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Tuesday, December 25, 2007 7:34 PM CST
Well we have had a wonderful Christmas with our families. It has been busy but being with family is always a joy. Kyle was with his mother this year for the holidays so it has not been the same with one of the children missing.
Especially with Jacob not here. He was thought of throughout the holidays often. We miss you little man...
Speaking of Jacob! We have news!
Jacob is going to be an older brother AGAIN!!!!!
Yup we are expecting another bundle of joy sometime next sept! Ill let you know the due date when we find out ;)
We are thrilled and are so blessed. A very amazing Christmas present.
Ill update soon with our holiday pictures and tell you all about it. Just wanted our extended family to know!
Merry Christmas everyone
Angela
Saturday, December 1, 2007 8:32 AM CST
Hey everyone!!!
We have internet!!! I am sooo excited! Finally we can update when we want to and upload pictures, thanks to my wonderful husband who found an amazing site that actually lets you resize your pictures.
Man I can not believe that August was our last update. Oh my...where do I begin.
First... if anyone is reading this... THANK YOU. Thanks for coming by to visit Jacobs site and see how we are doing. I honestly dont expect many visitors anymore. We have been so bad at updating and everything. I would be surprised if anyone was acutally still coming.
Ok Abby is now 5 months. Man what a pixie she is. Just a little peteite thing she is. But strong. She doesn't have any teeth yet, but we think there is a few coming soon. She drools non stop and chews everything. She is now eating cereal and has tried a few foods. She still is only drinking about 4-6 oz bottles. I thought she would be drinking more by now but like I said, she is a little tiny pixie. She has really light blond hair and the most beautiful blue eyes. A stubborn temper... lol I wonder if she got that from Scott or I!!! Really though, we truly are blessed with such an amazing little girl. We are thankful for her health, and know just how lucky we are. The older kids, (Kyle and Alyssa) just adore her. They help our with her so much. I have to fight for time with her. She rolled over a few weeks ago, waves her arms up and down thrashing anything in sight over and over again like she is flying!!! Not sure where that came from or why she does it. But its hilarious. She says DA DA DA DA everything she is upset and wants something. Even though she is looking at me while she says it... she really means ma ma ma ma, she just doesnt know how to say it yet... right hun!!!
Abby is just a joy and has brought so many smile and laughs to our home. I truly love her to death and can't imagine life without her. Just seems like she has always been here you know.
To be honest, I was really worried that I would be too paranoid with her, which I was and got over quite quickly. I thought I would compare her to what she can do and what Jacob never could do. But acutally because I never saw Jacob move like Abby can, and he never ate and never rolled over and stuff like that, Its hard 'to' compare them. I am thankful that I dont do it. It would be too hard to live with everyday.
To say the least, with 3 kids, 2 dogs, work, and a house...we are busy. I am back at work, actually working 2 jobs now. I started doing bookkeeping and payroll at home for a contracting company, and am still at Slapshot. The older kids are doing their hockey and dance and are doing great at it, and are busy with school.
They are excited with Christmas coming. We are taking Abby to the mall to get her picture with Santa... do you remember Jacobs picture with Santa. He came right to our house and held Jacob and brought presents for the kids. Jacob didnt want Santa to go. lol
You know I was thinking of going wayyyy back into the journal history and reading all about Jacob again. Im sure there are pages of history. Ill just keep hitting back and back until the beginning and go to the bottom and some day soon just 'read' all about Jacob. I miss things about him and I think that would be a good way to bring him in closer to christmas. HIs memory I mean.
Well Ill get these pictures up for everyone, and now promise to be more regular with updating and visiting websites.
Thank you to anyone and everyone who is still here!
Hugs
Ange
Tuesday, August 28, 2007 1:52 PM CDT
Finally here are some pics of our beautiful Abby. I know it took long enough, but we don't have the internet at home for the moment. Thought we would get these on before we lost all of Jacob's visitors. Abby is doing amazing... and is almost 12 lbs. Jacob is doing a great job looking after his new little sis and the rest of us as well. Take care everyone.
Wednesday, August 8, 2007 7:31 PM CDT
Man has it really been a month since my last update??? Where has the time gone???
First... I want to wish my son a VERY HAPPY 4th BIRTHDAY!!!
I have no idea if Ill be able to get to a computer before then or not? I cant believe you would have been 4 years old. To me this is a special birthday Jacob. You have been gone 2 and a half years, and were with me for 18 months. I cant believe it. I wish I could hold you and give you a special hug for your birthday. Ill send you up some balloons and get to your grave sometime next week to show Abby to you.
We miss you and think of you everyday. Your sister is growing up so fast and is soooo strong. I know you had a hand in picking out such a special little girl for mommie to raise.
We love you more then I could ever tell you baby. I know you feel it. Have a very special day on your birthday. We will send you some balloons. Catch them.
Abby is doing amazing. She is so strong. She was 9lbs and 13 oz two weeks ago. We take her to the breastfeeding clinic here every thursday to get weighed. I am a nervous wreak and worry about everything. Im just not used to having a healthy baby. Scott, and my mom keep telling me over and over again to not worry about every little thing. She does have a blocked tear duct that I hope opens on its own soon. I guess its fairly common. I know that she is probably over 11lbs now. SHe is soooo big and chubby and beautiful. She has eye boogies in every pic though because of the blocked duct. I will try to get to scotts moms long enough to minimize some pics and get them on here. Im so sorry about not being able to get them up yet.
The kids are all doing great. They love abby and Alyssa is my little helper. She is amazing with Abby. I call her abbys second mommie.
They are done all their sports now. So we are enjoying it before the winter ones start.
My brother was able to come down for the long weekend. It was great to see him. We miss him so much. He loved seeing abby and many of his friends came down and stayed at our place for the weekend. It was a great time.
Okay abby wants to eat!!!
Thank you all so much for continuing to come by and check on us even though Im getting so bad with no computer to do updates. Ill try my best as soon as we get on to keep you all better updated.
Hugs
Ange
Friday, July 6, 2007 4:05 PM CDT
Hey everyone!!!
We are still without a computer :( Im sorry that we have not been able to get some pics up here yet. If you are on facebook, look up either Scott or I and you can see some pics. My moms house does not have a photo program that I can resize the pics, and it would take 2.5 screens one of these pics. So next time Im at Scotts moms house we will resize some pics and get them on here for you to see.
So... Abby Lori Mifflin 7 lbs 5.3 ozs born at Belleville General Hospital at 12:10 am Sat June 23rd!!!
Everything went great. I was induced, there was a few times we were worried about her heartrate with the contractions and they had to let up on the pitocin a little, but the cord was not around her neck and she was born very healthy! Scott, and my mom were with me all day, and Scotts mom woke up at 12 and thought she should get to the hospital and got there right after I started to push and was able to watch the birth also!
Abby is doing great. By far my calmest baby yet. She is spoiling us and is such a precious blonde beauty! I call her my little pixie! Her frame is TINY!!! Just a little peanut. Blue blue eyes. We are enjoying every minute with her. I have to admit I have some trouble giving up responsibilities to my husband! LOL I'm just so used to doing it all my own, having a husband that is so hands on is hard to get used to. Of course he cant feed her right now, but he burps her, changes her, and gets up with her.
The kids are such a big help also. They love her so much and like to hold her and lay with her. We truly are blessed. THings are pretty busy for sure now though. Trying to get everyone to their sports and activities! Im glad summer is here and we dont ahve to worry about school right now too.
I promise to get some pics up as soon as we can.
Thank you all so much for the wonderul blessings and well wishes.
Love Angela
Tuesday, June 19, 2007 10:36 AM CDT
Still no baby! The doc was sure that I would not last the weekend! But he is planning on inducing me tomorrow, Wed!!! So we are pretty sure that tomorrow will be the day that our little Abby arrives. Ill have someone update the website as soon as possible. Probably just leave an entry in the guestbook! So keep your eyes peeled!
Sorry such a short couple of updates, but I have no computer and am just running in Scotts moms house to use hers quickly as Im out and about!!
Hugs
Ange
Wednesday, June 13, 2007 1:04 PM CDT
Sorry guys! Our computer crashed and we are hoping to get another one sometime soon. It will prob be in a few more weeks though.
We are extreamly busy!!! Like crazy busy.
Still no baby! I go to the doc Fri, he's checking things out! I begged him to not let me go overdue. I can't sleep, and am getting extreamly uncomfortable. Not gaining that much weight though! Last week I actually lost 1/2 a pound!!! Crazy. Think over the last 3 weeks Ive gained 2.5 pounds! So thats good! Im pretty sure that after fridays exam at the doc that should put me into labor. Usually that get things moving anyway. After Jacobs doctor stripped my membraines that put me right into labor that day!! So hopefully Ill have the baby Fri or Sat. If not Im due Tues, so sometime next week!
Ill have to get mom or someone to do an update for me once the baby comes. I won't be able to get online to tell you all. But we will let you know somehow.
Enjoy this beautiful weather. Stay out of the heat, and have a great week!!!
Ange
May 27 2007
Im sorry it has taken me forever to do an update!
Things are going great! If BUSY is great ;)
We are so busy right now its crazy. Scott plays ball 2x a week, same with Kyle, and Alyssa plays soccer, and has dance. We are running around from here to there, the kids and Scott play on the same night a lot of the times so its pretty busy. Then add in all the doc appointments that we have and ultrasounds! Man, we dont sit down till about 9 at night if we are lucky! But thats good!
We are getting outside all ready for summer. Doing renovations, opening the pool, yardwork, and Scotts working of course, so we can only do so much when he works. Then find the time to sleep and try to keep up with housework. Which has be severly lacking attention! Oh well, you get done what you can. Ive only got 3 weeks left till the baby is due so there is only so much I can do.
Ive been going to the doc every week for a few weeks now, and having my 4 week ultrasounds. So far everything is going perfect. On Fri's appointment the doc said that the baby is 7-7.5 pounds already! So if I go full term she should be 8-9 prob. I really dont think Ill go full term. I am way too low. I dropped really low last week, and lost part of my plug... so I think it will be within the next week. But we shall see. I'm telling yah though the pressure I have down below is something else. She is ready to come out. The ultrasound tomorrow will tell us more about if she is in postion or not though! Im sure she is. So hearing how big she is already, Ive been lifting heavy things, and doing gardening, and keeping busy to try to go into labor early! So far no luck, just more back pain! lol
Yesterday I mowed most of the grass! Actually hear is a funny story! (Well it was to me) Alyssa wanted to help outside, so I would do the edge of the yard, and she would go across, well I wanted Scott to turn on the weed wacker for me, I couldnt, so I told her Id be right back. I wasnt even two minutes and I saw her out there crying her eyes out. I ran over and she was like, look mom, look what I did, crying and crying. I looked and she had ran over the chipmunk that we tried to through into the woods from the pool, it had drowned in the pool. She thought she killed it and ran over it with the lawn mower. It was really gross, a tail over here, guts over there, she was so upset thinking that she killed it. Took about 5 minutes to tell her that we through it there, and she didnt do it! LOL It was sad for her but sorta funny to me! Poor kid!
Anyway my mom and dad are all moved in! They love it here. I love having them here man, its so nice to have my family here with me. Too bad my brother is still out in Calgary! We miss him so much. The move went great! Now just the unpacking to get done, and getting the things the way they want them. But its coming along great. Im there almost everyday! lol Im so happy they are here!!!! Can you tell I love having my parents here?!
So.... so far no baby! But Im good and growing great! I have not gained nearly as much weight as I did with Alyssa, or Jacob. With Alyssa I gained 96 lbs, Jacob was about 70 lbs, and with this one Ive only gained about 30-32 I think. In the last 3 weeks only 1/2 a pound??? Crazy!!! But the baby is a good size so I couldnt be happier to not be the heafer again!!!
Its weird to feel how active Abby is. Jacob didnt move at all in the last 3 months. He couldnt move his legs... So all this kicking and squirming is so weird for me. I dont really remember Alyssa it was 10 years ago. But Im sure she was just as active.
Jacob has been keeping us safe and looking over his baby sister! She sure is lucky to have such a special big brother. I cant wait till she is older to tell her all about Jacob. At Kyles ball game last week, I was talking with one mom, and she was asking all about Jacob. Its nice every once in awhile to talk about him. I loved it.
Here is a prego pic! I only have this one and a couple others from months ago. I gotta get Scott or someone to take a few before she comes out!
Thursday, April 5, 2007 10:11 PM CDT
Yup pink is right!!!! YEAH YEAH YEAH YEAH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Its a GIRL!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
What a day oh my what a day!!!
We have had such an exciting day. We got there safe and sound. Had time for a coffee, and visit with Scotts sister Janet! Went to the appointment, the lady gave me a OJ so that the baby might move a bit more for the scan! Well no worries there. The baby was very active. BUT!>>>!>!>!> When she was doing the scan, we tried to see if it was a boy or a girl, and the baby of course was facing my spine, but had its head turned so we could see its face. She got me to roll over on one side then the other and on all fours, I was not leaving that place without finding out! She came back the baby turned right around and faced the other way but still to my spine. So off for another coffee, and a couple donuts at Timmies!!! Came back and sure enough, the baby turned again back to the same position it was in in the beginning. UGH!!! She was as determined as I was and didnt give up. Finally got a good shot and YEAH! Its a girl!!! Finally I can start to shop!
Here is a quick shot for you to peek at!!!
If you would like to see more just go to this website,
Click here 3D imaging
Just go to that website, and at the bottom right corner is a client login the user name and password is" atrick "all lower case Let me know what you all think!!!
Gotta go Ill update a bit more later.
Hugs
Ange
Tuesday, April 3, 2007 3:09 PM CDT
So... mom and dad came over last night so she would be able to see her new house again and get some measurements. Then stayed the night last night so mom could come with us to the ultrasound.
Scott and I worked last night, we we were beat this am, Scott getting no sleep and I got 3 hours.
We were all set to walk out the door about 11 and the phone rang. It was the ultrasound place. They had to cancel the appointment because there was a death in the family of the lady who does the scan. SOOOOO I STILL DONT KNOW...
I was so upset. Looking forward to it for a month and a half. But it was understandable. They felt really bad and are giving us a webhosting website free to compansate. You all will be able to see the pictures now on... THURSDAY!
At least I dont have to wait another month and a half!
Sorry guys no news yet.
ugh
Ange
Friday, March 16, 2007 12:23 AM CDT
Has it really been a month since the last journal entry??? Where does the time go?
Wow, in this last month not much has been going on. We got through Jacobs angel day. Thank you to all that remembered him and all our regular posters. It helps so much.
Baby is growing and my belly is getting huge. 3 more weeks and I will know finally if its a boy or a girl.
The kids are doing great. Being bored here on the march break.
My parents found a house here in Belleville that they love, put an offer in and it was accepted!!!!! They listed their house Wed aft, had 3 people go through yesterday, and have 2 offers today!!! It was meant to be. They will see the offers when mom is off work today at 5. I cant wait to hear if they have good ones and if they sell their house in 2 days! Thats amazing.
I cant wait for them to move here. It will be so awsome. I miss being able to see them everyday, and just jump in the car and visit with them. THey cant wait to be here either. Mom really wants to be here for when the baby comes. She is a Nana EVERYONE would love. Im so blessed to have a mother like her. Love you mom!!! Keeping my fingers crossed.
If their house sells, the closing date would be May 15th! A wonderful birthday present for me! I should be finished work by then so lots of time to go and help them move!
Ill keep you informed on my next visit to the docs. It March 30th. Next week I have to go for bloodwork, check for gestational diabeties, and get my rogam shot because of my blood. Then the docs the week after, then the 4D ultrasound. I cant wait.
I have something to ask of all of you who come to visit. I know you cant sign loonies, but if you could all do this for my angel boy. Well in memory of Jacob. Kim started this last year and it brought in over $5000. That bought 2 families a cough assist and helped buy another family a van, or headstone, ect. It all helps! Thank you soooo much...
In Honor of Jacob
The Power of $1
We've all witnessed what a single $1 can do if people are willing take a few minutes and mail it. Just think of all of the yellow bracelets that you see around - I hear Lance Armstrong raised more than a million for cancer research. I'm going to try to do the same :0) Ok -- maybe not a million, but heck what about $1,000 or $5,000 or even $10,000. I'm asking you to give a $1 -- not for a yellow bracelet or any bracelet at all but just for the knowledge that you will be helping families and kids living with SMA -- helping them get the proper equipment, medicine or other support that insurance may deny. Or maybe it will just be used to send the kids something to brighten up their day or even to help pay for some of the growing piles of medical bills. Or God Forbid, help the parents pay for the funeral expenses of the child they lost to this disease.
If you feel like you can spare your dollar -- here is what I am asking you to do:
1. Get your $1 (more if compelled)
2. Write SMA Hero Jacob somewhere on that dollar (or any other person who is living or has lived with SMA)
3. Put it in an envelope and send it to:
SMA Support Inc.
PO Box 6301
Kokomo, IN 46904-6301
and last but not least
4. Forward this email on to all of you family and friend.
Where is your money going?
SMA Support is an all-volunteer, non-profit, 501(c)(3) tax-exempt organization dedicated to providing information and support to family, friends, individuals and caregivers on all aspects regarding the devastating genetic disease called Spinal Muscular Atrophy. You can learn more about SMA Support and SMA by going to www.smasupport.com
Thanks and God Bless!
Angela
Wednesday, February 14, 2007 10:33 AM CST
Happy Valentines Day everyone...!!!
Hope you all have a wonderful day. Here we are in the middle of a winter storm. Lots of snow and cold cold cold. They kids stayed home from school today. Hope your all staying warm!
Feb has been busy. I have to wish my mom and daughter belated birthdays!!!! Moms was the 4th and Alyssas was the 7th. Alyssa is going to have a couple of friends come over on the weekend and go to the show to see Bridge to Tarabithia! Just a small get together. Still so hard to believe that I Have a 10 year old!! (going on 16)!!!
I'm finally taking it a bit easier at work now. Ill only be working prob 4 shifts a week now. I was just about on the brink of a burn out I think... ugh.
I see there were a few entries about Jacobs upcoming angel day. Last night I went to work and next weeks schedule isnt done so I booked off Mon... One of the other girls asked why, and I started bawling and kept it up for like a half hour. Then anyone who asked what was wrong anytime I tried to explain what was bothering me the water works would start up all over again! Im not looking forward to the 19th. I have been thinking of Jacob more and more lately. Sadly not the good times. With it being his angel day coming, you just think of the stupid night he died. I hate it. Everyone says just try to think of the good things. Well, its not like a birthday is coming. How can you not focus on that day that night.... I just cant wait till its over.
On a good note... Scott gave me a WONDERFUL Valentines present!!! First it was my favorite those small crunchy easter eggs! You know the candy coated small chocolate eggs, i think by cadbury! Ohhh my favorite! A HUGE bag of them. And of course my favorite chocolates turtles! And this wonderful present!!! Click here!!!! WOW amazing eh!!!!!
I cant wait to go. Its on March 27th!! So I will for sure get to know what its going to be! They tell you and you get a lot of pics, and a DVD video!!! I cant wait to go. Ill be counting the days! Im beyond excited about it. I told scott about it a friend of mine did it and then I told him about it and he sorta shot it down because its pretty expensive. Then just yesterday I brought it up to him again and he was like, yah but its like $200 right??? So I said yah I guess its prob a waste of money! He said he was laughing in his head the whole time! Im so excited. I cant wait to see the baby in real time! YEAH!!!! Thanks babe, I love you.
Ok Gotta get doing something. Ive been sleeping in till almost noon everyday! Gotta love being able to do that! Small things I love about being pregnant.
Take care everyone. Ill be doing another update hopefully on Jacobs angel day.
Angela
Thursday, February 1, 2007 6:35 AM CST
LOL Im sooooo sorry for keeping you all waiting!!!
Id love to be able to say right now "pink or blue" But as frustrated as I am I can't! Our little one was being a little shy. It took her forever to finish with all the measurements, all the while checking out and hoping he/she would open their legs so we can all know! She said that she 'thought' it might be a girl!!! YEAH!!! But not to go out and buy pink yet until my next ultrasound which should be sometime in Feburary. UGHUGHUGH How frustrating. I really want to know. You go there all prepared to hear the news, then wham.... nothing. But it was sooo amazing to hear the heartbeat and see 'her' Ill just call her a her until I know for sure. We got to see her yawning about three times. She was swimming all over. She had to follow her for the measurements! She was waving her hands and arms all over and stretching out her legs. I feel soooo much movement now, all the time. Its really neat.
I can't wait to finally find out though. I just want to know. But am totally happy of course with anything that we are blessed with.
Things are pretty hectic around here these days. With the kids both trying out for basketball and playing hockey and having dance, us both working full time and trying to run a household with an exhausted prego in the house... ugh. I thought that my exhaustion was finished with after the first trimester. Not sure if its just from working such late hours or not but man oh man, Id love some energy back. I shouldnt complain though, Im one of the lucky few who didnt have any morning sickness!!!
I go back to the doctor tomorrow to check on me! Still the once a month appts. Im 20 weeks now! Halfway there! I still am so amazed with the feeling of the baby moving. When I get up and when I get home from work is when the baby is most active. So Ill lay in bed for hours just feeling her move all around. Its been so long (alyssa is 10) since Ive felt such an active baby. Sadly Jacobs movements were very slim and almost stopped in the last trimester. I kept going to the doctor telling them that something was wrong and they would send me for the stress tests and push my belly and feel jacob turn or roll or something and say he was fine.
Ok thats about it for now. Ill update if there is any mega news tomorrow, not likly) Thanks for checking in!!! Wish I had more concrete news for you!
Hugs
ANgela
Tuesday, January 9, 2007
Hey everyone!!! Sorry for taking so long to do an update. The kids are back in school and things are slowing down again so I finally have time to do an update.
Ok, first about the dogs... Poor little Ozzie didnt make it. He passed away a few days after she took him back. It was sad news. Mom was sorta expecting him to get better. Bear on the other hand, did get better. After his stay in the hospital, iv and some antibiotics, he was on the mend. Now he is back to his stubborn little self! Getting into everything and being a puppy!
Christmas was great. We were able to spend time with both our families. Which is the best part of Xmas if you ask me. Of course it would have been much better if Jacob was with us also. But he was in spirit. Thanks for all the cards everyone. The kids loved getting them as much as I did. We were not able to get any out this year, we just didnt have the time or money this year. Next year hopefully as I love sending them out. New Years was quiet. Alyssa went to a friends house for an overnight stay. Kyle stayed here with Scotts brother and a friend and played video games, and Scott and I went to my parents for supper. We came home early and just had a quiet night!!! Just what I like!
Things are going good with me. The baby is growing and looking great. On the 4th we went to the doc again and heard the heartbeat again. Im getting huge, but didnt gain much weight this month!!!!! Only 3 pounds! I was worried after all the turkey and chocolate I ate this Christmas. I go back to the doctor on Jan 30th for my second ultrasound, to check the sex of the baby!!!! And to check my tumor. So I'll be sure to tell you all what we are having as soon as we find out! Then for my regular checkup I go back Feb 2nd. I think I am having a boy, so does Scott. The other night at work, this lady was really feeling good.. little too much to drink, and she came over to me and started to basically molest me lol! Rubbing my belly and bum! Saying ohhhhh your having a little girl! I know, Im never wrong!!! LOL It was crazy! Im like, get off of me lady! lol some people are so weird, have no concept of peoples personal space!
Anyway, not much else to write about. Im behind on just about everything at the moment, emails, guestbook signings, laundry, cleaning lol you name it. Im just tired and exhausted lately. Working so much is wearing me out. I cant wait till the babies born just to have some time off work! I worked 8 days in a row before xmas, had 3 days off, worked 6 had 2 off then worked 5 and I had these two days off. Now Im back to my regular 5 a week... UGH I'm hoping I can keep up this schedule, getting dinners, and lunches, looking after the kids and doing everything inbetween. Thank heavens Scott helps out around here. Being almost 30 and pregnant isnt like when I was 20 thats for sure... Even with Jacob I sure was more energetic then I am now. Maybe if I was in shape before I got pregnant it would have been a different story!!!
Ok anyway enough blabbering and venting. Im 16 or 17 weeks now... I keep forgetting so maybe in a couple weeks, the energy will be back!
Make sure you check back at the end of the month to see our surprise! I cant wait to find out the sex of the baby... The only names we like so far... I really like Addison, or Addyson, for a girl, call her Addy.. And scott really likes Leland, from Dog the Bounty Hunter... lol that hasnt grown too much on me yet... I did like Sawyer too but not anymore????
Thanks for visiting.
Angela
Thursday, December 21, 2006 3:58 PM CST
Well, its 4 days before Christmas and I have nothing but bad news, worse news, and a little good news....
Talk about doggie trouble.
First my parents dog buddy passed away and she had to put him down. Second she just finally got her little dog Ozzie, that is my dog Bear (mini Austrailian Sheppard) nephew. She picked him out about a month and a half ago. Got him Friday and by Monday he still hadnt eaten, she took him to the vet, they said he was not going to make it. He was only 2.2 pounds compared to his siblings at 10 pounds. She took him back to the guy she got him off to try to get him better. So we are hoping that he makes a miracle recovery and gets better. Mom was soooo sad. He was soooo cute. Now third, my dog bear got really sick. To the point he is in the hospital overnight as we speak. He was losing soooo much blood and diareaha. Pools of it coming out of him. He is on an iv and I just talked to them and the xray looks good and he is doing better. If he stays better I might be able to take him home tomorrow afternoon. Talk about trouble right before Christmas. THe kids are soooo worried about him as we are also. The little good news is that we are all healthy and doing well aside from my puppy. I got bear a little after Jacob passed away. He is only 1 year and 8 months. I pray he gets better and we can have everyone home for the holidays, healthy.
Thats about it. I work again tonight and tomorrow night, my 8th day in a row, then have a few days off for Christmas. Cant wait.
Have a wonderful Chrsitmas everyone. Ill try to get around to signing some guestbooks over xmas.
Take care
Hugs
Angela
Tuesday, December 5, 2006 8:50 PM CST
Here is our new little bundle of joy!!! The first picture!
Today was great. I went for the ultrasound at 9am and we got to see the baby and hear the heartbeat. So far so good. I needed that reasurance to know that everything so far is coming along great. Hard to explain but I was really scared and worried to say the least.
Im only 11.5 weeks so it is to early to tell the sex of the baby. On Jan 30th we go for our second one and can then tell the sex of it, if the baby isnt bashful!
Things are going great here. Just living and getting by, and thankful for our small blessings. The kids are doing pretty good. Both are coming down with a bit of a cold for the first time this winter.
We put up our xmas tree and all the decorations last weekend. Starting to look like winter now. Especially with all this snow we have gotten yesterday. We got dumped on!!! I hate snow. Scott only fell off the lower part of the roof putting up the xmas lights and didnt hurt himself too bad!!
So we are just taking it easy, working lots and almost finished our shopping. Hope everyone is doing great.
Thanks for all the posts and prayers for this baby and for a healthy pregnancy. I really hope I dont get too big with this baby. WIth both my others I put on tons of weight. Already I have gained in this last month 7.5 pounds, and the month before that 4. Its all starting!!!
Hugs
Ange
Wednesday, November 8, 2006 10:33 AM CST
Ok Ok OK OK lol Im sorry for making you all wait to hear the news... lol
I dont know what Carol is talking about??? I think she is just trying to rouse you!!! I went to the doctor and he is really great. Me and Scott really like him. Of course they ask all the questions, how many pregnancies have you had? how was the labor? How long was the labor? And when he asked how the kids were and we told him about Alyssa with her microtia, (little ear) and Jacobs SMA he was really interested in SMA he wants to learn more about it and wants me to bring in info on my next visit. Its on Dec 5th. I go for an ultrasound at 9am and then a visit with him at 945. So I dont know anything right now other then Im pregnant!!! Im almost 8 weeks and due June 22nd.
On the other hand, some prayers for my parents and their dog Buddy. Buddy is really getting old and doesnt eat much anymore and can hardly walk. So today at 3 they are putting him down. Buddy was a great dog, and put up with so much from Alyssa! LOL She would put his ears in ponytails and dress him up. He was a great dog, but getting old and time to let him go. He loved Jacob when we went to my parents house. He would always lay under the swing when Jacob was laying outside. He was usually pretty close by Jacob when we were around. Now Jacob and buddy can really play together and have lots of fun.
Hugs everyone and Ill let you all know anything as soon as I do.
Ange
Sunday, October 29, 2006 11:40 AM CST
I still cant believe we are having another baby!
We truly feel so blessed. Thank you all so much for the wonderful warm messages.
The kids are doing awsome. They had a PA day fri, so they were home from school. Thurs they had a Halloween dance and they both had a great time. Got to wear their costumes to the dance. Alyssa is going to be a Vampress, and Kyle is a crazy, scary monster guy! His mask is horrible. Green with sewed mouth shut and long white hair! Its funny since they got their costumes they have been wearing them and making a movie. lol Its too funny. Kyle chases alyssa around the house and have parts for people they want me to record it with the video camera once they have the script down pat!!! Its pretty good!
Scott and I are working our butts off. Lately Im getting 4-5 night shifts a week. Its draining to say the least. I guess Im not as fit as I used to be. Just carrying beer cases up from the basement at work is causing me to get cramps. So I try to do a little at a time. I dont remember being this exhausted with my last two pregnancies. I swear I could sleep all day and all night. We go to see the doctor on Nov 7th. I cant wait to go. I just want reasurance that everything is ok. For anyone who is expecting... this is the most awsome book. Scott is reading it with me. Talk about laughing!This book is hilarious!!! She writes about everything your thinking or people dont tell you about being pregnant!!! She calls is the uncensored truths!!! Man is it funny. Its call "The Pregnancy Countdown Book" By Susan Magee. You should get this for every woman expecting I swear.
We are looking forward to Halloween. The kids are pretty excited about it.
Mom I miss you guys.
Take care everyone...
Hugs
Angela
Sunday, October 15, 2006 2:58 PM CDT
Wow... it sure was nice to read all the new posts. Thank you all of you who still follow up with us and see how we are doing. It really does mean so much to us. And Im always so surprised when there is new posters still after all this time that suddenly just pop on and say that they have followed all along and just now posted for the first time. Thanks for the support. From teh bottom of my heart.
Ok... are you ready?? Are you sitting down??? I have some news. I have some pretty big news. I was not going to tell anyone yet... I thought I should wait a little bit... well if you know me or my mom enough, you will know that we cant keep secerts too good or for very long.
So here it is....
Yesterday, I took a test. Yup, a pregnancy test. And yup you guessed it. It was + POSITIVE!!!!!!! WOW!!!! We have been trying for some time now, and just like that. Its happening. I was soooo shocked. I just kept saying to scott OMG OMG OMG IM pregnant. Im really pregnant. This is real. Its happening. So many emotions. Then I said we better wait a bit to tell people. About 5 minutes later I was telling the kids. They are both so happy. Alyssa wants a girl, Kyle wants a boy, I just want a healthy child. I dont care boy or girl. THen I had to rush off to work for over 12 hours! Man I was bouncing like a ball. I am so happy.
Ok my mom..... She has been itching for the news forever. She wants as many grandchildren as we can give her lol... Boy oh boy Ive never met a women who loved kids as much as my mom does. So we had to figure out a cool way to let her know. Today was the only day we could come down for a few weeks so we had to today. So Scotts moms sisters were down from BC for a visit so we went to her house first thing and let them all know. THen we were off to Peterborough. On the way here we decided to stop at the flower shop to look for some gift that they might have. Couldnt find anything. The lady had a teddy bear a small one that the hands were magnetic and could hold something. So we bought it, and got blue and pink ribbon around the neck and put my test in its arms. Put it in a bag and covered it with tissue. We got here and told her to open the bag I found something that I wanted her to have. She opened it and said awww what a cute little teddy. We both collect cute special little bears. So then she noticed that it was holding something shes like, whats he holding? Is it a thermomitor, then she pulled it and the cap came off the end.... LOL LOL LOL LOL Im sorry mom but I gotta tell them it was priceless... She then went to smell it thinking it was a perfume stick or something lol lol lol. I couldnt stop laughing. OMG it was sooo funny and cute. Then shes like omg is this a test... a pregnancy test??? Is it yours??? YES Yes YES YES its positive. lol SHe was sooo ecstatic. It was good. No it was great! We are so happy. Everyone is so happy for us. So we are pretty sure Im about 2 weeks. I know its sooo early. But Ill keep our prayers up for a healthy pregnancy and for a healthy baby. No better place to ask for prayers then here eh!
Ok I gotta go and have supper with my parents im here visiting, but wanted all of you to know our blessed good news.
THanks everyone,
Love Angela
Wednesday, October 11, 2006 7:45 AM CDT
Happy Thanksgiving to all our fellow Canuck followers!!!
I hope you all had a great thanksgiving. We did...
Things have been pretty busy around here lately. School, hockey, dance, work, cleaning ect!!! We never have a day off to all be here together. When we do we take full advantage of it. Alyssa has dance Mon nights, Kyle has hockey early Sat mornings, and sometimes through the week. Me and Scott barely see each other except while coming home from work and the other is taking off... if we are lucky!! lol Oh to be married eh! I love it. There is always something to do anyway. I havent sat and watched tv for a night in I dont know how long. lol School is going great for the kids. They have met kids and are friends with lots.
Thanksgiving here was busy. There was Scott, and I, the kids, my parents, my brother flew in from Calgary to be here, his friend, Scotts sister, and her daughter, Scotts brother, and Scotts mom. There should have been more here but not all the family could come :( There was enough food for sure!!! LOL I was pretty nervous doing my first Thanksgiving dinner. But with the help of mom we pulled it off. Things went awsome. Im happy to say that I didnt burn anything at all!!!
I tried my hardest to be upbeat and happy and just get through the day. I have to say though that Jacob was thought about and talked about several times that day, just like any other. I know that I have so much to be thankful for but Im still very angry that my son is not with me anymore here on this earth... that for times like this I cant include my son. We should have had a 3 year old running around and getting into things. Lately as time goes on... it feels like Jacob is getting forgotten. I know he isnt... but no one else knows what its like to not have their child here with them. I know you cant just sit around and mope and whine about it... but just around these hard times on special occasions... its just to me another reminder that Jacob isnt here. I have no reason to sit and feel sorry for myself... but I sure do at times like this. And I dont really care what anyone thinks about that to be honest. I buried my son.... He is dead... he is not here with us to enjoy times like this.... and it hurts like hell. Other people just carry on... go about their lives, most people that I know now, unless I tell them about Jacob and cut the conversation to a dead stop if I mention him... dont even know about him. Its not like I can just start up a conversation about him and say hey wouldnt it be nice to have my son here with us again. I find if I do bring up Jacob its pretty awkward with whoever it might be im telling about him. Ugh... I guess unless they have lost a child they just cant comprehend what its like. Especially because he was so special. Now if I tell people about Jacob they might listen and if they do you can see the look on their face that they are thinking that he suffered and he is better off. Sometimes when things get crazy around here or life starts to take hold, I feel like just screaming out to everyone HEY HELLO REMEMBER JACOB. Remember I buried him. Remember I love him, remember I lost a piece of my soul. But why... people just expect you to go on. You cant have a day to just be sad... who would make supper? Do laundry? Clean the house? Do the kids homework? Live does carry on. Wether you like it or not. We just have to carry on.
One thing that I have been thinking about lately especially probably because Thanksgiving was just here, was omg.. I hear people talking about how hard their life is... how they have so much to do. or that they kids are doing this or this or that to piss them off. I see people mistreating their loved ones, especially where I work, I just see more and more. It really hits you, well me anyway. I feel like just screaming at them... HELLO you have your loved ones with you. Enjoy it, enjoy them love them. You wont have them with you forever. Dont take full advantage of them. Each day that passes, each thing your loved one does, is right here this moment and it wont happen again. You wont have this day ever again. Like say your 15 month old just learned how to say cookie? Just as an example... that child will never learn that again. That child right here right now just did something you should try to remember forever. Or you see your child all snuggled up really cute with a teddy or a blanket or something. Take the time to sit and take that moment in. It may never happen again. If your child comes to cuddle with you, they will grow up and not want to cuddle again. I just love when Alyssa comes and cuddles with me in the mornings. I wish her bed was on the floor so we could cuddle at night... but her bed is a loft bed on the ceiling :( I have been trying really hard lately to take in some moments. Here are a few of our moments lately. Alyssa and I drove to Peterborough Monday, as mom forgot her purse here on sun thanksgiving. We talked and enjoyed laughing about stuff. We took in a movie. I got her to read to me a book she is reading a few times. With Kyle, on Saturday we went outside Alyssa was over at her friends house... and we went into the front and he climbed the tree. We laughed alot, and he pulled branches out of both trees that were dead he could reach. It was really really fun to sit in the grass looking up, it was beautiful day warm and sunny. Then we went exploring out in out back field. That was fun. We sat in his room and watched a movie. Just us two. The kids are all into video games. So a few times now we go to this second hand place and they trade old ones for ones they havent played yet. They love going there and doing that. Thats just a few lately... because Im trying really hard to take these moments in. I get mad at myself when I miss out on things like this... But then sometimes I just cant concentrate on anything but missing my son. Or just housework.
Ugh I totally dont know what the heck I am even talking about. I just sit here and start to type, have no idea what Im going to write and then there you have it. Before I know it I have written all this garble. Sorry about that. I dont know what all I have written. Probably sounds like Im whining or venting. Both of which I must have felt I needed to do. And where is there a better place then to write it out and it feels a lot better.
I am looking forward to Halloween. I have the house all spooky decorated. I love halloween I always have. There is stuff everywhere upstairs. Looks great. Christmas on the other hand... Used to be my favorite holiday. Not anymore. I was just telling my parents the other day that Im soooo not looking forward to xmas. Thats a whole nother update...
Thanks for letting me vent.
Take care everyone...
Angela
Tuesday, September 5, 2006 11:04 AM CDT
I seem to have more and more to write about these days. I didnt know if I would do any updates on our family since Jacob passed. I have tried to find things to write about for the last 18 months. Believe me it has been very hard. I would have Scott and my mom asking me to do one if I let it go too long. Since the wedding, we have gotten internet at home. I have more time to go onto the internet. I guess as long as people still come to the website and still would like to hear how we are doing... I might as well do updates. Obviously I dont write too much personal stuff in these entries. You just never know who might be reading ;)
I hope you all had a great Labor Day!!! We didnt have too busy of a week or weekend. Mostly worked and stuff. I had sat. off this weekend. I had already gotten all Alyssas back to school stuff. So it was Kyles turn to go shopping with us. Dont tell him I said this! lol but I think he had a great time shopping with me! He said on one occasion... This is like a shopping spree! I tild him I was in all my glory. I love to buy things for the kids. Especially when they appreciate it so much. So all day we spent shopping and getting all the other back to school stuff they needed.! Sat night we had a pretty good rain storm. We are out in the country now, and we lost our power. Well I had like 15 candles lit. I hate the dark... It was only our for over an hour probably, so thank heavens.
Yesterday, Scott worked. Me and the kids spent the morning slumming around. We left for Kyles last soccer game in the afternoon. Sadly they lost, but not without Kyle getting a great assist, and the team trying their hardest. Soon Kyles hockey starts, and alyssa with her dance, and they both want to play indoor soccer this year. Then its track and volleyball, and basketball... ect. lol Im happy they are both into sports. I hear it keeps them out of trouble! ;)
Oh I dont even know if I mentioned it or not yet... But Kyle is living with us now full time. It was something he has asked his dad about for awhile now, and we couldnt be more thrilled. We love him to death, and I love him so much. He is such a great kid. It will be an adjustment for us all, but if its what Kyle wants, it sure would be for the best then.
I was cleaning up old emails... and I came across this one that was sent to me just after Jacob passed away. It has a special poem on it... Ill paste it here for you to read. It brought a tear to my eyes....
MEMORIES OF MY SON
Pictures of yesterday, happened upon.
Sweet, precious pictures of you, my son.
They're from a time that can't be erased.
And my heart fairly breaks as I gaze on your face.
Stirrings arouse in me...words can't explain.
I want to go back, but I can never again.
Such a sweet pleasant child, how I wish you were here.
To reassure me with hugs and your own special cheer.
To see your beautiful smile just one more time.
And hear that you love me, would make everything fine.
Though I yearn for all this. I know it can't be.
Oh God, why on earth did this happen to me?
The pain of losing you is so hard to bear,
I hurt so badly, does anyone care?
This is not what was supposed to be,
I want and need my son; can't you see?
I want to love him and care for him and have lots of fun.
And I'm sad, because those days will never come.
Instead, a precious life was cut chort,
Two years of memories are my moral support.
I'm trying to live--day by day.
How can I do this? I wish it weren't this way.
