Journal entry by Karen Jen —
Happy New Year, dear friends!
I write this entry as my insomnia has been particularly persistent the last few days. So, instead of tossing and turning for endless hours, I decided to be productive and drop my stream of thoughts onto paper, in hopes to tire myself out. As many of you know, I've always been a poor sleeper, but it seems to have gradually gotten worse as I've gotten older, perhaps due to my mind constantly churning with thoughts and memories of past years. So, in hopes of getting some sound sleep, here is what life has been like the last couple of months:
- Oliver completed the fall quarter of speech therapy at UW in December. He responded very well to the positive feedback from the student clinician, which made him inclined to work harder. It seems that positive feedback works on adults as well as minors. We will continue at UW in the winter quarter, starting mid-January.
- Starting in January, Oliver will begin physical therapy, specifically for his neglected left side and arm. Since we decided not to do out-patient PT, he is showing signs of muscular atrophy on his L arm/shoulder areas. This is not good - therefore he'll be working with a neuro-PT specialist on a continual basis.
- Neuroplasticity in the brain continues to work everyday. (If you are not familiar with the term, here is Google's definition: neuroplasticity is the brain's ability to reorganize itself by forming new neural connections throughout life. Neuroplasticity allows the neurons (nerve cells) in the brain to compensate for injury and disease and to adjust their activities in response to new situations or to changes in their environment.) This is why doctors stress speech therapy. Repetitive practice and learning has shown that new "connections" in the healthy/uninjured areas of the brain can be made around the injured areas. Does this mean the "dead" brain tissue eventually comes back to life? No, but you can think of it as, healthy cells picking up the slack for the injured ones, by zapping their way around like bolts of electricity. I'm sure it's not that simple, but that's my 8th-grade science version of what I've read so far.
- As I continue to read and study how the brain works, I find it incredibly fascinating and enigmatic at the same time. It seems our brains are not "organized" exactly the same way, therefore doctors speak in general terms regarding their patients instead of pinpointing an exact time or amount of recovery.
- (Spoiler alert!) We took the kids to watch Spider-Man on Christmas-eve. During the movie, I didn't think much, except just trying to follow the action-packed story line. But, when we returned home, the story about the different dimensions and multiple Spider-characters had me thinking that the movie had some parallel to our lives. There are countless days when I feel that Oliver and I live in different dimension, even while sitting in the same room. We will circle around for 20-30 min arguing about what he perceives to (incorrectly) understand vs. what I am trying to say. And because he truly does not understand the point that I am trying to make, the conversations end in a big surrendering thud of words like: "forget it, what's the use in me explaining... you just don't understand what I'm saying cuz we're living in 2 diff. dimensions!."
- I'm often asked if there are any personality changes in Oliver post-stroke. Although he does not show much change or increase in temper, we do notice he gets annoyed VERY easily and frequently at minor things. I know that he had a little bit of those characteristics before, but they seem more pronounced and more frequent than before his stroke. I have to constantly remind him that the things he gets upset at now, are not things the "old" Oliver would have gotten upset at. Of course, he doesn't believe me when I say this, and then he'll sit in a pout-like silence for hours, until eventually he'll forget what he was annoyed at. I don't know if this will change or get better, but it's definitely one of the most challenging things about our relationship that I am having to get used to. Needless to say, the kids are usually at the receiving end of the annoyed-Oliver expressions.
I am not posting this to garner pity on myself (please don't ever feel sorry for me 😩) or to show Oliver in a negative light, but rather, to give a peek into what life has been like the past 10 months. Yes, there are many days when we laugh with friends (Thank GOD!) and enjoy the company of our loved ones over dinner. But there are also those days when things aren't as rosy, and the road to our future looks bleak and bumpy as hell.
So you may be asking why would I want to hold on to crappy 2018, even as we've turned our calendars over to a new year? Well, part of what brings me joy is reminiscing about the "old Oliver". His old voice, conversations, knowledge, and interactions play vividly in my head everyday. The kids and I often talk about what dad used to do and say... and some of the fun activities he would conjure up (surprise fishing/squidding trips, trips to Disney). We often sit around and laugh at old memories and funny pictures from FB and Instagram. I pray that the proceeding new years don't cause these memories to fade. But, I know eventually, as years pass, I will get used to the new voice, personality, and expressions (or lack-of), and the old will slowly fade to the back, leaving us to walk through life content and used to the person that the stroke created.
Happy New Year 2019.
