12 years ago today, I had no clue how drastically my life was about to change. I had no idea a precious baby boy had been born and would enter our home and hearts 3 days later.

10 years ago today, I had no clue my life would soon drastically change again. I had no idea it was the last birthday we would celebrate with Paxton on Earth.

This month has been hard…harder than last year.  I guess last April, I was still in the fog of survival.  I was still in denial…I couldn’t believe he was gone.  This year, I just can’t believe he is not here.  Those may seem like the same thing, but last year, I was feeling the weight of him not being in the present.  This year, I am carrying the weight of him not being in the future.

I miss you so much Pax…I know no party on Earth could compare to the celebration you are a part of in Heaven every day.  Happy birthday baby boy…I love you more than you’ll ever know.

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for one brief moment

after I wake up

I forget you are gone

then reality rushes in

and I lose you again

it has been 459 days

since I’ve kissed your sweet face

and felt your embrace 

though the waves of grief

 have spread apart

when they do hit

they seem to hit harder

my heart is still beating

and I’m still breathing

but your life was too brief

you weren’t supposed

to get to heaven before me