Journal entry by Deanna Williams —
It’s my birthday today. My very first one without my Daddy being earthside. You’ve been on my mind a lot lately. It’s been nice to re-watch the videos, look at all the pictures, and play the songs that we recorded (thank you, Brian). It’s been nice to talk to Mom and see the glimpses of Snapchat videos that my cousin sent me. It’s been nice to plan Christmas with my brother and get a nice birthday greeting from my sister. It’s been awesome to hear from my kids one at a time. I am very blessed.
Lately I’ve been watching Dr. Pol on animal planet. This show has been a catalyst to remember and think about things I haven’t visited in years. The episodes with calving are especially reminiscent. They remind me of the wonderful times on the farm when I followed you everywhere (probably getting in the way) and got to see, learn, and help with so much. Pulling calves, feeding calves, that one little guy with scours that we fought to save in the back porch and basement. I used to walk trap lines with you and even learned how to skin a muskrat (I don’t think you wanted me to practice on something more luxurious 😂😂). We dipped ducks and gathered chicken eggs and walked beans and I got to ride on the tractors, in the back of the truck, and on various lawn tractors, snowmobiles, dune buggies... you were my example, my teacher, my hero, someone who always took time to teach me and listen to my endless stories. You understood me and how I move in the world at a level I couldn’t appreciate when I was young but I am so grateful for now. All I knew is that with you I felt safe, at ease, and accepted.
I was painfully shy in many situations growing up. I cringed at loud voices and harshness, I didn’t fight back or stand up for myself, I often faded into the background... life was confusing. I learned the hard way that some adults will hurt and take advantage of little kids. I am so grateful that despite the unfortunate things that happened in my childhood I had the example and the standard of knowing what a father, a husband, and a man should be.
At various times during my life I may have stumbled along the way or picked the wrong partner who couldn’t live up to what you taught me. I may have tried to fix bad situations too long and allowed myself to be more hurt in the process. I may have forgotten that I should be around people who value me, but in the end I knew what I wanted and needed because of you.
I miss you but I’m happy for you at the same time. Happy that you are disease free and no longer in pain. I pray for Mom every day as she re-defines her life without you by her side. What I’m feeling pales in comparison with how she must be feeling. That gift you have to connect with, understand people, allow them to be in their own space, while gently guiding them to be capable and strong... is amazing and rare. Merry Christmas in Heaven and May all of us here on Earth remember the beautiful things that you brought to us.
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