven how can a person be saved?

This is where the story of Jesus’ last moments come into play. Jesus hung on a cross between two thieves who did nothing but mock him the entire time they hung there. Jesus did not respond by retaliation rather he responded by a prayer “Father forgive them, because they know not what they are doing”. One thief continues to ridicule Christ while the other challenges his criticism. “You should fear God! You are getting the same punishment he is. We are punished justly, getting what we deserve for what we have done. But this man has done nothing wrong.”

What made this thief change his mind? No miracle, just a prayer, a prayer of grace. The core of the gospel in one sentence out of the mouth of a crook:
I am wrong; Jesus is right.
I have failed; Jesus has not.
I deserve to die; Jesus deserves to live.

The thief asks Jesus at that moment “Jesus, remember me when you come into your kingdom.”

Who is this man, a thief, sentenced to death by crucifixion? Until that moment. What had he done to warrant any help from Jesus? What had he done to deserve forgiveness?

The answer to these questions, the same right that you and I have to pray the very same prayer. It is more than we deserve, but we are desperate, we plead, we stand before God and admit our needs. We like the thief have one more prayer and like the thief the answer to our prayer will be the voice of grace. “Today you will be with me in my kingdom”.

This statement alone is why I am able to keep going each and every day through the pain and the darkness. One day I will be home with my Father and will be greeted by my beautiful angel.

I have more than once commented that it would be okay if God came today and said “I’m taking all of my people home”. I know this hasn’t happened yet because it has to be God’s timing and he wants each and every person to have the opportunity to come live with Him eternally. I think that everyone that I love will be going with me but if you are reading this and you are not sure if you would go to heaven if God came today please please call me or email me so that we can talk.

Waiting on the Day
Tina

Emma Grace got a chance to go home home today. I think this is the first time since August. They were surprising everyone at home.

We have a special visitor coming tomorrow; Mrs. Sarah is coming to spend the weekend. I can’t wait I think we will have so much fun.

Wednesday, March 9, 2005 9:44 PM CST

One more day. Really not much to report things are about the same. Hayden had a ballgame tonight and I guess his punishment is over. He got 2 bat. He hit one up the middle which could or couldn't be considered an error(of course as his mother I don't think it was an eror) and he struck out the other time (no more batting 1000). He played outfield (which is new to him and actually caught a fly ball. He still keeps a positive attitude which seems to help us all. He is in a tournament this weekend so we will be at the ballpark Thursday through Saturday. I guess we need things to keep our days busy.

I opened my Grace for the Moment Book this morning and the title for today really hit me hard. "God's Will...Be Done"

To pray "Thy will be done" is to seek the heart of God. The word "will" means strong desire. Shall God hide from us what he is going to do? Apparently not, for he has gone to great lengths to show us His will for us. Could he have done more than send His Son to lead us? Could He have done more than orchestrate events to awaken us? Could He have done more than send His Holy Spirit to counsel us?

God is not the Gos of confusion and wherever he sees seekers with confused hearts, you can bet that He will do whatever it takes to help them see His will.

I guess the reason this heading stood out so much was the day that I finally accepted that whatever was to happen to Stanton was exactly what God had planned. I had to pray for the strength and courage to pray this prayer. Finally God granted me the strength to say "God it is your will that I pray for. I want this but understand that it may not be the same thing that you have in mind. It was at this point that I prayed for the strength to handle God's will. This was the hardest prayer that I have ever prayed because it involved my baby's life. Obviously God's will and mine were different and I do believe that God is providing me with the strength that I need to get through each day. I know it is Him who gets me out of bed each morning and who carries me through each day. I still turn to God for all of my problems but after everything that I ask for I also ask for God's will to be done.

I also learned that in some cases (not ours) that God's will may be something much better than what we are asking for.

Please just continue to keep us all in your prayers as we face each day. Still many prayers needed for our St.. Jude friends, Emma Grace, Jake, Hallie, Allie, and Ben

Trusting God's Will completely
Tina

Tuesday, March 8, 2005 9:38 PM CST

Well, I wish I could say today was better than yesterday but no such luck. There is such a HUGE hole in all of our lives and it shows. I know this has to be the toughest thing any family must face and boy can things get ugly. I think we all try to be strong for each other and then all fall apart at the same time. Everyone has asked how Jeff is doing so I am going to tell you honestly. I don’t know. I think he is putting on a pretty good show while being completely torn up on the inside. I can tell this by how he is treating Hayden and I. Don’t get me wrong he is wonderful and my very best friend but we do disagree about some things where Hayden is concerned. I get aggravated with him because he will ask me 100 times what is wrong. I want to say DUH!!! Again, I think he feels he has to be the strong one. Any pointers from dads who have gone through this would be great.

As for Hayden, he to is trying to be strong (yes, that makes me the only one that can’t control my feelings). I think he is doing what he thinks would make us (especially Jeff) happy. As for his game yesterday (I had many people call and ask), he did not get to start. Once again the coach used the excuse of him not being at practice. I just wonder how long he plans on punishing him for choosing to spend Stanton’s last 2 weeks with him. He did get to bat and got a great hit for 2 RBI’s. Just to share what an awesome kid he is, when the game was over, rather than be upset about not playing his comment was “Well, I’m batting 1000”. I know I wouldn’t have walked out of the dugout with that attitude. Once again I guess I have a lot to learn from my children.

I wanted to share a devotional tonight on Humility. I know you think boy she talks about this a lot but this is one lesson that I have learned a lot about these last 2 years.

I read a devotional that listed certain attitudes that keep us from receiving the rewards that God has promised us. These rewards being Him giving us a greater understanding of His love or maybe our prayers being answered beyond all imagination. These attitudes are:

1. Impatience-(sound familiar)-we want it now and are unwilling to trust that God is in control.
2. Insecurity-We feel that if certain things don’t happen then we cannot continue.
3. Identity in the wrong things-We feel good about ourselves only if we are a “success” by society’s standards.
4. Ignorance of God’s ways-We disregard His word and decide for ourselves what is right.
5. Impulsiveness-Without asking God first, we regard every seeming opportunity as a door He has opened.
6. Ingratitude-Lack of thankfulness for what God has already given us skews our perspective.
7. Impure Motives-Because of discontent or jealousy, we push ahead of God and use manipulation to get what we want.

I think we can all look at these things and profess that we are guilty. I know I can. You would think after my journey all of these should be easy but I still struggle with some of them. But, that is okay because humility doesn’t come naturally. It requires deliberate, ongoing effort to remain in God’s presence so that we can see how worthy He is of our total submission. I for over 2 years now before even getting out of bed say a quick prayer submitting my entire day to God. I now sit and wait for His blessings. Many of which he has shown me each day.

I have a special prayer request: Hank, my brother-in-law works with a man named Richard Childers who recently found out that he has brain cancer. I don’t think they know a lot of details. They removed a tumor but know that they did not get it all. He will begin chemo and radiation soon. This is a very scary moment for him and his family.

Once again we are reminded how life can change in the blink of an eye. One day you get up, kiss your wife goodbye and over lunch you pass out and find out you have a brain tumor. Life is short. Take advantage of every minute of it!

Blessed Beyond Imagination
Tina

Monday, March 7, 2005 9:21 PM CST

One more day down. This is about all I can say to describe today. I woke up not feeling great to begin with and all I wanted to do was curl up in my bed and sleep. I know this is a pattern that I cannot get into so I got up and went to work. Jeff asked if anything specific triggered my tears and really there was nothing. I keep holding onto the fact that this HAS to get easier.

Stanton-I hope you know how much I love you and how much I miss you. Things just aren't the same without your smile. I know you feel so much better now and that helps me through each day. I love you to heaven and back. Mom

Matthew 11:28

Come to me, all who are tired and heavy loads and I will give you rest.

If for you Jesus is one of many options then He really is no option at all. If you think you can carry your burdens alone then you don't need anyone to help you. As long as your situation brings no grief then no comfort will be given.

From "The Applause of Heaven"

"But wen you mourn, when you get to the point of sorrow for you sins, when you admit that you have no other options but to cast your care upon Him and when there is truly no other name that you can call, then cast all of your cares upon Him, for He is waiting in the midst of the storm."

I have always loved the above verse because it is one that I use on a daily basis, especially lately. I must admit though that it is easier said than done. Even more so when things in your world or going good. God doesn't want only our tragedies, He wants everything from the smallest of problem to the ultimate tragedy. I encourage you to develop this relationship with God long before the BIG hurt comes. This will make it easier for you to turn the hurt over to God. I have learned that you can't just turn your troubles over once. Each day I find myself trying to do something on my own and am reminded to go to God first.

Please just continue to pray for all of us as we try to develop a new normal. Please continue to pray for Emma Grace as she is back in her routine. Jake is also back in Memphis for chemo. Hallie is still having a lot of back pain.

Casting ALL my cares
Tina

Sunday, March 6, 2005 10:22 PM CST

I’m back!!!!! Thank you Barney for informing everyone of where I would be and thank you all of my web watchers for being patient with me while I got to spend time with the Hampton’s.

There are many words to describe this weekend along with many emotions. I couldn’t wait to see the big red truck pull into the driveway. Emma Grace had been calling me periodically giving me updates on where they were. She was pretty withdrawn when she first got here (although I am sure overwhelmed with emotion) but it didn’t take long for her to climb in my lap and give me all the loving I had been waiting on. We had always said there would be visits to each others houses so we had always talked about her coming to Minden but it would be to play with Stanton. This would be the bittersweet part. I wouldn’t have traded my hugs in for a million dollars but I still couldn’t help but think Stanton should have been here.

Todd and Alicia brought over crawfish and shrimp for supper and it was great to get to visit with them outside the atmosphere of St. Jude. Not to mention introducing some of our Louisiana favorites.

Saturday we went to the “angel garden” (cemetery) for Emma Grace to put flowers on Stanton’s grave but not before Karla brought over many Easter goodies and confetti eggs. I said that the only rule in Aunt Tina’s house is that there are no rules, well that was until the confetti eggs and they did have to go outside for those. Once again, bittersweet and unfair that Stanton wasn’t playing right along with them. Saturday evening mom and dad fried fish and Emma Grace got a chance to play with Mary Claire and Elynn Kate. By the time we got home she was pretty pooped!

This morning we all got up and went to church and the devil must have stayed away because 6 of us got ready and were on time. Needless to say our Sunday School class was excited to finally put a face with a name with Emma Grace. She was so good during SS and church. I am also very excited to say that my brother-in-law and 2 cousins joined the church this morning. This was something that many people had been praying long and hard about, especially me. Dakota, Walker, J.W.-I am so proud of you. Know that I am here for you for anything.

After church we had a quick bite to eat and then the packing began. It is amazing how much stuff one child can require. Although I will share one funny story, when Emma Grace got here she had on a cute outfit with a matching purse. I talked about how cute it was but what was she going to do when she changed clothes the next day. Well, she was going to change purses of course. Okay, whose DNA do you think she got? (I made Trish buy a purse when hers was hanging on by one strap) Gerhard that question was for you?

When they were loaded up and ready to go we said our “see you laters” and actually did good, not many tears shed or at least not until the pick-up pulled out of the drive way. For all of you who helped make this trip possible-thank you. I know I needed it and I think it did Emma Grace good as well.

I have had so many good devotionals and had decided the one I wanted to share until I read my chapter in “He Still Moves Stones” It is entitiled “Joseph’s Prayer, When you are confused by God’s actions.”

Max Lucado talks about the Bible having all of these places where there are snapshots of what is going on but you really don’t get the full picture. So we are left to wonder. His thought is that the birth of Jesus is one of these places. People appear but we never knows what happens with them next. This chapter focuses on Joseph and what his conversations with God might have been like. He plays such an important role in the birth of Jesus but then you don’t hear much from him anymore, so what happened to Joseph? But, before that what about that night in Bethlehem, what did Joseph say to Jesus while he was waiting on baby Jesus to be born in a stable. Max gives a description of Joseph talking to God asking him why this way, this isn’t how it is supposed to be. This is what I (Joseph) thought it would be like. Have I missed something God? This is not the way I wanted my son to be born. Oh no God, I am sorry, I know he his not my son he is yours. The child is yours, the plan is yours and the idea is yours. God, I am a carpenter I like to see the plan. But this time I am not the builder am I? This time I am the tool. This project is yours not mine.

Okay, do you think Joseph had such a conversation. I don’t know about Joseph but I have had many similar and are still having these similar conversations with God. I’ve been caught between what God says and what makes sense. I’ve done what He told me to do only to wonder if it was Him speaking in the first place. I’ve stared into a blackened sky and asked “why?”.

I’ve asked if I am still on the right road, I’ve asked which way to turn. I have definitely asked if there was a plan behind all of the commotion. I have also seen things not turn out like I would like.

“Each of us knows what it is like to search the night for light. Not outside of a stable, but perhaps outside of an emergency room. On the gravel of a roadside. On the manicured grass of a cemetery (this would be me). We’ve asked our questions. We questioned God’s plan and we’ve wondered why God does what He does.”

If you have all of these questions the one thing you can do is obey. This is what Joseph did. He didn’t let his confusion disrupt his obedience. He just did what he was told.

We are just like this, we can’t see the whole picture. We have a choice to obey or disobey? Because Joseph chose to obey God used him to change the world. He can do the same with us. “God is still looking for common people to serve an uncommon God”.

“With all of our questions there is one question we never need to ask, Does God care? Do we matter to God? Does He still love His children?
Through the small face of the stable born bay he says yes.
Yes your sins are forgiven
Yes your name is written in heaven
Yes, death has been defeated
And yes God has entered your world.”

I guess if you took the time to read all of this you would see why I had to share this with you. I know over the last 2 months especially I have most certainly had the questions. I almost never had the answer, although looking back I know it was in my best interest that I didn’t know. What I am sure of is that I trust God has it all under control. He has all of he answers and most importantly He is holding my baby in His lap tonight.

Just a common person
Tina

Friday, March 4, 2005 10:53 PM CST

I hate to say this but Tina has taken the weekend off. It seems Emma Grace and Trish made it to Minden this evening. Tina said she is going to take the weekend off and just spoil Emma Grace.

Thank each and everyone for all the prayers, love, and support that has been shown to the Haynes.

Keep looking up
Always in His Sonshine.
Emma Graces Daddy
Barney

Thursday, March 3, 2005 8:58 PM CST

I have been asked I can't tell you how many times people ask "How are you?" I just say "hanging in there" and go on. For those of you who are really interested this song puts it into perspective

Artist: Mercyme
Song Title: Homesick lyrics

You're in a better place,
I've heard a thousand times
And at least a thousand times
I've rejoiced for you
But the reason why I'm broken,
the reason why I cry
Is how long must I wait to be with you

I close my eyes and I see your face
If home's where my heart is then I'm out of place
Lord, won't you give me strength
to make it through somehow
I've never been more homesick than now

Help me Lord cause I don't understand your ways
The reason why I wonder if I'll ever know
But, even if you showed me, the hurt would be the same
Cause I'm still here so far away from home

I close my eyes and I see your face
If home's where my heart is then I'm out of place
Lord, won't you give me strength
to make it through somehow
I've never been more homesick than now

In Christ, there are no goodbye
And in Christ, there is no end
So I'll hold onto Jesus with all that I have
To see you again
To see you again

And I close my eyes and I see your face
If home's where my heart is then I'm out of place
Lord, won't you give me strength
to make it through somehow
Won't you give me strength to make it through somehow
Won't you give me strength to make it through somehow

I've never been more homesick than now

That about sums it up!

Homesick
Tina

Wednesday, March 2, 2005 8:40 PM CST

Another day in the Haynes'household. I managed to actually begin to feel like I have a brain at work. I know it just takes time but you all know patience is not my best attribute. I still have a hard time focusing and am always thinking about Stanton.

Hayden had his first baseball game tonight. It was a freshman game. He didn't get to play, after already having a pretty rough day I was kind of upset. I understand the coaches reasoning ("Haynes you missed a lot of practices and we understand your priorities") but I wish he could have played some. He seemed to be okay with it. He thought it wasn't fair for him to start and I know he wouldn't have traded those last 2 weeks with his brother for anything.

I have an unusual prayer request tonight. It is from someone that I have never met although I have learned that these can become the best of friends. It was from a website follower who has problems of her own but who checks on us daily. Her name is Linda and she has a recurrence of some kind of cancer. You can read more about her story at www.caringbridge.org/mi/miko. I told her I would pray for her and would add her to my website prayer list. Thank you all who continue to support all of my prayer requests.

I got an email from a friend that I thought was pretty neat. It was a gentle reminder that children look at everything that you do even when you don't realize it.

WHEN YOU THOUGHT I WASN'T LOOKING

A message every adult should read, because children are watching you and doing as you do, not as you say.

When you thought I wasn't looking, I saw you hang my first painting on the refrigerator, and I immediately wanted to paint another one.

When you thought I wasn't looking, I saw you feed a stray cat, and I learned that it was good to be kind to animals.

When you thought I wasn't looking, I saw you make my favorite cake for me and I learned that the little things can be the special things in life.

When you thought I wasn't looking, I heard you say a prayer, and I knew there is a God I could always talk to and I learned to trust in God.

When you thought I wasn't looking, I saw you make a meal and take it to a friend who was sick, and I learned that we all have to help take care of each other.

When you thought I wasn't looking, I saw you give of your time and money to help people who had nothing and I learned that those who have something should give to those who don't.

When you thought I wasn't looking, I saw you take care of our house and everyone in it and I learned we have to take care of what we are given.

When you thought I wasn't looking, I saw how you handled your responsibilities, even when you didn't feel good and I learned that I would have to be responsible when I grow up.

When you thought I wasn't looking, I saw tears come from your eyes and I learned that sometimes things hurt, but it's all right to cry.

When you thought I wasn't looking, I saw that you cared and I wanted to be everything that I could be.

When you thought I wasn't looking, I learned most of life's lessons that I need to know to be a good and productive person when I grow up.

When you thought I wasn't looking, I looked at you and wanted to say,
"Thanks for all the things I saw when you thought I wasn't looking."

Just a small reminder that it is not only the big things you do on life but the small things as well.

Cradled in His arms
Tina

Tuesday, March 1, 2005 9:08 PM CST

I think tonight's journal will be short and sweet, I'm pretty tired. One more day down at work. I can say I accomplished something other than just being there, maybe I do still have some brain cells.

I had several moments today when I felt like I was living in some imaginary world that would soon be all back to normal. Then I would realize that this was not the case, shed a few tears and start over.

Mom's 4th and 5th grade teachers cooked supper for us at her house tonight and I caught myself as I was getting a slice of roast looking around to ask Stanton if he wanted any "buffalo" (what he called all red meat) then realizing that Stanton wasn't there and never was going to be. I watched Mary Claire and Elynn Kate run around and play and Stanton wasn't there and never is going to be. Talk about some tough reality checks.

I know things will get easier and I know it will be a while before the little things don't bother me. I also know that it is God who keeps me on my feet each day as there is no way I could do it alone.

In my Grace for the Moment Book the verse for March is:

Psalm 37:5
Depend on the Lord; trust Him and He will take care of you.

The verse for today is:

1 Corinthians 2:9
No one has ever imagined what God has prepared for those who love Him.

I loved todays devotional because all I could think about was Stanton. Have you ever thought about the day when you get to meet Christ, when He comes to take you home by death or when He comes to take us all home? What would God say to you? Would He be proud? This made me think of a couple of songs actually, one was sung at Stanton's memorial service "I Can Only Imagine" and the other I don't know the name of but it talks about someone going to heaven and meeting people whose lives had been touched because of him. I know when Stanton was greeted by God that God was pleased. I also know that because he was so young that there will be many to come that will enter the pearly gates looking for him to say "Stanton, because of you I am here". What an incredible testimony for a 4 year old little boy.

My challenge for you tonight is to think about this-when you get to heaven will there be anyone there that says they are there because of you?

I Can Only Imagine
Tina

Monday, February 28, 2005 10:14 PM CST

One more step down. I can say that when the alarm went off this morning I wanted to pull the covers over my head and go back to sleep. I didn’t, I got up and got dressed. The cemetery gates close early so I decided to go see Stanton before I went to work. This was a great idea. I know he is not there but I feel like I can go there and talk to him and I never leave without saying a prayer. I could feel God’s presence there this morning almost as He and Stanton were reminding me that it was okay for me to go on with my life. I got back in the car and only cried part of the way to work.

As expected the people at work were wonderful in just poking their head in and letting me know that they care, no big scenes, no special treatment (except for my ICEE, thanks Don, cookies thanks Laurie, and tulips thanks Lori). Okay so maybe I had a little special treatment. Lori and I went to my favorite Mexican restaurant for lunch and it was great to catch up on the real world and to open up and talk a little about Stanton with her.

My mom sent me the following email right after I got to work and asked how my day was going. My response to her was “hard, very hard”.

Dancing With God
> >
> > When I meditated on the word Guidance, I kept seeing "dance" at the end
of
> > the word. I remember reading that doing God's will is a lot like
dancing.
> > When two people try to lead, nothing feels right. The movement doesn't
> > flow with the music, and everything is quite uncomfortable and jerky.
> >
> > When one person realizes that, and lets the other lead, both bodies
begin
> > to flow with the music. One gives gentle cues, perhaps with a nudge to
> the
> > back or by pressing Lightly in one direction or another. It's as if two
> > become one body, moving beautifully. The dance takes surrender,
> > willingness, and attentiveness from one person and gentle guidance and
> > skill from the other. My eyes drew back to the word Guidance.
> >
> >
> >
> > When I saw "G: I thought of God, followed by "u" and "i". "God, "u" and
> > "i" dance." God, you, and I dance. As I lowered my head, I became
> willing
> > to trust that I would get guidance about my life. Once again, I became
> > willing to let God lead.
> >
> >
> >
> > My prayer for you today is that God's blessings and mercies be upon you
on
> > this day and everyday. May you abide in God as God abides in you.
Dance
> > together with God, trusting God to lead and to guide you through each
> > season of your life. This prayer is powerful and there is nothing
> > attached.
> >
> >
> >
> > If God has done anything for you in your life, please share this message
> > with someone else, for prayer is one of the best gifts we can receive.
> > There is no cost but a lots of rewards; so let's continue to pray for
one
> > another. And I Hope You Dance!!!!!!!!

Her response back was “Back off and let God lead the dance”. Thanks mom for reminding me of what I say so many times yet have such a hard time with as well. I love you!

Letting God lead
Tina

Sunday, February 27, 2005 9:25 PM CST

I know I know there was no entry for last night. I actually got out with the girls and went to the Miss Minden pageant. Congratulations Kara! We went to dinner first and when we got home had company so it was late before we went to bed.

It is so hard to believe that it has been 2 weeks since Stanton earned his angel wings. I still finding myself saying he passed away last week. Again, I guess this is something time will fix.

Well, today was another big step for us. We went to Sunday School and Church this morning. I was a little disappointed this morning because Jamie wasn’t coming and I thought Dana had to work so I wasn’t sure how I was going to do by myself (after remembering I am never by myself). Jamie as usual surprised me when she realized how upset I was got dressed and came anyway. Someone also called in to work so Dana and Hank were there as well as well as Casey and Dean (my other adopted siblings) that Jamie had called. We also had Barney with us which was great!

It was quite obvious Stanton was also in our Sunday School room when Paul started the lesson and we opened to the book of Jonah. For those of you who have kept up you know that this was one of Stanton’s favorite bible stories and I cold just hear him telling the story. I think the lessons for the last few weeks in SS were “Why do bad things happen to good people?” I clearly think God was leading these friends of ours to help us through the tragedy that he knew we would experience. It was very hard, but it also felt good to talk about some of the good that has come from Stanton’s life. Needless to say tears were shed and I was so thankful to have Jamie, Dana and Hank there. Paul-the lesson was great as usual I wish we would have been there for all of the weeks.

When we got to church we had a guest preacher which at first I was kind of disappointed because I love to listen to Brother Wayne speak. It was difficult being in the church for the first time since the funeral but when the preacher began his sermon I once again was reminded of Stanton’s presence. His sermon was from the book of Job. What a man Job was!

We have had a very special visitor with us this weekend. Barney had some time that he had to wait on a load and lucky for us it just happened to be in Minden. With him around things have kind of seemed like home again, although he is missing the biggest 2 pieces of the puzzle, Trish and Emma Grace. I miss them both so very much!!!! I love you two!

Talk about steps, I actually made another big step today. I went to Wal-Mart. I am working on a very special project for our St. Jude Staff and couldn’t start without some things so off we went (Hayden and I). Not so bad, I think most people don’t know what to say so they don’t say anything which is fine with me.

For my fellow employees that might read this before they see me, I am going to make an attempt at coming back to work tomorrow. I think it will do me some good although I know it will take me some time to be 100% which will be my biggest problem. I am a little obsessive. Please don’t worry about what to say to me, say what comes from your heart, that is what I want and need to hear. It is okay to talk about Stanton as he is still a HUGE part of my life. I love each and every one of you and can’t wait to get back into the swing of things. You all have been so supportive of me it is time a give a little back. So please say additional prayers that tomorrow goes smoothly for me.

I also have another very special prayer request for tomorrow. Baby Jake will be having his PET scan and we need big time prayers going up for this scan to be clean. I think he will also be starting another round of chemo soon. This family has become so special (in fact I call Don my second husband and on some days I leave Jeff out all together) to us and we are ready for them to be back in Louisiana with a clean bill of health. You can visit him at www.caringbridge.org/la/jakeowen.

Today touched so many of my emotions I just can’t explain. I have one thing that God has placed on my heart and I want go into detail right now but please pray for God to guide me in the right direction. After today’s sermon I also want to make a commitment to God and Stanton that this tragedy will not be for nothing. I will continue to use our journey as a way to bring glory to God one way or another. One question that has popped into my head that was in one of my journals a while ago is “If God’s grace is all that you had, would that be sufficient?” This means taking away everything else, all of your possessions, your family, your friends, etc. This question has really touched a place in my heart and I can’t get past it. I think that through Stanton earning his angel wings I am learning that yes, God’s grace would be sufficient.

Glad God’s arms never tire
Tina

I forgot to share something Hayden started the other night which is another testament to what a wonderful kid he is. He started a bucket where he and I each right a note to Stanton about how we did for the day and fold it up and drop it in. I think it will be great to look back one day and see how we were feeling. Pretty neat don’t you thi

Friday, February 25, 2005 9:48 PM CST

I must say that today was a little better than yesterday. If I could get a sleeping pattern down it would help some to I think. I got up and made a decision that I wasn’t going to stay home today. I was going to get dressed, and get out. To do what was to be decided but right off the bat mom invited me to lunch, which was good because I had a goal of when I had to be dressed. My rule of thumb this week was not to do much until the mail came. Where this rule came from I have no idea but it seemed to be working. Luckily today he came about an hour and a half early so I had no excuse for not getting dressed for lunch (thinking Stanton probably had his hand in that knowing I needed to get out).

I enjoyed visiting with mom and Mrs. Gail (AKA Motorcycle momma) at the school and enjoyed lunch with mom. Of course people would ask how I was and I would say “Okay”. Mom reminded me that “hanging in there” was an appropriate answer because “okay” was really not the truth.

Things were going good until I went to the cemetery to have some quiet time with Stanton and all of the flowers were piled on his grave. I know this was an innocent mistake and someone probably thought they were helping us but I was completely devastated. My daddy showed up not knowing I was there and helped me to set everything back up. I was shaking so bad I couldn’t do it. We have just been so careful when we go out there to clean up any stray flowers and pick the dead flowers off of the arrangements and this was a mess. Most of you know I can be a little obsessive. I think this has been resolved and should not happen again. Again, I think it was an innocent mistake that I probably over exaggerated.

Daddy and I had some quality time as he took me to show me some land he had bought in case I ever want to build a house on it. The land is beautiful and I can’t wait to get back on our feet so that this may be an option.

I am sharing another email devotional as again, it just kind of hit close to my heart.

Humility-the quality or state of being humble

The Pursuit of Humility
Ephesians 4:1-3

To accomplish anything in life, we must set a goal and devote our
energy and time to achieving it. Sadly, many people don't realize that God
has any goals in mind for them, so they just float through life
aimlessly. Not only does God give specific goals to each one of us
individually; He also has goals that apply universally to all believers. For
example, He desires all of us to commit ourselves to a relentless, lifelong
pursuit of humility.

Humility is more than a healthy view of our merit; it is a servant
attitude that acknowledges totally dependence on God. Few people are
excited about pursuing humility because they considered it to be a weakness.
But if we understand what God says about it, we will realize that
humility is an extremely significant quality. Philippians 2:3 says, "Do
nothing from selfishness or empty conceit, but with humility of mind regard
one another as more important than yourselves." In order of priority,
Jesus comes first, others are second, and we ourselves are last.

We talk with great emphasis about loving others, forgiving them
unconditionally, and treating them with kindness. But the root of these
actions is humility. To be able to love and forgive others, we must be
willing to recognize their great worth in God's eyes and the magnitude of His
compassion and forgiveness toward mankind (Ephesians 4:32). If we think
only of how we feel, what's convenient or comfortable for us, or how we
can profit from a situation, we're not going to demonstrate Jesus'
love. But when humility is our goal, then love, forgiveness, and kindness
will grow out of it.

I have admitted over and over again the last 2 years that if nothing else came from my journey I have been humbled. I have realized how insignificant so many things I thought at one time were so important and definitely took up to much of my time. I realize that God has a plan for each one of us individually and of us collectively as believers. That plan is that no one is left out from the opportunity to love God and to accept His love. How many of us can say with certainty that God is the very center of our lives? If you can’t please think about why. If He is the center of your life please think about making sure your children know and see this in their everyday life. You as a parent are their role model and who they look to.

Always remember that not one of us is guaranteed a tomorrow. Love your husband, children, parents, etc. like it is the last time you might see them on this earth. You never know it might be.

I didn’t want to sound depressing but I want to get my point across. We have great memories of Stanton and many of those included our good-byes that God so graciously allowed. His journey taught me much and humility would be at the top of that list.

Humbled
Tina

Thursday, February 24, 2005 6:28 PM CST

Yes, you are getting an early entry tonight. Why? I am at home all by myself and don't know what to do with myself. I have had a major pity party today especially this evening. I can remember a time when I loved a couple of hours all to myself. How selfish was that? What I wouldn't give now to have that time back and never have any time by myself.

I won't journal long because I don't want to pour out all of my broken heart. I just miss Stanton so much!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I got an email that said maybe I should focus more on the happy times and have angel wings and happy pictures on the website. I am not going to say I am sorry for anything I put on this site. This is the place that I open my heart as raw as it may be somedays. I didn't think that I focused on the negative much but these days you are just going to have to listen to me vent, it helps me just a little. I will try to get a picture of Hayden and Stanton on here so that everyone can see what a handsome couple they were.

I am so sorry I have no great words of wisdom tonight and seemed a little whiney but it has been a rough day.

Think I'll sleep in God's lap tonight
Tina

Little History behind this new picture. This was scheduled to be taken the weekend after we found out Stanton relapsed. We actually got a chance to come home and I wasn't going to have the picture made because Stanton's eye looked so bad. Something told me then I might regret not having it made so I did and the eye really doesn't look so bad.

Wednesday, February 23, 2005 9:11 PM CST

Today was a hard day! Can’t really explain why, maybe because it was rainy and dreary outside. I got a little cleaning done inside but as soon as it stopped raining I went to the cemetery and cleaned up around Stanton’s grave. The wind had blown flowers everywhere but I got it all fixed. I also enjoyed a little quiet time with Stanton. I wish I could describe Stanton’s earthly resting place but it is so peaceful and God and I have had some great conversations.

As you can imagine Hayden had tons of school work to catch up on so we have been working on that and can you believe that when he got back to school and went to Health class the chapter was on cancer??? He talked about how hard it was for him so I sat down tonight to help him finish the work and guess what? I agreed with him. We did as much as we could but just couldn’t finish. I figure Hayden knows way more about cancer than most people would ever want to know.

I also know that for the next year our lives will be filled with firsts without Stanton and we will have to take each one as they come. The first one is coming sooner rather than later. It is time for our church directory in which everyone has family pictures made. How do you have a family picture made when it seems like such a big part of your family is not here? The flip side to this is that the next time this rolls around Hayden will probably be in college somewhere and may or may not be here for the picture. I know this seems like such a small problem but please pray for us to have the strength to keep going during these “firsts”.

I know my devotionals have seemed a little short lately but once again I feel like God is leading me to something in my quiet time that He wants me to share but I am just not there yet so He fills in the gaps for me with other devotionals. This is one I got from email today.

Today I Will Make A Difference
By Max Lucado

Today I will make a difference. I will begin by controlling my
thoughts. A person is the product of his thoughts. I want to be happy and
hopeful. Therefore, I will have thoughts that are happy and hopeful. I
refuse to be victimized by my circumstances. I will not let petty
inconveniences such as stoplights, long lines, and traffic jams be my masters. I
will avoid negativism and gossip. Optimism will be my companion, and
victory will be my hallmark. Today I will make a difference.

I will be grateful for the twenty-four hours that are before me. Time
is a precious commodity. I refuse to allow what little time I have to be
contaminated by self-pity, anxiety, or boredom. I will face this day
with the joy of a child and the courage of a giant. I will drink each
minute as though it is my last. When tomorrow comes, today will be gone
forever. While it is here, I will use it for loving and giving. Today I
will make a difference.

I will not let past failures haunt me. Even though my life is scarred
with mistakes, I refuse to rummage through my trash heap of failures. I
will admit them. I will correct them. I will press on. Victoriously. No
failure is fatal. It's OK to stumble... . I will get up. It's OK to
fail... I will rise again. Today I will make a difference.

I will spend time with those I love. My spouse, my children, my family.
A man can own the world but be poor for the lack of love. A man can own
nothing and yet be wealthy in relationships. Today I will spend at
least five minutes with the significant people in my world. Five quality
minutes of talking or hugging or thanking or listening. Five undiluted
minutes with my mate, children, and friends.

Today I will make a difference.

Even though my life is scarred with mistakes, I refuse to rummage
through my trash heap of failure. I will admit them. I will correct them. I
will press on.

This so much reminded me of Stanton and how he had no concept of time. He made the most of each and every day and in the process taught us to do the same. He taught us how to get up when we stumbled, how to press on when we felt like we could go no more. He was INCREDIBLE!

Today I Will Make a Difference
Tina

Tuesday, February 22, 2005 8:25 PM CST

Yes, I am a little early tonight. Hayden is actually at Gary's house getting some help with math (yes, that means I could not help him). I think my brain is just exhausted!

My day today by myself was pretty hard at first but got a little easier as I kept myself busy. I must say though that when I got up it was VERY lonely. I caught myself not turning on the light because I did not want to wake Stanton up. I just can't even begin to explain how much I miss him. I don't know if many of you read the guestbook so I thought I would share a poem that was sent from a very dear friend that pretty much describes how I feel a good portion of the time.

MEMORIES OF MY SON

Pictures of yesterday, happened upon.
Sweet, precious pictures of you, my son.
They're from a time that can't be erased.
And my heart fairly breaks as I gaze on your face.

Stirrings arouse in me...words can't explain.
I want to go back, but I can never again.
Such a sweet pleasant child, how I wish you were here.
To reassure me with hugs and your own special cheer.

To see your beautiful smile just one more time.
And hear that you love me, would make everything fine.
Though I yearn for all this. I know it can't be.
Oh God, why on earth did this happen to me?

The pain of losing you is so hard to bear,
I hurt so badly, does anyone care?
This is not what was supposed to be,
I want and need my son; can't you see?

I want to love him and care for him and have lots of fun.
And I'm sad, because those days will never come.
Instead, a precious life was cut chort,
Four years of memories are my moral support.

I'm trying to live--day by day.
How can I do this? I wish it weren't this way.
This love for you is mine to keep;
Pain is the price for the love so deep.

You're with me every day, you live in my heart
And none of this will ever depart.
I'll look at your pictures, and remember with love,
Because you're at peace now...with God above.
~Unknown

Stanton-I love you more than you can ever know. You will forever hold such a very special place in my life!

Cradled in His Arms
Tina

Monday, February 21, 2005 10:00 PM CST

Well, I guess you all can tell by yesterday’s entry that God has blessed me with 2 amazing children.

Hayden-your update was incredible (although I think it puts forward a good point of why English is an important subject). I know the journey was probably the roughest on you emotionally. We basically separated you and Stanton for 2 years. We will never regret all of the decisions that we made but we know the time without you can not be replaced. Let’s just say we all have a lot of catching up to do.

Things are slowing down here a bit. Jeff went back to work today and Hayden will go back to school tomorrow. I can imagine it will be a difficult day for me at home by myself but I will be okay.

I am still at the point where I think Stanton will come around the corner any minute. I don’t think that there will ever be a day go by that I don’t think about him and miss him so much.

More thank you’s:

Nurse Karen (our nurse the entire Saturday before Stanton passed away)-you will never know how much your compassion and sincerity meant to us that day. There were several times when I thought Stanton was going to leave us and you remained calm and comforting to Jeff and I. I knew you were never farther than the desk outside the door. I could not believe it when you showed back up at the hospital at 3 a.m. to be with us. I know your job can be extremely hard on you but you are AWESOME at it. Thank you for loving Stanton like your own.

Nurse Candice-how appropriate that you would be a part of the start of our journey and then be there at the end. How you handled the whole situation made us sure of why we chose to not only stay in Memphis but be in the hospital. I know you loved Stanton and I know that it could not have been easy on you but you will never know how much we appreciate the fact that you were his nurse for that night. Yes, God does things for a reason and maybe that is why you moved to night shifts. You will always be considered part of our family.

I was doing a little catch up reading in my Grace for the Moment Book and of course Feb. 13 and 14 caught my attention immediately.

Feb. 13
Luke17:33

Those who keep their lives will lose them. But those who give up their lives will save them.

The one quote from this devotional that really caught my attention and really reminded me of Stanton was “THE GOAL IS NOT TO LIVE LONG; IT IS TO LIVE.” Living with Stanton 24/7 for the last 2 years this had to have been his motto. No matter what the circumstances or how sick he was he made the most out of every day up until the very end. Once again a very important lesson we as adults can learn from children.

Feb. 14
1 Corinthians 4:5

God will praise each one of them.

This devotional talks about how God himself will be handing out the crowns in heaven. How that must feel when God personally hands you a crown. I had to think back on the song at Stanton’s memorial service “I can only Imagine”. The line that stood out in this devotional was how one day we can hope that God will look us in the eye and say “Well done, good and faithful servant”. As I held Stanton last Sunday morning I could almost picture God kissing him on the head saying these exact words. I believe Stanton did the job god put him on this earth to do and better than most adults. We will forever be so very proud.

Of course still only one set of footprints
Tina

Our friend Hallie that I mentioned has now set up a website www.caringbridge.org/la/hallie Please stop by and offer her and her family your support. They are in the situation that no parent ever hopes to be in.

Sunday, February 20, 2005 9:18 PM CST

HELLO EVERYONE
Its Hayden I asked to journal because my mom keeps thanking everyone but i need a chance to do that to.

Well the phrase we here the most is how are you doing, so I thought i should answer it honestly for every one. People keep say9ng its gonna get easier but so far it has not. I cant do anything anymore, not even gert in trouble, without bringing his precious smile or expressions to my mind and to me that is the hardest thing out of all this. I mean driving down the road seeing little children playing in the yard is very difficult. What momma keeps telling me is I cant just let my life stop just because I lost the main component in keeping my life running. I guess what I dont understand is WHY? Well sitting in my chair i thought about it, Stanton left a leggacy, and We or I can't stop even though he's not here we can still touch many more lives with his story and I think thats what he would want me too do.

Stanton's NASCAR hero Micheal Waltrip raced in the Daytona 500 today he did awsome, he never got lower than 3rd and led for 42 laps but unfortunatly 30 laps to go his engine blew nothing he could help but definalty a disapointment but we still love him he is amazing... Thank you micheal for being such an inspiration in mine and littl stantons life.

Well my mom always thancks people so here I go people that realy need thank yous that probably need one.

Hank- I have seen you everyday since last Suunday, I dont know if that is a good thing or a bad thing but thank you so much for all you have do. This also goes for Dana Coltan and mommas sister Jamie

Memaw and Pepaw (Linda and James Miller}- thank you for puttin up with me these past 2 years and thank you so much for making the numerous trips that gave me greater time to form the huge bond that Stanton and I had.

Debbie, Dakota, and OH- thank you for allowing me to live with yall these past months. Dakota- im sorry if I was a burdend to you

And now for some realy speacial people.

Mom- You continue to amaze me personally and religously. You have grown so much as a christian and showed me show much. I am so glad we are back together at home but i would do anything if it was a better situation. I LOVE YOU!

Dad- you also have changed so much religously, I know both you and moms temper line is so thin and I appologize in advance if I break that line. I know its very difficult because I am in the same situation that you are in and I will be here for you even though you may not want me to. PLEASE STAY STRONG, I LOVE YOU

BOTH OF YALL AMAZE ME ON YALLS STRENGTH I REALY LOOK UP TO YALL. BOTH OF YALL ARE THE GREATEST PARENTS ANY CHILDREN COULD ASK FOR, ESPEACIALLY FOR ME AND STANTON, THANK YOU SO MUCH

Doing what we have to do
making it
Hayden

Stanton- you are my hero you were and still amzing I will finish your duties here on earth, and I can't wait to play race cars in Heaven with you. I Love You Love, Bubby

Friday, February 18, 2005 11:18 PM CST

Where do I start? Today was actually not as hard as I had anticipated. I think yesterdays beautiful Celebration service for Stanton brought some much needed closure for me. I am not going to tell you that I didn’t think about Stanton first thing this morning, or many times throughout the day. I can’t tell you that I shed no tears. I can just tell you that there was some peace. Things happen and I just feel like they are Stanton reminding me that things are going to be okay and he will be here with me forever, especially when I don’t know how I am going to go on.

Mary Claire went to the “Angel Garden” (cemetery) for the first time today and she came running in and said “Stancies angel garden is the most beautiful thing I have ever seen”. I had to agree with her. She also told me that she had a dream about Stanton last night and he was the only angel in heaven with rainbow colored angel wings. I can certainly picture him wanting to be different.

I have another very special prayer request tonight. Another one of our dear neuroblastoma warriors relapsed this week. I don’t know a lot of details but her name is Hallie and I know their family would appreciate your prayers.

I was going to share some more thank you’s with you but I decided to share my email devotional instead. I think you will understand why.

Drawing Closer
Mary Nash, Certified Speaker, Proverbs 31 Ministries

Key Verse:

Matthew 11:28, "Come unto Me and I will give you rest." (NIV)

Devotion:

In biblical times, if a lamb wandered away from the flock, the shepherd
searched everywhere to find it. When the lost lamb was found, the
shepherd broke one of the lamb's legs and then carried the wounded lamb on
his shoulders until the leg was healed. The lamb would develop such a
close relationship with the shepherd, that when given it was healed, it
would never again wander from the one who had cared for it so tenderly.

In the last few years, I have discovered that I have drawn closest to
the Savior when I was hurting the most. He has never failed me. The
scripture, "Come unto Me and I will give you rest," has kept me going so
many times when my body just wanted to quit. Now that I am cancer
free, I can look back and picture myself being carried in the arms of
Jesus. He was always there, urging me on, whispering in my ear to never
give up, pulling me as close to Him as I was willing to come, all the time
saying, "Come closer, my child; depend on Me completely and I will see
you through this, no matter what the outcome."

He put some special people in my path, people who lifted me up and
encouraged me with their love and prayers. I have come to believe that our
steps are truly ordered - each and every one. My job is to seek out
and walk in the steps He has planned for me.

Cancer certainly got my attention, but in all the chaos of wondering
about the outcome came sure knowledge that I was being carried in strong
loving arms that would never let me go. I asked God, "why", many times
and while I know He understood my frailty as a servant, He kept giving
me the same answer, "Hang on, I am with you, we can do this together."
If you sometimes feel like one of those lambs with a broken leg, just
know that if you ask, the Savior will pick you up, hold you tightly, and
carry you until you can stand again. Jesus Christ, the Good Shepherd
always will forever call you to come closer, never pushing you away.

Depending on Him Completely
Tina

Thursday, February 17, 2005 10:59 PM CST

Okay, I am sure many of you did not expect to hear from me tonight but I have said from the beginning that this journal was for me and a place for me to pour out my heart and you all just get to listen.

Today was a very difficult day and I know it will not be the most difficult one to come. The morning started out with my dearest friends showing up to help me get dressed. I am not sure if they were afraid I might back out or what. As we were all waiting to go the the church we were watching none other that Nascar and Micheal was doing very well. We didn't get to see the end but before th funeral started we got word that Michael had won. Congratulations Michael I know you had a very special passenger with you today and I hope he comes along for the ride this weekend. You know that you don't have to win for us to love you though.

The service was absolutley perfect. I couldn't believe when I looked around the church and realized that it was full. Once again I was reminded of how blessed we were to be given the pleasure of being Stanton's parents. At one point in the service the sunlight was shining through the windows. It was about the time Dean began singing "I can only Imagine". It was almost like Stanton was giving us a glimpse of where he was and how happy he was. A very special friend had arranged to have all the law enforcement officers sit together and escort Stanton to the cemetery. Keith, I know Stanton would have loved it with all of the "woo woo" men. I felt so humbled as we walked between these rows of officers getting in our car. I really thought I would have more trouble at the grave site than I did but I think that is when the "undescribable peace" came. I knew that Stanton was not there, this was just his earthly body's resting place.

I loved to hear Brother Wayne talk about Stanton today and how he lived life to the fullest even in his sickest of days. I know as adults we can learn so much from children and as I have said before many lessons have been learned from an amazing little boy.

Something else Brother Wayne talked about was actually something I had read about before. He talked about a short life not being a meaningless life. Stanton was able to accomplish more in his 4 short years than most of us can ever hope to accomplish in a lifetime. Yes, for some reason God decided to pick Stanton before he was in full bloom but he definatley served the purpose he was put on earth to do. Ironically, my quiet time this morning was from a chapter called "Growing Old". This chapter talked about what you did as you grow old and the meaning behind it. One quote from this that stood out at me first thing this morning was "The wisest ones are not the one with the most years on their lives but the most life in their years". Stanton was very very wise.

I can't thank those of you enough who traveled from so far to be a part of our Celebration of Stanton's life. With all of my Memphis family here it felt so much like "home".

Trish-I love you more than words could ever express. I was so glad that you were able to sneak away for a couple of days for some TNT time, I know it was hard. Your being here made things just a little easier to bear. Know that although we are seperated by many miles you will always be with me in my heart.

I know the days to come will be the hardest and I wil continue to live moment to moment. Everything I do will in some way remind me of Stanton and I will face each as it comes. Please continue to pray for strength for all of us as we begin to try to restart life without a HUGE part of it. I could go on and on but will save some for another journal as well as many more thank you's.

His Grace will be sufficient
Tina

Wednesday, February 16, 2005 11:48 PM CST

Words just can't express our gratitude for the love and support shown for us tonight. We left tonight feeling the love for Stanton of so many. Please pray for us tomorrow as it will be the most difficult so far.

Not sure if there will ever be 2 sets again
Tina

Tuesday, February 15, 2005 10:52 PM CST

One more day down. Today was not to bad, we had a few loose ends to tie up on Stanton's arrangements but overall was a pretty quiet day.

This morning Shawn Patrick from Channel 6 news in Shreveport called and wanted to do a story on Stanton. Many of you may remember the great story he did a few months ago about Stanton and the race cars. This was pretty difficult to do but we felt like we needed to do this for Stanton. As we watched the story tonight and as it showed footage from the previous story my heart ached! I could almost feel Stanton hanging on my neck. Once again they did a wonderful job on a tribute to Stanton's life.

I told you that there were many thank you's to come and I will start them tonight.

First of all thank you all so much for the words on encouragement in the guestbook. I sit down and read the scripture, poems and prayers and get up feeling better.

Dr. Furman-I wish I had the words to express our feelings for you and how much you meant to us. I cannot imagine having your job after the weekend you had but I know there are times it can be equally as rewarding. I know and have seen your dedication and love of "your" children. You most certainly earned a place in Stanton's heart and will forever hold a very special place in ours. We know there is a cure and that you will continue to do all that you can to find it and I promise you that we will do all that we can to help you by supporting St. Jude's. I am already feeling some Dr. Furman withdrawals. Thank you again for being a great Christian doctor as well as friend.

Sandy-Oh how I hate you weren't with us this weekend but as I have said before you have to put yourself first sometimes. You sacrifice so much for "your" kids. Rest assured that you will still receive phone calls and emails from me just to keep you on your toes. I cannot imagine the last 2 years without you. You were often the soft and gentle touch I needed to get through a moment. There is no doubt that you won Stanton as you will forever be a part of our family in the form of a palomino horse. Please keep up the great work and continue making each and every child and family special. We love you so much.

There are so many more therefore you will only get a couple a day.

We know the next few days will be the toughest, although I can't wait to see our St. Jude friends tomorrow. We will continue to take it minute by minute and rejoice in knowing Stanton is taking care of us each and every minute.

Still being carried
Tina

Monday, February 14, 2005 11:14 PM CST

Happy Birthday Stanton! We love you more than our arms can reach. We hope you loved your rainbow balloons. Mommy, Daddy and Bubba miss you so much but we know you had a party like no other today.

I promised I would continue to update and I hope ou all have some time since it has been a while since you have heard from me. I wish I had some great words of wisdom that I could share with you about our lives the last 3 days but none seem to come.

As through this entire journey God made sure his presence was felt all weekend long. He made sure Jeff and I had very few decisions to make and placed people in our path that we needed the very most. First of all when Stanton got so sick and had to be admitted it was strange that once we got to the hospital all of his symptoms subsided. He really never wanted to leave the hospital to begin with. Saturday he woke up a little sweeter than ususal and by about 10:30 we did not think he would make it until lunch. He proved himself as a fighter until the very end. After a few hours he seemed to perk up and went about telling everyone their goodbyes in his own special way. When we went to bed that night we had no idea that when we awoke our prescious baby would no longer be with us. As usual Stanton did things his way and he knew that we would have a very hard time watching him take his last breath so he waited until Jeff had been asleep for about 30 minutes. Stanton went to be with Jesus peacefully. Something woke Jeff up and the rest is history. I wish I could say I felt this unbelievable peace immediately but that would not be true. What I can say is that our decision to stay in Memphis was the best decision we could have ever made. I cannot tell you how much the support of the nurses and friends meant to us. These people got up in the middle of the night to come comfort us. I have many thank you's for this weekend but will save them for another journal.

As I said we decided to come back to Minden which was hard. I know this sounds crazy but Memphis had become home. SInce being home we have had incredible support from friends and family.

I still look around for Stanton to come around the corner. I look at his pictures and can't believe that I will never hold him again. He left us with so many memories that will never be forgotten. My mother reminded me that I had spent the last 2 years with Stanton almost all day everyday. Not many people can say that. He taught me more in his 4 years than I had learned in 32 and I will forever be grateful to God for feeling me worthy of such a special child, not to mention he blessed me with another son.

We got up this morning and went to the funeral home. Each step is hard but after each step I am beginning to feel that unbeleivable peace. We also met with Brother Wayne and I know the service is going to be incredible and will continue to spread Stanton's joy and inspiration. I have had to do things I never dreamed I would have to do for one of my children but once again baby steps.

I know the most difficult days are still to come, but I know that with God holding me in His arms I can't go wrong. I guess I can't stress enough that Stanton did not lose his battle, he won the battle it is those of us left here to miss him who are left out. I also want everyone to know that it is God and our faith in his ultimate healing and sacrifices that has kept us going on a day to day basis and this will not change.

One verse that keep coming to mind is 2 Timothy 4:7

I have fought the fight, I have finished the race, I have kept the faith.

Keeping the faith
Tina

Our local newspaper ran an article on Stanton today and I will post the link but it really doesn't do it justice. There is a HUGE picture of Stanton and the captions reads "His smile is now eternal".

I also want to ask for special prayers for Trish and Emma Grace. As a St. Jude patient no matter what the age they have a tremendous amount of knowledge of death. Stanton's death has had a HUGE impact on Emma Grace and she is really down which is not where we need her in the middle of her fight. She is back in the hospital and really withdrawing which is not her at all. We miss this family more than words could ever say. We love you guys!

One more special prayer request. My daddy's brother, Glen earned his angel wings one day before Stanton. His funeral will be tomorrow. Please pray for my daddy as this will be a very difficult week for him and he meand the absolute world to me!!!!

I also continue to be humbled by the entries on the guestbook. You all are amazing people who have touched out lives in a way that you will never know.

Sunday, February 13, 2005 4:57 AM CST

SUNDAY 11:17

I just wanted to write a brief thank you to everyone for the continued prayers. Although the road home was long, Jeff, Hayden and I are back in Minden. I will post the arrangements as they are finalized. Many have asked if I will continue to journal and my answer to that will be yes. I can't wait to share with all of Stanton's extended family his last days with us. One set of footprints holding many people!

Tina

This is Trish for my precious sister, Tina and brother Jeff.

For the little man who fought the bravest fight I can even muster to describe, our little Stanton earned his much deserved angel wings this morning shortly after 2:00.
No more stuggles, no more pain, yes, no more cancer and thank you Lord for Stanton's perfect healing.

Thank you for lifting Stanton's family in prayer. We love you dearly.

Victory is His and now ... it's Stanton's as well! He's safe in the arms of Jesus.

Only by His Grace - Trish for my sister Tina

Saturday, February 12, 2005 6:00 PM CST

This is Trish again filling in for my sister, Tina & brother, Jeff. They wanted me to let you know they are still in the hospital and Stanton is still bravely fighting to hang on.

Today has been an extremely tough day as Stanton has started into multi-organ failure. Things started turning this morning with his condition getting worse. The nurses and doctors are incredible and are keeping him as comfortable as possible.

What an amazing little man our Stanton is ... such a little fighter. God certainly has blessed his little life and what a blessing he is to ours.

Please continue to lift Mr. Stanton, Hayden, Jeff, Tina and the rest of their families as they face this incredibly tough times. Our hearts are broken as we try to support, love and pray for them during this time. Please especially pray for comfort and peace. We know Stanton is being held close to the heart of Jesus with an amazing love we will one day fully understand.

I know Tina & Jeff would like me to thank you all so very much again for your compassion and prayers during this journey. We will be sure to update you with any changes. Please keep those prayers going on their behalf. We love you all!

Only By His Grace - Tina's Sister, Trish

Friday, February 11, 2005 8:56 PM CST

I really don't know where to begin since my wonderful wife is the writer of the family.But here it goes we are in the hospital now Stanton was sick at his tummy all night long that is the reason ya'll are reading my hen pecking instead of Tina. He has not been sick since we left the Target House you know just our luck.He has been such a trooper the last two years he makes his daddy very proud.I know by the guest book he has touched alot of lives I wish I could touch half as many in my life time.He has really touched mine. Being a big man such as myself it really tears me apart that I can't fix it for him so as my wife would say I have just gave it all to God. You know she says there is one set of foot prints in the sand he been caring a big load me and her.We are holding on to special moments minute by minute.Still hoping for a miracle!But knowing he will be at peace ethier way. Dads don't have to be tough all the time hug your kids everyday and thank the Lord for that day.I know ya'll wanted a great journal entry like Tina always does maybe she will be rested so she can give you a little more knowledge than I can come up with. Love your kids daily and hold them tight tell them you love them. Standing in one set of footprints together. Thanks to everyone signing the guest book your words have helped us in this most difficult time Praying for my Son and family Jeff

Friday, February 11, 2005 0:15 AM CST

I have to start this entry from this morning. As you all know I got up early to go to the Ronald McDonald House to speak on their annual radiothon. For me to get up early you must know how much this charity means to me. I got to the house and it was the first time I had been back since Stanton had been classified as terminal. I had no idea the emotions that I would have being back there, but I almost didn’t make it in the door. Once I did I got weak in the knees. Lucky for Sherri she didn’t give me much time or I might have backed out. The radio personalities were great and very compassionate but it was the first time I had told our story now that the journey is on its last leg. I made it okay during the interview but when I stood up Sherri was there just as she promised and I just fell apart. They actually played the interview at least once more during the day. It was as hard to listen to as it was to do it. We listened to the radio most of the day and are in complete AWE of the donations that came in in honor of Stanton. Thank you all from the bottom of our hearts.

I got back to the Target House and decided to just have a little quiet time since everyone else was still sleeping. I hadn’t been here 5 minutes when I felt the building shaking. It only last for about a minute. My first thought was “God what in the world are you trying to tell me?” I then looked out to see if something had run into the building which it had not. I then turned on the radio to find out that it had been an earthquake. Yes you read right, about 4.2 on the Richter scale. Now in Memphis we have been in a tornado, ice storm, snow storm and earthquake. I guess I should be thankful we are not close to any water. Needless to say when Jeff woke up he didn’t believe me until I showed him on the internet.

The rest of the day was pretty quiet. Stanton was actually awake a lot more today than usual. He was still very distant but he also moved from the bedroom to the den to sit on the couch. We adjusted some of his medicines to try to control the nausea that he is having. I continue to be amazed at his understanding. I know the time will come when Jeff and I will have to talk to him about what is going on but after talking to Kathy, the hospice nurse we realize he is going through the stages of dying and understanding them at a very young age. He does let her in his room and actually talks to her which gives us some comfort in knowing he can talk to someone since he feels like he needs to protect us. He told Ms. Kathy today to take care of his mommy and daddy. When I talked to him he told me he was worried about me and bubba but daddy would be okay.

I wish I could say that I had completely accepted this but each day is a struggle and every little sign I take as maybe this is the turnaround point. My prayer each night is the same as always, for complete healing for Stanton but watching him day to day is so very very hard.

Emma Grace got out of the hospital tonight. There is great comfort in just knowing they are right next door. I think they have come up with a way to manage her pain so that maybe she can stay outpatient.

Little Emilie has been in the hospital back home with a fever. I hate I have not mentioned her sooner but please pray for her to be home soon.

Tonight’s verse is one that I have used often but one that kept coming up today.

2 Corinthians 12:9

My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in your weakness.

The devotional talked about God being enough. If His grace was all we had would we be happy. The fact of the matter is that most of us have so much more than just His grace. Take a minute to think about that. If all you had was His grace. God is sufficient to meet your needs no matter how hard they may seem. This is a promise that I hold onto daily and one that keeps me going when I feel like I can’t go anymore. God promises us that He is near to those of us with a broken heart. I guess that is why he is spending so much time carrying me these days.

“Snuggle in God’s arms. When you are hurting, when you feel lonely or left out, let Him cradle you, comfort you, reassure you of His all sufficient love and power.” Kay Arthur

I cannot tell you how much the guestbook entries and emails mean to me. I find myself checking them several times a day and usually walking away feeling uplifted. It is incredible to see the paths that have crossed ours and to hear how Stanton has touched a life means so much. As for all of you complimenting me on my strength, know that I take no credit for anything that I write, it comes straight from my heart which is straight from the Lord. I give Him all of the glory.

Snuggling as usual
Tina

Don’t forget about the radiothon, it runs until 10:00 tomorrow, I would love to know that Stanton helped them to reach their goal. The number is 1-800-230-KIDS.

We also have family traveling up tomorrow so please pray that they will have safe travels.

Wednesday, February 9, 2005 11:41 PM CST

Words seem harder and harder to come by. I guess until you live this life there is no way to understand. I know that God has given us this special time for a reason and we are just trying to soak up every minute. Things that once weren’t so important are now the highlight of our day. How do I explain that each time Stanton’s whispers a feeble “I love you” my mind wonders if it will be the last time I hear those words from him. As I bathed him tonight and he rolled over and I saw the spots on his hips where he has had so many bone marrow biopsies all I could think of was all that his little body has been through in the last 2 years. How his life has been so different from any other 4 year old. I had a devotional today entitled “When I grow up”; this is a statement that we will never hear from Stanton. As I thought about all of these things I also thought about the things Stanton has done at 4 that most of us can only hope to accomplish in our entire lifetime.

He was pretty tired today but there was one point when he wanted to play and with all things, Polly Pockets. He and Hayden played for a little while. One thing we have noticed is how Stanton is distancing himself from those he seemed to love the most Hayden being the main one. It tears all of us up to see him turn Hayden away time and time again. Hayden- we continue to be so proud of you and want you to know that Stanton loves you very much. He seems to be trying to protect you. Know that you have been the best big brother anyone could ask for.

We had many special visitors today. He even let Nurse Karen in the room to play Polly pockets which is HUGE! We also had a couple of special phone calls today. The first being from Kevin Windham, a major super cross rider. Of course Stanton would not talk but he spoke to Jeff and Hayden. All I could think of was what a special person to take the time to call.

Stanton never got to go on his Make A Wish trip, I won’t get into all of the reasons but for those of you who have followed us for sometime you might remember our trip to North Carolina to meet Michael Waltrip. We at that time told Domino’s that we couldn’t imagine anything topping that trip. Our experience was incredible for actually 2 weekends. We met many people who work for Domino’s that we consider dear friends but more than anything Stanton formed a very special bond with Michael. We knew how much he liked him them but listening to the stories he tells now we realize how much he really took in. Well, the social worker was asking if there was anything that he might wish for that could come to him. We asked him and mentioned Dora, Mickey, Spiderman and several others. His response was “Michael Waltrips”. “I want him to play race cars and I will be 15 and he can be Jeff Gordon”. When Domino’s got the word on Stanton’s condition within a couple of hours Michael was on the phone. Stanton again, would not talk but you can’t know how much it means to us that he called and tried to talk to him. He did say only for Stanton would he be Jeff Gordon.

As I mentioned yesterday tomorrow start the radiothon for the Ronald McDonald House. I know I tend to ask you often to do something for Stanton but this is another charity that holds such a special place in our hearts. So here goes starting early tomorrow morning you can call 1-800-230-KIDS to make a donation to the Memphis RMH. Call and tell them that it is for Stanton. I,who am not a morning person, am going to be on the air starting at 7:45 in the morning. (this should tell you how much this means to me).

I am going to end with a devotional that I got on email today. It is a story from the Bible that was one of Stanton’s favorites.

Glory In The Ordinary
by Max Lucado

There are certain things anyone knows not to do. You don't try to lasso
a tornado. You don't fight a lion with a toothpick. You don't sneeze
into the wind. You don't go bear hunting with a cork gun. And you don't
send a shepherd boy to battle a giant.

You don't, that is, unless you are out of options. Saul was. And it is
when we are out of options that we are most ready for God's surprises.

Was Saul ever surprised!

The king tried to give David some equipment. "What do you want, boy?
Shield? Sword? Grenades? Rifles? A helicopter? We'll make a Rambo out of
you."

David had something else in mind. Five smooth stones and an ordinary
leather sling.

The soldiers gasped. Saul sighed. Goliath jeered.

David swung. And God made his point. "Anyone who underestimates what
God can do with the ordinary has rocks in his head."

I defiantly have a 4 year old son who took ordinary and made himself extraordinary.

Still believing in Miracles
Tina

Wednesday, February 9, 2005 0:35 AM CST

Today was a long day and a little strange feeling. We had a rough night last night just because Stanton was up a lot going to the bathroom and generally not comfortable.

When we got up I decided to call the clinic and check on getting blood and platelets. I knew he needed them just needed verification of when I could come. Before I could get ready Stanton picked the skin off of his lips (about the 12th layer) and it began to bleed and bleed and bleed. Needless to say his platlets were 3 and hemoglobin was 6.3 so he needed blood and platelets.

The first thing I do in the morning if I am by myself is check my email and guestbok. I want to share an email that sent me into tears early this morning. It was from my sister Jamie, who I love more than anything and has done from the beginning anything Stanton wanted. She had a very special bond with him that can't be explained. I know you are wondering iif you are so close then why did she email, that would be because the subject was one that neither of us would have been able to talk about. After this weekend when Stanton was so ugly to Mary Claire we knew that she needed to know the truth for her benefit as well as Stanton's and ours. She had emailed me to tell me that they had talked last night and some of Mary Claire's concerns. To know that Stanton will never go back home to play with her really hit home. I guess I share this with you because we have so much family back home between Jeff and I tha are having to deal with this situation from afar and I know that it must be so hard. I know many of you who read this work with Mom, Jamie, Scotty, O.H., Debbie, Dana, Hank, and see Dad and Sug at church not to mention the whole rest of the Haynes clan and my Mamaw Miller. Please take the time to offer them an extra hug, a little slack or just a few words of enouragement. I know they are hurting.

Stanton actually got up with me about 8 this morning and just laid on the couch with me and looked out the window. He didn't want the TV on, it was some very special time.

When he heard we were going to St. Jude he kind of perked up a little bit. He really never wanted to leave there on Saturday to begin with. I don't know what I was expecting but things were different. I felt like an outsider looking in. Here were all these children getting treatment to get better and I was bringing my child in for comfort measures only. I can't say enough about Nicole, Sandy and Dr. Furman and the compassion they have shown us throughout this latest ordeal as well as the entire 2 years. When I say St. Jude is a family I truly mean it.

Emma Grace's moments of freedom did not last long as she was admitted again today. I guess God knew I needed my TNT time last night.

While I am on the subject of very special places I want to mention the Ronald McDonald House. They are having their big fundraiser which is a radiothon Thursday and Friday. I believe I will be on the air Thursday morning. I will post the 800 number tomorrow. This house along with many of the staff members have become such a very important part of our life. We actually have lived there longer than we have lived in our own house in the last 2 years. Stay tuned for more details.

I feel like I should have such words od wisdom and encouragement but the words just aren't there. Please don't get me worng, I still have my daily time but nothing has jumped out as needing to share not to mention so many of you have shared your words of encouragment that mean SO much! Thank you all for the entries, emails and calls. I wish I could respond to each and every one of them.

Trying to imagine life without my baby
Tina

Tuesday, February 8, 2005 1:37 AM CST

Where do I start? I know this should get easier, but we are just not there yet. Until today Stanton’s pain was well under control, in fact we thought we may have had him on to much Morphine but he woke up this morning with his stomach hurting and literally laid in bed all day. He did allow us to give his a sponge bath and got up a little bit tonight. I know the day will come where he will sleep much more than he is awake, I am just not ready yet.

We met with our Hospice nurse today who is wonderful. This again is just a hard step to make. Just the word hospice is something I hoped I would never have to deal with especially with my baby.

Mom and Dad left today, talk about hard. I wasn’t quite sure either one of them would get in the car but they did. I know that they are only a phone call away and will be back as soon as I need them.

We had several special guests today. Stanton slept through all of them although Todd did manage a small response. Todd DuBose came with his oldest daughter Melodie and 2 of his very dear friend from Little Rock. We got to enjoy a picnic on the floor (yes the table is full) and just some special time. Todd and Alisha’s support has been tremendous and unwaivering. We love you guys!

Our next surprise was Renee and Marshall Greene (fellow St. Jude family from Minden) who were up for check-ups. Renee has been such a support in just helping me know what to expect. With them came Jenny and Emily Mourad. These are 2 very special people who have always held a special place in out hearts as we have watched Jared grow up with Dakota. I can remember Jenny fighting over Stanton several summers at the ball park. Emily, what you did for the children of St. Jude was so special. Thank you. You obviously have a HUGE heart.

A friend of ours from high school who lives in West Memphis brought supper by. Home cooking is always welcome. Thank you Christy we enjoyed it.

The next BIG surprise was Emma Grace was discharged from the hospital. Yes, now we are within rooms of each other. Stanton wasn’t really excited about Emma Grace being home (once again his protection mechanism) but I was filled with joy to have Trish back. We got to spend a little time visiting which I am sure is the first of many long conversations.

My Devotional tonight comes from a book “Prayers of a loving mother”. The devotion talks about the difficult days that mothers face (this is not just cancer mom’s). When we find ourselves in such deep despair we must turn our thoughts upward. If we reach out to Him, He will restore perspective and peace in our soul.

John 16:33

In this world you will have trouble. But take heart! I have overcome the world.

Dear Heavenly Father, when I am troubled, You heal me. When I am afraid, You protect me. When I am discouraged, You lift me up. You are my unending source of strength, Lord; let me turn to you when I am weak. In times of adversity, let me trust Your plan and Your will for my life. And whatever my circumstances, Lord, let me always give thanks and the glory to you. Amen

Please continue to keep Stanton and the rest of or family in your prayers as each day goes by things will get harder and harder.

Just can’t manage to walk on my own yet
Tina

Monday, February 7, 2005 0:42 AM CST

We are blessed! Okay I am sure many of you are wondering how in the world can she say this? Well, as usual I am going to tell you.

First of all we were surrounded by family and friends at Stanton's birthday party. I would love to name everyone by name but I the journal would be very long (no Don that would be no different). We got up this morning because Stanton wanted to go to the party store and pick out his oen plates. This sounded like a good idea but once we got there he didn't feel so great so the trip was quick. We got back and the lobby was full of people waiting on the guest of honor. The biggest surprise being my entire staff who drove in last night equipped with all of the makings for a birthday party. I have often told you what an amazing group these women are but today topped all. The party started off kind of slow as Stanton was pretty grumpy. Once we pulled the confetti out things livened up a bit. He also had his very own cake compliments of Larron and Anita King which he made sure to share with several people by painting their faces with the icing. He also had a Dora cake and 2 cookie cakes (exactly what his highness ordered). I must say that as hard as I tried to hold it together I didn't do very well. I guess one of the blessings would be that I know that this will be Stanton's last birthday therefore maybe we were able to make it a little more special. On the other hand knowing we would never share another party with him is still hard to imagine. After the confetti he got into the cards and had a ball opening the cards all filled with money. It has taken him all day and he is still not finished. He got tired and wanted to come back to the room and rest but that was to be expected.

After things died down a little Jeff got a chance to get our with his Dad, Hank and Hayden. While mom straightened up the room I took the opportunity to take a little much needed nap.

Stanton actually got up to go downstairs to the Super Bowl party for a little while. Once again, it did not last long but it was better than nothing. After another nap he decided that he was going to get up out of bed and play with bubba. This lasted for a good while and as of a few minutes ago he was still laying in bed telling stories.

As you all have read our big St. Jude auction was going on back home. This is another blessing for today. Once again a record was broken and over 509,000 was raised for St. Jude. From what I hear Minden opened their hearts and checkbooks for St. Jude and Stanton this weekend. For all of you who participated by volunteering or donating CONGRATULATIONS on a job well done. It means the world to us and we know the money is well spent. Laura and Christi-as always I am so proud of you. I know it takes many people to pull the auction off but I also know how many hours you two put into making this a success and what a success it was!

Most of our family is gone back home. Mom and Dad will be leaving tomorrow. Hayden is going to stay here with us. I can only imagine that the days will be longer and harder as they go on but we will continue to take it one day at a time, thanking God for the many blessings through all of the heartache.

One set still
Tina

I truly have enjoyed all of the guestbook entries. I draw much strength from the scriptures and seeing the names of all of the prayer warriors. As I mentioned last night part of me feels like we have given up on Stanton but I know we are doing what is best. We still believe in miracles and know that Stanton's healing will be done on his temporary home on earth or his eternal home in heaven.

Sunday, February 6, 2005 0:04 AM CST

Today, how in the world can I put into words the emotions of today. First of all when Jeff and I got up reality really sank in. We would soon be packing up our hospital room for possibly the last time. Needless to say, we did not get in a hurry and waited until the very last minute.

Mom/Dad and crew showed up with a little surprise up their sleeve. For those of you who don’t know when a child finishes treatment they get a “no mo chemo party”. Well Stanton never got the full effect of his party last year due some breakdown in the system but Mom and Hayden made sure this did not happen this time. I know it sounds a little strange and maybe a little sick to some to have a party when you are taking your child home to die but the look on Stanton’s face as we shot confetti guns, blew bubbles and shot silly string was worth more than words can say. Equipped with party hats and blowers we made the best out of the worst situation. I won’t lie and say that I wasn’t forced to leave and meltdown occasionally but Stanton had fun. When his nurse, Ms. Nancy saw what was going on the next thing we knew she was coming in with a no mo chemo cake. Stanton got to eat a little and play in the icing a lot. Once again priceless memories were made. It took me some time to get the icing out of my hair. Dr. Santana even joined in by wearing a party hat.

When the time came to leave I wasn’t sure I would be able to walk out of the doors. I had such mixed emotions, part of me felt like I was giving up on him while the other part knew I had no choice. St. Jude will always hold such a very special place in our hearts and saying goodbye today was far from easy.

As the day went on we were surrounded by family. I am not even going to list all of you because I know there are more on the way. I must say there were times when I just needed to be alone but more times when I needed them around to help keep my sanity (yes for those of you who are questioning that statement at one time I was sane). The biggest surprise though was Sug, Jeff’s grandmother. We did not think that her health would enable her to make the trip but as usual she put herself second and someone she loves first which is the story of her life. Sug, I can’t tell you how much it meant to see you today. I love you so much.

We also met with the hospice nurse which was hard although we knew what to expect. Who ever dreams that they would have to sign a DNR on their 3 year old. I think this is most certainly going to be the best choice for us.

One other emotion that comes along with dealing with a terminally ill child is FRUSTRATION. Frustration when you can’t seem to make him happy no matter what you do. As Jeff and I stood in our exact designated spots tonight while Stanton decided what he wanted to drink (I had already brought in one of everything that we had) I asked Jeff if he felt like a puppet. Stanton gets so angry and mean to everyone. I know most people understand but for the little ones it is a little harder. I know in my heart that he knows exactly what is going on and just like all of us is mad at the world and these outbursts are his way of showing them. It is still hard as he screams at you to remain composed knowing his underlying condition.

We will be having a birthday party for him tomorrow at 11:00 in Target House II dining room. This is an invitation for anyone in the area who would like to come share this special time with us and our family. Stanton’s birthday is not until Valentine’s day but we decided not to wait. Tomorrow if he does not feel much like a party we will just enjoy the fellowship of all of our friends and family. We would like no gifts, if you feel the need to do something for Stanton please make a donation to St. Jude in his honor.

I left the devotional last night up to my guestbook and although there are some great entries again today (thank you all) I am going to share my Bedtime Blessings.

“In all of my years of walking with the Lord, O have yet to meet one Christian who has “lived happily ever after.” On the other hand, I have met a great many significant saints who have endured affliction, loss, disappointments, setbacks, failures, and incredible pain through the years. And I have seen many of those same men and women… cling to their joy, radiate hope, and sustain a winsome spirit…even through heartache…even through tears…even at deaths door.

Phillipians 4:19

My God shall supply all your needs according to His riches in glory in Christ Jesus.

I know that I will never completely understand God’s plan for my life. I will continue to live one day at a time making the most out of every minute.

Still Only One Set of Footprints
Tina

All of our great Minden supporters, when I talked to them at the auction tonight I heard we were running a little behind on grand prize tickets being sold. Please please please step up to the plate and make this auction bigger than ever. Chris Xifos and the others from MHS that shaved your heads today, you guys are the best. Chris, you will always hold such a special place in our hearts as the little boy that Jeff coached in baseball. Way to go Minden High!!!!!

Saturday, February 5, 2005 0:38 AM CST

I have written this journal over and over again in my mind yet the words still seem hard. First of all I want to thank Trish for updating for me last night. I knew everyone was waiting on news and I just couldn’t make myself type the words.

Clinically the reports were that the only living cells in Stanton’s bone marrow were neuroblastoma cells. The CT also showed some spots on his liver that were most probably neuroblastoma. We knew that we were going to be told that there was still cancer there, just call it mom/dad instinct. What we were not fully prepared for was the magnitude of the information. Basically the chemo that we just finished was a last ditch effort (we knew this going in). In Stanton’s case the cancer recovered before his bone marrow had a chance to. Jeff and I were given our choices, none of which we liked. Any other treatment would most likely have Stanton in the hospital from now until the end and he would end up in ICU on a ventilator. Jeff and I have always put Stanton and his well being first and the doctors agreed that our only option at this point would be to try to get Stanton out of the hospital so he could enjoy what time he has left. He still has pretty good spurts of energy which is amazing in itself. One commitment we had made to Stanton was that we would always do what was best for him not necessarily what we want. Having Stanton spend his last weeks in the hospital is not what he wants. I know you have to ask yourself how does a 3 year old know what he wants so I will give you a couple of examples: Yesterday when Jeff and I were beyond upset and knew we needed to get away for a minute Miss Amy from child life came to paint with him. When she came in he said “You have to paint with me because my mommy and daddy are crying because I have cancer”. Later on in the day he was sitting in my lap and his arm was hurting, I asked him if he wanted medicine in his magic lines to make him feel better. He immediately said “No, no more medicine in my magic lines, it makes me sick, I don’t want anymore mean old chemo medicine”. When I assured him the medicine would make him feel better and we would not put anymore chemo in his magic lines, he said “but I still have cancer”. How do you explain to your toddler about everything that he is going through, except that we don’t. We will take it one day at a time and explain to him as he needs to know

When we asked the doctors how long they just said “Not very”. With this in mind we had another decision to make, do we stay in Memphis or go home. I know many of you won’t understand the decision we made and you could never until you have walked in our shoes. We have decided to stay in Memphis at the Target House. There will be a hospice nurse that will come daily and help us. I know I don’t have to explain but I will try to give you a little insite into our decision. Stanton has lived in Memphis for ½ of his life. St. Jude is his normal. St. Jude is also our comfort zone. They deal with this on a daily basis and know what is best for Stanton as well as Jeff, Hayden and I. We have tremendous support here in the staff and our St. Jude families. Our goal will be to have as much fun as possible while keeping Stanton as comfortable as possible.

Now for some thanks. To all of you who have signed the guestbook-you will never know how uplifting it has been today to check the site and hear from the people praying for Stanton and sharing how he has touched you life. I will print this book as a reminder so in my darjkest days I can look back and remember that none of the suffering was in vain.

Mom/Dad/Jamie-thank you for dropping everything to come be with us during this difficult time. I know Stanton does not always show it but it means the world to us.

Hayden-you have traveled this journey with tremendous strength. You have done whatever we needed you to for us to be with Stanton. I know this is terribly tough on you but always know that me and daddy are so proud of you.

Dr. Furman-what can I say. You are incredible. Like I told you, it was obvious this week that your job is more than an occupation, it is your life. We were blessed to have you as our doctor these past 2 years. I know yesterday was almost as hard on you as it was on us. It is also reassuring to know that you are still there for us for whatever you need. We love you like part of our family. We will continue to support your efforts in Neuroblastoma research by continuing to be supporters of St. Jude in your honor. Please just keep up the hard work, I know there is a cure.

Sandy-I know how hard yesterday was for you. I know that you think of Stanton as one of your own. You again have been such a blessing in our lives and we were lucky to have known you and love you. Just keep up your compassion and you will be loved by many.

Dr. Santana-thank you for being so compassionate this week. I really can’t imagine having anyone I would have rather had on service this week (except Dr. Furman of course). You made your greatest impression on me the day that Zoie died and you showed up at the RMH. I realized then exactly how deep your love for these children ran. Once again, keep up the hard work and find the cure!

Trish-how I hated to make that phone call to you yesterday. I just couldn’t get the words out. In your own midst of turmoil you dropped everything and came running. I would have expected no less, you knew how much I needed you. Thank you so much for the much needed TNT time tonight. I am sure going to miss these late night events. I love you and will forever. Always sisters/Forever friends!

Sherry-There really are no words. You mean the world to me and my family. I never would have dreamed you would have been our house mom for 18 months. I have watched you in action with families who have had bad news and have always admired you for your strength, never dreaming I would need that same strength some day. Thank you! I love you!

Sarah-I hate you came to work this morning to find out our news. Although Katie was wonderful I wish you could have been his last nurse (appropriate since you were his first). We love you so much and you have earned such a special place in Stanton’s heart as well as all of ours.

Dr. Ray-you can never know what it meant for me to see you come through the door this morning. You have really taken us in even when we were just s friend of a patient. You obviously love your job and the children that you help. Please continue to fight for these kids and take extra special care of my baby girl Emma Grace.

To all of the St. Jude staff that I can’t even begin to mention everyone’s name. You all are wonderful. Keep up the great work. St. Jude’s is a place that will always hold a special place in our hearts.

To all who have called to offer their support thank you from the bottom of our hearts. We love you all.

To all of my Minden community, keep up the good work with the auction. The money is desperately needed.

I could end with one of many devotionals I have come across last night and today but there have been so many encouraging words left on the guestbook, I encourage you all to read some of them.

What I want everyone to know first and foremost is that our faith is unwaivering. God loaned us a very special little boy for a much shorter time than we had ever hoped for. As we talked to doctors and nurses today we were reminded of the impact that such a small child has had on so many people. He is amazing and will leave behind many very special memories. We are still praying for a miracle!

With definitely only one set of footprints in the sand
Tina

After I typed this I talked to another good St. Jude friend Chris, Christal’s mom. Christal absolutely loves Jeff and Stanton and she is an adorable kid. They were here for scans in which they received news that they did not want to hear. There are some spots in her brain. I wish I could be more detailed except that there is a phase I study that they can and will try. Please just pray for strength for this family. We feel their pain.

Thursday, February 3, 2005 9:41 PM CST

Well, first of all – this is Trish attempting to fill in for my sister Tina tonight. I’ve sat with the laptop in front of me for several minutes now staring at a blank screen knowing there are no easy words for this entry. So, with a deep breath and a broken heart, I’ll try.

Our worst fears for the results of Little Stanton’s bone marrow aspirate / biopsy have come to surface today. Dr. Furman told Jeff & Tina late this afternoon that Stanton’s bone marrow is completely packed – not a single healthy cell to be found only neuroblastoma cells. Also, the CT shows there appears to be spots on the liver as well and apparently that removes him from the bone marrow transplant possibility. In summary, there is nothing more Stanton’s team is able to do for him other than keep him happy and comfortable.

It goes without saying prayers are needed unlike we have ever asked before. We prayed that this would never be the reason to ask. Please lift Stanton, Tina, Jeff, Hayden and the rest of their family to our Father who has all the answers to the questions we all are asking right now. This is heartbreak that only God fully understands with a love we can only imagine. As Tina mentioned in a recent journal – when we hurt, He hurts.

Thank you for your faithful prayers, your love, friendships and so many wonderful kindnesses you show to this dear family we have adopted as our own. You are truly gifts from God.

Tina asked that I be sure to include the following verse. God promises He would never leave us alone … He’s always here with open Arms, unconditionally.

“Though I walk thru the valley of the shadow of death, I will fear no evil; for Thou art with me and Thy rod and Thy staff they comfort me.” Psalms 23:4

Only By His Grace,
Trish for my Sister, Tina

Wednesday, February 2, 2005 9:59 PM CST

We had a pretty good day today. Stanton was more like himself than he has been in a while. He played hard all day in spite of visiting with me until 3:00 this morning. Sometimes the best conversations are had with Stanton late at night. He even got on his trike and rode to group where he got to fingerpaint. Yes, Miss Amy is much cooler than momma because this would have been off limits for me. He had a blast, even talked nurse Sarah into painting with him.

His LDH continues to climb. The waiting will soon be over as he has bone marrow biopsies and a CT tomorrow. My gut tell me what we will find out but I am still praying and holding out for a miracle. I hope by tomorrow night we have a new game plan.

Brother Wayne drove to Memphis today to just spend some time with Jeff and I and to see Stanton. I know we needed it and I hope it did him some good. Brother Wayne-thank you so much for coming today. Your timing was perfect. Jeff and I both enjoyed getting to spend our individual quiet time with you.

He brought with him a CD that Aleshia had sent. It is called “Comfort” I believe and after listening to it I know why. While the guys were gone to supper and Stanton was sleeping I just sat there and listened to it. I could feel God’s presence in the room. It was like I could feel myself sitting in His lap. The following are the words from a song that really stood out and also one of my favorite Bible verses:

“Trust in the Lord with all of your heart, lean not on your own understanding. In all of your ways acknowledge Him and He will make your path straight. Don’t worry about tomorrow He’s got in under control. Trust in the Lord with all of your heart and He will carry you through.

Lord sometimes it gets so tough to keep my eyes on you when things are going rough. Then I turn my eyes up to the sky and I hear your voice and it says to me “Trust in the Lord with all of you heart…

Trust in the Lord with all of your heart and He will carry you through.”

Emma Grace is still having a time upstairs. She is fighting blood pressure problems now. I think this is a side effect to one of the medicines that she has to have. Please just keep praying for this little girl. She and her family mean the world to us.

I cannot believe that I forgot to mention our special visitors yesterday. Chris , Christal and new baby Kylie came by. Christal is here for scans and eye surgery. Kylie is precious. Jeff and I both got to hold her. Chris says she is a great baby which is not really fair considering Christal is an angel. Chris looks great, it is kind of hard to believe that the last time we saw her she was pregnant. Pray for good scans for them this week.

Also don’t forget the Minden St. Jude Auction this weekend. For all of you working it know that we may not be there physically but are there with all of our heart.

Trusting in the Lord
Tina

Tuesday, February 1, 2005 11:10 PM CST

I guess you can tell it is my night in the room tonight. Stanton has been going to bed early so yes, it would make sense that I would do the same but I seem to be having a little trouble sleeping.

Stanton had an okay day today. He played a good bit and until tonight had no fever. I wish I could say his lab values looked better but that is not the case. His LDH rose a little less than 200 which is better than it could have been but not good. So as of today where we stand is that Thursday they will do another CT looking for a fungus (because of these sporadic fevers this is still a possibility). If they were to find a fungus the cancer kind of gets put on the back burner. They will give him his back up stem cells in order to help his body fight the infection. They will also be doing a bone marrow biopsy on Thursday. The goal was to wait on his immune system to recover but it appears that this is not happening and we need to move forward. They will be looking to see any signs of recovery of his bone marrow as well as looking for the percentage of cancer cells. The bone marrow board also meets tomorrow and they will be discussing Stanton and what their take on things are. Needless to say the options are getting limited.

I was having a pretty rough day and when I got to the Target House I really just lost it. I cried, I prayed and I cried some more. I started looking through my books trying to find some answers or at the least some comfort when my cell phone rang. It was our pastor, Brother Wayne. He asked me to describe Stanton’s condition in my own few words. All I could say was “I am scared to death”. He will be coming to Memphis tomorrow to spend the day with Jeff, Stanton and I. I really hope that the other personalities don’t come our so that he can see how sweet he really can be.

I don’t know how to describe how we are feeling right now except scared. We are at a point I had hoped to never be and the sad thing is we don’t even know what point that is yet. I was reminded by a friend in the guestbook to remain positive. I will continue to tell God what I want and believe with all of my heart that Stanton will be healed.

Staci and Don have been in the medicine room with Jake the last 2 days and we have really enjoyed their visits to check on us. This is a family that has become so special to us. Another one of those St. Jude bonds that will never be broken. Thank you guys for all that you continue to do to keep our spirits up.

Emma Grace continues to battle tummy troubles. I think they will be doing an endoscopy Thursday t o see for sure what the cause of this is. One perk these days for Trish is Allie has been moved back to the 4th floor so she and Nancy can have some much needed time together.

If I remember correctly Jake will also be having a CT done Thursday so all I can say is God’s ears should be very tired by Thursday evening.

I wanted to share a prayer from a book sent to me by my 2nd mother (thanks Mrs. Gail) called Prayed for Comfort. In looking through my books today the title seemed pretty appropriate.

“O Father, I feel my heart panic. I am so afraid because my world seems to be in such horrible jeopardy. Help me turn to you for courage during this dreadful time. Increase my faith and strengthen my confidence in your care for mine (and Stanton’s) welfare. Amen.”

Proverbs 3:26-29

Do not be afraid of sudden panic…for the Lord will be your confidence.

I am also starting a new Max Lucado book called “He Still Moves Stones” I can’t wait to share it with you as well.

I will end with the quote from “Everyday Blessings” for February “God hurts when we hurt”

Spending a lot of time in God’s lap
Tina

Monday, January 31, 2005 9:57 PM CST

To say today had been a difficult one would be an understatement. When I got a copy of Stanton's labs this morning the magic "tumor marker number" was up to over 1000 (not really outside of the normal but well on its way). This number is not sure fire way of measuring neuroblastoma as there are several things that can cause it to elevate but you can imagine my first thoughts. Dr. Furman feared that his cancer might recover faster than his bone marrow and I have prayed desperately today that this lab value is not an indication of this happening. One good thing is that the doctor on the floor this week is "Wild Man" Santana. This a doctor that Dr. Furman works closely with on the treatment of neuroblastoma so I know I have 2 of the best minds God has to offer surveying the situation. Please pray that this elevated number is caused by some other underlying factor and not the neuroblastoma cells. Please pray for his white count to recover and for him to remain fever free. We had no more scares of the 105 range.

As I faced this today it took all I had to not get down. I did shed my tears, I have conversed with God several times and we are in agreement that whatever happens is what He chooses and I will use it to glorify His name. A pretty hard conclusion to admit to.

Tonight during my much needed quiet time my devotional was entitled "Understanding God's love and justice". There are so many days when I have to wonder how can God love me is he keep putting me in this situation, haven't I passed the test? Only to be reminded that there is no test I have to pass. I have accepted Christ as my savior and that is all I need for Him to love me. This love of God can help me endure many things. Circumstances that ordinarily knock us flat are nothing when we are face-to-face with the power of God.

The Bible tells us that God's love is unconditional and that His character is just. Truly knowing God in His fullness leads to stronger deeper faith. Much more than simply an emotion, God's love is an unwavering commitment to what is in our best interest, and is given unreservedly.

Have you ever felt as if you have reached the end of the road and the only choice ahead of you is a brick wall? (Sounds pretty familiar to me) When you reach this point the only rememdy is to look up!

Psalm 119:26-29

Teach me Your statutes. Make me understand the way of Your precepts, so I will meditate on your wonders; My soul weeps because of grief; Strengthen me according to your word. REmove the false way from me, and graciously grant me your law.

Believing in His unwaivering commitment
Tina

The Minden St. Jude Auction is this weekend. For all of my fellow Minden friends and family, lets show them what we are made of. Any of you interested from out of the area can get an idea and actually participate in the raffles on line by visiting the website below. If you make a donation be sure and mention it is for Stanton!

Sunday, January 30, 2005 11:14 PM CST

First and foremost I want to start this entry with a HUGE thanks to my mom. Not only did she bring Hayden up to see us (it had been about 4 weeks since we had seen him) but she provided a much needed break from the hospital for Jeff and I. She was such a good sport taking orders from “Notnats” just like he likes it. She only came in his room when she was invited. Mom-I know you hated leaving daddy behind but thank you so much! Hayden-you continue to amaze me doing whatever it takes to make Stanton happy (including spending the night and showering at the hospital). I wish you could see his face each time he talks about you coming. I hope you have fun next weekend at the auction. Just keep reminding everyone what we are fighting for.

Stanton has not been with us much today. He spiked a temperature last night (AUGHHHHHHHH) so he didn’t feel great today. His new control issue is with taking his Tylenol (it does not come in IV form). At one point, as Jeff and I both were holding him down he was screaming “I told you I am stronger than you”. The sad thing is at the moment he was. So, at one point his fever got to 105! Not fun. We had ice packs around his head and the room is still pretty cool. We have gotten it back under control but not before he had more cultures done (the 5th ones this stay). He is also complaining of some side pain. No one is really sure what this can be but I am sure we will be scheduled for more tests this week. He still has no white cells. I have a feeling we will be meeting with the doctors this week trying to come up with a game plan. Specific prayers requests: no more fevers, no source of fever, white count to recover, cancer to stay away, wisdom for the doctors making the decisions.

Emma Grace is about the same on the 4th floor. Trish and I are in dire need of some TNT time. Barney is in for a couple of days so maybe we can make this happen.

Jake got discharged yesterday morning so things on the floor are not near as fun as when we had Mo and Staci next door.

The following is an email journal I got that was more than appropriate for my situation. I hope that through the trials I am molding into what God wants me to be. I know there are days when He must be disappointed because I let the fear and anxiety get to me but I just continue to ask for His forgiveness and help. I sometimes just pray for the strength that Stanton exhibits. He is amazing!

Endurance in the Race
James 1:1-4

The Christian life is an awesome journey that brings fulfillment and
contentment, along with great rewards. Of course, if someone asked me
about the Christian life, I would also have to say that it is full of
hardship, difficulty, misunderstanding, rejection, doubt, and failure. It
is not all pain, suffering, and heartache, but neither is it all
happiness. More than likely, someone is going to ask, "Why would I want to be
Christian if it's going to hurt?"

The simple answer is that we will never be what God intends until we
trust Jesus Christ as our Savior. No amount of riches, power, or success
will satisfy us like an intimate relationship with God. Becoming a
Christian does not suddenly dry up all the present or future suffering in
our lives. The difference is that we now know the loving Father who has
absolute control over all we endure. He promises to love us through it
all and care for us. And He promises to limit every trial so that we
can bear it (1 Corinthians 10:13).

With each trial, we mature in our walk. While none of us likes pain,
difficulty produces the character qualities that enable us to stay on the
path God chooses. We will not become discouraged to the point of
quitting if we respond with endurance. The result of endurance is that we
learn to look above the things that distract us-like criticism, rejection,
and setbacks-and we increasingly find ourselves able to keep our eyes
focused on Jesus.

Thank you for your continued support and prayers.

Focusing on HIM
Tina

Saturday, January 29, 2005 5:50 PM CST

Sorry I didn't get a chance to update yesterday but I agree with everyone that Hayden did a great job! Thanks Hayden you are the best.

Granma and Hayden have gotten to see Stanton and Natnots. He can go from being so sweet to a complete monster. I have enjoyed the much needed help. Jeff and I have actually gotten to get out of the hospital at the same time. I actually got to sleep in a real bed last night. I must have needed it because I didn't even hear Mom leave this morning.

Stanton's fever seems to be on the downhill slide, he has either not had any or has been very low grade. He still has no white cells. Please pray pray pray that we will see some sign of recovery soon.

Emma Grace is still on the 4th floor taking it day by day. A very good friend of Trish's and now mine, Tonya came up for the weekend to help Trish. I know it has been a big help and given Trish some much needed rest.

Yesterday was an emotional rollercoaster for reasons not directly related to Stanton but as of now things worked out for the best. Thank you to whoever made it happen.

Hope everyone is having a great weekend, I am off to finsih enjoying mine with Mom and Hayden. Daddy was sick and couldn't come. He was so upset and we miss him terribly. Love you Daddy!

Looking to the Son
Tina

Friday, January 28, 2005 10:08 PM CST

Hey, there is a new journalist tonight. It's Hayden, my mom went back to the target house for some much needed rest, So she asked me to update. Today me and "grandmaw" made it a little after 5. Stanton or notnats has had a good day he has playden most of the day and has had NO FEVER. I sorry this journal is so short or that it can't live up to my mothers.
Remember to keep those prayers coming!
Stanton's Bubby,
Hayden

Friday, January 28, 2005 10:02 PM CST

Hey! different journal author, It's Hayden.Mom went back to the target house to get some much needed rest with memaw So i am sure i can't live up to my mothers great journals. Today, stanton had a good day he played alot, considering he didn't get up till 12. NO FEVER today, Me and "grandmaw" made it here today and it is always a joy to see him purke up when you walk in the door. I am sorry this entry is so short. I'm sure you will get a great one tomorrow by mom.
Remember to keep those prayers comin.
Stanton's Bubby,
Hayden

Thursday, January 27, 2005 11:52 PM CST

I guess you can tell by the time of this entry that it is my turn for the night shift. Stanton is laying in bed watching a movie. Overall he had a good day. Each day he is more and more like his old self. We did have one "fit" today over taking his Tylenol (yes he still has fever). It once again was a control issue. I can't even brag about winning because it took an hour to get him to take it.

Dr. Furman came by for a very anticipated visit today. The MIBG scan was stable. It really was a little soon to see too much change this just was the slot they could get us in to. Dr.Furman was not surprised at the results. The good thing is that it was not worse. He is also not surprised at his counts being low for so long. He was glad to see him holding his own on the 2nd floor and not requiring an ICU stay. As for the next step, we are still trying to get to transplant and there are a couple of possible options. One is if the donor is ready possibly rescuing him with the donor marrow if his counts don't recover. The second is waiting on his counts to recover. One thing Dr. Furman mentioned today that I hadn't thought of was the possiblity of the cancer growing back faster than his bone marrow. This would not be good. They will be watching his labs closeley. He did agree that we had hit the cancer hard but for how long he couldn't say. He said now we just need to hope and pray. So we need many many prayers that the cancer will stay at bay until we can get to transplant.

We got a chance to visit with the DuBose's today. They got good news from Emilie's scans. There was a little shrinkage of the tumor but definatly not bigger. They are such a sweet family and we always enjoy getting to visit with them.

Jeff and I enjoyed playing with Jake, Staci and Mo today. It is so hard being in the hospital but it is a little easier when you have someone different to look at.

Emma Grace sounded a little better today although I don't think she felt much better. I hope to get to spend some time with her tomorrow.

Mom, Dad and Hayden will be coming up tomorrow. We can't wait to see them. Maybe we will get some much needed time out of the hospital.

Hebrews 11:6 "And without faith it is impossible to please God, because
anyone who comes to him must believe that he exists and that he rewards
those who earnestly seek him." (NIV)

As the days begin to run together and things seem like they will never get any better it could be very easy to lose faith. Faith in our God is the one thing that gets us through each and every day. Faith that he will never let us down, faith that He is there holding out hand our carrying us whichever we need, faith that he has promised us we will all come "home" one day.

Thank you all for your continued support and prayers.

In Faith
Tina

Wednesday, January 26, 2005 9:13 PM CST

I think the saying goes "misery loves company", we have new neighbors at the "Resort". Jake was admitted today with a line infection. He looks great and even I got to play with him a little bit and sort of got a kis blown to me. Jin Jin went home so Melanie picked up right where she left of in the domestic department, she ordered chinese for supper tonight. Thanks girls it was great! For those of you who want to keep up with Jake his website is www.caringbridge.org/la/jakeowen.

Stanton had a much better day today. He still has no white blood cells, is still running a fever without an obvious source but we only had one "Notnats" moment. He had his MIBG which he did without sedation. We have not gotten the results of this yet. He also had another ultrasound done which sis still showing a mild case of colitis as well as cystitis (bladder infection). They did allow him to have clear liquids today. He seems to go about 8 hours without needing tylenol which is better than 4 to 6. His blood pressure dropped a little last night which got everyone on their toes. It got better within an hour or so, so minus a little less sleep for us all was well.

We had some special visitors this morning. Floyd and Donna Garrett came by with a surprise for Stanton (he loved it and even took it with him to his MIBG). For those of you who haven't heard me talk about this amazing family, they are another of our St.Jude families who live in the Memphis area. Their daughter Ashley is in remission from osteosarcoma. We were blessed to meet them early during our journey here and they have remained a tremendous support system. If you ever nee some good reading Donna is an excellent journaler and Ashley's site is www.caringbridge.org/tn/ashleygarrett. Donna writes straight from the heart about their journey.

Emilie Dubose is back this week for her MRI and chemo. We ran into Alicia in the hall this afternoon and can't wait to spend a little time with them. Emilie has her scans tomorrow so pray for continued good results.

We have another neuroblastoma warrior who returned today for scans and to start a phase I study. His name is Dalton and I have mentioned him before. He will be 9 soon.

Tonight I want to share an entry from "Bedside Blessings"

"I will hold you up God says. But as long as you lean on someone else you can't lean on me. As long as you lean on something else you won't lean on me. They become substitutes for Me, so that you aren't being upheld by my hand.

When you lean on another person or another thing your focus is sideways, not vertical. Human crutches paralyze the walk of faith."

I am thankful each and every day that I have God to lean on. He is the one constant who will always be there.

Focusing vertically
Tina

Tuesday, January 25, 2005 11:08 PM CST

Well, the CT today showed no fungus and mild colitis. The good news is no fungus as this is a battle that we did not need. What also means is that because of the colitis Stanton is still not able to eat or drink anything. His blood cultures also all came back negative. Again another good thing. The problem is that he is still having these fevers in the 102 range and there seems to be no source which make is pretty hard to treat. What we need more than anything at this point is for his white count to come up. He generally feels pretty bad, laying around most of the day. His best time of the day is between 10 p.m and midnight, which I think is a mild case of getting his days and nights mixed up.

The Raborn’s have spoiled us a little today. They brought by pizza for lunch and then Jin Jin made gumbo and brought it over for supper. I think Jin Jin has been hiding her cooking talents from us. Thank you guys so much! Don-we miss you!

