Hi All,

It’s been nearly four months since I found out that I was cancer free, and in some ways it feels like years and in others like it was just yesterday. The last time you heard from me I had just received the good news that I was cancer free and was about to start radiation, a process I expected to be tedious but uneventful. I couldn’t have been more wrong. 

Radiation ended up being a really hard time for me with painful side effects. My esophagus felt like it was torched inside out, and I was unable to swallow anything (including water) without intense pain. I was on an all liquid diet for nearly three weeks and it was all I could do to get enough calories down to help myself heal. Before each meal I would swallow “magic mouthwash,” a medicine to numb my throat. I would then pack as many calories into a smoothie as I possibly could because I knew I could only force myself to swallow so many times in a day. I had to sleep and rest sitting up because the radiation had triggered a severe case of acid reflux (which I have never had before) so every time I lay flat the pain doubled. Pain meds, tums, Paul and the Star Wars Saga got me through this time. I was in a dark place. Not that chipper, glass half full chemo patient that I had been months prior. I decided not to write about it at the time because it was just too depressing. I was really struggling with the fact that I knew I was cancer free but was still going through this terrible experience. I kept thinking “why did I sign up for radiation?” I was supposed to be celebrating and starting to get my life back. There was no epiphany here or something that made it feel all worth it. We just got through everyday and eventually my scorched esophagus started to heal and by the end of May I was able to eat solid foods again. 

Pretty quickly the dark cloud from radiation lifted and we threw ourselves into doing what exploring we could. We spent several weekends in June camping and found that disconnecting from the world was just what we needed. In just a quick 1-2 hour drive we found ourselves in some of the most beautiful and dense forests we have ever seen. Sleeping under the stars and cooking dinner on an open fire brought life back into us.

In June my hair also started growing back. Paul and I spent a lot of time looking at my scalp, excitedly waiting to see the first little baby hairs start to poke through. Back in May we decided to buzz what hair I had left down to around a half inch. I regretted not doing this earlier but I had been holding onto that piece of myself, my hair, my identity. It wasn’t until everything was buzzed that I realized I was really into this new me and it was fun for Paul and I to take turns buzzing each other's hair. Never in my life did I expect to hand Paul a hair clipper and say “go for it.” I am no longer shocked each day that I look in a mirror, expecting long hair or a ponytail. I finally feel comfortable in my skin again, content with my new look. 

It was hard to lose my hair, easily one of the toughest parts of the process. You are going through this really uncertain time while simultaneously losing part of your identity. It has a way of stripping away your vanity like nothing else can. I felt like it was hard to show my femininity; to not wonder when I walked down the street, do these strangers know I am a cancer patient? Earrings, scarves and bandanas could only make me feel so good about myself, but they were a really fun way to temporarily showcase my personality. Now that my hair has started to come in, I have gained my confidence back and my sass has come back with it! My short hair seems to be the same texture, waviness and color that it was prior to falling out which was something I was worried about. I have no idea how to manage or style short hair so I will need to get some professional help sometime soon. Paul’s career of being my barber will be coming to an end. 😏 

I was finally able to see my family in July, as well as Paul’s sisters. We took a three week road trip to Wisconsin with a quick pit stop in Estes Park, CO. The emotional reunions were a reminder that they had all been feeling our pain deeply from a distance and to be near each other again brought peace and reassurance. I feel full and rejuvenated after our trip; my heart is so happy and my belly is stuffed with as much cheese as I could fit. We plan to embark on a road trip to Texas in December and anxiously await the opportunity to spend time with Paul’s family and complete our reunion circuit. 

On Thursday I closed out the final chapter of my treatment journey: my port removal. Having that foreign object removed from my body was something I had been highly anticipating. It was a quick 30 minute surgery and the recovery is very manageable. When we got home from the surgery and Paul was tending to my needs, I told him that I miss him being my caretaker. Although the days themselves were long and uncomfortable, I really enjoyed the endless hours of time spent with Paul just surviving the day. Paul replied by saying, “I love being your caretaker, but I do not miss you needing care.” I couldn’t agree more. The journey has been hard, complex and beautiful but I am ready for a new journey, one that Paul and I are both healthy and strong for. 

As I continue on with my life, I will stay attached to my cancer team for years to come. I will have frequent check-ins to monitor my health, my first one being next week. I will have a baseline CT scan then meet with my doctors to talk through results. They will be able to detect any growth or abnormalities through the CT scans and will order additional tests if they have any questions or uncertainties. I will continue to have these check-ins every three months for the first year and a half, after which point they will likely spread them out to every six months. Although it is hard going back into the cancer facility, I am looking forward to seeing my doctors and sharing my progress with them. They were our guiding light during the worst months and I have the deepest appreciation for them and the role they will continue to play in my life.

I intend for this to be my final journal entry and want to thank you all for following along and keeping me in your thoughts over the last several months. I started writing these journal entries for you, a way for me to keep those dear to me updated. It turned out to be mutually beneficial and a therapeutic way for me to work through my thoughts and feelings. Talking about my cancer experience has been really positive and is something I realize I need to do in order to understand how it impacted me both physically and emotionally. I want to process it all and keep the lessons I have learned top of mind. I also want to move past it while continuing to stay humble. Time will continue to heal my body and the memories will fade but I will never forget the love I felt from all of you, my beautiful support system. Paul and I send you our love and our most sincere thanks. We hope you are staying safe and we look forward to celebrating with each and every one of you when we are able. 

All My Love, 

Anna