Happy Birthday Gnocchi!!!
We made it one years old!!😄

Fair warning: this is a very long post. And while I am writing to mark Gnocchi's first birthday - yay🎉 - this post is mainly about me.

Gnocchi is recovering from her surgery well and although we've had some rough sleepless nights recently, overall she's coming back to her normal self and we are incredibly grateful! She is starting to babble more and the sound of her voice is the most beautiful thing I've heard! She loves music and perks up everytime we start dancing😊  She is Olive's biggest fan😏 We are SO happy she's in our lives! So happy this surgery is behind us! And so blessed to be her parents❤ We love you our precious "dumpling" more than words can say!

Even with the excitement of her birthday, for me there is also such an overwhelming sense of sadness these last couple of days as I think about the last year. I am keenly aware of this day one year ago and the shock of having the doctors walk me through, head to toe, all the congenital abnormalities and the concern of a possible rare genetic syndrome just a few short hours after holding her in my arms. 

I can't imagine my life without this amazing little girl and I am so in love with the person she is becoming...and, this last year was nothing like what I expected our first year with "baby" to be. Honestly the this whole coronavirus has personally paled in comparison to my experience of handling Gnocchi's needs and the anxiety of keeping everything together for her care. 

I've been to over 130 drs visits and therapy sessions this past year as well as letters to drs advocating for sleep studies and feeding evals, iron checks, spinal x-rays and the like. We've had two significant surgeries with hospitals stays. I cannot even count all the visits, applications, many...many phones calls for billing and medicaid and WIC, etc. And, I am very thankful for these services - AND - it has been a job (we just finished ironing out the last bill in August).

Aside from the hefty medical schedule, there was also typical newborn care and, not so typical aspects like lying awake listening to her snore at night but always waiting for the pause, then the gasping for breath. Trying to hold it together emotionally while she choked down every. single. bottle. crying and struggling to breathe as she ate - knowing I'd have to do this six more times that day. Feeling guilty that I couldn't keep up exclusive pumping and watching her miserably go through constipation issues as we found a suitable formula. Orthopedics stressing that we keep her in braces 24/7 while she developed an awful sore on her heel and trying everything possible to help her heal so that we did not have to start all over with casts again. And most recently, just praying that when she was under for such a long time in surgery that the Lord would please bring her back to us --
And he did...exhale 2, 3, 4.

There has just not been downtime, and it's been very hard to work through how much these experiences have impacted me. And while she has come through with flying colors - many praises to the Lord!! - I can tell I still feel quite broken under the surface. 

And because we do not live in a bubble, there was also the coronavirus happening, and impending career instability plus a Coding bootcamp for Paul, and more family "togetherness" time than anyone ever hoped for with no end in sight😉
Our marriage was by no means perfect before but as many of you have experienced it hasn't been helped by isolation. And those of you who know Olive or have heard me talk about parenting Olive know that she has two modes: refreshingly delightful/creative and very, very challenging. So we just oscillate between those two extremes all day😉

Wow...as I am writing I am in awe that I am still standing. 
I am also aware that I do not want to continue to live in the shadow of this year... It has been weighty. But that does not need to define me or our family. We can be creative. I can develop new ways of being that bring me joy and thus help me to offer the best of me to my family. It will take time to process through some of the traumas of this last year but by the grace of God healing and new life is possible...with God all things are possible (Matthew 19:26).

Lastly, I do want to say thank you to all of you. Because, admittedly this year has been a "doozy" (aka Groundhog Day😉) but I don't know how we would have made it through without you! You all have made meals, dropped by with care packages, donated as the bills poured in, took Olive out/dropped by with crafts and gifts for Olive, prayed, called/texted to say you cared...without you I would be in such worse shape! The Lord has been so very good to us...you, His people have come around us, and Gnocchi is developing and progressing beautifully. 

We are so grateful!
And Happy Birthday my sweet Gnocchi
❤Emily