This love for you is mine to keep;
Pain is the price for the love so deep.
You're with me every day, you live in my heart
And none of this will ever depart.
I'll look at your pictures, and remember with love,
Because you're at peace now...with God above.
~Unknown
This morning I drove the kids to school. We didnt get Kyle till Thurs night, so we had to sign them up to school on Fri am. So they wont be on the bus route until Wed or Thurs this week. School starts here at 915 and ends about 3-315. So I asked them if it was ok if I hung out for a bit and talked to the other parents and seen if they were making out ok until the bell rang for them to go inside. They were cool with it. A few minutes after being there, Alyssa was off to the swings. She ran over a little later to tell me all about her new grade 4 friends that she met!!! So that didnt take her long to make friends. I was worried for nothing! Me and Kyle hung out for a little bit walking around. Then I think he didnt want people to see me with him so he went wandering looking around. The principle saw him and took him over to the other grade 7 boys and from what I saw he seemed to be doing ok! Whew...both kids made friends pretty quickly. I think it might be harder on us parents... We want to ensure that they are ok, making friends, and having a good time. They are such great kids. I know they will be as happy as they were at their old schools hopfully. I talked to some of the parents, and they all seemed nice. Had nice things to say about the school. Its a pretty small schoool, with only about 200 or so kids. So the kids have lots of attention from the teachers, and it seems that everyone knows everyone. Which is great. I know they will do alright.
Well that is prob long enough as it is... lol If you havent read the wedding journal, it is in my journal history. There is two now! So much for not keeping updated lol. Thank you all so much for the continued support after all this time still. 18 months later and it seems so hard to believe that people still come to this website and check on my family. It has helped me get by day to day more then I could ever write here. So thank you...
Hugs
Angela
Saturday, September 2, 2006 10:08 AM CDT
I updated about the wedding in my last journal entry!!! In case you didnt see that before this update!
This is a cool thing I think!!!
Ok, I think this is neat... You dont have to believe me but I take this as a small sign... well actually a pretty big one from my little angel!
My cousin that was in our wedding party held a shower for me before the wedding. Part of her gift was a little heart silver keychain that she got ingraved with our initials. She had a large letter M in the middle for Mifflin, my new last name. And on either side is a letter
A and a letter S for Angela and Scott. She had the A put first so if you look at it there is a smaller A, then a large M then a smaller S.
At work last night the cook asked me if my keychain was for SMA??? I said why? She said because it says it backwards!!!! I never realized that before. If she had of put Scott first I would have seen it being SMA not AMS.
Cool eh! Now I truly believe more then ever my angel did bring Scott to me.
We met on the net lol!!! I wanted someone to talk to and in my profile I said unless you want to know what SMA was then to not bother talking to me, that I was only looking for some chatter online when I could. Being in the house 24/7 !!! Scott kept emailing me about SMA was totally curious and actually researched what it was and wanted to
know all about Jacob and stuff! I really think thats awsome, and another sign I didnt get from Jacob until someone else figured it out for me. He sure works in miricles! I love you bud!
Sorry just thought that was the neatest thing. And cant believe that
I didnt figure it out until now!
Hugs
Ange
Wednesday, August 30, 2006 8:12 PM CDT
I am sooo sorry for not updating in so long…
I thought that I had better get my update for the wedding and the honeymoon finished before I forgot about what all happened. I wont bore you with too many details. I just know that some of you would like a little update as to what all happened. Ok let me see what all I can remember???
To start, I guess I better tell of my best friend in the world coming down!!!! Yeah!!!! It seemed like forever before Carol was going to be here. I couldn’t hardly sleep waiting to go and pick her up that Sat night. Man that seems like forever ago doesn’t it Carol? Almost a month now??? Well see arrived and left safe and sound! We had so much fun catching up on things. Hard to believe that we have only met in person 3 times now eh??? It was amazing, wonderful, nice, and awesome to have you here with us Carol. Next time we are taking a turn and coming to Carolina!!! And I know I have said it before… but I wanted to say it again. Im sorry for how crazy I was. I was probably a crazy hostess. I cant believe how much stress is involved in getting ready for a wedding! I really hope that you did enjoy being here even though it was crazy! So, all week we caught up and finished all the last minute details and things. Friday night before the wedding some of the wedding party was able to come down to Peterborough for the rehearsal and the dinner. That all went great, and we were back to moms for a small party! Alyssa and I went to bed about 11:00 and everyone else stayed pretty late, a few were up till I guess 430 aham am… lol I guess I missed a good time. But I was exhausted from all the planning and setting up the hall and everything we had to do. I needed the sleep!
I woke up at like 6 am and couldn’t sleep. I think just nerves. I was just sitting outside on moms front step, (scott stayed at the hotel with friends and his brother and kyle) thinking about all that we had to get done. Everyone else started to wake up a little later. I enjoyed the time to myself to start the busy day!!! Man I tell you. I have never been soooo happy and so excited in my life. We had our morning coffees (thanks Tanya!!!) and showers, then headed off to the hair stylist we had an apt at 8am!!! Yah I know, we had to have our hair done all day until 430 and I prayed that it would last all day. She super glued all our hair I swear. It was so much fun. Then we had time to spare! We had to go and pick up all the girls dresses and mine, and alyssas from the bridal shop. So I walked around town with my veil lol! We went to the store so I could get some $s out, then we went to wallmart to get some other makeup and slippers b/c I had a really sore foot and knew I would need them after walking in heels. Now that was priceless! We all had our hair done and me with my veil and tiara, and Alyssa with hers lol. Carol snapped a pic I would love to see that. Then we went to get some sandwiches and be back to moms by about 1. I came to find out that while we had all this running around done the boys just stayed at the hotel all day and had a few beer and watched tv! Must be nice.
So we get back to moms, and get together all the things we needed to get done. By then Scotts mom, and sisters arrived with our flowers and talked for a bit. Then we all had to pile into one van as our cars were all lent out to do this or that… Let me see, there was Tanya driving, me and Alyssa in the front seat, mom, and jaine in back seat, and carol on the floor surrounded by tons of flowers. Thank heavens we didn’t get pulled over. All the dresses were in the back of the van and there was not an inch of room to spare. We got to the hotel and started getting ready by 2pm. By 4 we were all ready and went outside to wait till about 5-10 after to leave. We got to the church by different vehicles and then were to meet in the lower level of the church. The flowers were missing and we couldn’t find them anywhere?? I was so scared! They turned up and we all got in line and then just like that dad was walking me down the isle and we were married before you knew it! It was a beautiful service and things went along smoothly. I didn’t say anything wrong lol and kept it together. I was really giddish and could barely contain my excitement. Everyone was beautiful and all the guys were as handsome as could be. The weather was perfect and not a cloud in the sky! I still cant get over how fast it all happened. We had a picture beside our unity candle for Jacob and he had his own candle lit that we took to the dinner and dance also. He was mentioned by the reverend many times and was included all though the day.
Then pictures in front of the church, and off to the millennium park where Jacobs’s memorial plaque was in the butterfly children’s garden. It was so beautiful. As we were walking to where we wanted the first pics done carol and others were telling us that we couldn’t go just yet, to walk a little further. So we walked and walked and ended up at the garden. Then out came this box…. It was a beautiful white box. I knew instantly it was carols surprise! She had it all planned out. With help from Lori, Janet, (scotts sisters) and Shelise, scotts niece, and Karen (scotts mom) they all helped carol get these butterflies packed on ice from Ottawa, to Belleville to Peterborough. WOW!!! There were tears flowing! We released them and had to hold them all up on our fingers and they flew off all but one. One large monarch butterfly stayed on my finger and didn’t want to fly away. Gee who could that have been visiting. It was literally amazing. I gave it to Alyssa to hold, she gave it to kyle, to scott, to my dad, to Shelise, then back to me and then we put it on Jacobs plaque and it flew to his name. And still stayed there for awhile. When we walked away to get pics it flew to the tree right beside us. I still think it’s a little weird that it stayed there and there happened to be only one little butterfly that didn’t fly away? I think that was one of the truest signs that we have gotten yet! Carol thank you again for that gift. It will be remembered forever. Something that everyone at the wedding will never forget. That just made our day. So special and only an amazing person like you would have thought of something like that. I love you. Also thanks to everyone else that helped carol get it all figured out and make sure they lived and stayed on ice and then took care of them while she was with me. Thanks so much. That was an amazing thing to witness once again.
After pictures we were off to the dinner and dance. The dinner was amazing and thanks so much aunt lorrie. It was so good and you did a wonderful job. The speeches were hilarious!!! Scotts best man did an amazing job. I don’t think anyone could have done a better job at all. It was soooo funny, and yet serious when it needed to be. Excellent work! Thanks again. All the speeches were great and you all did awesome. My dad, you did awesome. Thanks for everything you have done for us. I love you and mom so much.
The dance was so much fun. I had a blast and it was nice to see everyone have such a good time. I cant wait to see the wedding video of the dance. We have seen one video now that was of the wedding and the speeches, so im sure the one for the dance will be just as good! They all did such a great job. Paul thanks again. You and Kathy helped us out so much throughout the day with driving and helping set up the room, and then videoing. Thanks a lot. Scotts uncle Brian took our pictures! We saw a few of them through email I cant wait to see the others! Thanks brian. There were a lot of people taking pictures. So to all of you thanks for helping out with that, and we love the ones we have seen so far. And cant wait to see the others.
Scott and I left the dance a little earlier then the rest of the party. We were beat!!! When we got up it was so peaceful. The wedding was over. There was nothing else to do. The day was perfect everything was perfect. Now we could relax. We opened the presents at moms and had a lunch there. Then we were all off to HOME! We all got home and just crashed and vegged out. It was great lol!!! We thought things would slow done now that the wedding was over. Well it hasn’t stopped since! There was the honeymoon with the kids to buffalo. That was a blast. The kids loved the park and the RAIN!!! Yup sat and sun it rained all day. Fri was great but the rest of the weekend it rained!!! We ran out of dry clothes! But we made the best of it and loved the fireworks and the waterpark. Had a great time. If you ever get a chance to go. I swear they have the worlds bestest fastest roller coaster there, the superman!!! It was awesome!
As you all know it was Jacobs birthday on sun. I did my last entry to him as I wouldn’t be here for that. We missed him tons on sun, and he was thought of all day. Mom took him flowers to his grave and some balloons. They flew out of the car before she was able to get the door closed. I laughed, saying Jacob wanted them then and didn’t want to wait! He loved his balloons. Scotts mom also had some flowers here at the house for us with a little balloon in it with a teddy bear saying thinking of you on it. Our families are so thoughtful!
Then we are home and we are trying to get things caught up around here. Getting the kids ready for back to school, getting them their clothes and school gear! We are hoping that once they are back in school things will slow down here and have a bit of ‘normalcy’ lol is there such a thing as a slow normal married life??? I sure hope so!
Mom and dad just left, they were here for a visit and we spent all day house shopping!!! For my PARENTS!!!! It was so much fun. Just the thought of them moving here soon! It couldn’t be soon enough! YEAH!!
Ok I think that’s enough for now. Hope that wasn’t too much or too little details! It was a wonderful last couple of weeks that we know my little son had a helping hand in. Jacob im greatful, proud, and blessed to have had you as a son, and now as my little angel, my little helper I talk to all the time. Love you and miss you babybear.
Ange
Tuesday, August 22, 2006 9:26 AM CDT
Please pray for the Coggin family
Grace Dyan Coggin
Mar, 3/04 ~ Aug 17/06
SMA Type 1
We love you Grace,
Give Jacob a big hug from us and I hope he shared his cake with you. Fly free princess
Angel Grace's website
Thursday, August 17, 2006 2:31 PM CDT
Hey everyone, we just finished SHOPPING at Wallmart getting all the things we needed for our trip to Buffalo 6 Flags Darien Lake this weekend. Stopped here at Scotts dads house to do a quick update. I still dont have time to write about our wedding day yet. We have to hurry home and finish packing before I head off to work from 7-3 am tonight. There is just so much to write about. Ill do my best to update next week after we are home. You will need a coffee and a cushion to get through it lol!
I just wanted to make sure that I had time to write to my sweet angel boy before I left.
Jacob hunny.... What can I say??? How do I put what I feel into words???
I miss you. You are turning 3 on Sunday. 3 years old. 3 years ago I met you for the first time. 3 years ago my life changed forever. I knew you were sooooo special from the first time I laid eyes on you. My little angel boy. My angel sent right from heaven. Man I would do anything to have you here with us. You are sooo special and still such a HUGE part of our everyday lives. Not a day goes by that I dont think of you.
Thank you so much for making your presense known all throughout the day Sat. I know that last butterfly that stuck around all day had something to do with you. Everyone was amazed. Your at work still buddy. And I just know that you had so much to do with bringing my husband into my life. You knew what you were doing all along. We all miss you so much. I have been missing you so much and thinking about you all this week. We will be in Buffalo on Sun... I wont be able to go to your monument but know that you will be in our thoughts. I wanted to have a little cake for you and light a little "3" candle for you... Maybe when we get home next week Ill be able to go and visit with you for a bit. You know that I dont need to be 'there' to feel close to you. You are in our hearts and minds no matter where we are.
I still cant believe that you have been away from us now just as long as you were with us. 18 months have passed??? Where did that time go??? Just like that time goes by. Im rambling now I dont have the words to express what I want to say. I cant put into words even how I feel. I think only the angel moms have a clue what Im talking about. Ill be wishing on 'our' star still baby boy. Ill be looking into the clouds all weekend. Make sure you send mommy a sign sometime on Sun. Ill see it...
Sending you big hugs and kisses baby bear. My heart is full of so much love, so much happiness because of all your angel work. Thank you baby for changing my life. For making me a better person. You influence us all daily.
Love mom
Thanks everyone for all the help this past week. Ill get to all the thank yous and details as soon as I can. I gotta get back and start packing!!!
Ange
Wednesday, August 16, 2006 9:53 AM CDT
MAN OH MAN!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
We are married! Things went so amazing and beautiful! I couldn't have asked for a better day! Jacob was with us throughout the day! I have SOOOO MUCH to tell you all about the day. BUT Im here at the library and the 33 minutes that I have left is so not long enough to tell you about the day. So here is a couple pics to hold you over till I have access to the comp to do a great update!
Carols surprise was amazing!!! It was a bunch of butterflies that we let go in the garden and man tears were flowing!!!! Ill tell you more about that later.
I hope these are not too big and they come through for you to see.....
I promise to do an update as soon as I can....
Love to you all.
Angela
Wednesday, August 9, 2006 9:40 PM CDT
Here is the email I just sent to my chat.... Only have time to copy and paste
As you can see I just tried to catch up a bit on emails here at moms while I had a bit of spare time.
I just cant believe that in 3 days Im going to be married!!!!!!!!
I hate not having a computer. Catching up is getting harder and harder to do.
Today was difficult, hard, happy and exciting all rolled into one.
I had lots of little things to get done here in Peterborough while I was here.
I took Carol to Jacobs memorial plaque site at the Childrens Butterfly garden first. Took lots of pics. That Millinium park is where we are getting our wedding pics done. Its sooo beautiful and also I can include Jacob and have him near us.
Then went to get our dressing for the final fitting...
Went to Micheals to get our candles for the church. Picked out Jacobs candle. We are burning one also for him at the ceremony and then taking it to the dinner/dance and it will be on its own table with his picture burning all night for his presence. Then we went to his grave site as when she was down last winter she never got to see his headstone it wasnt up yet. We took 2 hours up there. We sat on the grass under the maple tree. Jacobs favorite tree thats also in moms backyard and he used to sit under it on the long swing looking up at the leaves blowing. He loved it. So we layed under it, just sat and talked. We cleaned it up... all the grass and weeds out of hte garden. It was just relaxing to take a few hours out of this busy week and just sit there... you know. I never like going there.... I havent been in months. But I needed to today. I cant explain it. I just needed that time up there. It was peaceful. Noone around but us. Quiet, trees blowing, beautiful warm day sun shining... Just needed that time.
I have so many emotions right now. Im doing my best to be so happy and thrilled about all the good in my life right now. Then I am also trying my hardest to include the most amazing little angel. That special amazing beautiful little boy brought two amazing people into my life right now. I have carol here with me... being my maid of honor... I have my future husband with me... because of Jacob. He brought both those people into my life. (Thats a whole other email for the new ones on chat right now) If you would like to hear that story email me off chat and ILl send it to you after the wedding!!! But I have so much to be thankful for... to be happy about and all week I have had little moments where I just think of Jacob. Picture him being wheeled down the isle like Lora did with Ryan.... and wishing he was here to celebrate with us. Ugh... I hope everyone is doing ok.
Im thinking of you all and wish I could have more time to 'meet' and read about all the new ones on chat. Im keeping all the emails to read when I can... dont yah love gmail!!! Ill catch up after the wedding and honeymoon when I can.
Take care everyone.
Big Hugs
Ange
Also I would like to ask you all a favor. On our wedding night... at 8:00 p.m. on August 12, 2006, join us for the Third Annual Nationwide SMA Candle Lighting Event. August is SMA Awareness month, and as such, we choose to use the 2nd Saturday in August every year as a time to reflect on those lost, as well as to honor those living daily with SMA. As this event continues to grow, we hope to bring awareness to the public about the disorder as well as unity to the families living with it, as we all join to spread the light of our candles around the world. We hope you will join us.
Spread the light-and the word. I copied that too from another email!
UGH I have no time right now. Please wish my luck... nerves have just about had it! I know it will all go amazing... just wedding frustrations and praying everything goes smooth and without too many hiccups!
Hugs Angela
Saturday, July 22, 2006 11:00 PM
Man, I feel like I have not updated in weeks there has been so much going on and things to tell you all! Let me try to get you updated
Where to begin??? I left off with Bear becoming a man I think? lol Well we are pretty sure that he did ok in that aspect I think. Mom and dad decided to keep him here at their house (Dad was thrilled! he loves Bear!) for about 4 days and they dropped him off at his girlfriends house for a few hours then they picked him up later. And did that for 4 days. He loved it! All you had to do was say to him, Bear wanna go see Nelly? Wanna see your girlfriend and he would get all hyper!!!! So we will know in about 4 weeks if he is going to be a daddy! Our other dog the german sheppard, thats scotts dog, well she has a really infected foot. Last week we noticed her paw her pinky toe was swollen. Thought she might have done something but she wasnt limping and it didnt bother her so we left it... stupid us.... She was running on the grass, and when she hit the concrete I tell yah, I havent heard a dog howl and cry like that ever before. There was the kids, me, Scotts sister Lori, and our neighbor and his son there. Scott was at work working nights. So Me and Lori panicked and called all the vets to find the on call one. Well Dave said she would be ok, give her a tylonal and take her in the morning because its huge $s for after hours. So in the AM I took her and the vet thought she might have punctured it by stepping on something and its just infected. So we are hoping the $90 two weeks worth of meds will heal it. If they swelling and pain didnt go down after a week then we have to bring her back, be put to sleep and xrayed and then her paw opened up to see if there is still something in it... ugh. That might be about a $1000 friggin sliver she has in her foot... But you gotta do whatcha gotta do. The swelling has gone down since last monday, but its still bothering her every once in awhile so she will have to go back and see what they say. We have a feeling moms 13 year old lab might be heading to heaven soon. He has slowed down on eating and needs to be put outside all hours of the night. So we are hoping he makes it longer but we dont want him to suffer either so its sort of a wait and see thing right now. We love him and he has been an awsome dog.
Ummmm..... wedding stuff. I told you we got the flowers the other week... well I said red roses... they are yellow.. in the boquet. We finally got our party favors, I finished getting the things for the center pieces for the tables, the cake, my girls dresses came in. And they all have them and they are getting hemmed! Yeah Carol, yours doesnt need the hem. I cant wait to show you all pics of the dresses. All the girls (except ccarol) have the same skirt. Its beautiful, and crinlin and looks like a ball gown! Then they all picked out different tops. So they all look amazing. Carols bottom is different then the other girls so you can tell she is the maid of honor. YEAH! 2 weeks today and Ill be picking you up in toronto!!!! Things are coming along great in the wedding dept. Im not even that stressed yet about it all! I cant believe that! lol Scott did all the wine, we just have to label them. Ahem... Scott I know your reading this... please remember to get that license soon so we can get hitched lol!!! Gotta remind the men any way you can lol. Actually Scott has been great. He went with me to get the favors and things we needed, and stuck it out. As much as he likes being in Michels!!! Can I say again what a great guy Ive been so lucky to catch. He has helped out with so much stuff. Even just the everyday stuff. Dishes, sweeping, mopping! lol He does it all girls! I sure am lucky. Love yah hun! LOL Scott says the neighbors prob think hes a jerk, cause they always see me mowing the lawn. I wont let scott cut it. I havent had my own grass to cut ever, so if he wants to cut the lawn I wont let him and I do it. I love cutting the grass. So they always see me out there ever few days and he said they prob think he makes me do it. !!! thats funny.
We are going to be so happy when this week is over with. We had so much going on it was ridiculous. Mon we had off... his friend Corey and wife Marie, the amazing wonder jack of all trades woman came over and we started demo on our family/master bedroom. Got most of the supplies and got at it. Its coming along nice. We now have a wall up where you walked from dining room to family room, which will be our new master. Then tues, I had to work nights, we did lots of running through the day. GOt home about 3, got up wed, we did more running and tried to pick out our king bed and frame and stuff. Still havent found the best bargin yet. Then I went to work for 7 got home about 330. Thurs got up, started more demo with Corey, and then went to work at 7 got home at 430 am. Got up early fri, cleaned, cleaned, cleaned, Scott did most of it actually and let me sleep in a bit! Did runnign for our Jack and Jill, scott had tons to get done, his twin Mike came over with a Tracy who did an amazing job on the trays. We did up all the veggie, meat, buns and stuff. Got that done, then they went to decorate the hall. Which by the way looked great. They did such a great job. Thanks so much to everyone who helped put it together. Scott has a ball tournament all weekend first game 6pm. So he went to ball, and my parents, my cousin Kathy and her hunny Paul, drove everyone, with Tanya and her hunny Matt. So when scott got back from ball we all went to the Jack and Jill. Man what a good time we all had. I think everyone had as great a time as us! So far Ive only heard good things. Scotts best man Jeff ran this awsome game. Its like horse racing, you spin a wheel which Kyle took over for the night and did good! and it will stop on say.. horse 5 and move 1 2 3 4 spots. THen they moved that horse that many times. Whoseever got to the end won. Everyone loved it. We had lots of other games but we never got them out??? We were all too busy cutting the rug on the dance floor. Yes I was out there making a fool of myself dancing. I didnt drink that much but man I was hammered lol! Carol I wish you coulda saw me lol! So again thanks to the many of you that helped put that all togehter. Mike you did great. I had a great time. Huge hugs to you all.
Now...mom and dad and the others came back to the house to get their stuff before heading back to peterpatch... well mom said she didnt want to leave me lol.... I guess... I was sitting on the floor, well sometimes layed flat out saying I had to puke but couldnt move or I would bla bla bla.. lol I was a mess. Somehow I was in bed when I woke up with a bucket ahem... used beside me. I dont remember getting sick or going to bed. So I guess 5 drinks for me is too many! lol Cheap drinker eh! lol
Well, then after that today we all had to get up soo early. So another night with only a few hours sleep. I had to pick Alyssa up from church camp, she went to wesley acres for a week. She had a BLAST! She sooo loves God and believes with all her heart. Im so proud of her. She said it was the best week of her life. YEAH!!! This is the second year for her to go to it. So I had to drive scott downtown to get his car, we of course cabbed it home. He had a $10 parking ticket! He had to be at his ball tournament for 8 am. I had to get alyssa between 8-10 and its about 45 minute drive. GOt there to get her, and they were still eating breakfast. Waited and then drove to her cabin got her stuff we headed back to belleville to get Kyle who starts his soccer tournament at 1140. Scott got back from his first ball game, we both feel and look like crap, so he said he would take kyle and miss his other 2 games today didnt feel like playing and didnt want me to do so much driving. What a sweety eh. So Scott left to take Kyle to Kingston about an hour away, me and alyssa cuddled and ended up falling asleep for a nap. About 2-3 hours later we woke up to what I thought was a tornado smashing the house. I freaked alyssa screamed and i told her to run out and get someone anyone. It was a hose that burst from the air compresser for hte well. WATER everywhere. I was soaked tried turning all the taps off couldnt see nothing water was flying all over. My neighbor comes and unpluggs it lol DUH. SO we sorta fixed it. Scott gets back with Kyle pickes us up, we all go back to Kingston for his 4 pm game... Which they tried so hard. He won his morning game and lost the second. But they were so good. got back home... then packed up and had to head in to peterborough to stay the night here at moms cause the surprise shower they are having for me is sun afternoon. lol THats a funny story how I found out about it. Let me start by saying that mom cant keep a secret. She tells me everything with a bit of nagging lol! But dad one day asked me to find a piece of paper to write on for him. So he asked me what was written on one and I said "Shower aug 23" lol he was like ughhhhh!!!!!!! So this time dad let it slip! I hate surprises anyway. So Im staying here and going to the shower that my wonderful cousin Kathy has put together for me. Her and mom have worked really hard to make this great. I cant thank you all enough for all you have done. Even though I said I didnt want any of this stuff..... lol
So Sccott has ball tomorrow and kyle is finishing his tournament, and we are here for the shower. Then we have full weeks next week working. Im stuck with 5 nights in a row next week, wed - sun. That means 5 days of only about 4-5 if I lucky a night sleep. Then finally a week to relax then YEAH YEAH YEAH Carol will be here!!! I cant wait. We are gonna have sooooo much to takl about and do! I soo hope that you have a good time here. I know we will!
I dont even know what all Ive written now. So Ill just call it a night. I am beyond exhausted! So thanks to everyone who helped out with the Jack and Jill. It was a really fun night. From the bottom of my heart, Thanks.
Jacob hunny, I miss you so much. You are never ever far from my thoughts. Your always in my heart. Thank you for keeping Alyssa safe while at camp. I know she misses you too. Your work is never done. Its because of you that me and Scott met, its because of you I am who I am today. Your my angel forever. My guidence to be a better person. All my love sweet baby bear. Kisses to heaven.
And to "a friend" I love that poem. I have read it over and over again many times. I have been sent that and still love to read it every once in awhile. So thanks for the tears... I think I needed to release them today. But there are no strangers here. I ask that if you come to my sons site, if you have time to sign the guestbook to let us know you were here we really appreciate it. It keeps me going this journal. And my internet family taht I have grown to love each and everyone of you so much. So dont ever feel like you cant leave your name. Its just us old regulars that have shed more then a few tears together here. Again, thanks for the poem I love it everytime I read it.
Night everyone!
Blessings
Ange
Tuesday, July 11, 2006 2:23 PM CDT
Hey everyone.
SOrry for not being able to update in so long. I still have no computer access. I have to come down to the library and use theirs. ANd I only get an hour to read all my email and then reply and stuff.
Things are going great. I just got all the wedding flowers ordered and they are going to be so beautiful. I think the guy picked out great ones. THey are crisantham (sp?) lilies? And HUGE red roses. And other flowers. They will look great.
Lots of working. I work till about 3-4 in the morning. UGH
We just painted Kyles room RED> Man that sucked, but turned out great and looks awsome. It took 2 gallons and 6 coats.
I only have 9 minutes left soIll make this short. Ill update more when Im at moms.
Oh bear is going to be a stud dog! He is going tomorrow to ahem! be with another sheltie. Then in about 4 months he is breading another auzzie!!! What a guy! Earning his living now lol!!!
K gotta hurry!
Hugs
Angela
Thursday, June 22, 2006 2:02 PM CDT
Hey everyone!!!
Just here at my moms for the day. And I wanted you all to know that this weekend, Sunday at 1PM Jacobs name will be going up in the Childrens Memorial Garden, in the Millenium Park. Through Bereaved Families of Ontario, once they get 18 childrens names, they place them all on a plaque and this is the 7th one. This is very special to me. Forever Jacobs name will be remembered in the Millenium park. I cant wait till its raised. I dont have a good camera but will use moms to take a few pics and when I get them developed I will upload them for you all to see it.
Things are going great. We are loving our new house. TOday Alyssa went to school at lunch hour to see her friends and the whole class was talking to her and playing and missing her. It was awsome to see her have such great friends. She sure is a special kid. Tues night she scored a goal in soccer and won 6 or 7 to 0!!! They are doing great.
Kyle comes home this weekend. He will be so excited to see the house all together finally!
Here is a poem that was sent to me from another angel mom. I love it!
Always With You
Your heart may be heavy and aching
Now that I'm no longer here,
But though you may shed many tears
Let memories banish your fear.
My arms are no longer around you,
My lips cannot speak of my love,
But I'm with you in spirit each day,
As I look down from Heaven above.
The house may be silent without me,
It doesn't mean I can't be there,
And when every night that you sleep,
Our love in your dreams we still share.
As you continue alone on the earth,
I'll be with you each step of the way,
I can still be the strength that you need
To carry you through each new day.
Although I know you can't see me,
Our spirits are joined as before,
So whenever you feel uplifted
Know it's me just loving you more.
In Heaven we're given a gift
To still tend to the ones left behind,
So smile when you think of me,
I remain in your heart and your mind.
Copyright Marian Jones 2001
Take care,
OH! I have had a ton of interviews! I took two jobs. One at M&M meats, and another at a brand new restaurant, called Earls and Angelos. It sounds like an amazing place to work. A bit on the classy side, and up scale! HOpe that they work out great and between the two I dont work too many hours. Hoping for about 40 but it may be more!!!
Hugs
Angela
Monday, June 19, 2006 11:41 AM CDT
HEY EVERYONE!!!!!!
We are HOME!!! I am sooooo happy. I just cant believe it. The house is so amazing. I feel soooo blessed. The move was pretty stressful. We had quite a few road blocks. But thankfully to Scotts parents helping me and scott unload the truck thurs night into her garage, then loading the truck with scotts house. We got it all done. I still cant believe that we loaded and unloaded our stuff "6" times!!! WOW. UGH Scott is pretty banged up to say the least. Broken toes, crushed fingers. UGh. My mom came for the weekend. I cant thank you enough for all your help. Scotts family made sure we were all fed, and had lots of coffee! We are so lucky to have such supportive parents. Scotts friends were so helpful. They are oxs. They moved all my house into the truck in like 2 hours??? Man they work hard. Thanks for all your help from the bottom of my heart.
We have been swimming everyday to cool off every once in a while. Its been hot! The house is like 2100 - 2500 feet! So lots of space to fill! We needed that room for both our things though. Now soccer for the two kids, scotts baseball, job hunting and scott working is becoming our new normal. And I am thrilled about it. Totally!!!
Things are coming along. The house is starting to look like a home. We are having a hockey party tonight. That should be fun. I hope that some people come for it.
Ill try to update when I can. Our new phone number is 613-771-0034 if you need to get ahold of us.
Ill update when I can, but I have to come and use the librarys computer here and I can only go on it for an hour a time. So Ill try to stop in when I can and let you know how we are doing until we get hte internet. We are having trouble getting internet set up, so it might not be till later in the fall when its better for us to get it. Too many little things that we need right now.
Thanks for everything. I miss all the kids.
Oh could you please say a prayer for SHira. She just turned one and is in the PICU right now. She plugged bad but her father Brad was able to revive her quickly and she is recovering well.
Dad, happy fathers day. Thank you for all your help, not only over the past few weeks but for everything over the years. You have a big heart. I love yah.
Hugs
Ange
Thursday, June 8, 2006 10:02 AM CDT
Only 6 more days!!!!!
I am soooo excited. Not only to be moving into the new house, but mainly to spend time with my fiance!!! It will be so much better to finally be able to live together and not have this long distance between us. Alyssa is also very excited. She is staying at moms from Wed the 15th, when we move till the Fri. Or else she would have had to go to a belleville school. So she will be getting off school the last two weeks. I signed her up for soccer in belleville. Her and Kyle play on Tues nights. That way she can meet some kids in the area. So far she has played two games, and they won both! She is great at soccer and loves it so much> Same with Kyle he is on a rep team!!!
The packing is going. Cant say its going good. Who loves to pack? Not me!!! lol The closer it gets to the move day the less and less I can sleep. I just cant wait. I sure hope that a job gets lined up soon. I have an interview for a deli down there on the weekend. I really dont like the hours but if I get hte job Ill take it for now till something better comes up. But its mon and tues 7-1 and then sat and sun 7-4. So everyweekend Ill be working. That totally sucks. And when I tell them I need two weekends off in Aug for the weeding and then for our trip with the kdis the next weekend they may not even give me the job. I was praying for that job at home to happen but so far no luck. I emailed the girl last week and she said they are still screening people and that the position hasnt been filled yet. So maybe that will end up being the job I get. I sure hope so.
We think that we have found a high speed internet thing that we can use. That will be great. I just cant picture not having the internet. Iwould go crazy!!!
Sorry I havent been able to visit any of our friends online. As you can imagine I have been really busy. I lost my internet on the 1st so I have been coming to moms to use hers sometimes. We had a yard sale last weekend. Mostly Alyssas stuff. It of course rained on Saturday and wreaked the day. So we did it on sun. Alyssa made abbout 30-40 and so did I! She loved making her own money.
Gotta run. Take care everyone and Ill catch up soon.
Ange
Friday, May 26, 2006 10:00 AM
Im behind.... ok really behind, on here and life! I had to delete 2000 emails :( :( :(
Between moving in less then three weeks YEAH, and planning the wedding, and doc appts, and packing, and work, and life, and and and .... im behind. Even more so just plain ole’ stressed. I really am. Emotions everywhere… Good ones, sad ones, painful ones, and excited ones, so on…
I lose the internet as of the 1st and where we are moving they have not upgraded the phone or cable lines so NO high speed UGH, so we have to look at if we can afford some kind of satellite internet or something???? NO idea where to start there. But Bell and cogeco told us that they don’t supply service there. So I have no idea when Ill be back. But I have gmail and am back down to like 30% full, so Ill be able to still get the emails to scroll through down the road. Ill also check them and try to do another update before we move from moms computer. Keep you all updated!!!
I’m hoping that somehow I can get some kind of internet as the job I’ve had 2 interviews for now is stay at home full time internet booking reservations. I really hope I get that then we don’t have to worry about finding someone to watch the kids. (my mom has been my only sitter for Alyssa and would hate having a stranger watch them) So keeping fingers crossed for that job. Also the burden of if I will find a job would be off my shoulders. That would be a wonderful thing.
I’m packing my house all up, the truck is booked for the 14th!!! Man coming fast. Me and mom finally went through Jacobs room. Wow... no words... just wow. Memory lane. That was tough to say the least. Really I can’t put into words what that was like. If I wasn’t moving it would have never gotten done, at least right now anyway. I wasn’t ready. But it had to be done. It’s all boxed up, and all his special things are in rubbermaid containers that I’m keeping of his blankies, and clothes. All his toys and TONS of bears are in bags and boxes, and in my curio that is dedicated for Jacob. His pappy hat that still has his strawberry smell, his soother, his mini cars, and finger puppets, his poor little tooth... ugh poor guy, remember him getting his tooth pulled the wed. before he passed.... All the cards that came in the mail, his two years of valentines from his friends, all the sympathy cards, all his papers, medical and funeral, all of it.... finally put away. His pictures are off the walls, his change table, crib and dresser are apart and empty. His closet is full of empty hangers. Ugh man... I cant believe we got it done. You know, even though we did it all Wed, his room. It didn’t hit me till last night. I was writing this as an email to my chat, and just copied and pasted and changed a few things. But I was bawling my eyes out writing all that. It really hit me thinking about all that we did with his stuff. Seeing it in writing brought out the tears that I needed to shed I guess. But really, you know, I think that you block out what you are doing just to get it done. I really do. Like I think Laura said to me, it’s your bodies way of getting it done. You block it, you don’t think about it. Ok enough of that....
I’m not sure if any of you know, but Carols little guy Aaron was in the hospital last week. I have called her but haven’t heard back from her. If any of you have heard from her can you let me know. Ill call her again tonight and see if I can catch her. I’m hoping and praying that everything is back to normal with the kids and her. I love yah Carol and hope and pray that things are ok.
We have picked the cake, its perfect. Another little sign from Jacob. In the window for their displays, they had a cake that had little angel boy cherubs around it, and flowers and decorations and stuff. It was soooo beautiful. We loved it and went with that design. Its perfect for us. The wedding invitations should be out by end next week, I’m doing all the, what’s it called? Blasting??? On them? You put the wet stamp on it, pour silver powder on it, then use that tool to make it turn hard silver? Well anyway I’m doing that to all the invitations, and it’s a stamp with a butterfly. It’s so nice. The lady is printing and cutting them, then I add the detail to it to save $s. They will look great and Alyssa will love to help do them with me. That will take a few nights alone! So many little things need to get done for the wedding still, and with the move... ugh I have a 24 hour headache thinking about it.
Oh and I went back to the surgeon about my lumps. I have them in both sides of my neck, and 2 under my arm, the nodes, and then a big lump that he still didn’t know if its just a fat tissue or what? So I have to see a lymphoma specialist and a blood specialist to start more tests. To rule out bacterial infections, viral infections, something as simple as mono and so on. Then if all that comes clean... remove the node and biopsy it for lymphoma, but he was pretty sure it would be more of a change for it to be lymphoma.... So good news "I think"!
But I tell you, I think with all the good things happening, I’m happy with that, and have happy emotions, excited, nervous and stressed ones, then doing Jacobs room, that brings sad emotions, and sorrow, and pain, then the wedding brings, nervous stress, and headaches, and so many other emotions.. I’m just all over the place aren’t I? I really cant wait till we move and things settle down and we have a bit of normal life. Alyssa is getting really nervous, and worried about friends and missing her friends. She acts up more now, so I’m pretty sure that that is stemming from the move. I keep telling her that she will make so many more friends and people will love her. But to a 9 year old they don’t understand that. So I’m worried about her too, and hate that she is stressed about something at 9. Kids sure don’t need to be stressed. But once she is there and she sees that she lives there, in a house finally, to call our own… she will like it and appreciate it. Right now its just nerves. Man I’m nervous too!
Ugh ok....back to the grind.... sorry for venting... just need to I guess... Thanks
Ange
Friday, May 12, 2006 11:00 AM
Ill leave this link up for the house for those who haven’t had a chance to see it yet!!!!
Link for new house!!!!!!!!!!
Ok, update on me.... I’m not sure if I mentioned or not that I went to see a surgeon last fri, about my lumps? Well he didn’t have much to say, other then till I have more tests, we aren’t sure what they could be. It could be a slew of things, from lymphoma (sp?) to Hodgkin’s to non-Hodgkin’s, to something like mono, or a virus that has stuck with me for months now. So my last ultra sound was 6 weeks ago now and I’m getting one on my armpit again, and one of my neck, because I have them in there too, and also x-rays of my chest for them. So they will compare it to the last x-ray, and see if it has changed or disingrated or something from the last one. IF there is change then they will remove the armpit one, I said they couldn’t touch my neck as I’m getting married and don’t want scars there! He said he doesn’t like to remove them from the neck anyway, as there is too many arteries and risk. Then test the lump for these cancers. He feels confident that it is nothing.... I’m PRAYING that it will be nothing. And REALLY trying hard to keep busy and not think about it at all. I have already decided that if I’m cursed and it turns out to be cancer or something not too good, I’m leaving it till after the wedding. I know... Scott your going to be mad when you read this. But I’m not being bald on my wedding, or sick, or going through treatments with all that we have going on with the house and wedding. There will be no time. So it can wait till after the wedding IF I decided to treat it. I have this argument with Scott a few times! Anyway, Keeping busy and not thinking about it and trying to focus on the happy things going on right now has helped so much in not stressing about it. Thank heavens for small blessings. I am a worry wart and a very negative person as of this past year. And think of all the negative outcomes. So taking my mind off things like these stupid lumps is a good thing. The one large lump that I can hold in my fingers and move in my armpit isn’t even the swollen lymph node! He thinks that might be a fat thing! So that’s another one that he has to take pics of to see what it is. They are getting bigger and I have more of them so ugh!
I wanted to wish my mother a VERY HAPPY MOTHERS DAY!!! I could not have gotten through all the things I have gotten through these past few years without my mom. She is my best friend, I can confide in her anything without worry. You have done so much for me and Alyssa, have sacrificed so much time and never complain. I honestly would be lost without you. I hate that I am moving away and will not get to see each other everyday like we do. But Scott and I will do our very best to visit as often as we can and you and dad are welcome EVERYDAY to stay at our new house! We have a spare bedroom that better get used ALOT! lol Honestly mom, I hope you know how much you mean to me. I love you soooo much. You have been my inspiration to be a better mother to my daughter, and have raised me to be the woman I am today. I hope that I can be as great a mother and friend to Alyssa as you are to me.
