Hi everyone, it’s been awhile! Today is my 1st rebirthday, meaning today is the 1 year anniversary of my stem cell transplant. I remember last year wondering how I would ever make it to this point, and I remember telling myself to just take it one day at a time, and then slowly but surely those little days filled with pain and sorrow would get a little better, bit by bit, and add up until I find myself in a much different place. Today is the culmination of all those little days, added together, leading me here. They weren’t easy, some were truly miserable, and others felt like they dragged on for years, but sure enough, here we are, 1 year later, on the other side of things.
It’s hard to put into words how I’ve felt leading up to this day. On one hand I’m so full of love and gratitude for this second chance at life. I couldn’t have imagined a better outcome for me this time last year and I feel overwhelmed by how happy I am to be where I’m at. But on the other hand it’s been hard having to unpack all of the fear and sadness and grief I was unable to process while in survival mode this time last year. I didn’t have time to cry or be scared or get angry when I went through transplant. I had to get through, I had to keep moving forwards, and a lot of the time that meant burying those feelings for a later date. So while I’m still so grateful for today, I’ve also been processing all of the grief and anger I was denied the ability to feel last year.
Monday is my 1 year biopsy appointment and next round of childhood vaccinations. If all still looks well after those results, it’ll be quite awhile before Johns Hopkins requires my presence. So what’s on the horizon? Well now that I’ve been working for a little while I’m hoping to eventually scrape enough together to move out to Baltimore. Then from there, who knows! Every day is a gift and I have lots of ideas about what to do with them, but for now I’m concentrating on what I have and doing my best to live a life that’s intentional, and completely and utterly my own.
Reflecting on this last year, on the person I used to be 1 year ago today, has allowed me to see that I don’t miss the life I was living before cancer. I lived my life always trying to be something for others, always running from my problems, never fully staying the moment, never really content with who I was or where I was going. I wasn’t happy, but I didn’t know how to fix it, and I wasn’t really myself but didn’t know how to be her. I thought if I could just make everyone think I was content maybe then I would be, but it was always an act at best. A part I played but felt little connection to. But living through this transplant and coming out on the other side has forced me to confront that, because in order to fight for my life I had to understand what I was even fighting for to begin with and to hold onto that as tight as I could. I’ve learned more about myself, my dreams, my trauma, my values, my body and my boundaries than at any other point in my life. I’ve had to learn to fall in love with life again, to envision something better for myself, because it’s the only thing worth fighting for in this world. I’ve healed and conquered and embraced and flourished so much in such a short amount of time that when I see the woman I am today, the woman I fought to keep alive, I’m speechless. Because she is everything I’ve ever hoped to be and then some. Because I wake up excited about who I am and where I’m going and I can’t remember feeling like this at any point before. Because I can honestly say now that I’m happy, and not in a fake sort of way, but in a way thats meaningful, in a way that barely scratches the surface of how much love and joy I feel and wish to pour into everything I touch.
I guess all that’s to say, it’s been one hell of a year but maybe it wasn’t all bad, and maybe, just maybe, it’s the year that saved me. In more ways than one. Thank you all for the love and support, and I’ll let you know what the biopsy results say in a few weeks 😄
Tori xx
