Today is Tim's first 'cancerversary'.  He was diagnosed March 1, 2019.  This has been the moment in time that everything is compared against. Before and after. Before cancer, after cancer.  Before a leukemia diagnosis, after a leukemia diagnosis.  Before, when we were just living our lives, making plans, thinking about work, home, family and the things we were going to do.  After, being plunged into the terrible, scary, life-threatening unknown world of cancer. I wish I could go back to having my head in the sand and not knowing what life is like on this side of a cancer diagnosis.  I would like to go back to thinking that cancer was something that happened to other people.  This side is so hard and the toll it takes is all encompassing; physically, emotionally, mentally, spiritually.  We have seen both the light and dark of this disease and we stand with our friends and family who are still battling too. 

Tim is now 8 months post transplant and he is looking good.  He said he is feeling so much better than he was a year ago.  I asked him if he was lying to me last year and didn't let on how badly he was feeling.  He said he was lying to himself too.  Picture 1 is him today, happier and feeling more robust, starting to do more around the house and trying to do some work from home.  Picture 2 is him the day of his diagnosis.  It was the only picture I took in those first few days of hell.  His hemoglobin was so low he was almost in organ failure. We didn't know. We thought he was just having trouble clearing a virus.  We never thought it could be something so awful. He has been through so much in between those two pictures.  

We don't like to think too much about those early days.  So much fear and anxiety, not knowing what was to come or what our future would look like.  The doctor who gave us the news that first day told us something we have held onto ever since.  He said this disease is treatable and potentially curable.  There have been many days that Tim has reminded me of what he said. We were doing all this for a cure! The bone marrow transplant was such a scary time.  But we were fighting for the cure!  There have been a lot of mental demons for all of us this past year and we are still working through them.  I think we will always have worries about the future. We know there are no guarantees.  They have reminded us of this many times.  So we try and live our lives grateful for each day and to not take anything for granted. We have hope!

By all markers things are looking very positive. There is no evidence of disease in his blood or bone marrow, his blood counts are good, his energy has improved and we are starting to see him engage and smile more. He reached a milestone last week when he was allowed to start his immunizations (picture 3).  He has to get them all again, just like a baby does. The more time that passes from the transplant, the more mature and robust his immune system will be.  He has been lucky to have no evidence of graft vs host disease (rejection reaction) and we have managed to keep him from getting sick except for one minor cold, which he got through with flying colours. We are still exceptionally careful to protect him from germs and hand sanitizer has become our best friend if we dare to venture out. We are looking forward to the spring and summer warm months.  He is hoping his balance will be good enough to be able to ride his bike this summer. 

As hard as the past year has been, it has brought us closer as a family, more connected and more open. We are so happy to have reconnected with friends throughout the year and look forward to spending time with them soon.  We have had supportive family along the way.  We realize how lucky we are that I have been able to be his full time caretaker.  I can't imagine having to have gone through this past year and worried about working on top of it. That being said we are looking forward to a time we can work again and engage with the world, to try and regain a sense of normalcy. 

Thank you to everyone who has been with us on this journey.  We appreciate the texts, comments on this page, phone calls, visits, gifts, cards and food. There was more than once when a text came in that helped us out of a dark place.  We will continue to need your support going forward but we are hoping we can help others too.  Telling our story, being real and honest about the journey and the emotions that come with it, to try and let others who are new to the cancer world what to expect.  We are hoping we can pay it forward to others.  A huge shout out to Julie, my caregiver match from the the Leukemia and Lymphoma Society, who kept me sane (mostly) and calm (sometimes) with patience and knowledge about the scary transplant process, both before and after.  I am so thankful you were put in my path to help light us through the dark.