Dad died just over a month ago and it's been hard for many reasons. Life goes on with a new normal and I feel his absence almost continuously. Freya's First Communion was yesterday and it was the first real event with him not sitting alongside watching it with the rest of us. Daddy always brought cake to events. We asked Freya what kind of cake she wanted and I was going to go get one for her, but she didn't want a cake. Anna insisted on bringing her "Piggie" toy, one of the last presents from my dad, to church with us. I drove down to Edina and back to Forest Lake to bring my mom to the church and lunch at our place. We both commented at the exit to Dad's apartment that we didn't need to go that way today. After I dropped my mom back home afterward, I was on I-94 and happened to look up at the very moment I was passing Our Lady of Peace. I just lost it after that and it was another 40 minutes before I got home.

My mom is convinced my dad's spirit is in her apartment and doesn't visibly manifest itself to avoid scaring her. However, he turns on the lights and locks/unlocks the door. Whatever comforts her is fine with me. I'm more worried about signs of dementia in her case. She's never been the sharpest tool in the shed and always required things to be repeated, but it somehow seems worse. She's repeating the same question very shortly after asking it. Yesterday I was about to drop her back home and she remembered she didn't have anything prepared for supper, and then I just walked her up and down the aisles at Cub trying to figure out what else she needed. When I got her back home, I saw that her monthly meds needed refilling but there were some pills that weren't taken, too.

For the past four weeks, I've been staring at the pile of thoughtful cards and gifts from the funeral. I've read them all and I'm very grateful for your generous support and your kindness through this ordeal. I can't bring myself to take the step of depositing the gifts yet or to writing the thank you cards I bought. It's a simple, practical step - but it feels like acknowledging the reality or finality of all that's happened.

Another difficult, practical step would be taking my dad's furniture out of his apartment. I have my dad's keys as well as the keys the management company granted at my dad's request while he was alive and that they completed a background check on me to do. However, when I stopped by after he died to pick up a suit for him for the funeral, the management said they would change the locks and I was not to return without a court order. I have all the paperwork that my dad signed naming he as his next-of-kin, executor, power of attorney, etc., but I haven't gotten around to getting the court order because I can't bring myself to look at the death certificate. I can barely cope with the grief, let alone the anger I have at the management company. I'm a champion at avoidance, but it's not going to be a viable option for long at all.

It just feels like adding insult to injury that strangers have access to my dad's stuff and I don't. Most of it he gave me and moved out before he went into hospice, but there's a (now) dead plant, some books that are actually mine (we shared), a bed and blanket that are actually mine from my childhood, pictures of my kids, and I also wanted his graduation stole. I guess this is the adult version of how Anna keeps the stuffed pig toy he gave her close to her at important times. We cling to what we have left, and it really is very frustrating when strangers take away that option.