Dear family and friends,

It was exactly a year ago today that I was told I had cancer–first by an ultrasound tech who spoke to me in Portuguese and used the word “lesions” to describe what she had found on my liver. She said it so casually that I was able to convince myself that I didn’t have the language skills and must have misunderstood, and was therefore able to extend my ignorance for another 12 hours until it was stated to me in language I could not deny. 

Today, my oncologist called my lab work beautiful, the state of my abdomen beautiful, the stability in my scans beautiful, and told me to go celebrate. My last infusion was January 31st. Since then, my tumors have not grown or spread, leading her to recommend that I continue holding off on treatment in the hopes that my immune system is doing what it needs to do. I need to constantly remind myself that I am not not doing anything to treat my cancer; I had one particularly unsubtle dream recently that someone was screaming at me “you still have so much cancer in you!” The “doing” has been happening through several infusions of intensive drugs for a year now, and that action is having an ongoing and positive effect. I will continue to check in with my oncology team every three weeks and scan every nine weeks, with the possibility of returning to this clinical trial if the need arises. We went out for pizza tonight to celebrate.

I’m now in a place where I am beginning to process some of the heartbreak of the past year. It was brutal, for me and for all of you who care about me, and I am so thrilled that I get to share good news with you. 

Just a little anecdote that’s been dancing through my thoughts recently: last week I went to an appointment and it took a moment for the receptionist to recognize me. I told her not to worry, that it made sense because I’d recently chopped off all my hair (oh yeah–I chopped off all my hair!) and she said “no, I’m just not used to seeing you by yourself!” Isn’t that wonderful? My care team rarely, if ever, sees me alone, because I am literally surrounded by loved ones. Love that for me. 

Love,

Sam