One thing we have gotten a chance to do this week plus is spending time with some of the best nurses in the world. I am not sure how St. Jude manages to recruit the best of the best but they do a great job of it. We have been able to spend some time with some of the nurses from last year as well as getting to know some of the new faces. I just hate they have not seen Stanton at his best. To all of you who have taken care of Stanton and his many personalities this week I want to say thank you. You all are the greatest.

Once again I spent quite a bit of time in quiet time with God today. This is a good thing because I have so much on my mind lately. I had several things I was going to journal about but Mom emailed me an excerpt from a book that she saw titled “Letters from Heaven”. It was so perfect I have to share.

Luke 22:32

I have prayed for you…that your faith may not fail.

“My Dear Child,

Would it surprise you to know that there are people praying for you today-people who care about the pain you feel and the struggle you are facing? Would it surprise you to know that My very own Son, Jesus Christ, is standing right beside Me today, speaking your name and asking Me to help you?

He is praying for you, as He prayed for His friend Peter, that you will not lose your faith during this trial. He is asking Me to grant you a special portion of mercy so you can come through this ordeal intact.

Believe Me when I tell you I listen to the voice of My Son and to the prayers of My people. They are for you, and I am for you. So be encouraged this day My child.

You are surrounded by love,
God”

Boy did this hit a nerve. To know that there is a loving God who listens to my prayers and that His Son is right there with Him asking for help for me as well. I know from the guestbook entries that the throne of God is bombarded day after day for Stanton as well as the rest of our family. We feel the power of these prayers daily. Thank you all for the continued prayers. Know that there is a special God listening to them, waiting to answer them.

Surrounded by love
Tina

Monday, January 24, 2005 8:39 PM CST

AUGHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! okay I feel a little better now. I am getting so frustrated I just needed to scream. Stanton’s fever has gotten up around the 103 mark several times now. What does this mean? Who knows? He is on 2 antibiotics and an antifungal medicine and has been for a week. Is this something new? The chances are pretty good that it is something new since we haven’t had a steady fever the entire time we have been here and it has not been this high. So, with this fever he feels pretty yucky, sleeping the majority of the time. He also is pushing limits he doesn’t otherwise push. More than one person has told me it is a control thing. There are not many things he can control these days so he will go to great links to control those that he can. He has to be the most stubborn strong-willed child that I know, which I can’t really complain about because it is these traits that make him the fighter that he is and has been and needs to continue to be. His counts are still 0 so they are increasing the medicine they give him to produce white blood cells. Tomorrow he will probably get blood and platelets and will get a CT of hid chest and abdomen. They are looking for a fungus that might be a cause for the fever as well as checking on his colon. He has not eaten or had anything to drink since Thursday. I am sure this is another reason for his discontentment.

We have now added a 3rd personality to the mix. It started when we were coloring and I went to write his name and he wanted it backwards. I wasn’t about to not do what he told me (I am learning to mind so good, I bet mom and dad wish they had figured out how he did this about 20 years ago) so I wrote it backwards. Never dreaming it would take people so long to figure it out and in fact most people have to ask about it so I tell them it is his new name “NOTNATS”. He thinks it is funny so he now always wants his name backwards.

Emma Grace was having a rough day today. They are still thinking just a good case of GVHD but she is miserable. Trish has had some much needed relief the last few days. Thank you Mimi Sharon, Nana and Barney. Trish looks like she has had some much needed rest. So for all of you prayer warriors. Keep this 2 in your prayers as Trish is now by herself again with a very moody 4 year old.

I have another special prayer request. There is a little girl by the name of Anaroncha (spelling?) from Puerto Rico who we have become friends with, especially her mother. When we were getting inpatient chemo she was always in with a fever and when we had a fever she was getting chemo. Although we never got to spend much time together there is just this unspeakable bond that it formed. Well, I hadn’t seen them around and had just started asking about them today. When I went down for a coke they were in the cafeteria (funny how God knew I needed to see this family). Her mother got up to hug me and tell me that they would be going back to Puerto Rico as there was nothing left for them to do for Anaroncha. Her mother told me that she looked good and at this point felt good so they were going home to enjoy their time. She also reminded me that she believed in a God of miracles and she wasn’t giving up. It always goes straight to my heart to hear such faith from a mother that has gotten the absolute worst news.

This encounter had me a little rattled when I got back to room it took me a minute to compose myself. I then talked to mom who reminded me that it had been a year today that my mamaw passed away. She and Jamie were taking Papaw to supper. How I wish I could be there with them tonight. I have to say that this day a year ago will be one that I will never forget. Mamaw-I love you and miss you so much although I know you are in a better place feeling better than you have in years. Mom-I know today wasn’t easy for you and I wish I could have been there for you. Papaw is so lucky to have a daughter like you.

I have had a good but of quiet time today since Stanton has slept most of the day so you know I an going to share. Hayden got me a great new Max Lucado book for Christmas called “Every Day Blessings” I want to share yesterdays blessing with you.

Matthew 6:34

Don’t worry about tomorrow God will take care of tomorrow. Take it one day at a time.

God liberated His children from slavery and created a path through the sea. He gave them a cloud to follow in the day and a fire to see at night and He gave them food…..

Each morning the manna came. Each evening the quail appeared. “Trust me. Trust me and I will give you all that you need.” The people were told to take just enough food for one day. Their needs would be met one day at a time.

This is a concept that I guess will always be a weak spot for me. I have to admit I am getting better but I tend to look to the next step overlooking the moment.

Leaving tomorrow for Him
Tina

Specific prayers for Stanton
Pray for the fever to go away
Pray for NO infection
Pray for his counts to start to recover
Pray for improvement on his scans this week

Jake Owen Believer-I love the new entry. This is one of my very favorite songs and I love the picture.

Sunday, January 23, 2005 5:13 PM CST

8:30 Just heard through the grapevine that our cousin Whittney placed 4th runner up in her high school pagent. Congratulations Whittney I am so proud of you.

Yes, it is pretty early for an update but the boys are sleeping so I decided to update early.

Stanton has been a little better today I think. We are still having several "Stanley" moments a day and they are becoming heartbreaking. You cannot imagine how helpless it feels to know that things are not right for your baby but you can't do anything to fix it. They did add an additional antifungal medicine today because of the blip of fever he had yesterday. His counts are showing no sign of recovering at this point. He will have his MIBG scan Wed. which will show any neuroblastoma in the bones. We would love to see some improvement over the last scan. They are also trying to schedule a bone marrow biopsy but this can't be done until his counts recover.

We have been in the hospital for a week now and we are all exhausted. I find my mind wandering to "why?". This is something I talk about often and that I find myself going to the scripture looking for answers often knowing I will not find them. One interesting thing I found in one of my books said that question coudl be viewed 2 ways: "Why are the bad things happening or Why do I deserve all that God has done for me?" I don't have an answer for either question. I do know that God has been so good to me although I know that I am not worthy. Why did he bless me with 2 beautiful children? Why have I been given the opportunity to learn more from my 3 year old than I have learned in 32 years? Why has he blessed me with the St. Jude friends that mean the world to me? Why has he blessed me with St. Jude and the doctors and staff? I think you get the point. I could go on and on. I think when I start questioning "Why?" I will have to look at both sides.

Thank you all for your continued support and prayers. We could never really thank you enough. Speaking of thank you's; I am a little behind on thank you notes from Christmas so if you haven't gotten one be patient I will get around to it.

Blessed Beyond Words
Tina

Thank you Lori R.-I got to get out for a little while today and enjoy a little retail therapy compliments of you. It was great! Love ya!

Saturday, January 22, 2005 7:49 PM CST

Another day at the St. Jude Resort. Stanton is doing about the same. His temperature has remained borderline fever so no new medicine has been added. He continues to take everything in stride even not being able to eat or drink. WE are hoping to remain without a fever through the weekend so that no new medicine will be needed. What we need the most is for his counts to recover. This would solve a lot of the problems.

I want to say Happy Birthday to our niece Hollan who is 2 today. We love you and hate we weren't there for your party. Stanton was upset when he heard me mention a party and he wasn't going.

Sorry this entry is so short I am just a little tired tonight. Thank you all for your continued support and prayers.

Only By His Grace
Tina

Friday, January 21, 2005 10:06 PM CST

I guess maybe Stanton felt a little better today. He woke up about 9:30 and stayed awake until about 7. He played some and got pretty angry when we told him he couldn’t drink. His white count is now 0.0 which means the only way to go is up now. We need his counts to recover and that will help the mouth sores and the colitis. He is still having some fever. If he keeps the fever through the weekend they will schedule scans next week to look for a fungus.

As you can probably imagine we are all pretty tired, especially Jeff and I so we look for anything to laugh about so I thought I would share a story with you from today. Stanton had to tee tee and wanted me to help him. When I went to help him up he was screaming that I wasn’t being easy and would fling himself back on the bed. After a few minutes we realized that he was in no pain and was just playing me I got really aggravated. It took about 20 minutes before he actually tee teed a little in his spiderman underwear until he let me stand him up. The funny part came when Stanton insisted on more Spiderman underwear, we had none they were all dirty. He absolutely refused to wear any of the other underwear that we had so he stood on the bed without underwear for almost an hour. We began to refer to it as “Stanleys last Stand”. To be so sweet he can really test your patience. Eventually his biscuits became cold and he settled for Blues Clues. I share this with you to give you a glimpse into our world.

On the opposite spectrum about 10:00 the other night he started screaming for his “angel book”. After a few minutes I realized he was talking about his Precious Moments Bible. We told him we would bring it the next day. When Jeff brought it in Stanton just lit up. He laid on his stomach just looking through the pages (this is a real bible with no pictures). The next thing I notice is that he has a pencil and paper and is writing after he reads. I asked what he was doing and he said “having quiet time”. Priceless.

Emma Grace is still on the 4th floor. She spiked another fever yesterday. Still a long road ahead for her. Keep the prayers coming.

2 Corinthians 4:8

We are pressed on every side by troubles, but we are not crushed and broken. We are perplexed, but we don’t give up and quit. We are often troubled, but not crushed; sometimes in doubt, but never in despair.

I thought this was a pretty good verse for the week we have had.

I also got a neat email today and want to share one of the quotes: “With unwanted burdens come undeserved blessings.”

Not Broken
Tina

Thursday, January 20, 2005 10:54 PM CST

Okay so new specific prayers are needed. Stanton spiked a fever again this afternoon. They had ordered an abdominal ultrasound because yesterday he was complaining of belly pain. We kind of questioned this but in the long run were glad they did it. They found some thickening in Stanton's colon which is indicative of colonitis. This is an inflammation of the colon caused by probably normal bacteria of the gut but because of his low counts are going to cause him a little problem. This is most likely the source of the fever which I guess is nice to know. They added back an antibiotic they had taken away yesterday as well as an antifungal medicine. The biggest problem is going to be that he can't have ANYTHING by mouth until Monday afternoon at the earliest. We have already had round one with this condition. What all of this means is that we can expect to be in the hospital until his counts recover which will be middle of next week probably (if we are lucky).

I finiished my book today and although I didn't agree with everything it said so many things it said were so comforting. My focus today was on a statement in the book about people asking "Why did this happen to me?" Instead of asking this question as it would be impossible to answer we should ask "Now that this has happened what am I going to do about it?" I thought about this question most of the day and the rest of this entry will be for my benefit as a record of my answers to this question for future reference.

1. I am going to thank God each day for the support system He has provided me with through my family, friends, new St. Jude friends and the St. Jude Staff.
2. I will pray each day for strength and courage to face the battles.
3. Make no decisions without talking to God first.
4. Be a support system for the other St. Jude families around me.
5. My attitude will reflect my faith and trust in God.
6. Be thankful for what I have and not worry about what I don't have.
7. Take eaach day one day at a time.
8. Be honest with Stanton about his disease.
9. Teach Stanton the importance of God being the center of our lives.
10. Have as much fun with Stanton as possible.
11. Do whatever it takes to be supportive of Hayden from afar.

Thank you for your continued support during our journey.

Focusing on Today
Tina

Wednesday, January 19, 2005 10:17 PM CST

Okay, it has been another one of those days. "Stanley" has been here the majority of the day which leaves us all wondering why? The doctors and nurses agree that this is not typically Stanton even on a bad day. They are going to start 24 hour around the clock pain medicine to see if this will make a difference, the thinking behind this being that maybe something is bothering him and he is not telling us. He is still not eating much and has lost about 4 pounds this week. For those of you who know Stanton you know that he didn't have 4 pounds to lose. It looks like the inevitable is that he will end up on TPN (nutrition in a bag). He did this for 7 months last year and we will juat have to do what we have to do. HIs immune system continues to be nonexistent so they haven't even mentioned us discharging.

Emma Grace may be doing a little better although this comes with a price. They have increased her steroid drastically over the last few days and Trish says that she now has more than 2 personalities. Needless to say I don't think her and Stanton would do well in a room by themselves any time soon. Nana is here so Trish is getting some much needed rest.

I love to hear from all of you who have joined us in this journey and enjoy the encouraging words and scripture that you all share. I got this email today and the whole email was a big pick me up for me but this one portion I have seen before and I thought it worthy of sharing.

HANDY LITTLE CHART w/ GOD's positive answers -
YOU SAY GOD SAYS BIBLE VERSES
You say: "It's impossible" God says: All things are possible (Luke 18:27)
You say: "I'm too tired" God says: I will give you rest (Matthew 11:28-30)
You say: "Nobody really loves me" God says: I love you (John 3:16 & John 3:34 )
You say: "I can't go on" God says: My grace is sufficient (II Corinthians 12:9 & Psalm 91:15)
You say: "I can't figure things out" God says: I will direct your steps (Proverbs 3:5-6)
You say: "I can't do it" God says: You can do all things (Philippians 4:13)
You say: "I'm not able" God says: I am able (II Corinthians 9:8)
You say: "It's not worth it" God says: It will be worth it (Roman 8:28 )
You say: "I can't forgive myself" God says: I Forgive you (I John 1:9 & Romans 8:1)
You say: "I can't manage" God says: I will supply all your needs (Philippians 4:19)
You say: "I'm afraid" God says: I have not given you a spirit of fear (II Timothy 1:7)
You say: "I'm always worried and frustrated" God says: Cast all your cares on ME (I Peter 5:7)
You say: "I'm not smart enough" God says: I give you wisdom (I Corinthians 1:30)
You say: "I feel all alone" God says: I will never leave you or forsake you (Hebrews 13:5)

Thank you all for your continued support and prayers.

Only By His Grace
Tina

Tuesday, January 18, 2005 9:01 PM CST

When can you tell that you have been at a hospital too long, when your nurses that were childless when you met them have had or are fixing to have their second child or when a nurse that was training is now training other nurses? You don't have to choose because we have seen them both. It is hard to think that it has been over 2 years that we have been in the battle but in so many ways it seems like it just started.

Stanton had a really good morning a good afternoon and let's just say tonight we have been graced with "Stanley". Jeff had a good idea tonight that we will be talking over with the doctors though. It appears the new sudden mood changes may be caused by the pain medicine (of course there has to be a medical explanation, it can't be the lack of our parenting skills). We give him the pain medicine to try to make it comfortable for him to eat because of his mouth sores. It helps the appetite some but not worth the consequences if it is the cause for the mood swings. He has a new name on the floor these days. The nurses have started calling him "your majesty" or "your highness" both of which are very appropriate.

Emma Grace continues to struggle with her GVHD. I don't think they rested at all last night. I was so glad to see MiMi Sharon here this afternoon helping to pull a shift and even more excited to hear Nana's voice this evening knowing Trish will be able to get a little relief.

I have been reading a new book called "When Bad Things Happen to Good People". I have to say it is pretty interesting although I don't agree with all of it and have yet to finish it but I wanted to share a little about the chapter titled "God leaves us room to be human". It is a chapter about the book of Genesis and more importantly about Adam and Eve and God's desire to make something in His image. Being human means "being in the image of God". It means being free to make choices instead of doing whatever our instincts tell us to do. It means knowing that some choices are good and some choices are bad and it is our job to know the difference.

In order for us to be free, in order to let us be human God has to leave us free to choose to do right or to do wrong. If we are not free to choose evil then we are not free to choose good either. Where is all of this leading? Well one of the questions posed in this book is "Why did God allow something bad to happen?" Yes, he has the power to stop anything that is going to happen but how would he determine who would be worthy of this power. If everyone chose what was right then we would all not be human. I think God watches as people make the wrong choices and I think he hurts when this happens but I also think this is all part of his allowing us the freedom to choose and to be human.

I wanted to quote a part of this chapter that is from a man that has had much suffering. "I never tried to blame God or cease to believe in Him because He didn't come to our aid. God doesn't owe us that, or anything. We owe our lives to Him. We owe God our lives for the few years or many years that we live, and we have the duty to worship Him and do as He commands us. That's what we ar here on earth for, to be in God's service."

This whole chapter tied into a verse that was shared with me by a very special person today which is part of why I knew I needed to share it with you.

1 Peter 5:10

After you have suffered a little while, our God, who is full of kindness through Christ will give you his eternal glory. He personally will come and pick you up and set you firmly in place and make you stronger than ever.

I know the end of this journal may be kind of scattered but I was typing in the resource center by myself and then was joined by some very LOUD people which made it a little harder to concentrate. Hope you all have a great day!

Serving Him
Tina

Monday, January 17, 2005 9:47 PM CST

Stanton seemed to be a little better today. He has had no fever since about 2:00 this morning. He got up and played more today than he has been. This morning he, granma and weenie all took turns painting. Things went well and in fact he even wanted something to eat so here is the story. The biscuit from McDonalds was cut in half and he didn’t want it cut in half. We ordered a biscuit from the cafeteria and it was too big. Stanton decided at this time that his daddy was at the Target House and could make him some little biscuits. I don’t know what Jeff was thinking but he made Grands biscuits and when he got back with them they were too big. Not a problem yet, they just took them and used cookie cutters and made them smaller. This appeared to do the trick until he decided that they were too cold. Needless to say that after all of this he did not eat one biscuit. This just gives you a little insight into our world with a child who hasn’t eaten in about 4 days now, we will do ANYTHING.

Mom and Dad left today. As usual this is never an easy thing. I know how hard it is for them to be away from us. Although Stanton wasn’t himself most of the weekend he did spend some quality time with each of them. Mom/Dad-once again, thank you more than you will know. I know this weekend was not one of the best but it always does me good to see faces from home. We can always depend on you to come whenever we need it.

Emma Grace is still upstairs with a pretty good case of GVHD. She is pretty miserable and tired. The one who is more tired than she is would be Trish. I have always laughed because Trish needed no sleep but these last few days have caught up with her. That is one of the hard things for me right now is that I can’t help her much. So, please just say a special prayer for my very special friend.

I know my last couple of journal entries have seemed kind of rambly(?) I guess that is where I have been the past couple of days. My quiet time has been in many books and has touched on some points that I just need more time to digest before I am ready to share. One verse I came across tonight that has always been a favorite of mine is “Be still and know that I am God”. It was in a devotional that began with a verse from Habakkuk (2:20)

But the Lord is in His holy temple; let all the earth silence before Him.

This was about taking time to stop and really listen to what God has to say when you pray. I know there are times when I get so caught up in my needs that I ask and ask without really taking the time to listen. But when I come before God quiet my distracted mind is put aside. “Once we convince ourselves that God is not surprised by our situation (I think a good friend once said this exact thing to me), we can move on to realizing He is still in control, and will gain peace.”

Quietly waiting
Tina

Sunday, January 16, 2005 12:55 AM CST

Update 8:56-Stanton is still feeling pretty puny. He laid on the couch most of the day in Granma or weinies lap. I think my daddy must have read at least 50 books. His temperature got up to almost 104 at one point but goes down with Tylenol. He is not complaining of much pain, but won't eat much. Please just keep the prayers coming.

Yes, it is a little early for me but after last nights short update I thought you may get 2 today. I am coming to you today from the St. Jude Resort. Stanton got a fever about 3:00 this morning. Of course, we do nothing simple but we did keep the night shift on their toes. Dr. Furman was actually surprised that we had made it this long. Stanton's platelets and hemoglobin were very low which I am sure attributed to "Stanley" yesterday. He has gotten platelets a little pain medicine and is getting blood and is sitting on the couch with granma and weinie reading. This after I had to go to McDonalds to get him an ice cream cone. Yes, it was very cold trying to keep it from melting on the way back to the hospital but I made it and he actually ate a good portion of it.

No vacation would be complete without the company of good friends and actually I guess this trip would have been planned by the Hampton's. Emma Grace was admitted back to the 4th floor yesterday evening with tummy trouble. She had been looking so good but for the last 2 nights has been miserable. I know Trish and her are both exhausted.

So I ask all of you today to pray for Stanton and that his counts will start to recover soon. That this fever is just a "no count fever" and not an infection. That he will start feeling like his old self again. I also ask for special prayers for Emma Grace and Trish, that they may get some rest and get Emma Grace's tummy problems under control.

Thanks for your continued support
Tina

Saturday, January 15, 2005 10:41 PM CST

One word for why this journal entry will be very short. STANLEY (For those of you who don't know Stanton's evil alter ego). He has been here all day has been sweet to no one and his only way of communication is screaming at the top of his lungs. We know he does not feel well, but it is still hard to watch especially when 2 of his favorite people in the world are here visiting and he is being ugly to them. Needless to day I got to spend some much needed quality time with my mom and dad. I love you guys!

I am being summoned! Maybe tomorrow will be better.

Getting good at taking orders from a 3 year old
Tina

Friday, January 14, 2005 11:11 PM CST

First I want to let everyone know that the little boy I mentioned a few weeks ago (Dylan Wells) has earned his angel wings. I talked to his mom, Cindy this morning.

Stanton’s day was about the same. He laid around much, was pretty unhappy about everything. He did have to get platelets today but the good news he gets a break from the hospital tomorrow which is great because Granma and Weenie are here. He is still complaining about his mouth hurting and we just try to keep that comfortable. He managed to eat a biscuit this morning when we managed to get it cooked the way that he liked it.

I spent some time visiting with a very close friend today. It was a much needed conversation. I know that if you have been reading my journal you know that our lives at St. Jude this past year have been difficult to say the least. It has not always been Stanton’s news but the other children that we have grown to love. It has been a year of emotional roller coasters. People often as “How do you do it?” First of all I have no choice. This is the plan God has for us and we must make the best of it. God is the center of everything that we do and every decision that we make. I lean on Him more days than not and He carries me many days as well.

Quiet time tonight led me to Romans Chapter 12. In my bible it is called “Give your lives to God” Verse 12 caught my attention first: Be joyful because you have hope. Be patient when trouble comes, and pray at all times. I think if I had one thing that has been the most helpful the past year I would say “prayer”. My personal prayers as well as the thousands of prayers that are prayed for Stanton daily. There are days when I feel those prayers comforting my every move. Thank you to all of you who continue to send those prayers to the throne. The other thing that I loved about this chapter is that it talks about how God gave each of us a special gift. Yes, no matter what you think you have a special gift. Determine what that gift is and use it to glorify God.

For my faithful Minden readers, I want to start reminding you about the Minden St. Jude Auction. It is coming up the first weekend of February I believe. First of all I encourage you to participate in some way. If you would like please email me and I will put you in touch with who you need to talk to. Second I encourage you to come out and support this effort. We broke a record last year that I would love to see shattered again this year. Minden gives more to St. Jude per capita than any city in the United States. This is something to be very proud of. Do it for Stanton and all of his friends fighting the battle for their life each and every day.

Thank you all for your continued support and prayers. We love you!

Praying at all times
Tina

Thursday, January 13, 2005 11:00 PM CST

Another day in the life of “kick tail” chemo. Dr. Furman has often asked if anything slows Stanton down, well we now have the answer to that question. Yes, 3 chemo drugs given at one time. He still feels pretty puny with his best times being from about 8 at night to 11. We met with Dr. Furman today and he agreed with the decision to give morphine every 4 hours to try to decrease the mouth pain (praying this does not get much worse although now his counts are “0” so it is prime opportunity). He also decided to keep him on fluids through the weekend just so we wouldn’t have to force him to eat. He is trying to eat and either it doesn’t taste right or it hurts. He has eaten a little more tonight.

We enjoyed the Raborn’s company for supper tonight. Don’t everyone get so excited we just did hot dogs, I have a reputation to uphold. I have to be the most undomesticated person at the Target House. I think I am pretty safe unless Staci moves in. Jake really likes Jake and it is so good to see him smile. I told Staci and Don that it was pretty hard to believe that a week ago he was in ICU in critical condition. He is a living example of the power of prayer and we so appreciate all of his prayer warriors joining us in praying for Stanton. Jake Owen Believer-you are amazing and we love to look at each of your new creations.

I have always said that we have been placed here for a specific purpose. Although there are days when that purpose is gray or better yet seems to be non existent today has been one of those days when the purpose has been clear in a couple of situations. Thank you God for reminding me of my purpose.

The following is an excerpt from an email devotional that I get each day that I wanted to share with you:

Laws Of the Lighthouse by Max Lucado

The wise captain shifts the direction of his craft according to the
signal of the lighthouse. A wise person does the same.

Herewith, then, are the lights I look for and the signals I heed:
- Love God more than you fear hell.
- Once a week, let a child take you on a walk.
- Make major decisions in a cemetery.
- When no one is watching, live as if someone is.
- Succeed at home first.
- Don't spend tomorrow's money today.
- Pray twice as much as you fret.
- Listen twice as much as you speak.
- Only harbor a grudge when God does.
- Never outgrow your love of sunsets.
- Treat people like angels; you will meet some and help make some.
- 'Tis wiser to err on the side of generosity than on the side of
scrutiny.
- God has forgiven you; you'd be wise to do the same.
- When you can't trace God's hand, trust his heart.
- Toot your own horn and the notes will be flat.
- Don't feel guilty for God's goodness.
- The book of life is lived in chapters, so know your page number.
- Never let the important be the victim of the trivial.
- Live your liturgy.

To sum it all up:
Approach life like a voyage on a schooner. Enjoy the view. Explore the
vessel. Make friends with the captain. Fish a little. And then get off
when you get home.

Praying for no fever and a fast recovery.

Standing Firm in His Promises
Tina

I also want to mention another new patient. I met the grandmothers in the waiting room today. Their 17 month old grandson had just gotten there and they think that he has neuroblastoma. I was not the person that they should have talked to but just happen to be there. From what I understand the diagnosis is not definite yet and the mom and dad are still in the shock stage. The mother is 5 months pregnant. His name is Collin and he is from Alabama.

Wednesday, January 12, 2005 10:37 PM CST

Well, I wish I could say today was a better day but just can’t. Stanton felt maybe just a little worse than yesterday. We had them look at his mouth in clinic today and it appears that he has some mouth sores which would mean that there are already sores in his throat, which would also explain why it hurts him to eat. We decided to put him on a little bit of pain medicine to try to increase his eating and drinking because this will get worse before it gets better. The doctor also decided to give him some fluids just to be safe until we see if the medicine is going to help. Basically he is miserable!!!! He did have to get platelets today which we expected.

Thanks to all who signed Trish’s guestbook wishing her birthday greetings. I think she was trying to keep it a secret. Trish-Happy Birthday! Thank you for all you have meant to me over the last 2 years but most importantly over the last 9 months. You will forever be more like my sister than a friend. I love you!

Please say a little special prayer for Hayden this week as he is not going to be able to come up this weekend because of an infection that he has. It is just too dangerous with Stanton’s ANC being zero.

I had a couple of good devotionals for tonight but I want to share the one on Experiencing the Power of Jesus first. I really can’t tell you how much I have enjoyed this entire book and for Christmas Mom got me the Devotional Bible to match it. One section of today’s chapter was entitled “He still moves stones”. It talked of all of the stories in the Bible when people met up with real pain and Jesus was able to help them. It also talked about what Jesus knew about pain. One of the challenges for you is to paint your own gallery; your life before Christ and your life after Christ, or even after a life changing event. The chapter then goes on to talk about the tomb and how there used to be a stone in front but it was moved. Do you have stones in your path? Stones that are too big for you? I know that I do.

Remember the goal of all of these stories in the Bible is not to help us look back with amazement but to look forward with faith. The God who spoke still speaks. The God who forgave still forgives. The God who came still comes. He comes into our world. He comes to do what we can’t. He comes to move the stones that you can’t budge. Stones are no match for God. Not then and not now. He still moves stones.

John 15:7

If you remain in me and follow my teachings, you can ask anything you want and it will be given unto you.

I don’t think I have to go into great detail about what my stones are. I am so thankful for a God so powerful he can move them for me.

Please continue to keep Stanton in your prayers and continue to stand with us in defeating the beast!

Letting Him move the stones
Tina

Tuesday, January 11, 2005 9:48 PM CST

Today was a little better than yesterday. Stanton is still not himself but seems to have a little more energy. He did not have to have platelets today but most probably tomorrow. We continue to wait on his counts to bottom out, pray for no fever and then we will reevaluate.

Tomorrow is a very dear friend of mines birthday and I know she is not saying anything so I will. Stop by Emma Grace's site and tell Trish Happy Birthday. www.caringbridge.org/ar/emmagrace. You can also wish Barney a belated birthday as I did not know his birthday was Sunday. Emma Grace looks better each day. She was in such a good mood today if only Stanton's matched hers.

Jake was able to get out of the hospital today. It is amazing that these kids go through what they go through and do so well. It is hard to beleive that a week ago he was having MAJOR surgery.

My devotional tonight was the story of a mom and her son. The story talked about how the mother had taken care of him even when he didn't know that she could. The mom thought to herself "Hasn't he been my child long enough to know I would have a solution?" Can't you just picture our heavenly father saying "Haven't you been my child long enough to know that I have it all taken care of?"

John 14:1

Do not let your hearts be troubled. Trust in God; trust also in me.

Trusting in Him
Tina

Monday, January 10, 2005 10:33 PM CST

As most 3 year olds are sound asleep and have been for hours now I am happy to report my 3 year old is perking up and getting a second wind. He has 15 movies ready for us to watch before we can go to bed. We did finally convince him to put up the Sponge Bob race track for fear of keeping the neighbors up. (yes, we were discharged from the hospital this morning).

I must say it has been a pretty difficult day. Stanton has not felt good at all. He has been down more than up and basically just miserable. So unlike what we are used to. It is hard as a parent to watch him like this so now you know why I am excited that he is up playing this late. We knew it would be tough on him and we are seeing that come true. My prayer is that the chemo is working on the cancer as much as it is working on the "good cells".

To tell you a little more about Stanton's spirit I want to share a story. First of all when the nurse woke him up this morning to give him his medicine he looked at her and said "good morning sunshine". Talk about make someones day. Ms. Karen was on cloud 9. Keep in mind she spent all weekend spoiling him with "hot blankets" and he wouldn't even talk to her. Well, this afternoon I was just kind of down. Other than the obvious no specific reason. Stanton was really being a momma's boy which is a BIG change and he was laying on the couch pretty lifeless. He said "I don't like that mean old chemo medicine". I agreed with him and apologized for him not feeling good. He informed me the chemo was for his cancer. (My heart is breaking) As I am on the brink of complete meltdown he holds up his arms for me to lean down and give him a hug. He hugs me, kisses me on the cheek and said "It's going to be okay mommy". How wrong is this picture? He is the one going through this terrible chemo yet he finds the strength to comfort me. I have no doubt where his strength comes from.

Needless to say I needed quiet time desperatly tonight just to get my mind back on track and focused. As this whole last 2 weeks has played out it is only human nature that I would ask why? Why Stanton? Why now? Why so long? And the list goes on and on. Knowing I may never know the answers in my temporary home I read something that helped make the specific answers irrelevant.

Of course it is something written by Max Lucado: "God is never wrong. He has never rendered a wrong decision, experienced the wrong attitude, taken the wrong path, said the wrong thing, or acted the wrong way. He is never too late or too early, too loud or too soft. too fast or too slow. He has always been an will always be right. He is righteous."

Pretty comforting to know that the One that I have put my life as well as Stanton's in is always right. And to know that He is the only one who is always right.

I am happy to report that Emma Grace looked great tonight, in fact the best she has looked since transplant. She didn't seem to be itching as much but there clearly is still a rash going on. Stanton was not exactly nice to her so I didn't get to see her much.

Now that Stanton's chemo is through our specific prayer is that he stay fever and infection free while we wait on his little body to recover which may take some time. They will be checking his counts daily as he will be very platlet and blood dependent for the next couple of weeks. We also will continue to pray for this to be the chemo that rids Stanton of the beast.

Leaving it all to HIM
Tina

Sunday, January 9, 2005 9:10 PM CST

Sorry for the short update yesterday, but I promise to make it up tonight. Stanton had a pretty good day and night yesterday. It was good to see him up and playing and acting more like Stanton.

Today his counts have really dropped and you can tell it has slown him down quite a bit. He just wants to be left alone to rest. We are on countdown now though, less than 24 hours of chemo. Please just continue to pray that this will be the chemo to do the trick in getting the beast out of his bone marrow.

I had a great visit with Larron and Anita King and the meditation time was incredible. Larron and Anita have become such a very special part of our lives and I find myself looking forward to their monthly visit. I knew that the meditation time would be a very emotional one for me based on the facts of the last week and I was so happy to see Trish come over. Trish-I don’t know if I could have done this service without you there.

Larron comes to the RMH without a prepared sermon; he gets there, visits with the families and then spends some quiet time with God right before everyone comes in and lets God put on his heart what he needs to say. Well, Larron I think God told you exactly what I needed to hear. As you spoke it was like you had walked in our shoes this week. It was like once again God let me know in a very black and white way that we had made the right decisions this week.

Larron spoke on not giving up. Not giving up on God, not giving up on hope, not giving up on miracles, not giving up on faith. I have seen and know that when parents are faced with the challenges that come with a sick child there are so many emotions. There are usually 2 responses; the parents either get mad and run from God or they parents turn to God more than ever. I have seen those that get mad eventually turn their focus to God but I know that there are those that still have a hard time understanding why God would do this to them.

There was a room full of families last night that although things were tough had chosen God. It was incredible to hear their stories and feel their emotions. Needless to say many tears were shed, but incredible bonds were formed.

Thanks once again to Lauren King Ministries for all that you do and for just sharing your family and your story with us.

We have enjoyed having the Raborn’s back at the Jude Resort and Spa with us. I have enjoyed just getting to go watch other parents take orders from a 3 year old as well as we do. For all of you Jake Believers I will share a funny story although I am probably starting a journal war with Don. Today Jake actually began to ask for something to eat, when he did he told Stacy to pick up the phone and call and get him something to eat. This sounds like something Stanton would say. I guess that tells you how much we both cook. They tried to give him popsicles or something building his way back up to a normal diet and all Jake wanted was Taco Bell.

Hayden and the crew left this morning. As usual this was not easy. Hayden really was a trooper this weekend spending every night at the hospital because Stanton didn’t want him to leave.

We also had a special visitor this weekend. Laura and Beverly-we really enjoyed your visiting this weekend. It makes the days go by so much quicker when there are different people to talk to. Although Stanton wasn’t too friendly today I think you saw his personality yesterday.

Thank you all for your continued support and prayers. Please keep them coming and stand with us in not giving up!

Never giving up
Tina

Saturday, January 8, 2005 5:19 PM CST

I just wanted to post a quick update. I hope to be going to the RMH in a few minutes for meditation time with Lauren King Ministries and will go to the Target House from there so I will be without a computer.

Stanton has had a pretty good day today. He actually let Jeff go to the Target House last night and I got to stay with him. Hayden stayed with us and in fact had to take a shower at the hospital this morning because Stanton did not want him to go. Stanton's night was much better than the night before. He slept from 1-4 and then from 7-9. I think it is more of having his days and nights a little mixed up. He has been on a tricycle some today and playing in the halls a good bit.

32 more hours of chemo and counting! Hoping this is the combination to give the beast a good kick!

Only By His Grace
Tina

I am happy to report that Jake is back home at St. Jude's. He was transfered from LeBonheur this afternoon. Go Baby Jake!!!!!

Friday, January 7, 2005 10:32 PM CST

The day did get a little better, in fact Stanton is in full force right now feeling pretty good. He slept most of the day, but had no more pain and could not be "Stanley" while he was sleeping. He has had a little nausea but not to bad at this point.

Hayden came in tonight with Jeff's mom, Jerry and Jeff's grandmother. It was there turn to have Christmas. Yes, it appears that Stanton will have Christmas until July. Of course he was glad to see bubba and really perked up after they began to play silly six pens. I don't think the room next door is going to like us to much if I don't get him calmed down soon though because it is pretty loud.

This week has been such a whirlwind and so many people have done so much to keep my spirits up. Thank you to all of you. I actually was talking to a PR person from St. Jude today about our story (it is going to be published in the Promise magazine) and she said now how long ago did all of this latest happen and when I said Tuesday she couldn't believe it. We talked about how God has given us clear cut answers to our prayers this week and how easy it is when he does that although that is not always the case. I know there are times when we begin to feel like we have had about all that we can take and this is when God steps in. Speaking of which I heard a new song today and I can't wait to find out who sings it and the lyrics. I think it is called when God came running. He steps in to hold us, wrap his arms around us and do whatever it takes for us to take the next step.

I also talked to someone today about how it is during these times your faith can get very thin, especially if you are having a hard time with it anyway. If you give in and let your faith waiver then Satan wins. So anytime you feel yourself start to fall, just be sure you fall into the right hands.

I had a devotional on fixing your eyes upon the Lord! This will sustain you. It is not something that you can do just once but you may have to do several times a day. When your whole world seems to fall apart just look up to the Lord. This and only this is how I make it through each and every day.

Please keep the prayers coming for Stanton as we have about 51 more hours of this chemo. I also don't want to forget about all of our St. Jude friends who we have all prayed so diligently for: Jake, Emma Grace, Emilie and so many others.

Looking to the Lord
Tina

Thursday, January 6, 2005 10:26 PM CST

UPDATE JANUARY 7 1:00: We are about 12 hours into this new chemo and I can tell you that it is unlike any we have seen before. When I asked last night what order the 3 drugs would come in they said all at one time with 2 of them running continuously for 72 hours (the 2 worst ones). This has already taken its toll on Stanton's little body as he was in a little pain this morning. It is a side effect of one of the medicines. They also had him on a steroid which made him "Steroid Stanley" all morning. They have decided to take him off of this to see how he does tummy wise. I will update my usual tonight but wanted everyone to know what was going on. Love you all!!!!

It seems like we might have been here before. I guess that is because we have. 2 years ago today Stanton was admitted for his first chemotherapy. I can remember it like it was yesterday, although at that time I had no idea I would be here 2 years later. He has yet to start chemo tonight, we are waiting on him to be hydrated enough (it will most likely be in the wee hours of the morning). He actually slept most of the afternoon and is down in the play area so we will all be up most of the night I am sure.

What did we find out today about scans? Bone marrow results 80 CT scan-normal. MIBG-widespread metastatic disease. Dr. Furman had not looked at this himself yet but apparently there were no surprises. Our primary goal is to get the bone marrow percentage down significantly.

Stanton has adjusted to hospital life again although it has been some time. He will be receiving a steroid before the chemo starts which all of you know makes him “Stanley”. We just hope that this keeps the side effects minimal. Dr. Furman is the doctor on the floor this week and weekend which will be a first for us. This is great for us as he knows Stanton and exactly what is going on.

I can’t even begin to explain to you how much Dr. Furman, Sandy and Nicole meant to us this week. Once again we were getting news that no parent wants to hear from some of the most kind and compassionate people we have ever seen. It means so much to us as parents when we see the look of concern on the doctors and nurses faces.

Your guestbook entries have been so inspiring. I love to read every one of them. The picture of David and Goliath was awesome. Stanton loved it.

Lori-thank you so much for your continued support for me during this long journey. You continue to hang on with me although it goes on and on. I miss our lunch trips where we could talk in person.

I know this is unusually short for me but there are just no words tonight. Thank you all for your support and most of all prayers. We feel comforted by them daily.

Still being carried by Him
Tina

Wednesday, January 5, 2005 11:05 PM CST

I can’t begin to thank all of you for the words of encouragement in the guestbook. You can never know how it makes us feel to heat so many are praying with us for Stanton. I also got a couple of very special phone calls tonight, one which I got to talk to and one who I didn’t but know he is there if we need him, Don/Gerhard-thanks it meant so much.

I will tell you that today was a better day. Not because we got up and anything changed just that we got up and decided that it was going to be a better day. Stanton had a scan at 8:00 this morning but when we got there his gums were bleeding so that couldn’t put him to sleep. Our little trooper did not let this stop him, he laid on the table for about an hour perfectly still. I am not sure what point he went to sleep but he did great. He has an MRI tomorrow and we will sign consents for chemo and be admitted. Jeff and I are very much at peace with the decision we have made, which has made today much easier.

As we were riding home from the hospital today a song came on the radio and I believe it is by Casting Crowns and I may have even shared a verse of it with you before but it was so appropriate and when I heard the verse about David and the giant I knew I had to share because this is one of Stanton’s favorite bible stories.

Oh what I would do to have
The kind of strength it takes to stand before a giant
With just a sling and a stone
Surrounded by the sound of a thousand warriors
Shaking in their armor
Wishing they'd have had the strength to stand

But the giant's calling out my name
And he laughs at me
Reminding me of all the times
I've tried before and failed
The giant keeps on telling me
Time and time again. "Boy you'll never win!"
"You'll never win!"

Chorus:
But the Voice of Truth tells me a different story
The Voice of Truth says, "Do not be afraid!"
And the Voice of Truth says, "This is for My glory"
Out of all the voices calling out to me
I will choose to listen and believe the Voice of Truth

But the stone was just the right size
To put the giant on the ground
And the waves they don't seem so high
From on top of them lookin' down
I will soar with the wings of eagles
When I stop and listen to the sound of Jesus
Singing over me

There were time yesterday when I could almost hear Satan laughing, feeling like he was winning, reminding me that I could never win. I refuse to believe this and am going to listen to the “Voice of Truth”. Stanton’s tenacity never ceases to amaze me and I can almost imagine him standing before a giant (literally) and telling him than he was going to win. I believe that he will do the same to the beast.

After we got back from the hospital I actually cooked supper for Trish and us. Yes for all of you out there I have witnesses and it did happen. Trish and I snuck off after supper to have girl time and while listening to the news we couldn’t help but get intrigued by a tory called “The end of time?”. It was talking about all of the natural disasters and if this was a sign of the end of time. I just looked at Trish and laughed because we have often said that anytime God got ready to come here and take us all home that would be fine with us. As I said this again I commented that all of my loved ones would be coming with me so I would be more than ready, but then I stopped to think. Would they? Is there someone I am missing, someone God has placed in front of me and I haven’t noticed? I know that his wish is that no one should perish and that all may come HOME.

Still Keeping my eyes open for the purpose
Tina

Tuesday, January 4, 2005 10:55 PM CST

I had put off this entry tonight because it is one that I dread, and I wasn’t exactly sure what I would say. Needless to say it has been one of those days when God and I have had many conversations and I haven’t always been happy. I know so many of you read my journals and are amazed at my strength but I will admit there are times when I am not so strong and there were times today if I had journaled you would have seen those.

As we got to CT today the nurse told us that the D clinic had called and wanted to see us. Jeff and I immediately knew that it is never good news to get summoned to the clinic without an appointment. We were right. Stanton’s bone marrow was full of neuroblastoma cells. This was of course not the news that we wanted to hear. Actually our fellow doctor told us and talked about some options before Dr. Furman came in. I hated this is a way because at some point I felt like she said that by continuing treatment we were not looking out for Stanton’s best interest but I liked it because it gave me some time before Dr. Furman came in. In the time we waited all I could do was pray for wisdom and guidance in making treatment decisions. When he did come in you once again could see the hurt in his face. It seems that we are fighting a battle that we can’t win. He gave us a few options. The first being just to treat symptoms. Stanton is still feeling great (which they say there is no logical explanation for) which means this is not an option we are interested in at this time. The second is the ultimate goal being bone marrow transplant. He will have to undergo a high dose chemo regimen before transplant could get ready for him and with this comes some major side effects. The dosages of chemo will be higher than he has ever gotten, 2 drugs he has gotten before with one additional one he hasn’t. The risks are many but some of the same of what we have already experienced you just increase the risks with every round of chemo. The third would be to try another phase I study and with the amount of disease this really is not the logical thing to do. When Dr. Furman asked what my goal was I said “I want him cured”. He in turn replied “you realize how unrealistic that is at this point, but Stanton has made a liar out of me before.” I sure hope he makes one out of him this time. Needless to say this was an emotional day and I looked at Dr. Furman in the eyes and asked “What would you do?” Knowing he had no right or wrong answer and he said “high dose followed by transplant is your only hope”. I really wasn’t expecting an answer so I figured God didn’t want to leave me guessing. One thing we have promised ourselves and Dr. Furman is that once we make a decision we will not look back at the “what if’s” and this stands true this time.

We came back to the Target House and cried a lot, talked to a lot of family and continued to pray that we are making the right decision. I had been through many of my devotionals, had listened to Brother Wayne read to me from Psalm 86 but nothing was giving me the sense of peace that I needed. After dinner with the Hampton’s (Did I mention I couldn’t have made it today without them or Sherri) I came back for some more quiet time and pulled out the “Grace for the Moment book”. When I opened it the date was January 5th but before I flipped back I noticed the title and had to read more.

DON”T MISS GOD’S ANSWER

Genesis 18:14
Is anything to hard for the Lord? No!

“The God of surprises strikes again…God does that for the faithful. Just when the womb gets to old for babies, Sarai gets pregnant. Just when the failure is too great for grace, David is pardoned…
The lesson? Three words, Don’t give up…
Is the road long? Don’t stop.
Is the night black? Don’t quit.
God is watching. For all you know right at this moment…the check is in the mail.
The apology in the making.
The job contract is on the desk.
Don’t quit. For if you do, you may miss the answers to your prayers.”

You can’t imagine how much I needed to read this devotional. It was like God saying to me you are making the right decisions. My situation is much different from those mentioned but the whole concept hit right on target. “DON”T QUIT”. I will still probably not sleep much tonight but will have a sense of peace about the decisions that we have made. It was like God stood in front of me and said, “I promised I wouldn’t leave you just leave the decisions to me”.

Stanton has an MIBG scan tomorrow and an MRI on Thursday. I don’t think the results of either will change the game plan. We will admit after the MRI on Thursday to start chemo.

Please continue to hold Stanton up in your prayers as this treatment once again will be so hard on him.

Not quitting,
Tina

Monday, January 3, 2005 10:34 PM CST

2 years ago today Stanton had his first bone marrow biopsies. We can only hope that today's results are better than 2 years ago. I am really struggling with a peace about this weeks scans. I know that nothing I can do can change the results, I just have this mommy instinct that all is not well. As I was reading some of my email devotionals tonight I came across something that I had actually thought about earlier. When God says His Grace is sufficient. I have often seen the question "If all you had was God's grace would that be enought?" This is a question I have thought about often today.

Tomorrow we have a CT of Stanton's chest, abdomen and pelvis and the MIBG injection.

Jake's surgery went as expected, maybe a little better. He is in ICU for the next couple of days so be sure and say a few extra prayers for them. I know today was a very long day for all of them.

We managed to get moved into the Target House today so plese note the new phone number and address. I am not sure how we accumulated so much stuff in 8 months but obviously we did. I was unpacking as Jeff was bringing it in. I kept saying, this has to be it but he kept coming. It will take me some time to settle in but we will manage. I can not say leaving the RMH was easy. I had my share of meltdowns. I don't think the combination of moving and scan week was a god one for my emotional well being.

I just continue to ask for prayers for wisdom and guidance to make the right treatment decisions.

His Grace if Sufficient
Tina

Sunday, January 2, 2005 9:58 PM CST

January 2, 2003-the date “our journey” began. This is a day that I will remember from beginning to end for the rest of my life. There are even things that happened at work that day before the world came crashing in that I remember so vividly. I guess the memory that stands out the most is rounding the corner in the CT suite at Minden Medical Center to see Dr. Phillips standing there with tears in her eyes. At that point I could have never imagined what we would go through and how we would change.

I find myself at such a different point in my life than I was 2 years ago. Things that were once so important don’t seem so important anymore. I have learned so much about the plans that God has for me, yet still have so many questions.

As I sit here and look around, we have been packing (we will be moving to the Target House tomorrow) I just can’t believe that this is my life yet I cannot imagine it any other way. I know I should be happy about moving. The Target House is like an apartment and will give us some more room. I just have mixed feelings. So much has happened here at the RMH in the last 8 months I feel like I am leaving all of that behind. I know this is crazy because the memories made are memories that can never be taken away from me. There have been some GREAT times but there have been some pretty tough times as well (much tougher than last year). We have made many friends who have come and gone. We have also made many friends who will be here forever. This is just the next step in the journey. I can tell you that if Trish wasn’t going with me I am not sure I could have moved.

Sherri, I just can’t thank you enough for the person that you are and what you do for the children and the families that live in the house. I am not sure what I am going to do not being able to walk by your office and see you sitting there to harass. Yours is a job that I wouldn’t have for any amount of money for many reasons (crazy moms like me for one) yet you keep going with a smile (usually). Please just know that you are not rid of me. I will be back regularly to make sure things are going as they should.

Tomorrow is a BIG day in the St. Jude world for a couple of different reasons. First, although we were diagnosed 2 years ago today we actually got to St. Jude 2 years ago tomorrow. Stanton also had his first bone marrow biopsy on the 3rd. Well guess what, Stanton will be having a bone marrow biopsy tomorrow. This will be the first day of a big week of scans for us. These scans will determine our next course of treatment. I guess I am being very cautious and really not getting my hopes up. I am learning that the scans will say what they are going to whether I worry about them for days or not at all. My prayer is that God gives us the strength to hear whatever the results are and the wisdom to make a decision on future treatment.

Another BIG deal tomorrow is Jake Raborn’s liver surgery. If you remember this was cancelled last week because of lack of blood supply. They have to have a minimum of 14 units to do the surgery if that tells you anything about the surgery itself. We were all reminded of God’ time this week though as Jake has felt better than he has in a while. This surgery will be many hours long and very detailed. I won’t even attempt to go into the details just know that this family needs prayers for peace tomorrow as well as prayers for the surgeons who will be operating and most importantly for Jake who will need to be the little fighter he has been for months. Staci/Don-we love you guys and are here for you for anything.

I also think Emma Grace starts some of her one month post transplant scans this week. They have been so busy packing I can’t even tell you what all she is having done but general prayers will work.

Although I have said all that I needed to say I have not been as long winded as I thought I would be so you will get you daily devotional. This comes from my “Bedside Blessings” from December 31.

“We are only finite human beings. We can only see the present and the past. The future is a little frightening to us. So we need to hold onto God’s hand and trust Him to calm our fears. And at those times when we’re stubborn and resisting and He shakes us by the shoulders to get our attention, we’re reminded that we don’t call the shots. God has a plan for us, mysterious though it may seem, and we want to be in the center of it. All of the risks notwithstanding, the center of God’s will is still the safest place on earth to be.”

Psalm 130:6

My soul waits for the Lord more than the watchmen for the morning.

What a devotional to read in bed the last night of 2004. I am pretty sure God has my attention! In fact it feels like he is constantly shaking me trying to keep my attention. I know there is a plan and I will continue in my quest to make sure the plan that God has for me is fulfilled to the best of my abilities.

Thank you all to those of you who have been there from the beginning as well as those of you who have joined us in the middle of the journey (I wish now I had started this web site last year). Yes, Carol you can say I told you so. You guys are a big part of what keeps us going each day. We feel the prayers and God’s arms embracing us.

Standing in the Center of God’s will
Tina

Saturday, January 1, 2005 10:17 PM CST

Happy New Year everyone! I know it is going to be a great 2005 and that we will take Stanton home cancer free, as will so many of our other St. Jude friends.

Jeff’s family left today and took Hayden with them. I can’t tell you how it broke my heart to watch Stanton tell him goodbye and then to watch him wave and scream “come back bubba” as they drove off. I think we all thought he would be here until Sunday so we didn’t prepare Stanton like we should have. Hayden-it was great to have you here the last 2 weeks. We love you and will miss you greatly. I am always so proud when someone tells me what a good kid you are.

I am packing, or attempting to pack in preparation for a move to the Target House possibly Monday. This is starting to be WAY bigger than I imagined. I have thought about a moving company. What it did do for me today was give me a little quiet time to reflect on the last year and prepare for the new year.

After 2003 I didn’t think there could ever be a year that could even compare. I was wrong. 2004 proved to be even more of a challenge. I look back at what we have been through and how we have changed. Last new year’s we were reliving Stanton’s intial diagnosis. This year we are still living in the cancer world under completely different circumstances. Rather than rehash the whole year with you (you can do that by reading my journals) I decided to share some of the blessings that came in 2004.

1. Jeff, Hayden, Stanton and I have taken our family to a whole new level. I am so blessed to have such a very supportive loving husband and 2 fabulous children.

2. Mom/Dad-We have had to endure so much more than most families ever do but I am blessed to have the most supportive parents in the world. From the trips every other week to Memphis to mom dropping everything to come stay with me. I love you guys so very much! Thank you

3. My sister Jamie who continues to hang in there with us through the journey, sharing her children and loving Stanton more than anything.

4. Mary Claire, Elynn Kate, Hollan, Coltan, Dakota, Walker, Whittney, Heather-all of you who I have missed so much of this year.

5. Trish, Barney, Emma Grace and Eli-words just can’t go there. I love you all!

6. St. Jude’s and all of the staff who continue to fight each and everyday for Stanton’s life.

7. Minden, the community that we are from. You guys continue to support us although the journey has been long. We will forever be grateful.

8. Dr. Phillips and Carla-thanks for who you are and don’t ever change a thing.

9. Mr. Smith-once again words just can’t say. I think you have an idea.

10. Joyce, Eleanor, Melody, Brenda, Leslie – you guys are amazing and I am blessed to have you all on board.

11. Lori R., you’ve been the best friend I could have asked for and I miss you so much.

12. Sherri and the rest of the staff at the RMH-Blessing is an understatement. This house is one that will hold many memories for years to come.

13. Don, Staci, Jake and crew-sorry we had to meet you here but have loved getting to know you and know that 2005 is going to be the year.

14. All of our St, Jude families-if I listed them all this journal would be15 pages long.

15. Gerhard Barone and family-a blessing that only exists because of the journey. I feel like you are all a part of our family.

16. I guess one of the biggest blessings is all of the friends and prayer warriors that we have come to know through this journal. It is amazing that so many people keep up with us and pray for us.

I could make this list go on and on but figure I will give you a little break.

During my “packing time” I got to watch the Christmas musical from our church. Todd and Alicia, it was a great as I had heard that it was and the meaning is something that I have thought about a lot this holiday season.

The name of the musical was called “The Cradle that Rocked the World”. It centered around how God sent his son to be one of “us”. What a gift! How are we worthy? Brother Wayne said at the end of the musical the greatest gift we can give. That gift is the gift of our heart to God.

Thank you all again for the blessings! Hoping for a GREAT 2005!

Blessed,
Tina

Friday, December 31, 2004 11:12 PM CST

It just dawned on me that if I didn't hurry up and journal I would miss journaling the last day of 2004. I know all of you faithful followers would have been worried.

The morning started early as Stanton's tummy has not been feeling the best today. As he messed up one bed I put the sheets in the washer and moved to the other bed only to wake up and have to change those sheets as well. I tried to get him to put on a pull up which he won't hear of but if we have to throw away any underwear tomorrow we might have to work out a deal.

Jeff's Dad and brother came up this morning. Hayden had tickets to the Liberty Bowl and they came up to take him. Thanks guys! It meant alot to Hayden to be able to go to the game and to spend time with you both.

Jeff, Debbie, Dana, Dakota, Coltan, and Hollan came up later on in the afternoon. Boy was Stanton happy to see his daddy. Baby Jake was pretty happy to see Mr. Jeff too. He waited to start his birthday party until he got here.

Stanton couldn't wait to get to open his presents. It is nothing like celebrating Christmas for weeks. Once again it was just a reminder of things we missed.

I have so much I want to say about the year 2004 but I will wait and share with you tomorrow because there is a very special little girl waiting for me to come see her next door (yes Emma Grace is home).

Reflecting on the past year,
Tina

Mom-you will probably read this before I talk to you and I can't tell you how much the book means. It was the one thing I had mentioned that I had not gotten. I at the time had no idea the magnitude of the project. I love it!

Thursday, December 30, 2004 11:41 PM CST

I know it seems that my entries get later and later. There is a reason for that. Stanton has become the child that needs NO sleep. He was up at 1:00 this morning telling me he needed popcorn, no I did not get up and give him popcorn. He is now laying in bed eating popcorn. He has got up about 9:30 and has had a very small nap. I don't know where he gets his energy. I just wish I had some.

As expected today he needed platelets so we spent the good portion of the day at the hospital. He has been so grouchy. I just hope that is not his way of expressing that he doesn't feel good.

He is really looking forward to his daddy coming tomorrow. He does okay when he is not here but it is pretty sad to hear him tell him goodnight every night.

Emma Grace is doing well and should be discharged from the hospital tomorrow.

Allie is still a long way from out of the woods but seems to making steps in the right direction.

Jake has a surgery date, Monday. His 3rd birthday is tomorrow and it was great to see him feel so good today. I think we have all seen God's plan behind the postponment of the surgery. Jake is much stronger this week than last week. So I will go on and remind everyone now to start the prayers. If you get a minute go by and wish him a happy birthday. www.caringbridge.org/la/jakeowen

My quote for the day: "Some people complain because God put thorns on roses, while others praise Him for putting roses among thorns"

Phillipians 4:8

Brothers and sisters, think about the things that are good and worthy of praise. Think about the things that are true and honorable and right and pure and beautiful and respected.

Trying to believe tomorrow is the last day of the year,
Tina

Wednesday, December 29, 2004 11:27 PM CST

Just as I finished this journal and was having a hard time with a devotional for tonight I looked at the guestbook. Check it out because the picture says it all "I never said it would be easy, I only said it would be worth it."

All I can say is I have said it many times, God's timing is perfect. There are many days that I question this but this week is not one of those. As you all know Monday was a pretty rotten day for me, but Monday evening God sent our special friends the Barone's who made not only Monday special but Tuesday and today as well. They left this afternoon heading back to Austin. Thank you guys for the great couple of days. It was nice to have adult conversation as well as just being able to sit back and watch you all play. I certainly needed the distraction.

We also had some other special visitors today. Annie and Deanna it was great to see you and for the kids to get a chance to meet you. I am sure Gerhard enjoyed the break from chasing them. You were so sweet to bring presents. You 2 are very special people who Stanton and I will remember forever.

Stanton is still feeling good. He does seem to tire a little occasionally, but not near as much as I do. I expect he will get platelets tomorrow and possibly blood. If so it will be a long day at the hospital.

Our friend Allie had a very rough night last night. The last report I got sounded like she was at least holding her own and possibly making a turn for the better. Please keep this family in your prayers.

It appears that Emma Grace will be discharged from the hospital tomorrow. I don't know if she knows it yet but they should be going to the Target House. We will be moving soon as well, but if the kids are seperated for long it is not going to be pretty considering they have been waiting a month for Emma Grace to come "home". This is a move that must be made for the well being of the kids after transplant. It is a change, as we have grown to love the RMH and the staff here. We will keep in touch but it will be different. My hope is that the paperwork will be finished tomorrow so that we could possibly move as early as the weekend or at least next week while I have Jeff here.

I had a pretty powerful devotional tonight on prayer and to be honest I just am not up to sharing it yet. Maybe I haven't fully absorbed it all or don't understand it all but it was pretty deep. So I hate to leave you with nothing to start your day so this comes from a book called "Prayers of a Loving Mother". Elizabeth this is for you! Congratulations! I hope you and the baby are doing well. I also know that you are the definition of a loving mother so here goes. I know I say it often but it can't be said often enough, as a mother God has entrusted you with a priceless treasure from above. By making God the focus is your home, a loving mother can offer a priceless legacy to their children-a legacy of hope, a legacy of love and a legacy of wisdom. Thank you to my mother for being a loving mother who made God the center of our family. I wouldn't be here today without it.

So many children these days grow up without God as the center of their families or without families at all. My prayer tonight will be for these children, especially the ones at St. Jude who do not know God and the power that He has.

Thank you all for your continued support and prayers. We love you guys!

Thankful for my priceless treasures,
Tina

Tuesday, December 28, 2004 11:51 PM CST

I will start by saying today was a little better than yesterday. I woke up and in my morning prayer basically just told God that it was going to be better no matter what I had to do. I didn’t have to do anything. He had already sent very special people into my life to make sure today was better.

When we got up and got moving we called the Barone’s. They are morning people and we are not, although they may be dragging a little tomorrow. If so I will have to give Gerhard a hard time about letting a kid with cancer wear him out. We had a great day of playing, visiting and playing some more. Gerhard is like the kids own toy. They played hide and seek, rode in a wagon, climbed on him for piggy back rides, just a little of everything. What did I get out of all of this. First of all some adult conversation over lunch. Keep in mind our families are new to each other and there is a lot of catching up to do. Second of all I got to sit on the couch and do nothing. Yes, there was plenty of laundry to be done but I had a blast just sitting back watching them. It really is amazing how well the kids have bonded as well as Gerhard and every family member of his that I have had the pleasure to meet. There really are no awkward moments like you would think hanging out with someone you just met (Trish and I talk about meeting him over the internet), it just feels like family. This family is just one of the many blessings that God has sent our way.

We got to spend the evening with another very special family in our life who we have thought of as family for 2 years now. Nurse Sarah’s mom and dad had us over for dinner. The meal was great but the company was even better. Jack, Grant and Stanton played, once again like they had known each other forever. As adults we could learn so much from the genuine love that kids have for each other no matter what the differences. I love to see the kids accept Stanton although he looks a little different than they do but they don’t shy away. They look past the differences and see another kid, just like them. I think Stanton would have stayed a lot longer but we had to get back for bath night. Mr. and Mrs. Noelker-thank you so much for welcoming us into your home tonight. We had a great time. We have loved Sarah for a long time now and as we begin to know the rest of her family we love you as well and see how she became the very special person that she is.

As you can see by the time quiet time is not quite as easy to get in these days with Jeff gone, but I couldn’t get by a day without it. I read a devotional tonight called Mary’s heart. As you all know I have had a rough couple of days and am already dreading scans next week and this devotional really hit a nerve.

Can you imagine how Mary felt when the angel appeared before her and told her she be the mother of Jesus? But the angel said “Do not be afraid”. This is a statement for me that is so much easier said than done. From one cover of the bible to the other God tells us to not be afraid but I know I can’t count the times I have been afraid. My strength in these times comes from knowing the first person I go to and cling to is God Himself. I pray and seek His direction, comfort and peace and when this is not the route I take I am often reminded in ways that hurt.

Mary’s life reflected her relationship with God. Mary listened as Gabriel delivered this AWESOME message. The key word here being LISTENED. How many times have you talked to someone and you knew that they weren’t listening? Or better yet how many times have you pretended to listen to someone when you weren’t? I know there are days when God must feel this way about me. I talk and talk but never stop and listen to the answers. I think this may have been my biggest problem this week.

Mary could have had many questions although her desire to obey God caused her to say only one thing “yes Lord”.

My questions for today:
Is my heart pure? Am I seeking Him with my whole heart? Is fear or
faith residing in my heart? Is it listening? Is it ready to say, "Yes, Lord"?
Is my heart a place where He is at home?

My prayer for today:

Lord, I want my heart to be a place that You are pleased to dwell. I
open every room in my heart to You, Jesus. Where there is fear, replace
it with faith in You. Help me make our relationship my first priority.
I want to have a listening heart ready to obey You. I want to love you
with all my heart. Amen

This was a tough devotional and one that will not end tonight.

Psalm 139:23-24

Search me, O God and know my heart; test me and know my anxious thoughts. See if there is any offensive way in me and lead me in the way everlasting.

Looking Deep in My Heart
Tina

Special prayer request tonight for our friend Allie, she was admitted to ICU last night and put on a ventilator this morning. They think she may have a combination of GVHD and VOD. This little girl went through the same type of transplant as Emma Grace about one week before her and her mom, Nancy has been a HUGE support system for Trish and Emma Grace.

Monday, December 27, 2004 11:12 PM CST

Emotional rollercoaster, no that is not quite appropriate. I am not sure how I would put today in words. There were times I would never ever want to do again and then there were some that were worth more than money could buy.

The morning started with a visit to the doctor. Really no big deal, Stanton of course was bruised all up as usual. He was not cooperative at all with Dr. Furman, he insisted on Nurse Sandy looking in his ears. One of his ears was a little dull, so because of that and the nasty nose we started him back on the antibiotic. I tried to get a feel from Dr. Furman on his thoughts at this point based on Stanton’s lab values. There really is no answer and not enough information to compare to so we will no nothing until next week. The line nurse looked at his line and it appeared to have been repaired well. We will just have to be extra careful with the white line now.

We came back to RMH and watched as Cindy got Dylan ready to go home. Their room was actually right across the hall from Zoie’s so I can’t tell you all of the emotions that came with watching (and trying to offer assistance) Cindy and Dillon today. As her brother-in-law carried him down the hall, I had to walk away. I would be lying if I said that the “what if’s? and why’s?” didn’t overcome me. These are 2 subjects I will struggle with on a daily basis and God knows this. That is why when I struggle He is the first place I turn. One day I will have all of my answers.

Not long after they left Don came in to get their bags because Jake had been admitted to LaBonheur for surgery tomorrow morning. You could see the look of fear in Don’s eyes as I talked to him. This is another place that so many of us have been. You take your baby and place him on an operating table, kiss him as he goes to sleep and then wait. This family has become so special to us I could feel his pain. So as he headed out I had an additional focus.

I called to check on Emma Grace and she is doing great, right on target but this phone call quickly turned into something so much more than Emma Grace. Our friend Allie, whose mom Nancy has been a lifesaver to Trish this last month, is showing signs of possible VOD (a side effect of transplant). She had a liver biopsy today and was taken to ICU. Once again, I can’t explain the bond that you form with these families and these kids become like your own. Trish and I talked about how hard it is to feel good about how well things are going with your child when so many others aren’t doing so well.

The next phone call I received was from Don telling me that Jake’s surgery had been canceled. They had not been able to get enough of his blood type into the blood bank. WHOO! How do you take that? I know Staci and Don are drained. They were pumped up as ready as they were going to be and then bam, no surgery. I think they will know more tomorrow about new game plan. Staci did say that this must not have been the right time. I love it when he answers our prayers in black and white and give us no gray area to consider. The biggest deal right now as that as each day goes by without doing surgery or chemo the tumor will continue to grow. We did get to meet several of their family and friends that have been praying for Stanton that had come up for Jake’s surgery.

While we were waiting on supper to be delivered Hayden got wind that there were 2 front row seats to a Memphis Grizzlies game. He informed me that this was an opportunity of a lifetime and could not believe that I would not take him. (Park, hike a mile in the ice with Stanton, sit through a game that I wouldn’t even enjoy much less Stanton). I knew how much fun it would be for him but I could just not handle it. I told him if he could find someone to take him he could go. Being the kid he is it didn’t take him long to develop a game plan. He knew Mrs. Sarah’s husband David was a big sports fan so he called him. I don’t know if David did it because he really wanted to go or because Hayden begged him but regardless, Mr. David you made Hayden’s night. Thank you for doing this for us. I hope you had as much fun as he had.

Our evening ended with the arrival of Gerhard Barone, Jimmy and Hannah. You may all recall how I have talked about this special family before. They were a blessing sent to us, I am still not even sure how it all started but we have been so blessed. These 3 actually traveled 10 hours just to come visit Stanton and Emma Grace. Sandra, Gerhard’s wife I think told him he was crazy and I would have to agree with her although we enjoyed the company. Sandra-thank you for sharing your very special family. I told Gerhard the next trip had to include you as I can’t wait to meet you. Stanton was so excited when they got here you would thought he had actually met them all. He had met Gerhard one time but was pretty sick and had little to do with him. The kids played like they had known each other forever. Hannah and Jimmy are both precious children obviously being raised by incredible parents. I think they could have played for many more hours but it had been a long day. Stanton couldn’t wait to tell Hayden he had made new friends. We are looking forward to spending a few days and letting the kids hang out and hopefully have lots of fun.

As I looked through devotional books tonight I think I was looking for something bold and precise. The day had held so many feelings. I knew it had taken its toll when 2 different people called to see if I was okay. So, my precious son, Hayden, knew Max Lucado was one of my favorites so he had gotten me 2 new books. One being titled “Everyday Blessings”. When you think about this title and how true it is, no matter what we are going through each day we are blessed. Some days I can count so many more than others but everyday can count some.

One thing I also have to remind myself is that everything that happens is part of a master plan that is already mapped out. No, we don’t have the map and can’t get the map but it is there. (I really don’t want the map). So my verse and quote from tonight comes from my new book. (I love them both Hayden).

Acts 2:23

They put him to death by nailing him to a cross. But this was God’s plan which he had made long ago.

“The cross wasn’t a tragic surprise. Calvary was not a knee-jerk response to a world plummeting toward destruction. It wasn’t a patch-up job or a stop gap measure….

The moment the forbidden fruit touched the lips of Eve, the shadow of the cross appeared on the horizon. And between that moment and the moment when the man with the mallet placed the spike against the wrist of God, a master plan was fulfilled.”

I have often been reminded that nothing that happens is a surprise to God. He knows. He knows what is going to happen and he knows how we will respond. I can’t imagine how Jesus, His son felt as this master plan was fulfilled. One thing I do know is that He trusted His father to do His will and so must we. This is so much easier said than done.

I am not going to relist the prayer requests. I think you got them all. Thank you all for continuing on this journey with us. We have grown to love people that we have never even met.

Looking into the horizon,
Tina

Sunday, December 26, 2004 9:29 PM CST

Sometimes I wonder if my life will ever be simple again. We can take something that should be so easy and make it so much more.

First of all Jeff got home safe and sound and with no big trouble from Stanton although he reminds me often that his daddy will be back in 5 days. Hayden being here was also a big distraction and so far had been a great big help.

We were scheduled for lab checks at 6:30 but after Jeff left Stanton hit his head and it immediately bruised so I decided to go in a little earlier so we wouldn't be there all night getting platelets. I am really getting good at guessing this whole platelet thing to as they were 8. So off we headed to get platelets. Just as we were finishing I was talking to Trish and was going to go sit with Emma Grace while she ran an errand, no big deal right. Well as they were pushing the heparin (which Stanton loves) he says "OH NO momma" When we lifted his shirt we noticed his dressing was wet and there was a whole in his line. Yes, our quick trip had now turned into an adventure. Thankfully one of the nurses in the medicine room had been trained in how to repair a line or we would have had to wait on a line nurse to drive in. They were able to repair it and we will meet with the line nurse tomorrow for them to look at it and make sure it looks okay. It really is amazing that this is the first time this has happened considering he has had his line for almost 2 years now.

Little Dylan that I have been asking for special prayer for is not doing so well. Cindy, his mom had decided to stay here but now as he has gone down hill quickly she has decided to take him home. They will be leaving to go home tomorrow. Cindy has remained so strong but once again I am having to watch a mom go through something no mom should ever have to go through.

One of the presents that Hayden and Stanton picked out for me for Christmas was "God's Little Instruction Book". It was actually 3 volumes and I love them so tonight I will quote something from one of these. It kind of goes along with whole "content" theme that I write about often.

"The grass may look greener on the other side, but it still has to be mowed"

Hebrews 13:5

Let your conduct be without covetousness; be content with such things as you have. For He Himself has said, "I will never leave you nor forsake you."

Believe it or not "content"
Tina

Saturday, December 25, 2004 10:40 PM CST

Merry Christmas! I am going to go on and for warn you that this entry will be as all of them are straight from the heart. I have always journaled more for me than anything so tonight this one is for me.

Christmas away from home, in one room, with 25 other families stuck here for the holidays. How would I describe today? Not good, not bad just different.

We knew almost a year ago that Christmas would be different when my grandmother passes away. This was her very favorite time of the year and even last year when she was in so much pain and sometimes couldn’t even remember our names she managed to order us each a little something. It was a gift I will never forget. All of the granddaughters got pedicure sandals and nail polish. I thought about mamaw yesterday when the gift that Stanton picked out all on his own was a pedicure set. For those of you who know me you know how much I love my pedicures.

Although we knew Christmas would be different at that time we had no idea how different it would be. Reality set in last weekend when I realized that we wouldn’t be with mom, dad, Jamie, Scotty and the girls on Christmas day. I kept telling myself it would all be okay. Even last night I seemed to be okay. We had a great evening with friends. We then got a chance to help play Santa Claus at RMH which was a lot of fun to do and then to see the kids playing with the gifts this morning. The boys got up, had a lot of fun opening presents and actually having time to play with them. Stanton did tell Jeff that “I told you Santa wasn’t bringing you anything because you were bad when you spanked me”. It was hard talking to everyone back home as they continued on with “normal” Christmas but I was still managing okay.

Then came the potluck at RMH. RMH provided the meat and deserts and the residents were to provide the side dishes. I know you are all thinking that this is a problem but Hayden came to the rescue. He whipped up some macaroni (I tried Domino’s but they were closed) for our contribution. As we set down at the table and began eating I think it all caught up with me. We were having Christmas dinner by ourselves (one thing that would have made it easier would have been to have Trish there but just couldn’t happen). Once again the true meaning of Christmas was hitting hard. No matter how chaotic our Christmas days normally are we are and have always been surrounded by family. I have been so fortunate that in my 32 years I have never had to spend Christmas day away from my mom and dad. I guess it took taking it away for me to realize how special it is.

As I was just about to have a complete meltdown, Dylan’s older brother came and sat down to have lunch with us. Who was I to be having a meltdown.-here he was with his younger brother spending most likely his very last Christmas asleep because he was hurting to bad to wake up. Perspective, it is all about perspective.

We then went to the hospital to spend some Christmas time with the part of our family that was missing today, the Hampton’s. Emma Grace wasn’t feeling great but when she found out she could go to the play area with Stanton and maybe steal a hug she felt a little better. They both got guitars so when she gets out of the hospital all I can say is everyone watch out. It was nice to get to spend some quality time with these dear friends. Guys-we love you and wish you could have been here at RMH with us. We are praying for those momma cells to take over and DESTROY the beast. Trish I figure as mad as you have been at this dreaded disease that this shouldn’t be hard. Praying for safe travel for Nanna and Poppa tomorrow as well as Barney as he gets back on the road.

Raborn’s-Hope you had a great day! We will try to have all of our stuff out of your room before you get back tomorrow. Starting the prayers early for surgery on Tuesday. Can’t wait to see you tomorrow.

Once again, I am not writing this to upset anyone or for pity just as a reminder to myself in the years to come my feelings on this day.

There are a couple of very special thank you’s I would like to make. As you all know the weather up here the last few days has been terrible. When you live in a house that uses a good but of volunteer staff inclement weather can become a big problem. The volunteers couldn’t get in and the staff was down to a minimum because of the holidays. Although the staff was small the work was HUGE. The house does so much to make the holidays special for the children but all of that takes a lot of hard work, on top of trying to keep the sidewalks clear and the halls swept and dry. So here goes-Sherri-I wouldn’t have your job if it was the last one on earth but once again this week you showed me why you are a perfect fit for the job and why you are so good at it. You were willing to do whatever it took for the kids to have a great Christmas. Your love for your job shone through even on those difficult days. Thank you for being the special person that you are and for becoming so much like a member of our family (I have spent more time with you than most of my family over the last 2 years). Amanda-I had a great time visiting with you the other night while you were the only person here. It did get a little crazy but you handled things so well and so patiently. I know you had plans to be somewhere other than here Thursday night but we enjoyed your company. You add such a very special personality to the house and again we think of you as family. Ms. Rita-what a faithful volunteer you are. When no one else was able to make it you showed up. I know you made Sherri and Tim’s job so much easier. Thank you for your time that you give up for our families. Last but not least, Mr. Tim-I now know how hard it is to be away from your family on this very special day. I also know just from talking to you that you have a very close family so today couldn’t have been easy (although you were surrounded by your adopted family). We had fun last night and watching the kids today was worth it all. Thank you for the special time you spent with Hayden today. I can’t think of a better role model for him to spend time with. Thank you also for being so special to Stanton. It is amazing that he has formed such a bond with someone who told him “no”. You’re the best!

Tomorrow will be another one of those dreaded day. Jeff will be traveling back home. The roads are still pretty icy so please pray for safe travel for him. Hayden will be staying with us this week so it will be a special week for us (I hope). He will be coming back up next weekend for scans the next week.

Just a short quote for the night by Warren Wiersbe:

“God did not cast down His benefits from the door of heaven. He came down to earth with His heart in them.”

Blessed beyond words
Tina

Friday, December 24, 2004 10:13 PM CST

Merry Christmas Eve to everyone. Yes, you don’t even get out of a journal on Christmas Eve. We have had another busy day getting ready for Christmas as well as helping around RMH. The weather is still pretty bad, no more snow but temperatures not warm enough to unfreeze what it still there.

We were fortunate enough tonight to spend the evening with a very special family tonight. I won’t mention names but you know who you are. I want to thank you for inviting us and welcoming us into your special family evening. You said it best when you said you felt blessed to have so many friends and family. We were not fortunate enough to spend this evening with our biological family but we felt surrounded by our adopted family. We love you.

I do have a devotional I want to share of course, then it is off to try to get Stanton to sleep (remember we live in one room). It is called “Just A Moment” by Max Lucado.

Phillipians2:7

He gave up his place with God and made himself nothing. He was born to be a man and became like a servant.

“It all happened in a moment, a most remarkable moment.

As moments go, that one appeared no different than any other. But in reality, that particular moment was like none other. God became man. Divinity arrived. Heaven opened herself and placed her most precious one in a human womb.

He came, not as a flash of light or as an unapproachable conqueror, but as one whose cries were heard by a peasant girl and a sleepy carpenter. The hands that first held him were unmanicured, calloused and dirty.

It is hard to imagine Jesus in this way, to pretend that he never lived the way that we do. But please don’t do this. Let Him into our world, for only if we let Him in can He help pull us out.”

Once again, I cannot stress how much this past year has changed my life and how different this Christmas is (rather than the obvious). I am so thankful for that “moment”.

Merry Christmas to all
Tina

By the way, if you haven't looked at the guestbook entries I encourage you to do so. There is obviously someone very talented and computer savy out there. Thank you to whoever you are as this picture is amazing.

Thursday, December 23, 2004 10:23 PM CST

Well, as predicted we got about 2 more inches of snow last night. Stanton’s labs looked okay, once again as expected. They did think we would make it through Christmas without having to get platelets although it may be close. We will just watch him and see. They will check him again on Sunday.

We have enjoyed getting to help out with some of the holiday chores at the RMH. It has actually been kind of fun. I guess only one thing at this point that could make it any better (besides the obvious of not being here at all and Stanton being well) would be the Hampton’s being here and not in the hospital. I don’t know what they were thinking not coordinating our treatment.

As crazy as it sounds, I am sitting here looking outside at the snow and ice and trying to figure out just how safe would it be to go shopping. Yes, I know most of you think I am crazy but I love the madness of watching people shop for last minute gifts.

I was sitting here looking on line for something I have decided that I needed to get for Hayden. I just feel like I haven’t done enough for him although I know I have. When I realized that there was no way to get it here before Christmas without paying outrageous shipping costs I have just decided that what I have done will have to be enough.

After this small conclusion I pulled out my “Grace for the Moment” book which almost always has something very appropriate for me and today was no different so guess who gets to benefit. You guessed it, you guys!!!

GOD’S GREAT GIFTS

Thanks to God for his gift that is to wonderful for words.

2 Corinthians 9:15

“Why did he do it? A shack would have sufficed, but he gave us a mansion. Did he have to give the birds a song and the mountains a peak? Was he required to put stripes on the zebra and the hump on the camel?...Why wrap creation in such splendor? Why go to so much trouble to give such gifts?

Why do you? You do the same. I’ve seen you searching for a gift. I’ve seen you stalking the malls and walking the aisles. I’m not talking about the obligatory gifts… I’m talking about that extra special person and that extra special gift…. Why do you do it? You do it so the heart will stop. You do it so the jaw will drop. You do it to hear those words of disbelief, ‘You did this for me?’

That’s why you do it. And that is why God did it. Next time a sunrise steals your breathe or a meadow of flowers leaves you speechless, remain that way. Say nothing and listen as heaven whispers, ‘Do you like it? I did it just for you.’”

Sometimes I think Max Lucado is lurking in the background watching my life. There is just always something so perfect when I need it most.

Stanton right now is on his play telephone telling his boss he is tired of having to come back to work. His imagination is unreal. He is really getting geared up over the whole Christmas thing and I love to hear him tell the Christmas story.

The Raborns’ made it home safely. As for the rest of the Hampton family I haven’t heard the latest result of where they were. They should be close to Memphis soon.

I know there are still many families hoping to get home for the holidays so pray for safe travel for all of them.

My very special prayer request for tonight is for those people who do not realize what God has given us. Those that don’t understand the true meaning of Christmas. I still stand humbled by the circumstances in which God sent His son for me.

Listening, Liking
Tina

Wednesday, December 22, 2004 10:08 PM CST

It looks like we may be having a white Christmas. Good news for those of us who never get to see snow on Christmas (or rarely for that matter)and are stuck here anyway but bad for those who are trying to get home. We got lots of ice today. It is supposed to snow another 2 inches tonight. Stanton loves it. He tried to go out in it for a little while today but the sleet bothered him so now he is content watching it from inside.

Jeff and I spent the majority of the day helping the staff here get ready for Christmas. I had a ball. Tonight all of the volunteer staff got snowed in and couldn't come in so we all played volunteers. I guess this feels so much like home it just felt like something we needed to do for our house.

While we were helping it gave Stanton and Hayden some much needed "Bubba" quality time. I think Hayden got so tired of picking up after Stanton he decided to try something different so they baked a cake. It was so cute to see Stanton so proud of his accomplishment and I must say the cake was so neat. Mrs. Butcher you did a great job teaching Hayden baking skills and cake decorating. They made the top of the cake look like a nativity scene. I won't go into details but they were very creative and it turned out neat. The cake also tasted very good.

As I said the weather is causing trouble for some of our dear friends. I know Eli and Trish's mom and dad are stuck trying to get here. Jake and his mom, grandmother and brothers will be trying to get home tomorrow. So please say some additional prayers for safe and continued travel for these families.

People have continued to be so generous to us and I got a card from a friend of the Raborn's today and I loved the front so I will share.

GOD SELDOM TELLS US WHY

When troubles unexpected
Rush in with dread and fear,
God seldom tells us why,
But He always draws near.

When our nights have no stars
And days are dark as night,
God seldom tells us why,
But He comes bringing light.

When we have taken licks,
Unfair and undeserved,
God seldom tells us why,
But heals us with His love.

Sometimes God's love leads us
Into valleys of doubt.
God seldom tells us why
But always leads us out.
Perry Tanksley

I thought this seemed so appropriate for the story of our life. I have learned that we don't have to know why things happen. It is our responsibility to trust that what is happening is for a reason and that God has it under control. Somedays this concept is harder to grasp than others. When you have a friend that spends each day meeting with hospice wondering how much time she has with her child the question of "why" comes up so many times. One of our friends is in this situation and I ask for special prayer for Dillon and his mom Cindy.

Thank you for your continued support and prayers.

Trying not to ask Why
Tina

Tuesday, December 21, 2004 10:54 PM CST

Jeff, Hayden and Stanton got up early this morning and went and got blood. Things are still going as expected. Jamie, Scotty and the girls stopped by the hospital to check on him but he was in a Benadryl induced nap so they came on over to RMH where I had been picking up so Elynn Kate would have plenty to drag out. We had a great day just hanging out at the “Donald” house playing. I more than enjoyed my time with the girls.

Scotty-Thank you for taking your vacation time to make sure I got to spend some time with Jamie, Mary Claire and Elynn Kate. Jamie-I know things this year will be so different and I thank you so much for coming up here to spend Christmas with us. You make sure the girls call Christmas morning. I will be there with all of my heart.

As usual saying good-bye was hard. It just always feels so good to have family here. After they left Stanton had gotten some Christmas money and wanted to go to “Build a Bear”. I am not sure how he knew about this store as we had purposely avoided it everytime we went to the mall but I didn’t have the heart to tell him no when he was so excited. Of course dragging Jeff out anywhere close to a mall anytime is bad enough but the week of Christmas was a whole other story. Once Stanton had picked out his “build a dog” it all became worth it. I would have payed anything to see the look on his face and how much fun he had. He ended up with a yellow lab named “powder” that is dressed up in a football uniform. He has taken such good care of Powder and currently has him asleep with some of his underwear on because he couldn’t sleep in the football suit and we didn’t buy him any pajamas. (What was I thinking?) The night was great and another very special memory.

My Grace for the Moment Book today talked about an EXTRA-ordinary night. The story is about the night that Jesus was born and how the shepherds came to find out about his birth. The devotional goes on to talk about how God continues to take the “ordianary” and make them “extra-ordinary”. Well, there are 2 men that I will not mention names because what they do is from their hearts and they would not want any special recognition, that I would like to say a HUGE thank you to. You are perfect examples of “ordinary” people that God has made EXTRA-ordinary. All you have done and continue to do for me and my family is incredible and I only wish I had the words to thank you enough. You guys know who you are.

As Christmas is steadily approaching I hope you all are taking some special time to remember the reason for the season, teaching your children the importance of giving, and spending as much time with family as possible.

Only By His Grace
Tina

I JUST WANTED TO PASTE A PORTION OF AN EMAIL THAT I RECEIVED THIS MORNING. FOR THOSE OF YOU WHO MIGHT BE INTERESTED IN A MATCHBOX SIZE DOMINO'S PIZZA CAR DESIGNED BY HAYDEN AND STANTON BUT THEY ARE NOT OFFERING THEM IN YOUR AREA THIS IS YOUR OPPORTUNITY.

Looking for a last minute stocking stuffer? Grab a miniature replica of the Domino’s Pizza #99 Chevrolet that Michael Waltrip drove in the Sam’s Town “He Dared to Rock” 250 to benefit St. Jude Busch series race this past October.

The car's special paint scheme was inspired by Stanton, a 3-year-old patient at St. Jude, and his 15-year-old brother Hayden. Waltrip himself selected the winning entry.

Domino’s is selling the Matchbox cars to raise money for St. Jude for $5. (100f the selling price is donated to St. Jude.) If you would like a car for Christmas, just e-mail both Angie Howard at howarda@dominos.com and Holly Ryan at ryanh@dominos.com no later than 5:00 p.m. Eastern on Wednesday, December 22

Monday, December 20, 2004 11:50 PM CST

UPDATE TUESDAY 8:44: I JUST WANTED TO PASTE A PORTION OF AN EMAIL THAT I RECEIVED THIS MORNING. FOR THOSE OF YOU WHO MIGHT BE INTERESTED IN A MATCHBOX SIZE DOMINO'S PIZZA CAR DESIGNED BY HAYDEN AND STANTON BUT THEY ARE NOT OFFERING THEM IN YOUR AREA THIS IS YOUR OPPORTUNITY.

Looking for a last minute stocking stuffer? Grab a miniature replica of the Domino’s Pizza #99 Chevrolet that Michael Waltrip drove in the Sam’s Town “He Dared to Rock” 250 to benefit St. Jude Busch series race this past October.

The car's special paint scheme was inspired by Stanton, a 3-year-old patient at St. Jude, and his 15-year-old brother Hayden. Waltrip himself selected the winning entry.

Domino’s is selling the Matchbox cars to raise money for St. Jude for $5. (100f the selling price is donated to St. Jude.) If you would like a car for Christmas, just e-mail both Angie Howard at howarda@dominos.com and Holly Ryan at ryanh@dominos.com no later than 5:00 p.m. Eastern on Wednesday, December 22.

First and foremost I need prayers for another very special little girl in our lives. My niece, Hollan (Jeff’s brothers little girl) was in the hospital with pneumonia. She appeared to be better and was discharged yesterday only to be readmitted last night into ICU. They are changing her antibiotics and really need to see some improvement over the next 2 days to prevent a Christmas hospital stay for her. I know all of you will get those prayers going and she will feel better soon.

Today started out with a visit from Santa to St. Jude. It was great to have all of the kids there with us and we tried to get a picture although Elynn Kate liked him much better from afar. Right after we saw Santa mom and dad headed home. What a reality check! Mom/Dad-you will never know how much it meant that you brought Christmas to us. I hated to see you go so bad today but I know you have other obligations. It was great having you here for 2 weeks mom; we will have to do it again sometime. I love you both so much. Christmas is most certainly going to be unlike any other.

Stanton still feels great and his counts are doing pretty much what we expected. He needed blood today but we bargained for an afternoon to play so we will go first thing in the morning. We will then check his counts again Thursday hopefully giving him anything he needs keeping us out of the hospital on Christmas.

We spent the rest of the afternoon playing with Jamie, Scotty, Mary Claire and Elynn Kate. We all went to eat with the Raborn’s this evening. Jamie and crew will be coming to play tomorrow for a little while before heading home. I am not even going to think about that tonight.

I want to take a minute and say a HUGE Thank You to Domino’s Pizza. I know I have said it before but I had no idea the impact of a small contest would have on our family. We feel like we have such an extended family. This week we have received many Christmas presents from several departments of the Dominos’ headquarters. We have loved them all. I wish you could have seen Stanton in his apron walking down the hall with the singing pizza man. More importantly I wish you could have seen mom’s face when we got the USA Today ad. This is something I wanted to do and is so special. Thank you guys for making this happen. Thank you Michael for signing it and remembering Stanton. He still thinks you are the greatest and when he plays race cars no one gets to be Michael Waltrips but Stanton and of course you always win. Once again, Domino’s you are incredible and have made us all feel so special.

The Raborn’s got news today that they may be ready to do Jake’s big surgery as soon as next week. Please check his website www.caringbridge.org/la/jakeowen for more details. This is another very special family to us and this will be a very difficult surgery for them.

I promised you all a devotional on “Experiencing the Power of Jesus” so here goes the first one.

1 Corinthians 12:9

“But he said to me, ‘My grace is enough for you. When you are weak, my power is made perfect in you.’ So I am very happy to brag about my weakness. Then Christ’s power can live in me.”

The story is about a woman at the point of desperation. She had suffered very much, spent all that she had, and was getting worse. She was considered unclean and was not allowed to enter the temple. After doing all that she could instead of getting better, she was getting worse. She as at her breaking point and by the time she gets to Jesus he is surrounded by people. All she wanted to do was touch him, what did she have to lose? All she has was a crazy hunch that Jesus could help.

How many times have you had nothing to give? You are hurting and all you have to give Him is your hurt. I can’t tell you how many times I have felt this way. When you felt like you have hit rock bottom, you can linger there or you can turn to God in hopes of making your way back up.

Maybe you are afraid to go to Jesus because of what others will think, or because you are scared. Maybe when you take a few steps in his direction you saw people that seemed so much better than you. They seemed so fit in their faith that you stepped back.

If any of this describes you, note that on this day the person that was commended for faith was not a wealthy giver, a loyal follower, an acclaimed teacher. It was a shame struck, penniless outcast who clutched onto her hunch that he could and her hope that he would.

A good definition of faith-“A conviction that he can and a hope that he will. The definition of faith in the Bible can be found in Hebrews 11:6 “Without faith no one can please God. Anyone who comes to God must believe that he is real and that he rewards those who truly want to find him.”

Faith is not the belief that God will do what you want but belief that God what will do what is right. I think for those of us in situations similar to ours that this is a very difficult concept for all of us to grasp and finally accept. “The greater your cares, the more genuine your prayers” How true is this in your prayer life???? God’s help is near and always available, but is only given to those who seek it.

A quote from “Walking with the Savior”. “If you are beginning to wonder where the power of God is in your life, BE PATIENT!. God is using today’s difficulties to strengthen your tomorrow. He is equipping you. The God who makes things grow will help you bear fruit.

Dwell on the fact that God lives within you. Think about the power that gives you life. The realization that God is dwelling within you may change the places you want you want to go and the things that you want to do today.”

I know I have written on this topic before but obviously it was something that God needed me to hear again. My prayers always consist of God’s will being done, but that I may also have the strength to handle this will.

Please continue to keep our friend Dillon in your prayers. They have talked to hospice and this is a very difficult time for his family.

Emma Grace seems to be trying to climb the mountain. She still feels pretty miserable but maybe a little better each day. Her neighbor in the hospital, Allie is also slowly continuing to improve. I know Nancy, Allie’s mom has been such a great support for Trish. Thanks Nancy for filling in when I haven’t been able to be there.

Thank you as usual for the continued support and prayers. We love you!

Honored to have His power
Tina

Sunday, December 19, 2004 9:37 PM CST

Well, we didn’t make it through the weekend without needing platelets. Stanton’s nose bled just a little last night before going to bed so we decided to wait and see how things went this morning. Well, after he got up his nose bled a little more and we noticed some petichiea (sign of low platelets) around his eyes so we decided to go on and have them checked before Mary Claire and Elynn Kate got here. They were 10 so Jeff, Hayden and Stanton spent several hours at the hospital getting platelets. Once again, pretty much on schedule.

The gang arrived around 1:00 just in time for lunch which was provided by Calvary Baptist Church here in Memphis. I just love to see the girls expressions when they get here though I think they were disappointed Stanton was not here but there were lots of hugs when he did get back.

We unloaded the cars and rooms and had Christmas down in the common living area around a Christmas tree. Stanton was sooooo excited. First of all anything he opened you couldn’t look at until he had all of the paper off. He got so many things that “he always wanted”. Definitely a Christmas to remember. Mom and Dad as usual did way too much for all of us. Mary Claire had me a special sign made which is sitting on the desk. Mrs. Claire thank you for helping them with this. I love it.

Frank Morris and his family came in tonight and served pizza. It was a great time of food and fellowship. The kids again were spoiled by presents from our church.

This will be the part of the journal for poor pitiful me so for those of you who don’t want to read any further I won’t be offended. I know I have been gearing myself up for Christmas away from home for several weeks now and I thought I was doing good. That would be today I guess when reality set in. As we were opening presents I was so thankful that I have a family that was willing to come all the way to Memphis not to mention bring a surburban full of gifts but I also realized how different things were really going to be. I know I have so much to be thankful for and that it could be so much worse so I try to pick up the pieces and be strong.

Mom, Dad, Scotty, Jamie, Mary Claire, and Elynn Kate-thank you all for coming to share a very special day with us. It is one that will never be forgotten. I love you all so much and will be with you Christmas morning with all of my heart.

Crawling into His lap tonight
Tina

Saturday, December 18, 2004 10:50 PM CST

I think I have lived here to long when I begin to feel like I should be contributing some of my time during special functions (although those of you who know me know I like to have my hands in everything). I think Sherry was half joking when she told me I could come help her at 7:00 this morning but boy was she surprised when I showed up at her door. Today was a big day here at the house. Santa came for brunch and all of the volunteers, staff and their families were invited. Santa came with his reindeer ruldoph. A mule dressed up like Santa and Ronald McDonald himself. Well, as usual Stanton showed out just a little but he had a great time. I have never been here before for this but it looked like they had a good turnout. Thanks to everyone who made this possible.

We spent the rest of the day just hanging out with Granma and Weinie. Stanton just loves it when he has new playmates.

We got to see a dear friend, Ms. Billie (You may remember me mentioning her son Dusty going to live with Jesus this past summer). She came with her church and some of Dusty;s best friends to bring gift bags to all of the kids. Billie-I know today was not easy but you will always be considered a part of our family. We love you!

Jeff got a chance to sneak over and see Emma Grace. I think she woke up a minute to talk to him. Her ANC was 400 today which means she seems to be right on target. If she can get those cells to start growing some of the other problems will correct themselves. We also got a chance to love on Mr. Barney for a short while as he stopped in to get some clothes to go see his mother. His step-father’s memorial service is tomorrow so please just continue to lift this family in prayer.

I started a new chapter in “Experiencing the Heart of Jesus” tonight and it is called “Experiencing the Power of Jesus” I am so excited about this chapter I am sure I will be sharing much but just wanted to give you the inro as I have something else to share tonight. “Throughout this chapter we will be reading about the moments when Christ met people at their points of pain. We will see the prophecy prove to come true.” Can you tell why I am so excited.

Anyway, someone shared this special email with me and I had to pass it on. I loved it.

The Holy Alphabet:

Although things are not perfect
Because of trial or pain
Continue in thanksgiving
Do not begin to blame
Even when the times are hard
Fierce winds are bound to blow
God is forever able
Hold on to what you know
Imagine life without His love
J oy would cease to be
Keep thanking Him for all the things
Love imparts to thee
Move out of "Camp Complaining"
No weapon that is known
On earth can yield the power
Praise can do alone
Quit looking at the future
Redeem the time at hand
Start every day with worship
To "thank" is a command
Until we see Him coming
Victorious in the sky
We'll run the race with gratitude
X alting God most high
Y es, there'll be good times and yes some will be bad, but...
Z ion waits in glory...where none are ever sad!

Jamie, Scotty, Mary Claire and Elynn Kate will be coming tomorrow and we will be having Christmas tomorrow afternoon. We are all excited to be here together. Although Christmas will be very different I think it will be one of the most memorable ever.

Only By His Grace
Tina

There is a great article in the "Minute Magazine" in Minden about Stanton, Emilie and our annual St. Jude auction. If you get a chance pick up one and read it.

Friday, December 17, 2004 10:56 PM CST

I am really not even sure how to begin this journal. Today has been filled with so many emotions from high to low.

Mom and I got up this morning and started trying to get the room picked up. Actually I went down to the store at the RMH. I told them I had always wanted to go shopping in my pajama and today was my opportunity. By the time I got back to the room Stanton was awake but he was not ready to go shopping. It took him helping Granma wrap presents to get him in the mood. The catch was, he was going shopping by himself, taking his own bugs bunny wrapping paper, and wrapping his own gifts. I can’t wait to see what he got but I know the volunteers had a great time with him. He really is a character.

It was not long after this that we received the call from Trish telling us that Barney’s step-father had been killed in a car accident. I have only met his step-father once but I cannot tell you the sick feeling I got in the pit of my stomach. The Hampton’s have become our family in every sense of the word. Barney-I wish I had the words to comfort you. I know this is hard and very difficult timing for you. You are an extraordinary man who we love dearly. Our hearts are with you and we are here if you need anything. Trish-I just wish I could take away some of your pain. It seems like you have been dealt more heartache than anyone person should have to endure yet you still remain so strong and so faithful and this strength and faithfulness is felt by all who know you. I am so glad we got to spend some quiet TNT time while Emma Grace slept today. I know it did me a lot of good, I hoped it did you to. I love you and am here as you already know.

My dad showed up this afternoon which we all enjoyed, but I don’t know if anyone was as excited as Stanton. I am so glad they had some good “weenie” time. This also brought mixed emotions because I was so glad to see him but I also know when he goes so does mom. These past 2 weeks have been great and some that I will never forget. Thanks again mom for everything. I told daddy I was going to pray for snow so he couldn’t go home. He didn’t think this was to funny.

Jeff and Hayden got here about 8:30 tonight and I don’t think Stanton has stopped talking yet. It is going to be a great week.

I also want to take a minute and thank everyone who has sent cards and gifts over the last few weeks. Stanton loves to get packages in the mail and I am in awe of everyone who has done something to make his Christmas special. I cannot even begin to list everyone for fear that I will forget someone but I wish you could all see his face each and everytime he opens something. He usually says “Look it is what I have always wanted”. Needless to say it always brings a smile to moms face as well. Thank you all!!!!!!!

I have pondered over my devotional for tonight as there were a couple that were so fitting but the one from “Grace for the Moment” won out. It was actually the one for yesterday but I am going to share. It is called “Words of Promise”.

Isaiah 9:6

God has given a son to us…His name will be Wonderful Counselor, Powerful God…Prince of Peace.

“If our greatest need had been information, God would have sent an educator. If our greatest need had been technology, God would have sent us a scientist. If our greatest need had been money, God would have sent us an economist. But since our greatest need was forgiveness, ‘God sent us a Savior’” (Roy Lessin)

“He became like us, so we could become like him.
Angels still sing and the star still beckons.
He loves each one of us like there was only one of us to love.”

