3 years ago I had a stiff neck and headache. I pushed through the pain and got Max ready for school. I cuddled Eleanor with her sleepy body snuggled in my arms for just a minute and then I headed back to the hospital. I stopped for a drug store breakfast of a protein drink, bean chips and ibuprofen. I sat in the Dallas morning traffic and pulled into my parking spot at the hospital. I swear it was reserved for me because it was the same one I parked in just a few hours earlier and everyday prior. I was exhausted and I took just a minute to sing along with the song I blasted through the speakers of the minivan. I didn't want this reality and my body ached from the emotions and constant survivor mode it was forced to live in. Cortisol rushed through every inch of my body and kept me going because, that is what it is supposed to do. The body does what it needs to do to survive but it can only do it for so long. It writes those physical and emotional feelings down and they are forever imprinted in its structure. I didn't realize I would feel those exact physical aches at the exact times in years to come.

Today, my body is living 3 years ago. I feel the ache in my neck, back and shoulder as if I am transported back to the present day in my past. I don't need a calendar to remember the steps I took into the hospital 3 years ago today. My journal has long been stored away but the memories resound in my body year after year. I ache with the disappoint in the doctors and the false hope that everything was going to get better. My body rereads the chapters I have already been through. It reminds me that I need to slow down and not fight what it remembers. I need to feel the tension that strained my muscles when talking to the doctors. I feel the heartache of seeing my husband and father of my children starting to deteriorate again. I am reminded that I need to give myself compassion and sit with the present pain that was stored in my body from the past. I realize now that healing doesn't mean it all goes away, healing means that I embrace what I am feeling because I know fighting it means it will persist. I know why my body aches right now. I know why I am so angry with sadness. I understand my irritability and overwhelming exhaustion. I know that my past is demanding to be acknowledged in the present. I know that it will pass even though it is so very painful right now. The kids feel it too. They are not sleeping and they have the stomach ache that comes with worry. They are not worried about the present but their bodies presently feel 3 years ago. They are learning that this is why our bodies are so amazing and our souls are forever connected with daddy. We feel every feeling of our past as if it were happening right now. We do know the end of that chapter though. We know these aches and the sadness as a part of us. We know that we are still so very sad and confused but we also know that life is not a destination and is not always happy. We now know that acknowledging the pain we have lived through has made us who we are today. We know the ache in the marrow of our bones is real but we know the origin of it. We know that sadness and joy can live in the same body at the same time. 3 years later, I know how the conclusion of that chapter. I have felt it many times over and over and lived each moment all too often. I know that the pain will weave together threads of our life. Death was sewn into our lungs and exhaled into our life. Even though our bodies remember each and every stitch, our next chapter reveals the beauty being created with each moment. Death is part of everyone's portrait but the brush strokes occur at different times during the process.
So today as my sleepless aching body feels the pain from days gone by, I embrace it and let it feel the seams it created. I respect and honor the feelings weaved so intimately in my tapestry. I patiently embrace the unhappy ending of that chapter I re-live. I appreciate that endings are not happy but with each ending comes a new beginning.