Howdy. 

   If you're reading this 12th update, thank you for following along on this ride that's not quite over just yet. This will likely be my last one just because I'm through all the major parts of my treatment (chemo, surgery, radiation) and the rest is just the last lap (immunotherapy infusions/diet chemo and reconstruction surgery). That last lap should be by far the easiest part, yet long and tedious and there won't be much to update.

   I finished radiation last Tuesday after 25 treatments (originally, I had 30 but my plan was adjusted and why is over my head). They radiated the lymph nodes under my left arm, in my left breast and my lymph nodes in my chest just in case there were stragglers. For the first 20ish treatments, my skin barely reacted. I had some itching and that area was a little tanner than the rest of my body, but that was it. Over the weekend the burn came on quickly and fiercely. Think a tie-dye of red and purple and... black. Even though I'm a week out from finishing radiation, it's just now beginning to start peeling and healing. I won't put any pictures up because it's honestly a bit disturbing. I get a little scared looking at it in the morning to see how it's changed 😬. Though about half of the area is still numb from surgery (thank the Lord), the other half is pretty uncomfortable which makes it tough to sleep well. The good news is that once it's all healed, my doctor told me it will basically look just like the rest of my skin but maybe just a bit more freckled. The healing will take about 3 months until it gets back to normal.  So for now, I'm toting around burn cream and aquaphor and aloe and doing my best to keep it moisturized. I loved my radiation therapists and I actually miss seeing them every day, but I don't miss driving downtown and back that's for sure! My radiation oncologist is the one I knew from college who put my whole treatment team together for me, so it was nice to get to see him and walk through this with him.

   Next steps: I've got 12 immunotherapy infusions left and they take place every 3 weeks. It's jsut about 2 hours of infusion time- not bad. So that puts us at end of April 2024 when I'm finished. The drug I'm taking is Kadcyla which targets the specific HER2 cells that were the cancer-spreader. My first round I got the full dose of Kacyla and my liver didn't like that very much and majorly spiked. I spent day 4 after that infusion pretty miserable, so we turned down the dose this past time and it went much better. There are still some side effects I experienced (fatigue, neuropathy, some nausea- similar to the feeling of when you're coming down with the flu) and it's honestly more intense than I mentally prepared for. I'm not excited to do this 12 more times. It feels like a huge mountain in front of me and I just want to walk around it 😂.  I want to close this book, be done and move on with the rest of my life. But I know if I ask for it, God will provide me with the mental headspace to complete this. He always does and I've felt him renew me many times over the last 9 months. I have to ask for wisdom, patience, and strength and I ask that you pray that for me too. Reconstruction will be sometime next summer and that will be a pretty minor surgery compared to what I've done!

   Last but not least, fertility. I purposely haven't written about this much since the beginning of this caringbridge, but since the IVF is what led me to find the cancer and I've had many questions about this piece of our lives, I want to address it. My cancer is hormone-fed and obviously I'd need to be producing these hormones to get pregnant and carry a pregnancy. I'll be put on a hormone blocker very soon- Tamoxifen- which will block the estrogen. The reason I'm being put on it is because it lowers my chances of the cancer returning. Normally they recommend either 5-10 years of Tamoxifen. There is a good chance my oncologist will allow me to take a "Tamoxifen vacation" in a few years to transfer an embryo if we decide to try again. I'm not nervous about that because there are studies that back this up and many women in my shoes have done it. So for now, we have 11 embryos just chilling on ice. We had an amazing human being- one of our sweet friends who is an actual angel walking on Earth- who actually offered to carry for us! Cue all the tears. After my doctor reviewed the medical records, she decided it just wasn't the right fit and though it was heartbreaking, we're at peace with it.  We've prayed so many times for His will to be done- nothing more and nothing less. The waves of emotions that have come with our trying to have another child are easier to temper when you know you're in His will. It's so difficult to ask for that when your heart has desires, we know that firsthand. Losing that "control" you think you have feels impossible. But we are a testament that contentment in the face of grief can and will happen if you ask for God to come into your heart and take over the places you're scared to let go of.
     We know our options. We are open to different options of growing our family as well and are prayerfully walking through that, without desperation or impulsivity which is not what I could say for myself last year. We're also very okay with the idea that our sweet family of 3 is just what God has planned and that is just as beautiful and rich as a life with multiple kiddos. I don't want to gloss over that. We are BLESSED beyond measure with our child and we know we're so, so lucky to have her. Elliott is so much fun and we are captivated by her and her four year old adventures! Has she asked for siblings many, many times over? Yes. Has she asked if I will ever be okay and if I'm done being sick? Also yes. But she is learning how to pray for the desires of her heart and that if the answer is yes, God is good. More importantly, if the answer is no- God is still so good. And he has given us a multitude of things to be grateful for.  At first when I got diagnosed, I was so worried about her little heart and how she would deal with it all. But now I see the lessons she is learning and I'm proud she's learning those. I'm so proud to be her mama. 

   This is my testimony. If I don't share it and shout it from the rooftops what the Lord has taught me- then what the heck was the point? Thank you for everything- all the texts and calls and letters. My community has taught me how to love on someone walking through grief and I certainly hope I can give that back. 

Big hugs and much love,
Meg