I have spent so many moments during this Christmas season thinking of how God sent His son to earth for me and how this is the best gift we could ever receive. I encourage you as always to take a moment each day in quiet time with God and thinking about how this very special gift has changed your life. I know that it is something that I could never thank Him enough for.

Honored to be loved by Him
Tina

Thursday, December 16, 2004 11:14 PM CST

UPDATE FRIDAY: I wanted to put out a plea for prayer for a very special family to us. Barney's (Emma Grace's dad)step-father was killed in a car accident this morning. His mother was also in the accident and in the hospital. Barney will be heading to Hot Springs (??) to be with her as soon as he can get his truck unloaded. As you all know Emma Grace is on the 4th floor after transplant so this is already a very difficult time for this family. Please say special prayers for Barney, his mom and Trish as it is so hard for her not to be able to comfort Barney.

Sorry this is a little later than usual but Stanton decided at 10:30 he wanted a corn dog so guess where we have been?

I know I have used the word humbled many times over the last few days but I really can’t think of any other word to describe how I feel most of the time these days.

This morning started off with a shopping trip, this was no ordinary shopping trip. The Ronald McDonald House has a store for parents that we get a chance for 5 days to go in and pick out one present for each of children. These toys are from many generous donations from the Memphis community and so many others. I really wasn’t sure what to expect, but it was not what I saw when I walked in the day room this morning. I stood there for a minute trying to hold back tears. The room was packed wall to wall with toys for kids of all ages. During the Christmas season (not only then, but we beef it up around this time) we have always made it a very important part of Hayden and Stanton’s life to give to those less fortunate than us. We have always realized our blessings and thought it important to teach our kids the same. Never dreaming that we would some day be on the receiving end of someone else’s generosity. We are still very fortunate that Stanton and Hayden will have a great Christmas this year although things have been a little different financial wise. I also realize that some of these children will be receiving only what the RMH gives them and reminding me that we are so blessed. I cannot thank each and every one of you who donated to this store enough; you are truly making a difference. To the volunteers who are manning these stores-thank you as well for giving up your time to make things much easier on us.

One other special thing that they have is a store for the kids to go in for 5 days and pick out a present for each parent. Parents are not allowed to help; they have volunteers who are manning the store, although Granma got to help today and tomorrow. Stanton was so proud of his gifts. Jeff and I are always taken care of (really spoiled) during the holidays by both of our parents but this year it was pretty hard to come up with ideas. What we really want can’t be bought. I cannot wait to open the presents picked out by my children and how special it will be. It will most certainly be a Christmas to remember.

After we got our shopping out of the way we headed to the hospital for lab work. His platelets stayed the same so we are just going to watch him over the weekend. We will take him in if we feel like they are dropping even more. I also got my flu shot which Stanton enjoyed watching, but he told me I was a big girl.

From here we went to speak to a group of Rite Aide managers from the Memphis area that had done a fundraiser during the month of October. I truly love sharing our story and I hope they enjoyed it as much as I enjoyed giving it. Stanton was a little better than Tuesday but not much. We had to remind him that he really is sick. Once again, we are blessed that he feels so good. Thank you Rite Aide for the money raised for such a fabulous cause.

We spent the afternoon letting mom finish up some Christmas shopping. I guess when I asked her to come stay that I didn’t think about what a hard time of the year it would be for her to be gone. Once again mom thank you!!!

A church called River of Life provided supper tonight. They had blankets for each of the kids and a special gift for each of the moms. They then had a blessed time in the meditation room singing Christmas carols and reading the Christmas story. Thank you to all of you for giving your time for us.

Stanton is very ready to see his daddy as am I. I have to say he really has been a trooper this week. Mom and I have really enjoyed some very special time with him.

My devotional for tonight is from James 1:2-4-This has become one of my favorite scriptures although I must admit I had to read it over and over to truly “get it”.

Just because we are Christians and filled with the Holy Spirit does not mean that we will not have difficulties or face trials. One thing that is found in the Spirit filled person is that they are not controlled by the circumstances. When the Spirit is in charge, then our attitudes will not be determined by what is going on around us.

One statement that hit home with me (especially after at one point today mom had to remind me that maybe I needed some quiet time). “If the Spirit is in charge we will learn to: love when we want to hate; practice kindness when we are accused; give a gentle response when others are harsh; and have self-control when temptation strikes is hard.”

It is comforting to know that God knows that we are not perfect, he know that we can’t be while here in our temporary home but that as a Christian, God is always available even when we have failed Him. We must just go to Him and ask for forgiveness and the strength to not make the same mistake twice.

Special prayer requests: Emma Grace is still on the 4th floor, some days feeling better than others. Just needing momma Trish’s cells to take hold and start engrafting. They will be spending Christmas in the hospital which will not be fun but they are making the best of it.

Jake met with the surgeon today and they are going to try to find a doctor which will do the liver surgery as it is going to be a BIG surgery.

Dylan is the little boy I told you about last night.. He and his mom met with hospice today. They are praying for a miracle at this point.

Thank you again for your continued support on our journey.

Filled with the Spirit
Tina

Wednesday, December 15, 2004 10:35 PM CST

We had a good day today. Many memories were made. First of all we went to the hospital for lab work. Before we went to assessment triage we went to see Emma Grace. She is still feeling pretty crummy but looked a little better. Santa’s elves were also at the hospital today. They were so cute. Stanton enjoyed visiting with them but he refused a picture. As expected his platelets have dropped and he will be getting platelets tomorrow.

When we got back to RMH he and Granma made Christmas cookies. I got the entire ordeal on video and it is so cute! Stanton had a great time and I know these are memories that will be remembered by all. When they were done he shared with the entire staff at the house. Mr. Tim even got a hug which is a BIG deal for Stanton.

We have had such a great 2 weeks with Granma. I don’t think people understand that when there is more than one person around Stanton has to share his love but when it is one on one if you are that lucky person you get some very special attention. Mom has always been the one that has come whenever I called. Stanton has not always been nice to her and sometimes I know she feels more like the maid but I can never repay her for the peace of mind that she has offered me and Jeff. I know these 2 weeks were not the ideal time for her to be away from work and home but she never even hesitated to drop everything and come. I hope we have had made it worth her while. Thank you mom for dropping everything to come be with us during this special time. We love you!!!!!!!!!

This devotional is from the same chapter as Monday night but it was so long and powerful I decided to split into 2 entries:

“Who can accuse the people God has chosen? No one, because God is the One who makes them right. Who can say God’s people are guilty? No one because Christ Jesus died, but he was also raised from the dead, and now is on God’s right side begging God for us.” Romans 8:33-34.

During your life there is an accuser noticing every error, every sin. Neglect your priorities and he will jot it down. Abandon your promises and he will make a note. Try to forget your past and he will remind you. This expert witness has no higher goal than to take you to court and press charges. His name-Satan.

Can’t you just imagine him pacing before God pointing out all of your faults? He reminds God of all of the times you didn’t have time for him, for every act of sin you have ever committed. As he does this all you can say is “I am guilty” Satan wants punishment. God’s response: “The wages of sin is death but in this case the death has already occurred. For this one died with Christ.” Satan cannot accuse you. No one can accuse you.

The last question asked in this chapter is “How long will God love you?” “Can anything separate us from the love Christ has for us?”

“You wonder how long my love will last? Find your answer on a splintered cross on a craggy hill. That’s me you see up there, your maker, your God, nail-stabbed and bleeding. Covered in spit and sin-soaked. That’s your sin I am feeling. That’s your death I’m dying. That’s your resurrection I’m living. That’s how much I love you.”

This is a love that is uncomprehendable to us on this earth. I spend many moments a day thinking about Christmas and the true meaning. Under the circumstances I have been given much time to remember the real reason for the season. God getting my attention? Yes!

We have had several friends get not good news this week and others that have lost their precious babies. I know that we have a whole new outlook on things after the last 2 years, but I cannot express to everyone reading this to cherish every moment. There are parents here who know this will be their last Christmas with their child. There will be parents to come who will not know until after the fact that this was the last Christmas. So please take nothing for granted. Take time to make the memories. Instill in your children the real meaning of the season.

We have one more day until Jeff and Hayden are coming. I don’t know who is more excited Stanton or me. We will also have some family coming up later in the weekend for Christmas. We are going to spread the cheer for about 2 weeks.

Thank you all for the guest book entries. Your continued support during this long journey is amazing and does not go unnoticed. We love you all!!!!

Humbled beyond words
Tina

Tuesday, December 14, 2004 10:20 PM CST

Good evening all! First I must say it has been great to hear from you all. It means the world to us to hear from our prayer warriors.

We started the day speaking to a group of Up Til Dawn students from LSU. Of course Stanton went decked out in his LSU attire which they all loved. My once shy little child has gotten so accustomed to mom speaking that he went in and made himself at home. He was running around making it very difficult for me to stay on track but the kids were great. They just went right along with him. Thank you all for your time that you give up to raise money for such a wonderful cause. Anna-sorry your first experience with us Stanton wasn't his best but I hate to apologize for him feeling good.

After this we got a chance to go see Emma Grace. We had gotten permission for Stanton to stand in the parent room and talk to her on the intercom. Boy did it do me some good to see her smile when she saw him. She is just really feeling yucky which is to be expected but still hard to see. I just wish that I could be there for them more.

We then once again attempted to Christmas shop. Stanton actually did pretty good although he wants everything for Christmas. We were at a small outlet mall and when we were leaving we realized that "silkie" was no where to be found. Well, for those of you who know Stanton you will know what a BIG deal this is. We retracked everywhere we were to no avail. Stanton kept giving us this big long story about where it was but we didn't find it. He made sure to tell me that it was my fault. Needless to say, I was heartbroken because this is his comfort. I tried so hard not to have a complete meltdown and will see how he does tonight. We have spares but they are not the same.

All in all the rest of the day went pretty well. He can be so sweet when he wants to be. Thanks to Mrs. Marcy and her Brownie troop I was able to get some much needed shopping at Target. Girls-what you did for us was amazing and I promise you that Stanton and Hayden's Christmas will be so much better because of what you did.

We got back to RMH and Jake was home from the hospital. Stanton immediately made himself at home in their room. And yes, Jeff I fixed Don a coke with ice. We are so glad to have some of our neighbors back home.

I also opened my email tonight to see my dearest friends meeting their new children for the first time. Angela and Bill-I could tell by the looks on Heather and Zack's faces that they loved you. I couldn't be happier, just wish I was there with you. These are 2 of the luckiest kids that I know.

I have another special family I want you to add to your prayer list. I won't go into a lot of detail until later but his name is Dillon and his mom is Cindy. Please just pray for peace for both of them in the days to come.

As each day passes it is one day closer to Jeff and Hayden coming up and I can't wait! I miss you guys so much!!!!!!

I also have another special prayer request. My daddy's brother has been diagnosed with Lou Gehrig's disease. I know he has been in a lot of pain and this has been difficult on him and his family.

Thank you again for all of your support and prayers for not only Stanton but all of his friends. We love you!

On My Knees
Tina

Monday, December 13, 2004 10:45 PM CST

All I can say is that I wish I had the energy that Stanton has. This in itself is such a blessing as there are so many children here who don’t feel the greatest. Stanton has definitely kept us all entertained today from drawing us a Dora map to get to the hospital this morning to do magic tricks for Dr. Furman. I have to say the highlight of the day is when he decided Grandma needed to be the bull and he was going to be the cowboy. Don’t worry everyone, this is not something I missed with the video camera. Now that everyone is gone Granma is getting some much needed one on one time and he has been so sweet today.

As expected his platelets are starting to plummet, in fact they were 34 which means we will probably be getting platelets on Wed. Other than that the doctor said he looked great! Again, we thank God daily for him feeling so good. Although it does make it easy to forget just how sick he is. He has really been talking a lot lately about not wanting to be “special” (we told him his magic lines make him special) and he just wants to be able to go swimming. Tonight when I was changing his dressing he said “I really wish God would have made me like I wanted without these magic lines”. Well, I will say some tears flowed as I am learning just how much he understands. There are so many things that he knows that a 3 year old should have no idea but he is incredible. He made a comment about being a hero and all I could say is you are certainly mommy’s HERO!

We had a great group from the Hilton Hotel Network Engineers come tonight and cook soup and cheese toast. It was a perfect meal for the cold weather and enjoyed by all. Thank you so much for this special treat tonight.

I also had a very powerful devotional during quiet time today. As I continue to get into the Christmas spirit and I can honestly say my Christmas spirit this year is unlike any other, I continued to be completely humbled at all the God has done for me and how really undeserving I really am. Tonight’s lesson was the last on Experiencing the Love of Jesus and contained several questions that I know we all ask at one time or another. First of all there is really no way that we can completely understand the depth of God’s love for us. But that doesn’t stop him from loving us. I have been lucky enough to have felt the unconditional love of my parents and the sacrificial love of a wonderful husband and I believe these 2 kinds of love teach me a little about God’s love for me. I don’t want to type the entire scripture but Romans 8:31-39 is awesome.

One of the questions that is addressed in this chapter is “If God loves us who can be against us?” GOD IS FOR US! What a statement. These next paragraphs will be a direct quote as I want you to get the full impact.

“God is for you. Not “maybe”, not “has been”, not “was”, not “would be”, but “God is!” He is here for you. Today. At this hour. At this minute. As you read this sentence. No need to wait in line or come back tomorrow. He is with you. He could not be closer than He is at this second. His loyalty won’t increase if you are better nor lesson if you are worse. He is for you.

God is for you. Turn to the sideline; that is God cheering you run. Look past the finish line; that is God applauding your steps. Listen for him in the bleachers, shouting your name. Too tired to continue? He’ll carry you. Too discouraged to fight? He’s picking you up. God is for you.

God is for you. Had he a calendar, your birthday would be circled. If he drove a car, your name would be on his bumper. If there’s a tree in heaven, he’s carved your name in the bark. We know He has a tattoo, and we know what it says. ‘I have written your name on my hand’ he declares. (Is. 49:16)

Another question: Would He who gave His son not meet our needs? Would He teach you to walk just to watch you fall? Would He be nailed to the Cross for your sins and then disregard your prayers? “He has put angels in charge to watch over you wherever you go” (Psalm 91:11)

I think you will all see why I liked this chapter so much. Each day we are faced with challenges. We have chosen to travel this journey with a positive attitude and with a purpose. We are only able to do this with the grace that God provides for us. Again, when I think of all God has done for me and what I have done for God there is no comparison. I have often wondered how He could continue to love me but I know through His word and His promises that He does and He will never leave me. I know that when I don’t think I can go anymore that He will carry me until I am strong again. I also know that there will be a day when I will stand before Him and there was a time in my life when I don’t know how I would have felt standing in front of my Heavenly Father. I know now that I will stand before Him proudly but humbled greatly.

I know that many of you are checking on us daily, in fact I had many comments when I missed a day last week but I have not had many people sign the guest book. I know you may not know what to say but just a note to let us know who and where are prayer warriors are mean so much especially after a long day.

I wish you all the best holiday season ever while not forgetting to stop and thank God for the real reason for the season.

GOD IS FOR ME!
Tina

Sunday, December 12, 2004 9:17 PM CST

I hope everyone has had a great Sunday! Ours was a hard one. You all know how we hate goodbyes and we drove to Little Rock today to meet Jamie and Scotty to take Mary Claire home. We had a great visit and then lunch but then it was time for them to go. It breaks my heart to see Stanton say good-bye. He is used to it but to hear him say "I am going to miss you Mary Claire" will never be easy. Jamie/Scotty-thank you for sharing Mary Claire with us this week. We had a great week with great memories. Mary Claire-I love you more than my arms can reach and I am so glad you got to spend some time in Memphis with us.

Since we have been home Granma has been Stanton's new best friend. I don't think she minds.

I have heard that the Christmas musical at church was AWESOME!!!! I can't wait to see the video (hint hint Todd). I know that so much hard work went into the production so thank you to all of you.

I am not feeling great so you will get by with a short journal tonight. Thank you all for your continued support and prayers.

Standing in the Light
Tina

This is the message we have heard from him and declare to you: God is light; in Him there is no darkness at all.

1 John 1:5

Saturday, December 11, 2004 11:07 PM CST

We had another busy day at the RMH. I really can’t tell you al that they do to make this time of year special for the kids. First of all ALSAC brought brunch which was wonderful. They also brought some very special visitors, some of the Memphis Tiger soccer players. Stanton and Mary Claire really enjoyed visiting with them and making arts and crafts. Thanks guys for making the kids feel so special. Thanks ALSAC for the great brunch!

After this Mr. Ron from Snap on Tools came by with a very special delivery to the RMH. If you remember this is a very special family we met at the Memphis race that helped to make Hayden’s birthday so special. He brought in enough DVD/VCR combos for each room of the RMH to have one and toys for the kids. Stanton actually cooperated and got his picture made, well it actually took a little bribing but whatever. Mr. Ron-thank you from the bottom of our hearts from us as well as all of the families at the house for such a generous gift.

Then this afternoon our favorite Lauren King Ministries came. They brought presents for each child and sibling in the house and even included Mary Claire. The gifts were specific to the children and I know a lot of work went into this project. We also had a wonderful supper as always and a very special meditation time. I am always disappointed and a little heartbroken to see so many of the families leave after supper and not stay for this special time and tonight was no exception. It ended up being a very emotional time as there were a couple of new families and we all remember what being a new family is all about.

What Larron talked about tonight is something that has been on my heart for a while but just could not put it into words so I am going to give it a shot and if I ramble I am sorry but I hope you get the point. Christmas-what does this mean to you? Shopping, parties, presents, stress, etc.????? I have to admit that when I am at home during this time of the year I tend to lose sight of the real meaning. Don’t get me wrong, I am very blessed to have grown up in a Christian home and have always known Christmas as being Jesus’ birthday but really never put a lot of thought into it. I have taught my children why we celebrate Christmas and that giving is much better than receiving but have I taught them what is most important. When you think about it God sent His only son to be born to an ordinary man and woman. He was born in a stable. God had the power to have him given the best of the best and from the very beginning He chose not to do this. He chose to send His son to live a life of an everyday person, although because of who he was he faced many problems that the everyday person didn’t have to face. He was betrayed by those that were closest to him, denied by his best friends and ultimately hung nailed to a cross so that we could all spend eternity in heaven. DO YOU REALLY UNDERSTAND THE IMPACT OF ALL OF THIS ON YOUR LIFE? So when I think of the birth of baby Jesus these days I think a little deeper than just the baby in the manger.

I know being away from home is not what I would have chosen for us for Christmas but once again I see God’s plan for me in all of this. This is a lesson that I needed deeply embedded in my heart and He has gotten the point across. If all God gives me is His grace than it is SUFFICIENT!!!!!

Larron/Anita-I wish I could really tell you guys how much I love you and all that you do for us families. I truly look forward to your visit each month and consider you part of our family. I can only hope that after all is said and done I can stand before a group of people and be as strong as you are Larron. Your suffering was definitely not in vain. We love you and hope you have a very Merry Christmas. Shelia-I know tonight touched you in a very special way. You once again sang one of my very favorite Christmas songs. You also have become such a part of our family. We love you so much.

The song she sang is titled “Mary Did You Know?” If you have never heard it I encourage you to listen to it. It asks Mary if she knew that her son would one day walk on water, cause the blind to see, would save our sons and daughters and my favorite sentence “Mary did you know when you kissed your baby boy that you kissed the face of God?” Thank you God for sending your son so that we all may one day meet again in heaven to live eternally.

My sister Trish often says “God, I am ready, if you want to come on now and get us all now is a great time” I of course always agree because I know when God comes all of the people that I love the most will be headed to heaven with me. But I also know that God will come when He is ready and that His plan is that noone be left behind and it is our job to make sure that everyone has the opportunity to know Him just as we do so I ask you tonight, If God shows up tomorrow will you be going with him? If not I encourage you to talk to a pastor or someone you know that will tell you how to make that trip with Him. My ears are always open.

Completely Humbled
Tina

Friday, December 10, 2004 10:06 PM CST

Good evening everyone, I hope everyone had a blessed day. I know we did.

We slept in, which is getting to be a habit even for Granma. The kids then played until it was time to go to the Target sponsered wich list party at the hospital. Each child is given a treat bag with a shirt, and a hat. They then got to chose a book from the book table and then to the big deal, they got to go to their age group and choose a present. Stanton had a hard time between the horses and the SpongeBob Boat race track but the horses won out. They then got a chance to do crafts. Target is such a HUGE supporter of St. Jude and the kids and nothing they do is done anything but the best. We then went to get a bite to eat and decided to bribe the kids that if they were good we would make Christmas cookies. Mary Claire was good, and Stanton was not as bad as he could have been os after dinner we headed to Kroger to buy cookies to make. Well, being the domestic goddess I am not (I wouldn't exactly call mom a domestic goddess either)I automatically assumed slice and bake would be good. Stanton had other ideas, he wanted to make gingerbread man cookies and decorate them. Okay, a little more than I had bargained for but I am determined that this Christmas is for him and I will do anything to make it special. Well this was also easier said than done because we could not find cookie cutters. After 4 stops Granma found what we needed. It will be lots of fun to see how these cookies turn out. I will keep you posted.

When we got back to RMH a group of kids from Bolten High School were coming to do crafts with the kids. It was not too long ago that this group was here and Stanton fell in love with Annie and she with him. She had been emailing him and we knew she was coming so he couldn't wait. She and her friend Deanna actually came a little early to get some Stanton time in. He had a blast. Thank you to all of the teenagers who came and gave up their Friday evening to make the kids feel special.

As you can tell the RMH is very busy this time of year. They do a great job at making a very difficult time on the families as much fun as possible. I hate we have to be here during the holidays but in an eery way it feels like we are home.

On a very sad note another neuroblastoma warrior earned his angel wings last night. Aaron Hunter was a great kid who fought a long and hard battle. I know this is very difficult on his family but they know he is playing with all of his St. Jude buddies. Aaron-we love you and know you are so happy and feel GREAT!

This brings me to a subject that is so hard. As I thought and prayed for Marilyn (Aaron's mother) today I had to wonder if she realized that last Christmas would be her last with Aaron. I think as a parent of a child with cancer this is a thought that is never far from your mind. Is this the last birthday, Christmas, etc.? It is a hard thought but one that each day as we see one of our children earn their wings one that I can't help but think. Then I realize that this is not just about kids with cancer or critical illnesses, this is about everyone. As I remind you often, not one of us is guaranteed a tomorrow. Use this holiday season to make a lasting impression on your family. Spend a little extra time with them. It may mean skipping a party or something that seems important now, but I promise won't seem near as important if there is no next season.

I got a book for Trish and I before they went into the hospital called "The Best Christmas Ever". I am determined that no matter what the circumstances we will have the best Christmas ever. This book has poems and verses to remind us why we celebrate this very special holiday and I want to share one of the poems with you.

Love found a way
To Have its say
Love found a place
To show its face
Love found a town
And love came down.

Twas Bethlehem long ago
Where God came to show
Who we are and what we're worth,
To give joy and bring mirth
With us to dwell and to live,
Foreverto hold, to lift and to give.

Lorine Watson

Soaking up Every Minute
Tina

Thursday, December 9, 2004 10:06 PM CST

UPDATE Friday morning: With sadness I want to let you all know of another one of our precious neuroblastoma warriors winning his battle and earning his angel wings. Aaron Hunter www.caringbridge.org/il/aarondhunter passed away last night. Please stop by and offer condolences to his mother. The words mean so much!

Well, we managed to get everyone up and to the hospital in time for our appointments this morning. Sandy looked at Stanton again and he now has fluid behind each ear. This in conjunction with the runny nose they decided to start him on an antibiotic to prevent and infection. They are expecting his counts to drop next week and we want to stop an infection before it starts. Today his counts looked good, his platelets dropped a good bit but we are probably about a week from needing a transfusion. All in all he continues to feel great.

We once again attempted to take the Christmas shopping with the bribe that they could see Santa and ride the carousel if they were good. Really didn’t work but they got to do both anyway. They were good with Santa and we got a very cute picture. Stanton just loved on Santa and told him he wanted 3 things, not what those were, just 3 things. He has informed me that Santa only brings BIG toys not little ones. I guess he will soon learn.

Stanton also received a special gift from the Garrett’s today. Floyd-it is bad when a dentist gives a kid candy that has already told you he will not brush his teeth because he likes the happy gas (Ha Ha)! Thank you all, Floyd, Donna, Ashley and Tyler for being such a special part in our life.

At the Ronald McDonald House tonight we had a Christmas party sponsored by the Insurance Professionals of Memphis. This was a really neat party. Santa showed up to take pictures and each child had a gift to open. I can’t tell you how much it means for all of these people to give up their time to help make our Christmas special. The kids had a great time. Speaking of kids I want to give a few updates:

Emma Grace got her first transfusion of Trish’s cells this evening. Yes, this means that she is officially in the process of becoming a little Trish. I am such a lucky person. Please continue to pray that Emma Grace will engraft with these new cells with no complications.

Ben had his 6 week post Philly scans and the MIBG showed NO SPOTS!!!!! They are now trying to determine the next step to keep the beast gone.

Jake will be having his 2nd lung surgery tomorrow at 10:30 so special prayers that the surgeons will be able to remove all of the cancer. www.caringbridge.org/la/jakeowen. His prayer warriors really jumped in and helped us through our last crisis with many guestbook entries so please go tell them that you are praying for them.

Christal is now officially a big sister. Kylie Hope was welcomed into the world today. As far as I know things went well.

Now that I have shared all of that with you I want to share my email devotional I got today called “Remaining In The Vine”. This devotional came from the 15th chapter of John.

Branches do not produce good fruit on their own. Their role is to remain connected to the vine and allow its sap to run through them to produce fruit. “Abide in Me” is a statement Jesus says many times in Chapter 15 on His teaching on the vine and the branches. In this chapter He makes it clear what our part is and what His part is in setting priorities and making decisions. It is not up to us to make the plans; the spirit of Jesus drives us.

After we have surrendered all and accepted our place as a branch in the vine we must practice faith, trust and obedience to remain there. Faith will keep us focused on Him, our trust will strengthen our relationship with Him and our obedience will help us remain close to Him.

God has a purpose for all of His “branches”, which is to produce great amounts of spiritual fruit which cannot happen if we do not stay connected to the vine and allow His love to flow through us.

To make us more productive God will bring out His pruning knife and remove from us whatever is not bearing fruit. Our salvation is secure in Him, but everything else is subject to pruning.

John 15:5

I am the vine, you are the branches. He who abides in Me and I in Him bears much fruit; for without Me you can do nothing.

John 15:7

If you abide in Me and My words abide in you, you will ask what you desire and it shall be done for you.

I just loved this devotional. It was such a reminder that we are nothing without God. I cannot even begin to imagine living day to day without knowing that I was connected to the vine.

Steadily being pruned
Tina

I want everyone at home to know that the choir at our church is putting on a Christmas musical called “The cradle that rocked the world”. I know so many people have put a lot of time into this and I am sure it is going to be AWESOME!!! There will be video footage of Stanton in it so I encourage everyone that can go, go and see what a great show it is going to be.

For those of you in the choir, I hope you were pleased with our story, it came straight from the heart. After I did it I could not believe I had given Todd permission to splice video of me. I hope it does not come back to haunt me. Just kidding Todd, you know I love you.

Wednesday, December 8, 2004 10:15 PM CST

Okay journal number 2 for today. We had a good day today. We decided to stay around the house today and give the kids a chance to play and play they did. Overall they are being pretty good with just a few meltsdowns, in fact at one time I wondered what had happened to my child, I told him to do something and he actually did it.

I got up this morning to go check on 2 of my favorite girls in the entire world, Trish and Emma Grace. I was relieived to see Trish sleeping during her pharesis. She woke up for a minute to see I was sitting there and then I encouraged her to go back to sleep. I think things went well with that and she will be doing it again tomorrow. When I got upstairs to see Emma Grace she also was asleep and from what I understand that is what she needed most. She has felt pretty bad with the side effects from the chemo. My comment to Trish and Barney is that they should be coming to the bottom of the valley and climbing the mountain shortly. Barney updated their website and it is AWESOME so I encourage you to go by and read it. www.caringbridge.org/ar/emmagrace.

Jake and his family should be back late tonight or tomorrow. Jake will be having surgery on Friday on his other lung so extra prayers needed for them.

Chris, Christal's mom will ba having her baby tomorrow. I think she is having a c-section so prayers for this family. Christal is very excited but when they were here last time she politely told me she hoped her baby was calmer than Stanton.

I have a verse that I want to share tonight and it is more for Trish than anything. It is the verse in my bible for tomorrow and I thought it was pretty appropriate.

1 Peter 4:12-13

"Dear friends, don't be bewildered or surprised when you go through fiery trial ahead, for this is no strange, unusual thing that is going to happen to you. Instead, be really glad-because these trials will make you partners with Christ in His suffering, and afterwards you will have the wonderful joy of sharing His glory in that coming day when it will be displayed."

Trish-I don't know if I have told you lately how much you mean to me and how much I admire what you do and how you handle it all with such a great attitude. You are too often the "sunshine" of my days. I love you!!!!

I know and have many journals on how the trials and tribulations build us into the people that God wants us to be. As a parent of a sick child it is easy to wish that our character is where he wants it so that our kids could get a little slack but we also have to remain strong in our faith and pass this along to our children. I am always so proud when Stanton sits down and tells me his version of a bible story and they are usually pretty accurate. My favorite are Jonah and the Whale and the story of Adam and Eve.

Christlike character in the works
Tina

Wednesday, December 8, 2004 11:34 AM CST

I know you are all wondering what happened to me last night. I actually journaled and was waiting on caring bridge to finish their maintenance. I waited until 11:00 then called it a night. So you will all be happy to hear you will be getting 2 entries today. So here is last nights:

Today we spent the day trying to Christmas shop. For those of you who know me you know that I love to shop. That may be changing if I have to take Stanton too many times. He is much like his daddy in he would rather do almost anything than shop and he doesn’t mind telling you. Even through the circus we managed to get a little shopping done. Everything that Stanton saw he wanted for Christmas.

We came back to the Donald House and the sun was out and Stanton said “It is a beautiful day so we can play on the playground”. I haven’t shared with you all about the new playground at the RMH. This is a project that has been in the works for a couple of years and we have been “fortunate” enough to see the project from beginning to end. There is a playground with a jungle gym, a firetruck, a playhouse and my favorite a dragon to climb on. There are swings and a basketball court and a big covered pavilion with picnic tables. The grand opening was Saturday and I think they had a great turn out for that, I hate we missed it but we were happy being home.

This evening a group came in and did Christmas crafts with the kids. I think Stanton and Mary Claire had fun. They made cute Christmas crafts. They made reindeer with their feet and hands. Mom said they were the only 2 who would let them paint their feet.

As I am typing this Stanton is curled up next to mom in bed reading night night stories. He had about 9 when he crawled in bed with her but I know she doesn’t mind that special one on one time. One of the books they were reading ended in one of my very favorite bible verses. The book was “I am a Promise” and the verse was Jeremiah 29:11 “For I know the plans I have for you, plans to give you peace not evil, to give you future and a hope.” I guess there was a time in my life that I didn’t think to much about this verse. Things have changed, one thing I hang onto is the fact that God does have a plan for us. My hope is that His plan for Stanton includes a long healthy life. As they lay there talking about what God wanted Him to be when he grew up all I could think was let’s just grow up and then we can decide. You all may think that is a horrible thought but it is one that goes through my mind daily. I guess unless you experience it you will never know how it feels to wonder if every special event will be the last you share with your child. These thoughts keep us making the most of every single day. One thing that is for certain is that no one is guaranteed a tomorrow. Yes, we know Stanton is sick and that his tomorrows could be limited but so could anyones. During this holiday season I encourage you all to make the most of every single moment. First of all do not forget what the season is about. The birth of Jesus Christ is why we celebrate. Take time to teach your children about the story of Jesus’ birth. I love to sit down with a nativity scene and have my 3 year old tell me the story. Yes, I am proud that he knows about the birth of Jesus. I know from experience that the month of December is packed full of activity. Please take the time to talk to God, thank Him for sending His son to pay such a high price for us. Another thing I think we all get caught up in and I know I am very guilty is giving giving giving. I don’t see anything wrong with giving if it is within your means but I do like to share with my children that it is more about giving than receiving.

I will share a tradition that we started that we love to do as a family. I really hate we were not able to do it this year but we will pick up next year. Our church does an angel tree with angels for people in need for Christmas. When they put the tree up we all go to the tree and pick an angel the most like us. The kids get kids their age and we get a mom or a dad. We then take some time to buy gifts for these people. It really puts things into perspective especially for Hayden about how other people spend Christmas and how we can make a difference. This is always such a special project for us. I just wanted to share one way that we try to teach our children a little about giving.

I really had another devotional to share with you tonight but when I heard that verse I couldn’t help myself.

Big prayers tomorrow as Trish will have the first of hopefully 2 stem cell harvests. The medicine she is receiving is making her very sore and to top it all off Emma Grace had a pretty rough day with side effects from the medicine. The hardest part in all of this is that we take out children into the hospital feeling great, there is still that little problem called “cancer” that is lingering in their bodies. We then to cure them have to make them sicker than they have ever been. It is so heartbreaking to watch. Please just continue to hold this family up in prayer as I think things will get worse a little while before they get better. If you get a chance visit them on their site to give them words of encouragement. You can never know how much it means to hear from the people across the country that are praying for them.

Remembering the Reason for the Season
Tina

Monday, December 6, 2004 10:05 PM CST

Well we are back in the swing of things. We managed to settle in last night. I gave up sleeping in a bed all by myself to sleeping with 2 children. I guess Granma needed the rest though because she slept until Stanton woke her up at 9:30! I have convinced them they need to sleep with her tonight so they are currently all bundled up in Granma’s bed watching a movie.

Stanton’s counts looked good today, not a whole lot of change from Thursday which is good. He has a little bit of a cold that he has had for a few days so we will watch that. I actually walked up to check on Emma Grace and when I came down mom rounded the corner carrying Stanton, his bag, her purse and holding Mary Claire’s hand saying, “we’re through”. They had seen Sandy while I was upstairs. The clinic was actually running early I guess. All I could tell mom was “welcome to our world!” I am so thankful to have her here to help. 4 hands are definitely better than 2.

We came back to RMH and got the Christmas tree put up. Thanks to Jamie we had a tree with lights, garland and matching ornaments and a tree skirt. Granma and the kids had a great time decorating the tree. They got finished and Stanton said “it is so pretty”. Jamie-I think the tree would make you proud. Even if it doesn’t Stanton likes it and that is all that counts. And yes Mary Claire is fine and spoiled rotten!!!!! Thanks for the decorations and helping to make our Christmas extra special.

Just a warning, the next paragraph is more for me, it was evident during quiet time what I needed to hear so as usual I will share with you.

For my devotional tonight I picked up “Experiencing the Heart of Jesus”. It has been a while since I have read this and when I looked at where I left off I will be honest with you, I almost put it down because I didn’t want to read it. The chapter I am on is “Experiencing the Love of Jesus”. This particular day talks about forgiveness. As you all know the decision for Jeff to be at home was not an easy one and one that was eventually taken out of our hands. I have to admit that there has been some bitterness on my part directly related to this whole situation. So, I needed this chapter and I needed to read it tonight. I have been forgiven. For everything that I have ever done and everything that I ever will do I have been forgiven. Jesus came to live a pretty rough life, only to die a very terrible death so that I could be forgiven. If God can forgive me for my sins then I can forgive people when I think they have done me wrong. The first and most important part of the whole equation is realizing that we are loved and loving God in return. The book gave great examples of why we might hold a grudge against someone and then turned it around by saying “What did God do when you …. To him?” This definitely put a whole new perspective on things.

“You are my child. I love you dearly, I am aware that someday you will turn from me and walk away. But I want you to know, I have already provided a way back.”

Ephesians 3:18-19

And may you have the power to understand as all God’s people should, how wide, how long, how high and how deep his love really is. May you experience the love of Christ, though it is so great you will never fully understand it. Then you will be filled with the fullness of life and the power that comes from God.

Please remember Emma Grace and Trish this week. They will be taking Trish’s stem cells on Wed. and Thurs. and I believe Emma Grace will get them Thurs. I got a chance to go by and see her today and she is doing okay considering the medicine that she is getting.

Humbled and Forgiving
Tina

Sunday, December 5, 2004 9:57 PM CST

Well, we made it back to Memphis. To say leaving was hard would be a complete understatement. I don’t know who it was the toughest on Stanton, Jeff or me. Stanton completely understood what was happening. Last night, he laid in Jeff’s arms and said “Daddy I am going to miss you”, talk about heart breaking.

Once we got back he jumped right back into the swing of things. He and Mary Claire played and played. Regardless of how hard it is to get in the car and come back there is some sense of peace when you get back, almost like you are home. I can’t explain it.

We had a great time at church this morning. We enjoyed getting to visit with everyone who has continuously prayed for us. Brother Wayne preached on one of my very favorite stories in the Bible in fact I am sure I have journaled on it before, Daniel and the Lions Den. He preached on being a Godly person and what traits a Godly person must have. A couple of things that caught my attention and that I probably needed to hear were 1) attitude-you can’t have a good attitude only when you want to. You must have a good attitude all of the time. I have learned that a good attitude is contaigious but so is a bad attitude. 2) prayer-pray faithfully! He also talked about kneeling to pray. I find myself often on my knees in prayer, in fact I probably should kneel more. I think back and have to hope that I prayed as much before the journey began ( I am sure that I did not) and ask myself the question “What did it take to get you on your knees?”

All in all we had a great trip home. We will be getting back into the routine tomorrow with lab work and meeting with the doctor. Please just continue to keep Stanton and all of his St. Jude friends in your prayers during this holiday season.

Only By His Grace
Tina

Saturday, December 4, 2004 10:07 PM CST

I am so sorry for the lack of journal entry yesterday. I think the week finally caught up with me and I was exhausted. I had a great day at work and I cannot even begin to explain how hard it was to leave.

To my staff-you girls are amazing. Thank you for all you have done to keep the department running smoothly without me there. I know it has not always been easy but you do what has to be done. You all are the greatest. To all of my fellow co-workers and friends at Brentwood-thank you from the bottom of my heart for your continued support. It is great to work with people who seem more like family.
Dennis T.-good luck! I will always remember your words of wisdom when this journey began last year. "Just remember that although this is a surprise for you it is not a surprise for God, He has it all under control." I don't know if you even remember writing it but it has stuck with me for 2 years. I will miss you terribly.

Today Hayden and I spent some much needed "mom" time. It was great! I even let him drive me around.

It is now time for the hardest part of coming home and that is going back. I guess that is part of the reason I don't get excited about coming home is you get home, settle into a "pretend" world and then you have to pack up and go back to reality. I guess when you are living it, it really isn't so bad, but when you come home and see what you are missing it is another story.

I also know that I am going back to Memphis and leaving my best friend in the world and the strong one of my team at home. I know I will be okay but I also know that tomorrow is going to be hard. When Jeff talked to Stanton today and told him he was going to have to stay home and go to work, things did not go so well. He really doens't understand. Jeff-I love you and know that this is probably the hardest thing you have ever had to do in all of your life but we will be okay. We will miss you terribly but will see you in a couple of weeks.

Thank you all for your continued prayers, love and support!

Crawling into His arms tonight
Tina

Thursday, December 2, 2004 5:18 PM CST

I am journaling a little early tonight. I have had another great day at work. It sometimes feels like I have been here all along and other times seems like I have been gone forever.

My staff ordered lunch today and we had a great time just sitting around visiting. Sonny-you may want to watch out the way Eleanor was talking. Thanks girls lunch was great. You have all been amazing during this very difficult situation. I could never thank you enough.

They had also done a St. Jude quilt raffle at the hospital a few weeks ago and one of the winners brought her quilt for Stanton today. Jodi-this was so nice of you. I know he will love it.

We are going to see Disney on Ice tonight. Jamie had tickets and when she found out we were coming home she arranged for us to have tickets so that Stanton could go. I know he will love it. This is why I am journaling so early. I hope to be home just in time to see the 10:00 news and the story on Stanton.

I haven't talked to them but from their website I believe Emilie got some great news today on her MRI. I know today was a long one for them but they got to see the prayers at work! Please continue to support and encourage them. www.caringbridge.org/la/emilie

I am going to end with a quote from my angel calendar:

"Troubles come in all shapes and sizes. Some are the right size for us to deal with on our own, but others we need guidance and understanding from a lifelong observer"

Depending on His Guidance
Tina

Wednesday, December 1, 2004 9:32 PM CST

What a GREAT day! I cannot explain to all of you how much I love what I do and being back at work today was wonderful. I could almost feel the adrenaline running. I will say it was a little strange at first. I felt like an intruder but it didn't take long to get back into the swing of things. Not everyone knew I was coming so it was fun to watch their faces.

It also makes it easy to leave when Stanton is curled up in Nanny Kay's lap telling me to go to work. I know that when she is here it is all about him which is just how he likes it.

Tonight we had the pleasure of interviewing with Shawn Patrick from Channel 6 news (it will run at 10:00 tomorrow night for all of you locals). The story was to talk about the Domino's car that Hayden and Stanton designed. They came to our home and made the interview so easy. It is so nice to talk to someone who truly seems concerned and that is the impression I got from Shawn. Shawn/Tony-thank you guys for the story. We love to get the word out about St. Jude and the great place that it is. You guys were great sports and learned quickly that Stanton calls the shots.

Although the day was busy I did not forget my quiet time. One of my devotionals was titled "The School of Obedience". This devotional talked about the four steps to to increasing our trust and obedience in God. The steps were 1) Wait 2) Meditate 3) Listen 4) Walk. It was what they said about "walking" that really caught my attention. It is a lesson I have learned from experience the last 2 years. There are times we must walk because God tells us to and not necessarily because we know where we are walking. "We can obey without understanding because God makes Himself responsible for the consequences. We are only accountable for obeying."

During the interview tonight Shawn asked me if I thought at all about the future (Stanton's future) and I could honestly answer "no". We are walking a journey that we take one day at time. God has the journey mapped out and it is our job to walk where he sends us. We don't look forward and we don't look back. We just focus on the day.

For those of you wondering Emma Grace is doing okay. She has started her chemo. Jake is recovering from surgery.

I also learned today that one of the sedation nurses from St. Jude passed away unexpectedly Friday. I have to tell you it takes a special person to be a nurse at St. Jude's. Craig-I know you are now playing with all of our angels. Please pray for Craig's family during this diffucult time (his family at home as well as his sedation team family).

Walking By Faith Not By Sight
Tina

Tuesday, November 30, 2004 9:12 PM CST

Hey everyone! It feels great to be home. It also feels kind of strange. I can't really explain how you can feel like a visitor in your own house. Stanton has played hard all day. I just let him go, as long as I could get from point A to point B. When it got to bad I went through and pushed it all to the side.

Jeff went back to work today. I guess he had an okay day. Reality is setting in that he won't be able to be in Memphis much.

I will go to work the rest of the week. Someone asked me if I was pushing myself to do this and my response was "Of course not". I love my job and can't wait to see everyone I work with and to get a little work done. Guys I will see you first thing!!!!

I was having quiet time tonight and the verse from Isaiah kept coming to mind. It is the verse that Brother Wayne read to me the day we left for St. Jude in 2003. The statement "Fear not I am your God" is in this verse and it is such a comforting thought. It is a statement that I have turned to many times over the last 2 years.

Thank you all for your continued prayers and support. We love you all!

Only By His Grace
Tina

Monday, November 29, 2004 9:34 PM CST

Coming to you tonight from the town on Minden, Louisiana, yes we got a break to come home for a few days. We met with Dr. Furman today who said Stanton looked great and that he agreed that the post treatment scan showed exactly what we were hoping for. The next step is a waiting game, there is no way to predict when his counts will drop as each child has proven to be different. So, we came home for a few days. Jeff will go back to work in the morning. I am easing back into things and will work Wed-Friday. Mom,Stanton, Mary Claire and I will leave this weekend headed back to Memphis.

I wish I could explain the emotions that go along with coming home if even for just a visit. You want to be home so bad but you miss the security of St. Jude's. Not to mention our friends at St. Jude's are haveing big weeks at the hospital and you want to be there for them. So Trish, Emma Grace, Stanton and I all had complete meltdown when we left.

Emma Grace should be on the 4th floor as we speak. She will start chemo tomorrow. Jake came through surgery well but I have only talked to relatives so I don't want to post any information until I have talked to Staci or Don.

Please just continue to hold these sweet children up in prayer. They are truly amazing.

Sorry the update is so short but just enjoying being home!

Only By His Grace
Tina

Sunday, November 28, 2004 10:29 PM CST

We started the morning off with church in the Hampton's room (once again being true bedside baptists). It is always such a pleasure to be a part of this special phone call that their church makes each Sunday morning. I will share more about the sermon later but it once again touched a nerve.

We spent the rest of the day playing. Giving Stanton and Emma Grace their last moments for awhile. They actually played good most of the day. The Raborn's came back tonight so it was a whole new ballgame. Jake was like the prized possession (or maybe it was Mo I'm not sure) but if we needed the kids to do something we would say "you are not going to get to go to Jake's room). After we were all back in our rooms Stanton heads for the door and says I am going to see Jake. Before we could get to him he had their door open saying "are ya'll going to bed yet?". They may regret moving so close. It is good to have everyone back.

Both of these families need special prayers tomorrow. Emma Grace will be admitted to the transplant unit to begin her pretransplant chemo regimine. I know this has been a rough weekend for Trish. As a parent you know that you have no other choice but you also know all of the risks involved. Trish will be her stem cell donor in a research transplant protocol. What this means is that there will now be 2 Trish's in the world.

Jake will be admitted to the hospital for surgery on one of his lungs at 11:00. Once again, as a parent you have no choice but you are given all of the scenarios best to worst. They need this surgery to be a success in order to do his other lung before they can operate on his liver. When you talk about all of these surgeries it is hard to believe that you are talking about a 2 year old.

Now for the sermon this morning. It was titled "Is God trying to get you attention?" Of course this caught my attention right away just because of the journey that we have been on the last 2 years. He read from the book of Daniel which is a book in the bible I have read several times. I know many of you have had God get your attention in very drastic ways. I know I have. One thing that Brother Grant did point out that not everything that happens is God trying to get you attention. You know if you are living the life that God intended you to. If you are not I encourage you to stop and think about what you need to do to make it right. Has God sent you subtle signs that you ignored? Wouldn't you rather take the hint from a subtle sign rather than make God do something drastic to get you attention. Just something to think about. There will be a time that it will be too late to get right with God. Take time today to evaluate your life and if you are living it as God wants you to.

I will say that at the end of the sermon, something happened (I can't go into detail) but it was very odd, or maybe not maybe God. It got to Trish and I and I think we were reminded that we both had long roads to travel and not to take things for granted.

Thank you Brother Grant for another special sermon.

Standing at Attention
Tina

Saturday, November 27, 2004 10:02 PM CST

Today we got a chance to do NOTHING! That is except unpack and laundry and all of the fun stuff that goes along with being away from home a week. I wish we could say that we rested but that didn’t happen. Stanton is on a medicine that has to be given every 4 hours around the clock so although we take turns it doesn’t make for a restful night.

Stanton and Emma Grace caught up on lost time. They played pretty good most of the day. Emma Grace will be admitted Monday and it will be weeks before they get to see each other. It is not going to be easy on them.

Trish and also caught up on some much needed TNT time. I pretty much just hung out in their room most of the evening watching movies as opposed to football.

As we are all starting to prepare for Christmas we spend a lot of time talking to people about what they want for Christmas. Well, needless to say what I want is not something that anyone but God can give me. I spent the day on the phone with Hayden while he shopped trying to decide what he was going to ask for. As I told him “no” time after time I thought about a devotional I had read recently.

I want to share with you tonight my Grace for the Moment Devotional from the 22, which was the day Stanton was admitted into the hospital last week.

“WHEN GOD SAYS NO”

John 6:35

Whoever comes to me will never be hungry and whoever believes in me will never be thirsty.

“There are times when the one thing you want is the one thing you never get…….

You pray and wait
No answer
You pray and wait

May I ask a very important question? What if God says no?

What if the request is delayed or even denied? When God says no to you how will you respond? If God says, ‘I’ve given you my grace, and isn’t that enough,’ will you be content?

Content. That is the word. A state of heart in which you would be at peace if God gave you nothing more than he already has.”

This is something that I have struggled with in the past and one that I know many parents at St. Jude struggle with especially in the beginning. Does God hear me? Why isn’t he answering. What I have learned is that the problem is not that he isn’t answering it is that I may not be listening.

Praying, waiting, wondering how will I respond?
Tina

Friday, November 26, 2004 10:27 PM CST

This entry is coming to you straight from room 25 of the Ronald McDonald House. We made it back to Memphis about 6:30 tonight greeted at the airport by Trish and Eli. You can guess there were lots of hugs going on and we were so thankful to be back home away from home. Philly was great as was the hospital but it is not Memphis nor St.Jude.

We started the morning early with a post treatment scan, the one that we actually want to light up. Well, light up it did. As much as we wanted to see uptake it was still a little heart breaking to see so much disease still in Stanton after all that he has been through.

We went back to the hotel where we got packed up to leave for the airport. You see, we met this great person named Liz who volunteered her time as well as her families time to take us to the airport. (She likes to shop as much as I do so you know what a sacrifice this was). So Liz, Jeff, Sydney, and Matthew picked us up (yes that would make 2 Jeff's we didn't have a chance) and took us to lunch. Knowing mexican was my favorite Liz had checked into some good places to eat in the city. Well needless to say before we left the restaraunt her Jeff was saying "I told you so". I actually enjoyed my meal but it was unlike any mexcian food any of us had ever eaten. The kids had a great time although they didin't eat much. We then saw a few more sights of Philly before heading back to the airport. Once again this family went so far above and beyond what we could have ever imagined to make us feel like family. Liz, Jeff, Sydney, Matthew-thank you so much for today. You all will forever hold a very special place in our hearts. Stanton has already told Emma Grace he now has 2 girlfriends. Gerhard, all I am going to say is you better watch out we may be family some day.

As you all know I do a lot of thinking when I am flying, especially when I am in the row in front of Jeff and Stanton. So I have so much on my heart. First of all about this past week. This was a place we tried to get to so desperatley and feel like everything led us to believe we were right where God wanted us to be.

Medically this week was unlike anything I have ever imagined. My child behind lead shields marked "caution high radiation area". The radiation area being my baby. Having to watch him cry to held and only be able to attempt to comfort him by putting on gloves and a gown and stand behind a lead shield. Having him measured daily to see if he meets federal requirements to be out in the public safely. Pretty unbelievable but we are still praying that this could be the answer.

Spiritually this week I had more quiet time than usual. Much of my evenings at the hotel were spent in quiet time. God and I talked pretty openly about a whole variety of topics and I have to say he led me to many scriptures which answered so many questions. Which is amazing because I didn't take any devotional books, just my bible.

Personally I learned that a country girl doesn't really fit into the "big city" life but can handle it if she has to. I also learned that there are people in the world who are for lack of better words, "just good people". I never imagined this summer when Gerhard Barone showed up at St. Jude while passing through Memphis just to meet Stanton (he had been reading the website) that the friendship that started with that visit would turn into something so much more. I feel like such a part of their family and can't believe all that Liz, Angela (Oma), and Christina did for us this week. I also learned through Stanton again, how to take a terrible situation and make it bearable. He continues to amaze me. I for the first time in my life spent a major holiday away from my family. Hard would be a just description but what we had to do. I learned how much I need my support system in my very dear friend/sister, Trish. We spoke everyday on the phone but it just can't touch a hug when needed. I am not sure what we are going to do when this beast is gone and we go home.

I know many of you are asking what is next? Well, lets just say that I will need to print the "Patience" journal entry and read it daily. We wait. Stanton will see the doctor at least once a week with blood work 3 times a week. He will receive blood products as needed and the medicine to stimulate his white cells when they get to a certain level. 6 weeks from the treatment he will receive a complete work-up to see if the treatment worked. There are a lot of "ifs" in this equation so it is not quite as easy as it sounds but if it worked, possibly another treatment or if not moving toward bone marrow transplant. Time will tell. What I do know is that it is already worked out.

I read somewhere that yesterday is over and tomorrow may never come so it is best to focus all of your efforts on today. So, I think that is what I will do. There will be many things for the kids at St. Jude's this month and I am determined that Stanton is going to have fun. We got home tonight and they had started decorating the house and I think there are at least 50 Christmas trees all over the house, it looks GREAT!

A couple of big prayer requests for the coming week: Emma Grace will start her chemo regimine for transplant Monday. Jake will be having his first lung surgery Monday. Guess we will have a lot to be praying for Monday.

Focusing on Today
Tina

Thursday, November 25, 2004 11:08 AM CST

HAPPY THANKSGIVING TO ALL!!!!

We are so thankful for so many things I wish I had time to list them all but since Stanton's numbers are 4.3 we will be "blowing this popscicle stand soon". One of the things we are most thankful for are all of our faithful followers and prayer warriors (those we have known, those we have gotten a chance to meet, and those we've never met). We know the journey has been much easier thanks to your support. The next time I will be updating will be from our home away from home "The Donald House".

Enjoy your day!

Tina

Wednesday, November 24, 2004 4:00 PM CST

Just a quick update! Stanton is doing okay. Really starting to whine and want to be held. Boy, it is so hard to watch them cry for you and not be able to comfort them. I won't go into a lot of detail about the treatment except that there is a "magic" number that Stanton's radiation levels must be before it is safe for him to be discharged. That number is 7. It was 23 right after treatment and 11 this morning leading us to believe that he will be discharged tomorrow. He is starting to run a low grade fever which is the last thing we nee right now so please get the prayers going on that one. Dr. Maris came by this morning and said so far things looked pretty normal for this treatment.

I am glad you all enjoyed my devotion on patience. I think it is one I am going to have to print out and read daily. Jeff and I do so well as a team but I have to say the stress can get to you. I said something yesterday about him needing to go read our website and it wasn't an hour later that I was eating those words. He quickly reminded me that I was the one that wrote the words I needed to go read.

I hope you all have a great Thanksgiving! Be sure and enjoy each and every minute! I don't know if I will have time to update tomorrow so I just wanted to remind everyone to stop tomorrow and take time to thank God for all of His blessings. I know our family will be counting them and thanking Him for them all.

Thanking Him
Tina

Tuesday, November 23, 2004 4:11 PM CST

Well I promised you another entry and that you are going to get. Stanton is doing good, laying in bed like such a big boy. The medicine they are giving him to keep him relaxed makes him TALK! It has been funny to listen to all he has to say.

Okay, I think God wanted me to learn a little about patience (I often confess it is not one of my best attributes). When I got a chance to check my email 3 of the daily devotionals were on patience and none of them were the same. It didn't take me long to get the picture so I printed them out for quiet time last night. Boy did I go to bed with a new song on my heart.

The first devotional talked about the upcoming holidays and all of the "opportunites" for impatience and these opportunities could be used to develop the character of patience.

For some reason when we see things not going our way we feel the need to take action and not wait. Anyone can have the reaction of of impatience but as Christ followers we have the opportunity to give an awesome testimony to the power of God.

It is important to remember that developing patience does not happen overnight and that in our growth with into mature Christians we will make immature mistakes (Hobby Lobby parking lot). The beauty in this is that we can forgive ourselves and try again knowing that we already have God's forgiveness (1 John 1:9).

The second devotional describes that we all have excuses for not beign patient. Being impatient causes us to make bad decisions, hurt others and damage relationships. God knows that the attribute of patience helps us stay in His will.

So, how do we develop patience? First we must recognize that difficulties are opportunites in disguise to help us become patient (boy is that a hard lesson to learn). I have had to accept that success in the Christian life does not mean the absence of difficulties. God's purpose for our life is not always easy but it is for us to grow up into Christlikeness. We have a personal responsibility to pursue the quality of patience. We don't have to do it alone though, God is with us each step of the way. If you have a difficulty in your life today, see it as God does and wait patiently.

The third devotional I am going to directly quote because it it AWESOME!

The Reward of Patience

"Rather than waiting until we reach heaven to reward us, God sends many blessings to us now-particularly in response to our attitude of patience.

1. We see God at work. His way is the best way, and we become more aware of this whenm we observe Him working in our life.

2. We are able to achieve our objectives. The Lord knows the right moment to provide what we want or need. If we give up too soon or try to manipulate circumstances, we miss out on God's best for us.

3. We have God's favor. When we are patiently waiting for His will, then He can freely bless us. God certainly wants to pour out His love on our life.

The Lord has many rewards available to us when we abide patiently in His will. We will face circumstances in which we are tempted to be impatient. What determines whether or not we express patience is the value we place on whoever else is involved or God. Do you value Him enough to be patient with His timing?"

What do you all think about this one. Hit pretty close to home for me.

Thanks for all of the prayers today! Please continue them as this treatment begins to work.

Recognizing my many blessings
Tina

Tuesday, November 23, 2004 1:19 PM CST

Well, we have officially started lighting our very own Christmas ornament. Stanton did great with the catheter placement this morning although he had many questions afterwards and did not like this thing coming from his body. They are giving him a little medicine to keep him calm so things are going okay. At about 10 til 1 I said something about not being able to touch him and he said it is not 1:00 yet. Sometimes it doesn't pay to have a very bright 3 year old. The procedure will take about 2 hours. Stanton is actually taking a nap so that is good. The nurses and radiation team have been great!

I also want to let you know to check in later this evening because I had some GREAT quiet time last night and feel the need to share. It is about my favorite topic PATIENCE!

Hope you all got to see the ad in USA Today. It turned out great. To all our friends at Domino's THANKS!!!!!!!!!! WE love you guys!

Only By His Grace
Tina

Monday, November 22, 2004 4:08 PM CST

Well, as you can see it has been a long day of waiting. Stanton is finally in the "shrink wrap" room. Everything is covered in plastic. Luckily Emma Grace had eductated Stanton so he wasn't alarmed. We are waiting on his blood right now. They will take him to surgery tomorrow morning about 9:30 to place the foley catheter. This is the only thing that we have not explained in detail (except for what Emma Grace has told him and that is a whole other story in itself). We figure we will wait until he wakes up tomorrow to explain it. He will receive the injection about 1:00 tomorrow.

Once again I want to thank each and every one of you who continues to pray for Stanton and our family. We feel God's arms wrapped around us all of the time. Please just keep the prayers coming, specifically for Stanton's peace as he has to endure not being able to be held.

Only By HIs Grace
Tina

Quick Update: For those of you in the Shreveport/Minden area, the Domino's cars are available at the local Domino's stores now. You just have to ask for the car or the specials associated with the cars. The proceeds from the car will go back to St. Jude's. So all of you faithful supporters don't let us down. I told them they wouldn't be able to keep enough in the stores in our market!

Sunday, November 21, 2004 8:00 PM CST

I know I know I said I wouldn't be journaling but I just can't help it.

I couldn't wait to share what a great day we had although I won't be able to go into great detail I have several people I would like to thank.

I know you all read of a man named Gerhard Barone who stopped by to check on Stanton when he was in the hospital. He had never met us but was a faithful journal follower and prayer warrior. We knew that night what a blessing he was and we knew there was a reason that he was compelled to stop and meet us. Today we got to see part of God's plan in action. You see, Gerhard is from Philadelphia and still has sisters that live here. Not only that but his mother who had recently moved in with him flew in yesterday for the week. So, after many instructions from Gerhard we were able to meet up today for a fun filled day. I don't have time for moment to moment details but I can say that I felt like I was with my family. Stanton and Sydney (Gerhard's niece) hit it off great and were not ready to say goodnight.

Gerhard-Thank you for decidng to stop in Memphis that night and introduce yourself. You will forever be a special part of our family. God had plans in mind and today was a definite showing of that.

Angela (Oma)-you have raised amazing children! There genorosity and their love of the Lord came from you. You did a great job. I am so glad we got to meet you today. You are such a very special person. Thank you for allowing us to be a part of your family.

Liz/Christina-thank you for an amazing day. You took what would have been a very boring long day and made it a blast!!!!!! You are also very special people who I am so glad that God's plan included our paths crossing. We love you all.

Stanton will be admitted tommorrow and his treatment will be on Tuesday. Keep the prayers coming. We feel surrounded by everyone although so far from home.

Standing on the Rock
Tina

Saturday, November 20, 2004 9:56 PM CST

Hey Everybody! Tis me, ole Trish again dropping a note of update for Tina. (I think she is trying to get into the habit of journaling daily. ha!)

Mr. Stanton is doing just great. They have had a relaxed day of family fun with the Touch & Feel Children's Museum and just enjoying the day together.

Tina said they are getting the blessing of going to see the Gerhard Barone's Family on Sunday. His has sisters in Philadelphia and his mother is actually going to be there this weekend as well. This family has just been a God send to both our families. Who could have imagined that God would allow our paths to cross with the start of reading our websites? His love reaches far and wide and we are so thankful He is providing this wonderful family to take care of our Haynes' while staying in Philly. Thank you Barone family for being incredible beyond words ... only described by our hearts!!

Tina did want me to mention that they only thought they were the country folks that went to the city when leaving Minden to come to Memphis. Well, they've really gone to "the city" now. Ever read the book "The Country Mouse went to the City"? Well, we know how they feel and she said Philly sure isn't Minden and she's ready to get this next treatment behind them so they can get closer to home!

We sure miss them here at Uncle Ronnie's and are covering them with prayer for our Stanton to blaze thru with flying colors - as well as Jeff & Tina. Thank you for your incredible love and faithful prayers!

Only By His Grace - Trish for my sister, Tina

Just wanted to let you know that Miss Madelyn Beamon certainly needs our prayers as she is back in ICU. I went to the hospital tonite to visit with mom, Brandi, and what seems to be Fibrosis of the lungs tests negative so they are unsure what's going on. Madelyn did do better today and they are hopeful she will continue so she can get off the vent. If you get a chance, please drop the Beamon's a note on Madelyn's website. www.caringbridge.org/tn/madelynbeamon

Friday, November 19, 2004 9:23 PM CST

Hey guys! It's Tina again, I wa going through journaling withdrawals. I actually journaled last night I just didn't get to share it with all of you. So of course you will get 2 days in one. Thank You Trish for updating for me especially when so many are harrassing you about your own site. We miss you terribly.

So here is my journal from last night:
Progression, boy that is word that I could have done without. Toay was one of those days when I would have been happy with "stable". I know that sounds a little wishy washy.

We loaded up and headed to the airport with heavy hearts. Trish and Emma Grace dropped us off and talk about an emotional goodbye. Don, Staci and Jake were in the airper waiting on us. Jake wanted to see Stanton fly off in an airplane. Thanks to all of you, you know we are like one big happy family.

As we were taxing down the runway you coud see the raindrops on the windows. I couldn't help but think that maybe these were teardrops from heaven. I know God hurts when His children do just as we do as parents. This really got my mind in the right mode. Stanton fell asleep before we left the ground so I had a lot quiet time. I love flying above the clouds. It is always so pretty and in some way I have to think that this is what heaven is going to look like. So what did I do for most of the flight-I prayed. I talked to God about everything. I told Him what I didn't understand. I told Him what I wanted but I also just asked fo guidance, strength and wisdom forJeff, me, Stanton and Hayden. I thanked Him for the blessings, I even thanked HIm for the journey (still can't thank Him for Stanton being sick).

After I had taked to God for a long while, I pulled out a letter from a special person that we had picked up right before we left. In this letter a mother thanked me for reminding her not ot take her children for granted. She said she hugged them more, talked more and most importanty prayed more. One thing that is certain; if 1 person prays that has never prayed before, or if person changes the way they live their life, or person says "Hey, I want t know more about this God they draw strength from" then the journey has been more than worth it. Thank you to those who share with me these moments in your life. It makes taking the next step much easier.

For those of you who were worried about m yesterday, I want to let you knw not to worry. I slept good last night and woke up with God' shield of armor on ready for the next battle.

We got to the clinic this morning and as usual Stanton is amazing. He acted like he had been here all of this time. We loved Dr. Maris and Nurse Pat. We are so thankful to have these 2 wonderful people on our team. We didn't have many questions, Emma Grace had answered most of them for us. Dr. Maris said that Stanton was a good candiate for the study (although if he wasn't I don't guess we would be here). He had an MRI done this evening. Sedation here was a little different than St. Jude, but He did okay. At first we didn't think he was going to stop taking long enough to go to sleep. We are back at the hotel tonight and through the weekend. Stanton will be admitted to the hospital on Monday, get a unit of blood (they want his hemoglobin a lttle higher). On Tuesday they will sedate him, put in a foley catheter and then inject the MIBG. Dr. Maris seemed to think he would be ready to be discharged from a radiation standpoint on Thursday (wouldn't that be something to be thankful for). He would then have to return to the hospital Friday morning for the post treatment scan.

I can' thank all of you enough who have joined us in this battle. We get a good deal of strength from hearing from the prayer warriors.

Ready to win the battle
Tina

Thursday, November 18, 2004 7:22 PM CST

Greetings All From Philly!!

Ok..ok...really this is Trish just stopping by to let everyone know that Tina called and they are safe and sound in Philadelphia. Yes, Jeff survived the 2 1/2 hr plane trip without incident!

Tina said to let you know she would update more later. We are all asking for the Power Prayers for our little Stanton during this next chapter of his treatment. Also, for the strength, courage and peace that comes only from God for Jeff & Tina. It's a whole new experience with all new anxieties but God provides the ultimate comfort and peace. Especially, wrapping them all up in His arms of love like only He can. We know God has ALL the details worked out ... we're just hanging onto His Hand to lead us through.

I know Tina & Jeff would reiterate how grateful they are to everyone for their love, support and especially, prayers. You all are the best ... God is so good!

Power Praying from A-far,
Trish

ps...kinda puts the pressure on me to get Emma Grace's website updated now, eh?? love ya'll!

Thursday, November 18, 2004 11:32 AM CST

Well, I had hoped to update before we left with better news but no such luck (realizing that I don’t believe in luck). I talked to Dr. Furman this morning and Stanton’s MIBG yesterday showed no new spots but the spots that had been showing up showed up much brighter. He says that it appears that this would be considered disease progression. What we wanted to hear was stable. Dr. Furman reminded me that we are a week later than we would have been had we started chemo and that this is the reason we are going to Philly in the first place.

I wish I could say that I took this news as well as I should have but I will have to say I failed in that department. I am regrouping, going to have some quiet time before I leave and just know that God knows, He knew what we were going to hear and He knows what this next step holds. He has walked before me, and behind me and at this exact moment is carrying me in His arms.

I know I ask for much but I am asking for all of my prayer warriors to flood the throne of God with prayers for our baby. He is amazing and continues to keep us going. We need this treatment to hit this disease hard. From the latest results we know our chemo options are very very limited.

We will be flying out at about 2:25 from Memphis. Pray for safe travel and uneventful yet successful treatment in Philly.

Still standing on the Faith of His Healing Power
Tina

Wednesday, November 17, 2004 10:51 PM CST

Well, Stanton had his MIBG today. We don't have any results yet, but based on some basic lab work we know that our miracle that it would all be gone did not happen. I think that we got every test we needed for Philly today so tomorrow will be a quick meeting with Dr. Furman and picking up all of the scans to take with us.

With this upcoming treatment brings much anxiety. I feel like I can talk to you from my heart because nothing that I share with you I have not already shared with God himself. In fact, we had many conversations today in regard to a lot of things. After my meltdown Jeff and I got some quiet time (Stanton was still sedated) and as usual he was the strong one. He reminded me that so many things had to happen in order for this Philly treatment to even be on option. Some of which have even been called miraculous. That should tell me that we are doing exactly what God has in mind for us. I felt much better after our talk. There is so little time for total uninteruupted adult conversation time.

I continued on with my study of "The Love of Jesus" tonight during quiet time which I got to share with Trish. I grew up in church and knew the story of God's love for us but a couple of devotionals have really shed a new light on things. God's love is one that is so great that we have a hard time understanding it. We may not always be going to God looking for love from Him, but He is continually presenting His love in a way that is beyond argument. You can look around at all of the ways that God loves us. He love is in the air that we breathe, the day and night, the magnificent way that he created our bodies to function and the list goes on and on. But His greatest love is shown when He sent His only son to die for us while we were still sinners. His son who was living in the "perfect world" was sent to our "unperfect world" to go through everything that you and I go through and more only to die a painful death so that we all may live eternally. And to think He did this while we were sinners. He didn't wait until we are good enough. If God could love us this much how can we not share this love with others.

I know this journey to Philly is a means of expanding my territory to share God's love with others. I know that it is part of the plan and I am going with the attitude to fulfill this part of the plan with the best of my abitlites.

Thank you all for the support that you offered Jake and his family, it did not go unnoticed. They will get the results of his scans tomorrow.

I am not taking the laptop to Philly and I am not sure about computer access so I will update as much as possible or have Trish update for me (yes it will be more than once while I am gone). There are a couple of things I want you to be aware of over the next few days. Tomorrow and Friday McDonalds is doing a promotion where proceeds of certain items purchased go to your local Ronald McDonald House. This is a charity that has a very special place in my heart so I encourage all of you if you are going to eat out stop by McDonalds. There is also a special Christmas CD at Dillard's that the proceeds go to the local RMH. It is usually pretty good. One last thing, I think the full page ad of Michael Waltrip and Stanton will run in USA Today on November 19.

Thanks again for your support and prayers. I will try to update with scan results before we leave.

Imagining His Unconditional Love
Tina

I may have failed to mention that after this treatment Stanton will have enough radiation to light a small town so I love the comment in the guestbook about him being his own Christmas ornament. That's a cool way to look at it.

Tuesday, November 16, 2004 10:43 PM CST

One hurdle down. One thing I was kind of worried about (still don’t know why I do that I know God has it under control) was the MIBG injection that Stanton had to get today would not pass quality controls. It happens sometimes and in fact happened last week. The medicine was good and he got his injection so he will have his scan at 8:00 in the morning. We have to be there at 7:00. We will probably meet with Dr. Furman tomorrow afternoon to pick up all the needed scans to take with us to Philly. No, I have not even begun to pack but those of you who know me know this is not unusual. I do have a checklist of things that have to be done before we leave though.

I did make it out to Dr. Floyds today to make the impression for my new mouthpiece. I still do not like dentist offices but it was great to see Floyd. Stanton played ball with him a little while. He is so good, he is going to try to have the mouthpiece ready tomorrow so I will have it before we leave. Any of you looking for a dentist I will put my two cents worth in on Dr. Garrett.

This evening we were asked to go speak at the University of Memphis Up Til Dawn fundraiser kickoff for St. Jude. I am not sure how many college students were there but it was very impressive to see these kids come together for such a cause. Trish and I spoke while Stanton and Emma Grace ran around and did what they do best. I think the college kids loved them. Once again, I will not go into detail but Trish gave us a good laugh. I am sure at some point all of the memories will come into the open.

We also got a chance to visit with Jake, Staci and Don tonight. Jake got out of the hospital today and he and Jeff picked up where they left off. I want you all to go to his web site and read an entry by Don’s dad. It is very heart touching. www.caringbridge.org/la/jakeowen. I know how hard this has all been as a parent but I think a grandparent gets the heartache times 2. It is there baby and grandbaby. Yes, no matter how old I am I will always be mom and dad’s baby. Jake will be having a VERY important CT scan tomorrow afternoon. Guys we join you in BELIEVING!

Thanks to those of you who listened to my mini pity party last night about Jeff. I know it can be done without him but I hate it more for the time he will miss with Stanton. Thank you all for the words of encouragement.

With everything that is going on my quiet time for 2 nights has led me to the 1st chapter of Philippians with Paul in the Roman prison. A friend emailed me a prayer this morning called “Setbacks into Stepping Stones” which also referenced this chapter. I know that God has placed us on this journey for a reason and if I don’t use any setback as an opportunity to spread His word then I am missing out on that reason. Thank you Mrs. Jackie for sharing this with me.

I talked a good deal about Jeff’s job last night and I want to take a little time tonight to brag on my employees and all that they continue to do for me. We got a great big care package in the mail today that they made sure we got before we left got Philly. I will say guys, I shed a few tears. You all are AWESOME!!! You have taken a very difficult situation and made it as easy on me as possible although I know it has not been easy on all of you. Mr. Smith- you already know how highly I think of you and the person/boss that you are. Thank you for taking the time to make my staff feel special today. I heard great reviews of their idea of lunch and how much it meant to them that you took the time to take them to lunch. Thanks again.

Please just keep the prayers coming even more so over the next few days. Thanks for all of the continued support and prayers.

Using the Stepping Stones
Tina

Monday, November 15, 2004 11:30 PM CST

Fair warning, my heart is full and I have much to share so sit back and relax.

First of all for all of you who live in the Memphis area, the Domino’s stores now have the matchbox size replica of the car that Hayden and Stanton designed. I think the deal is that you buy 2 pizzas for 19.99 and you get the car. So if you want a car be sure and call your local Domino’s and ask about them. I am not sure how many stores have them but I know the numbers are limited. They are going to have them in 3 more markets next week, I will try to let you know which ones those are as I find out. I do know one of them will be the Shreveport market (I hope including Minden). They are pretty cool!

Stanton had his CT scan today (we have no results yet) and we met with Dr. Furman. Nothing really new to report just making sure we have things lined out to leave on Thursday. He gets injected tomorrow for his MIBG on Wed.

I have been having some trouble with headaches and jaw pain I believe are associated with TMJ. I am going to go see a great friend we met at St. Jude who happens to be a dentist tomorrow to try to find a way to fix this problem. It seems that I may be grinding my teeth at night. The big problem is I am terrified of dentists so we will see how it goes. Thanks Floyd for making time for me. You and your family hold a very special place in our hearts. Maybe if you show up in costume my anxieties will be less. (Just kidding)

Trish and I had an interesting evening out. I promised her I wouldn’t go into great detail but let’s just say memories were made.

We also got news today that when we get back from Philadelphia Jeff is not going to have a choice he is going to have to go back to work. I know that we have been very fortunate that he has been able to be here as much as he has but this is still very disheartening because Stanton is very attached to him. The last time Jeff mentioned leaving, Stanton would not even let him leave the room without going with him. Jeff’s employer has been good to him in keeping his job open for him so far I just wish the people that are making the decisions could walk a day in his shoes. For those of you who own companies big or small I encourage you to take heed of what is going on in your employees lives. You can make a HUGE difference in the stress level that these employees go through when faced with a situation like we have been in. There is no one that would rather be at work more than Jeff and I. This will be a big adjustment for all of us, but one we will do for lack of other options. We will as we have everything else make the most of it. One thing we will not do is put to much thought into it until we get back from Philadelphia. For those of you who work with Jeff who have gone above and beyond to make it possible for him to be here I thank you from the bottom of my heart. You have allowed me to have my best friend in the world with me every step of the way. For those of you who just couldn’t handle it or don’t understand why he needed to be here, I just hope you never have to find out because it would require you walking in his shoes and I wouldn’t wish that on anyone. Jeff-I know this was not easy for you to hear today. I also know that you have to do what you have to do and we will be okay. I hate it for you more than anything because of the time you will miss with Stanton. I know things have been rough to say the least but I love you more than you could ever know and I know more than I show you most of the time.

Okay, thanks for letting me get that off of my chest. Now on to my quiet time for the day. I sure needed it after the above news. I went to my “Experiencing the Heart of Jesus” book. I started a new chapter called “Experiencing the Love of Jesus”. Boy is this going to be a good one.

1 John 4:9

This is how God showed His love to us. He sent His one and only Son into the world so that we could have life through Him.

When you look at this verse you see the ultimate definition of love. God loves us simply because he has chosen to. He loves you when you don’t fell lovely. He loves you when you feel like no one else does. He will always love you no matter what. There is nothing we can do to make God love us more. He loves us just the way we are, but he doesn’t want to leave us this way he wants us to be just like Jesus. He gives us grace because He loves us. One of the questions which I put much thought in was “Have you experienced a time where you truly understood that Jesus loved you?” I couldn’t come up with just one time but many. I am pretty embarrassed to say that most of these memories came during times of great adversity. But they were times when I needed to know that God loved me the most. I will close with a quote from “A Gentle Thunder”

GOD IS CRAZY ABOUT YOU
If God had a refrigerator your picture would be on it. If he had a wallet your photo would be in it. He sends you flowers in the spring and a sunrise every morning. Whenever you want to talk, he’ll listen. He can live anywhere in the universe and he choose your heart… Face it friend. He’s crazy about you.”

Love this great seems almost unimaginable until you experience it. I hope for all of you reading this that you have had a chance to experience the love of Jesus. One thing He does ask for from us is that we share this love with others.

Thank you all for letting me vent a little tonight. Remember that I journal more for my sake than anyone’s and some nights I just need to get things off of my chest. We love you all. Thanks for your continued support and prayers.

Joyfully serving a Loving God
Tina

Sunday, November 14, 2004 9:46 PM CST

Good Sunday evening everyone! I hope everyone had a great day. We woke up this morning to a home cooked breakfast made by Trish, Valissa and Gloria (new RMH friends). It was great as usual. I think Trish warned them that if 1)if involved getting up early for I would not be available and 2)if it involved anything to do with the kitchen I was also out. I do enjoy the eating part though. From breakfast we went to church in the Hampton room. Their church once again called and we put it on speakerphone.

Brother Grant had a great message today. I knew God was talking to us in that room when the first sentence of his sermon was “What is home?” As you all have read, I have had a hard time dealing with this whole being away from home during the holidays. As do so many of the parents that spend their holidays in Memphis at St. Jude. I must say that I have come to terms with it and know that this is going to be the greatest holiday regardless. But this statement really got all of our attention. He talked about home not being a house or a place that you lived, rather that it was who you were with and what you were doing. The ultimate message was about coming back home once you have gone astray. How many of us have said, “Okay God I can do this by myself”? Or gotten so caught up in life that we forget to let God have complete control or forget about God all together. One thing we are assured is that no matter what we can ask God for forgiveness and He will welcome us back. He told a story at the end of the sermon about a preacher on a train sitting next to a young man with a tear running down his cheek. When he asked him about it the young man explained how a few years earlier he had been asked to leave his house because he was too much for his mother and father. He was now on his way back home. The preacher asked what made him think he would be welcome back at home. He had done the worst of the worst but in the end went to a revival where he asked Jesus into his heart. He told the preacher that he had called and asked to come home and told his mom that if he was welcome would she please tie a white handkerchief in the top of the apple tree. The man then closed his eyes and told the preacher that they would be coming upon his house around the next curve and would he mind looking for the white handkerchief to know if he was welcome. What the preacher saw was not only one white handkerchief but a whole tree full and 2 proud parents out in front of the house waving a white sheet saying “welcome home”. Can’t you just see God waving a white flag welcoming us home when we have gone astray? What a comforting thought. Thank you Brother Grant for allowing us to be a part of today’s service.

I spent the afternoon cleaning the room and watching NASCAR! Yes you read right. Scotty-you would be so proud, I can talk to you all about it now. I know who the points leaders are and what each one has to do next week if they want to win the Nextel Cup. Anybody impressed???? I think my little sister is a little worried that I need more to do since I have learned so much about racing.

So, everybody say a few extra prayers this week that we get good scan results and that things go pretty smoothly. I get a little nervous when everything has to fall into place without much room to spare. Yes, I know God has it all under control and will handle it but you all know me!

Only By His Grace
Tina

Saturday, November 13, 2004 10:12 PM CST

Well we had a big day today. The morning started out early (or early for Stanton). Target Corporation sponsored a private viewing of Sponge Bob Squarepants the Movie for the St. Jude kids. We were greeted at the movie theater by Sponge Bob and Patrick themselves. The movie was pretty cute. Stanton enjoyed it and that is why we went. I don’t think he enjoyed it as much as The Polar Express or at least he won’t talk about it as much. We came back to the RMH and I had every intention of cleaning and doing laundry but decided that could wait until tomorrow. I will send the guys out and get it done.

I decided not to procrastinate getting things together for Philly so I decided to go to Wal-Mart. Not to mention I am tired of watching football. I was casually doing my Wal-Mart shopping when Jeff called and said that there was a race car store that had a show car there and that they wanted to meet Stanton. They had seen his car in a magazine. Not a problem I would wind things up and head back. About that time the electricity went out. Well, I know they thought I was shop lifting because I headed to the front of the store (not quite running). I wanted to be able to check out and not have to come back. I did make it out of there thank goodness.

I got back to RMH where we waited on Stanton to wake up. When he got up we loaded up the big red truck and headed for the race car store (AKA Fast Cars and Pigskin Stars). Cindy, another St. Jude mom was the one that told us about this and showed us how to get to the store. We get there and are visiting with the man that has the show car and of course Stanton’s eyes are HUGE because he has all of these diecast cars displayed. They asked him which driver he liked and of course he said “my race car driver is Michael Waltrips”. He then proceeded to point out each of Michael’s cars the number 15 and 99. The man asked which one he wanted and he picked out a little 99 car. I do have to say he is a loyal fan. The owners of the store came out about that time and gave him the choice of a big diecast car a 99 MAD or a 15 Napa. He picked the 99 and was so proud of it. We then made the mistake of going into the store. Big Big Mistake. Stanton went to the little (1/64) cars and started picking out all of the ones he did not have. We finally convinced him to only get a couple and ask for the rest for Christmas. I want to say thank you to the wonderful owners of this store who obviously have a big heart with a soft spot for St. Jude kids.

On the same subject (NASCAR) on the way to the movie I was talking to Stanton about his hair coming back (he has a little peach fuzz). He knows my favorite place to kiss him when he is bald is on his head so I asked him what I was going to do when he got hair. He said “guess you will have to kiss me on my cheek” he then went on to say “Michael Waltrips will have to kiss me on my cheek too.” He doesn’t forget a thing. He remembers Michael kissing him on the head.

We then took the big red truck on to Southaven to my cousin’s new house. They were having a shrimp boil and we had been invited. Their new house is gourgeous and it was great to meet their friends and neighbors not to mention the shrimp were GREAT! Shannon/Todd thanks welcoming us into your home it is beautiful.

We got back to the RMH just in time for a couple of songs from Shelia with Lauren King Ministries. This was a big decision for us because we love to be here when the King’s come. We feel like they are so much a part of our family. In fact, we have been here so long I have a name now I am not just “Stanton’s mom”. We have also been here long enough that Larron knows which songs are my favorite so before they finished he got Shelia to sing “I’ve Got Confidence” This is the chorus and the last verse I thought I would share:

'Cause I've got confidence
God is gonna see me through
No matter what the case may be
I know He's gonna fix it for me
Some folks wonder how I smile
Even though I'm going to trial
How can I have song
Everything is going wrong
I don't worry and I don't fret
God has never failed me yet

I guess God knew that this was the song that I needed to hear going into this week. Anita, Larron, Shelia-I once again cannot thank you enough for what you do for the families of the Ronald McDonald House but specifically for me. You always bring a message with you that is specific to what I need to hear. You guys continue to amaze me.
Thank you again for your continued prayers and support.

Confidently,
Tina

I almost forgot to share a little story about something we talk about in Sunday School a lot, perspective. When we sit down to eat Stanton and Emma Grace each say their blessing. Stanton’s blessings these days always end with the sentence “God please make me better so I can go back home and live with my bubba” Perspective from a 3 year old!

Friday, November 12, 2004 11:01 PM CST

We had some visitors from home today so it was a great day. A group of HIM students from La. Tech came to the hospital for a tour. Angela and Michelle came in a seperate vehicle so that they could spend a little extra time with us which was great. They came by the room this morning before going to the hospital (they actually made great time considering they had a little trouble with Jeff's directions). Jan had sent Stanton a stuffed bulldog that barks that he has had a ball with. He said he was going to scare Emma Grace with it. After a short visit they invited me to go with them on the tour. This wasn't just a hospital tour but a tour of the HIM department, a section of the IT department and a visit with some Clinical Data Analysts. This was great! I have always loved my job and never thought twice about the profession that I chose so I had a blast listening to all of the ways people had chosen to use their HIM degree. When I looked at the HIM managers office it made me miss my office and staff so much. Working from afar just isn't the same (although my desk at the RMH doesn't look much better than mine at work usually does). Anyway, it was a great tour and thank you all for allowing me to be a part.

Jeff and Stanton found us during the tour because Stanton realized that we had left RMH. He was pretty good and only had to leave during one presentation. Angela, Michelle, Jeff, Stanton and I then went to lunch while the others grabbed a quick lunch and did the hospital tour. Michelle is pretty used to eating with a 3 year old but Angela got a good taste of what she is in for (she and Bill are adopting a 2 and 4 year old).

After lunch we went back to meet up with the group before they went home. Paul-I hope you had a peaceful trip home. I think Jeff was worried about you in a van full of women. I hope you all enjoyed your visit to St. Jude and in your short time here were able to see what a very special place that it is. For those of you who didn't get a chance to come you missed out on a GREAT opportunity.

Angela and Michelle came back with us to RMH to continue our visit. It is not often that Angela and I are together that we don't manage a shopping trip and Michelle really needed to go to Toys' R Us so of course I was game. (Speaking of which Angela missed Bill's first playoff game to spend more time with us so thank you Bill for sharing your wife). So off to the toy store we went. Michelle and I showed Angela a little about buying toys for the kids (sorry Bill). Angela-You had a look about you that I haven't seen in a while. I can tell you are so excited about this adoption and I don't think anyone could be happier for you than we are. You have always been great to my kids and I know you are going to be a great mom! We wish we could be closer to you during this time. Bill-Hope your game went well. I know you are as excited as Angela and again we know by how you treat our kids that you will be a great daddy. Thank you both for all you continue to do for us. Michelle-thanks for the shirt. I needed long sleeves. I had a great time today. Maybe you will get a chance to bring Will up some time, I know Stanton would love it. Thanks for coming up it was great to see you. Mr./Mrs. Kennedy, Dennis/Pat and Mr. Matt/Mrs. Ruth-thank you all for your continued support during these months. You know we couldn't do it without you.

Things for Philly are falling into place and I think are just about all worked out. It is just a matter of getting scans next week and gathering up all the results to take with us. Just keep this trip and treatment in your prayers.

When Lauren King Ministries comes Shelia often sings a song about an "On Time God". When reading today I found a verse that brought this song to mind and seemed so appropriate for our situation now. I tend to get over organized and try to push things along. Yes, you would think I would have learned by now but you all know how hard headed I am.

Hebrews 4:16

Let us boldly approach the throne of our gracious God, where we may receive mercy and his grace to find timely help.

God knows our every need. So I love the statement about approaching HIs throne. I know God knows what I am thinking and feeling so I have learned to hold nothing back. He hears my feelings and wants from my mouth. He in turn has shown me His mercy and grace but I have learned that "timely help" means not too soon, not too late, JUST ON TIME. His time. This is a lesson that I learn daily.

Thank you all for your continued support and prayers. I can not even begin to tell you how uplifted we get from your words on encouragement.

In His time
Tina

I had a journal entry from someone that lived in New Jersey I believe that had a daughter at CHOP. If you are still reading this website I would love to talk to you. I have tried to email you but it keeps coming back undelivered. I was hoping maybe to meet you when we were in Philly. Just email me your number and I will call.

Thursday, November 11, 2004 10:57 PM CST

This morning started with a visit from Trish and Emma Grace stopping by the room before they went to the hospital. Trish came by to ask me if I had ever read the first rew pages of the book “Grace for the Moment”. Well, this is one of my very favorite books but I just started reading on the day that she gave it to me. So of course I picked it up and guess what? It was exactly what I needed for the day. I am sure you all have guessed that the last few days have not been easy for me. Some things that triggered my mood swing I can pinpoint while others I can’t. One thing I am still completely certain of is that God allows these mood swings and just reaches down and scoops me up in His arms when I am having these days. I heard from a lot of you who enjoyed the thorn story and later I will share what I read this morning but I also got an email from a friend who has also been in the middle of a whirlwind life for some time now (Thanks Mrs. Wanda) that I will share on another night. You can really tell God has been talking to me a lot today when I have more than one thing to share.

Stanton’s counts were stable. His hemoglobin and platelets were about the same. We need his platelets to start heading up soon. Things are a definite go for us to leave for Philly on Nov. 18 and return on Nov. 26. They decided today that he needed an MRI of head as a baseline before they do the treatment so they will do that in Philly on Friday afternnon. I have been very impressed with Ms. Pat who is the nurse practitioner in Philly who has been so helpful.

We spent the afternoon out just starting to try to get things ready to go to Philly. Our time next will be limited because he will be scanning everyday.

I think I crossed a big hurdle last night. In my nighttime prayer I thanked God for the journey. Not for Stanton’s illness, but for the journey and the friends and blessings he has shown me along the way. I am so proud to say that I am not the same person I was 2 years ago. I am over not being home for the holidays. We are going to make the best of it and it will be a Christmas that will not be forgotten by Jeff, me, Stanton or Hayden no matter what I have to do. Thank you for all of the prayers because I know so much of my strength comes from the prayers sent to God on our behalf.

Now I will share the first Chapter of “Grace for the Moment” (you can see why my day turned out pretty good.

Each say we wake up and have a choice or several choices. Because of Jesus’ death on the cross we are free to choose and so I choose:

I CHOOSE LOVE

No occasion justifies hatred;
No injustice warrants bitterness. I choose love.
Today I will love God and what God loves.

I CHOOSE JOY

I will invite my God to be the God of circumstance.
I will refuse the temptation to be cynical…
The tool of the last thinker. I will refuse to see
People as anything less than human beings,
Created by God. I will refuse to see any problem as
Anything less than an opportunity to see God.

I CHOOS PEACE

I will live forgiven. I will forgive so that I may live.

I CHOOSE PATIENCE

I will overlook the inconveniences of the world.
Instead of cursing the one who takes my place, I’ll
Invite him to do so. Rather than complain that the
Wait is too long, I will thank God for the moment to pray.
Instead of clinching my fist at new assignments, I will face then with joy and courage.

I CHOOSE KINDNESS

I will be kind to the poor, for they are alone.
Kind to the ridh, for they are afraid. And kind to the unkind,
For such is how God has treated me.

I CHOOSE GOODNESS

I will go without a dollar
Before I take a dishonest one. I will be overlooked
Before I will boast. I will confess before I will
Accuse. I choose goodness.

I CHOOSE FAITHFULLNESS

Today I will keep my promises.
My debtors will not regret their trust. My associates
Will not question my word. My husband will not
Question my love. And my children will never fear that
Their mother will not come home.

I CHOOSE GENTLENESS

Nothing is one by force. I choose to be gentle.
If I raise my voice may it only be in praise.
If I clench my fist, may it only be in prayer
If I make a demand, may it be one of myself.

I CHOOSE SELF-CONTROL

I am a spiritual being….
After this body is dead, my spirit will soar.
I refuse to let what will rot, rule the eternal.
I choose self-control. I will be drunk only by joy.
I will be impassioned only by my faith.
I will be influenced only by God.
I will be taught only by Christ.
I choose self-control.

Love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, and self-control.
To these I commit my day.
If I succeed, I will give thanks,
If I fail I will seek His grace.
And then, when this day is done,
I will place my head on my pillow and rest.

I hope many of you start your day by reading this. I can say that I succeeded in some of these things today and failed in others. What I do have confidence in is that when I get on my knees in prayer tonight all of my failures will be forgiven and God will grant me greater strength tomorrow. I will lay down to rest in God’s lap.

Trish-thank you so much for starting my day out this way. I love you sister!

Leaving today behind and looking forward to tomorrow
Tina

Wednesday, November 10, 2004 9:49 PM CST

Believe it or not this will be short and sweet. I am trying to get a cold (yes just one more thing I need to deal with) so I am going to try to get to bed early.

Today was one of those days when we just tried to forget about all that is going on. I got up this morning, talked to the clinic in Philly to get Stanton's medical record started. The nurse practitioner wasn't in today so I hope to talk to her tomorrow. I did go ahead and book the plane tickets for us to fly out of Philly on the 26th. So specific prayers that week that he is ready to come back to Memphis then. If we can't leave them we will cross that bridge when we get there.

I then got a reminder that it is National Health Information Management Week. For those of you who don't know I am the Director of the Health Information Hospital Department at Brentwood Hospital at home. This is a week that I usually go out of my way to make my employees feel special and the year that they needed it the most I forgot. Joyce, Leslie, Eleanor, Brenda, Melody, Myla, Jennifer and Jody-thank you all for all of the hard work you do to keep thinkgs running smoothly while I am not there. I know it is not easy and I am sorry that I forgot about this special week. You guys are the best. So after a few phone calls to take care of some work things we decided that we were going to do something fun.

Mrs. Sarah had called and said that she was off so she came and we went to lunch and to the movies to see "The Polar Express". Stanton loved it. It was a pretty cute movie and he loved spending time with Sarah.

It was birthday party at the RMH tonight. We had special entertainment tonight. I wish I could remember their names but they were 3 of 6 men from a group of Memphis policemen who sing. They were AWESOME!!! Thank you guys for bringing a much needed smile to my face as well as so many others. You never know what each parent at the RMH has been through that day and what you did could make anyone's day brighter.

Stanton has counts tomorrow to see how his platelets are holding up. We are praying that they are up from Monday and that he will not need a transfusion.

Another special prayer request: Jake www.caringbridge.org.la/jakeowen who is from Monroe that I talk about often is in the hospital with a line infection. Pray that they will find the right antibiotic to get this under control.

Thank you all for your continued support and prayers. Please continue to pray for strength for Jeff and I and decisions we are going to be making. I know not to worry because God already has it all worked out.

Depending on Him
Tina

Psalm 121:2

My help cometh from the Lord, which made heaven and earth.

Tuesday, November 9, 2004 10:26 PM CST

This entry is going to be lengthy so I will apologize in advance but I have something I want to share with you and so much else to say before I get to that.

I must say my devotionals have been right on the mark for me these past few weeks and continue to be exactly what I need to hear. First of all Stanton is still feeling great. This in itself is a HUGE blessing for us. As most of you know I am or at least use to be pretty “high maintenance” and nothing I ever wanted nor did was simple. Well some things never change. I have spent a good portion of the day trying to plan this trip to Philly. The dates were confirmed this morning so off we went trying to get arrangements made. Well guess what? We decide to travel (not really our decision) on the busiest week of the year. When I talked to the St. Jude travel office we got a great rate on Jeff’s ticket but we had to leave Philly on Friday which may or may not be possible. When she got to checking on tickets for the weekend other than the fact the rate goes way up there appear to be no available seats. Why in the world would I be surprised? I know that this will all work itself out and in the whole scheme of things is minor but after the day we had had it was actually kind of funny. I then realized that I might need to check on the hotel rooms availability since it is the week of Thanksgiving. I get on the internet and of course there are no rooms for the dates that we need. Once again, why should I be surprised? I called and managed to get a room and yes they did not have many. So as you can tell we can’t do anything simple.

Today for several reasons has just been hard. On top of all of the above I think there are some people that just don’t understand. They don’t understand why Jeff and I both need to be here with Stanton. They don’t understand that we would give anything not to have to be here. I often here people talk about their jobs. I try not to get aggravated because Jeff and I both love our jobs and would love to be in Minden and Shreveport doing our jobs rather than in Memphis. I get to do a good bit of work from here so I still feel somewhat connected but it is not the same as being at the hospital. I don’t think people understand how hard it is to have your family split in two. I talk to Hayden daily and although he tries hard there are days he seems so unhappy. I know it is tough on him and I wish I could make it better. All in all I don’t think most people understand the concept of your child having cancer and knowing the odds are not in your favor and you as a parent trying to do the best job that you can. For anyone who doesn’t understand all I can say is that I hope you never have to.

My mom sent me an email today that had been sent to her by Mrs. Jackie Sharp, another one of our faithful supporters who has been there for us and mom. This is kind of long but I feel it is worth sharing and it fit in with the devotionals I have quoted this week.

The Blessing Of Thorns

Sandra felt as low as the heels of her shoes as she pushed against a
November gust and the florist shop door. Her life had been easy, like
a spring breeze. Then in the fourth month of her second pregnancy, a
minor automobile accident stole her ease.

During this Thanksgiving week she would have delivered a son. She
grieved over her loss. As if that weren't enough, her husband's company
threatened a transfer. Then her sister, whose annual holiday visit she
coveted, called saying she could not come.

What's worse, Sandra's friend infuriated her by suggesting her grief
was a God-given path to maturity that would allow her to empathize with
others who suffer. "She has no idea what I'm feeling," thought Sandra with
a shudder.

"Thanksgiving? Thankful for what?" she wondered aloud. For a careless
driver whose truck was hardly scratched when he rear-ended her? For
an airbag that saved her life but took that of her child?

"Good afternoon, can I help you?" The shop clerk's approach startled her.

"I....I need an arrangement," stammered Sandra. "For Thanksgiving."

"Do you want beautiful but ordinary, or would you like to challenge the
day with a customer favorite I call the Thanksgiving Special?" asked the
shop clerk.

"I'm convinced that flowers tell stories," she continued.
"Are you looking for something that conveys 'gratitude' this
Thanksgiving?"

"Not exactly!" Sandra blurted out. "In the last five months, everything
that
could go wrong has gone wrong. " Sandra regretted her outburst,and
was surprised when the shop clerk said, "I have the perfect arrangement
for you."

Then the door's small bell rang, and the shop clerk said, "Hi
Barbara...let me get your order." She politely excused
herself and walked toward a small workroom, then quickly reappeared,
carrying an arrangement of greenery, bows, and long-stemmed thorny
roses. Except the ends of the rose stems were neatly snipped...there were
no flowers.

"Want this in a box?" asked the clerk.

Sandra watched for the customer's response. Was this a joke? Who
would want rose stems with no flowers!?! She waited for laughter, but
neither woman laughed. "Yes, please," Barbara replied with an appreciative
smile.

"You'd think after three years of getting the special, I wouldn't be
so moved by its significance, but I can feel it right here, all over
again,"
she said as she gently tapped her chest.

"Uhh," stammered Sandra, "that lady just left with, uhh... she just
left with no flowers!"

"Right...I cut off the flowers. That's the Special... I call it the
Thanksgiving Thorns Bouquet.

"Oh, come on, you can't tell me someone is willing to pay for that?"
exclaimed Sandra.

"Barbara came into the shop three years ago feeling very much like you
feel today," explained the clerk. "She thought she had very little to
be thankful for. She had lost her father to cancer, the family business
was failing, her son was into drugs, and she was facing major surgery."

"That same year I had lost my husband, "continued the clerk," and for
the first time in my life, I had to spend the holidays alone. I had no
children, no husband, no family nearby, and too great a debt to allow
any travel.

"So what did you do?" asked Sandra. "I learned to be thankful for
thorns," answered the clerk quietly. "I've always thanked God for
good things in life and never thought to ask Him why those good things
happened to me, but when bad stuff hit, did I ever ask! It took time for
me to learn that dark times are important. I always enjoyed the 'flowers' of
life, but it took thorns to show me the beauty of God's comfort. You
know, the Bible says that God comforts us when we're afflicted, and from
His consolation we learn to comfort others.

"Sandra sucked in her breath as she thought about the very thing her
friend had tried to tell her. "I guess the truth is I don't want comfort.
I've lost a baby and I'm angry with God." Just then someone else
walked in the shop.

"Hey, Phil!" shouted the clerk to the balding, rotund man.
"My wife sent me in to get our usual Thanksgiving arrangement....twelve
thorny, long-stemmed stems!" laughed Phil as the clerk handed him a
tissue-wrapped arrangement from the refrigerator.

"Those are for your wife?" asked Sandra incredulously. "Do you mind me
asking why she wants something that looks like that?

"No...I'm glad you asked," Phil replied. " Four years ago my wife and I
nearly divorced. After forty years, we were in a real mess, but with the
Lord's grace and guidance, we slogged through problem after problem.
He rescued our marriage. Jenny here (the clerk) told me she kept a vase
of rose stems to remind her of what she learned from "thorny" times, and
that was good enough for me. I took home some of those stems. My wife and
I decided to label each one for a specific "problem" and give thanks to Him
for what that problem taught us."

As Phil paid the clerk, he said to Sandra, "I highly recommend the
Special!"

"I don't know if I can be thankful for the thorns in my life." Sandra
said to the clerk. "It's all too... fresh."

"Well," the clerk replied carefully, "my experience has shown me that
thorns make roses more precious. We treasure God's providential care
more during trouble than at any other time. Remember, it was a crown of
thorns that Jesus wore so we might know His love. Don't resent the
thorns."

Tears rolled down Sandra's cheeks. For the first time since the accident,
she loosened her grip on resentment. "I'll take those twelve long-stemmed
thorns, please," she managed to choke out.

