Hello! 

I realized yesterday that I haven't updated here in ages, so sorry about that. I've been writing a lot, but it's mostly for me at this point, so I kind of forgot that I haven't written anything that other people can read in a while. I also haven't really updated because there isn't much to say, really. It's mostly a waiting game-I had another bone marrow biopsy on Tuesday, so now we are just waiting until those results come back to see where I stand. 

I've been struggling because many people hear the word "remission" and assume that I'm "done," or "better," but I'm not. I've gone through two more rounds of chemotherapy since achieving remission, and I may have to do more, and I may still need to have a bone marrow transplant. All of that combined with the 50% chance of relapse within the next few years makes it difficult for me to be celebratory. Realistically, this is something I'm going to have to, at the very least, think about for the rest of my life, so I don't know how to respond to people when they ask if I'm "done." No, I'm not done, and I never really will be. 

Luckily, I find a lot of solace in the fact that I have already lived such a fulfilling and beautiful life. In just the time since I graduated college, I've traveled to 22 U.S. National Parks while living out of my car, solo traveled around four continents, learned another language, been accepted into multiple grad schools, read hundreds of books, and visited four Wonders of the World. What I'm most proud of, though, is that I've really taken the time to get to know the people and places I've encountered, and even though I've done a lot during that time, I've never felt like I was rushing through anything. I may not get to live as long as I'd like to, but I've really made the most of this life, even before I got sick. Maybe you feel like I'm being pessimistic or fatalistic, but I promise I'm not trying to be. I'm trying, every day, to remain levelheaded and positive, but I also have to be realistic about the condition I have and pragmatic with the information I receive from my doctors. I sincerely hope that I'll be able to have more meaningful experiences around the world, and I believe I will, but life and health are never a sure thing. For me, now more than ever.

Sorry to get so serious! I know no one really wants to hear about how scared I am of dying, but it is something I think about often, if I'm being honest. I would love to hop on here every day and be 100% positive all the time, but that's not my reality. I know I'm a fighter, but even fighters die of cancer, you know? I'm going to do everything I possibly can, but I cannot will my bone marrow to start working properly. Either the chemotherapy works or it doesn't, and either I stay in remission or I don't. I have to consider both possibilities, as unpleasant as that may be. 

All that being said, I do still feel positive and confident most of the time, I promise. Leukemia is a brutal cancer to get, especially acute myeloid, but it is not unbeatable. I genuinely believe that I'll be back out in the world sooner rather than later, I'm just hoping that the news from this most recent biopsy is good. I would love to add "survived cancer" to the above list of things I've done since I graduated college, and I will!