Since I delivered this in 3 parts, I will not overburden you with reading material with all 3 at one time...
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Lori's Life- Eulogy part 1

The task of eulogizing a sibling is no easy thing, even after having the honor and misfortune of eulogizing our parents, first our Father in October 2003 then our Mother in April of 2016.

 

On our way to the first appointment at the Cancer Center, I told Lori she wasn't allowed to be really sick because I didn't have another one in me. We both laughed and cried, since I may have told her that I would begin it with a horribly irreverent joke along the lines "Can someone please have a wedding? We've got to stop meeting this way"

 

For me, it is one of the most important things a person could possibly do for someone they loved deeply and knew well. To honestly represent and celebrate their life. 

 

I chose a theme for each of my parents- my Father had so many titles and roles and was so many things to different people that I appointed the folks who knew him best to talk about him in those respective roles.

 

My Mother was such an extraordinary woman who exemplified graciousness and I used a bible verse - Galatians 5:22-23-which details The Fruits of the Spirit- to share stories of her Character.

 

I knew I would find it more difficult to settle on a theme for Lori.

 

 

As the seriousness of Lori’s situation became evident, I came to accept that I would need to do this again, and there wouldn't be an easy template to follow, because sibling relationships are complicated and I would need to convey all of the pride and love my parents would have shared about her in this moment were they here to do so.

 

My only qualifications are that I have known her my whole life and have been through the best and worst times with her. I am also a mother and have a profound understanding of the same unconditional love that we received from our parents and shaped how we love others. 

As a parent I can say that the goal we have for our children, the THING we want for them more than anything is simply for them to be 

Confident in who they are

Excited by what they do and 

Comfortable in the skin they're in.

This is not only what Lori wanted for my kids, but for everyone she knew and invested herself in.

 

Our parents did their best to support, protect, encourage and nurture us as well as build our character. 

Lori has always been

Loyal

Funny

Loving

Earnest

Determined

a People Pleaser

intensely empathic 

Intuitive 

Resilient 

Open Minded 

Intelligent

Detail Oriented 

Task Centered

& Self Sacrificing 

 

Lori was happiest and most satisfied when she was around horses, cats and dogs and when she was helping others. She used her experience, patience and best judgement whenever looking after animals or people who needed her the most.

 

Growing up with Lori, her loyalty, dependability and heart had her tapped as someone our family counted on to care for our older generation.  Grandma Jane, Grandma Lil, Grandpa Phil and Grandma Vann all came to depend upon her in their times of need, and she always went above and beyond to assist them in any way she could.

 

 

Despite our parents very best efforts, there were snags - 

some things that they couldn't prevent and there were some unfortunate genetic traits that have plagued generations of Beckwith's that Lori carried with her.

That combination of inherited traits and challenges created obstructions in her life and a fair amount of heartache for family and close friends.  Worse yet was how it affected her self perspective.

 

The best way to explain it is this-

 

 

Imagine a jigsaw puzzle with multi sized pieces. 

The picture on the puzzle is a self portrait.

If you were tasked to assign a character trait to each piece, with the bigger pieces labeled with the character traits you feel make up bigger parts of your identity  and the smaller ones with lesser parts of your identity. 

What might that look like? 

Keep in mind that the entire puzzle is an honest representation of you as a person and must include the things you like and dislike about yourself..

 

For people who struggled with low self worth, or depression as Lori did, oftentimes the largest pieces have unfavorable traits and the smallest pieces would have positive ones.

 

Now, imagine the same puzzle, only you are NOT using a self portrait but a picture of someone you have a NEW love for. 

 

Most people would simply assign the largest pieces more favorable traits and the smallest pieces the more negative ones. 

 

However, loving someone for a very long time makes this exercise more complicated, and the assignments rotate around from time to time. To assign the best character traits to the big pieces especially when you're going through a certain season would not be honest, of course. Seasons change and your opinion of each other does too.

