A year ago today I found a lump in my breast.

I didn't know it was cancer and didn't have a diagnosis until December 7th but the day is significant nonetheless. 

That lump, caused by a single cell that didn't want to play by the "rules" forever changed the trajectory of my life. 

Today I've been reflecting on the past year.

I've been laughing at the funny parts of the story. Crying over the hard parts of the story. And feeling thankful for new cancer friends who have let me into their stories and shared their scars. Scars that you can and cannot see.

I've been letting big emotions enter my body and just trying to let myself feel.

I wish I could say that life after cancer is amazing - some days it is.

But other days it's chronic pain, accepting the lifesaving handful of pills that are now part of my nightly ritual, fear of recurrence, and wanting to carpe diem the hell out of life now that I know how uncertain the future is.

Since it is my lump day I treated myself to a massage and then a mid-day yoga class. 

This poem was shared during yoga and it was exactly what I needed to hear as I look at life a year after my lump.

(thank you, Audrey, and the universe, I'm not sure how you knew that I needed this today of all days)

I'm sharing it because this poem has a beautiful and powerful message for anyone looking at the past and contemplating the fear that is the future. It just might be what you need to hear too.

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The River Cannot Go Back by Kahil Gibran

It is said that before entering the sea
a river trembles with fear.
She looks back at the path she has traveled,
from the peaks of the mountains,
the long winding road crossing forests and villages.
And in front of her,
she sees an ocean so vast,
that to enter
there seems nothing more than to disappear forever.
But there is no other way.
The river can not go back.
Nobody can go back.
To go back is impossible in existence.
The river needs to take the risk
of entering the ocean
because only then will fear disappear,
because that’s where the river will know
it’s not about disappearing into the ocean,
but of becoming the ocean.

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