Paula’s Story

Site created on March 29, 2020

Life changes instantly when you are told, "you have cancer."  The journey from DISCOVERY to TREATMENT to RECOVERY can be long and arduous I am told, requiring courage and hope that I pray I can find if not daily, then often.  My plan is to gather my family and friends close to me as we move through the challenges cancer deals while celebrating the victories, big or small, together.   

At the time I am writing this, we are all separated by social distancing, not exactly the environment needed for my hugging personality.  I am recently retired - this was not my retirement plan.  I do know that I am not in charge, that God is in charge of this, my Seffrood Life. 


Click on 'Journal' to follow my journey. 

Newest Update

21 April, 2024 - I Really Don't Know Why, At All

Journal entry by Paula Seffrood —

"Joni Mitchell's ~ Both Sides Now captures a fleeting moment, an essence or an emotion too tender and specific to name, giving generations a language to express themselves. Now in her 80's, this track she laid in her 20's remains relevant. Throughout her career, as she’s returned to ‘Both Sides Now’ to rerecord it or perform it, each year seems to bring layers of added feeling and meaning to the track. Already a flawless composition, able to express the universal feeling of living and learning but yet feeling like you still have no idea what it all means, the song only gets more powerful each time she sings it.*
* author Lucy Harbron / UK

I hear the song every time I watch my favorite movie, Love Actually. But it wasn't until last month, when very vulnerable that I actually heard. All this time I really didn't know why, at all. 

Rows and flows of angel hair
And ice cream castles in the air
And feather canyons everywhere
I've looked at clouds that way

But now they only block the sun
They rain and snow on everyone
So many things I would've done
But clouds got in my way

My return from our Amazon adventure reacquainted me with all the stress those brown waters as well as the Carribean Sea had washed away.  I came home to days of laundry, over 600 emails to delete, forward or return, and cancer scans. A small price to pay for blissful quiet days at sea enjoying the excursions of each day. The temperatures around the equator also quieting cranky old joints without arthritis relief. My right leg found walking even more challenging when confronted by 7'swells as I clung to every rail making my way forward or aft. But the returned stress? I really didn't know why, at all.  
 
I came home to broken expectations. Friends and leaders who, not seeing the chicken for the egg, destroyed an important path, leaving those most passionate to serve the need to create a new path. Starting over. I really don't know why, at all. But I've looked at clouds from both sides now.  I prefer my life with cloud illusions, but I have lost my naivety, and I am tested strong. 
 
I've looked at clouds from both sides now
From up and down, and still somehow
It's cloud illusions, I recall
I really don't know clouds at all

Moons and Junes and Ferris wheels
The dizzy dancin' way you feel
As every fairy tale comes real
I've looked at love that way

My new path has new faces and voices, much what God must have wanted for me, I presume. So, I continue this walk of life, leaving the old and familiar replacing it with what's not yet written. 
 
We love those we share our every passion with 
But now it's just another show
You leave 'em laughin' when you go
And if you care, don't let them know
Don't give yourself away

I've looked at love from both sides now
From give and take, and still somehow
It's love's illusions, I recall
I really don't know love at all

I can't say this new path doesn't leave me with angst, grief from the loss of familiar. But it also leaves me excited to take it and I step out in faith, sure in God's plan for me. 
 
Tears and fears and feeling proud
To say "I love you" right out loud
Dreams and schemes and circus crowds
I've looked at life that way

But now old friends are acting strange
They shake their heads, they say I've changed
Well, something's lost, but something's gained
In living every day

I know that what I share with you is obscure. Just know that the specifics don't matter. Just know not to underestimate me even though I really don't know why, at all. 
 
I had a chest scan in April and a brain scan is scheduled for May. Results don't really matter. God has me in His hands; Jeremiah 29:11 — For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the Lord, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.
 
I've looked at life from both sides now
From win and lose and still somehow
It's life's illusions, I recall
I really don't know life at all
 
Songwriters: Joni Mitchell. 
Read More of the journal titled " 21 April, 2024 - I Really Don't Know Why, At All"
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