My last entry...My last dose of radiation was on Monday, September 18.  I am thankful I know the Lord as my personal Savior and Friend.  I am so thankful for His presence, His peace, and His protection.

I was first diagnosed with breast cancer in 2014 and now another phase of this second round of breast cancer has come to a close with that last radiation treatment.  Ahead of me are follow-up appointments, tests, and 5 years of drugs.  I am very aware that the BRCA II, I am highly more susceptible to the return of cancer.  I pray that I will be drawn to experience the beautiful presence and closeness of God even when I have this disease behind me as I have had while going through this return of this dreadful disease.   Trials and tribulations have always brought me closer to God as I realize more clearly the brokenness of the world and the vulnerability in life.  I want to continue to lean in more closely, listen more intently, and obey more quickly, not just through the trials but also when life seems good and my world seems right. 

Upon being diagnosed in April of this year that breast cancer had returned, I must admit I was in shock, a little, haven taken drastic surgeries in 2014 to greatly decrease the chance of it rearing its ugly head again. 

After diagnosis, things moved quickly from an ultrasound to a biopsy to an MRI.  Those of you who have had the joy of experiencing an MRI know, at the least, it is annoyingly LOUD, and often you have to remain in an uncomfortable position as it bangs and buzzes and clangs around knowing at the end it probably will reveal the unwanted details and extent of your diagnosis.

I decided I would think "happy" thoughts but that was IMPOSSIBLE with banging and bells and buzzers going off at a deafening level.  So I ask the Lord, what should I focus on?  I can almost see the smile cross his face as I heard in my spirit, "Just spend time with me".  I turned my thoughts and tuned my ear to Him.

I envisioned us on a platform as if I was ready to be interviewed by Jesus on one side, and God on the other (I couldn't face God as the light and beauty was so intense).  And the Holy Spirit was ever-present. So I turned toward Jesus expecting Him to ask me a question or impart wisdom but He said, "What would you like to ask?"  I was overwhelmed for a moment that He wanted to know what was on my heart at that moment (even though I was sure He knew).  I asked, "Why do you love me?"  His answer came so easily and so convincingly, "Because you are my beautiful creation, my beautiful daughter and I love the person you were created to be".  My heart melted as I felt His unconditional, pure love wash over me.    Then He asked, "Why do you love me?" Words failed me not because I didn't immediately know the answer but because I was overcome with emotion. Through choking back tears I stated, "No one in my entire life has ever done what you have done for me, to die for me, to give me life eternal, and to love me as you have loved me".   And then I thought, this was my chance to hear clearly so I asked the question most of us ponder our entire lives..."Why am I here, what is my purpose and what do You want me to do?"  And His powerful yet simple reply was, "Love".  "I have called you to love".  And then God asked, "Why do you love me?"  And I almost shouted, "Because you ARE LOVE AND YOU FIRST LOVED ME and it is easy to love someone who loves you.  Jesus said, "Bingo.  Through the power of the Holy Spirit, God's love will flow through you to others".  At that moment I heard the nurse say, you are done.  I was disappointed as I wanted to continue my "interview".   I got dressed and went to the waiting room and Wayne asked me, "how was it".  And I began to share my experience with him.  We were called back for the Dr to go over the results of the MRI.  She said, "It would silly for me to ask how you are, as I know the MRI is an awful experience.  Hopefully, it was at least bearable"  I replied, "I actually enjoyed it, I enjoyed it very much".  Her eyes went wide as she exclaimed that I was the first person to ever say they "enjoyed" that experience.  I smiled as she pulled up the scans to show where the cancer was, and its size and explain the type of cancer that had invaded my body.  I listened intently, asking questions, and was very engaged but with a blanket of peace surrounding my heart, my mind, and my emotions.  I am not thankful for cancer but I am very thankful that the MRI pushed me to lean in so close to the Lord to hear His love for me and for me to proclaim my love for Him and to walk away with a clear purpose...simply to love by the power of the Holy Spirit.

After surgery and recovery, I began radiation treatments.  While not always painful physically, radiation in general is an emotional experience.  So I leaned in and focused on Jesus and the thought and picture that came to mind was Jesus was right there on my right side whispering, "I'm right here". I will never leave you or forsake you.  I'm not going anywhere.  Do not be afraid".  I envisioned big masculine angels surrounding the table where I lay.  They were all facing away from me, shoulder to shoulder, and gazing up slightly.  And all together they broadened their shoulders and their wings expanded creating an impenetrable wall of peace and protection around me.  

Deuteronomy 31:8 NIV The Lord Himself goes before you; He will never leave you nor forsake you.  Do not be afraid; do not be discouraged. 

Paul encourages us in Romans 8:18 that our present struggles and suffering are not worth comparing to the glory that will be revealed in us.  He encourages us to look to God in this season of waiting and to trust that God uses everything in our lives for His good and our benefit.  One day ALL things will be redeemed and we will be in glory.  But until that day, the transformative power of the Holy Spirit in the lives of believers enables us to live free from the paralyzing grips of fear...to live free from the entrapments of sin, and to live victoriously and pleasing to God.  And to experience joy and peace that is indescribable, no matter our circumstances.