Back to bad news! lol
As Sun approaches, I find myself slipping back into my shell. I feel that ache, that empty feeling. As much time passes, that feeling will never go away. I am missing a HUGE part of my heart and soul. My son. This mother’s day is hard like all the others will be too. I can’t even begin to tell you how much I miss Jacob. And how I would give everything to have him here and enjoying all the good things we have happening. I would love to have him here and seeing the new house we are getting. As much as we have good things going on in our lives... I still have that ache and emptiness I feel for Jacob. He was such a good boy... I am starting to dread special days like mothers day and all holidays. It’s just a reminder that we are missing something. So unfair. Sadly it will be like that forever I assume. As Jacob will always be near and dear in our thoughts and in our hearts, it’s not the same. I have so much to be thankful for, we are extremely blessed with all the good in our lives at the moment. Trying not to stress over the little things, is a lesson I learned from my son. But then a holiday comes up like mothers day, and WHAM, you get hit in the face and all the little things get brought up to the surface, and the pot boils over. I do try my hardest to wear that smile, to be happy for those around me. Lately with my waiting to see if I have something wrong with me, or if it’s nothing is wearing me down. I’m completely exhausted from everything. But come Monday after the tests, after mother’s day, after hearing that everything is fine, I’m sure things will get back on track and life will carry on.....
I sure hope and pray that all you with your children here on earth, take Mothers Day and you use it to the best of your ability. Enjoy the day, love your children, kiss them and hug them and love the fact that you are able to hold and love them. For us angel mothers... I really hope you get through the day. It will be a bit easier for me having Alyssa and a step son to love, but those without living children to hold, I really am sending out love and prayers for you. I wish I could snap my fingers and make our dreams come true...
Love and hugs
Angela,
Wednesday, May 10, 2006 10:57 AM CDT
Not sure how long this house will stay up on the MLS site... but because I forgot my camera I cant show you photos of how beautiful the house is, but here is a few on the listing. I LOVE IT!!!!!!!!! Hope this works
Link for house
Friday, May 5, 2006 4:53 PM CDT
WE GOT IT!!!!! WE GOT IT!!!!!! WE GOT IT!!!!!
I am so excited! I am literally bursting with happiness right now. I cant even explain how thankful I am to Scott! We are going to be getting that dream home we wanted and loved so much. Mom and dad came down with us last weekend to see the house. They fell inlove with it just as much as we did. Mom saw the butterfly wallpaper in the kitchen and in the basement and said that it was a sign from Jacob. That we would be getting the house. She was right. It has a pool, a pool house, the pool is fenced in. BEAUTIFUL gardens all around the yard. A deck across the back and side of the house. Beautiful front yard too. Attached garage. Fireplace, sun room, nice kitchen, living room, dining room, 3 bedrooms, familyroom, recroom, laundry room. OMG I coudl go on and on and on. I LOVE IT!!! And Scott did great with no sleep, and got it for us! I am thrilled and thankful and grateful, excited, happy sad to be leaving my home town, but happy for our future. We are converting the familyroon to be our bedroom with the fireplace. Man oh man can you tell how hapy I am to finally have a house to call our own!@!!!!!!!!!!!!
Today mom and dad bought us our very own patio set! They have been so helpful and supportive to us, as have Scotts family. Everyone couldnt be happier, well not happier then me i bet! lol
Had to tell you the good news.
I also went to the surgeon today, I have to get another ultrasound on my lump, and my throat, and a chest xray. Not too sure what they will find, but praying that its nothing. It might just be fat??? LOL Like I needed to hear that FAT word right before my wedding lol .. Ill keep you updated. I dont have a computer mine died :(
Love and hugs
Ange
Friday, April 21, 2006 11:15 PM
Thanks again for the prayers about my lump... crazy enough I still have it, and there seems to be a few more I just noticed? Not sure what they are from or why they are there. But if the doc isnt worried about it, I sure am trying to not either...
Scott got his DNA test back... WHOO HOO! He doesnt carry the SMA gene! Isnt that great news! I am so very thankful he wasnt one of the 1/35 that carry the gene! Thank heavens for little things eh!
Things are going pretty good around here. Busy as a beaver thats for sure. Im praying soo hard right now. Scotts real estate agent told him that the couple that went through the house last night is putting in an offer tomorrow about 4 PM... So we are hoping that its a pretty good offer and then we can get a move on into getting our family home. I am so excited about it I can hardly stop from wanting to jump up and down!!! Man thats so nerve wracking the waiting now! Please please please let this be the offer that we want it to be! Keeping our fingers crossed.
Oh I also received my donor card int he mail today. I am B negative blood with RH negative, I knew I was negative as I had to get rogam while I was pregnant. So I guess only me and 1.4% of Canadians have this blood and they would really like me to be a regular donor! I would gladly do this in honor of Angel Katelyn and plan to do just that! Believe it or not... I still have my marks from when I donated back way over a month agO! Scotts are all healed up but I must be a slow healer or something, because I still have it! Poor Katelyn must have been all bruised up after getting what was it? 103 transusions? Poor little cookie!
Ill let you know as soon as I hear anything about the house and the offer!
lots of love and hugs
Angela
Tuesday, April 4, 2006 11:30 PM
Sorry for not updating sooner!
The test went well! I think! The lady doing it got the radiologist to come in and he just said it was a swollen lymph node? Its still there hasnt gone away? So I guess its nothing to worry about?
Thanks for the prayers! I was sure worried about it! Sort of hoped for the best, but expected the worst sorta thing ;)
So again thanks for all the prayers.
Been pretty busy lately, going through some stuff, sorting things out that have been bothering me lately. Lots of little stresses lately for sure. Nothing compared to what the past has been though. Time will sort most of it out.
I hope you all have a wonderful Easter if I dont update before then. I have some great pics of ALyssa from her party in Feb, and pics of us with Mr Bear! He is a Bear that SMA support is sending around all over basically the world to different families with children or angel families of SMA. We have him for a week and then send him on to hte next family. Taking pics and journaling what we did with him. Ill send pics once they are all uploaded!
Thanks again,
Angela
Friday, March 24, 2006 10:00 AM
Lots to update again... Guess thats what happens when I leave it for months to not update eh. It seems to just get harder and harder to update anymore. But I know a lot of you still like to see how we are all doing, and that means so much to us. And I am thankful for the support we all get believe me, it means so much.
We didnt get that call... well we got a call, but so far no offers on Scotts house yet. We are sooo trying to keep positive and upbeat, and hopefully soon we can sell his house and hopefully get that house we love. It still hasnt sold either thankfully!
I highlighted Alyssas hair for her two nights ago. I am so impressed with how great it looks. I was worried it would look terrible and I would ruin it but it really does look good! She was so happy with it! She has grown out of almost all her clothes in about two months... So we went out shopping the other day. It is so much fun to see her so happy. Her feet are now a "6"!!! Can you believe it??? My girl isnt too much shorter then I and only 1 size smaller in shoe sizes! She just turned 9! She is gonna be a tall, and beautiful girl! ALready in womens tops, she has a long body! I just cant believe it. She wears almost all my stuff! When she said her feet hurt and started to wear my shoes for about a week to school I was like no way. As if your feet grew that much. Sure enough we went out to get her new ones AGAIN!!! lol and yup another size up! 6!!! I just cant believe it. In a year her feet have gone 3 sizes bigger and skipped 2-3 sizes for clothes. Must have been a growing spurt! I love her! Hard to believe how big she is. Shes not my little girl anymore. She a little lady, smart, beautiful, caring, a little mouthy sometimes :) But overall Im extreamly lucky and proud of her! She does think of others so much.
If you havent done so, please dont forget to donate blood for angel Katelyn! Scott and I did it last week and it wasnt that bad! Sure it hurt a little, but just knowing that you could be saving a life, for such a little effort, it means so much. So if you havent yet, please take the info off her site, or the banner is on Jacobs up above and donate! Thanks.
Now for the other news!
I think only the angel moms could relate to this part. I have been feeling really depressed lately. Almost like I am living two lives. One life that is trying to be happy for the future ahead. The good times to come. Excited about the marriage, moving, house hunting, becoming a family. Grateful for all I have. Then there is the other life. One that no one seems to understand or know. I get this feeling of blue. I get depressed, miserable, become a lump that doesnt want to do anything. Maybe its guilt? For being happy? I dont know.
They say that when your sleep deprived, like I was with Jacob, (nto that I wouldnt do it again in an instant) you train yourself to go on no sleep. And with that you dont dream much because your not ever in a deep sleep long enought to dream. Well I think sometimes that thats why I didnt dream. And usually dont still. I dont know. Anyway, lately I have been dreaming non stop. Weird stupid dreams. I dream about Jacob lately too. I had one that he was here now. Bigger, looked the same, still floppy, but no machines on him. I was holding him in the kitchen and we were looking out the window. He was propped up in my arms looking out smiling. That was a good dream. Then, I have horrible dreams. About things that never happened. One was the night he died, I was here all alone, and working on him, trying to save him, called 911 and it was forever before they got here. And he died in my arms here at home. It was horrible dream. Another, when we got up to the hospital they worked on him what seemed like forever, with ivs, using the paddles shocking his heart, doing chest compressions, intubating him, it was another terrible dream. None of that happened I know that. Another, I dont know if I ever said any of this before? Scott and Kyle were on their way here that night he died. They phoned from the highway, I told them I was tired, and wanted to go to bed early with Jacob and didnt feel like company. So they turned around and went home. So they wernt here when he passed, but I called from the hospital and he got to come and hold Jacob before they took him. But anyway, a dream I have is that they did come, and when they got here Jacob crashed and I worked on him with them here, and they were here when Jacob died at home.
Isnt it weird. I dream so much about Jacobs death lately, that I start to confuse the dreams with reality. Then I think over and over again what really happened so I dont forget it, and it gets me depressed and I just cry over things... I cant seem to control it anymore.
Maybe I have been supressing things, putting them off, trying to not think of it that it is all coming to a boil? I dont know. There is guilt along with being happy. But I really do feel like two people sometimes? Isnt that weird? I think I should be worried about it. I dont think its normal to feel like you have two lives, are two different I guess personalities. But I know I have two... one being happy and one depressed and grieving. Its hard to do both, and find a medium. Somedays Im just plain ole happy, then Im miseralbe and ugly. Ugh... I just miss my angel so much these days. I wish things were different, I wish he was never sick, I wish he never died. Its so not fair. My heart aches for him. To hold him, touch him, smell him, kiss him, snuggle up beside him and stroke his head, his hair, hold his smelly hands. Give him one more bath and hear him say aba aba aba. God it gets so hard. It gets earier in some ways after time, but the yearning for him, the ache in my heart never goes away, never lessens.
To top it off. I found a lump on the inside of my armpit, closer to my chest. I have been waiting for it to go away, thinking it was a cyst, I squeezed it trying to pop it! lol Or it could have been a swollen gland or something. Well it hasnt gone away, it doesnt hurt or anything. So I went to the doctor yesterday and now he is sending me for an ultra sound on it next Thurs. So of course Im freaking out about that too. Everyone is saying dont worry about it, it will be nothing. But I am a negative thinker, always have been. I think about all the senerios all the time about everything. One of the things I wish I could change about myself. SO anyway, now Im thinking that all this with Jacob could also have been preparing me for whats ahead. Giving me strength to deal with something that could happen to me... UGH I dont know. I just cant stop thinking negative. I have that feeling.. that something is wrong. Im gonna get awful news. I hope not, but deep down thats what I feel...
Anyway, I hope all this doesnt make me sound crazy, or as crazy as I feel. I think I just needed to vent and get all this off my chest.
Thanks for listening.
Ange
Thursday, March 9, 2006 5:10 PM CST
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Small update! I know I Know I know, I am supposed to be updating a long one. But I am up at Scotts in Belleville, right now. Alyssa is on her March Break from school! We are awaiting news tomorrow and keeping our fingers crossed and praying hard that tomorrow we get news on an offer for Scotts house. We are hoping that a couple that has come through twice now puts that offer in!!! Sometime tomorrow that phone will ring!!! Oh please that would be so awsome. Then we can hopefully get that house that we fell in love with like a month ago! Thanks for thinking of us, and also for all the great posts about our engagement picture! We appreciate them all.
When I get home Fri or Sat Ill try to do an update and let you all know how the wedding plans are going.
Keeping fingers crossed !!!
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I am so sorry for not updating in soooo long!
I will do an update soon, I promise.
Just wanted to share this photo that Scott and I got taken a few weeks ago. Its our engagement picture. We will use this pic for our announcement in the paper in the next week.
Also I am putting above Angel Katelyn's flyer. Lets all donate in honor of such a special angel. And for a very loving and caring mother. I hope many of you help Deb out and help so many people by donating blood in honor of Katelyn. 
Monday, February 20, 2006 6:00 AM
I'm sorry I couldnt do a journal yesterday. I just couldnt go to Jacobs site last night. Yesterday was tough. I really dont have many words to write how I feel. There isnt many words. My baby would be 2.5 years old today. Im sure you would have been getting into lots of things you little stinker! Im trying my best to remember the good times with you. Thats almost all there was, good times. Sure you had your struggles on this earth, but man, there was so much love from you. You always smiled, laughed, and were 'the' happiest baby no matter what was going on with you. I gave birth to the most BEAUTIFUL baby I have ever laid eyes on. From the first moment I laid eyes on you I knew you were special. I tried my best to be the best mother I could for you. I tried to learn how to take care of you. When SMA started to show its face I was never so scared in my life. As the machines started to add up to help you breathe, swallow, cough, eat, and live I didnt know how we would make it. You helped me help you as best I could. I followed your tune, I tried to listen to you and learn what you wanted. I hope I did everything right for you angel. If I could turn back time, sure I would have started things sooner, I might have been more agressive with treatments, I would have changed your diet sooner, if I knew the amazing effects it would have brought you. But I cant change anything now. I have to believe that the way it is now... is the way its supposed to be. I will never understand why, I can ask myself over and over again why. It doesnt bring you back. It wont turn back time. I will never hold you, smell you, feel your touch again on this earth. I have memories, pictures, and precious things of yours to help me remember you. Its not fair. I miss you so much it hurts baby. Your my baby bear. The best thing this earth has ever given me. You were so brave, so understanding, so trusting. The toughest job on earth I think is caring for such a special angel. Everyday is tested. Everyday, almost I had to revive you at some point. Always keeping me on my toes you were. No matter how tough things got, no matter how much I was scared, you helped me, showed me the way. And I would do it all over again in an instant. With the snap of a finger I would love you, care for you and do anything on this earth to help you all over again.
I hope your happy. I know you see mommie sad, and I tried my hardest to be positive, I really have. But today, yesterday and all last week has finally broken me down. I miss you soooo much baby bear. So much it hurts so bad. Part of my heart was crushed and will never heal. Part of my soul has left this earth. I know your in a better place and Im happy for that. I dont have to worry about you anymore, I dont have that fear now that lingered everyday when you were with me. But what is left is the most unbearable pain in my heart and chest that nothing can help or heal. I have tried my best to learn to now live without you. Its sooo hard, each day I pray that you are ok, that you are close to me, and watching and helping mommie get through another day without you. I ask you to help the other sick SMA children. And I thank you for keeping an eye on them, and mommie.
Aside from all this pain I feel, I cant help but smile. I feel you had a hand while you were here to bring Scott to me. You knew I couldnt get through all this alone. Somedays I feel unbelievably guilty for having happiness in my life. For moving forward, carring on without you. Everyone says that its the way that you would have wanted things. I know you wouldnt want to see me upset and not living, but there are those days that it hurts to smile. I feel like I should be mourning forever.
Carol reminded me that a year ago it was a sat night. So when I was talking to her on the phone Sat night, and she reminded me, oh did I ever have a cry over that. I realized that those are things that I should be remembering. But I put them to the back of my mind to be able to get through the days. This week I have thought about 1 year ago like it was yesterday. I cant help but think about what happened. I hate not remembering. THats one of the hardest things. I havent been able to sleep much at all. I decided to work all weekend to keep myself busy. Saturday was tough, but yesterday was really hard. I caught myself with tears falling numerous times. After work I met my parents, Scott, and Kyle at their house and we went out to the grave. Scott brought balloons to let go to you. It was sooooo cold and windy out, so we couldnt stay. I know your not there anyway angel. I hope you were with us, and felt our love. After I went to pick alyssa up (she didnt want to go) and we came home. THen i did nothing but veg. I wanted to come on here and do an entry, but thankfully I fell asleep on the couch. I know I needed the sleep, but feel bad for not writing yesterday.
Thank you to everyone who has posted, emailed and called. My brother is in Calgary, he moved there after Christmas, and he phoned to let me know that he too released balloons. I bet there were quite a few from all over that you got buddy. It means so much to me that here a year later, a whole year, and some of you still remember my angel, many of you loved him through reading about him. And it has helped me soooooo much! I cant honestly thank you all enough for your continued support. Tiffany, thank you so much for calling too. I cant wait till march. I need that hug!
Deb! Mom showed me the AMAZING website you created for my angel. Man, it is so beautiful. The time you spent on it, thinking of doing such a wonderful thing for me and Toby, yet you yourself are dealing with losing precious Princess Puffy Cheeks Katelyn. Your selfless, a loving and caring mother. Im so proud to know you and am honored to be friends with you. I will forever cherish the times I met your angel, and our talks at Sick Kids. Just when the hurt was so bad, you brought a smile to my face again. And tears many many many tears. I cant thank you enough for the page. It means so much to me. THANK YOU!
Jacobs memorial page by Deb (angel Katelyns mom)
That is the link to the amazing tribute that Deb made for us. It is so beautiful. Honestly Deb you did an amazing job. Thank you everyone for signing it. These posts mean so much. Jacob is remembered by so many. So many people keep his spirit alive. Thank you all so much.
People tell me all the time, that I need antidepressants, I need counciling. This or that. I tell you, what any angel mom needs is the friends and support I have though SMA support chat and my SMA support grief group. I dont know where I would be if it were not for so many other families taking us under their wing and helping me up when Im down. There are so many SMA angels up there with Jacob. Watching over us all. ANd so many SMA angels here on earth that I have come to love and read about everyday. You are all such a HUGE part of my life. Thank you for letting me stay in our group, and read about your children, like you used to about Jacob. Thank you for always being there. Especailly thank you to Laura, our den mother! If it were not for you and your angels,and your drive and knowledge, none of SMA support would even be here. So thank you for everything, for helping me get throught the days.
I love you all sooo much.
I love you baby bear. And will try to dream more dreams of you. I miss you more then words.....
Monday, February 6, 2006 9:30 AM
WOW has it really been this long for a journal entry???
Im so sorry for not updating well. And for not getting around to sign the guestbooks like I should be doing. I will try to do better. I have 1000s of emails to try to wean through too.
I will start by asking you all to go up above the journal and see Jacobs page.. He is Tuesdays Angel Child of the month!!! They did a great job on it and I am so happy that tihs month Jacob will be honored... Many thanks to you all for doing this for Jacob..
Things have been busy lately to say the least. First Id like to say a very Happy Birthday to my mom. It was the 4th of Feb. You have been such a source of support to me and Alyssa I dont know what we would do without you. I love you, your my best friend, my mom, I love you more then words mom. You have done so much for us, watching ALyssa while I work, helping us out with so much. THanks for all you and dad do for us.
And a Happy Birthday to my little (not so little) girl! Alyssa is going to be 9 tomorrow. I cant believe that!!! I havent even planned her party yet. BUt I think we are having it on Sun, she wants to go to that air zone place. There is lots of games and stuff for hte kids to do there. I will try to plan it and have it all ready by then.
We are still house hunting.. we put an offer in on a house but until Scotts house sells we cant really do much. So we are keeping our fingers crossed that his house sells soon and then we can hopefully get the house we really love. Ill keep you all posted as I know more about it.
Trying to plan a wedding too! Man I have never been one to be fond of weddings before. But I went out and tried on some dresses a few weeks ago and got more into it! Then last week I went to a different store I had not been in yet and found the perfect dress. So I bought it! I cant give any details because my future husband reads this site every day, right dear! LOL
So trying to plan when and where and who to invite. I want to keep it small and hope that it all turns out. It will be sometime in August. Im meeting with my Aunt, my dads sister Laurie, she runs a hotel/banquet hall so hopefully we can have it then. Yup doing a crash wedding I guess. I hope we can get it all done. And of course my dear dear bestest friend ever!!! Carol (who you all know by now from reading Jacobs site) is going to be my maid of honor!!! We were both blubbering the other night when I asked her to! I love you girl, and thank you so much for saying yes and going to come and be a part of our day! I cant wait to see you again!
Lots to do...
Jacob hunny, I love you so much. I miss you more and more each day. This is going to be a hard month for us. Im trying to just remember all the loving and happy memories of you and not focus on what happened a year ago. Its hard and hits me like a brick when I dont expect it. Wishing you were here to hug and hold and kiss..
Our little buddy Charlie is not feeling well right now. He is sick and crashed last night and took Kim and John his mom and dad quite some time to stablize him. I hope that its something that will be small and charlie is back to his old self again.
Hugs
Ange
Friday, January 13, 2006 12:00 PM
Jacob baby... You know what mommie needs right now! Could you please do that for me.
I miss you soooooooooooo much right now. Cant stop thinking of you and how much I loved you and of course still do. You are forever in my daily, hourly, thoughts and prayers baby. I miss you soooo much it hurts.
Sending kisses to you. I think I need to go and see your grave today or something. Ill be there ok. Love you angel.
Mommie
Monday, January 9, 2006 10:30 AM
Wow... sorry for sooooo long since I have done a post. I have been sorta... "cocooning" as the other angel moms put it. Reading the posts and all the emails I have been getting. I am so thankful for all the entries everyone of you sent sending on your congratulations for me and Scott. Thank you so much for all your love and support. It means the world to me and Scott.
IF any of you have any spare prayers you could send on to Madison Reed... I was selling the bracelets for her foundation. She is in the hospital and is getting intubated as we speak because she is having trouble breathing. She was rushed to the hospital last night. She is one of the angels that has fought long and hard to make it to be the beautiful young lady she has become. An inspiration to so many. Thanks for praying for her. Her website is at Madisons website I dont think it has a guestbook... I couldnt find one.
Well... I for one am glad that the holidays are over with. We got through them and ALyssa had a great time. I sorta feel numb about the whole thing. It was hard Im not going to lie... but we got through. Alyssa wrote a sweet letter to santa on xmas eve that had me and my mom in tears. She asked Santa to just bring her Jacob back. That that was all she wanted for Christmas. She said he didnt have to wrap Jacob up just put him in a crib and she would find him. Oh my... me and mom were just bawling when we found it by the fireplace. Such a tender heart and loves Jacob so much. It was so different without both my children here this year. Nothing will top last years xmas and New Years. Ill attach a bunch of photos from last year.
Me and Scott and doing great. The kids are loving going through houses and looking for a new house to call home. I am so grateful to Jacob for bringing Scott to me not once but twice!!! He sure works his magic still! I have never owned a house or lived in one other then my parents. So this is really really exciting to me to finally get out of apartment living and finally having a family and stability for Alyssa. She is soooo excited as is Kyle.
Scotts house was just listed to sell on Fri. So the steps are happening! WOW Im so excited! Ill keep you informed about it all dont worry!
IF you could also say a few prayers for Shira, she is STILL in BCs hospital and is getting her G tube today. They were not able to get it done the way her parents wanted it done,so she will be intubated and put out for the surgury. We know how hard that is on our SMA kids... so if you could pray for her ot finally get this and finally get out of that friggin hospital. SHe has been in there since before Christmas and I feel so awful not being able to do more to help them out. Her parents are learning so much so fast about the protocol for SMA and doing an amazing job fighting for her. Thanks for her prayers
here is some pics of baby bear from last year!!! These are all from Xmas eve to New Years day!!!
Sorry for so many but I couldnt just pic a few!! You know me and pics!
Enjoy 
Monday, December 19, 2005 11:30 PM
Ok... thank you all for all the prayers for the sick SMA children, and of course all the prayers for Morgans family. It means the world to her to know so many people care and are praying for them. Us angel moms know how much it means...
So your all anticipating the news eh!!! LOL
Well you wanted news, I have some news, enough to make you fall off your chair I bet!!!
So here goes... Ill start from the beginning....
Remember Scott!!! Of course you do! Well after Jacob passed away I needed some space. And I asked Scott to give me that space. Ill be the first to admit I was pretty ugly near the end of our relationship eh hun! I did things to piss him off... I tried to get him to end it with me. I said a lot of things I didnt mean and made myself not want to be with him anymore. But you all knew as did I that he was a really amazing guy for me while Jacob was here and through his passing. He was supportive, caring, understanding, and loved me and my children like his own. I told him to go out and date... I didnt want him waiting around to see if I would ever want to try things again. We didnt really have a 'normal' relationship while I was caring for Jacob and he understood and it didnt matter to him. Our 'old' relationship consisted of him coming to my house or the hospital, and thats about it. We didnt socialize or really date you know... Well after Jacob passed I didnt have the energy to put anything into the relationship and needed my space. He gave that to me... After I pushed and shoved him away. And mostly in not a nice way. Even still he wanted to give it a try, but I just needed time for me and Alyssa.
Well just awhile ago we started really talking again. We talked the whole time we were apart... just here and there. But we decided to give it a go again. We had a trip to Ottawa by ourselves for a weekend a few weeks ago and have really enjoyed 'dating' for 'real' this time. The kids were both (Kyle and Alyssa) really excited to see that we were getting back together. They both are great kids and we were straight with them when we broke up and straight with them about us getting back together. And they couldnt be more happy which is what we both are most happy about. The kids always come first for the both of us.
Well there is a bit of news... pretty good eh!
Ready for some more??? LOL
Ok we have been talking quite abit about how we both want to settle down and we are both not wanting to date anyone else. We love each other dearly. Trust each other to the fullest and adore one another. We both have so much to offer each other.
So we decided to start looking for houses. What would be best for Scott and me.. what would be best for the kids. Scott has a great job where he is in Belleville. About an hour and a bit from where I live here in Peterborough. I cant go to University to finish my RN here... I lost out on the 7 years... 2 already in and 2 off with Jacob and this last year for myself to grieve. So I cant get it done in that time frame. My only option is to go to take the RPN for now and bridge over when I can. So it makes more sense for me and Alyssa to go to Belleville. Scotts house is in the country. And for the kids it would be better for them if we moved to the city so that Alyssa is not shipped off to a strange town, start at a different school and be stuck in the boonies. So we are house hunting in the city for a home for us. We have been going through open houses when we have the time. We wont be moving there until Alyssa is finished school in June. So there isnt a big rush to sell and buy which is nice. We talked about it with Alyssa and the first day we told her she was insisting that NO WAY was she moving.. No way did she want to start at a new school. Day two talking about it we told her that if she really didnt want to then we would work something out. Well then she started with a bit of altimatums... lol She said it had to have a pool and be close to the mall and have kids near her, ect. LOL Oh and she wants my computer!!! So then after going through a few houses she is REALLY excited and thats all she talks about is how happy she is and how much she is looking forward to this. We were so thrilled and it was only 3 days later that she changed her mind too! Which made us feel so much better about all this. Its alot to move to a new school let alone a new town. For me too.. Im a little nervous about it but excited for a fresh start too. So Ill keep you updated on our house hunting. If something comes along that we just cant pass up Scott will move into it then and we will come down in June!
Ok so are you still reading by this point??? Are you still interested!!! Excited??? Well get ready the biggest news is yet to come!!!
I didnt get off work until 1015 last night. Mom was taking Alyssa home for me and getting her into bed because she had school this morning! Well I got home and had to pee really bad! LOL So I was running up the steps and went to go upstairs to go and passed the kitchen and out popped Scott. Well didnt he scare the begebees outta me! LOL So I said hi ran upstairs and then came back down. After our hellos and him telling me that he decided to come tonight instead of tomorrow night he told me to look over at the computer...
So I walked over to it. There were candles lit, and music playing and the lights were dimmed! And there was a big boquet of flowers beside it too! Awww eh! Well then he said to read the computer! Which is cool! So I stared to read this poem and well... Ill just let you read it too! Maybe you will get the same reaction I did!
Darling Dear
I met this blonde haired beauty,
On one cold October day,
She was with this little cutie,
His little smile showed me the way.
The way would not be easy,
Or normal as can be.
But it helped our love grow stronger,
For all of eternity.
With Jacob gone our life moves on,
But at least we will not forget.
His spirit lives within us strong,
Keeping our bond stronger than the rest.
With Kyle and Alyss we have such bliss,
A family already in the works.
Now for a way to start this life, I do grant you a wish,
With this ring I give you my heart, yours forever more.
I promise to you for the rest of my life,
It will be you my darling that I adore.
Love Always, Scott
OMG did you fall??? I almost did!!!! Wow eh! I was just amazed, excited, thrilled, happy, emotional to say the least!
What an amazing guy! Of course I said yes! OMG OMG OMG Im getting married! Im engaged!!! WHOO HOO!!!
I couldnt be more happy right now... well yes I could. If I had my angel son here with us to make this 100% better! I know he would be happy. He loved Scott dearly. Can you believe it??? OMG lol I just keep looking at this amazing ring and saying to myself OMG Scott... its real, we are really getting married... Scott guess what??? Im engaged!! He just keeps laughing at me! I had to work tonight.. I was telling everyone and bouncing off the walls and so full of energy! I just feel so blessed right now I really do. In one of the most trying times of my life.. Scott has been there... he understands like no one else ever could. He loves me dearly without question. Man Im so happy! I just cant believe it!
In a time that I thought this Christmas was going to be so hard to get through. I have something to look forward to. A nice future with someone I love and who loves me and Alyssa unconditionally. Man I sure am one lucky girl! I have an angel watching over me thats for sure. I still want to pinch myself to see if this is all a dream or if this is all real or not!
My parents are happy, his parents are happy. This is just so right you know.
He went to my moms the other day and even asked my parents permission. And showed them the ring too. I cant wait till everyone knows. I want to shout it out from the rooftops!!! Im so excited.
Hope that you read to the end of this novel! Thank you all for continuing to be here. Supporting us and listening and letting us know that your still thinking of my angel and that he is not forgotten!
MERRY CHRISTMAS EVERYONE! I really really hope that your Christmas will be safe and as happy as mine has turned out to be. Dont get me wrong.. this is still going to be a hard Christmas without my son. Im spending it at my moms this year. Scott has to work all through Christmas and I have only a few days off too. So we wont be seeing much of each other. But my parents and us will try our best to make the most of this Christmas as we can without Jacob. We have to for Alyssa. There will be many tears Im sure. But also now lots of smiles ;)
Big hugs everyone!!!
Angela
Wednesday, December 7, 2005 9:15 AM
The good, the bad, and the ugly.....
Such a sad, confusing, frustrating time right now...
Ill start with the ugly. The UGLY being SMA. Have I mentioned before how much I HATE SMA??? This ugly monster has taken yet another angel... A perfect little lady. Miss Morgan Saville, she had just turned 3. She has type 2 SMA. You think that only the weaker ones will lose their battle, that the weaker ones have more of a fight. I never in a million years thought that Morgan was in any danger, just like Jacob she was ok on Saturday. She wasnt sick in the hospital with pneumonia, she wasnt fighting a cold... Just like that SMA took her without anyone being able to help her. SMA can strike at any time. Its so unfair. And I KNOW the hurt, the suffering, the pain, we parents are left here feeling without our children. I love Morgan and the whole Saville family, and they are still in my thoughts and prayers. The funeral is tomorrow in Virginia Beach. I will attach the link for the newspaper and a few photos of this beautiful angel. Ill also attach her website if you would like to sign the guestbook and let them know that you are thinking of them. I know Stacy will appreciate it. Again, I HATE SMA....
I was up most of Sat night, reading the posts about Morgan, following and praying, hoping that prayers could make a difference. When I woke up and read that Morgan didnt make it through the night, I was so devestated. You fall in love with these children. I followed their journey, Stacy was on our chat and we were privilaged to read the updates on Morgan, see her photos. I met them in Virginia Beach, and Alyssa fell in LOVE with her. She hung out with her most of the weekend. Alyssa has been reading my emails and following the kids and seeing their picters and stuff lately. I knew that she would come across a post about Morgan, and didnt want to keep it from her, but didnt want to upset her either. I thought the best thing was to be honest with her and tell her about Morgan. She would be more upset I think for me not telling her. If we went to next years gathering and she didnt know about Morgan... well you understand. So when Alyssa woke up I gave her a hug, a really big one, and told her that I have some bad news. Her smile quickly went away. I told her that Morgan passed away last night and that she was in Heaven with Jacob now. The tears just started to fall, and she cried, and she cried... I knew she was going to take it hard. She asked why??? She thought MOrgan was strong and not weak like Jacob, she was a type 2. I told her that no child with SMA is ok.. that they always have to worry and always have to fight... That she was in Heaven now and that we will miss her terribly. She was just so sad. She said NO MOM, I love Morgan... Not Morgan.. Oh man that was so tough. So we just sat on my bed and hugged and she cried on my lap for a good half hour. Then she said that she wants to get Stacy something special for christmas, becaus she will be sad for Christmas. What an angel... always thinking of others.. and wanting them to be happy. So on Friday night we are going to go out and she can get something special. She has been drawing pictures of angels and Morgan and Jacob in Heaven since Sat. It really affected her. Im proud of her and love her so much. She has been through the ringer that girl. But always with a smile and tries so hard to be such a good girl. I love my children so much. I miss my son so much...
This is the news article on Morgan....
News Article on Morgan...
This is Morgans tribute page and her website... Please visit and let them know your thinking of them.
Morgans memorial page
Morgans website
Here is a few photos of Morgan, and Morgan and her special friend Alyssa,
Ok for the bad....
There are many sick children in the SMA community... Too many to count... Id like to ask for a few prayers for them.
There is Miss Madison Burger... She is so tough, such a fighter and was in A LOT of trouble for the past few weeks. In the hospital and had a pnuemothorax (sp?) and needed a chest tube, and was really really fighting. Well finaly the chest tube is out, and she is looking like she is on her way to getting better. Bless her heart, when the doctor took out the tube, she looked up and said thank you to the doctor, it was hurting her so bad. He said that he has never had a patient thank him before for taking one out. She knew she needed it out to get better. The pain of having it in hurt her so much she couldnt fight to breath on her own. She still is in need of many many prayers. Not out of the woods yet. Here is a picture of her to help you focus on the prayers. 
Also Miss Grace Coggin needs some prayers, she is in the hospital in Texas with pneumonia with High heartrate, low 02, trouble breathing and needing all the prayers you can muster. Man I hate the winter, so many children have so much more to deal with in the winter...
Here is a pic of Gracy too...
I know I know... all these prayers being needed. But please consentrate on the children instead of our family. They are needing them. Thank you all so much for continuing to come and check on us.. and thinking of us still after all this time. This is the true meaning of friends... this is real. I have not been able to get to many websites, I have trouble posting about things on Jacobs site... and I know you all understand...
A bit more bad/good....
there is a new family that is really close to me. Micheal is a baby about 6 months old... corrected 3 1/2. He was 10 weeks premature.. Just diagnosed with SMA type 1 about 3 weeks ago. Im trying to help his mother get started with the NIV and AA diet and things. I hope that I can be of some help to her and she doesnt have to do this all on her own like I did. I will try to do anything I can to help them and help her as much as I can. I got SMA support to send them a pulse ox to start off and she is getting the diet all worked out. Getting the bi-pap, and Im bringing Jacobs cough assist... She has the support of her doctor which is a good thing. Ill try to keep you all posted about Micheal as I can. Ill be seeing them soon.
OK ready for some good????
Alyssa just got her report card. She got all A's except for a few b's. I was a bit ticked that she got some b's... not at alyssa at the teacher. Alyssa looks forward to getting her A's and every year they give her a few b's and lets her work up to thinking that she has improved and gives her a's at the last report card. She gets ALL her work finished, and all perfect and needs no help. IN fact she helps the other kids learn when she has her work finished first. I hate that. If she deserves and A she should get the A... You know. But I am sooo proud of her and all she has been able to do in the last year. I worried about her school slipping or falling behind with all that she has to think about and deal with on a daily basis. Still she manages to get excellent grades and has sooo many friends and does so well. She is my angel girl and I couldnt be more proud of her. She is doing well... aside from this past week and being really upset about Morgan... she is doing great.
Im hoping to get my Christmas tree up soon. Its all in the living room right now in the boxes... Hard, very hard to dig it all up and put out.. brings back so many memories. My tree's theame is Blue, angels, and teddybears. It was SOO beautiful last year. I think Katelyns mom or someone mentioned to get a special ornament every year with Jacobs name and year on the back. Its a great idea and a way to include my baby bear in every christmas. Thanks so much for the idea. By the way Deb... I LOVE LOVE LOVE all the pics of your house... where do you get that energy??? Could you pass it my way please? Your an inspiration to me. You help me more than you know. Thanks for continuing to come to Jacobs site and being my friend through thick and thin... Love you girl!
Thats pretty long for now. I have lots more news... but thats a whole 'nother' entry ;)
That should keep you wondering enough for now! Im hoping that its the best news yet... and good times ahead... and finally a bit of laughter, smiles and excitement in this house... !!! Ok thats all the hints for now!
Love you all
Hugs and enjoy the the days ahead until the Holidays!
Angela
Thursday, November 17, 2005 8:17 AM CST
Hi everyone,
I just wanted you all to know to watch Extreme Home Makeover this Sunday night!!!! It airs at 8pm EST and 7pm CST I think... you might want to check your times though to be sure.
It is featuring the Johnson Family, of Massachusetts. Little William has Spinal Muscular Atrophy, and we are all thrilled that Tye woke them up to their dreams!!!!
Please tell your friends and family to watch the show. This is going to be huge National News about SMA! I am thrilled to finally see SMA getting news coverage, and to see a family that deserves a new home!
Here is a few links about the family and show!!!!
http://www.boston.com/realestate/news/2005/oct/1002_extreme.html
http://www2.townonline.com/medfield/localRegional/view.bg?articleid=370372
Enjoy the show!!!!
Man what a bad couple of weeks I have had. I tell you, if it were not for bad luck I dont think I would have any. These past few weeks have really put me through the ringer. I have had just enough drama, and pain to put me over the edge. But... its starting to settle down now. Things are slowly becoming more tolorable. I wont get into the details... just too much. One part of it, I was at work and my finger got somehow eaten by the garbage lid and took a lot of the skin off of it, the nail is a nice combination of purple, black and green colors. It was slammed so hard that blood was coming out the other side of my finger. So after a trip to the ER and some pain meds, xray, and freezing I was on my way home. The nail split open and released the pressure so the throbbing finally stopped. Can you say ouch! Of course it was my middle finger on my right hand. So Im always banging it on stuff. That was just one of the many things that has happened over the last few weeks.
Sadly I got a cold or something from being up at the hospital. Thats starting to finally settle down now too. Gee, Im about ready for another vacation!!! (yah right)!
Alyssa is doing great in school. We just finished a big project on desert plants she had to do. She has to do an oral and visual presentation. Its due fri but we had to get it done Tues night b/c I work nights the rest of the week. She is so excited about it. I think she will do great and get a good mark on it. Her picture proof came back for her school pics, I should have them back in a couple of weeks. Some of you were asking to see new pics of Alyssa, Ill attach a couple of her and bear about a month ago. Mom, Alyssa, and I were at the mall and there was a draw for free gas for a year. So we waited around to see if we won, (nope) and a clown was doing kids makeup for them. So she has her face painted in these pics! She thought she was the cats ... lol
Not much else is going on thank heavens. Is everyone getting ready for the holidays??? Im not looking forward to it. Last year my tree was already up by now I think and all the decorations were up. This year Im going to hold off a bit. Just not in the mood. I hope that for Alyssas sake I can get into the xmas spirit. I know its not fair to her to be bummed out so Ill do my best to cheer up. It really is hard though. I think back to how amazing and wonderful last Xmas was. Nothing will ever top that. I had the best christmas and new years ever. Both my kids were with me. Now Jacob is only with us in spirit. Im a bit selfish so I would rather have my son here with me then up in Heaven. I know that he is probably having the time of his life, in Heaven, and safe and healthy. Being taken care of. But being a mom... well you angel moms know what I mean. Just not the same. Its reassuring to know that you know you child is now healthy and safe... but you need to see that. You need to know that he/she is ok. We physically cant see our children anymore and it is the hardest thing to deal with on a daily basis...
