I am reflecting...I'm not sure what to say.  

All I know to say is that God has been carrying me through the deepest and darkest moments of my life.  

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Mike,

You were my favorite hello and my hardest goodbye.

Susie reminded me that you died on the anniversary of our first date.  Deep breath.  27 years filled with my very favorite moments.  Don't get me wrong...you could be irritating (I was always a peach ;-) But for real...next to Jesus, you've been my best yes.

I will always love you and I'll always remember you telling me "You're stronger than you think you are" and I'll remember to add 'I'm only stronger than I think I am because God is nearer than I know.'  I love envisioning you with your Savior.  What an image! Someday, my love, someday.  For you, I know it may only seem like just a snap of your finger and for me...well, I remember you saying it may feel like fifty years.  Know, my love, that I'm going to be happy.  I'm going to find joy in the moments,  I'm going to speak your name frequently because well...I have permission.  It's ok to always speak your name.  I will see you live on in the lives of our girls.  I will see you when someone eats gummy bears or I walk past a fun ice cream joint.  The girls and I really missed you on our recent trip to the Grand Canyon.  No time like the present.  We left the day after your funeral. You're right, my packing was a mess.  But it worked.  But we missed you.  

I know that you and most importantly, our Savior, will be there to greet our girl soon...man, Michael...Kiley...I can't.  But I know that God can work all things for the good for those who love Him and are called according to His purpose.  So, Mike, I know you're waiting.  I know you're worshipping. I know you've met our son.  I wish I could have seen your sweet smile when you held Gabe (Gabriel- our lil' angel in heaven). It gives me great joy. It gives me peace.

I know I can't...but God's got this.  Our friend reminded me of this.  Oh, how I love you. 

Love, 

Staclee (just a nick name- something only he knew)

PS: I didn't spend money on the flowers for your burial.  I know you'd be happy with that.  Instead we spent money on memories like eating rattle snake and cactus fries.  I took the girls horse back riding in the mountains.  And God showed up at the Grand Canyon.  Kiley wondered if you had the same view.  I know yours is better. I will always love you.

PSS: Deep breath...I'm taking off my wedding ring today.  But rest easy...24 years has made a lasting imprint on my finger. I'll never forget you...and I promise you, like you encouraged me...I'll find love again...someday...but you, my love, are never replaceable.  Yes, you are my hardest goodbye.

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Today, we said goodbye again to my love.  His ashes were buried in Glenridge Cemetery in Liberty, Missouri.  We met in the little tent, sat on the chairs with royal blue fuzzy fabric.  We were surrounded by our family and our inner circle.  It was a precious, intimate time to reflect on Mike's legacy but really to reflect on where he's at now.  I'm thankful that Mike was able to chase God into Heaven's gates.  He wanted that so much.  That brings me so much peace.  

He's been gone for exactly 2 weeks.  2 weeks ago today I could still put my head on his chest and hear his heart beating.  I could watch his weak body as he took quick rapid breaths.  I knew he had a strong heart, but he proved it at the end.  Late Thursday evening, his lung collapsed.  His body made up for it by breathing heavy like he had been running a race.  He's always had endurance.  I remember when he'd run.  He was a fair weather runner.  He hated running in the winter, so he'd take a break.  In Spring, he'd start up again and run 5 miles like it was nothing.  His strong heart kept beating and he was breathing like he was running his hardest race for almost 24 hours. Let me say, that he was comfortable. He wasn't in pain. He slept despite his labor.  His breathing finally slowed down some late afternoon on Friday, Nov. 6.  I sent everyone  away for the afternoon.  I encouraged everyone to go grab lunch and come back later.  I used that precious time to roll his hospital bed right next to our bed.  I snuggled in and just soaked in the moment.  I will never forget.  He passed away shortly after 5pm surrounded by those he loved most.  Treasured moment. Hard, but treasured.

His sweet brother, Tim, was the guardian at my door.  He stayed at our house for 2 1/2 weeks caring for Mike and our family.  I couldn't have offered all of that care without Tim by my side.  I cry every time I think about it.  The physical demands that those last few weeks brought. How Mike requested that his brother come visit and his brother listening to the Holy Spirit's prompting and making himself available.  What a servant's heart.  So thankful. 

I hadn't opened up on the details of his passing...well...because I've just been reminding myself to breathe in and out and take it all in.  I've been sleeping with his shirt under my pillow and trying to breathe in his smell.  (He'd roll his eyes if he was here...not much for being sentimental.) Have I been sleeping? Well depends on the day.  One of my dear friends has become a text away and has kept me grounded late at night.  It's good to have those people...your village...those you can call in the middle of the night...those that have a strong shoulder...those that don't care if you're waking them up...those that you can change your emotions at a moment's notice and crack a joke...and that's okay too.  I pray that you have those people in your life.  

Do you know that all of you reading this are answered prayers to me?  I have never been so humbled in my entire life.  God really showed up when you all became the hands and feet of Jesus.  We didn't know how big our village was...we are still so humbled by your love for our family. So. Very. Thankful.

An unknown author once said, "Because I had the courage to speak the unspeakable, I felt known.  I felt seen and I felt heard.  It gave others permission to speak of their unspeakable.  Pain is a powerful connector." 

As I close this chapter, I know...you know...we are all connected.  And as my late husband would say, "We all have a meeting place for those that accept Christ as their Savior."  We want to see you all there someday.  Don't wait another second to say your best "yes."

Much love to you all,

God's girls-

Staci, Samantha, Kiley, Avery, Addison and Mackenna

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Housekeeping:

Continue to follow Kiley's story on her site: https://www.caringbridge.org/visit/kileydaniels   We have a significant update to share later today. 

Here's the link to Mike's service if you missed it: https://youtu.be/83O-PcYnOVQ

Here are a few precious songs that I listened to over and over as I wrote today:

No One Ever Cared for Me Like Jesus By Steffany Gretzinger

Remember By Steffany Gretzinger

I am dreaming about writing a book.  I had a sweet friend offer to help.  I'm also dreaming about a blog.  I'll let you know when that dream comes to reality.  Thank you, thank you sweet friends for allowing me to use Mike's life as a platform to share Jesus.  Will you keep using Mike's life as a platform to share Jesus too?  He would have been honored. Don't forget to say your best "yes" if you haven't already.  So, so worth it.   

For Mike, I wouldn't say "the end" because his life is just beginning...