Well, here we are. Today is the year anniversary of my breast cancer diagnosis. These past few weeks have been tough as I have flashbacks to a year ago….my painful biopsy on March 1st (which I went to by myself--silly naive Rebecca), a trip to CA with Carron in late February 2019 where we talked extensively about the “what ifs” behind the pain & lump in my breast. So January & February have been surprisingly hard, but today actually feels GOOD. I don’t know why, but I’ll take it. Actually, I take that back. I do know why it feels good. I’m currently in Scottsdale with my France Friends on a girls’ trip. We didn’t intentionally plan this trip for my diagnosis anniversary, but the Lord, in His infinite wisdom, knew I needed something happy on March 6th to anticipate. 

I thought I’d take today to answer some questions that I get from folks (both now and during treatment): 

First--”So, are you DONE?”

Well, yes and no. But mainly no-ha! Yes, I am done with my mastectomy, chemo & radiation, but I have some medications and potential surgery ahead of me. Since my breast cancer was hormone positive, this means it feeds on estrogen & progesterone. So, in order to reduce risk of recurrence, I’m on two drugs to basically shut down all estrogen in my body (medical menopause). I receive quarterly Zoladex shots (into the subcutaneous layer of my abdomen) and I take a daily anti-estrogen pill. The pill started out as Tamoxifen for me, but I was having significant weight gain, so I’ve switched to Arimidex. Neither one is fun, but I appreciate that my doctor believes strongly in my quality of life and wants me to find a drug that I can live with. (Studies show that 10 years of this hormone suppressing therapy is the best to reduce recurrence, so these are not short-term drugs for me). I also need to talk to my OB about an oophorectomy, or ovary removal. It’s an “easy” surgery, but I need to consider the long-term effects of this and I’m giving myself some grace that this decision doesn’t need to be made immediately.

“Don’t you get scans all the time to make sure the cancer hasn’t spread?”

Actually, no. And this was the most surprising to me. But my oncologist said that if my cancer comes back, it will be symptomatic (meaning I will have symptoms like a lingering cough or extreme bone pain). I do have a “node” on my lungs that they’re monitoring, so I get chest CT scans every 6 months. I just had one this week and it came back with “no evidence of disease”. Most of the tests I will receive in the upcoming years willq be to monitor my body for evidence of how my medications are treating my body. For example both Arimidex and Zoladex can cause osteoporosis, so I receive bone density scans. 

“Your hair looks great! I guess cold capping worked?”

Yes! I would consider it a success. But for the sake of full disclosure, I did lose about 70% of my hair and I currently have about 15 tape-in hair extensions. I never wore a wig nor hair piece during chemo, so that’s why I consider it a success. Looking back, I realize how traumatic it was to continuously lose A LOT of hair every single day during chemo, and I wonder if it would have been “easier” to just shave my head and face hair loss all at once. But, now as I’m feeling really good about my hair, just 7 months after completing chemo, I am thankful I stuck it out. Because I would surely be managing 3 inches worth of chemo curls right now, had I not cold capped. 

AND...the question I got most often during 2019…”How can I help?” I’ve been wanting to do a post solely about all the help my family & I received last year, but I’m going to work it in with this post (which will make it insanely long, so I apologize in advance). Gosh, I’ve said it before, but we were surrounded by SO MUCH LOVE from close friends & family but also from people I didn’t know well. Every single show of support made a difference, but I thought I’d talk about what helped me most. This isn’t to discount things that people did that I may not mention below, because I truly believe the most important thing to help others in this situation is to just do SOMETHING, ANYTHING. There’s really no wrong answer here. But, I do want to leave you with some ideas that really stuck with me so maybe you feel better equipped to help others in my same circumstance in the future. (Because cancer is a bitch and will unfortunately continue to surround us all).

• First and foremost, it’s best to be as specific as possible in your offer of help (which may be easier or harder depending on how well you know someone). Instead of “Let me know if you need groceries” (or the ubequitious “let me know if you need help”), say “I am currently at the grocery store and would love to grab what you need.” Or if you know the person well, you can even grab some essentials (or treats!) unprompted. The more often you do things like this, the better you will know how you can help. I also appreciated when fellow parents would say “Since we’re headed to the swim meet, we’ll swing by and grab Caroline so you don’t have to go early.” Or, when a friend offered to take all 3 of our kids to Paul’s softball game, so they could see daddy play and mommy could have a quiet house. I didn’t even know I “needed” that myself, but it was wonderful! Sometimes I felt that I was always asking for help, so if people were proactively offering, it took the burden off me. 