"I hoped you would," said the clerk gently. "I'll have them ready in a
minute."

"Thank you. What do I owe you?" asked Sandra.

"Nothing." said the clerk.

"Nothing but a promise to allow God to heal your heart. The first year's
arrangement is always on me. "The clerk smiled and handed a card to
Sandra.

"I'll attach this card to your arrangement, but maybe you'd like to read
it first."

It read: "Dear God,
I have never thanked you for my thorns. I have thanked you a thousand
times for my roses, but never once for my thorns. Teach me the glory
of the cross I bear; teach me the value of my thorns. Show me that I have
climbed closer to you along the path of pain. Show me that, through my
tears, the colors of your rainbow look much more brilliant."

"Dear God, we ask that You help us to be more understanding of what
happens around us. Help us to see the opportunity for a lesson in
every obstacle. And give us a peace to trust in You regardless of what our
human eyes might predict for an outcome. Lord, we know that you have to go
through a fire to come out strengthened and shiny...and we ask that You
protect our lives and our families and our friends and co-workers....those
who are grieving, those in pain, those suffering with illness, those
awaiting news from their doctor or having tests done, those who might be
making life changing decisions at this time in their life...give them
comfort and
compassion, love and warmth, caressing and security. Fill them with Your
Spirit, Lord...lift them up and cause them to realize "the thorns" in
theirlives
really do serve a purpose. We love You and we thank You, for all tha t
You do. In Jesus Name. AMEN."

Thanking God for the Thorns
Tina

Monday, November 8, 2004 10:50 PM CST

Okay, I think we finally have a game plan. First of all Stanton’s counts looked great today. His ANC went from zero Thursday to 2500 today and we made it through the rough part without getting a fever. His hemoglobin was the same as Thursday and his platelets were only 27 and we are not sure if he is still dropping or trying to make those on his own yet, so we will watch for bruising and check them again on Thursday. It would be great if he was making his own but it is still early. Dr. Furman and Dr. Maris (Philly doc) have agreed that November 23 looks like the best date to infuse Stanton. The details have yet to be worked out but we will meet with Dr. Maris on Friday, November 19 to sign consents and hear all the goods and bads about this treatment. We will then have the weekend in Philly for some down time. Stanton will be admitted to the hospital on Monday and infused with the nuclear medicine on Tuesday. We then will just have to wait for his radiation level to come back to a “safe for the public” level. During the time from infusion until his radiation comes down we will not be able to pick him up or touch him very much. For all of you who know Stanton you know this is going to be very difficult and will take much sedation. Just pray that this goes as smoothly as possible for all of us. Jeff and I will also be doing a lot of tag teaming because only one of us needs to be in the room at one time. Stanton will have scans next week in preparation for the treatment. I will spend this week working with our social worker to line up hotel rooms, plane tickets, etc. This is something that we have been waiting patiently for but I guess the closer we get it to it the more anxiety will set in. We are praying this is the treatment that will put him back into remission.

Emma Grace also met with the doctor today and she will be starting a chemo called Irinotecan tomorrow. It is an outpatient chemo that is usually not harsh on her counts but remember this is in addition to the radiation that is continuing to do its job. If also appears that they are on schedule to do her bone marrow transplant somewhere the first of December.

Baby Jake who had so much fun this weekend ended up with a fever and is in the hospital. It just seems like this family cannot get a break. They continue to keep their chins up and smiles on their faces. When Dr. Furman asked about him today they told him that he had really come out of his shell a little bit but then they explained that he had been hanging out with Stanton and Emma Grace and he said if anyone could do it those two could. I am not sure what he is talking about. My little angel baby being a little wild? Hang in there Don and Staci I know you all are getting tired. It will all be worth it in the end.

We had a great group come fix supper for us tonight, Delta Kappa Gamma. It was great homemade vegetables and homemade rolls that melted in your mouth.

I understand that my little sister entertained Barney while he is in Minden tonight. She picked up Cotton’s chicken (which is Stanton’s absolute favorite) because we had all told him he just had to try it. She then had to take it one step further and cook beans and mashed potatoes, I guess just trying to prove that at least one Miller girl could cook. Thanks Jamie and Scotty for taking care of our extended family.

We have another friend Madeline who also has neuroblastoma who is really having a tough time. I ask that you add her to your prayer list. I know it is getting long but these kids just touch your heart in a way that I can’t explain.. Her website is www.caringbridge.org/tn/madelynbeamon.

I have had some great devotionals the last few days and have trouble deciding exactly what to share so you get to hear what is on my heart at the moment. If at any time someone has something that they are having a hard time with please feel free to email me and I would love to research and put a devotional on here that might help someone else. I tend to focus mine on trials.

A couple of nights ago I wrote about happiness versus contentment. This has been a subject that has really been on my mind a lot lately. After reading about contentment I realized that this is still a concept that I have some difficulty with. I do feel anchored in God and the faith that I have in Him. I know the journey is not in vain and I know that there really is no way to lose the battle. I am just not to the point that I can thank God for Stanton being sick. I think if it were me I would be there. The blessings have been so numerous and I cannot imagine life without some of the people that have become a part of my life because of this journey. So while I thank God daily for the blessings I am still not able to thank him for Stanton being sick. When I picked up my “Quiet Moments of Hope for Moms” the next chapter was titled “Contentment. Anyone that doesn’t think God has His ways of talking to us really needs to rethink their relationship with Him. I am not going to share the whole chapter with you but it was GREAT and definitely something that I needed to read. The last day started with a prayer that has always been a favorite of mine, being the obsessive compulsive person that I am. It is the serenity prayer:

God grant me the serenity to accept the things that I cannot change, courage to change the things I can, and wisdom to know the difference.

There are some things in life that we cannot change. What do you do with those situations? We may not have control of the situation but we can choose the attitude of our heart. We learn that contentment will be directly proportional to our trust in God. If we have little trust we find little contentment, if we have great trust we will have great contentment. “Long-term contentment in our soul is not a matter of situation-it is a matter of trust in God.

If I have learned nothing else through our trials it is that the only place to put my faith and trust is in God. Without this I would never be able to make it through each day. I also have a great concern and responsibility for those people who may be facing a trial very similar to ours or one entirely different that do not know the peace that this faith and trust in God can bring. I know that we must continue to be the lights that shine for Jesus so that others might see Him in us and want to know where that light comes from.

Thank you all for continuing to check on us. I know by the counter that you are all out there but have not seen many guestbook entries. I don’t want to beg, but you don’t know how encouraging it is to hear from all who are out there as our prayer warriors.

Trusting Him
Tina

Mr. Bruce and Mrs. Louise-Stanton loved his coloring book and markers. It is what he has always wanted. (his comment exactly). Thanks for keeping up with us.

Sunday, November 7, 2004 9:37 PM CST

We had a great day today. Yes, there were some moments that were not easy and never will be but over all it was a good day.

The morning started with Zoie’s Angels cooking a fabulous breakfast for us. As you all know this is a very special family to us and it was a little strange being on the receiving end of their gifts. They brought gift bags to all of the children. Ms. Broussard-thank you for my special bag. Stanton got up wanting to fight with “Cinderella” (Calvin, Zoie’s grandfather). Like I said yesterday, it was so much like old times yet with a HUGE void. Stanton continues to amaze me with his understanding. He never once asked where Zoie was or why she wasn’t with them. He knows. He gave special hugs and kisses just when they needed them the most.

To say telling them goodbye was hard would defiantly be an understatement. Not to mention daddy decided that at that same moment would be the time that they needed to leave as well. I guess at least I only had to cry over goodbyes once today. Mom/Dad-once again thank you for continuing to faithfully come and do whatever it is that we need, especially just some away time. Hayden-thanks for continuing to understand. I know this is not easy on you.

After everyone left I needed some quiet time. I came back and had my little meltdown. I then decided it was time for me to read the story on the plaque they brought for Zoie. It was an account of her story of angels. She always had an incredible story and I am thankful to have gotten my own copy. I want to share the last paragraph of this memorial because it shared a small portion of how special Zoie was.

“Zoie was only 4 but taught a lot of people about life. She lived life to the fullest and never hesitated to tell others how she felt. That’s what drew others to her, her sweet spirit, and ability to love everyone regardless of their age, race or gender. She loved people for who they were and was a good friend. Live life the way Zoie did.”

I will say that during my quiet time I had a hard time with the “whys” and “what ifs”. You all know I am the first to admit my weaknesses and today these would be them. But as I will share later, God had a message in mind just for these weaknesses.

We spent the afternoon with Trish, Nana, and the Raborn’s (including Mo). For those of you who haven’t seen them Trish is making Hemp necklaces with a St. Jude medallion on them. They are so cool and the project seems to be addictive. I love looking at all of the beads. Well, we got to sorting them and when Jeff started asking about the best place for a pink bead Staci decided that it was time for Jeff to go spend some time with Don and Jake. Jake has really warmed up to Jeff and as usual Jeff has fallen in love. Staci and Mo told us that they had beads that they worked on and wanted to bring them down. I just thought Trish had a lot of beads. Mo rolled down a suitcase and started unpacking. So, we spent hours (literally) sorting through beads. For those of you who know me I am not domesticated or arts and crafty so I lost interest pretty quickly especially when we had nothing to show for our efforts. Mo didn’t let me down though; she did finish a bracelet so I could see what all of the fuss was all about. Staci, Mo, Trish and Nana-thank you for the girl time. You can keep trying but I don’t know if I can be taught to be creative.

We had a special visitor before supper tonight. A very special lady named Ms. Vicki had stopped by this summer and brought Zoie, Stanton and Emma Grace Montgomery Biscuit Baseball shirts. We were not at the house so we did not get a chance to meet her but she was back in town tonight and decided to try again. I cannot tell you how special it is to meet and see face to face a faithful prayer warrior that has come across our website and been praying for months for a little boy that she had never met but who had stolen her heart. Thank you Ms. Vicki and sister (I am sorry I forgot your name) it was great to finally meet you.

This evening Trish and I had our quiet time together which is always great. I needed to just run my feelings of the day by somebody and as usual Trish got the honor. We got to reading the Bible and some books we had and when we got to “Bedside Blessings” the devotional tonight was God speaking to me directly.

1 Timothy 1:17

Now to the King eternal, immortal, invisible, the only God, be honor and glory forever and ever.

“God’s redemptive providence is always at work even through the most diabolical schemes and actions…

So, take heart, my friend. God is in full control. Nothing is happening on earth that brings a surprise to heaven. Nothing is outside of the scope of His divine radar screen as He guides us safely home. Things that seem altogether confusing, without reason, unfair, even wrong, do indeed fit into the Father’s providential plan.”

This is something that I KNOW! It is things that I read on a daily basis. I have every verse that reinforces this highlighted in my bible yet I still feel the need to ask “why?” every now and then. As Trish reminded me tonight, when I get the chance to ask why I won’t need to because it will all be so clear.

So for now I will continue to turn each and every moment of every day over to God asking for strength to accept His providential plan.

Special prayer requests: We meet with Dr. Furman tomorrow to set dates for Philadelphia. We also will check his counts. Pray that they are on the rise. Pray that the Philly planning will be smooth.

Emma Grace meets with her doctor tomorrow to determine what her next step will be. Possibly some more chemo this week. Pray for guidance for the doctors as they make these decisions. Vicki-her website is www.caringbridge.org/ar/emmagrace

Jake-His counts will be dropping from the chemo. Pray for no infection or fever. Pray also for Staci as Jakes; schedule is horrible and very tiring on them all.

Thank you for continuing to pray and support us in so many ways.

Putting my faith in His plan
Tina

Saturday, November 6, 2004 10:14 PM CST

I don't even know how to explain today except to tell it to you step by step. The morning started with a knock at the door. I jumped out of bed expecting mom and dad (although we were going to call when we got up that has never stopped them before). I looked out of the peephole and there stood Trish. I couldn't imagine what in the world she wanted until she said, there is somebody here to see you. I knew immediatly who it had to be, Chassity, Travis, Mamaw monkey, Calvin and all of Zoie's angels had arrived early. Chassity said they had driven all night and just couldn't wait. It felt great to get hugs from them all. It seems like it has been so long. They came back to unload a TRUCKLOAD of supplies for the RMH right before lunch. It was incredible to see the amount of things that they brought in Zoie's memory. I wish I could say I was strong for them but they knew better than to expect that from me. There were many tears shed but I think much needed tears. When were down visiting it seemed so much like old times with this HUGE void. I guess until you have experienced it it is hard to understand. We had a great time visiting with them and can't wait to see them again in the morning. Someone asked how Stanton handled seeing everyone and Zoie not being there. Once again, there is this amazing sense of understanding that he has. He never asked where she was. He just played with Calvin as always and then just when everyone needed it the most they all got hugs and kisses. We really don't give our kids enough credit. I think the hardest yet most memorable time was in the meditation room. They had brought a plaque with Zoie's picture and story on it to hang. While they were hanging this, Trish played the piano and Stanton sang "Jesus Loves Me". Not a dry eye in the room. Travis/Chasitty-I am amazed at the strength that you have being able to come here so soon. I know today was tough but like always we are here for you. You could almost feel Zoie smiling down on us today as we picked up where we left off.

We took advantage of grandparents this afternoon and had guy time and girl time. We got back just in time for supper and fellowship with the Pittman's. Mike/Kay-supper was fabulous as usual. Thanks also to the Second Baptist Church for coming to help. The meditation time was great as usual. I got to hear Trish sing which always brings a smile to my face. I am always so proud of her you would think she was my sister or something. (I'll take the sister). We also got to hear of Mike's mission trip to China. It was a gentle reminder to be thankful to be able to worship God whenever we want to without fear of being persecuted. So while you are in church this morning be sure and say a prayer thanking God for a country in which you are allowed freedom to worship Him.

We are now trying to wind Stanton down (he and grandma had a good long nap) and go to bed.

Being Carried By Him Again
Tina

Friday, November 5, 2004 10:33 PM CST

Bubba has arrived. Stanton started asking about his Bubba first thing this morning. We stayed around the room all day not wanting to get him out much. He continues to feel great.

I talked to Sandy today starting to work out the whole "Philly" thing. We will know more Monday but it looks like we will try for the 23rd. I will keep you all updated as we know.

Mom, Dad and Hayden arrived this afternoon and boy were we happy to see them. They brought Neta's barbecue so we almost felt at home. I think Daddy will spend most of the day tomorrow reading because that is what he promised so that he could leave tonight. Eli came up tonight as well so we have both bubbas here which means there should be plenty to go around.

Hayden and I actually got to spend a little quality time playing Scrabble tonight while Stanton played with Eli. I do not like getting beat by my teenage son but I guess it happens and I didn't even let him use all of the words he tried to make up. It was good to get to sit and visit with him. I miss that more than anything. We talk daily but it is a little different when you sit face to face.

Emilie got to go home today. We just pray that she will continue to handle her treatments well. Miss you guys already.

I could never thank everyone for things that they do or send to Stanton. I am so afraid that I will forget someone but for those of you who continue to send special goodies, Stanton loves them. (Mrs. Garland the Nascar coloring book was perfect).

Special prayer request: Zoie's family will be returning to Memphis and the RMH tomorrow to deliver supplies and Sunday to cook breakfast. This will be their first time back since Zoie passed away. It will also be our first time to see them since her funeral. I can only imagine how hard this is going to be on them and admire that they are giving back to a place that gave so much to them. I know Zoie is so proud. I selfishly ask for prayer for us as well as this is just going to be an emotional day for everyone.

Thank you all for your continued support and prayers.

Only by His Grace
Tina

Thursday, November 4, 2004 10:41 PM CST

As we predicted Stanton's counts were zero and he needed platelets. I think it may be a sign that you have been doing this too long when you can begin to tell what his counts are going to be. So, we are keeping him at the RMH as much as possible trying to keep him from getting a fever. Sandy said today that we were really going to try to get to Philly by the 16th. Maybe that means that they think he will recover pretty quickly. It also means that we have a very busy week ahead of us next week. We have to do all of his scans, schedule flights, hotel rooms and figure out what to pack. We will take it though. This will hopefully be the next step to getting rid of the "BEAST" for good.

Trish made a flying trip home today to watch Eli play his last football game. Another great example of a mom being stretched pretty thin. I did get a lot accomplished while she was gone and the guys were getting platlets.

A group from Bolton High School came and served supper. It was great! All home cooked casseroles. The students had so much fun playing with the kids. As usual, Stanton attached to his favorite, Annie. It does our kids so much good to see some different faces. Thanks guys!

As they were having so much fun, Emma Grace fell again and just happened to hit the exact same spot on her head as last week. This time the knot was much bigger and her platelets were much lower. So, she, Jeff and Barney spent the evening in the medicine room (Trish took all of the keys to the vehicles with her). I think Emma Grace probably slept the whole time so maybe they got to have some quality man time.

So, while everyone else was gone I got to experience a huge blessing that I hate I didn't get to share with them but maybe God thought I needed a little TLC. Todd, Alicia and Emilie stopped by this evening to visit. Todd wanted to tape Stanton singing so we went to the meditation room, where Alicia played, Stanton sang and Todd taped. Todd found a guitar and managed to fix the strings and share a song that he has been writing. These two people are incredibly talented and a great team. They sang a song for me called "Seize the Day". It was so appropriate because we had just talked about at St. Jude you literally live one day at a time. The song talked about the days slipping by. When it is all said and done what are you going to be able to say you did with the days you were given?

We had a very emotional conversation about our life here in general and I shared some of the most difficult moments that we have had since our journey began. Todd and Alicia-thank you so much for the blessing that you brought me tonight by way of your music and your ears to listen. It is amazing how bonded you can feel in such a short amount of time when you become part of the St. Jude family. We love you guys and wish you the best while you are home. Although you will be geographically miles away you will be right here with us. Thanks again.

Mom, Dad, and Hayden will be coming up tomorrow. As always we can't wait to see them. Hoping Stanton continues to feel good.

A special thanks to the Chapel Class and Kayla Grafton for the special gifts sent by way of the DuBose's. Brother Wayne, thanks for the tapes I can't wait to listen to them. I imagine we will be having church with the Hampton's the next few days.

Thank you all for your continued support and prayers.

Seizing the Day
Tina

Wednesday, November 3, 2004 9:39 PM CST

Okay, so I am a little earlier tonight but it is because I have so much to say. Needless to say I had some GREAT quiet time today and I can’t wait to share, but I will get through all the news for the day first.

Things started off kind of slow, but got much more interesting. We had the day off so we really weren’t expecting anything except to watch him and make sure we didn’t think he needed platelets. Early afternoon Mrs. Sandy (nurse practitioner) called and said she had gotten word from California that Stanton’s stem cells were clean! This means that the sample we got makes us eligible for Philadelphia so we are PHILLY bound. We will meet with Dr. Furman on Monday to determine when. He has to be stable from this round of chemo before he can go. He also has to have the full battery of tests. There are openings in Philly Nov. 16, 23, and 30. I think the 16th will be too soon but the 23 may work. Here I was worried about not being home for the holidays and now I am ecstatic that I meet be even further away for Thanksgiving. I just love knowing that there is a plan. We also asked about his urine markers they did last week and they were slightly elevated but no more than last time so maybe we didn’t lose any ground.

Emilie started her chemo today and the last time I talked to them she was doing okay with it. When I went by she was laughing and playing. It amazes me how well these kids handle the chemicals that we put in their bodies.

Emma Grace had her MIBG scan today. I don’t want to quote anything wrong but at this point I think things looked “stable”. They will be determining when and what chemo she will start next week.

Now for the part I can’t wait to share. As you all know by now I get ready for quiet time and go to my shelf of books and try to decide which one to read for the day. It sometimes takes a couple of tries before one really hits me but I have now signed up for this email devotional by Crosswalk. Some of these are great and I will usually look at the title and decide if I will read it then or later. Well this one stuck out and I had to read it right then. The title was “How to Handle Difficult Circumstances”. I don’t think God could have stood before me any told me any clearer what he wanted me to hear. This devotional was from Philippians 1:12-20. I immediately pulled out my Bible and started reading. This scripture is written by Paul to the church at Philippi during his Roman imprisonment. He was continuously chained to a guard awaiting trial as he wrote to the Philippians telling them not to worry about him because he was learning some valuable lessons. “For I have learned to be content in whatever circumstances I am “(4:11) he told them. This verse doesn’t say don’t worry about me because I am happy. This devotional said “happiness depends on the circumstances. Contentment on the other hand, indicates that we are so anchored in God that we can thank Him in the midst of pain.”

Paul did not see himself as a victim. His focus never wavered from God. He felt like he was in God’s place, at God’s time, and for God’s purpose. (Sounds like a familiar statement). He used his time during this terrible trial to spread the word of God. Everyone around him knew about God because of his continuous witnessing. His imprisonment had the complete opposite effect of what his enemies had planned. Instead of driving other Christians into hiding, Paul's example of contentment in the face of trying circumstances made them bolder.

I guess this story was pretty easy for me to identify with. I haven’t actually been in prison but there are some days when it sure feels like it could compare. We have been put in the worst of circumstances and have had to choose how we were going to not only deal with it but how other people were going to see us dealing with it. Both of which should be the same. We couldn’t be angry and bitter with God at home and in public give him praise and glory. I think you will find with Jeff and I both is what you see is what you get. We hold no feelings back from God but we also know that He has put us in this situation for a reason and that in His time we will know this reason. We also know that He hasn’t put us in this situation by ourselves and that He promises to be with us every step of the way be it walking beside or carrying us in His arms. I guess I am also learning the difference between contentment and happiness. There are many days happy would definitely not be a way I would describe my day. Contentment is something I am going to have to keep working on. I do feel anchored in God, I do thank Him for the blessings that have come from the circumstance but don’t know that I can thank Him for Stanton being sick just yet. I guess this is one of those little imperfections that I will have to work on.

I hope that the path we have chosen to take during this trial is one that God is proud of. I hope that we are driving people to Him and not away from Him. I think that if you are following our journey if you keep on following you will continue to see me call out to God for help and we will come through this journey victorious.

I am so thankful to have a loving God that allows for our little imperfections and who promises to help us overcome those if we turn to Him. I am thankful to live in a country where we are allowed to serve this God freely. I am thankful that we have a president who also loves and serves the same God and is not ashamed to stand up and say so. Congratulations President Bush.

Philippians 1:19

I am going to keep on being glad, for I know that as you pray for me, and as the Holy Spirit helps me, this is all going to turn out for my good.

Thank you all for your continued prayers and support.

In God’s place, at God’s time, for God’s purpose

Can't believe I almost forgot to mention that the cars that Stanton and Hayden designed are on sale at www.dominos.com. I know there are a limited number so order early. All of the proceeds will go back to St. Jude's. The EBAY auction is also still going on so be sure and check it out.
Tina

Tuesday, November 2, 2004 10:58 PM CST

I know this is a late journal, but am having a hard time pulling myself away from the TV watching election results. My prayers have included this election for some time and I just pray for President Bush and his strength as he watches the numbers come in.

We had a day off today so we got to sleep a little late. I got up and went for some "retail therapy" although I am going to have to rename it if I have no money to spend. I almost had a complete meltdown in Dillard's watching them put up Christmas decorations. It was then that I ended my therapy and headed straight for the car. I managed to regroup, call Jamie and realize that this to would all be okay. Thanks Jamie for continuing to keep me on the up swing. I am once again back on the "we will do whatever it takes" mode. Even though the next few months will be tough for me I am fortunate because there are some families who will be spending the holidays for the first time without their children. I am blessed to be spending mine with 2 wonderful children and a few adopted ones.

Christal got clean scan reports today WHOO HOO!!!! I told Chris that I bet this means a whole lot more after having "not clean" scans. They will be flying home in the morning. Chris has an ultrasound as soon as they get back. The next time they are in Memphis it will be with baby in tow and not in her belly. We love you guys and miss you already.

They were brave enough to do dinner out with us all once while they were here. We added the DuBose's to the circus, although Emilie doesn't add much excitement but Todd is a completely different story. He couldn't be outdone by Jeff and Barney so he gave platelets today. I wish I could have been there with my camera to get this experience on film (I know he will deny it). I think there was a little trouble with one of his veins. I have to give it to him though, he could have quit but he didn't he just swapped arms. We all went back to the Grizzly's House to watch the presidential results. Before we left Jeff had Emilie saying "LSU". Todd didn't think this was so funny.

Emilie had her port placed today and will start chemo tomorrow. Just continue to keep them in your prayers as the beginning of the journey can be so scary.

Emma Grace has her MIBG scan tomorrow. This will help determine her next step.

We are still just waiting on Stanton's counts. They should be at zero or very close. He will need platelets on Thursday if we make it through tomorrow.

Thank you all for your continued support and prayers. We love you all.

Taking One Day at a Time
Tina

Monday, November 1, 2004 11:13 PM CST

The first day of November, can it really be? For time to seem like it is standing still it is flying by so quickly. I know I have mentioned how much I love this time of the year and have convinced myself I will do whatever it takes to make the best of it.

This morning started off with Stanton picking out his own clothes which is always fun. When we left he didn’t look to bad in his cowboy shirt, denim shorts, and cowboy hat. He even accessorized with a rainbow lasso (converted jump rope). He ran into the hospital roping everyone. He had blood drawn, speech and a quick visit with the doctor to find out that he looks okay, they have heard nothing from California and his counts are definitely headed down. He actually had to get blood this afternoon. Barney had signed Jeff up for platelet so at one time I had my big kid giving blood while my baby was getting blood. I am so proud of Jeff for giving platelets. I know how much it means for the hospital. I wish my hemoglobin was high enough to give. I will just have to keep trying.

We got back to RMH just in time for dinner with the Hampton’s, Chris, Christal and Laura. It was good food and great company. We are enjoying catching up with Chris and Christal. You for sure can tell there is a baby in Chris’ tummy now. They will be here until Wed. morning.

We also got to see Todd, Alicia and Emilie this afternoon before they began their appointments. I believe Emilie will be having surgery to have her port placed at 9:00 in the morning so I ask for special prayers for Emilie during surgery and for peace for Todd and Alicia as this is the first big step in their journey.

I want to quote a paragraph from Lewis B. Smedes in “How Can It All Be All Right When Everything Is All Wrong?”

“Grace does not make everything right. Grace’s trick is to show us that it is right for us to live; that is truly good, wonderful even, for us to be breathing and feeling at the same time that everything clustering around us is wholly wretched. Grace is not a ticket to Fantasy Land; Fantasy Land is a dreamy fiction. Grace is not a potion to charm our life to our liking; charms are magic. Grace does not cure all our cancers, transform all of our kids into winners, or send us soaring into the high skies of sex and success. Grace is rather an amazing power to look earthly reality full in the face, see its sad and tragic edges, feel its cruel cuts, join in the primeval chorus against its outrageous unfairness, and yet feel in your deepest being that it is good and right for you to be alive on God’s good earth. Grace is power, I say, to see life very clearly, admit it is sometimes all wrong, and still know that somehow, in the center of your life, ‘It is all right’. This is one reason we call it amazing grace…..Grace is the one word for all that God is for us in the form of Jesus Christ.”

I think that anyone who has felt despair can appreciate the power of these words. I know once again they took a point I had been studying and hit it hard. It was a reminder that Grace does not take away our problems but God comes alongside of us while we are in the midst of it and He promises to restore us, making us “strong, firm and steadfast” So many people say “I don’t know how you do it”. Some days I feel like saying neither do I but the statement that no matter what is going on in the realm of my life, what is in the center in my life is ALL RIGHT. We are blessed to serve a God that can make our lives ALL RIGHT.

Please pray specific prayers for Stanton to keep infections from coming while his counts are down.

Only By His Grace
Tina

Special prayer request: Dr. Phillip’s nephew has been in the hospital for several days with no certain diagnosis. They will be flying him to Dallas Children’s Hospital tomorrow morning. Pray for safe travel and wisdom for the doctors to figure out what is going on.

Sunday, October 31, 2004 10:28 PM CST

Happy Halloween! Hope everyone had a great day. Our morning started out with church in the Hampton’s room. I guess we were true “bedside Baptists”. There church had called in and via speakerphone we were able to worship with them. Thanks Brother Grant for the great message on revival. I think too many of us when we think of revival think immediately of an event going on at the church, not something going on in our lives. It was a great way to start the morning. Pretty much like all of us Baptist’s as soon as the service was over Emma Grace said “what are we going to eat?” I was of course starving by this point (all of those who know me know I hate the time change) so we all got ready to go eat. I am almost ashamed to say that when I saw the NASCAR race on I almost didn’t go. Yes, I guess you would call me a fan now. Can you imagine that?

Lunch as usual was a circus but we managed. We then came back for the kids to rest. This evening we had the opportunity to go to the Horn Lake Baptist Church Fall festival. My cousin, Shannon, her husband Todd and their little girl Cierra had invited us to come. It was a great fun way to spend the evening and for the kids to dress back up in their costumes. We all had a great time.

As most of you know Todd, Alicia and Emilie are back on their way to Memphis. I think they decided to split the drive and stay in Little Rock with friends to night or at least that is the story. I don’t think Todd wanted to see our little LSU kids.

Christal and Chris are also coming in tomorrow. They were scheduled to come in tonight but long story short they missed their plane and won’t be in until tomorrow. I can’t wait to see them and Chris’ pregnant belly.

My devotional from tonight is one that I had read earlier but it came back around.

Psalm 46:10
“Be still and know that I am God; I will be exalted among the nations, I will be exalted in the earth.”

I have always loved this verse and it comes up in many devotionals. Before each day begins I give the day to God, handing Him all of the events of the day. This is the time of the day when I feel the most peace. It is those days that I don’t start they day off this way that I find not so peaceful.

When you get stressed, worried, or in such a hurry that you’ve lost sight of what is important, stop-be still-in the silence seek Him, know Him. Know that He alone controls every moment of your day. He ordains all of the challenges you will face and He holds the solution. As you sit at His feet feel the weight of the world lift off of your shoulders

Lord-Help me to see your hand in all of the details. When life seems to be out of control help me to remember the quiet times and to know that you have been and always will be Lord of all.

Once again I hope this gives you as much peace as I found in reading it. It is so easy to lose sight of what is important. It is in the silent times that I think God really gets His point across to me. He may have been trying to tell me something for a while but for some reason or another I didn’t listen.

Keep the prayers coming for Stanton and all of his St. Jude friends. We are waiting to see what his counts are going to do. Emma Grace will be doing some scans getting ready to start some form of chemo as early as next week, Jake is getting chemo as we speak, Emilie will be getting her port and starting chemo, and Ben may actually be getting a break to go home.

Sitting in Silence
Tina

Saturday, October 30, 2004 10:28 PM CDT

Good evening to all. Hope you all had a great day. We actually had a day where we did not have to get up and go anywhere. ALSAC (which is the fundraising arm of St. Jude) came and cooked breakfast which was great. They had tons of things for the kids to do so they as usual had a ball. Mrs. Jennifer came and brought Delaney and Mattie who we had heard much about. It was fun to watch Stanton, Emma Grace and Delaney play, it was like they had known each other forever. Once again the pure hearts of children amazes me. Not once did Delaney seem to think that any of the kids were any different than her. Mattie liked the men much more than Trish and I. Of course Stanton attached himself to her because she reminded him a lot of Hollan with her red hair. Jennifer, thanks for bringing the girls by. It was great to finally meet them.

Our room was a complete disaster area which is not unusual but I had had enough so I decided that if Jeff and Stanton would go have some quality daddy time I would clean the room. They left for Stanton’s “special” day as he called it. (I guess he forgets we do whatever he wants to all of the time) and off I went. Believe it or not (for all who know me) I actually had a great day. I got to play my music, sing (poor souls who could hear in the hall) and clean clean clean. It was a great day of praising God as well as talking to him on a very personal level. I am sure God was pretty glad by the time Jeff and Stanton got back so that his ear could take a break..

A group came in and cooked supper for us and after supper Emma Grace fell/was pushed (not by Stanton) and got a HUGE knot on her head. They took her to the hospital just for peace of mind and she is going to be okay but may have a black eye tomorrow. She may need to be the football player of the duo. Hope you all enjoy the picture I added of them from Friday.

Trish and I had a great quiet time last night and I was geared up trying to decide what to share with you all. There are so many different perspectives when you share quiet time. Well, before I went back to decide what to share I read my Bedside Blessing for tonight and knew that is what I needed to share. I will quote the entire devotional, when you read it you will know why. It is something that I have the hardest time with so it would be hard for me to add much to it.

Psalms 40:1
I waited patiently for the Lord; and He inclined to me and heard my cry.

(Maybe now you know what I mean when I say it was written specifically for me)

“Is there something you are waiting for, something you are trusting God to do, to perform, to fulfill, and He hasn’t done it yet? You are probably waiting longer than you thought you would have to wait. But that doesn’t mean God’s provision is canceled, it just means His promise is delayed. Our timetable is different from His, and on occasion He will say “Wait”. I repeat the delay doesn’t mean He has canceled it, it simply means He’s building our character through the process of waiting.”

Okay, now I know you get what I mean. Patience is definaltey not my best quality although it has come a LONG way. I decided that after reading this my character had along way to go but it is pretty cool to be able to look back and see how my character has changed. I bet there aren’t many of you out there that can look back and see the phases of your character developing. I guess you can say that I am lucky to have seen my phases or the phases to this point.

Thank you all who have continued on this journey with us. As you know all know it has been a long one that will continue until we win the battle with THE BEAST. Please continue to keep Stanton and all of his friends in your prayers.

Character in the making
Tina

Special prayers for the DuBose’s as they travel back to Memphis tomorrow.

Emma Grace is doing great without her paci. She has taken up with one of Stanton’s silkies though.

Friday, October 29, 2004 10:35 PM CDT

I had hoped to have a new picture posted tonight but it just didn't happen. Trick or Treating at the hospital was great! Of course Stanton and Emma Grace were adorable in their matching outfits. I don't think anything could have been more appropriate for the best of friends. They were an LSU football player and cheerleader (except Emma Grace got confused and kept calling the hogs). The hospital was mass confusion. We get there at the same time Jake and his family do to find them all dressed as LSU fans! Talk about funny as they were behind us part of the time. Each of the clinics had a theme and were decorated accordingly. There was much time put into these and much candy. I bet Stanton got 10 pounds of candy and he didn't even get from all stations. I guess if we couldn't be home this worked great.

We spent most of the rest of the day just catching up on some much needed rest. Barney cooked supper and then there was a party for the kids. They painted pumpkins and cookies. Everyone is so sweet to come to RMH and make this time special for all of the kids.

I got a much needed chance to talk to my entire staff today. Thank you guys for all you do to make my job easier and for keeping my work stress minimal. I will always appreciate all of your hard work.

Ben and his family finally got home from Philadelphia tonight. They had some delays and instead of being in Philly for one week they were there for 3. We enjoyed catching up on all of the stories. We said once the Hampton's went through Philly it would never be the same but I guess it will surely never be the same after the Bratton's. I am not sure if they are ready for us or not. They will most certainly gotten their fill of southern folks. I will share one story to make you laugh and it is a little funnier if you know Lynn (Ben's mother). She was talking about how they were running out of clothes and not knowing what she was going to do. There was not a laundry mat near the hotel. Being a kindergarten teacher she has a great imagination and decided to turn the bathtub into a washing machine with her body being the agitator. Needless to say we had a ball with this and have many mental pictures of Lynn in the cold water with the dark colors and the warm water with the whites.

Once again we have been blessed with friends to walk this journey with us who help keep our spirits up. Thanks guys!

Just a reminder to enjoy every minute never taking a single second for granted.

Only By His grace
Tina

Thursday, October 28, 2004 10:15 PM CDT

Today was the last day of this chemo. For those of you who have asked, this is not the same drugs that have landed us in ICU the last 2 rounds but they are a combination that will drop his counts so all fo the risks are the same.

This week in the medicine room has not been bad, Baby Jake and Staci are on a killer fungal medicine schedule so it began to be a race as to who would get there first and who would finish first. On top of all of this Stanton kept everyone well entertained. I think he played football one day, fishing one day, baseball one day and soccer and race cars today. I am still not sure whose bright idea it was to give him a ball (Miss Kelly) but he was something else to keep up with. At one point today Jeff, Don (who neither of which are little men), Stanton and Jake were on the floor playing race cars. Jake was so special he even got to be Michael Waltrip for a short while. When he finished and asked it we were going back to the "Donald House" and I told him the schedule for the rest of the day he said "we sure have a long day at the hospital". We had speech, labs, went to lunch which again is always an adventure with Stanton and met with Dr. Furman. What did we find out? Nothing! We are back into a wait and see mode. Wait on his counts to drop, wait on the results from California so we can talk to Philly. Wait wait wait! The good thing is that Stanton looks and feels great! His imagination is always going and he had many people laughing today.

The hospital was gearing up for trick or treating tomorrow. From what we hear it is a HUGE deal and the kids will have a blast. I will post pictures as soon as I get a chance.

When we got back to RMH we were met by the Hampton's with a very special invitation. Emma Grace had decided that she was going to throw all of her paci's in the river. For those of you who know Emma Grace you will know what a huge deal this is. For the whole story Trish actually updated on her site www.caringbridge.org/ar/emmagrace.
We will see how well it all goes tonight as she is in the room right next to us. Emma Grace we are so proud of you! You are such a big girl.

Ephesians 2:8-9

For it is by grace you have been saved, through faith-and this not from yourselves, it is the gift from God.

Grace is something God gives although most of the time we don't deserve it. It is not something that we earn, it is a gift. What we must do is accept this gift from God and we will become victorious, generous, courteous, and strong. So many people have asked "How have you done what you have done for so long?" First of all it is all by the gift of God's grace that I keep going. Second, I have an amazing kid who is fighting so hard, I will not give up on him. I have learned a lot from this journey. I most certainly can say it has been a humbling experience which is why I guess I love the verse from James 4:6 that says "God opposes the proud but gives grace to the humble."

"Strengthening grace comes to the humble-to those who admit their need." Thank you God for your strength and neverending grace.

Truly, Only By His Grace
Tina

I hate to say that I found out my mom had been awarded Elementary Prinicipal of the Year by reading the paper. So, congratulations mom as always I am so proud.

I cannot believe that I almost forgot to mention that the Domino's racing stuff that will be auctioned off is on Ebay as of tonight. All of the proceeds from these specific items will go to St. Jude's. This is listed in the item description. If you go to ebay and search for Michael Waltrip you will find it all.

Wednesday, October 27, 2004 10:39 PM CDT

Today started off as usual getting chemo in the medicine room. Elizabeth and Karla came by to say good-bye. We had such a great visit. The medicine room was a little behind so we walked over to the Target Party at the pavilion. Stanton loves these and always has such a good time. When he finally got his chemo started he once again entertained the medicine room.

When we got back to the RMH the boys took a much needed nap while I washed clothes and took the opportunity to have some quiet time. I couldn’t think of a better way to spend my quiet time than with my dear St. Jude sister. So Trish got to have quiet time with me. As you all know I will share because I picked 2 books and both were exactly what I needed to hear.

I also got to talk to Brother Wayne a little bit during this quiet time and I want to say thank you. I had been a little down but after talking to you seemed to have a little pep in my step which is really what prompted the early quiet time. I cannot even begin to imagine the emotions you are having just know you are not having them alone. We are here waiting on Todd, Alicia and Emilie for whatever they need.

We had a group that came and cooked supper tonight. They were with the Hampton Inns, and Homewood Suites I believe. We had a great Mexican meal and they gave away wonderful prizes. Jeff actually one a nights stay at the Hampton Inn here. I guess the question is if he is going by himself, with me or with Stanton.

After dinner we decided to go see a very dear friend (Laura Hajaar, St. Jude photographer) play kick ball. Yes, you read correctly I said kick ball. It was actually kind of cool and the players on the team fell in love with Emma Grace and Stanton. I think we could do just about anything with the Hampton’s and have a great time. By the way if you haven’t checked Barney updated her site today.

We got back to find a message from another very dear friend that she had some good news. I was thrilled to call and find out it was exactly what I had hoped it would be. Angela and Bill will soon be called mom and dad by a 4 year old son and a 2 year old daughter. This is a much answered prayer. I had done good and not cried all day until then. Guys-these kids couldn’t be getting a better mother and father. You are going to be great. I only hate I will not be there to help you get all ready. I know you will have plenty of help.

Our church carnival was also tonight and I was once again reminded of some of the things we are missing back home. This is always lots of fun. Thanks Todd and Alicia for giving Hayden a hug from us.

Now to the devotional part of my journal. I will warn you this is more for my benefit than anyone else’s but I have been so down lately and really for no apparent reason. I think it is because there is no set game plan with no set time frame. You would think I had learned my lesson about trying to be to structured. It is also coming up on my very favorite time of the year. I love November and December and the great times with family and friends that come along with the holidays. I love shopping for presents for my kids as wells as everyone else. I know this year is going to be different. I am trying to gear myself up for holidays in Memphis. We will make the best of it and things could be so much worse so I am not really complaining more like thinking out loud. Anyway back to the devotional. First of all it was great to share this time with Trish and I should have known how much I needed this devotional when I read the title of the chapter “The Kingdom of the Absurd”. At first I couldn’t begin to imagine what on earth this chapter was going to be about but it didn’t take long to figure it out. One of the first statements was “God is not stopped by the impossible!” I know this but it is something else to read it in black and white. The other statement that I had to think long and hard about was “Joy often buries itself within despair. Consequently, we must make joy a willful decision and not rely on it as an emotion.” Boy did this hit home hard. I think this may be a HUGE part of my feelings the last few days. I am not choosing joy, I am sitting back just waiting on it. There is so much I have to be joyful for and I am going to have to make up my mind to let everyone see the joy that is within in me and not let it get buried.

The other book I had picked out I was on the chapter called “Grace”. I will share this when I finish the entire chapter. It was also right on target as to where my heart was straying and needed to be set right.

Thank you all who continue to email, send real mail, and sign the guestbook. They are all such pick me ups.

Reaching deep for the joy
Tina

I also meant to say sorry yesterday to someone I was not exactly nice to. You know who you are and I took my bad day out on you. You have been more than nice to me and I have no good excuse, but am very sorry!

Tuesday, October 26, 2004 9:50 PM CDT

Good evening all! Hope everyone had a great day! Our day started with chemo which Stanton handled very well again. We had some special visitors come to see Stanton today. Elizabeth, Karla and Mrs. Pat came up to visit before the baby comes and we had a great visit. First of all Stanton was so excited they were coming and when they got there Karla was her ususal vibrant self and Stanton reeled her in pretty quick. It was nice to have someone else get to chase him around with his pole. It was also nice for Elizabeth to get to put some faces with names as Staci and Jake were in the medicine room. We then couldn't get back fast enough to see Emma Grace. Well of course Emma Grace and Karla immediately hit it off because Emma Grace had on feather socks. Stanton was okay with that because he got to have a little he and Dr. Phillips time. Trish was speaking at the hospital at noon so we all headed back to have lunch. Emma Grace was not real happy about having to leave Karla behind but with the promise that she would come back and play "all day" as Stanton said. We had arranged a tour for of the hospital for them but I guess the biggest deal was Dr. Phillips getting to meet Dr. Furman. I can't tell you how very special these two doctors are to us and how good they are to Stanton. It was nice to have them get to meet face to face.

We got back and the playing was on. Well, first they got to open presents. Stanton now has a Michael Waltrip blanket which I must say he is curled up under asleep as I type. Karla took the kids for a good while and I got to have adult conversation with Elizabeth. Karla-thanks for the break and for being the fun person that you are. The kids loved you and you certainly brighten our day. Elizabeth-I can never tell you enough how much of a blessing you are to our family. Thank you for also embracing our St. Jude family. Keep being the very special doctor that you are. Mrs. Pat-you must be so proud of your children. They are so very special.

We ended the evening with a great meal cooked by Barney and Trish and then a few songs in the meditation room. Music is such a comfort measure for me, I wish I had a good voice.

We had some news today, which I won't go into detail about because it is not specific yet, but could end up being pretty disturbing. It is not about Stanton or his health but about some job related decisions we may be forced to make. We have been blessed that this has not been an issue so far but I ask for special prayers that this will all work out. I will provide details as they are specific. With this news, I once again began to go into worry mode. I know I talk about this often and most of the time it is for my benefit so you will get to hear about it tonight also.

Trish has a beautiful voice and sang a couple of songs which I absolutely love and I am going to share the words of one of them with you. Mainly as a reminder to me where my worries need to be. The song is called "Resting Place"

In my darkest moment there's a frailty to my faith
Worry overwhelms and I am so afraid
But Lord, you're there to help me as I come before your throne
You're my maker and my refuge, I should have always known

At your feet I find a resting place
Where I can leave all my burdens before your throne of grace
I marvel at your goodness and my heart is filled with praise
At your feet I find a resting place

Here in your presence Lord I am renewed
Beyond all expectation I find hope that comes from You
You give courage for tomorrow, your my strength and so much more
Oh when I feel Your gentle touch it leaves my soul restored

Trish started this song with saying this was their testimony. I cannot imagine this not being everyone's testimony. God has blessed me with a St. Jude sister that is great at lifting me up when I need it the very most. Love you Trish!

Needless to say I am putting these new worries at the throne of grace and know that God has it all worked out.

In my resting place
Tina

Mrs. Gail and Tonya-I just want you to know that I am thinking and praying for you daily. No matter what just remember who holds the keys to tomorrow. Love you both!

I am also changing one of the links at the bottom to the RMH website where you can find the article Trish and I wrote.

Monday, October 25, 2004 10:09 PM CDT

Well, we got up early and got to the medicine room to be told Stanton wouldn't be able to get chemo until the afternoon because of how late he got chemo Sunday. Not being a morning person anyway I wasn't thrilled about this news, but it all worked out and we got to get started about 10:00. It did give us a chance to see Dr. Furman which was basically a "he looks great" visit.

I wish any of you who think St. Jude's is a depressing place could have been in the medicine room this morning. He was a live wire and kept everyone entertained. At one point Kelly (the child life person) gave him a football. I think she had a temporary lapse of judgement but he had a blast. Made the nurses a little nervous because Jeff didn't always run as fast as he did. He then started tackling Kelly. All I could do was sit back and watch and think "and he is getting chemo?" Once again I am glad that he feels so good.

I did get a chance to catch up with Staci and Jake Raborn while we were in the medicine room. He was there getting his first of two a day fungus medicine. This family has been on an emotional roller coaster this last week so a few special prayers would be good. www.caringbridge.org/la/jakeowen

We got back to RMH where I had a ton of work to catch up on. Sometimes that is easier said than done as I think my brain is shutting down.

Stanton and Emma Grace were in their usual brother/sister mode. They can be so funny but they can be so bad. In case you are wondering what is going on with Emma Grace, she is in her post MIBG holding pattern. She gets platelets about once a week maybe. She will be doing follow-up scans next week. She and Stanton are going to be an LSU football player and cheerleader for Halloween. It should be a riot!!!

I talked to Alicia today about their decision with Emilie. They have made a very important decision that I think was straight from God. You can visit their site at www.caringbridge.org/la/emilie for more information. They will be returning to Memphis next weekend. Todd and Alicia- we are with you all the way. Please know you have made the decision that you think is best for Emilie. Don't ever look back.

I have a couple of websites for you to look at. The first is the Ronald McDonald House of Memphis www.rmhmemphis.org. If you click on the newsletter link you will see an article written by Trish and I with pictures of the kids. The other website I want you to go to is Michael Waltrips which I have a link to at the bottom because it is kind of hard to get to. There is a place that scrolls at the bottom and reminds you to vote for your favorite driver. I of course have cast my vote and will continue as you can do this daily. I am not sure what he gets out of this except the pleasure of knowing he is the fans choice. I would love to see everyone support him as he has done so much for us.

Quiet time for me tonight took me to many places. I read a lot about the joy of Jesus and how true joy comes from our heart and our hearts must be right to experience true joy. I didn't stop here knowing there must be something else that I must share with you. Of course I found it in a devotional called "Perfect Peace". I thought it was pretty appropriate for so many of us these past weeks as we have been forced to make some very difficult decisions.

Colossians 3:15

And let the peace of God rule your hearts, to which also you were called in one body; and be thankful.

I know that I look to God for every decision that I make. Some are much more important than others. I also know that God answers all of my prayers. Sometimes it is like He is yelling down from heaven and other times it is a quiet whisper. It is my responsibility to listen carefully to what He is saying and obey Him.

"It is the blessed privilege of every Christian to walk according to the direction of the Holy Spirit. If we are quiet before Him, and listen we can often hear His gentle voice guiding us down the right path-a direction that always agrees with the written Word and leads us closer to Him."

I am so thankful to have an all-knowing, all-powerful God to lead and guide me. My prayer for tonight is that I will be sensitive to the sense of peace that comes from walking rightly with God and when I can't feel this sense of peace that I will be patient to wait on His direction.

Thank you all for your prayers and support of Stanton and all of his St. Jude friends.

Walking Beside Him
Tina

Sunday, October 24, 2004 9:49 PM CDT

One day of chemo down, four more to go. Stanton did good, so far no major side effects. He is getting this treatment as an outpatient. It actually only takes 1 hour to give the medicine and then he comes home on IV fluids. We are praying that this is the combination that will kill the disease that is left in his body.

Hayden, Mom, Dad, Jamie, Scotty, Mary Claire and Elynn Kate left this morning. I really hate goodbyes. I think I am going to start doing what Stanton does and just not say goodbye and maybe people won't leave. I guess it had been so long since we had seen everyone that this goodbye was a little more emotional than usual. Mom/Dad-thanks for coming up this weekend and helping to make it special for the boys. Your continued support of Jeff and I as well as our new found St. Jude family means so much. Mom-you said you wished you could give me all of your strength. I just want you to know that you do. I could not do what I do today without all you have taught me and done for me. So remember that you have given me all of your strength. Scotty-hope you enjoyed the race. Thank you for coming to show your support. I guess I probably could come with you to a race and watch from the stands. Jamie-I know racing is not your thing but thanks for coming. Stanton will continue to try to win you over. I guess you will do anything for Stanton and you proved it this weekend. Elynn Kate-I am so happy that you remember me. I knew you would love me some day. I know we still have a long way to go to make up for lost time but I will some day. Mary Claire-I had a GREAT weekend! I am so glad that you got to come see me and I got to have some "Mary Claire" time. I miss you already and love you more than my arms can reach.

Stanton will have chemo again in the morning. I think we also see the doctor tommorrow just to make sure he is doing okay on the chemo. I continue to be amazed at how well he does on the chemo. If only I had his energy!

Thank you all for your continued prayers and support.

Leaning on His Everlasting Love
Tina

Saturday, October 23, 2004 9:56 PM CDT

HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO YOU! HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO YOU! HAPPY BIRTHDAY DEAR HAYDEN! HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO YOU!

Hayden- I hope your birthday has been very special. I am so happy that we were able to spend it together. We love you and continue to be proud of you. I want to warn everyone in Minden that he will be getting his driving permit so watch out!

We got another chance to get away from reality again today, although coming back down was a little harder this time. Once again Domino’s was very good to us at the races today. One could get spoiled (or maybe I already am). Kara, Kristi, Karen-thank you guys so much for another wonderful weekend. Michael actually flew in about 15 minutes before the race. We really hadn’t made a big deal to Stanton about seeing him this weekend because we weren’t sure with the weather and his schedule if we would get to see him. I still am amazed at the time Michael spends with Stanton each and every time he sees him. In the few minutes that he had Michael and Stanton raced back and forth on the finish line. It was the cutest thing. Michael also has been very good about mentioning Stanton and Hayden when he gets a chance. It was easy to see why he is a die hard Michael fan. Michael-once again thank you so much for what you have done for our family and most importantly Stanton. I am sorry that someone knocked you into the wall but am so glad Stanton was asleep when it happened. We will always be proud of you. Good luck tomorrow.

Thanks to Domino’s, Memphis Motorsports, and the Snap-On Tool man (I am so sorry I forgot your name) for making Hayden’s birthday extra special.

I think when Michael mentioned that Hayden and Stanton designed the car after he crashed I realized that our non-reality spotlight was about to be over. Shed a few tears and got ready to go again.

I was blessed in that Lauren King Ministries was here tonight when we got home. God is amazing at placing people right where I need them right when I need them. Shelia/Larron the songs and the message were right on target. You guys are AWESOME! Trish-as usual your song was beautiful. A point well taken. I am not sure of the name of the song but it talked about not worrying about tomorrow, that is God’s job. What a true statement that we are faced with on a daily basis.

Stanton will start chemo tomorrow as an outpatient. Pray that he handles the side effects of this drugs as well as he has the others.

Letting God do His job

Tina

Friday, October 22, 2004 9:30 PM CDT

Hope everone had a great day! You could say our was good. We got clearance from the clinic to start chemo Sunday. We are going to try to do this as an outpatient. I once again hope this is the right decision.

We had to go to the hospital to speak to a group from Domino's that were touring the hospital. Once again, this group and this company is amazing. They were all so sincere. The talk was so casual, I felt like I was already a part of this special family. Thanks guys for allowing me the chance to share our story.

Before we went to speak there were about 10 of the race care drivers at the hospital. Well you can probably guess from the story yesterday how this went over with Stanton. He managed to completely ignore ALL of them. One spent a good bit of time trying to win him over but to no avail. This part was all caught on a video camera. He did tell one driver to not beat his car. What can I say, he is a true die hard fan. It is all about Michael Waltrip.

Jamie, Scotty, Mary Claire and Elynn Kate came up about lunch time. It once again was a priceless moment to see them running and hugging and kissing. They spent the afternoon playing until Granma, weinie and bubba got here. We had a birthday get together for Hayden and Mary Claire since I missed her birthday last week.

We have a big day tomorrow pending the weather. Whatever happens we will spend the day as a family so we will have a great time.

Thanks for your continued support and prayers.

Only By His Grace
Tina

Thursday, October 21, 2004 11:07 PM CDT

What a day it has been. As usual it started out with Stanton waking up wanting to go see Emma Grace. We stopped by Trish’s room before going to the hospital to find her listening to a beautiful CD. Of course she had to share one of the songs with us that had me in tears before we left. The song was called “If you want me to” by Ginny Owens. Before the song started the singer talked about trials in life and how it is not the trials that make us strong but what we choose to do with these trials. You must lay your trials at the foot of the cross and know you are exactly where you are supposed to be. I want to share some of the words of the song with you of course.

The pathway is broken
And the signs are unclear
And I don’t know the reason why you brought me here
But just because you love me the way that you do
I’m gonna walk through the valley
If you want me to

Cause I’m not who I was
When I took my first step
And I’m clinging to the promise you’re not through with me yet
So if all of these trials bring me closer to you
Then I will go through the fire
If you want me to

It may not be the way I would have chosen
When you lead me through a world that is not my home
But you never said it would be easy
You only said I’ll never go alone

I think you can see why this song touched me so deeply.

We met with Dr. Furman today and will start chemo on Sunday. As most of you know this is a big weekend for Stanton again at the races. The problem is it is supposed to rain so I know we ask for a lot of prayer but a few extra prayers for no rain would be appreciated.

David Green who is a race car driver in the Busch Series came by the hospital today to see the kids. He was a very nice guy who wanted to come by before the media came tomorrow. Well, I guess nobody told him that Stanton has his own race car driver. He gave Stanton an autographed picture and he not so politely gave it back to him and told him he had a race car driver, Michael Waltrip. Actually he asked if this was the man that ran Michael into the wall and thank goodness we were able to say no because he had said he was going to kick him for Mr. Michael. I was a little embarrassed but luckily he didn’t take it to personal when we explained how nice Michael had been to him. So, once again Michael-you have won the heart of a very special little boy.

I now have a very special prayer request. I am always asking for prayers on decisions that we as parents of sick children are forced to make. These decisions force us to face the unimaginable. Well, this is the case for our very special friends and I am not going to go into great detail, I will leave that up to them. Todd and Alicia met with the doctors today and were actually given another possible option for treatment. I am sure they will explain on their site www.caringbridge.org/la/emilie. Please pray special prayers for these precious parents as they make these important decisions. Todd and Alicia-as I have said, there are no wrong answers. You must just pray for guidance and go forward with your decision, knowing you have done what is best for Emilie. You can not go back and play the “what if” game. We are here for you for whatever you need. Have a safe trip home. On a side note for those of you who have been checking their site and the pictures, Stanton is not playing Video Poker. I guess you would say Todd is one up on me but I will catch up.

Tonight Jeff had gotten tickets to a Memphis Grizzlies game through the RMH and after the day/week we have had we decided that maybe he and Todd needed some “man time”. So they went to the game and the girls and kids stayed at the RMH and had supper. Things were going pretty smoothly until Todd and Alicia were getting ready to leave and Todd put a toy snake in Trish’s face. Well, she is deathly afraid of snakes and I will just let you imagine her reaction. Needless to say everyone was laughing but Trish.

We are looking forward to a big weekend with lots of family coming up. Hayden’s birthday is Saturday.

Thank you all for your words of encouragement in the guestbook, your continued support and prayers. We love you all!

Walking through the Fire
Tina

Wednesday, October 20, 2004 11:06 PM CDT

Well, today was an off day for us. After the day we had yesterday it was much needed. We thought we would sleep in and catch up on some rest but our little bundle of energy had other plans. I think he woke Jeff up by hitting him in the head and saying “it’s wake-up time”. It didn’t take him long to decide he was going to see Emma Grace and the next thing we knew he has decided he was going with her to the hospital.

Jeff and I got moving, I had a few things for work I had to take care of and we had to get his room clean. Alicia called and said Todd was giving platelets but that when he was finished they wanted to go get something for lunch and just hang out a while. First of all way to go Todd for stepping up to the plate early and donating platelets. I am so glad they did not have to wheel you out in a wheelchair but I was looking forward to a good story to post.

We went to eat at Spaghetti Warehouse where the food was great as was the fellowship. Of course, we have fallen in love with little Emilie, especially Stanton and she is so patient while he gets all of his kisses and hugs. We had a great time! Todd and Alicia are such an inspiration to us. We remember the days they are having all to well. I have had many people thank us for being there for them but they were sent to us at a time when we needed them the most. I will never be happy about the circumstances that brought our friendship to a new level, but will forever be grateful for this new special bond that we have. Thanks guys! Also, anything Todd may write or say about me may or may not be true. I think we have begun the journal war on who can tell on who the fastest.

While I am on the subject of Emilie I want to let everyone know that they have added an appointment to them tomorrow with the neurosurgeon. I don’t know a lot of details, but know there is a lot of apprehension about this. She will also be having a port placed on Friday so special prayers are needed for them. www.caringbridge.org/la/emilie

I believe Trish has updated for all of those who have given up on her. So be sure and go by and check on them. www.caringbridge.org/ar/emmagrace

I have had several people want to know how to get a Domino’s car that the boys designed. As soon as I have details I will post. They will be available on the Domino’s website as well as some of the Domino’s stores at some point. I know the ones in the stores will be limited and it will be first come first serve. I also know that after the race Saturday there will be an auction of some autographed Michael Waltrip stuff I believe on EBAY with the proceeds going to St. Jude’s. The weather is looking like it might not cooperate this weekend so while I often ask for pretty intense prayers I also need prayers for no rain on Saturday.

As I continued my devotional on Experiencing the Joy of Jesus I came across something that I wanted to share. It was called “The Bandit of Joy”. I am not going to quote the whole section but it starts out talking about Black Bart and the thief that he was. It talked about how much he was able to accomplish without ever firing a weapon. It was his reputation that helped him. People were intimidated by him. The next paragraphs I will quote because they are so powerful.

“Black Bart reminds me of another thief-one who is still around. You know him. Oh you’ve never seen his face. You couldn’t describe his voice or sketch his profile. But when he is near you know it in a heartbeat.
If you have ever been in the hospital, you’ve felt the leathery brush of his hand against yours.
If you’ve ever sensed someone was following you, you’ve felt his cold breath against your neck.
If you’ve awakened late at night in a strange room, it was his husky whisper that stole your slumber.
You know him.
It was this thief who left your palms sweaty as you went for the job interview.
It was this con man who convinced you to swap your integrity for popularity.
And it was this scoundrel who whispered in your ear as you left the cemetery, “You may be next’
He’s the Black Bart of the soul. He doesn’t want your money. He doesn’t want your diamonds. He won’t go after your car. He wants something far more precious. He wants your peace of mind-your joy.
His name?
Fear.
His task is to take your courage and leave you timid and trembling. His modus operandi is to manipulate you with the mysterious, to taunt you with the unknown. Fear of death, fear of failure, fear of God, fear of tomorrow-his arsenal is vast. His goal? To create cowardly, joyless souls.”

Fear-I can say this is an emotion that comes around quite often in the situation that we are in. I know when I leave a place in my heart for fear I am making myself vulnerable to Satan. How he would love to get into my heart and steal my joy. THIS WILL NOT HAPPEN!

John 10:10

A thief comes to steal and kill and destroy, but I come to give life-life in all of its fullness.

We meet with the doctor again tomorrow. We are really not expecting much news. Maybe we can get the ball rolling for Philly. We will determine exactly what day we will be starting chemo.

Please continue the prayers for Stanton and all of his St. Jude friends. We feel the love every day as we read the words of encouragement in the guestbook.

Not letting Fear steal my Joy
Tina

Tuesday, October 19, 2004 11:15 PM CDT

Today was a LONG day (12 ½ hours at the hospital to be exact) but we did manage to get enough stem cells to freeze. The next step is to send a sample of these cells to a doctor in California to see if there is any disease in this sample. I think that no matter what he should qualify for Philly now.

The morning started with Stanton having to have a procedure to put a femoral line in to do the pharesis. He got the “milky sleepy medicine” which he loves. He actually was laying down when they started the medicine but he sat up real quick to get the full effect. We have decided we will address the drug addiction issues after we fix this whole “cancer” thing. After the procedure he went to the blood donor room to be hooked up to the pharesis machine. The trick to this was that he really needed to keep his leg straight. He stayed asleep most of the time but even when he woke up he did great as usual. The procedure took about 4 hours and then we had to wait and see if they got enough cells before they could remove the femoral line. They were able to remove it and although he cried a little he still did great. It is pretty funny to hear him explain how the whole process worked today but he seems to understand it pretty well.

During the procedure we had a nurse that stayed with us the whole time. Mrs. Marcia-it was great visiting with you today. It was obvious you are a very special person who has great faith. I had decided that I would go donate platelets while we waited. That didn’t exactly work out as my hemoglobin was not quite high enough. I gave my time slot to Jeff. He was such a big boy.

I know I have talked a lot the last week about having a pretty difficult time. Sometime it just all catches up with you. But, I am changing that right now. I opened up my Experiencing the Heart of Jesus book and the next chapter was “Experiencing the JOY of Jesus”. Think maybe God had something I needed to hear. Well as usual when something hits me like this you all get to share in it.

The first chapter identified the source of joy and it is not something that is based on shaky foundations of circumstances. Joy is built on the inner exuberance that comes from God. Jesus showed us by example how to have joy. There were many times he seemed to have no reason to be joyful yet circumstances couldn’t affect Jesus’ joy-it was untouchable.

You can say you know God without really knowing about Him at all. You must be able to say you have been in His presence to have actually experienced Him fully at all. I love this quote in the book “I wish I could say it happens every night; it doesn’t. Some nights He asks and I don’t listen. Other nights He asks and I just don’t go. But some nights I hear His poetic whisper, ‘Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened…’ and I follow. I leave behind the budget, bills and deadlines and walk the narrow trail up the mountain.” I can see a definite change in my attitude when I don’t hear or choose not to go when He calls. Once again I am reminded that there is nowhere that I am going today that He hasn’t already been.

This chapter also talks about other people in your life and about their problems. Do you know someone who has problems of their own (everyone I know has their own problems and these days pretty big problems)? Do some of those people still portray such a peace and confidence about life? Can you still see a contagious sparkling in their eyes? I have been blessed to be surrounded by these kinds of people in my journey. Many come to mind but a couple in particular. First and foremost my St. Jude sis, Trish, boy does she have problems, ones that are all too familiar but how many days do I turn to her for a smile, hug or a little of her contagious strength. Second would come from “the new kids on the block”, Todd and Alicia, I remember the first days all to well and have relived them as I have watched you. I wish I could have handled it with such strength and been able to be a blessing like you have been.

So, I am going to work on the Joy in my life. There is still so much to be thankful for.

Matthew 5:12

Rejoice and be glad for you have a great reward waiting on you in heaven.

Thank you all for your continued love, prayers and support for all of us battling the beast. You just can’t imagine how much the uplifting journal entries mean and to see so many people praying. We feel it daily.

Rejoicing Tonight
Tina

In my own pity party last night I forgot to mention Mary Claire’s birthday. I guess I was pouting or just plain pretending I wasn’t missing something so special. I didn’t forget you Mary Claire. I love you more than my arms can reach and can’t wait to see you this weekend.

Monday, October 18, 2004 10:22 PM CDT

I hope you all enjoyed the long entry yesterday about our weekend. We had a great time today sharing the events with our dear St. Jude friends. Since the update was pretty early for me I will have to pick up with the events of last night.

Trish and I decided that we all had big weeks with big decisions ahead and that we needed to get out and have a good evening to get the week started. We called and got Todd and Alicia to go with us (Emilie stayed with Alicia's mom because she was asleep) and after last night they may never answer their phone around dinner time again. They truly got to see the "circus" that we usually take out with us. We decided we were making them feel like they were at home. Both of the kids decided that they wanted to be with Alicia (poor thing she needed a break). We did enjoy supper but more so the fellowship that came along with the supper. We have been blessed to have Todd and Alicia bring a ray of sunshine to our St. Jude family. I wish I could promise that the next meal out would be different but that would be stretching the truth. We came back and gave them the grand tour of the RMH. If anyone wants to see I think Todd got video footage of it ALL! We decided to end the evening with some time in the meditation room where Alicia played the piano while we all sang and then she and Todd sang. It was amazing that she had a kid on each side of her playing and singing their own songs and they never missed a beat. We ended the night with a prayer. I think I speak for the group in that it was a great way to start the week.

Speaking of starting the week, we met with Dr. Furman this morning. He believes that our next course of action should be a chemo combination of Topotecan and Cyclophosphomide. We are hoping that this will kill what is left in the bone marrow. We did do CD34 levels this morning but they were not ready when we met with him. He was pretty certain that there would be no pharesis but said they would call. To everyone's surprise his levels were the magic number 20!!!! What this means is that we will have the procedure tomorrow to pull out these baby stem cells and have them in reserve hopefully making Stanton eligible for the treatment in Philly. A sample of these cells will be sent to California to make sure there is no disease present before we know for sure. We will still start chemo, we have just asked to wait until Sunday to let him enjoy this weekend. When we were talking to Dr. Furman today we were reminded that our options at this point are limited and with each treatment they get more limited. It is just a matter of finding the right combination. These are difficult words to absorb.

Trish and Barney met with the doctors today as well and I hope she will update to give accurate details. We talked a lot today about how we are looking for the answers and how nice it would be if God would just send down a lightning bolt or something to let us know that we are making the right decisions. Most of the treatments we are looking at for Stanton and Emma Grace are very experimental treatments. Huge decisions for parents. One thing we have all agreed on is that we have to pray, make the decision we feel God has led us to, and not look back mo matter what the outcome. We know we have done what is best for our children. Which is where I headed during quiet time. I felt like I was missing that peace that comes with complete FAITH!

Too often we spend all of our time seeking God for answers when we should just be seeking God. As long as we are seeking Him we are staying in that special place (under His wing). When we start seeking answers to all of the problems and situations that confront us, trying to fulfill our own desires rather than God's will, we get out from under the shadow of His wing. When we get out from under His wing we are more vulnerable to the enemy inevitable leading to the lose of our peace.

Maybe that is what has happened to me lately. I have tried to take on too much and not turned it completely over to God. I know how peaceful it is but still struggle on some days. I love the verse that says do not be anxious about tomorrow for tomorrow will have worries of its own.

When we talk about wanting the answers from God, I know He will give us the answers we just have to listen to him. They may not come in lightning bolts like we would like, but may be more subtle. God has promised that He will inscribe His law- His will- upon our hearts and minds.

Psalm 62:1

My soul waits in silence for God only.

Isaiah 30:21

And if you leave God's path and go astray, you will hear a voice say "NO THIS IS THE WAY, WALK HERE"

I also want to share that Todd, Alicia and Emilie met with the doctor today. Please go by their website and offer words of encouragement. They are still the new kids on teh block and have been a wonderful blessing for us. www.caringbridge.org/la/emilie.

Specific prayers tonight for an uneventful procedure for Stanton tomorrow and that they will get plenty of good cells. Prayers for peace for me as I continue to remember to not only give it all to God but to leave it there.

Waiting for God
Tina

I also wanted to let you all know that a picture of the car that Hayden and Stanton designed is on the St. Jude website which has a link at the bottom. It really is cool.

Sunday, October 17, 2004 4:04 PM CDT

I am giving you fair warning that this is going to be a long journal entry. We had such a GREAT weekend I want to share every moment with all of you who have faithfully stood by us through the bad time so that you may see a small portion of the good times. So, I recommend that you all sit back relax and enjoy!

Mary Alice (ALSAC) picked us up at RMH Thursday afternoon. Jennifer (the other ALSAC rep) had flown out earlier to pick up Hayden. Stanton was pretty excited until he realized that Emma Grace wasn’t coming. He had his mini meltdown in the middle of the hallway and then was ready to go. The airport actually went pretty smoothly compared to what I was expecting. As we waited Stanton enjoyed watching the planes coming in and out. Hayden called while we were waiting. He was in Charlotte and his flights had gone good but everyone needs to ask him about the playroom in Dallas (this is where they made him wait). I would tell it but it is so much funnier coming from him. Stanton was so excited to be on the plane, but fell asleep before we took off. I guess he knew he had a big weekend ahead. We did decide to wake him up before we landed so that we could prevent another meltdown. We arrived in Charlotte after a VERY bumpy plane ride to be met by the driver waiting to take us to the hotel.

When we arrived at the hotel Bubba was waiting at the door. This is one of the moments I talk about often, one that I will never forget. Stanton went running and was grinning from ear to ear. I have to admit I had to hold back the tears (it wouldn’t be the last time this trip). It was a reminder of how much the two of them are missing out on.

Inside the hotel was decorated all NASCAR. We walked under the NAPA sign and Stanton said “that’s my race care driver” (Hope you don’t mind Michael but he thinks you are all his). Hayden and Jennifer had already scoped out the hotel and the hospitality suite and of course where we were going to have dinner. Domino’s also had gift bags for each of the boys when they arrived. Jennifer and Mary Alice may disagree but it was a pretty uneventful dinner with Stanton. He did go through a glass of chocolate milk and a Dr. Pepper before he decided he was going to drink my coke. Knowing we had a big day ahead we didn’t linger long after dinner we decided we would get Stanton in bed early (yeah right!). I had been reminded on the plane that I had to speak at the press conference on Friday and had been given my talking points. You all know me and know that I would have to do my own so I stayed up and tried to get something together. When I speak about St. Jude’s I don’t usually have notes or a prepared speech but I thought I might this time since we would be on a time schedule and I didn’t want to ramble. Thank you Trish for letting me run it by you late that night. I think I just needed your approval.

Friday morning arrived and Jeff and Hayden went to breakfast while Stanton and I slept in. After breakfast we got to meet Marcy (Domino’s marketing). Marcy would be our family assistant for the weekend. When she said she was there to take care of us and get anything we needed she meant it. We were blessed to have someone who fit into our family perfectly to spend this great weekend with. (Marcy-sorry but you really have to be crazy to fit into our family) We loaded up and headed for the photo shoot of the new car and Michael Waltrip. They wanted Stanton to have a minute to warm up to the surroundings before Michael got there. This was also the first time we had seen the actual car that they had designed. I had to say that once again I had to choke back tears, more because of WHY we were there (St. Jude’s) than how we had gotten there. It didn’t take Stanton long to warm up and as usual the Domino’s crew was wonderful and patient with him. They got some great shots of the boys and the car before Michael got there. When Stanton heard that Michael was there he immediately wanted to go find him. Just as before he was a little shy but Michael is so good with him that it didn’t take long for him to be his normal self. Stanton was such a trooper and did anything that they asked him to, including a wardrobe change. I can’t wait to see the pictures. I want a picture of Michael kissing him on the head but Stanton moves away to quick. So, how cool is this, I am at a photo shoot with Michael Waltrip with a car that was designed by my children? Cool, but not the coolest.

Stanton got hungry and of course they were delivering Domino’s pizza but when they came there was no “cheese pizza”. It took Stanton all of less than a minute to pull Mr. Mack (A Domino’s franchise owner who does the pizza at the track) into “his” world. He told Stanton that he could come to the store later and make his own pizza. Stanton can tell you exactly what he said he could do, like swim in the cheese and throw the dough in the air. Once again, when someone from Domino’s speaks we should pay attention because they mean what they say.

Before we could do this we had to make a flying trip to the hotel to pick up medicine while Mrs. Marcy went in search of a sippy cup (yes, I forgot them). This was to be downtime but we had to get back to the track for the press conference.

When we got back to the track we had to go through credentialing (I knew nothing about this) which was a circus. After a lot of back and forth we got it all straight. I did not bring my license with me (I was not going to be driving) but once again the Domino’s people took care of me. We were supposed to get to practice the press conference which for an obsessive compulsive person like me is pretty important but that did not happen. I am happy to say that the press conference went well despite no practice. Ken (Domino’s), and Michael both spoke straight from the heart. Stanton was in the front row with Jeff and Hayden squirming trying to get down. Michael said “let him come” so here he comes. I am in a director’s chair trying to figure out how I am going to get down gracefully, then here comes Stanton in my lap so I have to get both of us out gracefully. I managed to fight back tears and get out of the chair. We all got to unveil the new car for the first time and I have to say, this was a neat experience.

Now for the pizza making. Mack comes back with a shirt and name tag for Hayden and Stanton and we headed for the pizza store. Talk about it all being about him. Stanton was center stage while he made his pizza. Mr. Scott was so patient and Stanton was a pretty good pizza maker. He got to put as much cheese as he wanted and then eat it when he got finished. Pretty tough life, make your own pizza, grab you a drink, and ride around in a wagon while you eat it. Hayden got to make his own pizza as well. I’m thinking that should count as some experience for a job.

By this time some of the drivers from the Nextel series are running the track and Stanton is loving every minute of it. He never complained of the noise or anything. We still have a big night ahead and Stanton has yet to take a nap and has been perfect.

Before the Bush series race Hayden, Stanton and Mary Alice accepted a check on stage before the boys got to walk out on stage with Michael Waltrip during driver introductions. Yes, you read right they walked out when he was introduced. Still not the coolest. They then got to ride in the back of the truck with Michael as they made a lap around the track. Hayden was telling us all about this and how nice Michael was and how much Stanton liked him. By the time they got back around to us Stanton was popping up and down waving at the crowd. If you ask Stanton what his favorite part of the weekend was he will first say “loving my bubba” and then grin real big and say “riding in the truck with Michael Waltrips”. Too cute!!!! They dropped the boys off to us right as they pulled into pit row.

Next, it is off to the suite where we would watch the race. Stanton was hilarious and made many new friends as he cheered very loud for “his race car driver”. They continued to spoil him/us by catering to our every need. We never dreamed that Stanton would stay the entire race but he wouldn’t leave until it was over. We actually got out of the track pretty smoothly or so we learned it was smooth after Saturday night. Okay, so we have been going strong all day, Stanton has had about a 15 minute power nap; he should be asleep in the car on the way home (yeah right). He was up until we forced him to come to bed playing, you guessed it, “Michael Waltrips” race cars.

We got to sleep in on Saturday and really just expected to go hang out at the track, look at some of the shops and visit with the Domino’s people. Domino’s and Michael had other ideas. Marcy called and said “We are going to leave a little early so you can go meet Buffy (Michael’s wife)”. I was very excited because I knew how special she must be to invite us to the motor coach to visit. I can not imagine being in the spot light so much. We got to the track, picked up or golf cart (I forgot to mention we didn’t have to walk we were driven on a golf cart everywhere that we went) and headed off to the section of the infield where the drivers park their motor coaches. Buffy welcomed us in and like everyone that we have encountered during this experience was very sincere in here concern about Stanton. We also got to meet Macy (one of their daughters). She and Stanton were both pretty shy but they ended up talking a little bit. While we were their Michael came in. I guess I wasn’t expecting this. If I was getting ready for a race like that I don’t think I would want a bunch of people in my house. He again did not seem phased and continued to make us all feel special. Okay, so I would say this was the coolest for me. So many celebrities that we see would have never taken the time that the Waltrip’s have to make this weekend so special. It is great to see the family atmosphere that they portray.

We then just spent the afternoon hanging out. We ended up at the Domino’s hospitality tent for the Michael meet and greet, snacks, a pit and garage tour and then supper. The boys couldn’t go into the garage area so they spent some quality time with Mrs. Marcy.

Next it was off to the Coca Cola suite again to watch the Nextel race. We had front row seats in the suite. We also had the radios so that we could listen to the drivers talk to their pit crew. Stanton once again was cheering “his race car driver” and there was no doubt who that was. Stanton had watched Michael go to the garage after some car trouble but when the race was over he was crying and we couldn’t figure out why. We then figured out he was upset that Michael didn’t win. He has most definitely been pulled into the “Michael Waltrips” world. Once again we never dreamed he would stay for the whole race but he did.

We left and it was pretty cold. Not to fear, Mrs. Marcy knew I was not prepared so she had gone and gotten us all sweatshirts, hats and gloves. They had pulled the cart close so we didn’t have to walk. I must say this would be where the fun began. It is late, there are people everywhere and we are looking for our car that someone else has parked and Marcy is the only one with directions. Jeff did point out that we were much luckier than the man that we hit. (he was really okay it just skimmed his leg). The funny thing was Marcy was running over people in the front and Mary Alice and Jennifer were apologizing in the back. We laughed so hard for I know 10 minutes straight. We got lost, we got found and we got lost again. We finally find the car by setting off the alarm and Marcy drives right by it through traffic before we tell her that she has past it. I haven’t mentioned yet that although Marcy is a great driver (okay so that is debatable) she can’t get the cart in reverse. We all load up in the car while Marcy takes the cart back. It takes us a couple of hours to get out of the track. Once again, Marcy does good with directions (okay so that is debatable also) until they won’t let her turn the direction that she wants to turn. We should have just listened to the drunk guy giving instructions I guess. We arrived back at the hotel sometime right before 2 a.m. (Not to worry Stanton has been asleep since we sat on the golf cart). We headed upstairs to pack and try to get some rest.

I know that this entry does not quite do the weekend justice but I think you will get the idea that we had a great time.

Today was the hard part. Getting back to reality. I can’t tell you how nice it was to be away living in some kind of fantasy world. It is like our life at St. Jude didn’t exist even if only for a short while. I also can’t tell you how much our family needed this break. The goodbyes were hard. I think we have found some friends that will not be forgotten. Who would have ever thought that a coloring contest would end this way?

I am going to attempt to say some thank you’s but please don’t be offended if I don’t mention your name, I could never remember them all.

Domino’s Pizza-how in the world could we begin to thank you for the weekend we had. You took a family that has been through so much in 2 years and made us feel so special. We are a little spoiled after this weekend. Your partnership with St. Jude’s is fabulous for the hospital and for those of us who are so dependent on the research and treatment provided here. I meant it when I said “thank you for helping to keep our hope alive.”.

Michael Waltrip-once again you have gone above and beyond what we could have ever imagined. You made this entire weekend special. Stanton doesn’t make friends easy. He is generally pretty shy but you have a special place in his heart. I think I will be hearing your name for weeks to come. I admire you for all that you do and can’t thank you enough for what you have done for us as well as St. Jude’s. I have to say that after meeting you I can’t help but be a fan.

Buffy and Macy-thank you for allowing us into your home. Buffy-you were so sincere in our conversation. I am so thankful for the opportunity to meet you. Thank you for being such a special person.

Marcy-we had a GREAT time. They couldn’t have hand-picked someone better for our family to spend the weekend with. You helped make memories that will never be forgotten. Please let us know if there is ever anything we can do for you. Saying goodbye to you was pretty hard today.

Mary Alice and Jennifer-thank you for going with us this weekend. I hope you guys had as much fun as we did. We love doing anything we can to help the hospital and are happy to any time.

Mack-making pizzas was definitely a highlight of the weekend. Thank you for allowing Stanton and Hayden this opportunity. Your staff was so patient to let them come in. Once again, memories that will never be forgotten. Mr. Scott you are the pizza master. Thanks for being so patient and kind. The jacket came in very handy but Stanton was worried about getting it back to you. I hope you got it.

To everyone that had any part of this weekend-Thank you from the bottom of our hearts. We needed it more than you can know and enjoyed it more than we could say.

This weekend was great but for those of you who don’t know our fun will continue into next weekend. Michael will be driving the car that they designed in the Sam’s town 250 Saturday night. This will be another big day for us and St. Jude’s. Be on the lookout because there will be a full page ad in USA Today from this weekend.

As much fun as we had, it is back to reality. We will meet with Dr. Furman tomorrow to determine what our next step. Please pray for guidance for Dr. Furman as well as Jeff and I as we make the upcoming decisions.

Thanks again to all
Tina

Friday, October 15, 2004 3:48 PM CDT

Just wanted to let everyone know that we are at the race track having a BLAST! Can't wait to tell the whole story.

Love
Tina

Wednesday, October 13, 2004 11:25 PM CDT

If you were to ask me to describe my day I would describe it as a roller coaster ride. I am going to try my best to put today and my emotions into words just to give you a little insight.

Jeff and Stanton went to the hospital as usual to do his morning labs. This time he couldn't eat just by some chance his CD34 levels were high enough to do the procedure.

At St. Jude today was the Hancock Fabric Quilt of Dreams give away and check presentation. So, Stanton and I loaded up with Trish and Emma Grace went back to the hospital for the presentation and to say thank you to all of the Hancock employees that make this promotion so successful and of course for him to pick out his quilt (which in itself was an ordeal). There were so many cute quilts to choose from and of course the ones I liked he didn't. He really wanted a race car one but they handed him one and he said "thats not Michael Waltrip's, I can't have that". I guess you have a new diehard fan Mr. Waltrip. Hancock Fabrics is a HUGE supporter of St. Jude and it was nice to see the people that were involved and how the hospital had touched their lives.

From here I decided to go check on his counts because he is screaming I AM HUNGRY! This was about 11:00 and they had no counts back yet. The original word was that if he might mobilize over the weekend they really might want us to stay around just in case. Well, I have to say my heart sank because this weekend is a much needed break for the 4 of us and we had really gotten pretty excited about it to cancel it on a "maybe". I went to the bone marrow clinic still trying to find out the CD34 level so he could eat. Mrs. Wendy was so helpful in getting the information as fast as she could and by about 12:30 we got the word that his levels were 10 and he could eat. She also said she would call with the next step.

I was down in the office area of the RMH when the house manager came and said Jeff needs you in the room. I couldn't imagine what he needed. Stanton was Emma Grace's room asleep (they were so cute). When I got to the room and looked at his face I knew something wasn't quite right. He said that Dr. Furman had just called and had gotten the biopsy results. I hate even having to type these words but his biopsies showed involvement in the bone marrow on both sides with one side worse than the other. He told us that the chances of us getting enough stem cells to qualify for Philly was slim to none right now. He talked to Dr. Hale and called me back. His exact words were "Go have fun this weekend. Enjoy yourselves and we will talk Monday about the next step." I tried so hard to be strong but it just didn't come. Instead I got VERY ANGRY! But then again, I got what we wanted (the trip) just not how I wanted it. Don't get me wrong, I knew this was a possiblity and I am still thankful that there are still options. So, we are going to go to Charlotte tomorrow with a full weekend planned. We are leaving the cancer here and are going to have a GREAT family weekend.

While all of this is going on and I am having complete meltdown, I am continuing to say to myself (yes, I am talking to myself. Some of my other personalities I enjoy talking to) "you've got a new family (DuBose's) coming up tonight, you have got to pull it together". Trish I have to say thank you once again for helping me to stand back up when I had been knocked to my knees.

Todd, Alicia and Emilie arrived in Memphis this evening. I guess this would be where the up part of the roller coaster comes in, not that they are here but that we were here for them. Isn't it AWESOME how God puts us just where we need to be. It did me a world of good to feel like I was helping someone and I hope we were able to help them begin their journey here. As we sat in the registration area memories of our first day came flooding back. I could almost see Frank Morris standing there waiting on us. He was just one of the many angels God sent along in our journey. Emilie was precious and is going to win the hearts of many at St. Jude with her precious personality. Todd/Alicia-you kept thanking us but tonight was a two way street. You were a blessing to me to be able to feel like my purpose was once again playing out. Somedays it helps to see the purpose clearly. Please don't hesitate to call us for anything even this weekend. We are sorry you have to be here but I know you will touch many lives. Welcome to the St. Jude family.

Trish-thank you again so much for keeping Stanton to allow us the time with Alicia and Todd. I hope they learned their lesson about locking you out of the room but I doubt it. It sounded pretty funny though and I would have loved to be walking down the hall when you were trying to reason with them from outside of the door.

We will go to the hospital early for labwork to see if Stanton's platelets are still going down and if he will need to be transfused before we leave. I will be packing in the morning and we will leave sometime around 2:15 for the airport. I will probably not update until we get back. Just be prepared for a long entry as I am sure there will be much to tell.

Psalm 27:1

The LORD is my light and salvation; whom shall I fear?

Determined to win the battle
Tina

Tuesday, October 12, 2004 10:51 PM CDT

Stanton’s CD34 level was 8 today. Still a long way from 20. We will continue to check them on a daily basis but from now on he will have to be NPO (nothing to eat or drink) just in case he gets to the 20 mark.

I decided that after yesterday I needed some retail therapy not to mention Stanton still needed something to wear now that it has gotten cooler. So, off Trish, Emma Grace and I went for “mini retail therapy”. For those of you who know me and my therapy, it normally does not include children and I am not usually on a tight budget but all in all the day went well and the time with friends was great! Jeff and Stanton stayed behind and had some daddy time. They went to throw rocks in the river which is one of Stanton’s very favorite things to do. We all met back up at the RMH where Trish cooked a wonderful supper. The kids had a great time playing as usual, but you could see the brother/sister coming out in them some.

I want to remind everyone again that Todd, Alicia and Emilie will be traveling to Memphis tomorrow to meet with the doctors on Thursday and she will have an MRI on Friday. Please keep them in your prayers as know matter what, the first day at St. Jude can be a little scary. Emilie-Stanton and Emma Grace are ready to have a new playmate. I know you will have so much fun with them. Todd/Alicia-we know what you are going through and the mixed emotions that you are having. Since finding out about Emilie I have relived our first days over and over again trying to remember what I needed the most from my friends. Please know that we are here for you for anything that you need. My Bedtime Blessing book had a statement that I think is so true-Christian growth comes through hard-core, gutsy perseverance. Hang in there, you will be a better person for everything you are going through. Brother Wayne/Mrs. Linda-I promise you that we will take good care of Todd, Alicia and Emilie while they are here. We will introduce them to as many staff members as possible and will surround them with Christian St. Jude family. Please let us know if you know of something that they need. We love you all! Don’t forget to go by and let them know you are praying for them. www.caringbridge.org/la/emilie.

I have relived our first days at St. Jude many times this past week. I can’t believe how far we have come. I want to share my Grace for the Moment for today. A Faithful Father. “Ideally a father is the one on your life who provides and protects.” I have been so lucky to have the ideal father. Daddy, I have been so lucky to have a father who had done and continues to provide and protect me. I know this past year and half has been difficult because you can’t fix it but I know you would if you could. I love you!

Providing and protecting is exactly what God has done. The following are some examples that Max Lucado gives:
He has provided for your needs (Matt. 6:25-34)
He has protected you from harm (Ps. 139:5)
He has adopted you (Eph. 1:5) and has given you his name (1 John 3:1)
“God has proven himself as a faithful father. Now it falls on us to be trusting children.”

I guess I have been blessed to have two “ideal” fathers. I am so thankful that both of them are there for me during all circumstances. Daddy, just remember that what you can’t make better God can and will. It will just be in His time, His place and His will. (thanks for this saying Barney)

Thank you for the continued love, support and prayers for Stanton and all of his St. Jude friends. We love you all!

Blessed in too many ways to count
Tina

Monday, October 11, 2004 10:03 PM CDT

“Whether one is twenty four or sixty; whether one has succeeded or failed, or just muddled along; whether yesterday was full of sun or storm, or one of those dull days with no weather at all, LIFE BEGINS EACH MORNING.”

Leigh Mitchell Hodges

Psalms 16:11

Thou wilt make known to me the path of life; in Thy presence is fullness of joy.

I know my journal entries don’t usually start with a devotional but today it seemed appropriate and I think you will get the rest at the end.

Needless to say, I have had a rough day today. Nothing in particular, things just didn’t go as we had hoped and I guess it was just time for everything to catch up with me. We got to the hospital at 8:00 this morning only to have to wait until 11:00 to find out his CD34 level was 4 (they have to be 20 to pharese). They went ahead with the bone marrow biopsies so we should have results by Wed. What does all of this mean? We will continue to monitor Stanton’s CD34 levels until they stop climbing, start dropping or reach 20. There is a 50/50 chance he will even get to 20. If his bone marrow comes back clean they will be able to do a bone marrow harvest to get the stem cells. One of my meltdowns came when I realized how late in the week he may mobilize and you all know that we have a weekend getaway planned that we are all looking forward to and that we all need very much. It has been a while since we have had a break. Stanton’s health comes first so we will play it by ear and trust God has it all worked out.

I have to admit that I was a little frustrated and have had my share of meltdowns today. I wish I could explain and I wish I was strong enough to handle it all but obviously not. When we got back to RMH and I realized how close I was to meltdown I went straight to my shelf of books and left the room for some quiet time. During this time God and I had long conversations and once again I was reassured that He is with me and will not let me down. One of the many statements that jumped out at me was “Take Jesus at His word: when He says we’re provided for let’s stop worrying. God’s efforts are strongest when our efforts are useless.”

Our kitchen reopened today so this afternoon Trish, Emma Grace and I went to Kroger to restock the fridge. As always it was an adventure. We got back to the house and I don’t want all of you to fall out but I (yes you read right) cooked supper. For those of you who don’t know me, I do not enjoy cooking much less in a kitchen with 4 other families. We had a great supper with our dear friends. I think during supper Trish and realized how close we both were to meltdown so she decided that we would go to the meditation room and she would play the piano and sing from her hymnal. Listening to her sing and play there felt like a huge weight was lifted from my shoulders. Thank you Trish once again for allowing me meltdown time, for offering me the shoulder to cry on and then to reach down and pick me back up again. God knew exactly what he was doing when He sent you my way.

I am going to close this journal with the words from a song that Trish sang tonight.

I Know Who Holds Tomorrow

I don’t know about tomorrow, I just live from day to day; I don’t borrow from its sunshine, for its skies may turn to gray; I don’t worry o’er the future, For I know what Jesus said. And today I’ll walk beside Him, For He knows what is ahead.

Many things about tomorrow I don’t seem to understand; But I know who holds tomorrow, And I know who holds my hand.

I thank God that He does know my tomorrow. There are just times I need to be reminded. I also thank Him daily for the friends that He has sent my way to hold my hand through this journey

I want to let everyone know that Emilie has a website set up now. The address is www.caringbridge.org/la/emilie. Please stop by and let them know you are praying for them as they will be traveling to Memphis on Wed. You can never know how much the encouraging words mean during these difficult times.

Please keep the prayers coming.

Holding His Hand
Tina

Sunday, October 10, 2004 10:32 PM CDT

An early morning once again. I got up and gave Stanton his early dose of antibiotic. He and Jeff then went to the hospital to have his lab done. We knew he would need platelets and they hadn't been back 15 minutes when they called and said his platelets were 8. So, they spent the morning at the hospital and I stayed at RMH and did the weekly house cleaning.

When they got back he was very disappointed. There were supposed to be someone coming with horses and they couldn't come because it was raining. He had a hard time understanding because horses stay in the rain all of the time. We finally convinced him that he needed to rest so he would be awake when Emma Grace came home.

The highlight of our day was to see Trish and Emma Grace pull up at the Donald House. Boy did I need my Trish fix. Once again, I just can't explain the bond that we share. As excited as I was to see her, I don't think it came close to Stanton and Emma Grace's excitement to see each other. There were many hugs and kisses to be shared. They actually made it all evening without fighting. They love the idea of being right next door to each other (boy do I feel sorry for our neighbors). There were several moments between the 2 of them that were so sweet and absolutley priceless. Talk about not needng a camera, these are moments I will never forget.

They had a good week in Philadelphia and a great weekend in San Antonio but were glad to be back (as glad as you can be when you leave your daddy and bubba behind).

It has been 3 months since Zoie became an angel. As I read an entry in her guestbook this morning it brought back so many memories. In so many ways it seems like it was yesterday and at other times it seems like years ago. Travis/Chasity-we love you guys and think of you often. Zoie will never be forgotten, she will forever have a part of our hearts.

Trish and I were talking about all of the treatment options that are available for our children tonight (which is getting smaller and smaller). I wish I could explain to you all what it feels like to have to make these decisions. There is no known cure and everything that we have to choose from is experimental. This is our babies we are talking about. So I guess my specific prayer request for tonight is 1)for the doctors-wisdom to offer us the best options available and 2)wisdom for us to make the final decisions, peace once we make a decision and the courage not to look back. I ask this not only for me but for any parent in this situation. Dr. Furman knows that all of our decisions are based on prayers that we have prayed. He knows we pray for him daily and that we trust that God is providing him the knowledge that he needs.

We have to be at the hospital at 8:00 in the morning for labwork to determine if there are enough CD34 cells to pharese tomorrow. I think if there are not enough they will do a bone marrow biopsy. He will not be able to eat anything either way. We really want him to mobilize as it is the best option for getting a clean stem cell collection. Either way tomorrow will be a long day.

Praying for guidance
Tina

Thank you Frank for the picture of Hayden last night. I know he is at home making memories that I can never get back but it means so much to be able to see a portion of them. You can understand how hard it is to be away from home.

Some websites of our friends that need special prayers:
www.caringbridge.org/ar/emmagrace
www.caringbridge.org/la/jakeowen
www.caringbridge.org/va/lauren
www.caringbridge.org/tn/madelynbeamon

Saturday, October 9, 2004 8:39 PM CDT

HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO YOU, HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO YOU, HAPPY BIRTHDAY DEAR GRANMA (MOM), HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO YOU!

We got an early start this morning as we will for the next few mornings. Stanton had his labs checked and he really needed platelets but they decided to wait until tomorrow. He will have labs drawn in the morning and get platelets as soon as they can get them ready.

I was getting stir crazy and as the weather is changing Stanton has fewer and fewer clothes, so I decided that we needed to get him some pants before our trip next weekend. Well, this would prove to be much easier said than done. First of all I took 2 boys (1 grown) who do not like to shop. For those of you who know me you know that I need my “retail therapy” which has been few and far between lately. Second of all it is impossible to fit Stanton with pants. If they fit in the waist they hit him about the knee. If they are long enough they fall right off and I am not even sure a belt could help. He hated trying them on so by the 2nd store I was fed up. When he did decide to shop he and Jeff picked out the most hideous things in the store. I finally told them I didn’t need any help and for them to go out and wait on me. Big mistake, I found them in Payless and maybe Stanton is more like me than I thought. He was loving picking out shoes, again, I don’t think they could have picked out some any uglier. There was one pair I was so glad they did not have in his size. Jeff thought it was hilarious well, that was until Stanton decided he wanted Dora shoes (they were blue and blue is for boys). You all know me I pulled them off of the shelf and Jeff looked at me and said “those better not fit”. I decided to give him his way for once and just could not get the Dora shoe on his foot. He ended up with some Blue’s Clue’s shoes that were the best of the choices he was looking at. By the time we got to the car I was not enjoying my “hobby” so much. We got in the car and Stanton looked at me with this very serious look and said “Mommy you just have to have a lot of time and patience”. I am not really sure what he was talking about but I am convinced he was talking about shopping with he and his dad.

We have spent the afternoon at RMH watching football. I do want to share with everyone that I did talk to Alicia (Emilie’s mom) and they will be coming to Memphis Wed. evening to meet with the doctors on Thursday. Please just continue to keep this precious family in your prayers as they continue the waiting game and as they travel next week.

I bet you all can guess what I am going to talk about tonight. My mom’s birthday is today. I won’t tell her age but she still looks pretty good for a Granma. I will never forget one of Hayden’s friends calling her they young memaw. Being from a close family this again is very difficult not being at home with her (not to mention Mary Claire had her party today). Our present to mom wasn’t what it usually is but that is really not the point. There is nothing I could have given my mother today or any other day that could possibly add up to all she has given to me. First and foremost she gave me the privilege of being raised in a Christian home. It wasn’t just something we did on Sunday’s it was something that she practiced daily. She showed me what it is to have faith in God. I know that this is where so much of my faith comes from today. She has loved me unconditionally regardless of the mistakes I have made. I most definitely was not an easy child (well maybe an easy child but not an easy teenager) to raise. She showed me what generosity and sacrificial giving were all about. Mom stuck with me through times that she could have said enough is enough. She has been there for my children. No matter what they needed she did her best to make it happen. Lat year when Stanton was diagnosed she dropped everything to come to Memphis with us and came prepared to do whatever we needed. Her going home was a very difficult day for me. She then went home and helped raise Hayden for the year. I can’t imagine having your children grown and gone (well, Jamie is gone every night but she keeps coming back daily) and then have a 13 year old come and live with you. They made the best of it and I am forever grateful. She continues to be the one person in our journey who doesn’t miss a day talking to us. She has even embraced our new St. Jude family as one of her own. I can always count on her and daddy coming up every couple of weekends when we don’t get a chance to come home. I guess I could go on and on. Mom-happy birthday! Here’s a great big HUG! I love you and miss you so much. Thank you.

Now that I am sure you are in tears (Mom) I will share with you the verse and quote from the first book I opened tonight looking for a Mother devotional. It should bring a smile to your face and I am sure Mrs. Gail will love it. The verse is Proverbs 23:22…despise not thy mother when she is old. The quote was “Mothers are like fine collectibles-as the years go by they increase in value.” Appropriate? My 2 cents-I wish it wouldn’t have taken me so long to realize how wise you are. I wish my own children would learn sooner than I did although it is not looking promising. I can only hope my children see in you what I have been blessed to see in you the last 32 years.

Emma Grace will be coming back tomorrow. I don’t know who is more excited me or Stanton. I have missed my very best friend this week as so has he. Welcome Home girls!

Thank you all for your continued support and prayers for Stanton as well as all of his St. Jude Friends.

Wanting to be like my mother
Tina

Friday, October 8, 2004 9:33 PM CDT

It is back to home sweet home away from home. We got back to RMH this afternoon. Jeff and I will continue to administer IV antibiotics for several days. I am going to briefly try to explain what will happen next. It will be in simple terms or as simple as I can get. Dr. Furman now believes that the MIBG treatment in Philadelphia (the one Emma Grace has just completed) is now a good option for Stanton prior to his bone marrow transplant. The problem with this is that Stanton has to have stem cells in reserve in case he would require a stem cell rescue after this treatment which in many kids is the case. You can't get stem cells unless you have clean bone marrow which is why we did the last round of chemo. We now have 2 possible options to collect the stem cells. 1) a method called pharesis (spelling?) where they will insert a femoral line and run his blood through a machine that will remove CD34 cells (baby stem cells). Then the machine will return his blood back to him. The big challenge with this is getting his body to produce these CD34 cells. They will be checking daily to see if this is happening. As soon as he has enough cells mobilized they can do the procedure. There is only a 50hance that he will mobilize so plan B is to do a bone marrow biopsy. If the biopsies and special stains come back clean (his last biopsies were clean but a few cells showed up on the special stains) they will do the traditional bone marrow harvest. This will require surgery and will be a little painful for Stanton. They told us today that it is looking promising for him to mobolize by Monday. This is our prayer as the pharesis is a better way to get good clean cells. We also have a big trip planned in conjunction with the Domino's race car promotion planned to Charlotte, North Carolina this weekend which is pretty petty in comparison to everything else that is going on but it is something Stanton and Hayden have been looking forward to. It will also be a much needed break for all of us. So we are really hoping that everything works out for this trip.

I have no new news on little Emilie (I believe I spelled it right this time). Please just keep this entire family in your prayers.

