I was so excited for this day last year. What hopes and plans I had for it. 

Two years ago today we left the house early, a dear friend and neighbor staying with the girls until grandparents came for them. We headed to the hospital for your planned surgery to remove your left kidney and the giant tumor that engulfed it. God was so near and healing you - the surgery went better than expected and you were back at it 6 weeks later!! 

One year ago I was off on a field trip in Tampa with bubba, the girls were with Tracy. You headed in for a brain MRI to figure out that darn neck pain that had been plaguing you since January. As I got to Tracy’s house you called to say you were out of the MRI and I said I was going to sit with Tracy for a little while and hit the road later - we’d have the steak dinner to celebrate a year cancer free the next night when everyone was home (that menu is frozen in time in our fridge). A few minutes later you called to say they were sending you to the ER. Tracy and Abby and I had us loaded in the van in under 10 minutes and I was rushing to be by your side. It was a brain tumor. What? How? 

Today I sit on our lanai as I have done nearly every morning since you died - talking to you and God. Grieving. Crying. Filling our time with mostly one sided conversations (let’s be honest, we know each other well enough many times I know your response and can laugh at it or solemnly nod). This morning I thought about that steak dinner to celebrate and it hit me in a new wave of this grief that has ground me to a pulp this year - a space the Lord will surely use to rebuild me more in His image?  It hit me - the cooking all died with you - there is a hole there that can’t be fixed. I’ve cooked for years thinking how you’d like each dish seasoned, what you’d like and what I’d have to just smile and understand wouldn’t be your thing :). The special dinners, the huge laugh, the sense of a complete family, the love you held us in, the schedule you held us to - I grieve it all. Every part of you I love and miss.  Even the hard parts that ground on each other. 

Robert Tyler Watrous - you are still today and  maybe even more so the love of my life. My very best friend. The most incredible dad to these precious four kiddos. The most handsome man I’ve ever laid eyes on. The funniest person I’ve ever met. The most godly person I’ve ever had the privilege of learning with and from. I’m forever grateful to be your girl. Forever in love with you. And I will miss you until the day I can crash into that long arm hug in heaven and be by your side in eternity. I love you with my whole heart for my whole life.