Hi all,

It has been a long time since I have written here. It feels weird to come back to this platform and write again but today I got inspired.

I wanted to first say that Martín's scans are clear! He had a brain and spine MRI last Friday and everything looks clear and that is such an enormous relief. The week leading up to his scans were full of "scan-xiety." I thought I was handling my nerves pretty well on the outside but inside I was having terrible sleep and brain fog all week. We went out for ice cream after we got the results and it felt so exciting, I will never take a trip for ice cream after good news for granted. Now we will go in again in 3 months for the same rig-ama-roll. 

Today I felt like writing because I don't want it to seem like the journey is over just because treatment is over. It is so far from that. If anything, I have had just as big emotions lately as I did when we were in the hospital. After treatment is almost harder because it doesn't feel like you have any safety nets like before. During treatment, we were constantly in and out of the hospital or the clinic, so I knew a doctor or nurse would look at him regularly. Now, at least once a week Im gripped with the biggest fear that something is wrong and I can't see it. I often (like 2-3x per week) want to take Mar into the ER just because. Not because I see anything wrong or he has a fever or anything. Just because my PTSD tells me that something is wrong and he needs to be seen or that I'm "missing something." It is crazy-making. 

Also, I am now part of a big community of people that care for children with cancer and it feels like cancer is very close, for better or worse. I have seen many children pass away in the months I've been part of these groups. Some from the same cancer as Martín. I had talked a few times on social media with a woman from Turkey who's son was about Martín's age and had the same cancer. I noticed the last few days that she was posting a lot of portrait photos of her son, which I've learned usually means they are remembering their child. I asked her how he was and she said that he died a few days ago. I reached out a few months ago to a woman who's son was also about Mar's age and had the same cancer as him and I asked for her email to connect with her. I forgot to ever email her and months went by, then she posted that her son passed away. She is a CNN correspondent with a big social media presence. I was shocked. I had no idea her son was as sick as he was, and I felt so overwhelmed with guilt that I had never emailed her. I tried to send her an email but even I don't know what to say to a grieving mother. I wish I could wrap my arms around all of the grieving mothers this Mother's day. 

I felt sad today particularly because I feel disconnected from my friends and community. I had sooo much support when Mar was in treatment and after he was first diagnosed. Now I really don't hear from my friends and barely ever see them. I think it is a combination of them living all over, mostly not where we live, but also COVID and the general busy-ness of life. It just feels like a little bit of a let down from being in communication so much with people and checked-in on frequently. 

Other than that, we are doing really well. Mar is progressing with eating and his motor skills and just looks like such a big kid these days! I did a training program to become a CNA and will be starting that work soon. I am getting ready to start classes this summer to do my prerequisites for OT school. Frank is taking 5 classes and is half way through his last quarter of the year! And also just passed his test to get a driver's permit! He will be cruising along  with a driver's license in no time. 

Happy Mother's Day, mom's are really awesome. 

Oh PS its brain tumor awareness month - go gray in may!