The devotional I want to share with you tonight is from my email purpose driven life devotional. It came a week or so ago and as usual it was so appropriate.

Marbles and Toes
by John Fischer

My daughter broke her ankle five hours after arriving on her university
campus to begin her final year of college. This is after being out of
school for a year and a half and signing up for a massive load of
difficult courses in order to finish by June. I dropped her off and five
hours later, already in between flights home, I am talking to her on a
cell phone and she is hysterical with pain on her way to the hospital.

That was in August. Now with permanent pins and a plate for an ankle,
she is wired to set off metal detector alarms in airports for the rest
of her life. A few days ago she told me how excited she was to get her
first instructions in physical therapy. Being the physical person that
she is, she was envisioning bulking up on special exercising machines,
starting major work on building back her leg and ankle. The therapy
she was all excited about turned out to be picking up marbles with her
toes. And guess what? she told me, I can't do it yet. For
someone of limited patience like my daughter, this is going to be quite
a test.

Spiritual growth is a lot like physical therapy. Faith needs to be
exercised in order to grow, and sometimes it seems we can't even pick up
marbles with our fingers, much less our toes. But the more we work at
it, the stronger we become. Faith is like a muscle; nourish it and
exercise it, and it will grow. Each time you step out in faith, it becomes
easier to step into greater things. You believe God more because of
what He has done for you in the past. Each new step creates more
confidence.

Just keep in mind, however, that spiritual supermen do not exist. The
minute you get strong in one area, God shows you something else for
which you need to trust Him. And Galatians 6:1 reminds us that even the
strongest are not exempt from a fall. So this applies to everyone, new
believer to old: Faith needs to be exercised to be healthy. Somewhere
in your life and mine, we are just learning to pick up marbles with
our toes.

What is your next step of faith? Mine is not running away from problems
I can't solve, but learning to face into them and trust God to help
me find the answers as I do. Tell you what: I'll pray for you in
regards to your next step of faith if you'll pray for me. (Something
tells me I am getting the better end of this deal!)

John Fischer is an author, speaker, and song writer based in Southern
California. His latest book, Love Him in the Morning has been released
by Revell Publishing.

Hope you all enjoyed this as much as I did. Thank you again for all of the love, prayers and support.

Praying for your next step of faith
Tina

Thursday, October 7, 2004 6:41 PM CDT

As Trish would say you might want to grab a chair and sit back and relax, this may take awhile. The last few days have been filled with so many emotions and I really haven’t had a chance to share those with you or the blessings that God has brought with these emotions. I continue to stand in awe at how He knows what we need just when we need it most.

First of all, Stanton-He has had a good day today. You can tell he feels much better. He was up singing and dancing earlier. He has been full of questions yesterday and today and said some pretty amazing things for a 3 year old. He actually told me yesterday “stay calm mommy just stay calm”. You really had to see the facial expression and hand movements to get the full effect. Monday Stanton started talking about angels. I am not really sure how the subject came up but he told us that angels had wings like birds and came to get people to take them to heaven. Jeff and I got a little quiet as we have heard many stories of the kids here seeing angels. We asked Stanton is he had seen an angel and how he knew what they looked like. He looked at us like we were crazy and said “they are in that book you read me”. We couldn’t help but laugh at that point as sometimes Stanton takes things that we make so complex and brings back the simplicity of life.

Emma Grace is doing great and was discharged from the hospital today. I think Trish’s words were that she (Trish) was ready to go do flips down the halls of CHOP. Trish-I know this is great news but I really think that Emma Grace needs you (not to mention me) and I am afraid you might hurt something if you start flipping so hold off on that please. We can’t wait for you to come home.

I mentioned in an update a new special prayer request that we had. Emily DuBose is the daughter of the Minister of Music at our church at home as well as the granddaughter of the Pastor. Yesterday they found a tumor behind her eye. As I was getting the news of this my heart just broke for this entire family. Brother Wayne and our church have been such a huge support for us I just couldn’t believe that they were now in a similar situation. Needless to say, it brought back many memories of our day of “diagnosis”,a day that will be fresh in my mind for as long as I live. I can’t even begin to describe the feelings associated with this. Needless to say, I have had so much on my heart since this news.

Where do I even start from here. My devotional and quiet time this week has been AWESOME. Once again God knew what I needed to hear and provided that. I guess the first thing I will share with you is from my “Bedtime Blessings” book. It was from October the 5th which was the day we went back to ICU. I will preface this with a conversation Trish and I had this morning. (Yes, even from hundreds of miles away she continues to reach out and lift me up). She was actually sharing with me what we has read from last night. I then told her how much the one from the 5th had meant to me. She started reading hers back to me and hers was not the same as mine. As far as we could tell all the other days we compared were exactly the same except for this day. Pretty amazing.

Joshua 21:45

Every good thing that the Lord had promised came true.

God never forgets anything that he promises. God’s plan continues to unfold right on schedule even when we cannot find one thing that reminds us that He remembers. Even when the most extreme events transpire and “life just doesn’t seem fair” God is there, carrying out his plan exactly as He prearranged it.

This was a devotional that hit home really hard. I think “extreme events” describes our life for the last 2 years in a nutshell. I also can relate to the “its not fair”. A very wise woman has told me all of my life “life is not fair” (sound familiar mom) and I have to agree with her. What I have learned that although not fair, life is a planned event. God knows how are life is going to play out from the moment we are conceived until the moment that we go to be with Him. Nothing happens that he doesn’t know about and there are no surprises. Once again, we don’t have to understand, we just have to know that there is a reason and stand firm in our faith that God has it all in the palm of His hand.

The other book that has been so comforting this week is called “Quiet moments for Mom”. This particular chapter has been on security.

Security-freedom from risk, danger, anxiety, or fear.

Proverbs 14:6

Reverence for God gives a man deep strength; His children have a place of refuge and security.

The security we have in God doesn’t depend on where we are or where we live. It is carried in our souls.

One of the questions was “what is your mental picture of security?”. Well, I pondered this for quite a while. I began to realize how my picture of security has changed a but this past year. As a mother I have always worked at providing a sense of security for my children. I often comment on children and how they do feel secure with their parents. Stanton wouldn’t think twice about jumping off of the bed if Jeff and I were there. He knows we would catch him.

This chapter also talked about the world’s picture of security. Many people feel secure when they have money, a house, good job and health. I must admit that these are things that I would have described as my picture of security at one point. Now, I can’t imagine anything more secure than running into God’s arms knowing that He will catch me when I jump or in most cases fall. No matter what, if we come to God He will never forsake us. That is my picture of security.

I know this has been a bit lengthy but I had given you a couple of short days. I know I say this a lot but I cannot stress enough, if you have healthy children please say a special prayer thanking God for them. Never take them for granted and you could never love them too much.

While I am asking for prayer, I have another special person for everyone to pray for. Her name is Dr. Elizabeth Phillips. She is Stanton’s pediatrician and also the pediatrician for Emily. Dr. Phillips has been a blessing for us from day one. She is truly a doctor who loves what she does and the kids that she treats. I know for a fact that she doesn’t leave her feelings in her office. She has 3 ½ children of her own but cares deeply about each child that she treats. I know that everything that is happening with Stanton and Emily and several other of her patients takes a real toll on her. Dr. Phillips-I know you pray for us daily and I want you to know we do the same for you. I know this week has been tough. Hang in there! You are absolutely incredible at what you do. Remember “When you don’t understand and you can’t see His plan, and you can’t trace His hand, trust His heart.”

Still carrying out His plan
Tina

Wednesday, October 6, 2004 7:20 PM CDT

URGENT PRAYER REQUEST: I wanted to ask all of our faithful prayer warriors to add yet another precious child to your prayer list. Our pastor's grandaughter, Emily, from back home was diagnosed yesterday with a tumor behind her eye. It appears that she has lost most of the sight in this eye. They are meeting with the doctor (infact may be there right now) today. Please pray for strength for this family. We have walked in their shoes and know how difficult it can be. Pray for wisdom and guidance of the physicians as they make treatment decisions. I hope to know more tonight when I update and be ready because I have a lot on my heart. Todd/Alicia-please know that we are here for you for ANYTHING. If you need an ear to listen, a shoulder to cry on from a distance or questions about what you have been told I would love to hear from you.

So far the rest of today has been pretty uneventful. Stanton has not had any fever since this morning. We are hoping his ANC will be coming up tomorrow and they might start taking him off of some of the antibiotics. Please pray for his little body. He is such a trooper and never complains but I know he has to be tired.

I got the pleasure of speaking to the St. Jude Board of Directors and Advisory Board this morning. I know you are all thinking is she crazy with all that she has had going on. I guess the answer to that would be yes, but I hate to blame that on the situation. I think I was probably there long before Stanton got sick. Speaking to groups about St. Jude has also become a source of comfort for me. There is something about telling our story about such a worthwhile place that has given us so much that makes me feel good. It also opens up the door for me to express my faith to many more people that might not otherwise see it. I love to tell them how great St. Jude is, but also how great God is and how He is part of every decision we make.

This week has been another reminder of how fragile things really are in our world. Each new day is truly a blessing.

I am not sure what the game plan from here is, I hope he will remain fever free and we can be back at RMH by the weekend. (Sorry Mom it doesn't look like I am going to make your birthday).

Emma Grace is doing well in Philly. She seems to be right on target of where they had hoped she would be. I know Stanton is missing them. Jeff said in his sleep last night that he was screaming for "Krish" (Trish).

Thank you all for your continued support and prayers.

Standing Under HIS Wings
Tina

Wednesday, October 6, 2004 11:32 AM CDT

QUICK UPDATE: Stanton has been moved back to the 2nd floor. He is doing okay, still running a little fever which cause his heart rate to go a little high. His blood pressure seems okay. We really have to watch it after he gets one of the antibiotics. (Cephapime?? This if for you Dr. Phillips as I know you would want to know which one). I will update more later.

Still Holding onto the One with all of the answers
Tina

Tuesday, October 5, 2004 8:02 PM CDT

Well, this is an entry I had hoped to never have to make again, but Stanton is back in ICU. Things right now are much better than his last ICU stay. Jeff and I have it worked out where he sleeps at the hospital and I stay the day. Well, I was a little leary of leaving last night because of what happened last time but did go back to RMH. At about 1:45 Jeff called and said that Stanton's heart rate was going way up and that they thought be might be fixing to go into shock again. So off I went to the hospital where it was a pretty scary night and we got very little sleep. We seemed to get things under control but at about 3:00 his heart rate went way up again. His blood pressure remained pretty normal for him, but they decided to move him to the ICU just in case something happened he would be where they could take care of him fast.

Please pray that this will be a short stay in ICU and the hospital.

Only By His Grace
Tina

Monday, October 4, 2004 11:24 PM CDT

I know I promised earlier updates but we have been at the hospital for 12 hours today. In fact, after receiving blood tonight Stanton spiked a fever and his counts are ZERO which yes, bought us at least a 2 night stay at the St. Jude Resort. He was not happy about staying at the hospital. He wanted to come back to the “Donald” house. He will be an inpatient until he is fever free for 48 hours or until his counts come up above 500.

I have to say I had to go back and read my journal on fear from last night because the last time we went into the hospital with a fever (which happens to be on the exact day of the round of chemo as today) things didn’t go so well. We are praying for an uneventful and quick hospital stay.

I want to ask for special prayer for some very special people. These people are the family members who stay at home home while their children, brothers, sisters, grandchildren, nieces and nephews are being treated for a life threatening illness. Jeff and I have been very fortunate and blessed that this is a choice we have not had to make often. We are both able to be here. In doing this we leave behind a wonderful son to keep going at home which is so very hard. For these people beings so far away is sometimes harder than actually being here. They miss all of the fun times and moments that just can’t be relived. Please just say a special prayer for all of these people, God will know exactly who you are talking about.

Don’t forget special prayers for Emma Grace as well as she has arrived in Philly safely and will be injected tomorrow. For Trish and her sister-in-law Bev for their strength and comfort for the week.

Little baby Jake from Monroe is fighting a fungal infection. He is spending many hours a day in the medicine room getting medicine which is no fun for anyone. He will also be starting chemo this week. Please pray for the fungus to clear up so they will be able to tell more clearly what is cancer in his lungs and what is not.

Thanks again for all of the continued support.

Thinking I will climb in HIS arms to sleep tonight
Tina

Sunday, October 3, 2004 9:38 PM CDT

My question is does he EVER slow down. Stanton's counts are down, he has just finished chemo and we are the ones exhausted. He starts at about 9 in the morning and goes until we can get him still at night. Right now he crawling around looking under the furniture for monsters with a flashlight. We are more than blessed that he feels this good, we know this is not the case with so many of the kids here.

We will have a pretty long boring week as Trish and Emma Grace left for Philadelphia today. I think Stanton is going to go through withdrawals. In fact he has had a couple of outbursts tonight that I am sure I can attribute to them being gone. Trish/Emma Grace-we are praying for safe travel and that this treatment kills the BEAST for good. We love you and will miss you bunches this week.

It was pretty funny watching him today watching the NASCAR race. He thinks Michael "Waltrips" is his personal race car driver so he sat in front of the TV cheering for him and asking a million questions. Everytime someone would have a wreck he would get so worried. Pretty funny. Michael "Waltrips"-I think you have a new favorite fan.

As you all know this has been another one of those very emotional weeks for me. I go to my quiet time each night in search of words of comfort and each night God provides me with just what I need (imagine that?). Tonight it was in my "Experiencing the Heart of Jesus" book. The chapter was titled Freedom from Fear. Fear is something I know a little bit about. I was reminded that although not often painted in pictures, Jesus experienced fear too. He was sent on earth as a man to experience everything that we will ever be faced with only to die so that we might be saved. I read Luke 22:42, where Jesus was in the Garden of Gethsemane praying to God asking for him to "Take away the cup, but your will be done not mine". I tried to imagine myself in Jesus' shoes at that very moment and how very scared he must be. He told God specifically what he wanted but he also prayed for God's will to be done. That is a prayer that in itself is very hard to pray and very scary. It is one that I pray on a daily basis.

One thing that you notice is that when Jesus was afraid the first place he went was to his Father. We also have this same luxury. I know we often run in many directions looking for something to ease our fears when actually all we need we already have. Take those fears to God. Rather than focus on the fear, focus on the solution.

One thing I think you can't avoid is life's Garden's of Gethsemane. Don't be afraid to enter them, just don't enter them alone. While you are there be honest. Pounding on the ground is permitted. Tears are allowed. Do what Jesus did in the Garden, open your heart. When you pray be specific. God will not think your fears or foolish or silly.

As hard as it may be pray as Jesus prayed "If you are willing...". Was God willing? Yes and no. He didn't take away the cross but he calmed the fear. God didn't still the storm, he calmed the sailor.

I am taking this next paragraph straight from the book because I loved it. "Don't measure the size of the mountain; talk to the One who can move it. Instead of carrying the weight of the world on your shoulders, talk to the One who holds the universe on His."

I think this devotional could sum up so many of my days and I know I will find myself refering back to it often. There are no fears to big or to small for God. Take them all to Him and he will offer you the comfort you need.

Praying for Stanton's counts to be coming up tomorrow. I am sure he will need platelets but he hates his mask so I hope those numbers are coming up.

Thank you all who continue to check on us and offer words of comfort and support. We love you all!

Asking God to move mountains
Tina

Just a visual to leave you with tonight at 10:00-Stanton has his LSU football helmet on (it is so big on his head he looks like a bobblehead doll) running back and forth saying down set hut hut. He then makes Jeff say "Go LSU". Isn't it most kids bestime?

Saturday, October 2, 2004 11:00 PM CDT

Well, we started the morning early trying to finish moving rooms. We finished and are now back in room number 25. The floors look great. Thanks again Sherry and staff to all you have done to make this happen.

Stanton had to go get labwork done this morning. His ANC is 100 so he has to wear a mask which he HATES! Now we pray that his counts recover uneventfully meaning no fever or infection. We will check his counts again on Monday and I imagine he will need platelets. We are hoping his ANC will recover quickly and he will have enough cells mobilize to collect for back-up so he will qualify for Philadelphia.

We just hung out most of the day. Stanton enjoyed much quality time with his adopted bubba, Eli (Emma Grace's brother). The Pittman's came and cooked a wonderful meal as usual. They did this without Mike, as he is in China doing missions work. Please pray for him as he does God's work and for a safe return. Kay did a great job with the meditation time. I wish I could name the girls that sang but they were wonderful. They spent the afternoon playing with the kids and formed such a bond with so many including Stanton. Worship time was wonderful as always, it is always so nice to worship with people who have become part of our family. I think the thing that touched me the most is when Kay asked for favorite scripture and there were several kids that spouted off scripture. It was impressive.

When we have these services there are usually not but about 4 or 5 families that show up to worship and praise the Lord. That is such a small number compared to the number that live in the house and to the number of people that come to eat. I guess my specific prayer tonight was for those people who don't come or who worse yet, don't come because they don't know God. I can't imagine going through these trials without God. I know part of my purpose here is this exact problem. Letting God's light shine through to everyone and spreading his word to those who don't know it.

Stanton had a lot of questions today about his chemo and why he had to have it and why his counts went down. It really does amaze me at the level of comprehension he has as a 3 year old. It is more than most adults. We have been blessed with an amazing child which I think I have mentioned a few times.

The other thing that has been heavy on my heart is the "unknown". I am a planner. I know I should have learned last year but I guess old habits die hard. I know that we are literally taking things a day at a time, especially when his counts start coming up. I know there are a lot of "if's and but's" for future treatment. That is why I continue to ask for specific prayer for Dr. Furman and his guidance in making decisions on future treatments.

I also know that God does have a plan. I don't know what it is and don't have to know. But there are a couple of verses I will share with you before I go to bed.

Jeremiah 29:11
"I know the plans I have for you" declares the Lord "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future"

Proverbs 16:9
In his heart man plans his course, but the Lord determines his steps.

Thought these were pretty appropriate for me. I am so thankful that there is a God who has all of this figured out and I can turn it all over to him.

Please remember that Trish and Emma Grace will be traveling Monday morning to Philadelphia for a 2nd nuclear treatment.

Turning it all over to God
Tina

Friday, October 1, 2004 11:41 PM CDT

Okay, so the updates seem to get later and later. Don't worry I am not Trish and have to have my sleep so I will get back on schedule soon. Stanton had a free day from the hospital today but we had a couple of things to do there.

First, there was a group of nursing students from Louisiana Tech (Go Bulldogs!) touring the hospital. I have a very dear friend who works at Tech and closely with the nursing department so I knew they were coming and had hoped to get a chance to meet them and welcome them. It worked out that while they were having lunch we got a chance to welcome them to St. Jude. I hope you all had a great tour and got to see a small portion of what a special place St. Jude's is. It was great to see you.

Second, we got the pleasure of speaking for ALSAC at the Board of Directors for Country Cares, a progam that raises 32 million dollars a year for the hospital. Yesm this was quite an honor. I am beginning to love the opportunity to share our story. It gives me a since of giving back a small portion of what St. Jude has given us. Stanton, who is usually so quiet during these things and just sits there and eats his chicken strips which they bring just for him, decided today was the day he was not going to be so good. First of all someone called them chicken fingers and he doesn't eat chicken fingers he eats chicken strips. So I take the plate out and tell him I am going to get chicken strips (anything to keep from causing a scene). I bring back the same plate and he is fine, well that is until Jeff goes to tear the chicken apart just like we always do and he goes into a fit because he wanted to cut it with his knife. We took the one strip off but that didn't work because you are supposed to have 3 chicken strips. SO they order more chicken (yes, I know this seems a bit extreme but sometimes we will do just about anything). While we were waiting on his new chicken he decided that he would eat the grilled chicken we were eating. Imagine that, all that and he eats what is there to begin with. He was very fidgety while I was talking, but the beauty of it all is that it is all about the kids so everyone usually understands. Thank you Jennifer for once again allowing us to share our story. Thank you also to all who participate in the Country Cares program. I hope today we gave you a small insight into how the money raised is spent and how much it means to us as families.

We spent the evening moving, yes we are moving back to our old room, number 25. We will finish in the morning. This time was not quite as bad as last time because we really never unpacked. The floors in the old room look great! Thanks Sherry and all of the RMH staff who are having to work extra hard making this project possible.

Barney, Eli and Nana and Poppa came in tonight from northern Arkansas. I think Stanton was as excited to see Barney as Emma Grace was. I think he might get tired of looking at Jeff and I. This has been a rough couple of days for Trish and Barney, I know they are thankful to have each other tonight. Please continue to keep this precious family in your prayers as they continue forward in the "battle of the beast".

My devotional for tonight comes from a book called "Just a moment with God". I read it and as usual God puts in front of me just what I need to hear therefore I get to share.

2 Corinthians 1:20

He carries out and fulfills all of God's promises, no matter how manhy of them there are; and we have told everyone how faithful he is, giving glory to his name.

I talk a lot about how to handle difficult situations. I think most of you would agree that what each and every parent of a child with cancer faces is a difficult situation. I know there are times when it begins to seem "impossible". You have several options when you are faced with these "impossible times". You can turn and run. You can let the problem carry you. Or you can choose the only option that comes with a guarantee; run to the promises of God.

We have been so fortunate to have found friends at St. Jude that truly believe that this is the only option. It makes each difficult situation a little easier having someone to remind you where the "guarantee" is.

I still can't thank all of you enough for the continued love, support and most of all prayers for Stanton and all of his friends.

Choosing the Guarantee
Tina

Thursday, September 30, 2004 11:44 PM CDT

Sorry to be so late again. It has just been one of those days. Stanton is doing good, still going 100 miles an hour. He did have to have blood today which has really gotten to be just part of his life. His ANC was still up so we are waiting on it to go down and then they will start watching it daily.

It is really hard to believe that it is the last day of September. There are days when time seems to stand still and then there are days when I wonder where the time has gone. The weather has been beautiful here. This is truly one of my favorite times of year. When it starts cooling off. There is nothing like a cool night and a high school football game. Speaking of which tomorrow night is homecoming back home. Hayden and his class have been working on a float all week. This is one of those weeks where I miss being home so bad! I would love to have been helping them. I would love to be there when he leaves for the dance Saturday. Just another thing I will have to get over. Trace-thank you so much for thinking to email me pictures of the kids this week. It was as close to being there as I was going to get. Hayden-once again I will apologize for not being there for you. Thank you for being so understanding, we love you so much.

I guess I have stalled long enough. The rest of this entry will be pretty tough for me to write. As you all know Emma Grace has been undergoing scans this week getting ready to go back to Philadelphia. Her scans 2 weeks ago showed some promise and possibly good response to treatment. Well, Trish got a chance to meet with Dr. Santana by herself today thanks to a good friend of hers that I had a great time meeting today (Tonya-thanks for all you did for Trish today, God had you here today for a reason). This worked out good because the news he had for Trish was not what she was expecting. Emma Grace had spots on her MIBG that had gotten worse in the last 2 weeks and her bone marrow biopsies came back positive. This should give you a brief glimpse of how aggressive this disease is. What does this mean? Back to the drawing board, she will still go to Philly on Monday for a 2nd treatment. Then it is on to a probable unrelated donor transplant. There are still many questions to be asked and answers to be had.

Trish-A very wise person once told me that God has everything all worked out. He knew what the scans were going to show before they were even done. I do wish he would have given me a little heads up so I could have stayed at the clinic with you today. I would have never left you there by yourself. I think you know how hard this hit me as well as all of our St. Jude family but like you said, “we still have faith”. We are not giving up. There are still options and she still feels good. We will forever be here for you for anything that you need. I love you and wish I could take some of the pain although I do share in it with you. I went straight to my devotionals tonight looking for something to say to you that you haven’t heard. Well, knowing you like I do I know that there is nothing about faith that you haven’t heard so I am going to share the chapter that God led me to tonight. It is in Hebrews Chapter 11. This chapter defines FAITH and illustrates it through the life of Old Testament Heros. I won’t even attempt to go into them all. So I will leave you with this: When you feel your faith is challenged (which I know is how we both felt today) when you feel threatened remember that “by faith” Daniel shut the mouths of the lions and you can too. Your God is a lion tamer.

I am so thankful that there is nothing to big for God. Once again we will bring all these troubles to him and count on him to tame the lion in our lives (this dreaded disease). Please stop by and give Trish some words of encouragement. You can never know how much it means to hear from all of the prayer warriors. www.caringbridge.org/ar/emmagrace.

I have another very special prayer request. It is for another of our neuroblastoma sisters. Lauren has been in the battle longer than any of our kids and her family is so sweet. She has never been completely disease free but has been stable. She is in Memphis this week and there were some suspicious spots on her MRI. This is another family who has prayed for us all faithfully throughout this entire journey and who believes God is in control. If you get a minute stop by her site and let them know you are praying. www.caringbridge.org/va/lauren.

I know I keep adding to the prayer list but please understand that it could go on and on. There are so many kids who need special prayers.

Thanks again for all of your love, support and most of all prayers.

Standing Strong in Faith
Tina

Hannah-I wanted to let you know that Stanton took “puppy” with him to the hospital today. He even got an armband. Stanton said “puppy” wasn’t feeling good because his counts are going down. I guess we have said that a few times the past couple of days.

Wednesday, September 29, 2004 10:36 PM CDT

Sorry it is a little late tonight but we had to finish a heated game of Strawberry Shortcake. Yes, Stanton won twice and yes, Jeff is not happy about Stanton playing yet owning a Strawberry Shortcake game. I tried to explain to him that when the only people he gets to play with are girls he begins to enjoy what they play with. He still enjoys the boy things as well.

The moring started off with a bang. Emma Grace was in our room early and Trish called to remind us that she could not have anything to eat because she was being sedated for a very important scan (they have to have it before they leave this weekend). It had not been 2 minutes after she called when I hear "dough" and I turned around and she had taken a bite of a doughnut. I tried to get it but she had already swallowed. Boy, this was a phone call I hated to make. Trish took it in stride and they attempted the scan without much cooperation from Emma Grace. Needless to say, they have to be at the hospital at 8 in the morning to try it again. Once again, I have failed in the babysitting department.

Today was a big day for Stanton and all the kids at St. Jude's. They got to meet Michael Waltrip. He was here announcing the winners of the car contest and signing autographs. I have to say, he is one of the nicest "celebreties" we have met since being up here. At first Stanton wanted no part of it although he had been talking about Michael "Waltrips" all morning. I suggested that maybe they should have picked a car by a patient with a little more personality. Well, all it took was Emma Grace coming in for him to get wound up. He took Emma Grace up to the table where Michael was sitting and yelled "Michael Waltrips this is my girlfriend Emma Grace". Michael stopped what he was doing to talk to Stanton and Emma Grace and before we knew it he had Stanton in his lap and Emma Grace in the chair beside him. From this point on he had started the "bond". He would go up to the table whenever he wanted and get a picture signed for whoever he thought of next. Each and every time Michael stopped what he was doing to talk to him. This helped Stanton to continue to warm up. They wanted to take some pictures outside of the 2 of them and I can't wait to see them. They are going to be so cute. He was sitting in Michael's lap. I hope they got the shot where Michael leaned down and kissed him on the head. I really can't describe Michael's sincerity with all of the children. It is so neat when such a high profile person comes in and acts so sincere and not like it is an obligation. To Domino's and Michael Waltrip-Thank you for today. It was one of those special days which we will forever cherish.

When we got back to the RMH Mrs. Sarah called. That was all it took for him, he starting getting the toys ready for her to come play. They played for a little while and she needed to go plant some flowers. Believe it or not Stanton wanted to go with her. Not that he doesn't love her, he just usually requires one of us to be with him. I guess it was a day of him coming out of his shell.

I want to thank those of you who leave guestbook entries or email me about journal entries that have made a difference in your life. In fact I got an email today about an entry that I had to go back and read because it was about something I have been having problems with, patience. It means so much to know that although I journal for me that it touches so many.

I have a couple of devotionals that I have to share just because they are in books that have dated devotionals and these were both so appropriate.

The first is from Bedside Blessings which has become one of my favorite. I usually read it one last time right before I go to bed. I can't really do justice to this one by giving my own version so I will quote it directly.

Psalms 9:9
The Lord also will be a stronghold for the oppresses, a stronghold in times of trouble.

"It hurts to endure life's trials, and it hurts worse to repeat such episodes. Yet, without those deep hurts, we have very little capacity to recieve godly counsel or make forward progress toward maturity.
Over the long haul, God is honing us through such tests. Stretching us. Breaking us. Crushing us. Reducing us to an absolute, open-armed trust, where we say 'Lord, I have come to the end of my own flesh'."

I think you can see how this would apply to my journey. There have been very deep hurts, I have felt stretched, broken and crushed. There has also been great progress to my spiritual maturity. I end many of my days by saying "Lord I am just about at the end of my rope, please come help me".

The other devotional kind of complimented this by being titled "Protected by God". When we are at the end of our rope it helps to know that we do have God-the one who created the world and all that is in it on our side.

Psalms 121:1-3
I will lift up my eyes to the mountains; from where shall my help come? My help comes from the Lord, who made heaven and earth. He will not allow your foot to slip; He who keeps you will not slumber.

Okay, so you got 2 devotionals in one night, hope you enjoy them as much as I did. Thank you all for your continued support and more importantly prayers.

Holding on to Him
Tina

Tuesday, September 28, 2004 11:10 PM CDT

Well, we had a break today and we enjoyed every minute of it (or almost every minute). I had tons of laundry to do. We just hung out at RMH and played. Stanton woke up in a very good mood and the first person her asked for was Emma Grace of course. He went to play with her before their day started. We are so blessed that he has someone to share this journey with.

Trish and I talked last night about how much these kids teach us. They teach us strength, will-power, unconditional love, and truly what life is about. When I wake up each morning I say my prayers but then I have to admit it is not long before I am thinking about where I should be and what I should be doing. How life is supposed to be. At home in Minden, going to work, watching Hayden play ball, etc. Stanton wakes up and it is just another day in his world for him. He has mom and dad at his disposal all day, great friends to play with and minus the small detail called cancer a pretty good life. He doesn’t feel sorry for himself or whine to be home home. He occasionally will mention Bubba but seems to do okay with a bubba fix every couple of weeks. I wish every day for his attitude and perseverance.

My chapter in my devotional Experiencing the Heart of Jesus was titled “Freedom from Hopelessness”. There were several parts that really touched my heart and of course I am going to share. The book compares life to a jungle. Not a jungle with trees and beasts but jungles composed of thickets of failing health, broken hearts, and empty wallets. I think many of you can sympathize with one of these or have another jungle of your own. I know our forest right now is surrounded by hospital walls.

If you have one person with direction-who can take you from your place in the jungle to the right place –then you have one who can restore your hope. God’s leadership releases us from the fear of not knowing what to do. We must simply follow him.

When we are in the midst of a jungle we tend to ask God a lot of questions. Where are you taking me? Where is the path? He may not always tell us the answers, he may give us hints, but the one thing he will give us is Himself. We often think freedom in the midst of a trial translates as us having all of the answers we need. Instead, God offers all the Jesus we need to get through the trial.

All of us need hope at some point in our life. There are many of you who at this moment don’t need it right now. Your journey is going smoothly. What I want you to remember is not to get to comfortable in this valley. You do not know what tomorrow holds or when your road will take a sharp turn. (I know personally it only takes seconds). You may not need your hope restored today but you may need it restored tomorrow. When this happens you need to know where to turn. If you need hope now or tomorrow just call out to the Shepherd. He knows your voice and is waiting on you to call.

Jesus doesn’t change our jungle, he restores our hope by offering Himself.

Romans 8:24-25
We are saved by trusting. And trusting means looking forward to getting something we don’t yet have- for a man who already has something doesn’t need to hope and trust that he will get it. But if we must keep trusting God for something that hasn’t happened yet, it teaches us to want patiently and confidently.

I know I am so thankful to have a God that I can put my trust in and therefore have hope. I cannot imagine going through this journey without hope.

Our friend Ben got a date to go to Philly for treatment today. He will be there October 15. Please start praying for this family as they get ready to travel into unchartered territory for them. We hope to not be far behind them.

Emma Grace will be leaving for Philly for her 2nd treatment Monday morning. Pray for safe travel and a quick recovery for her so she can get back to Memphis. I have to say things will be very boring around here without her.

Tomorrow is another pretty easy day for us. We will get to meet Michael Waltrip for the very first time. He will be at the hospital and Domino’s will be doing a pizza party for the kids. Don’t forget their corporate sponsorship of St.Jude and all that this will mean for the hospital.

Thank you once more for the continued support and prayers.

Trusting In Him
Tina

Chemo Angel Lori-you are going to spoil him. He has had 2 packages in a row. He loved the bear pillow and the cowboys and Indians. I don’t think I can blame you for him being spoiled but you have played a part. Thank you for your continued devotion to him.

Monday, September 27, 2004 11:16 PM CDT

Well, we are out of the hospital. Stanton was discharged this morning and had appointments all day. Needless to say there was not a boring moment. It had been 4 days since he had seen Emma Grace so of course he left the 2nd floor looking of her. We found her in recovery waking up from her bone marrow biopsies. She was not quite as excited to see him as he was her, but she was still a little drowsy. When kisses didn't work to wake her up he just lifted her eyelids. That got her attention. Once she got a little cereal, cookies, and chips in her system she was ready to go. They were so sweet. We then had to meet with Dr. Furman, all he said was that he looked good and we would be waiting on his cells to mobilize so that they could harvest some stem cells.

Now is where the day got fun. We met up with Trish and Emma Grace in the cafeteria. Neither of the kids were very hungry as they had been eating junk. So they started playing. It just so happened that Emma Grace had brought her dolls and doll stroller with her. Stanton grabbed a doll and the stroller while Emma Grace carried his fluid bag. They ran all around the cafeteria entertaining many. Yes, Jeff has come a long way, HIS son pushing a baby stroller (pink one at that) in public. Before we know it Stanton is riding in the baby stroller with Emma Grace pushing him. You really had to be there but this was hilarious, but not quite as hilarious as when they tried to switch spots. The stroller was under a little strain when Emma Grace sat in it and Stanton leaned on it with all of his weight to get no where.

We had pictures scheduled so we decided that we needed to get to those before they had enough of each other. This as usual was a circus, but Miss Laura is awesome at working with the kids and getting some great shots. Thanks Miss Laura for your patience.

Stanton also had a dentist appointment this afternoon to get 2 cavities filled. He kept insisting he was not going to the dentist, but Mr. Floyd convinced him that Dr. Rowland would give him a good toy and 20 bucks. (Mr. Floyd, he got the good toy but Dr. Rowland referred him back to you for the money). We get Stanton back and in the chair by himself and tell him that he is getting happy gas. Well, he had been in a good mood most of the day and is generally pretty funny, but this beat all. He started laughing so hard. He kept saying "I like this", "I like the dentist". He said it was even better than heparin. I don't know what kind of child we are creating but I guess we will deal with the drug addictions later. It just amazes me that a 3 year old can tell you when his head feels "whizzy". He finsihed all of the dental work like a big boy and was so proud of himself. I am just afraid I will never get him back without the happy gas.

We spent the rest of the afternoon resting and cathching up on playing with Emma Grace and Trish.

We got a very special present in the mail today from the Barone family. It seems that they are raising 2 very special children (must be easy being as they have amazing parents) who have been praying for Stanton and Emma Grace daily. Each of the children colored a Chili Pepper for the kids and on the way home, Hannah decided that Emma Grace and Stanton needed a dog for when they were sick (she has a stuffed dog that helps her when she is sick). Well today they received the softest stuffed labs that I have ever seen. Of course it made Stanton feel right at home since he is always talking about his labs back home. He is curled up next to his "puppy" right now. Hannah-Thank you so much for your unconditional love, support and prayers. Stanton loved your idea. To the Barones-God knew we needed you. You have remained faithful in your support and prayers. We feel like we have known you for a lifetime. Thank you for being one of God's warriors that he has used during this journey.

Trish and I talked tonight about what a God we serve that sends us just what we need just when we need it. We are working on a project that I will share more about later but we are reliving a lot of times that have been hard. As hard as it has been, we have also been able to look back on the blessings that God has provided us along the way. They are way to numerous to count.

I know this request is going to seem repetitive but our prayer request is for Dr. Furman and that he have the wisdom to make the right decisions regarding Stanton's future treatment. We will also pray that Stanton will remain infection free over the next couple of weeks as his counts will be dropping.

Counting My Blessings
Tina

Sunday, September 26, 2004 10:32 PM CDT

Stanton is finsihed with the chemo. He is on the 24 hour post hydration stage. He has been having leg pain after the chemo. There a a couple of probable reasons but it works itself out so they say it is nothing to be concerned about. He should be discharged in the morining.

This weekend Jeff and I both got a much needed break. Mom and Dad were a HUGE help in allowing us both out of the hospital at the same time. I love when they come up but saying goodbye has yet to get any easier. Mom/Dad-I love you and all that you do for us. I guess I realized this weekend that maybe I am a little spoiled but thank you for that.

Bubba leaving was a whole other issue in itself. Stanton begged him to stay and even had the nursing assistant that was doing his vital signs crying when he left. That has got to be the hardest part. Two brothers not getting to enjoy each other all of the time. I see how much Stanton has grown and how much of that Hayden has missed and how much Hayden is doing that all of us are missing. Hayden-thanks for a great weekend. You were so sweet. I really needed our mommy/Hayden time. Love you!! Have fun with homecoming this week. You know I want to be there and will be with all of my heart.

Today would have been my grandmothers birthday. She passed away in Jaunuary of this year. It was a tough time on us but I know she is much better off. I also know that she is watching out for us probably trying to give God a little help. Mamaw-I will forever love you and am so glad that we got to be at home for the last months of your life. Papaw-I am so proud of you and how well you are doing. I know your life revolved around mamaw. Thank you for always keeping up with us and for loving us so much.

I also have another very special prayer request. My daddy's brother, Uncle Glen is having some trouble with the discs in his neck. His options are not great and he has some big decisions to make. Uncle Glen-I hope that you will be able to put the decision in God's hands. He knows the answers and will share them with you all you have to do is ask. I know that sometimes it seems like there is no light at the end of the tunnel but I have found so much comfort in prayer and quiet time with God. We love you and will be praying for you and the doctors.

I am not really sure of our schedule this week so I will let you know as I find out. I am sure it will be a waiting game as his counts drop which as you recall the last 2 times we have dropped he has gotten a line infection. We could really do without that this time. Again, please pray for Dr. Furman as he is making decisions regarding Stanton's future treatment.

Only By His Grace
Tina

Saturday, September 25, 2004 10:28 PM CDT

Today has been a great day. The morning started off with moving the rest of our room. Thanks to Hayden their was not much left to do. He had ulterior motives, he wanted mommy time. So off it was for a couple of hours of Hayden/Mommy time. We had a great time and I think it did us both a world of good.

Thanks Mom and Dad for staying with Stanton so that we could all have the much needed break. I hope you enjoyed the Granma/Weinie/Stanton time. I am sure he did.

When Hayden finally got to the hospital everyone else could have gone because all he wanted was Hayden. He has continued to feel good which has been a blessing. He didn't sleep much last night but he didn't sleep any today either.

The evening finished with our favorite thing to do on a Saturday evening in Memphis. Lauren King Ministries was here to cook supper and have a little meditation time. I think my daddy plans his trips to Memphis around when they are coming to cook (I guess he knows it is more than he will get if I have to cook). As usual supper was wonderful but the meditation time was AWESOME! Larron-I don't think you can ever know what you do means to us who come to listen. I know it is not a coincidence but you always speak about something that has been on my heart for the week. You guys are one of the blessings I wouldn't trade in for anything. I cannot even imagine what you have gone through or how hard it must have been but the blessings that have come from your experience are too numerous to count. I agree all of the glory belongs to God but what a gift he has given you. It is always great to get together with friends and worship and pray together. There is something to say about praying with friends.

Jeremiah's mom (sorry I don't know your name)-your song was beautiful and such a testimony for your week. I am so happy for your news and hope we only see you here during check ups.

Trish-as usual it was great to sit next to you tonight and worship with you. Your children sang beautifully and the song you same as a family was great! I am going first the next time no matter what so I want start out crying. You are most certainly the one who fills the gaps when I need it most. In fact, I am quite sure you saved a complete meltdown last night. I love you girl, more than you will ever know. Thanks a bunch!

Larron talked about several things tonight, but one of them was about David and his being on the battlefield and about how easy it was for Satan to invade when things are going to easy. Each of us is on a battlefield in some situation in our lives. Each battle should bring us closer to God and He will make us victorious in each battle that we turn to Him.

The other thing I love that Larron mentioned was how important it is for our children to see the Lord in their parents lives. I know that Hayden and Stanton growing in the Lord is a huge responsibility that I have and I do not take it lightly. I encourage all of you to let your love of the Lord shine through to your children. It is the most important thing that you can give them. I think I have mentioned the song before "I want to be just like you" by Phillips Craig and Dean. It really describes this responsibility as a parent.

Stanton has one more day of chemo and then we should be back at RMH in room 29 for now. Thank you so much for your continued support and prayers.

Proudly standing in the Battlefield
Tina

Friday, September 24, 2004 10:30 PM CDT

Okay, I am not even sure where to start. Stanton started chemo at 10:00 last night and as usual it has not phased him yet. There was one point today that I wanted whatever was going into his magic line because he was going 150 miles an hour. He did have his steroid rages a couple of times, yes we have 4 days of steroids again. I will be as tired as it takes as long as he feels as good as he has.

Mom, Dad and Hayden got here this evening. To say Stanton was a little excited to see Bubba would be an understatement. He had talked about it all day and you should have heard him scream when he saw him round the corner. You also should have heard him scream when he left to come home with me tonight. To say I was a little excited would also be an understatement.

Next, I want to say thank you to a very special person who has become a very dear friend through very unusual circumstances. (You know who you are and that is why I am leaving you nameless). I know I am a little spoiled, well maybe a lot spoiled but you saved a complete meltdown for me tonight. It has been a very rough week and I guess that was the straw that broke, well you know. I know it will be a pain for you but I will forever love you bunches for it.

I don't know if I have mentioned it before but the RMH is undergoing some renovations. They are putting hardwood floors throughout the house. This means that they are shutting a hall down at a time which also means that we have to move rooms. This may not seem like a big deal but you think we have lived here since April 21. Can you even imagine the stuff that we have accumulated. We(Trish and I ) started tonight and Jeff and I will have to finish tomorrow morning. I think we have to be out by noon. As if this week has not been stressful enough. This is a great project which much thought has gone into. It will be much safer for our kids.

I am sorry I have no words of wisdom tonight. I will make up for it later. There are still things to be moved.

Only By His Grace
Tina

Thursday, September 23, 2004 10:21 PM CDT

Okay, so we finally got a bed in the hospital. We had decided that we were going to start chemo one way or another even if it had to be outpatient. I learned a lot about patience this week.

I as I have said have had a rough couple of days. I think the uncertainty of the future treatment is a bigger issue with me than I would like to think. It just seems that we can't seem to nail anything down and then when we did couldn't get it started. So anyway, I went to my devotionals as ususal and God had me taken care of as usual so of course I am going to share. The first is the verse from my Grace for the Moment today. The title is Trust God with the Future. Okay, God I get the point. The verse is John 14:1

Don't let your hearts be troubled. Trust in God, and trust in me.

I then sat down to my Bedside Blessings Book (Thanks Hank and Dana) and it wasn't tonights devotional that caught my eye but tomorrows and I am going to quote it straight from the book.

"You know the human response to panic? First, we are afraid. Second, we reun. Third, we fight. Fourth, we tell everybody.

God's counsel is just the opposite. Don't be afraid. Stand Still. Watch Him work. Keep quiet. It's then that He does it. He takes over! He handles it exactly opposite the way we'd do it. The Lord just taps his foot, waiting for us to wait."

Exodus 14:13

Do not Fear! Stand by and see the salvation of the Lord.

Well, I guess you could say I am going to bed with my fears eased and will sleep great.

Thank you all for the continued prayers and support. We love you.

Waiting on Him
Tina

Wednesday, September 22, 2004 9:21 PM CDT

9:30 and the king is asleep. We are thankful for even small miricales. He has not been going to bed before midnight in a long time. We are still waiting on a room at the hospital. They called this morning and said it would not be today, then they called and said come at 5:00, then they called back and said they had an emergency that needed our bed. I understand, but we are one week late starting chemo and I know how aggressive this cancer can be. They are talking about us doing this round outpatient which would mean long days in the medicine room but worth it to get started.

I guess this is probably why the last 2 days have not been the greatest for me. I know I am not having a great day when people ask me if I am okay or tired. I ususally have a great attitude and can muster a smile but that has been hard for some reason. So, I went to my bible looking for verses on patience. I think this is a character trait that I still have a long way to work on. I was reminded over and over again that patience builds character and by being patient God will make great things happen. Reminded again, that everything is part of his plan.

John 14:27
I leave you peace; my peace I give you. I do not give it to you as the world does. So don't let your hearts be troubled or afraid.

This is where I found my comfort tonight.

I have a couple of special prayer requests. The first one is for little Jake Raborn www.caringbridge.org/la/jakeowen. He is a precious little boy that I have mentioned before. He is in the hospital with post-chemo fever and has been for close to 2 weeks. His blood pressure was pretty high today. This is such a sweet family, they are taking turns trying to be with their 2 sons back home so I know they are both very tired.

I also have another very special request. There is a little boy from our town, which is one of Stanton's very good friends and whose parents have been supportive of us from the very first day of diagnosis. Colesan has a very rare blood disorder. (Diamond Black anemia) Sorry I can't remember the exact name. Elizabeth feel free to help me here. Anyway, he has to have multiple blood transfusions. Well, something was wrong with the blood he was to recieve last time and they had to go to their direct donor list. So, first of all I encourage all of you to go a donate blood at your local blood bank. If any of you are interested in getting on his direct donor list please contact me and I will help arrange this. I know his blood type O+ and CMV-. I know that he requires transfusions frequently so any help would be appreciated. They are a precious chirstian family who go out of their way to help other people.

Climbing into His arms tonight
Tina

Tuesday, September 21, 2004 8:33 PM CDT

Hurry up and wait, that seems to be the story around here lately. They did tell us today that they are going to do one more round of ICE (chemo) as soon as they get a bed available. Apparently that will not be tonight so we are hoping for a bed tomorrow. Hopefully when we finish this round everything will be in place for us to proceed with the bone marrow transplant. I wish I could tell you that I was as calm and patient as I wish I was and as God would have me but I have to admit today has been one of those days.

Emma Grace is 4 years old today. I don’t know that she thought today was as special as the rest of us did, just another day in the life of a St. Jude kid. Emma Grace-Happy Birthday from your adoptive family. We love you more than you could ever know. I know that when a smile is needed I just need to find you to find my smile and the unconditional love of a wonderful child. I thank God often for placing you in my life even if under the circumstances. Trish-I guess I have had some of the same emotions as you today. Looking back and seeing how far Emma Grace has come and how far there is to go. Each birthday for the rest of their lives will be much more special than we would have ever imagined. Your journal entry touched my heart so deeply this morning. (For those of you who haven’t read it, it sums up what cancer will do to you so eloquently) You can read it at www.caringbridge.org/ar/emmagrace. Thank you for being my sister now and forever.

During my meltdown of course I went to my shelf of devotionals and was led to the story of Esther. I read the entire chapter in my bible and had to say Wow! What an amazing lady. It is sometimes easy to begin to think God has left us hanging out there on a limb all by ourselves. This would be Satan. He is always looking for our weakest moment to jump in with his 2 cents worth. I guess this is getting of on the story of Job, which I also read today, but back to Esther. She was put in a place and a situation where she could choose the easy way out or she could choose God. She chose God and was rewarded for it. She recognized that she was powerless to save herself or her people. She remembered that God had placed her where she was for a reason-His purpose and her destiny. She realized that she needed God’s powerful hand her regardless of the outcome.

Boy did this put things back into perspective for me. It was so the story of my situation just in today’s time and different circumstances. That is how it works for all of us though. First we look around at our expanded territory and see how weak and hopeless we are to accomplish what God has asked us to do. (He has asked me to love and care for a very sick child) Next we remember that God strategically placed us right where we are for this time in history according to his plan. (I am at St. Jude for a reason which is part of God’s plan) Finally we recognize that it is God’s hand upon us that is powerful. (Oh how I have felt this powerful hand so many times in the last 2 years). We don’t want to miss the opportunity to experience the greatness of our God. Our God is great which is something that I have not lost sight of. I am so weak and helpless without Him. As usual God led me to the devotional that I needed most.

Thank you all for your continued love, prayers and support. The days get long sometimes and it is always good to go back and read all of the words of encouragement.

His Purpose-My Destiny
Tina

I realized tonight that I never finished the story from last year. I will try to pick back up again, I just get so long sometimes I feel like you all will be tired of reading.

Monday, September 20, 2004 10:19 PM CDT

Information overload would be how I would describe how I am feeling right now. We had a good visit with the doctor today and if you didn't read earlier got great news. As of now Stanton's bone marrow is clear. They are still doing special stains looking for anything floating around. We also know that these biopsies can be a little misleading because they are based on a small sample. Dr. Furman was also very pleased with the MIBG results as well. We didn't take long to bask in the good news because that leads to the next step. That is the question of the day. This is where we were given so much information it will take me days to comprehend but we don't have days. Dr. Furman will meet with the transplant doctors tomorrow morning and by tomorrow afternoon we should know more but it appears that he will be admitted and start another round of chemo this week. We don't want to give this disease to much opportunity to make any headway.

So I ask all of you who pray so faithfully for us for a specific prayer request tonight. I ask that you pray for Dr. Furman. For his strenght and wisdom in helping us to make the right decisions for Stanton. I realize God has these already made, it is just up to us to follow his lead. I reminded Dr. Furman today how much we admired him and how much prayer went into our decisions. I cannot imagine how he feels having to make such tough decisons. He is one of those special people that God placed in our lives knowing we would need him to help take care of all of us (especially his obsessive compulsive mother).

I will update the new plan as soon as we know something. I do know that a bed on the 2nd floor will be a factor as right now they are full.

Emma Grace finally got to meet with her doctor today and he was pleased with her MIBG results and bone marrow biopsies. She will be returning to Philly the first of October to do another treatment. Please keep this family in your prayers as well because again these are very difficult decisions.

Now on the the fun part of our day. Of course, we went to Chili's for supper. I have to say I could not believe the people waiting to eat. The wait at one time was an hour and a half. At the Chili's we were at we saw many patients and employees. It always amazes me how the employees go above and beyond to support St. Jude. We got to meet Mrs. Sandy's son, daughter-in-laws and grandsons. What an honor for us as she takes such good care of us I can only imagine how spoiled her children and grandchildren must be. Her son said it best when he said "She has a lot of love to share". We agree.

Of course the employees of Chili's were more than accomodating to the patients, especially those who didn't act so well (imagine who that could be). I have to say as usual our dinner was not boring. I cannot wait to see the numbers that this fundraiser for St. Jude raised. I think they will far exceed their projected numbers.

I know the next few days will be busy with decisions and once again I am going to have to continually remind myself that God already has this worked out for us. Stanton continues to be amazing and we are so blessed he feels so good. Pray for our guidance and courage as these decisions can be pretty scary.

Putting it all in His hands
Tina

Sunday, September 19, 2004 9:30 PM CDT

MONDAY 5:30 P.M. QUICK UPDATE

FOR THOSE OF YOU WHO CAN'T WAIT ON MY LATE NIGHT ENTRY I WANTED TO LET YOU KNOW THAT AT THIS POINT STANTON'S BONE MARROW IS NEGATIVE. THEY ARE STILL DOING SPECIAL STAINS LOOKING FOR CELLS BUT AT LEAST THERE IS NOTHING MAJOR THERE. I WILL UPDATE MY BEST GUESS AT THE PLAN TONIGHT. (THIS WAS FOR YOU DONNA)

I can only hope that all of you have been as blessed today as I have been. Yesterday Trish mentioned going to Germantown Baptist Church this morning (if you recall a group of women from this church made quilts for the kids). We have enjoyed getting to know Dawn and Todd who delivered the quilts so we decided that we would get up and go visit their church this morning.

First of all this church has almost as many members as number of people in our community so we were a little in awe of its size. Of course we were welcomed by Dawn and Todd but also by several others who had been praying for us and who knew we were coming. I almost left out the fight between Stanley and Ellie May on the way to church where he reminded her that she needed to read her bible. He is getting good at using that when it is convenient for him. We got seated and began looking around at the hundreds of people only to realize that Krisha, one of our nurses from the 2nd floor was seated 2 pews in front of us. Then Christy, another one of our great 2nd floor nurses say down by Trish and Barney. In the midddle of the service when we had to seperate the 2 kids I looked back to apoligize to the people behind us and recognized the radiologist from St. Jude who had introduced himself when Stanton realized.

Do you know what I felt like when I looked around and saw the people that take such good care of my baby in church and that they realize the importance of God in their life. I also realize that it was no coincidence that in a church of hundreds that we happen to see these people. When I said something to Dawn about it she said "It's God". I have to agree. Thank you Dawn and Todd for all you do to continue to welcome us into part of your family.

The service was great. They did say it was a little different than ususal but good. It was about the different missionaries and the countries that they serve. The sermon was called Global Purpose-Radical Confidence. It really wasn't totally focused on world wide missions but about God placing us where we are and placing us there for a reason. We often get comfortable in our life and don't want to step outside of our comfort zone. The preacher reminded us the next step might not be traveling oversees but something as simple as adding devotional time to your daily routine or teaching your children the way of the Lord. The big deal was to determine that you needed to take the next step whatever it might be and be willing to do whatever it is God asks of us. This part kind of hit home because I know that God has not sent us on the journey for nothing and that he has a good reason and I want to make sure I use this journey in every way that he wants me to. I will continue to pray for the wisdom to know what it is God wants from me as well as the strength and the courage to follow through with it. All in all it was a great time of worship with some very dear friends.

Emma Grace will be 4 on Tuesday so we decided to have her birthday party tonight while her daddy and bubba were in town. I know this is not where she would like to be spending her birthday but I can't tell you how precious birthdays become after diagnosis. A great time was had by all. She is love by so many. We also enjoyed getting to visit with some St. Jude families that we don't get to visit with often because we usually see them running around the hospital. First of all a very special family, the Garretts. Ashley has osteosarcoma and was in treatment when we got here. This family embraced us from the beginning and continues to do so. Ashley you are looking great. It was good to see you. (www.caringbridge.org/tn/ashleygarrett) Donna is an excellent writer so be sure to go check out her journal entried. Floyd/Donna- you are always a breath of fresh air and much needed inspiration. Thank you so much for your continued support and prayers. Donna I promise to try to do a quick update early tomorrow.

Billie Heaton was also here. Billie's son Dusty earned his angel wings a week ago. He was 20 years old and fought a good fight and is enjoying all heaven had to offer. Billie, your strength and courage inspires me to be a better person. I know Dusty is proud of you.

Of course Emma Grace had a ball. I think the silly string was more for Trish than anyone. To all of you who came and helped make her birthday special I want to say thank you. She is so special to me and I wanted her birthday to be special. All of you out there don't forget to go by her website on Tuesday and wish her Happy Birthday. www.caringbridge.org/ar/emmagrace.

Also don't forget that tomorrow all of the proceeds from Chili's restaraunts around the US will be going to St. Jude. Be sure and have a meal or 2 there tomorrow.

Thank you again for all of your love, support and prayers. We love you all!

Looking for my purpose
Tina

Saturday, September 18, 2004 10:34 PM CDT

I don't know how I could start this journal entry with anything but a HUGE thank you!!!!! The fish fry for Stanton today was a big success and I can't even begin to thank everyone by name. I only wish we could have been there helping with a benefit for someone else and not be the ones on the receiving end, again.

First of all to the entire community of Minden and surrounding areas who made this such a success. I heard a comment from someone that said they could not believe that such a small community could do something so big. Once more you all have opened your hearts and supported us in unbelievable amounts. You can't know how much it means to us to feel loved by so many. When Elizabeth called tonight to tell me how successful they were of course tears came to my eyes. Talk about humbling.

I see single parents do this day in and day out. Thanks to all of you that is not something that we will have to do nor is it a decision we will have to make. You make our journey a little easier.

I am going to try to name some people by name, I know I can't possibly thank everyone so please forgive me if I leave someone out.

First, Elizabeth and Karla-you took an idea and ran with it and as I have said before you are such a blessing. There are so many things to thank you for I couldn't even begin to list them all. You have taught me more than you will ever know.

Yvette and Melissa-I know you were also instrumental in how smoothly things went today. I know a lot of hard work went into today and all I can say is thank you although it just doesn't seem like enough.

To all of our family who was there representing us when we weren't able to be there-We love you more than we could ever tell you. You never fail to wrap your arms around us when we need you the most and are always willing to do whatever it takes to make things easier on us. We love you all from the bottom of our hearts.

To all of the people who donated things-I know some of you didn't want recognition but thank you anyway. You are the reason the number was so high. Thanks for making today possible.

To the volunteers-from what I hear there were so many of you who worked the entire day. There were many who have done this for us before. Thank you for continuing to support us on this journey. I know today would not have been possible without the volunteers. I hope not to ever have to repay the favor but will do anything for any of you.

Mr. Avery and Mr.Bogues-thank you for cooking. I heard the fish was great. I hate I didn't get any.

To all of you who bought fish and raffle tickets-once again you went above and beyond what we could have ever expected.

Our journey has been long but your support has been unwavering. Thank you really doesn't say enough.

Incredibly humbled
Tina

Friday, September 17, 2004 10:38 PM CDT

Well, the biopsies are done it is just a matter of waiting on the results. I hope Dr. Furman is feeling better and will be back Monday. Stanton did great not being able to eat. It is amazing when a 3 year old realizes that he can’t eat when he gets the sleepy medicine. It is also hilarious to ask him how the sleepy medicine made him feel as he rolls his eyes back and twirls his head.

He is feeling really good. In fact right now he is playing LSU football. He says he is going to be the LSU team and Emma Grace is going to be the LSU cheerleader. He lets everyone know that LSU is his team. Someone tried to give him an Alabama hat today and he said “go tigers”.

There was a very neat group of people that came to St. Jude today. They are a group called the “Southern Cruisers”. It is a motorcycle group that traveled the United States earning money for St. Jude. They brought over 500 motorcycles as well as a big 18 wheeler filled with toys and wagons on top of a monetary contribution. This was an amazing sight to see as all of the motorcycles rode through the circle drive at St. Jude. I never thought a group of bikers could bring me to tears but it happened today. The generosity and sincerity of these people was amazing.

I know you may think tears over motorcycles may be a little extreme, but I guess you would have to be in my shoes. The last 2 years have definitely been a humbling experience for me. Not that I ever thought that I was better than anyone or anyone special, but I had a good life going. I had made some bad judgment calls early in life, but things had worked out. I am married to a wonderful man, have 2 wonderful children, a career that I am very happy with, no I was nobody special, but things were good. Don’t get me wrong things are not “not good” now, they are just different.

What St. Jude has done for me and my family cannot be explained. To know that he is getting state of the art treatment from some the best medical professionals in the world is in itself unbelievable but the fact they do it without asking us for a dime is incredible. They are able to do this because of the generosity of so many. When you see this in action you are most definitely humbled.

I know there are many people who donate to this wonderful cause and to all of you I say thank you. I had always been a St. Jude supporter never dreaming I would ever need to be here. The money we had always donated and continue to donate is used for the best cause that I can think of. I long for the day when the hospital is just a tourist attraction because they have found “the cure”.

Since I am talking about supporters of St. Jude I want to mention another St. Jude corporate supporter. Chili's Resteraunt's around the United States have been selling chili peppers for $1 with the proceeds going to the hospital. On September 20th they are taking it one step further and all of the proceeds from sells on this day will go to St. Jude. So I encourage you if you are going to eat out on the 20th to make it Chili's.

Another humbling experience is the support of our community in Minden. They have surrounded us with love and support beginning January 2, 2003 and have continued through today and beyond. I wish we could be there tomorrow for the fish fry, but for all of those who have made it possible and for those of you who bought tickets thank you from the bottom of our hearts.

I want to share another thought from Grace for the Moment tonight:

Proverbs 18:10

The name of the Lord is a strong tower; the righteous run to it and are safe.

God is:
The shepherd who guides,
The Lord who provides,
The voice who brings peace in the storm,
The physician who heals the sick, and
The banner that guides the soldier.

Thank you all for your continued support and prayers.

Only by His Grace
Tina

I want to say congratulations to Dakota, Minden got their 2nd win of the season tonight and he scored a touchdown. Dakota-I love you and you don’t know how much I miss being there for you. I am so proud of you.

Congratulations are also in order for Walker who also won his ballgame tonight. I am not sure of his exact stats but I think he threw 2 touchdowns and had a pretty good game. Walker-I am proud of you also (even though you didn’t want to come see me). I love you. I know part of your success is because of the wonderful cheering of your sister. Whittney-We love you to. I wish I could be there for all of you

Thursday, September 16, 2004 9:31 PM CDT

I am trying not to get too excited although we have some official/unofficial good news. I don't like to get to excited until I hear the news from Dr. Furman himself and he was out sick today. So special prayers for him tonight that he will feel better and be able to come take care of his babies. Okay, for the news-Stanton's MIBG showed significant improvement. In fact the spots around his eyes did not light up at all. The spots in his arm and pelvis were very dim and the spot on his leg lit up pretty good but they doctor that read it said it was much better than the last scan. We actually got to be in the room when he did the scan because he was not sedated (he did great) which in the past has been very nerve wracking. Today was different for some reason. I guess I was expecting to see spots. Mom asked if my stomach just dropped and it really didn't. I woke up and read my Grace For the Moment for the day and went to the hospital surrounded by God's grace and being carried in his arms. I will share the devotional at the end of the journal. What do these results mean? We really won't know until we meet with the doctor on Monday and they have the results of the bone marrow biopsies. We do know he had a good response to the radiation and a response to the chemo. The game plan will most probably depend on Bone Marrow Transplant and how soon they can get him on the list. So all in all, just short of telling us it was all gone we are pleased with the response.

Of course, with our good news we had to go celebrate and who better to celebrate with than our good friends Trish and Emma Grace. Stanton had been begging to go play glow in the dark golf since last weekend. He was horrible (Stanley) while we met with the doctor today so we shouldn't have done anything but he was good the rest of the day so we decided to let him go. As usual nothing is ever boring with Emma Grace and Stanton. Stanton has actually gotten pretty good at putt putt, in fact he beat Jeff on a couple of holes. Poor Emma Grace, she would probably do better at hockey. She does try hard though. We then decided to go eat at TGIF. The kids were pretty good although Stanton was not happy they were out of hot dogs. Emma Grace ate her meal and then asked if she could have some of my mashed potatoes (this is as she is dipping a french fry in them). Of course I didn't mind sharing but after she stuck her finger in them I did ask her to get a fork, so she moved her chair over to help me finish. We know better to eat and then do anything with Emma Grace because she will have us laughing so hard before the night is over but Stanton wanted to know what else fun he could do. We tried to find a carriage ride and of course the first one we went to did not do St. Jude for free so of we walked to find the one that does. As we are crossing a street, Emma Grace is holding my hand and with her other hand she holds it up to stop traffic. I just about lost it then. The whole time she would say, will you carry me now? She is actually almost 2 of Stanton so I convinced her to walk. We got the the other horses and they were booked so Stanton was not happy but was bought with a coke icee. The night was as ususal another fun night shared with very dear friends. Thanks guys!

I am going to quote directly from the Grace for the Moment Book:

Psalm 89:8

Lord God All-powerful, who is like you? Lord, you are powerful and completely trustworthy.

"Ponder the achievement of God.

He doesn't condone our sin,nor does he compromise his standard.

He doesn't ignore our rebellion, nor does he relax his demands.

Rather than dismiss our sin, he assumes our sin and, incredibly sentences himself.

God's holiness is honored. OUr sin is punished...
and we are redeemed.

God does what we cannot do so we can be
what we dare not dream: perfect before God.

This might explain a little of why I had such a peace when we walked into the hospital today as well as knowing we were being lifted up in prayer by many.

Thank you all who continue to support us in so many ways.

Lifted in His Arms
Tina

Wednesday, September 15, 2004 11:28 PM CDT

Okay, I will warn you I have a lot to say so it may take a while. First of all we need big prayers going up in the morning as Stanton has an MIBG which will tell us how much cancer is left (they have warned us to expect there to be some). I am still praying for none. He will not be sedated which is a big deal because it is a pretty lengthy test. We had to do it this way because it was the only way to get the scan in this week. We should know the results tomorrow afternoon.

Our friends Chris and Christal will be heading home tomorrow morning. Leaving is always bittersweet for the families involved because you are happy they are going home but you will miss them so much. This case is no different. These are 2 girls we have grown to love and are just a part of our everyday experience. Chris made me a necklace to put my keys on that is rainbow colored. She reminded me that her mother said that when you see a rainbow good things are on their way. Thanks for a constant reminder of God’s love for us. Chris-you rock! You are the very best mom. You always made things fun for Christal and were so patient with my not so angelic child. Thanks for becoming a very special part of our family. Christal-thanks for helping to fill me “little girl” void. You are so sweet and I always had so much fun playing. I love you.

Trish had decided that she would make Christal a tie knot blanket as a going home present. Well, in Trish style as of this morning she had not done it. I told her last night I would love to help her if she would just call. I had no idea what a blessing this would become. As we began to make the blanket Trish decided that for each knot we tied we would each say a prayer. This really wouldn’t work because Trish would get a little long winded and we would still be tying knots. So, we just prayed the entire time we made this blanket. I can’t remember a time when I started my morning with about 1 hour of nonstop prayer. There were many tears shed and many smiles as well. Trish-thank you for making this such a special time for me and blessing me in this way. I also have to share something that Emma Grace said as she was also praying. We came to a point where we prayed for our families back home and how much the extended families mean to each of us. Well, while Trish was praying for Weinie, Memaw, and Hayden, Emma Grace starts yelling “don’t forget Hank”. As I was praying for my family she once again said “don’t forget Hank”. So Hank if you read this you always remind me of what a ladies man you are so I guess this is one more that you have made an impression on.

SUFFICIENT GRACE

I actually was going to end my journal entry here tonight until I read this chapter. It hit so close to home, especially with the next 2 days looming I have to share although I have to admit it is more for my benefit than anything. Thanks Scott for sending the verses that started this whole journal.

2 Corinthians 12:7-9

To keep me from becoming conceited because of these surprisingly great revelations, there was given me a thorn in my flesh, a messenger of Satan, to torment me. Three times I pleaded with the Lord to take it away from me. But he said to me, “My grace is sufficient for you, my power is made perfect in weakness.”

The chapter starts off by telling a story of a pilot who rushes from the cockpit announcing that the plane is going to crash. He gathers the parachutes, passes them out and gives instructions. Every passenger that comes to the door shouts out a question, a want or a need. The pilot finally answers “I’ve given you a parachute; that is enough”. How does this relate to God’s grace? God hears thousands of appeals per second. Some are legitimate. We ask God to remove the fear or change the plans. He usually answers with a gentle shove that leaves us airborne and suspended by His grace.

Truth be known, some of us discover we have a fear of heights when we are dangling above impossible circumstances-suspended by His grace alone. We’d rather have our feet planted firmly on the ground. We want certainty and facts. We feel a need to know all is going to work out the way we planned. In fact, if we can’t be sure of the outcome of our problems, we’d rather not have them at all. Like Paul we may ask God to make them disappear.

God is not going to say yes to your every request. What do you do when God says no? If God says “My grace is sufficient” is that enough? Boy that is a tough question and I sure had a hard time with it. I do realize that sometimes unanswered prayers open the doors for bigger things than I had ever asked for in the first place.

Content-a state of heart in which you would be at peace if God gave you nothing more than he already has. If this was the case would you be content? Again, a very tough question. The good thing is that God has not left us with “just salvation”. If you have the eyes to read these words, access to this website, hands to type a response then he has already given you grace upon grace. Most of us have been saved and then have been blessed so much more.

When we have a thorn in our side which we all so at some point or another we may try to remove the thorn on our on or try to function with the thorn only to find that we need God to remove the thorn. Experiencing Jesus does not exempt us from personal pain. In fact, pain is am essential to experiencing the fullness of Jesus-his strength, his faithfulness, his comfort. Pain was a central feature of Jesus’ life-betrayal, heartache, suffering and even death. It is one thing to experience these pains alone but Jesus promises his fellowship-he’s already been down the road.

For all we don’t know about thorns, we can be sure of this: God would prefer we have an occasional limp than a perpetual strut and if it takes a thorn for him to make his point, he loves us enough to pluck it out.

When you are hurting, it does not matter how much you know about doctrine or theology. What you really need to know is Jesus. To walk with him. Talk to him. Crawl into His lap and let Him hold you for a while. Perhaps you will never say”Jesus is all you need”until He is all you have. At that moment, he will prove to be all we need and more.

I know this has been lengthy but I hope it meant as much to you as it did to me. I want to share one last thing with you before I go. Stanton was talking to us about Christal going home and he wanted to know why. We told him that she was all better so she could go home. He said “God made her better”. Of course we said yes and what came out of his mouth next brought tears to my eyes. He said “She didn’t have to go see God for him to make her better in heaven.” “I am not going to have to go see God for him to make me all better” You try to tell me what they do and don’t understand. Stanton-you continue to amaze me and keep up that attitude. God is going to make you better without you coming to see him. I love you!

Only By His Grace
Tina

Tuesday, September 14, 2004 10:43 PM CDT

Well we had another pretty good day on our end. Stanton did not have any appointments but we had been asked to tell our story again so that we did.

We actually got the pleasure of having lunch with Mark Slaughter of the music group “Slaughter” and Eric and Inga (forgive the spelling) of the music group “Cinderella”. They were touring St. Jude to see what the hospital was all about and will hopefully become big supporters of the hospital. These people were so sincere and listened so intently to our story. Stanton did his own thing of course and I made it through the whole story without crying. I hope you guys enjoyed the tour of the rest of the hospital and hope you find it worthy of your support. Our story is just one of many.

I would not say I have gotten good at speaking in public, because as you all know I have the gift of gab so I have to be careful not to ramble. What I have become to enjoy is telling our story. What a story it has become and I want to continue to share the miracles that God is working in our lives. Of course, I never leave Him out of our story as without Him there would be no story.

I wanted to share one of my very favorite poems of all times with you tonight. I am often asked “How do you do it?” and I think this poem says it all.

Footprints

One night I dreamed a dream
I was walking along the beach with my Lord.
Across the dark sky flashed scenes from my life.
For each scene, I noticed two sets of footprints in the sand,
One belonging to me and one to my Lord
When the last scene of my life shot before me
I looked back at the footprints in the sand
And to my surprise,
I noticed that many times along the path of my life
There was only one set of footprints.
I realized that this was the lowest
And saddest times of my life.
This always bothered me
And I questioned the Lord about my dilemma.
“Lord, you told me when I decided to follow You,
You would walk and talk with me all of the way.
But I’m aware that during the most troublesome
Times in my life there is only one set of footprints.
I just don’t understand why, when I needed You most,
You leave me.”
He whispered, “My precious child,
I love you and will never leave you
Never, ever, during your trials and testings.
When you saw only one set of footprints
It was then that I carried you.”

Margaret Fishback Powers

I can imagine that during the last 2 years there have not been many times when there are 2 sets of footprints. Lord, I am so thankful that I have had you to carry me.

Overwhelmed by His Grace
Tina

Congratulations to Hayden on passing his drivers education class. Beware drivers in Minden. As usual Hayden we are proud of you.

Monday, September 13, 2004 10:49 PM CDT

First I want to thank everyone who helped to make my birthday a very special day. I am a huge family person so not being with my family on my birthday was a little hard. The day was so special though I decided to share a little of it with you.

First of all we slept in (which is happening too often). I then got a phone call asking Stanton to come to St. Jude for a photo shoot. He was still asleep so as much as I hate to tell them no I knew he would be in no mood for pictures. I then get a call that there is a package at the front desk. When I opened this it was about 20 birthday cards from people that I work with. I enjoyed reading each and every one of them and can't think of a better way to start my birthday. I have to say a few tears were shed as I miss work and my coworkers so much. Thanks to all of you who made this possible.

We then had to go to the hospital to see the doctor, well actually the nurse practitioner. She said that his lab looks good and things still will go forward this week as planned. She again commented on the improvement of the MRI and is anxious to see the MIBG results. We also got the results of the urine marker tests. They do 2, one was normal and one was slightly elevated. She again was pleased with this and is anticipating good test results this week. We know who holds the test results in the palm of His hands and already knows what they are. We must continue to trust in Him and let Him do His work.

Trish had called earlier in the day and told me that they were cooking supper for us tonight which is always a treat. We got back to the house and visited with Chris and Christal while we waited on Trish and Emma Grace. Once we all got together Trish and Chris decided they would go get the stuff for dinner and Jeff and I would watch the kids. Things went pretty smoothly although I probabaly let them eat more than their parents would have. At one point Jeff called to see if they had gotten lost. While supper was cooking Trish and Chris had a little something up their sleeve. I was sitting in a chair and the kids come bearing gifts. The first bag read "Don't you just love being spoiled?". I put this in here for my staff because they know I am just a little spoiled (maybe a lot). Well, the girls gave me hair clips and a back massager. You all know how much I love to play beauty shop so this was perfect. Christal probably brushed my hair for about 45 minutes. She is a very good hair brusher. Trish and Chris gave me plenty of things to spoil me from a foot massager to lotion and things needed for a pedicure and my favorite a headache releif band. I know this will come in handy as I keep a headache. After we visited for awhile we had a great supper complete with an Italian Cream Cake which I had plenty of help blowing the candles out (which we were afraid to put all of them on there for fear of setting off the fire alarms). All in all it was a great day. No, I would not have chosen to be in Memphis at St. Jude for my birthday I am blessed to have such special friends who went way out to make it as special as possible.

Trish/Chris-I don't know that I could ever thank you enough. I am/used to be pretty spoiled. I would have an entire birthday month. You 2 took a day that could have been like any other in the St. Jude world and made it so special. God knew what he was doing when he sent me you guys. I hate the circumstances in which we met but am blessed to have formed 2 friendships that will never be broken. Love you guys!

I now have to share a couple of pretty funny stories from Stanton. His favorite saying is "God tells us to share" only when it is convenient for him. Well, last night Jeff tried it on him and Stanton said "where?". Jeff said in the Bible. Stanton said "show me". Not thinking it wise to just make up something we both scrambled to our Bibles looking for verses to share with him. He seemed pretty convinced.

One moment I will never forget is the other night when I was laying on the bed reading my Bible and devotional and Stanton comes to me with his Devotional book in hand (someone gave him a book with a childrens devotional for each day of the year) and wants to do his. He also came equipped with pencil and paper. It shows how much he pays attention to what is going on around him. Well, the devotional was about God being his Father. Boy was this confusing and I still don't think he got it. We will have to keep working on it but I figured when he kept yelling at me that "Jeff" was his father I better let is rest.

Last night I talked a little about salvation and I want to remind everyone of one more thing. God is not waiting on us to be perfect before we ask for salvation. He knows that our perfection will only come the day that we stand before him. We can come to him "as is" and ask for his forgiveness and will be forgiven. So if you think you are too far gone for God to help you I urge you to think again. There is no such thing too far gone for God.

I wanted to say a special thank you to Ruple Baptist Church on the special gift that you sent today. I am so sorry that we missed your trip through Memphis. We would have loved to meet you and have you meet Stanton. We will make sure that when we get a chance to come home we make a point to come by and see you.

Thanks again to everyone who helped make today so very special.

Only By His Grace
Tina

Sunday, September 12, 2004 10:52 PM CDT

First of all Stanton’s line is fine, they got the clot out this morning. We have had another good day with our St. Jude family and friends. I honestly don’t know how we would make it through the day without Trish, Emma Grace, Chris and Christal. First of all the girls love playing beauty shop which is right up my alley. Mr. Barney had to go home today and will be missed greatly but Really Big Bird we know where your heart is. We will take care of your girls while you are away.

We will meet with Dr. Furman tomorrow mainly just to look at his lab and make sure we don’t need to change anything but the scans should still be on for the end of the week.

The rest of this entry will be a little different than some of my other entries. I have had something on my heart and decided tonight was the night I would share with you (prompted a little by a conversation with Trish and Chris, but also by the chapter in my devotional, Experiencing the Grace of God). I thought this might be enough prompting from God. As you know I journal straight from the heart so you hear the good the bad and the in between. I also share many of my devotionals which mean so much to me. I share these thoughts with people that I meet at St. Jude on a daily basis and the doctors, nurses and other staff know where we place our faith. There is something that I often fail to mention or ask which is what this entry is about. If you were to die tonight, where would you go? If you don’t have an answer to that question or if you do have an answer, but don’t like it I encourage you to read the following scriptures. If you don’t have a bible or would like someone to talk to please don’t hesitate to call me (901)312-7425 RMH or 318-453-7775. I would love to talk to you about the benefits of being saved and what salvation has meant to me in my life. The scriptures are:
Romans 3:21-26
Ephesians 2:8-9
1John 1:19

If you don’t have a church family I encourage you to find one. If you live in the Minden area First Baptist Church of Minden will welcome you. You can talk to Brother Wayne and tell him Stanton sent you to him and he will be happy to talk to you.

Self salvation does NOT work. Man has no way to save himself. Salvation is God-given, God-driven, God empowered and God-originated. The gift is not from man to God. It is from God to man. In heaven nobody is better off than anybody else. We all have a massive sin debt that only Jesus has the ability to pay. It is NEVER to late to ask God for forgiveness.

When God sent Jesus as a sacrifice or substitute for our sins, he put grace in motion (As a parent what God put His very own son through makes what we go through so trivial). The cost of our sin is more than we can pay. Grace came to our rescue in the person of Jesus Christ.

To those of you who are saved I have a question for you- If God were to greet you at the gates of heaven and ask “Why should I let you in?” What would be your answer?

Saved By His Grace
Tina

On a lighter note, I wish you all could see Stanton running around this small room kicking balloons, playing soccer. That is not the funny part; the funny part is that he made Jeff put band aids on his knees and elbows to act as pads so he wouldn’t hurt his knees and elbows. I just wish I had a little of his energy.

Also don’t forget Mrs. Sherri having surgery tomorrow. Sherri our thoughts and prayers are with you and for a speedy recovery.

I also want to share that there is another St. Jude angel in heaven tonight. Dusty Headmon went to his eternal home about 2:00 this morning. He was 20 years old(?) and has been battling the beast for about 3 years. He fought as long as he could. Please pray for his mother Billie as she stayed by his side without fail.
This is Jeff I don't ever get on here but I wanted to wish my wonderful wife a Happy Birthday We Love you so much

Saturday, September 11, 2004 10:11 PM CDT

UPDATE 12:00 STANTON AND JEFF HAVE HAD TO GO BACK TO THE HOSPITAL BECAUSE OF LINE TROUBLE AGAIN. HIS WHITE LUMEN CONTINUES TO GIVE US TROUBLE OCCASIONALLY AND IT OBVIOUSLY HAD A BLOOD CLOT IN IT. THEY WILL INJECT IT WITH TPA AND TRY TO SUCK THE CLOT OUT.

We had a great day today so of course I am going to share. The morning started off with Trish cooking breakfast for us all (Jeff, Me, Stanton, Chris, and Christal and of course her family). This would make the 3rd meal in a row we had shared together and it was much fun as usual. Right as we were finsihing breakfast we had some very special visitors. We had heard they were coming but had not told Stanton, so when Bubba walked in with H'y, Gamma, Dakota and Brooke he was so surprised. They all drove up to spend the day with us for our birthdays. We had a great time. O.H. and Jeff stayed at the room for some much needed daddy/son time and rest and the rest of us headed for the merry go round. It was a quick trip and a long one for them I know but we sure enjoyed it. Most of you know that I just love Dakota like he is my own brother and I miss him so much. He didn't get to make the flying emergency trip up here last week so it was great to see him. Dakota-I know the LSU game would have been much more fun but I am so glad you chose to come see us. You know I hate not being able to be there for your ballgames and for my sweaty hugs afterward but after each game you can know that I am thinking of you and hugging you from afar. I love you so much. Thank you guys so much for the visit we love you all.

Tonight another very special group cooked supper at the "Donald" House and had prayer in the meditation room. The Pitman's are a group that come once a month (I don't know if you all realize what a big deal this is because there are about 52 families in the house. We got to visit with Mike and Kay for a little bit and they are such sweet people whose love of God shines through. It was kind of funny because during these services Stanton and Emma Grace kind of just do their own thing including coming and going. Everytime Emma Grace would come in she would uncross my legs and sit in my lap. Well when the service was over they thought she was my child and Trish and I were sisters I guess. (Pretty close) This was actually an honor for me for them to think this as I just love Emma Grace.

God didn't bless me with girls but he did bless me with great nieces. As for Emma Grace, I don't think I could love her more than if she was my niece. She has even begun to play beauty shop with me where she plays with my hair and for those of you who know me know that this is the way to my heart. Emma Grace-I love you more than you will ever know. I know you are not mine by blood but looking in my heart you would never know.

Christal who has also won a special place in my heart also began the beauty shop tonight and is already planning a date for tomorrow. Thanks guys for letting me be a part of your life.

Mr. Pittman mentioned something tonight that I have mentioned before but found it worthy of mentioning again. We must never forget to thank and praise God for all he has done for us. Even in the battles there are things worthy of out praise. Number one the fact that he sent his one and only son to die on the cross so that we have an eternal life to look forward to. He also reminded us that there are many people out there who don't know Jesus Christ and as Christians it is our reponsibility to share with those who don't believe to give them the opportunity for eternal life. This is definately a responsibility we shouldn't take lightly.

Thank you all for the birthday wishes for Jeff, they really meant a lot. Keep the prayers coming as this will be a long week.

One more special prayer request in case I forget to mention it tomorrow. A very special friend (Mrs. Sherri) who is the house manager here at the Ronald McDonald House (can you imagine having that job) is having surgery on Monday so please say a few extra prayers for her. She is a very special person who loves each and every one of these kids very much.

Thanking Him for my Blessings
Tina

Friday, September 10, 2004 9:03 PM CDT

UPDATE 10:30-we just got word that our hometown football team won its first game of the season (it was just their 2nd game). Roll Tide Roll!!!! Jeff's little brother plays for them and it is so hard not being there for him. Good job Dakota we heard you had a pretty good game. We hate we missed it. Congratulations to Derek (our adopted little brother) good job. We also heard that Walker won his game as well, way to go Walker. ANd the big news his sister Whittney was chosen as freshman maid for homecoming. Way to go Whit Whit. We are from such a close family we hate missing all of these events but we know what we have to do.

As I begin this entry Stanton has just gotten out of the bathtub and is running around stark naked yelling "you can't catch me". This room is not very big but Jeff is having a hard time catching him. I guess you could say that he is feeling better. He has been so funny today and so sweet most of the time.

We have not done much today but it was a day of much needed rest. Mr. Barney cooked supper for all of us tonight for Jeff's birthday. At the end Stanton and Emma Grace came around the corner singing and giving him a cookie cake. I know it was not a birthday at home but I think it is one that he will remember for a while to come. Happy Birthday Jeff, I hope we made it as special as possible. I know what you want for your birthday because I want it as much as you do (Stanton's healing) but you know as well as I do it is in God's time. I love you!

A prayer warrior emailed me a neat verse today with a neat story so of course I will share. I had read something similiar when I was given a silver bracelet with a scripture engraved in it so it was a neat reminder.

Malachi 3:3 says: "He will sit as a refiner and purifier of silver."

This verse puzzled some women in a Bible study and they wondered what this
statement meant about the character and nature of God.

One of the women offered to find out the process of refining silver and get
back to the group at their next Bible Study.

That week, the woman called a silversmith and made an appointment to watch
him at work. She didn't mention anything about the reason for her
interest beyond her curiosity about the process of refining silver.

As she watched the silversmith, he held a piece of silver over the fire and
let it heat up. He explained that in refining silver, one needed to
hold the silver in the middle of the fire where the flames were hottest as
to burn away all the impurities.

The woman thought about God holding us in such a hot spot; then she thought
again about the verse that says: "He sits as a refiner and purifier of
silver."

She asked the silversmith if it was true that he had to sit there in front
of the fire the whole time the silver was being refined.

The man answered that yes, he not only had to sit there holding the silver,
but he had to keep his eyes on the silver the entire time it was in the
fire. If the silver was left a moment too long in the flames, it would be
destroyed.

The woman was silent for a moment. Then she asked the silversmith, "How do
you know when the silver is fully refined?" He smiled at her and answered,
Oh, that's easy -- when I see my image in it."

If today you are feeling the heat of the fire, remember that God has his eye
on you and will keep watching you until He sees His image in you.

Trying to let others see His image
Tina

Thursday, September 9, 2004 9:39 PM CDT

"Come to Me, all who are weary and heavy-laden, and I will give you rest" Matthew 11:28

Even when I have been weak, to the place of tears, I've found rest. Rest in the promises of our Father, rest in the assurances that nothing depends upon me. It all depends on Him. I am simply to trust and obey, to be still and know that He is God.

I had to start this entry with this verse because I have been tired the last 2 weeks. I have had to depend soley on God's strength to get me through each day.

There are still times I want to ask why, but then another part of me says why not? What have I done to deserve all of the wonderful things God has granted me and continues to bless me with. The answer to that would be nothing except love Him. That is all He asks of me.

Now on to what I know you are all waiting on Stanton's scan results. We met with the doctors today and they were very pleased with what they had seen. First of all I wish I could say I was as happy but I am waiting patiently on next weeks results. I think a big part of me wanted them to tell me that there was nothing left. I know this is asking for a lot and I am happy with any improvement. His CT of chest and abdomen remains clean. His MRI of brain and orbits showed significant improvement in all areas. There were places that had gone away completely but there were some areas around the right eye that are still there. Again, I am anxious for the MIBG to confirm exactly what neuroblastoma is left. He will also have bone marrow biposies on Friday which we need to be clean. Dr. Furman will be talking to the Bone Marrow Transplant clinic to try to pinpoint a date for transplant to help him decide what the next step is. Please just continue to keep praying for great test results.

Emma Grace got some of her scan results back today and I do not know how official they all are since her doctor is out of town but from what they have heard so far things are really looking good. I will let Trish post specifics on her website.

Christal did goods with her surgery and there seems to be a little improvement in her eyes but again, I think time will tell.

Thanks again for all of the prayers and support. I love hearing from all who are checking in on us.

Knowing He is God
Tina

I am going to go on and post this tonight as it will be late tomorrow before I get a chance to post. Tomorrow is Jeff's birthday. I know this is not exactly how he would like to have spent his birthday but he is doing what has to be done.

Wednesday, September 8, 2004 9:03 PM CDT

Stanton did great today not being able to eat until after 2:00. He actually only had a couple of meltdowns where he was "SOOOOOOOO HUNGRY". I do believe the steroids are wearing off as he was a much sweeter Stanton today and we didn't see Stanley until sfter sedation which I guess we will now call "sedation Stanley". I know at some point I will just have to accept that there is no reason for "Stanley" except that he is just rotten but Jeff and I agree that it is something we can deal with later on right now we just want a chance to deal with it later.

I don't know when we will find out the results of the MRI. They called this afternoon to tell us that they were postponing his bone marrow biopsies for a couple of reasons 1: his platelets are 12 and they don't want to transfuse, they want him to recover on his own, and 2: they want him to finish his antibiotics. I was a little disappointed as I am ready to find out where we stand but again, God has it all under control and I am not going to worry about it. The MIBG that is a very important test for neuroblastoma that we missed last week because we were so sick had to be rescheduled. They had originally said that it would be 4 weeks which we were not comfortable with but we found a way today to squeeze it in next week. I think this is another reason they are waiting on the biopsy because these 2 tests are the most informative.

Just a reminder that Emma Grace is still undergoing scans and will find out this week what the game plan is. It has been great having them at the "Donald" house.

Another special prayer request-our little friend Christal is having eye surgery tomorrow. I don't know a lot of the details except that it is an attempt to correct some of the side effects from previous surgeries. She is such a precious child and so much fun to be around (I think she gets it from her Mom who although pregnant continues to keep trucking and making everything fun for her).

I feel like this entry is really not a typical entry for me, but I have had a headache for a few days so I am going to rest.

Thanks for the continued support and prayers.

Casting our Care on Him
Tina

Tuesday, September 7, 2004 10:24 PM CDT

Today was a good day. I guess just back to normal was good. When I woke up this morning the first thing I thought of was all that went on one week ago. In some ways it seemed like yesterday and in others it seemed like months. You better believe I started the day with a thank you prayer to God for all he had done for us in a week.

We are starting to see less of the “Stanley” episodes which may mean some of the steroid is wearing off. YEAH!!!!!

We also got some more very important news this morning. There is a perfect bone marrow match on the national donor registry for Stanton. The next step is getting a game plan (which we hope to have after this weeks scans) and contacting the donor to make sure they are still available and willing to donate. I can only imagine what a very special person must be willing to donate their bone marrow to a complete stranger.

Tomorrow Stanton will be having an MRI of his brain and orbits. The biggest part of this is that he will not be able to eat or drink until after the scan which doesn’t start until 2:00.

I also want to remind you all that Emma Grace has her follow-up scans this week. They will be determining if the treatment had any effect and what the next step is. Don’t forget to stop by and let them know you are praying for them. www.caringbridge.org/ar/emmagrace

As I have told you before I started a new book “Experiencing the Heart of Jesus” before Stanton was sent to ICU. I had put this on hold until I had more time to devote to it. Well, I got the book out last night and the chapter that I was on was about Experiencing the Peace of Jesus. The day I was on was so appropriate I have to share. Faith – The Child of Fear. This chapter revolves around the story in the bible of the disciples in the boat on a stormy sea doubting God. He then comes walking across the water. God tells Peter to get out of the boat and come to him. Peter does as told, but gets scared and begins to sink when God reaches out to him. I love this story of faith, doubt, and God’s help when faithful. Experiencing Jesus’ peace often comes at a great price to our idea of security-what we can control. We have to let go of what we know and step out into faith. There are several stories in the bible in which people didn’t do the logical things, in fact what they did seemed a little strange but they followed what God was telling them to do. It took great faith of these people to not question what God wanted and just do what He said. These people were never stronger than the moment that they let go of their own security in order to experience what only God could provide. Ultimate victory. Lasting peace.

For to many of us faith is the child of fear. It takes something to rock our world and scare us to death before we become completely dependent on God. I encourage anyone who doesn’t rely on God for everything to start doing that now. Do not wait for fear. For so many of us faith begins when you see God on the mountain and you are in the valley and you know that you are too weak to make the climb. You see what you need…you see what you have…and what you have isn’t enough to accomplish anything.

When we stand on the path of God’s grace we are able to walk on water. Death is disarmed. Failures are forgiveable. Life has real purpose. And God is not only within sight he is within reach.

We come to him, not very stable. Not feeling worthy of such grace and love. But we can stand on his promises.

People often say to me “I don’t know how you do it”. I will take no credit, all of that belongs to the One who holds me up on a daily basis. I am able to go on because I know that I can take any problem that I have to God and he will handle it. I know that He knows all of my thoughts so I hold nothing back. I start my day with a prayer and end each day the same way. The number of times I talk to Him during the day depends.

I am so thankful to God that through my trials and that through my fear I am able to experience the peace of Jesus.

Only by His Strength
Tina

Monday, September 6, 2004 9:54 PM CDT

Home sweet home away from home. Stanton was discharged from the hospital this afternoon. He is doing good, in fact it is so hard to believe how far he has come in a week. He is still on IV antibiotics which means Jeff and I will have to get up at least once (if we go to bed after midnight) to take the medicines off. It is worth it to be out of the hospital. There is no rest for the weary though as Stanton starts scans this week. His first being an MRI Wed. afternoon which also means he can’t eat all morning.

We had a great surprise today as we had some unexpected visitors from home. Alicia, Melody and Natalie DuBose stopped by to visit. It is always great to see friends from home. Thanks Alicia, I know how hard it is traveling with little ones, it means the world that you took the time to stop by.

At one point when I wasn’t journaling everyday my mom said “people need to know the good and the bad and just what your days consist of”. I am going to take her advice and share just a small part of our day today. When we left the hospital Jeff and I thought it would be nice to go somewhere and sit down and eat as a family. We picked ElChicos because they serve cheese sauce that Stanton usually loves. We knew we might be in for a treat because we were taking Stanton/Steroid Stanley and he made it clear that he wasn’t hungry but he would color while we ate. We got seated (he didn’t need a booster seat, he did need a booster seat) and so far so good. Stanton did not order a drink because he wasn’t going to eat. He then decides he wants to know what is on the menu. He wants a hot dog. ElChicos does not serve hot dogs they serve corn dogs. Stanley let us know very loudly that a corn dog was not what he wanted. Jeff and I knew he wasn’t going to be satisfied until he had a hot dog and there just happened to be Stanton’s favorite store in the same parking lot (Exxon). So, off Jeff went to buy a hot dog. In the meantime Stanton decided to eat chips and cheese and that he also wanted beans and rice. Again not so bad except that he talked to us VERY loud when he was trying to get his point across. He finished and was ready to go so he and Jeff left while I waited on the check. Well, guess what was in the front of the store, those stupid machines that sell candy, balls, etc. You can’t go wrong, right? You want a ball we will put 50 cents in the ball machine. We know better. He wanted a green and blue ball. First try-green ball, second try-green ball, (Stanley is rearing his head at this point) third try-blue ball. Not exactly what he wanted but was content. We headed outside and what does he do, he bounces his ball. Off through the parking lot into a very busy street. Once again, off Jeff goes to try to catch the blue ball. Lucky for us he was able to retrieve the blue ball. Remember this is just lunch and lasts for all of about an hour and a half. Imagine the rest of the day.

The Hampton’s have moved back to the “Donald House” and things seem kind of like old times. It will be great to have them a little closer. Barney is here with them this week as Emma Grace starts her scans to see her response to the MIBG treatment tomorrow. Please say a few special prayers for them as scan weeks are always anxious and trying on parents.

I will close with a verse that I thought pretty appropriate for Stanton this week.
Psalms 62:6

He is my defender, I will not be defeated.

Thank you all for your continued support and prayers.

Only By His Grace
Tina

Sunday, September 5, 2004 8:17 PM CDT

Stanton continues to imporve, although the mood swings do not. If things go as planned he will probably get platelets tomorrow and be discharged. Jeff and I will conitnue to give him IV antibiotics for several more days.

It is hard to believe where Stanton was less than a week ago that we are talking about discharge. It was a week of many emotions. A week where once again as a person and a christian I was changed. I went from walking along smoothly to being knocked to my knees where God reached down, picked me up and carried me most of the week. He then gently put me down giving me the strength to walk beside him. A week when amist the current burdens God was sending many blessings, many of which I have journaled about all week. One of the biggest blessings being all of the prayer warriors that sent prayers to His throne on Stanton's behalf. Knowing you all were there helped keep my spirits up when I might have been wavering.

Mom, Jamie and family, and Hayden went home today. Boy was their leaving tough. First of all Jamie-thank you for coming. You are always a welcome site. Not to mention you bring the girls. Love you. Mary Claire-I hate we didn't get more "Tina" time but I still love you more than my arms can reach. Elynn Kate-I don't know what we are going to do with you, you are a mess but I love you anyway. I promise you will love me as much as Mary Claire does one day.

Hayden-I know leaving was hard. Thanks for all you did to help us this week. It was nice to have my whole family with me although I hate it was under the circumstances. Keep up the great work at home and I promise we will have some "Mom" time soon.

Mom-I don't even know where to start. I guess I should start with thanking you for getting here so quickly that you didn't even pack enough clothes. For all of those who know you they know you must have been in a hurry. You have for the last 2 years (I guess really 32 years) dropped everything when I needed you and come running. I don't know that I have ever needed you more than this week. When you all were leaving it was all I could do not to beg you to stay. I understand you have so many other things you needed to be doing and I think we have it back under control. You know I can never repay you for all you have done for me, I can just hope that I am at least half the mom you are to me to Hayden and Stanton.

To all of you who have asked "How are you?" I am okay. Pretty tired (you all know I don't do well without sleep) but hanging in there and ready for a new week to start.

Stanton is scheduled for many follow-up scans this week. I will be posting the scan schedule and results as the time comes.

Thank you all for your continued support and prayers.

Only by His Grace
Tina

Saturday, September 4, 2004 9:35 PM CDT

Okay, so we are so ready for the steroids to be gone. We spent the majority of the day with "Steroid Stanley". He hurt Mary Claire, physically or her feelings all day. As for Elynn Kate, he didn't scare her she stood up to him no matter what. Although he wasn't himself much I enjoyed my time with the girls. I have decided that if more people thought I was as wonderful as Mary Claire did life would be sweet!

Stanton's counts continue to climb and his blood pressure is doing great. He will finish the antibiotics he is on because not knowing what was infected they need to finish all of the antibiotics. They have said that we might be discharged Monday but most probably Tuesday.

We had a very special visitor tonight and without getting into a lot of detail I would like to thank Gerhaurd Barone from Austin Texas. This is soemone who found Stanton's website and has been praying for him daily. He was passing through Memphis and said he just had to try to meet us. I know that he wanted no special recognition but you cannot imagine the impact of a complete stranger taking time to stop by, bring gifts and get to know us a little better. Thank you for all of your prayers. It was great to visit with you, you did get to see the whole circus.

I want to close wiht the poem on the card that Mr. Barone brought. Of course it brought tears but was so special.

Blessings in Disguise
Emily Matthews

The world is full of miracles
to those who recognize them,
But we have to look the right way
since God sometimes will disguise them.
He shines His light in places
where we'd least expect Him to,
And often does the opposite of what
we think He'll do..
He has a way of bringing out
the best within the worst
The moment we stop worrying
and choose to put Him first,
And if we do,
He'll pull us through
and help us find the door
that opens to the very thing that we'd been looking for.

What a special poem and so very true. Thank you again for bringing a very special light into our day.

Only By His Grace
Tina

Friday, September 3, 2004 9:51 PM CDT

What a week! I am happy to report that we are back on the 2nd floor. Stanton is off all of the blood pressure medicines and seems to be doing fine. One thing he doesn't want to do is stay in the room. He was pretty funny when we put him down and he tried to walk. It didn't take long and he decided he was ready to jump. It is so good to see him feeling so much better. I think it will still take some time for me to absorb the reality of how sick he was.

I have a couple of very special people I want to thank. Mrs. Beth (ICU nurse)-you took a very sick baby and 2 very scared parents and made the best of a very bad situation. We know that God sent you to work that day with Stanton in mind, knowing it would take someone special. You obviously love your job and are very good at it. Thank you for all you did for us this week. It will never be forgotten. Ms. Leslie (ICU night nurse)-you were the consistency for the week. Again, I believe you were sent to take care of us the 3 nights we were in ICU. You took the time to explain so much and to try to ease our fears. We couldn't have asked for more. Your love for your job shines through as well. Keep up the good work. ALthough you guys were great I can't say that I hope to see you again (at least not while you are working).

As you all know I have spent a lot of time reflecting this past week. Maybe things had been going a little to smoothly for us (maybe not???), maybe I was beginning to worry about things that I had no business worrying about, whatever it was that I was or was not doing God needed to get my attention. I sometimes try to remind God that things don't have to be so drastic, we have come a long way. Although the week has been tough there have been blessings along the way. I mentioned 2 of them above. I also continue to see Stanton bring our family closer together and closer to God. How many of you get to spend 24 hours a day 7 days a week with at least one of your children and your very best friend? Stanton is amazing and I know I am spending much more time than most parents getting to enjoy him and watch him grow. As I say often there are memories that aren't captured on film or video that will never be forgotten. As for my best friend, Jeff-what can I say except that you have been the rock as usual. Not many men could do what you do day in and day out and I know that. I know many have questioned why you choose to stay up here with us and I think this week was a very good example. I could not have done it without you. Thank you for always being here for us. I love you.

We are anxiously awaiting the arrival of NeNe (Jamie), Scotty, Mary Claire and Elynn Kate. That is the first thing Stanton did this mornign was tell Jeff to change the calendar to "3" becasue NeNe was coming. It has been hard trying to explain to him about the concept of time. Jamie-I know how hard it was for you Tuesday not to drop everything and come. I understand completely and can't wait to see you and my girls.