I did get a sign (I believe) from Jacob when I was going up to the hospital. I havent been there since he passed away. So I was more then anxious, and panicking about walking in there. I was parking and starting to freak a bit about going in there... when our song came on. The one by Kenny Chesney, Who Youd be Today. I of course started to cry a bit and listened to it before going in. I think it was Jacob letting me know that it was ok... just get in there and get your finger looked at. It was so nice. Thanks baby bear!
Thanks everyone... PLEASE remember to watch Extreme Home Makeover this Sunday and tell everyone you know.
Hugs
Ange
Here are the pics of Alyssa and bear! Enjoy!
Saturday, October 22, 2005 8:22 AM
Wow... its been since Oct 4th for an entry. So sorry about not updated at all this month. Not because it hasnt been busy, just have had a pretty hard month to be honest. I have lots to update... I usually forget something but Ill try to fill everyone in on whats been happening this month...
The grief group I have been going to has really been hard on me. It is bringing out alot of memeories that I havent been thinking about. To say the least...its quite the emotional journey. The week after Thanksgiving I was literally dreading. It was the week that in group we were going to talk about the night our loved one died. I wasnt sure if I could go to it... talk about that night, anything. A few days prior to Monday.. I think the Tues or Wed before, my computer was in getting a little upgrade. Well something went wrong and it was about 4 days before I had my comp back and working again. I am on this hunk of metal more then I prob should be. But Im addincted... I guess Im a bit of a comp geek now! lol. Anyway I had a lot of free time on my hands...had a few days off work too. So what was I to do? I think it was the second night with no comp. I started to go through a bit of Jacobs stuff. Then I went looking for a screwdriver...and couldnt find one. So I put it off...thought that maybe I wasnt supposed to be taking his crib down from the living room yet. If you remember what my livingroom looks like it was a lot of stuff. Heres a little photo just to show you... 
See, my livingroom was basically Jacobs bedroom, with all his toys, medical equipment, carts, crib and all that stuff... So it was everywhere. Jacobs things were half my livingroom. I even turned my couch around a few months ago so that it divided the livingroom, so I didnt have to stare at it all the time, but knew that it was there also.
Well anyway I was going through it all and ended up buying a screwdriver when I was out the next day. I ended up taking it all upstairs to his room and then dismanteled his crib. That was beyond HARD. I had to go outside a few times to have some air. It was just awful. I cant even believe that its all gone. I know in the long run that it is better for Alyssa to have it all put away. She was actually really happy when she came home from school. She was like.. wow mom I love it. Now she doesnt have to explain to her friends when they are over why there is a crib in the livingroom with no baby. Im sure that was pretty hard for her. I put Bears crate in that empty spot now and my rocking chair. Thats where our Christmas tree was last year...before I put Jacobs crib there, so I guess now for Christmas I dont have to try to find a spot to put the tree... OMG I cant even believe Im talking about Christmas already. Its coming so close so fast. It creeps up on you eh.
Well that was tough.. then at the group a few days later talking about the night Jacob passed away... wow. That was really emotional. Not just for me but for everyone there. Hearing all the lives lost... all that sadness. It was hard. Very emotional. I got through it though. And felt horrible for a few days after, but now Im a bit better with it all. Im going to put up a few pictures of Jacob this time last year. He was getting to look so much like a little boy, and not just a little baby. I believe he got his first haircut around this time maybe more into Nov last year. I remember that day so well.
Alyssa is going to be a 'nice' sourcerer (sp?) this year. Its a beautiful costume. If I dont get back on here before, have a great Halloween and keep them safe. I know Alyssa is excited! Me too kinda, I always get the pic of her stuff lol!!!
This is one of my absolute favorite pictures of Jacob. He just looks like such an angel here. 
Jacob and our lovely nurse Tiffany. I sure miss you Tiff... Ill have to email you soon, promise...naa Ill give you all call soon, even better. We love you
My styling boy! What a cutie!
HOmeboy Jacob... lol he looked so cute here.. when he was able to sit up... he loved it! Not very often could he do this. I was so proud of him to be sitting up. He loved the new look to his world. 
And of course being outside was one of his favorites!
Watching his wiggles of course!!!
Thanks for listening as Always, and thanks for signing Jacobs guestbook.
Hugs
Ange
Tuesday, October 4, 2005 1:00 PM
Im so sorry that I havent posted in quite awhile. Life carries on I guess and Ive been pretty busy, working, fullfilling the life of an 8 year old and just trying to get through the days.....
I have sooo much to post about but dont know where to start. So Ill just see what I can come up with :)
First if you would like to read some AMAZING news!!!! Click here to read NATIONAL news about SMA!!!!! Im sure many of you have seen the show Extreme Home Makeover!!! Well finally a childs family with SMA is getting it. I dont know the family but was informed about it. This little boy is amazing and his family sounds great too. Their home is being demolished as we speak while they are off on a fablous spa vacation. On the 8th it will be finished and they will be back in their brand new home. How awsome is that???? SMA is finally going to get NATIONAl coverage. Im so thrilled about that. So many more people will know about SMA now! And thats what we need. More people to know = better knowledge and faster $s being raised and closer to the cure!!! WHoo HOO!
Also could you say a prayer for our little man Charlie. He is sick right now, has been for almost 2 weeks. Thankfully it hasnt gone south and entered his lungs but he could use some get better prayers.
I have started my grief group 3 weeks ago. Wow... Lots of emotions bottled up come out Mon morings from 10-12. I tell you I talk and think about stuff I havent in months. I hope it gives me whatever I need to get over this exhaustion thing. This tired all the time and no energy to do anything. I really hope so. This week was really hard for me yesterday. We talked about from the diagnosis on but not the day he passed.. That will be talked about in 2 weeks as this next mon is thanksgiving. So I mentioned to him that I didnt know if I could go to that meeting or not. And he really insisted that I go and try to talk about it. I havent really talked much about the night he passed away to many people. I mean really, who wants to hear that anyway. So he says that the tired and exhaustion is part of bottling up your emotions and says it takes alot of energy to keep it in your subconscious. I didnt know that but that might be the reason for my... ahem.. lack of energy!!! Ill keep you updated with what ever progress I feel I have with it. I was going to quit it but then thought what the heck.. I might as well try it right?
Also I havent even began to get any details about it yet.... BUT I was thinking of joining forces with Laura Stants who runs SMA Support and opening up a chapter of it here in Canada... This is going to be time demanding Im sure and needs alot of planning and I think I have to get it registered and stuff but hopefully soon we will have a chapter here in Canada! Im excited and scared about it but Im sure things will work themselves out if it is meant to be!!! I have to think of a name for it. Something like Jacobs Angels, or SMA Support Canada... not sure... am open to ideas!!!
Ok thats about it for now.
I hope everyone is safe and healthy and Im sorry I have not been around to anyones guestbooks but I will try to soon when things calm down. It is amazing weather here still and we are outside enjoying it!
PS Bear is doing great!!! He is much happier now! Thanks for the thoughts.
PSS I have sent out the bracelts to everyone who ordered them. I hope you get them soon.
Hugs
Angela
Thursday, September 15, 2005 9:30 AM
Ok... where to begin?
Alyssa started school last Monday, and she is really enjoying it. She loves her teacher and is happy to see all her friends again. She does really great in school. She is a smart cookie and helps the other kids. I had to pick her up early the other day (had to go to work early) and I got to talk to her teacher for a bit. She is thrilled with Alyssa and says she is doing really great. I guess Alyssa is usually the first one done her work, so she has started her on a math journal, and some other work while she waits. She said that during her free time in class she is the one that helps the teacher sharpen pencils and stuff! She helps the other kids. Well, Alyssa said that the boy next to her copies her work, but she doesnt mind she said!!! LOL Anyway all that to say that she is really doing great in school. Her teacher didnt know that her brother passed away, when I mentioned it, so I just asked her to watch over her and let me know if she has any concerns with her emotionally, or if she starts to slip in school. SO far though she is doing good and Im proud of her. I mean it...she really is one smart cookie!!!
Lisa, no my star was only there for two nights? Weird eh! Im glad that it was there when I needed it though.
The bracelets are in!!!! I have gotten lots of emails requesting them. And some have sent me the money. So the ones that I have gotten the money for I will be mailing them today, and you should get them soon! To answer some of the email questions, Ill try to email you all back as soon as I can... but quickly yes you can send me american money, the money is actually going to the states when I get it all anyway and it will save me from changing it over anyway. No you dont have to send anything for postage, I am covering that. Sorry but I dotn have youth sizes for these ones. Just the adult sizes, Alyssa and all her friends still wear them. Most kids wear it as an anklet. Ummm.... I forget some of the other questions... but Ill email you all back that sent in questions to me in my email box.
Me and ALyssa were both sick for a week, then I broke my pinkie toe, then we were better, now we are both coughing and sick again :( Man what a long two weeks it has been!
Bear is sad.... I know I know... how can a puppy be sad. But really I think he is depressed. See, he goes to my moms while I work. She babysits him and Alyssa for me (thanks a million mom) and he has Buddy there to play with (moms lab) and has a big backyard to run in, and loves it outside. He absolutely loves it there and of course my parents spoil him there. Well anyway when I bring him home he does NOTHING but sit at the bottom of my stairs at my door, and believe me its like 2X2 and he just sits there. I bring him upstairs and to bed with us but he just goes on right back to the stairs, sitting at the door. He doesnt eat hardly at all here and I have to take him outside on a leash to go tto the bathroom as I have no yard. So he will do his thing then lay on his back with his feet in the air and just lay there... I go to give him a tug and call him to come in and still just lays there. UGH. I go to pick him up and he nips me. Like hes saying I dont think so missy, just try to make me go back in there. Poor guy. I take him with us everywhere, he loves the car but in the mornings when I drop Alyssa off he cries the whole way home for ALyssa. Today he cried right till he got out of the car and then got sick when he got out. And wont eat or drink??? Poor dog eh. He eats at moms like there is no tomorrow... I dont know what to do with him. Maybe he is just confused as to where he lives? Obviously he likes moms better :( Im so sad about it! LOL My dog hates me!!! Anyway other then that he is doing good! I walk him everywhere. We walk with him up to the store and stuff. So I just dont know what he wants. YOu would think he would be happy here. He used to be... He will be 5 months on the 24th... Any doggie advice out there?
So thats about it for now. For the regular people who visit this site... will you say a prayer for Carol. I havent heard from her in a few days. Im going to call her tonight but she lives in North Carolina, in Conway. I cant find it on any map. Mom tried everything last night to find it. She said it was a stop light town! And real small she was right... you cant even find it on a map even on the internet! So Carol if your reading this I dont work tonight and am hoping that your not getting any of that hurricane. I hope you and the kids are ok. Ill call you tonight. If you have heard from her (lisa??) let me know if you know if she is ok.
Thanks guys...
Ange
Saturday, September 3, 2005 12:34 AM
It seems horrible of me to have a boo hoo day in the wake of what is happening down south. Our prayers are with them.. and Because its called life... our lives do go on. And we still do have bad days....
I was watching a movie tonight... Alyssa is at moms, I had to work until 10 and work again at 7 tomorrow morning. So anyway I watched Lot Like Love tonight when I got home. Well wasnt I bawling like a baby after that love story and went outside for a breather ;) Had a real good cry... girls you know those cries, hoping no ones around to hear or see you but needing it none the less.. Well I should be thankful I have a roof over our heads, and a car to drive and food in the fridge...better then a lot of others right now. But I was missing Jacob, and venting about my own struggles, working 40+ hours a week right now for min. wage and still struggling to even get by. I was bawling about the loss of one of the most important things in my life... my son. How I miss him so. After watching that love story and crying my eyes out about my own stuggles... you know, you cry wishing something like that love story would happen to you. You wish that things would just get easier and better... For a minute there I was actually thinking to myself...can things actually get worse. What can be worse...
Do you all remember me telling of that star I used to talk to? It was right outside my door. I used to tell that star everything, I used to pray to it. I even said when it disappeared, I guess I was wishing on the wrong star. It was around for almost all of Jacobs life... Then one day it was gone. Well tonight after I was bawling and having a good cry... didnt I see that star... planet... satalite...whatever it is. Its a different brighter star then all the others. Well wasnt it right there where it used to be??? So weird? So thank you Jacob. I know that is you telling me that even though things seem hard and desperate for me right now... more people have it worse. And eventually things will get better... Eventually I will meet my Oliver... eventually I will have those other children I would give anything to have right now. Eventually things will be ok....
I know sooooo many others have it soooooo much worse then I right now. But still life goes on and we still have our sad and depressed times. And it just takes something so small like seeing an old star come by to let you know that things will be ok.
Jacob hunny I know you know how much mommie misses you. Thank you again for sending me that star just when I needed it. Your amazing and I love and miss you so much. Im sending you kisses right now... catch them angel.
Thanks everyone for being there for Jacobs birthday and sending all the wonderful messages about his stone. I too think its perfect.
I didnt get the bracelets today :( Sorry but hopefully with the holiday being Mon we will have them by Tues... Ill update when we will have them and let you all know when Ive mailed them all out. Sor far Ive got 1 persons envelope. So Ill email you when I get yours so you know...k.
Hugs and prayers to everyone...and in your darkest times try to smile and know that things will get better and that thigns seem to work themselves out. And others do have it worse then you.... I am slowly learning that in my grieving process.
Ange
Friday, August 26, 2005 9:48 Am
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Continued update at the bottom!!!!
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Well....Im home. Im hoping that I can try to update on all of our weekend. It was filled with so many wonderful emotions as well as some saddening ones. Honestly words will fail me to explain how amazing and moving this weekend was for me and my family. I will try my best to give it justice...
First though the SMA Wristbands are in...
Here is a photo of what they look like. They will also come with a card attached to it with Jacobs picture and explaining where they money goes. It is a beautiful card along with a beautiful bracelet. There is 2 colors purple and multicolor. They are $2. If you would like one send me your address and mail a twoonie and Ill get it out to you. Here is a photo of what they look like... hope it works.
Arnt they beautiful??? I love them. And have sold 80 of my hundred in 3 days!!! Im ordering more so dont worry I will have more soon. Actually now that Im updating...I have sold all the first 100...but I have ordered more, another 200. So Ill have some for everyone that has emailed and wanting them!!!! All the money goes to the Miracle for Madison fund. It supports research and is the closest in finding a cure!!!
Ok I dont even know what I was expecting this weekend...some closure, a bit of tears, of course happy ones for the children here... A bit of everything I guess. I have only seen a few type 2s at last years Rebbecca Run and not any other type 1s like Jacob. Anyway our drive there was great....
Shannon just got here...too be continued!!!
Sorry for the tease.... lol
I think I have a few minutes to dedicate to this past weekend! Alyssa is outside playing so I hope I can get this down. I have soo been wanting to.
Ok, Thurs night we (my mom, Shannon, Alyssa, and my Aunt Sandy (my moms sister) and her granddaughter Shaylee,and I stayed at another hotel in Norfolk. We got up early to get there first thing Fri. I was so emotional...but held it together. There were a few children and parents floating around. The first we saw was the lovely Stacy and her daughter Morgan. Stacy helped Laura put this whole thing together. I talk to all these people everyday for a year and a half and when you actually meet them it is such a weird thing. I always thought of everyone as my family...but now I know that they are! Anyway we got into our room...which was sadly one of the only 5 rooms that was SMALL! on the ground floor. But we took it anyway. The kids were supposed to be sleeping on the floors in sleeping bags anyway! We got unpacked and went into the oceanfront ballroom they had for us for the weekend to meet everyone.
Slowly people and the kids started coming into the room. The buzzing of the machines started to hum it got stuffy, and the room seemed so small in an instant. I got sweaty and then a suction machine turned on. Then it hit me...I couldnt breathe, I was hot, I needed air. I had to get out. The door was on the other side of the room. So I turned around and there was a door to the outside there so I went to open it and it was locked. I think I had a small panick attack or something. I started to cry and made an ass of myself and looked desperately for an exit. I seen another small door across the room and I ran for it. It turned out to be the kitchen and I went flying into it and knocked over pans and stuff and flew out into the hallway. I turned around and mom was coming from the other door. SHe was crying too. She said the suction bothered her and she had to get out. So we sat in the hall crying for a bit then went to our room. I was telling her that I thought it was a mistake and didnt think I could handle this weekend and it was too soon. I was so upset cause for 1 I made an ass outa myself and was embarrased and another I didnt think that I could do everything this weekend. Mom and everyone said to just do what I could and see what happens.
So we decided to take the girls to the beach. Alyssa wanted to go back and meet more people but I told her as soon as I could we would. Well when we were going to the beach would you know it.... Lisa and Kari and her son (Alex) Sorry I think were out on the boardwalk looking for us! So we all went to the beach and I got to play with Kari and take her down to the ocean and had a blast letting the water come up to her toes and then we would laugh and stuff. I was so happy to see them. It was great meeting you Lisa. I wish we could again soon. It was a great time for sure. We waited for Carol and her boys to get there. Then after a bit they got there too and we all just hung out on the beach and let the kids play in the ocean and had some good talks. I have some great photos of them on the beach. Ill make an online album again so you all can see them.
A little later Lisa had to get the kids off to football. Poor Kari had so much sand all over her I bet she still has some in those cute dimples of hers. She had sand all over her eyes and everywhere.
Then we all went up to our room and sat around outside (we stole all the chairs outside and had like 10 around for everyone to sit on!!!) Then we ordered some pizza and Shannon wanted to go parasailing!!! LOL LOL LOL. She was bound and bend and determined that she wanted to go. My Aunt said that she would go with her and Shaylee wanted to go to. Alyssa said she was too scared. So we had to say goodbye to the boys...omg Carol your are going to have yoru hands full girl! They are heartbreakers. I love them to pieces. And Aaron has the cutest little squishy butt! I just love babies bums! LOL Anyway we said our goodbyes and went on our way.
We drove down to where that was going to be and then Alyssa wanted to go. I knew she wouldnt do it but let her anyway. I have a whole roll the boat driver took of them all up in the air..>>OK remember I said it was SHANNON that really wanted to go. Well I guess the boat ride was real choppy (me and mom stayed at the bar and waited till they got off the boat) well when the boat came back... Shannon was GREEN!!! And I mean green. I guess she puked up in the air when her and sandy and shaylee were all up there. LOL They said it was pretty funny (sorry Shannon)!!! Well then going home didnt she puke in the van again! LOL ewwww~
After that Shannon was out for the night she was so sick, mom and Sandy and the kids went to Wallmart and I went for a walk. I found Tiffany and Kate, Angel Kaydences mom and went into their room with them for a few hours. We cried and talked about our angels and cried some more. It was awsome to get to spend that time together. It meant alot to me so thanks for sharing your time with us. Then it was POURING and storming out and mom and them finally made it back about 12-1.
We got up Sat and hung out with some people. I ran into Kim in the lobby and she TOLD me to sit down. Kim is Charlies mom Charlie is two days younger then Jacob his BD is Aug 22. So anyway she said your holding Charlie. OMG I almost fainted. As soon as I held him I went to lay him flat... lol Shes like what are you doing??? Its just a habbit! Anytime I hold a baby its instinct to want to lay them flat! Charlie is a lot stronger then my Jacob was. Thank heavens. He is doing SOOOOO amazing for a type 1. He is so special. I think I have about 2 whole rolls of just charlie from that weekend. He is so special to me. Hes the same age as Jacob and I have just always taken such a bond to him. I love him to pieces that chatter box. Kim you really have a special little angel there. My whole family fell in love with him and now see why I ALWAYS am talking about my CHarlie. Mom wanted to bring him home. But Kim, really, if you hadnt of done that I dont think I could have done anything for the rest of the weekend. You pushed out whatever was keeping me away Fri. I gained all my strength back and held it together for most of the rest of the weekend. THank you soooo much.
Well then we all went over the the other hotel to the ball room for lunch and Carol got there to bring the BD cakes for Jacob and Charlie. Everyone has told me that they fell in love with Carol. Im so glad that she got to come and see what Jacob was like. You just cant help but LOVE all our children and cherish all their special qualities. It was a great time. We all floated around and met everyone. I have known these kids for so long but to finally see them in person...to see what they can do and sing about and talk about and laugh and have a great time. Oh it made it so much fun. I love our kids!!!! They are so special. Anyway we all sang happy birthday to charlie and Jacob and had some cake. Even the kids that cant eat got to taste some icing on their tounge! IT was emotional and also special because Charlie is a sign of strength and that he is making it and doing great because of SMA support and everyones hard work and dedication to our kids. And learning how to properly take care of our kids. So it was happy and sad all together.
Then on with the kareokee (sp?) The kdis were all up there singing and dancing. It was great. THen they played a real sad Angels are among us song and I lost it again. I had to leave again bawling...ughh. I went outstide and there were others getting a breather too. So it was good. Then we were all outside talking and missing our angels and then SPLASH. Some kids from the top balcony dumped a cooler full of water all over us and our cameras... OMG lol At the time we were upset. When we found out the cameras were all ok...even Laura expensive one I said...there thats a heck of a sign from thekids eh. "quit your bawling and get back in there and have a good time" I bet they were saying!
So we had some free time. I couldnt go back in there so we took a break. The kids went swimming and my poor aunt was so sore from taking the kdis in the ocean and getting dumped into the water! Thanks though Sandy... you were a big help. Then about 7:15 we had to be on the boardwalk for the butterfly release...IM going to copy and paste something Laura said. It is so meaningful to me. Hope you all enjoy it.....
"Our angels were never far from my mind the entire weekend. It's impossible not to see your own child in the children around you who all share the same SMA characteristics. I had been to a couple of Miracle for Madison events and met a couple of other kids, but I had never been to a conference or where there was a large group of kids, and last year at the SMA Support Greenville Gathering, I was pretty shaky when I got home for a few days. I can't explain why completely, though I'm pretty sure Ange relates from this last weekend and some of you others may from past experiences. Steve (my husband) was in bigger shell shock than I was, he'd never even met another child with SMA, let alone been around the community that we have, and he was incredibly impressed by the parents, and incredibly hit between the eyes by the kids. He understood why I spend so much time on the computer. :) Anyway, that wasn't what I wanted to say.
This weekend, when we did the butterfly release, I told you guys that I had enough to do one for each of our angels here on the grief chat, and I did. Many of them I opened myself, personally, and a few I had some other people open. First, many of the butterflies often just hovered on or around people, stopped and visited. They didn't all just fly away into the sunset, some stopped and gave us some time with them. A legend states that if you whisper your wish to a butterfly, it can not speak the wish to anyone because it is silent, so it carries your wish on its wings up to the heavens where it can tell its Creator of your wish. I saw a few people whispering, and it was just very touching. Butterflies also seemed to land where needed. I know Ange had a visitor. And Lily & Amy had a visitor. And Kaydence's dad had a visitor. And so on.
It was a bit later that I tied together what I actually wanted to tell you. I noticed that two of the envelopes I opened actually had two butterflies in them, and one other person had two as tell. I thought that was neat, but didn't think much of it. I found out later that one of the envelopes I had someone else open had four butterflies in it. These envelopes are supposed to come one butterfly per envelope for their own safety, and I didn't know of anyone else having multiple butterflies in their envelopes or why they'd pack them that way where they came from. And then it hit me.
Two butterflies for Devon & Sidney
Two butterflies for Eric & Jessica
Two butterflies for Owen & Grant
Four butterflies for Charlie, Angie, and Babies Parks
And all the butterflies who were in a tiny envelope with other butterflies were strong, healthy, and flying free too.
As the song says, I believe there are angels among us...
There are pictures up at SMA support . There are 5 pages of photos up, but I do not have the candle lighting and butterfly pictures up separately from the others. So if you don't want to look through at all the kids, etc., that's okay, but in case you did, I wanted to send them on...
Talk to you soon,
Laura"
That about sums up the butterfly and candlelighting release. I have some great photos too that Laura will be adding to there as well as several others. Just keep checkin back to that site. What an amazing experience.
Alyssa did GREAT all weekend. I was a little worried about how that would go but she is a little angel herself. She did great with all the kdis. And I cant tell you how many times the parents came and told me how special they thought Alyssa was. She played with all the kids and talked to them and helped them and I couldnt be prouder of her. I thought it might be too hard for her...but she did great and made some great friends. I love her so much and honestly am so proud of her. SHe really is a special girl.
It was great talking to everyone and finally meeting everyone that has helped me and Jaocb and my family so much over the last 2 years. Such a great time and experience. Im sooo glad that I decided to go. Thanks so much Laura for organizing this and Stacy and you did a great job. It couldnt have been better. You girls are amazing and Laura your such an inspiration to me. We love you all so much. I miss you all already.
Ok Thats long enough for now. So much more to update... but Pictures say a thousand words so check out this site....
Pictures
And see how amazing it was. Ill have pics soon too!
Jacob hunny....thank you so much for all the wonderful signs you gave us this weekend to let us know you were there too. I miss you and know you were there in spirit and were thought of all weekend by so many. I hope you got your balloons everyone sent you. I sent you some with Alyssa after we got home... hope you liked them.
Love and hugs baby bear and miss you so much.
Hugs and thanks for helping with the braclets. Ill have more ASAP and get them out as soon as I get them.
Also his headstone is complete.. Ill send a pic later too.
Love you all
Ange
Saturday, August 13, 2005 11:30 PM
Ok.... So I know Im going to be super busy over the next few days. Im working nights for the next 4 nights until we leave for Virginia on Thurs. so I dont know if Ill have much time on the computer before we leave. And it would litterally break my heart to not be able to put my heart and soul on here and wish my angel in heaven a Happy Heavenly 2nd Birthday. So I would like you all to wish him a birthday on the 20th...mines just a little early...
Jacob...ohhhh Jacob, where do I begin??? You know mommie has a knack for typing, spilling her guts and rambling :) so Ill just start to type and type away and see where this takes me. In 7 days I should be celebrating my sons 2nd birthday... instead Ill be at the gathering in Virginia. I should be buying Jacob 2 year old presents....instead Ill be releasing butterflies to heaven. I should be buying more movies and watching more cartoons with Jacob, instead a few days ago on chat we were talking about what movies our kids love and we love, and I forgot one of your most favorite shows... I couldnt think of it and I cried so hard knowing that I had forgotten which show was your new most favorite... I remembered today, what that show was...it was Bear in the Big Blue House...I remembered Wiggles, Big Comfy Couch, Blues Clues, and Elmo used to be your favorites... but I knew you had a new one and I bought you about 4 the week you passed away with Shannon at Zellers, they had a bunch of em so I bought them all. Its only been 6 months and I forget already.... I forget stuff you know... it just happens... I should be buying you all the toys you want.... instead I bought your headstone.... I should be buying new clothes for you Jacob... I miss you so much baby... God do I ever miss you. I would give anything in my power to have you back...
I love all your old pictures. Baby, I wish you the most brilliant, glorious, best birthday ever in heaven... This is your first away from mommie, and your first in heaven. This is so hard for me. But I just hope and pray that you are happy and celebrating with your angel buddies... Its your friend angel Cole Webbs Birthday today. He is 3. Did you go to his party??? Is he coming to yours?
In 6 days it will be 6 months since you left my arms. I remember that night like it was tonight right now. I was starting to forget all that pain, but the closer it gets the more and more I am remembering stuff.. Wether it happened or not...wether Im imagining it all it still hurts so much Jacob. Its so much harder on us...here left behind. Im trying my best to be happy that your free from that DAMN SMA but it is so hard. Us left here to miss you and be here without you are hurting. I smelled your pappy hat again today. It still smells like your sweet sweet strawberry smell you had. Man Jacob..... 6 months.... Can you please come to me in my dreams... please come to me and tell me your ok...show me something... give me a sign...try your hardest baby...I really need that right now. Maybe Im looking too hard??? I dont know...
I remember last year at your birthday party...do you remember what I wispered to you... I thanked you for fighting and being here for your first party. And I promised you that I would do everything to help you make it to your second. I was sooooooo sure that you would be here. I was sooo sure that you would make it through anything....you always did. You always pulled through. I hope you know that I did try my hardest baby. I really did. I loved you MORE then any mother could ever love her child. I love you even more now...if thats possible. I miss you sooo much.
For your birthday this year I will be with all the other SMA children I have come to love and know so much about. I read about their ups and downs everyday on our chat email group. I wish you could be there in person Jacob, even though I know you will in spirit. I will try my hardest for you baby..no tears... Once they start I know they wont stop... Watch for the butterfly release Jacob. And watch on the 20th your Birthday night...watch all the candles being lit all around the world for the SMA Awareness National Candle Lighting. At 8 PM could you all please light a candle for Jacob and all the other SMA angels... Its being done world wide all over the place. It would mean alot to me if you all participated in this with us.
Jacob... my angel, my baby bear.. I LOVE YOU and miss you and want to snuggle up under your chin right now. I want to hold your hand, smell your breath, hear your giggle, give you a bath, just watch you sleep, and hear you breath, man listen to your machines humming.... I can wish and wish and wish and wish and wish and pray and pray and pray and nothing happens Jacob. You know Im praying and you know Im wishing... you hear me talking to you. I have a favorite star that I have had outside my door.. well I thought it was a satalite or a planet or something bright up there that I have watched and prayed to everynight for about a year...well its gone??? Just like that. That bright light I have been wishing on for months on end disapeared. I think with my wishes too. I think I was wishing on the wrong star baby.
I hope you know just how much happiness you brought into my life Jacob. You made me sooo happy. I never smiled as much in my life as when I have, being your mommie, and Alyssas too. I had the perfect family... me and my two angels. Im so proud of all you did Jacob and all you continue to do. You are and were such a good boy. My baby bear.
I love you and miss you more then I could ever write here angel. More then words could do justice. I dont even know If Ive wished my angel a Happy Birthday and Angel day too.
Happy Birthday to my special, sweet, angelic, miricle sent directly from heaven...on loan. My angel on Loan. I wish you all the happiness I couldnt give you here baby. All the amazing things this earth couldnt give you. Run, play, skip, eat, breathe all you can baby. Play baseball, ride a bike, throw a ball, scrape your knee... run after a puppy too, but watch out...they have shape little teeth...right Bear!
Love you baby....
Love always and forever and ever and ever...
Mommie
Wednesday, August 10, 2005 11:00 PM
Ok... man when I dont update for a few days...or weeks ;) I have so much to tell.
First last Thurs Jacobs stone was put up. We went out to see it...me and mom. When I found out and was upset over the stone maybe not being able to go up in time for his Birthday and angel day I was upset but at the same time a little releived...you know...??? It was one of the last few things I could do for him and I didnt really deep down want it to be finished. So here it is... It is actually at the back of a beautiful cemetary, close to the road and sadly now beside a 6 year old boy that died here with cancer. A lot of my family is here too. It is under a young maple tree and the same kind of tree that is in moms back yard. The tree that Jacob loved to lay under in the summer and watch the leaves blow. The tree that he watched the sun gaze through. Forever his stone will rest under his favorite tree and as it grows it will shade his spot.
Unfortunately we cant have the garden that they put in for us. I didnt even think about that. His name is on the base of the stone.... And the garden will cover it. I def. dont have a green thumb so I dont know if we dig the garden a little deeper if there are smaller plants...flowers that we can put up there. The least of my worries right now. And honestly I dont really care about stupid stuff like that. I could care less. I would rather give him flowers and kisses then his stupid grave.... You know.. if he had of had a flat marker that layed on the ground it would have been covered by the snow anyway right? So forget that. I guess it doesnt matter that its on the base...ugh.
I am having an emotional time right now. With his special days coming so quickly... OMG has it really almost been 6 months??? Really??? I miss him so much. I am soooo thankful that I will be able to spend that weekend with some of you. I really am. I appologize now for how weepy I know Im going to be. I have so many emotions right now. I miss him so much. I LOVE him soooo much. To be able to give him just one more kiss...one more hug. Ugh...
We are going to the SMA support gathering in Virginia beach that weekend. We are leaving Wed night or Thurs morning. Staying over Thurs in a different hotel Thurs night and then at the gathering the Fri-Sun. Mom, Alyssa, SHannon, my Aunt Sandy and her granddaughter SHaylee and I are all going. Im so excited about it. Laura and Stacy Saville have worked so hard to get things in place and ensure we have a great get together. There is going to be a balloon release, a butterfly release, and Sat we are having a BD cake for Jacob and his friend Charlie that is also turning 2 and has SMA type 1 also. I am happy that that weekend will be filled with happy tears meeting all the kids (100+ people are going and around 20 SMA kids will be there) and sad tears for not having Jacob here with us.
Anyway this is long enough for right now.
Thanks for everything everyone. I love you all and want you to know how much it means to me that you are all here for us.
Angela
Wednesday, August 10, 2005 11:00 PM
Ok... man when I dont update for a few days...or weeks ;) I have so much to tell.
First last Thurs Jacobs stone was put up. We went out to see it...me and mom. When I found out and was upset over the stone maybe not being able to go up in time for his Birthday and angel day I was upset but at the same time a little releived...you know...??? It was one of the last few things I could do for him and I didnt really deep down want it to be finished. So here it is... It is actually at the back of a beautiful cemetary, close to the road and sadly now beside a 6 year old boy that died here with cancer. A lot of my family is here too. It is under a young maple tree and the same kind of tree that is in moms back yard. The tree that Jacob loved to lay under in the summer and watch the leaves blow. The tree that he watched the sun gaze through. Forever his stone will rest under his favorite tree and as it grows it will shade his spot.
Unfortunately we cant have the garden that they put in for us. I didnt even think about that. His name is on the base of the stone.... And the garden will cover it. I def. dont have a green thumb so I dont know if we dig the garden a little deeper if there are smaller plants...flowers that we can put up there. The least of my worries right now. And honestly I dont really care about stupid stuff like that. I could care less. I would rather give him flowers and kisses then his stupid grave.... You know.. if he had of had a flat marker that layed on the ground it would have been covered by the snow anyway right? So forget that. I guess it doesnt matter that its on the base...ugh.
I am having an emotional time right now. With his special days coming so quickly... OMG has it really almost been 6 months??? Really??? I miss him so much. I am soooo thankful that I will be able to spend that weekend with some of you. I really am. I appologize now for how weepy I know Im going to be. I have so many emotions right now. I miss him so much. I LOVE him soooo much. To be able to give him just one more kiss...one more hug. Ugh...
We are going to the SMA support gathering in Virginia beach that weekend. We are leaving Wed night or Thurs morning. Staying over Thurs in a different hotel Thurs night and then at the gathering the Fri-Sun. Mom, Alyssa, SHannon, my Aunt Sandy and her granddaughter SHaylee and I are all going. Im so excited about it. Laura and Stacy Saville have worked so hard to get things in place and ensure we have a great get together. There is going to be a balloon release, a butterfly release, and Sat we are having a BD cake for Jacob and his friend Charlie that is also turning 2 and has SMA type 1 also. I am happy that that weekend will be filled with happy tears meeting all the kids (100+ people are going and around 20 SMA kids will be there) and sad tears for not having Jacob here with us.
Anyway this is long enough for right now.
Thanks for everything everyone. I love you all and want you to know how much it means to me that you are all here for us.
Angela
Tuesday, August 2, 2005 6 :51 PM
A VERY HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO ANGEL KATELYN!!!!
I hope your second birthday was spent eating cake, icecream and running and playing up in the clouds. Im so honoured to have known you sweet princess puffy cheeks!
Deb and Brian, congratulations on your marriage. I was sooo shocked to see that! What a surprise and what a wonderful way to celebrate Katelyns birthday! Congrats my dear friend!
Our prayers are with the families on the flight that went down in Toronto this afternoon. I hope and pray that you all are safe and sound now. I dont think there were any fatalities.... For everyone else, be thankful for the little things...
Ok are you ready???? Here it is.... still not up yet but we took a pic anyway. I needed to show everyone. We still have to put his picture up in the middle of the box that he is holding. Underneath the box and his picture it says Baby Bear. And on the base it has his name...birth and angel dates... and then under that it has "Our Angel on Loan"... But isnt it just perfect for Jacob??? I just love it. They said to us now today that it might take about 2 weeks to get it up as two of the grave workers there are off sick. So it might NOT be up by his birthday? ! : !@@LK$@# I hope and pray it is... but if not.. we will deal with it!
Enjoy!
Saturday, July 30, 2005 4:30 PM
Well do I ever ever ever have some GREAT NEWS!!!!!
First is first though....
Sorry for being a little absent. I havent had time to get onto the computer much. I am way behind in emails. Just trying to catch up on a bit after I write this. We sure have been busy.
I have so much news!
OK, first I'm not sure if I updated on Alyssas time at camp. Just quickly, she talked my ear off. She had a blast and a really really great time. She said out of the 30 kids there only 5 took God into their heart and became Christians. She was one of them. I was so proud of her at that moment! She came home Sat, then I worked Sun am, and she was off to a cottage with my mom and her cousins, and Aunt for another 3 days :(. I missed her like crazy. Away from her for so long, man! She had a real good time though. SHe got back Wed, and then Thurs am, I took her to Canadas Wonderland with my brother and Shannon. OMG talk about a great day! My little 8 year old is not such a little girl anymore. Last year she was riding all the rides in kiddie land, Nickoloedian, and hanna barbara land. This year she was...get this... TOO TALL for the kiddie stuff. Yup, she is over 57" tall and couldnt go on most of them. She is now a roller coaster maniac. She dragged me on every loopy, swirly, upsidedown ride in that park!!! I cant believe I have such a wide girl here. She even had her hands up yelling WHOO HOO! I had to keep begging her to hang on please.. She even went on the Drop Zone. I guess its around 267 feet in the air...you go straight up and then free fall in 2-3 seconds to the ground. My brother didnt even go on it. She had a blast, and went on rides my brother was chicken to go onto.
Bear is diong great he is growing up and is now 3 months old. He is a really great dog. Learning new things all the time. Im so happy that I decided to get him.
Now for the bestest greatest news yet!!!!
Jacobs headstone is finally at the cemetary!!! Dad told me when I got to his house after work yesterday to sit down. He had something to tell me. I was like OMG what now. I cant handle anymore bad news. He goes, its about Jacobs headstone. My heart dropped I thought something else was wrong again, as the first time it was made, his last name was spelled wrong, and it was too small for the specks of the cemetary. So he says, its ready and at the cemetary. Its not up yet but we can go see it. You have no idea how much Ive been stressing over this. I have literally been worried sick if it would do Jacob justice and honour him and all. Well we drove out there. Rob was waiting for us and walked us behind the building and I said to him. Well, how is it. Hes like "its ok, nice." I thought right then that it wasnt going to be nice and that. So I turn the corner and OMG OMG OMG. It is PERFECT. It is everything Ive ever wanted to honor him. And HUGE! IT was supposed to be small and not that big but the company that made it said that he didnt like it that small and made it 2x bigger free of charge. I will post a pic of it next week once its up at his grave site. They have to pour the foundation for it to sit on and let it settle and then it should be up be late next week. Me, mom, and dad were all crying happy, glorious tears seeing it finally. It really is beautiful Im so happy with it. We couldnt have chose a better headstone for Jacob. I think he had a little something to do with chosing it. Just after we went up to see it and took a walk through the cemetary to visit my moms parents and her sister, a yellow butterfly came along to say hi! I think it was Jacob of course.
A HUGE, HUGE, special thank you goes out to my Parents, SMA Support, and Kim for helping make this happen. Without your help we couldnt have done this. My parents have done all that they could from the time Jacob was born and continue to help, love and honor Jacob everyday. I love you guys and I hope that you know how much all your help with Jacob means so much to me. Now "WE" finally will have a beautiful place just right to visit my son.
Laura, what can I say, because of your love for your angels, all this 'SMA support' has happened. You all helped Jacob prediagnosis, all the time he was here with us. You helped Jacob to live 18 months. I feel like family with you all. I love you all and cant wait to finally meet you at the Gathering. Thank you so much for everything Laura. Because of your help, we can finally be at peace and know that the final thing left to do as a mother for Jacob is done. It is sad, happy and all different emotions right now. I couldnt be happier with the perfect Baby Bear teddy bear headstone for Jacob. Nothing else would have suited. Its just perfect.
So again a BIG THANK YOU to my parents, Laura Stants and Kim for helping contribute to Jacobs headstone. Now my family can look back and be proud of all that we were able to do for Jacob. WE can have a special spot that WE can visit anytime we want and look back and be proud of what WE did for Jacob. Jacob knows WE did OUR best for him. And that WE never gave up. And that WE loved him unconditionally. WE now have our special place to talk, love and visit Jacob whenever WE would like to feel close to him.
I love you Jacob and only hope and pray that you are happy with your little teddy bear to forever be just yours. I can now go out there and feel a little better about being there. Sending you up big hugs and kisses angel. Its your birthday soon hunny. We will be having some cake with all your SMA friends on that day. And also Laura set up a wonderful butterfly release to do. Everyone at the gathering in Virginia, 100+ people will be getting butterflies and we will be sending them all off. Ill be sure to get lots of pictures. I cant wait to meet all your friends and meet all the parents to the children your playing with up in heaven.
