I found it interesting that’s it’s taken me over a year to able to say any words about our Haven rose. I didn’t (still don’t) even know how to start.
Going through a pregnancy knowing what the outcome would be was (what I thought) one of the most emotional journeys I have ever been through. I carried our little girl for 7 1/2 months before I went into labor. I wasn’t expecting to go early since the doctors had told me I would most likely be induced. We weren’t ready. I wasn’t ready. I wanted  to hold on to her for as long as I could.

Did I always feel that way? Honestly No. when I first found out about our Haven I wanted to hide. I wanted it to go away. Knowing what I would have to go through the following months. I struggled with resentment, anger, fear, hopelessness. Did I think God could heal her? Absolutely. Did I beg God for a miracle? Absolutely. But I also knew God is still good whatever the outcome would be. And that’s the interesting part, I knew this, in my heart and head that God is good. But oh man was it annoying to hear it from other people. Yup I said it, sorry if you told me that , please don’t take it personally. The fact of the matter is no one really wants to hear that. Logically I know it, but the other half of me was still mad at God. Seriously why? No really, why did it happen? Something I will not have the answer to.

 I wasn’t ready for labor.  I could still feel her movements, hear her heart. She responded to me when I would rub my stomach. Labor was going to end that. Knowing my time with her on the earth was done.

We didn’t have a plan for after. 

Can you have a plan? I mean can anyone really be prepared for that? I wasn’t . 

Haven Rose entered and left our world February 19th. She was small and still. But oh so loved. 

    Not a whimper or cry when she looks In Your eyes
     All the stillness and rest, We see nothing less.
   The warmth of embrace upon my chest, teaches me about love, life, and rest. 

So what do we take away from this? I know I’m not the only one with child loss. I’m not the only one who grieves a little inside every time someone asks “how many children do you have?” 

But God. 

That’s pretty much one of my favorite statements. 

But God, has something for us. He surprised us with a new little baby on the way. Yeah... surprised ? So were we. Wasn’t ready for that one, but I guess He was. 

So talk about your emotions being all over the place again. Grieving the loss of a child, while trying to accept and be happy about the new life growing. Oh I cried, allot when I found out. Not happy tears mind you. But terrified tears, sobs of fear and worry and just plain shock. Austin and I kept our secret for a long time before we even shared with family and friends. I wasn’t ready to talk about it. The questions. Alllll the questions. For someone that likes to process internally first , I wasn’t ready for the challenge of sharing. So here I am 8 months pregnant, struggling to walk, praying my baby girl turns out of her breached self, and trying to figure out emotions. 

But God.
-has got this
-has a better picture
-knows my heart
-holds my hand
- loves me 

So my family and friends you guys have been amazing. Thank you for your patience.  I love you all 💕