Ok, I think I'm ready to this...journal, not treatment.  I finally realize that I have to say it, write it, and own it. I have cancer.  I don't feel different with the exception of my body going through some weird changes and feelings.  There are pains and discomforts from the surgeries but that's not me.  I don't feel fragile or damaged, I feel like me.  
I found out on 3/4/19 that I had a rather large invasive tumor in my bladder and on 3/6/19, it was removed.  This didn't give me much time to process what was happening which was probably a good thing.  Since then, I've had a stent inserted into my kidney to relieve pressure and a blockage and just this past week, the "port" was put in in for chemo.  My treatment plan, per my request, is to preserve my bladder and I have a supportive medical team who all are on board with me at this stage.  In a couple of weeks I will begin chemo and radiation which I'm still trying to learn about and accept.
I am very scared of what I imagine the next 6 to 8 months of my life will be like, not to mention the rest of my life which will always and forever be changed.  I don't want to lose my hair, I don't want to feel so tired that I can't enjoy life, and I don't want to be poked and prodded, stuck with needles and have "poison" injected into my veins and I don't want to be "fried."  I want my Mother, I want my kids, I want my grandkids, I want my dog, I want my husband.  I WANT MY LIFE!!