 

Sibling relationships are like that. There is no breaking up or divorce. You choose to stay committed through thick and thin and at the end of a season, particularly  this last one, where we grew in knowledge and understanding of each other, I can confidently say that we both have assigned each other's greatest attributes to the larger territory pieces in that puzzle.

 

 

If you are lucky enough to have been blessed with one (or more than one) sibling, you know the conflicting feelings that come with that territory. 

 

There seems to be no greater critic or defender than a sibling. A sibling is privy to the good, bad and ugly. 

In early childhood, especially when siblings are close in age, there exists an us vs. them between kids and parents.

 

This is an alliance that is developed while navigating the minefield of stressed out or exhausted parents and conspiring together for little victories.

As kids, we developed a strategy using code words and hand gestures (although simply whispering was enough to keep secrets from our hard of hearing dad). 

As we matured into adolescents and teenagers, we came up with creative ways to earn "points" back and how to be removed from the infamous shit list when we screwed up, with both of us having done that in spectacular fashion a time or two.

 

 We also covered for each other for better or worse.

 

 

As with many siblings, when we got older, our life paths split into different directions and our relationship drifted. 

 

I married before I was 20, moved, and never shared a roof with her again. We did hang out from time to time, going to music shows or having meals with our folks but, for the most part, we weren't very close. 

 

I would hear about some things she was up to, but it wasn't until the early 2000's, when we moved a few houses down from my parents in Queen Creek that I started to see her fairly regularly.  She had her ups and downs there and her share of struggles. Ultimately, she came to become the one my Mom depended upon the most in so many things after our Father passed away.

 We got closer after the birth of my boys- she was there in the room with my Mom to welcome them as they took their first breath. 

She was the fun Aunt and would step in during sleepovers at Nana's house when their energy exhausted my Mom's. All they could eat sweets, all they could use tokens at Chuck-E-Cheese, flexible bedtimes and epic bubble baths in the jetted tub (with Aunt Lori on clean up, mopping the bubble craziness from the floors, shower door and mirrors)

 

She was always available to help with transportation when I was working and Nana wasn't available. 

 

The nephew/aunt relationship has been close from the beginning,  and she has been their biggest fan and confidant (even telling her things they waited to share with me)

 

The hardest thing for me to accept is that this is one more loss of someone who knows them well- their true character- And no matter the mistake or misstep, she was

the first one to affirm that what they did isn't who they really are, then urged them along to do better, cautioning them with the credibility that only someone who has made bad decisions can.

 

 She rooted for the underdog and befriended people who have not always made the best choices, always choosing to see beyond those and acknowledging the very best in them instead. She gave grace and never laid on any condemnation or judgement.

 

 

This choice has had rewards and consequences. She has been manipulated and exploited by some of those who recognized this, but she has also been appreciated tremendously for her "heart of gold" in the way she affirmed and built the confidence of people who had given up on themselves.

 

Ecclesiastes Chapter 4 verses 9-10 says this-

 

9 Two are better than one, because they have a good return for their labor: 10 If either of them falls down, one can help the other up. But pity anyone who falls and has no one to help them up.

 

Lori was ALWAYS someone with her hand extended in aid.

 

In fact, she was so tremendous at helping to magnify those around her in need of work that she combined her fierce intelligence and gift of articulation to organize others' knowledge, skills and abilities into the best resume ever made and helped them to appear as the best candidate for the job on paper… The interview itself was up to them, but she did her best to be available for the pre-interview pump up.

 

While Lori's time here on earth was too brief, she did a lot of living and experienced plenty.. enough to develop some sizable life lessons and nuggets of wisdom. 

 

Here they are...

 

-choose to see what makes us the same instead of focusing on the differences. 

 

- don't "Get in your own Way",  like she got in hers. Stop overthinking, 

Refuse to get distracted through substances, or swallowed up by circumstance.

Choose to be present, and be more deliberate about using time wisely 

 

-Set goals, make the plans and follow through with it because you never know when there won't be time.

 

-Love yourself enough to set firm boundaries. Boundaries that are fortified enough so not everyone can pass through, but also tall enough to keep yourself from making too many compromises and climbing over that wall easily.

