The two most powerful warriors are patience and time. Leo Tolstoy

Back in May, I wrote a post about time. About how time keeps moving even if it feels like it’s moving at a glacial pace.  I wrote about how I felt something bigger than me, pulling me along, and I knew (and still know) deep down that this current I feel beneath me will help me get through whatever lies ahead. It continues to push me when I can’t push myself.  I am in motion and nothing is going to stop me from moving forward! I know now, that that something bigger I’ve been feeling is God. I am sure of it! And I am blessed she has given me this perspective and the ability to lean into time and let it do its thing. This doesn’t mean I don’t get inpatient or mourn for my life before cancer, but when I do, I picture a mighty river, rolling on towards its destination.  I know whatever happens it’s going to be ok, because like that river I will roll on to my destination… to my future…whatever and wherever that is.   

The day I wrote that post I was 28 days post diagnosis, and 5 days before my surgery, and I remember thinking about what the “next 28” days would bring me. Well it’s now been 146 days since I’ve been diagnosed, and those 146 days have brought me a lot. To name a few…

·       Surgery

·       1 cancerous Lymph node diagnosis

·       5 rounds of chemo – starting #5 as I type this…holla!!!

·       4 Nuelstra shots to make my blood cells regenerate

·       3 Lupron shots that put me into medical menopause and shut down my ovaries

·       13 trips to the hospital to get hydration

·       1 trip to the ER

·       58 doctor’s appointments and visits to the infusion lab (and this does not include all my acupuncture and therapy which is too much to count!!)

·       4 chemical burns from the chemo to my arm

·       Frequent tremors throughout my body

·       All the stomach issues

·       Fatigue

·       14 blog posts…which gives me so much joy

·       10 visitors to chemo!! Seriously thank you all so much!! You make chemo a chemocation!! And you will never know how much this means to me!!

·       Countless cards, texts, phone calls from friends and family near and far – It’s been amazing to reconnect with so many people!!! This is DEFINITELY the best part of having cancer. I am constantly amazed at people’s ability to reach out with such empathy and compassion. It’s honestly made me a better, kinder, gentler person. And now when I read your facebook posts or hear something is going on in your life, I genuinely pray for you and think about you. My heart and my faith is so much bigger thanks to you all!

·       Belief in myself. Belief I can do anything. Belief that my body is strong and can fight. Belief that there is a plan for me.

·       Patience. Patience that in time I will get through this. Patience has taught me to embrace time instead of fight with it.  Patience to trust that even dark times it will pass.

·       Grace. Giving myself grace when I lose my words because my chemo brain is in full effect. Grace when I can only walk 2 miles at 2 mph and become exhausted. Grace when I lay in bed all day because I am too tired to do anything.

·       Faith. Faith that God is good. Faith that if I give this over to God, she will give me the peace I crave to get through my days without crippling anxiety (I still get moderate anxiety, but it’s not crippling anymore). Faith that if I just let go it will work out exactly how it’s supposed to.

·       Empathy. I have allowed myself to feel deeper than I ever have before. I always knew it was there, I was just scared to let myself feel so deeply. To sit in my own and other’s pain. To really listen and really share in the feelings of others. I let myself feel their pain, their suffering, their joy, and through that I’ve been able to connect with people in a way I didn’t know was possible. The new friends and just random people I’ve connected with on this journey has brought me immense joy.

Those are the highlights from the past 146 days. I am looking forward to the days ahead! 21 days left until I am done with chemo which is a HUGE reason to celebrate. I still have a lot ahead past chemo, but hey I am ready to celebrate this part of the journey being over!!

Tolstoy was onto something when he said the most powerful warriors are time and patience. They are indeed powerful, but I think he missed one. The survivor. The survivor uses patience and time to come face to face with their fears, face to face with what’s not serving them in their life anymore, face to face with reality no matter how harsh. And they take a step, it doesn’t matter how big or small…they take it. I know now, that I am a survivor, and that’s the greatest gift the past 146 days has given me.

As always thank you all for your love, support and kindness!!

XOXO-
MC