A couple weeks ago, in conversation, I referred to myself as 32.  That night, as I lay in bed, I did the math and realized that being born at the end of 1988 actually makes me 34, not 32.  I laid there feeling legitimately confused.  How had I forgotten two years of my life?  I tried to remember my last two birthdays. I couldn’t.  The last two years of my own existence are a complete blur.  And honestly, that tracks, because today Ruby and Vivian are two years old.

Today marks two years of Ruby and Vivian’s  brilliance.  It also marks two years of me being a bit of a mess, two years of me barely staying afloat as I twist and turn and mold my life around them.  Have I lost a little bit of myself in the process?  Maybe.  But life is long, and there will be times for more of me.  Right now, I am theirs.

I remember two years ago today. I remember the surprise and heartbreak.  I remember the sense that I had failed.  Most of all, I remember the terror, the deep fear of what the future would hold for Ruby and Vivian (and me).  I remember crying so hard I couldn’t speak. I remember this all with gratitude for the mercy that time grants by making memories hazy

I remember one year ago today, Ruby and Vivi’s first birthday, as shaky and timid but celebratory.  I pushed myself to try to think of them as healthy.  I pushed myself to try to celebrate the girls’ growth rather than dwell on the fear I still held.  I remember being happy with how Ruby and Vivian’s first birthday went.  It was joyful, But everything still felt foggy, like the clouds had barely parted.  I remember thinking, “this is infinitely better than last year.”

Today, I walked into Ruby and Vivian’s room singing happy birthday to them.  I was greeted by two smiling, bouncing toddlers.  We have been singing all day.  Ruby and Vivian are playful and talkative and opinionated and loving.  They are healthy and curious and hilarious.  I keep thinking to myself, “this is infinitely better than last year.”

I will say that our lives continue to be hard in unique ways.  Ruby has a lot of physical challenges that require her to work much harder than I wish she had to.  When she gets sick, she is often hospitalized and the retraumatization of those hospitalizations has been debilitating at times.  But nonetheless, today I am blown away by both girls’ progress.  I keep thinking: if birthday two is infinitely  better than birthday one which was infinitely better than the actual day of birth, well,  I like that trend.

Back in our hospital days, I sang Ruby and Vivian my favorite songs.  These days, we mostly sing “wheels on the bus” and “The ABC’s.”  But today, I challenged myself to think of a song like I did back then.  It came to me quickly, since Taylor Swift has been on my mind.  There’s a song she helped write for a band I otherwise don’t know.  It’s called “Two is Better than One.”

So maybe it's true

That I can't live without you

And maybe two is better than one

But there's so much time

To figure out the rest of our lives

And you've already got me coming undone

And I'm thinking two is better than one