(As a side note, all of these offers depend on if someone is open to needing help. It takes vulnerability to say “I can’t do this on my own” but not everyone may get to this point. It’s hard to accept help!)

• Do not stress if you haven’t “done something” immediately after finding out someone needs help. Once family & friends found out about my diagnosis, I received SO MANY flowers & cards & gifts (what a blessing!!), but I still felt just as blessed when I would receive something 2, 3, even 4 months after my diagnosis. It almost allowed me to appreciate it more because it wasn’t in the large group of initial outpouring of support. So procrastinators unite! :-)

• Stay the course! I have one friend who left probably 30 cards on my doorstep throughout my treatment (and I’m still getting them!) Her notes were never long, but it was so very clear to me that I was on her mind. (And the cards were HYSTERICAL) so they brought a smile to my face. It doesn’t have to be a card, either. Just text messages are so awesome. I appreciated a variety of funny & “checking in” messages, too. A well-timed GIF can lift spirit, as well as “I’m thinking of you…” Two things about texts, though. 1) Don’t be offended if you don’t receive a response—there were many days I just didn’t want to engage in text conversation, and so I didn’t. This is nothing to take personally-you just never know what kind of day the other person is having, but I guarantee hearing from someone is never a bad thing. 2) Avoid asking “how are you doing?” This is such an open-ended question and it felt overwhelming to me to respond to those questions. Plus, I had Caring Bridge updates, so I knew people could find out the answer to that question elsewhere. For any communication/gifts, it really does come down to consistency. Life gets so very busy, so I loved knowing others were still thinking about me, even after my initial diagnosis.

I don’t know if this is helpful to people or not, but I’m going to list out some of the things friends & family did for me. Again, it’s not to leave people out if their actions didn’t make the below list (I didn’t think to start making a list until April, and even then I’m sure I missed things, because there was SO DANG MUCH), but hopefully this sparks ideas if you want to love on those people around you who may need some extra love:

• Treats (ice cream, smoothies, tea, Starbucks drinks)

• Activities for our kids (think little grab bags that they can open when parents’ are sick & need a distraction for their kids that isn’t the TV)

• Pajamas / lounge wear / blankets - gotta know someone pretty well on this one, but I did love my cozy gifts

• Flowers (potted & cut) AND PLANTED! This was one of my first memories of how loved I felt after I was diagnosed. I looked outside out front door one Saturday morning and our neighbor was planting flowers in our flower bed. Oh my gosh—do this for people if you have a chance!

• Books - anywhere from fiction (I had friends who pulled book ideas from my Goodreads account-GREAT idea) to books on cancer (Silver Linings is a really great one for breast cancer, and What Cancer Cannot Do is my very favorite Bible devotional)

• Meals - hopefully there’s a Meal Train involved, but if not, you can always drop by a meal. Make it easy “I’d love to drop by xxx or yyy meal at 5:30pm on xx day. Let me know if either of these sound better or if there’s a different time day you prefer”. Bonus points if you make something like Rice Krispie treats in the shape of cars with bunny Peeps driving them (yes, we got this! And no, I would never be able to recreate these for someone else. Ha!)

• Gift cards...for meals, Starbucks, grocery stores, ice cream, Instacart. They don’t have to be a significant dollar amount even. Again, it’s about telling someone they’re on your mind.

• Help with kids-as in “I’m coming to grab your kids/a kid” because we’re headed to the playground. Also, don’t forget spouses! No, I’m not suggesting someone pick up Paul & take him to the playground ;-) but sending him notes/text or little gifts is important, too. Spouses bear just as much of the burden with cancer.

• House cleaning - Wowzas. This is the ultimate gift for someone who is sick. It’s not cheap, but some of my friends chipped in together to provide this & laundry services for me (before Dec 5th Fund housecleaning kicked in).

• Personalized gifts. These are hard unless you know someone really well, but I received customized Nike shoes from my friend who is a Nike running coach, a slew of soft headbands as I was starting cold capping, a mountain necklace (to remind me I’m climbing a mountain), a Kendra Scott necklace whose proceeds benefit breast cancer research and a necklace whose beads spell out ‘survivor’ in Morse code. Other ideas (that were just as special) include mugs, fun socks & shirts.

Let me emphasize again that it is not about the THINGS, but being there and present. The more friends showed support, the more willing I was to open up and be vulnerable & accept help. 

Now that I’m fully sure this is the longest post ever, I’m going to sign off and enjoy some R&R with some of my very best girlfriends. Today, after one year of this nightmare, I am filled with gratitude for all of you and for this amazing life I’ve been given. As always, much love to each and every one of you.

Rebecca