I know it's been a long time since I posted an updated, but there's a good reason for that.    

I just haven't felt like it.

I think about it.  A lot.  But I just don't have the energy or the spirit to write.  Part of it is due to the fact that I started radiation last week and I'm exhausted already.  But a bigger part of it is - well - I guess I have been enjoying feeling somewhat "normal."

I have been able to work two weeks in a row without missing any days of work.  That's a first since September.  I have felt mostly good, but usually tired at the end of the day.  So that keeps me from being motivated to pick up a computer and start thinking about what to write and how to say it.  I have a reputation to keep up with, you know.  

All of that aside, the good news is this:  

Chemo.  Is.  Done.

I didn't realize how much of an emotional toll it took on me until I rang that bell and knew I didn't have to go back.  I had a follow up appointment last Friday and it was my first time back in a month.  Walking into that building felt weird.  Emotional.  And a bit heavy.

I started radiation on Monday, February 6.  I have to go Monday through Friday for four weeks.  So I am 1/4th of the way done.  I am literally marking the days on my calendar.  

I was fortunate enough to be able to do my radiation at a hospital about 40 minutes closer to my life (work, home, etc.) which made the prospect of four weeks of a daily trip seem more tolerable.  But it's still exhausting.  It still takes me about 35-40 minutes every morning to get to the hospital.  I walk in, sit down for a minute or two, get called back, lie on a table for five minutes while listening to whatever music I pick (70s and 80s music so far), then endure holding my breath off an on for about 2 minutes.  Then I get off the table, go back to my car and drive 25 minutes or so to my office to begin a full day of work.  By the time I get to work, it's around 9:15 and I'm already wiped out.

You may be wondering why I am holding my breath during radiation.  Over the years, research has shown that when you hold your breath, it pulls your breasts away from your heart and lungs.  During radiation, that is a plus because it helps further protect those crucial organs from radiation damage.  Who knew that a few held breaths could potentially save me from heart or lung damage down the road?   

So while I feel the burden of the radiation, it's not so much from the actual treatment as it is the drive to and from.  I just can't wait to be done.  

I am tired.  I'm tired of doctor's visits.  I'm tired of appointments.  I'm tired of chemo.  Tired of radiation.  Tired of driving.  I'm tired of cancer.  

My sister is hosting a big family gathering in April to celebrate me being finished with my treatment.  I guess in a way you could say, to celebrate my life.  And the fact that I am alive!

I am still bald but I feel like I have peach fuzz starting to grow in, so I'm hopeful that in the next month or two, I will start to see actual hair on my head.  I've found myself obsessed lately with watching hair cut videos online.  I don't know why, but the psychotherapist in me says, "Duh.  It's cause you miss having hair."  Maybe that's it.  Either way, I keep watching and loving all these hair makeovers.  

I posted the video of me ringing the bell on Facebook when I finished chemo, but I'm posting a link to it here again, just because it makes me happy to remember that glorious day.  

I will have one more bell to ring - on March 3rd. 

And that will be the best day of all.