Daddy went home today. His back and traveling and sitting around don't mix. I know leaving was hard but I know staying would have been hard to. Daddy-I love you so much. Thank you for stopping your world to come be here for me and Stanton. I guess I will always be a daddy's girl and your hugs can easy any pain.

To all of you who have prayed for us this week and every week, thank you. Obviously God heard our prayers and is an AWESOME GOD! Keep those prayers coming as the journey will still be long.

Finally walking beside HIM
Tina

Friday, September 3, 2004 2:50 PM CDT

Quick update: Stanton is continuing to improve. They have finally taken him off of his blood pressure medicine and are watching him to see how he will do. I will update more later.

Holding His Hand
Tina

Thursday, September 2, 2004 8:52 PM CDT

I am so sorry that this is the first time I have gotten to journal today. I know you all have been looking for updates. Stanton is still in ICU but making steady progress. They are still trying to wean him from the Dopamine. He was more himself today but we did make more of an effort to try to keep him awake because he was beginning to get his nights and days mixed up. He got furious with me last night about midnight because I could not make the sun come out or Dora come on the TV (of course a movie wouldn't do and he did know the difference). We have seen "Steroid Stanley" many times today. This is an ego we could all live without. Mom reminded me today that we have been blessed because with all that he has been through Stanton has maintained an AWESOME attitude (better than I would have I am afraid) and that days like today have been few and far between. We will continue weaning the medication and hopefully by tomorrow move to the 2nd floor. He has had no more fever and no cultures have grown any bug. Pretty confusing but pretty Stanton (he gets a little of that from me I guess).

I can't thank all of you enough for all of the support this week via email, guestbook entries, phone calls, you can not know how much it means to look at everyone that is praying for Stanton and the lives that he has touched.

Still being carried in HIS arms
Tina

Wednesday, September 1, 2004 8:35 PM CDT

You all should have known I would be back. Stanton has been stable on the Dopamine but they have not been able to back it off anymore, in fact they had to raise it just a little. He has only had one fever today. We are still in ICU and will continue to try to wean him off of these medicines.

He did actually get up and play this afternoon which was a HUGE change because this morning he wanted nothing to do with anybody. He is also on a steroid which is always a pleasant experience with Stanton. Just picture it "Stanley" on steroids. Yes those are very trying times.

I have gotten to have a good bit or quiet time in the evenings these last 2 days so tonight I went to the parent room and starting reading my devotional. Something just wasn't clicking so I stopped and prayed for God to tell me what He was trying to say to me. I knew I wanted to journal on my web page tonight to remind everyone that although our trials continue our faith does not waiver. This prayer led me to another devotional book and when I read the verse and devotional I knew I had the answer I had asked for. It is one that I will quote because I don't want you to miss anything.

2 Corinthians 4:17

For our light affliction, which is but for a moment, worketh for us a far more exceeding and eternal weight of glory.

"Do you ever feel your trials are like wearing a crown of thorns? Be faithful. As you trust in God, your crown will be taken away and He will hand you a crown with stars instead. Remember to thank and praise him.

Do you feel like you are overloaded and your hands filled with heavy cares? Be faithful. As you keep trusting God, He will take your heavy cares and place a harp in your grasp, so you may sing glory and honor to God for all He has done. Remember to thank and praise him.

Hold on and do not despair. There will be a time when you look back and your trials will seem nothing in light of the many unanswered prayers, MIRACLES, and evidence of God's glory and grace.

Step by step, day by day, He takes each trial and turns it inside out. Triumphs emerge like a marvelous spiritual metamorphosis. Each of your obedient acts will be transformed into joy unspeakable!

So, take heart. Stay faithful. When all is ever so dark, know for sure that the morning follows the night.

When the dawn breaks through, remember to lift your heart in thanksgiving and praise to the One who gives all comfort and help."

Anita Corrinne Donihue
When I'm Praising God

I think it is obvious why this devotional stuck out to me. Boy does it feel like our trials have been HUGE! I continue to believe that God has this trial and so many others left to come completely in His hands. I cannot imagine having to have faced yesterday and today without being able to say "Lord, carry me because I can't walk on my own right now"

As I said yesterday at St. Jude we have always known that things can change in the blink of an eye, which is the main reason that Jeff and I both stay in Memphis. Fortunately until yesterday this was not a feeling that we had experienced. I realized that this is not something that can happen just at St. Jude. Everyone's life can be changed in the blink of an eye. Noone is guaranteed a tomorrow. So I end this with reminding you to never take anything or anyone for granted. If you love someone, tell them often. If you have children, spend time with them, hug them and remind them that you love them often.

Still Being Carried In His Arms
Tina

Wednesday, September 1, 2004 3:05 PM CDT

Okay, just a quick update for now I will probably add more later. You all know I will have to come back with words of faith and wisdom that God has provided for me but I know everyone is anxious for an update.

Stanton is slowly continuing to improve. The doctor just reminded us that he is still very sick but appears to be getting better. His blood pressure-they have weaned him from one of the drugs and are weaning down the other. They apparently may have tried to wean it to fast so they have bumped it up a little bit. (For you medical people they stopped the epinephrine and are decreasing the Dopamine). He had been fever free for about 14 hours but has spiked another temp this afternoon.

He is still in ICU and really not himself. He just lays around and bosses us around (yes some of his traits don't change even when he feels bad).

Mom, Dad and Hayden got here yesterday afternoon. O.H., Debbie, Hank, Dana and Hollan got here early this morning. It is much easier surrounded by family.

Thank you all for your continued support and prayers. It means the world to read the guestbook and hear from all of you who are keeping up the prayers.

Still Being Carried In His Arms
Tina

Tuesday, August 31, 2004 3:48 PM CDT

8:21 p.m. I just wanted to let everyone know that Stanton is doing a little better. His fever has gone down some with the help of Tylenol. They finally got his blood pressure under control now the big trick will be weaning him from the medicine which we have already started. Mom, Dad and Hayden got here this afternoon. Things were not quite as scary by the time they got here. The nurse just told us that he was not out of the woods yet but was much farther out than this morning.

Today was another one of those days at St. Jude's when you are reminded that you are not just another patient, you are part of a family. From all of the doctors and nurses taking care of him to all of the doctors and nurses just checking on their "baby". Dr. Furman-you were a bright spot in today. You helped us go from the "if" mode to the "when" mode. Thank you, you will always be special to us. Sandy-I don't know that I can say anymore than what we already say to you. You are the very best.

I also want to say a special thanks to Trish who has enough on her plate but has been there for me all day today. She shared with me a couple of books and guess what? I am going to share a little of one with you tonight. I have spent many moments today with God aksing for healing for Stanton and strength for Jeff and I. The verse I want to share is Psalms 33:20-22

We wait in hope for the Lord; he is our help and our shield. In Him our hearts rejoice, for we trusr in his holy name. May your unfailing love rest upon us, O Lord, even as we put our hope in you.

We spend a lot of our time waiting. Today was no exception. But we waited with hope in the Lord, knowing he had the whole situation in His hands. Once again, we will not let the devil take a place in our lives by taking away our hope and trust in Jesus Christ.

I know this is an early journal for me and it will be a pretty short one as well. When I have told people before that at St. Jude things can change in the blink of an eye. That happened to us this morning. Stanton obviously has a very nasty infection (no source just yet, but most likely line). His blood pressure has dropped to very dangerous levels and he was transferred to ICU this morning. The doctors tell you from best to worst so first thing this morning we were told that this was a possible life threatening infection. Talk about cahnge in a blink of an eye. Jeff and I are hanging in there now that the shock has worn off. They are continuing to increase his blood pressure medicine trying to get his blood pressure to the right level. They will continue to give the antibiotics to fight whatever infection is going on. I will post as often as possible.

We need specific prayers for Stanton and all that his little body is being forced to go through at this moment. He is alert sometimes but sleepy most of the time.

Thank you all for your continued support and prayers.

Being Carried In His Arms today
Tina

Monday, August 30, 2004 9:42 PM CDT

UPDATE 11:57 PM THE ADMITS WIN. AFTER WE GOT BACK HIS FEVER NEVER WENT DOWN SO WE TOOK HIM BACK TO THE HOSPITAL AND THEY ADMITTED HIM. I THINK THE NURSES HAD A POOL GOING ON HOW LONG THIS OBSESSIVE MOM AND DAD WOULD STAY GONE. MOM-HE IS IN ROOM 2069.

Will we be admitted, will we not be admitted, that is the question? We have had an okay day. When we left this morning we knew Stanton would have to have platelets. Well, we were right he needed blood and platelets. So we went to get these and things were going along pretty smoothly until about 30 minutes before he was finsihed and his blood came unhooked from his line. Not a big deal, but scared Stanton to death. We cleaned him up and tried to explain what had happened and he finally understood. The doctor decided that since he was so close to finished we didn't have to wait on more blood to come up so they came to take his vitals and his temperature was 38.8 C (I think they use this measurement to keep me confused but a fever is considered 37.4 and above). The nurse went and called the doctor and he wanted to wait an hour to seeif it was possibly blood related. After an hour it had gone down to 38.2 so he told us to go back to RMH and keep checking it and if it didn't go down more or stayed the same to call him. This is a first for us as everytime our counts have been 0 and we get even a small fever we are admitted so I will give the latest update as soon as we are admitted or not.

The morning actually started out with a "Stanley" moment. He wanted to wear a red shirt with orange shorts. I have given in several times and he has gone to the hospital in what he wanted to wear but this was more than I could handle. I finally won the battle (Dr. Furman reminded me it was just one battle and I would not win the war against Stanton). Pretty sad though I had to threaten to take his laptop away from him. Knowing I would have never gone through with it but it worked.

Hayden had a ballgame tonight and from what I understand was up against a pretty big guy. Everyone I talked to said he would probably be very sore. What I have to say is Hayden-I am so proud of you. You never said you couldn't do it, that guy is to big. You kept getting up and giving it your all. Keep up the good work. I can't wait to see you this weekend.

I had a call from a very special person again tonight. She seems to know when I need a pick me up the most. Joyce thanks again your timing is always perfect.

This was not as short as I thought it would be but I am going to go and try to get things organized in case we have to go to the hospital in the middle of the night.

Being Carried In His Arms
Tina

Sunday, August 29, 2004 8:54 PM CDT

I cannot believe I forgot to mention yesterday that it was one year ago that we went home to begin our new "cancer free" life. We had been in Memphis for 8 months with a few brief visits home. This had been a day we had been waiting on for months but was a day I had begun to dread. We were leaving our "safety net". Dr. Furman assured me I would be fine and that he was only a phone call away. He was right, it took time but life began to get to our "new normal" and he was only a phone call away. He proved it on more than one occasion. I would never have imagined then that a year later our lives would be back in Memphis. But as I have said before God just wasn't finished with us yet as we see on a daily basis.

Today has been good as far as it can go being in the room. We don't let him out much when his counts are down.
We have played lots of games and I am tired of losing. There is no way to win with Stanton. Not only do Jeff and I get beat all the time but Stanton rubs it in that we are the losers.

Trish and I went to Kroger while the kids stayed with Jeff. I guess that says how pathetic we are when our day out consisted of going to Kroger but it was great fellowship. Emma Grace's counts have begun to fall just as expected. She is actually in the medicine room getting blood and platelets.

Jeff is on the phone with some of our very most favorite people. So Mr. Kennedy I won't say anything bad about Jeff tonight although it was nice of you to remind him how lucky you were to be married to Mrs. Kennedy. Thank you guys for continuing to keep in touch. We love you.

My new chapter in Experiencing the Heart of Jesus is called "Experiencing the Peace of Jesus". One of the questions was has your life ever been a little chaotic? Well, what a question? I think the answer to that would have to be YES! My life went from calm to chaos in the matter of about 30 seconds (and that was just one moment). I know this is going to be a very interesting chapter and I can't wait to share it with all of you. What I want to share tonight is the prayer they asked you to pray before starting this chapter:

Dear Father, I need to hear your voice above the chaos in my life. Sometimes I am faced with hard decisions, and sometimes I am plaqued with doubt. Teach me to trust you. I want to experience the peace of Jesus. Help me see His peaceful attitudes, decisions and demeanor. Help me mirror Him in my own life. Amen

I prayed this prayer which has several parts which I pray on a daily basis. My favorite one is help me to be like you. Help me to live so that people may see Jesus in me.

The rest of the chapter went on to talk about how Jesus has experienced everything that we have. He was on earth as a human so that he could better understand how we feel when we were in trouble. After you read on and on about the trials that Jesus (God's own son) faced it makes some of our trials seem trivial.

This just in and I have to share. Jeff was playing the gameboy and Stanton wanted to play. Well there is nothing like 2 kids fighting over their toys (I can't say anything but that is really Jeff's out). Anyway, Stanton looked at Jeff and said you need to read your Bible because Jesus says to share. Again, the pot calling the kettle black. Guess who has the gameboy?

Thank you all for your continued prayers and support. We love you all!

Only By His Grace
Tina

I almost hate to mention this on my website but there are some very special people working hard on a benefit for Stanton. There will be a fish fry on Sept. 18 and I think maybe some items being raffled off. The number to call to buy tickets or ask questions is 318-371-2229. Again, I generally would not mention this but they are working so hard I wanted to help them get the word out.

Saturday, August 28, 2004 10:02 PM CDT

Today was pretty uneventful. We took Stanton’s temperature throughout the day to make sure he had no fever but none yet. It was pretty yucky and rainy here all day so I took the opportunity to clean a little bit and Stanton played. He did good not wanting to be out, he really doesn’t like his mask.

Michael Waltrip called today as part of his winning the car design contest. Of course, Stanton would not talk to “the blur race car man” but Michael seemed to understand. He was very nice and it was nice that he took time out of his day (a race day at that to call). He also called Hayden which was pretty special since we didn’t know that this would be possible since he wouldn’t be in Memphis with us.

Lauren King Ministries came for their monthly supper and fellowship time. I have come to look forward to this time so much. Stanton has as well, the other night when we asked what he wanted to eat he said I want those people to come cook for me. After a few questions he said “you know the people that come sing”. I then realized what he was talking about. So he was thrilled to see them here tonight. The leaders of this organization are Larron and Anita King who had a daughter at St. Jude when she was very young. Their daughter is one that God is holding in his arms each night now. It is amazing to see what their experience has done to their faith in God and the lives that they touch monthly because of a very difficult situation in their life.

Trish, Emma Grace, Bubba Eli and Trish’s mom and dad were able to come over for this tonight. It was great to get to worship together although a little more emotional when we are both in the room. As I said Trish you are so often the rock that I need. And you know that I am here for you always. Eli-Stanton misses his bubba so much he had so much fun playing with you tonight. Thank you for spending some special time with him. Trish’s mom and dad (NaNa and PaPa) it was great to meet you today. We love your daughter and grandchildren like they are our sister and niece. They were a special blessing that came in the midst of a trial.

Larron and Anita-You two are two of the most amazing people I have ever met. Your love of God shines from you and when I am around you I can’t help but feel so close to God and what he is doing in my life. Tonight when we usually sing and you decided to talk first, it was almost like you had been reading my mind the last few weeks (that’s actually pretty scary). The part about the rest of the world continuing to turn. While we are here, our world stands still. Life revolves around Stanton and his doctor visits and lab work. I do work from here some which is a great out for me, but it is really so that I feel needed for something other that this. I often go into my mode of wondering what everyone else is up to because the longer we are here the less we hear from people. I think people don’t realize that we enjoy just talking about real world things as well as Stanton. It was a nice reminder that there are so many people who pray for us daily. It is obvious by the number of people that visit this website. Thank you. God is most certainly using you both in special ways.

Part of my devotional tonight was about Moses and how God is not through with us yet. That has been our motto since we have been back at St. Jude. There are still many great things in store for us. I want to quote a paragraph from Experiencing the Heart of Jesus:

“There is more to your life than you ever thought. There is more to your story than what you have read. There is more to your song than what you have sung. A good author saves the best for last. A great composer keeps his finest for the finish. And God, the author of life and composer of hope has done the same for you.

The best is yet to be
And so I urge you, don’t give up
And so I plead, finish the journey.
And so I exhort, be there.
Be there when God whispers your name.”

God speaks to us in so many ways. Through people we meet, things we hear and read, feelings and impressions. These everyday occurrences, a sermon, a poem, a contact with an old friend, words of wisdom from someone you respect greatly (Larron) are not coincidences. These are all ways God is talking to you. He is guiding you away from the ways of the world and to the ways of his kingdom. We must take the time to stop and listen. You won’t always understand why you are on the path that you are on or where it is leading, but God does. Trust his plan for your life and follow it.

I want to thank all of you back home who continue to keep us in your prayers and support. I also want to thank all of you who check our website on regular basis and keep praying. I love the journal entries. It is so awesome to see how many people have heard and continue to hear our story. A special thank you to Lori R.-I needed the email where you reminded me what I had written and sharing with me what it had meant to you. You are one of my very best friends and I love you so much.

Keeping my ears open
Tina

I want to mention a little about the National Bone Marrow Donor Registry. I hate I don’t have more information but I am sure if anyone is interested I can get some. This is a list of people who have signed up to be bone marrow donors. In my eyes they are very special people. Never in my wildest dreams did I ever expect to need the generosity of a stranger to save my child’s life. If this is something that you are interested in I encourage you to follow up on what it takes to be a donor. You need to be serious because there is a little involved if you are actually chosen to be a donor and you wouldn’t want to back out at the last minute. I personally have not registered yet because I want to be 100% certain that I cannot help Stanton. When that is decided I will certainly enroll. Anyway, that is a very personal decision but I wanted to make sure everyone knew how important it is and how it could affect someone’s life.

Friday, August 27, 2004 10:01 PM CDT

Things were going along pretty smoothly today until about 4:00. We were actually getting ready to take Stanton to the mall to ride the merry go round (he can ride as many times as he wants and it is air conditioned). I looked up and Jeff was taking his temperature. Guess what 37.5 (fever is considered 37.4 and greater). So I called the clinic and off we went. By the time we got there of course there was no fever which was good but they did all the blood work anyway. Good thing because we would have never dreamed Stanton's ANC would drop so quickly. It was 2200 yesterday and 0 today. I do know there was some trouble with the machine but we will play it safe anyway. He was not happy about wearing a mask but the good news is his fever went away so he didn't end up in the hospital.

I got tickled as Stanton was eating macaroni and cheese with Christal and they were conversing which is pretty funny in itself. Christal is a hoot. I told Stanton to hurry because it was bath night. Christal said "at least you don't have to wash your hair because you don't have any hair". Chris (Christal's mom) looked at her like I can't believe you said that. Stanton said "I do to have hair" "A little bit". Yes, this is a touchy subject lately. He was sitting in the floor and found a piece of hair (probably mine) and stood up and yelled "Oh no, my hair is falling out" For those of you who haven't seen him he has been "slick" for over a month now. I wiil have to try to post a new picture but you all know how good I am at that.

My verse for today is: Proverbs 3:5

Trust the Lord with all your heart, and don't depend on your own understanding.

This is something we have learned the last 2 years. We don't have to nor will we understand the reason behind everything that happens in our lives. I have become thankful to not know what is going to happen and work on a daily basis to put everything in the Lord's hands.

I wanted to pick up with our story from last year because here is where it got pretty interesting. We discharged after his second round of chemo which made him very very sick. I was pretty down because mom was gone but hanging in there. This was all on a Saturday. That night Stanton was walking around in the room and he fell down, that simple. He cried a little bit and wouldn't get up. It was late, and he had felt terrible so Jeff picked him up and we looked at his leg. We both thought "there is no way that it is broken, he didn't fall that hard". Well, we put him to bed and were up most of the night with him sick. The next day he wouldn't get out of bed. We knew he didn't feel good, but we could not make him stand up. This is when we knew there was something wrong. I called the hospital and they said to bring him in. When we got there they said that maybe he had just strained a muscle, they couldn't imagine anything being broken because he was so calm and not crying. The only time he cried was when they x-rayed his leg and were moving it around a bunch and even then he just wimpered. A little while later would end up being another night I will never forget. The doctor came in and said "his femur is broken in too". I started crying and she felt so bad. I guess everything had just been too much. Had we/he not been through enough. My heart ached at the pain thresehold he must have to break his femur and not cry. The doctors were wonderful and called in orthopedic specialists from another hospital and back up to the unit he went. They couldn't cast it immediately to give the swelling some time to go down. I will pick up with the rest later.

Leaning on Him
Tina

Thursday, August 26, 2004 10:44 PM CDT

Okay, I have so much to say tonight and I am not even sure I can put it into words. We met with the Dr. Furman, Dr. Metzger and Nurse Sandy. First of all you cannont even imagine how AWESOME this team is. We have been blessed from the beginning to have such wonderful people taking care of Stanton. He doesn't always act like it but they are so much a part of his family.

His counts were good today, he did need blood but we were expecting that. His platelets were good and his ANC was 2200. This is not unusual and will probably bottom out by Monday. We are still praying for fever free.

Knowing not to plan to far in advance but still having the nature to have a game plan I started asking questions about where we go from here. Stanton will begin scanning next week and continue into the next week. It really depends on what these scans show as to the next step. The doctors seem to think we are going to see some improvement with these scans. That is definately our prayer. Which means that after these scans he would be ready for a donor bone marrow transplant. He will have to stay on some form of chemo until they can get this ready but they seem to have a game plan about that as well. I decided that since we had heard nothing from the bone marrow clinic I would try to find out where we are in the process.

This is where we stand with that there were 4 possible matches. 1 was temporarily unavailable, one was permanently unavailable and the other 2 had sent blood samples to St. Jude to be tested. We are hoping to know the results of this lab work within the next week or so. The next thing that would happen is when our clinic said he was ready they would contact the donor and begin the process from that end. So, there is a real possibility that Stanton will have a bone marrow transplant in October. This is a good way away to plan for so definatley not set in stone. I guess what we are most concerned about is that this is a pretty final step, there will be other options but they will be limited to how much his body can handle. I am leaving the time frame up to God which brings me to my heavy heart for the day.

For all of these months there has been no end in sight. If we get a date for transplant there is a small light at the end of a long tunnel. Part of me was so happy to hear this and the other part was kind of okay with the day to day. Stanton feels good and the next step of the journey is pretty scary. So you know what I did, I prayed. I prayed for the strength to remember to let it all be in God's hand. I prayed for the doctors to make the best decisons for Stanton. I prayed for God to remind me that although there is somewhat of a plan to continue to live one day at a time. This is the time when my leap of faith will be tested. I am going to just fall into His arms and when I feel the need to meltdown the first place I am going to go is to Him.

I still have a hard time believing that this is my life. Part of me is in some comfort zone while the other part of me misses home and work so much.

Although we managed to get some progress made today it has been pretty emotional. Thank you for your continued support and prayers. We are still praying for no fever or infection.

As I write this 2 of my favorite men in the world are brushing my hair (to those of you who know me you know how much I love this).

I will leave you tonight with a verse that I am sure I have quoted before but believe it or not was where my devotional led me tonight.

Matthew 6:34

So don't be anxious about tomorrow. God will take careof your tomorrow too. Live one day at a time.

Ecclesiastis 3:10
Everything is appropriate in to own times. But though God has planted eternity in the hearts of men, even so, many cannot see the whole scope of God's work from beginning to end.

Thank you all for your continued support and prayers. We love you all.

Not anxious about tomorrow
Tina

Wednesday, August 25, 2004 11:02 PM CDT

First of all the line is fixed. The TPA worked and the clot dissolved. WHEW!!! Today was another day that we didn’t have any appointments but ALSAC (the fundraising arm of St. Jude) called and asked us to come speak at a lunch meeting. I will not tell them no and am even beginning to enjoy telling our story (no, I can’t do it without tears yet). It is beginning to get hard to tell a shortened version since we have been doing this for almost 2 years now. The group we were speaking to was a group of executives from the Domino’s pizza corporation. I have told you before that Domino’s is becoming a corporate sponsor of St. Jude’s and that is a really big deal. (needless to say they will become our pizza of choice).

The executives were all so nice and happy to meet ½ of the artist team that designed their new race car. Stanton was an absolute angel and they really got to see some of the cuter aspects of his personality. There will be press releases coming soon about this new partnership but I just wanted everyone to have a little heads up because as you all know St. Jude has done so much for us. All of these executives were so interested in hearing Stanton’s story and were all so genuine. Thank all of you for all you have done and continue to do.

Now for all of the people of Minden that read this update. You will never know how proud I am to be introduced as being from Minden. With ALSAC that is a very big deal and everyone know about Minden ( the largest per capita donator in the US). The Domino’s asked why? All I could say is we are a small town with a BIG Heart. The money you all raise each year is absolutely amazing and from someone who is benefiting from is thank you! The amazing thing is that you all not only have supported St. Jude but have wrapped your arms around our family for the last 2 years. Thank you really doesn’t seem like enough. I just wanted to let all of you know how proud I was to be a part of such a great community.

After the luncheon we got some bright idea to take Stanton/Stanley and Emma Grace/Ellie May to the zoo. Whose bright idea was that? None of us will take credit. They can be so sweet but they can also be so bad! Needless to say the trip to the zoo was a short one which was fine with me because it was hot. I also have to say that Mimi Sharyn fixed the black bowl problem. When they went to dinner last night Cracker Barrel’s to go boxes were black. She got several and brought them to us so that is one meltdown we should be able to avoid.

Tonight I have to share my Grace for the Moment Devotional and it was one that I am just going to share it word for word.

John 5:24

I tell you the truth, whoever hears what I say and believes in the One who sent me has eternal life.

When you recognize God as Creator, you will admire him. When you recognize His wisdom , you will learn from him. When you discover His strength, you will rely on Him. But only when He saves you will you worship Him.

It’s a “before and after” scenario. Before your rescue, you could easily keep God at a distance…..Sure He was important, but so was your career, your status, your salary….

Then came the storm…the rage…the fight…the ripped moorings…Despair fell like a fog; your bearings were gone. In your heart, you knew there was no exit.

Turn to your career for help? Only if you want to hide from the storm…not escape it. Lean on your status for strength? A storm is not impressed with your title…

Suddenly you are left with only one option: God.

From In the Eye of the Storm by Max Lucado

I think you will all understand why I felt the need to share this entire devotional, especially if you knew the person that I used to be. I talk to Mrs. Joyce on a regular basis sometimes about work and sometimes about life in general but on more than one occasion she has told me how proud of me and how much I have grown in the past year. It means the world to me that Mrs. Joyce has not only seen my growth but is proud of me. I by no means have done anything to try to impress anyone but it is special to hear it from such a special person. Thank you Joyce.

I promise to continue the story from the beginning one night when I am not so long winded. Specific prayer request: Stanton’s counts will be dropping if they are not already. Pray for no fever or infection as his he will be immunocompromised.

Thank you all for your continued prayers and support.

Leaning on Him
Tina

Wednesday, August 25, 2004 0:20 AM CDT

Well as you can tell by the time of this entry our easy day turned into anything but easy at the last minute. So expect this entry to be relatively short.

We had nothing to do at the hospital so it was a pretty easy day, we slept late, I worked a little bit, we cleaned the room and the highlight of the day was when Emma Grace and Sarah Claire came to play. Again I can't express how you can love a child that is not your own so much and you all know what we think of Emma Grace but Sarah Claire has worked her way into a very special place in our lives. I admire her mother (Monica) for being such a positve person although I know things are not always easy. Monica and her mother (MiMi Sharyn) had gone to get platelets and we knew something was up when they took the kids in the bathroom. When they emerged, Stanton was dressed in a spiderman "wake up" suit (which means he can wear it during the day and Emma Grace had on a black leotard with the cutest tutu skirt. They were hilarious. Thank you guys for the great few days.

Everything was going good and we were getting ready for bed (it was 10:00 Stanton should have been tired, he had not had a nap and his hemoglobin should be low) then Jeff started to flush Stanton's lines. The red one was fine but the white one wouldn't flush. This meant a trip to the medicine room (2 hours) where they injected TPA into the line to try to break up the blood clot that has developed. We will go back in the morning for them to try to suck the clot out. Pray that this problem is easily solved. He has had this before and it is always nerve racking knowing that there is a clot anywhere.

My devotional for tonight focused on God promising us the Holy Spirit to care for us at every level of our need. He will guide us, He will bring scripture to mind when you need answers and He will give you the words when you need to be a witness. It also reminded me that noone is always strong nor is anyone always secure. This is why He sent the Holy Spirit. Too many of us try to make our way through life on our own power. The world teaches us to work harder, always be strong and that your world will always be good as long as you are good. We are reminded in Matthew 19:17 "No one is good". We all need God's help in everything that we do.

Sorry for the semi-short entry but it is way past my bedtime.

Still Standing on His Promises
Tina

Monday, August 23, 2004 9:48 PM CDT

Well it is back to our home away from the hospital home. Stanton got to come back to the Donald House this morning. He had to stay on fluids until tonight, but it was worth coming home. Jeff and I have gotten pretty good and all of the medical equipment and medicine. Stanton came in and played like he hadn't seen his toys in months. He also got a special package today with lots of cool stuff. Thank you Robin and Andy he loved it especially the monkey.

This story I have to share. On the way home from the hospital he wanted McDonalds to eat (of course, where else is there). When we got there they asked if the happy meal was for a boy or a girl. We picked on him about it being for a girl and he informed us he was NOT a girl. When we got home, he saw Polly Pockets on the side of the bag. Well, needless to say, he wanted a polly pocket. I told him that I thought he would be getting a hot wheel. He was not happy. This was a time when I thanked God for the simple things. There was a polly pocket in the bag not a hot wheel. One meltdown avoided.

We let Stanton decided where he wanted to go for supper and he picked Spaghetti Warehouse. He also wanted to make sure Emma Grace wa going. So off we head to eat with Trish, Emma Grace, Monica, Mimi Sharyn, and Sarah Claire (these are some dear friends we met through the Hampton's). We have grown to love you guys and consider you one of our St. Jude families. It didn't take long for Sarah Claire to work her way into our hearts. I can't believe you came out to eat with us again after the circus the last time. Of course nothing we ever do is easy. First of all they had no plain butter, it was garlic butter. We all know how it goes when things don't go Stanton's way. He then was okay and wanted macaroni and cheese. This was fine until they brought it in a white bowl. He likes his macaroni in a black bowl (Outback serves theirs in black bowls). Is it obvious we eat out too much. He pitched a fit but it was so sweet when the waiter came back Emma Grace said "Do you have any black bowls?" She is always taking care of her boyfriend. He did not eat much, but he did stop crying. At least with a bald head he doesn't need a sign (you know the "I am a brat with cancer" one). Although we look like terrible parents when we don't let him get his way.

Joyce-Stanton gave Emma Grace her blanket and pillow. It was so cute and she loved it. When we left her tonight she had the blanket on the floor laying on it and her pillow. I think I heard the sweetest thing I have ever heard tonight. Emma Grace sang Amazing Grace for us. She knows all of the words to all of the verses. It was so cute. We talked at supper about how simple things are with these kids and how easy it would be on all of us uf we let things be this simple.

I started a new devotional study book tonight called "Experiencing the Heart of Jesus, Knowing His Heart, Feeling His Love" by Max Lucado (I have come to love this author). I have to say that just the introduction and day one touched my heart in such a way that I can't even put into words. I will share as much of this as I can but some of it will be so personal. Day one wsa called "The God You Can Trust". It of course talked about God and the trials that we are all forced to face from the smallest to the biggest and how easy it is to doubt God and his promises when we are going through these trials.

I guess the part that hit closest to home was the section entitled ENTRUSTING OURSELVES TO HIS CARE. The question was asked "What does God do when we get in a bind?" The answer "He fights". His job is to fight, our job is to trust. Not direct, or question, or try to take the steering wheel out of His hand. Our job is to pray and wait. Nothing more is needed. Psalm 62:6 He is my defender, I will not be defeated.

Mr. Lucado went on to tell the story of a little girl jumping into the arms of her father. She didn't question whether he would catch her she just jumped. She trusted the big arms of her father. The next time you begin to wonder if God can catch you read the verse Eph. 1:19-20 "That power is the same great strength God used to raise Christ from the dead" The very arms that defeated death are the arms that are waiting to catch you.

This just skims the surface of day one of this book. I am so excited about this devotional. I can only imagine that it will bring me to an even closer walk with God.

To all of you who will start school tomorrow good luck. Hayden have a great day! Mom/Mrs. Gail-hang in there I know the first few days are rough. You 2 are a great team.

Trusting while He fights
Tina

Sunday, August 22, 2004 7:07 PM CDT

I am sitting here watching Stanton causing us to eat our words. We had ordered a pizza for supper and he didn't want any, he wanted corn dogs. Well when the pizza got here and there was no cheese pizza "Stanley" arrived. He screamed, I was convinced I WAS NOT ordering another pizza and Jeff is saying "you know he is going to scream until you order one". I lost and ordered a pizza and said if there was any way I could make him eat every piece I would. Well, he is sitting oh so sweetly on the couch eating his 3rd piece of pizza reminding me that he is going to eat it all. How would have thought?

We are waiting on a urinalysis to prove that he is hydrated enough to start chemo at 8:00. He has had 2 so far and they were 10.11 and they have to be 10.10. They are running in 200 cc's of fluids in the next 30 minutes so we might as well attacha urinal to him.

He has gotten addicted to the olympics. He liked the gymnastics, swimming and now the diving. He always likes the flag ones to win. He is so funny. He is now telling me that the divers are supposed to have a little splash. Sometimes it amazes me how much he pays attention to things.

My entry yesterday let you into my heart during one of my weak moments (I do have those occasionally and am reminded that it is okay). But it also led me into new scriptures during my quiet time. I have gotten to where I love my quiet time when Stanton is asleep to see where God is going to take me each day. Some days I wonder what he is trying to tell me while other days are so clear.

I could have chosen a long time ago to let sorrow overcome me. I could have thrown my hands up and said enough! I instead chose a different path, one in which God would lead the way and not satan. God has promised us that in pressing on in the duty that he places before us we shall find the trust, richest comfort for ourselves. Sitting down and brooding over our sorrows darkeness will creep into our heart and change our strengths to weaknesses. But if we turn away from the gloom and take up the tasks and duties to which God calls us, the light will come again, and we will grow stronger. Don't get me wrong I am sure yesterday was not my last meltdown, there will be more to come. I will just not allow myself to wallow in my sorrow but will pick myself up (only with God's help) and keep looking to God for strength.

Growing stronger each day,
Tina

Saturday, August 21, 2004 6:39 PM CDT

Once again Stanton has had a pretty good day. He awoke this morning to kisses from Emma Grace. Yes, the Hampton's are back in town. We got to have some plat time with Emma Grace while Trish, Barney and some friends of theirs gave platelets. I will stop now and encourage anyone who is able to go donate blood and platelets at your local blood bank. I know the blood supplies are critically low in some parts of the country. Blood and platelets are soemthing that Stanton requires frequently after chemo. It was also great to meet Gwen and Barrett (any friend of the Hampton's is a friend of ours). Thank you for coming to doante platelets.

Stanton and Emma Grace picked up right where they left off-they were wither kissing or fighting. Stanton informed Emma Grace she needed platelets because she had bruises. We all knew this but it is amazing that a 3 year old picks up on this.

We also had some prayer warriors from Germantown Baptist Church stop by to bring Stanton a quilt. This is a great ministry as this group of women quilt anf pray for these children while doing so and after. Thank you to all who participate in this ministry. Thank you Dawn and Tom for taking the time on a Saturday to stop by and bring the quilt and visit. I can not imagine how hard it must be for you to grace the doors of the hospital but you showed amazing strength.

Although Stanton seems to be doing well, I have had a hard last few days. I know part of it is because I am tired but I also know that there is more to it than that. Hayden has started football practice and last night was his first game (it was only a scrimmage, but his first time in a high school football uniform). This last week he had freshamn orientation in which the kids and parents attend. Obviously Hayden was short a parent. This is just the beginning, he will be starting high school, having more ballgames, dances, etc. I know this seems trivial in the whole scheme of things but I have often warned you I write from the heart and as special is our time with Stanton is so is our time with Hayden and these are moments which I can never get back. I am blessed to have the support of 2 families who do a great job of keeping Hayden's life as "normal" as can be for him. Mom, Dad, Debbie and O.H.-thank you for all you continue to do for us and Hayden. Dakota-thank you for welocoming Hayden into your world and home like a brother. I love you! Hayden-I have said it many times before, thank you for being so understanding and knowing daddy and I are where we need to be right now. We are so proud of you!! Love you!

Mom-thanks for listening this morning. I really didn't mean to have a meltdown. Mrs. Gail-your card was perfect timing. Thank you for continuing to remember "all of us" in your prayers. We feel it daily. You will always hold a special place in my heart. Take care of mom next while school is starting.

I had a great deal of quiet time today and was led to many verses in the book of Psalms. I want to share one as I thought it fit into my meltdown mood.

Psalms 73:26

My health fails; my spirit droops, yet God remains! He is the strength of my heart; He is mine forever.

I am so glad that His strength in perfect when our strength is gone.

Only By His Strength
Tina

Friday, August 20, 2004 9:13 PM CDT

Okay, so they finally got chemo started about 2:00 this morning Jeff said. Stanton was a little nauseated this morning but seemed to get over that. He has been going strong since he got up. How is it that he is getting chemo but it is Jeff and I that are exhausted.

I once again want to mention Trooper Scobee and Troop G and the laptop that they sent for Stanton. He loves it and it provides much needed entertainment for all of the hours in the hospital. I can’t wait for you all to see him use it, he is actually quite good.

Emma Grace will be back in Memphis tomorrow. She will be hanging out waiting to see what her counts are going to do. Which means we will be blessed to see them each day and get all the hugs that we need.

It seems that this go around there is much more heartache than last year. It is not just children that I have grown so close to, it just seems like every time I turnaround someone is getting bad news. I will be very honest with you, when we returned to Memphis in April I just wanted to crawl into my on little hole. I didn’t want to meet anyone of know anyone else. I had already had my heart broken too many times. For those of you who know me you know that this is not my typical personality (I will usually talk to anyone who will listen). After many meltdowns and many conversations with God I realized that I was here for a reason and that I would never find that reason buried in a hole. Which led me to my devotional for tonight.

Romans 12:1-2

And so dear brothers, I plead with you to give your bodies to God. Let them be a living sacrifice, holy-the kind he can accept. When you think of what he has done for you, is that to much to ask? Don’t copy the behavior and customs of this world, but be a new and different person with a fresh newness in all you do and think. Then you will learn from your own experience how his ways will really satisfy you.

I read this and all I could think was WOW what a powerful statement. What an answer to my prayer. Your calling is the mission God has ordained for you. It is the desire He has burned into your heart and equipped you to accomplish to bring Him glory and to advance His kingdom. If you want to know your calling go to God. He knows where He wants you, what He is calling you to d o, when He wants you to do it and how He wants it done. “If you want to know your calling, you have to go where God is.”

You must be willing to give your life (all of it not just part of it) to God if you want to know God’s will for your life. You must be willing to do God’s will before you even know what His will is. There is no bargaining with God. We must say as Moses said to God at the burning bush “Here I am”. God wants you to come to him and say “whatever you call me to do I will”.

It has taken a lot for me to accept that this last year and a half has been a calling from God, but with each day and each experience (good or bad) I find myself closer to Him. I see on a daily basis the good with the bad and the faith and the unfaithful. God has blessed me in more ways than I can sit here and type, I have mentioned many of them before. God never promised us that what he called us to do would be easy but that He would stand beside us and give us everything that we needed to do what he has called us to do. I have experienced both of these concepts firsthand. There are many days that I know I am only able to stand because God is holding me up. I know there are times when I am only able to say what God is telling me to say. He does keep His promises.

Standing on God’s Promises
Tina

Thursday, August 19, 2004 11:10 PM CDT

How bad is it that you wait all day on a bed to become available in a children's cancer hospital begging them to inject poison into your baby? That is how our day has been. Dr. Furman said Stanton looked the best he had seen him in a while and yes, he was being a character. In fact has been all day, has not had a nap and is still awake. He has loved watching the olympics and wnats to see them jump in the water (diving) next.

His platelets were only 63,000 and they really wanted them a little higher but thet decided to go on and get started. By the time they start they may be that high. The hospital was full but there were some being discharged so they told us to go back to RMH and they would call when a bed became available. They then called and said a couple of fever admissions had come in so we would not be getting a bed today. They then called back and said if we wanted to come in late they might have one so we headed for the hospital at 9:30. His chemo will start sometime around midnight.

It was one of those days when I woke up and prayed that whatever God wanted to happen would be what I would be content with but as you all know patience is not my strong point. Jeff reminded me several times that everything happens for a reason. Needless to say here we go again. Specific prayers that the chemo does not make Stanton to sick and goes a little easier on his counts than last time.

During our time waiting I did get to spend a little time with another one of our dear St. Jude famiiles. Chris/Christal-thanks for sharing your TV with me so I didn't have to watch Jeff flip back and forth. Christal I loved playing with your hair, we will have to do it again sometime.

Thanks to all who continue to hang in there on this journey with us. We know the prayers are being heard and God is lifting us each day!

Only by His Grace
Tina

Mom if I don't talk to you before you read this we are in room 2065.

Wednesday, August 18, 2004 10:52 PM CDT

We had another great day of really doing not much of anything but getting ready to go back inpatient. We did run some errands which included a trip to the toy store for the toy I promised Stanton if he did radiation without sedation (no he doesn't forget anything). The first thing we had to do when we got there was try to explain the name of the store "Toys R Us". Stanton kept saying "mommy daddy says the toys are his". After much discussion we gave it up and called it "Toys R Yours". Imagine that whatever Stanton want Stanton gets.

Now to the part where you see just how far Jeff has come. I told you yesterday about how much I had gotten over. Well when Stanton went into the store he went in looking for a boy kitchen. All of the kitchens really looked girly but he did find the "Smart Shopper" which he decided was for boys and girls. His mind was made up well after I said no to the battery powered Hummer 2. Jeff tried to talk him into remote control cars, balls, and anything else "boy". So the Smart Shopper it was. So now Jeff has given into polly pockets, a baby doll and the Smart Shopper. I guess he would be more concerned if Stanton had not walked out of the house with his cowboy hat (compliments of Aunt Hazel) and gun. Miss Amy (child life specialist from St. Jude) you should be so proud.

It was actually a very peaceful day which is usually not the case when you take Stanton shopping anywhere and I had to go to Kroger to so it was not all about him. No meltdowns. We also got to go out to eat with Stanton not "Stanley" which was a much needed surprise. He really can be such a sweet kid. He was giving me eskimo kisses and I told him how much I liked them. He then proceeded to kiss me many time on the cheek and said how about Stanton kisses? Pretty priceless.

Now that he has no hair going out is sometimes a challenge for me. I love him so much hair really makes no difference. His head is the perfect shape to be bald so he's pretty cute no matter what. I will have to try to post pictures. But when you are out you do run into people who have to stare or take a double take. I know some mean well but sometimes I wish they would just ask instead of stare. Some do and I get to share our story which is kind of neat but for the most part not. This just give me another prayer on my part. For the world to accept people as they are. God created each of us unique for his own special purpose.

The plan for tomorrow will be for lab work in the morning and meet with the doctor after lunch to hopefully be admitted for another round of chemo. I know it sounds odd that I would be asking to go back into the hospital but I don't like delays that allow the cancer to grow. It will all depend on his counts. I will keep you all posted.

Specific prayer request for tonight: For Stanton's counts to be acceptable to start chemo tomorrow.

We love you all

Only By His Grace
Tina

Tuesday, August 17, 2004 10:58 PM CDT

What a great day we had today. We had a break from the hospital so we took the time to sleep in this morning (much needed rest for all of us). We then had a major room cleaning which was way past needing it. We then gave Stanton the choice of what he wanted to do today. He has 2 days of freedom before the hospital stays begin again. He wanted to go ride the merry go round at the zoo. We got dressed and he was being so sweet until it came time to choose a hat. He wanted to wear a red hat with a blue, yellow and ORANGE shirt. Of course I wanted him to wear the yellow hat that matched (surprised). You will all see how soft I have gotten because he went out in public with the red hat on. For those of you who know me know that this usually wouldn't have happened but it was a battle I chose not to fight. (just like when he wore his sandals with socks to the hospital the other day).

We went to the zoo and had a great time. He has gotten old enough to tell us what he wants to see and had a blast. He rode in the stroller and looked at the map and told us where he wanted to go. He didn't scream when we made him get off of the merry-go-round or when we told him it was time to leave. It was one of those days that even a camera couldn't capture the memories that were made. These were times that I have so many times taken for granted. Never again!!!!!

Tonight we had the opportunity to go to another Redbirds game in the Storage USA clubhouse suite. I just can't take this company enough for donating the use of this suite for these kids. I have to say tonight I saw the kids have more fun than ever. "Rocky" (the redbird mascot) came to the suite and once again Stanton ran to him for a hug. I did get picture this time. Stanton told him that he wanted to throw popcorn at people so that is exactly what they did. Thanks to the 3 guys below us who were such great sports. It brought a huge smile to the faces of all of the kids. We also got the pleasure of meeting a new family here at RMH. They needed a ride to the game. They have been here for a month without a car and tonight was a much needed night out for them. Debra and Tim-it was great to meet you. Welcome to our St. Jude family. We will be here for you for anything that you need.

I want to mention a new special prayer request. There is a little boy by the name of "Jake Jewell" in Houston who is 5 months old and has recently been diagnosed with Neuroblastoma Stage III. This little boy is the nephew to a very special person in my mom's life. Mike Jewell is a teacher at my mothers school who is a huge help to her. I know she has had a hard time finding out but not near what this family is going through. I can remember the first days so vividly. To the Jewell's-if you need anything especially an ear to listen or shoulder to cry on I am only a phone call or email away. I know the situations are a little different but I know many people in the neuroblastoma world and would be happy to hook you up. Just whenever you are ready.

My verse for tonight is:

Luke 1:50

God will show his mercy forever and ever to those who worship and serve him.

God doesn't love us for what we have done. He actually loves us regardless of what we have done. He is a great God who does for his children what we cannot do for ourselves. All he asks from us is to believe that he sent his son to save us for our sins and accept Him as our Lord and Savior.

Thank you all for the continued support and prayers. We love you all!

Serving a Great God
Tina

Monday, August 16, 2004 10:40 PM CDT

Okay, so "Stanley" still comes and goes. I know this is Stanton's way of expressing his feelings so we try to be sympathetic and I guess we kind of created the little monster (he deserves to be a little monster more than he is so I won't complain).

We started our day at the hospital with an injection for his kidney clearance test. We then met with the Sandy and Dr. Furman who both agreed he looked great. They really had no idea where the fever had come from. They had decided to start chemo on Thursday if his counts are okay. We were all quite surprised when we got his labwork back today and his hemoglobin was 6.8 (For those of you who don't know they transfuse at anything less than 8). His color was good and he was not tired but never the less we had to get blood. We waited all afternoon for the blood to get ready and when they took his vitals before they started it he had a very slight fever but enough to have to call the clinic. They again have no idea but his ANC is good and he feels good so we will just keep watching it. His platelets were still only 32 so we need specific prayers that these continue to rise on their own. This would be a good indication that his bone marrow is working on its own.

My devotional for today was called God is in Control.

I have been forced to face things in my life recently that are worse than anything I could have ever imagined. Even though the journey has been rough there are wonderful things that have come out of it. I have realized than God is in control and He is good.

One thing I read that struck a big part of my heart today is:

Psalms 55:22

Cast your burdens on the Lord and He will sustain you.

During this journey the easy part has been taking my problems to God. The hard part and the one I have the most trouble with is LEAVING my problems with him. I have a tendency to tell God my problems but feel the need to worry about them as well.

I do not know what to expect from the rest of our journey but what I do know is that I have to learn to LEAVE the problems with God not just take them to him. I can do this by accepting what it put before me and knowing that when I let go I will fall into the strong arms of God.

I beleive I left off last years journey with our discharge from the hospital. Just like this time we were given a brief break to go home. The primary reason for this visit was to meet with the doctor at the St. Jude affiliate in Shreveport and see about doing treatment in Shreveport. This was an option that we had decided at one time not to even consider but decided that it was at least worth meeting with them. We met with Dr. Jeroudi and his Nurse Practitioner Cheryl and loved them. You could see the love of their patients from the very beginning. I remember this being a very difficult meeting because we were forced to hear all of the statistics again and were reminded that there were no guarantees for tomorrow. We left the appointment pretty confident in the doctor and the hospital but it was a huge decision that we had to make. Needless to say a lot of prayer was put into this. We came back to Memphis and talked about this and told Dr. Furman that we believed that this could be an option that we would discuss after the 2nd round of chemo which was scheduled to start that day. We were admitted and started on a chemo that made him sicker than any that we had experienced before. It was also during this hospital stay that my mom who had been with us from the beginning got sick and down in her back. She did not want to go home, but I knew that was what was best for her. One of the hardest phone calls I ever had to make was to call my daddy and tell him to come and get her. He came and it was a very emotional goodbye but I knew it was what was best for her. I was pretty down and really didn't want to do anything but mope but my friends from high school wouldn't have this. Several friends came and spent the weekend and we really had a great time. They will never know how much their visit helped me through a very difficult day and weekend. Thanks to all of you, you know who you are. Until next time.....

Working on Leaving my problems with God
Tina

Sunday, August 15, 2004 9:45 PM CDT

Well, I guess you could say we are back at home. We spend so much time in Memphis our trips home home seem like a place that we go to visit not where we live. Stanton had a good trip home. He played about as hard as he could. We stayed pretty busy but it was just visiting with family and friends and playing.

As usual with a change of pace. “Stanley” has emerged. Stanton had a major meltdown on the way here. He just wanted to come pack his clothes and toys and go home. He finally got over that but then got quite insistent that we find a blue building to eat chips and cheese (This would be an Exxon, yes he is a little redneck). We finally convinced him to get another convenience store nachos and he was happy.

Mary Claire had a pretty hard time with us leaving this time. She decided that Jeff could take Stanton back to Memphis and I could stay with her. She really loves her “Tina time”. I guess I could be rightly accused of spoiling her just a little bit. Jamie did let me take her to pick out her tap and ballet shoes. She knows how much I love that stuff.

Mrs. Joyce (one of my employees) came by our house before we left today. She drove about 40 miles to come bring something to Stanton and something for Emma Grace. It was great to get to see her. I know she worries about me so I think she used the gifts as an excuse to make sure I was okay. Joyce-thank you so much you are so very special to me. To the rest of my staff-sorry I didn’t get a chance to come by this trip home. Joyce will be bringing you a special gift. You are all now official members of “Team Stanton”.

Jeff and I got the chance to go to Sunday School this morning. It is always great to see everyone and give an update face to face rather than via e-mail. Our church family has been so supportive of us during this entire journey.

Paul and Cheryl-we missed you in Sunday School but Brian did a great job. The lesson was about something that I have spent many days and nights thinking and praying about. We talked about how to live our life like God would want us to. The first thing we did was take a list of things and decide how much of a percentage of a day we devote to this things. I could honestly say that my percentages were greatly different than they were 2 years ago at this time. I know that I don’t spend as much time with work and with hobbies but I also know that this is not a conscious decision that I got to make. I do spend more time with family and God. I know that without the journey that we are facing my life would be completely different and that my priorites would also be completely different. For that I am thankful. I am thankful that I am walking closer to God and relying on him for more. I know that this journey will be a long one and that my life is changed forever because of it. I must always remember to keep the priorities in my life with God first. As long as I let Him control my situations everything will be much more simple. As for the answer to the question “What keeps you from being holy?” that was asked, I guess I would have to say that I worry to much. It is a constant struggle for me to remember just to give it all to Him. It is not something I just say once and go on, every day many times a day I have to stop and remember that God is in control of the situation and the answers are already figured out. Chris (Christal’s mom) and I talked last week about this and how it might be nice to know the ending. I have though about this often and have decided that I don’t want to know the end of the story. I will just keep living day by day never taking anything for granted.

Stanton will have a kidney function test tomorrow and meet with the doctor to see about starting chemo. He is supposed to start tomorrow, but my mommy instinct tells me that his counts are not going to be where they need to be. Dr. Furman said that we would just watch his counts and start when they got where they needed to be.

Thank you all for the continued prayers and support. You all will never know how much it means to all of us.

Only by His Grace
Tina

Saturday, August 14, 2004 12:53 AM CDT

Okay, sorry about no update yesterday but things were a little crazy around here. When we got home Thursday night and got ready for bed Stanton felt a little warm. I just thought there is no way he has fever, he was still on both antibiotics. I am always a nervous wreck coming home just because we are so far away from our safety net. Well it turned out Stanton did have a fever but we just hoped it was because the house was warm. Well that was not the case because he woke up Friday morning with a temp. of 102. I called Dr. Phillips who said "I just read where you all were at home" I said yes we are what time can you be in the clinic? I cannot tell you all how blessed we are to have such an AWESOME pediatrician. She met us at the clinic and called St. Jude and got things taken care of. There is no explanation for the fever but he was covered as far as antibiotics was concerned so they told us just to enjoy our weekend at home. That is easier said than done when he is not feeling good. He pretty much laid around most of the day but by the evening was feeling much better. He woke up this morning feelin good and hasn't slown down since.

I am sitting here by myself looking around at all that needs to be done but with such a short trip there is just not enough time. So chances are I will do very little. I enjoy our trips home but they can be pretty exhausting and they are a reminder of how much we are missing.

Hayden is at drivers education today. He is so excited that he will soon have a permit to drive. He is also getting ready to start his freshman year of high school. Never in my wildest dreams did I ever think I would not be here when he started high school. I remember how much fun high school was and I hate I am not going to be here for Hayden to share this with him. We are blessed to be surrounded by family who are making sure he has everything he needs for school and making sure he gets everywhere he is supposed to be.

I am going to go for now and try to get something accomplished. Thanks for the continued prayers and support.

Love
Tina

Thursday, August 12, 2004 11:03 PM CDT

Okay, this is going to be short and sweet but I didn't want anyone to think we were MIA. After meeting with the doctor today he decided that we could go home home for the weekend so that is exactly what we did. We did not get home until late so I will update more later.

Only By His Grace
Tina

Wednesday, August 11, 2004 9:33 PM CDT

It felt so good to be out of the hospital and be an outpatient again. We had a pretty short day at the hospital which was nice since we had been there for 2 weeks. Stanton’s counts continue rise including his hemoglobin which means his bone marrow is trying to work on its own. I hope tomorrow to see his platelets go up a little although I know that is asking a lot. He is still dragging his antibiotic pump around with him but still adjusting well.

There are days when I look at him and his little bald head and have to bring myself back to reality. I just can’t believe he is as sick as he is. When he is acting like “Stanley” I can’t help but feel sorry for him. I know we are creating a monster but he is generally so good and I think he needs a way to vent. I know how hard it is for me to communicate how I feel, I can only imagine what he would want to say to us if he knew how.

My quiet time today led me back to a chapter of Psalms that I have turned to often. Psalms 91. This chapter talks about how God will shelter us with his wings.

Verse 1-2

We live within the shadow of the Almighty, sheltered by the God who is above all gods. This I declare, that he alone is my refuge, my place of safety; he is my God and I am trusting Him.

God wants to be our hiding place. He doesn’t want us to wait until we are in trouble or lonely, he wants us to live within his shadow. I know I have been guilty of turning to God when times get tough. I have found great peace in staying in his shadow. Thanking him during the good times as well as the bad. In John 15:5 God says “ Apart from me you can do nothing”. I know that there are still times when I get out from under God’s shadow. I begin to let worry take over. It is during these times that God sends me reminders that he is still in control and that I need to leave the worrying to him.

Okay, back to the beginning of our journey. Stanton was discharged from the hospital on a Saturday. Of course we were completely paranoid with his immune system at zilch but Dr. Furman told me I could put him in a bubble and it wouldn’t matter he would still get a fever. Well, he was right as always and by Monday we were back in the hospital. This stay would closely resemble the last 2 weeks. We had many friends and family come up to visit. We had people we didn’t know calling and sending prayer cards. One of the weekends when Stanton was in the hospital was Country Cares which is where some of the country music stars come by and visit the hospital. Steve Holy came by his room and signed his red cowboy boots. This scene would later show up on a CMT commercial. It was also during these weeks that we began to see our St. Jude family developing. The nurses and aides on the 2nd floor were and still are AWESOME! They took such good care of Stanton as well as Jeff and I. One weekend I remember vividly was the first weekend Jamie and Mary Claire came up. He was in the hospital but Mary Claire wasn’t scared of any of his lines or anything. This would be the weekend that Stanton would lose his hair. He was laying in Jamie’s lap and when he got up she just said “Tina”. I was expecting this side effect but I can’t say that it made it any easier. I just had to go have some me time. During this time one of the aides came by to make sure I was okay. I didn’t get much time to ponder this side effect because as soon as he realized he could pull it out that is what he did. He and Mary Claire sat in his bed and pulled all of his hair out and put it in a bag. He to this day will tell you where he put his hair. I have since grown to love bald headed children. This is one thing that amazed me about Mary Claire, not one time did she comment on the kids at St. Jude and how they looked a little different. She was just excited to have new friends. We could all learn a lot from the unconditional love of children. She continues to love Stanton regardless of whether he has his hearing aides in or hair or a big knot on his eye.

I really cannot begin to describe all of the ways that God was at work in my life during these weeks. What I can tell you is that he left little for me to question. I would pray a prayer and the answer would come in a way that was black and white. There were many times I just had to say thank you for making it so clear to me God. It was also during this time that I realized that everytime I talked to God I was asking for something. I decided that my prayers were pretty unfair to God. He had done so much for me that I was not thanking him for but I was asking for a lot. I at that point began one of my prayers a day (usually my bedtime prayer) with a thank you to God for something. No matter how bad things had been I could always find something to be thankful for.

My mom flew to St. Jude with us on January 3 and stayed for many weeks. I could have never made it through these weeks without her. She would help relieve at the hospital. She would entertain Stanton while Jeff and I had time to digest all that we were being told. She would be my shoulder to cry on for many days to come. Mom-I know you gave up so much during these weeks. Time that you cannot get back. Thank you form the bottom of my heart. I love you so much.

We also realized that during our time in Memphis that the rest of the world continued to revolve. Our town surrounded us with love and support. There were so many people that helped us and continue to help us that I cannot begin to thank everyone. Our St. Jude auction set several records this year. It was the first year we had not been there for this in many years. It is unbelievable how our town supports St. Jude. I guess the biggest event that we missed during this month was the birth of our niece, Hollan. This was something that we had all been looking forward to and I was supposed to be there. Dana/Hank-you will never know how hard it was not being there for Hollan’s birth. Hollan-I know we haven’t been there for you much during your short life but we love you no less. You are a bright spot in our lives. Coltan-I was supposed to be there to spoil you a little but while all of these changes were going on in your life. I will just have to keep making up for it. We love you.

I guess that is about all from the first month. We were discharged after being in the hospital a little over 2 weeks. There would be many decisions to be made over the next week. Until then…..

Hiding in God’s Shadow
Tina

Tuesday, August 10, 2004 8:40 PM CDT

Well, we are finally out of the hospital and back at the Ronald McDonald House. It was pretty funny because when we left Dr. McGregor said she felt like we should be blowing horns or throwing confetti or something. Yes, we had been in the hospital for a while. The nurses said they were going to be bored but I reminded them that it would be short lived as we would be back next week for chemo. Stanton’s ANC was 400 for those of you who were in on our ANC pool. He will remain on one IV antibiotic (it is amazing what they let us parents do), one oral antibiotic and have to get his antifungal medicine in the medicine room once a day. We will meet with Dr. Furman Thursday morning to see how long he will stay on these medicines. He was excited to be going back to the “Donald House” but still getting used to dragging his IV bag with him. I have to say it is a pretty neat contraption that gives a slow dose of fluid until it is time for the antibiotic and then gives the antibiotic over 2 hours and then ramps back down until the next dose. Advantages are that we don’t have to get up in the middle of the night to hook up medicine and that there is a continuous infusion of antibiotic in the lumen that had some trouble but it does mean that he has a bag to carry around for a few days.

I have been reading a new book and one of the stories talked about how much a mother learned from her children. This just set my mind in motion. As I look back over the last 2 years I see so much that Stanton and Hayden have taught me. Stanton has taught me to see things through the eyes of a child. Things are really so simple. He has taught me to smile when I just didn’t feel like smiling. He has taught me the meaning of “hero” and bravery. He has shown me how to have unconditional love. He has taught me that no matter how hard things get to not give up. He has taught me the meaning of determination. I think you get the point. Hayden has also taught me a few things. He has taught me about the love between brothers. He has taught me about patience. He has taught me about the bible and provided scriptures to keep me going. He has taught me that no matter what the situation you can make something positive happen. He has taught me to take a bump in the road and turn it into a passion (by speaking and volunteering on behalf of St. Jude). He has taught me about flexibility. Together my children have taught me about perseverance, determination, and how to enjoy the gifts God has given me. The strength and talents God has given them inspires me to be a better mother. It keeps me going when things get overwhelming. Thank you Hayden and Stanton for teaching me so much.

Isaiah 54:13

All your children will be taught by the Lord, and they will have much peace.

I encourage you all to take the time to pray for your children. Never underestimate the power that comes when a parent pleads with God on a childs behalf.

Only by His Grace
Tina

Monday, August 9, 2004 8:07 PM CDT

2 weeks, that is how long Stanton has been an inpatient. That is how long it has been since Stanton has been outside. Aside from the rare occasion that he got to ride the trike around the block, that is how long Stanton has been in one room. I think you all understand where I am coming from. He continues to have the best attitude. Much better than Jeff and I. He has had no fever today and his ANC remained 100. We are hoping for that number to go up drastically tomorrow. He is scheduled to start chemo again one week from today.

I actually started my devotional time today in one book but was led to a book called "Beacon of Hope" which was sent to me by a St. Jude grandmother (thank you Mrs. Kistner). The first devotional I was reading talked about believers should be lights in the darkness. That statement led me to this new book which starts with this:

Swathed in fog or etched sharply
against the line between sea and sky
lighthouses cast a spell of beauty
and romance few of us can resist.
These beacons to safe passage
remind us of the one who is the
Light of the World, the One who
is truly a Beacon of Hope for our world-
Jesus Christ. And like Jesus, we, too
are called to shine
God's light to the world around us.

I loved reading the scripture from this chapter. There are so many places in the bible where we are reminded that Jesus is the light of the world.

I am the first to admit that I am not always the "light" I should be. There are many days that I pray for the strength to let God's love shine through although things are less than perfect in my world. My goal each day is that people will see God's light shining in me.

I guess I will finish the first round of chemo week journey. Chemo was not anything like what we expected. It was a little intimidating watching a nurse come in with gloves on to hang the medicine that they were injecting into my baby's little body. We expected him to be so sick, don't get me wrong, he had his moments but overall he was running up and down the halls and playing. The hospital and staff were absolutley amazing in helping "the new family on the block" feel at home. I remember the line nurse coming in and saying "time for you to change his dressing". I looked at her kind of funny because she had only shown us once how to do it. My obsessiveness came out because I needed my instruction book that she wouldn't let me use. What seemed so hard at the time is now just part of a routine.

The support we received that week was absolutely unbelievable. We had people from all over the world calling us and letting us know that they were praying for us. Friends and family made the journey to Memphis to offer moral support. Several of the pastors from this area came by as well. I can remember the daze that I walked around in. Each morning I woke up still not believing that this was happening. I know it is during this week and many more to come that God wasn't walking beside me, he was carrying me. I remember asking God just to hold me at night so that I could sleep. There were also many tears shed during this week. I could not beleive that the other patients and their families were walking around as if nothing was wrong. People told me that it would get better and that I would soon be able to do the same. I never believed that would happen. You will see as the story unfolds how we began to fit into a world that we never imagined. Until then....

Thank you for your continued support and prayers. I love reading the guestbook with all of the words of encouragement.

Letting His Light Shine
Tina

Sunday, August 8, 2004 7:26 PM CDT

White Count 1.1 ANC 100!!!!!!!!!!!! This is a start in the right direction. We try not to get to excited until his counts are up for at least 2 days but this just has to be it. He still had a low grade fever this morning, but has not Tylenol today and at his last vitals his temperature was normal. It was pretty funny, because I am never sure exactly how much he understands, but he must have been paying attention to the numbers because when I asked what his temperature was and she said 36.7, he said "No fever, I am out of here!" (He can't leave the room with fever so he has not been out of the room much in 2 weeks). Needless to say we went out and rode the tricycle around for a little while.

Mom, Daddy and Hayden left today. I wish I could say it gets easier but after almost 2 years saying goodbye is no easier. Stanton is convinced that Weinie will be back tomorrow. We will explain it all again then. Mom/Dad-Thank you again. I could never say thanks enough. You allowed us the break that was much needed this weekend. We love you. Hayden-thanks for being so sweet this weekend. We miss you and love you so much.

There is a family at home that is going through a pretty difficult time. I am not going to go into details for their privacy, but I think if they read this they will know who I am talking about. I know things seem pretty unreal at this time and your emotions are on overload. Our situations are so different but alike in so many ways. I encourage you to turn to God not away from him although I know it is hard not to be angry. I also want you to know that I am here for you if you need someone to talk to. I always have an ear available. From this news I have decided to share something with you all that was shared with me. I haven't posted it before because I am not sure about how God "chooses" who goes through traumatic events, but I do believe that he allows them to happen.

The Choosen Mother

Most women become mother by accident, some by choice and a few by surprise; did you ever wonder how mothers of children with life threatening illnesses are chosen? Somehow I visualize God hovering over the earth selecting His instruments with propagation and with great care and deliberation as He observes, He instructs the angels to make notes in a giant ledger...
"Armstrong, Beth, son patron saint Matthew""Forrest Marjorie, daughter patron saint Cecilia""Ruthledge, Carrie, twins patron saint Gerard".
Finally, He passes a name to an angel and says , "Give her a child with caner." The angel is curious, "Why this one GOd?" She is so happy. "Exactly" smiles God, "Could I give a child with cancer to a mother who does not know laughter? That would be cruel." But, does she have patience, asked the angel. "I don't want her to have too much patience or she will drown in the sea of sorrow and despair. Once the shock and resentment wear off she will handle it." "I watched her today" said God, "she has that feeling of self independence that is so rare and necessary in a mother. You see, the child I am going to give her already has its own world. She has to make it live in her world and that is not going to be easy." But Lord, I don't think she believes in you, said the angel. "No matter, I can see that. This one is perfect, she has enough selfishness." God says. The angel gasps. "Selfishness that is a virtue?" God nods, "If she can't seperate herself from the child occasionally she won't survive. Yes, here are the women I will bless with a child less than perfect. She doesn't realize it yet, but she will be envied. She will never take anything her child does for granted. She will never consider a single step ordinary. I will permit her to see clearly the things I see...ignorance, cruelty, predjudice...and allow her to rise above them." "And what about her patron saint?" asks the angel, his pen in hand. God smiles and says...a mirror will suffice.

Please continue the prayers for Stanton's little body to recover and his fever to go away. Thank you again for your continued support, prayers and love.

Only by His Grace
Tina

Saturday, August 7, 2004 9:30 PM CDT

Same old same old in Stanton Land. He still has a fever, but seems to requiring less Tylenol and his ANC is still "0". He was a little grouchy today, but I think he was a little tired. I think he spent the entire day sleeping, playing on his new "puter", or in weinie's lap reading a book. I can't even count the number of books that they read.

Hayden and I got to spend some mommy/son time which we always enjoy. We tried to get his school clothes lined out in case I don't see him again before school starts. Jeff got to spend a little quiet time by himself which he enjoyed. I can't tell you what a relief it is to get a break from being in the hospital room continuously. Thanks mom and dad.

Okay, I have procrastinated long enough so I will continue with the beginning of our journey. January 6, 2003-We woke up early to be at the hospital, chances were that Stanton would be having surgery. We were greeted by Bridget who is a patient liason I guess because she spent the day showing us around and explaining our schedule. Some parts of the day are a fog but I will do my best. I remember not seeing the doctor and asking "what is going on? What did the tests show?" Bridget inquired but all she would tell us is that if he was having surgery to place his central line they must have found something that needed treatment. We then went upstairs to get Stanton ready for surgery. While he was getting ready for surgery Jeff went down to get our green card to extend our stay at the Marriott and was informed that we would be moving to the Ronald McDonald House and we had to be checked in as soon as possible to not lose the room. Well, we weren't going anywhere until we talked to the doctor. Shortly after that Dr. Furman and Dr. Metzger (His fellow) came in to talk to us. This was a conversation we were certain that we didn't want to have but how bad could it be he wasn't even 2 years old. Dr. Furman in a very monitone told us that he had Neuroblastoma stage IV which had spread to his bones (too many to name) and his bone marrow. We had 2 options: the protocol that they were using or not treating it. That was not a hard choice. We signed all of the consents and they told us he would be taken upstairs after surgery to begin chemo that day. I cannot explain the emotions that went on in that room at that time. This could not be happening. We didn't ask the statistics but had done our research. I remember thinking as Dr. Furman walked out of the room that there is no way I would ever like this man. I think Jeff felt the same way, but then the rational side in me came out and I realized what kind of life he would have if he let his emotions control him in these situations. He worked in a profession that at times has to be the most difficult in the entire world. I have to say that since then we have grown to love and respect Dr. Furman and his expertise. I think he could move to China and we would follow him. Thank you Dr. Furman for all that you do for us! We hadn't fully recovered from the shock of the news when a line nurse shows up to explain the central line and how to care for it. I remember thinking "I know they don't think we will ever be able to do this". All of it went in one ear and out the other, but they did leave me an instruction book. Stanton came out of surgery and was taken to the 2nd floor. When we got off of the elevators we knew that we were in a hospital like no other. We were blessed to have Mrs. Sarah as our very first nurse. She took care of us for a little while because her shift ended. About this time mom and I realized that we had to move out of the Marriott. We had returned the rent car so we were completely dependent on shuttle. We got to the Marriott and got all of our stuff packed but had several Wal-Mart bags. We just loaded them all up (which is not my mom or me to pack in Wal-Mart bags but you do what you have to do). We got to RMH and did super fast orientation and unloaded everything into the room and headed back to the hospital. There were several lab tests that had to be within a specific range before his chemo could start so it was late late before they got it started. I guess one of the most memorable moments on this day was as I was sitting on the couch watching Stanton sleep. He looked so innocent and so normal, how could he be completely invaded with a deadly disease. At this moment I realized that this was a situation that I had no control over. (This was pretty difficult for me to admit, I manage for a living and fix problems and for those I can't fix immediately I have a plan). There was nothing I could do at this point. Nothing except turn the entire situation and Stanton over to God. Don't get me wrong, I had prayed more prayers in that weekend than I can count but this was different. I had really not gotten mad at God. I had asked "Why?" and "What have I done?" but this is not what I needed at this moment. I remember exactly what I said to God. It went like this: "Dear God, I know that I am in a situation that I have absolutley no control over. I am giving Stanton and his disease to you. Please do whatever you have to do to make him well". There was a peace that came with praying this prayer, but looking back I can see how much I have grown as a Christian by how the prayers are different this time around. Not long after this Dr. Furman came in to check on us and I told him that I had turned it over to God and I would be praying for his wisdom in treating Stanton. His exact words were, "You have your priorities in the right place" We stayed up most of the night waiting on the chemo to start. This was the longest day of my entire life and one I will never forget. I remember that night just asking God to hold me, comfort me, and remind me that he was with me. The peace that I was able to feel, it was obvious that he was in our room taking care of all of us. It would be weeks before I realized or accepted that this was all not a big nightmare.

I hope this gives you a little insight into our first day. My next last year entry will be about the first week of treatment.

Thank you all for your continued love, prayers and support. Please pray specifically for his counts to recover and his fever to go away. Please also remember all of our St. Jude friend as they battle the beast.

So Glad God is Always with Me
Tina

Psalms 73:26

My health fails; my spirits droop, yet God remains! He is the strength of my heart; He is mine forever.

Friday, August 6, 2004 9:22 PM CDT

Stanton is still in the hospital with a "0" ANC. He still is running a fever occasionally so he can't leave the hospital. His spirits are still amazing not to mention that granma, weinie and bubba were here this morning.

Even though we are still in the hospital today has been a very good day, so rather than share a day from last year, I am going to share some of the events of the day.

First thing this morning Jeff called me from the RMH to tell me that Hayden and Stanton had won a contest they had entered by designing a Dominos Pizza race car for Michael Waltrip. Hayden designed the car a few weeks ago when he was here and entered the contest never dreaming that he would win. Well, it was official ALSAC called to congratulate us and confirmed that they had won and that Michael Waltrip wanted to call us and get to know us a little better. How cool is that! They also won a years supply of pizza, a replica of the car that they designed, a NASCAR prize package and the biggie, all expenses paid to the Sam's Town 250 race which is in Memphis. We will have VIP passe, meet Michael Waltrip and have pictures taken with the car that they designed. The real kicker to all of this is that the race is on Hayden's 15'th birthday. This is something that is a very special opportunity for us as a family but more so for Hayden, which is what I told Allie from ALSAC. He has been through so much the past 2 years and has done so with few complaints. I know life has not been easy for him. I have tried to put myself in his shoes and just can't imagine what he is going through. So needless to say this was a very exciting thing for us. Domino's is a huge supporter of St.Jude

Then when they all got here they had brought with them a very special surprise for Stanton from the Louisiana State Troop G. They had called and asked about anything that they could do for Stanton we had talked about how much he enjoyed the computers in the hospital so they sent him a laptop with some children's games. Stanton was so excited. He just kept saying "this is my puter". Needless to say keeping him cooped up in a room was made much easier today. I know you are all wondering what a 3 year old needs with a computer but you would be amazed at how he can work it not to mention some of it is educational. Trooper Scobee and Alisha-thank you so much for this amazing gift. I had hoped we would be able to com home and let you give it to him in person. We took several pictures but I know they won't justice to his reaction. He did say when he came home he wanted to come thank the "woo woo man" (which is what he calls policemen}. You have made his life in the hospital so much easier and we know there are still many days to come. Thank you again so much.

As if this wasn't a good enough day, Jeff and I actually both got to leave the hospital at the same time for about 5 hours. When you have been an inpatient for almost 2 weeks now you can only imagine what a break this was. Thanks mom and dad for staying with him and giving us a break. I am hoping to spend a little special Hayden time tomorrow.

From here we continue to pray for his white count to recover. We also pray for the fevers to go away. We knew going into this chemo that it may take a while for his counts to recover but we were not expecting to stay in the hospital the whole time. They didi draw more blood cultures this morning and so we are also praying that they are still negative.

Psalm 37:4

Enjoy serving the Lord, and He will give you what you want.

I promise to contiue the story of our journey tomorrow.

Enjoying my service
Tina

Thursday, August 5, 2004 10:28 PM CDT

We are still in the hospital. The good news is his last line culture came back negative. He also had a CT of his sinuses and chest and abdomen today and there is no sign of a fungus. The bad news is we have no idea where the fever is coming from and his ANC is still “0”. He will continue on the antibiotics and start an antifungal medicine (precautionary). He will be an inpatient until he is fever free for 48 hours or until his ANC is above 500. My guess it will be about the same time. His spirits remain pretty good although he was begging to get out of the room today.

Mom, Dad, and Hayden are coming up tomorrow. This will be a much needed break for Jeff and I. With all the shift changing we don’t get to see each other much.

This morning driving to the hospital the song “I Want to Be Just Like You” came on the radio. When you have had a week like I have this week, you do begin to pray for God to just show you a simple reminder that he is still with you and that there really is a purpose to your journey. I know in my heart that He never leaves my side except to carry me and that there is definite purpose for our journey some days it is just not as clear as others. This song was a gentle reminder to me of one of my responsibilities as a mother. The lyrics are below and although it is of a father talking about his son I think you could see how any parent could relate:

He climbs in my lap for a goodnight hug
He calls me Dad and I call him Bub
With his faded old pillow and a bear named Pooh
He snuggles up close and says, >I want to be like you<
I tuck him in bed and I kiss him goodnight
Trippin' over the toys as I turn out the light
And I whisper a prayer that someday he'll see
He's got a father in God 'cause he's seen Jesus in me

Lord, I want to be just like You
'Cause he wants to be just like me
I want to be a holy example
For his innocent eyes to see
Help me be a living Bible, Lord
That my little boy can read
I want to be just like You
'Cause he wants to be like me

Got to admit I've got so far to go
Make so many mistakes and I'm sure that You know
Sometimes it seems no matter how hard I try
With all the pressures in life I just can't get it all right
But I'm trying so hard to learn from the best
Being patient and kind, filled with Your tenderness
'Cause I know that he'll learn from the things that he sees
And the Jesus he finds will be the Jesus in me
Right now from where he stands I may seem mighty tall
But it's only 'cause I'm learning from the best Father of them all

Watching Stanton daily it is easy to see how much he pick up on. I need to make sure that I share my love of God with him, he needs to see me reading the bible and praying. God thought I was worthy of 2 incredible children it is my responsibility to teach them to use their experiences (good and bad) to glorify God. I want to remind all of you with children how much they do look up to you and how they will act depends on your actions.

Proverbs 22:6

Teach a child to choose the right path, and when he is older, he will remain upon it.

I had already decided on my journal topic for tonight after hearing this song and as I was reading my bible Stanton wanted to sit in my lap and read to so that is what we did. We talked about God and what he wanted from us. One of the things we talked about was God wanted you to share. He was so funny because in such a serious voice he said “Mary Claire doesn’t share she needs to read her bible”. For any of you who know Stanton and Mary Claire the sharing thing is a 2 way street. It was just funny to hear what he got out of our conversation.

I just needed to share this entry with you so I will continue with the beginning of our journey tomorrow. It will be a difficult day to relive.

Thank you all for the words of encouragement. We love you all!

Only By His Grace
Tina

Wednesday, August 4, 2004 10:17 PM CDT

Okay, you know you have been an inpatient a long time when your hands are so dry from washing them so much. Stanton is still running a fever. It is not so high some times but has gotten above the 103 mark a couple of times. He had to get some blood today and his ANC was back to "0". He seemed to feel okay and was pretty bossy and Stanley did come out some, but who can blame him. I am sure Jeff would say I had an alter ego and I am sure he would say it has come out some as well. We have been so luck that we are familiar with the doctors who have been on the unit and we actually have Stanton's nurse practitioner as well. We haven't met a doctor that we didn't like but it is nice when they know Stanton and how his personality works. He is as still as smart as ever. He was being ugly and Jeff told him he was going to get the sad spoon. Stanton told him he couldn't spank him because he would get a bruise (which is true because his platelets are low). Like he has ever had a real spanking.

There is a fundraiser for St. Jude called the Memphis to Peoria Run. I am not exactly sure how it works except that each runner gets donations and then are assigned teams and they take turns running from St. Jude to Peoria. To watch these people line up to run is an awesome sight. Mrs. Sarah is running for her 3rd year I believe and this is our 2nd time to see her off. Actually today I was the only one that got to see her. Sarah-thank you so much for all that you do for the kids of St. Jude. We love you! They said this morning that this group of runners raised almost $700,000. Pretty incredible!

Now to where I left off in Stanton's journey. We left the hospital Friday evening and went to the Marriott where St. Jude housed their families until they had a plan of action. I can remember being exhausted and second guessing my decision to bring Hayden with us. I had opted to leave him at home because I did not know what we were walking into and I guess I wanted to shelter him some. Just as I was saying something to mom about "I should have brought Hayden" Jamie called from home and said Hayden had a fever. I thanked God for reminding me that he was in control and handling everything and I shouldn'e second guess anything. About that time there was a knock at the door, we couldn't imagine who in the world woulf be knocking on the door. It was my cousin Shannon and her daughter Cierra. We new they lived in Southaven but had no idea how close that was to Memphis. This was a much needed visit as we kind of got to get our minds off of things. Stanton aslo enjoyed the company. Shannon came back on Saturday to take us to Wal-Mart to get things that we hadn't packed. We enjoyed the day, again kind of putting in the back of our minds what was going on. I remember that there was a fitness room on the floor that we were staying on that led to a balcony outside. I remember those evenings of Jeff and I just standing there over looking downtown Memphis, sometimes speaking, sometimes in complete silence. Sunday we took it easy preparing for Monday and the unknown. To be continued.

I want to share something with you I got off of another website. It was to good not to share.

GOD'S TRUTH FOR EVERYDAY OF THE REST OF YOUR LIFE

God is good. God is good. God is good.

God heals-but he does it in his own way. And he wants to heal the whole person not just a disease.

Death happens-but Christ is the Lord of death. So death is really just a change of address.

Anything that ever happens to us can be a building block for God's kingdom.

Every moment of our lives is an extravagant gift from the God who loves you! Don't forget to say thank you.

Emilie Barnes

The last 2 I have to comment on in the 1st one look at the word "can". We have to use everything that happens to us as a building block for God's kingdom. As I have said before, God has equipped us with everything we need to do this.

The last one is something that I remind you of often. No one is promised a tomorrow. Never take a day for granted. Tell those that you love them, give your children hugs, never go to bed angry, more than anything thank God for all he has done for you. No matter how bad of a day you have had there is something that you can thank God for.

Taking Nothing for Granted
Tina

Tuesday, August 3, 2004 9:55 PM CDT

Well it appears that the cultures were true positives and not a contaminant because the cultures from yesterday came back positive also. What does this mean? Stanton has some kind of infection in his blood stream. The doctors say that it is unusual that this is his first time to have a line infection and that it is not something to be too concerned about. That is easier to believe when his temperature is not 103.4!!!! They will continue to draw cultures daily and he has to be in the hospital until he has 2 negative cultures back to back. The good news is that it appears that although his ANC was only 100 today that his bone marrow is trying hard to work because his hemoglobin stayed the same. We were all certain that he would need a blood transfusion today but he surprised us all.

He continues to amaze me with his ability to adapt to the situation and generally stay in such a good mood. He has grown up way to fast and knows more about medical things than most adults. He has been cooped up in a hospital room now for one week without complaining too much. He will try to bargain his way out though. We laugh because he has started asking for medicine when something hurts, but if the medicine is not one that he likes the hurt is suddenly all better. He gets to be pretty active sometimes and his lines get twisted and start beeping because they are occluded. We lift his shirt fix them and he goes on his way. Well today he started beeping and he said “Ugh me lines occluded again!” He lifted his shirt and fixed them and went about what he was doing. What 3 year old should have any idea what occluded means? He continues to be my hero!

I am not going to write about the first weekend of our journey tonight because I have a devotional I would like to share that is kind of lengthy. I will continue his story tomorrow.

During my quiet time today I came across an article called “Divine Connections”.

Romans 1:11-12

For I long to visit you so that I can impart to you the faith that will help your church grow strong in the Lord. Then, too, I need your help, for I want not only to share my faith with you but to be encouraged by yours; Each of us will be a blessing to the other.

I know I write often about the friends that we have made along our journey. As I read this article and looked back on my life I can definitely pinpoint some “divine connections”. These are people that God placed in my life to surround me with his love and to share the faith in Him that I have. I also realize that these people did not begin showing up on January 2, 2003 but people have been placed in my life from the day I was born to serve this purpose. It is just easier to see who those people are now. This article stresses the importance of recognizing, honoring and nurturing these connections. It is important to surround yourself with people that will lift you to a higher level in God. Every connection that God makes always produces positive results.

I mention this article tonight for several reasons. First of all to thank all of you who have been my “divine connections”. I would love to mention all of you but I know I would forget someone and wouldn’t want to do that. You all know who you are. You have all helped and continue to help me grow in my walk with the Lord.

There are a couple of people I will mention. When you become part of the St. Jude family you form bonds with people that just cannot be explained. To most people, the fact that Trish I cried because she was getting to go home, would be absurd. To others who have formed similar bonds they fully understand. Trish-You are certainly one of God’s “divine connections” in my life. Your faith and love of God is a constant source of inspiration for me. It never fails when I am having a “meltdown” I get an uplifting phone call from you. I hate the circumstance that we met under but I am so thankful to have found a lifelong sister. Thank you for everything!

Carol-I know for many reasons this was a rough week for you. I also know how hard it was to leave today. It is scary when you are leaving for longer periods of time. Again this is part of the St. Jude insanity, we don’t want to be here but we don’t want to go home. I hate the kids didn’t feel better so we could see each other more. Know that I will always be here for you no matter what. Keep your faith by surrounding yourself with Christian people who will help you to grow that faith. Love you!

Again, I could journal all night about people that I felt God placed in my life but I would be up all night writing it and it would take you all day to read it.

I do have another special prayer request. This is for another one of my St. Jude friends. You might have remembered me talking about a little boy named Jake from Monroe who has hepatoblastoma. They got some unwelcome news about a new tumor they found. Please add this little boy to your prayer lists as they are another one of those precious families that we have met. His website is www.caringbridge.org/la/jakeowen.

Thank you all for everything!

Only by His Grace
Tina

Joyce-He ditched all pillows today when he got the spiderman pillow. I just forgot to bring the matching blanket to the hospital so I will take it with me in the morning. He remided me ever so politely.

Monday, August 2, 2004 7:44 PM CDT

Well, we are still inpatient. They had told us yesterday that we might get to be discharged today until Stanton got a fever again. The blood cultures they drew last night grew gram positive cocci bacteria. The doctors don't seem to concerned but I haven't really gotten a chance to ask a lot of my questions. They have added an antibiotic and he will have to stay in the hospital until his counts recover. They are still "0". He didn't feel to hot today so he slept a lot of the day. He is getting good at some of the board games, but only when you play by his rules.

It was a bittersweet day for us as well. Emma Grace got the word that she could go home for a few weeks. We all had kind of gotten excited or accustomed to the idea that they would be around for a few weeks. We are so happy for them as I know how much nicer it is to sleep in your own bed but we will miss them. Hampton's-as I tell you often you can never know how much you mean to us. We love you!

Now for the continuation of Stanton's story. January 4, 2003: After spending the night in Minden Medical Center we rode with O.H. to Shreveport to catch a private plane to Memphis. The owner of the company that I worked for at the time offered this flight to us. Bill-you will never know how much stress this relieved from us. You will always hold a special place in my heart. I can honestly say that most of the rest of this day is a fog for me. I remember bits and pieces. I remember walking in the doors of St. Jude and it being nothing that I expected. We were greeted by a good friend who had a son at St. Jude. I often refered to Frank as one of the angels that God had put in our path. He took us under his wing and made sure we knew where to go. I remember meeting with the doctors and being told about the biopsy that they were going to perform. I then remember them telling us that we would go back to the Marriott and come back on Monday. I could not imagine! I just knew we would be admitted to the hospital and not get out until he was better. I think back at what a scary experience the biopsy and sedation was then and how routine it seems now. My at the water under the bridge.

My quiet time today led me to one of my new favorite verses in the Bible these days, John 16:33. In this verse God makes a couple of promises to us. 1) We will have troubles in our life. 2) We will also be granted peace. He also tells us not to worry about the troubles of the world because "I have overcome the world". We shouldn't run from trouble, we should polish up our shield of faith and sharpen ourselves on the Word of God. I have found that the peace does not come easily. The closer I wlak with God the more peace I have. If there are times when I get more anxious or worried I usually have not spent the time with God I should have. There is a song that Shelia with Lauren King Ministries sings and I want to share the words with you.

The Promise

I never said that I would give you silver or gold
Or that you would never feel the fire or shiver in the cold
But I did say you'd never walk through this world alone
And I did say, don't make this world your home.
I never said that fear wouldn't find you in the night
Or that loneliness was something you'd never have to fight
But I did say, I'd be right there by your side

Cause I know I made a promise that I intend to keep
My grace will be sufficient in every time of need
My love will be the anchor that you can hold onto
This is the promise, this is the promise I've made to you

I never said that friends would never turn their backs on you
Or that the world around you wouldn't see you as a fool
But I did say, like me you'll surely be despised
And I did say, My ways confound the wise
I didn't say you'd never taste the bitter kiss of death
Or have to walk through chilly Jordan to enter into rest
But I did say, I'd be waiting on the other side
And I did say, I'll dry ever tear you cry.

This is a beautiful song that touched my heart so deeply the first time that she sang it I had to get the words to it.

Things at times seem so tough and almost too much to bear but I am so thankful for God's promises that he will be by my side or carrying me when I can't seem to stand any longer.

Thank you all again for your love, prayers and support!

Standing on His Promises
Tina

Sunday, August 1, 2004 10:18 PM CDT

Stanton is still an inpatient. He had made it 48 hours without a fever and the chance of getting discharged tomorrow was great, until this afternoon when he developed a fever. We now pray that his counts will start coming up so that he has a mechanism to fight whatever is causing this fever. You could tell this afternoon that he didn’t feel great but he got very mad when he couldn’t get out of the room and ride his tricycle.

Barney and Trish make daily visits to see him but his main concern is Emma Grace. I am sure there will be lots of hugs and kisses when they are reunited. They will Meet with Dr. Santana tomorrow and map out their game plan.

Carol, Tori and Allie are also here. Tori has a sinus infection and hasn’t been able to see Stanton but Carol is sure to come get his kisses. Again, he would much rather get the kisses from Tori and Allie.

I have decided that I will share Stanton’s journey from the beginning. Almost more for my sake, but I hope you will enjoy.

On January 2, 2003 I took Stanton to Dr. Phillips because he had 2 black eyes. When we walked in she looked at him and made a couple of phone calls and scheduled a CT of his head as soon as possible. My mom called as we were going to the hospital and I told her not to worry about coming up there I would be fine, it would be a quick test and Stanton was going to get something to make him sleep. I also decided that I wouldn’t call Jeff until he got home because he would be home within the hour. When we got to the hospital Stanton was asking for his daddy so I decided I would try his cell phone and if he didn’t answer I just wouldn’t worry about it (I was completely oblivious to the fact that something could be really wrong). I talked to Jeff and of course he headed our direction. He got there a little before my mom did (I was expecting her as I knew she would be there). Stanton had his CT and we waited. Dr. Phillips ended up meeting us at the hospital because she couldn’t wait and wanted to see the CT. She came to the waiting room and told us that the CT looked good and then went on to explain what she was looking for. Neuroblastoma has a symptom called “raccoon eyes” when there are tumors behind the eyes. This did not appear to be the case in Stanton so she already had us an appointment with a pediatric ophthalmologist the next morning. Before we left she decided that she wanted to check his abdomen just one more time. She decided that she would not be able to sleep if we didn’t go ahead and scan the abdomen just to be sure. We were all in agreement that this was a good idea. Stanton was beginning to wake up and was not cooperating with this scan. We were just about to give up when he got still. The next memory is one that is instilled in my head for as long as I live. We rounded the corner and Dr. Phillips was standing there with tears in her eyes. I realized that my worst nightmare was coming true. Because Dr. Phillips is so on top of things she had already called the St. Jude affiliate in Shreveport before I even said what we wanted to do. Of course one of the first things I said was “I want him at St. Jude’s now”. She told me that they were working on it but we would have to be admitted upstairs until they talked to the doctors. The St. Jude doctors wanted him to get a blood transfusion and have him in Memphis the next day. I can remember making so many telephone calls and feeling numb. I remember being surrounded by so many family and friends. I can remember Julie who happened to be the nurse whose shift was ending when we got upstairs who stuck around to help in any way that she could. She is still sticking around a year and a half later. We love you Julie! I remember Brother Wayne coming by and praying with us. I remember Angela, Bill and Mr. Kennedy driving over to Minden at 10:00 at night to offer support. I could have never packed without Angela. But what I remember most is Stanton running around the halls laughing and playing. I could not believe that this was happening and that he was sick. I was certain that I would wake up from this nightmare. I also know that this is the time when I sent up prayers to God begging him to make this go away. The prayers were so different from what they are today. As I look back on this day I can tell you a few ways that prayers were answered. First my mom was in a wreck coming into town to the hospital. It was minor and my daddy came and did all the police report so mom could make it to the hospital. Second, Jeff answered his cell phone. He generally was not in his truck to hear the cell phone. Without these 2 things I would have been at the hospital by myself to receive this news. Third, Dr. Phillips was a new doctor in town who I know God placed in our paths because we have been told that not many doctors diagnose neuroblastoma the first time around. Fourth, Julie the nurse who went above and beyond her call of duty went home that night and started an email prayer chain that traveled all over the world. We know she was not our nurse by coincidence. I love to look back now and see the blessings that were right there in front of me at the time that I didn’t see as blessings because I was too caught up in my trials.

This is an overview of the day when my world came crashing in or so I thought at the time. I look at it now as maybe when my world began. I will continue to share over the next few days what happened next. It is amazing how vivid the memories still are.

I will leave you with the verse that starts off the month of August in my Grace for the Moment Book

2 Peter 3:18

But grow in the grace and knowledge of our Lord and Savior Jesus Christ.

I know I say this every night but it is a very sincere statement. Thank you all for all you do for us, the prayers, support, emails, mail and guestbook entries are all so special to us. I feel like part of such a huge family most of which I have never met.

Growing in His Grace
Tina

Saturday, July 31, 2004 10:24 PM CDT

Still coming to you from "inpatient" land. Stanton did not start off the day as well as he did yesterday. In fact Stanton did not start the day "Stanley" did. I began to get a little concerned until Jeff reminded me that Hayden had gone home yesterday. We can usually attribute "Stanley" to an event and I would say Bubba leaving qualified. He has been fever for 2 days now. He actually got out of the room for a short ride around the halls tonight. The game plan is to contiue to wait on his counts to come up so he can be discharged.

The Hampton's are back in town!!!! I know I often tell you all about the bond that St. Jude families have but you just could never understand it until you have been there. This whole family has been such a blessing to me and my family that there really are no words to describe it. Jeff picked them up from the airport and I got to go to dinner with them, so we each got our Emma Grace "fix". As for Stanton he will have to wait until at least Wed. (because of the treatment she had she cannot be around children or pregnant women for 7 days). This is where Stanton being in the hospital has been handy. He does know she is back and is ready for hugs and kisses when she is available.

I can't believe tomorrow will be August. I also can't believe we have been back in Memphis since April. This time last year we were anxious to be finishing our journey at St. Jude. I remember the time not being able to move fast enough. Now I find that there are times I wish time would just stand still.

I actually had some great quiet time today. Most of it I am not quite ready to put into words. I know that my journey is far from over and I am just letting the Lord lead me to where he wants me to be. I will share my verse for the day:

2 Timothy 4:7-8

I have fought the good fight, I have finished the course, I have kept the faith; in the future there is laid up for me the crown of righteousness, which the Lord, the righteous Judge, will award to me on that day: and not only to me, but also to all who have loved his appearing.

I encourage anyone who is struggling with something in their life to turn in all over to God. Keep the faith and He will provide for you. I have enjoyed all of the guestbook entries. I love to know that there are so many prayers being snet up each day for Stanton and his St. Jude friends.

Keeping the Faith
Tina

Friday, July 30, 2004 9:43 PM CDT

It was just another day in "inpatient" land. When I got there this morning it was obvious that Stanton was feeling much better. He played a lot and even ate a little. He did not have fever all day either which is a great thing. If he can keep that up we may be able to get out of the hospital Sunday or Monday. The better he feels the harder it is for him to stay cooped up.

Hayden went home today. Bill and Papaw Kennedy drove all the way up to pick him up. I know part of him was ready to go but the other part was enjoying being a family. Hayden-you really are a great kid and I hate things have to be like they are. Continue to be strong and make us proud. We love you! (in fact I am kind of lonely here tonight). They actually left when Stanton was asleep which made it easier on them but didn't stop Stanton for asking for his Bubba as soon as he opened his eyes. Bill, Angela and the whole Kennedy clan-there are some people who have been through this journey from the very beginning and have never waivered in your support in any way that we needed it. You guys are so much more than friends. Thank you from the bottom of our hearts. We love you! Thanks for hanging in there with us.

I talked to Jamie tonight and sometimes it is really cool to just talk about real people problems. Not problems related to a life threatening experience. My nieces are the cutest but have 2 totally different personalities. I have to say that because of the last year and a half I have missed a lot of Elynn Kate's developing personality but I think she is going to give everyone a run for their money. Mary Claire on the other hand I know her personality very well and actually will take some credit for the development hers (the good parts that is). She could actually be my child and from listening to Jamie may be before long. Jamie-just remember that there is a lot going on in her little world so don't be real hard on her. Mary Claire-I will rescue you as soon as I can.

Okay for my most exciting news for the day. The Hampton's will be arriving in Memphis at 8:30 in the morning. If you can't tell I am so excited. This family has come to mean so much to me I always look forward to spending time with them. They all can do wonders to lift your spirits. Stanton and Emma Grace will have to be kept seperate for a few days until her radioactivity comes down some more but I know after that they will be back to normal. They will be in Memphis for several weeks so I look forward to sharing some very special time and making some very special memories. Welcome Home Guys!!!!!!!!

Of course I cannont end without sharing my quiet time moments for today. In the book I was reading Debbie Harding described er suffering as her "cross to carry". I guess this is a concept that I had not thought about up until this point but after much thought and bible searching I found it very interesting. We were never promised that the road to salvation would be a wide and easy road. Our "crosses" are sometimes heavy and hurt very much. Jesus didn't tell us to go around the cross and He would be waiting on the other side, He said "PICK UP THE CROSS AND FOLLOW ME". This sent me on a scripture search in which I found the following 2 scriptures:

Matthew 16:24

Then Jesus said to the disciples, IF ANYONE WANTS TO BE A FOLLOWER OF MINE, LET HIM DENY HIMSELF AND TAKE UP HIS CROSS AND FOLLOW ME.

Luke 9:23

Then he said to all, "ANYONE WHO WANTS TO FOLLOW ME MUST PUT ASIDE HIS OWN DESIRES AND CONVENIENCES AND CARRY HIS CROSS WITH HIM EVERYDAY AND KEEP CLOSE TO ME."

There was also a poem I wanted to share:

The Cross

The everlasting God has, in His wisdom forseen from eternity the cross that He now presents to you as a gift from His inmost heart.

This cross He now sends you He has considered with His all-knowing eyes, understood with His divine mind, tested with His wise justice, warmed with His loving arms, and weighed with His own hands, to see that it be not one inch too large and not one ounce too heavy for you.

He has blesses it with His Holy name, annointed it with His grace, perfumed it with his consolation, taken one last glance at you and your courage, and then sent it to you from heaven, a special greeting from God to you, an alms of the all-merciful love of God.

Just a little different angle on what I have been saying for weeks. I thought you would enjoy. I still have a hard time calling my cross at this moment a blessing because of everything Stanton is having to go through but I do believe that God has it all worked out and in the end I will see the blessings.

I am contemplating doing a recap of Stanton's walk through this journey beginning January 2, 2003. It will be something that I would do each night in addition to the daily thoughts for the day. I don't know if any of you would be interested but I am curious about your feedback so please let me know. I didn't journal last year and I regret it so much more for Stanton than anyone but I thought you all may like to know what a day in the life of a 3 year old with cancer is like. Don't feel bad to tell me I am too long winded already, I won't be hurt.

Carrying my cross
Tina

Thursday, July 29, 2004 8:58 PM CDT

All is well as can be in "inpatient" land. Stanton had 2 more nosebleeds in the night but I think we finally got that under control but not before keeping the doctor on call up most of the night. Needless to say his hemoglobin had dropped significantly since yesterday so he spent most of the day getting blood. He has to get Tylenol and Benadryl before he gets blood so we really don't know about his fever because he got Tylenol all day. The Benadryl kept him asleep most of the day so I had a lot of quiet time. So guess what? You know I am going to share.

I sat in the hospital room and thought about the last year. In some ways it seems like so long ago and in other ways it seems like just yesterday. As much as I have accepted this life it is still so hard to believe sometimes. Watching Stanton and all he knows about being sick amazes me. He really never got a chance to just be a baby. He knows when he needs platelets, he knows you flush your lines with Heparin and he knows that no matter what you wash your hands.

I have been reading a book that Chasitity gave me before she left called "Amazing Grace for those Who Suffer". It is ten stories about people who have suffered one way or another. The ones I have read so far just reaffirm my faith in God and His purpose for everything that I have been going through. I am now going to put in writing some of what I have learned over the last few months.

It sometimes takes a situation that we cannot control, no matter how hard we try, to learn to be completely dependent on God. I know that there were aspects of my life that I may not have always looked to God for answers because I thought I could handle them on my own or maybe because I was ashamed of what I was asking. I have learned (the hard way I must say) that there is nothing in my life I have control over. Actually nothing that I even want control over. It is so nice to say "Here God, here it is what do I do next" and to know that God is there listening to me and actually proud of me for giving Him the praise and control He so deserves.

