Hi friends and family,
Just wanted to say hi and happy new year. Thanks for the continued support as we close the doors to 2018 and start a new chapter of strength and healing. My arms and chest are recovering well. I have full range of motion now thanks to much needed rest this fall and physical therapy.
My boss graciously accepted me back this month part time, and my fellow nurses have been exceptionally awesome with my transition back to the bedside. They called me “family” on my first shift back, which made me cry like a baby because they hardly know me! It’s just a testament to the healthcare providers at Cleveland Clinic and the beautiful L&D staff that I am lucky to surround myself with. It’s actually been quite nice to put my energy back into laboring moms and newborns, opposed to cancer. How wonderful to be around the sweetness of babies, new parents and the miracle of life.
My daily radiation is getting old but I’ll take it over chemo any day! I’m tired and tan on one side of my body, but overall it’s a cakewalk compared to what I’ve been through. Radiation itself is pretty strange. They plug my nose, I wrap my lips around a breathing apparatus that monitors my respirations, and then I wear glasses to watch my breath work. I deep breathe in and hold for 30 seconds while they radiate my left chest wall. There’s a target that they want me to hit with my inspiration, which pulls my heart away from my chest, so that the radiation hits my tumor spots and not my heart. Kind of scary to know that if I breathe incorrectly the organ that keeps my blood ticking could be zapped, but I am doing my best to leave fear at the door. When I hear the radiation machine start to buzz, I close my eyes and envision Superman’s lasers eradicating any left-over cancer in my body (and yes we’re still on a superhero kick at my house so Superman is just part of my daily life now too).
I’ve been reading THE CHINA STUDY, a book given to us by a dear friend of Greg’s (that promotes a whole food plant based diet, amongst many other things) and I recently watched a documentary called HEAL which my dear friend turned me on to (that discusses the importance of a healthy mind for healing the body, amongst many other things). I would highly recommend both the book and the documentary to absolutely every human on this planet. We may not all have cancer, but we all have something!
Since June, my life, as much as I tried to stay positive, revolved around being sick. And as much as I wore my Wonder Woman shirt and tried to do the right things, I was filled with fear, especially when it came to my radiation treatment. I found myself crying a lot, praying a lot, and kissing my boys as if maybe I wouldn’t get that chance tomorrow. Why on earth, if my cancer was not found in my breast biopsy, did they need to blast my body with more toxic shit. Is that not overkill, will I get cancer down the road from my radiation treatment now? There are certain things that we are powerless over, but if I wake up every day feeling destined to get sick again, I will get sick again. From this day forward I want to wake up and choose health, it hurts too much to choose sickness. I want to be grateful for every minute of every day, I want to be grateful for my cancer.
My new mantra is I can survive, I will survive, I am a survivor.
I LOVE YOU.