Those early morning thoughts. This morning I have been overcome by them. So many things running through my head. As the 3 year anniversary (to the double mastectomy) approaches where am I now? What kind of person has all this made me? What part has grief played in all of this? Reflection has been key for me. Reading some of these early journal entries makes me realize how far Ive come. Im so thankful Ive chose to be open with this journey. 
3 years. Wow I cant believe it. In ways it seems like forever ago and in other ways it feels like yesterday. I remember like it was yesterday being dropped off at the front of the hospital, because of Covid rules my husband and son were not allowed in. A few days after the surgery when I finally removed all of the bandages and revealed what I looked like, it feels like that was yesterday. No way to prepare for all of that, I mean they try to but really no way to prepare for it. But in saying those things I have to also bring up all the Prayers and care that ware sent my way. The cards, flowers and dinners brought to our home. A husband that couldnt come into the hospital, spent every moment after by my side. A son that took time to fly into town to have long talks and watch movies with a convelescing mom. A sister taking me clothes shopping for this new body of mine. Friends that came over to just sit with me, make me laugh, and keep my spirits up. Those all feel like they happened yesterday. Ive not forgotten those things, they feel like happened yesterday. Things that feel further away....the pain, I dont remember much of it. Maybe because of the meds,I am not sure. It feels like all of the doctor appointments, 2 hour drives to Denver and back, trying to juggle real estate testing and working at the Orthodontist, the injections into my tissue expnaders, the second...and then third surgery-all feel like years ago. 
It is interesting what things our minds hold on to and the things it lets go. What have I learnded in the 3 years? Ive learned there is room for it all. The fear of walking into a 8 hour surgery alone and the happiness of seeing you husband and son after holding a Big Mac and fries. :) The sadness of seeing your body after a double mastectomy and the warmth and love that is poured over you by the ones you love most. There is room for all of those feelings. I dont walk arout now after 3 years feeling one emotion, I feel several. Why is it that we think we are to feel all of the "good" emotions? Its so limiting. I just dont belive that is what God wanted for us when He created us. 
We Can Feel The Feelings We Feel.
There I said it. That is what Ive learned in the last 3 years. Now after 3 years I feel loved, confident, strong, closer in my relationship with Jesus, but also grief for the body that is no longer the same, and for the loved ones Ive lost. There is room for all of these feelings.
As the 3 year anniversary approaches...here are just some early morning thoughts.