(Pictures to follow)
I write this entry as my insomnia has been particularly persistent the last few days. So, instead of tossing and turning for endless hours, I decided to be productive and drop my stream of thoughts onto paper, in hopes to tire myself out. As many of you know, I've always been a poor sleeper, but it seems to have gradually gotten worse as I've gotten older, perhaps due to my mind constantly churning with thoughts and memories of past years. So, in hopes of getting some sound sleep, here is what life has been like the last couple of months:
- Oliver completed the fall quarter of speech therapy at UW in December. He responded very well to the positive feedback from the student clinician, which made him inclined to work harder. It seems that positive feedback works on adults as well as minors. We will continue at UW in the winter quarter, starting mid-January.
- Starting in January, Oliver will begin physical therapy, specifically for his neglected left side and arm. Since we decided not to do out-patient PT, he is showing signs of muscular atrophy on his L arm/shoulder areas. This is not good - therefore he'll be working with a neuro-PT specialist on a continual basis.
- Neuroplasticity in the brain continues to work everyday. (If you are not familiar with the term, here is Google's definition: neuroplasticity is the brain's ability to reorganize itself by forming new neural connections throughout life. Neuroplasticity allows the neurons (nerve cells) in the brain to compensate for injury and disease and to adjust their activities in response to new situations or to changes in their environment.) This is why doctors stress speech therapy. Repetitive practice and learning has shown that new "connections" in the healthy/uninjured areas of the brain can be made around the injured areas. Does this mean the "dead" brain tissue eventually comes back to life? No, but you can think of it as, healthy cells picking up the slack for the injured ones, by zapping their way around like bolts of electricity. I'm sure it's not that simple, but that's my 8th-grade science version of what I've read so far.
- As I continue to read and study how the brain works, I find it incredibly fascinating and enigmatic at the same time. It seems our brains are not "organized" exactly the same way, therefore doctors speak in general terms regarding their patients instead of pinpointing an exact time or amount of recovery.
- (Spoiler alert!) We took the kids to watch Spider-Man on Christmas-eve. During the movie, I didn't think much, except just trying to follow the action-packed story line. But, when we returned home, the story about the different dimensions and multiple Spider-characters had me thinking that the movie had some parallel to our lives. There are countless days when I feel that Oliver and I live in different dimension, even while sitting in the same room. We will circle around for 20-30 min arguing about what he perceives to (incorrectly) understand vs. what I am trying to say. And because he truly does not understand the point that I am trying to make, the conversations end in a big surrendering thud of words like: "forget it, what's the use in me explaining... you just don't understand what I'm saying cuz we're living in 2 diff. dimensions!."
- I'm often asked if there are any personality changes in Oliver post-stroke. Although he does not show much change or increase in temper, we do notice he gets annoyed VERY easily and frequently at minor things. I know that he had a little bit of those characteristics before, but they seem more pronounced and more frequent than before his stroke. I have to constantly remind him that the things he gets upset at now, are not things the "old" Oliver would have gotten upset at. Of course, he doesn't believe me when I say this, and then he'll sit in a pout-like silence for hours, until eventually he'll forget what he was annoyed at. I don't know if this will change or get better, but it's definitely one of the most challenging things about our relationship that I am having to get used to. Needless to say, the kids are usually at the receiving end of the annoyed-Oliver expressions.
I am not posting this to garner pity on myself (please don't ever feel sorry for me 😩) or to show Oliver in a negative light, but rather, to give a peek into what life has been like the past 10 months. Yes, there are many days when we laugh with friends (Thank GOD!) and enjoy the company of our loved ones over dinner. But there are also those days when things aren't as rosy, and the road to our future looks bleak and bumpy as hell.
So you may be asking why would I want to hold on to crappy 2018, even as we've turned our calendars over to a new year? Well, part of what brings me joy is reminiscing about the "old Oliver". His old voice, conversations, knowledge, and interactions play vividly in my head everyday. The kids and I often talk about what dad used to do and say... and some of the fun activities he would conjure up (surprise fishing/squidding trips, trips to Disney). We often sit around and laugh at old memories and funny pictures from FB and Instagram. I pray that the proceeding new years don't cause these memories to fade. But, I know eventually, as years pass, I will get used to the new voice, personality, and expressions (or lack-of), and the old will slowly fade to the back, leaving us to walk through life content and used to the person that the stroke created.
Happy New Year 2019.
(Pictures to follow)
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