I've thought about this blog more than usual lately.  I've given thought to whether it is because I miss writing, whether it is because it's October and 'pink' stuff is everywhere or because two years ago today is when this part of my life started.  

But the truth is that I think of this blog because I have mixed feelings about it.  On one hand I want to completely move forward from cancer - which would mean the end of the blog because everything is 'ok.'  The reality is that life since Spring has had hard moments - and so many more incredible moments that I cherish.  

Hard moments....rather hard days and weeks.  Meaning the fear of cancer returning has consumed more mental energy than I expected.  I've read enough about life after treatment and that anxiety can stay and sadness can come as you process all that you've experienced.   I often look at strangers at Target or people I see while out running and think I bet so many others are also dealing with something hard they or a loved one has experienced.  I am not alone.  I appreciate the comfort in that and find it a silver lining from my experience.   Pain and fear can be buried.

For me, the fear of recurrence.  My Oncologist told me that if I have back pain, pelvis pain or bad headaches that do not go away with OTC pain relievers to contact him.    I've had back and pelvis/hip pain since January.  I reached out to him then and attributed it to a sit up challenge.  A nurse told me to just stop exercising so much for two weeks and see if the pain improved....I reluctantly backed off and things improved.  But then, it was May and June and my back was hurting along with my pelvis.  I would do something as simple as jumping jacks at the gym and it would hurt.  I sent another MyChart message to my Onc and he said,

"To be honest, all of the symptoms you are having can be seen if cancer comes back.  But the most likely reason for Sarah Siedschlag to have these symptoms is all the athletic activity she does all the time!  The only way to make you feel better may be getting a CT Scan.  I think all your pain is from your athletic activities so I don't need it to take care of you.  But you may need one to feel better What do you think?"

What did I think?  well, I would lay in bed at night and think please, please, please do not let this be cancer again.  I would think.....Dr Bloom is right I DO work out like crazy and I AM getting older and chemotherapy DID put me into menopause so technically my body feels much older....so I MUST be fine.    But WHY am I in so much pain?  I've done yoga all week and that usually helps ...maybe I should swim?  maybe I should take more anxiety meds?  stop looking at IG because you follow so many cancer related accounts,  remember all the techniques you learned on how to deal with stress from your amazing therapist....actually, that reminds me ...I need to SEE my therapist! :)   

Typing the paragraph above makes me laugh because I exhaust myself!  I should add that post chemo Sarah strives to do and think more....I was a muted version of myself for so long that coming out of the post-cancer treatment fog put me into overdrive in all facets of life.  

Schedule an appointment with my therapist.  Check.  I saw her late Summer and we talked out the reasons to get a CT and why to possibly not.  It was clear to me that I needed to get the testing.

CT scan (from upper legs to neck) was done late August.  The results came through on MyChart about two hours after the scan.  I was laying on a blanket at a park waiting for Mal to finish school.    I gave myself a pep talk ('you will be ok no matter what the results show') and opened the message.  I was OK - no evidence of metastatic cancer.   Massive relief.  

I am sharing that story because I've committed to being honest on this blog and I think it is important to share what life can be like after treatment and surgery ends. 

Along with the scary parts over these past 6 months, I have had so many wonderful days.  Rooted in time with Janie, Mal and Cam.  

Two years ago today, my life forever changed.  I sit here today in my house with the windows open, I hear birds outside, I'm listening to Bon Iver on Spotify, I'm drinking a Guava LaCroix and I'm rushing to finish this blog post because I need to pick up Mal from school.  We are going on a walk around Brownie Lake (she doesn't have hockey tonight) and then I'm picking up Janie from swim practice.   Cam just got home from Milwaukee so we will have dinner and then maybe watch 'The Great British Baking Show' on Netflix.  Life is good.  Really, really good.

Thanks for checking in.  Wishing you all a healthy and happy rest of 2023.

XO

Sarah