Today Steve will head down to the Mayo for a COVID test and that's it. Kind of sucks, but at the same time has to be done before surgery. If all is well and good, he'll go back down tomorrow (Wed, 11th) to complete his surgery. 🎉

We've talked about it, and in all honesty this is one of those things that is better for Steve to do on his own. It's not a fun surgery. It's not a fun recovery. He has wonderful nurses, doctors, surgeons, everything, down there to help him get better and make sure he's where he needs to be before coming home. Standard time in the hospital is 2-5 days. So I'll be able to go get him anywhere from Friday - Sunday. 

Now that's out of the way.... (TW - suicide, depression)

I want to get really honest here. I was talking to a friend recently (you know who you are) who said one simple word to me that made me cry my eyes out, but also confirmed something I know we've been missing out on. A lot. 

Community. 

Yeah. We've kind of sucked at that the past few months. Like, big time. And for that I apologize because it means we've left our community hanging and not as active and loving as we once were. 2020 was a really tough year. Then thrown into 2021 with surgery has made things even tougher for the both of us. We've both been struggling a lot mentally, physically, emotionally. It's been rough to say the least. 

My social media has been filled with cute family pictures, updates for Steve, uplifting comments to friends, "likes" and "loves" but in reality, we've been struggling now more than ever. 

We made a huge decision last year to move out of our first home that we lived in for 9 years, and into the home we moved into will be our forever home. The process of that was 100% God. We had so many huge prayers answered. But none of that came without its stress, arguments, and tiredness. Then adding on the kids school schedules being so disrupted and trying to do school online, while both of us were working from home. It felt like a tornado was constantly surrounding us.

We also lost some really wonderful people in our lives last year. Steve lost his grandma and his grandpa and never really got to say goodbye. We had to put down our buddy Moe, Steve's 4 legged baby, who almost made it to 16. We've lost friends to suicide and overdosing and some really tragic stuff during COVID. We also watched as our friends and loved ones lost their families and friends too. It has not been easy for anyone. 

The BLM movement and issues around police brutality brought up a lot of childhood issues for me that I thought were squashed. No. I'm not black. Yes. I have dealt with police brutality. I feel what the community is so angry about from the depths of my soul. I feel why they are so mad. Its something I've been angry about for 27 years. I thought I had dealt with my own issues of anger. I thought I forgave the person who hurt me so bad. I thought the memories and terror I experienced were gone. I really thought I was ok. All of that brought up other memories of my childhood that hurt. Things I had never healed from. I hadn't truly dealt with any of it. And it made me so depressed and anxious.  I lost myself. 

I won't lie, there's been a few times where I've called in complete desperation to friends, my family, and to the suicide prevention hotline. All while crying out to Jesus and for some reason not feeling seen or heard and left behind. 

And then surgery. Oh man. Being a caretaker is hard. Shout out to all the caretakers and nurses and loved ones who do that day in and day out. I truly don't understand how you do it and keep it all together. 

I know there are so many other people out there like us right now and I'm not saying our situation is the worst or hardest by any means.

It has not been easy. It's also been no excuse. 

There is a rainbow after the storm. 

The good news is, I'm in therapy. I'm also on medication for my anxiety. If you know me, I hate taking any kind of medication. But when my therapist of 20+ years tells me I need it...well...I'm going to listen to her. Steve is also going to be getting therapy. He's said himself this surgery is going to be more mental than it is physical and we fully understand the importance of making sure he's in the right headspace as he heals. 

From here on out, we're going to be better. We need our community. We need our people. We miss all of you terribly. I hate that we haven't been "ourselves" but it's truly taken us hitting sort of bottom before understanding what was missing all along. And thank you to the friend who pointed that out. A word from God that I needed to hear. And thank you to all of our friends who have been pushing us to go to church. Please don't stop pushing. 

This chapter of our life is closing. Surgery will go great. Steve will heal. And we will get back to being a family again who tickles the heck out of each other, makes silly dad jokes, goes sledding, skating, has family movie night, but most importantly finding ourselves, and our community again. 

Prayer Request

Prayers over the next 2 days are for successful surgery and for Steve to be able to heal quickly and easily. That his spirits be lifted and through this we can start to find some sort of "normalcy" back in our lives.

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And finally. A lovely pastor of ours had told me a song quite a few months ago that I HAD to listen to. This song has ripped my heart open, sewn it back together, held me up when I was down, and helped me find myself again. I know it's been played a few times at church and I kick myself every single time for not going, when I KNEW it was going to be played. But, thank God for the internet where I can rock it at any time. Take a listen. I hope it helps you and heals you the way it has done for me. 

I'll never be more loved than I am right now
Wasn't holding You up
So there's nothing I can do to let You down
It doesn't take a trophy to make You proud
I'll never be more loved than I am right now
......
You are Jireh, You are enough
Jireh, You are enough
And I will be content in every circumstance
You are Jireh, You are enough

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Ok...really...FINAL thing. 

If you are struggling with mental health, please reach out. Whether it's me, your friend, your sibling, your parent, a random stranger. It is worth it. YOU are worth it. Your life is worth the phone call or text to someone saying you are struggling. And that's totally ok. And it's also a first step to healing. ❤️

Suicide prevention hotline: 800-273-8255
https://suicidepreventionlifeline.org/

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With all of our love...

The Olson Family