As I sat at our Christmas table with Mark and our boys - Ian, Quinn, and Braer - I was acutely aware of the many “sacrifices” or losses I’ve experienced over the past 2 years. My mom wasn’t there - along with her wine biscuits, Christmas apron and stocking stuffers - which always included de-icer!  I wasn’t able to make cookies that I usually would deliver or the 7 fishes; I couldn’t drink or eat any of the food being put on the table unless I blended it and put it through my G-tube (trust me, salmon - while very good for me -  isn’t very appealing when blended!)  And several times I was asked “What did you say?”  It seemed to me that although I was alive, the very things that made up my livelihood were taken away.  How could I “Be Merry” if couldn’t  Eat, Drink, Talk …….?

So in the quiet and peaceful solace of my home, I allowed myself to cry - sobbing at times - grieving. Feeling the loss, sadness, anger. 

Thoughts, not sugar plums, danced in my head……

I miss my mom.

I’ve been through a lot.

Is this what living is for me now?

I thought I would be further along in my recovery.

Will I ever be able to swallow food again?

I still have a long way to go.

I’m permanently changed - physically.  It’s obvious. No sugar coating it. 

Will I be understood when and if I can teach yoga again?

I thought I would be done receiving by now.  

When will I be able to give back or even just send a thank you card to all the friends and family who are supporting me through all this financially, emotionally, physically, spiritually? 

All of those who have given so much of themselves to me; who have sacrificed time, money, devotions.  Family, friends,  yoga and church communities.  Praying for me, giving me their money, taking time in their day to write me a card, send me a text, cook for me, visit me, clean my yard, my house, do my laundry, wash my hair.  

But this time, instead of feeling right into gratitude, I went to the other “g” word - guilty.  (Maybe it’s not such a bad thing that I can’t say this word!)  A very selfish feeling - this guilt - was because I hadn’t sent out any thank you cards.  And people were still giving to me.  I mean how could I keep receiving and not give thanks.  That’s ungrateful. I wasn’t grateful enough, I decided.  Or should I say - judged myself.

When I shared this with my circle of friends, I did not expect their responses which my friend Kendall summarized:

 “Lisa, I don’t know one person who would think of you as ungrateful. You have given so much to others and still do. You are giving by being you, going through this journey and being real.  And you gave in the biggest way by deciding to have surgery and live.  That’s a gift to me.”

Wow. I really didn’t think of it this way.  When people would ask how I was doing,  I would answer honestly which sometimes included foul language! I chose to write about my journey as a way to communicate, vocalize my thoughts, put words to my process.  I chose surgery because I wasn’t ready to die. I truly never thought of it as giving.  

My therapist further reinforced Kendall’s words in a different way, “Isn’t this what the soul wants, what being spiritual here on earth embodies?  To walk through life being present, feeling fully, being authentic.  And by one simply being it helps lift others. Helps them connect with their heart, their soul.  Helps them to be.”

OK.  Yes. It is. And it’s exactly what I wish to do for others. Help them be more in the moment, notice the beauty and magic and miracles that surround us.  Easy to conceptualize in my mind and say it.  To do it, actually be it? Well, that’s for the real mystics and spiritual teachers - Teresa of Avila, Julian of Norwich, Jesus, Mary Magdalene, Buddha Gandhi, Dali Lhama……..

If I am doing that,  being that, well - that is a Christmas miracle!

So going through this next “growth spurt” on my journey, I realized it was important for me to let you all know something:

It has always been my intention to send a thank you note to each and every one of you. And perhaps someday I will.  But for now, I will say it here, with all my heart:

 THANK YOU FOR YOUR PRAYERS, SUPPORT AND LOVE (THE CARDS, TEXTS, COMMENTS, BOOKS, PRAYER SHAWLS,  REIKI, MASSAGES, CRANIOSACRAL SESSIONS, ARTWORK, FOOD, RIDES, MONEY, CLOTHES).  THEY NOURISH MY BODY, MIND AND SOUL. THEY KEEP ME GOING. - LIVING FROM ONE MOMENT TO THE NEXT.  I HONOR AND RECOGNIZE THE SACRIFICES YOU HAVE MADE FOR ME. 

This is my Give-Away ritual. 

I think this will replace my New Year’s resolution.