Modah ani l’fanecha, Melech Chai v’kayam. I thank the One whose faith overflows in me, and helps me rise to morning’s light. Restoring my soul to me in love and mercy. I thank the One who lifts me up.

This day, one year ago, came at me like a train. I was in a hotel with the kids because our house had flooding and David was in Israel. The train had really left the station days before when I had gone in for a mammogram,ultrasound, and biopsy. I remember standing in the middle oft he living room when the call came in from my primary care physician. She dropped the bomb on me and had no other information other than that the cancer was really aggressive and that I needed to go to the oncologist immediately. As I sit here writing this, I still cannot believe that this is how it all began...with an impersonal, life-changing phone call.

It’s strange trying to recall details from the amnesia that seems to have flooded my brain, though I have over the past couple of months looked back upon my journals and art which documented my year’s journey. How grateful I am to my former self for taking the time to sit with and process what I was going through. People had shared with me how meaningful my posts and how reading them had helped them through certain things. When I am feeling numb, discouraged, or have forgotten what I have overcome to stand here today with grace and gratitude, I take a glimpse into the raw and vulnerable entries that remind me who I am and where I came from.

It is one year later and I am nearly done with this phase of my healing. Nearly done because I still have one more surgery on June 4th to help correct things from my initial surgery last summer. I believe this will be the bookend that I have been waiting for. While there is still the little white pill I need to take for the next 10 years, my body will God-willing be done with the heavy stuff.

One year later, I look at myself in the mirror and am amazed at the person staring back. I feel strong and I have discovered a new depth to myself. Through it all, I never gave up...the writing, the music, the holy and creative work I have done to connect and build relationships and community. I have such deep gratitude for my family and friends who have stood by me with unwavering support and have given me strength in ways they may never know. While the scars have somehwhat faded, they are a beautiful reminder of who I am. Each day I get to make the choice about how to live my life and the attitude I have.

Just days before my diagnosis I had successfully reached my Kickstarter goal to begin working on a new album of my music. While my project came to a screeching halt once I had surgery, I am happy to say that I have been back in the studio since January. Today I go in to lay down some final vocals. What better way to spend my cancerverary. I may even  top it off with a trip to Disneyland tonight!

Before surgery in June, I have some amazing things coming up. I am laughing as I write this thinking back to last summer and the incredible trip I took to Italy with David, living it up and soaking up every moment of joy I could. Some things haven’t changed! Next week I head out to Budapest with my parents for a week, a trip I have longed to take since I was a young child. I also have the joy of reconnecting with dear friends at a music conference I have been eager to return to. The last time I was there I was pregnant with Gabriel and since, life has taken over and made it difficult to get back...until now.

The time is now, to create those priceless memories that we can look back upon, to remind us about how precious life is when we get those bouts of amnesia that fill us with doubt and uncertainty. I am looking forward to making as many wonderful memories as I can this summer. It’s going to be a great one!