Last fall, when Theo was having a hard time with the transition to preschool, he used to cry every morning when it was time for us to leave. “How do I be brave?” he would ask. We would always walk him through the same steps: “Take three deep breaths, give Blue Bunny a hug, and tell yourself ‘I’m okay.’”

I’ve asked myself this question over and over since February. HOW. How do I get through this? How do I be brave? It echoed through my head again a few weeks ago, as I stood before a group of our close friends and family, Blue Bunny in hand, to give Theo’s eulogy. 

I’d always said I didn’t want to have a funeral for him. It just sounded too dreadful, I didn’t think I could bear it. But when he died 4 days before his 4th birthday party (on Nov 4th), we knew we had been given an opportunity. The party was already planned. Vendors were booked. Family from across the country was flying in. We knew we needed to turn Theo’s birthday party into a celebration of his life.

And - it was so beautiful. Green everywhere, Theo’s favorite color. Lots of tributes and speeches. A breathtaking song from Rachel and a gutting video from Mike. Plant potting and rock painting for Theo’s garden. Tacos. Cocktails. Bluegrass. Tears. Theo told us many times that he wanted a “water truck cake” for his birthday so… that’s what he got. (Yes, I too had to google it.) All of this was made possible by my friend Elissa Kalver, who, along with Eric Kalver and their foundation We Got This, hosted the event in their yard and basically planned the entire thing. Just astounding generosity. To everyone else who helped out - I cannot thank you enough.

Yesterday marked 4 weeks since I last held my boy in my arms. We are trying to be brave, every day. The kind of bravery that’s the opposite of stoicism, the opposite of numbness. Crying bravely. Feeling bravely. Planning for the future, bravely. Looking to Theo, always and forever, to show us how it’s done.

💚