Today is my first visit with Dr.Hitzelberger at the cancer center. I never imagined having to set foot in a place like that. In about 7 hours I'll park my car and walk into a set of doors that are so life altering. It will be a defining moment again...before cancer and after cancer... I'll go thru yet another transformation to add to my list. I've known for about 2 years that something was wrong and I ignored it until my symptoms became so unbearable that I knew deep inside me that my clock was running out of time. In May, I finally saw a doctor. It had been about 10 or maybe 12 years since I'd seen any Dr., but I was beyond desperate for an answer and a solution. On May 28th 2021 my results showed smudge cells and an extremely elevated level of lymphocytes, it was very unexpected. I knew that emphatic look on my physicians face was not good and I was so uncomfortable. When she said "leukemia" I went into shock and everything else was a blur until Sarah and I got to the car and broke down together. Since then we have been waiting for this visit to get here. Ive been desperate to get by until Friday. Friday is here, Friday is now and it just honestly occured to me that just because I have this appointment and I will get more information and answers...does not mean that I am going to feel any less pain, nausea, etc...It is going to undoubtedly take time to get a treatment plan and the tests that they'll need and so the suffering will continue until then. Everyone starts somewhere and that is a blessing, but realizing that I still have a while to go before I get any relief is hard as hell. I try to be positive, but this wasn't an incidental diagnosis that I just happened upon in routine bloodwork. It literally took me until I felt like I was in the active stage of dying before I walked into the Doctors office to beg for help and now here I am. The symptoms I have are not easy and have only escalated these past 6 months to the point of pure desperation. I waited too long. My wife and family begged me to go to the doctor or the hospital and I just couldnt find the energy or time even though I was aware something was wrong. No one stays sick for 2 years. I feel alot of guilt behind all of this. I am hoping that once I explain my situation to the oncologist and he is aware of the full picture- we can fast track treatment and start to get better. I cant imagine that chemo can be much worse than what I am experiencing now and I have hope that there is light at the end of that tunnel. If I could get 50% symptom relief, I would feel like I was amongst the living again and I could fight! I'll fight hard. I just need to get thru this and my optimism will come. Right now its hard because Ive been battling for 2 years and Im so drained. The diagnosis is  brand new but the sickness is not. Thats what I think alot of people are not quite understanding yet. With any measure of relief, I will start to have faith and believe people and their positivity about my situation. Im not a negative person normally- just so exhausted. Okay so there are my thoughts and feelings for tonight as I go to sleep and prepare to do this Friday thing. Goodnight everyone. All my love, Nicole.