So you have learned your loved one is a victim of domestic violence. Or perhaps there has been no actual violence, however you notice that she has beaten down, walking on eggshells like she is afraid to put off a chain reaction by claiming herself. Perhaps she stopped wearing clothing she enjoys. She has given up hobbies, abandoned friendships, and can be much more remote with family. If you are like most, you wish to help. You need to help your buddy snap out of it and ditch the dud. You would like to admonish her for putting up with being abused. Perhaps you need to introduce her to a person better. You would like to shake her by the shoulders and shout,"What do you think you're doing? You're better than this!" You are not alone. Then again, neither is she. Domestic violence, also called intimate partner violence, which affects one out of every four women in the United States at a certain stage in their lifetime. Back in 1996, it had been the chief cause of injury to women ages 15-44. And for those women affected by domestic violence, there are kids, parents, friends, brothers and sisters that feel helpless to intervene. The Issue Domestic violence occurs when a person knowingly uses a pattern of psychological, physical, or sexual drive to gain control over their romantic partner. It is not a one-time episode, but a pattern of behaviours designed to obtain control over an intimate partner.

Most sufferers are not only slapped one day with a date or loved one. Things typically begin carefully and slowly. The abuser needs to be with their prey constantly in the beginning of the relationship. He can appear protective, telling the sufferer whom she can relate, which hobbies bring her out best, whether to maintain the job she's. Little insults will accompany. Perchance a put-down regarding her looks or skills. "Are you really going to wear that tonight?

" Do you want to be eating that?" Or"Why would you hang out with _ (insert friend's name)?

She is no good for you," or"You're a terrible buff,"- that kind of thing. Partly due to the fact that the victim's allowed her other relationships to wither, and partly due to the fact that the negative messages are beginning to weigh on her (and no one's left around her any longer to offer dissenting opinions to the abuser's), she begins to buy into them. Her self-esteem plummets. Just as the abuse doesn't generally start on Day #1, it also doesn't occur 24/7. Psychologist Lenore Walker identified in 1979 that abuse occurs in a particular cycle. The relationship may seem normal for long periods, but one person in it has a need to have control. To gain control, he/she engages in the emotional/physical/sexual abuse of their intimate partner.

This is the Explosion.
It works.

The victim feels vulnerable and powerless, at least at first. Just afterwards, she will inwardly regroup. I don't deserve this, she may say to herself, I'm outta here. For others, it's a period of shock and disbelief. When the abuser senses this shift, he struggles to regain control. This is the Honeymoon Period. Apologies are made. "I'm so sorry. This won't ever occur again." Tears may be shed by the abuser. Others subtly blame the victim. "I adore you so muchbetter. See what you made me ? I have never done this before." Flowers and gifts may be given. This all gives the victim a chance to see the good sides of their loved one, and she may convince herself that perhaps it wasn't that bad. Maybe it was her fault. If only she didn't push too hard, expect so much. Power feels restored to the victim. Over time, though, tensions build again. For the victim, she may get a sick feeling in the pit of her stomach. I know it's going to happen again. When will it happen, and what will trigger it this time? If she believes the violence is her fault, she'll do whatever it takes to prevent it from occurring again. This is referred to as the Tension Building Phase. But it does occur again. The explosion, the honeymoon period, the tension building phase. For some, the honeymoon period shrinks into nothing over time, and the abuse escalates. For others, the tension building phase continues on and on, with the victim describing her feelings as walking on eggshells.

The solution
DO:

Refrain from insulting the abuser. It may be hard, but vital, given the on-again, off-again nature of abusive relationships. Just as you learn the relationship has ended, you unleash a string of insults about your loved one's abuser. When they reunite shortly afterwards, guess who will be left behind? You. Give positive messages instead, like,"You deserve to be treated nicely. You've got lots of excellent attributes. Nobody deserves to be set down (or mistreated, or endangered ). You are not alone" Set limits on your sympathetic listening. Does that sound unsupportive? It isn't. It feels good to listen to your loved one initially. But after hours, days, weeks, months, sometimes even years, if the circumstances don't change, you're much more likely to give pat advice, cheerlead, or render an opinion. Give referrals to domestic violence professionals. "I'm worried for the safety. You do not need to go through this alone. Get hold of specialists, and assistance from other people who have had similar experiences" Know your local resources, or toll free number your friend can call. The only safe advice to give your loved one is to contact resources for battered women. Going through the situation in isolation is both dangerous and unnecessary. Friends and family will make judgments. Professionals in the field can ask questions that promote safety and well-being without attaching emotional baggage. Educate yourself of the Cycle of Violence,, identified by Dr. Lenore Walker in 1979, that explains the patterns of interpersonal violence, how and why violence erupts, and some of the dynamics that keep the victim feeling powerless to leave.

DO NOT
Focus on whether your loved one leaves the relationship permanently. Getting invested in the outcomes, which may or may not coincide with safety, is risky business once you understand the cycle of violence. Give pat advice. The reasons are varied: Your friend already has someone control her. She doesn't need you fulfilling that role now, even if she's willing. Since women are more likely to get injured or killed after leaving an abusive relationship, telling her to leave could be lethal. And telling her to stay? That's dicey, too. Mistake that the abuser's promises to change or his tears of remorse will be followed by any sustained reformation. Despite a perpetrator's best intentions, domestic abuse is a learned behavior and almost always requires a drastic intervention like arrest and/or a batterer's intervention program. For more info click recovering from emotional abuse

Cheerlead. Phrases like,"I knew you can do it" Are clearly supposed to be favorable. However, your loved one has emotional baggage along with her romantic partner. While she may love your words of confidence, she does not need to be worried about disappointing you if she flounders or reverses and sooner conclusion. In case you choose to root her , be ready for her to draw out of you when she returns to her abuser. Call police bureaus on behalf of your friend after she has shared a episode from the past with you. If you see domestic violence, call the authorities. If you know a kid has seen domestic violence or child abuse, then call child protective police. But if you are bearing witness to a story from the past, reminding the sufferer to call law enforcement can be helpful. Making that decision for her isn't.