MUAH! Love you baby bear!
I will try to catch up on emails today. I dont have to work, but want to spend some mommie time with Alyssa. So when I can Ill hop on here and try to read all that is happening.
I have a few more videos that I recorded of Jacob. I tried to get them up on his webpage but for some reason I cant right now. It might be fixed in a day or two but if you would like to see them, please email me at angela.trick@gmail.com and have the subject as Hospital Video and they will all group together and I can send it out to you all at once.
Thanks
Angela
Tuesday, July 19, 2005 11:00 AM
Well, Alyssa is off to camp! She sure is growing up fast. Me and mom drove her down there. The whole way, "are we there yet? We are going to be late. Are you lost? How much farther?" LOL It was funny. She couldnt wait to get there. Once we were there and got her registered and did the manditory head lice check we brought her up to her room. There is 3 other girls in her room and 3 camp councelors. So its almost one on one. I wanted to take tons of pics but she was going "ugh mom... just go.. im ok... you gotta leave now!!! I was so upset. She just wanted to go. So after I got a few pics of the room mom and I went outside and I went to the dining hall and talked to the cook. I wanted to see what she would be eating all week. She was really nice and told us everything!!! I guess last week with the 9-12 year olds there were 94 campers. This week with the 7-8 year olds there is only 30 so they will have a blast and get more time to do stuff. Im so excited for her and at the same time worried. I told her to call me as often as she could and she hasnt called yet!!! UGH> Im hoping that no news is good news. I hope that she does manage to call me at least once. But Im sure she is having a good time. She would call me if she wasnt. We stayed for a bit when we found out that they were meeting in the hall at 4:15 so we sat on the picnic tables hopign she wouldnt see us. We wanted to see her. So we went for a walk and checked out the beach and stuff. Then when she came out she looked right at us and held her hands in the air "MOM go home!!! Im ok!!! LOL it was funny. Then we finally left and went home. What can I say Im a worried mommie!
Bear is doing great. He is like two different dogs! When he wakes up he is full of pee and vinegar and then when hes tired and sleepy he is all cuddly and loveable! I just love him. MY dad and mom have been babysitting when I go to work so that hes not home all day alone. Dad wants to keep him! But I think baby sitting is enough! He gets along great with their 12 year old lab BUddy! I think that Buddy tries hard to keep up with him lol.
Jacobs headstone was delayed b/c when they got the specks back for it it was too small for the cemetary. So they are making it bigger to fit the specks free of charge, but that means it is taking longer then expected. And it was spelled wrong, had an OR and not an ER for his last name. At least I caught it and they didnt make it wrong. So NOW... they are telling us that it should be ready by the end of July. I sure hope so.
This week will be so boring! I picked up an extra shift at work, and Ill be spending time swimming at moms. Ill even try to get this messy house cleaned up. It sure needs it.
I am hoping that some of you would be willing to get involved in raising money for SMA Support in this fundraiser. I put it up before... But Annette has the final cross stitch picture she did of Jacob framed and ready. So if you would like a cross stitch of anyone, person, pet thing done you should try to enter into this cross stitch fundraiser. She will make anything for you if you win. It will be drawn in August at the SMA support gathering. Ill attach a picture of the cross stitch that she made of Jacob to show you what wonderful work she does. I just absolutely love it. 
Isnt that just beautiful!!!! Ohhh I cant wait to get that up on my wall. When we move into the new place Im dedicating one of my walls to Jacob. And putting all the wonderful gifts that people have sent us and all his special things and the pictures. Here is the info if you would like to particapte.
There is some glare unavoidable but you can see how beautiful this will be. Please send this on to anyone in your address book. This does not have to be a SMA child it don't even have to be a human. It can be a favorite pet, a passed away family member any person or pet that you would like a cross stitch of.
Tickets are $5 each or 5 for $20
Checks made payable to SMA Support can be mailed to
Annette Cordes
800 Sandlot Road
Stedman, NC 28391.
If you have paypal you can do it directly on SMA Supports website.
Thank you everyone.
Love and hugs
Angela
Friday, July 8, 2005 10:15 PM
Just wanted to wish Jacob's uncle Dan, (my brother) a very Happy 30th Birthday!!! I hope that this year brings you everything you need and deserve. You have been a great friend to me over the last two years. Im glad that our relationship has grown over this time. You were a great help with Alyssa and Jacob. I have watched you become a man and I cant wait till I have a few neices and nephews running around. (get on it Shannon!!!) Anyway Ill see you tomorrow at your bash and have a good one! I dont say it often enough, but I love yah Bro!
Only nine more days till my girl Alyssa goes to camp for a week. She leaves on the 17th and Ill be driving her so I can get a feel for the place and picking her up. OMG can you say a nervous mommie here! I am starting to get a little worried about what could happen and I wont be there to fix her owies and stuff. It will be much harder on me then her. She will prob not even remember me while there lol. She is enjoying her summer and having a good time. Im happy that she is able to smile as much as she does and still talk about her brother and memories. She is so special and such a wonderful daughter. I really lucked out with the two special children I was blessed with.
Bear has been pretty good. He still has his accidents at night cause I give in to the whining while he is in his kennel and put him into the kitchen where he loves to sleep. So he goes on the paper there. Other then that at night he is a good little puppy. He sure like to ankle bite though. Man I cant wait till those baby teeth fall out. He already sits when told. And also when out and about and I ask him to. He walks better on the leash. And my dad got him to shake a paw while he babysat him today while my mom, alyssa and I went shopping. He wouldnt do it for me but did for him.! So far still no news about the move yet. I thought for sure they would be on me for the 1st of August but they still havent rescheduled the rent review so no news is good news for now!
We had a nice break from the heat for awhile. I have some pics of Alyssa swimming with Bear! Once they are developed Ill get them up. Yup swimming. He loved the pool on those really hot days and would cry and cry when we were all swimming and would jump or fall in running along the edge. So now he is a water dog i guess!
I have been busy working and training the dog and dealing with 8 year old crisises. LOL It never seems to end does it. We are getting through the days a little easier now. The memories are fading and only the real happy good ones seem to be most vibrant. Im happy about that. Those first few months of what ifs and what should haves and the last moments haunted me. But Jacob would not want that and Im starting to understand more of this thing called grief. I put my feet forward and do what has to be done and seem to get by ok. Of course there are the days that you just cant seem to do anything but cry indoors and hide away. They are less and less now. With August coming and not knowing what Ill be doing that weekend really is starting to give me little panicks. What do you do for your sons birthday when he isnt here anymore? Also that weekend is his 6 month angel day. And the national SMA Awareness Candle lightening day. And the SMA support gathering in Virginia beach. I would give my left arm to go to that. But the finances just arnt looking like it will happen, and how do you get a weekend, actually Thurs to Mon cause 18 hour drive, off. Well...we shall see! Things seem to always work themselves out dont they...
Have a great weekend everyone.
Angela
Wednesday, June 29, 2005 2:00 PM
Hey everyone. Again I must appoligize for not updating often. Just isnt much to talk about.
First everyone is worried about the move. Well good news for now. They cancelled the rent review 2x now so so far I think it will now be either aug or sept!!! Im so happy and relieved about it lemme tell you. I will be more ready then I think.
I have been busy trying my hardest to train bear (yup still his name) And job hunting. I think I have found a job for now till something better comes along. Man Icant get over how hard it is to find a good job lately. All the students snatched them up a few months ago.
I have two important things to tell you about...
1. Annette Cordes is doing a fundraiser. She cross stitches. And she did one of Jacob for me out of the goodness of her heart. It is just beautiful. Looks just like the picture. She is raising money for SMA support Here is the info for you...
Greetings,
I wanted you all to be the first to hear. I am doing a raffle like Kristin did last year of a cross stitch of any person, pet, etc. The raffle tickets will be $5.00 each or 5 for $20.00. The money will go to SMA Support so make checks payable to SMA Support. The drawing for the winning raffle ticket will be at The Gathering in Virginia Beach. I have only done one so far but I am including a photo of it. It will be framed before the recipient receives it. I hope everybody buys lots of tickets after all the money is for SMA Support. Feel free to forward this email on to your mailing list as the more the better. Now to enter mail a check or money order to
Annette Cordes
800 Sandlot Road
Stedman, NC 28391
Be sure to make checks payable to SMA Support and include name, address and phone number for the person purchasing the tickets. Any questions can be sent to me at katelynsnana@nc.rr.com.
If you can get involved in this fundraiser it would help out alot of kids. Please if you can get involved. Remember that it is american money when sending your checks. You can have any pet, child or thing cross-stitched as long as you have a picture of it. This is such a great way to remember a loved one.
2. Also could you please take a minute and sign this petition. I was just informed about it and have emailed several people and they have signed it. (Thank you all who did) Thanks so much. Here is the link
SIGN PETITION HERE
Thank you all...
Well not much else to update. Its hotter then hot here. Heat wave mania! I hope your all keepign cool. Alyssa is excited that today is her last day of school.
She is going to her church camp July 17-23 OMG Can you say WORRIED!!! I wont have any children with me for a week??? At least Ill have Bear to keep me busy and company> She is so excited to be going. Im happy that she is still able to have fun and still love her brother in her heart. I cant tell you how much I miss him. It hits me in waves. Ill start to think about something about him and the tears start. I probably think of him 100s of times a day. He will never be forgotten in our lives. He is with us in spirit and in our hearts forever. I miss you terribly baby bear. Mommie loves you and thanks you for all the butterflies you send to us.
His headstone will be up hopefully this week or next.
Have a great holiday Fri HAPPY CANADA DAY!!!
We have a busy weekend planned. Going to the dog show...to see what bear should be able to learn... and to the Coburg festival, and berry picking.
Have a great week and thanks for continueing to support and check in on us. We love you all lots.
Love yah
Angela
Monday, June 20, 2005 1:15 PM
Well gee... again I have forgotten to update. Im still not too sure about the new website I created. Itll take a bit more until Im ready to use it. On the other hand..... I have some neat news!!!
First How was everyones Fathers Day. I hope it was a nice relaxing one. Poor Alyssa. She really really wanted to see her dad yesterday. Thankfully after several phone calls he made it and didnt break her heart. He took her out for a few hours. After she left me, mom and my dad went up to the cemetary for decoration day for Fathers Day. They had a free bbq and drinks and let you write a letter to heaven and you put them inside the balloon and then we let them go at 2:00. We brought up Jacob a few more flowers. Pappas famous Blue Roses look great out there. Above is a few photos of the day.
And did you see the cute pics of the puppy? That is Alyssas new 8 week old Mini Australian Sheppard. First his name was Boots, then River, now its Bear. So Tomorrow it might be something else but as of yet...its still Bear. He wont get too big between 14-18" tall and about 20-30 pounds. He is such a cutie. He is already trying to herd the kids together by nipping their heals and chasing them. He is learning pretty fast about using the outside facilities instead of my kitchen floor!!! He runs after the kids and when they stop he runs into them and bounces off them. I think its a great thing for Alyssa to have her own puppy and is helping her so much. We both love him to death already. And moms lab Buddy likes him too!!! He loves the car rides and all the kids. I sure hope he is a great addition to our family. I think its going to help us both out in our grieving process. He was in a puppy shop window and we himed and hawed over him for hours. Holding him and putting him back. Drove home then went back to get him. He was born April 24th. So almost 2 months old.
I cant believe it has been 4 months since Jacob went to heaven. In some ways it feels like an eternity and in some ways it feels like last week. I miss you terribly Baby Bear and think of you all day every day. Sissy sent you a special note. I made sure I wrote it exactly how she wanted it to be because she couldnt be there yesterday.
Hugs and kisses and prayers to everyone.
Angela, Alyssa, Angel Baby Bear, and now little Bear
Wednesday, June 15, 2005 10:50 PM
Hey everyone...
Just wanted to share a really cool fundraiser that is going around our SMA community right now. Please feel free to copy this email and send it along to as many people as you can or want to. This is such a great idea! We all have $1 dollar to spare. Well sometimes we dont. But I loved this idea and sent in $10 in honor of Henry James, Jacob, Abbie Pennington, Bretton Macleod, Cole Daniel Webb, Lindsay Anne Ronningen, Jacob Issac Rappoport, Marshal Potter, Nathan Barnett, Jamie Olivia Haapalainen. If you have a $1 to spare please try to send it out in honor of Henry Hamman.
So far they have raised $2,701 in honor of their son. Here is the email you can copy it and send it out if you would like to....
“For One Angel."
That Angel would be my son, Henry James Hamman, who passed away 4 years ago. He would have been 5 years old today. In honor of his memory, I’m going to try something crazy…..or naďve….or just really stupid, but I’m going to try it anyway. What I am going to try requires action from each recipient of this email. It also requires the reader to set-aside/put-away these things: Cynicism, Apathy, Circumspection…..the “cloud of doubt” that would move your hand to the mouse that would direct the arrow to the X that would delete this email (Hopefully, you haven’t already done that already!......but if your still reading, obviously you haven’t and I thank you for that). IF we’re all able to do THAT, then I think we’re half way there to being able to do something special and unique. The action required is this:
1. Find $1….please make sure it’s your own dollar. ;)
2. Write “Angel Henry” somewhere on that dollar (you can add other Angels of your choice if you so desire).
3. Put it in an envelope
4. Address it to: Families of Spinal Muscular Atrophy, P. O. Box 196, Libertyville, IL 60048-0196
5. Put a stamp on the envelope (very important step).
6. Mail it (also important).
7. Forward this email on.
Where’s your dollar going? The Families of Spinal Muscular Atrophy is an organization looking for a cure to the disease (Spinal Muscular Atrophy) along with supporting families affected by this genetic disorder. I won’t bore you with the details of the disease other than to tell you it’s like “a child’s form of Lou Gehrig’s disease or Amyotrophic lateral sclerosis (ALS)”. Here’s a link if you’d like to read more (http://www.fsma.org). It’s the disease that took my son’s life at the age of 8 and ˝ months.
As the author of this email, here are some questions that I have for myself (and that you may be asking too): Do I really think this will work? Isn’t it more than likely that most everyone will read one sentence of this email and delete it? If I received an email like this, would I send a $1? Are people going to think that I’m an idiot for trying something like this? Has this been tried before? What if someone changes the address of where to send the $1 and scams some of the money (I can be just as cynical and paranoid as the next person. If you want, you can double check the address on the Families of SMA web site)?
I guess I really don’t know the answers to those questions and if I tried, I could think of a million more as to WHY I shouldn’t even bother with this email. But that would be giving in to the very things I’ve asked you to set- side/put-away (Cynicism, Apathy, Circumspection…..), so I won’t. Instead, I’ll think that it’s possible to get enough participants to make a difference.
Here is what I put the odds of participation at (along with a little commentary). And please, just $1 per person:
1. 50 people/$50 – 1:1 odds…..my wife (Lisa) and I have a fairly large immediate & extended family and they’ll do this…..at least to humor me.
2. 250 people/$250 – 2:1 odds….we’ve got some pretty cool friends.
3. 500 people/$500 – 3:1 odds…..now we’re stretching the ‘friendship limit’.
4. 1000 people/$1000 – 10:1 odds….. just not sure this will really work and it will have to get through the “3rd or 4th level of cynicism”.
5. 10,000 people/$10,000 – 100:1 odds…..long odds….but that’s a great return on investment.
6. 100,000 people/$100,000 – 1000:1 odds……I’d be amazed.
7. 1,000,000 people/$1,000,000 - ………….same odds: Million to one.
Thank you very much for your time.
David Hamman”
Thanks to all those who will help this family out in their fundraising efforts.
Angela
Tuesday, June 7, 2005 9:40 PM
Thank you all so much for all your emails about the move and also with the help finding a website...
First... Im not even sure Im moving now!!@@##***** Can you believe that??? I cant! After all that frustration and anger and grief of facing all that. Also preparing to move and everything I got a phone call that they are holding rent reviews on the 24th and not to pack...get this... YET~
Yup I have to wait till the 24th to see after they review everyone here what will be happening. I guess alot of people need to be moved around so we will see what happens. There is nothing more frustrating then being told your moving then being told to just wait and see. Lemme tell yah that they better not tell me on the 25th to get packing... OHHHH ill be just a tad upset at that one. So I heard it from the head honcho to just wait and see. Ill keep you informed as I hear more. Believe me this sucks lingering on the verge of moving and just the not knowing. Oh well... things will work themselves out. I have learned that much. When the going gets rough...it gets rougher but then just when you think that you literally can not handle anymore and your about to lose it.... somehow things just sorta fall into place. Me and my family have had their fair share of ups and downs, but we are a family and we have each other. The rough times just seem to make us stronger.
I had supper at moms on Sunday and me and Alyssa spent the whole day there. I couldnt believe it when it was 8 pm and we had to leave. The day just flew by, talking and just enjoying each others company. It felt good to sit and relax around the pool, watch Alyssa and her new friend play and run back and forth across the street swimming in each others pools! A new family moved across the road from my moms house and there is another 8 year old little girl and she just waits for me and Alyssa to show up there so they can play together. We were talking about how when my parents bought that house when I was 8 and moved there. Weird to see my 8 year old swimming and doing all the things that I used to do. It was nice. Very nice. I know I say it all the time... but its never enough. I have the best, most supportive parents and family around. I love you guys so much. Thanks for being you.
Alyssas dance recital (all four shows) went great. Actually she didnt want to do the Sat afternoon show, but she did do Thurs, Fri and Sat night ones. Mom bought her a very nice beautiful bouquet of red and white roses. They are beautiful and we are very proud of her. I bought tickets to the second nights show for me and Alyssa to watch all the other dances. Lets just say after 4 hours of watching everyone dance I was ready for bed ;) It was a long show but she loves to watch them dance and has been busy making up new dances for me to watch. LOL She just loves music and dance. My little dancer!!!
I have made a new website. Im just finishing up stuff on it. You cant do too much on it but at least there is a place that I can now journal and keep you all updated with us and Ill be able to keep this one dedicated to my special little angel. Ill give you the link to it once Im ready to get it up and running. Now this is after creating about 10 websites at different sites and then cancelling them after finding out they want money now or later... So After looking all over I found one and Ill give the link out soon, promise.
Things are going ok here... Not great by any means but ok. We are healthy and living and getting by, so thats all I can ask. With a great family and each other and our health Im happy with that. Im busy looking for a full time job, and its not going so well> I have an appointment on Thurs with a job/career councellor. Im hoping that they will help find something. Just something to get me by till I figure out what it is in this life Im supossed to be doing. We had a pretty stressful week though. Im glad that its over and this week is looking better. Fri we found out some news that really really sucked and we were more disappointed in these people then anything else. Were over it and wont let them get the best of us. Its not us that have to look back in life with regrets now is it. How has your weather been... Its HOT HOT HOT here. With the humidity we are facing 40 celicus for the next few days. Thats almost unbearable to go outside in here. If it werent for the humidity then it would be better.
Alyssas school board is on that stupid work to rule thing. So all her class trips were cancelled. She is disappointed about that but there is nothing we can do about it. They might not even get their report cards. Its as close to a stike that the teachers get to without having one. Just dumb if you ask me.
I think thats about it for now. If you can enjoy the nice weather. If this is any sign of what summer has to hold I better dig out my air conditioner out and get it up and running asap. We already cant sleep upstairs for the heat! But Im not complaining. I would rather the heat then the cold.
Talk to you all soon.
Hugs
Angela
Wednesday, June 1, 2005 10:00 AM
Sorry for not updating for so long. I just kinda feel weird updating about us on here so much. I would rather keep this as my letters to Jacob, or Jacob memories or something instead. Im searching for a place where I can either create a free website that can have photos and stuff and I can update about me and Alyssa there and just keep this for Jacob, or at least one that is not too much money. If you have any ideas or suggestions just email me, and thanks.
We have had an ok few weeks. Our long weekend was two weeks ago and we didnt do much. I havent been in the best of moods lately. I was informed by my landlord that Im 'overhoused' now. Yup overhoused. Meaning that I only have 1 child instead of 2. So I have to move July 1st. For those of you who send us mail....I love you all and Alyssa thanks you all for it... please send it to #27 after the 1st of July. Ill be changing it at the post office in case there is some people that mail us stuff and dont know our addy changed.
But really, that was like a kick to the gut for me. It just feels like Im being forced to face my grief sooner then Im ready to. I have to pack up all Jacobs things, crib, medical stuff, his room... so on and put it all in boxes and stuff them in my closets in the new apt. I am SOOOOOOOO not ready to do this but I have had several heated conversations with them about this and there is nothing I can do. I just have to do it. I HATE moving... let alone go through all Jacobs stuff and put it all away. It just doesnt seem fair or right. Who cares who lives here... Im paying the rent and no matter who lives here the rent wont change??? Oh well. I just have to face it, do it and get it done. So this month will be really busy for me and Alyssa.
Alyssa is doing well in soccer and her dance is just finishing up. She had her dress rehearsal last night. After they practised on stage we went to leave and it was pouring rain out. And we parked about 2 blocks away. No coats or anything. So we had to wait about another hour, watching the other dances and when it calmed down a bit we ran to the car. Her performances are Thurs and Fri night, and Sat afternoon and Sat evening. 4 shows. Tonight is the only night we dont have anything going on so Im looking forward to not doing much tonight.
Man I just keep thinking about the move. I think Ive cried more these last few weeks then my whole life. Someone will say something about the move and ill start tearing up and just bawl... Ugh I hate that. I dont know how Im gonna do it.. It just feels like Im being forced to put all his stuff away like he was never here. Its only been 3 months. Man it sucks so bad. Everyone says itll get better... but when? I just dont see an end to this craziness for awhile anyway. I dont want to leave it all to the last minute either. They said the carpet is all being put in on the 23 or the 26th? I forget but when its in Ill start moving things over then. I think Ill try to take his crib apart this week sometime when I get the urge to so that its done and over with. If I leave it it might be too hard and then Ill just freeze up and not be able to do anything. You know when you have so much to do that you just sorta stop and dont do anything... Thats kinda how I am right now. Dont know where to start or what to do first or anything.
Anyway If I dont update for a bit...there is just not much to write about or Ill just be pretty busy. Ill let you know if I find out anywhere to do a website that I can keep you all updated about us and keep Jacobs website about Jacob.
Hugs and prayers
Angela
Friday, May 20, 2005 10:10 AM
Well we were really kinda dreading yesterday. I had to go out to the cemetary to finalize Jacobs headstone. I really was still lost as to what stone to get, what graphics to put on it, what poem or what sayings...I just couldnt find anything that suited him or would honor him!!!
Well...........TA DA!@!!! Look up above. We found the PERFECT stone for him. A little baby bear! How absolutely perfect is that??? He will have the only bear stone up there. Its just what we wanted. Where it says Dusty in the middle. Will have a ceremic circle that will hold his picture in it. Saying "baby bear" underneath it. Then at the bottom under his name and dates will say "our angel on loan" !!!!!~~~~~~~~~~
Isnt that just the most perfect precious stone ever. Im so happy about it. I just know it is the right one as soon as I saw it. Ill send a photo in about 6-8 weeks once its finished and up at the grave.
Lots of hugs and love
Angela
Sunday, May 15, 2005 11:45 PM
Hey everyone!
Well its been a pretty uneventful weekend for us. Which is a good thing. I cant believe Jacobs webpage has hit over 200,000 hits. Thats unbelievable. Thank you, all of you who continue to come and visit my angel and see how we are all doing. Bless all of you. You have helped me more then I could ever thank you.
I went up to Jacobs grave site a few days ago to put up a light for him. Its a solar light. One of these days I want to go up there at night and see if it actually works. I hope so.
Jacob has been giving me little signs here and there. At least I think its signs. Im taking it as a sign anyway. Alyssa had a birthday party for her cousin to go to on Sat and when I went to pick her up with Shannon mom and my Aunt and cousins were all outside letting the kids run around and there out pops a little bunny. The kids were all chasing it and trying to catch it. I guess a family of them live near my aunts house and sees them quite often. We all instantly said "Jacob" lol it was kind of neat. It was a bit of a hard day. My cousin has a little boy and we were watching him just be a little boy and run around and doing all the things I never got to see Jacob do and will never see him do. So I think Jacob was trying to say its ok mommie. Im running now and ok and having the time of my life. Oh how I wish I could see him. I imagine it but to actually see it... wow. Then today I was outside watching Alyssa ride around on her new bike and out of nowhere a yellow butterfly would have landed on my head had I not ducked. Again I felt it was Jacob trying to play games with me.
I look at all his photos on his photo site almost everyday. I try to remember his little coos and oos and giggles and stuff. The brain is a funny thing. As I was looking at them all I swore I could smell fresh strawberries. So as I was taking it all in, as quick as I could smell it the smell was gone. So I turned around (off the computer) behind me is his crib and a few of his things still in the same place they have always been and I see his little baggie with his pappy hat in it. I have only opened it about 3 times to smell it. Smell that STRONG scent of strawberries that it has on it. Jacobs beautiful perfect strawberry smell. I fear opening it. The fear that one of these days that smell is going to vanish and it will break my heart. Not knowing if the smell was still there or not, I so badly needed that smell I had just smelt back. So I went over and opened it. Can you believe that I honestly think that it smells stronger then ever??? Maybe the baggie will never lose that smell??? I will not know until the next time I open it. Then the next. I will always have that fear that one of these days it wont be there. But today... it was. What a beautiful smell. I hope whenever you eat or smell strawberry you think of my sweet angel in heaven. I know I always will.
Well I should probably check out a few more kids and then head to bed.
As some of you know a sweet little angel Skylar was trached on Fri. Just wanted to let you know that she is doing so well. I guess she is talking away and doing amazing. Thanks to her wonderful mommie Tracy. Stop by and let them know you were thinking of them and say a prayer for a quick recovery for such a special little girl and her mommie!!!
Visit her site here
Thanks and hope you all had a great weekend. Hugs and prayers to those who need them.
Angela
Wednesday, May 11, 2005 9:50 PM
I know I know I think this is a record for me. My 3rd update in one day... So many emotions right now....
Ok First and foremost. Thank you all for the kind words. Your all amazing and I feel so close to so many of you that I dont even know personally. Stacy thank you for the phone call. It means so much to me that your all there for me and my family especially my little angel in heaven. The emails, and guestbook signing have really helped me out alot. Thank you so much from the bottom of my heart.
We were expecting some news today that we were praying would finally bring us some good news after all we have been through. Unfortuntely we hit a road block and it just felt like everything we try to do or try to accomplish we hit a big stop sign. Mom, and me were extreamly upset over the news, nothing we can do about it but go on. Keep on trucking. Thats all we can do. I was so mad and upset today all we could do was cry. My moms and my eyes are worn out. My bags have baggage!!! Mom and dad came up after I got alyssa from school and we talked about everything. Finally had a good family talk. It felt good to let everything all out. I think we all needed this and it helped some. We just have some hurdles to jump over and Im hopign my angel will give me the strength to overcome yet another struggle. Sorry for venting about religion. I know I shouldnt do that but sometimes I do question why this happens to us. Why bad things seem to over shadow all the good. Jacob was an angel and I dont want to ever lose that feeling of strength I felt just being near him. He was so special and strong and such a fighter. I love and miss him more than I could ever say. I love you baby. After I showed mom the quilt man did we ever have a good bawl. Me and mom couldnt read the poem on the picture that Carol sent to me. Poor dad had to try to figure out what we were trying to read to him. Between me and mom we finally got through it and read it to him. Carol we just love it. Thank you so much. (Oh for those of you that are new to thte site...my dad lost his eye sight about ummmm 5 years ago) Yup our family has its struggles eh.
Well after I sent Alyssa to bed I went upstairs and heard her up and ruffling papers. I went into her room and was about to get upset and ask why she is still up and she says to me.. "I wrote a poem" I said you did... lemme read it. Nope she wanted to read it to me... here it is...
LITTLE ONE
Oh little one, dont you cry
Your guardian angel is in the sky
You'll always be in my heart
and whoever they are they will always love you
Your my special precious little one
Oh little one dont you cry
Your guardian angel is in the sky
Written by Alyssa Trick May 11th 2005
Isnt that amazing... I have a little poet on my hands! Im so proud of her. She said she wrote it for me about Jacob because she knew I was upset about stuff today. And thought it was over him. So she wanted to brighten my day. Man oh man... I love her so much. She is so strong and amazing. What a sweetheart. I love her and she just smiles and goes on everyday and helps me out when Im feeling down. Will cuddle with me on the couch and just lay with me. She is one special little sole...
She also wrote this to baby bear...
Baby bear why did you leave me and mommy
she really misses you alot
but everyone will cry and even you will
and we want you to come back down
we know you cant but we really want you to
baby bear I love you
Doesnt that just melt your heart. I had such a bad day and then Alyssa goes and does this... She is so special, another gift to be able to be her mother. I just watch her growing up to be such a good girl and Im so proud of her. Man I cant be any more emotional today if I tried. Time to go rest these red swollen eyes..
Thank you all so much for your prayers and kind uplifting words. We will get through this.. like we always do.
Love you
Angela
Wednesday, May 11, 2005 12:50 PM
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3:00 PM
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Ok, Ive had enough.... WHY CANT OUR PRAYERS BE ANSWERED. NONE OF THEM ARE. Havent we all endured enough. Just bad news after bad news. Doesnt matter how much I pray. Why cant we just get one break?????? Why does every single thing I touch have to become difficult or fall apart? I really have had enough. NO MORE. I just dont know what we are going to do now. Every little detail doesnt matter now. Cant do any of it. Im pissed off angry upset and screaming at the world to give me a friggin break....soon...now. Dammit.
I pray and I pray and every prayer has been left unanswered? Why am I praying... because Im trying to believe in something where I believe my angel is an dthat someday Ill see him again. That someday all this will end. So far... everything I have prayed for hasnt happened. I must be living in some fantasy world where you believe in something hard enough and maybe someday something will fall into place. Jacob hunny I need your strength right now baby... Love you
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Sorry for taking so long to do an update...just not much to say these days. Its just been a real crappy few weeks to say the least.
Good news first. I recieved Jacobs Coles Quilt yesterday and OMG it is the most beautiful thing I have ever laid my eyes on in my life. It is so beautiful. Linda and her stitchers have outdone themselves. All because of one special angel in heaven Cole Webb Because of him and his amazing and inspiring mother Kristin we have a beautiful momentim of Jacob to cherish forever. I absolutely love it and have shed many tears over how amazing and beautiful it is. I will take some pics and show you them later when I have time. Also Carol has been at it again. I received a package from Keepsakes and it is Jacob last pic taken of him on the couch. With a beautiful poem on it and its is framed. I love it Carol and will cherish it forever. It is so beautiful and you have outdone yourself. Thank you so much....from the bottom of my heart. Your a true and loving friend I cherish deeply.
We have had a horrible week. Brought fresh tulips from moms garden up to Jacobs site and her moms also. Then just had crappy day being mothers day and my Birthday. We tried ot have a bbq and sat outside and all but it just sucked. I miss Jacob so much. This week we have been waiting for some important news we have been waiting for for months...and today we get our answer. From the message we got Im assuming that our worst fears have come true. I just dont know how we will make it through this wall if its the news we think it is. I wont get into detail about it right now...too upsetting but if you could say a few prayers that in about an hour the news we are getting is the news we need to hear....not our worst fears. Please I just dont know what we will do.... I really dont need or cant handle any more bad news right now.
Thanks so much
Angela
Wednesday, May 4, 2005 9:50 AM
Boy oh boy, I spent all day and night yesterday getting all Jacobs news clips from Chex TV. He was on our local news station '16' times! Wow its hard to believe that he was on there that many times. My special angel, our little celebrity! So if you would like to watch them vist his Chex news clips page here Unfortunately I have to upload them from the VCR and for some reason they all turned out black and white??? Still cant figure out why? But they still look great too. I dont even remember doing the last one. Letting everyone know that Jacob had earned his angel wings and had flown home to heaven. It was all a blur. You just get through everything you have to do and just do it. I dont remember much about those first few weeks. I have watched it a few times and still dont know how I did the interview???
Alyssa had a better day yesterday. Thanks for all the support for her. She sure is a special little lady and trooper. Marcia we just got the braclett that Alexis made for her. She is wearing it today. She says thank you.
Hugs and prayers. Our little buddy Ryan with SMA type 2 could really use some prayers right now. Hes pretty sick.
Thanks
Angela, Alyssa and ^i^ Jacob
Tuesday, May 3, 2005 9:41 AM
Well yesterday wasnt too good of a day.
I went to the school to help with the little girl, but she wasnt there. The forgot to call me and let me know that she wasnt going to be there. So I went to Alyssas room as it was just lunch starting and took her out for lunch instead. Alyssa was happy about that. Alyssa has two BD parties to go to this week. One tomorrow night and one on Sat afternoon. Busy girl. She still has dance Sat mornings and now this Sat soccer starts. Boy oh boy we are going to have a busy Sat. 9-10 dance then I have to fly to the other side of town and get her to soccer practice that starts at 10. I told her coach that we will be late. Then the BD party in the afternoon. Whew!!! Also tonight is her church group, the one she joined instead of going to the grief group. I so wish so would go back to that. They called me yesterday and said that on the surface Alyssa seems ok, but once they started the one on one the tears started to flow. So they really hope that in Sept she goes back. I do too. She talks a little about what she is feeling with the loss of Jacob but not too much.
Well last night after she went to bed she came back down about an hour later and had big crocodile tears :( She said she misses Jacob and was really upset. So I layed down with her and we talked about it. She says that she really misses playing with him. I told her it was ok to cry and that its good to talk and cry about it. That it helps her. Then she went on to say that it isnt fair that she doesnt have anyone to play with on the weekends??? I asked her what she meant. She says that she doesnt get to play with her sister and brother (through her dad) because he doesnt take her, and that she has noone to play with. I told her that she has her friends and me and nana. But she wants a 'real' brother or sister. I told her that it doesnt happen that way. Man I hate to see her so upset. Its hard for her to understand. Believe me if I could have another child right now I would. I have so much love to give another child, but love isnt enough, right. I dont have a house, a carreer, nothing is stable in my life right now. Poor Alyssa. She is such a sweetheart and is holding so much inside. Im happy that she is talking to me about things. But I think she holds it inside until she kind of bursts. Which is not a good thing. I try to talk to her about stuff but she usually says that she doesnt want to talk about Jacob. I dont want to force her, and cant make her. Ugh its not fair to her or myself. If I could change things.......
Anyway I didnt think she would go to school today because she would be too tired but up she got and off she went. Im proud of her for trying to be so strong. Shes had a rough couple of years.
Those who havent checked them out yet I have about 6 videos of Jacob up on his Angels site. Check them out here
Up above near the top of this webpage there is a memorial page that Chris and Angel Icedream created for Jacob. It has a beautiful poem that they wrote for Jacob. Please check it out.
Hugs and Ill talk to you all later.
Saturday, April 30, 2005 10:30 PM
I know I know I already did a journal today...but I have some VERY VERY VERY yes VERY VERY exciting news!!!!!
Ready!
Go here~~~ Click here so see Jacob on video!!!!!! WHOO HOO!!!
Can you believe it? I bought some software....installed it and recorded and uploaded and made a new webpage tonight! Im so excited to put videos of Jacob up for you to watch.
The first two clips are when Jacob is almost 9 months old and it shows his personality perfectaly. His laugh, smile, twinkling eyes. You just gotta see it and youll be begging for more!!! It takes quite awhile to get it all set up. But this was the first tape I grabbed and Im sure youll enjoy. I cant make them very long cause as you watch them they get all frozen and skip and stuff. You just have to play it a second time to get it to play properly. It loads slower then it plays. So either just keep pulling the bar back or play it again after it loads. You will see what I mean. This is a good one Hes laughing and everything in it!
Enjoy and keep going back for more! And Ill be able to get all our news clips on there too.
Jacob hunny love you angel. Im so happy to be able to show you off to all these wonderful people who have followed you for so long and waited so patiently to meet you. Finally look out. Baby bear in video! I should sell these ;)
Hugs and prayers
Angela
Saturday, April 30, 2005 11:20 AM
Im baaccckkkkkK!!!!! FINALLY!!!
Man that took a long time 8 days without a computer and too much time on my hands ;)
No I didnt get much of anything done actually. I have been a little busy and have had some good days and some really difficult days.
Starting off.... most of the weekend went ok. Pretty boring actually. But Friday Alyssas school called me and wanted to know if I was doing anything at lunch time during Alyssas lunch at school. Apparently a position opened up and they wanted me to help out at lunch looking after a handicapped girl! I have seen her around the school several times, a very beautiful little girl and happy and full of love. Its a bit of hard work as being disabled she needs help with everything and needs one on one attention and help. So I help finish up her lunch that wash up and we either go outside after or its nap time. She has severe seizures and lots of them several times even throughout the lunch hour. I love her to death!!! This just happened to fall into my lap at the perfect time. I needed something to do and am totally not ready for full days yet so this to me is a little gift from Jacob making sure mommie gets doing something and its productive. I love it and cant wait to learn more sign language and be able to communicate better with her. So thats a good thing.
Ok my computer...I lost most everything. Yup every program I had on here and everything but my documents folder (stuff that wasnt infected) in that folder were all my pics and they were able to retrieve that. But I lost everything else. EVERYTHING. Heres how my HORRIBLE day Tuesday went. I got up, got alyssa up and ready for school, took her to school then went down to the machanics to take my car into the shop AGAIN... got them to drive me to moms so I could use her car for the day. Hurried back home had a shower and got ready to go to school and stay with the girl during lunch. Then rushed down to the Bereaved Families place. Only to cry my eyes out talking to another lady about Jacob only to be told that there are no programs avaiilable until you are at least 6 months down the road in the greiving process. So I left frustrated. Get a call about the computer. "Hey can you bring in all your cds for the comp???" Why??? Well you have over 5000 spyware running and it crippled your comp and internet. And 100s of viruses. So I looked around thinking I had everything I needed. Needless to say I had to run around to other comp stores figuring out who best to fix it and get the programs and crap!!! Anyway I left it with them praying I could get some stuff back. So then I had to go to the paper and drop off the classified ad for our van to sell. Still no phone calls about it??? Not looking good. Then had to just cry and cry and cry. I am totally not ready for a full day yet. That was the first busy day I had and just couldnt handle it. Im so not ready for full time anything! SO Tuesday sucked~
Alyssa quit her grief group becaue on the same night at the church next to us has a fun night and all the kids are going to it. I explained that it was important for her to go and that it was only another 4 weeks and she was commitied to it. But she didnt want to go and I cant really make her. Maybe there is another reason why she doesnt want to go. But I guess its up to her and she made the decision not to...oh well maybe the next one she will go to???
I havent been doing much really. Trying to decide when to go back to school and talking to the university and stuff. The RN program is REALLY demanding and I really dont want to be a drop out and/or flunk and I honestly dont think Ill be able to handle the pressure and all it entails in Sept. So I was thinking of doing the RPN for now and brideover when Im ready to. Not really sure though. Sept seems so far away but so close also. Ill figure it out eventually I hope.
I am missing my little angel like crazy. I just found out his Coles Quilt is finally finished and its on its way to us!!! Whoo hohooooooooo!!! Im so excited and cant thank all the wonderful stitchers and hard work that they put into this. And of course to Kristin and Cole our little inspiration. We love you all soooo much.
I have horrible news too. Our neighbors daughter was diagnosed with a brain tumor. She started to go crosseyed and then finally got a CT scan and I guess where it is it is unoperatable. So they are trying a treatment of some sort to try to help her live another year. They said that she probably wont live another year... So sad. I offered to make them up a website so Im waiting to hear back about that and if so Ill give you all the link as soon as its done.
Hope your week and weather was better then ours. Its been windy, wet and rainy all week and now all weekend too... Sucks.
Sending hugs and prayers to all the sick ones. Ill be around as soon as I can to visit everyone.
Oh the memorial page that Chris made for Jacob is finished and Ill link it up top when its done and on here. THanks so much ladies!
I also looked into getting the VOX program.....you know what that means! I will be able to upload Jacob videos to the net!!!!! Im not sure when Ill be getting it but I was hoping soon. Maybe that will be my little treat to myself for my BD as this one will suck so bad...Im not looking forward to this mothers day...first without my son and it happens to also be my BD on that day too. So thats gonna suck real bad.
Anyway later girls and thank so much for continuing to come and check on me and ALyssa...
Angela
Thursday, April 21, 2005 10:20 AM
Boo HOOOOOOOO
Ill be offline for a few days. I have to take my other child (comp) into the ER!!! Im about ready to throw it out the window. Ugh, I cant upload any pics to Jacob photo website, frontpage isnt accepting anything, I cant hardly ever email...have to send about 100 times, hotmail and gmail are being crazy. My comps really ssslllooowwww and keeps saying 'oops' what the heck is that. Believe me I wasnt saying opps!!!
