Journal entry by T Roberts —
I made it through #5 out of 6 treatments. How does it feel? Honestly, it's exhausting. I'm incredibly tired this time and the metallic taste is back. So I'm resting a lot and taking it easy so my body can recover the way it needs to. I bad at taking it easy. I always want to be moving forward, but my body demands rest and retreat from the world right now. Sometimes that gets lonely, and makes me sad.
I've been thinking a lot about the the future and what's ahead of me. One more treatment. Getting my body rescanned to see if the cancer is gone or just smaller. Finding out what type of surgery I qualify for. Then having surgery at the end of June and preparing for 4-8 weeks of recovery time. Then starting the hormone treatments and radiation that follow chemo and surgery.
This whole experience is a long haul. There are milestone moments, like the upcoming completion of chemo, and a surgery a date. But in between there's just a bunch of discomfort to sit in and walk through. It gets overwhelming. Today is a gray and rainy one, which is helpful for resting but not so much for my mood. It's a bit of a down day. Those happen, especially after treatment days when I need so much rest and can't do the things I want to do.
I didn't ask for this. In fact, I've spent years changing my diet, practicing Pilates, learning to weight train and to eat cleaner. It feels very unfair to have had 3 rounds of chemo in my 47 years of life. That's why I have decided on a double mastectomy. I never want to go through this again. But I'm also scared of the changes to my body and whether I'll be happy with them. If I'm honest, I'm really scared. The closer surgery gets, the more fear I'm experiencing. Probably because there's still a lot of unknowns until my rescan results come back. Only then can we make a solid plan. Being in limbo in an awful feeling.
So for now I pray, I rest, and I try not to let my fears run away with me. My faith is bigger than my fear, but it still gets wobbly now and then. If you pray, please pray for my whole body healing, for answers about surgical options, that I can pick the best surgical team for the best results, and an ease to my fears. Thank you for coming along on this journey through the blog posts. I'm always surprised how many of you are reading them and being my cheerleaders! Thank you.
I've been thinking a lot about the the future and what's ahead of me. One more treatment. Getting my body rescanned to see if the cancer is gone or just smaller. Finding out what type of surgery I qualify for. Then having surgery at the end of June and preparing for 4-8 weeks of recovery time. Then starting the hormone treatments and radiation that follow chemo and surgery.
This whole experience is a long haul. There are milestone moments, like the upcoming completion of chemo, and a surgery a date. But in between there's just a bunch of discomfort to sit in and walk through. It gets overwhelming. Today is a gray and rainy one, which is helpful for resting but not so much for my mood. It's a bit of a down day. Those happen, especially after treatment days when I need so much rest and can't do the things I want to do.
I didn't ask for this. In fact, I've spent years changing my diet, practicing Pilates, learning to weight train and to eat cleaner. It feels very unfair to have had 3 rounds of chemo in my 47 years of life. That's why I have decided on a double mastectomy. I never want to go through this again. But I'm also scared of the changes to my body and whether I'll be happy with them. If I'm honest, I'm really scared. The closer surgery gets, the more fear I'm experiencing. Probably because there's still a lot of unknowns until my rescan results come back. Only then can we make a solid plan. Being in limbo in an awful feeling.
So for now I pray, I rest, and I try not to let my fears run away with me. My faith is bigger than my fear, but it still gets wobbly now and then. If you pray, please pray for my whole body healing, for answers about surgical options, that I can pick the best surgical team for the best results, and an ease to my fears. Thank you for coming along on this journey through the blog posts. I'm always surprised how many of you are reading them and being my cheerleaders! Thank you.
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