I lost my sweet Micki on January 20th of this year after the two of us battled her cancer for ten years.  After the first seven days when our house finally emptied of visitors, the sun went down and my house got really big, really quiet and really full of Micki.  I decided that evening that being alone in the house when the sun went down was not good for me.  I immediately became proactive about planning things every evening so I would not be alone.  I went to high school basketball games and baseball games and to different venues to watch live entertainment.  Every evening I made sure to have something planned. It was working.  The triggers of walking thru the closet that we shared, and smelling her aroma were still there as were seeing the pictures of us around the house.  But the intensity of the sorrow as the sun set was gone.

 

Then C19 arrived and the best laid plans came to a halt.  Everything shut down completely. No more activities as our community was "shelter-in-place".  So here is the good news.  By keeping busy, I had done an excellent job of avoiding the most severe feelings. With C19, that ended.

 

During the last three weeks, I would probably test positive to the four walls syndrome.  However, as a result, there was no place to hide from the feelings.  For the first two weeks, the triggers seem to happen more often and more severely. The phone including facetime became my only human contact.  When Micki's name was brought up in conversations, I would just crumble. I couldn't get to the pride I should be feeling about her life, our marriage, her faith and the people she inspired. Then about a week ago, things began to change.  I feel that I am beginning to turn a corner.  I have actually gotten to the point of being able to carry on a conversation about her, about us and about the loss of her without being an emotional midget. I believe the isolation, due to the virus, has kept these feelings front and center and forced me to deal with them without distractions. Fun . . . hell no.  Beneficial . . . I believe so.  

 

I still miss her like crazy. But I believe she is looking down, smiling that I am rounding the corner.