I am 3 weeks post, what should be, my last surgery for this breast cancer journey.  Medically, this was suppose to be the easiest surgery I’ve had of the 3 in the last 4 months. My body has been through a lot and had other ideas. Pain has been tolerable but fatigue and a general ache has set in. I am listening to my body and resting when I need, trying not to push myself too hard. I have also been reminded that cancer is just as much a mental game as it is a physical one. I've been doing a lot of reflecting and processing in the last 3 weeks.....

This all began with a mammogram because I turned 40. I am no stranger to health issues, but this one took me by surprise.  This one took everyone by surprise. It definitely packed a punch.  It's funny because when I had the biopsy, I had a bad feeling. It was like I already knew. I tried not to let myself get ahead. I consciously knew that I should take it one step at a  time, but sometimes in your gut you just know and I did. This still didn't prepare me for the reality of the situation. At my very first appointment we didn't have all the tests back from my biopsy, but my care coordinator gave me more information about all of the possible scenarios than I could have ever imagined. That day began this ringing in my ears that seemed to be there for all of my appointments leading up to my surgery. 

I chose to be aggressive for one reason, my kids. Nathan and Lila are my heart space. As their mother, it is my job to fight for them. I am their constant, their home base. They need me and I am their most important example of how to handle all that life throws at you.  My heart was already breaking at the idea of them having to go through yet another health issue with me, so I didn't want them to have to worry about this coming back in the future. Through all of this especially, they think I am the strong one. In reality, my strength comes from them. They make me brave.

I couldn't be positive right away. The feelings I had were too heavy and I needed to sit with them, understand them. Then I could address all those feelings. It was okay that I was scared, but I was going to beat this.  It was okay that I was angry, who wouldn't be. But anger never serves anyone well long term. I could ask why me, but if not me, then who. Sometimes your journey shifts. Your life changes and you will never be the same. Life hands us moments and most of the time we have no idea why it has to happen to us. Or even how to handle it.  So you take it one day at a time or one hour, if you have to. One awfully small step at a time but a step nonetheless. You wake up and promise yourself you will not be defeated. You tell yourself what you need to keep going. Lean into the love. Lean into the hope. Lean into your blessings. Lean into your support system. Lean into the laughter. 

Laughter seems to always push away the darkness.

With my kid’s eyes on me, I knew I had a choice to make. I could chose to let the weight of this breast cancer diagnosis crush me or I could concentrate on the silver lining. I won't lie, there were a lot of tears and there will likely be more. And that's okay, I'm only human. But when you look hard enough, you will always find the hope. Hope always rises. I am so thankful that I have a powerhouse for a primary care doctor who pushes her patients to start mammograms at 40 when insurance covers them. We caught this so early that I had options. These options were initially overwhelming, but they also allowed me to take control of my health in a way. I am lucky that because I chose to be aggressive, I didn't need chemotherapy and radiation. And grateful does not even begin to explain what I am for the incredible support system I have. There amazing people in our lives who have wrapped us in their warmth, well wishes and prayers.

My cancer journey isn't over, but I see the light at the end of the tunnel. I am reaching for that light, holding on to it. I'm letting it spread through me so it can reach the places that ache. It's time to heal and come back to myself. I may be put together differently, but maybe I will become someone better than before. Someone I can love more because I chose not to let it all destroy me. I am hoping I can embrace a gentler pace and calmer weeks ahead. 

THANK YOU from the very bottom of my heart for all your love and support. The warmth my children and I have received from everyone is palpable and your generosity continues to give us hope and the ability to heal. I've seen all your messages and contributions, including from people I haven't seen in years. We appreciate each and everyone of you. 

Currently 1 in 8 women are getting breast cancer. Mammograms won't stop you from getting cancer, but early detection saves lives. Get checked, Ladies. Be aware of changes. Advocate for yourselves. You know your bodies best.