 

-Be gracious with yourself and forgive yourself in the same way you would forgive someone you have a deep love for.

 

 -Believe in yourself.

 

 

-give yourself the benefit of proudly assigning your attributes, talents and abilities to the biggest pieces in the self portrait puzzle.

 

 

 

 

 She was worth more than she could ever know.

 

I was asked which is harder,  to lose someone close suddenly or over a period of time. While both are devastating,  having dedicated time devoted to helping her, knowing her and loving on her was a real gift. 

I am so grateful for the months we had together sharing daily talks and growing back together again, like when we were young children. I treasure every second and the bonus time we were given. 

 

As we reflected upon things of our shared past, and of the lives we lived without our parents around, we grew new depths of acceptance and admiration for each other.

 

Everyday I wake up to another realization of the things she will not be here to share- the everyday things, the epic things, the wins and the losses.

She was the ultimate resource in fact checking my childhood memories,  even if those seemed to be of an entirely different experience.

 

She knew all of the characters in these memories and reminded me of events leading up to or after certain notable moments. 

Nobody can take the place of a sister and I grieve the lost future and past without her here.

I am so grateful to have gotten married so young, as Jim has been through many of the shared moments with her and remembers the characters too.

There is a tremendous comfort and familiarity that having a partner for over 27 years provides. 

Lori told me that she is so relieved that although she had to go and join my Mom and Dad, I wasn't left alone. 

In fact, after our Mom passed away, Jim helped her to get a job working at the company he’s with heading up the Warranty Parts department.  She had such a tremendous aptitude for this position that she made a career out of it for the last 5 years.  Her eye for detail, diligence, solution centered thinking and communication skills made her an invaluable asset to the companies she worked for. 

 

I am also grateful for our brother Kory who has been such a big support to Lori and I during this entire thing- He was so dependable in showing up for days every week, sharing memories, providing comfort in his presence, ordering pizza, grabbing groceries, cooking delicious meals, and taking her on well needed day trips.

 

She is grateful for her husband Bret, and she asked me to say a few words about him and the nature of their relationship.

Bret got her through our Mom's death, made her feel loved and protected and she was forever grateful. She never knew what would come out of his mouth and he always made her laugh with his dry sense of humor. 

Lori loved him because he was different and unique. Her inner black sheep recognized the one in his. She took care of him and did her best to be a supportive and loving partner and they enjoyed their days off together, often heading to their favorite spot on the Salt River bank to relax or paddling down the river with friends.

She would do anything for him.

Her dog, Trigger, loves him too.

 

 

Leading Up to the last weeks of her life, she reconnected to our Christian foundation. There were so many truths revealed to her when there were no more distractions and these resonated deeply. She chose to be baptized as an adult as a renewal of her acknowledgement of her faith.

 

Some may see this as a sentimental act- to run to embrace an idea when all other options have been exhausted, but this was not such an act.

Lori has always known that He's been there-  for her to turn around and see that He's been patiently waiting for her return. 

While we are devastated to lose her here on earth,  the reunion in Heaven with our Creator and our Parents and her full restoration there in her real home are cause for celebration. 

When you look deeply at the real core of what Lori did with her life she LOVED (the way Christ loved) unconditionally. 

 

 

 

 

I want to personally thank every member of Lori's village for making themselves available and contributing to our entire family's comfort and sense of well being during these last 6 months through caring for Lori.

Judy Manning, Judy Gardner, Jean Kroll and Loretta Corley have been angels on earth for her and us.

 

Thank you to all of the prayer warriors near and far and for all who took the time to read my weekly CaringBridge blogs or time to reach out to me to see how I was doing. Thank you for saying that she is lucky to have me as a sister. 

 

It has been a great privilege for me to have journeyed beside her. 

 

Finally, thank you to the outpouring of support, words of encouragement and beautiful tributes that  have flooded every channel, inbox, and messaging platform.  

I know she is looking down with a big smile at this well woven net that has cushioned this fall for us.