"Comparison is the thief of joy."

If you're at all in the world of social media, chances are, you've probably heard this phrase a time or two. It's often spoken in reference to comparing the highs and lows of our lives to the highlight reel that, oftentimes, a celebrity or acquaintance chooses to share with the world on social media. It becomes a slippery slope that goes from celebrating each other's successes, to wondering where we've gone wrong in our own lives, because we may not have the luxury material things, the career success, or the "perfect" family that others do.

I'm a victim of it, trust me. I've compared so many aspects of my life to those of others, based on what I've seen on social media. I've compared things as superficial as the workout clothes I wear (I get sweaty as hell anyway, so what does it matter?) and the vehicle I drive; to deeper things, such as my nursing career; the fact that I've been married, divorced, and engaged again before turning 30; and the fact that I'm in the home stretch of my 20s with no children, while people younger than my little sister (27, for the record) are working on their second, third, or even fourth child. It's never a bitter feeling - I'm truly happy for those who share those milestones, those successes, with their audience. It's truly worth celebrating, but - I'm gonna be blunt here - social media makes it so easy for us to feel inadequate and wonder where we've gone wrong on our life's journey.

However, there's another aspect of comparison that I feel is not talked about often enough, that I am an even worse victim of, especially since my injury: Comparing ourselves in the present moment to the us'es of the past, or maybe even the future.

This is where I'm gonna get vulnerable... Lately, I've found myself more & more frequently looking back at pre-injury pictures, videos, and memories - both on my phone & social media - and wondering where my life would be if I hadn't gotten hurt. Wondering if things would be completely different, or not that different at all. Wondering where my nursing career would have lead, if Jordan & I would've been engaged sooner and maybe even be married by now, what travel adventures we would've experienced; all of these things; instead of living out the past year of my life in a wheelchair, looking forward to Fridays, not so I can enjoy beers with Jordan and friends after work, but so I can go to physical therapy in the afternoon & do some walking. 

There are big spaces in my heart & mind that are currently being used to mourn the loss of the path that my life would've continued on if I hadn't gotten hurt. It's something I'm aware of, but have succumbed to frequently. While I could chalk it up to human nature, because - let's be real - it is, the amount of comparison to my past self that I've been doing lately is unhealthy. (Initially, I had the word "borderline" in there before I realized, yeah, it's just unhealthy). I'm writing this because I feel the first step of fixing this kind of issue is to become aware of it. I think mourning the loss of our past selves is healthy after trauma, or in my case, injury, but it becomes an issue when it starts to get in the way of your journey of being who you are right now & working toward who you want to become in the future.

I'm all for looking back at past memories with fondness, but this is not what I've been doing. Every old picture I've seen, video I've watched, or post I've read doesn't have me laughing & smiling; lately, it makes me sad. It breaks my heart. And it has me longing for the life I had prior to my injury, and it makes me realize that nothing is ever certain. Things can change at the drop of a hat.

I guess the whole purpose of this post is to bring awareness to the dangers of comparing. Social media does have its positive purposes, but is something you have to be very, very careful with for this exact reason. I know this bad habit (to put it mildly) is something I need to work on internally. But there are external factors, such as social media, my social circle, my mental health, etc. that can be evaluated & modified to help me get out of this rut of comparison. If anyone has struggled with this, gotten themselves out & are willing to give advice, please reach out to me.  And if you're still reading, thanks for sticking with me while I pour my thoughts out here. You're one of the good ones. ❤️