9 But he said to me, “My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.” Therefore I will boast all the more gladly of my weaknesses, so that the power of Christ may rest upon me.
Today's Update: (5/17/24)
Last night I really tried hard to get to bed early. I even almost skipped posting just to ensure I could get to bed at a reasonable hour since I had a rehearsal. Despite my best efforts I got to bed even later than normal. I've been more emotional than normal this week and I think some of it is the tired on the tired but I'm also wondering if it is related to the drug I'll be taking long-term.
Medically things have felt a bit overwhelming this week. Yesterday at the Radiation Oncology appointment they gave me some choices and normally I am all about the hard but since I am so tired I chose the easy road. Today we had a 6 month post-op follow up with my surgeon and discussed getting my port out. Well, that comes with options too and I'm too tired to make decisions.
So I'm tired, I'm emotional. I'm feeling a bit overwhelmed. I'm just not my best right now and I hate that. I hate being moody and short with people, especially my kids. I love my kids so much and want to give them my best but I have so little to give them right now.
And a light bulb just went off for me so bear with me as I rant. Before posting I decided to read my Bible because I really didn't like the place my mind was in. I'm reading in the book of Judges and today happened to be in chapter 8. It's the story of Gideon. He is choosing soldiers to fight the encamped army of Midian that numbers over 135,000. The number that show up to fight for Gideon is 22,000 but God says "no, that's too many men to defeat the people of Midian." Eventually he brings 300 men to surround the Midianites 135,000. They don't even really have to fight a battle and because God is on their side they come out victorious.
Here's another instance in the Bible that has encouraged me lately:
In Matthew 14 Jesus is preaching to a large crowd of 5,000 people. After following Him for quite some time they become hungry. Jesus tells the disciples to feed them and then the disciples get all confused because how could they possibly feed so many? So a little boy comes and offers his five loaves and two fish. Crazy. How is that ever going to help feed even a fraction of the people? Then Jesus does a miracle and turns the meager amount into plenty. There are literally baskets of leftovers because the 5,000 have not only eaten, they have been filled and need no more.
I just finished reading a book by Elisabeth Elliot called "Suffering is Never for Nothing." In it she notes that we are just like the little boy who brings his lunch to Jesus in hopes it will somehow help. If we come and we just offer God what we have, He can miraculously multiply it. Not just to be enough, but to be more than enough.
What I'm trying to say is that I am feeling overwhelmed and wondering how I am possibly going to give my best to my family and my kids in terms of my attitude and my energy right now. I think what God is teaching me is to leave the little energy I have, the little mental strength I may have left, whatever it is that feels like it won't be enough. Not just the big things but the things that I feel are even too meager to multiply. That if I leave them in His miraculous hands He will do something big with them and the only explanation will be Him. That He took something meager and turned it into plenty.
So there's my thoughts on a platter, and I think I needed to hear that more than anybody else today. God can turn even the scraps of what we have to offer into beautiful things. Put them in His hands and sit back and watch Him work. Okay God, I trust you. All I have to offer you is meager things right now. I'm excited to see what you do with it for your glory! May people see that it is only you, Jesus!
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I was cleared a while to get my port out. It has been moving and become more uncomfortable so it would be nice to get it out.
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I have all my radiation appointments on the calendar and am scheduled to finish on July 1st! I am actually really excited about this because the limbo stages of this journey have been really hard.
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I took an hour nap today.
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My surgeon said everything looks good. She helped us process through my big surgery that will take place at some point next year.
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I am learning and I am growing.
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I'm tired. Physically, mentally, emotionally.
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Wisdom and discernment. We are praying through the best timeline for my reconstruction surgery next year that has a long recovery time. We're praying through the best time and method to have my port removed. There is an easy way but I will likely pass out, there is a more complicated way where I won't pass out but I'm not sure it's worth it.
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My kids and Scott. I hate being moody and I sometimes let my emotions take over. Prayers to take every thought captive and respond more kindly. I feel like I do not have the supply of energy to output better responses. I need God to multiply the meager energy I have.
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Hormones. That my hormones would even out a little bit. Since my cancer feeds off of my hormones the long-term medicine is supposed to manage those hormones and my body's production of them. This is probably a good reason why my emotions are like a circus right now 😆
