I am so grateful for the many people who attended Stuart’s memorial service in person or online. Some were unable to do so but asked for the link, so here it is Special Events on Livestream. I so appreciated everyone who participated in the service and blessed us with words of love and encouragement and truth. I’ve been repeatedly listening to the 22 minute prelude of hymns played jazz style (which Stuart would have loved) and watching the video Ian put together (which is at the end of the service).  

Stuart lived 40 years in Michigan and then we moved to the Chicago area for 15 years as I pursued seminary and lived into my first call as a pastor. Almost 16 years ago, we moved to Vienna to live and serve in ministry. Stuart had never lived anywhere but the Midwest, and neither of us had ever considered moving to the East. 

This past summer I went on a Celtic pilgrimage and wrote a number of blogs about the Celtic for the congregation I was serving. I have been contemplating once again the Celtic word for pilgrimage, which is peregrinatio.

Esther DeWaal writes in her book The Celtic Way of Prayer, “Peregrinatio is not undertaken at the suggestion of some monastic abbot or superior but because of an inner prompting in those who set out, a passionate conviction that they must undertake what was essentially an inner journey. Ready to go wherever the Spirit might take them, seeing themselves as hospites mundi, ‘guests of the world,’ what they are seeking is the place of their resurrection, the resurrected self, the true self in Christ, which is for all of us our true home.”

When we left the Midwest to follow God, we didn’t think of our move as a pilgrimage, but now as I look back I see that is what it was. Like the Celtic peregirini (wanderers), Stuart voluntarily left behind family, land (the places where he had grown up and enjoyed so much of his life), and the comforts of the world in order to follow God wherever he would lead. The move was a sacrifice he made willingly, but it was a kind of journey, a pilgrimage that was not what he had imagined, but it was the door the Lord opened for us, so we walked through it.  

We knew this was where God was calling us to raise our children and to live and serve in a new church community. It is the place where we have experienced that inner resurrection where we have been led into what we didn’t already know, repentance and restoration, dying to the familiar, and finding new life. In this place in community with others, we have experienced God’s grace transforming us to live more fully the new and different life he had already given us through the life, death, resurrection and ascension of our Lord Jesus. We have been changed both individually and together as a couple, which we needed. God is good and faithful, and I thank him for his love, grace, and mercy in our lives doing for us what we could not do for ourselves.

But neither of us expected Vienna would be the place of Stuart’s resurrection—the place where his earthly body would die and he would be ushered into the glorious presence of our Lord Jesus and “into an inheritance that is imperishable, undefiled, and unfading” (1 Peter 1:4). He is in his true home with God where death has been vanquished, and there is no more mourning and crying and pain for God is making all things new (Revelation 21:3-5).

The day after Stuart’s memorial service, I concluded one journal and started a new one.  This is symbolic as we begin a new chapter in our life as a family without Stuart’s physical presence. It’s not what we want, but it is what it is. Over 40 years ago as I began to walk with the Lord, he gave me Isaiah 41:10: “So do not fear, for I am with you; do not be dismayed, for I am your God. I will strengthen you and help you; I will uphold you with my righteous right hand.” 

Though I am in new circumstances as a widow, single mother, and looking at an uncertain future, I can remember with joy and gratitude how God has proven himself faithful over and over. I have so many experiences that have revealed God’s grace is sufficient and his power is perfected in weakness (2 Corinthians 12:9). There really is nothing that separates us from his love in Christ Jesus our Lord—not even death itself (Romans 8:39).   

I have also been remembering Stuart and our life together as a family. The importance of remembering was affirmed in a reading this morning from Frederick Buechner: “When you remember me, it means that you have carried something of who I am with you, that I have left some mark on who you are. It means that you can summon me back to your mind even though countless years and miles may stand between us. It means that if we meet again, you will know me. It means that even after I die, you can still see my face and hear my voice and speak to me in your heart. For as long as you remember me, I am never entirely lost…. ‘Jesus, remember me when you come into your kingdom,’ the good thief said from his cross (Luke 23:43). There are perhaps no more human words in all of Scripture, no prayer we can pray so well” (Whistling in the Dark, 100).

So this is my work and that of my children and all who loved Stuart . . . to remember with gratitude who he is and to give thanks for his life. And to remember and rejoice in knowing Stuart’s life is not over, is not past. He is more alive than he has ever been enjoying the fullness of life as it was always meant to be in the presence of the Lord. 

Still, the pain of grief is real and something that should not be rushed or brushed aside. “Pain that is not transformed will be transmitted.” So I will be giving it time and seeking to help Nate and Ian do the same. I trust the Lord will bring healing and help in finding our new normal of living life without Stuart. Each of us has an uncertain future ahead, and Stuart was such a grounding presence, support, and guide. We will miss him so much. But I cling to the promises and truth of his word: “For surely I know the plans I have for you, says the Lord, plans for your welfare and not for harm, to give you a future with hope” (Jeremiah 29:11). 

Thank you for following Stuart’s cancer journey. Thank you for your love, care, and prayers for him and our whole family. We are deeply grateful. Though I will no longer be writing on the CaringBridge, we do covet your prayers for us as we grieve and look to God as he continues to lead us, individually and together, where he wants us to go. I do hope to resume writing a blog on a personal website sometime in the future, perhaps after Easter, and will share a link then for those who may be interested.

 “The Lord bless you and keep you; the Lord make his face to shine upon you and be gracious to you; the Lord lift up his countenance upon you and give you peace” (Numbers 6:24-26).