I’ve had many days leading up to the 1st anniversary of Ron’s death to marinate in the loss, sorrow and grief that encompasses my existence, left behind without my other half. I have been changed and am changing. I am no longer a wife--I’m a widow. I’m no longer a business partner--I’m a sole proprietor. I am no longer part of a parenting team—I’m a single mom. I’m no longer a “we” with a purpose and dreams of the future—I’m an “I” with an identity crisis.

It is almost like I’m living in an alternate universe. So much has changed in this one year. Ron’s passing, my injuries, Covid-19, social distancing, quarantine, shutdowns, riots, election turmoil, a new year, a new administration. Deep feelings of loss, uncertainty, imbalance, fear, trouble and confusion flood into each day and I continue to try to build a wall that can hold it all back. But I cannot construct such a wall. I am not in control. I need Jesus. I need to recall His promises, to hold tightly to His Word and live by faith.

Jesus was with us as we traveled to Watertown that night. I can imagine God’s own sorrow knowing what was to come. Jesus was with us in the moment of the collision, through the hour we were trapped in the car, in the moment I was rescued and certainly Jesus was holding Ron as he breathed his last earthy breath and opened his eyes to heaven. Jesus was with me during the night in the hospital where I was oblivious of my circumstances but He was working to heal my body. He was with our children and family as they waited. He was with me the moment I became aware of Ron’s passing, when the darkness settled around me.

Without a doubt, Jesus was with me in each moment, he carried me and held me up. He is still walking with me. Jesus has already gone before me and prepared a way. He will reveal glimpses of light in this darkness until I see daylight again. I trust Him. I stake my future on His promises and the words of Scripture. I have experienced His faithfulness.

The constant “help in times of trouble” is God. Psalm 46:1 Who are we that God loves us so much? Who are we that he died for us so that we could live with Him forever? Who are we? Besides needy and selfish and sinful? We are loved! We are special! We are created in God’s image for a purpose! We are cherished! We are children of God and as believers in Jesus Christ as Lord, we have His Spirit to lead us and guide us all the days of our lives and into the eternal promise of heaven! Jesus is our refuge, our strong tower, our light in the darkness. We can count on His strength, His comfort, His peace!

Everyday is a new opportunity to walk in His ways, to love one another, to praise Him and to experience His joy even in difficult circumstances. He will not leave us nor forsake us.

My life is forever changed. But I have life, I have Jesus and I have hope! I trust in who Jesus is and how he will write the rest of my story. Though challenged it will be, I know God is faithful and God is good.

May you also trust in Him for each day’s practical, physical and spiritual needs. Trust in Jesus for your future, for your life everlasting. Surrender your control. God is big enough, strong enough, worthy enough and compassionate enough for all of us.

“I can do all things (which He has called me to do) through Him who strengthens and empowers me (to fulfill His purpose—I am self-sufficient in Christ’s sufficiency; I am ready for anything and equal to anything through Him who infuses me with inner strength and confident peace.) Philippians 4:13

Jesus bless you, Renee