Im sure if any of you are like me with their comps you know how frustrating it is. I have to get it all cleaned up and running again.
So if anyone needs me just give me a call. If anything happens with any of the kiddos that I should know or anything please gimme a call and let me know.
Thanks and hugs!
I know my house is needing lots of TLC (to say the least) So maybe this is a good thing. If the comps not here I cant spend ALL day on it right!!!
So until I get it back...have a great rest of the week and weekend!
Hugs
Ange
Wednesday, April 20, 2005 6:00 PM
HAPPY 20 MONTH BIRTHDAY MY SWEET ANGEL BOY!!!
I cant believe that Jacob would have been 20 months. Almost 2 years old. Wow. I can imagine the changes that would have taken place these last 2 months. You were growing so big and getting soo sooo soooo long baby. But forever youll be my little 18 month old angel in my eyes. I will never see you grow up or see the changes that you would have had. So I have nothing else in my mind but my little baby bear. Forever 18 months. Your birthdays will come and go and the years will pass on but you will still always be my little angel. My little baby bear. Glorious and flying, running and playing free of the claws of SMA. Thats wonderful enough to help mommie smile.
I like going back into my journals and reading what happened around the days that it is today you know. Well Jacob was having so many tube issues and stomach and bowel trouble this time last year. We didnt have money for the cough assist yet and hadnt started the AA diet yet. Its hard to read knowing what was to come and looking back (because I know what happened) I just want to tell myself do this or that because this is going to happen. Thats hard not to do. Im lucky because I have almost every detail journaled. When Jacob was a few months old I journaled about the pregnancy, how he stopped moving in the 3rd trimester and that was a sign for SMA (I know this now) and the birth and the first few doc appointments and physio and stuff I all have journaled before I started this one. Who knows maybe someday Ill contact a publicist or whoever you contact and see about putting it all into a book or something and donating part of the proceeds to SMA support or FSMA. That would take a LONG time though. Hey...lol I have nothing but time at the moment! I just might call a few people in the AM and see whats all involved. I know of one other mother who did this also. Helen Baldwin, she wrote the Jeffery Journey. I purchased that book when Jacob was littler. What a great book and so different because we chose different paths with our children and neither was right or wrong, but everything she went through and felt was like reading my own journal. Its a great book. If anyone wants info how to get it just let me know. She has 100s of names of angels that have passed on and also kids with it still in the back of the book. A beautiful tribute to her amazing and strong little boy.
Ok enough for now I guess. Things are going ok. ALyssa is doing well> She had another grief group last night. This time she didnt mention anything about it though? Not sure why? Cant wait for the 6 weeks to pass so I finally know what they think shes at and how they feel she is really doing. I hope she is doing as well as she portrays herself to me to be.
Have a great rest of the week. The nice weather is over...rain and cooler temps all week for us. It was beautiful all weekend and the first of the week here for us though.
Love and prayers
Angela
Tuesday, April 19, 2005 8:00 AM
Such a sad sad day in our SMA community yesterday. Two beautiful little angels gained their wings. Its so hard to hear and listen to.
Kaydence will be two in June. She passed yesterday am. Such a shock to everyone. She had vibrant red hair and bright blue eyes. I just sent Jacobs wheelchair Easy S stroller to her. Its still in transit. Kaydences mom just had a baby a few weeks ago too. I know it will be a very hard few weeks and days ahead for them. Love you girls and praying and thinking of you during these next days.
We lit our candle for our two new angels.
And Larissa also earned her wings yesterday also. I believe she was under 1. I didnt know her or her family but that doesnt make it any easier. Prayers being said for their family as well.
Heaven gained two more angels. Its just so sad and not right.
Such a sad sad day.
Sunday, April 17, 2005 10:15 PM
Jacob, its been 8 weeks since you left my arms. I hope you know how much I love you. You are my little baby bear. My little angel. My heart aches for you just as much as the minute, seconds that you gained your wings. I cant believe how much time flies. How fast the days, weeks and now months pass on. Some days are ok. Livable, but some days are just so hard for me. You know that. You see that. I know you want mommie to be happy and hate to see us sad. But I know you understand why we are so sad sometimes. I love you so much. I miss you so much. Everything about you I miss. I want to hear your little voice again. That little laugh you had. Me and Shannon did alot today. We went out to water the flowers at your site. And I got to see the ones she brought up there. And the little baby blue bear she brought up in seliphane. Just cute. We went out for lunch it was such a nice day. Stopped in at moms while Alyssa was at her friends BD party. Then came home and watched some of your videos. Looking for one that I had lost. And then we got to hear your beautiful angelic voice again. Oh I could just have pinched you and kissed you and squeezed you right through the tv. I wish I could. I wish I could turn back time. I would if I could you know.
Your told that your child probably would not live two years. I never believed them. At least I didnt want to. I thought you would make it through anything. I wish I could turn back time and spend those moments getting groceries or sleeping spending it with you instead. Those little moments all add up. But I cant and I know that. I just miss you more then I could ever write here hunny.
I was reading my old journal from one year ago. On the 14th of last April I fell out of the car with you in my arms at Wallmart. I remember that day like it was yesterday. My elbow does too. I thought you were going to get hurt and tried so hard to turn in the air as I was falling to protect your head. Man that was a scary time. But you hardly even blinked. You just knew that I would be there to hold you and keep you safe. I wish I could still do that for you. But on the other hand...just 4 days later on the 18th you were so sick. I was wracking my brain trying to figure out what was hurting you. You were so sick. I remember those days too just like yesterday. So again on the other hand, I dont have to worry anymore about you being sick. About trying to figure out how to help you. So many times I felt so alone and thought. "Who the heck am I to try to figure out what is wrong with my sick baby. My baby that might die. How do I know what he needs. I dont have to worry about you anymore, being sick or hurting or anything. Your free of SMA your free to play and run and jump. I just cant imagine waiting another 40-50 or so years until I can hold you in my arms again. It seems so far away and too long to wait.
Hunny I miss you and love you so much.
Forever and ever and ever my angel boy. My baby bear. My baby Jacob. I love you!
If this page is slow to load its just Chris and Icedream recreating this page for Jacob again. They are going to make it different. Not sure what its going to be or look like. But they did such an amazing job with this one Im excited to see what they have decided to do with it again. They are so creative. I love them both so much for doing this for us. THanks so much girls. Love you both!
Angela
Thursday, April 14, 2005 10:30AM
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UPDATE UPDATE UPDATE UPDATE
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Sorry I guess I should have given a little more info!!! You know me!
The checks should be made out to SMA Support and send the checks to...
MJ Purk
10 Lee Lane
Rye Brook, NY 10573-1918
Im happy to see that some of you are interested in these CDs! Thanks so much for all your support guys. Not only to use each and everyday but also for trying to help out the children battling this disease each and everyday. If it were not for SMA support Jacob would not have been blessed to have reached 18 months. For that I will forever be eternally gratefull to Laura and SMA support.
Thanks again.!!!
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Ok everyone I have a wonderful way for you to get involved in helping raise money for SMA Support.
Im sure some of you know of MJ Purk MJ is battling and living with SMA Type 1. SHe is an amazing young woman. An inspiration to so many people, and our hero. We love her dearly. SHe is a very hard worker and determined at everything she does. She was just inducted into the National Honours Society. Very very brilliant girl! YEAH YEAH YEAH MJ!!!! Way to go!!!
She has done several fundraisers for SMA support in the past years. This one I think all of you that have followed several of SMA children would love. Here is the info....
The Faces of SMA CD!
MJ Purk, with the help of Kimberley Jurens, Allen Hunnie Audio Inc., and Polar Bear Productions Ltd.®, is creating a PowerPoint©® Presentation of “The Faces of SMA”. “The Faces of SMA” will hopefully consist literally of SMA faces. Angels on Earth, Angels in Heaven, NIV users, trach users, and palliative care users; all are welcome.
Now for the fundraising aspect of this project. MJ will be taking pre-orders for the presentation. For pre-orders, we need an official count by mid June so that the company can finish and ship by mid July. This means that MJ needs your order as soon as possible. You are, of course, allowed to order as many as you want. The CD will be $5.00 at the Gathering (but extra donations are always welcome) and $10.00 if you want it shipped to help cover the shipping costs.
SMA Support hopes that you and your family with consider participating. If you have any questions, comments, or concerns please e-mail MJ Purk. TWEETYROLL88@aol.com
Doesnt that sound exciting!!!!!!!!
So I am going to be ordering a few CDs for my family and friends. The first CD ordered is $10 American, $5 for the CD and $5 for shipping, all other CDs will be only $5 dollars. If shipping is more I will cover the cost. So if you are interested in getting a CD let me know. You can either go through MJ or me.
If you can please try to order a CD. Its not expensive and you get to see all the angels here on earth or here in heaven that are participating.
Thanks so much for everything. Have a great day!!!
Angela
Wednesday, April 13, 2005 12:15 PM
Ok they are done... man that took a long time. Here is the photos! I hope that this link works. I havent used this before. But didnt want to use Jacobs page for us, you know. So try this... Hope that worked...
Yesterday...what a day. Mom came up early in the afternoon and we decided to go through a few of Jacobs things. Not in the livingroom of course, just the BAGS of clothes we had for him. There was bags and bags literally of clothes that that child had. He did not lack for clothes. SO ALL the ones that he wore I kept. And the ones he never did we are taking to recycled kids, the ones still with tags our cousins are getting. I have tons that Im keeping.. Not sure why I wanted to many of them but just felt that we needed them. Mom kept some too that she wanted and were special to her. That was tough. We made a dent and a small patch in his room that you can see now. Not much but took us a few hours. So step by step right.
I made supper for us then got ready for our 'grief groups'. Lets say it didnt happen. Alyssa loves hers. She cant wait to go again. We dont get to talk with them about what happened or what they said till after the 6 weeks as they want the kids to trust them with whatever they talk about or say or do. So they say no news is good news. But you know my girl. She talked and talked about what they did and I just let her tell me whatever she wanted to I didnt ask anything or what happened. She just shares everything with me so I was happy with what she told me. There were about 6-7 kids I think. None of them lost a brother or sister. One a dad, or their grandparents, but none the less a loss thats great to them. SO she enjoyed it. Our group.... not a parents grief group that I thought it was. Just a few of us stayed to see if the kids liked it or not and we were there if they wanted to leave and go home. But we did talk a bit and mostly I bawled about Jacob. They were interested and actually their mothers that passed away a few months ago all followed Jacobs story with their children or grandchildren. So they all knew about him. But they told me about another group that is for parents. Thats what I thougth this was about. So next week we just drop the kids off and pick them up an hour and a half later. So I will look into the group that is right for my situation. Ill keep you posted how that goes.
Carol man was I tired last night. I dont know how you got up for work. Glad you did though.
So yesterday was just an overall hard day.
I think I should tell you that I decided that it was best for me to just be by myself right now. I need time for me and to get myself and my family together. Scott was great about it and we would appreciate it if no comments were made about it on Jacobs site. I just dont want this to be about me and not Jacob you know. So if you want to talk just email me/us whatever. Its just whats best right now. Thanks so much for understanding.
Hugs to you all and hope you all enjoy the photos. Let me know k. Also Ill be adding albums to that one too. The flowers and stuff from the funeral and balloon release and stuff. When Im ready for that.
Angela
Monday, April 11, 2005 10:30 AM
Hello everyone! Sorry so long for the update...
Ok this may be long and all over the place so bare with me!
Trip to Mexico:
WOW it was great...sorta!
Flights- they were ok. I knew Alyssa would have trouble with her ear. The landing made her scream and cry. I ffelt so bad for her, but after we got there she was ok. The Mexican airport as soon as we got off the plane was neat. Your right outside, not like our airports all inside. Instantly we were sweating and hot. It was exciting.
Hotel- We got there after about 2 hours, getting luggage and the 1 hour drive to the resort. It was just beautiful. Great food, the service was always amazing. The workers worked so hard and were very friendly. Room was great we were ground floor and right infront of the pools in building 3 central to everything. It would take you a day to walk the whole resort. HUGE! No complaints about anything. Iguanas were everywhere. Mom hated them. The whole resort is open, we birds would fly over your head while eating the buffets and everything. The pools were HUGE and you couldnt swim the whole thing if you tried. The beach...OMG it was beautiful. The resort is famous for its beaches. You could walk them for hours one side to the other. I think we chose the best one on the Mayan.
We went into town a few times. ALyssa got her hair braided. We took the bus once, lol that was neat with all the Mexicans looking at us. You just walked out to the road and waited in a hut and it was WAY cheaper then a taxi. Us adventurous girls managed ok.
Alyssa and I went on the jet skis and on the catamarans, that was fun. Alyssa got burnt the first day and is peeling everywhere now. So is mom. We got really dark and tanned. Im the only one not peeling.
It was a good time and at the same time it was a sad time with some tears. Overall it was a great trip. A much needed time away.
Coming home was really really hard. After we dropped mom off I was really worried about coming home into the house. Reality set in hard. I think it was harder now then I thought it would be. Had a really rough couple of nights lately since we got home. Been crying and wanting Jacob back more and more. I miss him soooooooooo much. I just smelled everything and hugged his mattress that he layed on all the time and had a good cry. I just miss him so much.
We are starting a grief group Tues night. Alyssa in the kids one and at the same time the adults one is on. So we will see how that goes.
Got lots of pictures, so Illscan some and put them up. Carol I have the pics of us I was trying to send them to you but for some reason hotmail and gmail will not let me attach anything????? Its on my end so I may need to send my comp in to get fixed and may be without one for a few days.
I went to Jacobs grave the day we got home and got him some flowers and a banner because it was just dirt there. We cant get the headstone until his insurance comes in and pay off the rest of the funeral. I wanted something up there to say that that was Jacobs spot. So this time of year only fresh flowers can go up. It was cold and we got frost last night so they are probably a mess. Thats stupid the silk ones have to come down before the frost and cold nights are over. Oh well. I miss him so much. I wrote his name in the sand on the beach and took a good pic of it. Ill send that one too.
Been really busy since we have been home. Trying to get caught up on everything. Lots of laundry to do. And lots of running around to do. Going to look into going back to school in the fall. Im sure that will take some time getting everything ready. I hope Im ready for it and dont screw it all up by going back too soon. But the sooner I go back the sooner I can get me and Alyssa out of this hell hole and start a normal life. Get a house and stuff like that. She asked me last night if we will live here forever or if we will ever get our own house. I hope and pray I can give her everything she deserves.
I dont know what it is? I try to think of ways that I could get Jacob back and I know that nothing i pray for or think of will ever do it but those of you who lost a child know what Im talking about. I just cant believe Im one of those moms now. That have to face everyday and get up and know that no matter what I do my son is never coming back. I dont dream of him. Other moms I talk to say the same thing. That they dont dream except for the odd time. I wonder why that is? I would love to have dreams of him in heaven. I have to try to get over his death and focus more on the happy times in his life and how much he loved life. In time that will happen. Just its still so fresh that all I can focus on is that he is gone and stuff you know.
Jacob hunny, I hope you know how much I miss you and love you baby. Try to send mommie a sign and tell me your ok. I hope your having fun in heaven and running and playing.
Oh it was neat, we didnt see any butterflies the whole time we were there until the second last day. Two black ones were flying all around us where ever we went. They would land on the beach next to us and follow us where ever we went. To the pool they followed us. The next day it was yellow ones. Neat eh!
Yesterday there was a bird stuck in our eavesdrough. I had to leave and go to moms and stuff so after supper when we got back the super was home so alyssa went and got him. He got the ladder out and took it all apart and took all the stuff out and then the bird flew right out and into the sky and away. It was one of the most beautiful things I have ever seen for some reason? Not surewhy but I just looked up and smiled to the sky. Just something small that makes you smile! It was nice
Ok my fingers are sore and not sure what else to write right now, but when I scan some pics ill try to get them up later today.
Have a great day,
Hugs
Angela
Friday, April 8, 2005 8:45 PM
Hello everyone!!!
We are home. Safe and sound. Tired and red and tired! Got it at 5:30 AM
Ill update later or tomorrow. Im have comp troubles. Cant email or anything again. Could earlier today...now freezes? Gmail must be changing things. Anyway I have some photos that Ill upload to a site for you all to enjoy! And I have some photos of the flowers I put up with Jacob today. Also there was a nickle and a crayon write by the teddy up there. Erin.... was that your sweetheart again? lol I thought it was sooo cute. I have to put up fresh flowers up there now...no more winter wreathes aloud. So its going to -1 or -2 tonight so it might not look good in the next few days. But there is a banner 'baby jacob' on it and it makes it look better then just dirt.
Thanks for all the wonderful wishes and posts. Talk to you tomorrow. Love and hugs to you all and of course prayers to all the sick ones.
Angela
Thursday, March, 31 2005 12:15 AM
Well just a little goodbye to you all.
Hope you all have a great week. I know we will be trying our hardest to enjoy our get away. THanks so much for continuing visiting us. Hugs and prayers to those in need.
I went to visit Jacob. I havent been able to go there for awhile. Its just so gloomy there. Just dirt as the snow is just melting. And the dirt was sinking into the ground. They assured me that they are putting more on there today so I wont know till I come back. But it was all sunk in. I see someone has left Jacob more cars to play with. Thank you whoever placed them there. Carols teddy is in desperate need of a wash that I will do as soon as I get back. But I must admit. I dont feel at all any better going there. I like to think of Jacob here with me at home rather then there. And the process that is going on under the dirt just makes me feel horrible. At home I see his pics and smell his things and stuff. Much nicer then up there. It might be better once grass is layed and his headstone is finished and placed one the ground freezing is thawed.
When leaving the cemetary that song Tiny Dancer came on the radio. It never ever gets played. Well instantly I thought of Angel Mia. And that Jacob must be knowing that I listened to it almost everyday in the van (had a cd player) and that Id think of her and then him. That they are playing in heaven being the little angels that they always were. It made me feel better leaving the cemetary thats for sure. Had the biggest smile on my face.
Hugs and prayers to you all. Love you lots,
Angela, Alyssa and ^i^ Jacob
Monday, March 28, 2005 5:30PM
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Well bad news. Some of you followed Katelyns journey. She was a sweet adorable little girl that I grew to love. We came in contact with her and her loving mom Deb in Sick Kids in Toronto. Her little angel Katelyn Passed away this morning. I know your loss Deb. Im here for you in you need someone to vent to.
Easter... It sucked. I hope your Easter was better then ours was. I still am not sleeping well so I have been taking Atavan to help me sleep. I finally went to the docs and got a script for it. Sat night I ended up falling asleep and forgot to put out her stuff. She doesnt believe in the great bunny anymore anyway. But I managed to wake up before her and put it out on the couch for her. She was happy with the things she got. The whole time Im thinking damit I should be celebrating it and with 2 children. I finally had that breakdown so many of you have been wanting me to have. We went to church and after the kids were dismissed for kid church me and mom just started to wail. We must have looked like idiots because for the whole service we were crying our eyes out. We were both puffy and red when it was over. Not sure if it was because of it being where his service was or not? But man it was so hard to be there. I thought it would help in some way. Ease the pain to finally go back or something. BUt it didnt it made everything worse.
Then we went back to moms for a bbq as it was finally warmer out and no snow. It was good. Me and mom did all the cooking and we just had steaks. It was pretty good.
Came home and me and Alyssa just cuddled on the couch and watched tv. But I finally had my meltdown not sure if that was a good thing or not because Im even more depressed now. Oh well you have to get through it eh.
If any of you live in Peterborough make sure you get the paper tomorrow as they did another article in it about Jacob. Mostly how we are coping and stuff. They just love him so much and have done a great job reflecting his journey. I think he has been in the paper over 20 times now. There is a big thank you to everyone we needed to thank in it too. Well thats it. We are getting ready for our trip we leave Thurs at 5:15. Be back on the 8th early in the am. All packed up except for the last minute stuff.
Love you all
Thanks for being there still for us.
Angela
Wednesday, March 23, 2005 3:45 AM
Its 3:45 in the morning. And I still cant sleep. Its getting harder and harder to sleep these days. I keep going over and over the night Jacob became an angel in my head. I just keep thinking about what happened and what else I should have done or what I shouldnt have done. Everyone says its natural to have guilt after death. I just cant sleep and keep thinking about everything and cant come to peace with it.
Jacob hunny please help mommie come to peace with your passing. I know your in a better place now but its so hard for mommie right now. Its getting harder not any easier. I wish so bad for things to be different.
Love you lots baby.
Miss you with all my heart.
Kisses from here to heaven
Mommie
Sunday, March 20, 2005 12:15 PM
Hey everyone! Thanks so much for all the emails and all the guestbook signings. I guess everyone that has links got the same email. To me thats just stupid. How can we all support each other if we cant spread the word 'with' the parents permission and educate people??? Anyway I hope you all bookmark the sites that you frequent. I will be taking all them off tomorrow sometime to give you a day or two to get them if you need them.
Later Ill be adding them to his photo site.
Jacob hunny, mommie misses you so much. I cant really believe that it has been a month now since you left my arms. Four weeks. I never thought Id see the day when I would be thinking it has been a month since my angel died. I hope your doing ok. I hope you are visiting me in my dreams. As you know mommie has trouble and always has, remembering my dreams. Thats the only thing I can think of is that in my sleep you are coming and telling me that your ok. How else could I get up everyday and continue everything. You were with me for 18 months. Those were the best 18 months of my life. You fought so hard to make it to 18 months. Thank you so much for being able to be that strong for mommie and everyone else. And of course always with a smile on your face.
Your such a good boy. But I would do anything to have you back in my arms again. To hold you, smell you, touch you just one more time.
Sending kisses up to heaven baby bear
LOve you always and forever
Mommie
Friday, March 18, 2005 8:15 AM
CAN YOU BELIEVE THIS??? I AM SOOO MAD
I have this caringbridge site first to have kept people updated with Jacob. Now its to keep people updated with what we will be doing to raise money for Jacobs disease and updates on us. Through this website I have met TONS of wonderful people with other sick children. Some with SMA some without. Well most of their parents have emailed me or wrote in my guestbook asking me to put thier childs link onto Jacobs site. So I have a list of friends on his site that isnt no bigger then many other sites I visit.
CARINGBRIDGE emailed me yesterday morning and told me that I "have until March 24th to take them off my site or they will do it for me or lock my site".... can you believe this. I know many of you go to other CB sites and I know almost all of them have links to other sites. Could you email those people and see if they have also received the same news. If not Im making a big stink about this. All I have to do is copy and past them on Jacobs photo site but Id rather not if I dont have to. Im just a little peeved about this issue. Im emailing CB replying to the letter I got and hoping that something will be done about this. Why should I be singled out. Other people have either more then me or also have links. We all ask each other and tell everyone that we are doing it. Unless there is one specific person that has emailed CB And told them that I have their child linked to my site. If thats so why not email me. Most if not all of my links are there because their parents asked me to put it there.
Ugh anyway that was my frustration yesterday
Thanks for your help
Angela, Alyssa, and angel Jacob ^i^
Wednesday, March 16, 2005 10:30 PM
Thank you all so much for all the wonderful mail we are still getting daily. Also a special thankyou to Stacy Hayward for sending and collecting the mail for us from Freinds of Allie/Canada. There was so many wonderful letters and even a locket that is just beautiful from Leslie Charron that has an engraved bear on the front and on the back Jacobs name and his birth and death date. So beautiful I have to get a gold necklace now and a small small pic to put into it to. Thank you so much and tell you daughter also from the bottom of my heart her letter to Alyssa just couldnt have been more special. She wants to spend the money in Mexico. Tell her thank you so much.
I have gotten many peoms and books that people have either found useful or helpful or just that they wanted me to have. In a package I got from Kristi (love you girl) she has sent us many many packages over this last year. But the one she sent after Jacob passes also had a few books in it. The one she sent to Alyssa I havent been able to read yet as it contained Jacobs name and was about angels and animals and stuff. Well I read it to Alyssa tonight and was in awe of how perfect this book is for us. It could not be a better book. So perfect Im going to spend the next hour typing it out for all of you to read with me. Now I know why Ive seen that bunny a few times. I truly cant believe how amazing this book is. It was written for Jacob and my family to read. I want to write the auther and thank her for writing such an amazing book.
Its called All Gods Creatures Go To Heaven, by: N.A. Noel
In Heaven, children angels spend their days frolicking in ever blossoming gardens filled with brightly colored flowers. They play among sweet scented fruit trees on soft-wind-swept grassy pathways.
In Heaven, children angels sometimes nap in the warmth of the sunlight and other times dance barefoot and spread their wings to enjoy the tickle of an occasional shower. There are no thunderstorms in Heaven, just gentle rains that are always followed by Rainbows.
Jacob is a little boy who lives in Heaven with lots of other children angels from all over the world. In Heaven he was reuinted with his Grandmother and Grandfather. Thought only six years old he could remember his Grandmothers gentle touch and the fun he and his Grandfather had playing in his big backyard on Earth. In Heaven there is no pain or sorrow. Jacob does not feel sad that his parents are not with him; instead he rejoices that one day they will all be together again forever and ever.
Weeks passed and Jacob began to notice that his angel friends were caring for all kinds of different creatures. Some children had dogs while others had cats or bunnies or goats.
One shy, sweet, little angel, Micheal had a gentle, fuzzy llama named Minnie.
Jacob wanted a pet to care for too. On Earth he had a white puppy he called Gracie and a mouse by the name of Morsel. Morsel's favorite pastime was sitting in the palm of Jacob's hand while nibbling a piece of cheese. Gracie and Jacob would play in the park for hours and then come home to rest in the shade of Jacob's favorite tree.
One afternoon Jacob asked Angelica, a wise child angel, where the creatures in Heaven came from. Jacob admired Angelica's beautiful white dove. Angelica was delighted by Jacob's inquiry and decided he was ready to learn about his special purpose in Heaven.
"You see Jacob," whispered Angelica, "children have an important and wonderful purpose here. These extraordinary creatures that are being cared for by the children of Heaven all once had a life on Earth, just like you."
"You mean like my puppy Gracie on Earth?"
"Yes, Jacob, just like Gracie."
"Here we entrust the children angels with the care of these loyal animals. This is because little children and all of these loving pets have very similar souls. Children and their pets have a lot in common."
"I dont understand" said Jacob with a shrug, "I don't remember being anything like my puppy Gracie."
"Well you certainly didn't have a furry coat or a wagging tail," chuckled Angelica, "but your hearts were in the same place. Children and animals are both innocent; they need our gentle care, respect and love. Children and animals are two of God's greatest gifts to the world; their love is honest and true. Animals are a blessing Jacob, just like you."
"But why do the other children have animal companions and I do not?"
"Well, you were new here Jacob. Caring for an animal is a big responsibility; I felt you should take some time to get to know your new surroundings before your first assignment."
"Assignment? What assignment?"
"Your special purpose, Jacob - and the special purpose of all little children in Heaven is being trusted with the care of a pet. Some angels are assigned to ponies while others care for kittens, birds, or even lambs!
We know that children can give animals loving attention until they are reunited with their human companions. At that time, you will receive a new animal to love. You are going to have many beautiful and enchanting animal friends here in Heaven Jacob!"
"Oh Angelica, I cant wait any longer for my assignment... may I have one soon?" Jacob's wings fluttered with anticipation.
"As a matter of fact, a friend arrived for you today, a heavenly friend whose name is Snowflake!"
In an instant there was a burst of stardust and suddenly a big fluffy bunny rabbit appeared in Jacob's arms. Jacob embraced his new friend with all the love his heart could give. He quickly gave Snowflake a kiss on the head. Jacob felt warm and happy; there were no words to express his joy. He turned toward the gardens, excited to share the arrival of his new friend with the other angels.
Just before Jacob flew away he turned back toward Angelica...
"Angelica?" He said softly, "This means that not just people go to Heaven?"
"Yes Jacob, it means all God's creatures go to Heaven."
"Even Gracie?" Jacob asked with a smile.
"Yes Jacob, someday even Gracie."
The End
Isnt that just the most perfect book ever written. It was like it was written for us. Jacob, the bunny, Angelica... just too many similarities. I dont know but even the white dove, Kristi let 17 ballons go to Jacob and also a white dove. I just love this book. If you could see the pictures in it also. It has beautiful angelic drawn pictures. Jacob looks perfect. Porcelin perfect skin, disheveled hair and beautiful wings. Just like he would look in another few years.
Thank you so much for this book for Alyssa Kristi. Where oh where did you ever find it. I know you dont have comp access for another week or two but I have to know this book is amazing. Also the book you sent to me. Just beautiful.
Ill write that one out for you all too another day.
Kristi sent alyssa a belated birthday package today. I mean it Kristi. Alyssa was floored with everything you have sent her. She loves you so much and I cant thank you enough for thinking so much of my family. Thanks hun.
Have a good night everyone. I know Ill be dreaming of this book and rereading it over and over again. WOW eh... couldnt be a more perfect book.
Sunday, March 13, 2005 9:30 PM
Jacob, Jacob, Jacob...
Baby mommie misses you sooo much hunny. Its been '3' weeks??? I cant even believe it. It feels like forever. 3 weeks of numbness. 3 weeks of pain. 3 weeks that I dont even really remember. Its really just a blur hunny. I would do anything to have you back in my arms, but I know that I cant. I just honestly cant believe this is happening. I cant believe that your not with us anymore. I had you in my belly for 9 wonderful months. Got to spend another wonderful 18 months with you in my arms each and everyday. Shannon reminded me that everything happened on the 19th. I went into labor with you on the 19th and had you at 12:37 am on the 20th. You should have been born on the 19th but the nurses were holding you in until the doc got there remember. You lost your swallow on the 19th of Feb last year. Most children get real sick like you did while losing their swallow but you fought off your pneumonia so well and came through your surgery so awsome. The little fighter that you are. And then you left and went to Gods arms on the 19th. Just a little weird thing we noticed.
This week has not been that good for mommie. But you know that. Im keeping the tears in most days to be strong for your sister. She has the same spirit as you. Only worried about me she is. She is worried that I may do something to myself. Can you believe that. If I learned anything from you Jacob is that you have to be strong especially for those you love and care for. Can you believe an 8 year old is only worried about her mother. SHe is such a special little girl and sister to you. Please take care of her and watch over her for me. I hate thinking that she thinks something so terrible of me. I talk to her and tell her that I love her and that Ill always be here for her. Thats why she is never leaving me. She is off school this week for march break so this is a good time for us to be together.
Didnt do much at all this week baby. Its hard for mommie right now. I go for drives to get out of the house somedays. Go and visit nana. But most days just lay on the couch remembering you. Watching your videos. Looking through your pics. It feels like just yesterday you were in my arms and I was kissing you and playing with you. Please visit mommie. I need to know you are ok. Some days are harder then other days. But I just cant believe that its been 3 weeks. I pray and pray to turn back time and go back, but the time keeps ticking and the days go on. Soon enough it will be a month, two six months. I cant believe it. I just want you back. I miss you more than anything I have ever felt before in my life. You cant even describe what I feel. Only mothers of angels know the pain and saddness that comes over you. The numbness. Im trying to be strong for everyone and your sister especially. I just cant go through your stuff still. I dont know why? Like when I do that everything will be sorta put away or whatever. I just cant do that yet. I dont even really look at your things I just walk by, knowing that they are there, in the same room with me. I cant even sleep in my bed yet. The couch is the only familiar place for me. Soon Ill start to sleep upstairs. Most nights Im sleeping with sissy.
We booked our trip, on the 31st we are going to Mexico, the Mayan Riveria, for a week. Just mom, Alyssa and I. IT will be nice to see Alyssa smile for a week straight. Just give her such a nice time, something she sooo deserves. I wish everyone could come with us, but we just cant afford it. So at least we will be going and spending some much needed time together.
Thanks for keeping up with us.
Lots of love,
Angela
Monday, March 7, 2005 12:15 Am
I just saw my little friend again tonight. That little bunny has got to be cold. Wonder why its hanging around here? If thats another sign from you baby I seen it. THank you.
Mommie misses you so much honey. I love you and wish you were here in my arms.
Had a bit of a crappy night tonight. Found out the resort we were planning on going to was overbooked and we cant go. Guess it wasnt in the stars for us to go there. Looks like if we were to go anywhere it would be into April and by then hopefully Ill have a job and nana too. And Alyssa had her heart on going too. Oh well. Tomorrow or the next day we will see if there is anything left. I just was kinda looking forward to getting away from everything and letting alyssa have the time of her life. Its been so hard on her this past year and a half.
I know your stroller is going to Kaydence. Another little type 1 girl that needs one. She is going to have so much fun this summer in it. Just have to figure out how to ship a 75-80 pound wheelchair stroller thats all. It means so much to me that people were able to help us and now we can help others. Your neb machine went out to Jerika, with your left over steroids and stuff. The only stuff left to donate are your cough assist and give your pulse ox back to Laura. Not sure where your feeding pump goes? Might be ours or the hospitals. If so then it will be donated too.
Love you and miss you baby bear.
Sending kisses from here to heaven.
Mom
Sunday, March 6, 2005 11:30 PM
Jacob baby, I just came in from having a cigarette and getting a sign from you finally. At least Im taking it as a sign.
I walked outside to have a smoke. I opened the door and got scared by what I thought was a cat running away from the door when I opened it. It stopped right at the next doorway. But it was a rabbit? My neighbor told me that she had seen a rabbit the night Jacob died outside in the snow. I have never in my life (I dont think) seen a rabbit in the city or near houses or apartments. But I seen this rabbit. It stopped and just looked at me for about a minute. Then ran off to the end of the building and around the garbage bins. I just felt like it was a sign. You letting me know your ok. Ill take that as my sign finally. I know your trying to tell me your ok. I want to beleive that your happy and healthy finally and playing. Thank you hunny if that was you trying to tell me this. It felt like something...
Anyway Thank you all for coming to check on us all still. As long as people still come and the hits still go up Ill keep letting you all know whats up with us.
I dont even know how to explain in words how...not good...not happy, but just how much this weekend meant to me. Carol came from NJ to visit us. I really honestly didnt know what to expect. I didnt even know what you were going to look like Carol. Your beauty was always on though your words. But seeing you in person, talking to you NON STOP all weekend I got to know YOU the real Carol. And I love you so much. I cant tell you or thank you enough for coming. We picked her up at the airport Fri afternoon. Shannon took Alyssa to school for us. Just sitting and waiting to see even just what you looked like was actually really exciting. Then I saw the pink purse, and sweater. I knew instantly that was you. It just seemed so right that you were here when you finally arrived. Your beautiful, funny, happy, the most honest loving person Ive met I think in a real long time.
We talked the whole way home. We pass the cemetary on the way so we stopped there so Carol could see his grave. Carol gave Jacob a teddy to play with there. It was sad, happy and peaceful and heartrenching all at the same time. Had a good cry. Then off to my little pad.
The weekend flew too quick. It meant so much to me. You helped me more then you know. We went through all his albums of pictures. Looked at all his things. You got to smell his pappy hat and see that its just like hes right there. The smell of strawberries is all over his stuff. Forever and ever the smell of strawberries will not be just a sweet smell. But the smell of an angel now. We watched some of his videos. I didnt know when, how or if I could ever watch those. I loved it. I needed it. Thank you for helping me do the things I needed to do and know that first time is over. All the firsts of everything is hard to do. And you helped me do it. you helped me get through some things. I may not be a sappy sour woman. I sometimes feel like I should also be the one crying all the time. But I am inside. I just havent been able to do it physically outside yet. That will come with time everyone says. Its not like Im trying not to. Its just the way it is happening to me. Im trying to figure out how to live without Jacob and who I am now. Everything is different. Maybe it still hasnt even hit me yet. Its only been 2 weeks and it feels like forever since I have held my angel in my arms.
Carol thank you so much for spending the weekend with me. Going out to dinner with Shannon, alyssa, and my parents was good too. It was good to laugh, cry, and feel some feelings that I have been sorta keeping inside. For helping that wall come down a bit. I love you and our talks will forever mean so much to me. I feel like I know you so well. I know so much about you. I hope I told you enough about me for you to know me too.
I loved watching Jacobs videos. It brings his pictures to life doesnt it. They didnt do him justice, but at least yougot to see them. I wish you could have met Jacob. He was/in and angel, the most beautiful little boy ever.
I love you so much, a new friend for life!
I am putting a poem up above. Sara emailed it to me and its like I wrote it myself.
Stay safe everyone and love, hug and kiss your children for me. Tell them they are special and innocent. Let them be kids or babies. Love and cherish your time with them. You never know when it will end, when it will come crashing down on you. A peice of you taken away just like that in a blink of an eye. Like getting slapped in the face so hard. Just love your kids...
Angela
Go ahead and mention my child
The one that died, You know
Don't worry about hurting me further
The depth of my pain doesn't show.
Don't worry about making me cry
I'm already crying inside
Help me to heal by releasing
The tears that I try to hide.
I'm hurt when you just keep silent
Pretending it doesn't exist
I'd rather you'd mention my child
Knowing that he has been missed.
You asked me how I'm doing.
I say "Pretty good" or "fine"
But healing is something on-going
I feel it will take a lifetime.
By Elizabeth Dent
Monday, February 28, 2005 11:38 PM CST
Baby bear... I love and miss you so much.
Thank you sooo much for keeping a close eye on mommie and Aunt Shannon today. We headed into Toronto to get your sisters Birth Certificate.. I know, Im horrible with paper work. You kept us safe in a horrible snow storm we almost stayed the night in a horrible motel on the side of the road, but I knew you were with us keepign us safe. Thank you baby.
I come home and got alyssa to bed after we talked about her day. Then I do the same thing i have been doing everyday now. I smell your pappy hat. Oh my does it ever smell like you, I hold your teddy, I lay under your blankie, then I put my head in your indent on the couch. Everything smells like you. I know the smells will fade, I know the heartache will eventually subside but my love for you will never ever diminish. I will hold you close to my heart forever. The pain is so close to being unbearable baby. Please help mommie get through this. Iknow your in a better place you lucky guy you. But I want you back so bad. Thats just mommie wanting to protect you still. How can I now, I know the Lord will and your safe in heaven but I cant see you or feel that your safe and warm. Please baby let me know your ok...
Mommie
Sunday, February 27, 2005 11:12 AM CST
I miss you baby. Hope your having fun. Please visit me. I know you have many people. Your probably trying and I just cant see it or feel it yet. Keep trying baby I know you can do it.
I MISS YOU.
You know Id do anything to be with you right now hunny but I cant I have to be strong for your sister. Someday baby someday we will be together again. What a glorious site that will be.
Mommie
Saturday, February 26, 2005 11:49 AM CST
Oh Jacob. I miss you so much. I never ever ever in a million years thought it would be this hard. Nana stayed over night last night to spend time with us and I crashed out with your sister when I layed down with her.
I wish oh I wish soooo hard that I could just have you back for a bit. Just for a little while. I wish I could hold you again. I dont know if I can do this anymore. I really dont. I cant tell you how much it hurts mommie that you arnt here anymore. It the most unimagineable greif ever. I knew my time with you was limited. But I really thought that you would make it through anything. You did time and time again. Please Lord just help me get through this. I dont know what to do, I cant cry for fear of it not stopping. I need to be strong for everyone else, so when do I get my time to greive you. How do you get though this. I just dont know what to do anymore. Each day it gets harder and harder. Not any easier. I cant even look at your stuff. I want to go through it but I cant. I went through all your stuff in the kitchen today with Nana. Just mostly donating all your food and stuff, down to the care center. It was so hard. I cant imagine how hard its going to be to go through your clothes and toys. Take down your crib. PLease Jacob if there is a way, come back to me. Just one more time. I need you. You were my strength and courage, and now Ive lost it. I dont have the strength and courage I used to.
How do you do this.... I just dont know
Mommie
Friday, February 25, 2005 4:35 PM CST
I see that they have restored the guestbook up until the 20th. I was really worried. I can live with losing the entries from the 20th to the 24th. It just really sucks. There was sooo many poems and sayings and stuff I wanted to treasure forever. Please if you can...could you resend me the poems and stuff that you have send to me/ I will copy them to word and put them onto a cd. I have already done that...shannon did that for me with the journals.
Ugh what a thing to deal with on top of everything else.
Today alyssa went to school. Good day.
I took all the balloons that Exomotion, BL, Jamie and the gang there sent me. There was about 10 or so balloons and we sent them to heaven from alyssa. All the kids in our complex signed them. We took them to the cemetary and let them go. They were all in a bundle and since there were all together we got to watch them for about a good 5 or so minutes and see them fly up to heaven. We got to watch them until we couldnt see them anymore.
Thanks everyone.
