Two years. How did that happen, much less, why did that happen? I have never gone this long without seeing Randy (Sparky, Clark). I think the most was 5 or 6 weeks in the summer between college years. I would still marry him and do it all over again even knowing he would leave before me. I wouldn't change our life or miss out on 32 great years of marriage and 36 years of knowing him.  He would be so very proud of our boys. They were the the sun and the moon to him. When we would take walks knowing the diagnosis was just a matter of time I would ask what I would do without him. He told me I would find my own way of doing things. He was right. When I look back, he accepted the situation with such grace and honor. He had such courage that I have never seen.

At first I felt like a lost balloon with no weight attached to ground me. I certainly floated around for a while. "The Fog" lasts about 6 months. It feels like a dream where you can't wake yourself up. My mom is slowly coming out of it after my dad died last November. I have learned to ground myself. I have told people that one thing I can do from my loss is to help my mom with hers. It feels purposeful.  Losing my dad is a very different feeling of grief than losing my husband.

This tremendous loss has forced me outside of my comfort zone. Helped me grow stronger. Braver. More responsible. I have learned so much on my own. Don't get me wrong, I have done this with plenty of support from those I love so much. I know Randy is near by. I can feel it. It's not the same but I know love never dies. I hear that this feeling on the anniversaries will lose its sharp edges and soften with time. His anniversary is every single day not just today.  We will keep moving forward with him and plan to grow into the best version of myself. Thanks to all of you for your support for me, Zach, Anna and Jake.