Today is the beginning of a new life as I say goodbye to my career as a Urogynecologic Surgeon. It has been over 6 months since I have written down my thoughts and what has been going on in my life.  Most cancer patients say that life after "active treatment" (chemotherapy, surgery and radiation), is harder. When I was diagnosed and thrown into treatment I only had eyes for getting through it and "killing cancer". I did not think there was any way my life was going to be more challenging after this time. I had visualized a mean fight but return to life as it was before. Well, I was definitely wrong and life has changed dramatically. I have spent the last several months trying to figure out what my "new normal" will be. What I do know is that life is constantly changing and nothing is permanent.

After I returned from radiation in Houston I needed time for my body (and mind) to heal.  I now understand that healing is not a quick journey and not over anytime soon. I was going to physical therapy almost daily, doing the exercises recommended and taking my daily medication. However, my condition didn't quickly improve and my goals fell short. One thing not helping is that I am forever in menopause (ughhhh!!!) by getting an injection monthly (Andrew now gives me my shot in the hip to avoid the Infusion center during COVID-19). I continue to have hot flashes, sweats, weight gain, bone loss, etc.  What my family and oncology team also realized as time went on is that I have some permanent effects/complications from cancer treatment.

The good news is...I am still alive! As most of you know, I recently had a PET scan that showed no active large cancer. I am celebrating that news with continuing to eat as healthy as possible, exercise as much as I can, and spend quality time with my family. Unfortunately, I also had a similar PET scan before my bilateral mastectomy. I was devastated to find out that there was so much cancer still left in my breast and lymph nodes. So, although I am happy about the results, I realize that my cancer is sneaky and quiet and I have to do everything I can to keep it that way.  I do have a higher risk of recurrence but I am trying not to focus on this.

I have been on additional oral chemotherapy to give me the best chances to prevent the recurrence of cancer, but unfortunately, I experienced a rare side effect once again. My white blood cell counts dropped to almost nothing--meaning there were no white blood cells to fight any virus or bacterial infections. Wouldn't it be timely that COVID-19 rocked the world and a pandemic hit just when I was having leukopenia including neutropenic and lymphopenia? With so much unknown about COVID-19 my family has literally been hiding from the rest of the world. It was interesting to see everyone so worried about illness and mortality; something that I felt so alone in considering. 

With all that I have been through, I realized I must be honest with myself and my career path. I have chronic chest, arm pain, swelling, and limited range of motion. I have chronic horrible joint pain (all large joints) and feel like someone has taken a bat to my knees, hips, ankles, feet, etc. The truth is, I have a hard time doing normal daily activities, so the ability to return back to my job and the operating room is not a reality. This brought me much sadness, especially as I cleaned out my academic office and sad goodbye to my academic goals and dreams. But I have dug down deep and realized this is an opportunity for me to take care of myself and my family as best as I possibly can. It is also a way to explore other meaningful ways to help others in healthcare.

In a time of so much pain in the world right now, it has been easy for me to look around and be thankful. I am not going to lie and say I don't have thoughts of denial, "how" and "why" did this happen to me.  But, I am moving on. I am thankful that my personal journey can continue. If you are reading this, thank you.  I have so much appreciation for my family and friends who have supported us through this horrible journey. Meaningful relationships are what have kept this extreme extrovert going. Your love fills my cup and overflows to my family. I can't wait until we can hug and socialize once more. 

So, today marks the first day of a new life. I wave "so long" and hopefully "see you later" to my University of Florida Jacksonville family.  I have resigned from my job as a Urogynecologic Surgeon.  I would love to say hello and goodbye to my work family in the future when things become safer. I will move on to a life dedicated to health, happiness, and purpose. You don't have to get slapped with a life-altering even to make this a priority, but it made it clearer to me. Identity is a self-perception and as a surgeon, this career has been intertwined with my identity. Although I will not be in the operating room any longer, I will always be a surgeon in my mind. My identity is evolving into something new. Today I wave goodbye to the past, and cheers to the future. One thing I know that will remain constant is that I will always be a Florida Gator, and bleed orange and blue.  Many thanks for your unwavering support.  XOXOXO