Ange
Friday, February 25, 2005 11:06 AM CST
I cant even begin to tell you how upset I am over jacobs guestbook
I have emailed caring bridge to tell them to fix it NOW last night. I pray that I can get the 1000s of posts back
I dont know what to even tell you how ill feel or do if they cant
God dont do this to me too.
That was my source of strength time and time again
Thursday, February 24, 2005 10:20 PM
For those of you who wanted to be there but couldnt...Here is my speech that I said at his funeral. It doesnt do him justice but its all I could put together. It is below at the bottom...
The funeral was beautiful. He looked like such a little man in his suit. More beautiful then I could have ever imagined. He had teddies, his cars, the book Guess how much I love you, that carol sent us, a dinasaur, two DVDs, a bracelet alyssa made him, an ornament from alyssa, pictures of alyssa and him, me and him and our family and him, his little doggie guy he loved to hold.
I held it together through all of it. Until I had to close the casket. That was hard. THen I got back together for the services. SO many wonderful thoughts and prayers for him.
At the cemetary so many people came to sign the balloons. What a beautiful site, 199 balloons going up to heaven for all the angels to play with. IT was 199 because as I was cutting them free I popped one. I was in tears when I seen the vault that his casket went into. I thought it was just cement. It was golden. With a plaque on it. Beautiful. I put it in a vault because he is double depth as I will be going on top of him sometime in the future when I get to finally meet him again in heaven. The tombstone wont be ready for a few months yet. I cant wait to see it.
It was sooo cold at the cemetary but everyone came and stayed. After at the rock haven it was nice to sit and talk with everyone. Then we went to moms to eat and talk. Was a late night. I crashed but woke up early today. Im tired and will be napping later after I go back to the church to pick everything up and then I want to go back to the cemetary. I need to see it again.
We videotapped everything. I watched it again with Scott this am. I dont even remember it. Im glad we tapped it as it was beautiful. The rev. did a great job. Such a wonderful tribute to my angel.
Flowers, balloons, teddybears. I dreaded this day since the day he was diagnosed. But it went better then I thought it was going to go. It was just perfect. He died peacefully, the days following were peaceful. I got to hold him several times. I have something to talk about about thenight he died. We are all going to call the hospital staff or whoever we have to because I found out Jacob was left at the hospital all night alone. They rushed us out of there and I could have stayed with him all night long. They 'forgot' to call the funeral home. He sat well his body was in a stretcher at the hospital all night alone. I wanted to even bring him home or jsut stay with him for a long time but was told that the funeral home had to be called and when I called them sun am...they never even got the call. I did that. IT was the second time I guess that week. unbeleiable. But later is the time to deal with this.
Rest in peace baby bear. Ill be with you again some day. And thank you for the sign. I kept asking for you to give me one. Everyone got to experience the power of it. The doorbell rang and no one was there at either door at my moms. Everyone was shocked and was like OMG wow.... thank you Jacob.
Love you forever and ever and always.
I know your in a better place. I know your ok. I know you love me.... I miss you so much though. How do I get through each day. Everyone says Im strong. Im just numb. I have no feelings. I cant feel anything. No emotion whatsoever. I should be crying more. I should be greiving. Im just at peace. Not ready to even look at your things now. I just hold your little bear that you held each and every day. I smell your blankets.
Ugh I cant write anymore.
Here is the speech.
Ange
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
I have been writing and rewriting this for days now.
Nothing is fitting for Baby Bear, Baby Jacob, my angel.
I didn’t know if I could stand here today. After seeing all of you here and hearing all of your thoughts and prayers, I feel I have to stay strong and honor my son.
Jacob Daniel Procter-Trick… Many of you never had the opportunity to meet him, see that smile that could light up a room, melt your heart. His eyes, I knew from the second he was born, as soon as I saw his eyes, as they penetrated into mine, I knew he was special. I never knew how special he was going to be though. He had the power to touch 1000s of people all over the world just from a picture or though my words. His impact is unimaginable.
Jacob lived for 18 months. They were the most exhilarating, entertaining, educational, loving, months of my life. I was honored to be chosen by our precious Lord to watch over one of his angels. That saying “angel on loan” what meaning that has to me now. I never knew how much it would.
You always want to see your child grow up, go to school, scrap his knees, ride a bike, have their own children. On Jan 9 of last year I was told Jacob was going to die. That the clenching claws of Spinal Muscular Atrophy would take his life before he could do any of that, before his time. I would have no control over if my child would live or die. I could let Jacob die, or fight for his life. Fight for him to have quality to his life. I chose to let Jacob decide his future. He led the way for all of his journeys. He showed me the way each and everyday. He was a fierce fighter, and always with a smile.
Jacob brought so much into my life, my family’s lives, my friend’s lives, and thousands of others lives all over the world. He taught me how to live, how to slow down, take each day as it was and live life minute by minute to the fullest. He taught me not to take things for granted. From being Jacobs’s mother I became a better listener, a better person, a better mother, friend, nurse, and daughter. I learned about compassion, love, understanding. He taught me to pick my battles. Chose them and educate myself.
Jacob loved sooo much. He loved his movies, he loved rides in the van, looking out the window, he loved laying in a swing, looking up through the leaves at the sun piercing through them. He loved his sister. He loved his books. He loved his baths. He never cried, not unless I was infront of his movies of course, or blocked the television. He truly lived a happy, loving, content, peaceful, life. He never complained about not doing this or that. He was fascinated by all that we did for him. He watched each and everything you did so vividly. His eyes said it all. They twinkled and talked for him. Jacob just loved life, loved ever single thing you did for him. He didn’t know anything other then love. What a lucky guy.
My son was a remarkable individual. Such a personality he had. I will miss him so much, what mother wouldn’t. No mother should have to bear a child only to find out that it will succumb to a horrible disease well before his time. I hate SMA…
I remember the way he cooed, the way he laughed, the way he only gave me kisses on the way to the bathtub and that was usually the only time he did. The way he crossed his eyes at my mom every time he saw her. Knowing that she hated it. Knowing he would get a reaction every time. The way he gave us dirty looks, oh he was such a little monkey. The smell of his hands, his breath, his giggle, all these memories I get to cherish. His eyes spoke a thousand words. He could tell you each and every emotion just from his beautiful blue eyes. The biggest smile I ever got from him was every time I picked him up and sat him on my lap. He just loved to be near me, have me hold him, massage him, talk to him, read to him. Heck, didn’t even matter what you were reading to him. Shannon read him gossip magazines several times and he enjoyed it thoughrouly.
Spinal Muscular Atrophy weakened my sons body, but didn’t diminish his spirit. Nothing got him down. We never cried infront of him. We chose to love and to laugh. As much as it hurts me to miss my son, I only have to close my eyes to see him, smell him, remember him. I can look up to the sky and wonder what my little baby bear is getting into in heaven. If hes being a little trouble maker, I wonder if he is because he sure had some devious looks on his face at times. He beat the odds time and time again. Baffled the medical community each and everyday. He was a true fighter right down to the last letter of the word. He is and was and will always be my hero and my inspiration. He is my strength and my determination. I would have taken his place in an instant. I would have given him every muscle in my body if it was possible. I spent each and every waking moment with my son. And I wouldn’t change a thing.
Simply put…SMA sucks. Our children are heros and fighters and special little angels. Here to teach us about life, love and especially how to live.
SMA has to be made more aware. I hope that Jacobs journey has opened some peoples eyes and brought more awareness and soon someday soon a cure will be found. This has to stop, innocent children have to be saved. There has to be a cure before another mother has to lose her child.
I have met so many wonderful people through my son. 1000s of wonderful devoted caring people that would come back each and everyday to check on Jacob and go through his good times and his bad times with us. Giving us hope and strength to get through each and every battle. Thank you to all of you who kept up with Jacobs journey. Your earth angels, and I love you all.
Jacobs medical team through Peterborough and The Hospital for Sick Kids helped me help Jacob live a wonderful peaceful quality filled life. His nurses, especially Sylvia, Martha, and Tifffany are angels. Tiffany… or shall I call you Jacobs second mother. Jacob, and my family and I have no words that would do you justice. You’re an amazing woman and nurse. An inspiration to so many. Jacob loved you so much. I love you so much. Your amazing at what you do. Never stop doing what you do. I remember back last February getting Jacob started on his pappy, during his 6 week hospital stay in Toronto. You rocked him hours and hours getting him used to his pappy. Not only did you devote yourself to Jacob, taking your free time off work to be here in Peterborough to make sure Jacob was ok… ut me to. You helped me more then I could ever tell you. You’re a part of our family. I love you. Dr. Peter Hughes, thanks for always having a shoulder, always reading Jacobs site and then calling me telling me to do this or that. Letting me know I was doing a good job. Understanding and taking the time to learn about SMA. Thank you for taking on the challenge and being the great doctor you are. The chest team in Toronto, Dr MacKlusky, Krista, Andrea, your all amazing and you always listened to me and helped me educate myself. You always answered every call I made, each page or email. Jacob lived way past his life expectancy because you all took the time to listen and learn from me. You’re a great team at a great hospital and keep doing what you do best. I love you all so much.
My family is the best family ever. Im honored to be a daughter to such loving and supportive parents. Mom I couldn’t have gotten though these months without your help. I LOVE YOU. I hope I have been as great a mother to my children as you have been to me. Dan, and Shannon, you both lit up Jacobs eyes as soon as he saw you. Shannon what can I say. I have a new sister, a sister I never had. Alyssa has gained an amazing loving aunt.
Alyssa hunny, you are the best big sister any little boy could have ever asked for. Your such a big help to mommie. Jacob loved you so much. You read to him almost each and every day. Did your little dances for him. He loved you so much. I love you so much. Thank you for being such a good little helper and being such a wonderful daughter any mother could have asked for.
Scott, you came to me at a time in my life that was trying to say the least. Thanks for always being there and understanding and being you.
Jacobs father, Jody, I know you loved Jacob and he knew it too. Cheryl, Kara, Burce, and Dale, thanks for everything throughout the year. I know you all loved Jacob and you were all very supportive to me. Thanks.
Pray for a cure this year, let 2005 be the year of the cure.
I just wanted to take a minute and talk about SMA Support. Where Id like the donations sent. A wonderful woman, mother of two SMA angels, Devon and Sydney, started this organization. She is the strongest, most knowledgeable woman I have even had the honor to meet. Not only does she run a support group for us all to help each other care for our children, she helps familys with what they need most. Support. She does this because she cares about our kids unconditionally. My pulse oximeter that measured Jacob oxygen levels came from her, his E Z on vest to travel with Jacob came from her, his diet came from her before it was approved here from our doctors. She pays for funerals to those who need help. She puts up websites to honor our angels here and gone. She also is a mother, wife, pilot, I could go on and on. Through her, and SMA support I found a place to learn how to care for Jacob. I had the support I needed. Every mother and grandmother, and father of an SMA child I met has touched my life. I know the true meaning of an extended family now. They will forever be a part of Jacobs and my life. But she and the families that struggled like us to get the things we needed need your support also. Take the time to learn about SMA. Donate to SMA support or to FSMA Families of Spinal Muscular Atrophy geared to raise money for research. Together we can all help those who need it and together we can find a cure.
Thank you all for coming and helping to celebrate Jacobs life, he is now in heaven free of SMA, running, eating chips, and ice cream. He isn’t sick anymore, no more worring if a cold will take his life. No more feeding tubes, breathing machines, physio, no more suctioning or coughing. He died peacefully, the way it was supposed to happen. Jacob has flown home to heaven to be in Gods arms. Fly baby bear fly. Mommies sending you kisses from hear to heaven little man. Catch them.
Tuesday, February 22, 2005 9:00 PM
Oh Jacob. I miss you so much. Saturday night when we got home from the hospital your little DVD player was still playing. It was hard to turn it off. After everyone left me, Scott and Tiffany were just sitting here talking and I grabbed your spit blanket. It was still wet with your drool on it. I picked it up and smelled it. Ohhhhh it was like you were right there. That smell... Ill never ever ever forget that smell. Its the sweetest smell Ive ever smelt. It was like a breath of fresh air. I cried so hard missing you then. Im not going to wash anything of yours. I pray that it will keep your smell. Its been such a hard few days for me hunny. Im keeping my self busy with all the arrangements these past few days. Its the only thing I can do. If not then I start to miss you deeply again and I feel like I cant go on. At the funeral home I got to hold you and feel you and see you again Sunday morning. You look so peaceful now baby. Yesterday we were busy with pictures and things. Shannon and Tiffany made the most beautiful collages of you. Oh Jacob if I could only see your smile one more time. If only I could touch your warm skin, smell your sweet smell. Kiss you all over.
Today we went out to the cemetary again to finalize everything. The balloon release is going to be huge. There will be 200 balloons with messages being sent for you all to play with in heaven tomorrow. I had to drop off some more stuff at the funeral home today. He asked me if I wanted to hold you. Me and Scott got to spend some great time with you. It felt soooo good to hold you again today baby. It was so hard to put you back into your beautiful casket today. I know its the last time I will ever get to hold you. It meant so much to me that I got to spend all that time with you today. Your suit looks so beautiful on you hunny. Ive been sitting at the computer reading all the 100s of messages to you from so many loving people from all over the world. So many people loved you. So many people were touched by you. You meant so much to so many people its unimaginable how much you have brought to peoples lives.
For four days now Ive been preparing a little something to say at the funeral. Nothing seems right. Nothing will do you justice. I just hope that you know how much I am going to miss you how much mommie is struggling to get though each and every day without you. The hardest thing is waking up each day. Getting out of bed is really hard.
Please know that I miss you and love you and will try to be brave and strong tomorrow. Kisses from here to heaven baby bear.
Angela mommie
Sunday, February 20, 2005 9:34 PM CST
********Update below***********
In leu of flowers donations to be made to SMA Support and sent to: PO Box 6301, Kokomo, IN 46904.
Funeral Arrangements as follows
Wed. Feb 23, 2005
At Christian Victory Church
520 Brealey Dr
Peterborough On
K9K 2R7
Church # 705-742-8434
Fax # 705-742-3040
Rev. Mark & Rev. Wendy Murack
Times:
12:00 noon Till 2:30 visitation
2:30 funeral ceremony to start with the internment to follow at RoseMount Memorial Gardens
Following Internment will be fellowship to follow at Rock Haven Convention Center on corner or Landsdown St and Brealey Dr. All is welcome to celebrate Jacobs life.
Any questions call me or email me...no call I never have time for the computer lately. Not for a few days anyway.
705-748-9052
We are coping as well as to be expected. Had a really busy day today. Making all the arrangements for my angel. Just too quiet here without him. I miss him so much
I love you baby bear. I miss you. Please, please, please send mommie a sign that you are ok tonight. I really need it right now little man. I love you monkey.
***********UPDATE 7:30 PM***************
Jacob was on the news tonight. I mean I was. It was a good interview. Here is the article from the newspaper today. And he was on the radio too.
Here is the link to read it yourself or read it here
http://www.thepeterboroughexaminer.com/webapp/sitepages/
'I feel honoured to have been his mom'
Obituary — Jacob Procter-Trick
SAIRA PEESKER
Local News - Monday, February 21, 2005 @ 08:00
After fighting to live six months longer than most babies with his rare disease, Jacob Procter-Trick died in his mother’s arms Saturday night.
"Baby Jacob" — as he was known by this community that rallied around him and helped raise money for medical equipment to help him breathe — was 18-months-old.
Jacob had spinal muscular atrophy, a degenerative disease that weakened his muscles, requiring him to be constantly hooked up to machines that monitored his heart rate and oxygen levels and helped him breathe and clear phlegm from his throat.
His death came following a week of calls to 911. His mother Angela Trick explains he couldn't clear secretions in his throat, which often blocked oxygen flow to his lungs, leading to what his mother refers to as a “crash.”
“Each crash seemed longer, like he was getting weaker,” she said. “He actually seemed like he was feeling better yesterday (Saturday.) He had a bath and was playing with his sister, but around quarter after eight he started to choke.”
After Angela and her daughter Alyssa, 8, were unable to resuscitate Jacob, he was rushed to Peterborough Regional Health Centre by ambulance.
There, they were told he had about two minutes to live.
“They gave him to me to hold. He was just hanging on,” said Angela. “He put his head and hands on my chest, and I held him close to me, told him I loved him and cried.”
Jacob died at 8:58 p.m.
About 80 per cent of children diagnosed with the disease do not see their first birthdays. But Jacob was a fighter with a wide base of support backing him up throughout his short life, explains Angela, who has maintained a website charting his progress since he was diagnosed in January, 2004.
“He was a community baby with a worldwide following,” she said, noting more than 3,000 people have checked the website since she updated it following his death. “Without the people in this community who cared, he wouldn’t have made it as far as he did.”
Keeping Jacob healthy required constant attention, a special diet and multiple expensive machines. Both his cough-assist machine and his special stroller were paid for through community fundraisers, and will now be donated to another child with the same disease.
Angela spent almost every minute of the last 18 months with her son, only taking showers when his nurse was there to watch him.
Tiffany Wilson met Jacob while looking after him at Toronto's Hospital for Sick Children, and came to Peterborough on her days off to give Angela some time to herself.
Many others were also touched by their interaction with Jacob, who looked and acted like he was an angel on earth, according to family friend Shannon Graham.
“He was always looking and laughing, as if he could see other angels in the room with him,” she said. “His eyes were so big and perceptive. He was beautiful.”
Jacob spent most of his time on the floor of his living room, watching DVDs while hooked up to his machines. His favourites were the Wiggles and Blue's Clues, and sometimes he would watch both of them simultaneously on the regular TV and his portable DVD player.
“He was addicted to his movies,” said Angela. “If you walked in front of him while he was watching, he would have a fit. He’d make you move by holding his breath long enough that his oxygen would drop. He was pretty smart.”
Jacob also loved helium balloons, music and watching his sister dance. After spending most of his life being fed through a tube in his stomach, his mother says it's “glorious” to think about what he must be doing in heaven.
“He’s free of his disease now, and he’s eating ice cream and chips and playing with all the other angels,” she said, adding that the last 18 months have been the most rewarding of her life. “I feel honoured to have been his mom. He changed my life, and I wouldn’t change a thing.”
Jacob’s grandmother says he changed more lives than one would ever expect from such a small child.
“Jacob didn’t know it, but he was a teacher,” said Sheila Trick. “He taught me how to appreciate life and not to take things for granted. He taught us all to live life to the very fullest.”
Visit www.caringbridge.org/canada/babyjacob to learn more about Jacob's life.
Ange
Sunday, February 20, 2005 8:35 AM
I dont know what to write, I dont know what to do, or how to feel. Nothing seems good enough to honor my angel. Thats what he is, an angel, always was. I always felt that the little oohhhs and ahhhs were the way angels talked. It was so sweet and perfect. He was sooo sweet and perfect. He was angelic. Everyone said it. I miss him so terribly so right now. Im lost and empty. Trying my hardest to stay strong for everyone else. Especially Alyssa. Oh my poor other angel girl has been through so much. I praY I have the energy and strength to help her through this also. Its too quiet here now, no alarms, no beeping, no humming of his pappy, there was always movies and music playing here for him. It lightened the room. Im going to write down the events. I keep going through them in my head and Im afraid Ill change something, things will be forgotten, this will probably be the only free time that Ill have to do this. I expect that the next few days will be hard and busy. So if your a gentle reader, you may want to skip this next part.
Sat, Feb 19th 2005 was a GOOD day. Jacob woke up at 5 am. Must have known something and wanted to spend extra time with me. I gave up trying to get him to sleep about 6 then brought him to the cough to lay with him. He watched his movies cooing and laughing. I layed beside him, as I do, rubbing his head and body, telling him, morning you little bugger, I was tired and ended up falling asleep beside him for a bit, he has that essance about him that entices us all to get sleepy with him. He has that smell, sence that you just love and when you lay with him you just close your eyes and feel sooo good and warm. ALyssa came down and woke us up, me up, about 8 to get her ready for dance. Mom came up and took her to dance with my coffee in hand. I layed with Jacob and knitted beside him. I am knitting a blanket for him, and wish it could have been done for him by now. Also one huge one for my mom. He loves to watch me as I do this. Little monkey eh, loves the smallest things. Alyssa and mom were home shortly after. We took him upstairs to have a bath. He loved his baths. Mom stayed to see him in the tub. Playing and laughing. We got him all cleaned up and ready for the day. His hands-- they always had a smell, some say puke, some say BO, I say beautiful. He kept his fists closed all the time and they alwsays smelled sweaty. The most beautiful smell in the world. That and his breathe. It was either strawberries, really sweet, or it was a hospital smell, amonia? or something and on those days with that smell you knew it was going to be a tough day.
Dan and Shannon came up to visit. Jacob was really tired, he ended up falling asleep on the couch because he was a night hawk last night. It was beautiful, he never sleeps without his pappy anymore. He only lasted about 20 minutes and then woke up and wanted it back. But we took lots of pictures when he was sleeping off of his pappy. One of my brother sleeping head to head with him. Ill post them later if I have time. We also took some great pictures of him smiling and playing.
I moved him to the crib to put him on his pappy. He was smiling like always knowing that he loved it and wanted his pappy to get a break breathing. Mom, Dan and Shannon left, and I got him to sleep after about an hour of tring. That little 20 minute nap gave him a bit of a second wind. But I knew he needed his nap to be strong enough for the day.
I let him sleep until about 4. I knew that he would not go back to sleep tonight if I let him sleep anylonger. Then I took him back over to the couch. I just wanted him to be close to me that day? Not sure why. He wasnt choking or anything had a really good day. I made some home made pizzas with Alyssa, lol we ate the whole thing too! THen me and Alyssa watched a movie together, CHallange, a Mary-Kate and Ashley movie. Jacob loved having us right beside him. About 8:15-8:30 he started to choke again. I gave him a bit to spit it out, then I realized he wasnt going to. He usually does, I wish I had of worked on him those few seconds earlier. I unhooked him from everything told Alyssa to bring the pulse ox back to the crib for me. I started to cough him, asked alyssa to turn the suction on and get it for me. Turn his pappy on. She did so good. After a few minutes alyssa says, mom hes dead. I thought omg I think he is. I said to call 911. I knew he was leaving me. He looked at me and then his eyes half rolled back. He wasnt breathing anymore I couldnt get any air into him. I knew. The ambulance came here as they were coming up the stairs, he said whats going on. I said I think hes dead, so we stopped working and then his pulse started to beep again. He had 10 for 02 and 20 for heart. He was still trying to fight the little fighter. They said to wrap him up and they needed him in the ambulance. I got two warm blankies for him. They carried him away and told me to stay here for a few minutes. Right...I was right out there behind him. I kept asking if I could see him. If I could know what was going on...talk to me...tell me something. Whats his sats at... how is he..is he alive. They were trying to get an iv, I said go for his forehead...DO not put in an IO he had 4 before and your not doing that again. Finally they let me in the truck. HE looked so bad. His heart was only pumping 20-30 times. He was going into cardiac arrest. He was dying. I said its his time he told me dont intubate just try to get his airway open. They used an oral airway because he was so far gone his tounge was laxed and blocking his airway. He was in peace though. They were giving him liters of 02 throught eh bag and mask and his 02 was blinking on their machine lower then 50. His heart held at 20-30 the whole way to the hospital. We got htere and all the docs and nurses were there to come in and assess him. They asked if I wanted to hold him. That he only had about 1 minute left. So they all left me alone with him but 1 doctor and I placed him in my arms, put his head on my chest, his hands in my hand. And just squeezed him, cried, and told him I love him. It was ok. I love you Jacob you can go home. I felt all his last breathes on my chest. I felt his last heartbeat. Then I just hugged him and cried and rocked him. Shortly after mom and dad got there. They took us to a private room and let us all phone who we wanted to and everyone in our and Jodys family came to the hosptial to say good bye. We all held him, talked to him, and everything. Alyssa did so good. She cried lots but was so brave for a 8 year old. I lvoe her so much.
I feel so lost each and everyday revolved around jacob. Every waking moment was him. He is everywhere here in the house. Its hard to be here. Tiff went back to the hospital and got some pills to make me sleep last night,. Sometime I fell asleep. But I didnt want to wake up. I didnt want to face this day. But at 11 I have to go to the funeral home and finilize all the arrangements that we made back in July. Oh I miss him so. I love him soooo much. I picked up his spit blanket when we got home last night from teh hospital. It was still wet.. I could still smell his breath on it. OMG I cried and smelled it over and over andover again. I can smell my baby on it. OMG It smells sooo good.
I should go shower and get on with what has to be done. Thanks for the prayers. I love you all.
KISS YOUR KIDS TODAY, TELL THEM YOU LOVE THEM FORME PLEASE. TELL THEM THEY ARE SPECIAL AND LOVED EXTRA MUCH.
Ill have the arrangements posted as soon as I know them. Id love everyone to come. I want it to be huge and let everyone know how much he was loved and how much he meant to sooo many people.
Angela
Saturday, February 19, 2005 10:51 PM CST
Jacob joined the angels tonight. At 8:58 he flew home to heaven to be in Gods arms. I did all I could do for him.
Angela
Thursday, February 17, 2005 1:30 PM
Can my baby just get a frigging break soon PLEASE!!!
Dam it. As if he isnt going through enough...
This morning me and Shannon were playing with Jacob he was doing really well, I dont think his tooth is even sore anymore. I had a quick shower, because I havent in a day (lol) and he needs constant suctioning now. His secretions are sooooo thick, slimy and yellow, must have my cold. Well we put his movie on, and hes really clingy again, so we sat beside him and we were knitting, then just wham, beep beep beep, his heart is at 40. 02 was fine, suctioned him and nothing there? Then 02 plummits, vasal vagal thing i think, so unhook him from everything got him to the crib, cough him, nothing again, he didnt even have anything on but a diaper because he was so sweaty from choking earlier, he was blue from head to toe, Shannon hooked his pulse ox back up while I worked on him. I dont know if those work that low or not but it seemed like it was accurate, He was 20 for 02 and 30 for heart. Eyes rolled back in his head, nothing I did was working for him at all. She called 911 and I just worked on him, suctioning and coughing and putting pappy over his nose. He was lifeless. Then just like that he started to breathe again and came back like nothing ever happened. I KNOW the angels were right there with him.
After he was stable he was LAUGHING and his eyes were dancing and following something all over the room. I know it was his angels. Then he just closed his eyes and has been sleeping ever since. I have no idea whats going on. Hes crashing more and more. Even more then prior to all the machines. I keep his head completely to the side. Suction him ALL the time. Have him flat, I just dont understand whats going on with him. What the hell am I doing wrong. Why cant I get a handle on this. Its an awful feeling thinking your doing something wrong and hes suffering from it. I just dont know whats up. What else I can do. His lungs are clear, other then thick secretions nothing is outta whack. Low 02 still while sleeping thats it. Even his left lung is sounding good. I just feel inadequate sometimes, you know. Like Im an SMA idiot, and cant keep my baby from choking and suffering. He doesnt want me to leave his side, I know hes afraid that I wont be there to help him. I wonder why this is happening. Each crash gets worse and worse. No sign of plugs. Why cant I get my crap together and just get him better. God he just had his poor little tooth riped out of his mouth yesterday, I feel so bad for him.
Sorry venting I guess. I just feel like Im doing a bad job or something???
Ange
Wednesday, February 16, 2005 3:10 PM
Jacob got his tooth pulled out today :(
Poor guy. He wasnt feeling well this morning again. Our colds are still lingering. His secretions are too thick. So I cancelled the physio apt to acess him for his stander. But the dentist was coming at 2:30. SO I put him to bed early and let him sleep right until he got here. I took off his pappy because he needed his mouth open more. He froze it with a needle. The a few minutes later he pulled it with plyers. UGh Ill never forget that sound, and all the blood. Poor little angel. I hate seeing him in any pain at all, but he thought it had to come out. Better then him choking on it. Poor guy, he could use some prayers and some get well wishes.
Thanks so much.
Angela
Tuesday, February 15, 2005 11:15 AM
Thanks for all the wishes for us.
This weekend was really busy. We had visitors, Jacobs nanny cheryl and aunt kara, and my parents and shannon, sat.
And on Sunday was Alyssas birthday party. Mom and Tiffany looked after Jacob. He was soooooo much better sun. Me and Shannon took onthe kids and we saw Racing Stripes it was a great movie. Jacob was doing so much better and made a complete turn around Sun. THen it was me ffeeling cruddy on Sun. I was starting to get something. Yesterday just in time for valentines it hit me pretty hard. I felt horrible. Not sure if its just a virus, cold or the flu, but man no energy and feel awful. Last night Jacob woke up at 3 am and didnt go back to bed until 6. So I let him sleep until 10. So hes going to be off schedule today. Im feeling a little better as Scott and his nurse looked after Jacob and I got some rest yesterday. Today Jacob sounds really nasaly, and has THICK yellow secretions. So he has what I have now. And we just got him all better. Ugh well, its still winter so I guess its to be expected. Hes feeling ok though. Fever is gone and heart is lower. His physio is coming on Wed and also wed the dentist iscoming back at 2:30. So its going to be a busy day. If he isnt much better tomorrow Ill prob cancel physio, but until tomorrow I wont know how he is.
Im going back to the couch now to cuddle with Jacob. Ill update more in a minute
Ange
Friday, February 11, 2005 12:00 PM
Jacob still isnt much better. We had a nap in the afternoon for about 3 hours. Much needed rest. Last night he seemed a bit more comfortable. At about 7 he started to ask for a bath "aba aba" so I gave him one. He did great and seemed even better after it.
HE went right to sleep last night so we both got a good sleep. This morning when his nurse got here he woke up and was crying and crying. His heart was about 170 and nothing we did would settle him. So we gave him some codine. He did ok through his cough session and we got out a few yellow lougies. And some stuff from his nose. He seemed more comfortable with the codine this morning. His heart is still about 150 and thats high for him. He has a fever and would not let us even do his stretches for him. He doesnt want to be bothered but wants us right beside him. He needed lots of suctioning this morning too. After his codine started to wear off he got really uncomfortable again so we gave him a bit more. Im going to get him ready for his nap now. Then while he sleeps hopefully he will so I can get some groceries for the weekend and pay some bills.
His nurse thinks hes getting the flu or something and thinks he just achy everywhere because he wont let us touch him. I hope not. I was just hoping it was his teeth or something??? Ill keep you updated how he is doing.
Thanks for all the prayers
Ange
Thursday, February 10, 2005 9:30 PM
Well I really dont have a good update to do right now.
Jacob is not well at all. But I honestly dont really know whats wrong with him. Sunday night he didnt sleep well. He was up and watching his movies at 6 AM after I gave up trying to get him to sleep. He seemed ok for most of the day monday. Slept well Mon night. Then Tues he was just really fussy. He didnt want me to leave him for a second. It was a frustrating day to say the least. I didnt have a nurse, and if I even left the room for a minute he would cry. I thought it was him just being fussy. He crashed quite a few times thoughout Tues. Tues night Shannon came over and he crashed a lot. So I think he worries when he cant see me. Wondering and worring if he crashes if Id be there to help him. Then Tues he slept pretty well. Wed he woke up and we had our nurse here. Even with her here he didnt want me to go to far. If I was on the computer, and he could even see me he would cry until I sat right beside him. He just is not acting like Jacob at all. All day yesterday he was just off. Im not even sure how to explain it. Not smiling much, heart rate is high, he sounded clear and his chest wasnt rattling or anything Then he cried for quite some time last night. His heart was high. And he kept crashing over and over again. Not being able to breathe at all. So I put him on pappy and his heart was still high and he kept whining and crying. So I gave him some codine as I dont know whats wrong with him. I wish he could tell me what was bothering him. I hate not knowing whats up with him. Thats the hardest thing is not knowing how to fix something or make him feel better. After he was on pappy and had the codine he seemed better. No more crashes. Then last night, man oh man, he just would not go to sleep. He was up every hour and every half hour. Scott is here too and neither of us got ANY sleep last night at all. He just wanted me to sit right beside him at the crib. He would fall asleep and Id go back to the couch trying to get to sleep and then hed wake up and cry. Totally not normal for him. So around 5 am his diaper had leaked so we changed his PJs and got him all comfy again. Buthe wasnt going to go to sleep. So about 5 :30 I got him all set up on the floor with his pappy and his DVD player. Im beat to say the least.
I got Alyssa off to school and Scott went to get us some coffee this am. Jacob was fussing alot so I took him off pappy thinking he wanted a break as hed been on it since after supper last night. I laid beside him on the floor cuddling him and he was watching his movie. I noticed his breathing different. I looked up at him and he was asleep. Now he hasnt slept without his pappy so I was going to put it on him but thought Id wait a bit to see how he did. Well in less then two minutes when he was really sleeping he stopped breathing thinking the Bi-PAP would kick in and breathe for him. So I got him back on his pappy. He is wide awake still, none of us have had any sleep and he is just off. His chest feels like there is rattles in it, but sounds not too bad. I cant tell if the noises I hear are in his lungs or from his upper airway or his throat. So, I just dont know what to do with him. I know something isnt right??? But dont really know whats wrong or what to do? Thats the worst part. I worry that he is brewing something. Something isnt right. But again, what the heck is it. He is just off. Scott even said that and Shannon that Jacob just isnt himself.
Ill keep you updated as I find out more.
Thanks so much for all the Birthday wishes for Alyssa. She loved reading them all and it sure made her day for the last few days.
Lots of love and hugs to everyone. Hey Carol I forgot to tell you I mailed the pics to you last week. I hope you get them soon. I put them into a different package a bubble one that should hopefully not get wet!
Hope they get there soon. And Alyssa got your Valentine card. Thanks!
Angela
Monday, February 7, 2005 2:07 PM CST
HAPPY 8th BIRTHDAY TO MY SPECIAL, WONDERFUL, BRAVE, BEAUTIFUL, SWEET LITTLE ANGEL GIRL!
Alyssa, my how you have grown. I remember the day you were born. Now your growing into a little lady. Im soooo very proud of you for all you have accomplished this last year. You have put up with a lot of "just a minutes" And rarely complain about it. Your a very caring, loving sister, and such a big help to mommie. You have helped me more than you know. I love you so much sweety. I cant tell you enough how proud of you I am. I get a smile on my face everytime you show me just how grown up you are becoming. Your patient, and so devoted to your brother. We all love you so very much honey. Lunch was great. I like doing special things with you. I hope this year brings you all the things you deserve and love.
All my love,
mommie
Just a quick update: Jacob had a great weekend. We didnt do much of anything really. Spent most of the weekend with mom and dad, and Shannon. Sun Scott and Kyle came up and are leaving soon.
TOnight we are celebrating Alyssas birthday with mom and dad, Dan and Shannon are coming over for some ice cream cake. Not much. Her party is going to be this weekend.
THanks for all the Birthday wishes for my other little angel.
Angela
Monday, February 7, 2005 2:07 PM CST
HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO MY SPECIAL, WONDERFUL, BRAVE, BEAUTIFUL, SWEET LITTLE ANGEL GIRL!
Alyssa, my how you have grown. I remember the day you were born. Now your growing into a little lady. Im soooo very proud of you for all you have accomplished this last year. You have put up with a lot of "just a minutes" And rarely complain about it. Your a very caring, loving sister, and such a big help to mommie. You have helped me more than you know. I love you so much sweety. I cant tell you enough how proud of you I am. I get a smile on my face everytime you show me just how grown up you are becoming. Your patient, and so devoted to your brother. We all love you so very much honey. Lunch was great. I like doing special things with you. I hope this year brings you all the things you deserve and love.
All my love,
mommie
Just a quick update: Jacob had a great weekend. We didnt do much of anything really. Spent most of the weekend with mom and dad, and Shannon. Sun Scott and Kyle came up and are leaving soon.
TOnight we are celebrating Alyssas birthday with mom and dad, Dan and Shannon are coming over for some ice cream cake. Not much. Her party is going to be this weekend.
THanks for all the Birthday wishes for my other little angel.
Angela
Saturday, February 5, 2005 10:45 AM
Yesterday was my moms birthday!
HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO THE BEST MOTHER AROUND!!!
Dear mom,
I hope you know just how much I love you. You have always been a huge inspiration to me. Your the most loving, caring, wonderful person I know. You mean the world to me and the kids. Ill forever be greatful for all you have done for me and the kids over the years. I couldnt and wouldnt be the person I am today if it werent for you. I only wish I can be the person you have become and have always been someday. I dont say it enough, I love you. It has been the hardest years, these past years, with Alyssas ear, dads eyes, and now Jacob. But through it all you have maintained a strength and courage I admire. Your an amazing woman, wife, mother, grandmother, and friend to me. Thank you for all you have done, and taught me over the years. Your a very special person to me, and for that I thank you.
Love you tons, always and forever,
Angela
Thanks everyone for the prayers and compliments to Alyssa. She sure is a special little girl. We have always been upfront with her. I have told her that someday most likely SMA will take Jacobs life. Most kids would be afraid of siblings like Jacob. (I think) They wouldnt play with them like she does, ALyssa loves her brother to death. Is very proud of him. She doesnt really look at him like he's got a disease that is going to kill him. She looks at him like hes 'Jacob'. Plays with him, reads to him, talks to him, makes him laugh, and sometimes cry! lol Im so proud of her for loving her brother like she does. We live each day to the fullest most days. She knows that there is no treatment or cure for Jacob. That Im doing all I can to ensure that Jacob lives a good quality of life. Im doing all I can to help him live. She understands that most of my time is devoted to Jacob because its the way it has to be right now. It has helped her to love our special times together that much more when we have them. Im so happy that she is not afraid of Jacob dying, she knows that someday he may go to a better place. Sure it upsets her alot sometimes but with the help of family, and me, she is open about her feelings and is able to talk to us. She has a lot of support. And for that Im greatful. She tells everyone about his accomplishments, his struggles, and how he is doing all the time. Her teacher sent home her full journal book from school a few weeks ago. It brought tears to my eyes reading about half of them were about her brother..."my brother is not feeling well today, I hope he is better when I get home", "Jacob is in the hosptial today and I miss him", "Jacob has a tube in his mouth because he couldnt breathe today", "Jacob came home from the hospital yesterday and he was really happy to see me, and I was happy to see him". She talks to her teacher and her friends about Jacob. Everyone likes to hear how he is doing and it helps her to talk about him too. I could have hid alot of this from her...but why? I feel it is better to be honest with her and open about all this stuff for if and when we ever do lose Jacob, she is better prepared.
Again thanks so much for all the kind words to ALyssa. She loved reading them and now her hear has ballooned another size!!! She is one great girl!
Jacob woke up yesterday happy. His nurse got here at 8 Am and Jacob just looked at her and smiled. I knew that he was ok and had no severe signs of brain damage then. I always worry about that. Being without oxygen for so long is always a worry. But he seems to pull through each crash better and better. It just seems that each crash gets worse and worse everytime. This was the longest he had been 'down' before at home. Other then the intubation time at the hospital. I really got scared when nothing I did helped him. I handle every crash pretty well. You dont even think about it anymore. You just do what you have to do. But when what you do doesnt work anymore then the panick starts to set in. Your heart starts to pound, I could feel my heart pounding right outta my chest. I really got scared when I couldnt get his airway open. To see your childs eyes roll back into his head, his head and body soaked instantly with sweat, his color rapidly change color, white, grey, blue, lips totally drained of all color. His monitor totally not registering anything. His belly stops panting up and down, it looked like he gave up. Thats when I said to myself. OK this isnt working...what the hell do I do. Thank God for Alyssa. What worries me is that I almost gave up. I almost said to myself, ok this is Jacob telling me to stop. After the ambulance was dispatched, and I was going to stop and just pick him up and hold him tight as I though he was going to breathe his last breath, I wanted it to be in my arms, then just as I was going to stop, I seen his belly start to pump up and down again. Oh a HUGE sigh of relief came out of my mouth. I knew that I had to keep going. I told alyssa to tell the ambulance dispatch that I got him back...she said those exact words..."mom got him back"...and she smiled at me.
This is never going to be easy. Jacob is always going to have SMA, until there is a cure, or a good treatment for our kids...everyday is spent wondering what today will bring. We give up most everything that used to be normal to make sure our kids are taken care of. Most of us do that ourselves. As we dont know how long our kids will live. More and more of them are surviving the unsurvivable, the unimaginable, they are living longer, happier, fuller lives. Going to school, sitting up, driving wheelchairs, man oh man. I never thought Id see the day that Jacob may get his legs. I will cry and cry tears of joy seeing my boy drive away from me, I will feel so happy chasing after him as he tries to 'run' away and play with the other kids.
