Yesterday I had a bit of a bleeding scare. So far everything is okay. It seems my body was telling me that I needed to relax and take it easy. I have to keep reminding myself that I had major surgery. It is sometimes difficult to remember when everything looks okay on the outside. I have been incredibly fortunate as I have not had any pain, just soreness. More than anything, I am just wiped out. I spent the first week living on the couch. It was actually quite wonderful. I was able to nap, watch TV, and enjoy the quiet. As week two came along, I started to get antsy. I miss Riley and there are things I feel like I need to be doing. It has been challenging finding that balance. The problem is, on days that I feel good, I over do it. Don't worry mom and Mama C, I am not doing anything that I really shouldn't! All I mean is I get up and move around a lot. I take a longer walk, I try to cook. I do the dishes or fold laundry until Robert catches me and tells me to stop. I feel good and I feel lazy just sitting on the couch. Well, my body yelled at me and told me to knock it off. Needless to say, it scared me. I spent the entire day on the couch. I had a headache and was emotionally drained. Then I broke down...

I am a sensitive person...let me be honest...I cry VERY easily. Like, I see a dead animal on the side of the road and I want to cry. If a man cries on television, I lose it. I tear up during songs that have a personal connection to me. I have cried in front of my students. Truth is, if you are reading this, you have probably seen me cry at some point. I find it very interesting, because when it comes to my cancer journey I really do not cry. I don't know why but I just don't. So every once in a while I break down. When I started bleeding yesterday (randomly after almost two weeks from my surgery) I was reminded of what I went through. Not only the surgery but the reason WHY. F***ing cancer man. I lost it and I was ANGRY. I was angry for what cancer has put me through and what cancer has taken away from me. It took away my breasts, my nipples, my lymphnodes, my ability to have children and to grow my family. It took away my hair...chemo wrecked havoc on my skin, my immune system. I am YOUNG. I am 35 years old and in menopause. It gave me hot flashes...omg the hot flashes. They are vicious...it is an indescribable heat that travels up my body, leaving me sweaty and then cold. Guys, I don't have a general practitioner. I have an oncologist. I have to go for blood work, follow ups, and tests. Cancer gave me daily medication that I have to take for the next 5 to 10 years. Cancer taunts me emotionally. It has given me a fear that will NEVER go away. It is a time bomb that I am just waiting to go off. When will it come back? Not if...when? So, I was angry. I sat on the couch and ugly cried. Robert came over and just held me. It was exactly what I needed. I told him that it is okay for me to be sad, angry, and depressed. He just listened and then in typical Robert fashion, he made me laugh. He made me laugh so hard, I didn't have room for any more tears. It was exactly what I needed. I felt like a boulder was lifted off my shoulder. 

This morning I woke up to teach. I was getting changed and paused to look at my scars. Boy, does my body tell a story. When I saw all my scars, I saw strength. I choose to not carry that anger with me. See, it's okay to get angry. For a short time, I embrace it and let it take me where it needs to. For that short time I hurt and I mourn all that I have lost. Then I move on. This morning I looked at my body and felt like me. Being positive does not mean being happy all the time. It just means you can look beyond the bad and find some good. It means that you know strength can also be found in your weakest moments. 

I want to send a quick thank you to Meagan. Thank you for being the amazing doctor and friend that you are. You have a rare gift of truly listening and explaining. You are calming, compassionate, and big-hearted. You are simply incredible and I love you!