I also know that our prayers tend to be centered around what we want or need. In some cases we turn to God as a last ditch desperate attempt to solve our problems. You may then begin to feel like your prayers are not being answered so you turn to someone or somethings. When what we should do is turn to God first. We should put our trust in God, who is the only one that can give us the strength and grace to get through the difficult times. I can say that my prayers have changed since January of 2003. I went from begging God for Stanton's complete healing, to now, remindng God of what I want (nothing less than complete healing) but also for His will to be done and for the strength I will need to handle this. Last year I also said that I would never be able to talk about this whole ordeal rationally at any time, I would not accept this life. I now pray for God to help me use this "hurt" in my life to bring glory to Him. I find myself seeking out families or in some cases families seeking out "Stanton's mom" to talk to about our children and how good God is. I have been blessed to be surrounded by so many Christian friends here at St. Jude. Changing my conversations with God was one of the most difficult moments in my journey, but after they had changed I have felt such a peace. It is a peace I hope to share with all of you. I truly believe that I am slowly getting to where God wants me to be. I know I will not be perfect until I stand before Him, but I want to use my time now to share with others all of my trials, lessons and blessings and to share God with all of those who don't know Him.

Isaiah 55:8

THIS PLAN OF MINE IS NOT WHAT YOU WOULD WORK OUT, NEITHER ARE MY THOUGHTS THE SAME AS YOURS! FOR JUST AS THE HEAVENS ARE HIGHER THAN THE EARTH, SO ARE MY WAYS HIGHER THAN YOURS AND MY THOUGHTS THAN YOURS.

I got word from the Hampton's tonight that Emma Grace is out of the hospital and will be back in Memphis on Saturday. Everything seemed to go as expected just a little quicker which was good for everyone. I can't wait to spend some much needed "mommy" time with Trish. So much has happened since we last got to just sit and talk without having to rush around. It is a blessing that I can hardly wait for.

Elynn Kate also did well with her surgery today. Jamie said you would never even know she had had surgery. We tried to explain to Stanton that Elynn Kate had a "magic line" today. He said she wasn't special because her magic line was in her hand and not her tummy. Thing in his mind are so simple for someone with such a complicated life.

Thank you for your continued prayers, love and support.

Totally Dependent on Him
Tina

For anyone back home that is looking for the yellow bands that I mentioned last night, I think Minden Athletic had a few left. I know my mom went by there but I don't think she got them all.

Wednesday, July 28, 2004 10:11 PM CDT

Well, we are back in "inpatient" mode. Stanton had an okay day. You could tell he did not feel good becasue he just laid around a lot. He still has fever. He had to get platelets this morning and will probably need blood tomorrow.

Jeff and Hayden got to have some father/son time at the Redbirds game tonight. Of course while they were gone we had a little catastrophe and according to Jeff it was because he was not there. Stanton sneezed and his nose started bleeding, no big deal right? Not with Stanton. After about 10 minutes of trying to get it to stop I called the nurse. Long story short we kept continuous pressure on it for about an hour and then had to pack it to get it to stop. We all just new he needed platelets again but they weren't too bad. He is getting them again tonight anyway. He was such a big boy letting them hold his nose for so long and I know he had to be scared because there was a lot of blood. In between the catastrophe we had some great mommy/Stanton time. He can be so sweet.

He also finished his radiation today. This is also a good thing because his eyes were really starting to get irritated. He actually would ask for a wet rag tonight to hold on them because they hurt. Only one at a time though because he had to be able to see Tom and Jerry out of the other eye.

I have to share about the Lance Armstrong bracelets that seem to be a big thing now since you can't find them anywhere. They are a yellow arm band that says LIVESTRONG. I first saw them when Trish had one that Emma Grace's chemo angel had sent them. They benefit Lance Armstrong's foundation that support survivors of cancer and their families. I just tought they were neat. Well, Whittney brought Hayden one home from Florida and I decided it would be neat to have them as a family and a few special people at the hospital as a "cancer family" Stanton support kind of thing. I had no idea how they would go over. I had people coming to me today wanting to buy one from me. Well, since I do nothing half way I went on a search for the bands and found them. So off Jeff and Hayden went. Needless to say there are many people at St. Jude's that have these bands now and it really is cool to see everyone wearing them. So if anyone happens to see them, they cost 1 dollar and the proceeds go to a good cause and you could wear it and think to stop and pray for Stanton.

I will end with a poem sent to me from Sug's Sunday School Class:

God hears the very smallest prayer,
Nor send a cross too great to bear,
And though we stumble now and then,
He always picks us up again.
There is no moment day or night,
When we are hidden from his sight,
No wall too high nor door too stout,
To keep His loving care without.

His ways are wiser than our own,
His strength remains when ours is gone,
We must not doubt nor question why,
He sends the answers by and by.
And this I know within my heart,
All darkness fades and shadows part,
And that sometime, somehow, somewhere,
God sees and answers every prayer.

Only by His Grace
Tina

My niece Elynn Kate who is a year old will be having her adenoids taken out tomorrow. You all know how much I love my neices and how I hate not being there for her so please send up extra prayers for her and her doctors. Elynn Kate-I love you so much and hope you feel good tomorrow.

Tuesday, July 27, 2004 9:51 PM CDT

Welcome back to the world of high dose chemo. I told you yesterday that his counts had dropped to nothing well what usually happens after that is a fever so guess what? You got it. This afternoon he got a fever which is a one way ticket back to the second floor. He has no immune system so they have to keep a close eye on him and give him IV antibiotics. We will be inpatient until his counts start to come back (no idea how long). The main problem with this type of stay is that as long as he has fever he can't leave the room which should be fun. He continues to be such a trooper though so I am sure he will adjust.

Hayden and I got to spend some quality time this afternoon running some errands. Jeff liked that because I didn't drag him around everywhere with me.

Stanton got a prayer cloth in the mail today from Ms. Alice Meadows. She is someone who got his website address from another website. I can't thank all of you enough who check on us and send mail to someone you don't even know. I just wish I could share the smiles on his face as he opens them.

He also got a surprise from Aunt Hazel today, a new cowboy hat and cowboy and horse. He sure thought he looked cute in the new hat.

I have to share some of the conversation we had with Stanton last night as we were going to bed. He has decided that he cannot pray until he gets back home. We work really hard and usually will convince him to but last night he was adamant that he wasn't praying. He then began asking questions about heaven and where Jesus lived. He asked if there were bad guys where Jesus lived and if he would ever have to go live with Jesus. Again, remember he is 3. I know in his little mind he is really thinking about the events of the last 2 weeks and I wish I could help him to understand. I really wished he could put his thoughts into words because I think he would shed some light for me. I wish I could explain to him the impact he has had on so many lives.

One statement that comes to my mind is "God is good, all the time." and "All the time, God is good. I don't everyones circumstances but I do know that no matter what the circumstances God is good. We may not see the benfits immediately but if youlook back you will see God's goodness.

I have talked to Trish briefly today and Emma Grace has had her infusion. She seems to be doing good, but wants to be held. During this treatment they can't hold her for several days. I know this is breaking Trish's heart. Trish-I wish I could be there to hold your hand. Know my heart is with you and I am right there beside you. I will try to keep you posted on her latest news as I get it.

As far as our game plan, we will be in the hospital until he is fever free for 48 hours and his counts have begun to rise. He will probabaly need platelets tomorrow. Jeff will take the night shift and I will take the day.

Please pray specifically that there is no infection and that the fever is chemo induced. Pray for Jeff and I as inpatient stays are the most trying and exhausting.

Thank you for your continued prayers and support.

God is Good
Tina

Isaiah 40:31

They that wait upon the Lord shall renew their strength. They shall mount up with wings like eagles; they shall run and not be weary; they shall walk and not faint.

Monday, July 26, 2004 9:40 PM CDT

Well we are back to the world of high dose chemo. We got to the hospital today and had radiation. Then it was Christmas in July at St. Jude's so we got to go see Ho Ho Merry Christmas (Santa Claus) who had presents for all of the kids. We then got his labs checked and when I went to the clinic to pick up the results the nurse came out with a mask in hand. His ANC is "0"!!! His platelets were 40 and hemoglobin 7.8 which bought us a 4 hour stay in the medicine room this afternoon. We did see the doctor who reminded us that we would probably be back in the hospital with a fever by the weekend. I told him I really wished he wouldn't wish that on us. Of course, although all of his counts are low you would never know by his energy level. He has been "Stanley" part of the day.

I talked to Trish tonight and Emma Grace is settled into the hospital in Philly. She will be injected with her nuclear medicine tomorrow. Say extra special prayers for this family as I know this can't be easy.

In my quiet time today my devotional was called "Hungry for God" and took me to Genesis Chapter 27 and the story of Jacob. I am not going to retell this story but touch on some of the high points that really touched my life. I know some of this seems like I repeat myself but I just can't stress some of these points enough.

God desires to grow and strengthen the faith of His followers, and the road to this faith may not always be easy. We can cower at the crisis we face and simply hope for the best, or we can face these challenges with purpose and seek what God wants to teach us.

I guess that is what keeps me going so many of the hard days. I am constantly seeking what God wants from me during our crisis. I know there is a purpose and I want to make sure that I recognize the purpose and do my best to fulfill that purpose. If Stanton can endure so much it is my responsibility to use his story to glorify God and let his light shine in me.

I know that as I pray each day there are some times when it can get frustrating. I get so caught up in the "this is what I want" syndrome that I forget that God knows what I want. What I have to remember to pray (which is also the most difficult) is for God's will not mine. I then just have to ask for the strength to endure whatever His will is. I have also learned that although I prayed for some specific things and I felt like my prayers weren't answered looking back I see that God may have answered my prayers in much bigger and better ways than I ever imagined.

God uses our circumstances to teach us to totally depend on Him. Many of us may go through dark times only to give up in the middle of the night when if we could just wait until daybreak we may see that the battle was not meant to hurt us but to bless us.

When we go through a crisis God doesn't always answer all of our questions; He doesn't tell us everything we want to know like why or how long. What we must realize is that the answers to those questions really aren't important. What is important is knowing that we aren't enduring the crisis alone. We have God with us and his purpose is being accomplished.

"Don't turn on God, don't leave Him during a crisis. I know it gets tough, and I know you get tired, but God is with you. When your life is falling apart, God is there. When you are alone, God is there. When you are hurting God is there, When it is dark, God is there. So stay where you are until God moves you, because He is there with you."

Tony Evans

Matthew 28:20

"AND Be SURE OF THIS-THAT I AM WITH YOU ALWAYS, EVEN UNTIL THE END OF THE WORLD."

Thank you all who continue to visit Stanton's website and let me share a little of our life with you. I have many people say they enjoy it and I am so happy to know that people are reading it. I take no credit at all for it. I turn to God daily for guidance on what to share.

Looking to the "SON"
Tina

Sunday, July 25, 2004 7:58 PM CDT

I am actually starting this entry in the peace and quiet (yes you read right, quiet). At the last minute we decided for Hayden to stay in Memphis with us this week so the 3 guys are out writing on the sidewalk. I decided what better time to have quiet time and after I finished that decided I would journal.

We had a great weekend. Stanton felt good (so good we tend to worry if the chemo did its job). We do know the worst is yet to come and should start tomorrow. I am ready to get his counts checked to see how they are.

Mom, Dad and Mary Claire went home this afternoon. As always this was hard. I am not one of those people who would have done good moving away from my family. I enjoy having them pretty close by. Mom and Dad have been so supportive and so faithful in calling and making the long drive up here when we don’t get to come home. I know they miss Stanton but I also know they are checking on their baby as well. Mom-to hear you say you are proud of me meant so much to me this weekend. I know there have been so many times in my life when I don’t think you would have said those words about things I had done. You are such an awesome mom, wife, daughter, grandmother and professional making you proud means a lot to me.

Mary Claire-what can I say except that you never fail to bring a smile to my face. I love it when you come and have some “Tina Time”. It is time that will never be forgotten and is definitely not taken for granted. I love you more than my arms can reach.

It also feels good to have my family together even if only for a week. I know how much Stanton misses Hayden and how much Hayden misses Stanton so the week should do them both some good.

My quiet time today led me to a couple of verses about disappointment and handling disappointment. Barney and Trish reminded me when Stanton relapsed that God never promised me a perfect life, only His perfect love. I have had my share of disappointments in my lifetime although nothing can compare to Stanton’s diagnosis and relapse. Obviously my life is far from perfect, but how thankful I am that I can feel God’s perfect love daily. I don’t know how someone who doesn’t know God gets through every day. As I have said many times before I don’t think God gave Stanton cancer just as God doesn’t cause disappointments in our lives. What he does do is filter everything that happens to us. He has the power to stop whatever disappointment happens and probably does stop a lot of it, but he does allow the disappointments to happen. I know a lot of you will say “Why?” It is through the disappointments that our characters are built. For those of us who turn to him it is through these disappointments that we become more like Jesus. The one certain thing through the disappointments is that we go through none of them alone. God has walked ahead of us, is walking with us (in some cases carrying us), and is walking behind us to catch us when we fall. We are promised His grace, His sufficiency and His wisdom.

Psalm 34:18-19

The Lord is close to those whose hearts are breaking; he rescues those who are humbly sorry for their sins. The good man does not escape all troubles-he has them too. But the Lord helps him in each and every one.

I am so thankful that I don’t have to walk through life alone. I know many days when God has carried me and I know there will be many more to come.

I want to list a few special friends that need extra prayers:

Travis and Chastity-remember them as they continue their lives without Zoie
www.caringbridge.org/la/zoie

Emma Grace-She will be admitted to CHOP in Philadelphia tomorrow and injected on Tuesday. Pray that this experimental treatment works in attacking her cancer.
www.caringbridge.org/ar/emmagrace

Ben-meets with the doctor tomorrow to determine the next course of treatment. The experimental drugs did not appear to work

Aaron-he has had a donor bone marrow transplant and his cancer has still come back.

Brianna’s parents-Brianna lost her battle with neuroblastoma earlier in the week.

Dalton-he has gone home to continue his treatment at home
www.caringbridge.org/daltoncorlette

Jake-receiving chemo in Shreveport
www.caringbridge.org/la/jakeowen

I could go on and on. There are so many children here at St. Jude and all of them need special prayers.

Thank you all for your continued prayers, love and support.

Walking by His side
Tina

Saturday, July 24, 2004 9:11 PM CDT

Well, you all got a little reprieve last night with a brief entry so
I guess I will make up for it tonight.

Stanton is still feeling pretty good. He hasn’t eaten much today which makes me think he isn’t feeling well, but you would never know by his energy level.

Today was a great day. Of course mom and dad are here which means we get to have some adult time. Poor mom and dad they get all of the kids but I think they enjoy it just a little. We had some of our good friends (really more like family) drive up today to spend the day. Angela/Bill-it was great to see you and get to spend some adult time. We really had a great time. To the rest of the Kennedy clan-you all do way too much for us and will never know how much you mean to us. You know we consider you part of our extended family. Thank you all!

Lauren King was at the house tonight and as always it is great when they come. The meal is always good but the fellowship is AWESOME! Larron uses the chapel service to get to know us all a little better and his message usually hits the nail on the head. Thank you guys for all that you do for us. Keep up the great work.

Now for the long part, I got a letter in the mail from Travis and Chastity yesterday and I hope that they don’t mind but I am going to share a little of it because it has just been on my heart. In fact, I was up a lot last night thinking about what she had said. First of all we still miss you guys so much! I know when people say things to you they are not just quite sure what to say, I also know that until someone has walked in your shoes they can never know what you are going through or have been through. Chastity said that people have said “now you can get back to a normal life”. Her comment to me was “I didn’t realize that we didn’t have a normal life” “Do you think your life is normal?” Trish once told me that normal was a setting on the dryer. Wise wise words from a pretty wise person. (Who actually updated twice this week). Go Trish!!!!!

When your child is diagnosed with cancer normal takes on a whole new meaning. I remember when we first got here the doctor would say, “Oh this is normal”. One day I had heard that phrase enough and told him that there was nothing about this whole ordeal that is “normal” so could he please rephrase that. He began to say “this is to be expected”. I guess this was a little better. In answer to Chastity’s question, yes I think my life is normal. I don’t think it is like everyone else’s normal but our normal. I think we accept the new way of life that God has dealt us and make it our normal. Is it how I would have chosen, well of course not, but I am glad that Stanton is in a place that can be normal for him, a place that he is comfortable. So Chastity, yes I think your life was normal. I think you were a great mom and made things as easy for Zoie as possible. I know that your life will never be the same and that your “normal” will change into your “new normal” without the physical presence of Zoie. I also know that this won’t happen overnight, it will just take time. Zoie had such a story to tell, I again just challenge you to keep this story going through her memory. We love you guys! Hang in there and know our ears and shoulders are always open.

I don’t say any of this to offend anyone because I know the words are so hard to come up with. I don’t think there are any words to say to a parent that has lost a child that are the right ones. I think an ear to listen or shoulder to cry on can mean more than any words.

Another one of our Neuroblastoma warriors lost her battle this week. Brianna, I know you are playing with all your St. Jude siblings in heaven. We will miss you!

Thank you all for your continued prayers, love and support. We love you all!

Only by His Grace
Tina

Friday, July 23, 2004 8:36 PM CDT

We are out of the hospital. Stanton finished all his medicine and fluids and we got back to RMH about 2:00. He has still shown few side effects although there are times we know he doesn't feel as good as others. His counts should be falling by Monday and we will see how things play out from there.

Daddy, Mom, Hayden and Mary Claire came up today. He always loves to see them and has played so hard since they got here.

I know this entry is short but I am exhausted and spent most of the afternoon on the phone trying to get our computer working again.

Please continue to pray for minimal side effects of this chemo and that he will not get a fever. Thank you all for your continued prayers love and support. I love the journal entry about the smell of rain. I think it is so appropriate for these kids here. I think they all have a special connection and understanding with God.

Being Carried In His Arms
Tina

Thursday, July 22, 2004 9:23 PM CDT

Well, Stanton did not get to come home today as expected. There is a medicine he has to take 3 times after the chemo and it was going to be so late tonight when he gets it that they decided to let him stay another night. He has adjusted so well. He is still feeling okay. His tummy hurt a little today, but he still seems to be feeling fine.

I will share a pretty funny story(everyone but me thought it was funny) that happened this morning. First of all they are pumping him full of fluids during the chemo so he goes to the bathroom at least once an hour during the day and Jeff has to wake him up every 2 hours during the night because he refuses to wear pull ups or a diaper because he is not a baby. This is where being a boy comes in handy because we don't have to drag he and the IV pole to the bathroom we just bring the urinal to him. Well, this morning right after I got there he had to go so I got him all ready and before I knew it somehow he was missing the urinal and tee tee was going all over me. He got to laughing which did not help matters any. Talk about making memories. A great friend of our Christi Brasher witnessed the whole ordeal and was laughing so hard she was crying.

We then went to radiation which went much better than yesterday. Dr. Krasin has added 5 more days since he seems to be tolerating it so well so he will finish next Friday.

The Hampton's got off to Philadelphia just fine and I have talked to them as they are settling down at the Ronald McDonald House there. Of course Emma Grace wants to know where Stanton is. They will meet with the doctor tomorrow and start treatment Monday. Please pray extra prayers for this very special family.

Our friend Ben also got news today that he has 2 more spots after one round of the Phase I study. They will be meeting with the doctor Monday to determine his next step. This is also a very precious family.

Aaron who is recovering from a bone marrow transplant found out today that his disease is still there. I have no news on their further treatment options.

I want to take a minute to thank a very special family that we met through Travis and Chastity. Larry and Betty Beaudreaux (spelling?), of course from Louisiana have pretty much taken us under their wing the last couple of weeks. Their daughter Brittany had Hodgkins Lymphoma and got great results today. Larry and Betty have fed us good home cooked Louisiana cooking and it has been wonderful. They will be going home tomorrow and we will miss them but are happy for them. Stanton is pretty territorial about his parking spots so after he had fussed at Mr. Larry a couple of times about parking in his spot Jeff pulled up today to find a sign that said "reserved for Stanton". Thank you both for all you have done for us. I will be happy to return the favors but in some way other than cooking (for all of you who know me you understand why).

My devotional today led me to Hebrews 11:8-10. These verses are about Abraham and how he trusted God completely. God told him to leave his home and he did. He did not ask where he was going or why he just did exactly what God said. I think of how many times God has told me to do something or through circumstances "forced" me to do something or go somewhere and how many times I have asked "why" or "what". I wanted answers before I took action. I have learned the hard way that the answers don't usually come first. I just must do what God asks me to and know that I will get the answers in His time. I am thankful that although I don't have all of the answers that God does throw an "answer" my way every now and then which makes it easier to keep moving forward, walking in faith that he has it all already worked out. I have also learned through our journey that if you are not moving in the right direction, you will never know where you are supposed to be going.

"You have been called out of an old way of living, thinking, and acting into a new way called the WALK OF FAITH"

Tony Evans

I will continue to thank everyone for the continuous prayers, love and support. We love you all!

In His Faithful Obdeience
Tina

Wednesday, July 21, 2004 10:41 PM CDT

My computer has been acting crazy so this may be a short entry although I have thought about it all day and what I wanted to say.

Stanton had a pretty good day. He is still showing minimal side effects from the chemo but he is not eating as well which makes me think he is a little nauseated. The side effects we are seeing are from the steroids that they give hime to counteract the chemo side effects. In the afternoon he gets so angry. It is almost uncontrollable which makes it hard on all of us. He has gone through so much and we sympathize with him and just have to remember it is the medication. It just so happened that radiation fell late in the afternoon which spelled DISASTER. It took us about 45 minutes to calm him down enough, it was to the point that they paged the doctor in case we couldn't calm him down. He also had a screaming fit tonight after I came back to RMH because he did not have any Wiggles underwear or Blues Clues. So yes, I took him more underwear.

I want to take a minute to thank Channel 3, a Shreveport television station who are huge supporters of St. Jude. They have been at the hospital all week doing interviews for their dream home give away. I always enjoy doing these interviews (although I am not much on watching myself on TV) but I do feel like I am giving a little bit back to the hospital that has given us so much. I interviewed with Rick Rowe yesterday and truly enjoyed it. These guys take this personal which is how they manage to do such a great job. An example of this is Jan Elkins who interviewed us last year stopped by today just to tell us goodbye and that they were thinking about us. It is not something they do as part of their job responsibilities it is something they do because they love St. Jude and the children that it helps. I know this is more than a job because last year after our interview, which took about 45 minutes they all left and we just assumed they would run the story and not think too much more about it. Several weeks after the interview, Jan saw Hayden at a hunting show I believe and she approached him by name and asked about all of us by name. Pretty impressive considering all of the families that she interviewed. So a big thank you to Rick, Jan, and all of the rest of the crew from Channel 3! We appreciate all you do for such a wonderful place that means so much to us.

The Hampton's made it in today. I don't know who needed who more, me needing Trish or Stanton needing Emma Grace. It was great to see the fabulous family who we consider our own. Good luck to all of you in Philly. We will send up extra special prayers. We will miss you but know it won't be long. You can never imagine how much all of you mean to me and my family. There is just a bond that I can't explain.

There is also a special friend here who we met through the Hampton's. Chris and Christal-Christal has ependymoma which has recently come back. I think they said she has had a total of 12?? surgeries, all of which I think have been on the brain. Christal is an amazing kid who like all of the others has been through so much and continues smiling as does her mother Chris (who happens to be 18 weeks pregnant). It is amesome to be surrounded by Christian friends who are always reminding us to keep looking up. Christal has a web page christalinfo.servemp3.com if you would like to hear more of her story.

I spend so much time talking about trials and God's purpose for my life, I thought tonight I would list some blessings that God has provided for us.

First of all I have been blessed with a wonderful family. My children are both amazing and I can't imagine how I rated such wonderful kids.

I have been blessed to be at a hospital as wonderful as St. Jude. They have not only provided treatment for Stanton but support for Jeff and I as well. Dr. Furman-you are the greatest. I know how frustrated you must feel at times but you continue to keep moving forward never giving up. Words can never express how much all you have done for Stanton means to us. Keep up the good work with the kids and the research. I know there has to be a cure. Sandy-I can't imagine having your job. You are truly amazing at all that you manage to accomplish. The love for the kids shines through and I believe that makes you a much better nurse practitioner because of it. I can't imagine the past year and a half without you. D clinic nurses and schedulers-you guys amaze me at how things always manage to work out. It seems that no matter how much I bother you, you just continue to smile and help me in any way possible. To the 2 SW staff-you guys have made this inpatient stay as easy as possible for all of us. All of you are the very best! Thank you so much. Dr. Santana-we are so glad you were the doctor on call this week. It definately helped make things easier. I could go on and on about staff at the hospital from the Child Life specialists to the radiation staff, sedation nurses, they are all wonderful. You have all truly made St. Jude our "safe haven".

I am blessed to be able to have a place to stay like the Ronald McDonald House. The families you meet are friends for a lifetime and all share a common bond. I can't say enough about the management of the house. It is a reponsibility that I cannot even imagine. Sherry-You are absolutley AWESOME! I am so glad that God put you in our path. I think you have a very hard job and do it wonderfully. Amanda-Of course I will say great things about you. Sometimes picking on you may bring the only smile to my face all day. Tim-what can I say, if you can make Stanton a responsible young adult, the job is yours. Thank you all for loving our kids and making a very difficult situation as easy as possible and as much like home as possible (with the exception of Tim telling Stanton "no").

I make a point each day to stop and thank God for all of my mny blessings. The next time you sit down to talk to God don't forget to thank him for all he has done for you. No matter what the circumstance there is always something to be thankful for.

Only by His Grace
Tina

Tuesday, July 20, 2004 9:29 PM CDT

Day 2 down and still pretty uneventful. Stanton seems to be tolerating the chemo well although they have told us that it may not catch up with him until tomorrow. He didn't seem to be as hungry today which leads me to believe that he may be feeling a little nauseated. His other problem is that they are pumping him full of fluids which is no problem during the day but last night he was either up using the bathroom or using the bathroom in the bed. We have tried to convince him to wear a diaper or pull-up at night but he promptly informs us "me is not a baby". How can you argue with that when we worked so hard to convince him he was a big boy. I guess we will just work through it one night at a time.

I was pretty busy today. There are 2 places that could ask me to do just about anything and I would not be able to tell them no. Those 2 places are St. Jude's and the Ronald McDonald House. It just so happened that they had both asked me for something today. I did an interview for the Shreveport Dream Home this morning and a radio show for the Ronald McDonald House this afternoon. These places are both so dear to my heart and have meant so much to us this past year. Last year when we did the Dream Home interview I had really hoped to be home to do this years interview. It seemed strange to think about the interview last year and where we were in our journey compared to now. I look back and see how much I had grown as a Christian, mother, wife, daughter, sister, etc. and then look at myself today. I see continued growth in all of these areas. I hope that I can continue to grow and continue to share with you as I do.

My quiet time thought for the day:

The most important thing we can ever hope for from God is God Himself. Hope that He will be with us in our troubles. Not necessarily for Him to take our troubles away, but always to be there under us to hold us up, ahead of us to lead the way, behind us to push is along, over us to keep an eye on us, and in us to keep alive our hopes of getting beyond our troubles.

I can't end a journal without thanking everyone for the continued prayers, love and support.

Only by His Grace
Tina

Elizabeth-It was great talking to you tonight. I can never say enough about what you mean to me and my family and how blessed we were that God placed you in our lives.

Barney, Trish and Emma Grace will be here tomorrow. Yeah!!! It seems like it has been so long since we have seen them so I can't wait.

Monday, July 19, 2004 10:39 PM CDT

Well, we have gotten settled into our new home for the next 4 days. It seems strange to be back as an inpatient but I think we all have the swing of it again. I was really worried about how Stanton would adjust, but he is such a trooper. It really hasn’t bothered him, although Mrs. Sarah was his nurse and Miss Amy brought the farm and the animals early. He is really eating well which I hope doesn’t change. He finished the first day of chemo at about 6:30 and so far so good. Jeff actually spends the night at the hospital with him and we change shifts in the morning. I am so blessed to be married to a man who is willing to do anything for his children and for me. Jeff, I know not many men would have been able to do what you do for Stanton and me. I love you so much!

Stanton will be in the hospital until Thursday unless he gets a fever. Our dearest friends will be here Wed. (yes I am counting the days) getting ready to fly out to Philadelphia for Emma Grace’s next step of her journey against the beast. Barney, Trish, Emma Grace we can’t wait to see you. We miss you so much. For all of you reading this please stop by Emma Grace’s web page and wish them well on their journey. Not to mention Trish is an excellent writer. www.caringbridge.org/ar/emmagrace.

I know I have shared with you before from the book I am reading called “The God You Can Trust” and yes, I am still reading it I just tend to jump around when it comes to devotional time and whatever seems right for the day. Well the chapter I read tonight was something that really touched my heart and I of course will share it with all of you. The chapter is called “His Faithfulness to Finish His Work In You” I have shared a portion of this chapter about God not asking us to do something without equipping us to do it. The scripture I want to share with you is God’s promise to complete His work in us.

1 Thessalonians 5:23-24

May the God of peace himself make you entirely pure and devoted to God; and may your spirit and soul and body be kept strong and blameless until that day when our Lord Jesus Christ comes back again. God, who called you to become his child, will do all this for you, just as he promised.

This part of the chapter really hit home in a couple of areas for me. It talks about without God nothing is possible, so when we are struggling with a problem and we think we can fix it on our own we may try to hide from God. We come out of the problem thinking we have done something good and accomplished something on our own and God would say “Without me you could do nothing”. Everything starts with God and if it doesn’t start there then you haven’t really started.

It talks of how God is constantly working in our lives. He will settle for nothing less than perfection, which is what he will have when we stand before his throne. I know I get easily discouraged at times; it just seems as if nothing is going right or at least not like I would like it to be going. I look to God and question why things have to be the way they are. I really don’t expect an answer right away; I know I will get it in His time. But this book describes spiritual growth as sometimes a very discouraging adventure. “Like climbing Mount Everest: the closer you get to the top, the farther away it seems.” God has a reason for all of this. As I say often, I know that God has a purpose for this journey. I just have to keep my eyes and heart open so as not to miss the opportunity. God designed life so that it works only when we let him be in total control.

The book also quotes a lady named Barb Duncan on her experiences with God’s faithfulness. It was so perfect I just have to share it with you.

“The strange thing is that when you asked for stories of God’s faithfulness, all I can describe is the many small ways that God has gotten us through each day. The rainbow, a check that came unexpectedly through the mail, a timely or convicting word that applied, a successful surgery. God’s faithfulness has just flooded my life, made up of thousands of tiny raindrops of His precious presence through everyday and in every situation.

I learned that God’s faithfulness to His promises was not dependent on how I was feeling; that He wasn’t going to vacillate with every doubt or discouragement. I learned that in our most painful times, we began to pray with a passion and listen far more intently to the voice of a living interactive God. The relationship that has developed with Him has been far more the answer than all of the gifts He has bestowed.”

I read this and it hit so close to home that I couldn’t have said it any better. God is so faithful and He goes far beyond answering our prayers and supplying our needs. He wants us to understand that HE HIMSELF is the answer that we need.

The last 4 words of the verse really sum it up “just as he promised”. There are no conditions, no doubts just a statement that God will do it. We may chafe, doubt and despair of any progress at all. We may get angry and give up. But God doesn’t change. He is faithful and He will complete His work in us. What is left for us to do? Simply place ourselves in God’s hands. Say to the Lord, “Lord here I am make me what you want me to be”. God is at work in your life and will not stop until the job is done. We will stand before him perfected,

I know this has been a little lengthy but I really needed to share this with all of you as it hit so close to home with me.

Thank you for your continued prayers, love and support.

God’s work in progress
Tina

Sunday, July 18, 2004 9:14 PM CDT

Hello everyone! I hope that everyone who is reading this had as good of a day as we had today. The one missing piece to the puzzle was Hayden. We miss you bunches!!!!!

I am going to use tonights journal just to tell you all about our day and how normal life can be. We got up this morning and and McGuire United Methodist Church had cooked breakfast which was great.

We were sitting around asking Stanton what he wanted to do, because today was all about him, and we look over and he is pulling hair out by the handful. This is not unusual about this time during a round but it seemed to be excessive. In fact so much that Stanton asked for a bag to put his hair in. Jeff decided that since it would all be falling out soon anyway that we should shave it. Stanton was all for the idea, I was not so fond of the idea. The boys won out so the shaving was on. When it was all said and done, Stanton was as cute as ever (He has the perfect shaped head to be bald). And as most of you know the men I love most in my life are "hair challenged" so I love bald. He looked in the mirror and wasn't to happy. I think he got used to it but he spent a long time this evening watering his hair so it would grow back.

After all of this we asked Stanton what he wanted to do and he wanted to throw rocks in the water at Shelby Farms. I do not know why he loves to throw rocks but it is his favorite thing in the world. So we spent the afternoon at Shelby Farms throwing rocks in the water. The weather was beautiful and I loved watching Stanton trying to figure out when he had to have a hat on and when he didn't, he didn't want his head to burn. He played on the playground and just had a great afternoon.

For supper we went out with his favorite, Mrs. Sarah. We love spending time with her. Mr. David was coming back from a fishing trip so he missed out on the adventure we called supper. Now that he is bald again people realize that he is sick and don't look at us so funny when he is acting up a little bit. So mom we don't need the sign anymore.

We are now trying to slow him down a bit and get him ready for bed. We have tried to explain to him that he is going to be in the hospital tomorrow but he doesn't really understand. So I am going to try to get things together just in case there is a bed available. Our prayers tonight are that there is a room available so we can get things started.

I will end with a verse I have found comfort in:

Job 23:10

But he knows every detail of what is happening to me; and when he has examined me, he will pronounce me completely innocent-as pure as solid gold.

Thank you all for your continued support and prayers. Please pray special prayers this week as Stanton will begin a round of pretty intense chemo.

Only by His Grace
Tina

Saturday, July 17, 2004 9:36 PM CDT

We have had a pretty good day today. Although it appears that God knew I needed a distraction so that is what I got at about 9:30 this morning. I won't go into details, but it ended up having us all laughing and everything worked out.

As I was getting dressed Jeff brought in a bouquet of flowers. Somebody else also thought I might need a pick me up today. Jamie-I can never tell you how much your love and continued support means to me. You love my children unconditionally and it shows. The flowers are beautiful and came at just the right time. I love you and thank you for reminding me to keep my head up and not worry about the little things.

We then had some special friends stop by for a visit. Keith and Audrey the visit was great. I don't think everyone realizes how homesick we get and how just seeing or hearing from someone back home helps. Thanks for all of your continued support.

Tonight we went to a Redbirds game compliments of Storage USA again. Once you have been in a suite nothing else is quite the same. We had a great time visiting with all of the other families and staff. Stanton actually ran up and hugged Rocky the Redbird (last time he wouldn't have anything to do with him). Thank you Storage USA for allowing us to use your suite.

I just got off of the phone with a great St. Jude friend (Carol I love you) which led me to my share with you thoughts for the night.

John 16:33

"I HAVE TOLD YOU ALL THIS SO THAT YOU WILL HAVE PEACE OF HEART AND MIND. HERE ON EARTH YOU WILL HAVE MANY TRIALS AND SORROWS; BUT CHEER UP, FOR I HAVE OVERCOME THE WORLD."

You can have a bad day now and then and get discouraged or depressed (which I think we all do) but you won't become a hostage to your emotions if you refuse to be controlled by your circumstances. No matter what is going on in your life, as long as you have God you have Hope. When we give our emotions to much control we miss out on his peace.

I think this is something I definately had trouble with this past week and a lesson that I needed to hear. I have no control over my circumstances at this moment but I do have control of my emotions. I am so thankful that because I know God I have hope. That thought is what gets me through many days.

"If you keep looking at your feelings, you are not going to be looking at God. If you don't look at God you won't be able to see what He is doing."
Tony Evans

Thanks again for your continued support and words of encouragement. You will never know how it has helped me through a very difficult week.

Keeping my eyes on Him
Tina

Friday, July 16, 2004 9:34 PM CDT

First of all I want I to thank all of you for all of the prayers prayed on our behalf last night and today. It was evident in the peace that I had today. I know there were many of you who were worried about me last night and I want you all to know that I am okay. Yesterday was a rough one for me but as usual through lots of prayers today was a much better one.

Last night I prayed that God would give Dr. Furman, Jeff and I the wisdom to make the right decision regarding Stanton's further treatment. He answered that prayer with a great peace today while meeting with the doctor. It just felt right. I think the doctor was even amazed I was as calm as I was. We have decided on the chemo combination called "ICE" and will hopefully be admitted to the hospital Monday (depending on bed availability). We know the side effects could be harsh but we just feel that this is what we have to do. Pray extra prayers that Stanton won't feel so bad and that he adjusts to being back in the hospital.

I listen to a lot of Christian music and I have a song that has really touched my life during this journey especially yesterday and today. It is called WALK BY FAITH by Jeremy Camp.

Will I believe you when you say
Your hand will guide my every way
Will I receive the wordsyou say
Every moment of every day.

I WILL WALK BY FAITH EVEN WHEN I CANNOT SEE
BECAUSE OF THIS BROKEN ROAD
PREPARES YOUR WILL FOR ME

Help me to rid my endless fears
You've been so faithful for all my years
With one breath you made me now
Your grace covers all I do.

I think the chorus of this song says a whole lot about our journey with cancer. We cannot see the end, nor can we see the reason but we continue to walk in God's faith and grace that he has promised us.

Hebrews 11:1

Faith means being sure of the things we hope for and knowing that something is real even if we do not see it.

I am so thankful for a God that offers me such grace and strength.

We will try to enjoy every moment of this last weekend of Stanton feeling good, it will be all about him, which leads me to a funny story I must share. As you can imagine it is very difficult to discipline a child who is sick and we don't do a very good job of it so we are trying to do better. So we decided since time out was not working and he does seem to be scared of a spanking although he has never had one that we would get a "sad spoon" (name compliments of Mary Claire). Basically it is a wooden spoon with a sad face drawn on it to pop his bottom with (in our case more for a scare tactic). The problem so far is that we gave Stanton one of the spare spoons that he drew his own sad face on and decided that when we didn't mind him he would use his sad spoon on us. Not exactly what we were going for. He also drew a happy face on the other side of his to hit us with when he was happy. I will update on how the "sad spoon" saga works out.

Thank you so much for all of your support. Please continue the prayers as we begin the next leg of our journey.

Walking By Faith
Tina

Thursday, July 15, 2004 7:45 PM CDT

I am going to begin this entry by reminding you that everything I write in this journal comes straight from my heart. Basically it is what you read is what you get. Know that this has been a difficult week and I feel the need to “empty” my heart a little bit.

We met with the doctors today about Stanton’s scans. The results are in, no change, no worse but no better either. Which of course leads to a crossroad.; where do we go from here? And the answer, we are not really sure. There are a couple of options none of which will be easy for Stanton. At this point it appears that we will go with a chemo combination called “ICE”. It is an inpatient chemo and will hit his bone marrow pretty hard. Dr. Furman just feels we are at a stand still and may need to move things on along. Nothing can happen until we get his bone marrow clear. He did mention that there were several possible donor matches for Stanton on the national registry, but that is kind of far down the road for me to worry about now. We will meet with Dr. Furman again in the morning with a final decision, so much prayer will be put in tonight for God’s help in choosing the right option. You really cannot begin to imagine the pressure of a parent being forced to make decisions that can ultimately affect rather their child lives or dies.

I have to admit, I did not take this news to well. I had gone into the appointment saying “stable” would be okay but in the end I know I wanted so much more. After the week that we have had I was so ready for some good news. I don’t want anyone to get me wrong. Our news was not bad, just not what we wanted. I also understand that at least we still have Stanton and at least we still have options to try, which is not the case for many parents. (A very hard lesson learned)

I continue to believe that God has a plan for us here in Memphis and while I had hoped maybe we had finished that purpose obviously this is not the case. I can say God and I have had several conversations today with me trying to understand (although I know I don’t have to understand) why this is the journey he has chosen for us, specifically Stanton. He is an amazing kid who will continue to endure more than any child should ever have to. Stanton-I will continue to apologize and want you to know that I wish I could make this all better for you. You are the best and I love you so much. I will continue to use Stanton’s story to glorify God and continue to teach him to do the same.

As usual when my days are not going as planned I headed for my Bible and my devotional books. The Grace for the Moment verse for yesterday (Zoie’s funeral) really touched my heart after all of my questions and of course I am going to share.

Jeremiah 1:5

Before I made you in your mothers wound, I chose you.

The title for the day is God’s signature. The devotional reminded me that “we are all a gift to the world, a divine work of art signed by God.” What makes us special is not our body but God’s signature on our lives. We are significant not because of what we do but because of whose we are.

I sat and thought about all of the kids I have met here at St. Jude as well as Stanton and was amazed at how clear God’s signature is on these children. They are all so special and each one has touched my heart in ways that no one or nothing else could. I look at Stanton and Emma Grace and their understanding of Zoie going home to be with Jesus and cannot believe how much they understand and how little they question. What could we learn from them? What have we already learned? I can tell you for me it is more than I could possible put into words. I only long for the faith of these children. Each of these children has an amazing story to tell. I encourage you to read some of the caring bridge pages for some of these amazing stories.

I know this entry has been a little bit rambly(???) but I had so much to share more for my benefit than anything.

Please pray specifically for Jeff and I and the strength and wisdom we need to make the right decision tomorrow. Thank you for your continued support.

Stanton has something he wants to say:noiouiifyrigyystsuwryt4yruioi90;u;jl/.,.,,,jfkkbjk,fkggjkldguflkkgugoiuoiuityuipoyoiuoooooooooitptyiyoiiiihhhhyltuuiiiiuiuiuuyyttytfyrghgfggfgdfgggggdggggggggggggggbbbbbbvvvvccccccccc444444444444444444444444

Proud to be signed by God
Tina

Wednesday, July 14, 2004 10:58 PM CDT

Okay everyone I am back and wanted to journal before I tried to get some sleep.

First of all Jeff, Hank and Stanton did well. I think Hank may have gotten some much needed quality time. Thank you Hank as you made it possible to be somewhere very important to me today.

Zoie's services were absolutley beautiful. I wish I could say I was a huge source of strength for Travis and Chastity but I was the farthest thing from strong. I know there are many people who were there and who are reading this just don't understand but many of you who have been in my shoes do. It was great to meet so many of Zoie's special friends who have also been praying for Stanton. To all of you-thank you and please keep the prayers coming. Mr. John and Mrs. Nicky-what special people you are. I was honored to meet you. I could never thank you all enough for all you have done for Travis and Chastity. I know they have said it many times, but we heard from them how much it meant.

After I had cried about all that I could and the actual service started, the Priest did such a great job you could almost feel Zoie's presence in the room. He made the service such an uplifting experience. He shared with everyone just a piece of what so many of us had grown to love about Zoie. She had more faith than any one person I have ever seen. After he finished I was so thankful that I had the opportunity to be there as it was part of the closure that I needed.

Travis and Chastity-I don't even know where to start. My heart aches for you so. I know today was a very tough day and I know there are many more to come. Please know that I am here for you day or night. You are not "like" family you are family. You will never know how much it meant today to be considered family. I felt privileged. Please take to heart what the priest said and keep Zoie's great story alive. She had so much to share in her short life and understood so much more than we did. She brought many people to Jesus and you both can too with her story. Today was definately a day fit for a princess. Chastity-I know you may not remember but there was a moment in the service when the prayer was for all of the other St. Jude children and you looked back at me. It is a moment that I will remember for the rest of my life. I love you guys and miss you so much.

Jane/Calvin-Thank you for allowing me to be a part of your family the last 2 years and today. I know it is going to be hard but the same offer stands as above. My ears are always open and I an only a phone call away.

Angel Zoie-Thank you for blessing my life in so many ways. You will forever live in my heart.

As for Stanton, he has more scans tomorrow and we will mee with the doctors to determine what next.

Thank you all again

Only By His Grace
Tina

Monday, July 12, 2004 8:56 PM CDT

Today has been one of those days filled with many emotions. First of all there is this emptiness here at the “Donald” House as well as the hospital. Our day at the hospital was short and sweet which was for the best. I really just needed some down time.

I will be leaving tomorrow afternoon to go to Lafayette to the funeral on Wed. and driving back Wed.night. Stanton has to be sedated Wed. so one of us needed to be here with him. Hank is coming to stay with Jeff so he won’t be by himself. Thank you Hank, this will make it easier for me not to worry about them. Therefore, I will not be journaling tomorrow so tonights will be long enough to make up for it.

Camp started at the Ronald McDonald House today. The kids have a blast. Today they made wooden tool boxes which were cute but also meant there were several kids hammering all at one time. This will be going on all week.

I had written my journal in my head all day based on some anger that I had. I had received a call from a very special friend who was hurting very unnecessarily. My heart ached for this friend (who I won’t name but you know who you are) all day. The whole conversation stemmed around people judging you as a cancer child parent and how you are handling a very difficult situation. I got something in the mail today which really changed my thoughts for the day so lucky for all of you I am not going to let you hear all of my anger. I will say this; you cannot say how you would react in any situation until you are placed in that situation. What works for one person might not work for another and we are not on this earth to judge each other. I would never wish my walking shoes on anyone and I cannot imagine someone judging the decisions I have made.

Okay, so enough of that. I talked to the same friend later on in the day and feel much better for her. Then the mail arrived and there was a letter for me from a very special person that I work with. Kae-I cannot believe you kept this email, much less could even find it. It came at just the right time and touched my heart just like it must have the first time around.

I receive emails that are forwarded to me all the time and when I work I read as many as possible but rarely take the time to send them on. Kae sent me an email that I had forwarded to her in April of 2002 (Boy how things have changed since then). Of course I read it and cried as my emotions are way out of whack but then I decided that this would be the message I would share on my journal tonight. It is a little lengthy but worth it (and don’t forget I won’t be writing tomorrow)

Just PUSH!

A man was sleeping at night in his cabin when suddenly his room filled with light, and God appeared. The Lord told the man he had work for him to do, and showed him a large rock in front of his cabin. The Lord explained that the man was to push against the rock with all of his might. So, this the man did, day after day. For many weeks he toiled from sun up to sun down; his shoulders set squarely against the cold, massive surface of the unmoving rock, pushing with all of his might. Each night the man returned to his cabin sore and worn out, feeling that his whole day had been spent in vain.

Since the man was showing discouragement, the Adversary (Satan) decided to enter the picture by placing thoughts into his weary mind: “You have been pushing against that rock for a long time, and it hasn’t moved.” Thus giving the man the impression that the task was impossible and that he was a failure.

These thoughts discouraged and disheartened the man. “Why kill myself over this?” he thought. “I’ll just put in my time, giving just the minimum effort; and that will be good enough.” And that is what he planned to do until one day he decided to make it a matter of prayer and take his troubled thoughts to the Lord. “Lord”, he said. “I have labored long and hard in your service, putting all my strength to that which you have asked. Yet, after all of this time, I have not even budged that rock by half a millimeter. What is wrong? Why am I failing?”

The Lord responded compassionately, “My son, when I asked you to serve Me and you accepted, I told you that your task was to push against the rock with all of your strength, which you have done. Never once did I mention to you that I expected you to move it. Your task was to push. And now you come to me with your strength spent, thinking that you have failed. But, is that really so? Look at yourself. Your arms and strong and muscled, your back sinewy and brown, your hands are callused from constant pressure, and your legs have become massive and hard. Through opposition you have grown much, and your abilities now surpass that which you used to have. Yet you haven’t moved the rock. But your calling was to be obedient and to push and exercise your faith and to trust in My wisdom. This you have done. Now I, my son, will move the rock.”

At times, when we hear a word from God, we tend to use our own intellect to decipher what He wants, when actually what God wants is just simple obedience and faith in Him. By all means, exercise the faith that moves mountains, but know that it is still God who moves those mountains.

When everything seems to go wrong …….just P.U.S.H.!
When the job gets you down ……………..just P.U.S.H!
When people don’t act the way you think they should ……..just P.U.S.H!
When your money is gone and the bills are due……..just P.U.S.H!
When people don’t understand you ……..just P.U.S.H!

P=Pray U=Until S=Something H=Happens

May the Lord bless you in everything you do. Be tender to the young…Compassionate to the aged…..Tolerant to the weak….. For in your life you will be all of these.

Author UnKnown

This has been so long I won’t elaborate but I hope you can understand why I chose to put this out there over my angry story. I know Satan moves in during our weakest moments trying to catch us off guard. I know these past 2 weeks I have had many weak moments but I REFUSE to let Satan win.

Thank you all for your continued support. Please say special prayers for safe travel for me and Hank, clean scans for Stanton, strength for Jeff while I am gone and for all of the children still fighting this beast, as well as for the families who have lost children to the beast.

Remembering to PUSH
Tina

Sunday, July 11, 2004 8:44 PM CDT

As you can guess today had been another difficult one for all of us. Jeff was up early helping Travis and Chastity load the car. We got a little alone time with the two of them and I know leaving was a very difficult thing for them to do. We will miss them terribly. I also know that when they got home it all became real again and I can't even begin to imagine how they feel. I know for us today just knowing they weren't here was difficult.

Stanton was very cautious to ask questions but when he did he was so sweet. He knew there was something wrong but when he finally asked why Travis and Chastity were going home, he said "They don't need to go to The Jude's anymore". He went to their room and not once even asked about where Zoie was which was very unusual. When we got back to our room he said "Zoie doesn't have to go the The Jude's because she feels all better now". I guess he understands more than we know. We explained that Zoie went to be with Jesus and he seemed to be okay.

Hayden is still having a pretty hard time. Zoie was so special to him.

I have been so down today and really needed a pick me up and before I say this I don't want to offend anyone because I know I have many friends who love and care for me dearly. I also have so many St. Jude families that have surrounded us during this time but sometimes you need to hear from someone who lives a "normal life" with "normal problems". I had just gotten off fo the phone with Trish who you all know I love more than anything and is my backbone so many days and I just needed something or someone. I kneeled to pray for strength to just keep going and my cell phone rang. Joyce-you will never know how much your phone call meant to me today. If nothing else it was an answer to my prayer. A link from home letting me know you were there. To hear you say you are proud of me means the world to me. You will always hold a special place in my heart.

I also forgot to mention that Mom, Jamie and the crew went home today which is never easy but especially after a weekend like this.

As ususal I turned to my Bible and book, "The God you can Trust" and picked up where I left off and as usual God had everything taken care of. There comes a time when I feel like the burden may just be to much. Someone told me this week that my shoulders are only so big, but for those of you who know me I tend to think they are bigger than they are. So I opened my chapter and I was in the middle of "His Faithfullness to Finish His Work in You"

This chapter has a section on God equipping us to do His will. The verse is Hebrews 13:20-21

And now may the God of peace, who brought again from the dead our Lord Jesus, equip you with all you need for doing his will. May he who became the great Shepherd of the sheep by an everlasting agreement between God and you, signed with his blood, produce in you through the power of CHrist all that is pleasing to him. To him be glory forever and ever. Amen.

God will never call on us to do something that he does not equip us to do. This week will be filled with many challenges from the small to the huge. One thing you can be sure of that is no matter how rough the road ahead is God is already mending the path and arming you for battle. You don't even have to ask him, He assures you that he will never give you a task without giving you what you need to do the job, whatever those tools may be (courage, strength, wisdom, etc.)

Most often during a difficult situation we as God to change our situation. This may or may not be God's will. The situation may be a means of deepening our total dependence on Him. Maybe our prayer should be "Lord give me the tools to face this situation".

I know I shared with you all our purpose was so clear this last week. One thing I am still sure of is God is still not finished with us yet. There is another purpose waiting on us. It is my job to find it.

Stanton will continue radiation this week as well as start his follow-up scans to start chemo. Please pray for these scans to continue to show imporvement.

Thank you again for all your love and support for us as well as Zoie's family. We love you all!

Only by His Strength
Tina

Saturday, July 10, 2004 10:49 PM CDT

I am not sure how to update today as I just don't know that I can find the right words. Which means as most of you know I will ramble so please bear with me.

For those of you who don't know our precious friend Zoie earned her angel wings at 11:10 this morning. She died peacefully surrounded by family and friends. This little girl touched so many lives in her 4 years here on earth. She fought a long hard battle, but her purpose on earth was finished and she is now dancing in heaven with her ballet shoes on. I know she was greeted at the gates by all of her St. Jude friends who were waiting on her. Angel Zoie-we love you so much. There will always be a special part of my heart that belongs to you. Travis/Chastity-you know we love you and wish we could take away the pain. We will be here for you no matter what and will always consider you part of our family.

To Sherry/House Manager-You were amazing today in the strength that you offered to all of us. We have been blessed to live here and become part of such a family. I continued to be amazed at St. Jude and the Ronald McDonald House and all that they do to support us families. Thank you all!

This also hits so close to home because Zoie had the same diagnosis as Stanton. Although their journeys were much different it is so hard not to compare. Stanton was on a tear at supper and I was just fussing at him and had to just stop and try to regroup. At least I had Stanton to fuss at. This is something that many St. Jude families would love the opportunity to do again. It is not something I will ever take for granted. Please Please if you have children, love them every minute and tell them so.

Life at the Ronald McDonald House will be so much different for us now. We will have to learn how to keep going and how to explain to Stanton that Zoie is not down the hall. We will miss this family more than I can say.

Mom, Jamie and the girls were in this weekend. Another sign of God at work. They had taken all of the kids to play about 10 minutes before Zoie passed away. We couldn't have done it with Stanton here, or it would have been much more difficult. So to Mom and Jamie-I know this weekend is not what we had planned but you were sent here for a reason and I couldn't have done it without you. I know I wasn't much company but thank you for bearing with me and just being here for me. I love you both more than you'll ever know. Mary Claire-Thank you for my special "Tina Time" last night. I needed it much more than you did. I agree with what you said tonight. When you go home and I have to stay in Memphis I am going to miss you so much. I love you more than my arms can reach!

My Grace for the Moment Devotional for today is "The Purpose of Life" and the verse is Matthew 22:37

Love the Lord your God with all your heart, all your soul, and all your mind.

God has laid part of my purpose in life in front of me this week in black and white. I was in Memphis to be here for Travis and Chastity. I am honored that God felt I was worthy of this challenge.

Please continue to pray for Travis and Chastity as they travel home tomorrow to begin their new life together without Princess Zoie although I know she will be with them always.

Please also continue to keep Stanton, Emma Grace and all of his other St. Jude friends as they contiue fight this nasty beast.

Hoping to Fulfill my Purpose
Tina

Friday, July 9, 2004 9:55 PM CDT

Saturday July 10

It is through many tears that I tell you that Princess Zoie earned her angel wings at about 11:10 this morning. Please pray for peace for this special family.

I want to start this journal by thanking the many people who stop by and check on us and for those that leave a note in the guestbook. I cannot tell you how much strength and love I have felt from all of the entries. As you all know this week(s) have been difficult and to know that we have the support of so many means so much. I also don't want to take any credit for any of the help or support I have given Travis and Chastity. I give all of that credit to God and the strength and courage he has given me. I guess that will be my message for tonight, nothing that we do is possible without Him and He should get all of the glory.

Stanton had another good day. Things went pretty smoothly and his NeNe got to see his "spiderman" mask. He continues to amaze everyone that he is doing this radiation without sedation. He is so AWESOME! We spent the afternoon playing at the "Donald" house. Geofery the girrafe from Toys'R'Us came and donated a lot of new games for the game closet at the house and the kids had a blast. Of course as all of you who know me know that I am a take charge kind of person so I ended up in the floor with a microphone on with a TV camera going playing Candyland. (I hope the edit the part where Stanton accused me of cheating). And as all of you know that is not a place I like to be, but there a couple of charities that I will do anything for one being St. Jude's and the other being the Ronald McDonald House. I can't imagine our life the last year and a half without either of these charities. I of course forgot to watch the news but we heard that Stanton and I were on there playing Candyland and Jeff was on playing Operation (aren't we glad that is just a game).

Travis and Chasitity continue to hang in there. Zoie is sleeping most of the time. She does not appear to be in a great deal of pain. I know they also look forward to reading the guestbook entries. Thank you all for the support of a family that you don't even know. That goes for all of you who keep up with us, I wish I could meet each and every one of you. You all are so special to keep us in your prayers and thoughts. It does not go unnoticed and is so appreciated. I know God hears each and every prayer.

My Bible verse for the night is Psalms 89:13

You have a strong arm; Your hand is mighty, Your right hand is exhalted.

Thank you all again! We love you!

In God's Hand
Tina

Thursday, July 8, 2004 10:44 PM CDT

I have once again procrastinated on this journal entry just not sure what I can say. After I read Trish's entry I could just refer everyone to her page (www.caringbridg.org/ar/emmagrace) as her entry today was awesome and I am sure I can't top it.

Stanton had another good day topped by the arrival of Mary Claire, Elynn Kate, Nene and Granma. I really needed Mary Claire more than he did. She continues to amaze me with the unconditional love of a child. She didn't understand how sick Zoie was but she talked to her so sweet and asked if she could give her a kiss.

I have done pretty good today as far as being strong got Travis and Chastity. Although tonight I just had to come back to the room for my meltdown. I was watching as Stanton and a couple of other children played while Zoie lay in a chair comfortable from the pain medicine. Chastity was in the floor playing with our children. I know it sounds crazy but I feel a sense of guilt that Stanton is doing so well. They by no means have made me feel this way, in fact it has been just the opposite. They are determined that we will never have to be in their shoes. I am sure I could not handle it as well as they have.

I went to get ready for my quiet time and Hayden gave me a few verses that he had read during his time. (He is having a very difficult time as he was very close to Zoie and she continues to ask for him to hold her). Then I checked my email and got my Purpose Driven Life Devotional for the day so I have a couple of things I want to share with you and I have to say Hayden was right on the money as his verses were from 2 Corinthins 1:3-11 and the other was from 2 Corinthians 2:14-17.

I want to quote verse 3 and 4:

What a wonderful God we have-he is the Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, the source of every mercy, and the one who so wonderfully comforts and strengthens us in our hardships and trials. And why does he do this? So that when others are troubled, needing our sympathy and encouragement, we can pass on to them this same help and comfort that God has given us.

The chapter goes on to day that the more sufferings we undergo the more God will shower us with his comfort and this will help us to offer the same comfort to others goinf through trials.

Boy has he lived out this verse in my life the past year. I continue to look to God for my comfort and strength for each day not only for me, but for that strength to shine through to those around me which leads me to the next
Chapter.

Verse 14

But thanks be to God! For through what Christ has done, he has triumphed over us so that now wherever we go he uses us to tell others about the Lord and to spread the gospel like a sweet perfume.

I really liked what the email devotional said so I thought I would quote it rather than try to put it into my own words:
That means nothing can stop us because nothing can stop God’s work in our lives. It would be great today if when people ask how I am, I could say, even if it’s just to myself, “I’m on a mission,” because I am. I’m on a mission to love God today with all my heart, and let that love reflect in all I do. I’m on a mission to look for opportunities to give a reason for the hope I have in Christ. I’m on a mission to tell my story to anyone who wants to hear it. I’m on a mission to manifest the fragrance of the knowledge of Christ wherever I go. All this can happen regardless of the circumstances in my life. I don’t get to muddle through anything.

What a powerful devotional this was for me as I have felt like I have muddled through the last few days. My prayer for me is that I will have the attitude listed above and that people will see Christ shine through me.

Please continue to pray for little Zoie and her family. Also for Stanton, although he is doing great this is a loss that is going to effect him greatly. I think i ways that we won't understand. Pray for Hayden as well as this has been a tough week for him. When he comes home next week he will need extra love and support.

I cannot thank you all enough for the love, prayers and support. We love you all!

Letting His Light Shine Through
Tina

Wednesday, July 7, 2004 10:15 PM CDT

This is an entry that I have put off writing mostly for the lack of words (yes, I am having trouble coming up with words).

First of all Stanton is still doing well. He has finished his 2nd day of raditaion and wouldn't even let Jeff or I go back to the room with him. He wanted his "bubba" to go so "bubba" it was.

Jamie, Mom, Mary Claire, and Elynn Kate are coming up tomorrow for the weekend. I don't know who needs who more Mary Claire needing me or me needing her. She can always put a smile on my face.

Now to the part of the journal in which you are going to get straight from the bottom of my heart. You all have read about Zoie and her family on my journals. They are so much a part of our family and we grow closer each day. Today they met with the doctors and got the news that no parent ever wants to hear. There is nothing more we can do but make her comfortable. The doctor said that she had aout 2 weeks. I guess we were all kind of expecting this news but to hear it really sets the reality in. As a child with cancer, especially one like neuroblastoma these are words that you dread from the very first day of diagnosis. This has been so difficult on me as I love Zoie like she is my own child, but I guess I read so much more into it in that at any day this could be Jeff and I in the same situation. I am there for Travis and Chastity and to some point can understand their pain, but there is a part of that pain that I can only hope and pray that I don't have to experience. I will just continue to keep them in my prayers and try to be strong for them.

As each child is different I also have to keep part of my focus on Stanton and his healing process. I am good at reminding people to take it one day at a time but am guilty of trying to look to far ahead most of the time. I remind Chastity and Travis daily just to take it a day at a time and love on Zoie as much as possible. This goes for any parent. Take one day at a time and love your children as much as possible.

I was devestated when Stanton relapsed. I couldn't imagine what more God could have in store for me. I now can not only imagine it, I live it each day. I was put here to be a support system for this precious family and am so glad to be able to be here for them. Guys-we love you all like you are or family. Mamaw monkey, you are just stuck with us. There will always be a bond between us that cannot be broken.

I am going to stop now, mainly because the pain of it all is just too much right now, but I want to end with a verse that is one I look to often as a reminder to slow down and let God do his work in his own time and his own place and his own way.

Matthew 6:34

So don't be anxious about tomorrow. God will take care of your tomorrow too. Live on day at a time.

Taking it One Day at a Time
Tina

Tuesday, July 6, 2004 10:03 PM CDT

Stanton had a good day today. His first day of radiation went very well and was very quick. He amazes me daily at the trials that he endures and does them with a smile and no complaints (a little bossy but what do we expect, he is his mothers child).

Today has been a difficult one for me so I am going to vent a little bit. When Stanton replapsed, I had so many questions for God. I went through all of the emotions and hid none of them from him. When I was mad I told him I was mad, when I was happy I told him I was happy, and when I didn't understand I asked questions. I know that we don't always get the answers that we want or even realize when God answers our questions, and that that there are questions that we won't have answers to until we face God and ask him ourselves. I can say that when you see the answers clearly the journey is a little easier. When Stanton was diagnosed last year, God answered so many of my questions in black and white, he left no room for me to guess what he was saying. It was almost like he was standing in front of me saying "this is what I want you to do, or this is why this happened". I can't say that this time the answers have been so clear. I am a much stronger Christian so maybe he wants me to look a little deeper for the answers which is what I continue to do and I am growing each day.

One of the answers to my question has clearly been answered this past few weeks. As you all know Zoie has not been doing well. We have been here from the beginning of her relapse journey. We have watched her get sicker and sicker. More than anything we have been here for Travis and Chastity and Jane. I can't offer much, but I can offer all the love, support and prayers that I have. I know if I was in their shoes I could not imagine being here without friends here to support me. Although I can't understand exactly what they are going through I can feel their pain. I watch Zoie and can't help but think that at any given moment we could be going through the same thing making the same decisions. I know they would be here for me as well. There have been many tears shed today as Zoie continues to get worse and as reality sets in. I know why God has us here. We are clearly here to support Travis and Chastity for anything they need. This has been one of the hardest things I have ever had to face, but once again I have grown through the trial and the trial is not yet over.

Travis and Chastity meed with their doctor tomorrow. He has requested that Zoie not be with them. They are not expecting any good news. Stanton will be getting chemo and I wiil be in the clinic waiting on them to finish just to offer support. Again, I am sure he is going to be asking for decisions for them that will be very difficult to make. I ask for everyone to pray for their strength as they make these decisions. Chastity told me today that her prayers now are centered around Zoie not suffering.

Again, I know it is hard for everyone to understand the bond between St. Jude families but just know that it is one that will never be broken.

One verse I have turned to tonight is found in Matthew 18:1-4

At that time the disicples came to Jesus and asked, "Who is the greates in the kingdom of heaven?" He called a little child and had him stand among them. And he said "I tell you the truth, unless you change and become like little children, you will never enter the kingdom of heaven. Therefore, whoever humbles himself like this child is the greatest in the kingdom of heaven."

Thank you all for your continued love, support and prayers for Stanton as well as Zoie. They are enjoying hearing from all of you. We love you all!

Understanding part of the journey
Tina

Monday, July 5, 2004 9:36 PM CDT

Today was a good day for Stanton. He had his chemo this morning and the rest of the day to play. He isn't eating much which just means his tummy isn't feeling so well. He is still enjoying his bubba being here.

We got to spend a lot of quality time with Zoie today. She will tell you Hayden is her boyfriend so she has been waiting on him to come. She actually smiled when she saw him. All she wanted was for him to hold her, so when she got back from the hospital they went and picked out a movie and she and Hayden sat on the couch and watched a movie. She actually got out of her stroller and walked to him which is a big accomplishment. Stanton of course did not understand all of this so he got his blanket and laid on the other side of Hayden. I got some great pictures. She just wanted to stay with Hayden so even when she got uncomfortable she wanted to come back to our room which of course we let her do. I just laid beside her and watched her sleep. Zoie-you are an absoutley prescious little girl and we all love you so much. I am so sorry that you are having to endure so much pain.

We also got a surprise from a very special person from Montgomery, Alabama (Vicki Price). She stopped by the RMH yesterday and I hate we weren't here to meet her in person. She brought each of my babies (Stanton, Emma Grace, and Zoie) Montgomery Biscuits Baseball Shirts. For those of you who know Stanton you know that he calls his bottom "biscuits" (thanks to Aunt Jamie) and everyone from St. Jude loved it so many children now have "biscuits" including Zoie and Emma Grace. You should see them all shake their "biscuits" So needless to say the shirts brought a much needed smile to my face. So to Vicki-I hate we didn't get to meet you. I do know one thing for certain is that you are a very special person to go out of your way to make the day of a complete stranger and her child/children. Know that smiles haven't come easily the last few days and you are responsible for one of them. Thank you from the bottom of my heart. Please continue praying for these kids and spreading the word to everyone you know.

My special prayer request for tonight is for Travis and Chastity (Zoie's mom and dad). They are enduring the unimaginable. They are both being so strong. Chastity is not feeling well which is just adding to the misery. These are 2 very special people in our lives and we hurt when they hurt. Pray for guidance for them as they make some very difficult decisions this week.

Thank all of you who continue to check on us. We truly couldn't make it through each day without the prayers and support of everyone from family, to friends, to complete stangers who have welcomed us into their families. We love you all.

Only by His Strength
Tina

Sunday, July 4, 2004 10:17 PM CDT

Happy Fourth of July to everyone. We once again are spending this holiday in Memphis under a little differecnt circumstances. Last year we tried to watch the fireworks from the 4th floor hospital room.

Mom and Dad came over again today and played. We had a great weekend as usual when they come up. Jeff and I actually get a little much needed down time. Mom and Dad-I know I have said thanks a million times but I will say it once again. All that you do for us does not go unnoticed by Jeff, Stanton or I. I really look forward to our 4th of July barbecue on the farm next year. I love you so much!

Hayden got here safe and sound and Stanton is enjoying every minute of him.

We went to a Redbird game tonight with Mrs. Sarah and Mr. David. As you all know Mrs. Sarah is one of our very favorite people in the entire world. One of those special blessings from our journey. Stanton wasn't really into the ballgame, but the fireworks were great. It was one of those memories etched into my mind, David, Sarah and Stanton were laying on the blanket watching the fireworks. He was grinning from ear to ear. Thank you guys for tonight. You made this holiday special for us. We love you guys!

As I sat there and watched Stanton's expression I couldn't help but be a little emotional. I am so thankful for each day that we get to spend with Stanton and for memories that we get to make. I thought of all of the children battling the beast called "cancer" and their parents. How many are making memories for the last time? How many only have memories? Boy this disease is nasty and I hate I have to be in the battle, but am thankful for each day.

Once again I remind you not to take each day for granted. Tell the ones that you love you love them. There are no guarantees for a tomorrow for any of us. Hug your children and thank God for all your blessings.

Only By His Grace
Tina

Saturday, July 3, 2004 9:10 PM CDT

Today has been a good day. Stanton's counts came back up to 500 which means he doesn't have to wear a mask which made him very happy. We were just very cautious and kept his hands very clean. He spent all day with Granma and Weinie. They did whatever he wanted to do which of course was right up his alley. He is now kicked back on the bed watching Where the Red Fern Grows (yes Scotty that should make you proud).

Hayden will be coming tomorrow which is going to be a great surprise for Stanton as well as a little pain reliever from Granma and Weinie going home. He hasn't wanted them to go back to their hotel room either night, in fact he went with them last night and Jeff went and picked him up. It will feel good to have my family together if only for a short time, but it will do Stanton a world of good to see his bubba.

My quiet time today led me to two different chapters in the Bible and I had to really try hard to decide which one to share with you first. I chose Psalms Chapter 139. I have mentioned the words to a song in a previous entry that is one of my most favorite songs, Who Am I. This chapter is where this song comes from. This chapter talks about how God knows our everything about us. He knows what is in our heart, he knows our path before we go down it. He has been where we are going and will be there when we are gone. How awesome it is to know that there is no where that I can go that God won't be there. It is also amazing to know that God thinks of me constantly. I pray and talk to God several times a day but I am certain that I don't think of him even close to as much as he thinks of me. The last 2 verses are the ones I will quote:

Psalms 139:23-24

Search me, O God, and know my heart; test my thoughts. Point out anything you find in me that makes you sad, and lead me along the path of everlasting life.

This week has been a difficult one for various reasons. Although we had a great time with friends we haven't seen in a while our hearts are still breaking for Travis and Chastity. Please contine to lift this precious family up in prayer.

Thank you all again for your continued support.

Only by His Grace
Tina

Mrs. Kistner-Stanton loved the spiderman airplane. Spiderman is his newest thing because he gets to wear a mask in radiation that we call a "spiderman mask". Not to mention one day he told Jeff "Airplanes make me so happy". You couldn't have sent a better surprise. Thank you for the book as well, I am sure you will see me journal from it.

Friday, July 2, 2004 8:09 PM CDT

I am not even sure where to start. First of all Stanton is doing good. We met with radiation today and he is set to get started on Tuesday.

Words are so hard at this moment as they have been most of the day. Zoie (www.caringbridge.org/la/zoie), who all of you know is a very dear friend (really so much more than that) of ours and fighting the same disease as Stanton got the news today that so may of us parents fear but hope we never hear. Her disease is progressing rapidly in her liver. The doctors are not talking cure but time. Travis and Chastity have decisions to make that no parent should ever have to make for their child. This family has been part of our St. Jude family from our very first days at St. Jude. I can’t express the feelings that we have for them that many people would understand. We have all been through so much together. We were there for them today as we always have been and always will be, trying to be strong while breaking on the inside. Zoie is such a fighter and will give this disease the fight of its life. Travis and Chastity-I wish I had words for you that you haven’t heard that could offer some comfort. We love you like a brother and sister and are here for you any time day or night. Zoie-What can I say except I love you so much and am so sorry for the pain you are having to endure. You have touched my life in a way that no one else could. Please just keep Zoie and her parents in your prayers as I can’t imagine that the days will get any easier. Pray for strength for them to make the right decisions for Zoie.

After the day I have had I thought I would share from the book I am reading “The God You Can Trust, Strength For the Times When It Is Hard to Believe”. It is taking me a little time to read this book because there is so much I want to know more about, so I not only read the book but the scriptures from the Bible that it references. Faith is one of the main topics of the book and one of my favorite subjects as most of you know from my previous posts. This one chapter talks about the stages of faith. I will not go into each of them but straight to the end of the chapter called Achieving What We’ve Wanted. This reminded me that it is not about what we want. Jesus continually puts us in places we don’t want to go and makes us face things we don’t want to face in order to achieve in us what we always wanted but didn’t know how to find. This is a blessing that no one wants but everyone needs if their faith is to grow and mature. If a desperate circumstance brings you to Jesus then that circumstance is a gift from God.

I have definitely been in places I didn’t want to be in this year facing things I didn’t want to face (In fact I am still in these places) but I am so thankful to have known Jesus from the beginning of our journey. It wasn’t a matter of me getting to know him but maybe getting reacquainted. Since Stanton’s illness my relationship with God has changed. I am walking a lot closer to him sometimes so close that he is carrying me. It is hard to see Stanton’s illness as a blessing, but it has changed my life forever. I am thankful to have been here for Travis, Chastity and Zoie. I am thankful for all of the dear friends that we have met who have become part of our family. Please don’t get me wrong, I hate this dreaded disease but I have come to understand that from this journey has come many good things.

If you get a minute please stop by and sign Zoie’s guestbook. I know you may not know what to say but just letting them know you are praying for them means so much. As a parent, you get great strength from reading the entries from people all over the world.

Again, thank you for your continued prayer and support. You will never know how much it means.

In His Arms
Tina

Thursday, July 1, 2004 9:08 PM CDT

Todays entry will be short and sweet as I have a terrible headache.

Stanton had day 4 of chemo today. We also met with the eye doctor. His eye looks so much better than it did Monday morning. There is still some swelling but just a little bruise. The eye doctor said his vision was stable at this time. Although his right eye vision is a little worse than the left. He was glad to hear that he would be getting radiation soon.

Barney, Trish and Emma Grace went home today. We tried not to make a real big deal to keep "Stanley" and "Ellie Mae" under wraps. We have had a great week and will miss them dearly.

Mom and Dad are coming up tomorrow for the weekend so Stanton is excited about that. Please pray for safe travel for them and for plenty of energy as Stanton already has them a calendar lined up.

Thanks you for the continued support and prayers.

Only By His Grace
Tina

Wednesday, June 30, 2004 10:37 PM CDT

Can many of you remember where you were and what you were doing this day last year? Well for me it was a day that will be etched into my memory forever. You see, one year ago today we were on the fourth floor of St. Jude anxiously awaiting Stanton’s stem cell transplant. It was a day that we had anticipated for months. It was also a point where we could begin to see the light at the end of the tunnel. The actual transplant took less than 5 minutes and was done by a nurse practitioner. I can remember Stanton sitting in my lap, which was unusual because he is a daddy’s boy. I even remember Joyce calling in the middle of the transplant to tell us that she had seen us on Good Morning America.

Am I where I had hoped to be one year later? Not exactly. I had hoped that we would still be in remission having a simple life at home. Obviously this is one of those times when God’s hopes and plans were a little different than mine.

As I look back over the first leg of our journey I would be lying if I said I am glad that we have gone through what we have, but I can see so many positive things that have come from it (my biggest regret is that Stanton is the one that is sick, I would love to take his place). I am most definitely a different person than I was on January 1, 2003. I am sure that God has used this trial to mold me into the person He wanted me to be and the person I am today.

Now that we have begun the second leg of our journey I am happy to say that I don’t think God has as much work to do on me as he did the first time. I never went back to the person that I was before. I continued my walk with him as close as ever. I continue to count my blessings on a daily basis choosing not to focus all of my attention on the trials. I do believe that because of the person that He made me that my work here at St. Jude is just not over yet. There is obviously some unfinished business he has for us at St. Jude and the Ronald McDonald House. Stanton continues to touch people in ways that nobody else could. I continue to meet new families and get strength from them while hoping to offer a little strength and encouragement to them. We continue to remain close friends with many of our St. Jude friends and have also been able to be there for the support that they need. They have also been a huge support system for us.

My hope for this journey is that God will continue to work miracles in Stanton’s life. While also understanding that it is God’s will I am praying for. I pray that he will continue to touch me in ways that other people might see Him in me and in ways that he wouldn’t have been able to touch me without the trials.

I want to close with a Bible verse that Brother Wayne told me the night we were diagnosed. I have continued to refer back to this verse often:

Isaiah 41:10

Fear not for I am your God. Do not be dismayed. I am your God. I will strengthen you; I will help you; I will uphold you with my victorious right hand.

This is a promise from God that I have felt on a daily basis.

Thank you for you continued love, prayers and support!

Only By His Grace
Tina

Special Prayer Request: Zoie is not doing very well. Her tummy is continuing to swell and their treatment options are very limited. She will be undergoing scans tomorrow and have some ideas by Friday morning. I cannot express how much this child and her family mean to us. They need continued prayer for healing and guidance of the doctors. Also prayer for strength for Travis and Chastity as they are being forced to make decisions no parent should ever have to make.

Tuesday, June 29, 2004 9:44 PM CDT

Today was a good day. We started out the day with chemo. We also found out that Stanton would be starting radiation next Tuesday. We are happy/scared about this step. We want to be very aggresive with this tumor but we also are aware of the possible side effects.

Tonight we had several families come over and Barney grilled for us. Supper was great but didn't come close to the company. As Lynn (Ben's mom) said tonight, we are a family that truly understands what each other are going through. We have been blessed to be surrounded by a wonderful extended St. Jude family. Trish/Barney-We love you guys more than you know. Carol/Tori-you have been there no matter what. You have grown into such a stronger person than when I met you. We love you guys. Barry/Lynn-you said it perfectly tonight. We are a big family. Thanks for coming to supper with us. Kelly/Baily-We haven't known you long but keep up with you through our mutual friends. We will keep the prayers coming.

For all of those of you who check on our St. Jude friends I will give a short update on a few of them:

Zoie-She needs our prayers now more than ever. The tumor in her liver is growing and she is in a great deal of pain. They are waiting on her counts to recover so that she can start some typr of chemo.

Emma Grace-She is in Memphis this week for tests getting ready to go to Philadelphia at the end of July for a new treatment. She feels great.

Ben-The spot on his arm appears to have gotten larger. He has just started a new phase I drug study very similar to Stanton.

I got an email today from someone who said when they talked about Faith they talked about Jeff and I. I am so glad that we are able to share our faith with you but not as happy as the fact that we serve a God that is worthy of our faith. Faith is not something to take lightly. I also don't think it is something you decide to have and then just say that is it I have faith. It is something that I work on on a daily basis. I talk to God often each day about a little bit of everything. No decision is made until I have asked God. There are times when I worry, which is part of being a mom, it is then when I have to be reminded that God is in control and I just have to it back and wait on him. I have been reading in John 4:46-54 about a father and his son and the father's growing faith. I believe in times of trouble we run crying to the Lord for help. We look for immediate answers, in some cases miracles. When these don't come we begin to feel like the Lord is not listening or that he has forgotten us. When we look back we can see that the Lord was with us all of the time. Our prayers were answered in ways, many of which we didn't expect. When it comes to God and his work in our life we in the end may look back on something we prayed for and realize that God gave us something much greater than we asked for. We are reminded that His ways are not our ways. Once we bring our problems to Him we must then go on our way and trust Him to do what He does best. This I guess would be faith.

Thank you all who continue to lift us up in prayer. Your support means so much.

Only By His Grace
Tina

Monday, June 28, 2004 10:00 PM CDT

Where do I even start. Today has been one of those days. As I said last night, Jeff and I were both a little worried about what was going on with his eye. With this life nothing is ever simple and every little thing will cause us to stop and wonder if this disease is continuing to spread. We met with Dr. Furman today who agreed that his eye looked more swollen than usual and there was some bruising but nothing worse than last week. The answers, well not many. The bruising could either be the tumor dying or the tumor growing. The swelling could be because he has been off of chemo for so long or because the tumor is becoming resistant to this chemo. How about that for answers. The one thing Dr. Furman did say that all the tests still indicate that the chemo is working and the tumor is dying. He still doesn't want to take any chances so we started chemo today and will probably add radiation to the schedule as soon as possible. I told you it had been a day.

Tonight we went to a Memphis Redbirds game compliments of Storage USA who donated their suite to the Ronald McDonald House. We had a great time with the other families. I continue to be amazed at all the Memphis community does to support the Ronald McDonald House as well as St. Jude's. Stanton even got to meet the "Big Red Bird" (the mascot as Stanton calls him).

I have to share a couple of stories as I have had a couple of mommy meltdowns yesterday and today. On one hand part of me said what can they tell me today, "That my child has cancer" and the other hand said "MY CHILD HAS CANCER?" I focus a lot on my feelings and how worried I am about Hayden but I often forget to mention the feelings of the most important person in this journey, Stanton. He has continued to be absolutely amazing in how he has handled the past year ans a half. When I think that he has been fighting for his life for almost half of his life I just get sick. You would never know it by looking at him though. He is often running, laughing, playing and doing normal kid things although 300 miles from home. He very seldom mentions going home home and will never complain of feeling bad or sorry for himself. He does tend to think the world revolves around him and I guess he is probabaly right. Last night as he was laying with Jeff reading his night night stories and saying his night night prayers, he said "daddy me not want to be special anymore" (We have told him he is special because he gets to have magic lines which are his hickman line). "Me not want lines anymore we want to be able to go swimming with Bubba". Talk about break your heart. He has never really said a whole lot about his lines until then. He has once before taken his hearing aides out during Sunday School and when we asked why he said "everybody else took theirs out". Once again we had to explain that he is special. Then today in the medicine room he said "why me got a bald spot?" Explain that to a 3 year old. He then went on to say, "Me just want my hair back". The tears came again. He is 3 and knows more about being sick than most adults I know. So Stanton-You continue to be my hero. I am so sorry you are having to go through everything you are going through. I would take it all away if I could. Your spirit keeps amazing me. You will always be special to mommy and daddy. I only hope to touch the lives that you have in your first 3 years.

Even after all of my pity parties I looked around and realized how blessed I am. Our journey will continue on and we will continue to grow through the trials. We will also continue to turn to our Lord on the mountain tops not just in the valleys.

Still being held in His arms
Tina

I also want to mention a group of people from First Kensington Bank in Tampa, Fl. Stanton was thrilled to go check the mail today and had lots of mail. You can never know what a smile it brought to his face. You all are a very special group of people to take the time to brighten the days of several very special children. Thank you all so much!

Sunday, June 27, 2004 10:33 PM CDT

Well today was a great day! We spent the day with the Hampton's and as usual with Emma Grace and Stanton there is never a dull moment. But first things first. Stanton's ANC that we thought would be up by today is actually down to 500. We are not sure what is causing this but will have lots of questions for the doctor tomorrow. His eye is also bruised a little bit and swelling some. He just had an MRI so I don't know why I can't let this go but something is just not right. I really hope Dr. Furman can offer some explanation tomorrow. We meet with him first thing but it does not look like we will be starting chemo tomorrow either. Which again just puts us another day that we are doing nothing to stop the cancer. Our life is just an emotional rollercoaster. The good thing is that Stanton feels great. Other than the eye you would never believe he was sick. He saw the bruise on his eye for the first time tonight and he said "AWW Man".

We had so much fun today. After Stanton got his labwork done we met up with Barney, Trish and Emma Grace. We decided to go an a picnic and fishing at Shelby Farms. I would love to show you all video footage but most of you know that after the last fishing trip I take no electronic appliances around water with Emma Grace. The kids had a great time and I guess if you can be happy using 100 crickets and catching 2 fish then they were very happy. Although I think they enjoyed just throwing the crickets in the water. Not to mention they had thrown half a loaf of bread to the ducks right before they started fishing (and we wonder why the fish didn't bite). After all of this we took them up to ride the ponies. I think they enjoyed it, but I think each of them thought they were going to go a little faster any minute. We then all took a little while to rest before supper. Supper was great as was the company. Both of the kids were so good and we got so tickled at Stanton because he would kiss Emma Grace and yell at Barney "Me kissed her". They continued the hugging and kissing fest as usual with the occasional brother/sister moments. Trish and Barney-I think you have a very good idea of how much you mean to me and my family. You have been there for me whenever I needed you for anything. If I needed to laugh you made me laugh, if I needed to cry, you let me cry, if I needed a hug, you gave me a hug, and most importantly if I needed spiritual support, you offered this support. I can say that God definately placed you in our journey for a reason and that part of your purpose is being served in us. Thank you more than I can say for all you continue to do for us. We love you so much!

It was good that we stayed so busy as it didn't give us much time to think about Stanton and all that seems to be going on with him. Tonight will be one of those nights when I climb into God's lap and let him carry me.

Psalm 57:1

O God, have pity, for I am trusting you! I will hide beneath the shadow of your wings until the storm is past.

I continue to trust God and his plan for our journey but I can't think of a better place to hide than beneath God's wings. The storm will pass and I will be a much stronger person because of it.

Thanks for your continued support, prayers and love! We love you all!

Hiding under his Wings Tonight
Tina

Saturday, June 26, 2004 11:16 PM CDT

For a day that I shouldn't have that much to journal I have so much to say that I am not even sure where to start.

The day started with me going out with Chastity, Jane, Jane's sister, and Chastity's cousin. It was a great time away with a lot of laughs. Which I think Chastity and I both needed.

Let me take that back, the day started at 7:45 when Mary Claire called to tell me the tooth fairy had come. Yes, she lost her first tooth. These are times I just hate I can't be there for, but Jamie and Mary Claire do such a good job of keeping me in the loop. Mary Claire-I still love you more than my arms can reach even if you are the "untoothed" girl.

When we got back it was time for bible school and Stanton wasn't into going by himself today so I went with him. I once again want to thank the Crossroads Community Church from Florida for the work they did here this week. I guess I am most proud of the youth as you hear so many bad things about kids today you rarely hear the good things they were doing.

Lauren King ministries was here again tonight as they are once a month so we got a double blessing today. Larron and Anita, as usual the supper was great and the devotional just really touched my heart. Tonight first of all Larron talked about not only talking the talk but walking the walk. We can talk about being a Christian and say we love God, but if others don't see that love of God shine through us and reach out to others we are failing on our job. As he said, these kids this week walked the walk.
He also reminded us as parents that the most disappointing times in our lives can turn out to be the biggest blessings. As I say often, this is what is happening in our lives during this journey. I can say that the first diagnosis was pretty disappointing but the relapse diagnosis was almost enough to send me over the edge. I am so glad that I continued to look to God during the darkest and most disappointing times in my life and can feel his presence constantly. Tonight during the meditation time you could just feel the Lord in the room. We were singing, praying, and sharing our stories. I can usually manage to not cry except during one song, but I found myself in tears several times. By the way Shelia I loved the new song about The Promise and it will be the subject of a future journal entry. I just feel like there is so much to share.

Our last big event for the night was the arrival of Emma Grace and family. Not many of you can understand the bond between our families, but it is one that is as strong as any blood relationship could be. We couldn't wait to see them and an added bonus this trip, Barney got to come with them. There were lots of hugs and kisses given before they had to go back to the Grizzly house. We are planning on having lots of quality time tomorrow.

Thank you all for your continued support and prayers, we love you all.

Basking in His Presence
Tina

Friday, June 25, 2004 9:42 PM CDT

Okay, I don't know what Stanton has done more of today, run, eat or talk but he has done a lot of all of them. He went to sleep last night eating popcorn and singing and woke up hungry (which for Stanton is unusual as he is not a big eater). We went to the hospital for labs only to find out that his ANC had dropped to 600 (not exactly what we had hoped for). We can't start chemo until it is over 750 so no chemo today. Nothing can ever be simple. We should have known better as we had some sort of a game plan. They will retest his blood again Sunday and we will meet with the doctor Monday to hopefully start chemo. They are not really concerned about this as his bone marrow is working fine, he may just have a virus of some kind. I just don't like waiting on chemo (as you all know patience is something I am working on). So, Jeff will not be coming home Sunday as planned. We are just not comfortable with him leaving without chemo started. Mom is wonderful and is on standby to come whenever we need her. Thanks mom! On another note, the fellow which is another one of our doctors told us that there was just a few cells in his bone marrow biopsies, but did not have a percentage (I think they know how much I get caught up in numbers) and his MRI was stable. It did show a portion on the back of the tumor that is dying, which I guess is good.

We came back to the RMH and the first thing Stanton said is "it is time for bible school and I am going all by myself" which he did and by the time I found him he had found Kristian and was doing fine without mommy or daddy. He did good most of the time but got tired and needed Jeff for a couple of groups. At the end he was tired but he didn't want to leave Kristian so he finsihed the singing (which was his favorite part). I can't thank Crossroads Church enough for all they have done this week. First of all the bible school has been great. The kids that are doing it have the light of the Lord just shining from them. It is sad to say, but there are children that are here that this may the only time they have heard about Jesus and the awesome things he does for us. I also hope that the kids and parents here have touched the lives of these kids as much as they've touched us. I know today when they were praying and at the end of the prayer made sure the kids knew who to go talk to if they had asked God into their life and if they had any questions I just sat there with tears in my eyes as I know that if they had just reached one person it was worth all of it. I accepted Christ at bible school when I was in the 6th grade so I know how much of an impact bible school can have.

In addition to bible school each day, they have cooked supper each night. They have waited on us hand and foot and given all of the families a little break. The time and money put into this project is amazing and I cannot thank this church enough. Know you have touched many lives.

We are looking forward to visitors this weekend. Trish and Emma Grace will be here this week for scans and they are bringing Barney with them. I really cannot put into words how much this family means to us and how excited we are to get to see them. I know that if I am having a bad day all I have to do is call Trish and she will lift my spirits and if all else fails put Emma Grace on the phone and I will laugh hysterically. Guys-we can't wait for you to get here. We love you!

My bible verse for today:
Proverbs 18:10

The Lord is a strong fortress. The godly run to him and are safe.

What a statement. I am so thankful that my God is a fortress. I find myself running to him daily for his strength. Many days he walks beside me while other days he holds my hand, but on many days he carries me as I know he is the only reason I am able to face each new day and each new trial.

Holding His Hand
Tina

Special condolences to a couple of special friends. Mr. Cathey on the loss of his mother. Mrs. Cathey was such a huge supporter of our family this last year.

Scotty and Mrs. Mooney on the loss of an uncle and brother. I know you will miss him greatly.

Thursday, June 24, 2004 10:11 PM CDT

Todays journal may be short as "Stanley" is screaming in the background. You have to love sedation days. First of all Stanton did so good today considering he couldn't have anything to eat or drink until they put him to sleep about 1:45. He only screamed a couple of times. His ANC is still only 700 so he will have to check it again tomorrow to see if he can start chemo. I don't look for us to be able to start tomorrow mainly because of the timing of everything but they may surprise me. I am a little anxious as I don't like to let the "beast" gain any headway becasue of a lapse of chemo. We didn't get to talk to Dr. Furman today but Sandy did say the preliminary results of the bone marrow biopsies showed one clump of cells in all the marrow that they pulled out. What does this mean? Well to the best of my knowledge at this point it means that the bone marrow at least looks no worse than before and possibly a little better. We will hopefully get results of the MRI tomorrow.

After Stanton woke up he was starving so he went to eat and while he was eating he mentioned bible school. Well by this time he had missed all but an hour but he said that "Miss Kristian may miss me and call me on the telephone". So we hurried back to the "Donald House" where he knew right where his group was. He went straight to Kristian and wouldn't have anything to do with us for the rest of the evening. What a much needed break. Thanks Kristian. This bible school has been AWESOME! The kids are having a blast. I got a chance to visit with a couple of the teenagers after supper and what an inspiration they are. Jo Ann and Tasha-I know how special it is for you to give up your time to come witness to the kids and their families. You both show an amazing faith in God which is not often found in kids your age. I hope you are able to learn a little from us as we have learned so much from you. The kids are having a blast and you can never start to early teaching children about Jesus and his love for us. I truly enjoyed visiting with you both tonight.

I don't have along devotional tonight. I just have a heavy heart that there is something here I am supposed to be doing and I am missing an opportunity. Don't get me wrong, I will continue to share my faith with everyone that I meet and hope that they will see Jesus living in me but I am still looking for opportunities that maybe I haven't opened my eyes to.

Thank you all as usual for your continued support and prayers. They all mean so much. We love you all!

Still looking to the "SON"
Tina

Wednesday, June 23, 2004 9:23 PM CDT

If I ever said things around here were getting boring I didn't really mean it. Stanton had labs drawn at 7:30 this morning getting ready for bone marrow biopsies (which meant he couldn't have anything to eat or drink until after 10:00). This would not normally be a problem but he has been Mr. eat everything the last few days. He really does god though when you explain to him why he can't eat. We met with the nurse practitioner (Sandy) and Dr. Furman to get ready for the procedure only to find out his ANC is only 700. (Below 500 and he has to wear a mask). They weren't too concerned because chemo will do this but they don't want to start chemo tomorrow unless his counts go up. Well, then while we were waiting they called us to the scheduler window which was no big deal, I thought they were going to tell us what time our lab was for tomorrow and when she handed us the schedule it was for an MRI of his head and orbits. Well needless to say, panic set in. Sandy (who is the greatest) came out to explain that there was nothing that indicated anything was wrong but he hadn't had a full head scan since April and Dr. Furman just thought it would be a good idea. Whew! A little relief. But with this scan comes all the apprehension, is there more there, is the spot on the eye getting better or bigger. Wow what a time to practice what I preach. I just stopped and prayed for peace for Jeff and I more than anything.

They had bible school again today and Stanton hooked up with a girl named Kristian (she worked very hard to get him wo warm up to her). By the end of the day he finished bible school without Jeff or I with him which is a HUGE accomplishment for him. So I spent these extra hours in quiet time with my devotional books looking for verses in the bible to help with my worries. The place I ended up was in Matthew Chapter 14. This is the story where Jesus fed about 5000 people with 5 loaves of bread and 2 fish and still had food left over. After all of this the disciples were on a boat when they looked out across the water and saw Jesus walking on the water. They were afraid as this was not how they were expecting their prayers to be answered. Peter spoke up and said to the Lord "Lord if it is you tell me to come walk on the water". The Lord did and Peter took the step out of the boat and began to walk on the water. He looked around and began to doubt his faith and began to sink. He cried out to Jesus "Save me Lord". Jesus reached out his hand and asked him "Why did you doubt me?"

This was a pretty appropriate story in the middle of my storm. I have often screamed out "Lord save me" and he has reached out his hands and wrapped his arms around me. There are many times the answers to these prayers have been black and white, almost as if Jesus himself were standing in front of me saying "Have faith in me I know what I am doing". Other times the answers have not been so clear. Just as the disciples prayers were answered in a way that they were not expecting our prayers can be answered in the same way. We must look and listen closely to not missing seeing the answer to our prayers. This story also teaches me not to doubt what is going on in our storm. God has all of it under control. "In His place, His time, His way.

So tonight I go to bed knowing that God is in control of our storm and has his loving arms wrapped around Stanton, Jeff and I. We are expecting nothing but positive news from these biopsies and scans.

Trusting in Him
Tina

Tuesday, June 22, 2004 9:45 PM CDT

Today has been a pretty good day in Stanton's world. He has adjusted to being back at his new home. A church from Florida came today and started a bible school that will be every afternoon this week. I wish you could see all the prep work that went into this. The decorations are awesome. Last year Stanton was not quite old enough to keep his attention but we thought we would try again this year. He started off kind of slow and Jeff or I had to be within eye distance but he eventually warmed up. By the end he was even singing the songs and doing the motions. He is so cute singing. The name of this church is Crossraods and it is amazing what they do for these kids and how they bond with the kids.

It has also been an emotionally difficult day for me which is not really unusual. But a couple of things just set those emotions off. First of all while one of the teenagers was trying to talk to Stanton she said "He has cancer?". For those of you who have seen Stanton you would understand why she would ask this questions as he is not what you would picture a child with cancer to look like. Well, I am not oblivious to how sick he is in fact just the opposite, I think of it often but the "cancer" word just gets to me. Yes, my child has cancer. What a statement to bring me back to reality.

It is also hard to see new families begin their journey as the memories come flooding back. Well, tonight I saw a teenage girl and her mom on the couch crying as she held her ponytail they had cut off in her hand. I know losing hair is the least of our worries and is something we can come to live with but that makes it no easier when that step happens. I remember when Stanton's hair first fell out. Jamie was here big and pregnant and he was loving on her and when he lifted his head she just said "Tina". There was hair everywhere. This was something we were expecting, in fact waiting on but that did not stop the tears from flowing. An aide came in and asked if I was okay and hugged an comforted me for a while. Eventually Stanton and Mary Claire sat in his bed and pulled every hair out of his head. We learned to love bald heads. (Which is actually a good thing in my family).

We also got to spend some time with Zoie today. She had surgery to remove a fungus on her head and didn't feel great. She was in pain and just wanted to be held. She even asked for "Uncle Jeff" to hold her which thrilled him. My heart just breaks for this little girl as we love her so much and feel so helpless. We will just continue to hold her up to the Lord for his healing power and continue to be there for Travis and Chassity for anything that they need.

Now for my devotional for the night. I have found that I can find inspiration in so many places and after my quiet time last night have so many journal ideas it was kind of hard to find where to start so I will start with a book that Stanton got in the mail (Thank you chemo angel Lori) called "Hermie, A Common Caterpillar" by Max Lucado. This is a story about a caterpillar named Hermie and a worm named Wormie who talk to God. They ask God why they are so common. God reminds them that he is not finished with them yet. They meet many different animals that God has blessed in different ways and continue asking God why they have not been blessed and why they are so common. Hermie finally tells God that it is okay that he is common and that God's love is all he needs to be special. Well as Hermie sleeps one night he becomes a beautiful butterfly. He realized that God had kept his promise, he just hadn't been finished with him yet. I love this book. We talk to Stanton all the time about how special he is because he has magic lines. I think of all the times we have looked to God and said "Why". Well this simple book is a reminder that God isn't finished with us yet. He isn't finished with Stanton he has bigger and better things waiting for him. He isn't finished with Jeff and I, we haven't accomplished all he needed us to during this journey, and he isn't finished with Hayden, he continues to grow in his spirituality. I have no doubt that God will finish this journey of our lives and we will all be like Hermie, Beautiful butterflies.

Thank you all for your continued support and prayers. We feel the strength of God daily wrapping his arms around us. We have been blessed to be surrounded by a St. Jude family unlike any people we have ever met and are so glad they are here to support us during this journey as well as glad to be able to offer support for them. Please continue to keep Stanton and all of his St. Jude friends in your prayers. Please also remember that there are kids daily that are just starting on this journey. Lift them and their families and prayers as it is a very scary time.

Waiting on the Finishing Touches
Tina

Monday, June 21, 2004 9:48 PM CDT

Well, we are back at our home away from home. Stanton had done so good about reminding us all that we had to come back all weekend, but he didn't do so well when the time actually came. He just wanted to stay at his house. He has adjusted though and back going 100 miles an hour. Stan and Leah-he is having a blast with the ball and goal. It is a little safer inside, but he is trying to see just how high it will bounce. Thank you guys so much.

We had a great time at home, even though Jeff worked most of the weekend. Sometimes going home is so hard. You just get a taste of what life could be like but for us is just a weekend every 3 weeks.

I am sure most of you have guessed that I probabaly had a lot on my mind by a couple of my entries and you would be right. Hayden had some things going on that were bothering him so it bothered me as well. Sometimes although Stanton is going through so much Hayden is the one I feel sorry for. For those of you have gone out of your way to make him feel special, thank you more than I could ever say. For those of you who think he is doing great and haven't made such an effort, remember he is 14 and doesn't always let his feelings show.

He and I visited for a little while today and I got a little sampling of what is going on in his head. He has a lot of questions that I wish I had the answers for, most of which I have asked myself. He has really grown from a little boy into a teenager. He has really grown as a Christian as we all have and I am so very proud of him. He has an awesome story to tell and is telling it in a way that glorifys God. Hayden I am so proud of you! Don't quit looking for the answers.

I got a card in the mail that I wanted to share with you:

When you are the neediest, He is the most sufficient.

When you are completely helpless, He is the most helpful.

When you feel totally dependent, He is absolutley dependable.

When you are the weakest, He is the most able.

When you feel you are the least, He is the greatest.

When you feel the most useless, He is preparing you.

When it is the darkest, He is the only light you need.

When you feel the least secure, He is your Rock and Fortress.

May you be strenghtened in knowing that when you can't, He Can.

The statements could sum up the last 2 years of my life. I hae been needy, helpless, weak, lonely, felt useless, insecure, I think you get the picture. How great it is to know that God can take all of these burdens from me. I find great peace in knowing that "when I can't, HE CAN!"
(Thank you Linda Broussard for the card, boy did I need it).