Thursday we had another PT meeting. Jacob is going to be getting his stander, maybe his DAFO's for his feet for proper support, a TLSO so he can sit supported. She said to me, you know I never ever ever thought Id be sitting her talking about all the things we need to get and do for Jacob. I really never did. Well neither did I. I was told he wouldnt see his 1st birthday. Now we are planning on how to teach Jacob things, getting him adapted toys, computers so he can make choices and talk to us. Get standers so he can STAND up and play and see the things as we see them. Even someday get a power wheelchair. Each day that goes by is another day that to me I look at as a blessing. I feel that each day is given to us and I try to do something good with each day, even if its just getting my little angel to smile, thats one more smile I never ever thought I would get to see.
Sorry for rambling there. But sometimes I just start to write and it ends up all over the place and has no structure or meaning. lol Anyway Jacob is doing fabulous, mom, dad, and dan came up for supper last night and we gave nana her presents from the kids and I. It was a good day. Jacob slept like an angel last night too. So did mommie, as Thursday night I didnt get much. I never sleep well after a bad experience like that.
Ok thats enough for now. Again thanks so much for all the kind and loving words.
Love and hugs,
Angela
Thursday, February 3, 2005 10:30 PM
You know Im really pooped and I just wrote what happened in an email to my chat so I will just copy and paste it here for you to read. Very rough night it was tonight.
Whoo... Im still shaking.
Ok everything was fine tonight, just finished giving Jacob and Alyssa their baths and got them ready for bed. Alyssa just went upstairs. I moved Jacob to his crib, put his feeding tube, pulse ox back on him, and turned his head to put the pappy on and seen him start to struggle to breathe. I rolled him on his side and suctioned, he just started to turn blue again. I turned on cough and pappy alternated them and suctioned, nothing was working. I couldnt leave him to call 911 he was completely blue, and his eyes rolled back in his head and was not even breathing anymore. Nothing was getting into his airways. I yelled for alyssa, she came down I told her to call 911 and give them our addy.
She was SOOOOO good. Im SOOOO proud of her. My heart is aching for her to have to go through this also. SHe said hello, my brother is choking. I told her to tell them our address, she said they had it. Then as I worked I heard what she was saying. She says, 'no he is blue, no his lips are purple, she would ask me questions and Id answer them for the dispatch. After she hung up she was crying and came and wrapped her arms around me. I wanted to comfort her and hold her but I couldnt I had to work on Jacob. It seemed like forever before they got here. I had gotten his 02 to 60% by the time they got here. He was still blue and lifeless. They just stood and watched me work for about another 5 minutes and finally we got him stable. He is still lathargic and pooped. Opened his eyes for a few minutes and sounds nice and clear. I told them it was ok and they could go. They just did a once over onhim and told me I could have a job with them anytime I wanted! whew! It just seemed so long this time. I hope no damage was done. About a half hour later he cried for a few minutes I held him and thanked him for fighting again and pulling through. I told him too how proud I was of him.
Hes sleeping now and I took Alyssa up to bed again. Her poor eyes are almost swollen shut from crying so hard. She loves her brother so much. I just held her and told her I love her and thank you for being such a brave little girl and how proud I was of her. She fell right asleep too. Its so hard on her too eh.
Im pooped now too gonna head to bed. Just had to get that off my chest and kinda spit it out that it happened. You know, even when Jacob flatlined and needed intubation I dont think I was this scared.
I think it was from moving him so much he plugged up. But I was really scared tonight. I thought this was it. When his eyes opened a bit and it was just the whites I really thought it was his time. I feel awful for feeling that way. UGh just rambling now.
Night, thanks for listening
Ange
Wednesday, February 2, 2005 9:00 PM
Thanks for all the prayers for my babybear. Mom, dad, Shannon, Scott, me and Jacob were all here! Talk about support. LOL Noones gonna hurt babybear!
Well the dentist got here right on time at 1:30 and was gone about 1:35! lol Quick and right to the point. He doesnt ever do house visits but after saying who Jacob was he offered to come and asses it here. That was so nice of him. He has been our family dentist for about 25 years. He looked at his teeth and suggested that he thought that it might be from his soother??? I replied that I didnt think so as he only has it when he is asleep and even then when he is asleep he spits it out anyway. He didnt have a light, no xray and only tried to look in his mouth quickly. So he didnt get a good look at the gum lines I was talking about. But he said that it sure is wiggly but he thinks that it might be ok for a bit. He thinks its still secure. SO it might not fall out. Sometimes he said that the teeth just stay wiggly. So if it gets worse or anything before two weeks call him and he will come and pull it if not then he will be back in about two weeks and see how it is then. I was very happy and greatful that he could come and reassure us that it wont fall out right away. But hes not sure whats causing it. It might be the tooth coming up behind or underneath so we have to kinda wait and see. So lets keep our fingers crossed that it isnt going to get any looser or fall out.
Also I have some good and bad news. You know our nurse Tiffany. Well she definately needs some prayers. I cant get into any details as Im not sure if she wants us to but if you could also say a few prayers for her she has alot medically going on right now. I wish I could help her and be there for her to support her but you know Im always here for you Tiff. And of course Jacob is sending get better kisses to you too!
The good news is as I told you Tiff was featured in Toronto with a bunch of other people the mayor choose as "A day in the Life of" with others like cops, firemen and so on. Well she was chosen as a nurse. Its plastered all over Nathan Phillips Square. Of course Jacobs pic is up there too as she cares for him! And now because of this the National Post called her and wants to interview her about it. I have the ultimate all time best nurse for my baby bear. She is just awsome and we love her so much.
Well I gotta go. Scott is leaving and Shannon just got here to get ready for us to do some running around. Jacobs gonna be with his nurse that he loves to yell at! What a guy. He has her trained lol. He will tell her to either change the channel or movie for him and if he doensnt like it he literally yells at her. Also if she is reading him a story he will yell at her when she is done and look at the pile and tell her to read another one. What a little boy eh! Such attitude at 17 months old!
Well take care everyone.
Lots of love, Angela
Monday, January 31, 2005 4:10 PM
Jacob is going to see the dentist tomorrow at 1:30 (Tues). He is coming here. Im a little worried about it. Not sure what we will do if he has to have it pulled. Since he cant be put out to have it done Im assuming he is going to need a needle to freeze it. The only problem is that when he cries he chokes and needs pappy. With pappy he cant keep his mouth open. So we will have to play it by ear. Will tylonal just be fine or will he need something better like codine, morphine or atavan? Or a mix of both? Ugh Ill have to talk to him about that I guess. I sure am a little nervous about it anyway. Thanks so much for all the kind words. It means alot to me.
Jacob slept pretty good last night. And then today he was being off. He needed suctioning alot and has 2 really big scares with choking. Once I had to throw him on the crib and cough him and place his pappy on to get air into him. His nurse was here and was a big help. After the second time we finally got out a pretty big lougie, must have been a plug forming. Thankfully we got it out. It sure poops him out when he crashes like that. His 02 was down to 40 and heart same. But thankfully we got it out. Then he had a big nap and got rested up. He is doing fine now.
Tonight me and Scott are heading out to the show. Im still not sure what we are going to see as Scott is picking this one out and he hasnt 'decided' yet. Boy oh boy what a MAN eh! He has taken about 2 hours to look at them all and watch the previews and as he says 'research' them and hasnt told me which he is chosing yet! LOL Ill let you know what we see after I find out ;)
Mom and Shannon are coming up to watch the kids for us. Ill keep Jacob on his pappy just to be safe.
Ill let you know how the dentist goes tomorrow afternoon.
Have a good night!
Lots of love,
Angela, Alyssa and Jacob
Sunday, January 30, 2005 6:30 PM
Oh no...I have some terrible news. Well kinda terrible. I think its terrible anyway... :(
Ok you know how Jacob has been getting in all of his teeth right? Well his first top two came in no problem. Then his bottom two came in. Then the one beside his left bottom tooth started to come in, its through but its halfway behind that tooth. Still with me??? Well as the days are going on I noticed that that bottom tooth is being pushed out...way out each day it get futher out from the one behind it. At least I think its the other tooth causing it. Well just today I noticed that it was way way way out. Even his little gum is being stretched really far out. You can see the skin stretched out. Just awful to see. Its really red too. Well today I was giving him his nummers (soother) and it wiggled. So I purelled of course then wiggled it. And sure enough its wiggling??? OMG Im so scared that it will fall out and he will choke on it. Ill be dammed if I will let some stupid tooth choke Jacob. His gum line on that side is sooo wide. Its like two gum lines. And to top it off... his upper right gumline is doubled in size also. Like there is going to be two sets of teeth coming in??? I know crazy. My poor boy. So this must have been causing him some discomfort. And last night I was getting frustrated with him as he kept spitting out his nummers and not wanting to go to sleep. He was really fussy and kept crying till about 12:30. And here all along it must have been his teeth. My poor boy I feel so awful. I can be his mom, nurse, physio therapist, respiratory therapist, occupational therapist, doctor, and everything else but I just have to admit I cant be his dentist? I have no idea what to do. I cant take him into a dentist. I hope that there is at least one dentist in Peterborough that will come to my house and assess his tooth.
What will he do? Will they pull it? He cant be put to sleep. Mom says that baby teeth have no nerves but his gums will feel it. I just dont know what they will do. But I have to get this looked after ASAP as I dont want him to swallow it. Imagine that... If he swallowed it and it went into his lungs...or he choked on it?? Ok I know Im maybe over stressing it a little but Im worried and nervous about this. Poor guy. I wonder why his teeth are so screwy? I wonder if it has anything to do with the jaw muscles? Or his facial muscles? Do they have anything to do with teeth? Do those muscles push the teeth down? Will all his teeth need pulling??? Ok Ok OK enough about it I know.
Other then his teeth and DROOL. He is doing fine. He sure is drooling lots again and needing suctioning lots again too. He seems to be fighting his pappy alot more again too. Not sure why??? Ugh so many things on my mind at the moment.
On a lighter note... I have taken up knitting! Cant say its going really well but Im starting out. I started with a blanket and its not wide enough to really be anything...not even for Jacob so its going to be alyssas doll blanket. And now Im working on one for Jacob. Ill take a pic as it starts to form something and look like a blanket. Tuesday night when we had to spend many many hours wasted in Toronto SHannon taught me how to knit. I can do normal stitches and pearl stitches! Whoo hoo! Something else to do with the time I dont really have ;)
Had lots of visitors sat and sun. Mom, Shannon, and my brother Dan were here most of Sat morn and afternoon as mom took alyssa to dance for me. Then in the afternoon after they left Dale, Marca, and her daughter Jordan came over to get some info on Jacob. Jordan is doing a speech on Jacob for her class and wanted to come and ask a few questions. Dale did most of the questioning as Jordan was a little shy! Oh well Jacob broke the ice with crossing his eyes and trying to get everyone to laugh at him! Such a ham eh! Today just mom came over for a bit in the afternoon. I showed her Jacobs teeth and she is worried about it too. I just dont know how they will fix this. I cant imagine Jacob letting a needle go into his mouth to freeze it and then all the crying if they pull it. Hed need pain meds and tons and tons of suctioning too. Ugh scary to even think about.
Thats about it for now.
Lots of love and prayers to all the sick ones right now. If you could go to Lances page and give Tina and him some prayers Id appreciate that. Lance is really sick right now and Tina could use the support. Heres the link Lances page
Also a new webpage has been started for Crystal. She is canadian and has SMA 2 and also in 2003 was diagnosed with ALL on top of that too. Can you imagine. She has cronic left lung collapses like Jacob. And has had over 175 left lung collapses. I cant imagine all that they have been though. So you could send them some welcomes and let them know they are in our prayers. Thanks Crystals page
Lots of love,
Angela
Friday, January 28, 2005 8:45 AM
Ok Ok Ok Ok!!! lol Im sorry for not giving you the update right away! I see Scott has kept you all waiting for the update! Yes we do have some exciting news! I hope its going to be exciting anyway!
Monday night was sopossed to be our sleep lab. But the girl called in sick. I say everything happens for a reason and Ill get to that in a min. Well Jacob didnt sleep long Mon night he kept waking up and neither one of us got a good sleep. So it was a good thing that it was Tues night as he was really tired. We got everything packed up about 2 PM and headed out on our way. I decided to drive so if anything happened to Jacob I wasnt holding him and could just pull over and start to work away. We tried Jacob in the E Z on vest again but my bench seats have a hump in the middle so his bum was way above his head so that didnt work out well. So Shannon held him and we put him on pappy and he did great. We kept him up so that he would sleep on the way down there. He fought going to sleep so hard. He loves going for a ride in the van and tried so hard to keep those little eyes open but after about a 1/2 hour he finally fell asleep. We got there about 4:30-5 and decided to eat supper. Then walked around for a bit. It started to snow just after we got there and it was just a mess. So we timed it perfectly. Now the only thing was what to do for 3 hours. Around 6:30 we went up to the rooms tosee if we could just wait in our room. No one was there but the cleaning guy so he let us go into a room they just cleaned and wait there. That way he could lay on the bed and get his jammies on and stuff.
The sleep tech was an RT also and she was from the states and very knowledgeable and intelligent. She has a lot of experience. So see...if we didnt go on Tues night we wouldnt have had her... we would have had the student! This happen for a reason. She put all the probes on his feet, chest and head. The belts on his chest and tummy, and Jacob was an angel through it all. He didnt get mad at all except when she turned his head and he couldnt see the TV!!! lol what a ham! Then we got to talking why we were here. I talked about wanting to use a vent non-invasively. She was very excited and interested in doing this also. I told her what I had learned about it and knew and knew of kids in the states using it with nasal prongs or pillows and they did great with it. She was really interested and said shed even love to travel back there to see how they do this. This is something Canada (as far as I know) doesnt do. Its unheard of to use a vent without being trached.
So about 10 PM we got Jacob on his pappy and he went right to sleep in about 10 minutes. Me and Shannon shortly there after! He only woke up when the power shut off in the hosptial. 3 times??? Thenwe had to turn his pappy back on! Hed go right back to sleep.
In the morning the woke us up at 6 Am to get him all cleaned up and into his clothes and out we go. They kick you out at 7 am! Jacob was not impressed with this at all! Then you have to walk around and find something to do until clinic at 930! So we had breakfast and walked around. jacob would cry if we stopped walking. We went up to clinic about 8:30 to wait in the waiting room and let Jacob watch the TV for a bit! He was being a bossy butt and wouldnt let me sit beside him? I could only stand beside the TV or he would cry??? Little weirdo eh! lol Anyway they came in about 9 to talk to us. It turns out Jacob doenst breathe with the machine. His pappy? He desynccronizes it? Meaning that the machine and him cant work together right. So I guess the woman played with settings and got something that isnt too bad for him. But he doenst breathe with it unless he is sleeping then he stops breathing and lets it breathe for him. So we talked again about the vent! I told her what the tech had to say and they were not against it either. She said though that its a $30,000 plus machine and unless trached who pays for it? So thats something else to look into if they go for it. So here is the news!!!
Jacob could be the FIRST child ever to use a vent non-invasively in Canada! He could help teach the medical community another way to ventilate kids that dont work well with Bi-PAP! Can you imagine? What an impact on the world my little angel is becomming! I am so proud of all he does without even knowing he is doing it! Who knows how long it will take to get this all in place but he has his foot in the door and its opening at least. Im so excited that they didnt say no! They are interested in it also! See none of this would have gone this far if we didnt go up on Tuesday and talk to the tech from the states and she is going to push for this also. She is really excited about it. Everything is for a reason and maybe this is Jacobs 'mission' in life? Who knows eh! I feel this is sopossed to happen and Jacobs purpose here is to help teach and educate Canada on other ways of ventilation.
WOW eh!
So that was the good news! Other then that not much happened there. We got to see alot of nurses that know Jaocb. We couldnt walk down a hall without someone stopping us to say hi and see how Jacob was doing. He is a star! The ride home was ok. It was still a little slick and messy out there. I had to stop and get a coffee off the highway I was so tired I was falling asleep. Going into the drivethrough I even jumped a curb and went the wrong way into it! Yup I was really tired. Shannon had a good laugh over that one! We got home safe and sound and Jacob and I were just exhausted! He didnt nap and was up at 6 am wed so he was tired. We got a great sleep Wed night and then had a nap with him on Thursday. And Im still tired. I just have no energy anymore. Must be the weather. I think we are all caught up on our sleep now.
Jacob is back to drooling all the time again and needing suctioning throughout the day again. His eye teeth and a few molars are trying to make there way through and its causing the rosey cheecks and diareaha too. Poor guy!
Thats it for now. Ill keep you updated!
I am the mother of an angel. Im the proud parent of one of Gods little angels. What an honour to be a mom to such a special little boy! I couldnt be more proud of my children! I cant even tell you what it feels like to have sooo much love for one little person. I wish you all could meet Jacob and see his personality. Me and Scott were talking about this last night. It doenst do Jacob justice just to write about him and show pics. I have to figure out a way to get some videos on here. I gotta call that guy that was going to put his newsclips on here soon!
Love and hugs,
Angela
Monday, January 24, 2005 12:00 PM
Well the trip to Toronto was cancelled today! We got Jacob all ready and cleaned up in the tub when Sick Kids called and the sleep technition that was going to look after Jacob called in sick. So its rescheduled until tomorrow night.
I am glad that we didnt pack everything up already. I wouldnt have been happy to get there and then have been sent home till the next day! Oh well better that they called before we left.
Jacob is doing pretty good! He had a better day yesterday and so far today is doing really well. His teeth are coming in more and more and everytime they erupt a bit more and come down a little more his secretions bother him again.
Shannon came here bright and early this morning with coffee and was all excited for our road trip. And Scott got here last night also, after he took Kyle home.
I added some bath photos upabove! He looked too cute to not post them!
Have a good day, Ill let you know on Wed when we come home how it went!
Angela
Saturday, January 22, 2005 9:20 AM
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Update 8:30 PM
Sorry to update that after this mornings update Jacob had a really bad crash. Mom took Alyssa to dance this morning and when they got back we were all sitting around talking and then Jacob started to get red in the face and sweat. Then his heart and 02 just plummited. I unhooked him from everything and placed him on the crib and started to work. I coughed him and suctioned him and nothing. Mom was saying Ange, his heart and 02 are REALLY low! I told her to get the bi-pap on while I worked. I put his pappy over his nose for a few breaths and then coughed and suctioned and man it took like forever. I thinka bout 10 minutes. Finally we got him stablized. I didnt want them to know how scared I was at the time. Amazing how quick he can crash and every second counts. He has been so good and hasnt crashed for a long time. So we kept him in the crib in case we needed to do some more stuff with him. Before his nap I thought Id get him ready and maybe cough him again. I had to fill the humidifier on his pappy anyway. He was only off for about 10 minutes and he started to crash again. Again it took forever to stabelize him again. Im not sure if it was a plug or not? If it was I didnt get it out??? Maybe he swallowed it or inhaled it??? No idea what really happened. Needless to say he was pooped after it happened. My parents left a little later so I could get him to sleep. Then just as he was about to go to bed my brother and Shannon came here. So they visited and shannon got him to sleep. They stayed till about 4 pm and Jacob was still sleeping. He didnt wake up till a little after 5 pm so you know it totally wiped him out from the crash. Poor guy.
He needed the rest from the pappy. Now when hes awake he is fighting the pappy. So I took him off for a bit and he seems ok. Because of his long nap I dont think he is going to sleep much tonight. So I think Ill camp out with him on the couch so that he can be close to me and I can nap while he is beside me! LOL He is such a snugglier! Anyway he is 'ok' right now. If he isnt great by mon Ill cancel the trip to Toronot. Icant risk something happening on the way there in the van with just me and Shannon. So we will see.
We are getting hammered with snow and extream cold right now. Hope everyone is staying warm and safe.
Ange
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Thank you all so much for the prayers for Brianna! Im sure her mother Corrine really appreciates it!
Jacob has been really pretty good the last few days. He is sleeping better! We have been busy all week here. On the 13th we had our second appointment with rehab to look into the stander for Jacob and the power wheelchair and other things. So far it doesnt sound too good. Sounds like its going to be a fight to get baby bear all the things he needs. But I wont get discouraged. I was a little after they left but Ill get him all the things he needs. There is lots of fight left in me! Ill keep you updated as I hear things. But the power chair... because we live in an upper apt we cant even get it started. So Ill be pushing for the stander and switches and adapted toys first and when we finally get the lower apt we'll get on the power chair.
We leave Monday for the sleep study, we have to be there at 9 PM. Not really sure on getting there. I cant take an ambulance as I have to bring the stroller and stuff and it cant fit into the ambulance. So we are taking the van and he will be in his EZ on vest. I just hope and pray the weather holds up and we can get there safe and sounds. We are in another winter storm today. They are getting another 30 cm of snow so hoping its over when we leave.
Jacobs left lower eye lid is giving him problems! His eyelashes on that eyelid is sticking up and into his eye. Me andhis nurse yesterday tried everything to get them to stay down but they just wouldnt! His eye is bloodshot and it must be soo irratating for him. I feel awful knowing how one eyelash bothers my eye and he cantrub it or anything. I hope that they stick back down sometime today. It must bug him something awful.
Thanks for all the comments on his first haircut photos. He reallly does look like a little man now eh! So cute!
Well thats about it for now. Nurse Tiffany will be here tomorrow so we cant wait to see her! It feels like forever since we have seen her! Im excited and know Jacob will be once he sees her!
Talk to you all later!
Ange
Tuesday, January 18, 2005 10:00 AM
Also I added his haircut photos up above! He looks like such a little boy now. All his curls gone!
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Im very sorry to inform you of a dear friends beautiful daughters passing. Breanna passed away at 4:21 am this morning. She was such a fighter and inspiration. Please visit her guestbook and show Corrine support. She will be dearly missed by so many
Breannas webpage
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Well Jacob has been holding his own really well these last two days. Ive gotten alot done with regards to his pappy issues. Sunday night he slept really well. Only woke up a few times through the night. The crib is working out great.
I received an email reply from Dr Bach and he had many suggestions to try to help figure out what is going on with Jacob. One major thing is he feels that recurrent lung collapse can be due to bronchiomalacia. This must be
looked for by bronchoscopy. So that means he needs to be intubated and sedated for that test to be done. Also he feels the pressures Jacob is on for his Bi-PAP are extreamly high. Jacob is probably not able to syncronize with the Bi-PAP. A few other things I didnt really understand so I called his Toronto chest team and they went over everything that he suggested. Dr. Bach suggested that we go to him for another evaluation. But we are going to start with a few things that can be done here to try to hopefully solve the issues he is having. His Toronto docs are amazing and will do everything to try to help us get this figured out. So next Mon the 24th we are going into Toronto Hospital to get a sleep study done. That will be the first step. He will be in a 'normal' hospital room, he already had one done to get the pappy approved. He gets hooked up to all sorts of wires and monitors to monitor him while he is sleeping and they play with the pressures and stuff to try to see what best suits him. Then in the morning after he wakes up we will see them in clinic to discuss the results. I am sort of worried about getting the broncoscope done but if he needs it to see if there is anything blocking his airways keeping that lung collapsed then it is better to have it done.
Last night Jacob was really good. His 02 didnt drop too low while he was sleeping for once. Only to 90his time. I had a nurse yesterday so I was able to get a few things done. Scott came here right after his night shift from Sun night so he was pretty tired. We both got a good sleep last night. Ill keep you updated as I hear what the plans are for Jacob. Either me or Scott!!!
Thanks for all the guestbook signings, it means the world to me.
Love, Angela
Sunday, January 16, 2005 10:45 PM
I have added pictures to page two of his photo website Check them out. Some of my favorite photos there. I have 100s more to add so keep checking back to see them. And I have to call the guy back about putting the Chex news ones up he never called me back??? And Carol Ill get those pics out to you soon ok. So sorry yours got ruined Ill try to do that soon.
Thank you all for the wonderful guestbook entries, emails and phone calls. Im trying to get back to some of the emails..it might take me a few days there were quite a few. It brightens my day each and every time I come to his website and read all the kind and caring words. I feel so lucky to have so many wonderful people coming to Jacobs site to see how he is doing. He is very lucky to have all of you as his extended family. Please give yourselves a huge hug from us. It really does mean so much to me, Scott, my family to know so many caring people come to see how we are all doing. Your all wonderful people. Even if it breaks your heart, makes you smile, frightens you, worries you, you all keep coming back to see whats up in our household. Each and everyone of you reading this post deserves something special for being such a special group of people. I think it was Julianna Bananas dad who wrote something about you all being the show up people. You all show up each and everyday like an addiction to see how we are all doing. Knowing it could be heartbreaking news, or happy, emotional. Your all amazing.
Ok now to baby bear. I have gotten so much wonderful information from other SMA moms on our chat group, on the message boards, emails and postings. I just have to wean through everything and find what is right for 'us'. Not everything will work the same for every child. It just a matter of trying to find that balance that matches us. I have given Jacob his physio in the am when he woke up, chest physio (CPT), a neb treatment (salbutamol) trying to open his airways, every 4 hours, also saline treatments in between, also doing cough sessions. Extra pappy time on higher pressures, with a higher back up rate. I am going to try him on Timed mode for his pappy instead of ST mode Spontaious mode, someone suggested that it might work better for him. Ill give that a try. Also Im keeping him on his right side more, his left raised to try to keep that lung open. I tell you its very tiring, I forgot how much work needed to be done in 'sick' mode. He has totally spoiled me with being so healthy for so long. over two months now and you get into a laxed routine. I have talked to his pappy docs in Toronto, McKlusky and his pead here in Peterborough and neither really know whats causing the low 02 while on pappy? Right now he is in a deep sleep riding the bi-pap and satting only at 89% and heart is at 68. He just doesnt get that 02 up. A mom told me that her 02 was at 93% when she was in the hospital and she felt like her chest was caving in she couldnt breathe and felt like she was suffocating. I hope and pray he isnt feeling that. He seems ok. Not fussing or anything. He sure didnt want to go to bed last night though. I was so tired today and didnt get a nap in. I hope I have a nurse tomorrow so inbetween his treatments I can catch a nap.
I emailed Dr Bach and will call Dr Schroth the American specialists in the states for SMA and am hoping for better answers as to what I could do to raise Jacobs 02 while on pappy. Is it a matter of a different bi-pap? Or a different mode? Should we try Jacob on a vent non-invasively? Will our Canadian docs talk with the american ones to fine tune the vents like they need to be to use it non-invasivley. Can I get a vent supplied if he is not trached? So many questions. Day at a time. I just hope Jacob has not deteriorated to the point that non-invasive will not due for him anymore. Of course Im ensuring that he is comfortable. He really is not showing any signs at ALL that he is sick or anything. He seems perfectly fine except for that we used to give bi-pap FOR low 02? Now he is great off and on it he HAS low 02. UGH he sure likes to keep us all on our toes.
Now about the fruity smelling breath. I could have been a few things. It wasnt keytones in his urine so he doesnt need insulin. But it could be pseudominias? (sp?) Not sure how you test for this but it is common in out kids because they pick it up in the hospital. He has been there MANY times so he could have picked it up even months ago and has carried it for a long time. Ill call his pead tomorrow and see what he thinks we can do to get him tested for this. He will need a strong inhaled antibiotic I think like Cipro to get rid of it. Or to try to fight it. Its hard and nasty to get rid of. So we shall see.
Um I think thats everything. Mom came up today to let me have a shower. He is so funny. He is so darn stubborn anymore. Just wants to watch his movies or tv now thats all. You change the channel or turn it off and he FAKE cries and whines and will not even look at you or talk to you till its back on. He even yells at my mom now too. He pays NO attention to anyone if he doesnt want to. What a little bugger eh. We always give in because if we dont he cries until he chokes and then needs suctioning and everyting. He does this on purpose. What a ham eh. Yah, ok, you wont let me watch tv??? Well Ill just cry and choke and youll lemme watch it. Ugh can you say spoiled. I wish he had his switches and adapted toys already so he could play himself He gets so bored watching us act like fools trying to entertain him. LOL He knows what he likes and wants and thats it. Thats all he will be interested in.
Ok Im tired now its 11:15 and I need to go to bed while hes sleeping.
Thanks for the prayers and advice!
Angela
Saturday, January 15, 2005 10:30 PM
We are home now. Thanks soo much for the prayers.
Its that dam left lung again. It has been giving us trouble for over a year now. It just will not stay inflated. It is collasped on the bottom lobe and if you are looking at it close to the spine on the left hand side from the top to the bottom through to half of his left side of his chest is whited out again. Not as bad as his full collapse when he flatlined and needed to be intubated. The question is...why? What is causing it? Is it just progression of his disease? Is it deterioration of his muscles. He has basically no chest muscle anymore. We can see that. What do we do. The doc actually said " thats the million dollar question"! Well no one seems to know what to do... not even the moms on my support group. Not too many kids have had this issue ongoing. Is he aspirating his secretions into his lung from him swallowing? Has it been collapsed since we left the hospital? Will it ever inflate. If it did and now it deflated how long can he survive on 1 lung? I am upping his pressures and back up rate on his pappy. See the thing is...
Its on the pappy that he has the trouble. His 02 drops ON his breathing machine. Weird. The thing thats sopossed to help him the most seems to be causing all the trouble. Hegoes as low as 85 2. The moms and I say to worry below 94 ut they (sick kids) told me not to worry not too much damage can be done with that low 02. And no not to administer 02 to him on pappy as it only masks the problem??? Well one mom told me she had to go to the hospital and couldnt breath and her 02 was at 93 So what do you do. He needs his pappy and off pappy he is 100 I am at a loss as to what to do. Im increasing physio and cough sessions and upping pressures. But what do I do? How do you deal with a reacurring collapse? Anyone ever deal with this?
Wish us luck and thanks again for the prayers. I hope that the docs are right and this is something that is not to worry about too much. We can reinflate here and he doesnt flatline like he did with his last collaspe. Thats my biggest fear I think. I came really really close to losing him almost 2 months ago now~~ still really fresh in my memory, I want to PREVENT that from happening again.
Love angela, alyssa and jacob
Saturday, January 15, 2005 12:00 PM
We need prayers again.
Jacob is going to the hospital at around 3:30 today for xray, blood gas and blood work. While sleeping Jaocbs 02 is dipping and staying as low at 85% lately. For his this is not good. He has fruity smelling breath with a touch of amonia also. This could mean keytones which means he is not digesting his food again. His low 02 could mean he has developed apnea which is expected for a bi-pap kid while in REM sleep. Or it could mean that he has a collasp again and/or pneumonia. And while off pappy he could be hyperventilating to compensate for teh low 02 and that could/will make his c02 rise. So not sure whats up. We are going in per Sick Kids request to our local hosp with reverse precautions to try to make sure he doesnt catch anything and see whats up. Not sure what we will do if he has a collasp again. Prob intubate again seeing it worked well last time. If pneumonia then antibiotics if keytones then lower amount of food in his formula cocktail.
Ill update later when we are home or know more. Or Scott will for me
Ange
Friday, January 14, 2005 2:00 PM
Jeez the days just seem to slip by me anymore. I cant seem to keep updated with his webpage. I need to do so much to his photo website but Ill get it all done sooner or later.
I just put up some photos of Jacobs new sleeping arrangement. It is for the most part working out awsome! I love it. Everything is right there where you need it. And I dont have to worry about squishing him on the couch anymore. He is just too big for the cushions on it. His feet hang over the edges of it. But now he knows its sleep time when he goes in it. And he goes on the floor on his crate and can still lay on the couch to cuddle with mom. There is lots of different choices now. The first day he went right to sleep in the afternoon for his nap. Also the first night he went right to sleep for the whole night and he only woke a few times. I just put a chair beside him and hold his hand and lay my head beside him. I think he misses sleeping with me! The second night was not so great! He kept waking up. And last night again he had a bad night. Just wants me right beside him. I guess like any normal baby they hate new sleepign arrangements. I might let him be on the couch tonight with me as Im tired. Its hard to sleep sitting up in a chair. But I think its going to work out great. I just gotta stick it out and let him know that its bedtime and he has to go to bed.
Carol wow...a tornado warning??? Please let me know that you are alright when you can this weekend. And yup me and Scott just rented The Village on Tuesday night. He came up for a few nights this week. Tues, Wed and left thurs.
Jacob is back to needing suctioning a few times a day. Still not really needing it that much but his teeth are coming down again and he has been sputtering on his spit. So all is normal in this neck of the woods.
I got Jacobs Eddie Bauer head rest sent to us from Kim S, Charlies mom, Charlie has sma also and is 2 days younger than Jacob. She lives in the states and we couldnt get it here. So now all we need is the Hensinger one and Jacobs head will be supported really well when he is sitting up!
Thanks so much Kim. Here is Charlies link Charlie
Guess what!!!! Jacob is getting his first ever.....haircut in about an hour!!! All his lovely peach fuzz, fluffy, curly, messy hair is going to be gone. Im so nervous. He always has a beautiful bed head, because he wears his pappy hat and always lays on his head, and because his head has been shaved sooo many times for IVs that its needing some TLC. We are going to video tape it and take pics! I know but this is his first haircut and you never know right... I cant wait to see my little boys first hair cut! Wish us luck. Our neighbor Debbie is a hairdresser and said that she would do it for us. I cant wait..Im so excited lol!
Well have a great weekend. Ill update later with photos of his new due!
LOve Angela
Monday, January 10, 2005 3:45 PM
Well the rest of the weekend went well. Jacob is still doing amazing. I asked my SMA support group if any other SMA kiddoes have ever gained their swallow back? Not one of them had heard of a type 1 child not needing to be suctioned??? Isnt that weird? Jacob went for about 8 days not needing to be suctioned at all. He was actually swallowing. This is going from needing suctioning all the time. To literally nothing? You can hear him swallowing. I was worried that he would be aspirating his secreations if he swallowed. Or someone mentioned that he may not be hydrated well enough. Well he is up to the max that he can have for fluid intake and also getting flushes ontop of that. He is peeing TONS and wet mouth. Just there is nothing to suction. He isnt choking on his secretions??? Totally weird. He is clear as a button, well hydrated, tolorating his feeds. Just doing amazing. Almost like a miracle. No one has heard of a child regaining thier swallow. Or not needing to be suctioned? So I dont know what is going on but I am extreamly thankful! This is Jacobs longest bout without being sick or needing to go to the hospital. I am just amazed and thankful. He is just an amazing baby! (Im knocking on wood here to keep it up)!
So all in all Jacob is doing perfect. Except for the poop dept! Still needind suppositories.
Well as if my living room wasnt cramped and crowded enough now today me and my dad brought Jacobs crib down to the l/r where the xmas tree used to be. Im going to try to get Jacob sleeping in it! Wish me luck!
My visit with Scott and Kyle went great! Alyssa and Kyle are starting to get really used to each other and having little spats! lol I knew it was only going ot be a matter of time before they started to act that way!
If you could say a few prayers for Amy and Lily (SMA type 1 link up above) Amy needed to go to the hospital and she is a single mom taking care of Lily alone and has pneumonia, also now Lily is sick. So she is needing some prayers to help her and Lily get through this. Thankfully I have stayed overall pretty healthy. I couldnt imagine trying to take care of the kids with pneumonia. MY prayers are with them to get better quickly.
Thanks
Angela
Saturday, January 8, 2005 5:00 Pm
Ok...are you bored? lol If so then you can go to Jacobs photo website and view all his newspaper clippings! Yup there is 17 in total on there. I am missing two of them. One was an interview with Dr. Bach and I forget what the other one was about. Mind you there are lots of mistakes in mostly all of the articles but for the most part they are pretty accurate. Grab a cup of coffee! Itll take you awhile.
Jacob is still doing amazing. Still not pooping quite well on his own. After a suppository today he pooped "5" times... WOW that was a bomb! The house smells greeaattt now too! Last night Jacob slept the best ever. He went to bed about 10 and slept right through till 9 am this morning. Didnt make a peep once. Didnt need to be turned once. I couldnt believe how great of a sleep we all got. Mom came at 9 to get alyssa for dance this morning. Then he got up and played for the rest of the morning. Alyssa entertained him most of the afternoon as I scanned all the articles and put them onto his website.
As I type this I am awaiting Scott and Kyle to get here. Kyle had hockey this afternoon and then they left to come here. Me and Scott both got a few gift certificates for Xmas for our favorite restaurant Swiss Chalet. DId I tell you I used to work there for about 7 years. I went right on through from hostess- bartender- waitress- right on up to Managing the dinningroom at the tender age of 19! Cool eh! Well anyway Scott decided that since Im not feeling well, havent been for a few days that he would pick up supper so I didnt have to cook for all of us tonight. What a sweetheart eh! He hates when I say that about him so shhh! lol
Well thats about it for now. If you get the chance to rent a movie check out Little Black Book. Im a sap and cried, now looking back I dont think it was even sappy! I cry at commercials lol, but it was a really good movie!
Have a great rest of the weekend and let me know what you think about the newsarticles. I will have the Chex television news clips up next.
Angela
Thursday, January 6, 2005 11:15 AM
Sorry again for taking a few days to update again. There just is not that much to update. Thank heavens!!!
Well since all of you are asking... first mine and Scotts date went well. It was nice to get out and act like a normal couple. We went to see Darkness.... BOO BOO BOO! Believe me. I LOVE thrillers and to get scared. This movie totally sucked. We were really disappointed in it but again it was just nice to get out. As Scott says... He looks forward to seeing many many more crappy movies with me! I did jump like he said a few times. But yup dont bother seeing that movie. Not good at all and the ending really sucked!
Ok now for Jacob. He is still having pooping issues. I have to use Miralax, an american laxitive and suppositories to get him to poop. But overall he is still extreamly healthy right now. I could not be happier to have nothing to update. I had a nurse yesterday, my new nursing hours are going to be Mon, Wed, and Fri and I might start an overnight or two in a few weeks. So I did some running around in the AM yesterday. Jacob had a long nap and I went up to bed also. When I woke up mom and dad were here. They stayed till about 5 then left.
Last night I took down the Christmas tree and all the decorations. So depressing. But thankful we were home to have it! ALyssa was all into helping until about the 3rd decoration removal. Then off to the computer she went. Lost interest. Not as exciting as putting it up thats for sure.
I added some pictures above with Jacob wearing Scotts baseball hat looking all boyish and stuff! Way too cute!
I will be adding some photos to page 2 of his photo site sometime today hopefully. I have about 400 more photos to scan resize add captions to and upload onto the site! Eventually eh! Well here is the link. Photo site
Have a good rest of the day.
I hope you are all dealing with this nasty weather ok. I know in the States some of you lost power. Well now the storm is hitting us too. I hope and pray we dont lose power. Its nasty out there. Alyssa came home from school just now as the mom that picks them up doenst want to drive later in this weather. So she is entertaining Jacob for me! lol
Love and hugs,
Angela and the kids
Monday, January 3, 2005 4:30 PM
I just added our New Years Eve photos up top. Also you can see them and some other Christmas photos on our Christmas page here... Click on Christmas photos I still have some more to add but I will get to it. I went backwards with it and started at the bottom with New Years. LOL
Anyway the kids both were up till past midnight. I gave up on getting him to sleep. Alyssa would make little noises and he heard her up and was not about to go to sleep if she was still around. I put the camera on a 10 second timer and Alyssa would have to put it in the spot and run back to sit down with us. We were laughing our heads off. It was so funny! One of the pics you can see her hair all in her face! They had a blast as did I!
Jacob has not been sleeping good for me at all. New Years day was just spent the day cleaning and putting the christmas gifts upstairs and laundry and stuff. Mom and Dad came for a visit. So did Jacobs Aunt Kara. Scott came late New Years eve day also. Jacob stayed up till past two. I ended up falling asleep beside him before he fell asleep! Sunday my brother came to get Scott and Scott drove to Buffalo for the Pittsburg and Buffalo NFL game. The present I gave to Scott and Dan!!! OH someone asked what the big gift was for Alyssa it was a huge gumball machine that had over 200 large gumballs in it. You could put over 500 if you wanted to fill it! Alyssa LOVED it!
Sunday we just played all day and didnt do much. Jacob did not want to go to sleep again. He woke up at 6 when my brother got here and was up. Then didnt go to bed till late afternoon for only about an hour. Then last night he didnt want to sleep again and was up again at 6 am today . Needless to say me and Scott are dead tired! Nothing is wrong with Jacob just off schedule. Normal baby stuff. He is perfectly healthy right now. Not even needing suctioning. Just his pappy thats it!
Today I had a nurse for Jacob. When he went down for his nap so did me and Scott. Much needed nap! Alyssa was off back to school again. She was so happy. Loves shcool.
Tonight we are going for a date! Yup me and scott are going to the movies. To see a scary one. I love to get scared in the theater! lol Mom and Shannon are going to watch the kids. Ill just put him on his pappy! Taking advantage of his healthy days! Im excited. We have only been out once together and that was to his parents and to his christmas party! I cant wait!
Tell you all about it later tomorrow!
Love, hugs and prayers,
Angela
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