Dad went to the hospital on September 6th.

Dad died on September 17th.

Dad's funeral was September 24th.

I have never hated anything more than the month of September. How in the matter of 3 weeks did our lives change 100 million percent for the worse?! I have never wanted a month to never end, yet get through it as though it never happened. Does that even make sense?? Probably not. At this point, nothing makes sense.

It's so hard to put into words the way my sisters, myself and our mom have felt, and continue to feel over this time. And honestly, we're all going through it in our own way, and on our own terms. I can't speak for the others, but I have certainly reached the angry stage within the last week. I am pissed off at the world. I'm just mad. I am so mad. Mad at anyone and everything. I have a small bubble of people that I allow in, and a VERY large bubble of people that I attempt to keep out. Why? I don't know. Probably because the more people I allow in, the more I will feel. I hate feeling. I have felt enough over the last 4+ weeks and I don't want to feel anymore. Even when I am numb, I still feel. I just wish God would make the feelings stop, even for a minute. It feels like someone shot a cannon ball through my chest and all that remains is a very large, painful hole. Although the hole is filled with a billion different emotions, it is completely empty.

Everything seems so empty now that my dad is gone.

It doesn't matter how you get there, grief sucks. It really F*CKING sucks. Unfortunately there is no way around it, you must go through it. I wake up every morning fighting the inevitable. I DON'T WANT TO GO THROUGH IT!! By the end of the day I'm completely exhausted, but then dread going to sleep because I know I have to do it all over again the next day. UGH!!! I just want to scream.... I just want my dad back. We all want him back. It's been 20 days and I miss home so much that every ounce of my being hurts. Unless you've been there, you have no idea how incredibly painful it is. Then the pain turns into anger...

One second... one minute... one hour... one day... one week... one month...

I'm already trying to figure out how I can bypass Thanksgiving, and Christmas. I don't even want Max and Aaron to go duck hunting in North Dakota. Again, fighting the inevitable. Life fricken goes on, and I absolutely hate it. I'm not ready. I don't have the ability to just bounce back to normalcy. I'm scared of all the feelings that the next days, weeks, and months are going to bring. There is the first of so many things. Most days I don't think I'm strong enough to get through all of the firsts, all while trying to get everyone else through them as well. Not sure if it's because I'm the oldest or maybe because I always feel the need to fix everything, but I spend so much time thinking about all these things. Now that dad is gone... now that this is our reality...  how I am going to get myself, my kids, my husband, my sisters, my nieces, my nephews, and my mom through this... when honestly, I can barely get myself to get out of bed in the morning.

Grief is so incredibly exhausting...

I thank the Lord everyday for the people in our lives who have helped us, and continue to help us during this time. So many people, and so much love, support and prayers. So much food, and so many flowers. We seriously have the best people surrounding us in their love and prayers, and it has been so obvious in everything you have all done for us. We are truly grateful for everything, and overwhelmed with emotion in knowing how much our dad meant to all of you. He had people travel from Washington, New York, Texas, Montana, Nevada, North Dakota, Iowa... half of Minnesota, and almost all of Little Falls. I have never talked to, and hugged so many former classmates, snowmobile racing buddies, friends, former and current customers, fishing buddies, hunting buddies, former employees, people from the boating industry, relatives, etc. The amount of love and support shown was amazing. As broken as our hearts may be, we are so incredibly happy knowing how very loved our dad was, and how much people genuinely cared for him. He truly was one of a kind.

How lucky are we that God chose us as his family on earth.

Please know how truly thankful we are for all of you, and for everything you have done for us during this time. Nothing has gone unnoticed, and it was your love and prayers that helped get us through. When I started his Caring Bridge site we were hopeful for a positive outcome, sadly that was not the case. With that said, this will be my last 'Tom Monahan' post. Thank you again for everything. If you'd like to reach out to us, but don't have our contact info, please feel free to email me at elizabethmeier4@gmail.com.

Below is the link to dad's obituary, where you can watch the video tribute, along with the recording of his funeral.

Dad's Obituary

So much love for you all ❤️

Buffy