My frustration level has peaked today and I’m finding that my emotions are really raw.  To be quite honest, when I feel this emotionally overwhelmed over my situation I either sleep, binge tv shows or eat my feelings.  I think we’re all familiar with finding ways to numb out when things are hard.  It’s also easy to choose these routes when I’m constantly having physical symptoms as well as the emotional.  Today I felt God asking me to do something different.  Today, I’m going to sit with God and write through my emotions.  I’m going to attempt to work through them instead of avoiding them.  I need to lament my pain to the Lord.  

After a particularly stressful day Don and I had an errand to run.  Our 19th anniversary is coming up in May.  It’s not exactly a milestone anniversary, but because we’re not sure if I’ll be here this time next year, we’re treating it like it is.  So a few months ago Don bought two anniversary bands for me.  They were perfect - sparkly, dainty and a symbol of love from the man I’ve loved for over twenty years.  Except they couldn’t get the sizing right twice now.  And that’s why we found ourselves at the mall today.  I typically hate going to the mall anyway because walking long distances is really difficult and I’m usually limping an hour or two after we start walking.  And I don’t know what it was about today but I was especially aware of all the healthy women my age that were also out and about running their own errands.  But they aren’t on strong pain meds and they don’t need to be accompanied by their husband (or a driver) everywhere they go.  These women are not terminally ill like me.  They looked like they were coming from the gym or doing regular mom things - their to-do list looks utterly different than mine!  Without realizing it, I was ruminating over all these things and just how un-freaking fair life can be.  Then I got back to the car and realized that I had missed a date with a friend I’ve been wanting to catch up with.  This is where everything came to a head and I realized that I had spent every waking minute of my morning thinking about cancer, death, grief, mourning…just everything no one ever wants to think about.  This makes me think of 2 Corinthians 10:5 “and we take every thought captive to make it obedient to Christ”.  We have to be very aware of the thoughts we allow because our thoughts take root in our minds.  Once they take root they can change what we believe or how we act.  If we make our thoughts captive to Christ we’re asking Him to help us to guard our thoughts against things that will ultimately harm us.  I need to replace my negative thoughts with positive thoughts, not to mention thoughts that are factual, because we all know that feelings aren’t necessarily facts!  All of this takes intentional work. 

Since my last cycle of chemo I’ve been having difficulty finding enough alone time to connect with God.  That and my lack of “introvert time”, the time alone I consider sufficient for keeping my introvert engine running has made it hard for me to keep a godly perspective on our situation or even be in a good mood.  (I don’t know about the rest of you introverts, but if I don’t get enough time alone I’m pretty darn cranky!)  I’m know my lack of time spent reading the comforting and challenging words of the Bible and less time spent praying contributed to my little meltdown today.  

Once the word “cancer” entered our lives, new fears made themselves known.  Dying wasn’t necessarily a fear of mine, as I’ve mentioned before.  But living daily with the knowledge that you’re going to die is definitely a mental obstacle to say the least.  Your body is going to deteriorate, your family is going to suffer, and you’ll have to suffer through many medical treatments… all of these burdens fell on my shoulders.  Dying is a lonely process!  Family and friends can spend time comforting you, taking you to doctor appointments, caring for you and meeting all your needs in your final days, but dying?!  that’s a very solitary process.  There has been no one I could talk to that is also experiencing this.

A while back I was having a particularly hard time with balancing all my fears (apparently this is a theme!) when a friend sent me a message out of the blue.  I hadn’t told her how despondent and alone I was feeling.  She told me she felt compelled to send a message to me.  Summed up, her message was “Jesus knows your pain, he knows what it’s like to suffer alone  and fear the pain of death.”  There was so much more to her message that was personal and specific, so I know this was no coincidence.  

This song, beautifully describes how our God is not a god that stands in judgement, expecting us to break our backs earning His love and salvation.  Jesus felt every human experience during his time on earth.  He grieved the death of a friend, He was rejected and mocked by many including the religious leaders of his day, and eventually He suffered a crucifiction.  He is a God who weeps and bleeds and he always understand us and comforts us with the arms of a loving Father.

https://youtu.be/MOYjMPHgUBg?si=lcjxLuF3kiYxFozG