Ephesians 3:20

Now glory be to God, who by his mighty power at work within us is able to do far more than we would ever dare to ask or even dream of-infinitely beyond our highest prayers, desires, thoughts or hopes.

Only by his Strength
Tina

Sunday, June 20, 2004 2:50 PM CDT

First of all thank you all for listening and for the support after my "whine" session the last journal entry. We have really enjoyed our time at home.

Friday night Mary Claire spent the night with us. I enjoyed it more than Stanton. When they got tired of playing she crawled in my lap and needed "Tina Time". Well for those of you who know me amy relationship with Mary Claire this is about all it took for her to have me hooked. We played beauty shop, candyland and whatever else she wanted to play. She then slept with me in Stanton's bed. It was just a good girls night! Jamie-thank you for sharing your precious daughter(s). You know I love her like she is my own. I can't imagine being able to love someone more. Mary Claire-You will always be my very special niece. Thank you for coming to play, I had a great time. I will always love you more than my arms can reach.

Last night we went to eat supper with some friends. Ricky, Jodi, Mike, Jill, Hank, Dana, Kenny, Melanie, Alan and Sara Maragaret-Thank you guys for supper and for the little touch of normalcy. We had been there about 30 minutes when Jeff got paged to go to work where he stayed until about 1 this morning. So back to normal for me anyway.

Happy Father's Day to all of the fathers out there. I have several fathers I want to thank. First of all, Jeff-I know I have said this often, but thank you for being the great dad that you have been. I know working today was not how you planned to spend father's day but you do what you have to do. I wish you could have heard Brother Wayne's sermon today. All I could think of was how lucky I am to have a husband who is there for me and my children.

Daddy-I know you won't read this but mom will share it with you. I couldn't possibly thank you for everything you have done for me all of these years, the last 2 especially. You took on so many roles. You gave up your wife to come be with us, took Hayden in and became his parent and grandparent and managed to worry about me and Stanton in the process. Thank you for all you continue to do to make Hayden feel special. You have made memories for him that will last a lifetime. You know that I will always be a daddy's girl, I will never outgrow it. I love you so very much!

O.H.-Thank you for loving me like the daughter you never had for the last 15 years. I will never forget being afraid to meet you 16 years ago. Now I am not sure why I was so afraid. Your support of our family means more than you will ever know. I know we forget to say thanks for so many things, so thank you from the bottom of my heart. I love you!

To all of the St. Jude dads (Barney, Travis, Barry, Don, and all of you who have kids there) I admire all of you and what you do for your children. So a special Happy Father's Day to all of you.

I want to share the verse that they shared with us in church this morning.
Ephesians 6:4

Fathers, do not exasperate your children; instead, bring them up in the training and instruction of the Lord.

In His Love
Tina

Friday, June 18, 2004 6:29 PM CDT

First of all I have a special prayer request. It is for our special friend Zoie. They found out today that the tumor on her liver is getting bigger. They can't radiate the liver because of previous complications and her bone marrow is not recovering so chemo is very limited. The doctors are kind of in a hard spot trying to decide what to do to stop the spread of her disease. On top of this, a section of the scar where she had brain surgery has a fungal infection in it. She will be having more surgery for this on Monday. I know most of you can't understand the bond that we have with these families, but we love Zoie like a niece. She feels good despite all of this and when I talked to her today and asked if there was anything I could bring her all she said was "Stanton". Her website is www.caringbridge.org/la/zoie.

Okay, so the rest of this journal entry is more for my benefit than anything. I have something that I have been wrestling with for a while and the last 2 days after conversations with a friend I just need to say some things.

I guess I will start with something Dana said one day when she called and apologized for not calling in a day or so. "I know your world is standing still, but ours seems to be going 100 miles an our right now". That pretty much sums up some of my emotions. I realize that when we are gone everyone elses life continues. I never expected everyone to stop everything. But our life does seem to stand still. I realize that while I am in Memphis having a pity party for myself that things in the rest of the world may not be so good either. But for that moment what I am going through seems the most important. Because of this mind set I guess I have offended friends that I might not have called as often as I usually would have. On the same note those friends haven't called us either. Through this journey I have made lifelong friends that I will have a special bond with for the rest of my life. They are friends that I consider part of my family. Through this most recent journey though I am afraid that I am losing friends that I thought would be there for the rest of my life. So, for anyone who thinks I have been a neglectful person and maybe not as understanding as a friend should be I apologize. I just hope if any one of you has something specific that I have done you would share so I could make it up to you.

For those of you who have never been in a similar situation you could never know how lonely it gets when you are 300 miles away from friends and family. A simple phone call to talk about normal things friends talk about does wonders for that loneliness.

I apologize for everyone who reads these entries on a daily basis because this is not my ususal journal but sometimes the journal is as much for me as for everyone reading. Thank you for bearing with me.

Sorry
Tina

Thursday, June 17, 2004 10:36 PM CDT

UPDATE: IN MY LATE NIGHT WRITING LAST NIGHT I FORGOT TO MENTION SOMETHING VERY IMPORTANT TO ME. A VERY SPECIAL PERSON IN OUR LIVES RECEIVED A VERY SPECIAL AWARD. WHITNEY MADE UCA ALLSTAR CHEERLEADER AT CAMP THIS WEEK. I AM SO VERY PROUD OF YOU, THIS IS A HUGE ACCOMPLISHMENT. WE LOVE YOU!

Well, I thought I would give quick update on todays events. Stanton had his last T-ball game and he was easy to spot as he would not wear the green shirt because he plays for the LSU Tigers. So of course, he wore his LSU shirt. He did play in the field one inning and batted one time but then he was hot and hungry so he was finished. He did get a trophy which he thought was pretty cool.

He is having a blast at home, he kept Hayden up until midnight last night and woke him up at 7 this morning to play horses. That lasted until Nanny Kay got here and the games began. He played hard all day. All he could tell me was to go to work so Nanny Kay could come. Nanny Kay-you are the greatest and we love you.

Again, life seemed normal going to work, coming home going to the ballpark. Boy how easy it is to pick up where we left off.

Keep the prayers coming. We love you all!

Holding His Hand
Tina

Be sure and check out the new pictures!

Wednesday, June 16, 2004 9:29 PM CDT

An update from home sweet home. We made it home and I didn't take any wrong turns. Stanley woke up this morning so I thought it was going to be a really long day but from the moment they handed us his lab results and said he could go home he was an angel. Still very bossy, but I am afraid he gets that honestly. It feels great to be home and I know it will feel good to sleep in my own bed. Although the trip will be a whirlwind as usual it will be worth it. Stanton keeps reminding us that he has to go back to the "Donald House". It kind of breaks my heart to realize he understands this life.

Today is also mine and Jeff's 15th anniversary. Boy does time fly. Jeff-Thank you for the last 15 years. Through the ups and downs you have remained my best friend and soul mate. I can't imagine going through the last couple of years without you by my side. Happy Anniversary! I love you!

It is also the birthday of a very special friend. Bill-we love you and consider you part of our family. Thanks for all of the continued support. I will never forget the night of January 2 when late (I don't even remember what time but the front doors of the hospital were closed)that night you, Angela, and Mr. Kennedy drove over for support and to help us pack. It is something I will never forget. Happy Birthday! (I want mention a number, just that it is more than mine).

As usual on our trip home the updates might not be as frequent as I will be enjoying my time at home. Please keep the prayers and support coming.

We love you all
Tina

Tuesday, June 15, 2004 8:20 PM CDT

First I want to apologize for the short entry yesterday. I guess I have been having my own little pity party for a few days. Stanton/Stanley has made it no easier. Stanton continues to have the alter ego episodes frequently. If you have never had a very sick child you cannot possibly understand how hard it is to discipline them and when you do you feel so guilty.

I also still have moments when I just can't believe that this is my life. My baby cannot possibly be this sick. Then I look around and wake up to the fact that this is my life, he is this sick, and it could be so much worse, so I stop and thank God for the good things he has done in my life and for wrapping his arms around me during this journey.

We will have lab drawn in the morning and as soon as we get the results of these we will be headed home. It should be pretty interesting seeing as I have never driven the entire trip even though I have made a many times, those of you who no me and my sense of direction know to send up a few extra prayers. (Mom will be with me but her sense of direction is not much better). Not to mention traveling with Stanley will be fun!!!!!

I have to tell you what is happenng at this exact minute. Stanton is heading for my mother with a rope in his hand saying "me can be the cowboy, you can be the bull, okay?" Well needless to say my mother is a little skeptical but I am sure before long she will be on the floor being the bull. I cannot tell you how nice it has been having mom here these past 2 weeks. I could never do this alone and she has been such a big help. Thanks again Mom-I love you more than you could ever know.

Now for my "Grace for the Moment" verse for today:
Joshua 24:15
If you don't want to serve the Lord, you must choose for yourselves today whom you will serve.

This is a pretty black and white choice God gives us to make. He gives all and we give him all. It is pretty incredible to look at all of the things that we are not given a choice over, for example-the weather, the color of our eyes, how people respond to us, our life's situations. But the biggest decision of our entire lives (Where we will spend eternity) is our choice. We choose how to handle the choices that are made for us. I am so glad this is a choice we are given and that I have chosen to spend eternity with God. So remember that although things in our lives happen that we have no control over we do have control over how we respond to the situation and how we use the situation to grow closer to God.

Sorry this has been lengthy although you probable should have expected it since ysterday's was so short. Thank you for you continued support and prayers. We love you all!

Only by His Grace
Tina

Monday, June 14, 2004 8:22 PM CDT

This is going to be short and sweet as I just don't have a lot to say. "Stanley" has been here just about all day. That is enough to wear anyone out. It has just been one of those days. Stanton is doing good and has one more day of chemo to go then we will get a break. We should be headed home by the end of the week. Many more days like today and it can't be soon enough.

Please continue the prayers as they are the reason we make it through each day.

We love you all
Tina

Jeff-Missing you more than ever. I don't know who more, me or Stanton

Sunday, June 13, 2004 3:46 PM CDT

"Your trials are meant to lift your face from earth to heaven that you might discover the riches of divine grace in the hardest moments of life"

I am journaling a bit early today, partly because Mom and Stanton are asleep and partly because I have a lot on my mind so bear with me.

First of all today has been good with the exception of Jeff having to go home. No, it was not any easier the second time. We will see how Stanton does when he wakes up. Jeff-Thank you for continuing to be the strong one in the family. I know leaving today tore your heart out and I hate it has to be this way. I love you with all of my heart. You are an amazing daddy.

Mom-Thank you for continuing to hang in there with me. I know the days get boring and I am so glad I don't have to be here by myself. I love you!

I have started reading a new book so be ready because I am sure I will be sharing with you a lot. The book is about having strength in the times when it is hard to believe. Just the few pages I have read have touched me in a way that I can't put into words. I wish I would have found it sooner. One of the main focuses of the book is to remind you that no matter what the circumstances God is faithful. I think any person in our situation could have chosen to turn away from God, many do. We chose the opposite, we turned to God. We are seeking his guidance and strength. It seems to me that this is the perfect time for Satan to step in and I REFUSE to let this happen. One of my goals is that every person that I meet will see my faith rise above my circumstance.

It is not about WHAT happens to us but about about how we respond to it that makes the difference. Our lives troubles are not mistakes. They humble us, kill our pride, force us to admit our weaknesses, and drive us to the Savior who alone can help us when all earthly things have failed. I know that I will never on this earth fully understand why God has chosen this path for our family. I do know that I will never quit believing in the Lord and his power to do great work. I also know that I don't want this hurt to be wasted so I will continue to use it to bring glory to God and spread his word.

Thank you all for your continued support and prayers. We love you!

Only by His Grace
Tina

sgjhhggttrrdee33333332aasssdddddddddddcccccccvvvvvvvvvvvvvvv(Stanton's entry)

Saturday, June 12, 2004 8:21 PM CDT

First of all I wish all of you that know Jeff could see him right now. He is laying in the floor playing Polly Pockets. Yes you read correctly. It is amazing how much we will give where Stanton is concerned. He loved going to Zoie's room and playing Polly Pockets so Aunt Sarah and Whittney made sure he had his own. There is a horse and a boy so that makes it a little better.

We have really enjoyed having Jeff here to play this weekend. I hope tomorrow goes as smoothly as last week. It will be interesting to see. Please add special prayers for safe travel for him.

We had a visit from some very special friends today. Ronnie and Cheryl we are so glad you stopped by. It was great to see you and Stanton was surely entertained. Ronnie wil have to come back and play some time.

Stanton will continue with this round of chemo and finish on Tuesday. If all goes well we are hoping for a weekend break to go home. We have learned not to plan that far in advance.

Please continue to keep Stanton and all of his St. Jude friends in your prayers. Thank you for your continued support.

Love
Tina

Friday, June 11, 2004 9:29 PM CDT

Well, Daddy made it here this afternoon and Stanton gave lots of hugs and kisses. We were both pretty happy to see him. All we have heard is daddy daddy daddy. I am sure it is going to be a great weekend.

He had another uneventful day of chemo today. We still had several bouts of "Stanley". In fact going anywhere has become a challenge. Mom said we should just put a sign on him. I just am not sure what it should say, "I have cancer, or I'm a brat with cancer." Sometimes people look at you like you can't control your child and you just want to tell them a little of what he has been through. Maybe then they would understand.

Hayden made it home safe and sound from his mission trip. He had a great time. After talking to him I think he learned a lot this week as well as teaching others.

My inspirational thought for the day is "Who is in Charge?"

1 Peter 5:7
Give all your worries to him because he care for you.

If we don't put God in charge then who do we put in charge. Usually ourselves and if we are to focused on ourselves there is no way we are focusing enough attention on God. I think I often tried to handle the little things I thought that were not important to God and let him handle the big things. I have realized that there is no worry to small for God. I look to him for guidance in even the smallest decisions. It makes decision making a little easier. I pray for guidance and then let God do the worrying.

Special prayer requests:
Zoie www.caringbridge.org/la/zoie
Emma Grace www.caringbridge.org/ar/emmagrace
Aaron www.caringbridge.org/il/aarondhunter
Christal christalinfo.servemp3.com
Jake
Ben
Dalton

And of course Stanton as he continues to battle this beast.
All of the above are dear friends of ours we have come to love as family. If you get a chance stop by and sign there guestbook. It sure can lift your spirits to hear from all of the prayer warriors.

Thank you for your continued support. We love you all!

Leaving the worry to Him
Tina

Thursday, June 10, 2004 9:40 PM CDT

What a day it has been. Stanton has been so sweet this week. He has loved on Granma and really not wanted me that much. Of course he has Granma wound so tight around his little finger he could never be unwound. Well, today we had a day off from the hospital and decided to go to the big mall. There is a carousel there that Stanton loves so we thought it would be a good bribe for us to shop. Well, “Stanley” showed up not long after we got there and stayed with us for pretty much most of the day. “Stanley” did not want Granma he wanted momma so I think I got the raw end of the deal. When he would get in trouble he would go running to Granma. Needless to say the trip to the mall was short lived. He slept on the way home so when he got back he decided he was not tired anymore. So no good nap today, I guess that is why he is curled up next to mom right now.

Jeff will be driving back tomorrow so please pray for safe travel for him. He will be by himself and I know he hasn’t slept well this week so I will worry about him but we can’t wait to see him. Stanton has done so well without him (much better than expected) but he knows he will be here tomorrow. Zoie is a little, well a lot disappointed that Hayden is not coming but he won’t be home from his mission trip until late. He will also be traveling tomorrow so pray for his safety as well.

As I was sitting in the living area visiting with a new family (I have mentioned them before, Baby Jake from Monroe) I was reliving some of the first part of our journey. Boy have we come a long way. I never thought I would be able to sit and talk to anyone about Stanton without being an emotional wreck. I can now talk about it and hope that talking to these families in some way offers them comfort. I don’t think it will ever get any easier seeing the new families and reliving what they are feeling. I still on an almost daily basis have to remind myself that this is reality. We talked tonight about how one minute your life is rolling along and then WHAM, things are changed forever. I know I mention too often to not take each day for granted. But once again I was reminded how important this really is. Stop and take a minute to determine what is really important to you. Tell your mom/dad you love them, hug your children, call a friend, don’t put off the important things.

Thank you for your continued support and prayers. Please continue to pray for Stanton and his St. Jude friends. There are so many children fighting each day harder than most of us have had to fight in a lifetime.

Wednesday, June 9, 2004 9:17 PM CDT

Today we just had lab work and saw the doctor, well actually the nurse practitioner. His lab work all looked good today. The clinic was busy so it did take a little while. Stanton has shown some signs of "Stanley" today but they have been short lived. (Thank Goodness). Tomorrow we have an off day so I am not sure what we will do but we will try to have some fun.

Mom and Stanton went to bed early last night so I had a little quiet time to start a new book. It is about trusting God in times of trouble. I know that God has comforted me during this trial and I always look for ways to help share this with others who may not feel the same. I look around the hospital and the Ronald McDonald House and see the many trials being faced by families. Some of these families exhibit great faith while others struggle with the how's and why's. I think no matter what the trial all Christians go through this stage. I know I asked why a million times until I realized that some of the answers were right in front of me while others I will not know in my life on earth. As I have said before, it is one thing to trust God when all is going well, (I think we don't give him enough credit when all is going well) but a whole different ballgame when your life seems to be falling apart. First, I encourage you not to wait to put your trust in God. Trust him during the good times as well as the bad. The same goes for praising him. Praise him during the bad and the good. As for the why's and te how's, these questions may not always be answered but one thing we can count on is God is FAITHFUL. He doesn't ask us to understand he only asks us to believe. How faithful is God? Anyone that seeks him can find him.

Exercising my faith in God has enabled me to learn more and more about God's purpose in our trial. My challenge is to trust when I cannot see and to hold onto the rope of faith until there is a tug from heaven reminding me God is there. I get these tugs often as I am faced with new challenges each day. I enjoy meeting new families and helping them to begin their journey. It was not something I was looking forward to this journey but something I have found comfort in.

So fo anyone reading this who might be struggling or going through a trial or journey that seems unbearable remember to look to the one constant in life, GOD! He is faithful!

Psalm 9:10
All those who know your mercy Lord, will count on you for help. For you have not yet foresaken those who trust in you.

Jeff we still miss you bunches! Counting down the days.

By his Faithfulness
Tina

Tuesday, June 8, 2004 9:24 PM CDT

This entry should be short as today was a pretty boring day compared to yesterday (or as boring as it can get with Stanton). Mom is getting a good taste of how funny he can be. He still seems to be adjusting well to daddy not being here. He won't talk to him on the phone which I am sure is his way of showing Jeff what happens if you leave. Jeff still hates being so far away and this doesn't help but making Stanton do something he doesn't want to do is pretty hard.

He got his chemo this morning and now he gets a 2 day break from the IV stuff. We met with the nutritionist today because some of his electrolytes were a little low. What it boils down to is he needs to eat more especially more protein so we are working on that now. Stanton has never been a big eater so as always this too will be challenging. We will check his blood again tomorrow and meet with the doctor.

I am still hanging in there. Having mom here has been such a big help. I don't know how moms do it by themselves although many do. I guess as parents we do what we have to do but we have been so blessed to both be able to be here in Memphis. I am also blessed as there are a lot of men who would have trouble spending so much time sitting in the hospital and all of the other fun stuff that comes along with this. Jeff you are the best and I miss you so much!!!!!

Thank you all for the continued support. Lori R.-you continue to keep me going. Thanks for being such a great friend. Trish-you always call when I need you most. Please just continue holding Stanton and all of his St. Jude friends up in prayer.

Looking to the "SON"
Tina

Monday, June 7, 2004 9:29 PM CDT

I am not even sure where to start. Today was a very long day. It started like all of the other days but after he got his labs drawn his hemoglobin was low so he needed blood. Well, if everything goes smoothly the fastest you can get blood is about 3 1/2 hours. The computers at St. Jude were down most of the day so nothing went smoothly. Needless to say we got home about 8:00 tonight. Of course Jeff says it is because he is not here. Mom is not convinced that things have been as easy as we have been telling her. Stanton is really eating the Granma thing up so she is not complaining. They medicate him before he gets blood so he slept through most of the transfusion which was good in a way, but when they get blood they also get a little energy. So right now he is singing Happy Birthday at the top of his lungs and waiting on Granma to play playdough. I have a feeling Granma is going to be up way past her bedtime.

I continue to miss Jeff terribly. I know he is having a hard time being home. Stanton is actually doing much better than we expected but he is wrapping Granma around his finger (as if she wasn't already). Jeff-we love you and miss you more than you can know.

Emma Grace was here today but we didn't get to play long because we spent all say in the medicine room. She can still brighten any day. Trish-sorry we didn't get to see you more, it is my loss. We love you all so much and can't wait to see you again. I know you feel a little better with a game plan in place.

2 Corinthians 4:18

What we see will last only a short time, but what we cannot see will last forever.

This was the verse from my devotional today. The devotional talked about life's journeys and how some aren't always as we would have planned them (man is that an understatement). Sometimes we lose sight of the big picture and focus on all of the bad things. This is something that I have made a special point to do, not dwell on the bad. It seems like when I feel sorry for myself I meet someone who would love to be in my shoes.
"God never said that the journey would be easy, but he did say that the arrival would be worthwhile". Our journey has not been easy, but we have already reaped some of the rewards with the big reward yet to come.

Thank you all for your continued support and prayers. Special thanks to Mr. Killen from Florida. Stanton loved the cars and stickers. He loves to get surprises so you made his day. Also to the Ratcliff's-when he opened the card, he said "me got more 500 dollars". If I could make money grow like he does we wouldn't have to work. Please continue to hold Stanton up in prayers as he continues to battle the beast. Also all of his St. Jude friends battling their own beasts. These kids are truly amazing.

With Love
Tina

Sunday, June 6, 2004 3:47 PM CDT

There is no getting around it, good byes are hard. But before I get into the goodbyes I want to say thank you to Gary and Sarah-This weekend was great. A mini escape from reality. This was going to be a rough weekend but you helped to keep our minds off of it. Thank you for allowing us to show you a little of what our life is like. Walker, Whitney, Abby-thanks for helping keep Stanton entertained. It means a lot that you all would come all this way to visit. Thanks for your neverending support. We love you all.

When it came time for them to leave Stanton decided nobody was getting hugs and kisses. You see in his little mind if you don't say goodbye then they can't leave.

Next came the hard part. We had been talking to Stanton about Daddy going home to work and he was pretty excited until he found out that Nanny Kay wasn't coming to play. (For those of you who don't know Nanny Kay is a blessing sent to us when Stanton was about 8 weeks old and she has been keeping him at our house since then.) He decided that Granma would be okay but we still wondered how he would handle the actual departure of daddy. Jeff told him goodbye and he climbed in bed with grandma and went to sleep where he remains. Jeff did not want to leave so this helped a little. I wish I could say the same. I wasn't as strong, even though I tried, I cried and am still crying. Jeff has been in Memphis with us every step of this journey. For this I am so thankful. This is an adjustment that we will make and make the best of. Jeff-I know you will read this and I miss you so much already. We will be okay. That's not to say you won't be missed but we will do what has to be done. I love you!!!!!!!!

I make this sound as if we have been deserted, but as everyone that knows me knows that this is not the case. My mom is here to spend the next couple of weeks with us. She continues to be one of our biggest supporters and so unselfishly drops her life and comes to be with us. Mom-you're the best. I know how hard it is to leave everyone at home. Thanks for always being there when I need you most. Daddy-Thanks for sharing her with us, I am sure Mary Claire and Elynn Kate will keep you from being lonely.

Philippians 4:6

Don't worry about anything; instead, pray about everything; tell God your needs, and don't forget to thank him for all of his answers.

In His Arms
Tina

Saturday, June 5, 2004 10:42 PM CDT

Today was a good day. It started with chemo in the morning. Stanton did well as usual. Gary, Sarah, Walker, Whitney, and Abby came up last night so they came to see him in the medicine room. After he finished the boys went to the DU Outdoor Festival while the girls went shopping. Mom and Dad came up today in preparation for mom to stay. They kept Stanton while we all went out to eat. Thanks mom and dad, it is good to have some adult time every now and then. After supper we came back and went to play glow in the dark putt putt.

We stayed busy which was a good thing because it kept our minds off of the thought of Jeff going home tomorrow. We both agree this is what he needs to do it is going to be very difficult.

Please continue to pray for Stanton and all of his St. Jude friends.

Only by His Grace
Tina

And yes, Emma Grace will be coming back tomorrow which we are all looking forward to. This should help out Stanton and his spirits.

Friday, June 4, 2004 8:57 PM CDT

First of all thanks for all of the words of encouragement in the guestbook. It means so much to hear from all of you. I journal more for me than anyone else but I am so glad so many of you are enjoying them.

Stanton started round 3 today. So far so good. We didn't have to wait long on a room today, it could have had something to do with the fact that Stanton found a drum and was marching around singing and drumming. We decided that he must have had plenty of rest yesterday because he has been a live wire today. I wish I had a tape recorder all of the time because he has been hilarious today.

After chemo we decided to try to find something fun to do so Stanton decided we would go to the park. It just so happened Zoie got out of the hospital today so off to the park we go.

Our neighbor here at the Ronald McDonald House is Samantha. Today is her 10th birthday. (Happy Birthday Samantha) As usual Stanton has taken to her, he seems to like the girls, so he made her a sign for her door. She also had a birthday party tonight which was a lot of fun. This little girl is amazing as are all of these kids. Her mom could not be here today because of some obligations with another sibling at home so her Nana is here and did her party, you would have never known by looking at her. She has the best personality. I could learn a lot from her, as I think a lot of us could.

Gary, Sarah, Walker and Whittney are on there way up tonight so we are excited as always to see family from home. We are looking forward to a fun day tomorrow.

Special prayer request: We have decided for several reasons that Jeff is going to go home and work some the next couple of weeks (that is if we can get through mommy and Stanton meltdown). My mom will be here tomorrow for relief but this is going to be very difficult on all of us as we have always been here together. Pray for strength for Jeff, Stanton and I during this transition.

Hebrews 11:1
What is faith? It is the confident assurance that something we want is going to happen. It is the certainty that what we hope for is waiting for us, even though we cannot see it up ahead.

Only by His Grace
Tina

Thursday, June 3, 2004 9:21 PM CDT

First of all what you have all been waiting on. Stanton's CT showed a slight improvement and his MIBG was unchanged. The doctor assured us he was pleased with the results. Therefore we are scheduled to start round 3 of chemo tomorrow. Dr. Furman said we would not scan until after round 4 until he saw the look on my face. We compormised and he will have a bone marrow biopsy after this round.

There was a silly string war at the hospital today. I don't know how much silly string they had but it was a bunch. I used 3 cans and Jeff and Stanton used asa many. Stanton had a blast. I decided they needed to do this for the parents about once a month for stress relief. They also had a dunking booth manned by some of the staff. Miss Amy, I am sorry I couldn't control Jeff.

As I opened my mothers devotional this morning a quote caught my attention: "As a mother, my job is to take care of the possible and trust God with the impossible." Well needless to say I thought about this all day. I think as a mother this concept is very hard to grasp because I want to do everything for my children. I began to think about all of the "possibles" that I could do for my children and thought I would share a few with you. 1)A christian home-Jeff and I are responsible for teaching Hayden and Stanton to put God first in their lives and to see us living this daily. 2) Unconditional love-Hayden and Stanton need to know that there is nothing they can do that will ever cause me to stop loving them. 3) Time-I can give them all of the materialistic things in the world but nothing is more valuable than my time. I have to often said "wait a minute" or "I am busy now". These days those times are few and far between. 4) Comfort-I have a shoulder to cry on, a hand to hold, a lap to climb into and an ear to listen. These are just a few of the "possibles" that I , as a mother can take care of. I promise to leave the rest up to God. This trust in God is what has gotten me through the past year. As I look back at my list I see the things that God does for me. He loves me unconditionaly, is always there for me, and has often let me cry on his shoulder, hold his hand, or crawl into his lap. What an AWESOME GOD!

Psalm 9:10
Those who know your name will trust in you, for you, Lord have never forsaken those who seek you.

Please continue to keep praying for Stanton and all of his friends here at St. Jude. The list gets longer every day. For all of you that have continued to offer words of encouragement in the guestbook, sent mail, email or called thank you so much for hanging in there with us. We love you all.

In His Arms
Tina

Wednesday, June 2, 2004 5:56 PM CDT

The weather looks like it is going to be bad so I am updating early. First of all we had a change of plans, they found a spot for him in MIBG so he did not have the bone marrow biopsies today. He had the CT of his head and will have the MIBG tomorrow. We should have some results by tomorrow afternoon. He has started with the runny nose and cough but other than that he feels good.

We have again learned about a family from Monroe that came here yesterday (Thanks Chuck for calling and letting us know). There son is 2 and they don't have a definitive diagnosis yet. As I talked to Chuck about this family I was overwhelmed with emotion as I can remember so vividly those first few days. I at that time never thought I would be able to pull it together much less talk to another family. I visited with Stacy (Jakes mom) today and she is still in the first stages of accepting this new life. I once again have clearly seen a purpose for my being here. I hope to be able to help this family and any other new family with anything. The little boys name is Jake and he needs your prayers.

We also need some special prayers for a little girl named Christal. They are very good friends of the Hampton's and were part of our relapse week. Chris (her mom) opened her arms, heart and ears to us that week. They found yesterday a tumor that looks like it has returned. She has ependymoma. They are here by themselves and I was happy to be there for them last night.

Thanks for all the continued, prayers, love and support.

Only by His Grace
Tina

Tuesday, June 1, 2004 8:51 AM CDT

Okay, there is no excuse for no update since we are back in Memphis, so an early morning update it will be. First of all we had a great trip home. To all of you who made it so special, thanks so much. A special thanks to Gary and Sarah for having Hayden to spend the night. I think it made us leaving a little easier on him. Going home is always so much fun, but you also get to taste a little of what you are missing out on. Back in reality Stanton is doing good and was very happy to see Zoie waiting for him. She helped to make his trip back easier.

Stanton will have lab work today and a bone marrow biopsy and CT scan tomorrow. We should know by Thursday if he will start chemo again on Friday. There are many activities scheduled at the hospital this week so it should be a fun week for him.

Our Sunday School lesson was on prayer and how we want God to answer our prayers. I often have to stop and realize that although I am praying and being very specific as to what I want, what God wants for me may not be the same thing. Sometimes we want one thing and God has much greater plans for us. So please remember as you are praying not to get discouraged because God doesn't appear to be answering your prayers, he will always answer our prayers but they will be answered according to his will. God has great things in store for Stanton and our family. Our prayer is for the strength to face each new challenge that he places in front of us and to use the challenge to glorify His name.

Please continue to remember Stanton in your prayers this week, especially tomorrow as it will be a long day for him. Pray for Jeff and I as the anxiety level can get a little high during scan week. Pray for Dr. Furman as he continues to make decisions regarding Stanton's treatment. Continue to pray for all of our St. Jude family and friends as they each face challeges of their own.

Looking up to the "SON"
Tina

Saturday, May 29, 2004 9:57 PM CDT

Today was a good day. Once again weinie (my daddy) took Stanton for the day to play and throw rocks in the water. This gave Jeff the chance to go to work, and me and mom the day to have a girls day. Mom-you continue to spoil me. Thanks for a great day. Please don't worry about me I am going to be okay. I love you. Tonight we had supper with O.H. and Debbie. The steaks were great as was the company. We don't always get to spend a lot of time there when we come home. Stanton actually ate his steak but we had to tell him it was buffalo.

Once again we have settled into a normal routine. It is so nice to be able to escape from reality if even for a short time. Stanton continues to amaze me with how well he adapts and how much he understands. He understands way more than we give him credit for.

My devotional for today talked about the faith a child has in his parents. I can remember watching Stanton when he was a baby. He wasn't afraid of anything. Jeff or I would be there to catch him if he jumped and would pick him up if he fell. I wish I could say that I was not afraid of anything. I know that I can give these fears to God and he will provide and has provided a sense of peace. I know that I have been knocked down many times but God has picked me back up. How awesome it feels that I know no matter what I have the strength of my Heavenly Father to catch me or pick me up. I can't imagine going through this whole ordeal without my faith in God and his power. Even in the darkest hour I can turn to him. He never gets tired of listening.

Please keep the prayers coming for Stanton and all of his St. Jude friends.

Only by His Grace
Tina

Friday, May 28, 2004 9:32 PM CDT

There is not much to report today. Stanton is enjoying being home. Jeff and I worked and pretended to live a normal life. Stanton woke up this morning yelling for Nanny Kay. I know that they played for 2 days and it was whatever Stanton wanted Stanton got. We love you Nanny Kay. You are definately one of the blessings in our life. You make coming home so easy.

I started the day kind of slow this morning, I guess just a continuation of mommy meltdown from yesterday. But right of the bat I found someone to talk to who actually listened to me and reminded me that I am not superwoman and some of my feelings are to be expected. For that
someone, you know who you are and you will never know how much just talking helped.

After my meltdown I continued to reflect on everything that I had to be thankful for so guess what, I am going to continue to share them with you. We have been blessed with some of the best friends anyone could ever have. Mamaw and Papaw Kennedy-You know you are so much more than friends. You are our family and we love you. Thanks for continuing to check on us regularly and for all of your support. Mr.Matt and Mrs. Ruth-I could never write enough Thank you's for all you have done for us this past year and a half. Thanks for adopting as one of yours. Bill/Angela-We will always love you guys. Once again Angela you rescued me from the begining of this journey by coming to help pack and clean. Thanks Michelle also! Bee and Scotty-Last year would not have been possible without you guys. We love you! Lori R.-what can I say except thank you. You keep on hanging on. Your neverending support means so much. Don-thanks for reminding me that I am only human. I hate to admit that you are right. Laurie-the pie was wonderful. I won't get to mushy so thanks! Sally-your ear today meant the world. Thanks for listening. Mr. Smith-You know the words to say thanks would take all night to read. Hope you are having a great weekend. I could never thank everyone who means so much because we are blessed to be surrounded and loved by so many. So to all of you-thank you, your support and love keeps us going.

I have a special story and a special blessing to tell. Last year I started a scrapbook during a class at St. Jude's. Well for those of you who know me I am not domesticated or crafty but I really enjoyed the company. It was a very neat idea and when I came home I had 4 completed pages and a million pictures. I began a search for someone to finish this very special project for me. I found a creative memories consultant on the internet and emailed her. She had never done anything like this before but of course our story was one she couldn't turn down. We met and I again was reminded that nothing in this life is a coincidence. First of all a little boy that looked just like Stanton did before he got sick rounded the corner and grinned at me. The match was perfect and she wanted to know the whole story behind each and every picture. I knew she was going to do a great job. I picked up some of the pages from her today and they are AWESOME!!!!!!!!! You would have thought she was with us in how she arranged the pictures. Holli-I could never possibly pay you the value of this book. It is great and I have enjoyed looking back at the pictures. It is hard to believe that we are reliving some of them. Thank you for becoming a very special person in my life.

I may not journal tomorrow so please don't be disappointed. But you never know. Please continue to keep the prayers coming for Stanton, Zoie, Emma Grace, Ben, Dalton and all of the children facing this dreaded disease.

Love
Tina

Thursday, May 27, 2004 10:30 PM CDT

I promised an update so here it is and you probably ought to sit down because it has just been one of those days. Don't get me wrong, I love being home, but like Trish said today, sometimes I feel like I just want to hide, sit in the dark, crawl in a hole, just escape from reality.

Being home I begin to realize what I am missing being gone all of the time. I miss sleeping in my on bed, I miss being at the ballpark, I miss spending time with my family and friends, I miss my job (for those of you who know me you won't find this unusual because I love what I do and who I work with) and most of all I miss being normal. I know normal is defined in many ways and in some ways you can say our way of life has become "normal". I have accepted this new life and find it challenging yet rewarding in so many ways, but I can't say that I wish it weren't different. I continue to grow as a christian, wife, mother (although being home I am reminded that maybe from Hayden's end I could do this better), sister, daughter and friend (although with some I think I am struggling in this area as well). I continue on this journey looking toward the "Son" as a good friend always reminds me to do (Thanks Casey). For all of you reading this who might take some of these things for granted I again remind you to stop and thank God for your blessings and be sure to tell all of your family and friends how much they mean to you. None of us are guaranteed a tomorrow.

Even though our journey has been rough to say the least, I have so much to be thankful for and since I have whined the first part of this entry you will get to hear my blessings this half. I am blessed with 2 beautiful children. I am not sure how God found me worthy of these great kids but each is special in his on way. Hayden-hang in there. I know this has been so tough on you but you continue to make me proud. Stanton-you continue to amaze me with your courage and strength. Even on my worst day you can do something that can make me smile. I am blessed to have a husband who I love with all of my heart. Jeff-you are my very best friend and I cannot imagine going through this without you. Thank you for being so strong when you see me falling apart. I am blessed to have a loving family that lives close and loves me regardless of my faults. Mom-You are the best (even though I give you a hard time). Daddy-what can I say, I will always be a daddy's girl. I know it is hard on you not being able to fix this problem but know that in my eyes you can still fix anything. I love you. Jamie-Who would have ever thought I would call you my friend? You keep hanging on with me and you will never know how much it means. I am blessed to have great nieces and a nephew. Heather, Hollan, Coltan, Mary Claire and Elynn Kate-you all are the apples of my eyes. I love you all. I am blessed to have great in-laws. O.H. and Debbie-You're never ending support means so much. We can always count on a voicemail when we get back from the hospital. I couldn't have asked for better in-laws. I love you both. Dakota-I really don't consider you an in-law as you might as well be my brother. I am so proud of all you have accomplished. I love you! Hank and Dana-You guys are great. Your daily calls mean so much. You let us know that we are not forgotten. I could go on and on about family but I think you get the point. I am blessed to have a job that I love and employees and coworkers that are some of my very best friends. Brenda, Joyce, Melody, Eleanor, and Leslie-you guys mean the world to me. Keep up the good work. For the rest of you at Brentwood thanks for hanging in there with me and keeping the prayers coming. I have decided that I will finish with the rest of my blessings tomorrow as this could go on for days and I am sure you are wondering about T-Ball.

Stanton did get to play T-Ball tonight, or he was a designated hitter. He would bat, run the bases and then go with weinie to slide until it was time to at again. Playing in the field was just to boring for him.

I will end with a new song that I heard tonight and I don't know the name but will be finding out. It talks about the question "Why" (a question I have asked often this past year) The chorus says "I won't let go of the unseen hand, because he knows the reason why" He does know the reason why and I will continue holding onto his hand as he guides me through each day.

Holding His Hand
Tina

Thursday, May 27, 2004 1:18 PM CDT

I just wanted to let everyone know that we are not missing in action. We got a break to go home for the weekend so yesterday was a busy day of travel. Therefore, mom couldn't even say much about my lack of an update. I will update more later. Stanton will be playing T-Ball again tonight at 7:15.

Only by His Strength
Tina

Tuesday, May 25, 2004 9:25 PM CDT

It has been another one of those memorable days. I can't even explain the memories being made and how special they are. We are capturing as much on camera as possible but there are some that will not need pictures to be remembered. Trish and Emma Grace had to fly home tonight so we made the most of today. It started with Emma Grace once again entertaining us in the medicine room. Then there was a Putt Putt course set up on the lawn at St. Jude. This was to kick off the Fed Ex Classic which is a PGA tournament to benefit St. Jude. Well let me tell you, there must not be a golf course within miles and miles of Lincoln, Arkansas-Emma Grace cannot hit a golf ball but she sure was cute trying. We then came back to the "Donald House" and picked up Travis, Chastity and Zoie and went to eat. Well even eating with Stanton and Emma Grace is an adventure. They are worse than brother and sister, arguing one minute and hugging the next. We then went on a trolley ride around downtown. We decided we had not had enough fun so we decided to go to a glow in the dark putt putt. (All of these things are free to St. Jude patients. Memphis really goes all out for these kids). This was a blast. Weinie you better watch out because Stanton actually has gotten pretty good at Putt Putt and this is soemthing you will have to do your next visit.

After all of the fun was over we had a little relaxing at the Donald House before Trish and Emma Grace had to go to the airport. We hate to see them leave as usual but are so glad they get to go home. We love you guys and thanks as usual for all of the fun. You can take a terrible day and make it terrific.

I also want to thank everyone for signing the guestbook. Your entries are wonderful and make me sound so much better than I am. I want you all to know that each journal entry is written straight from the heart, which is why some days are not as good as others. I spend a little quiet time (as quiet as it can get in one room) each day reading from several different books that have been shared with me. My favorite one for the moment is "The Heart of a Mother" this is a collection of stories from several authors about how their mothers inspired them to be more like God and set Godly examples. This book was shared with me by another neuroblastoma warrior parent. Thanks Candice, I have truly enjoyed this book spending time laughing and crying. You can visit her childs website at www.caringbridge.org/il/zoejowolsfeld.

So as usual I am going to share some of what has touched me in this book the last couple of days. One mother was reminded that what we may think is the worst that could happen we will one day see as the awesome reason for the uniqueness in our lives and family. Okay, I could surely relate to that statement. I can already see the difference in myself and my family as a result of this difficult situation. Yes, I hate that this is what it took for me to grow but I am thankful that I have God on my side helping me to grow. The verses that relate to this are James 1:2-4

"Dear brothers, is your life full of difficulties and temptations? Then be happy, for when the way is rough your patience has a chance to grow. So let it grow, and don't try to squirm out of your problems. For when your patience is finally in full bloom, then you will be ready for anything, strong in character, full and complete."

I think I have mentioned before that patience is not one of my better qualities but something that is definately growing. This journey is one that we have had to be patient and trust in God with all of our heart to take care of our baby.

Another story in the book talks about our lives being a journey/adventure with God. Although things have not turned out as we would have ever imagined them, we can look back and see how we have changed and grown. "Journeying with God is an adventure that will last a lifetime- and beyond.

A couple of special prayer requests for tonight. A little girl named Samantha will be hearing tomorrow if the chemo she is taking is helping with her very rare form of cancer. And a little infant (I am ashamed to say that I don't know his name, but his parents are precious) who has retinoblastoma but seems to have something else going on will find out the results of his bone marrow biopsies. You can never imagine the stress and anxiety of waiting on these kind of results until you have been there. Also Zoe that I mentioned her website earlier is here for her 9 month scans.

Again, thanks for all of the words of encouragement in the guestbook. I love to hear that people are still checking on us. We love you all!

Only by His Grace
Tina

Monday, May 24, 2004 9:49 PM CDT

Well today has been one of those up and down days for me. We met with the doctor today and he really didn't tell us anything that I should have been surprised about, but he did say that the "unofficial" results are that Hayden is not a bone marrow match. This is one of those things that I had prayed so hard for but I also asked that God's will be done. Obviously God has other plans for us. Stanton will be discussed at the Bone Marrow meeting on Wed. I don't know if they will know then if there is a donor on the national registry that will match or not. I know a transplant is a little more difficult with an unrelated donor. Hayden I want you to know that we are so proud of you for being willing to do whatever it takes for your little brother. We love you! I guess reality just continued to set in as to why I was down some of the day. I wish I could explain the helplessness that you feel as a mother when your child is so sick and you can't fix it. I know that we are doing what is best for him and God continues to guide our journey. It is my belief in him and his power that makes some days bearable. I cannot begin to imagine going through this journey without God's arms wrapped around me at all times.

The good thing is that I can always go to my St. Jude family to lift my spirits. Emma Grace stayed in the medicine room with us while Stanton got his chemo. Well anywhere that Emma Grace is there is plenty to laugh about. We went on to have lunch which was a 3 ring circus of course. Then we had decided to do a photo shoot of Zoie, Stanton and Emma Grace. I asked for volunteers to help but can you believe no one volunteered. The kids did great and Ann Margaret got some great shots. I can't wait to see the pictures. Stanton looked like "the man" with his women on each side.

My next big up for the day was a couple of my good friends from work were in Nashville on business and drove down to see me. Diane and Lori, you can't know how much it meant for you to drive so far for such a short but much needed visit. We actually went for a girls supper out and invited Trish. Jeff, the wonderful husband and man that he is volunteered to keep the kids. For his few faults he makes up for in the good things. Trish-I hate so much of supper centered around business, but that is what I do best and I miss it so much.

To top the night off, Trish, Chastity, Zoie, Emma Grace, Stanton and I went on a horse carriage ride. When I mention memories that will last a lifetime, tonight was one of those times. There are times etched in my memory of the time these kids spent together today that nothing can erase. I wish I could explain the bond that these kids have, but I don't think that even I understand it.

I end tonights journal with the Serenity Prayer that I think of and pray often:

God grant me the serenity
to accept the things I
cannot change, the courage
to change the things I can,
and the wisdom to know the difference.

Thank you all again for your continued love and support. We love you all.

Only by His Grace
Tina

Sunday, May 23, 2004 10:15 PM CDT

Today was another day of chemo. You can imagine how the days begin to run together when you are up here. I have to keep a calendar posted so that I know what day of the week it is.

Stanton continues to feel pretty good. We had somewhat of a family reunion tonight as Trish and Emma Grace are back in town. No, she hasn't changed a bit, we laughed the whole time she was here. Thanks Emma Grace for just being you. We had supper with Chastity, Travis, Zoie, Jane, Calvin, Trish and Emma Grace. Thanks Jane for cooking tonight, it is not often we get a home cooked meal as you know domestication is really not me (as do all of you who know me). I was going to take a little credit as I did turn on the oven and put one of the chickens in but that was about it.

We have 2 more days of chemo. We will meet with Dr. Furman tomorrow and maybe get an idea of where we go from here and when our next scans will be.

I heard the baby dedication was nice this morning. Yes, I did have a trick up my sleeve. Thank you Mrs. Mary for letting Jamie know that I was there with all my heart. Jamie-I think you know how much I wish I could have been there and how much I miss your children. I love you. Dean-I heard your song was beautiful. It is one of my favorites I wish I could have been there to hear it.

Thank you to everyone for continuing to keep up with us as I know it is difficult because I have a hard time keeping up with us.

Only by his Grace
Tina

Saturday, May 22, 2004 10:01 PM CDT

Well today was an up and down day. Hayden, Mom, Dad and Mary Claire all were here. It is always great to see them but is so hard when they have to go. Thank you mom and dad for the quick trip, I know it is not an easy drive to make in 2 days but you being here lifts my spirits so. You both will never know how much all of your support means to me. The reason for the quick trip is that my youngest niece is getting dedicated at church in the morning. Elynn Kate-I love you more than you will ever know. I am so sorry that I have not been able to be more a part of your life. I just hope that your mother has not done so much damage that I won't be able to fix it by the time we do get some quality time together. Jamie-Know that I am at the dedication with all of my heart!

There is a ministry called the Lauren King Ministry that comes to the Ronald McDonald House once a month and cooks and has a fellowship time. These are such special people and each and every one touch so many lives. Larron and Anita-you are 2 very special people. Thank you for all that you do for those of us so far from home. There is a lady that sings during supper named Shelia. One time last year she sang a song that just brought me to tears as it just came at the right time. She had given me a copy of the song and I just love it. In fact I had hoped to try to get Todd to find someone to sing it in church, but I was waiting on a time when I wouldn't cry and it doesn't appear that will ever happen. The song is called "God Will Make This Trial a Blessing" and of course I am going to give you the lyrics of the chorus and one verse:

God will make this trial a blessing
Though it sends me to my knees
Tho' my tears flow like a river
Yet in him there's sweet relief
There's no need to get discouraged
There's no need to talk defeat
God will make this trial a blesing
And the whole wide world will see

I was not the first one
To come into this place
You see every child of God
This test he must face
It is here that God will mold you
And make you what you ought to be
God will make this trial a blessing
Just be patient you will see

I absolutely love this song and what it says. We have been through the trials this past year. I can see the blessings that have come from these trials and know that there are more blessings to come. I also truly believed God has molded me during this journey and continues to mold me through each trial. Sometimes the "being patient" part is the one I have trouble with.

I continue to ask everyone to pray for Zoie and her family. I cannot imagine being in their shoes and feel blessed that God has led us to this family. I pray that I am able to offer them the strength that they need from me during this difficult time.

Thank you all for your continued support!

Only by His Grace
Tina

Friday, May 21, 2004 2:20 PM CDT

You are getting an early journal entry today because Hayden, mother, daddy and Mary Claire are on the way up to see us and I want to spend as much time as possible with them. Our day was again pretty boring as St. Jude days go. He got his lab drawn (results all still look good) and then he got his chemo. Our little friend Ben was getting his central lines put back in today so we went and waited in the surgery waiting room with his mom and dad. Ben will be starting chemo again next week.

We headed down to pick up all the supplies that we had ordered and got all the way to the car and realized the white silkie was gone. For those of you who don't know Stanton has 2 silkies that he has for comfort and the white one is his favorite. We tried not to make a big deal so that he wouldn't panic and I headed back to trace our path. I had just about given up when Travis,Zoie's daddy is waving at me down the hall. I was starting into my sob story about how we had lost the silkie when he pulled it out of his pocket. They had walked by and found it on the floor and recognized it. Yes, God does put people where we need them the most. Not many people would have even realized what this nasty looking piece of material was much less picked it up. Travis you are my most favorite person of the day!

I know I go on and on about enjoying every moment and today I received an email from a very special friend of mine at work. Lori-You are such a special person and have so much to offer. I am so thankful that you are one of my very best friends and that I can call you anytime just for you to listen. You will never know how much your shoulder means to me. I hope you know that I will always be here for you. This is the email (It is a letter from an 83 year old lady to a friend).

Dear Bertha,

I'm reading more and dusting less. I'm sitting in the yard and admiring the view without fussing about the weeds in the garden. I'm spending more time with my family and friends, ... and less time working.

Whenever possible, life should be a pattern of experiences to savor, ... not to endure. I'm trying to recognize these moments now and cherish them.

I'm not "saving" anything. We use our good china and crystal for every special event, such as losing a pound, getting the sink unstopped, or the first Amaryllis blossom.

I wear my good blazer to the market. My theory is that if I look prosperous, I can shell out $28.49 for one small bag of groceries. I'm not saving my good perfume for special parties, but wearing it for clerks in the hardware store and tellers at the bank.

"Someday" and "one of these days" are losing their grip on my vocabulary. If it's worth seeing, hearing or doing, ... I want to see, hear and do it, now!

I'm not sure what others would've done had they known they wouldn't be here for the "tomorrow" we all take for granted. I think they would have called family members and a few close friends. They might have called a few former friends to apologize and mend fences for past squabbles. I like to think they would have gone out for a Chinese dinner or for whatever their favorite food was. I'm guessing, ... because I'll never know.

It's those little things left undone that would make me angry, if I knew my hours were limited. Angry because I hadn't written certain letters, that I intended to write "one of these days." Angry and sorry that I didn't tell my husband and parents often enough how much I truly love them.

I'm trying very hard not to put off, hold back, or save anything that would add laughter and luster to our lives. And every morning when I open my eyes, I tell myself it's special. Every day, ... every minute, ... and every breath is truly a special gift from God.

I think this sums up what I have spent several journal entries trying to get across. I can say that that each day is special for me and that I know that each and every day is a gift from God and I am truly thankful.

People say "True friends must always hold hands," ... but true friends don't need to hold hands because they know the other hand will always be there."

I am so lucky to have so many true friends. Thank you to all of you, you know who you are.

Tina

Life may not be the party we hoped for, ...
but while we're here, ... we might as well dance.

Thursday, May 20, 2004 2:48 PM CDT

Okay, since yesterdays entry was so long I will try to keep this short (Jeff would say "yeah right).

First of all I am writing so early to brag a little bit. I am so proud of Stanton and I want to share. He has a radiation simulation of his head scheduled for today. What this consists of is a series of CT scans followed by them taking this wet plastic mesh thing and putting it on his face to make a mold. This was to be done under sedation so no big deal. Well, the doctor asked if we thought he would do it without the sedation and we decided he could try not really knowing what we were getting into. He had been doing CT's without sedation since last January. So we go in and get Stanton all excited about making a "spiderman mask" and how special he is. They get his situated to start the scan and then they say "mom and dad you can leave now". This could be a little problem as he has never done any scans without us there and generally doesn't go far from us no matter what. Well he didn't say a word and laid there so big. The only problem was that he would follow the laser light. They went back in (they were convinced he could do this) and put a piece of tape on his head holding it down and gave him a smiley face to watch. This worked and he laid very still. To this point we were amazed but nothing like the next 30 minutes (the whole process took almost an hour). They let me go back in with him while they put the plastic mesh on his face. He did not move and did everything they told him to do. I, being the claustrophobic I am was getting a little nervous but he did great. Once this mask is on he can move very little and it kind of looks like a cage for his head. He laid in the room like this while they did more scans for about 30 minutes. He amazed everyone as they could not remember a patient that young doing this simulation without sedation. Go Stanton!!!!!!!!!! You continue to make me the proudest mommy ever.

Now for my small lecture for the day. I encourage everyone no matter what your situation or how well your life is going to stop and savor every minute, especially with your kids. DO NOT take today for granite as we are never promised a tomorrow. This is a hard lesson that I have learned. I know at one point my life was moving so fast and I wasn't worried because there was always tomorrow. Reality has set in for me again this week and I am reminded that in some cases tomorrow never comes. Stop when your children need something, let them make a mess (it can always be cleaned up), there is nothing wrong with them sleeping in your bed (some of my best memories come from when Stanton is laying beside me talking) and have as much fun as possible!

Only by his Grace
Tina

Wednesday, May 19, 2004 9:54 PM CDT

Okay, as my good friend Trish would say you probably ought to sit down and prop up your feet as this might take a while. I am sure you have figured by my last few entries that I have not quite been myself the past few days. I can't pinpoint the problem but I have a lot on my mind so I am going to use todays journal to relieve some of the pressure.

First things first, Stanton's day was good. It started off with a Target party at the hospital. Target Corporation is a huge supporter of St. Jude and they have a party once a quarter that is a blast for the kids. There are games, toys and just lots of fun. Then we headed off to a pinic with Mrs. Sarah. We had a great afternoon and he and the newly Mrs. Sarah had some special time. He did decide that he would go play baseball with Mr. David some day. (Baby steps Mr. David).

Although the afternoon was wonderful, it was shadowed by some bad news. Our friend Zoie got test results today that were the last thing that we wanted to hear. Her cancer has spread to her liver and her bone marrow. Zoie received so much chemo her original go round that the doctors are pretty limited as to her options. They are going to start an oral chemo tonight and radiation to the head and liver as soon as possible. Having been through this so recently this really hit us hard. These kids become part of our family. Chastity, Travis and Zoie-Our promise to you is that we will be her for you whenever you need us. We will do whatever you need all you have to do is ask. We love you guys!

Now to redeem myself for my Jeff comments last night. He knew that I was not the strong one in this situation, so when we got Stanton to sleep he went back to the hospital to be with Travis and Chastity. As hard as it is to live with someone 24/7 I cannot imagine going through this with anyone else. Jeff-You are my very best friend in the entire world. You have never let me down and I know there are many dads who could not have done what you have the past year. Sorry I get so hard to live with. I love you with all of my heart. I would have never made this journey without you every step of the way.

Okay, as the days have been hard I have spent much quiet time with God trying to make sense out of all of this. Right before we came back for treatment our church had just finished the 40 Days of Purpose based on the Purpose Driven Life Book. As we did this study I thought how much I could relate after what we had just been through. Well, now I am finding myself turning back to this book through our new journey. One of the chapters I went back to today was putting all of our trust in God. Psalm 147:11 says "He takes pleasure in those that honor him; in those who trust in his constant love". How powerful! God loves me always but he wants me to trust him completely. There is a billboard on Youree Dr. that if you live in the area you have seen. It makes me stop a minute every time I see it. If you ever begin to doubt how much God loves you, just picture Christ with his arms outstretched on the cross, saying "I love you this much". This was God's son. He let him go through all of the plan for a reason. I think that this is the hardest part for anyone going through these circumstances to understand. God has the power to do anything. We often spend hours praying for many different things. I look back now at some of the things I have prayed for and how trivial they seem now. God hears all of our prayers and answers all of our prayers. The hard part is that his answers aren't always our answers. The night before Jesus was crucified he cried out to God "Father," he said "everything is possible for you. Take this cup from me. Yet not what I will, but what you will." This is the absolute hardest prayer you can pray as a parent when your child is involved. I pray it daily. I also remind God what I want but pray for strength for me to accept his will. All of our problems, pain, sickeness and circumstances are needed to fulfill our purpose that God has for us and to bring glory to him. One of my favorite statements from the Purpose Driven Life Book is "Don't be afraid; nothing under his control can ever be out of control". Boy did I need to read that statement this week. Thank you Brother Wayne and all who made possible the 40 days of Purpose. It touched me and continues to touch my life in new ways each step of this journey.

I know I have a few hard challenges in front of me. I will continue to look to God for the strength and the wisdom that I will need. Please remember that these journal entries are not prewriten and are written straight from the heart, so excuse any spelling errors (as Jeff often reminds me there are many) and grammatical errors (I apologize mom). Thank you for your continued prayers and support. We love you all!

Only By His Grace
Tina

Okay, I forgot to mention the deal with the radiation simulation. This wil be done tomorrow but not to start radiation soon. Dr. Krasin just wants to be prepared if for some reason this spot on his eye decided to get bigger. We are not expecting this, but if we go on and do the simulation he will be ready to do emergency radiation if necessary. Our doctors here are the best. Dr. Furman and Dr. Krasin-We know you want what is best for Stanton and are so thankful for the both of you. I can't mention the doctors without mentioning Nurse Sandy-I think you know how much we love you just by the fact you have a namesake (even though it is a horse). You are the very best! Thanks for caring so much!
Special Prayer requests:
Zoie-www.caringbridge.org/la/zoie
Emma Grace-www.caringbridge.org/ar/emmagrace
Ben-another neuroblastoma friend to relapse last week
Aaron-www.caringbridge.org/il/aarondhunter

Tuesday, May 18, 2004 8:33 PM CDT

Well, another day down. We had our chemo this morning and now we get a 2 day break from the IV chemo. We also met with the radiation oncologist today to determine if radiation is going to be an option. The doctor seemed to think that he could easily radiate he eye and also wants to radiate his entire skull. He seems to think he can do this safely protecting the brain. This was so much to take in, but as we fully trust our oncologist to do what is best for Stanton we think the same of this radiation doctor. The last time we talked to him he was going to talk to Dr. Furman and see what time frame we are looking at. When we got back tonight we had a message that he has a radiation simulation scheduled for Thursday. So, we are a little confused and will have to talk to Dr. Furman tomorrow.

Again, I have had just a rough day in general. I don't know how many of you have spent 7 days a week 24 hours a day with your spouse but if you haven't just imagine it. We are beginning to get on each others nerves. As I was having a breakdown I checked my email and a great friend had sent me a verse that really hit home. Thanks Casey for hanging in there with us and keeping us in your thoughts and prayers.

Psalm 55:22

"Give your burdens to the Lord. He wil carry them. He will not permit the godly to slip and fall."

I continue each day to give all of my burdens to the Lord. I don't know how I would face each day if I didn't have him to carry the heavy weight.

Only by his Grace
Tina

Monday, May 17, 2004 8:03 PM CDT

Hey everyone who keeps coming back to check on us. Today Stanton was back to his old self. He was a little, well a lot bossy all day. He seems to still be doing well with the chemo, just a little tummy trouble. We met with Dr. Furman this morning. He said he still looks good, his labs look good, and as for the bone marrow results-the pathologists did not put a quantitative measurement on them. There was a clump of cells and Dr. Furman reminded us that he could have just missed a bigger clump of cells, but that what they had looked a little better than before. He also reminded us not to get to caught up in those numbers because he was very happy with the response of the tumor thus far. We also met with the eye doctor who said his vision was also still good. We will meet with the radiation doctor tomorrow to see if/or when they will want to radiate the tumor on the eye. I am sure we will also hear all of the side effect which I am sure will make me sick at my stomach.

Mrs Gail (AKA Motorcycle Momma)-Thank you so much for the phone call last night. It helps me to know that Mom has you for support during all of this. I know it is so hard for her being so far away. Give her lots of hugs from us.

As for me, for some reason the past couple of days I have had mommy meltdown. I just sit and look around some time and think this cannot be my life. I am so homesick. I miss Hayden, my mother and daddy, the rest of our families, especially my baby nieces and nephew(Coltan I guess you will always be my baby), my work and just my "normal" life. Momma Trish called today just in time to save a melt down (tell me she's not good) and reminded me that meltdowns are okay. Thanks again Trish!

So for my quiet time tonight I went to my shelf of books not sure of which one I wanted to go to and my God's Little Devotional Book for Moms jumped out at me. The page I opened up to seemed pretty appropriate so I would like to share a part of it with you.

James 4:10
"Humble yourselves in the sight of the Lord, and he shall lift you up"

What a subtle reminder to get on my knees and ask the Lord to help me through my meltdown. He is a God who is always there and never ever gets tired of hearing me cry out to him. The devotional also reminded me of how important it is that our children see us pray. I love to listen to Stanton say his night night prayer. Some nights they are so sweet as he remembers every member of the family and some more than once. Yes, Bee you are still on the top of the list most nights.

Another verse I came across is Nahum 1:7

"The Lord is good. When trouble comes he is the place to go! And he knows everyone who trusts in him."

I encourage all of you who read this not to wait until trouble comes to go to the Lord. He is there for the good as well as the bad and I know I have been guilty of forgetting to praise him during the good times. Stop now and first thank God for all the great things he has done in your life and then offer up a prayer for Stanton and all his friends at St. Jude's. Thank you for all the love and support, you will never know how much it means.

Only by his Love
Tina

Paul and Cheryl-Thanks for the card today. Stanton thought he was rich. He just walked around with the dollars and said "me going to the store to spend me $500." You didn't know money could grow through the mail. Your never ending suppor means so much.

Sunday, May 16, 2004 8:11 PM CDT

Today was a good day. First of all it seemed like Stanton was feeling a little better, or was more of himself than "Stanley". Dr. Phillips and Carla came by the Medicine Room to tell us bye and he would not have much to do with them but when we all left and he got in the car he had the saddest look on his face. When we asked what was wrong he said "me sad". A little further prodding and we discovered that he was sad his visitors had left. I guess it is just not Jeff and I that get tired of looking at each other, maybe he likes to see new faces to. Thanks you guys for a great weekend.

After lunch we decided to ride to Southaven and see my cousin, Shannon and her family (Todd, Cierra and Krystal). They have invited us many times and we have never had the chance to take them up on the offer so we called today and invited ourselves. It was a great afternoon just visiting and Stanton had a blast playing with Cierra. He again got sad when we had to leave. Thank you for having us into your home on the spur of the moment. Somtimes just getting away from the Ronald McDonald House gives us just the break from reality that we need.

When we got back, Stanton said "me home"! We agreed and he went on to say "me bubba there". This was certainly a surprise to me, because Hayden has been on my mind a lot the last couple of days. Once again we are missing his last day of school (not to mention his last day of junior high), his baseball season and just missing him grow up period. I know we are where we have to be and Hayden, I know you understand that we have to be here and I admire you for handling all of this so well. I don't know if I could've been so understanding. I think of this as me missing out but today Stanton reminded me that they are also missing out on each other. For 9 months now they have been separated for most of the time with an occasional visit usually shared by many. Hayden-Daddy and I love you more than you can ever imagine. You always make us so proud in all that you do. For all of you who see Hayden please stop and give him a hug and remind him that we love him as do so many of you.

I guess that is about all today. It was just a day that I needed to get some things off of my mind.

We Love you all
Tina

Saturday, May 15, 2004 5:05 PM CDT

I wanted to add to this entry. I just received a call from Mary Claire telling me all about her dance recital. The story goes that I was the reason she enrolled in dance lessons and I was in Memphis for her first recital and was much looking forward to this years recital. Well, needless to say I missed this year as well. Mary Claire-You could never know how much I love you and miss you. More than my arms can reach. I am so proud of your dancing and can't wait to see the video. I am so proud of you and I know you had the best cartwheels in your class.

Jeff and Stanton are sleeping so I thought I would do todays update. Stanton had day 2 of his chemo this morning. He seems to be a little more nauseated this time than last but I guess time will tell. We have had the pleasure of 2 very special visitors today. Dr. Phillips (Stanton's pediatrician) and her sister, Carla came all the way to Memphis to see Stanton. We enjoyed getting to show them St. Jude and the amazing place that it is. For those of you who don't know, Dr. Phillips was the doctor that referred us to St. Jude and we can not say enough of how much we think of her and how she cares so much for all of her patients. It was her persistence and love of her job that caught this beast as early as we did. God has placed many people in our paths and Dr. Phillips is one of those people and we will forever be grateful for that. Dr. Phillips-you are amazing! Thank you for all you do for my family and all of your other patients that you take such great care of. You will forever hold a special place in our hearts. Carla-We are so glad that you come with the package. You are an amazing and supportive sister. Please continue to encourage Elizabeth in all of her endeavours. Thank you both for the day, it was a blast!

Now is the time for those of you who don't want to hear me ramble can stop reading. My inspirational thought for yesterday was: 2 Corinthians 12:9

"My grace is enough for you. When you are weak my power is made perfect in you."

Verse 10 goes on to say "when I am weak, then I am strong- the less I have the more I depend on him."

During this journey I have been weak. Last January it did not take me long to realize how weak that I was. I remember vividly the exact moment when I turned to God and gave him everything that I was and everything that I had. I knew that Stanton was his child that I was given the privilege of mothering. It was that exact moment on the 2nd floor of St.Jude that I prayed and laid it all out putting Stanton in God's hands that I felt a great peace. I sometimes feel like such a failure when I can't get past the worry. This verse just helps me to see that through my weakness I am made strong.

Please continue to pray for Stanton and all of his St. Jude friends. They are all amazing warriors. Thank you all for your continued support.

Only by His Strength
Tina

Congratulations Whittney on making Varsity cheerleader. We are so proud of you. Thanks for calling us and letting us know. We love you.

Friday, May 14, 2004 7:14 PM CDT

This entry should be pretty short and sweet as there is not much to report. "Stanley" has been with us most of the day. It started when the arm band color for the day did not match his outfit (yes, he is my child). This just started his day of nothing making happy. He hasn't felt great the past couple of days. He started his 2nd round of chemo today. He has been complaining of his stomach hurting this afternoon and evening. He did feel well enough to play Bingo until he won and then he was through.

We are happy(for them)/sad(for us) to report that Trish and Emma Grace got to go home for 10 days (yes I am counting them down) this morning. The kids were so sweet last night saying goodbye. Barney may have to watch Stanton in the future because he loves to give hugs and kisses and Emma Grace welcomes them. Our afternoon was pretty boring today without our entertainer. Emma Grace we love you and will always consider you one of ours. Trish-you continue to amaze me and will always hold mom of the year honors with me. Thanks for being "the rock" that so many of us St. Jude warriors look to for strength and inspiration. We love you!

Zoie continues to make improvements. She was moved out of ICU today. I think they hope to have her back at St. Jude by the first of the week to start scans to determine if there is any more cancer anywhere.

Some of you asked about Ben, he had bone marrow biopsies early in the week and they biopsied the spot on the bone. They went home and should hear something by next week. I will let everyone know as soon as I find out.

Thank you all for your prayers for Stanton, Jeff and I, Hayden, and all of our St. Jude friends. Until you are in this situation you could never know how much the support means. Each guestbook entry, phone call, email, and mail reminds us of how much support is out there and we know that God is hearing our calls.

We love you all
Jeff, Tina and Stanton

Thursday, May 13, 2004 3:33 PM CDT

First for the news everyone has been waiting on. Stanton's test results are in. His CT of his orbits showed significant improvement of the tumor. We thought it looked smaller but it feels good to hear it for sure. The MIBG is unchanged, which is expected, we were glad to see no new spots. The bone marrow final results were not in but the preliminary seem to look better. We were pretty pleased with the results. We would have loved to hear that it was all gone, but we knew that wasn't really an option. He will start another round of the same drugs tomorrow.

Zoie ended up on a ventilator and had to have emergency surgery about 4:00 this morning. The last report I have is that she is doing good. I think Trish and I are going to try to go by and see them tonight.

For those of you who don't want to hear me vent you can stop reading now. The past few days have been extremely stressful for me. I have been faced with many challenges and many questions. God has given me the strength to face these challenges head on so bear with me. On more than one occasion the subject has come up about God giving Stanton cancer. First and foremost, God did not give Stanton cancer the first time or now. Did he allow it to happen, well I guess the answer would be yes. A good friend told me the first time Stanton was diagnosed that although we were very surprised, God was not. (Thanks Dennis Tucker)
Psalm 139:16
"You saw me before I was born and scheduled each day of my life before I began to breathe. Every day was recorded in your book."
God has a plan for Stanton's life. Although we don't understand the plan (we don't have to)we know and believe that there is one. Stanton has touched and continues to touch more lives than he will ever know. He will grow up and have an amazing story to tell. One of my biggest responsibilities as a parent is to teach him to share this story in a way that glorifies God. This is not a responsibility that I am taking lightly. I hope he will read back through this journal and see the strength of God in how I handled a very difficult situation.

I cannot imagin going through this journey without my trust and faith in God. I know that no matter what emotions I am having I can turn them all over to God and he will handle it. I am not saying that all of my prayers are answered in the way that I would like (I think the hardest part of prayer is asking that God's will be done) but I know that my prayers are being heard and answered in his time, in his way and in his place.

I know this journal has been a little lengthy but there is a song that has really meant so much to me the past few weeks. It is by Casting Crowns and is called "Who am I?"
Just a few of the lyrics:
Who am I, that the eyes that see my sin
Would look on me with love and watch me rise again
Who am I, that the voice that calmed the see
Would call out through the rain
And calm the storm in me

Not because of who I am
But because of what you've done
Not because of what I've done
But because of who you are

I am a flower quickly fading
Here today and gone tomorrow
A wave tossed in the ocean
A vapor in the wind
Still you hear me when I am calling
Lord, you catch me when I am falling
And you've told me who I am
I am yours

What an awesome God we serve that he has the time for all of us. He never tires of listening to us and he is willing to stretch out his arms and catch us when we are falling. For all of those who ask how we stay so strong, this is your answer.

Thanks for your continued love, support and prayers. We love you all. Stop now and hug your children and let them knowhow much you love them.

Only by his Grace
Tina

Wednesday, May 12, 2004 9:05 PM CDT

This journal entry is going to be a very difficult one to write. Stanton is doing well. We did not get any results of his scans today and he did pretty well considering he did not get to eat all day. He started the morning pretty puny as he was trying to get a fever. This seemed to resolve itself but he would not cooperate with the exam. His biscuits are a lot more sore than usual from the biopsy but he feels better tonight. He will have his MIBG tomorrow and hopefuly find out some results.

That is all I am going to write about us in this entry as there is another story I need to tell. For anyone who lives in Minden and saw the St. Jude auction you may have seen a very special friend of Stanton's named Zoie. She has the same disease as Stanton but had a much tougher road the first journey. We got a call late last night telling us that they would be coming back to Memphis today as they had found a tumor in her brain. As I say often, these kids are like my own so today has been especially difficult. When they got to Memphis tonight they found that the tumor was bleeding and that they would be sent to LaBonheur Childrens Hospital. She will have surgery to remove the tumor on Friday if they can get the pressure under control. If not they will do an emergency surgery. This is a very special family that we hold near and dear to our hearts. Please keep them in your prayers as this is the most difficult time in their entire lives. Zoie's parents are Travis and Chassity and they are from Lafayette. Her website is www.caringbridge.org/la/zoie. I don't think they get to update often, but I know when they do any words of encouragement will be appreciated.

I have more than once said that God has sent us on this journey for a reason and I am sure tonight being there for this family is one of those reasons. I just hope I can continue to show them the strength that God has given me and help them to understand just to trust in him. Only he holds all of the answers.

I hate this disease and I refuse to believe that we are going to let it win. We will find the cure!

Only by his Grace
Tina

Tuesday, May 11, 2004 9:48 PM CDT

Well, today has been uneventful at least in the world of medical treatment. Stanton actually had a day off from the hospital so we decided to go fishing. We also decided Emma Grace would enjoy fishing to so we waited on her to finish and off to Shelby Farms we go. It appeared that we took Stanley and Ellie May with us as they began fighting over the crickets the moment they got buckled in. Jeff the great dad that he is spent most of his fishing with a kid on each knee with fishing poles (hooks included) going everywhere. I think the funniest is when they each had a fish and he couldn't get either one to reel it in. Needless to say we had many laughs and I think the kids really had a good time. It is great to watch them get to be "normal" kids and forget about the hospital for a while. They both fell asleep on the way home and took much needed naps most of the afternoon.

I actually got the privilege of speaking at the Ronald McDonald House Board of Directors meeting tonight. I am not much of a public speaker (although I may be geting better at it) but the Ronald McDonald House is another one of those charities that I just cannot say no to. As Sherry introduced me she told them that we had stayed in the RMH a total of 227 days during the year 2003. It sure sounded like a lot longer when she put it like that. I can not imagine having to go through all that we have been through and having to worry about a roof over our heads as well. The employees at the house are very much members of our family and we have met some of the greatest friends of our lives here. Telling our story really gets no easier but I was happy to share a part of our lives with the people that make the RMH happen. Thank you all! Sherry-thank you for allowing me to tell our story I hope I didn't let you down.

We also got to meet some more very special people tonight. They are the Hampton's friends from Mississippi, MiMi Sharon, Monica and Sarah Claire. We felt like we have known them for some time as Trish is always talking about them but now we have met them in person and they are pretty cool people. Sarah Claire is precious and stole Mr. Jeff's heart! Before the night was over Stanton was even calling Sharon "mimi". It was great to meet you guys and I hope all is well with the scans and you have a safe trip home. You all will continue to be in our prayers.

Tomorrow will be a big day for us. We start at 8:00 for labs with a bone marrow aspirate and biopsy at 9:00. He will then have an injection for his MIBG at 1:00 and a CT of his orbits at 4:00. There will be a one hour window from 11:00-12:00 that he will be able to get something to eat if everything in the morning is on schedule. If not her will not be able to eat until after 5:00. That will make for a long day. Please pray that we will see improvement over the last scans so that we may proceed with the next round of chemo.

Thanks for you continued support!

Only By His Grace
Jeff, Tina and Stanton

A phone call tonight reveals that another big congratulations is in order. Dakota- We are so proud of you in all that you do! I hate we weren't there to support you more. We love you so much!!!!!!!!!!!

Monday, May 10, 2004 10:14 PM CDT

Well, we are back in Memphis safe and sound. I Hate to say it but I think we left Stanton in Minden and brought "Stanley" with us. Anyone that says these kids don't understand is highly mistaken as I am sure this personality change comes with the change of scenery. We enjoyed our few days home. It was as hard to leave as ever, but now that we are back it is the "comfort zone" and we are ready for the next round of our battle.

I just want to thank everyone that made this weekend special: Mom and Daddy- thanks for keeping Stanton and allowing us some down time. We love you. Jamie, Scotty, Mary Claire and Elynn Kate-The ballgame is something I will never forget, I hope we make it for more. Girls, lunch was great as was dance practice. It was good to get to spend time with my nieces. Mary Claire you were great dancing and I am sorry I won't be there to watch your recital. I love you more than my arms can reach! Hank, Dana, Gary and Sarah- Saturday night was great. It was nice to have adult conversation for a change without a 3 year old chiming in. The support you guys have shown means so much. We love you all. (Oh and Whitt Whitt, thanks for the tattoo, he loves it) Debbie and O.H.-thanks for all the love and support for us as well as Hayden. I know all you do makes him feel so special. I guess I should thank you for the kisses as they were about the only calories Stanton ate all weekend. Love you. Dakota-although you ditched me I will love you always.

We just had lab work and saw the doctor today. His lab work was good and the doctor said he thought he looked good. I am ready to get the scans over with. We will start Wed. We were reunited with Trish and Emma Grace today. There will always be a special bond with this family. Emma Grace is undergoing scans as well to see where they go from here.

I have another special prayer request for all of the prayer warriors. Another special neuroblastoma child has had a spot show up on his MIBG. His name is Ben and we faced this journey last year together. I have mentioned before that you come to Memphis with a couple of children and leave with many. He is undergoing more scans to see the extent of disease to determine the course of treatment. Ben is 6 an understands much more than Stanton so I ask that you pray for comfort for him as well as his mom and dad (Lynne and Barry).

This will be a big week for us as we scan and see if we start another round of treatment. Please continue to pray for Stanton and his strength and healing. Pray for comfort for Jeff and I as we patiently wait for test results.

1 Peter 5:6-7

"Humble yourselves, therefore under God's mighty hand that he may lift you up in due time. Cast all your anxiety on him because he cares for you."

This whole journey we have been able to feel God's hand lifting us up. We have accepted that this whole journey has a purpose and is part of God's plan. It is his strength that keeps us going. There are many days I pray that God will just hold my hand through the day. Many of these days I have found that he carries me as there is no other way that I could move forward. Please know that all you have to do is ask and God will carry you as well. His arms are never full.

Thanks for all who continue to call, email, mail or sign the guestbook. We love you all!

Jeff, Tina and Stanton

Big congratulations to a very special person in our life. Bill, good job on your Baseball State Championship. No one deserves it more. We love you and are so proud. Wish we could have been there.

Saturday, May 8, 2004 10:22 AM CDT

Well, as I sit here in the peace and quiet, yes I said quiet, I am wondering what to do with myself. Jeff and Hayden are fishing and my daddy took Stanton for some quality "weinie" time. I thought I would take a minute and journal although there is really not much to report. Stanton has enjoyed his time at home and yes, life seems "normal" again. I am going to enjoy every minute of it because reality will be back soon enough.

I want to wish all of the mothers reading this a happy mother's day. I got the one thing I asked for and that was to be with both of my children and my mother this year. Last year we were in Memphis and although Jeff did a great job of trying to make it special it was a hard day.

Thank you Mom for all that you do for me and my family. I know the road to raising me wasn't always easy (in fact pretty difficult most of the time) but you have never failed me and forgiven me for all of my failures. I know being with us in Memphis last year you missed out on a lot of things at home with Hayden, Mary Claire, Elynn Kate, and daddy but you will never know what it meant to me or nor will I ever be able to repay you. (Although when you get old I will be in charge of you and let Jamie take daddy) Thank you from the very bottom of my heart. I love you!

Debbie, thank you for always being there for us for anything we need. You have done so much with Hayden over the past year I could never thank you enough. Raising one teenage boy is hard enough without taking in another one. Thank you for making him feel so special. We love you!

So many people say to me "you are so strong". I don't always feel so strong, but we continue to look to God for comfort and strength. Please continue to pray for Stanton and his strength as we move forward this week in an attempt to beat this disease. Stop now and hug your kids!

With Love
Tina

Thursday, May 6, 2004 10:27 PM CDT

Okay, so those of you who know me know I couldn't wait 3 o 4 days to update.

I enjoyed my day at work today. For short time it almost seemed like my life was back and there wasn't this nightmare lurking in the background. A huge thanks to my staff at Brentwood. I know I tend to be a little bossy from 400 miles away but you guys do an amazing job at keeping the department running without me. To all of the employees of Brentwood- Throughout this whole ordeal I have had the privilege of working with some of the most amazing people I have ever worked with. Thank you all so much for the support. I hope to never have to return the favor but know that I am here if you ever need me. Mr. Smith, you are the best. I could have never made it through the last year without you. It is great to work for such a Christian man. You set the perfect example for awesome employees.

To the employees at Duke Energy (for those of you who don't know Jeff's employer)- Thank you for all of the goodies you brought by today. It looked like Christmas at ou house. The wagon is perfect. He and his pepaw/weinie will love going to the icee store to get coke icees in it. Thank you all for your support of Jeff and our family. This past year has been so long and you have all done whatever it takes to keep our spirits up.

Tonight was a very special night for Stanton. He is a ballplayer of any kind. My neice had her very first T-ball game tonight. I was pretty upset because I knew I wouldn't be here to see it. I missed her first dance recital last year which was almost as hard as missing the birth of my 2 neices so I was estactic to find out I would be home. Well, Jamie had a little something up her sleeve. She informed us that Stanton would have a jersey and hat by this afternoon and he would be on the team (even though he really isn't old enough until next year). He was so excited and actually got to bat twice. The first time he ran to the pitchers mound before he ran to first base. The second time he ran right to first. I often talk about special memories, well I will never forget the look on his face when he rounded third base and gave Scotty five as he crossed home plate while the entire stands were cheering so loud. I will say there were tears in my eyes the first time. Thank you so much Scotty and Jamie for making this night so very special. Thank you to all of the coaches and parents for being so patient.

Okay, so much for no journal for a few days. Thanks again for all you love and support.

We love you all
Jeff, Tina and Stanton

Thursday, May 6, 2004 10:10 AM CDT

Okay, I promise this entry will be short and sweet. I thought all of you checking in would want to know that we got a chance to make a trip home this weekend. We got home last night and Stanton had a blast. Jeff and I are both working the next couple of days, preparing to go back to Memphis on Sunday. He will have repeat scans and hopefully start another round of chemo on Thursday. I will probably not update much while we are at home so expect a lengthy entry on our return to Memphis.

We love you all
Jeff, Tina and Stanton

Tuesday, May 4, 2004 4:10 PM CDT

Well this entry should be short and sweet as today has been pretty boring. Stanton finished this round of chemo this morning. He is still feeling pretty good, altough "Stanley" has reared his ugly head several times today. It is always associated with Stanton not getting his way. For those of you who have been down this road you will understand how hard boundaries are to set and keep. Especially when there weren't many boundaries before he got sick.

I want to say a special thank you to Aunt Sarah, Uncle Gary, Walker and Whittney. They have made sure that when the post office forgets to deliver mail to Stanton that we have a back-up system. You saved a complete melt down today. The volunteers at the Ronald McDonald House now know just how rotten he is. Thanks you guys for all you do to help make this journey a little easier.

I also have enjoyed all the favorite verses that have been shared during this journey. I spent time last night reading each one and marking them in my bible. All of these verses gave me great strength and a reminder that all of life's journey are part of God's ultimate plan. My Bible also has a section of verses to memorize each day of the year. I decided to look up the verse for April 15. I wanted to share it with you-

Don't you understand? Don't you know by now that the everlasting God, the creator of the farthest parts of the earth never grows faint and weary? No one can fathom the depths of his understanding. He gives power to the tired and worn out, and strength to the weak.
Isiah 40:28-29

Thank you Lord for never getting tired of listening to me and my problems. Thank you for giving me the strength to face each day no matter how hard. I am so glad the he never gets tired of listening to us.

I thought this verse was so very appropriate as there are so many days when Jeff and I are so tired, but still have trouble sleeping and somehow manage to find he energy to keep pushing forward.

It appears that Cruisin for A Cure was a big succcess. $10,000 for St. Jude. Thank you Schelly Brown and for all who contributed to making this weekend a success. I look forward to being a part of it next year.

Please continue to keep Stanton and all these St. Jude children in your prayers.

We love you all
Jeff, Tina and Stanton

I forgot to mention that this is Nurses week. I want to say a special thank you to Sandy, our Nurse Practitioner, you will never know how much your caring means to us. For all of our St. Jude nurses- I could never name you all, you are AWESOME! Thank you for the great work you do taking care of our precious children. Have a great week!

Monday, May 3, 2004 9:59 AM CDT

I just read my last entry and realized than I rambled quite a lot, so I apologize in advance but I am sure this entry will be much the same.

Stanton is in the medicine room getting his chemo for the day. We met with the doctor this morning and he thinks he looks good. His lab work all came back good. He had lost a little more weight but not enough to be concerned about at this point. He has felt pretty good the last couple of days but has had his bouts of both vomiting and diarrhea but they are both controlled with medicine.

The wedding was wonderful, and as expected Sarah was beautiful. Stanton did pretty good and "Stanley" didn't surface once. He did get a little jealous when Sarah and David had their first dance, but got over it when she blew him a kiss and he was able to get a hug. Congratulations Sarah and David on your new life together. We wish you the best of luck.

We have also enjoyed spending more time with Emma Grace this weekend. She is great for anyday as she can make you smile no matter how down you feel. Her daddy, Barney was here on Saturday which gave Jeff some male companionship which was much needed. Thanks Barney! Trish and Emma Grace will be going home this afternoon until next week. We will miss them but are very glad they are getting to go home.

I continue to struggle with the whole why has this happened again thing. I know that there is a purpose for this journey and can only pray that I find the purpose God has and fulfill that purpose. I am slowly weaning back into the reality of this life that we had once gotten used to but on the other hand had placed it in the back of my mind as memories past.

I continue to find things each day to thank God for as though or road has been a little rocky (well maybe a lot rocky) he has still blessed us in so many ways. Two of those ways have been in two precious children that I am not sure how Jeff or I either one deserved. Hayden I know you will read this-Thank you for being an amazing kid. You have really stepped up to the plate and done whatever we needed you to do. I know that living 9 months of the past year away from home, mom and dad, and brother has not been easy but you have handled it in stride, knowing daddy and I needed to be with Stanton. I also know that there have been milestones that I will never be able to get back and I regret that most of all. Mom, Dad, Debbie and O.H.-Thank you for taking Hayden and making him feel at home, shuttling him around and keeping his life as normal as possible. We love you all.

Stanton-One day when you are all grown up I hope you look back at this journal and realize that you have such an amazing story to tell. You in your 3 years of life have touched so many and will continue to touch lives with your story. You are my hero. You are probabaly the bravest strongest person that I know. You have taken a terrible situation and faced it full speed ahead and never whined and complained about not feeling good or about having to be so far from home. We will continue to fight this nasty beast with you until we win. You are amazing.

Those are my blessings for today. I could go on and on but I think you get the point. No matter what the situation, God has a plan. Don't spend all your time asking God for answers are trying to guess his plan. Stop, take time to thank him for the good things in your life.

For everyone with children, stop now, pray for them, and remember to savor every moment.

With Love
Tina

Friday, April 30, 2004 10:19 PM CDT

Well, I think we are starting to see the side effects of chemo. This morning after Stanton took his pills, he got sick. This meant he had to take 3 more pills, which is an easy task for him (amazing being he is only 3). After we got back from the hospital he took a long nap and was just not as wound up as he had been. When he woke up the first person he asked for was Emma Grace, so she came and played a little while this afternoon. This perked him up a bit.

For those of ou who have never heard me mention her, a very special person to Stanton and our family is getting married tomorrow. We got the pleasure of being invited to her rehearsal dinner tonight. "Miss Sarah and Mr. David" I cannot describe how honored we felt to be a part of this special time in your life. Sarah you are such a special person and David is a pretty lucky guy. David we will continue to work on Stanton so he will warm up to you some. I think he will be okay when he realizes he can still have as many hugs and kisses as he wants. We all were a little nervous as we never know when "Stanley" will appear, but Stanton was the perfect little angel. He was so funny. When we got there he would say "I need Miss Sarah", I would take him to Sarah and he would hug and kiss her and then he would walk away. He did this a couple of times. I think he might have been testing David. Right before dinner was served, he decided he was tired and was going back to the "Donald" house to go to sleep. Believe it or night he climbed up into his chair, laid his head in Jeff's lap and went to sleep. He remained this way until we woke him up before we left. Maybe he will be this sweet tomorrow during the wedding. To those friends of David and Sarah's that sat at our table tonight (I don't want to mention names because I don't want to forget anyone) thank you for making us feel right at home. To David and Sarah's parents-thank you for allowing us to be a part of tonight. We honestly felt like we had known all of you a lot longer than a year.

On the way home, the nausea set in again. We were so proud he had eaten 6 crackers. Well, needless to say all of those and then some came back up. It breaks my heart to see when my 3 year old baby can tell you in plenty of time when he is going to be sick. He feels better now, and is good and rested so he may talk for quite a while.

For those of you back home, don't forget Cruisin for A Cure is this weekend. I hear it is supposed to rain, but please remember that Schelly Brown has put in a lot of hard work into this weekend and all the money raised goes to a fabulous cause. So rain or shine, please go support these amazing kids.

We love you all
Jeff, Tina and Stanton

Thursday, April 29, 2004 11:28 AM CDT

I am doing this update a little early as there is an article about Stanton in todays paper. The picture will look familiar (I don't know how but I finally was able to get a picture on this page) The address for the Minden Press Herald is www.press-herald.com. Theresa, you did a great job as always. I still start reading these updates and think man, that poor family and then reality sets back in. A little about the picture-Schelly Brown called and asked if we were going to get to come out this weekend to Minden's Cruisin for a Cure. At that time this was our regularly scheduled check-up week so we would not be in town. She asked if Stanton would come take a picture with one of her cars to run in the paper advertising the fun planned for the weekend. Well, I never say no to doing anything to help St. Jude so there we were. Stanton was not being very cooperative. He was more interested in driving the car than taking he picture (thanks for you patience Schelly the picture is precious). Little did we know that the picture would not be used just to promote Cruisin for a Cure but to be an update on his new journey with this beast. For all of you in Minden who work so hard to support St. Jude, Thank you from the bottom of our hearts. It is such a wonderful place. Schelly, I am sure this weekend will be a huge success and I wish we could be there.

Stanton is still feeling good. He will start his second round of IV Irinotecan tomorrow. Emma Grace was back in town last night so they picked up right where they left off. Luckily we left "Stanley" at home. Assessment Triage goto quite a laugh this morning as the two of them went from hugging one minute to fighting the next (He wanted a kiss, she didn't).

Thanks again for stopping by to check on us.

Love
Jeff, Tina and Stanton

Wednesday, April 28, 2004 5:08 PM CDT

I am actually updating a little early today as we are going to dinner with Trish and Emma Grace. For those of you who haven't heard me tell her story you really should go to her website www.caringbridge.org/ar/emmagrace. They are an amazing family and Trish has helped me though so many emotions this week all the while dealing with her own. Thanks again Trish we love you.

Stanton actually had a break from the hospital today. The doctors really do try to keep their lives as "normal" (whatever that is) as possible so we decided to have a day of fun. Last year when we here Stanton stayed inpatient so much and when he wasn'this counts were so low he didn't get to do a whole lot. The people of Memphis ae so good to these St. Jude kids that just about everything there is to do is at no cost to the family. So we started out the day by going to the zoo (he loves to go see the farm animals even though they are no better than what he can see at H'es house). One of his very special nurses, Sarah is getting married this weekend, but it just isn't quite a trip to the zoo without her so while trying to tie up loose ends to her wedding she went to the zoo. If all goes as it has been and he is feeling good we will be attending the wedding Saturday. Sarah and David I will apologize now if Stanley shows up and David I hope he realizes that Sarah's attention will have to be shared.

After we managed to get him off of the merry go round we decided to came back to the "Donald" house so Sarah could get some things done and maybe Stanton would eat something. We then decided to go on a riverboat cruise. Well, once again the people at the boat were fabulous. They treated him like royalty (and yes, we haven't told him that he is not). He even got to go up with the captain and drive. He really thinks he is something in his captain's hat.

I again can't thank everyone enough for all of the love and support. I hope that todays journal entry gives you a little insight into some of the good days. We continue to look to the Lord for guidance and support and know that he is there for us always. For those of you sharing scripture in the guestbook-thank you so much. Some days I change my devotional to center around a verse that someone has mentioned or even better mention it to a parent here that needs uplifting.

Love you all
Jeff, Tina and Stanton

Tuesday, April 27, 2004 5:24 PM CDT

Okay, so mom reminded me I didn't update yesterday (thanks for keeping me in line 350 miles away). So here goes-there is really not much to report with Stanton. He finished his 5th day of chemo today so he will get a 2 day break from the IV stuff until Friday. We have seen very little side effects from these medications. He is actually going 100 miles an hour and just about to wear us down. He is beginning to have mood swings often therefore we have given his alter ego a name. So if you hear me talking about Stanley you will know things aren't going so well in the toddler world. One good thing is that if we can ever figure out what he wants and give it to him Stanton comes back (imagine that). As usual he is calling the shots. Jeff and I figure that is he least we can do with all he has been through. He continues to remain my hero and is absolutly amazing.

Now for my lecture part of the journal. Way back when at Stanton's first diagnosis I spent many hours a day asking God for so many things. I decided at some point that maybe that wasn't so fair to God. He had blessed me with so many things even though the road at the moment was tough. I now take a moment each day, no matter how bad things seem to stop and thank God for something (it is usually pretty easy to come up with at least one thing). So today while talking to God take some time to thank him for what he has done for you, your children or your family. Thank him for the strength he has given Stanton on this journey. One of my thank you's for today is for blessing me with 2 amazing kids-Hayden/Stanton we love you more than you will ever know.

Thank you all for continuing to check on us. Please sign the guest book as those entries lift our spirits daily.

We love you all
Jeff, Tina and Stanton

Sunday, April 25, 2004 10:09 PM CDT

Okay, today has been a difficult one. Stanton is still feeling pretty good. Sometimes you would never believe that he is getting chemo. He did have a couple of Jekyl and Hyde moments today. I think he knew that something was different today. Granma, Weinie and Bubba went home this morning. We all had a great weekend but them leaving is always so hard. He cried for a little while and moved on. I wish I could say I was as strong. Today was just one of those days when I had a hard time believing that this was my life again. I worried about the decisions we have made, but truly in my heart know they are what we had to do. Anyway, after a full day of mommy pity party I talked to Jamie and as usual she lifted my spirits and put my mind back on the right track.

I was sent the neatest present by way of Mom this weekend and would love to share it with all of you (Thanks Chris and LeighAnn). When you see me you will see a necklace with a charm with a mustard seed in it. After talking to Jamie I decided that I would read about the mustard seed, so bear with me.

Matthew 17:19-20

Aferwards the disciples asked Jesus privately, "Why couldn't we cast that demon out?" "Because of your little Faith," Jesus told them. "For if you had Faith even as small as a tiny mustard seed you could say to that mountain ,'Move!' and it would go far away, nothing would be impossible."

Well, needless to say I stopped everything I was doing and apologized to God for trying to take on too much. We have placed Stanton and this disease in his hands and said to him "Move this mountain!"

Please continue to keep Stanton as well as all the kids that are fighting this beast called cancer in your prayers. Thank you all again for your love and support.

Tina

Saturday, April 24, 2004 11:51 AM CDT

First of all I want to thank you all for visiting this page and checking on Stanton and signing the guest book. The words of encouragement can be such a pick me up on a bad day. We will also print this book out for Stanton some day for him to keep.

Mom, Dad and Bubba have been here and we have had a great time. Stanton has really enjoyed playing with Bubba, Granma (aka Memaw) and Weinie (aka Pepaw). For those of you who don't know Stanton renamed everyone the last time we were in Memphis and people pretty much just answer to what he calls them. Although I do feel a little sorry or dad because I am not sure where weinie came from, but Jeff thinks it is funny.

Jeff,Hayden and I got our blood tests yesterday to determine if we are a match. Our prayer is that Hayden will be the perfect match although he may not be (1 in 3 chance). Stanton had his first day of IV chemo yesterday and the combination of the drugs today. So far so good, he is still feeling very good.

I had a special visitor yesterday which was quite a surprise. Dr. Brown- thanks for taking the time to stop by. I really enjoyed visiting with you and it sure helps to see some familiar faces.

This past week was filled with many ups and downs and I need to take a minute to thank Trish Hampton. The Hamptons were a family that we made this journey with last year (Emma Grace is about 5 months older than Stanton) and she relapsed a couple of weeks ago. They were here in Memphis this week and girl, I don't know what I would have done without you. Thank you from the bottom of my heart for the ear to listen, the shoulder to cry on and the hugs when I needed them the most, but most of all thank you so much for your great courage, strength and faith. We have now joined the battle with you. Her website for anyone who wants to leave them a word of encouragment is www.caringbridge.org/ar/emmagrace. I know they love to hear from all the prayer warriors.

There are so many kids facing this terrible disease and battling with the side effects of the treatment. Please continue to keep these kids in your prayers. There is one special prayer request I have for today. We met a mother and son, who yesterday found out that he had relapsed for a second time (neuroblastoma). The decisions you have to make during this time are the most difficult I think any parent will ever have to face. Please pray for Jackie in that she can make the right decision on what is best for Dalton. They are both pretty special people and we are thankful to be here for them this weekend as they make these decisions.

Thank you all for your continued love and support!
Jeff, Tina and Stanton

Thursday, April 22, 2004 1:06 PM CDT

Well I am updating now from ou new home away from home, the Ronald McDonald House. For those of you who don't know about this charity it absolutley wonderful. They do as much as possible to make it as much like home as possible. We spent 8 months of last year here and made many lifelong friends. You know who you are andwe love you all! As great of a place as this is, toay as still been hard for me. This is the last step of making this "REAL". It is just one more hurdle I have to cross.

Okay, now on to what everyone wants to hear. We got the results of the MIBG scan. There was a spot on his leg, a spot on his arm and the obvious spot around his eye. He seemed to do really well with his first day of medicine. He will get his first dose of ironetecan tomorrow. Mom, Dad, and Bubba are coming up tonight. Hayden, Jeff and I will be tested for bone marrow match tomorrow. Our prayer is that Hayden will be a match, but he is our hero for giving it a shot.

This past week has been one of the worst ever and I have to say a great big thank you to all of those who have called, signed the guest book or emailed. You will never know how uplifting it is. For Hank and Jamie (they have called everyday once or more without fail) your support and love is something that keeps us all moving forward and helping us to stand back up after we've been knocked down. We love you guys!

I will continue to try to keep this journal as current as possible and am going to work on the picture thing.

Love you all
Jeff, Tina and Stanton

Tuesday, April 20, 2004 4:59 PM CDT

Today was a pretty difficult day for us. Not that we received any news that we weren't expecting, but that it was all finally real and decisions had to be made. This was harder than the first diagnosis because then they said here is what he has, and this is what we are going to do. Today they said this is what he has and there are several options as what to do and none of them sounded great. Stanton's bone marrow came back positive for neuroblastoma. There are a couple of lymph nodes in his chest that they will try to take a closer look at tomorrow on his MIBG. We did decide on a course of treatment today. It will be a Phase I Research Protocol being done here at St. Jude. It will consist of 2 drugs and since I don't have my paperwork with me I want name those, as I don't want to put the wrong thing. Jeff and I are pretty comfortable in our decision (or as comfortable as we can be when this is our baby). We have just put our faith in God and asked for his guidance. I believe this trial was put in front of us for a reason (there were only 2 slots left).

We have been able to spend some time with several friends from our previous St. Jude stay. Stanton and Emma Grace have picked up where they left off 9 months ago. These kids all have such a special bond. Please keep Emma Grace in your prayers as she is also battling this "relapse" beast. They have been such a support for us this past week.

Please also remember that there are so many children not only facing Neuroblastoma but many childhood cancers. Please hold all of them up in prayer as they are amazing kids.

Thanks for all of the support
Tina Jeff and Stanton

Monday, April 19, 2004 1:27 PM CDT

Okay, I am going to give this a try. As most of you know Stanton was diagnosed with Stage IV Neuroblastoma on January 2, 2003. After a long year and many treatments he was classified as "No Evidence of Disease". We were scheduled for 9 month scans the last week of April and a few weeks ago things started going wrong. He had what was diagnosed as and still appeared to be a severe case of sinusitis. His CT of his head came back with this diagnosis and all of his urine markers came back clear. Just 3 months prior to this all of his scans including bone marrow biopsies were all clean. On April 15 we brought him back to the hospital with a small knot on his right eyebrow. Hoping for sinus trouble still, we feared the worse. The knot was confirmed to be a tumor. "RELAPSE" the word we had feared for 9 months. An MRI confirmed the tumor but also told us that there was nothing else going on in his brain and that the tumor was not causing any immediate danger to his optic nerves. We are continuing scans this week to determine if and where else this nasty beast might be. We are hoping by the end of the week to have a game plan and be started on chemotherapy in hopes of finding the "cure". Stanton is such a trooper and does not really understand all that is going on. He feels good so telling him he is sick is not going over well. Please continue to hold him high in prayers as we know that God holds all of the answers although we don't always understand them.

We do have a great extended family here at St. Jude's and it feels good to have all of the support that they have to offer. To all of you- Thank you from the bottom of our hearts.

I will end this entry with the quote from a plaque given to me by one of the best doctors in the world when we began this journey. (Dr. Phillips you are the best and keep up the good work). "When you don't understand, and you don't see his plan, and you can't trace his hand, trust his heart"

We love you all,
Jeff, Tina and Stanton

I will try to get some pictures posted soon.

Saturday, April 17, 2004 5:40 PM CDT

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