Here’s an update.

I miss Rob. Dreadfully. I miss his whole self. For some reason I miss his wrists. His pretty hands and feet. I miss his smell. I miss his hair that I used to cut. I miss his sweet heart. I miss his brains. I miss his kindness. I miss his work and genius. I miss how responsible he was in all things. I miss how he absolutely loved me. I miss how secure I felt around him. I miss his straightforward honesty. I keep telling people at work how he would turn our ridiculous, anything-but-user-friendly computer charting program that I kind of loathe into something amazing and simplified. And he wouldn’t rest until he got it done because he believed in the importance of nursing, and helping people! 

a patient came in yesterday that was the same age as Rob, and it really crushed my heart. 

a patient and his wife came. He had suffered a terrible injury and is declining so….bad. And his sweet, smiling, positive wife was absolutely incredible with him. Doing everything for him as he could barely shuffle down the hall with his walker, running into corners, groaning, not sure which way to go, she has to sit by him to prop him up so he doesn’t fall over. And she holds him up, happily, cheerfully, because she loves him.

I’ve been there. And that crushed my heart to see. I could hardly sit through the visit, watching this. Living through it all over again. But I would do it all over again. I would do it again and again, if it meant buying more time with Rob. 

i Think of all the things, all the nightmare, all the fear, all the sleeplessness, all the pain, every moment an uncertainty, and the terrible, ripping, cutting, agony as we held each other as he died. 

and the incredible beauty I witnessed and unspeakable joy I experienced when I knew without doubt that Jesus came, and carried him Home. HOME! To suffer no longer! Home! 

that is sacred ground. These experiences, are sacred ground. Holy ground. No one should ever. Ever. Cross it. 

and then some weights, some chains were clamped to my feet only hours later that dragged me down, down, into an abyss, into an ocean, deafening, drowning, heavy, so unbelievably painful, so disgusting. Satan was quick to show his unmerciful, ugly face. 

But the enemy of God will never win. He may seem like he is winning a battle. Battle after battle it seems, but he never wins. He is defeated. And the beauty of Jesus overtook the shadows and shone His beautiful light. And if we just remember to cling to Jesus, He will keep overcoming and shining His marvelous light. 

I never imagined how painful, how difficult, this road is, and how badly my heart literally aches and burns to this day. I still ugly cry. 

I say this for widows and widowers, since no one else can possibly know this kind of thing. I see now why they always sort of.. disappear. They don’t want to talk about it. And they are smart not to. And honorable. Because the world, the living world, of people going about and getting on with their lives, is not always a friendly, understanding place. And I am so sorry. 

people can be unbelievably cruel. 

They can kiss your face and then spit in it, too.  They have really good aim with rocks as well. Big ones. Unbelievable. Right at your head. Leave you buried, and go , quite happily, along their way. 

before I met Jesus, I was a lot of things. My heart was black as black can be.if people knew, they wouldn’t come near me. They wouldn’t touch me. But Jesus! Did! He reached down and cleansed me and made me whole! New! Clean! Redeemed! His! His Spirit in me! He loved me and saved me! 

That’s why I can’t stop talking about it! What wondrous love is this that I do not deserve? 

I am so glad I can trust and believe every word , from the the Word Himself, Jesus, is true!